November 14, 2025 • 31 mins
Archie wants to win the $64 question off Phil Baker so he can invest in an oil well being sold by Crackpot O’Toole, the forger.
Originally aired on February 22, 1944. This is episode 118 of Duffy's Tavern.
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Originally aired on February 22, 1944. This is episode 118 of Duffy's Tavern.
Please email questions and comments to host@classiccomedyotr.com.
Like us on Facebook at facebook.com/classiccomedyotr. Please share this podcast with your friends and family.
You can also subscribe to our podcast on Spreaker.com, Spotify, iTunes, Stitcher, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, and Google podcasts.
This show is supported by Spreaker Prime.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Welcome to classic comedy of old time radio. I'm your
host Ron Ecklebarger. Archie wants to win the sixty four
dollars question off of Phil Baker so that he can
invest in an oil well being sold by crack pot
O'Toole the forger leave us. Listen to this one hundred
(00:36):
and eighteenth episode of Duffy's Tavern, entitled Guest Phil Baker.
It originally aired on February twenty two, nineteen forty four.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Where.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
A special rebroadcast for the American Armed Forces and there, allies,
you're invited to drop in where the elite meat to
eat Duffy's Tavern.
Speaker 4 (01:25):
Hello, Duffies, where do you elite meet date? Aren't you
to manage his bacon? Duffy ain't here? Hello Duffy tonight
Phil Baker, Phil Baker from the take her to leave it?
You know the guy with them fountain pens. Huh No,
not one of the ink spots. Now, this is the
guy that runs it. You know the program they you know,
(01:46):
they asked you who wrote the like Withering Heights, you know,
so you say David Copperfield and they give you sixty
four dollars for that who pays the sixty four dollars
Baker does. Yeah, you see, it's a bribe, so the
people will stand there while he tells them crummy jokes. No, no,
(02:09):
he don't only tell jokes. He plays the accordion too. Yeah,
that usually catch him more less than the jokes. Well, anyways,
I'm gonna try to win that sixty four bucks tonight, Tuppy.
Huh why can't I Because I'm a what well duffy.
It takes a joke to recognize that joke. Please to
(02:30):
meet you too, I'll call you back.
Speaker 5 (02:36):
Are you see, Eddie?
Speaker 4 (02:37):
I win the sixty four dollars from Phil Baker, I
buy two fifty dollars war bonds and the other twenty
eight dollars. I play around with pen money.
Speaker 5 (02:48):
I don't do this man count chicken before the hatch.
He cows them before you can count. What makes you
so sure you're gonna win that sixty four dollars?
Speaker 4 (02:56):
Well, listen, I heard that program. Gonna take an awful
dope to miss them questions.
Speaker 5 (03:01):
I think you can make it.
Speaker 4 (03:04):
Of course, I'm a little rusty on some of me facts.
You know, after Royally wasn't yesterday when I went to college.
Speaker 5 (03:10):
Wasn't the day before yesterday? It is? Do you mean
that I never went to college? That's what I mean?
How about high school?
Speaker 6 (03:20):
Uh?
Speaker 5 (03:20):
H junior high? Oh? The education is disappearing before me
very hye. Now I missed the arger. Not having an
education nothing to be shamed of. Why did it bother you?
Speaker 4 (03:36):
You've got a lot of other things to be shamed of,
but education ain't wanted. Tom ask me any questions. Okay,
how many states are there in the United States?
Speaker 5 (03:48):
How many states? And quite a few? How many states?
They used to be colonies? You know? How many?
Speaker 4 (04:00):
All?
Speaker 2 (04:00):
Right?
Speaker 5 (04:00):
Wise? Guy? How many are there? Forty eight?
Speaker 4 (04:03):
Right? But mind Jude, that is only since Alaska seceeded
into the Union.
Speaker 5 (04:11):
Oh youse, guys need an extra mind in this discussion.
Why no, not at all? And again come on in.
Speaker 4 (04:24):
Uh, Eddie and me just agreed that the United States
says forty eight states?
Speaker 5 (04:29):
Can you name them? Finnigan? Not quite all of them?
Speaker 7 (04:32):
Much?
Speaker 5 (04:34):
How many can you name three? Which ones? New York?
No Haven? And Hartford? Finnegan this others beside them? You know?
Speaker 4 (04:50):
Not many right around here, but you go out west
and the country is full of states.
Speaker 5 (04:56):
Do tell so you must have a brain to know
that things no more metal than yours.
Speaker 4 (05:04):
You see, basically, Finnegan, you got the same number of
gray matters as I have.
Speaker 5 (05:09):
So that's very nice to you. Watch, But do you'll
be surprised to line that many people get the impression
that I'm a dog?
Speaker 4 (05:26):
Well, you know, fin against some people as easily impressed.
But don't forget we was all born with the same brains.
It's it's like Lincoln said, some of the people's is
fools some of the time, and not of his fools
utter at the time, but some of the fools.
Speaker 5 (05:43):
And Lincoln was a smart man, so I don't recall
him saying, man, Lincoln don't remember saying, Anita.
Speaker 4 (05:52):
What Lincoln meant, fenning In is that all brains is
the same. You see, the human brain, or as it
is sometimes called, the crame, is made up of little serumbrellums,
or as they are sometimes called cells. Hello, watch, speaking
(06:13):
of cells, Loco's heir, Crack, come the forger. I'm no
longer a forge of watch. I am now a salesman.
A salesman. Huh yeh, watch, I have went straight. Well
that's fine, Crack pun, I'm glad to hear it. What
are you selling oil stocks? Here's me card CPO tool
(06:34):
field representative of to take a chance oil company. Take
a chance oil company. It sounds like a good, reliable firm.
March is an old pilot. I wouldn't let you in
on this thing if it wasn't reliable. You mean there's
a chance for a little kiny like me to get
inn to become a big oil maggot.
Speaker 5 (06:50):
Right, well, gee, thanks? Tell me, crackpot? Where is this
oil well of ours? Could you confide me? Watch? Surprise you?
Speaker 4 (07:01):
Where would you say was the largest and richest depositive
oil in the whole oil well?
Speaker 5 (07:06):
I figure down west. Nope, you're wrong.
Speaker 4 (07:10):
The largest and richest depositive oil in the whole oil
is at the bottom of the Great Salt Lake. Well,
at the bottom of the lake. And wait a minute, crackpot,
how are you gonna drill through the water?
Speaker 5 (07:22):
How are you gonna drill? That's the big secret? Arch.
We wait until win a time when the lake freezes over.
Shod I dare Yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:31):
The idea originated with our president and founder, mister H. G.
McGonagall mcgonigall, yeah, you remember him. Watch slippery McGonagall. He
was me roomy and sing sing.
Speaker 5 (07:41):
Oh the con man. Yeah. Oh, and then he's the
president of the company. Yeah. Is that so? I'm glad
the guy got a break. Well, tell me, crackpot, how
much of this stock can I get? Well? How much
gold do you want to put in?
Speaker 4 (08:00):
Well, I don't know, maybe thirty two or sixty four
dollars and.
Speaker 5 (08:05):
I'll leave you know later. Well, can you let me
have a deposit?
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Now?
Speaker 5 (08:09):
Say about the five bucks? No matter? Right?
Speaker 4 (08:14):
Well, you see now that there is actual cash involved.
Speaker 5 (08:19):
Well, what's farder on your McGonagall?
Speaker 4 (08:22):
Not that I got anything against sing sing, mind you,
but I wish that you had met McGonagall someplace else.
Speaker 5 (08:30):
Ohh, I don't think that's very kind of you.
Speaker 4 (08:33):
After role, I am a crooked too, bragpot.
Speaker 5 (08:40):
I don't like to hurt your feelings.
Speaker 4 (08:41):
But after roll, you know, McGonagall, you sing sing makes
a person think that maybe you who knows there ain't
even any oil in the bottom of the Great Salt Lake.
Speaker 5 (08:53):
You don't have to take Arvoyd for it.
Speaker 4 (08:55):
Arge, I have here a geologist report. Did you buy
any chance of a room with this geologist? Arch I
swear he was a poifect stranger, the biggest geologist in
New York.
Speaker 5 (09:07):
Let me read you what he says.
Speaker 4 (09:09):
We have investigated the claims of the Take a Chance
Oil Company, and our findings are as follows. The existence
of petroleum in the bottom of the Great Salt Lake
is a fallacious supposition which is scientifically inconceivable. I'm sorry,
crack but I owe you an apology.
Speaker 5 (09:31):
This puts you a whole no light on them.
Speaker 4 (09:33):
Think okay, arch, Now, if you let me have the
find dollar deposit, I'll hold the stock.
Speaker 5 (09:38):
Could you get the rest of it?
Speaker 4 (09:39):
Though?
Speaker 5 (09:39):
Five bucks? Not just a second? What about the fidela deposit?
Speaker 4 (10:30):
Well, crackpot, I've been trying to think where to get it.
But wait a minute, there's one place I ain't tried.
Of course, I can get it from Duffy. Thank you
(10:52):
very much, Duffy. Hey, Org, won't Duffy gets sore? Nah,
I'll be glad he lent it to me. Besides, I
won't tell him supposing he finds out. How could he
ever find out? Hello, Duffy, you had a premonition. Huh, Well, look,
(11:16):
nobody has been near the cash register except me.
Speaker 5 (11:20):
That was your premonition?
Speaker 4 (11:22):
Eh, Duffy, do you know that that is tantamount for
calling me a crook? Now, listen, Duffy, if you think
that I'm a crook, why don't you come right out? Well,
can't you wait until I'm finished? I shut up that
dirty Duffy accusing me of taking his money.
Speaker 5 (11:41):
Here's the five bucks crackpot.
Speaker 4 (11:44):
And as soon as I win the sixty four dollars
from Phil Baker, I'll give you the rest.
Speaker 5 (11:48):
Okay, I'll be back for the balance later.
Speaker 4 (11:51):
Oh boy, oil oil, golden liquid, petroleum. Yeah, oil oil
and viewers over the barrel dods.
Speaker 5 (12:03):
You must be crazy that you can find or in
the bottom of the league. And why pray pray at
is the only way you'll get that patrolium.
Speaker 4 (12:12):
Look, let's not talk about it now, Eddie. Here comes
Fell Baker.
Speaker 5 (12:15):
Hello, philm Hello Argie. Sorry I'm late. I had trouble
finding the place. You didn't well, you didn't have no
trouble the last time. I don't know, But this time
I've got a cold in my nose. Insults, insults.
Speaker 4 (12:39):
Everybody comes in here talks about the smell, about the
crummy people.
Speaker 5 (12:44):
Hatchie. I didn't say anything about the people. We'll take
a look at them crumbs.
Speaker 4 (12:49):
I said, you ain't blind, and you forget the good
things about the joint. You know this place is consistent.
You take them fancy places like the Stork Club and
the Copra Kabruma. One day, one day the food is
good and the next day it's bad.
Speaker 5 (13:09):
Here you know what to askspact.
Speaker 4 (13:12):
That's why Duffies will always be famous the last wording food, Yeah, famous,
last words, right, not a thing you can trust Duffy's menu.
You know you go to them high class places. You
order a hamburger? What did he do? They call it
to the shore fromage from marge occhi. That's cheese. See
and you ordered a hamburger?
Speaker 5 (13:35):
So oh mischa beger? Yes, the fourteen ninety two and
eighteen twelve? What's that? Two answers? You'll think of the
question why does the people like that always look like that?
Speaker 4 (14:02):
I don't know, fel I guess it's just for appearance's day. Look, fell,
how's about starting with the taking a leave of quiz?
No archie, not on my night off. I thought we'd
relax tonight and have some fun. That's why I brought
my accordion you're coudinging. I was afraid of that. Look, Phil,
(14:24):
please please don't play. Don't put it on fel Phil,
You're gonna hurt your shoulders with that thing. The people
here don't like music.
Speaker 5 (14:32):
Park, they'll enjoy this Archie.
Speaker 4 (14:35):
In addition to playing the accordion, I'll also tell jokes
bake it.
Speaker 5 (14:38):
Two wrongs don't make a.
Speaker 4 (14:40):
Right look, Archie, no accordion, no quiz, no quiz, no oil.
Speaker 5 (14:47):
Well, any particular song you'd like to hear it? Well,
there is a song that I wrote.
Speaker 4 (14:56):
You mean you want me to play that horrible let
us face it, bake it song you are referring to
happens to be that horror believer's space it. Okay, but
after this I'll have the only according in.
Speaker 5 (15:09):
The world with us.
Speaker 4 (15:13):
All right, here we go, let us face it.
Speaker 5 (15:28):
What a horrible sound? Right? How did you keep that
according from pinching his stomach? Who says that he does them? Sounds?
Can't all come on to the According.
Speaker 4 (15:52):
A song, Sinatrava sings this thing, they'll be wearing bobby socks.
Speaker 5 (15:57):
At half mask.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
This is the phantom of the sound ma Giopera. It
proves one thing you can't play a silk first on
a sound's ear. You know, I can see the composer
of this song turning over in his grave, turning over
in his grave, Baker, I am the composer.
Speaker 4 (16:26):
Well, I can dream, can I.
Speaker 5 (16:32):
You see? Eddie?
Speaker 4 (16:32):
The guy is physically handicapped. He's only got five fingers, honey, Chand.
Speaker 5 (16:38):
I'm physically handicapped too. I can hear every newer. Please
do you have to squeeze so high? Pardon me the otch.
I was just thinking of your throat, brother. This is
the poor man's mercy. Do h well, how would you
(17:12):
like it? Chie En upset the better? On the other hand,
what did you think of my song? Well, strictly to
the show fromage oh, tying the out of cheek huh.
We'll leave us get on with the quick.
Speaker 4 (18:21):
Now, ladies and gentlemen, we present that famous quiz program
Take it or leave it?
Speaker 5 (18:26):
Conducted with Phil Baker. Mister Baker prayed, don the podium
and do that.
Speaker 4 (18:32):
And now our first contestant of the evening is Archie. Okay, Archie,
what is your category?
Speaker 8 (18:41):
Uh?
Speaker 5 (18:41):
Would you mind to repeat that? I said, what is
your category? Oh?
Speaker 4 (18:47):
I'm the manager here, that's right, for one dollar. Miss second,
I thought I didn't know what a category was. Well, Phil,
so far I'm not as dumb as you thought it's
gonna be.
Speaker 5 (19:01):
I still have confidence in you, and uh thank you.
Speaker 4 (19:04):
Now before dollars, what invention was known as Fulton's folly?
Speaker 5 (19:08):
The fish market? No, no, no, Oh's folly. There they radiated.
Speaker 4 (19:23):
You're getting warm. Now turn on the steam, archie Steve.
Speaker 5 (19:28):
Steve, Well, why is complaining to me? Why don't you
complain to the landlord. I'm giving you a head, Archie Fulton, Steve.
Speaker 4 (19:39):
Let's see steam clams, steam fans.
Speaker 5 (19:45):
Shovels, boats like which one? Fulton invented the steamboat? He did?
Speaker 4 (19:59):
He did cause he did what kind amazing?
Speaker 5 (20:03):
How his is stay apart? Okay? Oh, do you want
to go for eight dollars? Uh? Uh okay? Eight jobs
for eight dollars? Who was buried in Grant's tomb? No health? Please?
Who's burying Grants? Don't fake it? That's insulting.
Speaker 4 (20:17):
I don't want the money that way. Who's buried in
Grant's tomb? That's an insult. Give me a real question.
Speaker 5 (20:22):
Okay, you asked for it. Name the tributary branches of
the Mississippi River, General Grant, I accept the answer. Now
what is the next question?
Speaker 2 (20:42):
All right?
Speaker 5 (20:42):
For sixteen dollars?
Speaker 4 (20:44):
What was the name of the beautiful princess who was
befriended by the seven dwarfs?
Speaker 5 (20:48):
Seven dwarps? Teach, little dwarfs are big dwarfs?
Speaker 6 (20:53):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (20:53):
Just norvel dwarfs, normal dwarfs and princess and seven dwarfs?
Speaker 5 (20:59):
Now now right, I got it?
Speaker 4 (21:06):
All right, archie, I'll give you sixteen dollars for recognizing
the two. Now you've got sixteen dollars. Do you want
to go for thirty two?
Speaker 5 (21:14):
Banker? If you is me, would you quit? I was you,
I wouldn't have the brains to quit.
Speaker 4 (21:19):
Now for thirty two dollars, what race of people sold
Manhattan Islands?
Speaker 5 (21:22):
Are the Dutch? For twenty four dollars? An island? Now?
What's rac w what quyant? Well?
Speaker 4 (21:30):
He is? How can a guy concentrate when you ball
that act like a bunch of Indians?
Speaker 5 (21:37):
Indians? Is correct? Sir? You win thirty two dollars. Now
this is amazing. Would you like to go for the
sixty four dollars question? Well, it's up to you. You
think I should? Why not well. I'm hunt tonight. You'll
be sorry. Okay, I'll see you for sixty four dollars.
Speaker 4 (21:56):
Where is the largest and richest oil deposit in the
United States? Oh boy, right up the alley, Bacon. The
largest and richest oyal deposit in the United States is
at the bottom of a great salt lake.
Speaker 5 (22:16):
Archie.
Speaker 4 (22:17):
There is as much oil in the Great Salt Lake
as there's brains in your head. I've been swindled, sorry, Archie.
Oh that tiny crack poddle tool. Once a fortune, always
a crooked crackpot.
Speaker 5 (22:28):
Crackpot kill me, Okay, Archie, I'm sorry. I confess I
tried to clip it, and I'm ashamed. I should have
never got into this racket. Yep, Crackpot, you was as
much honest the guy when you was a fortune.
Speaker 4 (22:41):
You're right, and I think I'll go back to fortune
and Ouch, I'm gonna see that you get backed not
only your five dollars deposit, but also the sixty four.
Speaker 5 (22:50):
Dollars you are lord on account of my crookedness. I'm
gonna give me It's sixty four cheeta. That's nice. If
your crackpot, I'm glad to do it.
Speaker 4 (22:58):
Arch Mister Baker, could I borrow your mountain pen crack back.
Speaker 6 (23:03):
The ship books. Stay in a way, Duffy's where you
(23:54):
late me?
Speaker 4 (23:55):
Did Aggie speaking, Yeah, Duffy, that's right. Then next way
Craysie fails of the English name. Mm hmmm, yeah, it
got me very sure of herself. Well it's so long, Duffy,
I'll sais nexttre.
Speaker 9 (24:09):
Oh before we leave, Duffies leave us. Put a couple
(24:42):
of nickels in duffies jukebox. The plat is spinning, the
needle comes down.
Speaker 5 (24:48):
It's music.
Speaker 7 (25:04):
There's some impootro almost the queener and no china or.
Speaker 8 (25:20):
Some mut.
Speaker 7 (25:24):
Getting from off her birthday.
Speaker 5 (25:27):
Her deady was rubbing.
Speaker 8 (25:31):
Here.
Speaker 5 (25:32):
Often they came with.
Speaker 8 (25:34):
Their coming around them.
Speaker 5 (25:35):
So host your par who from me after.
Speaker 3 (25:39):
I get part of it.
Speaker 8 (25:41):
Manyana your yest levels will level.
Speaker 5 (25:45):
Say there's some.
Speaker 8 (25:49):
Some impood almost the queen cannot tail. Some try.
Speaker 7 (26:08):
Game off and that'd take her dead.
Speaker 5 (26:12):
Are more.
Speaker 8 (26:24):
Time I told me my darling and say that he
was always.
Speaker 5 (26:42):
Me, my.
Speaker 7 (26:46):
Joys, something new, my aunt and pulling you even you
the will before.
Speaker 5 (26:54):
Though, I'd be holding a close to me whtream.
Speaker 7 (26:58):
If you wild, you're a small.
Speaker 5 (27:03):
If you should leave me each and day would take
bring on.
Speaker 7 (27:10):
My hide, my mojoy, love me forever, and make all my.
Speaker 8 (27:25):
Dreams floy I begin.
Speaker 5 (29:38):
This three broadcast is a presentation of the Armed Courses
Radio Service.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
Listen your questions and comments to host at Classiccomedy o
tr dot com until next time. In the words of C. S. Lewis,
the present is the only time in which any duty
can be done or any grace received,
Welcome to classic comedy of old time radio. I'm your
host Ron Ecklebarger. Archie wants to win the sixty four
dollars question off of Phil Baker so that he can
invest in an oil well being sold by crack pot
O'Toole the forger leave us. Listen to this one hundred
(00:36):
and eighteenth episode of Duffy's Tavern, entitled Guest Phil Baker.
It originally aired on February twenty two, nineteen forty four.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Where.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
A special rebroadcast for the American Armed Forces and there, allies,
you're invited to drop in where the elite meat to
eat Duffy's Tavern.
Speaker 4 (01:25):
Hello, Duffies, where do you elite meet date? Aren't you
to manage his bacon? Duffy ain't here? Hello Duffy tonight
Phil Baker, Phil Baker from the take her to leave it?
You know the guy with them fountain pens. Huh No,
not one of the ink spots. Now, this is the
guy that runs it. You know the program they you know,
(01:46):
they asked you who wrote the like Withering Heights, you know,
so you say David Copperfield and they give you sixty
four dollars for that who pays the sixty four dollars
Baker does. Yeah, you see, it's a bribe, so the
people will stand there while he tells them crummy jokes. No, no,
(02:09):
he don't only tell jokes. He plays the accordion too. Yeah,
that usually catch him more less than the jokes. Well, anyways,
I'm gonna try to win that sixty four bucks tonight, Tuppy.
Huh why can't I Because I'm a what well duffy.
It takes a joke to recognize that joke. Please to
(02:30):
meet you too, I'll call you back.
Speaker 5 (02:36):
Are you see, Eddie?
Speaker 4 (02:37):
I win the sixty four dollars from Phil Baker, I
buy two fifty dollars war bonds and the other twenty
eight dollars. I play around with pen money.
Speaker 5 (02:48):
I don't do this man count chicken before the hatch.
He cows them before you can count. What makes you
so sure you're gonna win that sixty four dollars?
Speaker 4 (02:56):
Well, listen, I heard that program. Gonna take an awful
dope to miss them questions.
Speaker 5 (03:01):
I think you can make it.
Speaker 4 (03:04):
Of course, I'm a little rusty on some of me facts.
You know, after Royally wasn't yesterday when I went to college.
Speaker 5 (03:10):
Wasn't the day before yesterday? It is? Do you mean
that I never went to college? That's what I mean?
How about high school?
Speaker 6 (03:20):
Uh?
Speaker 5 (03:20):
H junior high? Oh? The education is disappearing before me
very hye. Now I missed the arger. Not having an
education nothing to be shamed of. Why did it bother you?
Speaker 4 (03:36):
You've got a lot of other things to be shamed of,
but education ain't wanted. Tom ask me any questions. Okay,
how many states are there in the United States?
Speaker 5 (03:48):
How many states? And quite a few? How many states?
They used to be colonies? You know? How many?
Speaker 4 (04:00):
All?
Speaker 2 (04:00):
Right?
Speaker 5 (04:00):
Wise? Guy? How many are there? Forty eight?
Speaker 4 (04:03):
Right? But mind Jude, that is only since Alaska seceeded
into the Union.
Speaker 5 (04:11):
Oh youse, guys need an extra mind in this discussion.
Why no, not at all? And again come on in.
Speaker 4 (04:24):
Uh, Eddie and me just agreed that the United States
says forty eight states?
Speaker 5 (04:29):
Can you name them? Finnigan? Not quite all of them?
Speaker 7 (04:32):
Much?
Speaker 5 (04:34):
How many can you name three? Which ones? New York?
No Haven? And Hartford? Finnegan this others beside them? You know?
Speaker 4 (04:50):
Not many right around here, but you go out west
and the country is full of states.
Speaker 5 (04:56):
Do tell so you must have a brain to know
that things no more metal than yours.
Speaker 4 (05:04):
You see, basically, Finnegan, you got the same number of
gray matters as I have.
Speaker 5 (05:09):
So that's very nice to you. Watch, But do you'll
be surprised to line that many people get the impression
that I'm a dog?
Speaker 4 (05:26):
Well, you know, fin against some people as easily impressed.
But don't forget we was all born with the same brains.
It's it's like Lincoln said, some of the people's is
fools some of the time, and not of his fools
utter at the time, but some of the fools.
Speaker 5 (05:43):
And Lincoln was a smart man, so I don't recall
him saying, man, Lincoln don't remember saying, Anita.
Speaker 4 (05:52):
What Lincoln meant, fenning In is that all brains is
the same. You see, the human brain, or as it
is sometimes called, the crame, is made up of little serumbrellums,
or as they are sometimes called cells. Hello, watch, speaking
(06:13):
of cells, Loco's heir, Crack, come the forger. I'm no
longer a forge of watch. I am now a salesman.
A salesman. Huh yeh, watch, I have went straight. Well
that's fine, Crack pun, I'm glad to hear it. What
are you selling oil stocks? Here's me card CPO tool
(06:34):
field representative of to take a chance oil company. Take
a chance oil company. It sounds like a good, reliable firm.
March is an old pilot. I wouldn't let you in
on this thing if it wasn't reliable. You mean there's
a chance for a little kiny like me to get
inn to become a big oil maggot.
Speaker 5 (06:50):
Right, well, gee, thanks? Tell me, crackpot? Where is this
oil well of ours? Could you confide me? Watch? Surprise you?
Speaker 4 (07:01):
Where would you say was the largest and richest depositive
oil in the whole oil well?
Speaker 5 (07:06):
I figure down west. Nope, you're wrong.
Speaker 4 (07:10):
The largest and richest depositive oil in the whole oil
is at the bottom of the Great Salt Lake. Well,
at the bottom of the lake. And wait a minute, crackpot,
how are you gonna drill through the water?
Speaker 5 (07:22):
How are you gonna drill? That's the big secret? Arch.
We wait until win a time when the lake freezes over.
Shod I dare Yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:31):
The idea originated with our president and founder, mister H. G.
McGonagall mcgonigall, yeah, you remember him. Watch slippery McGonagall. He
was me roomy and sing sing.
Speaker 5 (07:41):
Oh the con man. Yeah. Oh, and then he's the
president of the company. Yeah. Is that so? I'm glad
the guy got a break. Well, tell me, crackpot, how
much of this stock can I get? Well? How much
gold do you want to put in?
Speaker 4 (08:00):
Well, I don't know, maybe thirty two or sixty four
dollars and.
Speaker 5 (08:05):
I'll leave you know later. Well, can you let me
have a deposit?
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Now?
Speaker 5 (08:09):
Say about the five bucks? No matter? Right?
Speaker 4 (08:14):
Well, you see now that there is actual cash involved.
Speaker 5 (08:19):
Well, what's farder on your McGonagall?
Speaker 4 (08:22):
Not that I got anything against sing sing, mind you,
but I wish that you had met McGonagall someplace else.
Speaker 5 (08:30):
Ohh, I don't think that's very kind of you.
Speaker 4 (08:33):
After role, I am a crooked too, bragpot.
Speaker 5 (08:40):
I don't like to hurt your feelings.
Speaker 4 (08:41):
But after roll, you know, McGonagall, you sing sing makes
a person think that maybe you who knows there ain't
even any oil in the bottom of the Great Salt Lake.
Speaker 5 (08:53):
You don't have to take Arvoyd for it.
Speaker 4 (08:55):
Arge, I have here a geologist report. Did you buy
any chance of a room with this geologist? Arch I
swear he was a poifect stranger, the biggest geologist in
New York.
Speaker 5 (09:07):
Let me read you what he says.
Speaker 4 (09:09):
We have investigated the claims of the Take a Chance
Oil Company, and our findings are as follows. The existence
of petroleum in the bottom of the Great Salt Lake
is a fallacious supposition which is scientifically inconceivable. I'm sorry,
crack but I owe you an apology.
Speaker 5 (09:31):
This puts you a whole no light on them.
Speaker 4 (09:33):
Think okay, arch, Now, if you let me have the
find dollar deposit, I'll hold the stock.
Speaker 5 (09:38):
Could you get the rest of it?
Speaker 4 (09:39):
Though?
Speaker 5 (09:39):
Five bucks? Not just a second? What about the fidela deposit?
Speaker 4 (10:30):
Well, crackpot, I've been trying to think where to get it.
But wait a minute, there's one place I ain't tried.
Of course, I can get it from Duffy. Thank you
(10:52):
very much, Duffy. Hey, Org, won't Duffy gets sore? Nah,
I'll be glad he lent it to me. Besides, I
won't tell him supposing he finds out. How could he
ever find out? Hello, Duffy, you had a premonition. Huh, Well, look,
(11:16):
nobody has been near the cash register except me.
Speaker 5 (11:20):
That was your premonition?
Speaker 4 (11:22):
Eh, Duffy, do you know that that is tantamount for
calling me a crook? Now, listen, Duffy, if you think
that I'm a crook, why don't you come right out? Well,
can't you wait until I'm finished? I shut up that
dirty Duffy accusing me of taking his money.
Speaker 5 (11:41):
Here's the five bucks crackpot.
Speaker 4 (11:44):
And as soon as I win the sixty four dollars
from Phil Baker, I'll give you the rest.
Speaker 5 (11:48):
Okay, I'll be back for the balance later.
Speaker 4 (11:51):
Oh boy, oil oil, golden liquid, petroleum. Yeah, oil oil
and viewers over the barrel dods.
Speaker 5 (12:03):
You must be crazy that you can find or in
the bottom of the league. And why pray pray at
is the only way you'll get that patrolium.
Speaker 4 (12:12):
Look, let's not talk about it now, Eddie. Here comes
Fell Baker.
Speaker 5 (12:15):
Hello, philm Hello Argie. Sorry I'm late. I had trouble
finding the place. You didn't well, you didn't have no
trouble the last time. I don't know, But this time
I've got a cold in my nose. Insults, insults.
Speaker 4 (12:39):
Everybody comes in here talks about the smell, about the
crummy people.
Speaker 5 (12:44):
Hatchie. I didn't say anything about the people. We'll take
a look at them crumbs.
Speaker 4 (12:49):
I said, you ain't blind, and you forget the good
things about the joint. You know this place is consistent.
You take them fancy places like the Stork Club and
the Copra Kabruma. One day, one day the food is
good and the next day it's bad.
Speaker 5 (13:09):
Here you know what to askspact.
Speaker 4 (13:12):
That's why Duffies will always be famous the last wording food, Yeah, famous,
last words, right, not a thing you can trust Duffy's menu.
You know you go to them high class places. You
order a hamburger? What did he do? They call it
to the shore fromage from marge occhi. That's cheese. See
and you ordered a hamburger?
Speaker 5 (13:35):
So oh mischa beger? Yes, the fourteen ninety two and
eighteen twelve? What's that? Two answers? You'll think of the
question why does the people like that always look like that?
Speaker 4 (14:02):
I don't know, fel I guess it's just for appearance's day. Look, fell,
how's about starting with the taking a leave of quiz?
No archie, not on my night off. I thought we'd
relax tonight and have some fun. That's why I brought
my accordion you're coudinging. I was afraid of that. Look, Phil,
(14:24):
please please don't play. Don't put it on fel Phil,
You're gonna hurt your shoulders with that thing. The people
here don't like music.
Speaker 5 (14:32):
Park, they'll enjoy this Archie.
Speaker 4 (14:35):
In addition to playing the accordion, I'll also tell jokes
bake it.
Speaker 5 (14:38):
Two wrongs don't make a.
Speaker 4 (14:40):
Right look, Archie, no accordion, no quiz, no quiz, no oil.
Speaker 5 (14:47):
Well, any particular song you'd like to hear it? Well,
there is a song that I wrote.
Speaker 4 (14:56):
You mean you want me to play that horrible let
us face it, bake it song you are referring to
happens to be that horror believer's space it. Okay, but
after this I'll have the only according in.
Speaker 5 (15:09):
The world with us.
Speaker 4 (15:13):
All right, here we go, let us face it.
Speaker 5 (15:28):
What a horrible sound? Right? How did you keep that
according from pinching his stomach? Who says that he does them? Sounds?
Can't all come on to the According.
Speaker 4 (15:52):
A song, Sinatrava sings this thing, they'll be wearing bobby socks.
Speaker 5 (15:57):
At half mask.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
This is the phantom of the sound ma Giopera. It
proves one thing you can't play a silk first on
a sound's ear. You know, I can see the composer
of this song turning over in his grave, turning over
in his grave, Baker, I am the composer.
Speaker 4 (16:26):
Well, I can dream, can I.
Speaker 5 (16:32):
You see? Eddie?
Speaker 4 (16:32):
The guy is physically handicapped. He's only got five fingers, honey, Chand.
Speaker 5 (16:38):
I'm physically handicapped too. I can hear every newer. Please
do you have to squeeze so high? Pardon me the otch.
I was just thinking of your throat, brother. This is
the poor man's mercy. Do h well, how would you
(17:12):
like it? Chie En upset the better? On the other hand,
what did you think of my song? Well, strictly to
the show fromage oh, tying the out of cheek huh.
We'll leave us get on with the quick.
Speaker 4 (18:21):
Now, ladies and gentlemen, we present that famous quiz program
Take it or leave it?
Speaker 5 (18:26):
Conducted with Phil Baker. Mister Baker prayed, don the podium
and do that.
Speaker 4 (18:32):
And now our first contestant of the evening is Archie. Okay, Archie,
what is your category?
Speaker 8 (18:41):
Uh?
Speaker 5 (18:41):
Would you mind to repeat that? I said, what is
your category? Oh?
Speaker 4 (18:47):
I'm the manager here, that's right, for one dollar. Miss second,
I thought I didn't know what a category was. Well, Phil,
so far I'm not as dumb as you thought it's
gonna be.
Speaker 5 (19:01):
I still have confidence in you, and uh thank you.
Speaker 4 (19:04):
Now before dollars, what invention was known as Fulton's folly?
Speaker 5 (19:08):
The fish market? No, no, no, Oh's folly. There they radiated.
Speaker 4 (19:23):
You're getting warm. Now turn on the steam, archie Steve.
Speaker 5 (19:28):
Steve, Well, why is complaining to me? Why don't you
complain to the landlord. I'm giving you a head, Archie Fulton, Steve.
Speaker 4 (19:39):
Let's see steam clams, steam fans.
Speaker 5 (19:45):
Shovels, boats like which one? Fulton invented the steamboat? He did?
Speaker 4 (19:59):
He did cause he did what kind amazing?
Speaker 5 (20:03):
How his is stay apart? Okay? Oh, do you want
to go for eight dollars? Uh? Uh okay? Eight jobs
for eight dollars? Who was buried in Grant's tomb? No health? Please?
Who's burying Grants? Don't fake it? That's insulting.
Speaker 4 (20:17):
I don't want the money that way. Who's buried in
Grant's tomb? That's an insult. Give me a real question.
Speaker 5 (20:22):
Okay, you asked for it. Name the tributary branches of
the Mississippi River, General Grant, I accept the answer. Now
what is the next question?
Speaker 2 (20:42):
All right?
Speaker 5 (20:42):
For sixteen dollars?
Speaker 4 (20:44):
What was the name of the beautiful princess who was
befriended by the seven dwarfs?
Speaker 5 (20:48):
Seven dwarps? Teach, little dwarfs are big dwarfs?
Speaker 6 (20:53):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (20:53):
Just norvel dwarfs, normal dwarfs and princess and seven dwarfs?
Speaker 5 (20:59):
Now now right, I got it?
Speaker 4 (21:06):
All right, archie, I'll give you sixteen dollars for recognizing
the two. Now you've got sixteen dollars. Do you want
to go for thirty two?
Speaker 5 (21:14):
Banker? If you is me, would you quit? I was you,
I wouldn't have the brains to quit.
Speaker 4 (21:19):
Now for thirty two dollars, what race of people sold
Manhattan Islands?
Speaker 5 (21:22):
Are the Dutch? For twenty four dollars? An island? Now?
What's rac w what quyant? Well?
Speaker 4 (21:30):
He is? How can a guy concentrate when you ball
that act like a bunch of Indians?
Speaker 5 (21:37):
Indians? Is correct? Sir? You win thirty two dollars. Now
this is amazing. Would you like to go for the
sixty four dollars question? Well, it's up to you. You
think I should? Why not well. I'm hunt tonight. You'll
be sorry. Okay, I'll see you for sixty four dollars.
Speaker 4 (21:56):
Where is the largest and richest oil deposit in the
United States? Oh boy, right up the alley, Bacon. The
largest and richest oyal deposit in the United States is
at the bottom of a great salt lake.
Speaker 5 (22:16):
Archie.
Speaker 4 (22:17):
There is as much oil in the Great Salt Lake
as there's brains in your head. I've been swindled, sorry, Archie.
Oh that tiny crack poddle tool. Once a fortune, always
a crooked crackpot.
Speaker 5 (22:28):
Crackpot kill me, Okay, Archie, I'm sorry. I confess I
tried to clip it, and I'm ashamed. I should have
never got into this racket. Yep, Crackpot, you was as
much honest the guy when you was a fortune.
Speaker 4 (22:41):
You're right, and I think I'll go back to fortune
and Ouch, I'm gonna see that you get backed not
only your five dollars deposit, but also the sixty four.
Speaker 5 (22:50):
Dollars you are lord on account of my crookedness. I'm
gonna give me It's sixty four cheeta. That's nice. If
your crackpot, I'm glad to do it.
Speaker 4 (22:58):
Arch Mister Baker, could I borrow your mountain pen crack back.
Speaker 6 (23:03):
The ship books. Stay in a way, Duffy's where you
(23:54):
late me?
Speaker 4 (23:55):
Did Aggie speaking, Yeah, Duffy, that's right. Then next way
Craysie fails of the English name. Mm hmmm, yeah, it
got me very sure of herself. Well it's so long, Duffy,
I'll sais nexttre.
Speaker 9 (24:09):
Oh before we leave, Duffies leave us. Put a couple
(24:42):
of nickels in duffies jukebox. The plat is spinning, the
needle comes down.
Speaker 5 (24:48):
It's music.
Speaker 7 (25:04):
There's some impootro almost the queener and no china or.
Speaker 8 (25:20):
Some mut.
Speaker 7 (25:24):
Getting from off her birthday.
Speaker 5 (25:27):
Her deady was rubbing.
Speaker 8 (25:31):
Here.
Speaker 5 (25:32):
Often they came with.
Speaker 8 (25:34):
Their coming around them.
Speaker 5 (25:35):
So host your par who from me after.
Speaker 3 (25:39):
I get part of it.
Speaker 8 (25:41):
Manyana your yest levels will level.
Speaker 5 (25:45):
Say there's some.
Speaker 8 (25:49):
Some impood almost the queen cannot tail. Some try.
Speaker 7 (26:08):
Game off and that'd take her dead.
Speaker 5 (26:12):
Are more.
Speaker 8 (26:24):
Time I told me my darling and say that he
was always.
Speaker 5 (26:42):
Me, my.
Speaker 7 (26:46):
Joys, something new, my aunt and pulling you even you
the will before.
Speaker 5 (26:54):
Though, I'd be holding a close to me whtream.
Speaker 7 (26:58):
If you wild, you're a small.
Speaker 5 (27:03):
If you should leave me each and day would take
bring on.
Speaker 7 (27:10):
My hide, my mojoy, love me forever, and make all my.
Speaker 8 (27:25):
Dreams floy I begin.
Speaker 5 (29:38):
This three broadcast is a presentation of the Armed Courses
Radio Service.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
Listen your questions and comments to host at Classiccomedy o
tr dot com until next time. In the words of C. S. Lewis,
the present is the only time in which any duty
can be done or any grace received,
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