November 16, 2025 • 33 mins
Former attorney Lara Silverman's life took an unexpected turn when a mysterious neurological illness forced her from the courtroom to being bedridden for years. After trying 150 treatments across eight years without success, Lara has had to wrestle with questions most Christians never face: What if God calls you to accept suffering instead of healing? In this raw and honest conversation, Lara shares how her theology was completely reshaped by chronic illness, and how meeting Matt, a youth leader with terminal cancer, led to an unexpected love story and one precious year of marriage before his death.
This isn't a story of neat endings or miraculous healing. Lara still spends 65% of her days bedridden with debilitating vertigo. Yet she's written a bestselling book, "Singing Through Fire," that offers hope from inside the flames rather than from the other side. With the heart of a comedian and the mind of a lawyer, Lara challenges prosperity gospel thinking while revealing how God gives unexpected gifts, music, creativity, and deep joy, even when He doesn't give the healing we desperately pray for. Her story is for anyone who has felt betrayed by unanswered prayer or wondered why good theology doesn't always translate to an easy faith journey.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:08):
Wherever there are shadows, there are people ready to kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight.
This is Bleeding Daylight with your host, Rodney Olsen.
Welcome and thanks for taking the time to listen to today's episode.
You can hear hundreds more inspiring episodes now at bleedingdaylight.net.
(00:29):
Please tell others about Bleeding Daylight so they can be inspired too.
Today I'll introduce you to a remarkable guest who has not only faced life's struggles but continues to deal with ongoing complex health issues.
How do we find strength, comfort and peace in the midst of the turmoil?
(00:53):
My guest can help us find the answer.
I'm so honoured to have Lara Silverman join me today.
Lara is a former attorney whose life was radically redirected when a severe neurological illness took her from the courtroom to being bedridden for years.
(01:16):
But this isn't a story of giving up.
It's about what happens when faith meets the fire.
Through unimaginable loss, including the recent death of her husband after just one year of marriage, Lara has somehow emerged as a jazz singer, comedian and bestselling author of the book Singing Through Fire, who's choosing to laugh and create in the midst of ongoing pain.
(01:40):
Her story challenges everything we think we know about suffering, sovereignty and the surprising ways God shows up in the wilderness.
Lara, welcome to Bleeding Daylight.
Thanks so much, Rodney.
It's such an honour to be here.
Now, I want to know about those days when it seemed that life was going from strength to strength, when you had a growing law career and the world seemed like it was at your feet.
(02:03):
Can you tell me what was life like back then?
Sure.
I went to Stanford Law School.
I had always wanted to be a lawyer and I worked at a big law firm.
I loved it.
It was for five years and I also worked for a couple of federal judges.
At the start of my dream job as a federal prosecutor, I fell mysteriously ill two weeks into the job.
(02:24):
I had been healthy as a horse for 30 years, which is why it was so strange.
The doctors threw maybe 10 different diagnoses at me.
None of the treatments worked.
I've been fighting it ever since.
It's been eight years.
It's a chronic illness.
We don't quite know exactly what's going on still.
I mean, we have some diagnoses, but the fact that 150 treatments have not worked, my parents and I have tried, you name it, we've tried it from East Coast doctors.
(02:52):
We consulted British experts.
I mean, we've been through the gamut the last eight years and the Lord has really not opened any doors in the sense of healing.
And so right now you see me sitting up, but after this podcast, I'm going to slam back down on my bed because I'm still bedridden about 65% of the day.
So I still sit up.
I try cope as long as I can.
(03:13):
It has to do with the connection between my ear and my brain.
That's about all we know because I have a persistent sensation of nonstop vertigo, which is very debilitating.
So the minute I sit up, I feel harder spinning and we just don't know why.
But that's sort of the broad story.
And in that God did many miracles in other senses, but not as far as the healing goes.
(03:36):
Many of us would have experienced bouts of vertigo and we know how debilitating that can be.
But I guess when it's something that is consistently there, that's another story.
Did you at first think or did the doctors at first think that this was just vertigo that they were going to treat in the same way that they would normally treat vertigo and then find out, hey, this is something different.
(03:58):
This is something persistent.
Exactly.
That's how it started.
The first 10 months we were saying, oh, this is just, you know, vestibular migraines or whatever.
I mean, all the typical diagnoses.
But when we saw that the treatments were not working, we started having to think, OK, hold up, maybe our diagnoses are incorrect.
But after countless CAT scans, MRIs, hospitalizations, we still don't really know quite what's going on.
(04:22):
The doctors have not been able to help, frankly.
And at this stage, you're a young woman who is heading towards the prime of her career.
You've been very successful to this point.
It must have been so dispiriting for you to be in this place where you didn't know when this was going to end.
And as we know now, it continues.
(04:42):
Even in those early days, you would have thought, well, this has got to end sometime.
I can get back to life sometime.
And yet that time just never, never came.
How did that make you feel emotionally during that period?
Oh, you have to read my memoir because I wanted to be extremely authentic.
I mean, what's the point in lying?
You know, I wanted to show other believers that we do go through these struggles.
(05:04):
And it was very difficult for me as a type A person who was very driven and very career focused and viewed career very much as a blessing from the Lord.
It was very hard for me to understand why he opened the door to the job, which was what was even more confusing to me because I had to interview.
I was selected out of thousands of applications as this prestigious job.
(05:26):
And then I had to resign.
And it was so embarrassing.
But I will say that emotionally, the Holy Spirit did sustain me in the sense that he walked me through that when the United States Attorney's Office was like, OK, we gave you a leave for 10 months.
This is it.
You need to either quit or come back.
Like what's happening?
And none of the treatments were working.
In fact, many of the treatments were making me worse.
(05:48):
But I just sensed from the Holy Spirit after months of praying that I want you to just resign.
And obviously, my circumstances required it because I just could not function at the level that I needed to.
The Lord really comforted me in terms of I have a purpose for this, like in subtle ways.
I still don't know the purpose eight years down, but I know that he has a purpose.
(06:10):
And that's a deeper discussion.
Emotionally, it was very difficult.
Self-worth.
I mean, all of the questions.
You're already having your ideas about faith, your ideas about God reshaped as you start to go through this terrible illness.
But tell me about your faith story up to this point.
(06:31):
Were you someone who came from a family of faith?
Were you a Christian family?
What was the story there?
Absolutely.
I was raised in a strong Christian family.
My grandfather was a pastor in the Middle East before they immigrated here.
My church is an Armenian evangelical church, strong theology.
But I wasn't raised in a theology of suffering because, thank God, I was shielded from suffering as a child.
(06:55):
I mean, I had great parents.
I hadn't been exposed to what it means to take up your cross.
All of the New Testament teachings, essentially, that we are called, in some sense, to suffer for the Lord.
I had a strong backing in terms, I mean, my faith was pretty strong.
I was going to Bible study.
I really did love the Lord.
I'm glad I had at least that foundation.
(07:18):
But it almost, in some senses, not that it made it worse to have so much love for the Lord, if you will, but it was almost like it made it feel more like the Lord was betraying me.
Because when you love the Lord so much and you're like, oh, God's going to protect me and He loves me so much, and then you're dropped in this fire.
And all the questions that atheists don't struggle with in terms of, why is a good God allowing this?
(07:42):
Why isn't He answering my prayers?
If my earthly Father will heal me in an instant, why won't my heavenly Father give me relief?
All the questions, as you mentioned earlier, I mean, my theology has been completely turned upside down in many ways, and it didn't take long.
As you started to think through some of the issues, you're in this terrible place of not knowing when or if there'll be some kind of treatment that will work and your theology is being reshaped.
(08:10):
This has thrown everything upside down, hasn't it?
I mean, what were you able to do in those times?
As you say, mostly bedridden.
Were you still trying to have some sort of life outside of that, or did you start to think, well, this is how it goes for me now?
Basically, I didn't have a choice because right after I resigned, I was strictly bedridden on that bed for three years with my eyes closed, with my mother nursing me on a bedpan.
(08:36):
So, in other words, my symptoms were so debilitating, and the drugs that we were taking, which were supposed to help me, just aggravated my symptoms, popping one pharmaceutical after the next.
It was just insanely painful for my brain and my body, and I could not sit up.
So, in other words, I didn't even have a chance to have a life.
I mean, I became essentially an invalid on a bed, going from being a high-powered courtroom lawyer to just completely non-functional.
(09:04):
It changed my whole life.
There came a point three years into the bed where we decided no more drugs because this is just making our child worse, and I started to try sitting up again without the drugs, and nothing had changed.
The world still spins, and what's spinning still is.
You know, right now, you can't see it because neurological illnesses are invisible, but at least I was able to start sitting up without my blood pressure dropping, and that part was kind of a miracle in terms of, okay, well, how come I couldn't do that for three years?
(09:36):
You've got to read the book, and I tried to make it very comical because I'm a comedian.
I love acting, and the topic is so heavy that I figured I have to just make this relatable and digestible, because I can't remember who said this, but tragedy is comedy in reverse.
I really do think if you can look for it, there's so many ways to make fun of yourself in the situation, and how God gives you grace in the most unexpected ways, and how you wrestle with him when he doesn't give you the grace you think you need.
(10:04):
In the same way that your theology is being changed and reshaped by what you're going through, you also have parents who have brought you up and got you towards this great career, and suddenly having to parent again in the most intense way.
It must have been absolutely changing their theology too.
(10:25):
Oh, it was devastating, just absolutely devastating.
I mean, my mom was crying in tears every night just begging the Lord, and just no answers.
My dad actually had the opposite effect, in a good way, in the sense that before I got sick, he wasn't really in the Word.
I would go to Bible study, and I loved it, but my dad, he went to church, but he didn't really read Scripture.
(10:47):
But since I got sick, he was forced to start reading me the Bible, because I couldn't open my eyes.
I couldn't focus, and so he just grew to know the Lord in like this really cool way, and asking me questions.
It was almost like I was not parenting him, but giving him what I had learned in the Lord during my growth before my illness.
(11:08):
It was kind of one beautiful answer to prayer out of all this was that the Lord used my illness to grow me and my dad together.
As far as my mom goes, she still has those questions.
She's a believer, but her heart, it's still broken in terms of why, Lord, and she's still trying to find treatments.
I mean, her eyeballs are still bleeding from reading research articles.
(11:28):
I don't want to use the word given up, because after all, I've tried, but I really felt about three years ago that the Lord has called me to acceptance of this, and that was the most painful thing that I had to wrestle with when I first thought I heard that from him.
What is acceptance?
I thought you heal people.
I thought if we wait long enough, Lord, you heal everyone, and lo and behold, that's wrong theology.
(11:51):
I don't know if it's prosperity gospel or what, but it's just not the case.
The theology question is, suffering will literally put you in the dishwasher, and you will not come out the same.
You'll either come out extremely bitter, as I have in many times, which I'm not proud of, but now you're seeing me a bit later on this journey, having grown a bit more.
(12:13):
I'm sure you have seen the parallels between your story and the book of Job in the Bible of the suffering that was there, but we know that one of the main features of the book of Job is unhelpful friends who turn up, and they have their own advice, and, oh, look, they just curse God and die, and all this really bad advice.
(12:33):
Have there been people who have tried from a heart of wanting to help, giving you really bad advice, or just been lost for what to say to you?
Oh, absolutely.
In fact, my book is essentially a commentary on sufferings, and so Job is one of the main themes that I start with in chapter one, and it's sort of a thread that goes through.
(12:56):
I can't tell you how many times, and my church isn't even a prosperity gospel church, and I'm not blaming my fellow believers.
People don't understand chronic illness from, like, a general medical standpoint, let alone from a faith standpoint.
I almost wish there was a stanza in the Bible in Corinthians or something about, some of you I will allow to suffer with chronic illness, and those of you who don't have it should know that I'm using this for my purposes and my glory.
(13:21):
Something like that that would help other believers understand, because there were many times when I felt like people just couldn't receive that word from me when I was telling them, I really feel like God is calling me to stay in this valley.
I fought Him for four years.
I tried the treatments.
I just felt like they couldn't accept that, and I understand why, because everyone wants to believe that the Lord only saves, He only heals on this side of eternity, and He doesn't want us to suffer.
(13:49):
But the New Testament is so clear.
Jesus said, in this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world.
Take up your cross if you want to follow me.
Even Paul had his thorn in the flesh, but we never discussed that.
You know, we don't know what his thorn was, but God explicitly said, I will not heal it.
Paul had begged three times.
I don't think the church is really equipped.
(14:11):
I don't mean this in a mean way, because I wasn't.
That's why I was so angry at God for so many years.
There needs to be more discussion around general suffering, or I don't know.
I mean, it's such a tricky topic.
In the midst of the suffering that you're going through, a man walks in.
Tell me about that season in your life.
Yeah, so I had just started to sit up off the bed again.
(14:34):
You know, we cut the drugs.
I refused.
I said, I am not experimenting on my body anymore.
This guy who was an acquaintance at my church, we really were just acquaintances.
I mean, we had gone to a Christian camp together once years back.
He was this brilliant biochemical engineering PhD, and he was also a theology genius.
He was the youth leader at our church.
(14:54):
So he would preach on Sundays whenever Pastor Calvin called him, and he was also a missionary to Haiti.
He would go with this ministry to Haiti, and he would be one of the key preachers.
This man calls my mom and says, can I visit Laura?
I know we were friends way back.
I'd love to encourage her about her suffering.
It's been three years.
I want to start encouraging you guys.
Actually, he was praying for me the whole time, but I just couldn't receive.
(15:18):
We had a few phone calls.
But basically, he starts visiting me, and the plot twist is, he had just been diagnosed with his second terminal cancer.
He had had cancer as a child.
Miraculously, the Lord healed him, but this was a different type of cancer, completely different.
Our whole church was in tears.
I can't believe Matt was just diagnosed.
(15:38):
He was the youth leader, so he would make these wonderful devotional videos for the children, which adults loved listening to.
Long story short, he starts visiting me, and we debate theology until the wee hours while I'm laying down on that bed, and he's sitting next to me with his chemo pump.
We're like two sufferers grieving into the night, discussing theology.
(15:59):
I was, I mean, not yelling at him, but I was fiercely asking him, why are you still trusting the Lord?
I mean, he met me at a very bitter moment.
I'm telling you, Rodney, we just kind of fell in love.
And I know it sounds so ridiculous, but it's like that emotional intimacy of just understanding one another in terms of going through that grief.
(16:20):
I don't know, one day we just realized, like, we really enjoy each other's company.
And we started praying about, do we date?
Do we not date?
What is this?
I mean, Matt is dying of terminal cancer.
Is God going to do a miracle for him?
Our whole church was praying.
And long story short, I felt this peace from the Holy Spirit.
It took me a couple months, but the Lord really spoke to both of us about, no, take this joy in both of your mutual griefs.
(16:47):
Take this joy.
You know, I'm giving you as gifts to one another.
And we got married.
You can imagine how hard it was for me to get into a car, because the motion, I mean, the world is turning.
We had a wedding, and I walked down the aisle with my brain spinning, but I was able to keep my balance.
And we had one year of marriage, and then the Lord took him home.
(17:07):
It's an emotional story.
One of the things that I love about the story is that I know that he was someone who prayed for a range of people.
It was actually out of that, of wanting to come and pray for you, of encouraging you, that that romance sparked.
It wasn't out of, oh, I'm looking for someone.
It was out of his day-to-day routine of caring for others, his deep concern for others, his praying for others, that God brought this together.
(17:35):
Tell me about that.
Oh, absolutely.
And actually, I think Matt did say that once to me, what a beautiful gift God gave me when I wasn't even looking for this.
I, on the other hand, I had been single for many years, waiting for a wonderful Christian, godly man, and I was just begging the Lord.
And here God drops this man on my doorstep in my time of greatest need, when I would really have not expected.
(17:59):
God really does work in mysterious ways, right?
Like that's the saying, and it really does end up being true.
He wants to give you these surprises in your dungeons.
It was almost like a resurrection, even though we were both extremely ill.
And I still am, and Matt didn't heal.
So we were very much like the suffering couple, if you will.
(18:20):
I kind of hate that term, but our ministry turned into making devotionals for the youth group kids in terms of how do we have joy in suffering?
How do we rejoice always?
How do we give thanks in all circumstances?
How do we be sorrowful but rejoice?
God called us to this marriage for countless different reasons, one of which is that we fell madly in love.
God gave Matt this gift, really, when he wasn't looking for it.
(18:43):
It's like when we let God bless us in the ways that He plans, sometimes it ends up being better than what we ever could have tried to find ourselves.
I imagine that as the end of his days came around, and sadly you lost him after only one year of marriage, you're going through your own grief.
Absolutely.
But having been someone who has dealt with suffering, had those theological discussions with Matt about it all, and come to understand it, you're probably in a place where you're helping others through their grief, even though you're in the midst of it yourself.
(19:18):
Okay, I'll say two things.
One is thank you, because yes, that is partially true in the sense that I did feel like all of that had completely equipped me in the sense of, especially with my parents, because Matt really instilled in me a theology of death and suffering because he had the gift of wisdom.
(19:38):
It really helped me and my parents kind of maneuver that together, and seeing Matt's joy in hospice strengthened all of us to be able to move forward after his last breath.
I mean, I felt that joy of the Lord kind of equipping me.
Matt was facing this.
He told us to have joy.
If he has joy, shame be on us if we can't have joy and trust the Lord.
(20:00):
By the flip token, I will say that I was still weak.
I was very bitter at the Lord, not so much in the beginning.
You know, interestingly, in the beginning, I felt this flood of peace.
The Holy Spirit really sustained me, and then I think after sort of the chips lay where they did, I just started missing Matt and that sort of thing.
I knew all the answers.
(20:20):
I knew all the answers theologically.
I knew that the Lord has purposes.
I mean, I know the God had really drilled all of the wisdom into me, and yet I still was so selfish as to say, but Lord, why can't you do your purposes another way?
So the last year has really been a roller coaster of emotions, and I wanted to be honest in my book to show that sometimes the storms are hard.
(20:45):
I'm not perfect.
I definitely was not anywhere near as Christlike as Matt was, and I hope that someday I do get there.
What you're seeing now is definitely not the entitled brat that I was eight years ago.
No, seriously, you know, in terms of God owes me blessings, and He loves me, so He will bless me in an earthly sense.
So I have changed a lot.
(21:05):
When was the point that you decided, I need to put this down?
When was the nucleus of singing through fire?
Two months after Matt died, I was crying on that bed, and a friend calls me and goes, have you considered writing a book about your journey?
And I said, no.
I'm a lawyer.
I have no interest in being an author.
I've never had any interest in this sort of thing.
Now, I do love writing, and I love comedic writing, you know, because I'm an actor.
(21:29):
I love comedy.
I love expressing ideas through the written word performance.
The next day, another Christian mentor calls me and says, I don't know, I was thinking about you.
Have you considered writing a book?
And I said, okay, is this from the Lord?
So I start praying about it, and the following week, everywhere I turn, you know, my devotional, the Bible reading, I kept bumping into Ephesians 2.10, which is all about God preparing works in advance for us to do.
(21:55):
The light bulb clicked on, and I said, okay, Lord, I feel like You're giving me a job offer.
You want me to write down my testimony about what You've taught me about suffering through Matt's story, through my story, through the miraculous love story, through just the whole Job-like journey.
I mean, and I'm no Job.
And so I did it.
I wrote the book on that bed with my laptop on my knees, with my mom bringing food or whatever, you know, just to sustain me.
(22:20):
It took me eight months to write it, and then the last few months, I've been just marketing it.
God has really blessed the book.
I feel really humbled that He's encouraging others using what I've gone through.
I mean, He always redeemed suffering, and I think I finally believe that now.
I think one of the great things about the book is that it's not the story of someone who went through suffering and has now tied everything up with a neat bow, and we're done with that.
(22:48):
That's in the past, and these are the lessons we learned.
But rather, it's someone who is still going through the fire.
How different does that make your book?
Oh, you hit the nail, because one of my main themes, which I believed God was calling me to focus on, was having joy in the grief, in the fire.
And not to say anything mean about other Christian books on suffering, because I've read many, and they have helped me immeasurably.
(23:13):
But I feel like usually, or sometimes we tend to put our stories out in the world when we've had the deliverance, after we saw the redemption on this side of eternity, and it ties up.
In my case, like you said, I really feel like, no, I mean, I'm not going to see Matt until eternity.
I don't think I will see the full scope of, I'm still in the fire with extreme neurological pain on a chronic basis.
(23:36):
I think that I'm able to offer a perspective, and that's why I titled it, Singing Through Fire, right?
It's not singing after fire.
It's this idea in the New Testament that Paul says, we are in some sense called to suffer, and for mysterious reasons, including sometimes spreading the gospel.
Paul says his chains were to advance the gospel.
(23:57):
I mean, there's so many small verses in the New Testament, or even 2 Corinthians 4.17, for our light and momentary troubles are creating an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
By some mysterious measure, God is allowing and using our suffering to change us, and not only change us, to be almost like a testimony to the world around us.
(24:17):
Matt going through cancer, you should have seen our whole community.
I mean, no one left unchanged after watching Matt's last sermon in hospice to 30 youth group kids, watching him when Matt was literally 100 pounds as a 40-year-old man, just with a smile on his face, dying.
It's like Genesis 50.20, what Satan allowed for evil, God intended for good.
(24:38):
The joy in the fire is one of the key themes that I think as Christians, it's hard to do for obvious reasons, but we're called to it.
Matthew And I'm sure you've had plenty of advice from well-meaning people to say, you'll get through this, you'll be on the other side of this.
And obviously, we keep praying that that is the case, that there will be healing.
But as you've said, you don't know if that's going to be the case.
(25:01):
You might continue in this place for quite some time.
How often do you think people are saying that because they want that comfort for themselves, to think that if they are going through something that they'll be able to get through it, that there's a disconnect within themselves and their own faith of what suffering means?
(25:21):
Rebekah Oh, that's phenomenal.
Yeah, I think that probably is psychologically part of it, because we all want to control the Lord.
We all want our will, and our will is health, family, long life, good ministry, career, safety, and then we die.
No one wants the chronic pain, the cancer at age 40, the spouse commits adultery.
(25:42):
I mean, God forbid.
I mean, in other words, no one wants the trials.
I think that they do sort of project that on you sometimes as a coping mechanism.
I mean, I can't say for sure, but I'm assuming that that is a lot of what's going on.
But I think more what's happening is when you're not suffering, you don't really dissect.
I mean, who is sitting there dissecting verses on suffering?
(26:04):
I think God just illuminates during different seasons the verses and the doctrines that you need to focus on, obviously.
And if people are not suffering in the same way you are, whether it's a health issue or whatever, it's hard for them to relate.
I think part of it is not ignorance, but sort of just not being focused on a ministry of suffering the way Matt was as it was because of his first cancers.
(26:28):
Singing through fire hasn't been out for too long, as you say, but there's already been people that have been encouraged through it.
Has that been an encouragement to you when you hear those people who say, hey, this is finally something that I can resonate with, it makes sense to me?
Tears.
I've had women and men email me and just say, I feel like I totally misunderstood suffering and now having seen you deal with it and wrestle with it and hear answers from the Lord in the fire, and I'm not trying to pump myself, I'm just saying I was trying to share the wisdom God gave me and hearing that it has helped others.
(27:08):
You're right.
It has made me feel like, okay, Lord, you have
redeemed my suffering, whatever this looks like, and I'm sure you're doing a million more things
with it, but the fact that these 10 people, for example, have just gotten something that has
changed them or changed their view on you in their trials, because a lot of people have messaged me
(27:29):
about how, because everyone's going through their own trials, and that my book has encouraged them,
so I can't tell you how much that encourages me to keep going in my own trial.
As you say, everyone is going through their own trials, and they might not be as serious or severe as what you've faced, but I guess that means that the book is suitable for people, whether that is a massive suffering like you've experienced or whether it's just the day-to-day trials of life.
(27:57):
Absolutely, yeah.
It's a book about suffering, but the irony is, because I'm a comedian, I tried to make it a comical piece.
And again, there's the joy of the Lord.
I wanted to show that the Lord really carried me through, not necessarily with humor, but just with His joy, you know, and I think laughter is one of God's greatest gifts to humanity.
So, I wanted to make it a book that was also different in that sense, that people could enjoy reading rather than, oh God, we have to read about some woman who was on a bed and, you know, her husband died, and who cares?
(28:30):
We've been made in the image of a creative God, and you're still finding opportunity to create.
I guess that must be one of those things, those threads through your life that continues to bring you joy in the midst of the suffering.
Oh, absolutely.
And in fact, that's why I called my book Singing Through Fire, because I'm a jazz singer, singing since I was young.
(28:53):
I've done musicals, I'm an actor, I love drama.
When I started sitting up, I just started sort of singing again in terms of just one song, and then I would feel extremely faint and I would lie back down, but God started giving me music again.
And in fact, more and more, I've been able to just sing more and put on covers on YouTube.
I mean, you know, just put my camera in front of me, sing a tune and play piano.
(29:16):
I even started learning violin without putting my chin down too far so that I don't spin as hard.
I put all those creative endeavors in my book to show that I was singing through the fire, even with all my anger and bitterness.
Like, the Lord sustained me by constantly giving me other gifts that were really surprising.
It's like, OK, I'm not healing you, I'm not healing Matt, but I'm giving you other blessings which are going to sustain you through this fire, because I know what sustains you.
(29:45):
You're my daughter, I made you, I created you to be creative.
And so I thought the title was a cool pun that was metaphorical, you know, like Paul and Silas.
Well, actually, Paul and Silas were literally singing in the prison.
But it's like singing literally and metaphorically by trusting God in our fires.
Now, I know that people are going to find great help by reading Singing Through Fire, and I have the link in my show notes at bleedingdaylight.net so that people can find that easily.
(30:12):
But for someone who's just listening at the moment, and you've just got a couple of sentences to say to them, someone who is going through their own suffering, what would you say to a person in that place right now?
I would say that I understand your pain, even though I don't know exactly what you're going through.
I understand the deep ache and longing of wanting your God to just come and take you out of that situation.
(30:36):
Like, I understand that emotion and how difficult it is to wrestle with God when He's not answering your prayers in the way you'd like.
But I would say that if you give the Lord time, He will show you in small ways and sometimes in large ways how He is redeeming that suffering.
I mean, you might not know the micro reasons, but you will know the macro reasons.
(31:00):
God will comfort you the way He did for me.
You know, I don't know the specific why's on why my husband had to die and why I lose my legal career and whatever, but the Lord did comfort me in terms of drawing near and giving me His presence specifically by assuring me of the promises in the Bible about how suffering has a purpose.
And I'd like to focus you guys, just as a last word, on my favorite verse, which I mentioned earlier, which is 2 Corinthians 4.17. And it's really a mysterious verse about how God is using these light and momentary troubles, even though they don't feel light and momentary, okay?
(31:35):
But those troubles, the Word says He's using them to achieve our eternal glory, okay?
The Bible literally says in a shocking way that God is going to share His glory with us in heaven.
And I don't know what that looks like, but I have a whole chapter in my book about how somehow, and I've watched many sermons on this verse, you know, somehow God is using these fires to, I don't know if it's mold our character or just touch other people's lives.
(32:02):
I mean, there's butterfly effects going on with ripple effects with all of your suffering.
Like, you don't know why God is keeping you in the fire, but you have to know He's doing a million things you can't see that you will see on the other side of eternity, and you will see it as eternal glory.
So, maybe reflect on that verse, because that verse really helped me this last eight years.
(32:25):
Lara, it has been an absolute delight to hear some of your story, and I know that as a creative person, this is not the last we will hear of you.
There's more to come.
But I want to say thank you so much for what you've done.
Thank you for the book.
It's been a pleasure.
Thank you for spending your time today on Bleeding Daylight.
Thanks so much, Rodney.
Thank you for listening to Bleeding Daylight.
(32:47):
Please help us to shine more light into the darkness by sharing this episode with others.
For further details and more episodes, please visit bleedingdaylight.net
Wherever there are shadows, there are people ready to kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight.
This is Bleeding Daylight with your host, Rodney Olsen.
Welcome and thanks for taking the time to listen to today's episode.
You can hear hundreds more inspiring episodes now at bleedingdaylight.net.
(00:29):
Please tell others about Bleeding Daylight so they can be inspired too.
Today I'll introduce you to a remarkable guest who has not only faced life's struggles but continues to deal with ongoing complex health issues.
How do we find strength, comfort and peace in the midst of the turmoil?
(00:53):
My guest can help us find the answer.
I'm so honoured to have Lara Silverman join me today.
Lara is a former attorney whose life was radically redirected when a severe neurological illness took her from the courtroom to being bedridden for years.
(01:16):
But this isn't a story of giving up.
It's about what happens when faith meets the fire.
Through unimaginable loss, including the recent death of her husband after just one year of marriage, Lara has somehow emerged as a jazz singer, comedian and bestselling author of the book Singing Through Fire, who's choosing to laugh and create in the midst of ongoing pain.
(01:40):
Her story challenges everything we think we know about suffering, sovereignty and the surprising ways God shows up in the wilderness.
Lara, welcome to Bleeding Daylight.
Thanks so much, Rodney.
It's such an honour to be here.
Now, I want to know about those days when it seemed that life was going from strength to strength, when you had a growing law career and the world seemed like it was at your feet.
(02:03):
Can you tell me what was life like back then?
Sure.
I went to Stanford Law School.
I had always wanted to be a lawyer and I worked at a big law firm.
I loved it.
It was for five years and I also worked for a couple of federal judges.
At the start of my dream job as a federal prosecutor, I fell mysteriously ill two weeks into the job.
(02:24):
I had been healthy as a horse for 30 years, which is why it was so strange.
The doctors threw maybe 10 different diagnoses at me.
None of the treatments worked.
I've been fighting it ever since.
It's been eight years.
It's a chronic illness.
We don't quite know exactly what's going on still.
I mean, we have some diagnoses, but the fact that 150 treatments have not worked, my parents and I have tried, you name it, we've tried it from East Coast doctors.
(02:52):
We consulted British experts.
I mean, we've been through the gamut the last eight years and the Lord has really not opened any doors in the sense of healing.
And so right now you see me sitting up, but after this podcast, I'm going to slam back down on my bed because I'm still bedridden about 65% of the day.
So I still sit up.
I try cope as long as I can.
(03:13):
It has to do with the connection between my ear and my brain.
That's about all we know because I have a persistent sensation of nonstop vertigo, which is very debilitating.
So the minute I sit up, I feel harder spinning and we just don't know why.
But that's sort of the broad story.
And in that God did many miracles in other senses, but not as far as the healing goes.
(03:36):
Many of us would have experienced bouts of vertigo and we know how debilitating that can be.
But I guess when it's something that is consistently there, that's another story.
Did you at first think or did the doctors at first think that this was just vertigo that they were going to treat in the same way that they would normally treat vertigo and then find out, hey, this is something different.
(03:58):
This is something persistent.
Exactly.
That's how it started.
The first 10 months we were saying, oh, this is just, you know, vestibular migraines or whatever.
I mean, all the typical diagnoses.
But when we saw that the treatments were not working, we started having to think, OK, hold up, maybe our diagnoses are incorrect.
But after countless CAT scans, MRIs, hospitalizations, we still don't really know quite what's going on.
(04:22):
The doctors have not been able to help, frankly.
And at this stage, you're a young woman who is heading towards the prime of her career.
You've been very successful to this point.
It must have been so dispiriting for you to be in this place where you didn't know when this was going to end.
And as we know now, it continues.
(04:42):
Even in those early days, you would have thought, well, this has got to end sometime.
I can get back to life sometime.
And yet that time just never, never came.
How did that make you feel emotionally during that period?
Oh, you have to read my memoir because I wanted to be extremely authentic.
I mean, what's the point in lying?
You know, I wanted to show other believers that we do go through these struggles.
(05:04):
And it was very difficult for me as a type A person who was very driven and very career focused and viewed career very much as a blessing from the Lord.
It was very hard for me to understand why he opened the door to the job, which was what was even more confusing to me because I had to interview.
I was selected out of thousands of applications as this prestigious job.
(05:26):
And then I had to resign.
And it was so embarrassing.
But I will say that emotionally, the Holy Spirit did sustain me in the sense that he walked me through that when the United States Attorney's Office was like, OK, we gave you a leave for 10 months.
This is it.
You need to either quit or come back.
Like what's happening?
And none of the treatments were working.
In fact, many of the treatments were making me worse.
(05:48):
But I just sensed from the Holy Spirit after months of praying that I want you to just resign.
And obviously, my circumstances required it because I just could not function at the level that I needed to.
The Lord really comforted me in terms of I have a purpose for this, like in subtle ways.
I still don't know the purpose eight years down, but I know that he has a purpose.
(06:10):
And that's a deeper discussion.
Emotionally, it was very difficult.
Self-worth.
I mean, all of the questions.
You're already having your ideas about faith, your ideas about God reshaped as you start to go through this terrible illness.
But tell me about your faith story up to this point.
(06:31):
Were you someone who came from a family of faith?
Were you a Christian family?
What was the story there?
Absolutely.
I was raised in a strong Christian family.
My grandfather was a pastor in the Middle East before they immigrated here.
My church is an Armenian evangelical church, strong theology.
But I wasn't raised in a theology of suffering because, thank God, I was shielded from suffering as a child.
(06:55):
I mean, I had great parents.
I hadn't been exposed to what it means to take up your cross.
All of the New Testament teachings, essentially, that we are called, in some sense, to suffer for the Lord.
I had a strong backing in terms, I mean, my faith was pretty strong.
I was going to Bible study.
I really did love the Lord.
I'm glad I had at least that foundation.
(07:18):
But it almost, in some senses, not that it made it worse to have so much love for the Lord, if you will, but it was almost like it made it feel more like the Lord was betraying me.
Because when you love the Lord so much and you're like, oh, God's going to protect me and He loves me so much, and then you're dropped in this fire.
And all the questions that atheists don't struggle with in terms of, why is a good God allowing this?
(07:42):
Why isn't He answering my prayers?
If my earthly Father will heal me in an instant, why won't my heavenly Father give me relief?
All the questions, as you mentioned earlier, I mean, my theology has been completely turned upside down in many ways, and it didn't take long.
As you started to think through some of the issues, you're in this terrible place of not knowing when or if there'll be some kind of treatment that will work and your theology is being reshaped.
(08:10):
This has thrown everything upside down, hasn't it?
I mean, what were you able to do in those times?
As you say, mostly bedridden.
Were you still trying to have some sort of life outside of that, or did you start to think, well, this is how it goes for me now?
Basically, I didn't have a choice because right after I resigned, I was strictly bedridden on that bed for three years with my eyes closed, with my mother nursing me on a bedpan.
(08:36):
So, in other words, my symptoms were so debilitating, and the drugs that we were taking, which were supposed to help me, just aggravated my symptoms, popping one pharmaceutical after the next.
It was just insanely painful for my brain and my body, and I could not sit up.
So, in other words, I didn't even have a chance to have a life.
I mean, I became essentially an invalid on a bed, going from being a high-powered courtroom lawyer to just completely non-functional.
(09:04):
It changed my whole life.
There came a point three years into the bed where we decided no more drugs because this is just making our child worse, and I started to try sitting up again without the drugs, and nothing had changed.
The world still spins, and what's spinning still is.
You know, right now, you can't see it because neurological illnesses are invisible, but at least I was able to start sitting up without my blood pressure dropping, and that part was kind of a miracle in terms of, okay, well, how come I couldn't do that for three years?
(09:36):
You've got to read the book, and I tried to make it very comical because I'm a comedian.
I love acting, and the topic is so heavy that I figured I have to just make this relatable and digestible, because I can't remember who said this, but tragedy is comedy in reverse.
I really do think if you can look for it, there's so many ways to make fun of yourself in the situation, and how God gives you grace in the most unexpected ways, and how you wrestle with him when he doesn't give you the grace you think you need.
(10:04):
In the same way that your theology is being changed and reshaped by what you're going through, you also have parents who have brought you up and got you towards this great career, and suddenly having to parent again in the most intense way.
It must have been absolutely changing their theology too.
(10:25):
Oh, it was devastating, just absolutely devastating.
I mean, my mom was crying in tears every night just begging the Lord, and just no answers.
My dad actually had the opposite effect, in a good way, in the sense that before I got sick, he wasn't really in the Word.
I would go to Bible study, and I loved it, but my dad, he went to church, but he didn't really read Scripture.
(10:47):
But since I got sick, he was forced to start reading me the Bible, because I couldn't open my eyes.
I couldn't focus, and so he just grew to know the Lord in like this really cool way, and asking me questions.
It was almost like I was not parenting him, but giving him what I had learned in the Lord during my growth before my illness.
(11:08):
It was kind of one beautiful answer to prayer out of all this was that the Lord used my illness to grow me and my dad together.
As far as my mom goes, she still has those questions.
She's a believer, but her heart, it's still broken in terms of why, Lord, and she's still trying to find treatments.
I mean, her eyeballs are still bleeding from reading research articles.
(11:28):
I don't want to use the word given up, because after all, I've tried, but I really felt about three years ago that the Lord has called me to acceptance of this, and that was the most painful thing that I had to wrestle with when I first thought I heard that from him.
What is acceptance?
I thought you heal people.
I thought if we wait long enough, Lord, you heal everyone, and lo and behold, that's wrong theology.
(11:51):
I don't know if it's prosperity gospel or what, but it's just not the case.
The theology question is, suffering will literally put you in the dishwasher, and you will not come out the same.
You'll either come out extremely bitter, as I have in many times, which I'm not proud of, but now you're seeing me a bit later on this journey, having grown a bit more.
(12:13):
I'm sure you have seen the parallels between your story and the book of Job in the Bible of the suffering that was there, but we know that one of the main features of the book of Job is unhelpful friends who turn up, and they have their own advice, and, oh, look, they just curse God and die, and all this really bad advice.
(12:33):
Have there been people who have tried from a heart of wanting to help, giving you really bad advice, or just been lost for what to say to you?
Oh, absolutely.
In fact, my book is essentially a commentary on sufferings, and so Job is one of the main themes that I start with in chapter one, and it's sort of a thread that goes through.
(12:56):
I can't tell you how many times, and my church isn't even a prosperity gospel church, and I'm not blaming my fellow believers.
People don't understand chronic illness from, like, a general medical standpoint, let alone from a faith standpoint.
I almost wish there was a stanza in the Bible in Corinthians or something about, some of you I will allow to suffer with chronic illness, and those of you who don't have it should know that I'm using this for my purposes and my glory.
(13:21):
Something like that that would help other believers understand, because there were many times when I felt like people just couldn't receive that word from me when I was telling them, I really feel like God is calling me to stay in this valley.
I fought Him for four years.
I tried the treatments.
I just felt like they couldn't accept that, and I understand why, because everyone wants to believe that the Lord only saves, He only heals on this side of eternity, and He doesn't want us to suffer.
(13:49):
But the New Testament is so clear.
Jesus said, in this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world.
Take up your cross if you want to follow me.
Even Paul had his thorn in the flesh, but we never discussed that.
You know, we don't know what his thorn was, but God explicitly said, I will not heal it.
Paul had begged three times.
I don't think the church is really equipped.
(14:11):
I don't mean this in a mean way, because I wasn't.
That's why I was so angry at God for so many years.
There needs to be more discussion around general suffering, or I don't know.
I mean, it's such a tricky topic.
In the midst of the suffering that you're going through, a man walks in.
Tell me about that season in your life.
Yeah, so I had just started to sit up off the bed again.
(14:34):
You know, we cut the drugs.
I refused.
I said, I am not experimenting on my body anymore.
This guy who was an acquaintance at my church, we really were just acquaintances.
I mean, we had gone to a Christian camp together once years back.
He was this brilliant biochemical engineering PhD, and he was also a theology genius.
He was the youth leader at our church.
(14:54):
So he would preach on Sundays whenever Pastor Calvin called him, and he was also a missionary to Haiti.
He would go with this ministry to Haiti, and he would be one of the key preachers.
This man calls my mom and says, can I visit Laura?
I know we were friends way back.
I'd love to encourage her about her suffering.
It's been three years.
I want to start encouraging you guys.
Actually, he was praying for me the whole time, but I just couldn't receive.
(15:18):
We had a few phone calls.
But basically, he starts visiting me, and the plot twist is, he had just been diagnosed with his second terminal cancer.
He had had cancer as a child.
Miraculously, the Lord healed him, but this was a different type of cancer, completely different.
Our whole church was in tears.
I can't believe Matt was just diagnosed.
(15:38):
He was the youth leader, so he would make these wonderful devotional videos for the children, which adults loved listening to.
Long story short, he starts visiting me, and we debate theology until the wee hours while I'm laying down on that bed, and he's sitting next to me with his chemo pump.
We're like two sufferers grieving into the night, discussing theology.
(15:59):
I was, I mean, not yelling at him, but I was fiercely asking him, why are you still trusting the Lord?
I mean, he met me at a very bitter moment.
I'm telling you, Rodney, we just kind of fell in love.
And I know it sounds so ridiculous, but it's like that emotional intimacy of just understanding one another in terms of going through that grief.
(16:20):
I don't know, one day we just realized, like, we really enjoy each other's company.
And we started praying about, do we date?
Do we not date?
What is this?
I mean, Matt is dying of terminal cancer.
Is God going to do a miracle for him?
Our whole church was praying.
And long story short, I felt this peace from the Holy Spirit.
It took me a couple months, but the Lord really spoke to both of us about, no, take this joy in both of your mutual griefs.
(16:47):
Take this joy.
You know, I'm giving you as gifts to one another.
And we got married.
You can imagine how hard it was for me to get into a car, because the motion, I mean, the world is turning.
We had a wedding, and I walked down the aisle with my brain spinning, but I was able to keep my balance.
And we had one year of marriage, and then the Lord took him home.
(17:07):
It's an emotional story.
One of the things that I love about the story is that I know that he was someone who prayed for a range of people.
It was actually out of that, of wanting to come and pray for you, of encouraging you, that that romance sparked.
It wasn't out of, oh, I'm looking for someone.
It was out of his day-to-day routine of caring for others, his deep concern for others, his praying for others, that God brought this together.
(17:35):
Tell me about that.
Oh, absolutely.
And actually, I think Matt did say that once to me, what a beautiful gift God gave me when I wasn't even looking for this.
I, on the other hand, I had been single for many years, waiting for a wonderful Christian, godly man, and I was just begging the Lord.
And here God drops this man on my doorstep in my time of greatest need, when I would really have not expected.
(17:59):
God really does work in mysterious ways, right?
Like that's the saying, and it really does end up being true.
He wants to give you these surprises in your dungeons.
It was almost like a resurrection, even though we were both extremely ill.
And I still am, and Matt didn't heal.
So we were very much like the suffering couple, if you will.
(18:20):
I kind of hate that term, but our ministry turned into making devotionals for the youth group kids in terms of how do we have joy in suffering?
How do we rejoice always?
How do we give thanks in all circumstances?
How do we be sorrowful but rejoice?
God called us to this marriage for countless different reasons, one of which is that we fell madly in love.
God gave Matt this gift, really, when he wasn't looking for it.
(18:43):
It's like when we let God bless us in the ways that He plans, sometimes it ends up being better than what we ever could have tried to find ourselves.
I imagine that as the end of his days came around, and sadly you lost him after only one year of marriage, you're going through your own grief.
Absolutely.
But having been someone who has dealt with suffering, had those theological discussions with Matt about it all, and come to understand it, you're probably in a place where you're helping others through their grief, even though you're in the midst of it yourself.
(19:18):
Okay, I'll say two things.
One is thank you, because yes, that is partially true in the sense that I did feel like all of that had completely equipped me in the sense of, especially with my parents, because Matt really instilled in me a theology of death and suffering because he had the gift of wisdom.
(19:38):
It really helped me and my parents kind of maneuver that together, and seeing Matt's joy in hospice strengthened all of us to be able to move forward after his last breath.
I mean, I felt that joy of the Lord kind of equipping me.
Matt was facing this.
He told us to have joy.
If he has joy, shame be on us if we can't have joy and trust the Lord.
(20:00):
By the flip token, I will say that I was still weak.
I was very bitter at the Lord, not so much in the beginning.
You know, interestingly, in the beginning, I felt this flood of peace.
The Holy Spirit really sustained me, and then I think after sort of the chips lay where they did, I just started missing Matt and that sort of thing.
I knew all the answers.
(20:20):
I knew all the answers theologically.
I knew that the Lord has purposes.
I mean, I know the God had really drilled all of the wisdom into me, and yet I still was so selfish as to say, but Lord, why can't you do your purposes another way?
So the last year has really been a roller coaster of emotions, and I wanted to be honest in my book to show that sometimes the storms are hard.
(20:45):
I'm not perfect.
I definitely was not anywhere near as Christlike as Matt was, and I hope that someday I do get there.
What you're seeing now is definitely not the entitled brat that I was eight years ago.
No, seriously, you know, in terms of God owes me blessings, and He loves me, so He will bless me in an earthly sense.
So I have changed a lot.
(21:05):
When was the point that you decided, I need to put this down?
When was the nucleus of singing through fire?
Two months after Matt died, I was crying on that bed, and a friend calls me and goes, have you considered writing a book about your journey?
And I said, no.
I'm a lawyer.
I have no interest in being an author.
I've never had any interest in this sort of thing.
Now, I do love writing, and I love comedic writing, you know, because I'm an actor.
(21:29):
I love comedy.
I love expressing ideas through the written word performance.
The next day, another Christian mentor calls me and says, I don't know, I was thinking about you.
Have you considered writing a book?
And I said, okay, is this from the Lord?
So I start praying about it, and the following week, everywhere I turn, you know, my devotional, the Bible reading, I kept bumping into Ephesians 2.10, which is all about God preparing works in advance for us to do.
(21:55):
The light bulb clicked on, and I said, okay, Lord, I feel like You're giving me a job offer.
You want me to write down my testimony about what You've taught me about suffering through Matt's story, through my story, through the miraculous love story, through just the whole Job-like journey.
I mean, and I'm no Job.
And so I did it.
I wrote the book on that bed with my laptop on my knees, with my mom bringing food or whatever, you know, just to sustain me.
(22:20):
It took me eight months to write it, and then the last few months, I've been just marketing it.
God has really blessed the book.
I feel really humbled that He's encouraging others using what I've gone through.
I mean, He always redeemed suffering, and I think I finally believe that now.
I think one of the great things about the book is that it's not the story of someone who went through suffering and has now tied everything up with a neat bow, and we're done with that.
(22:48):
That's in the past, and these are the lessons we learned.
But rather, it's someone who is still going through the fire.
How different does that make your book?
Oh, you hit the nail, because one of my main themes, which I believed God was calling me to focus on, was having joy in the grief, in the fire.
And not to say anything mean about other Christian books on suffering, because I've read many, and they have helped me immeasurably.
(23:13):
But I feel like usually, or sometimes we tend to put our stories out in the world when we've had the deliverance, after we saw the redemption on this side of eternity, and it ties up.
In my case, like you said, I really feel like, no, I mean, I'm not going to see Matt until eternity.
I don't think I will see the full scope of, I'm still in the fire with extreme neurological pain on a chronic basis.
(23:36):
I think that I'm able to offer a perspective, and that's why I titled it, Singing Through Fire, right?
It's not singing after fire.
It's this idea in the New Testament that Paul says, we are in some sense called to suffer, and for mysterious reasons, including sometimes spreading the gospel.
Paul says his chains were to advance the gospel.
(23:57):
I mean, there's so many small verses in the New Testament, or even 2 Corinthians 4.17, for our light and momentary troubles are creating an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
By some mysterious measure, God is allowing and using our suffering to change us, and not only change us, to be almost like a testimony to the world around us.
(24:17):
Matt going through cancer, you should have seen our whole community.
I mean, no one left unchanged after watching Matt's last sermon in hospice to 30 youth group kids, watching him when Matt was literally 100 pounds as a 40-year-old man, just with a smile on his face, dying.
It's like Genesis 50.20, what Satan allowed for evil, God intended for good.
(24:38):
The joy in the fire is one of the key themes that I think as Christians, it's hard to do for obvious reasons, but we're called to it.
Matthew And I'm sure you've had plenty of advice from well-meaning people to say, you'll get through this, you'll be on the other side of this.
And obviously, we keep praying that that is the case, that there will be healing.
But as you've said, you don't know if that's going to be the case.
(25:01):
You might continue in this place for quite some time.
How often do you think people are saying that because they want that comfort for themselves, to think that if they are going through something that they'll be able to get through it, that there's a disconnect within themselves and their own faith of what suffering means?
(25:21):
Rebekah Oh, that's phenomenal.
Yeah, I think that probably is psychologically part of it, because we all want to control the Lord.
We all want our will, and our will is health, family, long life, good ministry, career, safety, and then we die.
No one wants the chronic pain, the cancer at age 40, the spouse commits adultery.
(25:42):
I mean, God forbid.
I mean, in other words, no one wants the trials.
I think that they do sort of project that on you sometimes as a coping mechanism.
I mean, I can't say for sure, but I'm assuming that that is a lot of what's going on.
But I think more what's happening is when you're not suffering, you don't really dissect.
I mean, who is sitting there dissecting verses on suffering?
(26:04):
I think God just illuminates during different seasons the verses and the doctrines that you need to focus on, obviously.
And if people are not suffering in the same way you are, whether it's a health issue or whatever, it's hard for them to relate.
I think part of it is not ignorance, but sort of just not being focused on a ministry of suffering the way Matt was as it was because of his first cancers.
(26:28):
Singing through fire hasn't been out for too long, as you say, but there's already been people that have been encouraged through it.
Has that been an encouragement to you when you hear those people who say, hey, this is finally something that I can resonate with, it makes sense to me?
Tears.
I've had women and men email me and just say, I feel like I totally misunderstood suffering and now having seen you deal with it and wrestle with it and hear answers from the Lord in the fire, and I'm not trying to pump myself, I'm just saying I was trying to share the wisdom God gave me and hearing that it has helped others.
(27:08):
You're right.
It has made me feel like, okay, Lord, you have
redeemed my suffering, whatever this looks like, and I'm sure you're doing a million more things
with it, but the fact that these 10 people, for example, have just gotten something that has
changed them or changed their view on you in their trials, because a lot of people have messaged me
(27:29):
about how, because everyone's going through their own trials, and that my book has encouraged them,
so I can't tell you how much that encourages me to keep going in my own trial.
As you say, everyone is going through their own trials, and they might not be as serious or severe as what you've faced, but I guess that means that the book is suitable for people, whether that is a massive suffering like you've experienced or whether it's just the day-to-day trials of life.
(27:57):
Absolutely, yeah.
It's a book about suffering, but the irony is, because I'm a comedian, I tried to make it a comical piece.
And again, there's the joy of the Lord.
I wanted to show that the Lord really carried me through, not necessarily with humor, but just with His joy, you know, and I think laughter is one of God's greatest gifts to humanity.
So, I wanted to make it a book that was also different in that sense, that people could enjoy reading rather than, oh God, we have to read about some woman who was on a bed and, you know, her husband died, and who cares?
(28:30):
We've been made in the image of a creative God, and you're still finding opportunity to create.
I guess that must be one of those things, those threads through your life that continues to bring you joy in the midst of the suffering.
Oh, absolutely.
And in fact, that's why I called my book Singing Through Fire, because I'm a jazz singer, singing since I was young.
(28:53):
I've done musicals, I'm an actor, I love drama.
When I started sitting up, I just started sort of singing again in terms of just one song, and then I would feel extremely faint and I would lie back down, but God started giving me music again.
And in fact, more and more, I've been able to just sing more and put on covers on YouTube.
I mean, you know, just put my camera in front of me, sing a tune and play piano.
(29:16):
I even started learning violin without putting my chin down too far so that I don't spin as hard.
I put all those creative endeavors in my book to show that I was singing through the fire, even with all my anger and bitterness.
Like, the Lord sustained me by constantly giving me other gifts that were really surprising.
It's like, OK, I'm not healing you, I'm not healing Matt, but I'm giving you other blessings which are going to sustain you through this fire, because I know what sustains you.
(29:45):
You're my daughter, I made you, I created you to be creative.
And so I thought the title was a cool pun that was metaphorical, you know, like Paul and Silas.
Well, actually, Paul and Silas were literally singing in the prison.
But it's like singing literally and metaphorically by trusting God in our fires.
Now, I know that people are going to find great help by reading Singing Through Fire, and I have the link in my show notes at bleedingdaylight.net so that people can find that easily.
(30:12):
But for someone who's just listening at the moment, and you've just got a couple of sentences to say to them, someone who is going through their own suffering, what would you say to a person in that place right now?
I would say that I understand your pain, even though I don't know exactly what you're going through.
I understand the deep ache and longing of wanting your God to just come and take you out of that situation.
(30:36):
Like, I understand that emotion and how difficult it is to wrestle with God when He's not answering your prayers in the way you'd like.
But I would say that if you give the Lord time, He will show you in small ways and sometimes in large ways how He is redeeming that suffering.
I mean, you might not know the micro reasons, but you will know the macro reasons.
(31:00):
God will comfort you the way He did for me.
You know, I don't know the specific why's on why my husband had to die and why I lose my legal career and whatever, but the Lord did comfort me in terms of drawing near and giving me His presence specifically by assuring me of the promises in the Bible about how suffering has a purpose.
And I'd like to focus you guys, just as a last word, on my favorite verse, which I mentioned earlier, which is 2 Corinthians 4.17. And it's really a mysterious verse about how God is using these light and momentary troubles, even though they don't feel light and momentary, okay?
(31:35):
But those troubles, the Word says He's using them to achieve our eternal glory, okay?
The Bible literally says in a shocking way that God is going to share His glory with us in heaven.
And I don't know what that looks like, but I have a whole chapter in my book about how somehow, and I've watched many sermons on this verse, you know, somehow God is using these fires to, I don't know if it's mold our character or just touch other people's lives.
(32:02):
I mean, there's butterfly effects going on with ripple effects with all of your suffering.
Like, you don't know why God is keeping you in the fire, but you have to know He's doing a million things you can't see that you will see on the other side of eternity, and you will see it as eternal glory.
So, maybe reflect on that verse, because that verse really helped me this last eight years.
(32:25):
Lara, it has been an absolute delight to hear some of your story, and I know that as a creative person, this is not the last we will hear of you.
There's more to come.
But I want to say thank you so much for what you've done.
Thank you for the book.
It's been a pleasure.
Thank you for spending your time today on Bleeding Daylight.
Thanks so much, Rodney.
Thank you for listening to Bleeding Daylight.
(32:47):
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For further details and more episodes, please visit bleedingdaylight.net
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