307 | When Parents Call It a Bribe: Defending Choice Giving in CCPT

In this episode, I respond to a question from Sarah in California about how to explain the difference between bribery and choice giving in CCPT—specifically after a parent watched the Cookies, Choices, and Kids video and thought it sounded like a bribe. I walk through the foundational CCPT principles that differentiate choice giving from manipulation and how limit-setting within CCPT actually empowers children rather than controls them.

We explore why true choices are rooted in mutual acceptability and ownership, and how bribes—no matter how well-intentioned—create control struggles, entitlement, and conditional behavior. I also contrast the outcomes of bribery vs. choice and offer practical language therapists can use to help parents better understand what choice giving actually means in the child-centered model.

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Common References:
Cochran, N., Nordling, W., & Cochran, J. (2010). Child-Centered Play Therapy (1st ed.). Wiley.
VanFleet, R., Sywulak, A. E., & Sniscak, C. C. (2010). Child-centered play therapy. Guilford Press.
Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge.
Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.
Benedict, Helen. Themes in Play Therapy. Used with permission to Heartland Play Therapy Institute.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,
your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.
Hi,
I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
The Kid Counselor.
This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get
a master class in child-centered play therapy
and practical support and application for your
work with children and their families.
In today's episode,

(00:20):
I am answering a question from Sarah in California.
Specifically
because a parent raised a question,
so not really
for her more for the parent's response.
So we're gonna dive into that.
I wanted to give you all an update on
the
live
podcast episode contest.

(00:41):
So everyone who attended the live podcast was invited to share their CCPT story.
Email it to me.
And we were going to choose 3 winners
so that I was able to have a 30 minute call
with each of them to talk about whatever they wanted.
So thank you to those of you who submitted stories.
It was so encouraging to read where you've been and how CCPT found you and

(01:05):
What you've been doing since you've been all in in the model,
really fun for me to share in those stories.
We randomly chose 3 winners.
We did the 300th episode on the 3 year anniversary.
So
3 winners are Tammy,
Kimberly,
and Nancy.
So congrats to you three ladies.

(01:27):
I will be in touch with you all reaching out with scheduling that 30 minute Zoom call.
We'll set that up soon.
So again,
Tammy,
Kimberly and Nancy are the winners,
randomly drawn from all of you that entered.
Thank you so much and we will continue to
have more things like that on our live episodes moving forward.
So congrats.
Excited to have a chance to chat with you all.

(01:48):
All right,
so back to Sarah's question from California.
She's wondering how to answer this for a dad.
So here's the scenario.
She sent him the cookies choices and kids video.
And his response,
oh by the way,
for those of you that may not be familiar with that,
that is Landreth's video where he spoke at a church
and was explaining the
choice

(02:08):
giving process,
so his choice theory
and all of the scenarios with his own children
and the rationale behind providing choices to children.
So send him the cookies choices and kids video.
And dad sounded that to him it sounded like bribery.
How do you explain that they're different is the question.
This is not the first time that the word bribery has come up regarding choice giving,

(02:32):
so some of you might be shocked by that,
but interestingly,
I've had this conversation multiple times.
It's interesting the way that that can be
interpreted because I think it misses the entire point
of choice giving.
The whole premise of choice giving
is
you are

(02:53):
agreeable to both choices.
And you know that it's something that the child would be too.
There's absolutely no bribery
in saying my child would be OK with either one of these,
I'm OK with either one of these.
I'm going to provide a choice.
Now that would be for empowerment choices.
So my child can choose to put on sneakers or my child can choose to put on sandals.

(03:18):
I'm OK with either.
The child likes both of those shoes.
There's no bribery whatsoever.
Sarah,
I suspect maybe it was the enforcement choices that
he was alluding to about feeling like it's bribery,
and in that case,
it's because there's a limit that's been set.
But even in that scenario.
What we're doing

(03:39):
is we're setting up parameters and boundaries.
Then we're giving children freedom
and power and control
over the circumstance.
No child wants to be told what to do.
And I think maybe if we would juxtapose the alternative.
It wouldn't probably feel like bribery anymore because the alternative is.

(04:02):
Do that now.
No kid wants to be told that.
No kid wants to hear that.
Do it now.
I said so.
Don't ask questions.
If you don't do it,
I'm going to.
Parents threaten.
They yell.
They're angry.
They're dictatorial.
They're insistent.

(04:23):
They have all the power.
So let's contrast that with
the CCPT choice giving approach.
First of all,
the child feels validated
and heard and understood.
You really don't want to get ready for bed.
You really wish that you could keep playing with your friends.
You're upset that it's time to go.

(04:45):
We're helping the child feel understood.
Look,
you're not wrong for any of these feelings,
needs,
desires,
wishes.
They are what they are,
unconditional acceptance,
meeting the child where they are.
None of that aligns with bribery whatsoever,
but we'll get to the true heart of where I think bribery is coming in in a second.
So we're going to validate where the child is,

(05:05):
and then we're going to set a neutral limit.
It's time to go.
But it's dinner time,
but it's bedtime.
Whatever.
It's a neutral expectation.
Kids have to learn how to operate within boundaries.
That's life skill development.
People that don't learn to operate within boundaries can't

(05:27):
keep a job and end up in jail.
This is setting your child up to be able to comply with expectations.
Then you provide alternatives to meet the original need.
If the kid wants to stay up.
You can choose to stay up for 5 more minutes or
you can choose to stay up for 10 more minutes,
which you choose.

(05:49):
You can choose to play with your friends tomorrow morning or
you can choose to play with your friends tomorrow afternoon.
Which do you choose?
If they want to stay up,
they can stay up 5 or 10 minutes.
If they want to see their friends again,
it can be tomorrow morning or tomorrow afternoon.
If they wish that they could stay at Grandma and Grandpa's house,
even though it's time to go.

(06:11):
You can choose to come see Grandma and Grandpa this weekend,
or you can choose for them to come to our house this weekend.
Which do you choose?
You're OK with either option.
Child then gets to choose,
and here's the deeper piece of this.
When a child makes a choice,
there's automatic buy in.
There's automatic ownership of the outcome.
If child chooses

(06:33):
to see friends first thing in the morning.
They are OK with that because it's meeting their need
and then when they wake up,
what do you think the first thing they're gonna say is,
I'm gonna go see my friends.
Why?
Because they chose.
They're gonna remember that,
they know,
they have control over it.
So bribery and negotiation has no place in

(06:56):
The choice giving related to limit setting
none.
If we bribe,
let's let's talk about a bribe real fast,
which I don't like to do because it flies in the face
of CCPT but you'll understand why as we get further into this.
A bribe is if you do this,
then I'll give you this.

(07:16):
If you don't do this,
then this is going to happen,
but if you do this,
so it's always positive skewed.
In other words,
it's not really about the thing you don't want,
it's about the thing you do want.
So,
if you do this,
then I'll give you this.
That's a bribe.

(07:37):
And the intention is I want you to make that choice.
I want you to get in the car,
so I'll get you ice cream on the way home.
That's not a choice.
That's manipulative because you're getting what you want,
which is the kid gets in the car.

(07:58):
And then I'll bribe you to do it
by giving you something that you want.
You wanna know that what that creates?
That creates a need to always get your way.
And then a child chooses to do nothing unless there's something in it for them.
It's no longer about respect,
it's no longer about obedience,
it's no longer about compliance.

(08:18):
It's no longer about self-regulation or control.
It's I'm not doing anything unless you make it worth my while.
So up the ante.
What are you gonna give me this time?
That creates a power and control struggle all day long.
So when we bribe,
and I mean we see this at the center all the time,
if you go to therapy,
I'll get you a video game on the way home.

(08:40):
If you go back to the playroom,
we'll stop at McDonald's before we get back to the house.
But wa,
whoa,
whoa.
Child gets to choose.
We're not going to contrive scenarios.
To make something
more.
Enjoyable for the child.
You do this,
I'll do this.

(09:00):
That is not at all what a choice is.
It's not at all what Cookies,
choices and kids is about.
So,
I think it's about helping this dad,
Sarah,
understand
the deeper context of what the outcomes are,
why we provide choices in this way,
and what it does for the child.

(09:21):
And it's about wording too,
because let's be very clear,
it is not the same.
We,
we could say that we're giving a choice,
but if it's,
if you do that,
I'll take you to get ice cream.
That is not a choice.
That's a bribe.
Choices are,
if you choose to go back,
you choose to get ice cream.

(09:42):
If you choose not to go back,
you choose not to get ice cream,
which do you choose?
And
we would always choose
for kids to have the things that they want.
We would always choose for kids to comply.
We would always choose for kids to have the positive outcome.
Always

(10:03):
But sometimes kids choose
otherwise.
And they have to own and accept the consequence of that choice.
There's no bribery involved in that.
So Sarah,
I hope that that equips you to have that discussion with this dad,
maybe equips all of us to really help parents understand
what is at the heart of this,

(10:24):
because it's easy to misinterpret this from the outside looking in,
but we deeply understand the value of this and what it does for children,
and sometimes that needs to be stressed
if they're misinterpreting the whole premise.
All right.
Thank you so much for the email,
Sarah.
I hope that was helpful.
Shoot me an email if you'd like to reach out,
brenna at the kid counselor.com.

(10:45):
I love you all.
We'll talk again soon.
Bye.
Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr.
Brenna Hicks.
For more episodes and resources,
please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.