Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Welcome to classic comedy of old time radio. I'm your
host Ron Ecklebarger. Colonel stoop Nagel promises that his machine
can cut Duffy's tax bill by about eighty percent. Leave
us listen to this one hundred and twentieth episode of
Duffy's Tavern, entitled Guest Colonel stoop Nangle. It originally aired
(00:38):
on March seven, nineteen forty four.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
In cooperation with the Armed Forces Radio Service.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
The following broadcast is one of the radio programs selected
to be shortwaved to our Armed Forces overseas.
Speaker 4 (00:51):
Bristol Myers, the makers of sal Hpavok, a famous laxative
and minute rub modern chest rub, bring you Duffy's Tavern.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Hellow Duffy's Darvin when you late mate date ought you
manage just making Duffy ain't here? Hello Duffy tonight, Colonel
stop Nagel. Oh, I wouldn't say that Duffy he's lost weight.
I would describe more as a big, thin slab crazy.
(01:40):
I ain't really crazy. I describe more as a wealthy
eccentric with no dough. Yeah. His inventions, Well, Duffy, He's
invented some very good ones. Well, let the bathroom door
that you don't have to wait outside him. Yeah, because
it opens into a closet. Yeah, them round dice. He
(02:04):
has round dice, you know, for people who would rather
play marbles. Another thing. Hey, Duffy wants that noise missus
Duffy slugging you with a frying pin because you won't
buy her a mink coat. Duffy, you've gotta leave us
slug you a mink could probably set you back about
one hundred and fifty bucks. Oh, certainly even more expensive
(02:25):
than rabbit. Well that's like on account there's more rabbits
than minks. Why is that? Well, maybe it's because the
rabbit is a friendlier animal. Well, look, Duffy, I'm busy.
(02:48):
Fight it out yourself. I gotta go figure the income facts.
I'll cause your back. Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to Duffy's tavern.
Speaker 4 (03:02):
Come in and it's been again. Eddie the Waiter, Benevenuta,
Peter van Stephen and his orchestra, our special guest tonight,
Colonel Lemuel Q. Stoop Nagel and Archie himself, Ed Gardner,
brought to you by two products. It will pay you
to remember minute Rob when you have a cold sal hopatka,
when you need a accident minute rob sal hapadock.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Now let's see, I gotta fade these taxes. Now, meyarly salary.
That's anthies. That's fifteen dollars a week. And there's forty
eight weeks in a year, fifty two weeks in the
year you're thinking of states, fifty two weeks. There's twelve
(03:48):
months in a year, right, and there's four weeks in
a month. Right, Well, you multiplied four by twelve and
you get you're right. It is fifty two holy cat,
fifty two weeks except lit year, of course, then it's
fifty three weeks. Oh naturally. Now let's see, uh, fifteen
(04:13):
fifteen your times at by fifty two. That's six stray Oh,
shove over the zipher. That's uh, that makes the fiduciary.
But let me look at that tax plank amenity. Let's
see here it says see footnote one, what note one,
(04:36):
See Schedule B, Schedule B see what note two, p
note two See foot note one foot note one. If
you claim a credit in line fifteen, disregard line nine feteen.
(05:00):
A complete Schedule L one, Page four instructions and at
the computation in line nineteen C. I'll ignore that H
must be a typogaphical error. Now a finance schedule one
(05:21):
to the fifteen. By the way, do you want me
to help you with your taxes?
Speaker 4 (05:26):
No?
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Thanks, No, I don't all bother you say you got
enough work, make it out your own tax wrong. Oh yeah,
oh look kaddy, Uh. You know, I may seem confused internally,
but inside my brain is going clickety clack, clickety clack
like a broiler factory.
Speaker 5 (05:44):
Yeatty.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
I'll have you know that when I was at the
PS four, At PS four, I was the mathematical genius
of the school. Well, if you stay any place long enough,
you're bound to get to the top. Right. You should
have seen me in them days that et me knowledge
of mathematics was positively gruesome. Yeah, master them all. Arithmetic, geometry,
(06:09):
Eden Wwayne geometry, fancy geometry, uh, tragemometry, calcium and alb
algi g u, the square rope and the cure rope
and the round rope, and the entire multiplication table up
(06:33):
touring and including nine times nine up to and including
nine times nine. How much is nine times nine? Now?
Did I take what. I guess it was just up
to not including Well look, let us get back to
this blank.
Speaker 6 (06:54):
Oh just so what are you doing me?
Speaker 2 (06:58):
Income taxpan? Again? Did you to be honest?
Speaker 7 (07:01):
Heavens to bet you? Thank goodness, mine is all completely.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
Oh this completely. I will hold it out for you.
Speaker 7 (07:11):
No, buddy, I went down to the post office on
why didn't line it? Finally decided the Philadelphia makes sure?
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Well, how much was your text?
Speaker 6 (07:19):
Chick? One hundred dollars?
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Fan again? How could you figure it to come out
six hundred dollars?
Speaker 6 (07:25):
Well, I hate to admit, but I cheated.
Speaker 8 (07:31):
You cheated?
Speaker 6 (07:32):
Hell, I copied from the guy in front of me, but.
Speaker 2 (07:48):
Fent again six hundred dollars. That's crazy.
Speaker 6 (07:51):
You think the government should pay me more?
Speaker 7 (07:54):
And the government don't pay you. You'll pay the government children?
Why is it so popular? So you should have seen
that line at the post office.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
Look, Bennig, and you got to fill out a return.
I'll tell you what, I'll help you. We'll do it together.
After all, you know, one head is better than none.
Speaker 6 (08:13):
And.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
I demand a recount. Flying at eat Now, look ben again,
when was your income last year?
Speaker 6 (08:22):
Nothing?
Speaker 2 (08:23):
Nothing? Huh? Any? Dependence?
Speaker 6 (08:26):
Yeah?
Speaker 8 (08:26):
Me father.
Speaker 7 (08:27):
He gives me a dollar a week spending money, now.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
A week from your fin I wonder how we could
change that off? Too bad? You fly the rank dead.
We could call it an inheritance.
Speaker 6 (08:43):
Well that's the break shot.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
All. Let's see now, how about medicinal expenses?
Speaker 6 (08:51):
None of dogs?
Speaker 2 (08:52):
Uh that the first? Oh?
Speaker 6 (08:59):
Yeah, I got my father teeth for Christmas?
Speaker 2 (09:03):
Oh you got them teeth? How much did you pay
for the teeth?
Speaker 8 (09:06):
Nothing?
Speaker 6 (09:06):
I found them.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Look, oh I can do that with a with the
front teeth. And you can't deduct them? Why do it
look horrible?
Speaker 6 (09:21):
Well? How much could I deduct?
Speaker 2 (09:23):
Well, let's see, now, your income is zero, the deductions
is zero. Tax to be paid zero? You mean I
make shiro, so I gotta pay erro.
Speaker 7 (09:35):
Yeah, I took crime march making a guy by one
hundred percent of a gen.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
Come put you in the upper brackets. Excuse me? Hello, hello, Duffy,
she's still slugging you with a frying pan. Oh now
it's with the lamp. Eh what happened to the frying pan?
They don't make him like they used to. Huh, Well, look, Duffy,
why don't you buy it a mink coat? You can't
(10:00):
afford it because you got to pay your income tax. Look,
with a fat life like that, you could put a
picture on a blanket claimers for dependence. You absolutely refuse
to buy it. Did she hear hello? Hello? Oh goodbye
missus Duffy, She must have left them have it again?
(10:24):
Say what's going on over Duffy's, Archie, Well, Duffy is
extremely ill, a pounding sensation in his head. Oh, it
probably comes from a cold.
Speaker 8 (10:34):
Isn't it awful?
Speaker 2 (10:35):
What a little cold germ can do? A little germ
that's doing at the Duffy weighs three hundred and fifty pounds.
Speaker 4 (10:41):
Oh, with those little cold germs can cause plenty of
misery too, Archie. That's why it's so good to know
about the famous minute rub way to help get.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
Fast relief from cold distress.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
If you're bothered by cold symptoms, your nose is stopped
up and there's an aching feeling in your muscles, simply
massage minute rub briskly on your back and chests.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
That's all you.
Speaker 4 (11:01):
Do, yes, and soon, In fact, even before you finish,
you feel a pleasant sensation of warmth as minute rub
gets to work to soothe the discomfort and tightness caused
by your cold. At the same time, Minute rub's active
menthol vapors help relieve that stuffed.
Speaker 8 (11:15):
Up feeling in your nose and throat.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
Minute rub is greaseless, minute rub is stainless. This appears
like vanishing cream as you rub it on.
Speaker 4 (11:22):
Get after those cold symptoms with this famous modern chest
drub that helps bring such fast relief that takes only
a minute to use. Minute rubm I N t R
U B minute rub.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
Hello, Hello, Duffy, Why she left you? Where'd she go?
We wanted to not say, have gone home to my mother?
Goodbye forever you take care of cheap's game. Shined your
loving wine, not Oh Duffy, don't start crying. Tough Duffy,
(12:05):
don't come on jin up, old man Duffy, please Finna
come here, talk to him, cheer him up. Missus Duffy
has left him and the guy's really missering. Oh certainly, Hello,
mister Duffy. This has been a vanda. I'm sorry to
hear about it. What No, I'm busy to night you
old ghosts. That's Duffy. Go ahead and sing benet That
(12:27):
guy with the memory of a frying pan still warm
on his brain trying to make HI say, I.
Speaker 5 (12:39):
Hate you see the evening sun go down. I hate
you see the evening sun.
Speaker 9 (12:52):
Go down, Cause my baby, he's left this towel, say.
Speaker 10 (13:06):
Louis woman.
Speaker 8 (13:09):
With her dim and rain.
Speaker 5 (13:14):
Full, that man around by.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Her apron streams.
Speaker 8 (13:24):
Word for powder.
Speaker 5 (13:27):
And for storeboor hair. For the man I love, would
not have gone nowhere, no where, not the same Louis
blues just as blue as I can be. That man's
(13:49):
got a heart like a rock cast in the sea.
Elsie wouldn't have gone so far from me. A got
the blue, got the blue, got the mean saying of.
Speaker 8 (14:07):
The web blue.
Speaker 5 (14:09):
That man's got a hard like a rock cast in
the sea, or else he wouldn't have gone so far
from me. For a red headed woman makes the good
man leave this towel, I said, A red headed woman
(14:34):
makes the good man leave this towel. But a blast
headed woman makes a fellow slappers cuppy dog.
Speaker 4 (14:48):
Bo.
Speaker 5 (14:48):
I love that man like a schoolboy, love his woe
like a Kentucky colonel, love his rock and raw, and
I love that man. I love him prool the day.
Speaker 10 (15:08):
I don't.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Wonderful Ms Roger, how you doing with the income tax.
Oh yeah, I gotta get back to that.
Speaker 7 (15:32):
Now.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
Let's see now, uh, let's look at this blank now here.
I put down the tax that I know that I
gotta pay. See, that's the shore tax. Wait a minute,
now you say that that's the short tax. Yeah, sure taxes.
You are the a X oh, I see, and then
(15:54):
to that you add the shore up plus the one
the sure up plus. Are you kidding the word of surplus? Anyways,
you went the surplus to the shure tax.
Speaker 8 (16:09):
Then you're mem I use your telephone.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
Oh, just the guy to help me with the taxes,
kitl stoop nagel.
Speaker 6 (16:18):
K w.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
The phone is the phone, kindel?
Speaker 8 (16:21):
Thank you? I having an awful rush.
Speaker 11 (16:22):
Uh huh, Hello, Information, I'd like the phone number of
Duffy's tavern.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
But Kinel, this is Duffy's tavern.
Speaker 8 (16:30):
Oh really, what's the phone number?
Speaker 2 (16:32):
Whatt you? Two nine nine seven?
Speaker 1 (16:33):
Oh?
Speaker 11 (16:34):
Thank you, Hello, Information. That number is Orchard two nine
nine seven. You're welcome in the future. Police, look it
up in your own directory.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
This guy's a memiac.
Speaker 8 (16:47):
Well, well so this is uh, what's the name of this.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
Place again, Zimmerman's Little Hunger? Kinel, ain't you a little
bit punched.
Speaker 11 (17:00):
Well, yes, I think so too, but most people agree
with me.
Speaker 8 (17:04):
Huh. And not only that, I'm also absent minded.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Oh you optional, how did you get that one?
Speaker 11 (17:09):
Well, you see, as a child, I was very cruel
to animals, and one day I deliberately kicked a horse
in the foot with my head.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
Well, well, so this is Duffy's tavern. Yeah, yeah, this
is Duffy's tavern.
Speaker 8 (17:22):
And how is mister Duffy? Okay, and mister tavern.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Panels? There is no mister tavern.
Speaker 8 (17:31):
Oh I'm sorry.
Speaker 11 (17:32):
Well, we've all got to go sometimes. But mister Duffy
is carrying on.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
Oh he cerainly is carrying on. His said his wife
just left him.
Speaker 8 (17:45):
Oh really, I hope they'll be very happy together.
Speaker 11 (17:50):
Incidentally, Archie, speaking of marriage, I have a new invention
for newlyweds.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
No invention for nolliweds.
Speaker 10 (17:55):
What is it.
Speaker 11 (17:56):
It's an overhead threshold, so that if you marry a
heavy woman you can carry your under it.
Speaker 8 (18:02):
What do you think of it?
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Well, I don't know. To me, it sounds crazy, but
but I think it is.
Speaker 8 (18:09):
Actually. I'm glad to see that you have visions the.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
Kindles I believe. Oh uh, kindel man just stepped out
of the audience head Clifton Finnegan.
Speaker 8 (18:22):
Were you ever awake? By James Joyce?
Speaker 6 (18:26):
No, no, I happened.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
A log clog, Uh, Kindel, you confuse the guy. The
correct grammar is Finnegan's woke. Say it's a verb, not
a tense.
Speaker 8 (18:40):
Depending on me. I say that you are a very
intelligent looking man.
Speaker 6 (18:44):
So dies.
Speaker 11 (18:45):
Yet I'm sure that if you had a forehead it
would be a very high one.
Speaker 7 (18:52):
Oh no, I would rather have a head like yours
coming up to a point.
Speaker 8 (19:00):
Yours comes to a point too.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
Yeah, but yours comes to a higher point.
Speaker 8 (19:05):
No, yours comes to a higher point.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
What is this way to staple? Look, colonel, I got
my income tax the thro out the income tax.
Speaker 11 (19:18):
Well that's right down my uppy archie.
Speaker 8 (19:23):
Would you like to reduce your taxes?
Speaker 2 (19:24):
Reduce me taxes? Certainly?
Speaker 8 (19:26):
Then here, take a look at my latest invention.
Speaker 2 (19:29):
Invention what what do you call it?
Speaker 11 (19:31):
The tax you will que reducer Nagel, the greatest little
machine I ever invented cut your taxes eighty percent?
Speaker 2 (19:37):
Look, Kinel, Uh, not that I doubt your insanity, But
how can a little machine like that reduce your taxes?
Speaker 8 (19:45):
You doubt me?
Speaker 11 (19:47):
Let me read you some testimonials. Listen to this, mister
Henry Morgan Thaw Dear sir, since the invention of the
Reducer Nagel, many people have reduced their taxes by eighty percent,
signed Colonel Stupenagel.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
Let me see that. Hey, you're right, it's addressed. I'm
loggans all right.
Speaker 8 (20:05):
Ye start you not only that the reducer Nigel carries
a written.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
Guarantee, written guarantee.
Speaker 8 (20:09):
I heard it.
Speaker 11 (20:11):
I Colonel stoop naggles hereby guarantee that if my invention
does not reduce your income tax by eighty percent, signed
Colonel stoop Nagel.
Speaker 2 (20:22):
Guy couldn't ask, but I'm what not cutting shure me? Hello, Hello, Duvey.
She didn't come back. Huh you'll wantsome? Oh sure? Damn
that weighs three hundred and fifty pounds. Must leave. Fight
a chap on a guy's life. They went him in
a dusty I got a n idea, Colonel stoop Naggo
(20:42):
invented a machine that'll knock eighty percent off your taxes. Huh, well,
so one, oh great inventors is nuts. Hey, Robert Fulton. Yeah,
they call him bugs. Another guy that invented gravity. Yeah,
they call him Figs Newton.
Speaker 8 (21:01):
Huh.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
And look Duffy with the eighty percent that this machine
saves you, you can go out and buy missus Duffy
a mink coat and anything else a big fat heart desire. Huh.
You'll go right out to I. J. Fox had a boy,
Duffy leave your income tax to me, and I kind
of will rate those. Okay, Colonel womuoa up to reducing
(21:25):
egg We're gonna do Duffy's tax, okay, Archie, Oh, colonel stuffe.
This is Danny Seymour, our announcer.
Speaker 11 (21:31):
Oh really, I wasn't invented an announcer, but it didn't
look anything like you.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Uh did it work, colonel?
Speaker 11 (21:37):
Yes, except for one thing. I couldn't invent anything from
my announcer.
Speaker 4 (21:40):
To say, Oh well, colonel, the most helpful statements aren't
invented anywhere.
Speaker 8 (21:44):
They're facts.
Speaker 2 (21:45):
Oh sure, I got Danny here had to say.
Speaker 4 (21:47):
Yes, a fact like this, for instance, ladies and gentlemen.
According to a nationwide survey of thousands of people, the
two things most wanted in a laxative are first speed
and second gentleness. Well, those are two of the very
things that have made sound Hopatka famous. Remember that when
you wake up feeling dull and headache because you need
a laxative and take that famous saline sal hoopatka right away, Well.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
Then you can depend on speedy salapatica to bring exceptionally
gentle reliefs, and usually within an hour.
Speaker 4 (22:14):
So you can see, with sal hupatica it's not necessary
to wait till night to take the laxative needed in
the morning, and consequently not necessary to risk feeling miserable
all day, and sal hupatica has this additional advantage.
Speaker 3 (22:28):
Sparkling salhapatica also helps sweeten an upset stomach by helping
to reduce excess gastric acidity.
Speaker 4 (22:34):
So before another day goes by, ask your druggist for
a bottle of sal houpatica, remembering this caution, use only
as directed. Then, anytime you need a laxative morning, noon,
or night, see how much faster you feel better when
you take gentle speedy sal hepatica.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
Okay, clown, now you gotta save Duffy enough taxes to
buy missus Duffy. You make coke now, we gotta get
it down from two hundred.
Speaker 11 (24:11):
Bucks to about fifty. All right, Archie, let's get to work.
What's the weekly income of this joint?
Speaker 2 (24:16):
The weekly income, you mean a good week or a
bad week? An average week. That's a bad week. Oh,
I'd say about thirty dollars.
Speaker 11 (24:28):
Okay, we'll put it on the machine. About thirty dollars.
That's a b O U T thirty.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
I ain't if I didn't see it with me your
own eyes, I wouldn't believe it. Wait a minute, here's
some more figas. I don't put them on a machine.
While I answer the phone. Huh okay, Hello, hello Duffy.
Huh you want you bought the mink? Huh? What kind
cheap mink? I never heard of it? Honey spelling see
(25:01):
hip duffy, that's chipmunk. Well, uh, well she probably liked
the chipmunk duffy. Yeah, yeah, that's right. She ain't got
no taste. And what on the machine? That's going great? Yeah,
doing a great job. I'm quit it back. What happened?
(25:27):
Knel kilt?
Speaker 8 (25:33):
But it'll be all right.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
We'll just say that the tax ain't no more than
fifty bucks. Now, what do we do now.
Speaker 11 (25:39):
Well, I've entered all the figures. Now I set the
automatic adjustment. I checked the barometric pressure, and we're.
Speaker 8 (25:48):
All set to go. Take it away.
Speaker 2 (25:49):
Reduce her dago.
Speaker 11 (25:56):
There you'll find your tax total on this little white card,
this lowle cod huh, yes, read it.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
You have a pleasant disposition and make friends easily. That's
a little extra service. Your tax is on the back.
On the on the back the total total income tax
two thousand dollars. Colonel, who invented this machine? You were
Morgan Thor you really? I am embarrassed. This is the
(26:24):
first time this has ever happened.
Speaker 8 (26:26):
You're sure positive it's.
Speaker 11 (26:27):
The first time I ever used the machine. Let me
try it again.
Speaker 6 (26:37):
Here we are.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
Let's look at a car.
Speaker 7 (26:39):
Now.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
You are a person who loves to travel. Read the
other side. Pay the two thousand dollars and we'll send
you to Alcatraze.
Speaker 6 (26:54):
Too.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
Stuffy can't afford to pay two thousand dollars.
Speaker 11 (26:58):
Archie, you've given me an idea. I hereby renounce the
reducer nagles. I hear buy a Christmas machine.
Speaker 8 (27:03):
The tax will.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
Queue increase her nagels increasing.
Speaker 11 (27:07):
Yeah, it's to help poor people to get into the
higher income tax practice.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
But kind of place. Duffy was buying a make gun
and strength at one hundred and fifty dollars. He was
going to save him on the reducing Nagle. What oh, hello, hello, Duffy.
Did you buy the coat?
Speaker 8 (27:25):
It did?
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Huh? Did she come back? Yeah? And she liked the
coat and you're both very happy.
Speaker 10 (27:32):
Huh.
Speaker 2 (27:33):
You don't know how to thank me, book, Duffy. If
I was to tell you now, I can't spoil it, Duffy.
I hope you and missus Duffy will continue to be
happy for many, many years. Yeah, okay, I couldn't tell
it to the guy that they're too happy. You know,
I'll pay it one hundred and fifty out of me
your own pocket.
Speaker 10 (27:53):
Huh.
Speaker 4 (28:03):
Well, it's time to leave Duffy's tavern for the evening.
But let's all need here again next week, when our
guests will be Gertrude Lawrence. And in the meantime, if
you have a cold, remember minute. If you need a laxative,
remember style hepatica. If you have a half hour next
Tuesday evening. At the same time, remember Duffy's tavern.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
When you late, Makeki Dot you to manager just speaking
Duffy and hold on Duffy. Yeah, that's right. Next week,
good Lawrence, Uh yeah, the English actroan. Yeah, yeah, I'm
gonna uh, I'm gonna get all dressed up duffy and
on a top hat and white tie and a manacle,
a manacle, pair of one eyed glasses. Yeah, like them
(28:46):
see an eye englishman with Well, good night, Duffy, See
you next week.
Speaker 3 (29:17):
Mothers, why let your boy or girl suffer from neglected
cold symptoms? Get after your child's cold distress quickly and
easily with minute rub modern chest rub. All you do
is massage minute rub on your youngster's back and chest
for rubbing on. Minute rub promptly helped soothe cold discomfort,
and minute rubs menthol vapors help relieve congestion and nose
(29:38):
and throats. Minute rub is breaseless and it's stainless too,
won't harm clothes or linens. So get after your child's
cold distress with its famous modern chest rub minute rub
m I N t r U B minute rub.
Speaker 8 (30:05):
This is the Blue Network. You are listening to k
E c A Los Angeles.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
Please send your questions and comments to host classiccomedyot R
dot com until next time. In the words of Abraham Lincoln,
bad promises are better broken than kept.