May 14, 2025 • 22 mins
This episode of "Enthusiastic Encouragement and Dubious Advice" features hosts Patricia and Nicole discussing recent events they attended, such as a Parliament-Funkadelic concert and an immersive theater experience about the Compton's Cafeteria Riot. They then delve into the concept of "doing enough," exploring personal feelings of inadequacy despite high achievements and societal pressures. The episode concludes with reflections on personal accomplishments and emphasizes self-compassion and recognizing one's own efforts.
Mentioned on the show:
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Bookshop Affiliate Storefront (links below are affiliate)
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Become a patron! Patreon.com/eedapod
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Subscribe to the ongoing Enthusiastic Encouragement & Dubious Advice Newsletter
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Screaming Queens documentary via KQED
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“There’s No Such Thing as 5-Star Cereal” via EEDA Pod
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“Burnout is Not Your Fault” via EEDA Pod
Find the full show notes and official transcript on our website: eedapod.com
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Sound editing by Jen Zink
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
[Intro Music]
(00:15):
Hey there, fun dips.
Welcome to Enthusiastic Encouragementand Dubious Advice, the podcast for
folks who would rather curl intothe fetal position than lean in.
I'm your host, Patricia Elzie-Tuttle,
And I'm good enough, I'm smartenough, and doggone it, people
like me, I'm Nicole Elzie-Tuttle.
We are recording theshow on May 9th, 2025.
(00:36):
Yeah.
Let's see, what have wedone since last show?
I feel like we've done so much.
Uh...
Oh!
At the end of April, we went withfriends to see Parliament Funkadelic.
We did.
George Clinton still hangingout on stage doing his thing.
You know, he wasn't alldressed up in the Afro future.
(00:58):
He, he was in a reasonable kind oflike sweatsuit and hat, but he's 83,
I think, and he was getting down.
And there were so many people on thatstage, both in the band and then people
just in the wings kind of on the stage.
Like it was so chaotic and justunhinged energy, but it was so fun.
(01:22):
It was a lot of fun.
Everyone on that stage looked like theywere performing for a different band.
Like that they were at adifferent concert or something.
Like everyone was just wearingwhatever they, it seemed like,
whatever they felt best performing in.
What they wanted theirperformance outfit to be.
'Cause no one matched.
No.
(01:43):
It was amazing.
It was fantastic.
And this was in downtown Oakland.
Yeah.
And speaking of which, I think this is.
This was possibly, like, the mostdiverse crowd I have been in.
Like race, ethnicity, gender, age,like there were people also, you
(02:03):
know, someone wearing a like collegesweatshirt and jeans, and then
someone in a full three piece suit.
And there was just likesuch a range of people.
Yeah.
It was just everybody was there,and everyone was there to boogie.
Yeah.
I loved it.
I loved it so much.
We also went to an immersivetheater experience.
(02:27):
This time in San Francisco andwhat we went to was kind of a, a
recreation of the events leadingup to the Compton's Cafeteria riot.
Are you gonna tell folks justin case they don't know what
Compton's Cafeteria Riot was?
Yes.
So most people are probably at this pointfamiliar with the Stonewall Rebellion
(02:50):
that happened in New York City in 1969.
The Compton's Cafeteria Riot took placethree years earlier in 1966 in San
Francisco, and it was a similar event.
Where the queer community was fed upby being harassed and arrested and just
(03:14):
treated poorly in general by the police.
And so they had a riot.
Yeah, they had had it.
They had had it.
They had had it.
And so this theater experience,they recreated like this space.
They recreated the diner.
Yeah.
And there were 12 castmembers and one was the owner.
(03:34):
Some were the waitresses and some werethe people who were there that evening.
And of course, one, one guy was the cop.
And first of all, they served youpancakes and sausage and coffee.
Heck yes.
At table, like you sat at tables.
And they kind of interacted withyou, but then the actors would start
(03:57):
come in and the night would start tounfold, and there was one character
who was actually split into two people.
It was like her olderself kind of narrating.
And then it was her youngerself who was present.
Yeah.
And so then you're sitting there andlike everything's happening around you.
Sometimes they'd come sit at yourtable and talk to you in character.
(04:20):
It was pretty amazing.
It was really cool.
And I hope they get tocontinue doing that show.
Yeah.
If you are interested in learningmore about Compton's Cafeteria Riot
and everything around it, there's adocumentary you can watch on YouTube
from our local PBS affiliate, KQED.
(04:42):
Yes.
Called Screaming Queens, and wewill link to that in the show notes.
So as a reminder, this podcastis independently run, which
is a very nice way of sayingwe do this all out of pocket.
Downloading and sharing and giving usreviews and ratings are free ways to show
(05:03):
us support, and those are really, reallyimportant in helping other people find us.
If you have a few bucks, ourPatreon memberships start at $3
a month and we just announced thenew top tier, which are the dubious
advisors, which are $40 a month.
There are 10 spots.
It is a snail mail experiencethat happens monthly.
(05:25):
And also on our website, eedapod.com,there's a link to our bookshop affiliate
site where if you buy books throughbookshop, which I hope you are.
You can support us bybuying through our links.
[Transition Music]
(05:47):
So, today we want to talk aboutthe idea of enough, mostly around
the notion of doing enough.
This is something that I think about a lotbecause I, like many other overachievers
or firstborns or marginalized folkswho have some privileges often
(06:07):
feel like I'm not doing enough.
Same.
No, really.
It's wild that we feel thisway because we do so much.
Like if most of us listed everythingwe do in a week, it would be a pretty
long list when you start takinginto account, like day jobs, running
(06:27):
errands, any hobbies you may have,cooking, cleaning, childcare, plant
care, elder care, pet care, self-care.
And then like what ifyou also have a side gig?
Do you write maybe you podcast?
Are you doing photography?
Are you crafting any other kind of art?
Are you doing activism also, like callingrepresentatives and attending marches?
(06:50):
Are you being conscious ofwhere you're spending your
money and where you're donating?
And then like maintaining yourrelationships and like spending time with
friends or partners or family members.
Texting, emailing, checkingin, chatting on the phone.
Yeah.
You mentioned self-care and there's alwaysalso that like, I should be working out.
(07:12):
I should be going for a walk.
I should be getting sunlight.
I should be resting.
Like resting is anotherthing to check off the list.
And I hear all of this and that toxiclittle voice in my head is like,
yeah, but you should be doing more.
You're not doing enough.
Always with the shoulding myself.
(07:35):
I know for me, part of this isbecause when I think about all
the things I should be doing.
Almost all of the things I listed a minuteago about like day jobs and like life
maintenance, like household chores andcooking and like eating and all of that.
Those don't count towards like the listof things I'm doing in my head, usually.
(08:01):
I don't value them the same way as thethings I want to do or that I feel like
would be helping in some greater way.
Yeah.
And, and as we were talking about thislast night, going over the script,
I think that is also something thatwe have internalized from white
supremacy and patriarchy is we don'tvalue the everyday things of life.
(08:27):
The, the domestic work,
oh my gosh
right?
We under, we undervalue the cookingand cleaning and calendar maintenance.
And like, I want to be very clear, likequeer people aren't immune to the effects
of patriarchy and white supremacy.
(08:48):
We were, this is the water we swim in.
This is how we were raised.
And so it's hard to let go of those ideas,especially pointed at ourselves, right?
Yeah.
That like, oh, what I'm doingisn't, isn't important enough
or what I should be doing.
Yeah, and then it's like suddenly10 o'clock, and I'm like, but
I really should be writing.
Totally.
Yeah.
(09:09):
I still remember my jaw droppingwhen my old therapist said to
me, okay, what would be enough?
What would doing enough look like?
How do you know you've done enough?
How'd you answer that?
For once in my life I was speechless.
Really?
Yeah.
(09:29):
Yeah.
Okay.
I, I think I gave her a dirty look.
I mean, I always have plentyof those to throw around.
Now you ask this question, I'm like,okay, how do I know I've done enough.
And this is a hard one because like myimmediate thought is like, well, I'll know
I've done enough when we've overthrowncapitalism and dismantled systems of
(09:49):
intersecting oppression so that we canall live in a relaxed state and enjoy
our lives and make good art and food.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I wanna point out there is a shortdistance between the phrase I am not doing
(10:10):
enough, and the phrase, I am not enough.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Careful with that.
It sounds like you're about tosay something that's going to
lead to, like, introspection.
Yeah, I, my apologies.
But I do see a pattern with those inour circle who frequently tell me,
(10:36):
I don't feel like I'm doing enough.
I am obviously just basingthis on our circles.
It's total anecdata, but stay with me.
I hear it a lot from other peopleof color, especially those of
us who were firsts in some way.
First to go to a four year college.
First to get an advanced degree.
(10:56):
First to work a white collar job.
Or I see it with friends that haveparents who are, or were high achieving
doctors, college professors, teachers,business owners, or any of my friends
from any type of historically excludedcommunities who feel like they should
be doing more, giving more money,volunteering more time, achieving more
(11:19):
to be the exception, not the rule.
Achieving more to give a handup to those who come after us.
Yeah, but if we don't give that hand,then how can we help lift everyone up?
We just need to lift someone up.
We can't single handedly lift everyone up.
(11:40):
But that Venn diagram of theaforementioned folks and folks whose
identities are wrapped up in achievementslike career or good grades is a circle.
I feel like, and this is again, likejust the people that we interact
with, the ones we always hear saying,I'm not doing enough, those are the
(12:04):
ones that are always doing so much.
Yeah, I think there's no onedoing the bare minimum saying
they're not doing enough.
It's always those of us who are doing somuch being like, I'm not doing enough.
You know, take note of that.
Uh, listeners, if you are onesthat are like, I'm not doing enough
You're probably doing a lot.
You're probably doing a lot,and you should like take a
(12:26):
step back and look at that.
That goes for us too.
I know for me it can stem from a placeof feeling obligated to make up for the
people who I perceive as not showing up.
So again, we ask what wouldenough look like in this context?
(12:47):
You know, thinking about thisquestion makes me think about one
of those early episodes that wedid on perfection, where we say not
everything needs to be five stars.
Maybe doing some things,some things is enough.
We don't need to do allthe things all the time.
(13:09):
I understand this academically,but emotionally it's still
something I really struggle with.
I think I've mentioned in thepast, I was raised to believe
that I could do anything.
Every adult in my life hyped me up.
I had no limits to my achievements.
(13:30):
Black excellence, Asian excellence,girl power, meow, meow, meow.
What not enough people talk about thoughis that when you're raised believing you
can do anything, you turn into an adultthat feels like you need to do everything.
It's the never ending, notliving up to my potential tune.
(13:51):
I think this also does tie back tocapitalism, which in the way it's
functioning right now, is designed tokeep you in a relentless productivity
loop, and this loop leads to burnout.
On that note, go listen to our episodetitled Burnout Is Not Your Fault.
(14:13):
So, Patricia, what do we even dowhen we're in this cycle of feeling
like we're not doing enough?
Especially for those ofus who are doing so much.
This is where self-compassion comes in.
Also known as cuttingyourself some fricking slack.
(14:34):
I don't know her.
I dunno.
I mean I read this somewhere, I'm sure.
I know it's real rich coming from me, uh,which is maybe why our advice is dubious.
Yeah.
You know what?
This is the dubious advicepart of the episode.
It can be really difficult to get out ofour heads and be gentle with ourselves.
(15:00):
Wait, gentle with our,again, I don't know her.
But we suggest thinking about whatif this were someone you love who
was doing a million things andsaying they're not doing enough.
How would you react?
What would you say to them?
(15:21):
I'd, I'd probably say like,you're already doing so much.
Maybe put some things down.
Have you considered resting?
Oh.
Once in a while, if I'm really spiraling,I write down all the things I've done in
a span of time, like a week or two weeks.
And that includes day job, thatincludes the self-care maintenance,
(15:45):
but also cooking and also bathingand, uh, hair wash day and like,
just write everything down.
Jokes on you.
I can't remember what Idid like three days ago.
You know what?
That's fair too.
Why am I not doing enough?
I can't remember what I've done.
I can't remember.
(16:06):
Aw, ADHD strikes again.
Then I take a step back and I look atthese lists and I think, what if it
was a loved one showing me this list?
What would I think?
My answer is always, well, I'd beincredibly impressed and hope they
are fitting in some time to restand do something for themself.
(16:28):
Y'all can't hear the look I'mgiving Patricia right now.
It is, she's giving me areally loud look, everyone.
Feeling attacked.
Again, I think it's important to recognizethat there is no such thing as enough.
In like quotes, big capitalletters, enough under capitalism
(16:49):
and in an oppressive state.
Or that enough isn't actually apossibility that exists when it comes
to some things like, like me showingyou how much I love you, right?
Or just showing care for other people.
There better not be.
There, there is no limit, baby.
(17:09):
That's good.
That's real good.
My Velcro wife.
Yeah, and you tear usapart, you hear me scream.
Sorry.
You got me with that one.
You are welcome.
[Transition Music]
(17:36):
Wow.
We just kind of unloaded that one.
We absolutely did.
That, that must be a record.
What do you want people totake away from this episode?
I think my big takeaway is that thereis actually no such thing as enough.
Like there's no suchthing as doing enough.
We can never do enough.
So we need to determine, we needto determine enough for ourselves.
(17:57):
Hmm.
How about you?
What takeaway do you want people to have?
I think I want people to be mindfulof all the things they aren't
counting towards what they're doing.
Like when they're thinkingabout like, am I doing enough?
Think about all the things thatyou aren't counting in that.
Especially like the things I listoff early on, like all the, the
(18:18):
domestic things and your day job.
Think about all the thingsyou're doing at your day job.
Start counting that stuff too, becausethat is stuff you as a person are doing.
Yeah.
And expending spell slots on too.
Yeah.
You're probably doing a lotmore than you think you are.
Except me.
I am totally not doing enough.
(18:39):
Yeah, no, I'm definitely not doing enough.
Recognizing how much we're doing.
Yeah.
And often those things take from your cup.
Mm-hmm.
What are you doing to refill it?
Well, we had our wedding anniversary.
Yes.
Which was, which is eight years, married.
(19:00):
13 years together.
Good job, us.
Good job, us.
And you know what, we didn'teven do anything to celebrate
or anything like that,
necessarily that evening.
I did make you a chicken.
I did make a buttermilk chicken.
Oh my gosh.
You made Samin Nosrat'sbuttermilk chicken.
I'll link that in the show notes.
Oh my god.
This was some of the bestroast chicken I've ever had.
(19:22):
But I don't know, I think I'malways wowed when our wedding
anniversary comes around 'cause itstill doesn't feel like that long.
Yeah.
You also wrote me a reallysweet card like you often do.
Yeah.
I try to make you cry.
You, you get me, youget me there sometimes.
And the other thing that is fillingmy cup right now is the Gypsy cast
(19:45):
recording that was released April 25th.
I'm just making it my whole personality.
Yeah.
You don't see me most ofthe day when I'm here.
I, I don't, but I catch snippetsof it playing from time to time,
especially on the weekends.
And then I'm like, I know this song.
Why do I know this song?
(20:06):
Nicole, what's filling your cup lately?
Y'all?
I finally got a typewriter!
You did, and it's so cool.
It's been many months since you got yours.
Mm-hmm.
I, yeah.
It's a beast of a typewriter.
It's from 1947.
Mm-hmm.
And it works great.
Yeah.
(20:27):
And I'm very pleased with it.
Yeah.
It's real.
Like I love the keys on it.
We got it from someone wholoved it, but was downsizing.
Yeah.
I'm just, I'm so stoked and I'mstarting to write mail on it.
Um...
Yeah.
You wrote a letter to Nana.
I did write a letter to my Nana.
Yes.
Yeah.
Which I'm waiting for her to, tocall me or something and be like,
(20:48):
did you write on a typewriter?
You a weirdo.
She wouldn't say that.
She loves everything you do.
I know.
Well, that's our show for today.
We'd like to thank our awesomeaudio editor, Jen Zink.
You can find her at loopdilou.com.
We'll leave a link tothat in our show notes.
(21:09):
You can find the full show notesand transcript at eedapod.com.
That's E-E-D-A-P-O-D dot com.
There you can find a link to our Patreon,our bookshop link, and a link to the
ongoing, Enthusiastic Encouragementand Dubious Advice newsletter.
You can also find us on Instagramand Bluesky at eedapod and
(21:33):
email us at eedapod@gmail.com.
We are nothing if not consistent.
We would also appreciate it somuch if you would subscribe and
rate us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify,YouTube, or wherever else you get
your podcasts that allow ratings.
It goes really far in helping otherpeople find us, which is good because
(21:55):
we are not advertising anywhere rightnow so we need you to spread the word.
Please.
We would also appreciate anyonewho can subscribe to us on Patreon.
Support is going to help us keep thisshow going, especially without ads.
You can find us at patreon.com/eedapod.
In the meantime, we hope youfind ways to be kind to yourself,
(22:16):
drink some water and read a book.
We'll be talking to you soon.
Did you forget to clap?
Yeah, I forgot to clap buy you're justlooking at me with your teeth hanging out.
1, 2, 3. [CLAP]
[Intro Music]
(00:15):
Hey there, fun dips.
Welcome to Enthusiastic Encouragementand Dubious Advice, the podcast for
folks who would rather curl intothe fetal position than lean in.
I'm your host, Patricia Elzie-Tuttle,
And I'm good enough, I'm smartenough, and doggone it, people
like me, I'm Nicole Elzie-Tuttle.
We are recording theshow on May 9th, 2025.
(00:36):
Yeah.
Let's see, what have wedone since last show?
I feel like we've done so much.
Uh...
Oh!
At the end of April, we went withfriends to see Parliament Funkadelic.
We did.
George Clinton still hangingout on stage doing his thing.
You know, he wasn't alldressed up in the Afro future.
(00:58):
He, he was in a reasonable kind oflike sweatsuit and hat, but he's 83,
I think, and he was getting down.
And there were so many people on thatstage, both in the band and then people
just in the wings kind of on the stage.
Like it was so chaotic and justunhinged energy, but it was so fun.
(01:22):
It was a lot of fun.
Everyone on that stage looked like theywere performing for a different band.
Like that they were at adifferent concert or something.
Like everyone was just wearingwhatever they, it seemed like,
whatever they felt best performing in.
What they wanted theirperformance outfit to be.
'Cause no one matched.
No.
(01:43):
It was amazing.
It was fantastic.
And this was in downtown Oakland.
Yeah.
And speaking of which, I think this is.
This was possibly, like, the mostdiverse crowd I have been in.
Like race, ethnicity, gender, age,like there were people also, you
(02:03):
know, someone wearing a like collegesweatshirt and jeans, and then
someone in a full three piece suit.
And there was just likesuch a range of people.
Yeah.
It was just everybody was there,and everyone was there to boogie.
Yeah.
I loved it.
I loved it so much.
We also went to an immersivetheater experience.
(02:27):
This time in San Francisco andwhat we went to was kind of a, a
recreation of the events leadingup to the Compton's Cafeteria riot.
Are you gonna tell folks justin case they don't know what
Compton's Cafeteria Riot was?
Yes.
So most people are probably at this pointfamiliar with the Stonewall Rebellion
(02:50):
that happened in New York City in 1969.
The Compton's Cafeteria Riot took placethree years earlier in 1966 in San
Francisco, and it was a similar event.
Where the queer community was fed upby being harassed and arrested and just
(03:14):
treated poorly in general by the police.
And so they had a riot.
Yeah, they had had it.
They had had it.
They had had it.
And so this theater experience,they recreated like this space.
They recreated the diner.
Yeah.
And there were 12 castmembers and one was the owner.
(03:34):
Some were the waitresses and some werethe people who were there that evening.
And of course, one, one guy was the cop.
And first of all, they served youpancakes and sausage and coffee.
Heck yes.
At table, like you sat at tables.
And they kind of interacted withyou, but then the actors would start
(03:57):
come in and the night would start tounfold, and there was one character
who was actually split into two people.
It was like her olderself kind of narrating.
And then it was her youngerself who was present.
Yeah.
And so then you're sitting there andlike everything's happening around you.
Sometimes they'd come sit at yourtable and talk to you in character.
(04:20):
It was pretty amazing.
It was really cool.
And I hope they get tocontinue doing that show.
Yeah.
If you are interested in learningmore about Compton's Cafeteria Riot
and everything around it, there's adocumentary you can watch on YouTube
from our local PBS affiliate, KQED.
(04:42):
Yes.
Called Screaming Queens, and wewill link to that in the show notes.
So as a reminder, this podcastis independently run, which
is a very nice way of sayingwe do this all out of pocket.
Downloading and sharing and giving usreviews and ratings are free ways to show
(05:03):
us support, and those are really, reallyimportant in helping other people find us.
If you have a few bucks, ourPatreon memberships start at $3
a month and we just announced thenew top tier, which are the dubious
advisors, which are $40 a month.
There are 10 spots.
It is a snail mail experiencethat happens monthly.
(05:25):
And also on our website, eedapod.com,there's a link to our bookshop affiliate
site where if you buy books throughbookshop, which I hope you are.
You can support us bybuying through our links.
[Transition Music]
(05:47):
So, today we want to talk aboutthe idea of enough, mostly around
the notion of doing enough.
This is something that I think about a lotbecause I, like many other overachievers
or firstborns or marginalized folkswho have some privileges often
(06:07):
feel like I'm not doing enough.
Same.
No, really.
It's wild that we feel thisway because we do so much.
Like if most of us listed everythingwe do in a week, it would be a pretty
long list when you start takinginto account, like day jobs, running
(06:27):
errands, any hobbies you may have,cooking, cleaning, childcare, plant
care, elder care, pet care, self-care.
And then like what ifyou also have a side gig?
Do you write maybe you podcast?
Are you doing photography?
Are you crafting any other kind of art?
Are you doing activism also, like callingrepresentatives and attending marches?
(06:50):
Are you being conscious ofwhere you're spending your
money and where you're donating?
And then like maintaining yourrelationships and like spending time with
friends or partners or family members.
Texting, emailing, checkingin, chatting on the phone.
Yeah.
You mentioned self-care and there's alwaysalso that like, I should be working out.
(07:12):
I should be going for a walk.
I should be getting sunlight.
I should be resting.
Like resting is anotherthing to check off the list.
And I hear all of this and that toxiclittle voice in my head is like,
yeah, but you should be doing more.
You're not doing enough.
Always with the shoulding myself.
(07:35):
I know for me, part of this isbecause when I think about all
the things I should be doing.
Almost all of the things I listed a minuteago about like day jobs and like life
maintenance, like household chores andcooking and like eating and all of that.
Those don't count towards like the listof things I'm doing in my head, usually.
(08:01):
I don't value them the same way as thethings I want to do or that I feel like
would be helping in some greater way.
Yeah.
And, and as we were talking about thislast night, going over the script,
I think that is also something thatwe have internalized from white
supremacy and patriarchy is we don'tvalue the everyday things of life.
(08:27):
The, the domestic work,
oh my gosh
right?
We under, we undervalue the cookingand cleaning and calendar maintenance.
And like, I want to be very clear, likequeer people aren't immune to the effects
of patriarchy and white supremacy.
(08:48):
We were, this is the water we swim in.
This is how we were raised.
And so it's hard to let go of those ideas,especially pointed at ourselves, right?
Yeah.
That like, oh, what I'm doingisn't, isn't important enough
or what I should be doing.
Yeah, and then it's like suddenly10 o'clock, and I'm like, but
I really should be writing.
Totally.
Yeah.
(09:09):
I still remember my jaw droppingwhen my old therapist said to
me, okay, what would be enough?
What would doing enough look like?
How do you know you've done enough?
How'd you answer that?
For once in my life I was speechless.
Really?
Yeah.
(09:29):
Yeah.
Okay.
I, I think I gave her a dirty look.
I mean, I always have plentyof those to throw around.
Now you ask this question, I'm like,okay, how do I know I've done enough.
And this is a hard one because like myimmediate thought is like, well, I'll know
I've done enough when we've overthrowncapitalism and dismantled systems of
(09:49):
intersecting oppression so that we canall live in a relaxed state and enjoy
our lives and make good art and food.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I wanna point out there is a shortdistance between the phrase I am not doing
(10:10):
enough, and the phrase, I am not enough.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Careful with that.
It sounds like you're about tosay something that's going to
lead to, like, introspection.
Yeah, I, my apologies.
But I do see a pattern with those inour circle who frequently tell me,
(10:36):
I don't feel like I'm doing enough.
I am obviously just basingthis on our circles.
It's total anecdata, but stay with me.
I hear it a lot from other peopleof color, especially those of
us who were firsts in some way.
First to go to a four year college.
First to get an advanced degree.
(10:56):
First to work a white collar job.
Or I see it with friends that haveparents who are, or were high achieving
doctors, college professors, teachers,business owners, or any of my friends
from any type of historically excludedcommunities who feel like they should
be doing more, giving more money,volunteering more time, achieving more
(11:19):
to be the exception, not the rule.
Achieving more to give a handup to those who come after us.
Yeah, but if we don't give that hand,then how can we help lift everyone up?
We just need to lift someone up.
We can't single handedly lift everyone up.
(11:40):
But that Venn diagram of theaforementioned folks and folks whose
identities are wrapped up in achievementslike career or good grades is a circle.
I feel like, and this is again, likejust the people that we interact
with, the ones we always hear saying,I'm not doing enough, those are the
(12:04):
ones that are always doing so much.
Yeah, I think there's no onedoing the bare minimum saying
they're not doing enough.
It's always those of us who are doing somuch being like, I'm not doing enough.
You know, take note of that.
Uh, listeners, if you are onesthat are like, I'm not doing enough
You're probably doing a lot.
You're probably doing a lot,and you should like take a
(12:26):
step back and look at that.
That goes for us too.
I know for me it can stem from a placeof feeling obligated to make up for the
people who I perceive as not showing up.
So again, we ask what wouldenough look like in this context?
(12:47):
You know, thinking about thisquestion makes me think about one
of those early episodes that wedid on perfection, where we say not
everything needs to be five stars.
Maybe doing some things,some things is enough.
We don't need to do allthe things all the time.
(13:09):
I understand this academically,but emotionally it's still
something I really struggle with.
I think I've mentioned in thepast, I was raised to believe
that I could do anything.
Every adult in my life hyped me up.
I had no limits to my achievements.
(13:30):
Black excellence, Asian excellence,girl power, meow, meow, meow.
What not enough people talk about thoughis that when you're raised believing you
can do anything, you turn into an adultthat feels like you need to do everything.
It's the never ending, notliving up to my potential tune.
(13:51):
I think this also does tie back tocapitalism, which in the way it's
functioning right now, is designed tokeep you in a relentless productivity
loop, and this loop leads to burnout.
On that note, go listen to our episodetitled Burnout Is Not Your Fault.
(14:13):
So, Patricia, what do we even dowhen we're in this cycle of feeling
like we're not doing enough?
Especially for those ofus who are doing so much.
This is where self-compassion comes in.
Also known as cuttingyourself some fricking slack.
(14:34):
I don't know her.
I dunno.
I mean I read this somewhere, I'm sure.
I know it's real rich coming from me, uh,which is maybe why our advice is dubious.
Yeah.
You know what?
This is the dubious advicepart of the episode.
It can be really difficult to get out ofour heads and be gentle with ourselves.
(15:00):
Wait, gentle with our,again, I don't know her.
But we suggest thinking about whatif this were someone you love who
was doing a million things andsaying they're not doing enough.
How would you react?
What would you say to them?
(15:21):
I'd, I'd probably say like,you're already doing so much.
Maybe put some things down.
Have you considered resting?
Oh.
Once in a while, if I'm really spiraling,I write down all the things I've done in
a span of time, like a week or two weeks.
And that includes day job, thatincludes the self-care maintenance,
(15:45):
but also cooking and also bathingand, uh, hair wash day and like,
just write everything down.
Jokes on you.
I can't remember what Idid like three days ago.
You know what?
That's fair too.
Why am I not doing enough?
I can't remember what I've done.
I can't remember.
(16:06):
Aw, ADHD strikes again.
Then I take a step back and I look atthese lists and I think, what if it
was a loved one showing me this list?
What would I think?
My answer is always, well, I'd beincredibly impressed and hope they
are fitting in some time to restand do something for themself.
(16:28):
Y'all can't hear the look I'mgiving Patricia right now.
It is, she's giving me areally loud look, everyone.
Feeling attacked.
Again, I think it's important to recognizethat there is no such thing as enough.
In like quotes, big capitalletters, enough under capitalism
(16:49):
and in an oppressive state.
Or that enough isn't actually apossibility that exists when it comes
to some things like, like me showingyou how much I love you, right?
Or just showing care for other people.
There better not be.
There, there is no limit, baby.
(17:09):
That's good.
That's real good.
My Velcro wife.
Yeah, and you tear usapart, you hear me scream.
Sorry.
You got me with that one.
You are welcome.
[Transition Music]
(17:36):
Wow.
We just kind of unloaded that one.
We absolutely did.
That, that must be a record.
What do you want people totake away from this episode?
I think my big takeaway is that thereis actually no such thing as enough.
Like there's no suchthing as doing enough.
We can never do enough.
So we need to determine, we needto determine enough for ourselves.
(17:57):
Hmm.
How about you?
What takeaway do you want people to have?
I think I want people to be mindfulof all the things they aren't
counting towards what they're doing.
Like when they're thinkingabout like, am I doing enough?
Think about all the things thatyou aren't counting in that.
Especially like the things I listoff early on, like all the, the
(18:18):
domestic things and your day job.
Think about all the thingsyou're doing at your day job.
Start counting that stuff too, becausethat is stuff you as a person are doing.
Yeah.
And expending spell slots on too.
Yeah.
You're probably doing a lotmore than you think you are.
Except me.
I am totally not doing enough.
(18:39):
Yeah, no, I'm definitely not doing enough.
Recognizing how much we're doing.
Yeah.
And often those things take from your cup.
Mm-hmm.
What are you doing to refill it?
Well, we had our wedding anniversary.
Yes.
Which was, which is eight years, married.
(19:00):
13 years together.
Good job, us.
Good job, us.
And you know what, we didn'teven do anything to celebrate
or anything like that,
necessarily that evening.
I did make you a chicken.
I did make a buttermilk chicken.
Oh my gosh.
You made Samin Nosrat'sbuttermilk chicken.
I'll link that in the show notes.
Oh my god.
This was some of the bestroast chicken I've ever had.
(19:22):
But I don't know, I think I'malways wowed when our wedding
anniversary comes around 'cause itstill doesn't feel like that long.
Yeah.
You also wrote me a reallysweet card like you often do.
Yeah.
I try to make you cry.
You, you get me, youget me there sometimes.
And the other thing that is fillingmy cup right now is the Gypsy cast
(19:45):
recording that was released April 25th.
I'm just making it my whole personality.
Yeah.
You don't see me most ofthe day when I'm here.
I, I don't, but I catch snippetsof it playing from time to time,
especially on the weekends.
And then I'm like, I know this song.
Why do I know this song?
(20:06):
Nicole, what's filling your cup lately?
Y'all?
I finally got a typewriter!
You did, and it's so cool.
It's been many months since you got yours.
Mm-hmm.
I, yeah.
It's a beast of a typewriter.
It's from 1947.
Mm-hmm.
And it works great.
Yeah.
(20:27):
And I'm very pleased with it.
Yeah.
It's real.
Like I love the keys on it.
We got it from someone wholoved it, but was downsizing.
Yeah.
I'm just, I'm so stoked and I'mstarting to write mail on it.
Um...
Yeah.
You wrote a letter to Nana.
I did write a letter to my Nana.
Yes.
Yeah.
Which I'm waiting for her to, tocall me or something and be like,
(20:48):
did you write on a typewriter?
You a weirdo.
She wouldn't say that.
She loves everything you do.
I know.
Well, that's our show for today.
We'd like to thank our awesomeaudio editor, Jen Zink.
You can find her at loopdilou.com.
We'll leave a link tothat in our show notes.
(21:09):
You can find the full show notesand transcript at eedapod.com.
That's E-E-D-A-P-O-D dot com.
There you can find a link to our Patreon,our bookshop link, and a link to the
ongoing, Enthusiastic Encouragementand Dubious Advice newsletter.
You can also find us on Instagramand Bluesky at eedapod and
(21:33):
email us at eedapod@gmail.com.
We are nothing if not consistent.
We would also appreciate it somuch if you would subscribe and
rate us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify,YouTube, or wherever else you get
your podcasts that allow ratings.
It goes really far in helping otherpeople find us, which is good because
(21:55):
we are not advertising anywhere rightnow so we need you to spread the word.
Please.
We would also appreciate anyonewho can subscribe to us on Patreon.
Support is going to help us keep thisshow going, especially without ads.
You can find us at patreon.com/eedapod.
In the meantime, we hope youfind ways to be kind to yourself,
(22:16):
drink some water and read a book.
We'll be talking to you soon.
Did you forget to clap?
Yeah, I forgot to clap buy you're justlooking at me with your teeth hanging out.
1, 2, 3. [CLAP]
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