June 24, 2023 • 22 mins
Ever been cut off mid-sentence and feel a whirlwind of emotions – frustration, anger, embarrassment? Why do we take interruptions so personally, and how can we handle them with grace?
I'm your host, Sarah Mikutel, and in this episode, I dive into effective communication and mindset strategies that will help you be seen and heard. By the end, you'll be equipped to handle interruptions confidently, communicate effectively, and enjoy life with less anxiety.
Does the phrase “public speaking” make you feel a little sick…even if it’s just a team meeting or a group conversation?
I made something to help you.
Calm Your Nerves in 90 Seconds is a free anxiety-reduction toolkit with a guided meditation and journal to help you communicate with confidence.
Use it anytime your brain goes into overdrive and you need a reset.
https://sarahmikutel.com/reset
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode is for all my fellow introverts.
I recorded it for myinfluential introvert podcast.
You will hear how stoicism canmake you a more calm, confident
communicator, especially whenyou get interrupted.
And for all my extroverts,hopefully this episode will help
you understand the introvertsyou love a little bit better,
enjoy.
(00:21):
How many times has this scenarioplayed out in your life?
You were having a conversationwith somebody and just as you're
about to make your brilliantpoint, somebody else bursts into
the room and starts speakingover you as if you're invisible.
Depending on who this is, youmight say Hey, can't you see I'm
talking here.
Oh sorry, go on.
No, just forget it.
No, go on, let's hear it.
(00:42):
No, now you'll never get tohear it.
And then you run out of thedining room with vowing to never
speak to them again.
This conversation is morelikely to happen with family
than with a client or your bossor anything business related.
But no matter what the scenariois, there is irritation there
that how dare you feeling?
that reminds me of whenredheaded Anne of Green Gables
(01:03):
smashes the slate over GilbertBly the head because he called
her carrots.
Why do these interruptionsupset us so much?
There is hurt under that fury.
A thought of why don't you seeme?
In this episode I will sharehow to be less emotionally
reactive when you're interrupted, so you can speak from a place
of confidence that allows yourvoice to be heard.
(01:25):
Our interrupters rude.
Our gut reaction might alwaysbe yes, but here are some things
to consider.
Since I first learned about theenneagram and its nine
personality types, i felt verysecure in my type nine-ness.
We don't interrupt, we waitpatiently for our turn.
But I have a lot of type sevenqualities, including my eternal
(01:46):
optimism, my love of freedom andadventure.
So one day, out of curiosity, iopened a book called The Art of
Typing because I wanted tocompare type seven and nine.
What I found revealed somethingvery interesting and useful to
me.
So here is the passage on typeseven from the art of typing
quote sevens rarely feelinterrupted by others because
(02:06):
they actually enjoy it whensomebody else comes into,
interject a thought or build onan idea.
When the seven is speaking tosevens, this feels like engaged
listening and interaction, notan interruption.
That's called overlappingconversation.
When sevens listen, they jumpin the middle when somebody else
is talking because they areexcited.
Sevens feel most interruptedwhen another person negates an
(02:28):
idea that the seven has shared.
End quote.
Reading this was a recordscratch moment for me.
There are people who likeinterruptions, who think
interruptions improveconversations Mind blown.
Compare this to what the booksays for type nine, quote nines
do not like anyone coming in tosay something before the nine
(02:50):
has completely finished asentence, a thought, a concept
or a paragraph.
Not only do nines perceive thisas interrupting, they consider
it rude, disrespectful anddiminishing.
In addition, theseinterruptions often cause nines
to lose their train of thoughtand forget where they are in
terms of what they're trying tocommunicate.
Nines also listen withoutinterrupting until the other
(03:12):
person has finished and thenwill add their own comments.
End quote.
Well, that cleared things upfor me.
100% type nine.
More importantly, thisinformation reminded me to take
a step back, remove the tintedglasses and see that when
somebody interrupts me, itdoesn't mean they're trying to
disrespect me, which is what Iwas thinking.
Of course it's rude tointerrupt, it's disrespectful,
(03:35):
it's diminishing.
I believed Everything in thatType 9 description, but when I
can take a step back and put aspace in between that stimulus
and response, it becomes clearthat interruptions are rarely
acts of malice.
When we're interrupted, it canfeel as if our contributions are
being disregarded and thistriggers feelings of anger,
(03:57):
embarrassment, frustration,especially when we don't always
voice our opinions and ideas.
It feels like a very big dealwhen we finally build up the
courage to speak And then, whenwe get interrupted, we think
they don't value what I have tosay, or they think they're more
important than me, or I'm notgoing to speak up anymore
because, when I do, people talkright over me, but those are
(04:19):
thoughts and not facts.
As Epictetus says, it's notthings that upset us, but what
we make them mean.
Stoicism encourages us toexamine our thoughts and to
decide whether they are rationaland useful.
We can choose to ascent ourthoughts or not, and by
questioning our initial thoughtsand considering alternative
ones, we can break free from ournarrow view, our narrow,
(04:42):
initial, automatic view.
When we do this, possibilitiesopen up And this practice helps
us avoid treating our opinionsas facts, and it also allows us
to grow and experience the worldfrom a much broader perspective
.
It's a much more rewarding wayto live.
In a moment I will be walkingyou through a thought record
that you can do, so you don'tslam a slate over somebody's
(05:04):
head the next time theyinterrupt you, or don't spend
too much time ruminating overthat fantasy.
First let's talk more about whypeople interrupt.
We often take interruptionsvery personally.
However, the most commonreasons people interrupt have
nothing to do with us.
Sometimes people interruptbecause they have something they
want to contribute to theconversation and they are very
(05:25):
excited and they want to sharetheir extraverts especially,
feel energized by socialinteractions and have a natural
inclination to contribute toconversations, and their
enthusiasm sometimes and desireto engage can sometimes lead to
interruptions.
We also have different culturaland social norms.
In some cultures interruptingmight be seen as a sign of
(05:46):
participation And in others it'sseen as impolite.
There might be a lack of selfawareness going on or a lack of
other awareness.
Not everybody is listening topersonal development podcasts.
Some people just aren't thatself aware and they don't see
how disruptive theirinterruptions are, or they might
not be that attuned to otherpeople and the contributions
that they're making.
(06:07):
Some people have attentiondifficulties and they might find
it harder to wait their turn orfeel an impulsive need to make
their point right away.
Some people prefer to controlthe conversation.
They might be insecure, theymight have a domineering
personality or they might havethis tendency and not even
realize it.
They just might not be selfaware.
So a lot of these differentcategories can mix in with each
(06:28):
other.
And then differentcommunication styles and habits.
There are billions of people onthis planet and we all
communicate in a different way.
And to help us make sense ofeach other, there are certain
communication frameworks we canuse, or certain personality
frameworks that we can use thatI find very helpful.
Going back to the Enneagram,this personality framework says
that we tend to engage with theworld in three ways, called
(06:51):
stances.
There's the assertive oraggressive stance, the compliant
, also known as dependent stance, and the withdrawn stance.
People in the assertive stancethat's types three, seven and
eight.
They tend to be self confidentand direct.
They take charge and they focuson fulfilling their own desires
.
They are good at getting otherpeople to back their ideas,
(07:12):
whether it's by bringing themalong or dragging them along.
Challenges for them includeimpulsive action, difficulty
connecting with emotions,control issues.
People in the compliance stancethat's types one, two and six.
They tend to seek connectionand approval.
They focus on rules,relationships, duty, and they're
driven by a desire to establishand maintain these connections.
(07:35):
They're often helpful andresponsible, yet they struggle
with over identifying with otherpeople's needs and with setting
boundaries.
And sometimes they are the onescrossing the boundaries,
getting overly involved in otherpeople's business without being
asked.
And then we've got the withdrawnstance.
So people in the withdrawnstance, that's types four, five
and nine.
They tend to be reflective,more reserved, creative.
(07:57):
Of course I'm speaking ingeneralizations.
This is about getting anoverall flavor of different ways
people are in the world.
So withdrawn stance they tendto focus on their inner worlds
because they need time and spaceto process their thoughts and
feelings.
They can come up with amazingideas, but they need some time
to think about it.
They value introspection,independence, personal autonomy.
(08:18):
Challenges for them includefeeling misunderstood, anxiety
and conflict avoidance.
And again, you might relate todifferent aspects of all three,
but chances are you fall intoone of these three stances and
it's helpful to know where youare and helpful to know where
people in your life are.
And, as you can see, these arethree very different ways of
(08:39):
being in the world And this canlead to a lot of
misunderstanding and frustration.
We have people with assertivepersonalities who feel
comfortable expressing theiropinions and taking the lead in
conversations.
They may perceive those of uswho are more introverted as
being disinterested And weintrovert might view them as
being overly aggressive.
This is why we need to take offour tinted glasses and get
(09:03):
curious about where people arecoming from and what their
natural communication tendenciesare.
Remember we can't control howother people act, but we can
control how we respond.
I already mentioned that it'snot things that upset us but
what we make them mean.
Another core Stoic idea which Iwill keep bringing up because
it's so important to ourwell-being and our understanding
(09:25):
of the world Some things are upto us and other things are not.
Stoic philosophy advises thatwe focus our attention and our
efforts on what is within ourcontrol rather than fixating on
external circumstances,including other people's
opinions and things likeinterruptions.
We can make requests, we canset boundaries, but in the end,
(09:46):
what is up to us is our thoughts, our choices and our own
actions.
People interrupt.
It's a part of life.
Practice accepting that theseexternal events are natural.
They're not personal.
When you allow that reality andyou don't let anger consume you
, you can respond from a muchcalmer, more detached place.
(10:06):
You will be able to speak in amuch more influential way
because external disturbanceslike interruptions aren't
dictating your emotionalresponses.
Now you might always feel aninitial spark of irritation when
somebody walks into a room andstarts talking over you, but
it's what happens next thatcounts.
So let's say somebody doesinterrupt you.
(10:27):
Let's practice maintainingequanimity.
Take a deep breath, label yourfeeling.
It might be fury, you don'thave to fight it, just simply
allow it without reacting andstay mindful of the facts of the
situation.
Somebody walked in, startedtalking and be mindful of the
story that you are attaching.
What are some cognitivedistortions that might be coming
(10:50):
up?
Cognitive distortions aredistorted thoughts and this
includes overgeneralizations Ialways get interrupted and
personalizations they don'tvalue me.
Challenge these thought errorsby considering more balanced
thoughts and then respond to thesituation in a way that aligns
with your wisdom and your values.
(11:10):
You may have heard me talk aboutthought records in the past.
Thought records are greatexercises to help us recognize
our automatic thoughts, helps uschallenge these thoughts and to
explore how rational orirrational they might be and to
replace our automatic thoughtswith more useful ways of
thinking.
When you do a thought record,you're writing down the
(11:32):
situation or inciting incidentand this is pure fact, no story,
your automatic thought about it, you're feeling about this and
then the action that this leadsto.
You can do them in differentorder too.
Maybe you're having a feelingand then you want to go to the
thought, or maybe you dosomething and then you work
backwards.
What feeling or thought led tothis action?
(11:53):
Here is an example.
Let's talk about the incitingincident.
You're presenting your ideas ina meeting and, as you're
explaining a crucial point,somebody interrupts and starts
discussing a different topic, anautomatic thought that might
pop up.
This proves that he doesn'trespect me, or nobody listens to
me, or I hate this guy, orpeople are bored, or this
(12:14):
presentation is not that great.
This could lead to a feeling ofbeing embarrassed.
What behaviors come out of thatfeeling?
You might start rushing throughthe presentation to get it over
with.
Now you can challenge yourthought of this presentation
must not be good with analternative thought, like
sometimes people interrupt outof habit or excitement.
Not to undermine me, i have alot of great information to
(12:35):
share and I am going to get usback on track.
My expertise and value aren'tdefined by this one interruption
.
This is so and so just being soand so, this challenge is an
excellent opportunity for me topractice my communication skills
.
If you lean into those thoughts, you're more likely to be able
to acknowledge the interruptionand then bring the focus back to
(12:56):
your presentation withoutstressing out too much about it.
Throughout the day you can dothought records in the moment in
your mind and when you havemore time, sit down and work
them out on paper.
By doing thought records,you'll start to see that your
initial thoughts might not beentirely accurate or fair, and
this gives you space and time tochallenge and reframe automatic
(13:18):
thoughts and a lot of thesethoughts are recurring, and then
you can find more balancedthoughts that will help you
manage your emotions so you canrespond to interruptions in a
more constructive and confidentway.
All right, we've coveredmindset, which is essential to
effective communication.
Now let's talk about verbal andnonverbal techniques that we
(13:38):
can use to reduce our chances ofgetting interrupted and how to
get the conversation back ontrack when we do First up vocal
volume and energy.
Maintain a consistent level ofenergy when you're talking.
This lets people know that youhaven't finished.
Sometimes we lose steam and ourvolume decreases toward the end
of our sentence, or this mightjust be a habit, and this can
(14:00):
sound to others like we'refinished talking when we get
quieter towards the end of oursentences.
So practice maintaining yourvolume levels as you speak.
Also, make sure that yourstatements sound like statements
and not like questions to beanswered by someone else.
This is another habit thatpeople get into their sentences
sound like questions.
(14:21):
If you have a tendency to dothis, you can practice going
lower at the end of yourstatements rather than going
higher.
You can also practiceincreasing your volume and
adding vocal variety to yourspeech.
Vocal variety is volume, but italso includes other things like
the speed at which you'retalking, the emotion in your
(14:41):
voice.
This is all about capturingyour audience's attention with a
clear and steady voice.
This makes you sound moreconfident and more influential.
When I first started podcasting,i was surprised at how many
people I knew said to me wow,you have such a great podcasting
voice.
I never noticed your voicebefore.
I thought this was so curious.
(15:02):
Wow, you never noticed my voicebefore And I did used to think
is there something wrong with myvoice?
Why aren't people listening tome?
Why do I always get talked over?
I feel like nobody is hearingme.
The difference in podcasting isit's a very concentrated
environment.
You're choosing to listen to me.
(15:23):
I've got a captive audience,which is great.
But I also wish that I knewback then what I'm telling you
right now.
It's not that there wassomething wrong with my voice,
but I wasn't using it aseffectively as I could.
For one thing, i'm naturallysoft spoken, more soft spoken
than a lot of people.
This is part nature, but alsopart habit.
(15:44):
It's just how I've alwaysspoken.
But if I want people to hear meand I mean literally hear me I
need to speak up more.
I realized that in conversationswhen something I said might
have fallen flat or I wasgetting faces like people were a
little bit confused.
I used to think I guess theydidn't get what I said, or was
(16:05):
that a stupid thing to say.
I realized later they justdidn't hear what I said And
sometimes people will say whatdid you say?
Could you repeat that?
But a lot of times people don'tsay that People, especially if
you're in a group, people justkind of pretend to hear because
they don't want to be the onlyone who didn't hear.
And then you all sort of moveon.
Now, if I ever get those faces,i just repeat myself and I
(16:26):
speak louder and then you getthe sounds like oh okay, now
people actually heard what Ihave to say.
They did not hear me the firsttime.
That's fine.
Now I know.
Speak up.
This is really important.
And then match the confidencein your voice with confident
body language.
So expansive upright bodyposture, shoulders or back your
arms are not crossed.
(16:47):
Make eye contact with people.
Use purposeful gestures.
If you're in a meeting andsomebody chimes in before you're
finished speaking, make eyecontact with that person.
You can raise your handslightly to indicate that you
have more to say, or like hangon a minute and keep talking.
You could also say somethinglike I appreciate your input, i
(17:07):
would love to hear more after Ifinish my point.
If you're giving a presentation,you can outline your ideas
upfront to let people knowwhat's coming and cut out
unnecessary information.
To keep people engaged, what dothey need to know right now?
You might come off as ramblingif you're including every detail
in the exact order that ithappened.
Now I know us nines.
We think that we're providingclarity by giving all of this
(17:29):
background information, butoften people start to tune out.
You can start to see thoseblank stairs because there's
information overload.
So get to the point and givepeople space to ask questions
and to share their own thoughtsand stay open to new ideas
rather than considering themattacks on what you just said.
As a leader, you want respectfulcommunication to be the norm,
(17:52):
whether you are in the office,running your own online business
at home.
When you get agreement withothers on communication
expectations, you can foster anatmosphere where everyone feels
valued and heard.
So let's focus on settingground rules for open dialogue
in the office.
Create an environment whereemployees feel comfortable
expressing their opinionswithout fear of interruptions or
(18:14):
judgment, and this includeshaving discussions about things
like positive intent.
To assume positive intent whenpeople offer feedback, when
people share an idea.
To stay open to the idea thatthis person is trying to help or
trying to get more informationand that they're not necessarily
trying to criticize orchallenge in an unproductive way
(18:35):
.
Stay open and don't assume thenegative.
Set those expectations upfront.
If you're running meetings,something you could do is
establish a hand-raising systemrather than having a
free-for-all, and again discussthe importance of hearing
different perspectives andgiving everyone a chance to
speak, and also talk aboutdifferent communication styles
and the tendencies of your team,so you all have a better
(18:58):
understanding of where eachother is coming from.
Another thing you could do isassign a facilitator for each
meeting and this person couldmanage interruptions, redirect
the conversation back if neededand encourage everyone to
contribute, and this is a goodprofessional development
opportunity for the facilitatoras well.
If you have somebody in yourgroup who habitually interrupts,
(19:18):
you can take them outside tohave a conversation about why.
Maybe they are afraid thatthey'll forget their idea, so
you can suggest strategies likewriting their ideas down so they
don't forget them, and thenmake sure that they have the
opportunity to share these ideasAnd set the standard of active
listening.
In patients, active listeninginvolves being present and
(19:39):
taking in what somebody issaying, rather than simply
waiting for your turn to speakand giving this undivided
attention and then askingquestions and reflecting back
what you heard or adding to whatpeople said, making a
contribution.
This shows respect, it buildstrust and it makes you a more
influential communicator.
Practice this with your teamsand have open discussions on
(20:02):
what it means to listen actively.
This will lead to much moremeaningful conversations and
fewer interruptions.
To sum all of this up, when itcomes to interruptions, you need
to manage your mind.
It's not personal And if you'vedeveloped a pattern of thinking
that people speak over you ordon't listen to you.
Do some thought records to helpyou see your situation with more
(20:24):
clarity.
Also, speak up literally.
Increase your volume and vocalvariety.
Hold your body in an expansive,upright posture.
If somebody rushes into theroom and starts talking over you
, you can simply acknowledgethem, say hey there, glad to see
you.
You are just in time to hear mefinish my story.
Do you still feel an Ann ofGreen gables, a level of rage,
(20:48):
when somebody speaks over you?
Do you feel invisible?
Let's talk.
Go to sarahmigatelcom and booka consult And let's talk about
how you can start enjoying lifewith less anxiety and more
influence, more confidence andbetter communication skills.
I love working with people,one-on-one, and I love working
with teams as well.
So much of our suffering comesfrom miscommunication and
(21:10):
misunderstanding and only cantake off the tinted glasses and
start understanding thedifferent ways people move
through the world.
Our lives radically transformthe better, and I want that for
you.
This episode is for all my fellow introverts.
I recorded it for myinfluential introvert podcast.
You will hear how stoicism canmake you a more calm, confident
communicator, especially whenyou get interrupted.
And for all my extroverts,hopefully this episode will help
you understand the introvertsyou love a little bit better,
enjoy.
(00:21):
How many times has this scenarioplayed out in your life?
You were having a conversationwith somebody and just as you're
about to make your brilliantpoint, somebody else bursts into
the room and starts speakingover you as if you're invisible.
Depending on who this is, youmight say Hey, can't you see I'm
talking here.
Oh sorry, go on.
No, just forget it.
No, go on, let's hear it.
(00:42):
No, now you'll never get tohear it.
And then you run out of thedining room with vowing to never
speak to them again.
This conversation is morelikely to happen with family
than with a client or your bossor anything business related.
But no matter what the scenariois, there is irritation there
that how dare you feeling?
that reminds me of whenredheaded Anne of Green Gables
(01:03):
smashes the slate over GilbertBly the head because he called
her carrots.
Why do these interruptionsupset us so much?
There is hurt under that fury.
A thought of why don't you seeme?
In this episode I will sharehow to be less emotionally
reactive when you're interrupted, so you can speak from a place
of confidence that allows yourvoice to be heard.
(01:25):
Our interrupters rude.
Our gut reaction might alwaysbe yes, but here are some things
to consider.
Since I first learned about theenneagram and its nine
personality types, i felt verysecure in my type nine-ness.
We don't interrupt, we waitpatiently for our turn.
But I have a lot of type sevenqualities, including my eternal
(01:46):
optimism, my love of freedom andadventure.
So one day, out of curiosity, iopened a book called The Art of
Typing because I wanted tocompare type seven and nine.
What I found revealed somethingvery interesting and useful to
me.
So here is the passage on typeseven from the art of typing
quote sevens rarely feelinterrupted by others because
(02:06):
they actually enjoy it whensomebody else comes into,
interject a thought or build onan idea.
When the seven is speaking tosevens, this feels like engaged
listening and interaction, notan interruption.
That's called overlappingconversation.
When sevens listen, they jumpin the middle when somebody else
is talking because they areexcited.
Sevens feel most interruptedwhen another person negates an
(02:28):
idea that the seven has shared.
End quote.
Reading this was a recordscratch moment for me.
There are people who likeinterruptions, who think
interruptions improveconversations Mind blown.
Compare this to what the booksays for type nine, quote nines
do not like anyone coming in tosay something before the nine
(02:50):
has completely finished asentence, a thought, a concept
or a paragraph.
Not only do nines perceive thisas interrupting, they consider
it rude, disrespectful anddiminishing.
In addition, theseinterruptions often cause nines
to lose their train of thoughtand forget where they are in
terms of what they're trying tocommunicate.
Nines also listen withoutinterrupting until the other
(03:12):
person has finished and thenwill add their own comments.
End quote.
Well, that cleared things upfor me.
100% type nine.
More importantly, thisinformation reminded me to take
a step back, remove the tintedglasses and see that when
somebody interrupts me, itdoesn't mean they're trying to
disrespect me, which is what Iwas thinking.
Of course it's rude tointerrupt, it's disrespectful,
(03:35):
it's diminishing.
I believed Everything in thatType 9 description, but when I
can take a step back and put aspace in between that stimulus
and response, it becomes clearthat interruptions are rarely
acts of malice.
When we're interrupted, it canfeel as if our contributions are
being disregarded and thistriggers feelings of anger,
(03:57):
embarrassment, frustration,especially when we don't always
voice our opinions and ideas.
It feels like a very big dealwhen we finally build up the
courage to speak And then, whenwe get interrupted, we think
they don't value what I have tosay, or they think they're more
important than me, or I'm notgoing to speak up anymore
because, when I do, people talkright over me, but those are
(04:19):
thoughts and not facts.
As Epictetus says, it's notthings that upset us, but what
we make them mean.
Stoicism encourages us toexamine our thoughts and to
decide whether they are rationaland useful.
We can choose to ascent ourthoughts or not, and by
questioning our initial thoughtsand considering alternative
ones, we can break free from ournarrow view, our narrow,
(04:42):
initial, automatic view.
When we do this, possibilitiesopen up And this practice helps
us avoid treating our opinionsas facts, and it also allows us
to grow and experience the worldfrom a much broader perspective
.
It's a much more rewarding wayto live.
In a moment I will be walkingyou through a thought record
that you can do, so you don'tslam a slate over somebody's
(05:04):
head the next time theyinterrupt you, or don't spend
too much time ruminating overthat fantasy.
First let's talk more about whypeople interrupt.
We often take interruptionsvery personally.
However, the most commonreasons people interrupt have
nothing to do with us.
Sometimes people interruptbecause they have something they
want to contribute to theconversation and they are very
(05:25):
excited and they want to sharetheir extraverts especially,
feel energized by socialinteractions and have a natural
inclination to contribute toconversations, and their
enthusiasm sometimes and desireto engage can sometimes lead to
interruptions.
We also have different culturaland social norms.
In some cultures interruptingmight be seen as a sign of
(05:46):
participation And in others it'sseen as impolite.
There might be a lack of selfawareness going on or a lack of
other awareness.
Not everybody is listening topersonal development podcasts.
Some people just aren't thatself aware and they don't see
how disruptive theirinterruptions are, or they might
not be that attuned to otherpeople and the contributions
that they're making.
(06:07):
Some people have attentiondifficulties and they might find
it harder to wait their turn orfeel an impulsive need to make
their point right away.
Some people prefer to controlthe conversation.
They might be insecure, theymight have a domineering
personality or they might havethis tendency and not even
realize it.
They just might not be selfaware.
So a lot of these differentcategories can mix in with each
(06:28):
other.
And then differentcommunication styles and habits.
There are billions of people onthis planet and we all
communicate in a different way.
And to help us make sense ofeach other, there are certain
communication frameworks we canuse, or certain personality
frameworks that we can use thatI find very helpful.
Going back to the Enneagram,this personality framework says
that we tend to engage with theworld in three ways, called
(06:51):
stances.
There's the assertive oraggressive stance, the compliant
, also known as dependent stance, and the withdrawn stance.
People in the assertive stancethat's types three, seven and
eight.
They tend to be self confidentand direct.
They take charge and they focuson fulfilling their own desires
.
They are good at getting otherpeople to back their ideas,
(07:12):
whether it's by bringing themalong or dragging them along.
Challenges for them includeimpulsive action, difficulty
connecting with emotions,control issues.
People in the compliance stancethat's types one, two and six.
They tend to seek connectionand approval.
They focus on rules,relationships, duty, and they're
driven by a desire to establishand maintain these connections.
(07:35):
They're often helpful andresponsible, yet they struggle
with over identifying with otherpeople's needs and with setting
boundaries.
And sometimes they are the onescrossing the boundaries,
getting overly involved in otherpeople's business without being
asked.
And then we've got the withdrawnstance.
So people in the withdrawnstance, that's types four, five
and nine.
They tend to be reflective,more reserved, creative.
(07:57):
Of course I'm speaking ingeneralizations.
This is about getting anoverall flavor of different ways
people are in the world.
So withdrawn stance they tendto focus on their inner worlds
because they need time and spaceto process their thoughts and
feelings.
They can come up with amazingideas, but they need some time
to think about it.
They value introspection,independence, personal autonomy.
(08:18):
Challenges for them includefeeling misunderstood, anxiety
and conflict avoidance.
And again, you might relate todifferent aspects of all three,
but chances are you fall intoone of these three stances and
it's helpful to know where youare and helpful to know where
people in your life are.
And, as you can see, these arethree very different ways of
(08:39):
being in the world And this canlead to a lot of
misunderstanding and frustration.
We have people with assertivepersonalities who feel
comfortable expressing theiropinions and taking the lead in
conversations.
They may perceive those of uswho are more introverted as
being disinterested And weintrovert might view them as
being overly aggressive.
This is why we need to take offour tinted glasses and get
(09:03):
curious about where people arecoming from and what their
natural communication tendenciesare.
Remember we can't control howother people act, but we can
control how we respond.
I already mentioned that it'snot things that upset us but
what we make them mean.
Another core Stoic idea which Iwill keep bringing up because
it's so important to ourwell-being and our understanding
(09:25):
of the world Some things are upto us and other things are not.
Stoic philosophy advises thatwe focus our attention and our
efforts on what is within ourcontrol rather than fixating on
external circumstances,including other people's
opinions and things likeinterruptions.
We can make requests, we canset boundaries, but in the end,
(09:46):
what is up to us is our thoughts, our choices and our own
actions.
People interrupt.
It's a part of life.
Practice accepting that theseexternal events are natural.
They're not personal.
When you allow that reality andyou don't let anger consume you
, you can respond from a muchcalmer, more detached place.
(10:06):
You will be able to speak in amuch more influential way
because external disturbanceslike interruptions aren't
dictating your emotionalresponses.
Now you might always feel aninitial spark of irritation when
somebody walks into a room andstarts talking over you, but
it's what happens next thatcounts.
So let's say somebody doesinterrupt you.
(10:27):
Let's practice maintainingequanimity.
Take a deep breath, label yourfeeling.
It might be fury, you don'thave to fight it, just simply
allow it without reacting andstay mindful of the facts of the
situation.
Somebody walked in, startedtalking and be mindful of the
story that you are attaching.
What are some cognitivedistortions that might be coming
(10:50):
up?
Cognitive distortions aredistorted thoughts and this
includes overgeneralizations Ialways get interrupted and
personalizations they don'tvalue me.
Challenge these thought errorsby considering more balanced
thoughts and then respond to thesituation in a way that aligns
with your wisdom and your values.
(11:10):
You may have heard me talk aboutthought records in the past.
Thought records are greatexercises to help us recognize
our automatic thoughts, helps uschallenge these thoughts and to
explore how rational orirrational they might be and to
replace our automatic thoughtswith more useful ways of
thinking.
When you do a thought record,you're writing down the
(11:32):
situation or inciting incidentand this is pure fact, no story,
your automatic thought about it, you're feeling about this and
then the action that this leadsto.
You can do them in differentorder too.
Maybe you're having a feelingand then you want to go to the
thought, or maybe you dosomething and then you work
backwards.
What feeling or thought led tothis action?
(11:53):
Here is an example.
Let's talk about the incitingincident.
You're presenting your ideas ina meeting and, as you're
explaining a crucial point,somebody interrupts and starts
discussing a different topic, anautomatic thought that might
pop up.
This proves that he doesn'trespect me, or nobody listens to
me, or I hate this guy, orpeople are bored, or this
(12:14):
presentation is not that great.
This could lead to a feeling ofbeing embarrassed.
What behaviors come out of thatfeeling?
You might start rushing throughthe presentation to get it over
with.
Now you can challenge yourthought of this presentation
must not be good with analternative thought, like
sometimes people interrupt outof habit or excitement.
Not to undermine me, i have alot of great information to
(12:35):
share and I am going to get usback on track.
My expertise and value aren'tdefined by this one interruption
.
This is so and so just being soand so, this challenge is an
excellent opportunity for me topractice my communication skills
.
If you lean into those thoughts, you're more likely to be able
to acknowledge the interruptionand then bring the focus back to
(12:56):
your presentation withoutstressing out too much about it.
Throughout the day you can dothought records in the moment in
your mind and when you havemore time, sit down and work
them out on paper.
By doing thought records,you'll start to see that your
initial thoughts might not beentirely accurate or fair, and
this gives you space and time tochallenge and reframe automatic
(13:18):
thoughts and a lot of thesethoughts are recurring, and then
you can find more balancedthoughts that will help you
manage your emotions so you canrespond to interruptions in a
more constructive and confidentway.
All right, we've coveredmindset, which is essential to
effective communication.
Now let's talk about verbal andnonverbal techniques that we
(13:38):
can use to reduce our chances ofgetting interrupted and how to
get the conversation back ontrack when we do First up vocal
volume and energy.
Maintain a consistent level ofenergy when you're talking.
This lets people know that youhaven't finished.
Sometimes we lose steam and ourvolume decreases toward the end
of our sentence, or this mightjust be a habit, and this can
(14:00):
sound to others like we'refinished talking when we get
quieter towards the end of oursentences.
So practice maintaining yourvolume levels as you speak.
Also, make sure that yourstatements sound like statements
and not like questions to beanswered by someone else.
This is another habit thatpeople get into their sentences
sound like questions.
(14:21):
If you have a tendency to dothis, you can practice going
lower at the end of yourstatements rather than going
higher.
You can also practiceincreasing your volume and
adding vocal variety to yourspeech.
Vocal variety is volume, but italso includes other things like
the speed at which you'retalking, the emotion in your
(14:41):
voice.
This is all about capturingyour audience's attention with a
clear and steady voice.
This makes you sound moreconfident and more influential.
When I first started podcasting,i was surprised at how many
people I knew said to me wow,you have such a great podcasting
voice.
I never noticed your voicebefore.
I thought this was so curious.
(15:02):
Wow, you never noticed my voicebefore And I did used to think
is there something wrong with myvoice?
Why aren't people listening tome?
Why do I always get talked over?
I feel like nobody is hearingme.
The difference in podcasting isit's a very concentrated
environment.
You're choosing to listen to me.
(15:23):
I've got a captive audience,which is great.
But I also wish that I knewback then what I'm telling you
right now.
It's not that there wassomething wrong with my voice,
but I wasn't using it aseffectively as I could.
For one thing, i'm naturallysoft spoken, more soft spoken
than a lot of people.
This is part nature, but alsopart habit.
(15:44):
It's just how I've alwaysspoken.
But if I want people to hear meand I mean literally hear me I
need to speak up more.
I realized that in conversationswhen something I said might
have fallen flat or I wasgetting faces like people were a
little bit confused.
I used to think I guess theydidn't get what I said, or was
(16:05):
that a stupid thing to say.
I realized later they justdidn't hear what I said And
sometimes people will say whatdid you say?
Could you repeat that?
But a lot of times people don'tsay that People, especially if
you're in a group, people justkind of pretend to hear because
they don't want to be the onlyone who didn't hear.
And then you all sort of moveon.
Now, if I ever get those faces,i just repeat myself and I
(16:26):
speak louder and then you getthe sounds like oh okay, now
people actually heard what Ihave to say.
They did not hear me the firsttime.
That's fine.
Now I know.
Speak up.
This is really important.
And then match the confidencein your voice with confident
body language.
So expansive upright bodyposture, shoulders or back your
arms are not crossed.
(16:47):
Make eye contact with people.
Use purposeful gestures.
If you're in a meeting andsomebody chimes in before you're
finished speaking, make eyecontact with that person.
You can raise your handslightly to indicate that you
have more to say, or like hangon a minute and keep talking.
You could also say somethinglike I appreciate your input, i
(17:07):
would love to hear more after Ifinish my point.
If you're giving a presentation,you can outline your ideas
upfront to let people knowwhat's coming and cut out
unnecessary information.
To keep people engaged, what dothey need to know right now?
You might come off as ramblingif you're including every detail
in the exact order that ithappened.
Now I know us nines.
We think that we're providingclarity by giving all of this
(17:29):
background information, butoften people start to tune out.
You can start to see thoseblank stairs because there's
information overload.
So get to the point and givepeople space to ask questions
and to share their own thoughtsand stay open to new ideas
rather than considering themattacks on what you just said.
As a leader, you want respectfulcommunication to be the norm,
(17:52):
whether you are in the office,running your own online business
at home.
When you get agreement withothers on communication
expectations, you can foster anatmosphere where everyone feels
valued and heard.
So let's focus on settingground rules for open dialogue
in the office.
Create an environment whereemployees feel comfortable
expressing their opinionswithout fear of interruptions or
(18:14):
judgment, and this includeshaving discussions about things
like positive intent.
To assume positive intent whenpeople offer feedback, when
people share an idea.
To stay open to the idea thatthis person is trying to help or
trying to get more informationand that they're not necessarily
trying to criticize orchallenge in an unproductive way
(18:35):
.
Stay open and don't assume thenegative.
Set those expectations upfront.
If you're running meetings,something you could do is
establish a hand-raising systemrather than having a
free-for-all, and again discussthe importance of hearing
different perspectives andgiving everyone a chance to
speak, and also talk aboutdifferent communication styles
and the tendencies of your team,so you all have a better
(18:58):
understanding of where eachother is coming from.
Another thing you could do isassign a facilitator for each
meeting and this person couldmanage interruptions, redirect
the conversation back if neededand encourage everyone to
contribute, and this is a goodprofessional development
opportunity for the facilitatoras well.
If you have somebody in yourgroup who habitually interrupts,
(19:18):
you can take them outside tohave a conversation about why.
Maybe they are afraid thatthey'll forget their idea, so
you can suggest strategies likewriting their ideas down so they
don't forget them, and thenmake sure that they have the
opportunity to share these ideasAnd set the standard of active
listening.
In patients, active listeninginvolves being present and
(19:39):
taking in what somebody issaying, rather than simply
waiting for your turn to speakand giving this undivided
attention and then askingquestions and reflecting back
what you heard or adding to whatpeople said, making a
contribution.
This shows respect, it buildstrust and it makes you a more
influential communicator.
Practice this with your teamsand have open discussions on
(20:02):
what it means to listen actively.
This will lead to much moremeaningful conversations and
fewer interruptions.
To sum all of this up, when itcomes to interruptions, you need
to manage your mind.
It's not personal And if you'vedeveloped a pattern of thinking
that people speak over you ordon't listen to you.
Do some thought records to helpyou see your situation with more
(20:24):
clarity.
Also, speak up literally.
Increase your volume and vocalvariety.
Hold your body in an expansive,upright posture.
If somebody rushes into theroom and starts talking over you
, you can simply acknowledgethem, say hey there, glad to see
you.
You are just in time to hear mefinish my story.
Do you still feel an Ann ofGreen gables, a level of rage,
(20:48):
when somebody speaks over you?
Do you feel invisible?
Let's talk.
Go to sarahmigatelcom and booka consult And let's talk about
how you can start enjoying lifewith less anxiety and more
influence, more confidence andbetter communication skills.
I love working with people,one-on-one, and I love working
with teams as well.
So much of our suffering comesfrom miscommunication and
(21:10):
misunderstanding and only cantake off the tinted glasses and
start understanding thedifferent ways people move
through the world.
Our lives radically transformthe better, and I want that for
you.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.