MINI! You know your best friend is having an affair. Do you approach them with an ultimatum ⍰

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
It's Thursday. Let's do this.

Speaker 2 (00:01):
Ask uncat ask on tart, or, as we fondly refer
to it, therapy Thursdays where you guys write any deepest,
darkest burning questions. Sometimes you call in and we do
our best to answer them. And we have a really
tricky one today. We've had Steph call in. Hi.

Speaker 3 (00:19):
Guys, Hi, Yeah.

Speaker 1 (00:20):
We're good. What's your question for us?

Speaker 4 (00:22):
Okay, So I'm in a real moral dilemma. My best friend,
I found out a little while ago she has been
having an affair with a guy that is married to
one of our other friends. Now, this girl isn't a
very good friend, so the one that is getting cheated on,

(00:44):
we're sort of like we're acquaintances, but we do see
each other every now and then. But it's my best friend.
And I told her to stop it like that she
had to end it, and she promised me that she had,
and I've just found out that she's started it back
up again and again. I've told her to stop it

(01:06):
and it's not fair and it's really bad and all that.
But I've said, if you don't tell her like or
if you don't stop it, I'm going to need to
tell her, it's my best trends that I would then
be betraying. So what do I do we?

Speaker 3 (01:21):
I mean, is she in a relationship as well, or
she's single and she's she's just in a very messy relationship.

Speaker 4 (01:28):
She's single, but it's not like she doesn't know that
she's having an affair.

Speaker 1 (01:33):
But she's cheating.

Speaker 2 (01:35):
But she's betraying I mean, you're worried about betraying her.
She's betraying you by lying to you. She said, oh
it's done, you know, like we're not doing any more.
I mean, she's lying blankantly to you. You've already made
it clear that is making you extremely uncomfortable. I'm I
am exactly where you are. I don't think I could continue,
and I definitely could not be around the woman that
is in the marriage, Like I could not be around
that couple knowing that my friend was. You know, this

(01:58):
is the demise causing the demise of their relations.

Speaker 3 (02:00):
It actually kind of kind of sounds complicated to follow it,
but I almost think if you've given your friend, have
you given her an ultimatum at or have you said
like you need to tell her or you know, I
can't be I can't be friends with you? Anyonere like,
have you had that conversation or is that almost too far?
You don't want to break the friendship up? Your friendship up.

Speaker 4 (02:17):
I couldn't break the friendship up because we've been friends
for that long. But yes, I have said you need
like you need to stop, or like something something has
to something has to give. You don't know that that.
I'm like, how long do I give it? Do I give?
Do I give her an ultimatum, like by this date

(02:40):
it needs to stop, or I'll approach him.

Speaker 3 (02:42):
I reckon give him the ultimatum because it either means
he's going to have to come clean or he will
keep it totally secret. But the problem is is when
you give an ultimatum, there has to be a consequence.
So if you say, well you have to tell you
have to tell your partner that you're having your cheating,
and then if he doesn't do it, like, what's what
are you going to do? What's the end result? So
I guess the thing is is like unless you are
going to be the one to go and say something

(03:05):
to either his wife or you're going to say something
to him, if you're not going to do anything because
you don't want to mess up your relationship with your
best friend ultimatums without consequences me nothing. Yeah, So I
feel like in a really tricky place. I think you
either have to make the decision that you are going
to be the honest one and kind of out the
whole relationship, or you just you know, you just have

(03:25):
to kind of go with it.

Speaker 1 (03:27):
I've been cheated on and then I found out that
the person that cheated on me or his friends knew,
and IM like, I hate all the friends friends of
them totally, like and I still could be. We were
friends through the relationship, but now I don't want to
bar of them because they were complicit in my mind.

Speaker 2 (03:39):
And think about what you want to know? Is like,
if you were in that situation, would you want to know?
And chances are you would.

Speaker 4 (03:45):
Yes, I would want to know, and I would also
hate everyone that knew and didn't tell me.

Speaker 2 (03:50):
Yeah, of course, Oh good luck, let us know when
you've done the deed. I shouldn't last. But I'm guy, Laura,
what are your kid who's been doing on this week?

Speaker 3 (04:01):
My kids might be gifted. Now, I know that that
could be a stretch, but I want your help with
this because they have started doing something and I think
that they are exceptional at it. And I'm going to
explain to you why.

Speaker 1 (04:11):
The drums of Australia we need to take on this too.
We'll do it next on the pickup