Quick Win: What leaders get wrong about saying sorry with Clare Stephens

Ever caught yourself rehearsing what to say at work - terrified one wrong phrase could spark backlash? 

In this Quick Win, I speak with Clare Stephens, former Editor-in-Chief at Mamamia, about the fear of getting it wrong, how to handle mistakes, and why the most powerful apology is often the simplest one. 

Clare learnt the hard way that over-explaining a mistake can make things worse. After facing public criticism early in her career, she reframed her approach to errors – both online and in leadership. Her advice? Keep apologies short, unreserved, and genuine. Then move on. 

Clare and I discuss: 

• Why leaders fear saying the wrong thing in today’s workplace 

• How to create a culture where mistakes are met with grace, not blame 

• The fine line between accountability and people-pleasing 

• Why long, detailed apologies rarely work 

• The simple framework for owning mistakes and moving forward 

 

KEY QUOTES 

“The best apology is short and unreserved. There’s no excuses. Just, ‘I’m apologising,’ and then you move on.” 

“You’re actually a worse leader if you can’t be direct.” 

Connect with Clare Stephens on Instagram, LinkedIn and check out her latest book The Worst Thing I’ve Ever Done here. 

Listen to the full conversation with Clare here. 

 

My latest book The Health Habit is out now. You can order a copy here: https://www.amantha.com/the-health-habit/ 

Connect with me on the socials: 

Linkedin (https://www.linkedin.com/in/amanthaimber) 
Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/amanthai) 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Do you ever catch yourself rehearsing what you'll say at work,
may be terrified that one wrong phrase could turn people
against you. I've definitely felt that fear myself, and Claire Stephens,
when she was editor in chief at Mamma Mia lived too.
Claire told me the turning point was accepting mistakes, her

(00:23):
own and everyone else's. And by the end of this
quick win you'll hear how Claire reframed mistakes as part
of moving forward, and why the most powerful apology is
often the simplest one, sure, unreserved, and then done. Welcome

(00:47):
to How I Work, a show about habits, rituals, and
strategies for optimizing your date. I'm your host, doctor Amantha Imber.
You know when I heard other leaders talking about this,
I remember just going, oh, I've so experienced that, Like
in my own business, where you know, there have been

(01:10):
times where I've just been so like conscious of what
I'm saying, like in like you know, and all staff
meeting and like rehearsing, which which seems like ridiculous We're
a small business, we're a small team, but like just
having that real fear of like if I say even
the wrong phrase or the wrong sentence, like people could

(01:30):
just turn on me, and I feel like some of
that's irrational, But then, you know, I've also seen instances,
you know, in people I work with and advise, where
it's like, ah, yeah, you know that can kind of happen.
So like, how did you navigate it when when you
were editor in chief?

Speaker 2 (01:49):
I tried to very much accept that I was going
to make mistakes and other people were going to make mistakes.
What's hard is probably if you have a culture where
you're really hard on other people for making mistakes and
quite you know, really making it about who they are
rather than what they did. I think that probably comes

(02:12):
back at you. Whereas if you foster a culture of
we all have to try things, and we are all
going to stuff up and do the wrong thing and
make the wrong call, but we've got to make decisions
and we've got to move forward, and I'm prepared to
learn from my missteps and I want you to be
as well. I think a big part of that is autonomy.

(02:33):
Fostering autonomy because then people see that they make mistakes too,
and if there's grace for those, they'll give you grace.
But yeah, I think it's because as a leader as well.
Pragmatism is so important, and pragmatism is different from idealism,
and there are many times where you cannot do the

(02:56):
ideal thing because of a million different factors. And it's
really easy when you don't have the responsibility to look
up and think, well, I would have done it this way,
and I would have just done this, and you're like,
oh god, if you were juggling all the invisible things
are juggling and had to make the tough call, and
it's like, maybe you would have, and I'm sure you

(03:18):
get the opportunity one day, but you know, there's a
lot about being a leader that's really hard. So I
think that that's the important thing. Having a culture where
people are allowed to make mistakes and you give them
grace to that, and where communication is really direct and open,
so there's no kind of not bitchiness, but there's no

(03:40):
kind of you know, this invisible tension that's bubbling away
where you're actually nipping things in the bud. I think
that that makes a big difference.

Speaker 1 (03:47):
I want to know about apologies, because that's obviously generally
some kind of conclusion is an apology, and I feel
like there's been so much written about how to apologize,
Tell me, like, what is the best way to apologize?

Speaker 2 (04:02):
In the book, I explore very much the fact that online,
I'm not sure there is a best way to apologize.
I have seen people apologize in really, really effective ways,
but I think there's certain types of people who already
have very very very good grace and are only guilty
in inverted commas of certain relatively minor social crimes. But

(04:27):
I think once you are perceived in a certain way,
no matter what you say is going to be interpreted
in bad faith. For example, there are many many cases
where you really want to explain the context behind something
that's happened, because you're thinking, if only people knew the context,
finally people knew all the behind the scenes things that

(04:49):
led to this decision. Most of the time people don't care,
and most of the time people will tear them apart
because there's no way. There's not enough words to add
the right weight to that and to provide all the
relevant details. There's just not so I think often the
best way to apologize is short and no, unreservedly. There's

(05:10):
no excuses, there's just I'm apologizing, and then actually move
on because The thing about the media cycle, and this
has been a really interesting thing to learn working in
digital media is an apology is another story. So if
I'm working in digital media and say there's the Coldplay

(05:31):
scandal that blew up recently, the guy the Coldplay concert
who cheats on his wife and hooks up with someone,
that story is just going uts writing about it, writing
about it, writing about it. If he publishes an apology
there was a fake one, there's all that my stuff,
which adds so much complexity. But if he publishes an apology,
that's another opportunity to run a story. And then if
he posts something else about it, that's another opportunity. So

(05:54):
the more you do, the more it actually just adds
fuel to the fire. So the less you do, the
quicker the fire ends. For the mental health of the
person at the center of it. I think that's ideal,
but I think you have to accept that you're not
going to satisfy everyone. There has never been an apology
online that has satisfied moral benchmark for every single person,

(06:18):
and so you just have to be as direct and
I think brief as possible. And it's a really important
thing as well for people whose work depends on being online.
Be very aware that who you are online is not
who you are. That is an avatar, that is a
version of you, that is a character, and the real

(06:42):
you that goes home and has relationships with your family
and goes through the world is a different person. And
not to conflate the two. I think that's when it
gets really dangerous.

Speaker 1 (06:52):
How about apologies in the workplace. I imagine you've had
to make apologies when you're in a leadership role. What
are the differences.

Speaker 2 (07:00):
I have made many, many, many apologies probably looking back,
and I think probably some people I managed would say
there's probably too many. I think there's a line between
being very accepting of the fact that you make mistakes
and then being a bit of a people pleaser, and

(07:20):
being a people pleaser is socially confusing for people. I
very much kind of came out the other end of
being editor in chief, thinking that's actually not helpful for
people if you tell them what they want to hear
all the time. So if someone's annoyed at you, that's
not necessarily something you have to apologize for. And I
only learned that recently. If somebody was annoyed at me,

(07:43):
I was like, I am so sorry I've done the
wrong thing.

Speaker 1 (07:45):
How did you learn that lesson.

Speaker 2 (07:47):
From my interactions with other people who didn't do that?
And I think it's a maturity thing. I've had female
managers who are just freaking brilliant at being able to
say like, I can see you're frustrated, I can see
you're upset forward, but they're not apologizing for what they
did because they often haven't done the wrong thing. But
it also just it makes you feel safe. It makes

(08:08):
you feel safe that they own their decision making and
that they are being honest with you. They're not telling
you what you want to hear. I think that that's
the best thing in the workplace is transparency and honesty.
So I think apologize when you've done the wrong thing,
even and this is hard, but to I think sometimes

(08:30):
I'm thinking like as a leader, apologizing to your team,
but also apologizing upwards when you stuff up, which can
be really embarrassing. But I think if you say, hey,
you gave me this project and I really run with it,
and in hindsight a run in the wrong direction like
that just shows a lot of self awareness and definitely
shows that person that they can trust you again because

(08:52):
you've learned your lesson.

Speaker 1 (08:57):
Clai's a reminder really stayed with me that overapologizing can
be confusing and it can also make people doubt your decisions.
So instead, Claire learned to apologize only when she genuinely
made the wrong call, and to do it clearly even
when it was embarrassing. Kind of like owning a project

(09:19):
that had gone in the wrong direction. So the next
time someone's upset, pause before saying sorry, ask is this
a real mistake or just tension? I want to smooth
over and if this resonates. The full episode with Claire
goes deeper into apologies online and at work, and the

(09:42):
culture leaders need to create so people feel safe to
get things wrong. You'll find the link to that in
the show notes. If you like today's show, make sure
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when new episodes drop. How I Work was recorded on
the traditional land and of the Warring Jerry people, part
of the Colon nation.