125. The Shame/Fear Dynamic In Couples

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January 5, 2021 • 50 mins

There are many moments in a couple’s life that shame and fear show up shrouded in subtlety. While men predominantly feel shame and inadequacy, women tend to go through fear and anxiety. Because of this experiential difference between men and women, it becomes a challenge for couples to understand and navigate the dynamics of shame and fear in relationships. As such, Juan Santos - the owner of Santos Counseling and author of Couple’s Workbook: Making Your Relationship Work - recommends that couples seek self-discovery and strive to cultivate an environment of safety where they both can open up to vulnerability in their relationship.

Today, Juan and I illustrate how shame and fear interact and feed off of each other. We discuss the underlying factors of the shame/fear dynamic and describe how societal expectations exacerbate men’s experience with shame in adulthood. We explain how childhood upbringing influences the way people navigate moments of shame in their lives. We also underscore the power of compassionate touch in soothing and calming moments of vulnerability between couples and highlight the role of compassion and kindness in the self-exploration of shame and fear.

“We have to do work on ourselves to be able to feel comfortable with witnessing shame, so we know how to make space for others” - Juan Santos

This week on Relationships! Let’s Talk About It:

Feeling shameful about feeling shame
Growing up in a culture of shame and men’s experience with shame and vulnerability
Compassion and empathy as antidotes to fear
Natural reactions to men’s expressions of shame and vulnerability
Soothing vulnerability through intentional and compassionate touch
Sexual shame and social expectations of sexual performance
Being ashamed of not understanding the emotional world
Providing for togetherness and understanding women’s experience with fear
Decreasing resentment through compassion and connection
The subtle ways couples shame each other
Understanding and creating “soft start-ups” to conversations
The power of visualization in cultivating the kind of people we want to be in relationships
Why we need self-compassion when we explore and work on our shame
Making space for others to share their shame and vulnerabilities

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Connect with Juan Santos:

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