#55 How To Build A Rock Solid Marriage - Nate & Kaley Klemp

If you've been struggling to achieve a perfectly equitable marriage, you're not alone. Research shows that even couples who prioritize equality often find themselves fighting about fairness in their relationship.

That was the experience of today's guests, Nate and Kaley Klemp, two high-achieving individuals, who started their marriage believing in a model of fairness, only to discover that, in reality, that balance was virtually impossible to achieve. It was out of this frustration that they developed what they call The 80/80 Marriage, a model rooted in radical generosity and shared success, which led to them co-authoring the New York Times bestselling book The 80/80 Marriage: A New Model for a Happier, Stronger Relationship.

I talk with Nate and Kaley about the concept of the 80/80 marriage, why fixating on fairness doesn't work, and how adopting a mindset of radical generosity can transform your relationship. Our conversation also gets into key aspects of their book, like being intentional about each person's role, creating explicit values, and setting priorities and boundaries together. Join us for a fascinating conversation on equality, radical generosity, and how to strive for an 80/80 relationship!

 

Key Points From This Episode:

 

•    Introducing today's guests, Nate and Kaley Klemp.

•    The story of how they met and got married.

•    Why the first two years of their marriage were so challenging.

•    The many ways couples fight about fairness and why it causes resentment.

•    How they wrote the 80/80 Marriage together.

•    The concept of an 80/80 relationship, and how it differs from one that is 50/50.

•    Why it's about striving for balance and radical generosity.

•    Steps to creating the right mindset for an 80/80 marriage.

•    How to create the structure for an 80/80 relationship.

•    Building a bridge between mindset and structure through values.

•    How to take a more intentional approach to your roles as a couple.

•    Setting priorities and boundaries as a couple (and why it can be so liberating).

•    Insights on what to do when you have an unwilling or reluctant partner.

•    How to approach your partner about entering an 80/80 relationship.

•    Nate's new book Open: Living with an Expansive Mind in a Distracted World.

 

Quotes:

 

"We're really the first generation in all of human history, striving toward equal marriage. [0:05:39]

 

"There's no such thing as 160% of anything. The whole idea is [that] it doesn't make sense, [so] strive. And then, [with] both parties striving for 80%, you land somewhere in the space of balance."  [0:11:18]

 

"There are no good or bad, or right or wrong, values. There are known and implicit values. When you have known, or explicit, or agreed to, values, then you have a north star, where you can build the structure of your relationship. When you have implicit values, it's very challenging."  [0:23:54]

 

"Most couples have never taken that step back and [have] never thought from an intentional place: 'How could we redesign our roles, such that [it] really works for both of us?'"  [0:28:05]

 

"For many couples, when even just one person shifts to 80/80, it opens up a new space for the other person, who might be the undercontributor, to contribute more and to be generous in turn."  [0:37:11]

 

Links Mentioned in Today's Episode:

 

Nate