October 17, 2025 • 28 mins
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On to today's episode:
The first hug goes to your adult child. That simple shift sets the tone for everything that follows—and it’s the heartbeat of our conversation with Donne Davis, founder of the Gaga Sisterhood, who’s spent two decades helping grandparents build steady, loving connections without overstepping. We dive into the messy, modern realities of grand-parenting—new parenting norms, gift-giving traps, long-distance heartache, and the quiet art of biting your tongue—while keeping one mission clear: protect the bond with the parents so your relationship with the grandkids can thrive.
We unpack why curiosity beats advice, offering word‑for‑word scripts that help you stay close without taking control. From the “anthropologist mindset” for approaching different sleep and feeding choices to setting gentle house rules in your own home, Donne shows how specific praise, reflective listening, and calm boundaries earn trust. We also explore the maternal vs. paternal grandparent dynamic, how to handle in‑law tensions, and why sustainable gifting and secondhand finds can align beautifully with younger parents’ values.
Donne shares her L‑O‑V‑E framework and book - When Grand-parenting Isn't So Grand.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_01 (00:03):
The relationship with your adult children is the
most important relationship.
So many grandmas go into theirrelationship with their
grandchild and think, oh my god,this is so wonderful.
I even made the mistake ofrushing past my daughter one
time when I went to visit.
Remember to hug them firstbefore you hug your grandchild.
SPEAKER_00 (00:26):
Hey everyone, welcome to Bite Your Tongue the
Podcast.
Join me, your host, DeniseGorin, as we explore the ins and
outs of building healthyrelationships with our adult
children.
Together we'll speak withexperts, share heartfelt
stories, and get timely advice,addressing topics that matter
most to you.
Get ready to dive deep and learnto build and nurture deep
(00:49):
connections with our adultchildren.
And of course, when to bite ourtongues.
So let's get started.
Hey everyone, welcome back to abrand new episode of Bite Your
Tongue the Podcast.
You should know that lately ourinbox has been buzzing with your
questions, ideas, and lots oflove.
Thank you so much.
(01:09):
We're already working onbringing some great new guests
to answer all the things youcare about most.
But now before we begin, I haveto give a little shout out.
If you listeners out there areliking what you're hearing, we'd
love your support.
Just head tobiteyourtonguepodcast.com, click
the support tab, and for aslittle as five bucks, you can
(01:31):
give us a nod.
If everyone listening did that,we'd be golden.
We might even be able to go tolunch.
All right, let's get rolling.
As some of you know, I justbecame a grandparent.
And when today's guest reachedout about grandparenting wisdom,
I thought, let's do it.
So today we're thrilled towelcome Donnie Davis, founder of
(01:51):
the Gaga Sisterhood, aninternational membership
organization for enthusiasticgrandmas who want to connect,
grow, learn, and share.
Donnie launched the GagaSisterhood in 2003, shortly
after the birth of her firstgrandchild.
Like many new grandmas, she wascompletely gaga.
And I have to say I'm a littlegaga too.
(02:14):
But she also realized she wasn'tthe only one navigating the joys
and challenges of today's moderngrandparenting.
For the past 20 years, she'sbeen inspiring grandmothers.
She's the author of When Being aGrandmother Isn't So Grand: Four
Keys to L-O-V-E, YourGrandparents' Parents, a
practical guide to navigatingthe most common challenges in
(02:36):
grandparent today.
The book is available on Amazon,and we'll put a link to it in
our episode notes.
We're excited to dive into herwisdom on how to balance love,
boundaries, and realisticexpectations while building the
kind of family and relationshipswe want.
Welcome, Donnie.
We're so glad to have you withus.
(02:57):
I'm delighted to be here.
Well, good.
Let's start with your own story.
What I love about having you onabout the whole grandparent
thing is you've been in thetrenches for much longer than a
lot of us newbies.
So you're going to have a lot tooffer.
So what inspired you to createthis whole grandparent, what do
you call it?
Supported organization.
Yeah, organization.
(03:18):
Organization.
And what has surprised you themost of the two decades of
leading it?
SPEAKER_01 (03:24):
Well, what surprised me the most is how universal the
problems are for all grandmas,no matter where they're from,
whether they're from anothercountry, whether they're from a
different background, it'salways the same problems.
Like the parenting rules arevery different than when we were
parents.
The gifts, you got to be verycareful of the gifts.
(03:48):
Food is a big issue, sleep isdifferent, and boundaries.
They're all things that nomatter who you are as a grandma,
you're most likely going toexperience these.
And the other thing that wasreally surprising to me is that
there's a difference betweenbeing a maternal grandma and
being a paternal grandma.
(04:10):
Now that's a generalization.
SPEAKER_00 (04:12):
I would love you to share a little more about that
because I have a son and adaughter.
My daughter's the one with thechild.
And I've said to people, I thinkit must be really different when
it's your daughter versus yourson.
So share a little bit aboutthat.
SPEAKER_01 (04:24):
The bond between the mother and daughter is very
strong.
I think that maternal grandmasdo have some advantage in that
respect.
But if you get lucky and you'rea paternal grandma and you have
a wonderful daughter-in-law likeI do, she includes you in
everything and you feel like youhave a good relationship.
(04:44):
But often the daughter-in-lawscan be really difficult.
I just was responding to agrandma today who wrote to me,
pouring her heart out about whata horrible daughter-in-law she
has.
And she says, you know, usuallythe jokes are about the
mother-in-law, but she says thisdaughter-in-law is just cruel
and mean and leaves her out.
(05:06):
And there's often a lot youcan't do about that.
SPEAKER_00 (05:08):
Yeah, you probably can't.
I think everything I've learnedfrom doing these interviews is
you have to look inside yourselftoo.
If you have this feeling thatyour daughter-in-law is being
very cruel or keeping you out,you need to figure out what some
of your actions are too.
What could you be doing thatcould be contributing to this
and trying to come to a uhmiddle ground, I guess.
(05:29):
I never think it's one-sided.
And yet I'm sure in manyinstances it is.
SPEAKER_01 (05:33):
I would agree.
A lot of times grandmas trytheir hardest, but they're just
dealt a bad hand, like to say.
SPEAKER_00 (05:40):
Well, you talk in your book, and I mentioned your
book in the intro, and I'llmention it again at the end, but
getting off on the right foot.
Your daughter or your son'sabout to have a baby, maybe it
differs in each case.
What are the steps a newgrandparent should take to get
off on the right foot?
SPEAKER_01 (05:54):
Remember that communication is the key.
Learn how to be a goodcommunicator and especially a
good listener.
So ideally, you would sit downbefore the new baby arrives and
say, I'm so excited to become agrandma.
And I'm just curious, like, howdo you see me in this role?
(06:16):
That would be the first thing.
The second would be here's myexpectations of what I would
love.
I would love to be able to visitonce a week.
I would love to babysit.
I really want to be engaged andinvolved in your lives and start
with that.
And then what are yourexpectations?
How do you see me being in thisrole?
SPEAKER_00 (06:37):
You know, yeah, the second person that said that,
and I just want to discuss thisa little bit, because I don't
think the parents to be knowexactly what they want.
No.
When you typically say, I'd liketo be involved, the response
tends to be, oh, we really wantyou involved.
We can't wait for you to beinvolved.
And all of a sudden you hearthat and you act on it.
It's like, whoa, you're here toomuch, or you're saying too much,
(07:00):
or maybe you need to go homenow.
So I'm not 100% sure they knowwhat they want.
SPEAKER_01 (07:06):
You're right.
And they may want something andthen change their mind because
the whole process is just it'sgrowth.
Remember when you were a parentand you were so excited because
you're in this rhythm andeverything was going so well,
and then all of a sudden itchanged?
SPEAKER_00 (07:22):
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
At three months, six months,nine months, and twelve months.
SPEAKER_01 (07:26):
Yeah.
Everything changes.
And the same thing happens withparents.
They say, Oh, we don't want youaround so much.
And then all of a sudden itbecomes overwhelming.
They say, Well, you know, maybewe'd like you to babysit more
often.
Or it could go the other way, orthey say, We're getting a little
bit too much in our lives.
I don't know, you know, if theywould actually say that.
(07:48):
But you have to really, I think,be such a good nuanced listener
to pick up cues because a lot oftimes there's some unspoken
stuff that is just toouncomfortable to say.
And you have to watch for thosecues.
SPEAKER_00 (08:04):
And I think, particularly in my situation and
my parents' situation when mykids were young, they lived
somewhere else.
So when they came to visit, thetime is so intense.
And I think that's so muchharder because you want to
embrace this time, but you don'twant to step on their toes.
It's a very difficult kind ofvisit.
Whereas if they can call, canyou come over for an hour?
(08:27):
It's a much more relaxedexperience and relaxed
relationship.
SPEAKER_01 (08:32):
It is.
But you know, you make the bestof what you have.
That's what I say.
Don't wish for something thatyou can't have.
Yeah.
Be happy with what you have andmake the best of it and figure
out what's the most creative wayto spend this time.
The thing that I think is hardis when the parents come to
visit you and they want to seetheir old friends when they're
(08:54):
visiting.
And then you have to share them.
That's challenging.
SPEAKER_00 (08:58):
Yeah, that's challenging too.
I also wonder as we're talkingabout this, everyone talked
about their parents when theyhad kids.
I complained about my mother.
I complained about mymother-in-law.
But I look back and I think,gosh, they were actually pretty
doggone good.
I don't remember them eversaying, you should feed your
baby this or you should put yourbaby down now.
They didn't seem to strugglewith these things like we do.
(09:20):
Do you think because the changesare greater?
SPEAKER_01 (09:22):
Definitely.
SPEAKER_00 (09:23):
Definitely.
Definitely.
SPEAKER_01 (09:24):
Because I think we were probably more similar to
our parents in parenting stylesthan our children are.
I was fascinated and a littlejudgmental when I became a
grandma and I saw that mydaughter was embracing this
attachment parenting.
And I had never heard of itbefore, but she was carrying the
(09:46):
baby around 24-7 in a Moby wrapand sleeping with the baby.
And I thought, oh my gosh, nowonder you're tired.
But I didn't say anything.
I was very good about trying notto be judgmental.
What I tell parents is pretendyou're an anthropologist and
you're studying this newculture, and it's so fascinating
(10:09):
to you because it's sodifferent.
And then ask questions in acurious but not judgmental way
because a lot of it's going tobe so different.
SPEAKER_00 (10:18):
I love this.
So walk me through this.
And I've talked to two differentcouples about this.
One pediatrician says, thebaby's in your room till six
months, another pediatriciansays, keep your baby in the room
for a year.
How would I approach this if Isaw my daughter or my son-in-law
or my son really tired?
The baby's in the room all thetime.
They're not getting any timetogether.
(10:40):
How would an anthropologist talkabout this?
SPEAKER_01 (10:43):
Again, lead with curiosity.
Wow, you know, you lookexhausted.
How are you sleeping?
And then wait to see what theysay.
Oh my God, the baby in our roomis just getting really old.
Oh, what makes you think youneed to keep the baby in the
room?
What are your parenting theorieson that?
(11:05):
Listen to what they have to say,but don't say, Oh, yeah, you
know, you should follow thattheory.
Right.
I think you just have to refrainfrom offering advice and they
have to figure it outthemselves.
I call them the team captains.
They set the rules, you respectthem.
If they don't seem to look likethey're doing well, well,
(11:29):
sometimes you just have to letthem suffer the consequences.
I really think that's betterthan saying, Oh, have you
thought about moving the babyinto their own room?
SPEAKER_00 (11:38):
How about when they get older and their little brats
come over, they have no manners,they're talking back to their
parents, they're yelling attheir parents, you don't say a
word.
You say, Oh, I love having them.
SPEAKER_01 (11:49):
I think that when they're in your house, that you
can say, you know what, ingrandma's house, we don't touch
things that are on the shelves.
Or in grandma's house, we sitquietly at the table.
SPEAKER_00 (12:04):
If you're visiting their house, so you're from out
of town and you're visitingtheir house and you see this
disarray of you just have to zipit.
SPEAKER_01 (12:12):
I think so.
You can certainly try, see whathappens.
SPEAKER_00 (12:17):
Well, I don't think you should try.
You may never be invited back.
So I'm not sure that's the best.
Maybe in the backyard whenyou're with the child by
themselves, you can sit down.
SPEAKER_01 (12:25):
Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (12:26):
My mother used to do the best job.
We'd sit at the table, and itwas kind of her thing to do
manners with the kids.
And it was so great.
And they think back and theyremember Nana saying, strong and
able, no elbow.
I love that she just took overand did it because they listened
to her more than they were goingto listen to me.
SPEAKER_01 (12:42):
When it comes to manners, hopefully you have them
in your house, and then you cansay, these are the ways that we
like to sit at the table.
We like to keep our elbows offthe table, or we like to use
this spoon, or we don't have ourhands in the food.
You can do all that when theyget a little bit older.
You know what?
Be a good role model.
(13:03):
And then I always say, if youcatch them doing something that
you think is right, oh, I lovethe way you're just sitting so
quietly at the table.
SPEAKER_00 (13:13):
If someone has a meltdown, the four-year-old has
a meltdown, you don't sayanything, you let the parent
handle it, I would assume.
SPEAKER_01 (13:20):
Unless the parent really looks like they're
struggling, and you could say,I'm here if you need me.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Offer your help and say, I'mhere if you need me.
You know, another thing would beto say, maybe afterward, wow,
that looks so hard.
What is that like for you?
Parents love to vent.
(13:40):
They don't want your advice,they just want you to hear them.
They want you to hear thesuffering.
That's why I say it's soimportant to listen to what
parents have to say and to say,oh gosh, that wow, that
meltdown.
How do you that's so hard tohandle?
What do you do in thatsituation?
SPEAKER_00 (13:59):
Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea too.
I would be more apt to say, youhandled that so well.
SPEAKER_01 (14:04):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (14:04):
You know, because I feel like anytime you give a
compliment, oh, what a greatjob.
SPEAKER_01 (14:09):
And I think the compliments should be very
specific.
Like, I really love the way youpicked up the baby and soothed
her when she was having such ahard time.
SPEAKER_00 (14:19):
Yeah, yeah.
Rather than just you did a goodjob.
I loved how much love you wereable to give that baby.
That's really important.
That's really important.
Observe and and then reflect.
Right.
Now, one thing I really want toget into, and you brought this
up at the beginning, is theovergiving.
Every day a package arrives fromgrandma and grandpa, you show up
with all this stuff.
What's your advice on that?
SPEAKER_01 (14:40):
That's part of the conversation in the beginning.
This is what I would say.
I've heard that a lot ofgrandparents give the wrong
gifts.
I don't want to be guilty ofthat.
What's your thinking on what doyou want me to give?
Experiences or certain kinds oftoys or nothing at all?
Give me a list or tell me what'sthe best way to give my
(15:02):
grandchild presents.
SPEAKER_00 (15:04):
Yeah, I love that.
And that's kind of what I'vebeen doing.
But I'll be in a store and I'llsee the cutest little sweater
and I'll say, Oh, this wouldlook so cute on him.
And then I think, well, you knowwhat?
I don't want it to go to waste.
Sometimes I'll take a pictureand say, Is this something that
seems cute to you?
But yeah, that's good.
I feel like my hands are tied tohave any fun.
Does that make sense?
(15:25):
Well, how old is your grandson?
My grandson's only five monthsold.
Okay.
Yes.
Fun hasn't even started.
I know, I know.
But I just mean one.
It's the first time I can walkinto a baby store for so many
years and look at cute things.
That kind of fun.
Recently I had a conversationabout how would you feel if I
got them a good wintersnowsuits?
And she said, Well, I'm going toa used clothing sale next week.
(15:47):
Let me let you know what I get.
So I just left it.
SPEAKER_01 (15:50):
What I heard when you just said was a very common
thing that millennials reallywant to be conscientious about
the environment.
Right.
They don't want stuff.
They want to reuse.
It's I think bargain hunting atthrift stores has become really
popular.
SPEAKER_00 (16:09):
And yet I find with my friends, some love it and
some never want it.
I have a friend, I think this isthe most fabulous idea.
And she has eight grandchildren,and she has one granddaughter
that's eight or nine.
She'll go to Goodwill and she'llput 10 outfits together for this
little girl.
She'll wash them and iron themand put them all together and
cost her 20 bucks.
(16:30):
My friend also said she didn'twant the grandchild to think she
was out spending all this money.
She was getting seven outfits.
So she wanted to explain to herwhat she was doing and how she
was reusing.
And she's got such style shecould put it together.
Now, we did talk about livingfar away.
What are your best suggestionsfor grandparents that do live
far away as they're developingrelationships with their
(16:51):
grandchildren?
SPEAKER_01 (16:52):
I want to recommend a fabulous resource.
It's called The Long DistanceGrandparent.
That's the name of the website.
The founder is Carrie,K-E-R-R-Y, Byrne, B-Y-R-N-E.
She has the Grandparent Society.
It's a membership organizationand she has monthly seminars on
(17:15):
Zoom for the members.
And she has all kinds ofresources and ways to stay
connected long distance.
She also talks about how hard itis to be a long-distance
grandparent and how there's somegrief involved because it's not
what you'd expected.
I grew up with my grandparents15 minutes away, and I had both
(17:36):
my grandmas in my life until Iwas 40.
But then my husband and I, whenI was seven months pregnant,
moved to Southern California.
We all lived in NorthernCalifornia and husband and I
moved to Southern.
Right when they were about tobecome grandparents, I had no
idea how hard this would be.
SPEAKER_00 (17:54):
Donnie, I know when we picked this day for the
recording, you said there wassomething really special about
this day for you.
What makes September 23rd aspecial day for you?
SPEAKER_01 (18:03):
It's my grandma Amelia's birthday.
She was in my life until I was40 and she died when she was 93.
She was my playmate when I wasgrowing up and my role model for
being a grandma.
I loved her so much, and wespent so much time together.
She and I took a trip across theUnited States by train when I
(18:24):
graduated from high school, allthe way to New York and all the
way back with stops in between.
Isn't that wonderful?
She was my playmate.
I love sleeping over at herhouse on the weekends.
My expectations were like, oh,I'm going to have a relationship
like my grandma and I did.
But I do think that there arelots of ways that you can stay
(18:46):
connected.
The key, again, is are yourchildren going to help you stay
engaged?
Because that's what it takes.
I Zoom with my granddaughter,who's down in Southern
California, every Sunday.
And we started this during thepandemic.
And it's because her mother isreally keen on us getting
(19:07):
together and me having arelationship with her.
You need the parents, especiallywhen they're young.
But you know, there's a lot ofways to stay connected with
long-distance grandchildren.
Look at that website becauseit's got some great ideas on it.
SPEAKER_00 (19:21):
Well, and I think that's where sometimes the
overgiving becomes involved forthe grandparent that lives long
distance.
They just want to send things tofeel more connected.
You can send letters, you cansend pictures, you can send
little love notes.
It doesn't always have to be atangible item.
Yeah.
You have had this Gagasisterhood for so long, and
(19:42):
everyone gets together andchats.
I would love to hear from you ifyou can bring to the top three
or four things that were themain issues that the
grandparents dealt with.
SPEAKER_01 (19:52):
The number one is understanding the parents'
parenting styles.
This is one of the biggestissues.
And in my book, I talk about thefour keys to love your
grandchild's parents.
And it's an acronym, L-O-V-E.
Right.
L's L stands for learn theparent's language.
(20:15):
And that's basically how are youparenting?
I want to know more about it.
Tell me more.
What can I read?
That's one of the big issuesthat came up.
The other thing is own yourshared purpose.
Envy of the other grandparents.
The other grandparents isanother big issue.
I think that the O is own yourshared purpose.
(20:38):
So not only do you have a sharedpurpose with the parents, but
you have a shared purpose withthe other grandparents.
And they may have more moneythan you, they may have more
goodies than you.
But figure out what you're bestat, then be proud of it, build
that up as much as you can.
And then with the othergrandparents, acknowledge them
(21:01):
and then think to yourself isn'tmy grandchild lucky to have so
many grandparents who love him.
And that helps with the rivalry,which is another big issue.
SPEAKER_00 (21:12):
We're on, we did L-O-V.
SPEAKER_01 (21:15):
And V stands for value the parents' hard work.
And we talked a little bit aboutacknowledging how hard they
work.
And I think that's another thingthat grandmas would say, I can't
believe how much she does forthis child.
You can't say it that way.
You have to say how wonderfulthat you're doing everything you
can.
And I love the way you teachyour child manners or I love
(21:39):
something specific.
Value their hard work andacknowledge it.
The E is the most important.
It's simply stands forempathize.
Empathize, empathize, empathize.
This is something I learned frommy daughter, who's a therapist.
She said, Mom, I don't want youradvice.
I just want you to understand.
I want you to listen, and I wantyou to let me vent.
(22:01):
And so sometimes, you know, Itry really hard to remember
that.
And I'll say, Oh, that must beso hard.
And that feels so inadequate tome.
But that's all she wants.
It's so amazing when she says,Oh gosh, you know, I I've stayed
up all night doing this.
And I'll say, Oh gosh, that youmust be exhausted.
(22:23):
Or tell me more.
That's another good one.
Tell me more.
SPEAKER_00 (22:27):
So many people have said these things on other
episodes just about relationshipwith adult kids.
So it's the same thing.
I think for me, the hardestthing is they are their own
family.
I am no longer their immediatefamily, and yet I feel like
they're my immediate family.
That's a hard separation that isa lot of work internally.
SPEAKER_01 (22:46):
It is.
And that's what it is.
Exactly.
It's internal work.
One of the things that I thinkis really good is journaling.
I've been journaling since 1976.
I work out a lot of stuff in myjournals.
And then I also believe intherapy.
I think, especially as parentsof adult children, we often need
(23:07):
to talk to a therapist becausethere are just some issues that
are so painful and so hard.
And you just need to talk tosomebody and feel like, yeah,
that is hard.
SPEAKER_00 (23:18):
A mother's love is inexplainable.
And it's just you neverunderstand it.
And it changes as these childrengrow.
No one would have thought beingthe parent of adult children
would be difficult, but reallythere are struggles we all go
through.
SPEAKER_01 (23:32):
You know, I that just I want to put in a plug for
this new book.
My friend it's your kids aregrown.
SPEAKER_00 (23:41):
Parenting 2.0.
SPEAKER_01 (23:43):
And the author is Francine.
Yes, Dr.
Francine Toder.
That's someone I should talk to,I bet.
Yes, you should.
SPEAKER_00 (23:52):
I should.
I've got to get that book.
Yeah, that sounds great.
I will put a link to that in theepisode notes too.
SPEAKER_01 (23:57):
Yeah.
Her book is a primer for how tocommunicate with your adult
children.
I read it and it was so helpful.
I wrote a review for GrandMagazine because I just thought
it was such a valuable book.
SPEAKER_00 (24:10):
Thank you so much.
That sounds really wonderful.
All right.
So I want to get towards the endhere.
Before I do your wrap-up, I toldyou I wanted to do this little
lightning round.
I'm going to ask you a fewquestions and I want quick
answers.
So are you ready?
I'm ready.
Practical takeaways for ourlisteners.
What's the worst mistake a newgrandparent can make?
SPEAKER_01 (24:31):
Not respecting the parents' rules.
You'll lose their trust.
Perfect.
SPEAKER_00 (24:36):
What's the most important thing you can do to
support your adult children asparents?
SPEAKER_01 (24:41):
Validate your children's hard work and be a
team player.
SPEAKER_00 (24:45):
Good job.
In one sentence, what's thesecret to being a beloved
grandparent?
SPEAKER_01 (24:51):
Show up with unconditional love, genuine
interest, and joy withoutjudgment or agenda.
SPEAKER_00 (24:59):
Love it.
Okay.
What's the best way to repairthings if you've overstepped or
said the wrong thing?
SPEAKER_01 (25:05):
I've always joked that you need to learn how to
practice.
I'm so sorry.
Because you're going to need ita lot.
And yeah.
And then, you know, what can Ido to make this better?
SPEAKER_00 (25:17):
Yep.
One thing every grandparentshould stop doing immediately.
SPEAKER_01 (25:22):
Well, it's kind of the title of your show.
unknown (25:24):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (25:26):
Stop giving unsolicited advice unless it's
asked for.
SPEAKER_00 (25:31):
Bite your tongue.
One thing every grandparentshould start doing today.
SPEAKER_01 (25:36):
Listen to your adult children and listen to what
they're thinking and feeling andget to know them.
SPEAKER_00 (25:44):
So important.
You've been so wonderful.
If you want to give us two orthree takeaways that you want
everyone to remember from thisconversation with you, what
would they be?
SPEAKER_01 (25:53):
Number one, the relationship with your adult
children is the most importantrelationship.
So many grandmas go into theirrelationship with their
grandchild and think, oh my God,this is so wonderful.
I even made the mistake ofrushing past my daughter one
time when I went to visit.
SPEAKER_00 (26:11):
You're right.
You're so excited to see thebaby, you forget.
SPEAKER_01 (26:14):
Yeah.
Remember to hug them firstbefore you hug your grandchild.
Okay, number two.
I think learn your adultchildren's values and respect
them.
Then when your adult childcomplains about a problem, say,
tell me more.
I want to understand and refrainfrom being a problem solver.
(26:36):
Sometimes all they want to do isvent.
SPEAKER_00 (26:39):
You're absolutely right.
Thank you so much.
I just want to remind everyoneagain about the Daga Sisterhood
and also about your book, WhenBeing a Grandma Isn't So Grand.
Four Keys to L-O-V-E, YourGrandchild's Parents.
And also that other book we'lltalk about.
This was really short and sweet,and exactly what I wanted for
this.
Donnie, thank you so much foryour time.
(27:01):
It was really terrific.
SPEAKER_01 (27:02):
It was fun, Denise.
I love talking about this, asyou can tell.
SPEAKER_00 (27:06):
I can tell, and you're so good at it.
SPEAKER_01 (27:08):
Thank you.
Thanks.
I've had 22 years of experience.
SPEAKER_00 (27:12):
Right, and I've had five months, so I need your
help.
Thank you.
Well, that's a wrap.
Thank you so much, Donnie.
But you can just tell by the wayshe speaks, her calmness, her
experience.
Me who's been in the grandparentera for five months, and her
who's been there for twodecades.
She offered so much.
I particularly love thelightning round.
(27:33):
And her last little piece ofadvice: don't forget the most
important relationship is withyour adult child.
Don't rush by them to grab thegrandbaby.
Give them a hug too.
And I want to do a shout out tomy audio engineer, Connie Gorant
Fisher, who does such awonderful job putting these
together.
And remember, as I said at thebeginning of the episode, if you
love what you're hearing, log onto BiteYourTonguePodcast.com.
(27:56):
Just give us a small donation,five dollars.
Click the support us tab, andyou're all done.
And as time goes on, and untilthe next episode, remember
sometimes you just have to biteyour tongue.
The relationship with your adult children is the
most important relationship.
So many grandmas go into theirrelationship with their
grandchild and think, oh my god,this is so wonderful.
I even made the mistake ofrushing past my daughter one
time when I went to visit.
Remember to hug them firstbefore you hug your grandchild.
SPEAKER_00 (00:26):
Hey everyone, welcome to Bite Your Tongue the
Podcast.
Join me, your host, DeniseGorin, as we explore the ins and
outs of building healthyrelationships with our adult
children.
Together we'll speak withexperts, share heartfelt
stories, and get timely advice,addressing topics that matter
most to you.
Get ready to dive deep and learnto build and nurture deep
(00:49):
connections with our adultchildren.
And of course, when to bite ourtongues.
So let's get started.
Hey everyone, welcome back to abrand new episode of Bite Your
Tongue the Podcast.
You should know that lately ourinbox has been buzzing with your
questions, ideas, and lots oflove.
Thank you so much.
(01:09):
We're already working onbringing some great new guests
to answer all the things youcare about most.
But now before we begin, I haveto give a little shout out.
If you listeners out there areliking what you're hearing, we'd
love your support.
Just head tobiteyourtonguepodcast.com, click
the support tab, and for aslittle as five bucks, you can
(01:31):
give us a nod.
If everyone listening did that,we'd be golden.
We might even be able to go tolunch.
All right, let's get rolling.
As some of you know, I justbecame a grandparent.
And when today's guest reachedout about grandparenting wisdom,
I thought, let's do it.
So today we're thrilled towelcome Donnie Davis, founder of
(01:51):
the Gaga Sisterhood, aninternational membership
organization for enthusiasticgrandmas who want to connect,
grow, learn, and share.
Donnie launched the GagaSisterhood in 2003, shortly
after the birth of her firstgrandchild.
Like many new grandmas, she wascompletely gaga.
And I have to say I'm a littlegaga too.
(02:14):
But she also realized she wasn'tthe only one navigating the joys
and challenges of today's moderngrandparenting.
For the past 20 years, she'sbeen inspiring grandmothers.
She's the author of When Being aGrandmother Isn't So Grand: Four
Keys to L-O-V-E, YourGrandparents' Parents, a
practical guide to navigatingthe most common challenges in
(02:36):
grandparent today.
The book is available on Amazon,and we'll put a link to it in
our episode notes.
We're excited to dive into herwisdom on how to balance love,
boundaries, and realisticexpectations while building the
kind of family and relationshipswe want.
Welcome, Donnie.
We're so glad to have you withus.
(02:57):
I'm delighted to be here.
Well, good.
Let's start with your own story.
What I love about having you onabout the whole grandparent
thing is you've been in thetrenches for much longer than a
lot of us newbies.
So you're going to have a lot tooffer.
So what inspired you to createthis whole grandparent, what do
you call it?
Supported organization.
Yeah, organization.
(03:18):
Organization.
And what has surprised you themost of the two decades of
leading it?
SPEAKER_01 (03:24):
Well, what surprised me the most is how universal the
problems are for all grandmas,no matter where they're from,
whether they're from anothercountry, whether they're from a
different background, it'salways the same problems.
Like the parenting rules arevery different than when we were
parents.
The gifts, you got to be verycareful of the gifts.
(03:48):
Food is a big issue, sleep isdifferent, and boundaries.
They're all things that nomatter who you are as a grandma,
you're most likely going toexperience these.
And the other thing that wasreally surprising to me is that
there's a difference betweenbeing a maternal grandma and
being a paternal grandma.
(04:10):
Now that's a generalization.
SPEAKER_00 (04:12):
I would love you to share a little more about that
because I have a son and adaughter.
My daughter's the one with thechild.
And I've said to people, I thinkit must be really different when
it's your daughter versus yourson.
So share a little bit aboutthat.
SPEAKER_01 (04:24):
The bond between the mother and daughter is very
strong.
I think that maternal grandmasdo have some advantage in that
respect.
But if you get lucky and you'rea paternal grandma and you have
a wonderful daughter-in-law likeI do, she includes you in
everything and you feel like youhave a good relationship.
(04:44):
But often the daughter-in-lawscan be really difficult.
I just was responding to agrandma today who wrote to me,
pouring her heart out about whata horrible daughter-in-law she
has.
And she says, you know, usuallythe jokes are about the
mother-in-law, but she says thisdaughter-in-law is just cruel
and mean and leaves her out.
(05:06):
And there's often a lot youcan't do about that.
SPEAKER_00 (05:08):
Yeah, you probably can't.
I think everything I've learnedfrom doing these interviews is
you have to look inside yourselftoo.
If you have this feeling thatyour daughter-in-law is being
very cruel or keeping you out,you need to figure out what some
of your actions are too.
What could you be doing thatcould be contributing to this
and trying to come to a uhmiddle ground, I guess.
(05:29):
I never think it's one-sided.
And yet I'm sure in manyinstances it is.
SPEAKER_01 (05:33):
I would agree.
A lot of times grandmas trytheir hardest, but they're just
dealt a bad hand, like to say.
SPEAKER_00 (05:40):
Well, you talk in your book, and I mentioned your
book in the intro, and I'llmention it again at the end, but
getting off on the right foot.
Your daughter or your son'sabout to have a baby, maybe it
differs in each case.
What are the steps a newgrandparent should take to get
off on the right foot?
SPEAKER_01 (05:54):
Remember that communication is the key.
Learn how to be a goodcommunicator and especially a
good listener.
So ideally, you would sit downbefore the new baby arrives and
say, I'm so excited to become agrandma.
And I'm just curious, like, howdo you see me in this role?
(06:16):
That would be the first thing.
The second would be here's myexpectations of what I would
love.
I would love to be able to visitonce a week.
I would love to babysit.
I really want to be engaged andinvolved in your lives and start
with that.
And then what are yourexpectations?
How do you see me being in thisrole?
SPEAKER_00 (06:37):
You know, yeah, the second person that said that,
and I just want to discuss thisa little bit, because I don't
think the parents to be knowexactly what they want.
No.
When you typically say, I'd liketo be involved, the response
tends to be, oh, we really wantyou involved.
We can't wait for you to beinvolved.
And all of a sudden you hearthat and you act on it.
It's like, whoa, you're here toomuch, or you're saying too much,
(07:00):
or maybe you need to go homenow.
So I'm not 100% sure they knowwhat they want.
SPEAKER_01 (07:06):
You're right.
And they may want something andthen change their mind because
the whole process is just it'sgrowth.
Remember when you were a parentand you were so excited because
you're in this rhythm andeverything was going so well,
and then all of a sudden itchanged?
SPEAKER_00 (07:22):
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
At three months, six months,nine months, and twelve months.
SPEAKER_01 (07:26):
Yeah.
Everything changes.
And the same thing happens withparents.
They say, Oh, we don't want youaround so much.
And then all of a sudden itbecomes overwhelming.
They say, Well, you know, maybewe'd like you to babysit more
often.
Or it could go the other way, orthey say, We're getting a little
bit too much in our lives.
I don't know, you know, if theywould actually say that.
(07:48):
But you have to really, I think,be such a good nuanced listener
to pick up cues because a lot oftimes there's some unspoken
stuff that is just toouncomfortable to say.
And you have to watch for thosecues.
SPEAKER_00 (08:04):
And I think, particularly in my situation and
my parents' situation when mykids were young, they lived
somewhere else.
So when they came to visit, thetime is so intense.
And I think that's so muchharder because you want to
embrace this time, but you don'twant to step on their toes.
It's a very difficult kind ofvisit.
Whereas if they can call, canyou come over for an hour?
(08:27):
It's a much more relaxedexperience and relaxed
relationship.
SPEAKER_01 (08:32):
It is.
But you know, you make the bestof what you have.
That's what I say.
Don't wish for something thatyou can't have.
Yeah.
Be happy with what you have andmake the best of it and figure
out what's the most creative wayto spend this time.
The thing that I think is hardis when the parents come to
visit you and they want to seetheir old friends when they're
(08:54):
visiting.
And then you have to share them.
That's challenging.
SPEAKER_00 (08:58):
Yeah, that's challenging too.
I also wonder as we're talkingabout this, everyone talked
about their parents when theyhad kids.
I complained about my mother.
I complained about mymother-in-law.
But I look back and I think,gosh, they were actually pretty
doggone good.
I don't remember them eversaying, you should feed your
baby this or you should put yourbaby down now.
They didn't seem to strugglewith these things like we do.
(09:20):
Do you think because the changesare greater?
SPEAKER_01 (09:22):
Definitely.
SPEAKER_00 (09:23):
Definitely.
Definitely.
SPEAKER_01 (09:24):
Because I think we were probably more similar to
our parents in parenting stylesthan our children are.
I was fascinated and a littlejudgmental when I became a
grandma and I saw that mydaughter was embracing this
attachment parenting.
And I had never heard of itbefore, but she was carrying the
(09:46):
baby around 24-7 in a Moby wrapand sleeping with the baby.
And I thought, oh my gosh, nowonder you're tired.
But I didn't say anything.
I was very good about trying notto be judgmental.
What I tell parents is pretendyou're an anthropologist and
you're studying this newculture, and it's so fascinating
(10:09):
to you because it's sodifferent.
And then ask questions in acurious but not judgmental way
because a lot of it's going tobe so different.
SPEAKER_00 (10:18):
I love this.
So walk me through this.
And I've talked to two differentcouples about this.
One pediatrician says, thebaby's in your room till six
months, another pediatriciansays, keep your baby in the room
for a year.
How would I approach this if Isaw my daughter or my son-in-law
or my son really tired?
The baby's in the room all thetime.
They're not getting any timetogether.
(10:40):
How would an anthropologist talkabout this?
SPEAKER_01 (10:43):
Again, lead with curiosity.
Wow, you know, you lookexhausted.
How are you sleeping?
And then wait to see what theysay.
Oh my God, the baby in our roomis just getting really old.
Oh, what makes you think youneed to keep the baby in the
room?
What are your parenting theorieson that?
(11:05):
Listen to what they have to say,but don't say, Oh, yeah, you
know, you should follow thattheory.
Right.
I think you just have to refrainfrom offering advice and they
have to figure it outthemselves.
I call them the team captains.
They set the rules, you respectthem.
If they don't seem to look likethey're doing well, well,
(11:29):
sometimes you just have to letthem suffer the consequences.
I really think that's betterthan saying, Oh, have you
thought about moving the babyinto their own room?
SPEAKER_00 (11:38):
How about when they get older and their little brats
come over, they have no manners,they're talking back to their
parents, they're yelling attheir parents, you don't say a
word.
You say, Oh, I love having them.
SPEAKER_01 (11:49):
I think that when they're in your house, that you
can say, you know what, ingrandma's house, we don't touch
things that are on the shelves.
Or in grandma's house, we sitquietly at the table.
SPEAKER_00 (12:04):
If you're visiting their house, so you're from out
of town and you're visitingtheir house and you see this
disarray of you just have to zipit.
SPEAKER_01 (12:12):
I think so.
You can certainly try, see whathappens.
SPEAKER_00 (12:17):
Well, I don't think you should try.
You may never be invited back.
So I'm not sure that's the best.
Maybe in the backyard whenyou're with the child by
themselves, you can sit down.
SPEAKER_01 (12:25):
Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (12:26):
My mother used to do the best job.
We'd sit at the table, and itwas kind of her thing to do
manners with the kids.
And it was so great.
And they think back and theyremember Nana saying, strong and
able, no elbow.
I love that she just took overand did it because they listened
to her more than they were goingto listen to me.
SPEAKER_01 (12:42):
When it comes to manners, hopefully you have them
in your house, and then you cansay, these are the ways that we
like to sit at the table.
We like to keep our elbows offthe table, or we like to use
this spoon, or we don't have ourhands in the food.
You can do all that when theyget a little bit older.
You know what?
Be a good role model.
(13:03):
And then I always say, if youcatch them doing something that
you think is right, oh, I lovethe way you're just sitting so
quietly at the table.
SPEAKER_00 (13:13):
If someone has a meltdown, the four-year-old has
a meltdown, you don't sayanything, you let the parent
handle it, I would assume.
SPEAKER_01 (13:20):
Unless the parent really looks like they're
struggling, and you could say,I'm here if you need me.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Offer your help and say, I'mhere if you need me.
You know, another thing would beto say, maybe afterward, wow,
that looks so hard.
What is that like for you?
Parents love to vent.
(13:40):
They don't want your advice,they just want you to hear them.
They want you to hear thesuffering.
That's why I say it's soimportant to listen to what
parents have to say and to say,oh gosh, that wow, that
meltdown.
How do you that's so hard tohandle?
What do you do in thatsituation?
SPEAKER_00 (13:59):
Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea too.
I would be more apt to say, youhandled that so well.
SPEAKER_01 (14:04):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (14:04):
You know, because I feel like anytime you give a
compliment, oh, what a greatjob.
SPEAKER_01 (14:09):
And I think the compliments should be very
specific.
Like, I really love the way youpicked up the baby and soothed
her when she was having such ahard time.
SPEAKER_00 (14:19):
Yeah, yeah.
Rather than just you did a goodjob.
I loved how much love you wereable to give that baby.
That's really important.
That's really important.
Observe and and then reflect.
Right.
Now, one thing I really want toget into, and you brought this
up at the beginning, is theovergiving.
Every day a package arrives fromgrandma and grandpa, you show up
with all this stuff.
What's your advice on that?
SPEAKER_01 (14:40):
That's part of the conversation in the beginning.
This is what I would say.
I've heard that a lot ofgrandparents give the wrong
gifts.
I don't want to be guilty ofthat.
What's your thinking on what doyou want me to give?
Experiences or certain kinds oftoys or nothing at all?
Give me a list or tell me what'sthe best way to give my
(15:02):
grandchild presents.
SPEAKER_00 (15:04):
Yeah, I love that.
And that's kind of what I'vebeen doing.
But I'll be in a store and I'llsee the cutest little sweater
and I'll say, Oh, this wouldlook so cute on him.
And then I think, well, you knowwhat?
I don't want it to go to waste.
Sometimes I'll take a pictureand say, Is this something that
seems cute to you?
But yeah, that's good.
I feel like my hands are tied tohave any fun.
Does that make sense?
(15:25):
Well, how old is your grandson?
My grandson's only five monthsold.
Okay.
Yes.
Fun hasn't even started.
I know, I know.
But I just mean one.
It's the first time I can walkinto a baby store for so many
years and look at cute things.
That kind of fun.
Recently I had a conversationabout how would you feel if I
got them a good wintersnowsuits?
And she said, Well, I'm going toa used clothing sale next week.
(15:47):
Let me let you know what I get.
So I just left it.
SPEAKER_01 (15:50):
What I heard when you just said was a very common
thing that millennials reallywant to be conscientious about
the environment.
Right.
They don't want stuff.
They want to reuse.
It's I think bargain hunting atthrift stores has become really
popular.
SPEAKER_00 (16:09):
And yet I find with my friends, some love it and
some never want it.
I have a friend, I think this isthe most fabulous idea.
And she has eight grandchildren,and she has one granddaughter
that's eight or nine.
She'll go to Goodwill and she'llput 10 outfits together for this
little girl.
She'll wash them and iron themand put them all together and
cost her 20 bucks.
(16:30):
My friend also said she didn'twant the grandchild to think she
was out spending all this money.
She was getting seven outfits.
So she wanted to explain to herwhat she was doing and how she
was reusing.
And she's got such style shecould put it together.
Now, we did talk about livingfar away.
What are your best suggestionsfor grandparents that do live
far away as they're developingrelationships with their
(16:51):
grandchildren?
SPEAKER_01 (16:52):
I want to recommend a fabulous resource.
It's called The Long DistanceGrandparent.
That's the name of the website.
The founder is Carrie,K-E-R-R-Y, Byrne, B-Y-R-N-E.
She has the Grandparent Society.
It's a membership organizationand she has monthly seminars on
(17:15):
Zoom for the members.
And she has all kinds ofresources and ways to stay
connected long distance.
She also talks about how hard itis to be a long-distance
grandparent and how there's somegrief involved because it's not
what you'd expected.
I grew up with my grandparents15 minutes away, and I had both
(17:36):
my grandmas in my life until Iwas 40.
But then my husband and I, whenI was seven months pregnant,
moved to Southern California.
We all lived in NorthernCalifornia and husband and I
moved to Southern.
Right when they were about tobecome grandparents, I had no
idea how hard this would be.
SPEAKER_00 (17:54):
Donnie, I know when we picked this day for the
recording, you said there wassomething really special about
this day for you.
What makes September 23rd aspecial day for you?
SPEAKER_01 (18:03):
It's my grandma Amelia's birthday.
She was in my life until I was40 and she died when she was 93.
She was my playmate when I wasgrowing up and my role model for
being a grandma.
I loved her so much, and wespent so much time together.
She and I took a trip across theUnited States by train when I
(18:24):
graduated from high school, allthe way to New York and all the
way back with stops in between.
Isn't that wonderful?
She was my playmate.
I love sleeping over at herhouse on the weekends.
My expectations were like, oh,I'm going to have a relationship
like my grandma and I did.
But I do think that there arelots of ways that you can stay
(18:46):
connected.
The key, again, is are yourchildren going to help you stay
engaged?
Because that's what it takes.
I Zoom with my granddaughter,who's down in Southern
California, every Sunday.
And we started this during thepandemic.
And it's because her mother isreally keen on us getting
(19:07):
together and me having arelationship with her.
You need the parents, especiallywhen they're young.
But you know, there's a lot ofways to stay connected with
long-distance grandchildren.
Look at that website becauseit's got some great ideas on it.
SPEAKER_00 (19:21):
Well, and I think that's where sometimes the
overgiving becomes involved forthe grandparent that lives long
distance.
They just want to send things tofeel more connected.
You can send letters, you cansend pictures, you can send
little love notes.
It doesn't always have to be atangible item.
Yeah.
You have had this Gagasisterhood for so long, and
(19:42):
everyone gets together andchats.
I would love to hear from you ifyou can bring to the top three
or four things that were themain issues that the
grandparents dealt with.
SPEAKER_01 (19:52):
The number one is understanding the parents'
parenting styles.
This is one of the biggestissues.
And in my book, I talk about thefour keys to love your
grandchild's parents.
And it's an acronym, L-O-V-E.
Right.
L's L stands for learn theparent's language.
(20:15):
And that's basically how are youparenting?
I want to know more about it.
Tell me more.
What can I read?
That's one of the big issuesthat came up.
The other thing is own yourshared purpose.
Envy of the other grandparents.
The other grandparents isanother big issue.
I think that the O is own yourshared purpose.
(20:38):
So not only do you have a sharedpurpose with the parents, but
you have a shared purpose withthe other grandparents.
And they may have more moneythan you, they may have more
goodies than you.
But figure out what you're bestat, then be proud of it, build
that up as much as you can.
And then with the othergrandparents, acknowledge them
(21:01):
and then think to yourself isn'tmy grandchild lucky to have so
many grandparents who love him.
And that helps with the rivalry,which is another big issue.
SPEAKER_00 (21:12):
We're on, we did L-O-V.
SPEAKER_01 (21:15):
And V stands for value the parents' hard work.
And we talked a little bit aboutacknowledging how hard they
work.
And I think that's another thingthat grandmas would say, I can't
believe how much she does forthis child.
You can't say it that way.
You have to say how wonderfulthat you're doing everything you
can.
And I love the way you teachyour child manners or I love
(21:39):
something specific.
Value their hard work andacknowledge it.
The E is the most important.
It's simply stands forempathize.
Empathize, empathize, empathize.
This is something I learned frommy daughter, who's a therapist.
She said, Mom, I don't want youradvice.
I just want you to understand.
I want you to listen, and I wantyou to let me vent.
(22:01):
And so sometimes, you know, Itry really hard to remember
that.
And I'll say, Oh, that must beso hard.
And that feels so inadequate tome.
But that's all she wants.
It's so amazing when she says,Oh gosh, you know, I I've stayed
up all night doing this.
And I'll say, Oh gosh, that youmust be exhausted.
(22:23):
Or tell me more.
That's another good one.
Tell me more.
SPEAKER_00 (22:27):
So many people have said these things on other
episodes just about relationshipwith adult kids.
So it's the same thing.
I think for me, the hardestthing is they are their own
family.
I am no longer their immediatefamily, and yet I feel like
they're my immediate family.
That's a hard separation that isa lot of work internally.
SPEAKER_01 (22:46):
It is.
And that's what it is.
Exactly.
It's internal work.
One of the things that I thinkis really good is journaling.
I've been journaling since 1976.
I work out a lot of stuff in myjournals.
And then I also believe intherapy.
I think, especially as parentsof adult children, we often need
(23:07):
to talk to a therapist becausethere are just some issues that
are so painful and so hard.
And you just need to talk tosomebody and feel like, yeah,
that is hard.
SPEAKER_00 (23:18):
A mother's love is inexplainable.
And it's just you neverunderstand it.
And it changes as these childrengrow.
No one would have thought beingthe parent of adult children
would be difficult, but reallythere are struggles we all go
through.
SPEAKER_01 (23:32):
You know, I that just I want to put in a plug for
this new book.
My friend it's your kids aregrown.
SPEAKER_00 (23:41):
Parenting 2.0.
SPEAKER_01 (23:43):
And the author is Francine.
Yes, Dr.
Francine Toder.
That's someone I should talk to,I bet.
Yes, you should.
SPEAKER_00 (23:52):
I should.
I've got to get that book.
Yeah, that sounds great.
I will put a link to that in theepisode notes too.
SPEAKER_01 (23:57):
Yeah.
Her book is a primer for how tocommunicate with your adult
children.
I read it and it was so helpful.
I wrote a review for GrandMagazine because I just thought
it was such a valuable book.
SPEAKER_00 (24:10):
Thank you so much.
That sounds really wonderful.
All right.
So I want to get towards the endhere.
Before I do your wrap-up, I toldyou I wanted to do this little
lightning round.
I'm going to ask you a fewquestions and I want quick
answers.
So are you ready?
I'm ready.
Practical takeaways for ourlisteners.
What's the worst mistake a newgrandparent can make?
SPEAKER_01 (24:31):
Not respecting the parents' rules.
You'll lose their trust.
Perfect.
SPEAKER_00 (24:36):
What's the most important thing you can do to
support your adult children asparents?
SPEAKER_01 (24:41):
Validate your children's hard work and be a
team player.
SPEAKER_00 (24:45):
Good job.
In one sentence, what's thesecret to being a beloved
grandparent?
SPEAKER_01 (24:51):
Show up with unconditional love, genuine
interest, and joy withoutjudgment or agenda.
SPEAKER_00 (24:59):
Love it.
Okay.
What's the best way to repairthings if you've overstepped or
said the wrong thing?
SPEAKER_01 (25:05):
I've always joked that you need to learn how to
practice.
I'm so sorry.
Because you're going to need ita lot.
And yeah.
And then, you know, what can Ido to make this better?
SPEAKER_00 (25:17):
Yep.
One thing every grandparentshould stop doing immediately.
SPEAKER_01 (25:22):
Well, it's kind of the title of your show.
unknown (25:24):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (25:26):
Stop giving unsolicited advice unless it's
asked for.
SPEAKER_00 (25:31):
Bite your tongue.
One thing every grandparentshould start doing today.
SPEAKER_01 (25:36):
Listen to your adult children and listen to what
they're thinking and feeling andget to know them.
SPEAKER_00 (25:44):
So important.
You've been so wonderful.
If you want to give us two orthree takeaways that you want
everyone to remember from thisconversation with you, what
would they be?
SPEAKER_01 (25:53):
Number one, the relationship with your adult
children is the most importantrelationship.
So many grandmas go into theirrelationship with their
grandchild and think, oh my God,this is so wonderful.
I even made the mistake ofrushing past my daughter one
time when I went to visit.
SPEAKER_00 (26:11):
You're right.
You're so excited to see thebaby, you forget.
SPEAKER_01 (26:14):
Yeah.
Remember to hug them firstbefore you hug your grandchild.
Okay, number two.
I think learn your adultchildren's values and respect
them.
Then when your adult childcomplains about a problem, say,
tell me more.
I want to understand and refrainfrom being a problem solver.
(26:36):
Sometimes all they want to do isvent.
SPEAKER_00 (26:39):
You're absolutely right.
Thank you so much.
I just want to remind everyoneagain about the Daga Sisterhood
and also about your book, WhenBeing a Grandma Isn't So Grand.
Four Keys to L-O-V-E, YourGrandchild's Parents.
And also that other book we'lltalk about.
This was really short and sweet,and exactly what I wanted for
this.
Donnie, thank you so much foryour time.
(27:01):
It was really terrific.
SPEAKER_01 (27:02):
It was fun, Denise.
I love talking about this, asyou can tell.
SPEAKER_00 (27:06):
I can tell, and you're so good at it.
SPEAKER_01 (27:08):
Thank you.
Thanks.
I've had 22 years of experience.
SPEAKER_00 (27:12):
Right, and I've had five months, so I need your
help.
Thank you.
Well, that's a wrap.
Thank you so much, Donnie.
But you can just tell by the wayshe speaks, her calmness, her
experience.
Me who's been in the grandparentera for five months, and her
who's been there for twodecades.
She offered so much.
I particularly love thelightning round.
(27:33):
And her last little piece ofadvice: don't forget the most
important relationship is withyour adult child.
Don't rush by them to grab thegrandbaby.
Give them a hug too.
And I want to do a shout out tomy audio engineer, Connie Gorant
Fisher, who does such awonderful job putting these
together.
And remember, as I said at thebeginning of the episode, if you
love what you're hearing, log onto BiteYourTonguePodcast.com.
(27:56):
Just give us a small donation,five dollars.
Click the support us tab, andyou're all done.
And as time goes on, and untilthe next episode, remember
sometimes you just have to biteyour tongue.
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