November 20, 2025 • 30 mins
Jello again. Fred Allen guest stars on today’s show as Fred and Jack finally have it out, face to face!
Episode 249 of The Jack Benny Show. The program originally aired on on March 14, 1937.
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Episode 249 of The Jack Benny Show. The program originally aired on on March 14, 1937.
Please email questions and comments to host@classiccomedyotr.com.
Like us on Facebook at facebook.com/classiccomedyotr. Please share this podcast with your friends and family.
You can also subscribe to our podcast on Spreaker.com, Spotify, iTunes, Stitcher, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, and Google podcasts.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Welcome to classic comedy of Old time Radio. I'm your
host Ron Ecklbarger. Jelo Again. Fred Allen guest stars on
today's show as Fred and Jack Benny finally have it
out face to face. This episode, entitled Jack Benny Versus
Fred Allen, is the two hundred and forty ninth Jack
Benny Show and it originally aired on March fourteen, nineteen
(00:41):
thirty seven.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
The Jello Program Coming to you from the Grand ball
Room of the Hotel Pier, starring Jack Benny with Mary
Livingston at Abe Lyman and his orchestra. The Orchestra bins
a program with you from the Great Ziegfel. They save
(01:16):
the time is money, and if you want to save
both time and money, serve Jello for dessert. Jello is
easy to make, easy to take, a good looking, good tasting,
and expensive dessert that you can make in just a jiffie.
Your whole family will go for Jello's refreshing, true fruit taste.
And remember the genuine Jello brings you that extra rich
fruit flavor flavor that comes from fresh ripe fruit. So
(01:39):
brighten up your dinner table some night soon. Serve a
great gleaming dish of colorful jello. It looks so attractive,
it tastes so good, and costs so little. Ask your
grocer for jello tomorrow, but be sure you get the
real thing, except no substitutes. Insist on the one and
only genuine jello. And now, thanks and gentlemen, we bring
(02:20):
you a fellow who is a big man in Hollywood,
a giant in Waukegan, but just another actor in New York.
Jack Benny. Yeah, hello again, there's a Jack Benny coming
to you from the grand ballroom of the Hotel Pierre.
And listen, don I'm not such a small guy in
(02:41):
New York either. Well, then, Jack, how come they won't
even let you broadcast from the NBC studios. First you're
at the Waldorf Astoria, now the Pierre. Well, it's because
NBC is crowded, That's why. How are you going to
stay in New York anyway? Until we run out of hotel,
I've been hanging around so many ballrooms I feel like
a shandely. Of course, there's a certain amount of class
(03:03):
and prestige broadcasting from a place like this. Come in,
mister Benny, yes, and behead for the management of the
Hotel Pierre. I bid you welcome and trust that the
broadcasting facilities here are setisfectly? They certainly are. Now, if
there's anything I can do for you, don't hesitate to
call apartment well, thank you. Is there anything I can
do for you? Yes, don't mingle with the guests. That's
(03:30):
what I get for slumming on the avenue anyway, Don,
it's still a distinction to be able to do our
program from here. Not every entertainer would be granted that privilege,
particularly one that I know of. And who's that Jack? Well,
I don't want to mention any names, but I don't
see how Harry Vonzel can laugh at him every Wednesday night?
(03:50):
Oh Vonzell out announcer? Yeah, Jack, what the product of
their cell anywhere? Nothing you can put slice bananas? Or
by the way, Jack, did you hear Allan call you
a bully last Wednesday? Benny the bully, Benny the bully.
Alan's better than being a scaredy cat. Alan is a
(04:11):
scaredy cat. A scaredy cat. Oh do you know? Oh, Don,
he's an awful baby. Imagine a grown man taking ether
when he gets a manicure. Anyway, I don't want Allen's
name mentioned anymore on this program from now on, if
you have to refer to him, just call him Boo.
That's good enough for me, Boo Allen. That's a silly day. Now,
(04:33):
let's it's the correct.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
Hi you don Jack?
Speaker 4 (04:38):
All right?
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Where have you been?
Speaker 3 (04:40):
I was out with Brew and Partmand Hawker.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
Oh you worry? Well? I just think you select your
company a little more carefully or a Portmand's all right,
but I watch out for booze, you.
Speaker 3 (04:50):
Know, Jack. He asked me if you really played.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
The brew on your violins the bee, and don't overdo
it anyway. Let's change the subject, all right. Jello is
not only economical, but it's easy to make, and remember
it taste twice as good as ever before. And now
let's change the subject again. Okay, Charley, Jack Whur's Kenny?
Oh Kenny. He had to go to Hollywood to finish
his picture. But he'll be back again next week, you know, Jack.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
I just got the cutest telegram from Kenny.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
Oh, then he must have arrived there. What does he say?
Speaker 3 (05:16):
And he says that, wait a minute, here is.
Speaker 5 (05:20):
Arrived home safely, weather, excellent trip pleasant?
Speaker 3 (05:23):
What's comfortable?
Speaker 2 (05:24):
Oh? He motored back.
Speaker 3 (05:28):
Scenery was beautiful.
Speaker 5 (05:29):
In Pennsylvania, especially when we passed through Boomtown. Boomtown he
means Allentown.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
Oh, I say, he musn't read my thoughts. Uh, go
on meety right now.
Speaker 5 (05:41):
I'm listening to the program and I certainly miss me.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
Oh, you would never know.
Speaker 5 (05:47):
Hollywood. It has changed a lot in two weeks. I
can't even find my house in the Paramount Studio has
changed his name to Anne heiser Busch.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
Anne heiser Busch. Where's that wire from Mary at Saint Louis?
I thought, so, what a door? Imagine getting off of
Saint Louis renon Mary ps ps and the telegram.
Speaker 5 (06:05):
I just found out that I'm in Saint Louis instead
of Hollywood. Boy, are they mixed up?
Speaker 2 (06:13):
That serves me right for letting him take that trip alone.
Say Jack, yeah, oh hollo ah, I am oh, I'm
all right. Can I talk to you? I'm in a
secure lineman. What is it? Listen, Jack? I heard some
pretty bad reports about me on last Sunday's programs. You
did why? I thought you were great? Didn't you done? Why?
Certainly you were swell? Abe. Oh I don't mean my music,
but my friends all seem to think that you made
(06:34):
me sound like a pretty tough guy. But Abe, he
we were only kidding. Well, I'm sensitive, oh, pe Jack,
I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a mugger, a
tough fig or anything. I'm considered a gentleman. Well, I'm
terribly sorry, Abe, really, well, don't do it again, or
I'll kick your teeth out. Oh you're will?
Speaker 3 (06:56):
Are you going to take that from him?
Speaker 5 (06:58):
Jack?
Speaker 2 (06:58):
Well, i'd fix thim. But I don't want to be
known as a.
Speaker 3 (07:00):
Bully, especially without teeth.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
And that's gratitude for you, say, don Why do I
always have trouble with orchestra leaders? What have I done
to deserve those constant threats of violence? Am I a
magnet that attracts the mentality in microbes? A football to
be kicked around from Killar to goldfo Why must I
be internally ducking behind a microphone? I don't know why.
(07:26):
While I'm thinking of an answer, the orchestra will play.
I got with play Lineman. I wish Freddie Bartholome you
had an arch dr I'd tell him something at.
Speaker 4 (09:52):
All?
Speaker 2 (09:52):
I said, Yeah, when I got Little Girl Crazy played
by Alman and his musical muscle man. I don't know
how can your musicians be so tough and play so sweetly?
I feed them raw meat and cream puff? Oh that anyhow,
I don't want to argue about anything. I'm too tired.
(10:13):
I was up all night doing some last minute work
on my income tax.
Speaker 5 (10:17):
Income tax, Yeah, why down? I saw you at the
Start club last night.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
With a blonde Well, she was helping me.
Speaker 3 (10:24):
The way she ate to put her down as a dependence.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Mary, blondes aren't deductible, you.
Speaker 5 (10:30):
Know, Jack, I'm not all live in California where.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
There's no income tax.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
Why Mary, The federal attack applied to California the same
as any other state.
Speaker 3 (10:38):
That's funny. I never paid one, it didn't.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
Well, didn't you get any letters from the government.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
Yeah? See, I thought it was fan mail. I sent
him a picture.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
Well, you better file a tax report right away or
you'll be doing a guest appearance on the Leavenworth Hour.
That's pretty good, wasn't it. You better get after it though,
Mary really is.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
And you came.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
All fans n Alah, how are you well? I feel
I can rillion dollars and I'm back.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
I don't have to pay tax.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
Well, slap, I really didn't expect you tonight. Jack's a
film that I heard, Kenny Becausen coming up here. I
came up top of my services to give you how
no distance? Oh really, are you a singer?
Speaker 3 (11:28):
That's me being trumperman.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
The Yellow bank. You know, well you're a singer. Well
that's news to me. Who's the band? Did you sing with?
Go and bother Boy? Not that nothing? The rhythm? Wow?
Oh the lombard say listen, I listened to a lamb
a lot of times. I never heard your voice. Oh
the day playing around? Well, g tell me what kind
(11:52):
of songs do you sing? And most pre sentimental? Uh?
Home on the wrench shoes and souther and there's a
nose swimming pool in the parlor. Swimming pool that's spinning
where you go?
Speaker 4 (12:05):
Oh bad jag.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
But the matter for that ramon or you know how
temperamental musicians are, especially band leaders. Layman our band leader,
I brush you should have on the end of the team.
Lat you said a fifetown slupperman. Let fucking look at him.
(12:27):
He wakes two weeks, no money, he's a form him.
Don't worry about him. Well, Flat Metal was very nice
for you to offer your services. But I've already asked
Mary to sing a number.
Speaker 3 (12:37):
Oh I don't want to change the night.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
Oh come on Mary, I'll tell you what. If you
will sing a chorus, I will too. You're not offended?
Are you slept?
Speaker 4 (12:44):
I specially nice?
Speaker 2 (12:45):
I'm sorry you made the trip for nothing? Who made it? Pin?
Speaker 4 (12:48):
Nothing?
Speaker 2 (12:48):
I sold nine two from the lobby.
Speaker 3 (12:51):
I'm fine.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
Runs past five, Hold around black, Mary's going to thing?
Come on, Mary, would you both like to hear? Okay
you do? If you'll both like to hear marry things
like everything about marry? Are you? I don't have to
go to wan her marry hen a name? The dying
(13:49):
of things?
Speaker 3 (13:51):
Baby?
Speaker 6 (13:52):
That all you go dog won't keep it at all?
I like to live your wings.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
Baby.
Speaker 6 (14:01):
You're frying to hi girlpall you lady do say me?
Speaker 7 (14:08):
I'm almo.
Speaker 6 (14:10):
You'll drive me crazy how much you take you you
let's do the God things baby, but oh your to
dog go up to it.
Speaker 4 (14:21):
All God, that's the host like that I married.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
That was well, really swell, and you weren't nervous or anything.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
Now and now your turn out all right?
Speaker 2 (14:39):
Now? Sing my chorus and I dedicated to Don Wilson.
Come on, boys, you say the darnedest thing, Wilson. But
oh you're so dog on cute with it all, Hi, shatcha,
you're always out to sell yello. And when ner spring,
(15:01):
our summer, our fall goodness, you always say strawberry, you
always say rad you always say cherry, orange, lemon and lime.
You'll nearly drive me nothing will some but all you
so don't gonna cute with it all? What's that? More?
Speaker 4 (15:24):
What is that? What is that? Hey?
Speaker 2 (15:28):
What's going on in here?
Speaker 4 (15:36):
Last time?
Speaker 3 (15:40):
And I heard that?
Speaker 2 (15:42):
I heard that the servants outside. Now, whoever's manipulating that
fog on in here has got to cut it out?
Speaker 4 (15:49):
Where were loud?
Speaker 2 (15:51):
Well? Well as I live and regret at lock that
you live in your door if it isn't bou alli
alis and allan, what's the idea of breaking in here
in the middle of my singing singing? Yeah, all listen, Betty,
I didn't mind it when you scraped that overnight bag
(16:12):
two weeks ago and call that playing the d But
when you stand here tonight and set that whooping carp
to music and call that singing, you're going too far.
Oh you didn't like it? Huh like it? Why you
make Andy divine sound like Lawrence tibbet. I look here, Alan,
(16:36):
I don't care what you say about my singing or
my violin playing on your own program or when you
come up here. Be careful. After all, I've got listeners.
Keep your family out of it. A lesson my family.
My family liked my singing and my violin playing too.
(16:56):
Your violin. Yeah, you're using the loosely, mister. Why why
if I was a horse, if I was a pony
even and found out found out if my tail found
(17:21):
out that any part of my tail was being used
in your violin bow, I'd hang my head and my
oat bag from then on. Well, you listen to me
your Wednesday night hawk. Another crack like that, and town
Hall be looking for a new janitor. Why why are
you fugitive from a Ripley cartoon? I ort to bend
(17:49):
your nose around until if you want to smell anything,
you'll have to curb me. You lay a hand on me,
you lay a hand on me. Anything we'll say accidentally
will be better than the script. Who lay a hand
(18:16):
on me, Benny, and you'll be hollering Strawberry raspberry cherry, orange,
lemon and health. Oh, this is a lot of smile
of beauty. Keep this up, Alan, and I'll ask Don
Wilson a pall on you and a Wilson Paul's on you.
You know what that means?
Speaker 3 (18:32):
Oh, boy, press Ham.
Speaker 4 (18:36):
Had a girl Mary.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
That's a honey quiet coward, coward, jazz coward. And she
doesn't mean that English entertaina. Noell. I now, Alan, I'm
up here attending to my own business. There's no place
to settle our private affairs. How did you get in
here without a pet? I made one at the door
man and your neck? Oh I am an gentlemen, gentlemen,
(18:58):
don't fight you? Please?
Speaker 3 (18:59):
Why don't you go over to the medicis crag?
Speaker 2 (19:00):
Got you keep out of this hue, little squat? Or
from now on your wife will be having both ends
of the herring. Well, goodbye, Dick, you bro there, Oh Schlepperman,
I wish you'd.
Speaker 4 (19:19):
Follow him out.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Listen, cowboy, why didn't you stay out in Hollywood where
you don't be long? You're gonna lie heard you were
coming out there to make a picture. That's why you
ought to do Betty Well, mister Allen, Now that Border's
car off is in England. Well, I saw y'all last
picture lion ol'd penny. Until you made a picture, nobody
knew what a lull looked like. On sell your lawyer,
(19:42):
And maybe you didn't start bank night, but you've certainly
kept it going. Yeah. Well, three states are waiting for
your picture to be released. They're gonna use it instead
of capital punishment.
Speaker 4 (19:55):
Wow, the law that's telling him?
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Jack? Who's that? Paul Bear?
Speaker 3 (20:05):
Stick him?
Speaker 2 (20:06):
Linemen, look what you're gonna make a picture? Fred Allen
the Great? I suppose Gable and Taylor losing a lot
of sleep right now? Now fair listening to this broadcast?
Would he retorts, where are you gonna live in Hollywood?
Mister Allen? At the Ostrich farm? May? What are you
(20:27):
laugh at that? Mary?
Speaker 5 (20:27):
He'll show those birds hat of legs, Marry, that was marvelous.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
I'm gonna kiss you for that.
Speaker 3 (20:34):
Then I take it back, Oh you do?
Speaker 2 (20:37):
Yeah, she'd rather kiss an Ostrich, and so would I. Well,
Alan want this going a little too far. I didn't
mind a little mud flinging now on then, But when
you make those kind of remarks, it means fight where
I come from. You mean your blood would boil if
you had any, and I got just enough to resent
that is rolling. I'll come from the west ad boiling
(20:59):
two pisanima, and you'll step out in the whole wind.
I'm ready to settle this little affair. Man command you're yes, sir.
This will be the last number of the last program
on any Jellow Share.
Speaker 5 (21:21):
Next week, the Yellow Program starring Mary Livingston.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
Come on, Alam, you want to go through with this.
I didn't come up here to get your autogram. I'll
listen to all him. I'll give you this one more
chance to apology, apologize why. I'll knock you flatter than
the first eight minutes of this program.
Speaker 5 (21:38):
Hold on, Marre Alan, who touches a hair on Jack's
grayhead has to find it first?
Speaker 2 (21:43):
Who said that?
Speaker 3 (21:43):
Barbara Livingston?
Speaker 2 (21:44):
Never mind, No, come on, I don't have us away
play Lima. Sorry now, I told my rowing machief.
Speaker 6 (22:12):
The s understand to understand.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
In it. That was Hallelujah from Hitsdac played by the
(23:22):
orchestra with a blinman at the baton and Benny and
Allen at each other's throats out in the hallway.
Speaker 5 (23:27):
And the winner will tell his version on his own
program next Wednesday night.
Speaker 2 (23:31):
Oh no, I don't know about that. Jack can certainly
take care of himself. It's alan he has to worry
about he.
Speaker 5 (23:36):
I hope nothing happened either one of them, especially Jack Uller.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
Both pretty husky, although Jack did look just a little
bit worried.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
Oh Jack doesn't care whether he wins or not. He's
got a do bill on a hospital. Here they come down.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
God, honey, those were the days where they are. We
are right by Jackie. Remember that time in Toledo when
you walked into the magician's dressing room and stole his pigeons?
Do I say they tasted pretty good? Did they? Fred
The bones eye got did certainly?
Speaker 4 (24:08):
Did Y say?
Speaker 2 (24:10):
Freddy? You remember the guy in the show with us
who used to take in washing on the side, You know,
the guy that did our laundry. Say what's Ben Bernie doing? Now?
He's got a band, you know Ben Bernie? And all
of a sudden, we just say much money in those days, Freddy.
But we did get a lot of laughs. We certainly
did until we walked on the stage.
Speaker 3 (24:33):
Yes, what happened to the fight?
Speaker 2 (24:35):
What fight? Say, Freddie? Remember that Simon thus bend Indiana
when we were going with forty. Hey, I'm not kidding, fella.
What happened to that fight? Why? Don we were never
serious about that?
Speaker 3 (24:44):
How did you get that black eye?
Speaker 4 (24:46):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (24:46):
This well, I was writing a letter. Yes, I accidentally
dotted his eye. Marey. I wait a minute, Freddy, I
clapped you more than you did me. Look at your wrists,
it's all read. Well. I made you say uncle unquote
when I pulled your hair. Uncle isn't the word unquote?
But let it go, said Freda. Here's the package you
dropping your way off to the hall. Oh yes, that's
(25:08):
a box of candy I was going to give Jack. Oh, Freddy, candy?
Speaker 3 (25:11):
Can I have tea?
Speaker 4 (25:12):
Sure?
Speaker 2 (25:12):
But take the square ones, Mary, The round ones have
got cement in there, I say. And by the way,
fred when you get home with that box of flowers
I sent you, was still kicking. Just put it in
the water. I will, I will.
Speaker 3 (25:24):
And thanks for the tip, Jack a candy swell hat pea.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
Jack say, this is a good chocolate, wonderful flavor. What's
the film with Freddy? I pana? Oh well, I wasn't
gonna brush my teeth anyway. I might as well eat well. Jack.
I've got to go now. I've got a lot of
work to do on my own program. Okay, Fred, Well,
thanks for your kind visit and apology. Why the apology, Well,
(25:49):
let's not stop that again. Before you go, Fred, I
want to tell you that I didn't mind one thing
you said about me during our few You didn't, why not, Jack, Well,
I'll attend you. You said the darned thing, Freddy, But
you were so dog on cute with it all, you said.
(26:15):
I mean, it's saying you're wacky riding hunt but your
dupra ball. I owe you some words. You said I
was bloodless, you said I was tight? You intelor my
fiddling root rooting too hot to talk? We said the
(26:35):
darned thing. Well but all we were so dog on
cute with that all, and now.
Speaker 7 (26:42):
We're oh, oh, Brad, I didn't know you could sing
that good.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Thanks Jack. Well, I've got to leave you now. And oh,
by the way, mister Limon Express, now listen, tuppy, you
you lay off of my pal Jack Benny. That's a hint. Goodbye, everybody, goodbye.
Oh well, well play Liman and watch your step. You
(27:19):
heard what Alan said? Why a little sort of punk
O takes you and red rat and ready ready sa
(27:57):
Ybridg's Day is only three days away, so you better
be to get together your shamrocks and Irish colors. And
here's a jello dessert that has the touch of color
in keeping with the occasion, called Emerald Fruit Cup. You
make it this way, just as of one package of
lime jello in one pint of hot water and then
pour into a shallow fan, chill until firm, and then
(28:18):
cut the jello into cubes. Arrange the cubes of lime
jello and sherby glasses alternating with grapefruit sections. Serve plain
or for a distinctive touch, four over each portion, three
or four tablespoons full of ginger ale refreshing lime jello
with juicy grapefruits. It's a grand combination to start a
dinner with and equally delicious as dessert. Serve Emerald Fruit
(28:40):
Cup for your Saint Patrick's Day dinner, but be sure
you make it with genuine lime jello or lime jello.
Like all of Jello six delicious flavors, has that extra
rich fruit taste. Ask for jello by a name and
look for the big red letters on the box. They
sell Jello. This is the last number of the twenty
(29:12):
four program in the New Jello series. And we'll be
with you again next Sunday Night, broadcasting from New York City.
And Mary, I want to tell you your song was swell.
Speaker 3 (29:20):
So say, Jack, are you really glad that you made
up with set Allen?
Speaker 2 (29:23):
Certainly I am. Why now I won't have to listen
to his program to hear what he's saying about good Nightfall? Okay, Oh,
(29:44):
here's the first one on broad and Lady listeners, Bad
Yellow Fold in Canada is made in Canada. So that's
some final monts for from Swing Time. Listen by his
own term. This is a national broadcasting company.
Speaker 1 (30:09):
Now that was some classic comedy. Please send your questions
and comments to host at classiccomedyotr dot com. Until next time.
In the words of Kevin Kelly, whenever you have a
choice between being right or being kind, be kind, no exceptions,
Welcome to classic comedy of Old time Radio. I'm your
host Ron Ecklbarger. Jelo Again. Fred Allen guest stars on
today's show as Fred and Jack Benny finally have it
out face to face. This episode, entitled Jack Benny Versus
Fred Allen, is the two hundred and forty ninth Jack
Benny Show and it originally aired on March fourteen, nineteen
(00:41):
thirty seven.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
The Jello Program Coming to you from the Grand ball
Room of the Hotel Pier, starring Jack Benny with Mary
Livingston at Abe Lyman and his orchestra. The Orchestra bins
a program with you from the Great Ziegfel. They save
(01:16):
the time is money, and if you want to save
both time and money, serve Jello for dessert. Jello is
easy to make, easy to take, a good looking, good tasting,
and expensive dessert that you can make in just a jiffie.
Your whole family will go for Jello's refreshing, true fruit taste.
And remember the genuine Jello brings you that extra rich
fruit flavor flavor that comes from fresh ripe fruit. So
(01:39):
brighten up your dinner table some night soon. Serve a
great gleaming dish of colorful jello. It looks so attractive,
it tastes so good, and costs so little. Ask your
grocer for jello tomorrow, but be sure you get the
real thing, except no substitutes. Insist on the one and
only genuine jello. And now, thanks and gentlemen, we bring
(02:20):
you a fellow who is a big man in Hollywood,
a giant in Waukegan, but just another actor in New York.
Jack Benny. Yeah, hello again, there's a Jack Benny coming
to you from the grand ballroom of the Hotel Pierre.
And listen, don I'm not such a small guy in
(02:41):
New York either. Well, then, Jack, how come they won't
even let you broadcast from the NBC studios. First you're
at the Waldorf Astoria, now the Pierre. Well, it's because
NBC is crowded, That's why. How are you going to
stay in New York anyway? Until we run out of hotel,
I've been hanging around so many ballrooms I feel like
a shandely. Of course, there's a certain amount of class
(03:03):
and prestige broadcasting from a place like this. Come in,
mister Benny, yes, and behead for the management of the
Hotel Pierre. I bid you welcome and trust that the
broadcasting facilities here are setisfectly? They certainly are. Now, if
there's anything I can do for you, don't hesitate to
call apartment well, thank you. Is there anything I can
do for you? Yes, don't mingle with the guests. That's
(03:30):
what I get for slumming on the avenue anyway, Don,
it's still a distinction to be able to do our
program from here. Not every entertainer would be granted that privilege,
particularly one that I know of. And who's that Jack? Well,
I don't want to mention any names, but I don't
see how Harry Vonzel can laugh at him every Wednesday night?
(03:50):
Oh Vonzell out announcer? Yeah, Jack, what the product of
their cell anywhere? Nothing you can put slice bananas? Or
by the way, Jack, did you hear Allan call you
a bully last Wednesday? Benny the bully, Benny the bully.
Alan's better than being a scaredy cat. Alan is a
(04:11):
scaredy cat. A scaredy cat. Oh do you know? Oh, Don,
he's an awful baby. Imagine a grown man taking ether
when he gets a manicure. Anyway, I don't want Allen's
name mentioned anymore on this program from now on, if
you have to refer to him, just call him Boo.
That's good enough for me, Boo Allen. That's a silly day. Now,
(04:33):
let's it's the correct.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
Hi you don Jack?
Speaker 4 (04:38):
All right?
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Where have you been?
Speaker 3 (04:40):
I was out with Brew and Partmand Hawker.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
Oh you worry? Well? I just think you select your
company a little more carefully or a Portmand's all right,
but I watch out for booze, you.
Speaker 3 (04:50):
Know, Jack. He asked me if you really played.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
The brew on your violins the bee, and don't overdo
it anyway. Let's change the subject, all right. Jello is
not only economical, but it's easy to make, and remember
it taste twice as good as ever before. And now
let's change the subject again. Okay, Charley, Jack Whur's Kenny?
Oh Kenny. He had to go to Hollywood to finish
his picture. But he'll be back again next week, you know, Jack.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
I just got the cutest telegram from Kenny.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
Oh, then he must have arrived there. What does he say?
Speaker 3 (05:16):
And he says that, wait a minute, here is.
Speaker 5 (05:20):
Arrived home safely, weather, excellent trip pleasant?
Speaker 3 (05:23):
What's comfortable?
Speaker 2 (05:24):
Oh? He motored back.
Speaker 3 (05:28):
Scenery was beautiful.
Speaker 5 (05:29):
In Pennsylvania, especially when we passed through Boomtown. Boomtown he
means Allentown.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
Oh, I say, he musn't read my thoughts. Uh, go
on meety right now.
Speaker 5 (05:41):
I'm listening to the program and I certainly miss me.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
Oh, you would never know.
Speaker 5 (05:47):
Hollywood. It has changed a lot in two weeks. I
can't even find my house in the Paramount Studio has
changed his name to Anne heiser Busch.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
Anne heiser Busch. Where's that wire from Mary at Saint Louis?
I thought, so, what a door? Imagine getting off of
Saint Louis renon Mary ps ps and the telegram.
Speaker 5 (06:05):
I just found out that I'm in Saint Louis instead
of Hollywood. Boy, are they mixed up?
Speaker 2 (06:13):
That serves me right for letting him take that trip alone.
Say Jack, yeah, oh hollo ah, I am oh, I'm
all right. Can I talk to you? I'm in a
secure lineman. What is it? Listen, Jack? I heard some
pretty bad reports about me on last Sunday's programs. You
did why? I thought you were great? Didn't you done? Why?
Certainly you were swell? Abe. Oh I don't mean my music,
but my friends all seem to think that you made
(06:34):
me sound like a pretty tough guy. But Abe, he
we were only kidding. Well, I'm sensitive, oh, pe Jack,
I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a mugger, a
tough fig or anything. I'm considered a gentleman. Well, I'm
terribly sorry, Abe, really, well, don't do it again, or
I'll kick your teeth out. Oh you're will?
Speaker 3 (06:56):
Are you going to take that from him?
Speaker 5 (06:58):
Jack?
Speaker 2 (06:58):
Well, i'd fix thim. But I don't want to be
known as a.
Speaker 3 (07:00):
Bully, especially without teeth.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
And that's gratitude for you, say, don Why do I
always have trouble with orchestra leaders? What have I done
to deserve those constant threats of violence? Am I a
magnet that attracts the mentality in microbes? A football to
be kicked around from Killar to goldfo Why must I
be internally ducking behind a microphone? I don't know why.
(07:26):
While I'm thinking of an answer, the orchestra will play.
I got with play Lineman. I wish Freddie Bartholome you
had an arch dr I'd tell him something at.
Speaker 4 (09:52):
All?
Speaker 2 (09:52):
I said, Yeah, when I got Little Girl Crazy played
by Alman and his musical muscle man. I don't know
how can your musicians be so tough and play so sweetly?
I feed them raw meat and cream puff? Oh that anyhow,
I don't want to argue about anything. I'm too tired.
(10:13):
I was up all night doing some last minute work
on my income tax.
Speaker 5 (10:17):
Income tax, Yeah, why down? I saw you at the
Start club last night.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
With a blonde Well, she was helping me.
Speaker 3 (10:24):
The way she ate to put her down as a dependence.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Mary, blondes aren't deductible, you.
Speaker 5 (10:30):
Know, Jack, I'm not all live in California where.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
There's no income tax.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
Why Mary, The federal attack applied to California the same
as any other state.
Speaker 3 (10:38):
That's funny. I never paid one, it didn't.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
Well, didn't you get any letters from the government.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
Yeah? See, I thought it was fan mail. I sent
him a picture.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
Well, you better file a tax report right away or
you'll be doing a guest appearance on the Leavenworth Hour.
That's pretty good, wasn't it. You better get after it though,
Mary really is.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
And you came.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
All fans n Alah, how are you well? I feel
I can rillion dollars and I'm back.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
I don't have to pay tax.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
Well, slap, I really didn't expect you tonight. Jack's a
film that I heard, Kenny Becausen coming up here. I
came up top of my services to give you how
no distance? Oh really, are you a singer?
Speaker 3 (11:28):
That's me being trumperman.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
The Yellow bank. You know, well you're a singer. Well
that's news to me. Who's the band? Did you sing with?
Go and bother Boy? Not that nothing? The rhythm? Wow?
Oh the lombard say listen, I listened to a lamb
a lot of times. I never heard your voice. Oh
the day playing around? Well, g tell me what kind
(11:52):
of songs do you sing? And most pre sentimental? Uh?
Home on the wrench shoes and souther and there's a
nose swimming pool in the parlor. Swimming pool that's spinning
where you go?
Speaker 4 (12:05):
Oh bad jag.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
But the matter for that ramon or you know how
temperamental musicians are, especially band leaders. Layman our band leader,
I brush you should have on the end of the team.
Lat you said a fifetown slupperman. Let fucking look at him.
(12:27):
He wakes two weeks, no money, he's a form him.
Don't worry about him. Well, Flat Metal was very nice
for you to offer your services. But I've already asked
Mary to sing a number.
Speaker 3 (12:37):
Oh I don't want to change the night.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
Oh come on Mary, I'll tell you what. If you
will sing a chorus, I will too. You're not offended?
Are you slept?
Speaker 4 (12:44):
I specially nice?
Speaker 2 (12:45):
I'm sorry you made the trip for nothing? Who made it? Pin?
Speaker 4 (12:48):
Nothing?
Speaker 2 (12:48):
I sold nine two from the lobby.
Speaker 3 (12:51):
I'm fine.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
Runs past five, Hold around black, Mary's going to thing?
Come on, Mary, would you both like to hear? Okay
you do? If you'll both like to hear marry things
like everything about marry? Are you? I don't have to
go to wan her marry hen a name? The dying
(13:49):
of things?
Speaker 3 (13:51):
Baby?
Speaker 6 (13:52):
That all you go dog won't keep it at all?
I like to live your wings.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
Baby.
Speaker 6 (14:01):
You're frying to hi girlpall you lady do say me?
Speaker 7 (14:08):
I'm almo.
Speaker 6 (14:10):
You'll drive me crazy how much you take you you
let's do the God things baby, but oh your to
dog go up to it.
Speaker 4 (14:21):
All God, that's the host like that I married.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
That was well, really swell, and you weren't nervous or anything.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
Now and now your turn out all right?
Speaker 2 (14:39):
Now? Sing my chorus and I dedicated to Don Wilson.
Come on, boys, you say the darnedest thing, Wilson. But
oh you're so dog on cute with it all, Hi, shatcha,
you're always out to sell yello. And when ner spring,
(15:01):
our summer, our fall goodness, you always say strawberry, you
always say rad you always say cherry, orange, lemon and lime.
You'll nearly drive me nothing will some but all you
so don't gonna cute with it all? What's that? More?
Speaker 4 (15:24):
What is that? What is that? Hey?
Speaker 2 (15:28):
What's going on in here?
Speaker 4 (15:36):
Last time?
Speaker 3 (15:40):
And I heard that?
Speaker 2 (15:42):
I heard that the servants outside. Now, whoever's manipulating that
fog on in here has got to cut it out?
Speaker 4 (15:49):
Where were loud?
Speaker 2 (15:51):
Well? Well as I live and regret at lock that
you live in your door if it isn't bou alli
alis and allan, what's the idea of breaking in here
in the middle of my singing singing? Yeah, all listen, Betty,
I didn't mind it when you scraped that overnight bag
(16:12):
two weeks ago and call that playing the d But
when you stand here tonight and set that whooping carp
to music and call that singing, you're going too far.
Oh you didn't like it? Huh like it? Why you
make Andy divine sound like Lawrence tibbet. I look here, Alan,
(16:36):
I don't care what you say about my singing or
my violin playing on your own program or when you
come up here. Be careful. After all, I've got listeners.
Keep your family out of it. A lesson my family.
My family liked my singing and my violin playing too.
(16:56):
Your violin. Yeah, you're using the loosely, mister. Why why
if I was a horse, if I was a pony
even and found out found out if my tail found
(17:21):
out that any part of my tail was being used
in your violin bow, I'd hang my head and my
oat bag from then on. Well, you listen to me
your Wednesday night hawk. Another crack like that, and town
Hall be looking for a new janitor. Why why are
you fugitive from a Ripley cartoon? I ort to bend
(17:49):
your nose around until if you want to smell anything,
you'll have to curb me. You lay a hand on me,
you lay a hand on me. Anything we'll say accidentally
will be better than the script. Who lay a hand
(18:16):
on me, Benny, and you'll be hollering Strawberry raspberry cherry, orange,
lemon and health. Oh, this is a lot of smile
of beauty. Keep this up, Alan, and I'll ask Don
Wilson a pall on you and a Wilson Paul's on you.
You know what that means?
Speaker 3 (18:32):
Oh, boy, press Ham.
Speaker 4 (18:36):
Had a girl Mary.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
That's a honey quiet coward, coward, jazz coward. And she
doesn't mean that English entertaina. Noell. I now, Alan, I'm
up here attending to my own business. There's no place
to settle our private affairs. How did you get in
here without a pet? I made one at the door
man and your neck? Oh I am an gentlemen, gentlemen,
(18:58):
don't fight you? Please?
Speaker 3 (18:59):
Why don't you go over to the medicis crag?
Speaker 2 (19:00):
Got you keep out of this hue, little squat? Or
from now on your wife will be having both ends
of the herring. Well, goodbye, Dick, you bro there, Oh Schlepperman,
I wish you'd.
Speaker 4 (19:19):
Follow him out.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Listen, cowboy, why didn't you stay out in Hollywood where
you don't be long? You're gonna lie heard you were
coming out there to make a picture. That's why you
ought to do Betty Well, mister Allen, Now that Border's
car off is in England. Well, I saw y'all last
picture lion ol'd penny. Until you made a picture, nobody
knew what a lull looked like. On sell your lawyer,
(19:42):
And maybe you didn't start bank night, but you've certainly
kept it going. Yeah. Well, three states are waiting for
your picture to be released. They're gonna use it instead
of capital punishment.
Speaker 4 (19:55):
Wow, the law that's telling him?
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Jack? Who's that? Paul Bear?
Speaker 3 (20:05):
Stick him?
Speaker 2 (20:06):
Linemen, look what you're gonna make a picture? Fred Allen
the Great? I suppose Gable and Taylor losing a lot
of sleep right now? Now fair listening to this broadcast?
Would he retorts, where are you gonna live in Hollywood?
Mister Allen? At the Ostrich farm? May? What are you
(20:27):
laugh at that? Mary?
Speaker 5 (20:27):
He'll show those birds hat of legs, Marry, that was marvelous.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
I'm gonna kiss you for that.
Speaker 3 (20:34):
Then I take it back, Oh you do?
Speaker 2 (20:37):
Yeah, she'd rather kiss an Ostrich, and so would I. Well,
Alan want this going a little too far. I didn't
mind a little mud flinging now on then, But when
you make those kind of remarks, it means fight where
I come from. You mean your blood would boil if
you had any, and I got just enough to resent
that is rolling. I'll come from the west ad boiling
(20:59):
two pisanima, and you'll step out in the whole wind.
I'm ready to settle this little affair. Man command you're yes, sir.
This will be the last number of the last program
on any Jellow Share.
Speaker 5 (21:21):
Next week, the Yellow Program starring Mary Livingston.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
Come on, Alam, you want to go through with this.
I didn't come up here to get your autogram. I'll
listen to all him. I'll give you this one more
chance to apology, apologize why. I'll knock you flatter than
the first eight minutes of this program.
Speaker 5 (21:38):
Hold on, Marre Alan, who touches a hair on Jack's
grayhead has to find it first?
Speaker 2 (21:43):
Who said that?
Speaker 3 (21:43):
Barbara Livingston?
Speaker 2 (21:44):
Never mind, No, come on, I don't have us away
play Lima. Sorry now, I told my rowing machief.
Speaker 6 (22:12):
The s understand to understand.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
In it. That was Hallelujah from Hitsdac played by the
(23:22):
orchestra with a blinman at the baton and Benny and
Allen at each other's throats out in the hallway.
Speaker 5 (23:27):
And the winner will tell his version on his own
program next Wednesday night.
Speaker 2 (23:31):
Oh no, I don't know about that. Jack can certainly
take care of himself. It's alan he has to worry
about he.
Speaker 5 (23:36):
I hope nothing happened either one of them, especially Jack Uller.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
Both pretty husky, although Jack did look just a little
bit worried.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
Oh Jack doesn't care whether he wins or not. He's
got a do bill on a hospital. Here they come down.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
God, honey, those were the days where they are. We
are right by Jackie. Remember that time in Toledo when
you walked into the magician's dressing room and stole his pigeons?
Do I say they tasted pretty good? Did they? Fred
The bones eye got did certainly?
Speaker 4 (24:08):
Did Y say?
Speaker 2 (24:10):
Freddy? You remember the guy in the show with us
who used to take in washing on the side, You know,
the guy that did our laundry. Say what's Ben Bernie doing? Now?
He's got a band, you know Ben Bernie? And all
of a sudden, we just say much money in those days, Freddy.
But we did get a lot of laughs. We certainly
did until we walked on the stage.
Speaker 3 (24:33):
Yes, what happened to the fight?
Speaker 2 (24:35):
What fight? Say, Freddie? Remember that Simon thus bend Indiana
when we were going with forty. Hey, I'm not kidding, fella.
What happened to that fight? Why? Don we were never
serious about that?
Speaker 3 (24:44):
How did you get that black eye?
Speaker 4 (24:46):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (24:46):
This well, I was writing a letter. Yes, I accidentally
dotted his eye. Marey. I wait a minute, Freddy, I
clapped you more than you did me. Look at your wrists,
it's all read. Well. I made you say uncle unquote
when I pulled your hair. Uncle isn't the word unquote?
But let it go, said Freda. Here's the package you
dropping your way off to the hall. Oh yes, that's
(25:08):
a box of candy I was going to give Jack. Oh, Freddy, candy?
Speaker 3 (25:11):
Can I have tea?
Speaker 4 (25:12):
Sure?
Speaker 2 (25:12):
But take the square ones, Mary, The round ones have
got cement in there, I say. And by the way,
fred when you get home with that box of flowers
I sent you, was still kicking. Just put it in
the water. I will, I will.
Speaker 3 (25:24):
And thanks for the tip, Jack a candy swell hat pea.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
Jack say, this is a good chocolate, wonderful flavor. What's
the film with Freddy? I pana? Oh well, I wasn't
gonna brush my teeth anyway. I might as well eat well. Jack.
I've got to go now. I've got a lot of
work to do on my own program. Okay, Fred, Well,
thanks for your kind visit and apology. Why the apology, Well,
(25:49):
let's not stop that again. Before you go, Fred, I
want to tell you that I didn't mind one thing
you said about me during our few You didn't, why not, Jack, Well,
I'll attend you. You said the darned thing, Freddy, But
you were so dog on cute with it all, you said.
(26:15):
I mean, it's saying you're wacky riding hunt but your
dupra ball. I owe you some words. You said I
was bloodless, you said I was tight? You intelor my
fiddling root rooting too hot to talk? We said the
(26:35):
darned thing. Well but all we were so dog on
cute with that all, and now.
Speaker 7 (26:42):
We're oh, oh, Brad, I didn't know you could sing
that good.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Thanks Jack. Well, I've got to leave you now. And oh,
by the way, mister Limon Express, now listen, tuppy, you
you lay off of my pal Jack Benny. That's a hint. Goodbye, everybody, goodbye.
Oh well, well play Liman and watch your step. You
(27:19):
heard what Alan said? Why a little sort of punk
O takes you and red rat and ready ready sa
(27:57):
Ybridg's Day is only three days away, so you better
be to get together your shamrocks and Irish colors. And
here's a jello dessert that has the touch of color
in keeping with the occasion, called Emerald Fruit Cup. You
make it this way, just as of one package of
lime jello in one pint of hot water and then
pour into a shallow fan, chill until firm, and then
(28:18):
cut the jello into cubes. Arrange the cubes of lime
jello and sherby glasses alternating with grapefruit sections. Serve plain
or for a distinctive touch, four over each portion, three
or four tablespoons full of ginger ale refreshing lime jello
with juicy grapefruits. It's a grand combination to start a
dinner with and equally delicious as dessert. Serve Emerald Fruit
(28:40):
Cup for your Saint Patrick's Day dinner, but be sure
you make it with genuine lime jello or lime jello.
Like all of Jello six delicious flavors, has that extra
rich fruit taste. Ask for jello by a name and
look for the big red letters on the box. They
sell Jello. This is the last number of the twenty
(29:12):
four program in the New Jello series. And we'll be
with you again next Sunday Night, broadcasting from New York City.
And Mary, I want to tell you your song was swell.
Speaker 3 (29:20):
So say, Jack, are you really glad that you made
up with set Allen?
Speaker 2 (29:23):
Certainly I am. Why now I won't have to listen
to his program to hear what he's saying about good Nightfall? Okay, Oh,
(29:44):
here's the first one on broad and Lady listeners, Bad
Yellow Fold in Canada is made in Canada. So that's
some final monts for from Swing Time. Listen by his
own term. This is a national broadcasting company.
Speaker 1 (30:09):
Now that was some classic comedy. Please send your questions
and comments to host at classiccomedyotr dot com. Until next time.
In the words of Kevin Kelly, whenever you have a
choice between being right or being kind, be kind, no exceptions,
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