July 3, 2025 • 24 mins
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In this episode, I’m sharing the hard truths and healing lessons I wish someone had told me in my twenties. From understanding male psychology to breaking trauma bonds and reclaiming my power, these are the mindset shifts that changed the way I date, love, and value myself.
We’re talking love vs. attachment, why men bond through investment (not emotion), how boundaries create desire, and what it really means to be the prize. If you’ve ever lost yourself in a situationship, tolerated breadcrumbs, or confused chaos for chemistry—this one’s for you.
This episode is raw, honest, and straight from the heart. I hope it gives you clarity, comfort, and the courage to stop settling. Because the version of you who knows better deserves a love that reflects her worth.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Madeline (00:00):
Welcome to Becoming Sunshine.
For those of you that know me,you know that Sunshine has been
an alias of mine for almost adecade now, and sunshine also is
me becoming my highest self, andthat's what this podcast is
about.
I'm here to help you understandyourself better and maybe learn
(00:21):
some more about myself along theway.
Thanks so much for joining me.
I'm excited.
hi friends.
Welcome back to BecomingSunshine.
So today's a little bitdifferent.
I know you guys love my episodeswhere I talk about relationships
and things that I've learned,and I feel like there's so many
things that I've learned,especially recently.
(00:41):
And I just feel like the way Imove now when it comes to dating
and dealing with men in generalis completely different than the
way that I used to.
I think a big part of that isfrom taking a break from dating
and from men in general for likeliterally almost a year now.
I think it's been so healing.
And so these are 15 things thatI wish I knew about men and
(01:05):
dating in my twenties that Iknow now.
So number one is men bond to usemotionally by investing in us.
So investing their time, energy,and most importantly, their
resources.
If a man invests in youfinancially, he's gonna feel
responsible for you and attachedto you.
(01:26):
I made this mistake before inrelationships where I didn't
wanna accept gifts or whatever,didn't want guys to take me
shopping.
So I was like, oh no, I don'tneed that.
I love you, like blah, blah,blah, blah.
I felt bad for whatever reason,why?
Be open to receiving, the giftisn't about you, it's about him.
It's about him investing in youand wanting to invest in you.
(01:48):
That's why men stay inrelationships.
That's why men stay married,because they've made an
investment in the relationship,in the woman.
Men and women work differentlyand they bond differently to
each other, and that's how menbond.
So if he wants to take youshopping, if he wants to buy you
a gift, let him.
That's him bonding to you.
(02:09):
That's him investing in you.
Think of it like a tangible wayto gauge the security of your
relationship honestly.
Number two, men respond todisrespect.
Men feel the need to provethemselves.
Boundaries and scarcity createvalue.
(02:30):
Think of luxury brands,exclusive clubs.
They all have barriers of entry,and it gives them their status
and their value.
I talked about this on my lastpodcast episode, but when my ex
went to go buy a Lambo and hewas made to feel like he wasn't
good enough to buy it or hewasn't serious or whatever, and
he had to prove himself likebest believe he bought it that
(02:51):
day.
Men love feeling like they haveto prove themselves.
So honestly, it sounds kind ofweird and backwards, but
disrespecting a man a littlebit, like properly and kind of
like putting him down a littlebit, that makes him wanna prove
himself even more, and men lovethat.
They love a challenge.
They love feeling like they'vehad to prove themselves and like
(03:15):
they've won.
Like that's why men play videogames.
That's why men compete againsteach other.
That's why they love sports,like they want to prove
themselves.
Number three, men like to betold what to do, now hear me
out.
Okay?
They have to be in charge allday at work and you know,
especially if they'reresponsible for their own
(03:35):
company or a bunch of people orwhatever, and they want someone
who's in charge or makes therules.
I feel like this goes back tothe whole good boy yes daddy
theory that I talked about in mylast episode.
And it's so true.
Why do men like to go to thestrip club?
Like yeah, there's multiplereasons, but a big one is
they're not in charge.
(03:56):
They don't make the rules.
Maybe at home they do, maybe atwork they do, but there the
girls make the rules.
They tell them the price, theytell them the boundaries.
They tell them what's okay,what's not okay.
Men love coming to the stripclub and being like tell me what
to do.
They love it.
They love not being in charge.
They love being submissive.
They really, really do.
Even the most alpha, the mostSigma, they wanna turn their
(04:18):
brain off for a second.
They want to feel, I wouldn'tnecessarily use the word
dominated, but yeah kind of,this is why I was saying in my
last episode that so manyrelationships are actually low
key fendom relationships.
Because men have to be in chargeand have to be, you know, alpha
or dominant all the time, theyneed that time to be submissive.
(04:41):
They love it.
They crave it honestly.
Okay.
Number four, men learn withsilence.
Reward them with attention, andhave a big emotional reaction to
something when they do somethingthat you like, and then remove
energy when they do somethingyou don't like, that's all they
understand.
I can't even tell you how manytimes I've crashed out on men in
(05:04):
the past, like old me, where youknow, I've sent them voice notes
or paragraphs, I've written themletters, like everything, and
it's like bro, even if they readit, even if they listen to it,
that's doesn't compute.
That's not how men operate.
All they're gonna see and allthey're gonna hear is, I love
(05:24):
you.
I love you, I love you so much.
When you're going off on them,even if you're telling them
they're the biggest piece ofshit, all they're going to hear
is that.
You're giving them energy,you're giving them attention and
that you love them and you'reobsessed with them.
When you pull back your energyand you're no longer
entertaining them or whateverthey're doing, then they're like
oh shit.
(05:45):
She doesn't love me anymore.
She doesn't want me anymore.
There's memes about this.
It's like you know you reallylost a woman when she doesn't
give you her energy anymore,she's not crashing out on you.
She doesn't care anymore, andthat's when they change.
Number five, the man you meet inthe beginning of a relationship
is their representative.
After three months, you see whothey truly are.
(06:07):
So if you're waiting for theversion of them that you met in
the beginning to come back,you'll be waiting forever.
I've learned this so many timesthe hard way.
That's the man they wish thatthey were, who they wanted you
to believe that they were, butit's not who they are.
Who they are three months in,six months in a year in, that's
who they actually are.
Number six, men run a simplealgorithm.
(06:31):
They'll do whatever isnecessary, nothing more.
This is why women shouldn'tsleep with men right away.
If they want something seriousor they want a certain standard
in the relationship, men willput in whatever level of effort
is necessary to get what theywant.
Yes.
That includes sleeping with you.
If they needed to put in acertain level of energy and
(06:53):
effort to get you in thebeginning, that's the level of
effort that they'll continue toshow up for the rest of the
relationship.
So if they wanted to sleep withyou and you know they just had
to buy you a drink, that's thestandard.
They're not gonna start planningdates after that.
They're not gonna shower youwith trips and gifts and give
you princess treatment or, showup for you and be super
(07:16):
emotionally accommodating andreliable.
If in the beginning they didn'thave to put in a lot of energy
effort.
They had a conversation withyou.
They took you to dinner maybe,they bought you a drink, they
spent the day with you.
That was it, that's thealgorithm.
You set the standard, you setthe algorithm.
So if they had to court you fora couple months, take you to
(07:37):
dinner, take you on trips.
Meet your family, meet yourfriends, and then they finally
got to sleep with you.
That's the level of effortthey're gonna show up with.
They'll be like, okay, this iswhat it takes to get this girl.
This is the level I'm gonnacontinue to show up with.
When you decide to sleep withthem, just think of it as you're
freezing the relationship.
You're putting the pause on thelevel of care, the standard of
(08:01):
the relationship.
So if you're happy with whathe's providing and what he's
doing and how he's showing upfor you, then yeah, proceed,
like sleep with him, date him,whatever.
But if you're not happy withwhat he's giving you, what he's
providing, what he's offering,don't sleep with him because
he's going to continue to tryand keep working until he gets
(08:23):
what he wants.
And then once he does, he's notgonna do more than that.
That's the standard.
That's what it took to get you.
In his brain, that's what he'sgonna understand that's what it
takes.
So think about that.
It's not about like being easyor you know, judging women who
sleep with men right away.
It's just for your own sake,it's for your own sanity.
(08:45):
It's like the algorithm.
It's just the way that menoperate in general.
I'm not saying they're not gonnarespect you, I'm just saying
they're not gonna put in anymore effort than they've already
put in.
Number seven, always prioritizeyourself and your schedule.
You are the prize and he needsto be the one to accommodate
you.
If you shift this dynamic he'llstart to view himself as the
(09:07):
prize and start taking you forgranted.
I used to do this all the timein relationships.
Once I fall in love with a guy,I wanna accommodate him and be
there for him and you know,change my schedule around'cause
I love him.
Even if I already had plans, Ihad to get my nails done or
whatever, but he wants to hangout.
Like, oh my gosh, I love him.
Of course I wanna hang out, Ican reschedule.
No, no you can't.
It doesn't matter what it is,even if it's the most boring
(09:30):
plans ever, you start makingthese little micro decisions
that prioritize him, he's gonnastart feeling it.
You're gonna start feeling it.
And once he doesn't see you asthe prize anymore, that spot
opens up either for anotherwoman, for himself, for whoever.
You're not the prize someoneelse is gonna be.
It's not gonna be you, so thinkabout it like that.
(09:51):
Once they start to view youdifferently and take you off the
pedestal.
Someone else needs to be put onthe pedestal baby girl, and it's
either gonna be another womanwho may or may not be better
than you.
She probably isn't.
She probably just isn't givinghim the time of day and is just
prioritizing herself, and hesees that as higher value in his
brain, or he's gonna see himselfas the prize and he's now
(10:13):
looking down at you and startingto take you for granted and
thinking in his head, wow Ithought she was so high value
and she was such a prize, butnow I'm the prize, so I need to
go find someone better, eventhough you're probably the best
we'll ever get, but again, justmale psychology.
Number nine, who you attract ata low point will bring you even
(10:34):
lower if you give them a chance.
They weren't your saving grace.
They're going to be a karmiclesson.
This is why I really don't thinkpeople should date or try to
date if they're not in a goodplace, like spiritually,
emotionally, whatever.
Because if you're in a badplace, if you're in a low place,
if you're vibrating at a lowfrequency, like attracts like,
(10:55):
you're not gonna attract thebest person for you when you're
spiraling.
That's why when you're workingon yourself and you're in a good
place, you just end upmanifesting your person, you end
up getting into this amazingrelationship with this amazing
person that compliments you sowell because you're both
vibrating at the same frequency.
I'm speaking from personalexperience with my last
(11:16):
relationship.
I was in a really dark placewhen I met my ex.
I had just been assaulted and Ilost like 80% of all my best
friends that I had been friendswith for the past six years.
It was a long time coming, weweren't really aligned anymore.
That's a story for another day.
But then this man came into mylife, which seemed to be so
(11:39):
kismet at the time.
he seems like the perfect guy,says all the right things.
Seems to be everything that Iwant, everything I could have
dreamed.
If you're in a bad place, ifyou're not in a good place, if
you're spiraling, if you're notyour best self.
If you're in a low place, Ipromise you, he's not a godsend.
He's a lesson.
He is a karmic lesson.
(12:00):
If you already think you're in alow place and you give someone a
chance during this point in yourlife, I promise you the only
place they'll take you is lower.
You think you're at rock bottom.
Just wait.
Just wait baby girl.
Just wait.
No one's gonna save you butyourself.
If you do end up giving someonea chance, when you're at a low
point, what's gonna happen isyou're gonna end up trauma
(12:23):
bonding to this person andmisplacing love for attachment
and for comfort.
I remember I had this analogy,you feel like you're drowning in
the middle of the ocean andsomeone throws you a life
preserver, right?
And you're drowning.
(12:44):
So you're like, oh my God, thankGod.
You know, you think that it issent from God, it's sent from
above.
This is your saving grace,right?
And then you start to realizethat the life preserver is full
of holes.
But you're drowning in theocean.
You know this is all you have,and you think that you need this
life preserver to survive.
So even though you know thatit's full of holes and you see
(13:05):
that it's full of holes and themore you look at it, the more it
seems to be just more and moreholes everywhere.
You are frantic to patch up theholes as opposed to just getting
rid of the life preserver andjust trying to swim to shore
because you think that you needthis to survive.
And I feel like that's howpeople get into really toxic
(13:26):
relationships.
They feel like they're drowningand that they were set a
lifeline and no matter howobvious it is that this is not
the lifeline and this is notwhat's gonna save you.
This is not what's gonna evenhelp you and you're gonna spend
all your energy that you couldhave used just swimming to
shore, and you'll probably endup drowning a lot faster trying
(13:48):
to patch up this life preserverfull of holes than you would've
just ditching it and trying tosave yourself.
So yeah, that's my little sadgirl analogy.
But honestly, that's how itfeels getting into a toxic
relationship when you're alreadyin a really low point.
So yeah, don't do it.
(14:08):
Wait until you're in a goodplace, a healed place before you
start dating.
I know that people say thatbeing in relationships can help
them heal a lot, and I thinkthat that's true a healthy
relationship can help you heal alot of wounds.
But I also think that it'sreally great to get into a
relationship when you've alreadydone a lot of the work on
yourself and you've alreadyhealed as much as you think you
(14:30):
can on your own.
It's also just respectful toyourself and to your partner.
People always think of theirdream person or the person that
they want to attract.
But if you think of that person,who do they wanna attract?
You know, who's worthy of them?
Do you align with that person?
Is that someone that hasn't donework on themselves?
Is that someone who's at a lowpoint in their life?
(14:52):
Probably not.
I think working on yourself andgetting to the healthiest place
you can be on your own is thebest thing you can do for
yourself and for your futurepartner.
Just food for thought.
Number 10, an insecure man willpunish you and try to make you
small.
He's jealous of you and you're amirror showing him everything
(15:14):
he's not.
When you're too good for him,he'll try to make you feel like
you're not good enough for him.
I know this from personalexperience.
You can never win with aninsecure man.
There's nothing you can do tomake them feel validated, to
make them feel secure.
If they're insecure, that isbetween them and God.
That's something that they needto heal and figure out on their
(15:36):
own, and all they're gonna do ispunish you and make you feel bad
about yourself and make you feelunworthy.
They probably know that you'retoo good for them and that
they're not enough for you, orthey can't be the man or the
woman that you deserve or thatyou need, and instead of facing
that, they're just gonna try tomake you feel small.
(15:59):
This is such a weird thing tothink about, but if you're too
good for a man, he's gonna makeyou feel like you are the worst
person he's ever dated.
You're the least attractive, theleast talented, the least
whatever.
He's gonna try to make you feelsmall so that he can feel bigger
and better about himself.
Relationships are mirrors andthe worst thing for a man
(16:24):
especially, is being showneverything he's not, because
again, men are so competitiveand they don't wanna be shown
everything they're not.
They'd rather just bedelusional, and if you make them
feel inferior, they're gonnapunish you for it.
Number 11 if a man does more ora lot for the woman after you,
(16:46):
it's more about proving tohimself that he's a good man
than it has anything to do withher or their relationship.
Don't ever take it personal ifyou're dating a guy and he
didn't do something for you ordidn't do all these things for
you, and then he goes and doesit all for the next girl.
It has nothing to do with you.
It has nothing to do with her.
He probably doesn't like hermore than you.
He probably doesn't value hermore, it's more about proving to
(17:11):
himself that he's a good personand he's a good man and that the
mistakes he made in the previousrelationship were not a
reflection of him.
And if they were, he's gonna tryto do things better this time.
It really has nothing to do withyou, I promise and it really
probably has nothing to do withher either.
Men are about their image andtheir ego and their status, and
(17:31):
they lead with that.
Number 12 red flags in thebeginning are what end up being
amplified in the end.
Trust your intuition.
If you saw something you didn'tlike in the beginning, let him
go.
The ones that hurt you the mostare always the ones you lowered
your standards for.
If there's things early in arelationship that I don't like
(17:53):
and I have to convince myself togive this guy a chance, it
usually doesn't end up workingout, and then I usually end up
getting attached to a guy thatmy intuition knew wasn't right
for me and knew was not up to mystandard.
Your gut and your intuition istrying to guide you.
Women have this gift, ourintuition, it's been passed down
(18:14):
for generations.
This is what make women somagical and feminine energy so
magical and why men covet thisfeminine energy so much and so
valuable.
There's so many things that Iwould never put up with from
men, and then when I decide tolet it go or rationalize it or
make excuses for it, it onlygets worse.
(18:36):
It doesn't get better.
Never have I ever made excusesfor a man or lowered my standard
for a man where he ended upmeeting that standard later or
surpassing that standard later,that never happens.
Life is too short and we don'tneed to be lowering our
standards for anyone and whenyou do that, they start to
devalue you in their brains.
When you lower your standardsfor them, you think oh let me
(18:59):
give this guy a chance.
You know, he's gonna value memore because I'm outta his
league or I'm giving him achance and giving a shot.
No.
Men aren't stupid.
They also know their behaviorand what you're putting up with
and if you start to let them getaway with this stuff, you're not
the prize anymore.
They don't value you the same.
So when you lower your standardto meet them, that doesn't make
(19:21):
them value you more.
That doesn't make them grateful.
That makes you lose your valuein their mind, and that makes
them lower You.
You can never lift a man up toyour level.
They can only bring you down totheirs.
Remember that.
Number 13 inconsistencies meanthey're seeing or talking to
another woman.
(19:42):
They're not too busy with workor their life.
They're busy with someone else.
everything they do is for womenand their attention and their
favor.
So if he's busy with work or hiscareer or whatever, that might
be true, but he's never too busyfor the woman that he loves or
(20:03):
adores, or the woman that hewants.
Men move mountains for the womanthat they want.
So if he's confused orinconsistent, he's not busy with
something else, he's busy withsomeone else.
That's how men operate.
Men are simple.
So if he's inconsistent, it'sbecause he has someone else.
Just know that.
(20:23):
Number 14, love can't change aman.
Only consequences do.
So Barbara, the builder overhere, I used to think that I
could fix a man.
Change a man.
I could love him enough intowanting to grow into himself and
change.
No, men don't change because youlove them or whatever.
(20:44):
Men change because ofconsequences.
That's the only way men change.
Loving someone and giving themmore chances and letting someone
get away with disrespect, theonly thing you get from letting
someone disrespect you is moredisrespect.
That's it.
(21:06):
Giving someone a second chancedoesn't make them change.
They're not gonna do better.
People know what they're doing,especially men and men love to
push the boundaries and they'regonna keep pushing until they
know where that boundary is.
So giving them more chances, orhaving weaker boundaries doesn't
make them love you more.
It doesn't make them change, itmakes them devalue you.
(21:28):
If you don't like something thata man is doing, pull back your
attention.
Go silent, go cold.
If he is going cold, you gocolder.
Match your effort with the man'sactions, not with their words.
Don't give them more chances.
You don't give them more of yourenergy.
You don't give them anexplanation.
You don't try to tell a man howthey're making you feel, blah,
(21:50):
blah, blah, blah, blah.
If you want a man to change.
Let him go.
He'll either change or he won't.
But either way, it's not gonnabe your headache anymore.
And I promise you, there'ssomeone so much better that's
gonna listen the first time.
Number 15, last but not least,they didn't go for someone
better.
They went for someone whovalidated who they are now.
(22:12):
Again, men don't change withlove, they change with
consequences, and if they don'twanna change.
They're comfortable with wherethey're at.
They're gonna choose someonethat validates who they are.
Now, this other girl probably isnot better than you, probably
the opposite, but she'svalidating who he is now and
(22:32):
she's accepting the standard ofwhat he can provide now.
Maybe he is showering her withgifts, but he hasn't changed who
he is fundamentally.
He's still the same insecure,broken, lost boy.
'Cause if she's tolerating thebad behavior, but she's getting
a chanel bag, cool enjoy thebag, you're still with a clown.
(22:54):
Don't ever feel bad that theymoved on to someone else.
That person is just validatingwho they are now and their
behavior and toxicity, andthey're saying they're okay with
it.
Just be happy that it's not you.
'cause there's gonna be someoneso much better out there for
you.
Sometimes pieces of shit deserveother pieces of shit.
(23:15):
You're not a piece of shit, andthey probably were, and so
they're with another piece ofshit.
Like attracts like.
Anyways, these are so manythings that took me way too long
to learn.
I think sometimes we have tolearn these lessons the hard way
or there has to be real karmiclessons in order for us to
change our behaviors.
(23:36):
Hopefully you guys can learnfrom me so you don't also have
to learn a lot of these the hardway because if I had learned
these back in my twenties andmoved differently back then.
I could have saved myself somuch heartache and so much
confusion.
But alas I'm just grateful thatI finally have figured these out
now.
So if you like this, pleaseshare it with your friends, like
(24:00):
subscribe, and I will talk toyou guys next time.
Bye.
Welcome to Becoming Sunshine.
For those of you that know me,you know that Sunshine has been
an alias of mine for almost adecade now, and sunshine also is
me becoming my highest self, andthat's what this podcast is
about.
I'm here to help you understandyourself better and maybe learn
(00:21):
some more about myself along theway.
Thanks so much for joining me.
I'm excited.
hi friends.
Welcome back to BecomingSunshine.
So today's a little bitdifferent.
I know you guys love my episodeswhere I talk about relationships
and things that I've learned,and I feel like there's so many
things that I've learned,especially recently.
(00:41):
And I just feel like the way Imove now when it comes to dating
and dealing with men in generalis completely different than the
way that I used to.
I think a big part of that isfrom taking a break from dating
and from men in general for likeliterally almost a year now.
I think it's been so healing.
And so these are 15 things thatI wish I knew about men and
(01:05):
dating in my twenties that Iknow now.
So number one is men bond to usemotionally by investing in us.
So investing their time, energy,and most importantly, their
resources.
If a man invests in youfinancially, he's gonna feel
responsible for you and attachedto you.
(01:26):
I made this mistake before inrelationships where I didn't
wanna accept gifts or whatever,didn't want guys to take me
shopping.
So I was like, oh no, I don'tneed that.
I love you, like blah, blah,blah, blah.
I felt bad for whatever reason,why?
Be open to receiving, the giftisn't about you, it's about him.
It's about him investing in youand wanting to invest in you.
(01:48):
That's why men stay inrelationships.
That's why men stay married,because they've made an
investment in the relationship,in the woman.
Men and women work differentlyand they bond differently to
each other, and that's how menbond.
So if he wants to take youshopping, if he wants to buy you
a gift, let him.
That's him bonding to you.
(02:09):
That's him investing in you.
Think of it like a tangible wayto gauge the security of your
relationship honestly.
Number two, men respond todisrespect.
Men feel the need to provethemselves.
Boundaries and scarcity createvalue.
(02:30):
Think of luxury brands,exclusive clubs.
They all have barriers of entry,and it gives them their status
and their value.
I talked about this on my lastpodcast episode, but when my ex
went to go buy a Lambo and hewas made to feel like he wasn't
good enough to buy it or hewasn't serious or whatever, and
he had to prove himself likebest believe he bought it that
(02:51):
day.
Men love feeling like they haveto prove themselves.
So honestly, it sounds kind ofweird and backwards, but
disrespecting a man a littlebit, like properly and kind of
like putting him down a littlebit, that makes him wanna prove
himself even more, and men lovethat.
They love a challenge.
They love feeling like they'vehad to prove themselves and like
(03:15):
they've won.
Like that's why men play videogames.
That's why men compete againsteach other.
That's why they love sports,like they want to prove
themselves.
Number three, men like to betold what to do, now hear me
out.
Okay?
They have to be in charge allday at work and you know,
especially if they'reresponsible for their own
(03:35):
company or a bunch of people orwhatever, and they want someone
who's in charge or makes therules.
I feel like this goes back tothe whole good boy yes daddy
theory that I talked about in mylast episode.
And it's so true.
Why do men like to go to thestrip club?
Like yeah, there's multiplereasons, but a big one is
they're not in charge.
(03:56):
They don't make the rules.
Maybe at home they do, maybe atwork they do, but there the
girls make the rules.
They tell them the price, theytell them the boundaries.
They tell them what's okay,what's not okay.
Men love coming to the stripclub and being like tell me what
to do.
They love it.
They love not being in charge.
They love being submissive.
They really, really do.
Even the most alpha, the mostSigma, they wanna turn their
(04:18):
brain off for a second.
They want to feel, I wouldn'tnecessarily use the word
dominated, but yeah kind of,this is why I was saying in my
last episode that so manyrelationships are actually low
key fendom relationships.
Because men have to be in chargeand have to be, you know, alpha
or dominant all the time, theyneed that time to be submissive.
(04:41):
They love it.
They crave it honestly.
Okay.
Number four, men learn withsilence.
Reward them with attention, andhave a big emotional reaction to
something when they do somethingthat you like, and then remove
energy when they do somethingyou don't like, that's all they
understand.
I can't even tell you how manytimes I've crashed out on men in
(05:04):
the past, like old me, where youknow, I've sent them voice notes
or paragraphs, I've written themletters, like everything, and
it's like bro, even if they readit, even if they listen to it,
that's doesn't compute.
That's not how men operate.
All they're gonna see and allthey're gonna hear is, I love
(05:24):
you.
I love you, I love you so much.
When you're going off on them,even if you're telling them
they're the biggest piece ofshit, all they're going to hear
is that.
You're giving them energy,you're giving them attention and
that you love them and you'reobsessed with them.
When you pull back your energyand you're no longer
entertaining them or whateverthey're doing, then they're like
oh shit.
(05:45):
She doesn't love me anymore.
She doesn't want me anymore.
There's memes about this.
It's like you know you reallylost a woman when she doesn't
give you her energy anymore,she's not crashing out on you.
She doesn't care anymore, andthat's when they change.
Number five, the man you meet inthe beginning of a relationship
is their representative.
After three months, you see whothey truly are.
(06:07):
So if you're waiting for theversion of them that you met in
the beginning to come back,you'll be waiting forever.
I've learned this so many timesthe hard way.
That's the man they wish thatthey were, who they wanted you
to believe that they were, butit's not who they are.
Who they are three months in,six months in a year in, that's
who they actually are.
Number six, men run a simplealgorithm.
(06:31):
They'll do whatever isnecessary, nothing more.
This is why women shouldn'tsleep with men right away.
If they want something seriousor they want a certain standard
in the relationship, men willput in whatever level of effort
is necessary to get what theywant.
Yes.
That includes sleeping with you.
If they needed to put in acertain level of energy and
(06:53):
effort to get you in thebeginning, that's the level of
effort that they'll continue toshow up for the rest of the
relationship.
So if they wanted to sleep withyou and you know they just had
to buy you a drink, that's thestandard.
They're not gonna start planningdates after that.
They're not gonna shower youwith trips and gifts and give
you princess treatment or, showup for you and be super
(07:16):
emotionally accommodating andreliable.
If in the beginning they didn'thave to put in a lot of energy
effort.
They had a conversation withyou.
They took you to dinner maybe,they bought you a drink, they
spent the day with you.
That was it, that's thealgorithm.
You set the standard, you setthe algorithm.
So if they had to court you fora couple months, take you to
(07:37):
dinner, take you on trips.
Meet your family, meet yourfriends, and then they finally
got to sleep with you.
That's the level of effortthey're gonna show up with.
They'll be like, okay, this iswhat it takes to get this girl.
This is the level I'm gonnacontinue to show up with.
When you decide to sleep withthem, just think of it as you're
freezing the relationship.
You're putting the pause on thelevel of care, the standard of
(08:01):
the relationship.
So if you're happy with whathe's providing and what he's
doing and how he's showing upfor you, then yeah, proceed,
like sleep with him, date him,whatever.
But if you're not happy withwhat he's giving you, what he's
providing, what he's offering,don't sleep with him because
he's going to continue to tryand keep working until he gets
(08:23):
what he wants.
And then once he does, he's notgonna do more than that.
That's the standard.
That's what it took to get you.
In his brain, that's what he'sgonna understand that's what it
takes.
So think about that.
It's not about like being easyor you know, judging women who
sleep with men right away.
It's just for your own sake,it's for your own sanity.
(08:45):
It's like the algorithm.
It's just the way that menoperate in general.
I'm not saying they're not gonnarespect you, I'm just saying
they're not gonna put in anymore effort than they've already
put in.
Number seven, always prioritizeyourself and your schedule.
You are the prize and he needsto be the one to accommodate
you.
If you shift this dynamic he'llstart to view himself as the
(09:07):
prize and start taking you forgranted.
I used to do this all the timein relationships.
Once I fall in love with a guy,I wanna accommodate him and be
there for him and you know,change my schedule around'cause
I love him.
Even if I already had plans, Ihad to get my nails done or
whatever, but he wants to hangout.
Like, oh my gosh, I love him.
Of course I wanna hang out, Ican reschedule.
No, no you can't.
It doesn't matter what it is,even if it's the most boring
(09:30):
plans ever, you start makingthese little micro decisions
that prioritize him, he's gonnastart feeling it.
You're gonna start feeling it.
And once he doesn't see you asthe prize anymore, that spot
opens up either for anotherwoman, for himself, for whoever.
You're not the prize someoneelse is gonna be.
It's not gonna be you, so thinkabout it like that.
(09:51):
Once they start to view youdifferently and take you off the
pedestal.
Someone else needs to be put onthe pedestal baby girl, and it's
either gonna be another womanwho may or may not be better
than you.
She probably isn't.
She probably just isn't givinghim the time of day and is just
prioritizing herself, and hesees that as higher value in his
brain, or he's gonna see himselfas the prize and he's now
(10:13):
looking down at you and startingto take you for granted and
thinking in his head, wow Ithought she was so high value
and she was such a prize, butnow I'm the prize, so I need to
go find someone better, eventhough you're probably the best
we'll ever get, but again, justmale psychology.
Number nine, who you attract ata low point will bring you even
(10:34):
lower if you give them a chance.
They weren't your saving grace.
They're going to be a karmiclesson.
This is why I really don't thinkpeople should date or try to
date if they're not in a goodplace, like spiritually,
emotionally, whatever.
Because if you're in a badplace, if you're in a low place,
if you're vibrating at a lowfrequency, like attracts like,
(10:55):
you're not gonna attract thebest person for you when you're
spiraling.
That's why when you're workingon yourself and you're in a good
place, you just end upmanifesting your person, you end
up getting into this amazingrelationship with this amazing
person that compliments you sowell because you're both
vibrating at the same frequency.
I'm speaking from personalexperience with my last
(11:16):
relationship.
I was in a really dark placewhen I met my ex.
I had just been assaulted and Ilost like 80% of all my best
friends that I had been friendswith for the past six years.
It was a long time coming, weweren't really aligned anymore.
That's a story for another day.
But then this man came into mylife, which seemed to be so
(11:39):
kismet at the time.
he seems like the perfect guy,says all the right things.
Seems to be everything that Iwant, everything I could have
dreamed.
If you're in a bad place, ifyou're not in a good place, if
you're spiraling, if you're notyour best self.
If you're in a low place, Ipromise you, he's not a godsend.
He's a lesson.
He is a karmic lesson.
(12:00):
If you already think you're in alow place and you give someone a
chance during this point in yourlife, I promise you the only
place they'll take you is lower.
You think you're at rock bottom.
Just wait.
Just wait baby girl.
Just wait.
No one's gonna save you butyourself.
If you do end up giving someonea chance, when you're at a low
point, what's gonna happen isyou're gonna end up trauma
(12:23):
bonding to this person andmisplacing love for attachment
and for comfort.
I remember I had this analogy,you feel like you're drowning in
the middle of the ocean andsomeone throws you a life
preserver, right?
And you're drowning.
(12:44):
So you're like, oh my God, thankGod.
You know, you think that it issent from God, it's sent from
above.
This is your saving grace,right?
And then you start to realizethat the life preserver is full
of holes.
But you're drowning in theocean.
You know this is all you have,and you think that you need this
life preserver to survive.
So even though you know thatit's full of holes and you see
(13:05):
that it's full of holes and themore you look at it, the more it
seems to be just more and moreholes everywhere.
You are frantic to patch up theholes as opposed to just getting
rid of the life preserver andjust trying to swim to shore
because you think that you needthis to survive.
And I feel like that's howpeople get into really toxic
(13:26):
relationships.
They feel like they're drowningand that they were set a
lifeline and no matter howobvious it is that this is not
the lifeline and this is notwhat's gonna save you.
This is not what's gonna evenhelp you and you're gonna spend
all your energy that you couldhave used just swimming to
shore, and you'll probably endup drowning a lot faster trying
(13:48):
to patch up this life preserverfull of holes than you would've
just ditching it and trying tosave yourself.
So yeah, that's my little sadgirl analogy.
But honestly, that's how itfeels getting into a toxic
relationship when you're alreadyin a really low point.
So yeah, don't do it.
(14:08):
Wait until you're in a goodplace, a healed place before you
start dating.
I know that people say thatbeing in relationships can help
them heal a lot, and I thinkthat that's true a healthy
relationship can help you heal alot of wounds.
But I also think that it'sreally great to get into a
relationship when you've alreadydone a lot of the work on
yourself and you've alreadyhealed as much as you think you
(14:30):
can on your own.
It's also just respectful toyourself and to your partner.
People always think of theirdream person or the person that
they want to attract.
But if you think of that person,who do they wanna attract?
You know, who's worthy of them?
Do you align with that person?
Is that someone that hasn't donework on themselves?
Is that someone who's at a lowpoint in their life?
(14:52):
Probably not.
I think working on yourself andgetting to the healthiest place
you can be on your own is thebest thing you can do for
yourself and for your futurepartner.
Just food for thought.
Number 10, an insecure man willpunish you and try to make you
small.
He's jealous of you and you're amirror showing him everything
(15:14):
he's not.
When you're too good for him,he'll try to make you feel like
you're not good enough for him.
I know this from personalexperience.
You can never win with aninsecure man.
There's nothing you can do tomake them feel validated, to
make them feel secure.
If they're insecure, that isbetween them and God.
That's something that they needto heal and figure out on their
(15:36):
own, and all they're gonna do ispunish you and make you feel bad
about yourself and make you feelunworthy.
They probably know that you'retoo good for them and that
they're not enough for you, orthey can't be the man or the
woman that you deserve or thatyou need, and instead of facing
that, they're just gonna try tomake you feel small.
(15:59):
This is such a weird thing tothink about, but if you're too
good for a man, he's gonna makeyou feel like you are the worst
person he's ever dated.
You're the least attractive, theleast talented, the least
whatever.
He's gonna try to make you feelsmall so that he can feel bigger
and better about himself.
Relationships are mirrors andthe worst thing for a man
(16:24):
especially, is being showneverything he's not, because
again, men are so competitiveand they don't wanna be shown
everything they're not.
They'd rather just bedelusional, and if you make them
feel inferior, they're gonnapunish you for it.
Number 11 if a man does more ora lot for the woman after you,
(16:46):
it's more about proving tohimself that he's a good man
than it has anything to do withher or their relationship.
Don't ever take it personal ifyou're dating a guy and he
didn't do something for you ordidn't do all these things for
you, and then he goes and doesit all for the next girl.
It has nothing to do with you.
It has nothing to do with her.
He probably doesn't like hermore than you.
He probably doesn't value hermore, it's more about proving to
(17:11):
himself that he's a good personand he's a good man and that the
mistakes he made in the previousrelationship were not a
reflection of him.
And if they were, he's gonna tryto do things better this time.
It really has nothing to do withyou, I promise and it really
probably has nothing to do withher either.
Men are about their image andtheir ego and their status, and
(17:31):
they lead with that.
Number 12 red flags in thebeginning are what end up being
amplified in the end.
Trust your intuition.
If you saw something you didn'tlike in the beginning, let him
go.
The ones that hurt you the mostare always the ones you lowered
your standards for.
If there's things early in arelationship that I don't like
(17:53):
and I have to convince myself togive this guy a chance, it
usually doesn't end up workingout, and then I usually end up
getting attached to a guy thatmy intuition knew wasn't right
for me and knew was not up to mystandard.
Your gut and your intuition istrying to guide you.
Women have this gift, ourintuition, it's been passed down
(18:14):
for generations.
This is what make women somagical and feminine energy so
magical and why men covet thisfeminine energy so much and so
valuable.
There's so many things that Iwould never put up with from
men, and then when I decide tolet it go or rationalize it or
make excuses for it, it onlygets worse.
(18:36):
It doesn't get better.
Never have I ever made excusesfor a man or lowered my standard
for a man where he ended upmeeting that standard later or
surpassing that standard later,that never happens.
Life is too short and we don'tneed to be lowering our
standards for anyone and whenyou do that, they start to
devalue you in their brains.
When you lower your standardsfor them, you think oh let me
(18:59):
give this guy a chance.
You know, he's gonna value memore because I'm outta his
league or I'm giving him achance and giving a shot.
No.
Men aren't stupid.
They also know their behaviorand what you're putting up with
and if you start to let them getaway with this stuff, you're not
the prize anymore.
They don't value you the same.
So when you lower your standardto meet them, that doesn't make
(19:21):
them value you more.
That doesn't make them grateful.
That makes you lose your valuein their mind, and that makes
them lower You.
You can never lift a man up toyour level.
They can only bring you down totheirs.
Remember that.
Number 13 inconsistencies meanthey're seeing or talking to
another woman.
(19:42):
They're not too busy with workor their life.
They're busy with someone else.
everything they do is for womenand their attention and their
favor.
So if he's busy with work or hiscareer or whatever, that might
be true, but he's never too busyfor the woman that he loves or
(20:03):
adores, or the woman that hewants.
Men move mountains for the womanthat they want.
So if he's confused orinconsistent, he's not busy with
something else, he's busy withsomeone else.
That's how men operate.
Men are simple.
So if he's inconsistent, it'sbecause he has someone else.
Just know that.
(20:23):
Number 14, love can't change aman.
Only consequences do.
So Barbara, the builder overhere, I used to think that I
could fix a man.
Change a man.
I could love him enough intowanting to grow into himself and
change.
No, men don't change because youlove them or whatever.
(20:44):
Men change because ofconsequences.
That's the only way men change.
Loving someone and giving themmore chances and letting someone
get away with disrespect, theonly thing you get from letting
someone disrespect you is moredisrespect.
That's it.
(21:06):
Giving someone a second chancedoesn't make them change.
They're not gonna do better.
People know what they're doing,especially men and men love to
push the boundaries and they'regonna keep pushing until they
know where that boundary is.
So giving them more chances, orhaving weaker boundaries doesn't
make them love you more.
It doesn't make them change, itmakes them devalue you.
(21:28):
If you don't like something thata man is doing, pull back your
attention.
Go silent, go cold.
If he is going cold, you gocolder.
Match your effort with the man'sactions, not with their words.
Don't give them more chances.
You don't give them more of yourenergy.
You don't give them anexplanation.
You don't try to tell a man howthey're making you feel, blah,
(21:50):
blah, blah, blah, blah.
If you want a man to change.
Let him go.
He'll either change or he won't.
But either way, it's not gonnabe your headache anymore.
And I promise you, there'ssomeone so much better that's
gonna listen the first time.
Number 15, last but not least,they didn't go for someone
better.
They went for someone whovalidated who they are now.
(22:12):
Again, men don't change withlove, they change with
consequences, and if they don'twanna change.
They're comfortable with wherethey're at.
They're gonna choose someonethat validates who they are.
Now, this other girl probably isnot better than you, probably
the opposite, but she'svalidating who he is now and
(22:32):
she's accepting the standard ofwhat he can provide now.
Maybe he is showering her withgifts, but he hasn't changed who
he is fundamentally.
He's still the same insecure,broken, lost boy.
'Cause if she's tolerating thebad behavior, but she's getting
a chanel bag, cool enjoy thebag, you're still with a clown.
(22:54):
Don't ever feel bad that theymoved on to someone else.
That person is just validatingwho they are now and their
behavior and toxicity, andthey're saying they're okay with
it.
Just be happy that it's not you.
'cause there's gonna be someoneso much better out there for
you.
Sometimes pieces of shit deserveother pieces of shit.
(23:15):
You're not a piece of shit, andthey probably were, and so
they're with another piece ofshit.
Like attracts like.
Anyways, these are so manythings that took me way too long
to learn.
I think sometimes we have tolearn these lessons the hard way
or there has to be real karmiclessons in order for us to
change our behaviors.
(23:36):
Hopefully you guys can learnfrom me so you don't also have
to learn a lot of these the hardway because if I had learned
these back in my twenties andmoved differently back then.
I could have saved myself somuch heartache and so much
confusion.
But alas I'm just grateful thatI finally have figured these out
now.
So if you like this, pleaseshare it with your friends, like
(24:00):
subscribe, and I will talk toyou guys next time.
Bye.
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