November 12, 2024 • 32 mins
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The weight of the world feels heavier than ever, especially for women of color navigating consulting and entrepreneurship. But what happens when betrayal doesn’t come from outside forces, but from within your own circle or professional community?
In this episode, we explore the complex emotions tied to cultural betrayal and collective trauma, and how they impact your ability to thrive in business. If you’ve been feeling disillusioned, frustrated, or even stuck, this conversation is exactly what you need to regain clarity, build resilience, and move forward boldly. Tune in and discover how to show up for yourself, your business, and your community—no matter what.
***Subscribe and share this episode to inspire others to join this supportive and transformative conversation.***
For more information, visit https://excelatconsulting.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and welcome back to the Black Girls Console
2 podcast.
If you've been tuning in withme over the start of this
miniseries, I'm not goingthrough all of the normal fluff
with the introduction because Iam, let's just be honest, not
really feeling it right now andI want us to just get into it
(00:21):
and our first episode in partone.
We were talking a lot aboutwhat has recently been going on
here in the US with theelections and all of the
emotions that have been high.
We've talked about what itmeans to experience a collective
trauma and the stages of griefthat many of us are working
through, myself included.
(00:41):
One of the things that was veryinteresting to me is how people
were receiving that particularepisode and then how they're
just navigating naturallythrough the grief process.
So I decided that I wanted togo online on my Instagram
account and just put somefeelings out there, try and see
(01:02):
what people were actuallyfeeling and thinking and get
them to verbalize that.
But then also I did a littlebit of just scrolling and
watching.
I wouldn't necessarily say Iwas doom scrolling, I was
scrolling with the purposeonline, but I just wanted to see
what some of the conversationswere on TikTok or Instagram and
LinkedIn, and notice the vastdifferences between the
(01:24):
platforms where you would go forpeople being raw and authentic
on a platform like TikTok, togoing to LinkedIn and everything
being somewhat sugar-coated, Iwould say, or made to seem as if
none of this had occurred,although evidently is playing a
major role when it comes to howmany of us feel, think and are
(01:45):
acting in this present moment.
I even had people mention to methat they felt like the world
was just so heavy right now theywere having difficulty focusing
and getting things done.
Last week was just verynon-productive or unproductive,
I should rather say.
So what I wanted to take timeto do today, in this particular
episode, as we move through thisseries, is to talk about this
(02:09):
concept, as I started toresearch and try to figure out
what is really happening here,like what is happening and how
can we begin to move past thispoint so that, no matter what is
coming our way, we're able tobe successful in the midst of
that.
There's so much that we'regoing to be learning that we're
learning currently and that willchange the way that our world
(02:31):
looks as we move forward, andit's our responsibility, I feel,
to take part in that change, tobegin to shape it into what we
want to see.
We cannot bury our heads in thesand, bury our hands in the
sand, and although we'renavigating through a lot of
different emotional stages andphases of the grief process and
(02:51):
everything that comes with it, Ido also want to better
understand what other things arecausing a lot of our feelings
right now and a lot of whatwe're going through.
One of the comments that I gotmost frequently on my story
pretty much they all gave thisparticular tone, which was you
(03:16):
know, I don't understand howthis happened.
I feel betrayed.
I feel like I can't trustanyone that does not look like
me, and this was especially truewith Black women and Black men,
because I also have men thatfollow me as well and follow and
listen to this podcast.
So this right here I wasthinking I was like, oh gosh,
(03:37):
like I didn't really expectpeople to ask me questions about
betrayal.
I was more so thinking theywere worried about some aspect
of how they would be able to runtheir business or land clients,
etc.
But a lot of the discussion wasaround this immense hurt that
people felt, because they feltas if they had been betrayed.
(03:58):
And when I was thinking aboutthis whole aspect of betrayal in
consulting and business andentrepreneurship.
I was led to do some researchbecause I really wanted to see
are we overreacting or is theresomething really to this?
And as I began to dig deeperand read more, there were some
interesting things that Ithought stood out stood out, one
(04:27):
being that, whether you'refamiliar or not, there's a whole
concept that exists aroundbetrayal trauma.
So in order to betterunderstand what betrayal trauma
really means, you have tounderstand just the traditional
model for trauma.
When we think about trauma,traditionally, we think about
ourselves having defenses.
We have a defense system,naturally meaning we try to
(04:50):
protect ourselves.
We try to protect ourselvesfrom any harm that may come our
way, but despite having thatprotection and that defense, we
may still experience thattraumatic event.
The difference when you'rethinking about betrayal trauma
is that an individual has letdown their guard to some extent,
(05:11):
so that outer barrier, thatouter defense that is typically
there, is not fully sealed.
Typically, when we think aboutbetrayal trauma.
This is something that I wantus to relate to the types of
betrayals that may occur betweena parent and child or a
relative and a family member.
(05:32):
These are situations where youhave an individual who normally
would have their defenses up,but because they have trust in a
particular individual basedupon the relationship they built
, they've let that guard downsomewhat.
This can also happen inbusiness.
This is not just in family.
Maybe it's a partner in thebusiness that you're creating
(05:54):
and because you have been close,you let your guard down to some
extent.
That puts you at risk for harm.
And so with betrayal trauma inthis theory it does
contextualize the trauma ofinterpersonal relationships
where there is trust ordependency Like I said, with the
(06:17):
parent dependency, even withthe business partner, dependency
and trust and when that'sbroken that level of hurt and
trauma is significant.
That betrayal trauma is realbecause this is a person that I
thought I could trust, this issomeone I thought would do the
right thing.
That's what we think about whenwe think about betrayal trauma.
(06:38):
But it can expand beyond that.
But when you expand beyond thatand you get to cultural
betrayal, this is a situationwhere it's no longer between two
individuals, it's no longerinterpersonal and it actually
begins to affect and traumatizea whole group.
So if you have a particularcultural minority that is found
(07:04):
to be uniquely vulnerablebecause maybe, although they
have their defense systems up.
Although they have a center ofprotection by staying and
grouping together either with acommon mindset or a common
background, whatever thesociocultural context is for
their grouping, they are at riskof trauma that may occur from
(07:31):
the inside, meaning thatsomebody who is part of that
group or persons that are partof that group actually violate
that trust and allows for thereto be trauma to the group as a
whole.
So this is really true when itcomes to ethnic minorities.
(07:52):
So when it comes to us as Blackfolk, when it comes to us as
women of color, when it comes tous who align with any of those
things, it happens definitely asa result of the societal trauma
of racism, and one of thethings that played out in this
election was the what many feelthe obvious racism and sexism
(08:15):
and misogyny that was present.
Those are things that werehighlighted as threats.
So when the election occurredand people voted certain ways,
for some people myself included,and definitely from those who
have reached out to me onInstagram and were able to share
their thoughts and expresstheir feelings the issue was
(08:38):
with how did this happen?
How did these people betray meor us?
Because that guard was let down.
There was a certain level oftrust that existed within the
group that they were in, becausethey felt alignment.
They felt that they werealigned on core values, on core
(08:58):
beliefs, and, although we maycome from different backgrounds,
there was this belief that wewere all on the same page.
So when that trust was brokenfrom the inside, it had nothing
to do with what people knew tobe true of those who were not
part of their collective, butthe people within that
collective they assumed hadsimilar goals and desires, had
(09:23):
similar goals and desires, andso for that to be vastly
different than what theybelieved could lead to this
feeling of cultural betrayal.
And so a lot of what we'reworking through right now is
just like I gave, the example ofthe partner in business that
the person was working with, andhow that breakdown can occur
(09:43):
and result in the type ofinterpersonal trauma and issues
that can occur.
We're dealing with this on amuch larger scale, and so when I
was thinking about what peoplewere commenting on Instagram
through my response to thequestions I was posing, I really
(10:04):
do feel like they were not justexpressing frustration and
anger that someone thought orviewed things differently.
They were expressing the factthat this is an individual.
These are individuals, rather,that we felt were on the same
page, fighting for the samecause and aligned with our core
(10:27):
values and beliefs.
And now to know that is nottrue or to believe that is not
true is what is causing so muchdisappointment and stress, and
also it creates a sense ofanxiety, because then you're
trying to figure out who you cantrust whether or not you're
trying to figure out who you cantrust whether or not you're in
(10:52):
a safe space.
How do you navigate that nowthat what you believe to be a
safe space is no longerproviding the safety that you
thought you had?
That's what a lot of people aregoing through right now,
whether you are in a mastermindor a group coaching program or
in school or in business orpursuing whatever endeavor where
you're in a group setting andyou thought you were in a group
(11:14):
setting with a number of peoplewho were on the same page with
you.
Tonight I'll find that may notbe the case.
It's eye-opening, it's hurtful,it's frustrating, it produces
anger and rage, it leads youthrough that whole grief spiral,
and so when we think about thislevel of trauma that has
(11:40):
occurred, we know that we don'twant to stay there.
We know we have to move pastthat because we can't sit in a
space.
Because number one it'sactually not new when you look
back at history there have beenmany successful women
professionals, consultants,entrepreneurs, et cetera over
(12:02):
time when things were much worsethan they are currently.
So we know that success isstill possible.
We know that we can stillachieve the goals that we set
out to achieve.
But now we just have to do it alittle different.
But in order to get to thatpoint as we talked about that
grief cycle going through denial, anger, bargaining, depression
(12:22):
and then acceptance in order toget to that acceptance point
where you can stand and be verystrengthened and ready to move
forward, in order to get to thatpoint, you have to heal or
begin the healing process fromthe betrayal that you feel
existed, especially if this iswhat many are feeling today.
(12:43):
So one of the things that Ithought was interesting when I
started to dig a little bitfurther into how we get to that
point is the fact that usually,when we think about these
stressful events, many of usjust want to check out.
As a matter of fact, if you goonline right now, there's so
many posts about how Black women, especially, are going to just
(13:05):
sit back and chill and just leteverything play out, get their
popcorn and watch it happen.
And I get it, number one.
A lot of things that we sayhave a slight comic relief to
them.
I always like to say you haveto laugh to keep them crying at
times.
So I get it.
I get the fact that definitelysome of this is just turning the
(13:26):
pain into something that ismanageable and overcoming these
challenges with laughter and joy.
There's also some truth to itin that people are feeling as if
they want nothing to do withthe system and the people that
caused this harm and becausethey want nothing to do with
them, they want to removethemselves from the greater
(13:52):
grouping and focus on the peoplethat they know love and trust,
making sure that they are okay,that they are strengthened, that
they know love and trust,making sure that they are okay,
that they are strengthened, thatthey are thriving, and let that
be their goal.
But what I want to say is thatwe still have work to do outside
of our close-knit circles andin order for us to do that work,
(14:14):
we have to think about waysthat we can overcome and manage
and be resilient in the presenceof some of these traumas that
are existing now or that mayrear its head from time to time
as we move forward.
Now, one of the things Ithought was interesting is that,
when we think about how weovercome difficult moments, most
people talk about relaxationand getting away and really
(14:39):
allowing yourself to de-stress.
But let me tell you right now,most of you are likely, like me,
thinking that a spa day is notgoing to fix this.
This is not a spa day solution.
It's not a spa day solution.
This is, instead, is a way forus to build coping mechanisms
(15:03):
and build and strengthen ourresilience so that we can
continue to move forward.
And what that means is that wehave to also think about how we
do this in a way that besthonors our cultural background
and the things that have beeneffective and shown to be
effective over time for thosewho are minorities or facing
this collective trauma that I'mmentioning.
(15:24):
So, while we have to definitelypractice trying to take in some
downtime and protect our mindand protect our hearts, have to
think a little bit beyond thatand begin to explore how we can
(15:45):
turn this trauma narrative intosomething that allows us to
number one speak our truth, butthen also turn it into something
positive, because the more wecan lean into that, the better
we're going to feel, the morewe're going to be able to
process what has occurred andturn that into messaging that is
(16:07):
helpful for not just forourselves, but for others.
And then it begins to allow usnot to be so triggered by the
events that may come in thefuture, because part of what
often triggers us in these timesis that we feel like we don't
have control, and what I want usto know is that we do have
(16:28):
control.
You have control over yourdestiny.
You have control over yourbusiness.
You have control over yourability to be a masterful
standout consultant in yourspace.
You have control over that, andso, although you've experienced
this very unfortunate event andyou may feel as if this is
(16:51):
going to keep you marginalizedforever, it does not have to be
so, and nor do you have to fightto the point of exhaustion.
So a lot of what we want to dois talk about how we begin to
not only build resilience, butthen also how do we enhance our
(17:14):
safety so that you can begin toregulate your nervous system
just a little bit and feel moreat ease to do the work that
you've been called to do.
One of the problems when you'reresponding to a very traumatic
situation is that you cannotthink and function clearly.
You're not at your best, and ifyou are not at your best, it's
going to cause a problem in thelong term with regards to how
(17:37):
you are able to grow and evolveover time.
So, although these are likebricks stacked against you, I
want you to recognize that theyare a mere hurdle.
They are not a wall that youcannot go through or that you
cannot navigate through.
They are simply a hurdle, andso, if they are a hurdle, we
(17:58):
have to strengthen ourselves sothat we can jump over it.
Okay, so you're likelywondering I hear all that, but
what do we do Now?
This is where we have to getinto action.
One of the first things that Iwant us to do is to think about
how we can come up with ways tocope with the current situation,
because, in reality, thissituation that will be present
(18:21):
potentially for the next fouryears or even more we have to be
able to cope with that.
We have to be able to functionin spite of that, and so part of
the coping that I want toreally encourage us to do right
now is to think about how wefind ways to de-stress and relax
, meaning taking care ofyourself, taking care of your
(18:43):
mind and your body, physicallyeating well, exercising all
those things are going to beneeded, because you need to keep
your mind and body strong inorder to do the things necessary
to be great at your work.
Then, also looking at a lot ofthe feelings and the words that
we are using and the things thatwe are expressing and allowing
(19:06):
us to assess whether or not manyof these beliefs and thoughts
are true and, if they are true,finding ways to make them most
helpful and, if they are true,finding ways to make them most
helpful.
So, for instance, if you havethe belief that you have to work
(19:28):
twice as hard to get half asfar, that can really evoke an
immense amount of stress, andI'm a believer personally that I
do think that is the case.
Some people may disagree, andthat's fine.
Do think that is the case, somepeople may disagree, and that's
fine.
But if that is something thatyou feel is a truth and a
reality, then the second part ofthat is how do I structure my
life, in my life circumstances,so that I am able to handle the
(19:53):
stress that comes along with it.
It's a matter of preparation.
So is this a situation whereyou're going to lean into your
spirituality and prayer?
Is this a situation whereyou're going to set and
establish specific dates andtimes where you're able to get
away and you're able to nurtureyour spirit?
Are you going to plan to use ifyou're still working and
building your business right nowuse those PTO days so that you
(20:16):
can take off time strategicallyto really provide the level of a
mental break and relaxation tocope with the challenge of being
able to show up that way?
Some of this is just findingcoping mechanisms that help us
navigate where we are currently,and second to that, we need to
be careful not to avoid alluncomfortable situations.
(20:40):
Right, I get it.
When we talk about relaxation,self-care, the knee-jerk
reaction is to close ourselvesoff and protect ourselves, like
I said when we were just talkingabout how we typically build
defenses to protect ourselvesfrom harm.
So that's a natural thing thatwe want to do, but what we don't
want to do is avoid exposure tothose negative elements that
(21:03):
may be present in our society,because when we get into this
aspect of avoidance, what weactually do is we limit our
success only because we'refunctioning in society as it is,
so we have to handle the goodand the bad that comes with that
, and it's not about just beingstrong and toughing it out.
Anyway, I want you to protectyour energy and think about when
(21:25):
you have the energy to do so,when you have the ability to do
so and the mindfulness to beable to do so and handle it.
But at the same time, I want usto also not avoid it, because
when we have the avoidance, thatcan further complicate the
picture, because then theavoidance leads us to not
(21:46):
showing up in spaces that weneed to be in.
It leads us to play small whenwe need to play bigger.
It limits our ability to growand to scale and to build a
larger platform that is going tohelp us build the wealth and
other successes that we need inorder to take care of ourselves,
our families and our community.
(22:07):
So we cannot avoid everynegative circumstance.
We cannot go into this practiceof avoidance.
We instead have to think abouthow we can be prepared to show
up in these spaces andpotentially even encounter
various experiences that may betriggering in terms of some of
(22:29):
the traumas that we haveexperienced.
It may be somewhat triggering,but how do we plan ahead to show
up in those spaces and to showup boldly in those spaces?
We have to begin to do thatgroundwork of preparation.
The key to not avoiding all ofthese negative instances is to
be prepared to handle them, andprepared means that it's not
(22:52):
that things won't catch you offguard they will still
potentially catch you off guardat times but it means that you
have a way and a plan and ameans to respond.
I don't suggest that we go outthere with no plan, but being
able to have the mentalprocesses that we can walk
(23:14):
ourselves through to remindourselves of our strength and
our ability, to remind ourselvesof the successes that we have
had thus far, to remindourselves that everyone doesn't
think in this way, that it's notin alignment with our core
beliefs.
There are many, many, many,many people that do align with
(23:35):
what you believe in, the valuesthat you hold dear, reminding
yourself of the truth that thisis not an all or nothing
scenario, that we can have smallwins, that we can have progress
, no matter how small, and stillbe moving in the right
direction.
So the more we can establishthose systems of positive
(23:58):
self-talk to combat the negativeexperiences encounters that we
may have, the better off we'regonna be.
And then also and this is thelast one that I wanted to point
out, and this is, I would say,the most important in my opinion
is that right now, I need youto find your network.
You need to have that supportfor enhanced safety during this
(24:26):
time.
You need people around youthat's going to help speak life
into you and your business andyour goals and your dreams that
you have.
Right now.
You deserve that.
You need people around you thatare going to encourage you when
times get difficult orchallenges are there that you
don't really honestly want toface.
(24:47):
You need people there that aregoing to have your best
interests at heart, that are notgoing to prejudge you by
stereotypes, that are not goingto limit you because of your sex
or your race.
You need a support system anddefinitely I hope that you see
(25:10):
this podcast as part of thatsupport system.
But then also listen therapist,family friends.
Build them now, pull them allin.
Feel as if this is extremelyheavy, then I think starting
with therapy is a perfect way togo Finding those tools to use
so that you can navigate thatspace more effectively.
(25:32):
If you feel isolated, how canyou get into community?
How can you get into acommunity with a group of people
that are aligned with what youbelieve?
Actually, I was on a call veryrecently when I feel like I
would call my support circle andmy support group and we were
talking about how best do weidentify those who believe in
(25:58):
what we believe in terms of justcore values.
I'm not necessarily gettinginto details.
We all think differently, we'reall going to have various of
opinion, but the core of what webelieve at the deepest,
innermost part of our being thatdrives us, that should be
somewhat aligned.
So how do you find those people?
And the one thing that welanded upon in our discussion
(26:21):
I'm not saying this is right orwrong, this is just where our
conversation went is that startleaning into the psychographics,
start talking more about whatyou believe, start being a
little bit more transparentabout what you think.
All of those things, if you doit in a safe setting, is going
to lead you to the people youare meant to serve.
(26:42):
It's going to lead you to thepeople you are meant to partner
with.
It's going to lead you to thepeople you are meant to
collaborate with, who you aremeant to serve.
It's going to lead you to thepeople you are meant to partner
with.
It's going to lead you to thepeople you are meant to
collaborate with, who you'remeant to build community with,
because you have at least afoundational alignment.
The one thing that has happenedover recent years is that many
people as evidenced by ourelection results many people
(27:03):
really feared how they actuallyfelt, and that's why this is so
shocking and so hurtful to somany people, because we weren't
having those conversations.
These are difficultconversations to have.
We weren't having thoseconversations, so when all of
this kind of came to a head, itwas shocking.
But the more that we canexpress our beliefs, our
(27:25):
thoughts and our values in amore open manner, then we are
going to attract those who arealigned.
So I want to really encourageyou to start thinking of it that
way, to break beyond the limitsof sex, race and any other kind
of classification and start tothink about psychographics and
(27:46):
how I can lean into thoseindividuals that have a similar
viewpoint, a similar perspectiveand that want to see the world
in a similar, or see the worldrather in a similar way, the
more that we can do that helpsyou to find that grouping, so
that you're able to build thislevel of support that enhances
your safety.
Because're able to build thislevel of support that enhances
(28:07):
your safety because you have tofeel safe in order to show up as
your biggest and boldest self.
You have to feel safe in orderto walk into a boardroom and
compete for a contract and beconfident in front of a group of
people that don't look like you, that don't sound like you,
that don't think like you.
You have to sound like you thatdon't think like you.
You have to have that boldnessand that confidence.
(28:29):
In order for you to have that,you need to support system.
So the takeaway from this is Iwant you to do three things.
I want you to think about howyou are going to structure and
create coping mechanisms thatcarry you through these
difficult times.
What are you going to do totake care of yourself, to
(28:50):
nurture yourself, to feedyourself and improve your mental
ability and your mentalcapacity to do the work?
The second is that I want youto be proactive in how you are
going to handle challengingsituations and triggers.
I want you to be proactive inhow you are going to handle
challenging situations andtriggers.
I want you to know and have aplan as to some of the things
(29:11):
that you are prepared to do tomake sure that you're able to
show up and do your work dayafter day after day, whether
that is recharging, whether thatis leading into affirmations or
other types of positiveself-talk and reading or study,
whatever it may be, prayer,whatever it may be.
I need you to come up with thatplan now so that you don't have
(29:33):
to search for it in the midstof the struggle.
And then, last but not least, Iwant you to build your support
system.
I want you to find thecommunity to surround yourself
with so that you can feel safeto do your greatest work as we
move forward and we get into ourfuture episodes.
What I want to start talkingabout is how we begin to show up
(29:54):
in those spaces.
How do we begin to show up in away that is going to allow us
to stand out in our space, to beseen as bold experts in our
space and to really garner thebusiness that we need in order
to build the wealth necessary tofeel safer and have more
(30:16):
flexibility and freedom, nomatter what may happen.
So that's going to be our goalas we move forward through the
series.
But I hope this episode hasbeen helpful and just thinking
through what many of you haveexpressed to me, which is this
feeling of betrayal and notnecessarily knowing how to
process that or what to do withit, and I'm hoping that this
episode just really walks youthrough some of the things that
(30:37):
I have been able to pulltogether and come up with and
I'm working through and usingmyself and I'm just sharing this
with you.
Like I said before, this is notto be a therapy of any source.
I always recommend if there'sdeeper work to be done, please
do not hesitate to go see atherapist or a specialist in
that space.
But as a group, working throughthis time together, these are
(31:02):
some of the answers andsolutions that I landed upon and
I'm just hoping that it'll be ablessing to you as well.
All right, guys, if you have notalready, please share this mini
series in the podcast with afriend that you think would
enjoy these episodes, or any ofthe episodes, rather, on the
podcast.
Definitely, your help spreadingthe word is truly a blessing to
(31:23):
this podcast.
It helps it to grow and toexpand.
Also, if you have a moment, ifyou could just go on Apple
Podcasts or Spotify and leaveyour review or your ranking or,
excuse me, rating, that would beextremely helpful.
It helps the podcast to bedisseminated to more and more
people and I hope that it hasbeen helpful to you.
(31:46):
If it has been helpful to you,if it has been helpful to you.
That's just one small requestthat I have and would just truly
appreciate.
All right, guys, I will talk toyou very soon as we move
through in our series and untilthen, I wish you a lot of love
and light.
Talk soon, bye-bye.
Hello and welcome back to the Black Girls Console
2 podcast.
If you've been tuning in withme over the start of this
miniseries, I'm not goingthrough all of the normal fluff
with the introduction because Iam, let's just be honest, not
really feeling it right now andI want us to just get into it
(00:21):
and our first episode in partone.
We were talking a lot aboutwhat has recently been going on
here in the US with theelections and all of the
emotions that have been high.
We've talked about what itmeans to experience a collective
trauma and the stages of griefthat many of us are working
through, myself included.
(00:41):
One of the things that was veryinteresting to me is how people
were receiving that particularepisode and then how they're
just navigating naturallythrough the grief process.
So I decided that I wanted togo online on my Instagram
account and just put somefeelings out there, try and see
(01:02):
what people were actuallyfeeling and thinking and get
them to verbalize that.
But then also I did a littlebit of just scrolling and
watching.
I wouldn't necessarily say Iwas doom scrolling, I was
scrolling with the purposeonline, but I just wanted to see
what some of the conversationswere on TikTok or Instagram and
LinkedIn, and notice the vastdifferences between the
(01:24):
platforms where you would go forpeople being raw and authentic
on a platform like TikTok, togoing to LinkedIn and everything
being somewhat sugar-coated, Iwould say, or made to seem as if
none of this had occurred,although evidently is playing a
major role when it comes to howmany of us feel, think and are
(01:45):
acting in this present moment.
I even had people mention to methat they felt like the world
was just so heavy right now theywere having difficulty focusing
and getting things done.
Last week was just verynon-productive or unproductive,
I should rather say.
So what I wanted to take timeto do today, in this particular
episode, as we move through thisseries, is to talk about this
(02:09):
concept, as I started toresearch and try to figure out
what is really happening here,like what is happening and how
can we begin to move past thispoint so that, no matter what is
coming our way, we're able tobe successful in the midst of
that.
There's so much that we'regoing to be learning that we're
learning currently and that willchange the way that our world
(02:31):
looks as we move forward, andit's our responsibility, I feel,
to take part in that change, tobegin to shape it into what we
want to see.
We cannot bury our heads in thesand, bury our hands in the
sand, and although we'renavigating through a lot of
different emotional stages andphases of the grief process and
(02:51):
everything that comes with it, Ido also want to better
understand what other things arecausing a lot of our feelings
right now and a lot of whatwe're going through.
One of the comments that I gotmost frequently on my story
pretty much they all gave thisparticular tone, which was you
(03:16):
know, I don't understand howthis happened.
I feel betrayed.
I feel like I can't trustanyone that does not look like
me, and this was especially truewith Black women and Black men,
because I also have men thatfollow me as well and follow and
listen to this podcast.
So this right here I wasthinking I was like, oh gosh,
(03:37):
like I didn't really expectpeople to ask me questions about
betrayal.
I was more so thinking theywere worried about some aspect
of how they would be able to runtheir business or land clients,
etc.
But a lot of the discussion wasaround this immense hurt that
people felt, because they feltas if they had been betrayed.
(03:58):
And when I was thinking aboutthis whole aspect of betrayal in
consulting and business andentrepreneurship.
I was led to do some researchbecause I really wanted to see
are we overreacting or is theresomething really to this?
And as I began to dig deeperand read more, there were some
interesting things that Ithought stood out stood out, one
(04:27):
being that, whether you'refamiliar or not, there's a whole
concept that exists aroundbetrayal trauma.
So in order to betterunderstand what betrayal trauma
really means, you have tounderstand just the traditional
model for trauma.
When we think about trauma,traditionally, we think about
ourselves having defenses.
We have a defense system,naturally meaning we try to
(04:50):
protect ourselves.
We try to protect ourselvesfrom any harm that may come our
way, but despite having thatprotection and that defense, we
may still experience thattraumatic event.
The difference when you'rethinking about betrayal trauma
is that an individual has letdown their guard to some extent,
(05:11):
so that outer barrier, thatouter defense that is typically
there, is not fully sealed.
Typically, when we think aboutbetrayal trauma.
This is something that I wantus to relate to the types of
betrayals that may occur betweena parent and child or a
relative and a family member.
(05:32):
These are situations where youhave an individual who normally
would have their defenses up,but because they have trust in a
particular individual basedupon the relationship they built
, they've let that guard downsomewhat.
This can also happen inbusiness.
This is not just in family.
Maybe it's a partner in thebusiness that you're creating
(05:54):
and because you have been close,you let your guard down to some
extent.
That puts you at risk for harm.
And so with betrayal trauma inthis theory it does
contextualize the trauma ofinterpersonal relationships
where there is trust ordependency Like I said, with the
(06:17):
parent dependency, even withthe business partner, dependency
and trust and when that'sbroken that level of hurt and
trauma is significant.
That betrayal trauma is realbecause this is a person that I
thought I could trust, this issomeone I thought would do the
right thing.
That's what we think about whenwe think about betrayal trauma.
(06:38):
But it can expand beyond that.
But when you expand beyond thatand you get to cultural
betrayal, this is a situationwhere it's no longer between two
individuals, it's no longerinterpersonal and it actually
begins to affect and traumatizea whole group.
So if you have a particularcultural minority that is found
(07:04):
to be uniquely vulnerablebecause maybe, although they
have their defense systems up.
Although they have a center ofprotection by staying and
grouping together either with acommon mindset or a common
background, whatever thesociocultural context is for
their grouping, they are at riskof trauma that may occur from
(07:31):
the inside, meaning thatsomebody who is part of that
group or persons that are partof that group actually violate
that trust and allows for thereto be trauma to the group as a
whole.
So this is really true when itcomes to ethnic minorities.
(07:52):
So when it comes to us as Blackfolk, when it comes to us as
women of color, when it comes tous who align with any of those
things, it happens definitely asa result of the societal trauma
of racism, and one of thethings that played out in this
election was the what many feelthe obvious racism and sexism
(08:15):
and misogyny that was present.
Those are things that werehighlighted as threats.
So when the election occurredand people voted certain ways,
for some people myself included,and definitely from those who
have reached out to me onInstagram and were able to share
their thoughts and expresstheir feelings the issue was
(08:38):
with how did this happen?
How did these people betray meor us?
Because that guard was let down.
There was a certain level oftrust that existed within the
group that they were in, becausethey felt alignment.
They felt that they werealigned on core values, on core
(08:58):
beliefs, and, although we maycome from different backgrounds,
there was this belief that wewere all on the same page.
So when that trust was brokenfrom the inside, it had nothing
to do with what people knew tobe true of those who were not
part of their collective, butthe people within that
collective they assumed hadsimilar goals and desires, had
(09:23):
similar goals and desires, andso for that to be vastly
different than what theybelieved could lead to this
feeling of cultural betrayal.
And so a lot of what we'reworking through right now is
just like I gave, the example ofthe partner in business that
the person was working with, andhow that breakdown can occur
(09:43):
and result in the type ofinterpersonal trauma and issues
that can occur.
We're dealing with this on amuch larger scale, and so when I
was thinking about what peoplewere commenting on Instagram
through my response to thequestions I was posing, I really
(10:04):
do feel like they were not justexpressing frustration and
anger that someone thought orviewed things differently.
They were expressing the factthat this is an individual.
These are individuals, rather,that we felt were on the same
page, fighting for the samecause and aligned with our core
(10:27):
values and beliefs.
And now to know that is nottrue or to believe that is not
true is what is causing so muchdisappointment and stress, and
also it creates a sense ofanxiety, because then you're
trying to figure out who you cantrust whether or not you're
trying to figure out who you cantrust whether or not you're in
(10:52):
a safe space.
How do you navigate that nowthat what you believe to be a
safe space is no longerproviding the safety that you
thought you had?
That's what a lot of people aregoing through right now,
whether you are in a mastermindor a group coaching program or
in school or in business orpursuing whatever endeavor where
you're in a group setting andyou thought you were in a group
(11:14):
setting with a number of peoplewho were on the same page with
you.
Tonight I'll find that may notbe the case.
It's eye-opening, it's hurtful,it's frustrating, it produces
anger and rage, it leads youthrough that whole grief spiral,
and so when we think about thislevel of trauma that has
(11:40):
occurred, we know that we don'twant to stay there.
We know we have to move pastthat because we can't sit in a
space.
Because number one it'sactually not new when you look
back at history there have beenmany successful women
professionals, consultants,entrepreneurs, et cetera over
(12:02):
time when things were much worsethan they are currently.
So we know that success isstill possible.
We know that we can stillachieve the goals that we set
out to achieve.
But now we just have to do it alittle different.
But in order to get to thatpoint as we talked about that
grief cycle going through denial, anger, bargaining, depression
(12:22):
and then acceptance in order toget to that acceptance point
where you can stand and be verystrengthened and ready to move
forward, in order to get to thatpoint, you have to heal or
begin the healing process fromthe betrayal that you feel
existed, especially if this iswhat many are feeling today.
(12:43):
So one of the things that Ithought was interesting when I
started to dig a little bitfurther into how we get to that
point is the fact that usually,when we think about these
stressful events, many of usjust want to check out.
As a matter of fact, if you goonline right now, there's so
many posts about how Black women, especially, are going to just
(13:05):
sit back and chill and just leteverything play out, get their
popcorn and watch it happen.
And I get it, number one.
A lot of things that we sayhave a slight comic relief to
them.
I always like to say you haveto laugh to keep them crying at
times.
So I get it.
I get the fact that definitelysome of this is just turning the
(13:26):
pain into something that ismanageable and overcoming these
challenges with laughter and joy.
There's also some truth to itin that people are feeling as if
they want nothing to do withthe system and the people that
caused this harm and becausethey want nothing to do with
them, they want to removethemselves from the greater
(13:52):
grouping and focus on the peoplethat they know love and trust,
making sure that they are okay,that they are strengthened, that
they know love and trust,making sure that they are okay,
that they are strengthened, thatthey are thriving, and let that
be their goal.
But what I want to say is thatwe still have work to do outside
of our close-knit circles andin order for us to do that work,
(14:14):
we have to think about waysthat we can overcome and manage
and be resilient in the presenceof some of these traumas that
are existing now or that mayrear its head from time to time
as we move forward.
Now, one of the things Ithought was interesting is that,
when we think about how weovercome difficult moments, most
people talk about relaxationand getting away and really
(14:39):
allowing yourself to de-stress.
But let me tell you right now,most of you are likely, like me,
thinking that a spa day is notgoing to fix this.
This is not a spa day solution.
It's not a spa day solution.
This is, instead, is a way forus to build coping mechanisms
(15:03):
and build and strengthen ourresilience so that we can
continue to move forward.
And what that means is that wehave to also think about how we
do this in a way that besthonors our cultural background
and the things that have beeneffective and shown to be
effective over time for thosewho are minorities or facing
this collective trauma that I'mmentioning.
(15:24):
So, while we have to definitelypractice trying to take in some
downtime and protect our mindand protect our hearts, have to
think a little bit beyond thatand begin to explore how we can
(15:45):
turn this trauma narrative intosomething that allows us to
number one speak our truth, butthen also turn it into something
positive, because the more wecan lean into that, the better
we're going to feel, the morewe're going to be able to
process what has occurred andturn that into messaging that is
(16:07):
helpful for not just forourselves, but for others.
And then it begins to allow usnot to be so triggered by the
events that may come in thefuture, because part of what
often triggers us in these timesis that we feel like we don't
have control, and what I want usto know is that we do have
(16:28):
control.
You have control over yourdestiny.
You have control over yourbusiness.
You have control over yourability to be a masterful
standout consultant in yourspace.
You have control over that, andso, although you've experienced
this very unfortunate event andyou may feel as if this is
(16:51):
going to keep you marginalizedforever, it does not have to be
so, and nor do you have to fightto the point of exhaustion.
So a lot of what we want to dois talk about how we begin to
not only build resilience, butthen also how do we enhance our
(17:14):
safety so that you can begin toregulate your nervous system
just a little bit and feel moreat ease to do the work that
you've been called to do.
One of the problems when you'reresponding to a very traumatic
situation is that you cannotthink and function clearly.
You're not at your best, and ifyou are not at your best, it's
going to cause a problem in thelong term with regards to how
(17:37):
you are able to grow and evolveover time.
So, although these are likebricks stacked against you, I
want you to recognize that theyare a mere hurdle.
They are not a wall that youcannot go through or that you
cannot navigate through.
They are simply a hurdle, andso, if they are a hurdle, we
(17:58):
have to strengthen ourselves sothat we can jump over it.
Okay, so you're likelywondering I hear all that, but
what do we do Now?
This is where we have to getinto action.
One of the first things that Iwant us to do is to think about
how we can come up with ways tocope with the current situation,
because, in reality, thissituation that will be present
(18:21):
potentially for the next fouryears or even more we have to be
able to cope with that.
We have to be able to functionin spite of that, and so part of
the coping that I want toreally encourage us to do right
now is to think about how wefind ways to de-stress and relax
, meaning taking care ofyourself, taking care of your
(18:43):
mind and your body, physicallyeating well, exercising all
those things are going to beneeded, because you need to keep
your mind and body strong inorder to do the things necessary
to be great at your work.
Then, also looking at a lot ofthe feelings and the words that
we are using and the things thatwe are expressing and allowing
(19:06):
us to assess whether or not manyof these beliefs and thoughts
are true and, if they are true,finding ways to make them most
helpful and, if they are true,finding ways to make them most
helpful.
So, for instance, if you havethe belief that you have to work
(19:28):
twice as hard to get half asfar, that can really evoke an
immense amount of stress, andI'm a believer personally that I
do think that is the case.
Some people may disagree, andthat's fine.
Do think that is the case, somepeople may disagree, and that's
fine.
But if that is something thatyou feel is a truth and a
reality, then the second part ofthat is how do I structure my
life, in my life circumstances,so that I am able to handle the
(19:53):
stress that comes along with it.
It's a matter of preparation.
So is this a situation whereyou're going to lean into your
spirituality and prayer?
Is this a situation whereyou're going to set and
establish specific dates andtimes where you're able to get
away and you're able to nurtureyour spirit?
Are you going to plan to use ifyou're still working and
building your business right nowuse those PTO days so that you
(20:16):
can take off time strategicallyto really provide the level of a
mental break and relaxation tocope with the challenge of being
able to show up that way?
Some of this is just findingcoping mechanisms that help us
navigate where we are currently,and second to that, we need to
be careful not to avoid alluncomfortable situations.
(20:40):
Right, I get it.
When we talk about relaxation,self-care, the knee-jerk
reaction is to close ourselvesoff and protect ourselves, like
I said when we were just talkingabout how we typically build
defenses to protect ourselvesfrom harm.
So that's a natural thing thatwe want to do, but what we don't
want to do is avoid exposure tothose negative elements that
(21:03):
may be present in our society,because when we get into this
aspect of avoidance, what weactually do is we limit our
success only because we'refunctioning in society as it is,
so we have to handle the goodand the bad that comes with that
, and it's not about just beingstrong and toughing it out.
Anyway, I want you to protectyour energy and think about when
(21:25):
you have the energy to do so,when you have the ability to do
so and the mindfulness to beable to do so and handle it.
But at the same time, I want usto also not avoid it, because
when we have the avoidance, thatcan further complicate the
picture, because then theavoidance leads us to not
(21:46):
showing up in spaces that weneed to be in.
It leads us to play small whenwe need to play bigger.
It limits our ability to growand to scale and to build a
larger platform that is going tohelp us build the wealth and
other successes that we need inorder to take care of ourselves,
our families and our community.
(22:07):
So we cannot avoid everynegative circumstance.
We cannot go into this practiceof avoidance.
We instead have to think abouthow we can be prepared to show
up in these spaces andpotentially even encounter
various experiences that may betriggering in terms of some of
(22:29):
the traumas that we haveexperienced.
It may be somewhat triggering,but how do we plan ahead to show
up in those spaces and to showup boldly in those spaces?
We have to begin to do thatgroundwork of preparation.
The key to not avoiding all ofthese negative instances is to
be prepared to handle them, andprepared means that it's not
(22:52):
that things won't catch you offguard they will still
potentially catch you off guardat times but it means that you
have a way and a plan and ameans to respond.
I don't suggest that we go outthere with no plan, but being
able to have the mentalprocesses that we can walk
(23:14):
ourselves through to remindourselves of our strength and
our ability, to remind ourselvesof the successes that we have
had thus far, to remindourselves that everyone doesn't
think in this way, that it's notin alignment with our core
beliefs.
There are many, many, many,many people that do align with
(23:35):
what you believe in, the valuesthat you hold dear, reminding
yourself of the truth that thisis not an all or nothing
scenario, that we can have smallwins, that we can have progress
, no matter how small, and stillbe moving in the right
direction.
So the more we can establishthose systems of positive
(23:58):
self-talk to combat the negativeexperiences encounters that we
may have, the better off we'regonna be.
And then also and this is thelast one that I wanted to point
out, and this is, I would say,the most important in my opinion
is that right now, I need youto find your network.
You need to have that supportfor enhanced safety during this
(24:26):
time.
You need people around youthat's going to help speak life
into you and your business andyour goals and your dreams that
you have.
Right now.
You deserve that.
You need people around you thatare going to encourage you when
times get difficult orchallenges are there that you
don't really honestly want toface.
(24:47):
You need people there that aregoing to have your best
interests at heart, that are notgoing to prejudge you by
stereotypes, that are not goingto limit you because of your sex
or your race.
You need a support system anddefinitely I hope that you see
(25:10):
this podcast as part of thatsupport system.
But then also listen therapist,family friends.
Build them now, pull them allin.
Feel as if this is extremelyheavy, then I think starting
with therapy is a perfect way togo Finding those tools to use
so that you can navigate thatspace more effectively.
(25:32):
If you feel isolated, how canyou get into community?
How can you get into acommunity with a group of people
that are aligned with what youbelieve?
Actually, I was on a call veryrecently when I feel like I
would call my support circle andmy support group and we were
talking about how best do weidentify those who believe in
(25:58):
what we believe in terms of justcore values.
I'm not necessarily gettinginto details.
We all think differently, we'reall going to have various of
opinion, but the core of what webelieve at the deepest,
innermost part of our being thatdrives us, that should be
somewhat aligned.
So how do you find those people?
And the one thing that welanded upon in our discussion
(26:21):
I'm not saying this is right orwrong, this is just where our
conversation went is that startleaning into the psychographics,
start talking more about whatyou believe, start being a
little bit more transparentabout what you think.
All of those things, if you doit in a safe setting, is going
to lead you to the people youare meant to serve.
(26:42):
It's going to lead you to thepeople you are meant to partner
with.
It's going to lead you to thepeople you are meant to
collaborate with, who you aremeant to serve.
It's going to lead you to thepeople you are meant to partner
with.
It's going to lead you to thepeople you are meant to
collaborate with, who you'remeant to build community with,
because you have at least afoundational alignment.
The one thing that has happenedover recent years is that many
people as evidenced by ourelection results many people
(27:03):
really feared how they actuallyfelt, and that's why this is so
shocking and so hurtful to somany people, because we weren't
having those conversations.
These are difficultconversations to have.
We weren't having thoseconversations, so when all of
this kind of came to a head, itwas shocking.
But the more that we canexpress our beliefs, our
(27:25):
thoughts and our values in amore open manner, then we are
going to attract those who arealigned.
So I want to really encourageyou to start thinking of it that
way, to break beyond the limitsof sex, race and any other kind
of classification and start tothink about psychographics and
(27:46):
how I can lean into thoseindividuals that have a similar
viewpoint, a similar perspectiveand that want to see the world
in a similar, or see the worldrather in a similar way, the
more that we can do that helpsyou to find that grouping, so
that you're able to build thislevel of support that enhances
your safety.
Because're able to build thislevel of support that enhances
(28:07):
your safety because you have tofeel safe in order to show up as
your biggest and boldest self.
You have to feel safe in orderto walk into a boardroom and
compete for a contract and beconfident in front of a group of
people that don't look like you, that don't sound like you,
that don't think like you.
You have to sound like you thatdon't think like you.
You have to have that boldnessand that confidence.
(28:29):
In order for you to have that,you need to support system.
So the takeaway from this is Iwant you to do three things.
I want you to think about howyou are going to structure and
create coping mechanisms thatcarry you through these
difficult times.
What are you going to do totake care of yourself, to
(28:50):
nurture yourself, to feedyourself and improve your mental
ability and your mentalcapacity to do the work?
The second is that I want youto be proactive in how you are
going to handle challengingsituations and triggers.
I want you to be proactive inhow you are going to handle
challenging situations andtriggers.
I want you to know and have aplan as to some of the things
(29:11):
that you are prepared to do tomake sure that you're able to
show up and do your work dayafter day after day, whether
that is recharging, whether thatis leading into affirmations or
other types of positiveself-talk and reading or study,
whatever it may be, prayer,whatever it may be.
I need you to come up with thatplan now so that you don't have
(29:33):
to search for it in the midstof the struggle.
And then, last but not least, Iwant you to build your support
system.
I want you to find thecommunity to surround yourself
with so that you can feel safeto do your greatest work as we
move forward and we get into ourfuture episodes.
What I want to start talkingabout is how we begin to show up
(29:54):
in those spaces.
How do we begin to show up in away that is going to allow us
to stand out in our space, to beseen as bold experts in our
space and to really garner thebusiness that we need in order
to build the wealth necessary tofeel safer and have more
(30:16):
flexibility and freedom, nomatter what may happen.
So that's going to be our goalas we move forward through the
series.
But I hope this episode hasbeen helpful and just thinking
through what many of you haveexpressed to me, which is this
feeling of betrayal and notnecessarily knowing how to
process that or what to do withit, and I'm hoping that this
episode just really walks youthrough some of the things that
(30:37):
I have been able to pulltogether and come up with and
I'm working through and usingmyself and I'm just sharing this
with you.
Like I said before, this is notto be a therapy of any source.
I always recommend if there'sdeeper work to be done, please
do not hesitate to go see atherapist or a specialist in
that space.
But as a group, working throughthis time together, these are
(31:02):
some of the answers andsolutions that I landed upon and
I'm just hoping that it'll be ablessing to you as well.
All right, guys, if you have notalready, please share this mini
series in the podcast with afriend that you think would
enjoy these episodes, or any ofthe episodes, rather, on the
podcast.
Definitely, your help spreadingthe word is truly a blessing to
(31:23):
this podcast.
It helps it to grow and toexpand.
Also, if you have a moment, ifyou could just go on Apple
Podcasts or Spotify and leaveyour review or your ranking or,
excuse me, rating, that would beextremely helpful.
It helps the podcast to bedisseminated to more and more
people and I hope that it hasbeen helpful to you.
(31:46):
If it has been helpful to you,if it has been helpful to you.
That's just one small requestthat I have and would just truly
appreciate.
All right, guys, I will talk toyou very soon as we move
through in our series and untilthen, I wish you a lot of love
and light.
Talk soon, bye-bye.
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