November 9, 2025 • 30 mins
Archie tries to get some dating advice from Laird Cregar so he can get a date with Michelle Morgan.
Originally aired on February 15, 1944. This is episode 117 of Duffy's Tavern.
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Originally aired on February 15, 1944. This is episode 117 of Duffy's Tavern.
Please email questions and comments to host@classiccomedyotr.com.
Like us on Facebook at facebook.com/classiccomedyotr. Please share this podcast with your friends and family.
You can also subscribe to our podcast on Spreaker.com, Spotify, iTunes, Stitcher, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, and Google podcasts.
This show is supported by Spreaker Prime.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Welcome to classic comedy of old time radio. I'm your
host Ron Ecklebarger. Archie tries to get some dating advice
from Laird Krieger so he can get a date with
Michelle Morgan. Leave us listen to this one hundred and
seventeenth episode of Duffy's Tavern, entitled Guests Laard Krieger and
(00:36):
Michelle Morgan. It originally aired on February fifteenth, nineteen forty four.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Square a special rebroadcast for the American Armed Forces and
Their Lives. You're invited to drop in where the elite
meete week Duffy's Tavern.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
Hello, Duffy's Wether you late make day, don't you? The
man just making Duffy ain't hair?
Speaker 4 (01:23):
Hello Duffy Tonight led Craig Guy, the horror guy from
the movies, Why, sort of a king's sized Peter Lari. Yeah,
he's in that picture the Lodgie. You know, a guy
that walks around with a knife in his hand all
the time. Yeah, slash happy. Oh, but he's very polite
(01:44):
about it.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
You know.
Speaker 4 (01:44):
He walks up to a beautiful dame, removes his hat
and bows, then he removes her hat.
Speaker 3 (01:51):
Head. No, a fat guy. Oh well, Duffy, he's reduced
quite a bit.
Speaker 4 (01:59):
Well, you know, you can take and streamline a locomotive,
but when you get through, it's still a locomotive.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
Yeah, okay, I'll call you back later. Du Danny.
Speaker 4 (02:50):
What kind of a great and you think I ought
to give that Craig got tonight? What what do you
think I ought to say to the guy?
Speaker 3 (02:56):
Well, you could say good evening? What American native the
good five cent Craig are?
Speaker 4 (03:06):
That is very coarse humor. Now, this guy's a big actor,
you know, and I like to make them important Hollywood
guys and eat them. Guys gonna an appreciation of life,
you know, a zest for gusts, a love for living, you.
Speaker 3 (03:21):
Know, and a hatred for tipping.
Speaker 5 (03:25):
Paddy.
Speaker 4 (03:25):
You're always thinking about money. Don't be so mercerized. Besides,
a guy like this great guy, I might give you
a you know, a job in one of his movies.
Speaker 3 (03:35):
But what good is the job in the picture with
that guy? Just when the utist is getting used to you,
you're liquidated. I don't like them horror pictures. Oh I
don't know. I like horror picture.
Speaker 4 (03:47):
I like this stock RealiTISM, you know, I seen one
of the other day when his mad scientists performs this
appened app dectomy deconomy. Uh uh on, it's not happened
economic yeah on a on an ape's head, you see,
and he puts the ape's brain into a guy's body.
(04:09):
Imagine that eddie ape's brain and a human guy's body. Hi, Bennigan,
did you hear about that Lad Kraig coming down here tonight?
Speaker 6 (04:24):
Oh?
Speaker 7 (04:24):
Yeah, I see all of his pictures. Dude, boy, did
they scare me?
Speaker 5 (04:29):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (04:30):
I chew me now?
Speaker 7 (04:31):
I wake up screaming at night? Did I break out
in a cold sweat?
Speaker 3 (04:35):
Well, then why do you go to see them? Alight?
Speaker 5 (04:38):
I gotta get some pleasure out of life.
Speaker 4 (04:44):
Did you see his last picture, the Lodgic, Oh yeah,
I turned very interesting.
Speaker 7 (04:49):
Oh gosh, the particularly the fog, what a fog?
Speaker 4 (04:54):
It was so ticket that hordly see the pictures, I
asked one a hound in movie. Guys, make that fun go.
I know how the met it the night I was
how the guy next to me was smoking a cigar.
But I would say, by and large the picture was
(05:16):
well wiped.
Speaker 5 (05:17):
The price of admission. I did not at all regret
sneaking in.
Speaker 3 (05:25):
An again.
Speaker 4 (05:26):
You mean to tell me that you sneaked into such
a big movies d.
Speaker 5 (05:30):
I got a very clever system. Much did you see?
Speaker 7 (05:33):
I walk up to the guy in the box office
and I say, do you pardon me?
Speaker 5 (05:36):
I left my umbrella inshide?
Speaker 3 (05:38):
Could?
Speaker 5 (05:38):
I don't get it? They you follow me so far?
Speaker 3 (05:42):
Well I'm not a yes, yes, you'll make it fight
up too, Spinnagan.
Speaker 4 (05:46):
Go ahead, thanks, Well anyway, I go in shide, I
get my umbrella and I see the picture just the second?
Speaker 3 (05:54):
How did your umbrella get in there?
Speaker 5 (05:56):
So I left it there yesterday?
Speaker 3 (05:59):
Well, how did you get in there yesterday?
Speaker 5 (06:01):
Die bough the ticket?
Speaker 3 (06:03):
Well, then why didn't you see the picture yesterday?
Speaker 5 (06:06):
That's the clever podage.
Speaker 7 (06:08):
I buy a ticket, lave the umbrella, walk out, and
the next day I see the pretty for nothing?
Speaker 4 (06:18):
You know something funny and you don't look as dumb
as you want? What do you hell asking me if
I love as a clancy? I ain't seen hide and
the seke of you for months. Well, I've been assigned
to special duty. Archie juvenile delinquency.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
Oh guys not paying them bills?
Speaker 4 (06:37):
Huh?
Speaker 6 (06:39):
No, archy juvenile delinquency is what happens when little children
stop acting.
Speaker 4 (06:44):
Like their fathers. But uh, don't let me interrupt the conversation. Oh,
no conversation. We were just talking, but about horror pictures, all.
Speaker 3 (06:57):
Damn stupid things for them store.
Speaker 4 (07:00):
But cops, what do you mean, Clancy, Or they have
them Irish cops for the brogs.
Speaker 6 (07:04):
Thought you can hardly understand them.
Speaker 3 (07:07):
Yeah, I hear what you mean, Clancy, and I think
you're right.
Speaker 6 (07:12):
Right by the way, Aie, I just happened to have
here some tickets to the policeman's bar.
Speaker 3 (07:18):
Oh, you just happen to have them?
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Huh?
Speaker 5 (07:21):
How many will you be wanting, don't she?
Speaker 3 (07:24):
Clancy?
Speaker 4 (07:24):
As you look around the place here, do you see
any violations of their firelows or anything?
Speaker 6 (07:30):
No, Ichie as far as I can see, or not
breaking any laws here.
Speaker 4 (07:35):
Well, Clancy, as far as I can see, I won't
be wanting any tickets. Try Eddie over there, Oh Eddio, yes, Eddie,
I understand.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
It was quite a card game.
Speaker 6 (07:47):
You had a short place Saturday nights. May I ask
if you were playing for money.
Speaker 4 (07:52):
I was gonna buy two tickets anyway, and are cheese
to get back to you?
Speaker 6 (08:02):
There is a violation in this place? What I just
finished eating the pigs? Snucklet did I pay your hearts?
Speaker 3 (08:08):
Did you play your getting plenty? Certainly not right? So
y'all gives you a bribing an officer?
Speaker 6 (08:16):
How many tickets do you watch?
Speaker 4 (08:17):
I'll take one ticket, only one ticket. Well, I ain't
got an this one. If I had a name, hold
it a minute, clancy, Hey, get a load of one.
Speaker 3 (08:30):
Just womped in.
Speaker 4 (08:32):
I wanna hunk a feminine punkret. Oh where did this
come from?
Speaker 5 (08:39):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Pardon me? Holed the partners? Oh mine? Uh? To whom
are you looking for? Anybody? In particular? I'm looking for Benevenuta.
Oh well she'll be hearing the nuns, won't you pray?
Be seated? Thank you? What a dish archie.
Speaker 5 (09:00):
That's just what I call him, beauty for good?
Speaker 3 (09:03):
Huh yeah yeah.
Speaker 4 (09:05):
If you didn't happen to go for that type, how
come your eyes that popping out of your head?
Speaker 3 (09:12):
Eddie?
Speaker 4 (09:12):
I happened to go for that type. Boy, I want
a dame Archie. You suddenly seem to have perked up
a lot.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
Yeah, Danny, it's like magic. One minute I'm feeling very low,
and the next minute me.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
Corpsuckles batting each other's brains out with a little luck,
I may have to buy another ticket to the Policeman's ball.
Speaker 3 (09:35):
Plancy come around.
Speaker 4 (09:36):
A little later, and no talks to you, oh archie,
Oh Benet, listen, who's that girl fundy you? Or is
that just come in there at Michelle Morgan, Michelle Morgan,
the French movie star. The Dame was in Joan of Paris,
and that RKO picture high and hire Benet? Would you
give me a knockdown?
Speaker 5 (09:54):
You?
Speaker 3 (09:54):
Would you introduce me? Well? I might right after my
next TG. Well, sing fast, then, Benet, sing fast.
Speaker 8 (10:05):
All.
Speaker 6 (10:07):
Lahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
The plain and the wave and sweet can should fell
sweep when the wind.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
Comes right behind the rain.
Speaker 7 (10:19):
Walk Lahoma, every night, my honey, lamb and nye.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
Dit alone and hawk and watch your hawk making lazy
circles in the sky.
Speaker 4 (10:32):
We know we belong to the land, and the land
we belong to his friend's right side, twinking and blinking,
ain't no finer rig.
Speaker 6 (10:45):
I'm a thinking you can keep your rig in.
Speaker 7 (10:48):
You're thinking that I care ooh, swap for that shiny
little sorry with.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
The fringe on the Oh.
Speaker 4 (11:03):
Oh, we know we belong to the land, and the
land we belong.
Speaker 8 (11:09):
To is brand.
Speaker 3 (11:12):
And when we say.
Speaker 7 (11:15):
Oh ye be i aay.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
Oh plahome, ma oh plahome, ma oh plaho ma no,
(11:45):
what do you say? How about it?
Speaker 4 (11:46):
Bennet, Oh Michelle, our chiesus is Michelle Morgan, Michelle, if
you need me, scream.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
Well, Ma'amsella. So you're toti swait from my charade? I
beg your pardon.
Speaker 4 (12:02):
What's the matter.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
Don't you talk French? Don't I talk French? Well, mademoiselle,
you are three riversante oh bokoo, monsieur massy messy?
Speaker 4 (12:13):
Does you just keep pitching him out to show him
right back? Of course, Michelle, you know my French might
sound a little rusty. I ain't been to Paris in
so many years now, a gapering.
Speaker 3 (12:34):
So you've been to Paris?
Speaker 7 (12:37):
Me?
Speaker 4 (12:38):
I she.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
The gay boat near the boulevards.
Speaker 4 (12:44):
Look, I've been to Paris as often as April, Yes, sir,
every night you could find me sitting one of them
sidewalk cafeterias, you know, sniffing an absent.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
Oh boy, want to rolla? I was good old Paris.
Speaker 4 (13:12):
I ain't been there in fifteen years but I've always
kept in touch, you know, postcards.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
But how I miss it? How I missing?
Speaker 6 (13:25):
Did you know?
Speaker 3 (13:26):
Did I a MoMA? Certainly?
Speaker 8 (13:29):
Did he say?
Speaker 3 (13:30):
Of course?
Speaker 4 (13:31):
Did you know? Four of the sweetest guys that every
but mostly I traveled with the gang of artists. You
know what nights we used to have me the castle,
uh Van Gogain Michaelangelo. Yeah, I used to say to
(13:58):
the castle, I say, up, why don't you quit drawing
for a while, Come on out and have some fun.
Speaker 3 (14:07):
You know. Then I'd get down to the left back
and cash your check.
Speaker 5 (14:14):
Uh.
Speaker 4 (14:15):
Stay by the way, he speaking of having fun and
going dancing, I'm like getting two tickets for the Gendarmes ball.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
Michelle. Perhaps you'd like to escort me. Well, I don't
know if that's now. Come on, Mike, h.
Speaker 4 (14:32):
Leave us not these strangers after roller with two fellow parishioners.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
What do you say when you go with me?
Speaker 4 (14:43):
But I'm gonna have to pay.
Speaker 3 (14:44):
I don't know if it can be by Mesia. Oh, well,
bake one, take it over. I think I kissed the
craig off coming there.
Speaker 4 (14:56):
Yeah. Hey, wait a minute, I wonder whether she meant
yes or no? Woman woman, the eternal triangle.
Speaker 3 (15:05):
Well where Craig go Uh, tis like Creig Ti? Is
it not?
Speaker 5 (15:22):
Tis?
Speaker 2 (15:23):
Indeed?
Speaker 5 (15:23):
Sir?
Speaker 3 (15:24):
And you me tiz Achi, my.
Speaker 4 (15:26):
Host, And may I say, sir that we are singlely
honored by your humble visitation today's lordly diggings.
Speaker 6 (15:34):
Well, sir, the richness of your welcome is exceeded only
by the poverty of your addiction.
Speaker 3 (15:41):
Thank you.
Speaker 4 (15:44):
By the way, it seems to me you speak with
a slight English probe Tis well, Archibald.
Speaker 6 (15:51):
I was born in America, but I was educated in England.
Speaker 3 (15:53):
England, Uh, England, Hold on for your board across the
town England, jolly old London. Oh you've been to London?
Have I been? Eat? Good dads man? Have I been
(16:19):
to London? Good old pickle dilling? And where did you
stay in England?
Speaker 4 (16:25):
Where I I'm in a mina flat, but right outside
of London?
Speaker 3 (16:29):
Where Essex?
Speaker 5 (16:33):
What part of Essex?
Speaker 3 (16:35):
Wessex?
Speaker 6 (16:37):
Wessex is not part of Essex? Maybe it was Sussex
or make up your mind, gosh, which was it Essex,
Wessex or Sussex?
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Liverpool? Liverpool?
Speaker 6 (16:51):
Perhaps you stayed in Bobbitics Sinatra on the croon you know.
Speaker 4 (16:57):
It's possible. By the way, Land, it's a quite a nun.
I haven't the King of Dahara. Man here, What do
you think of this place?
Speaker 6 (17:05):
Well, I feel like I'm on a bus man's holiday.
You know this this place has great possibilities. Those creaky doors,
those cobwebs, that skull and crossbones over in the corner.
Speaker 3 (17:18):
Mister Kreig, there's no way to talk about miss Duffy.
Speaker 5 (17:24):
Archie. Did you call me?
Speaker 3 (17:25):
Oh, mister Craig, go, this is miss Duffy, the daughter
of the establishment. Oh, mister Creeka, this is so exciting.
Speaker 6 (17:34):
That's that's a very interesting study in dormant paranoia.
Speaker 7 (17:40):
Likewise, I'm sure, mister Creegor, I had to tell you something,
but very sort of seeing you when a.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
Picture frightens me.
Speaker 6 (17:50):
Likewise, I'm sure.
Speaker 4 (17:56):
You know those pictures of you as are so scary,
you know the are you murder or those girls?
Speaker 6 (18:01):
Oh no, no, murder is an inelegant word, Miss Stuffy.
Let us say that I launched them into eternity.
Speaker 4 (18:09):
Quite a few launchings too. This guy is the Henry
Kaiser at the truck cutterage. Look, my Stuffy, if I
was you want to blow on a here before I
got me heads of it.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
Plan.
Speaker 4 (18:26):
Look, you muster, guys, is turning out to be hot
men with the dames these days. You know, today the
mars seemed to be getting more gentlemanly, you know, much
much more coofs than formally.
Speaker 6 (18:39):
Yes, yes, Archie, the day of the uncouth monster is
gone now. I was having a meeting the other day
with some of the boys.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
Yes, Bella Lucosi, p. T.
Speaker 5 (18:48):
Laurie of Bori Karlov.
Speaker 3 (18:51):
Where did you hold this meeting under a damp rock?
Look out?
Speaker 5 (18:58):
Leave us? Please be serious.
Speaker 6 (19:01):
You do very well following our approach with the girls,
you know, the smoothie monster.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (19:05):
Well, look you see, I got this French name, and
I've been kind of using the Charles Buoying method. But
maybe i'd do better switch into Boris Karloff.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
Huh why not? You know from where you're starting, it's
a much shorter trip.
Speaker 4 (19:21):
Well, look, would have been much trouble for you to
advise me, you know sort of monster me up? Look, Lord,
I mean lad, Yes, Archie, Well, please explain to me
once again.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
Now, now what is it I do?
Speaker 5 (19:40):
Archie?
Speaker 6 (19:41):
You must appeal to the self conscious fascination that every
woman has for the weird and esoteric. You must play
the part of a schizophrenic whose uncontrollable neuroses lead to
a murder compulsion.
Speaker 3 (19:59):
Just make a date with a dame. Yes, Ochie, Oh
look lad, explain it to me once again.
Speaker 6 (20:08):
I Lookchi, you know what a schizophrenic is.
Speaker 3 (20:11):
We don't.
Speaker 6 (20:14):
Well, you know what a murder compulsion is, well, of course,
but just be.
Speaker 3 (20:19):
Uh, just to be on the safe side, explain it
to me. Huh, you know, clear and simple, just like
as if I was a jac.
Speaker 6 (20:29):
Well, ch A schizophrenic is a man with a split personality,
you know, good and evil, a man who is a
victim of a dualism within his libido.
Speaker 3 (20:41):
Poly bistunk if he wasn't.
Speaker 6 (20:45):
Well and and the murder compulsion is well, it's a
murder compulsion.
Speaker 3 (20:51):
I bet you tell that all the girls. Pardon of
what he says.
Speaker 4 (20:57):
Well, anyways, stick around, I'll try your system out. Oh Michelle, Yes,
come here, Michelle, come over here, Come here, my, that's
a lovely white throat. You got to come here, Michelle.
Don't be afraid.
Speaker 3 (21:18):
What's matter is something wrong with your stomach? No, I'm
having me murder convulsions. Oh see, there's something strange about you.
Speaker 4 (21:28):
Well, you see, I'm split up into two personalities what
they call us campsophrenia, no sort of a doctor jacky
and mister sheen me bared me is always fighting me
good met and tonight me bad me has got possession.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
Something terrible might happen. Yes, what, I might go sit
in the park and feed the pigeons. What's so terrible
about sitting pigeons? You don't understand. I feed them to me.
(22:07):
You see, I'm a home missing e ross. It's in
me blood, you know me.
Speaker 4 (22:15):
Grandfather was a vampire. Every week he went out on
the back.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
Head.
Speaker 6 (22:24):
Look at me, archie, what do you mean by frightening
this poor helpless little girl?
Speaker 3 (22:32):
What what do I mean? You told me to do it?
Speaker 6 (22:35):
You must be mad, my good man, Look, young lady.
Are you busy tonight?
Speaker 3 (22:40):
No?
Speaker 6 (22:41):
Well, let's get out of here.
Speaker 3 (22:42):
This man is a maniac.
Speaker 6 (22:43):
He's a schizophrenic. Where we go to the Policeman's ball
A bobby over here just sold me two tickets where.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
It sounds like fun. Let's go that dirty double crossing.
Speaker 4 (22:54):
He splitsed me personality, He turns me into Skizophremiac and
he walks out with me.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
Dame Plancy, give me two tickets. I'll go with each other.
(23:37):
Before we leave, Duffies leave us.
Speaker 6 (23:40):
Put a couple of nickels in duffies jukebox.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
The plat is spinning, the needle comes down.
Speaker 6 (23:46):
It's music.
Speaker 8 (24:48):
To from a factory.
Speaker 9 (26:22):
At any paper.
Speaker 8 (27:26):
People time on.
Speaker 4 (29:02):
This rebroadcast is a presentation of the Armed Forces Radio Service.
Speaker 1 (30:09):
Please send your questions and comments to host at classiccomedyotr
dot com. Until next time. In the words of Leo Tolstoy,
we can know only that we know nothing, and that
is the highest degree of human wisdom.
Welcome to classic comedy of old time radio. I'm your
host Ron Ecklebarger. Archie tries to get some dating advice
from Laird Krieger so he can get a date with
Michelle Morgan. Leave us listen to this one hundred and
seventeenth episode of Duffy's Tavern, entitled Guests Laard Krieger and
(00:36):
Michelle Morgan. It originally aired on February fifteenth, nineteen forty four.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Square a special rebroadcast for the American Armed Forces and
Their Lives. You're invited to drop in where the elite
meete week Duffy's Tavern.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
Hello, Duffy's Wether you late make day, don't you? The
man just making Duffy ain't hair?
Speaker 4 (01:23):
Hello Duffy Tonight led Craig Guy, the horror guy from
the movies, Why, sort of a king's sized Peter Lari. Yeah,
he's in that picture the Lodgie. You know, a guy
that walks around with a knife in his hand all
the time. Yeah, slash happy. Oh, but he's very polite
(01:44):
about it.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
You know.
Speaker 4 (01:44):
He walks up to a beautiful dame, removes his hat
and bows, then he removes her hat.
Speaker 3 (01:51):
Head. No, a fat guy. Oh well, Duffy, he's reduced
quite a bit.
Speaker 4 (01:59):
Well, you know, you can take and streamline a locomotive,
but when you get through, it's still a locomotive.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
Yeah, okay, I'll call you back later. Du Danny.
Speaker 4 (02:50):
What kind of a great and you think I ought
to give that Craig got tonight? What what do you
think I ought to say to the guy?
Speaker 3 (02:56):
Well, you could say good evening? What American native the
good five cent Craig are?
Speaker 4 (03:06):
That is very coarse humor. Now, this guy's a big actor,
you know, and I like to make them important Hollywood
guys and eat them. Guys gonna an appreciation of life,
you know, a zest for gusts, a love for living, you.
Speaker 3 (03:21):
Know, and a hatred for tipping.
Speaker 5 (03:25):
Paddy.
Speaker 4 (03:25):
You're always thinking about money. Don't be so mercerized. Besides,
a guy like this great guy, I might give you
a you know, a job in one of his movies.
Speaker 3 (03:35):
But what good is the job in the picture with
that guy? Just when the utist is getting used to you,
you're liquidated. I don't like them horror pictures. Oh I
don't know. I like horror picture.
Speaker 4 (03:47):
I like this stock RealiTISM, you know, I seen one
of the other day when his mad scientists performs this
appened app dectomy deconomy. Uh uh on, it's not happened
economic yeah on a on an ape's head, you see,
and he puts the ape's brain into a guy's body.
(04:09):
Imagine that eddie ape's brain and a human guy's body. Hi, Bennigan,
did you hear about that Lad Kraig coming down here tonight?
Speaker 6 (04:24):
Oh?
Speaker 7 (04:24):
Yeah, I see all of his pictures. Dude, boy, did
they scare me?
Speaker 5 (04:29):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (04:30):
I chew me now?
Speaker 7 (04:31):
I wake up screaming at night? Did I break out
in a cold sweat?
Speaker 3 (04:35):
Well, then why do you go to see them? Alight?
Speaker 5 (04:38):
I gotta get some pleasure out of life.
Speaker 4 (04:44):
Did you see his last picture, the Lodgic, Oh yeah,
I turned very interesting.
Speaker 7 (04:49):
Oh gosh, the particularly the fog, what a fog?
Speaker 4 (04:54):
It was so ticket that hordly see the pictures, I
asked one a hound in movie. Guys, make that fun go.
I know how the met it the night I was
how the guy next to me was smoking a cigar.
But I would say, by and large the picture was
(05:16):
well wiped.
Speaker 5 (05:17):
The price of admission. I did not at all regret
sneaking in.
Speaker 3 (05:25):
An again.
Speaker 4 (05:26):
You mean to tell me that you sneaked into such
a big movies d.
Speaker 5 (05:30):
I got a very clever system. Much did you see?
Speaker 7 (05:33):
I walk up to the guy in the box office
and I say, do you pardon me?
Speaker 5 (05:36):
I left my umbrella inshide?
Speaker 3 (05:38):
Could?
Speaker 5 (05:38):
I don't get it? They you follow me so far?
Speaker 3 (05:42):
Well I'm not a yes, yes, you'll make it fight
up too, Spinnagan.
Speaker 4 (05:46):
Go ahead, thanks, Well anyway, I go in shide, I
get my umbrella and I see the picture just the second?
Speaker 3 (05:54):
How did your umbrella get in there?
Speaker 5 (05:56):
So I left it there yesterday?
Speaker 3 (05:59):
Well, how did you get in there yesterday?
Speaker 5 (06:01):
Die bough the ticket?
Speaker 3 (06:03):
Well, then why didn't you see the picture yesterday?
Speaker 5 (06:06):
That's the clever podage.
Speaker 7 (06:08):
I buy a ticket, lave the umbrella, walk out, and
the next day I see the pretty for nothing?
Speaker 4 (06:18):
You know something funny and you don't look as dumb
as you want? What do you hell asking me if
I love as a clancy? I ain't seen hide and
the seke of you for months. Well, I've been assigned
to special duty. Archie juvenile delinquency.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
Oh guys not paying them bills?
Speaker 4 (06:37):
Huh?
Speaker 6 (06:39):
No, archy juvenile delinquency is what happens when little children
stop acting.
Speaker 4 (06:44):
Like their fathers. But uh, don't let me interrupt the conversation. Oh,
no conversation. We were just talking, but about horror pictures, all.
Speaker 3 (06:57):
Damn stupid things for them store.
Speaker 4 (07:00):
But cops, what do you mean, Clancy, Or they have
them Irish cops for the brogs.
Speaker 6 (07:04):
Thought you can hardly understand them.
Speaker 3 (07:07):
Yeah, I hear what you mean, Clancy, and I think
you're right.
Speaker 6 (07:12):
Right by the way, Aie, I just happened to have
here some tickets to the policeman's bar.
Speaker 3 (07:18):
Oh, you just happen to have them?
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Huh?
Speaker 5 (07:21):
How many will you be wanting, don't she?
Speaker 3 (07:24):
Clancy?
Speaker 4 (07:24):
As you look around the place here, do you see
any violations of their firelows or anything?
Speaker 6 (07:30):
No, Ichie as far as I can see, or not
breaking any laws here.
Speaker 4 (07:35):
Well, Clancy, as far as I can see, I won't
be wanting any tickets. Try Eddie over there, Oh Eddio, yes, Eddie,
I understand.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
It was quite a card game.
Speaker 6 (07:47):
You had a short place Saturday nights. May I ask
if you were playing for money.
Speaker 4 (07:52):
I was gonna buy two tickets anyway, and are cheese
to get back to you?
Speaker 6 (08:02):
There is a violation in this place? What I just
finished eating the pigs? Snucklet did I pay your hearts?
Speaker 3 (08:08):
Did you play your getting plenty? Certainly not right? So
y'all gives you a bribing an officer?
Speaker 6 (08:16):
How many tickets do you watch?
Speaker 4 (08:17):
I'll take one ticket, only one ticket. Well, I ain't
got an this one. If I had a name, hold
it a minute, clancy, Hey, get a load of one.
Speaker 3 (08:30):
Just womped in.
Speaker 4 (08:32):
I wanna hunk a feminine punkret. Oh where did this
come from?
Speaker 5 (08:39):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Pardon me? Holed the partners? Oh mine? Uh? To whom
are you looking for? Anybody? In particular? I'm looking for Benevenuta.
Oh well she'll be hearing the nuns, won't you pray?
Be seated? Thank you? What a dish archie.
Speaker 5 (09:00):
That's just what I call him, beauty for good?
Speaker 3 (09:03):
Huh yeah yeah.
Speaker 4 (09:05):
If you didn't happen to go for that type, how
come your eyes that popping out of your head?
Speaker 3 (09:12):
Eddie?
Speaker 4 (09:12):
I happened to go for that type. Boy, I want
a dame Archie. You suddenly seem to have perked up
a lot.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
Yeah, Danny, it's like magic. One minute I'm feeling very low,
and the next minute me.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
Corpsuckles batting each other's brains out with a little luck,
I may have to buy another ticket to the Policeman's ball.
Speaker 3 (09:35):
Plancy come around.
Speaker 4 (09:36):
A little later, and no talks to you, oh archie,
Oh Benet, listen, who's that girl fundy you? Or is
that just come in there at Michelle Morgan, Michelle Morgan,
the French movie star. The Dame was in Joan of Paris,
and that RKO picture high and hire Benet? Would you
give me a knockdown?
Speaker 5 (09:54):
You?
Speaker 3 (09:54):
Would you introduce me? Well? I might right after my
next TG. Well, sing fast, then, Benet, sing fast.
Speaker 8 (10:05):
All.
Speaker 6 (10:07):
Lahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
The plain and the wave and sweet can should fell
sweep when the wind.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
Comes right behind the rain.
Speaker 7 (10:19):
Walk Lahoma, every night, my honey, lamb and nye.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
Dit alone and hawk and watch your hawk making lazy
circles in the sky.
Speaker 4 (10:32):
We know we belong to the land, and the land
we belong to his friend's right side, twinking and blinking,
ain't no finer rig.
Speaker 6 (10:45):
I'm a thinking you can keep your rig in.
Speaker 7 (10:48):
You're thinking that I care ooh, swap for that shiny
little sorry with.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
The fringe on the Oh.
Speaker 4 (11:03):
Oh, we know we belong to the land, and the
land we belong.
Speaker 8 (11:09):
To is brand.
Speaker 3 (11:12):
And when we say.
Speaker 7 (11:15):
Oh ye be i aay.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
Oh plahome, ma oh plahome, ma oh plaho ma no,
(11:45):
what do you say? How about it?
Speaker 4 (11:46):
Bennet, Oh Michelle, our chiesus is Michelle Morgan, Michelle, if
you need me, scream.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
Well, Ma'amsella. So you're toti swait from my charade? I
beg your pardon.
Speaker 4 (12:02):
What's the matter.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
Don't you talk French? Don't I talk French? Well, mademoiselle,
you are three riversante oh bokoo, monsieur massy messy?
Speaker 4 (12:13):
Does you just keep pitching him out to show him
right back? Of course, Michelle, you know my French might
sound a little rusty. I ain't been to Paris in
so many years now, a gapering.
Speaker 3 (12:34):
So you've been to Paris?
Speaker 7 (12:37):
Me?
Speaker 4 (12:38):
I she.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
The gay boat near the boulevards.
Speaker 4 (12:44):
Look, I've been to Paris as often as April, Yes, sir,
every night you could find me sitting one of them
sidewalk cafeterias, you know, sniffing an absent.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
Oh boy, want to rolla? I was good old Paris.
Speaker 4 (13:12):
I ain't been there in fifteen years but I've always
kept in touch, you know, postcards.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
But how I miss it? How I missing?
Speaker 6 (13:25):
Did you know?
Speaker 3 (13:26):
Did I a MoMA? Certainly?
Speaker 8 (13:29):
Did he say?
Speaker 3 (13:30):
Of course?
Speaker 4 (13:31):
Did you know? Four of the sweetest guys that every
but mostly I traveled with the gang of artists. You
know what nights we used to have me the castle,
uh Van Gogain Michaelangelo. Yeah, I used to say to
(13:58):
the castle, I say, up, why don't you quit drawing
for a while, Come on out and have some fun.
Speaker 3 (14:07):
You know. Then I'd get down to the left back
and cash your check.
Speaker 5 (14:14):
Uh.
Speaker 4 (14:15):
Stay by the way, he speaking of having fun and
going dancing, I'm like getting two tickets for the Gendarmes ball.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
Michelle. Perhaps you'd like to escort me. Well, I don't
know if that's now. Come on, Mike, h.
Speaker 4 (14:32):
Leave us not these strangers after roller with two fellow parishioners.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
What do you say when you go with me?
Speaker 4 (14:43):
But I'm gonna have to pay.
Speaker 3 (14:44):
I don't know if it can be by Mesia. Oh, well,
bake one, take it over. I think I kissed the
craig off coming there.
Speaker 4 (14:56):
Yeah. Hey, wait a minute, I wonder whether she meant
yes or no? Woman woman, the eternal triangle.
Speaker 3 (15:05):
Well where Craig go Uh, tis like Creig Ti? Is
it not?
Speaker 5 (15:22):
Tis?
Speaker 2 (15:23):
Indeed?
Speaker 5 (15:23):
Sir?
Speaker 3 (15:24):
And you me tiz Achi, my.
Speaker 4 (15:26):
Host, And may I say, sir that we are singlely
honored by your humble visitation today's lordly diggings.
Speaker 6 (15:34):
Well, sir, the richness of your welcome is exceeded only
by the poverty of your addiction.
Speaker 3 (15:41):
Thank you.
Speaker 4 (15:44):
By the way, it seems to me you speak with
a slight English probe Tis well, Archibald.
Speaker 6 (15:51):
I was born in America, but I was educated in England.
Speaker 3 (15:53):
England, Uh, England, Hold on for your board across the
town England, jolly old London. Oh you've been to London?
Have I been? Eat? Good dads man? Have I been
(16:19):
to London? Good old pickle dilling? And where did you
stay in England?
Speaker 4 (16:25):
Where I I'm in a mina flat, but right outside
of London?
Speaker 3 (16:29):
Where Essex?
Speaker 5 (16:33):
What part of Essex?
Speaker 3 (16:35):
Wessex?
Speaker 6 (16:37):
Wessex is not part of Essex? Maybe it was Sussex
or make up your mind, gosh, which was it Essex,
Wessex or Sussex?
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Liverpool? Liverpool?
Speaker 6 (16:51):
Perhaps you stayed in Bobbitics Sinatra on the croon you know.
Speaker 4 (16:57):
It's possible. By the way, Land, it's a quite a nun.
I haven't the King of Dahara. Man here, What do
you think of this place?
Speaker 6 (17:05):
Well, I feel like I'm on a bus man's holiday.
You know this this place has great possibilities. Those creaky doors,
those cobwebs, that skull and crossbones over in the corner.
Speaker 3 (17:18):
Mister Kreig, there's no way to talk about miss Duffy.
Speaker 5 (17:24):
Archie. Did you call me?
Speaker 3 (17:25):
Oh, mister Craig, go, this is miss Duffy, the daughter
of the establishment. Oh, mister Creeka, this is so exciting.
Speaker 6 (17:34):
That's that's a very interesting study in dormant paranoia.
Speaker 7 (17:40):
Likewise, I'm sure, mister Creegor, I had to tell you something,
but very sort of seeing you when a.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
Picture frightens me.
Speaker 6 (17:50):
Likewise, I'm sure.
Speaker 4 (17:56):
You know those pictures of you as are so scary,
you know the are you murder or those girls?
Speaker 6 (18:01):
Oh no, no, murder is an inelegant word, Miss Stuffy.
Let us say that I launched them into eternity.
Speaker 4 (18:09):
Quite a few launchings too. This guy is the Henry
Kaiser at the truck cutterage. Look, my Stuffy, if I
was you want to blow on a here before I
got me heads of it.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
Plan.
Speaker 4 (18:26):
Look, you muster, guys, is turning out to be hot
men with the dames these days. You know, today the
mars seemed to be getting more gentlemanly, you know, much
much more coofs than formally.
Speaker 6 (18:39):
Yes, yes, Archie, the day of the uncouth monster is
gone now. I was having a meeting the other day
with some of the boys.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
Yes, Bella Lucosi, p. T.
Speaker 5 (18:48):
Laurie of Bori Karlov.
Speaker 3 (18:51):
Where did you hold this meeting under a damp rock?
Look out?
Speaker 5 (18:58):
Leave us? Please be serious.
Speaker 6 (19:01):
You do very well following our approach with the girls,
you know, the smoothie monster.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (19:05):
Well, look you see, I got this French name, and
I've been kind of using the Charles Buoying method. But
maybe i'd do better switch into Boris Karloff.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
Huh why not? You know from where you're starting, it's
a much shorter trip.
Speaker 4 (19:21):
Well, look, would have been much trouble for you to
advise me, you know sort of monster me up? Look, Lord,
I mean lad, Yes, Archie, Well, please explain to me
once again.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
Now, now what is it I do?
Speaker 5 (19:40):
Archie?
Speaker 6 (19:41):
You must appeal to the self conscious fascination that every
woman has for the weird and esoteric. You must play
the part of a schizophrenic whose uncontrollable neuroses lead to
a murder compulsion.
Speaker 3 (19:59):
Just make a date with a dame. Yes, Ochie, Oh
look lad, explain it to me once again.
Speaker 6 (20:08):
I Lookchi, you know what a schizophrenic is.
Speaker 3 (20:11):
We don't.
Speaker 6 (20:14):
Well, you know what a murder compulsion is, well, of course,
but just be.
Speaker 3 (20:19):
Uh, just to be on the safe side, explain it
to me. Huh, you know, clear and simple, just like
as if I was a jac.
Speaker 6 (20:29):
Well, ch A schizophrenic is a man with a split personality,
you know, good and evil, a man who is a
victim of a dualism within his libido.
Speaker 3 (20:41):
Poly bistunk if he wasn't.
Speaker 6 (20:45):
Well and and the murder compulsion is well, it's a
murder compulsion.
Speaker 3 (20:51):
I bet you tell that all the girls. Pardon of
what he says.
Speaker 4 (20:57):
Well, anyways, stick around, I'll try your system out. Oh Michelle, Yes,
come here, Michelle, come over here, Come here, my, that's
a lovely white throat. You got to come here, Michelle.
Don't be afraid.
Speaker 3 (21:18):
What's matter is something wrong with your stomach? No, I'm
having me murder convulsions. Oh see, there's something strange about you.
Speaker 4 (21:28):
Well, you see, I'm split up into two personalities what
they call us campsophrenia, no sort of a doctor jacky
and mister sheen me bared me is always fighting me
good met and tonight me bad me has got possession.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
Something terrible might happen. Yes, what, I might go sit
in the park and feed the pigeons. What's so terrible
about sitting pigeons? You don't understand. I feed them to me.
(22:07):
You see, I'm a home missing e ross. It's in
me blood, you know me.
Speaker 4 (22:15):
Grandfather was a vampire. Every week he went out on
the back.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
Head.
Speaker 6 (22:24):
Look at me, archie, what do you mean by frightening
this poor helpless little girl?
Speaker 3 (22:32):
What what do I mean? You told me to do it?
Speaker 6 (22:35):
You must be mad, my good man, Look, young lady.
Are you busy tonight?
Speaker 3 (22:40):
No?
Speaker 6 (22:41):
Well, let's get out of here.
Speaker 3 (22:42):
This man is a maniac.
Speaker 6 (22:43):
He's a schizophrenic. Where we go to the Policeman's ball
A bobby over here just sold me two tickets where.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
It sounds like fun. Let's go that dirty double crossing.
Speaker 4 (22:54):
He splitsed me personality, He turns me into Skizophremiac and
he walks out with me.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
Dame Plancy, give me two tickets. I'll go with each other.
(23:37):
Before we leave, Duffies leave us.
Speaker 6 (23:40):
Put a couple of nickels in duffies jukebox.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
The plat is spinning, the needle comes down.
Speaker 6 (23:46):
It's music.
Speaker 8 (24:48):
To from a factory.
Speaker 9 (26:22):
At any paper.
Speaker 8 (27:26):
People time on.
Speaker 4 (29:02):
This rebroadcast is a presentation of the Armed Forces Radio Service.
Speaker 1 (30:09):
Please send your questions and comments to host at classiccomedyotr
dot com. Until next time. In the words of Leo Tolstoy,
we can know only that we know nothing, and that
is the highest degree of human wisdom.
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