November 18, 2024 • 49 mins
What if you could navigate holiday stress with a little more ease? This episode of the Brainy Moms podcast promises to equip you with insightful strategies for beating those seasonal pressures.
Holiday family dynamics can be a minefield, but Dr. Amy and Sandy have got you covered with thoughtful approaches to a little more harmony. As families expand and evolve, coordinating plans can become more challenging, especially when loved ones are absent. We talk about fostering meaningful connections, managing grief, and ensuring everyone feels included. Plus, we tackle the topic of holiday indulgences, offering tips for moderation and meeting dietary needs to keep celebrations joyful and stress-free.
We share our personal experiences and solutions, from the practical benefits of a Christmas share account to the art of mindful budgeting, ensuring you minimize the dreaded post-holiday debt. Discover cost-saving ideas such as gift exchanges and the three-gift rule, and learn how to strategically use Black Friday and Cyber Monday to your advantage without losing sight of what truly matters.
Embracing intentional holiday planning can transform how you experience this festive season. We explore how balancing activities and downtime can enrich children's school vacations. Redefining traditions to reflect personal desires allows for a more authentic celebration filled with gratitude and kindness. By prioritizing what truly brings joy, you can shape a holiday season that strengthens relationships even amidst inevitable challenges. Join us!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dr. Amy Moore (00:02):
Hi smart moms and dads.
Welcome to another episode ofthe Brainy Moms podcast brought
to you today by LearningRx BrainTraining Centers.
I'm Dr Amy Moore and I am herewith Sandy Zimalis and we are
going to talk about holidaystress.
So there was the study put outby the American Psychological
Association about this time lastyear that said nine out of 10
(00:25):
people experience some sort ofincreased stress over the
holidays, and so it's happeningright Like we are entering into
holiday season or in the middleof holiday season, and I think
we ought to talk about some waysthat we can mitigate some of
that stress.
Why people are experiencingstress, what causes that.
(00:48):
Let's give our listeners maybesome tried and true tips that we
have.
Hi, sandy.
Sandy Zamalis (00:56):
Good morning.
I always feel like this time ofyear is a gauntlet.
Right, it's just a gauntlet,especially if you have school
age kids, because there's justso many events that you're
trying to put into your schedule.
There's family expectations,there's all of the things to do,
food to cook, cleaning,decorating I mean the list goes
(01:18):
on and on and on and on.
So I think maybe what we shouldtalk about is you know what are
some of, what are some maybethe top topics that we find that
people really think are causingsome of that stress?
Dr. Amy Moore (01:33):
Yeah, so I think one of the top stressors is
money.
Sure Right, I mean holidays,especially in an inflation year
inflation year, yeah, but I mean, if you think about it, it
costs money to entertain duringthe holidays.
(01:53):
It costs money to participatein gift exchanges.
It costs money to buy gifts forfamily, for your kids, for your
friends.
It costs money.
Sandy Zamalis (02:02):
To travel?
Yeah, oh, to travel.
Dr. Amy Moore (02:05):
Absolutely, and so you know, being able to work
all that into your budget isstressful.
Right, Deciding what yourbudget is can be stressful.
Realizing that your budget isprobably a lot smaller than you
want it to be is stressful.
So money, I think, is one ofthe top stressors.
Sandy Zamalis (02:27):
So that's a great point.
So years ago my husband kind ofmade me open up a Christmas
share account.
As I know, most banks have likea Christmas share account, like
a little envelope that you putmoney in every month.
You can't touch it until theygive it to you back into your
(02:48):
checking account in October.
Have you ever used somethinglike that, Just something where
at least you're saving money forthe occasion?
Yeah, that has been really,really helpful.
I don't know that I went intothat willingly, but my husband's
an envelope guy.
He's very much a oh, a DaveRamsey Well not even, I think
even before Dave Ramsey but he'sjust very much.
I mean, likes his envelopes,Like he's got a performance fund
(03:12):
because he's a car guy, right,so money goes into that envelope
.
We've got the savings envelopeand the checking envelope and
the Christmas fund, you know.
Dr. Amy Moore (03:20):
So yeah, he's just an envelope thinker and I
am not that I'm like a whole potkind of thinker.
Sandy Zamalis (03:27):
But you know what ?
It's really nice when thatmoney gets put into the checking
account in October and it'slike, oh all right, this is my
money, this is what I can spendfor the holidays and I don't
have that stressor anymore.
So that has been really helpful.
Have you guys used a strategyon the money side?
Dr. Amy Moore (03:48):
So early on, when the kids were little, I used to
just spend and spend and spend.
Right, I would take their list,I would buy everything on their
list because I wanted my kidsto feel excited about Christmas
morning.
And then I would spend threemonths working down the
(04:10):
Christmas debt, right.
So I'd spend January, february,march and sometimes April when
my tax refund would come inpaying off the credit cards from
overspending at Christmas.
And so one year it's probablybeen 15 years ago Jeff said why
(04:34):
don't we look at our financesbefore you start spending for
Christmas and only spend what wehave, so that we don't have to
spend four months and our taxreturn paying off Christmas debt
?
And so then that made me startto think.
Well, I wasn't even intentionalin budgeting, right, I was just
(04:57):
buying off the list superirresponsible.
Sandy Zamalis (05:02):
And so yes.
Dr. Amy Moore (05:04):
Right.
So now I you know I look at ourfinances in the fall and go,
okay, what's reasonable?
You know what won't put me in?
Sandy Zamalis (05:10):
debt.
Yeah, I've had friends do kindof like like for family, like
gift exchanges, to try to keepthe cost down for gifts to
family and friends.
One of my very good friends Iknow in the maybe this was a
thing at some point in thechurch community but they would
do like the three gift rule, youknow, like something they want,
(05:35):
something they need, and Ican't remember what the third
one was, but kind of like that.
You know gold, frankincense andmyrrh kind of idea and that
helped them keep the cost downon the gift giving.
Because it does it gets soexpensive, especially as they
get older, because their wantsget more expensive, their
clothes get more expensive, thethings they need get more
(05:57):
expensive.
Yeah, absolutely, that's a realbattle.
Are you a saving like a youknow coupon shopper, try to grab
the savings kind of person?
Dr. Amy Moore (06:10):
I didn't mean to laugh.
I wanted to go.
Have you met?
me Well, but I've never beenshopping with you, I'm an online
shopper, yeah, in fact the memethat says, hey, I don't know
who needs to hear this today,but you don't need anything from
Amazon.
That is the meme that speaks tome.
(06:32):
No, I do shop on Black Friday.
Yeah, because I think the dealsare really good.
Yeah, on Cyber Monday, thedeals are really good.
In Cyber Monday, the deals arereally good.
The problem I'm having is mykids are all adults now and they
won't give me a list of thingsthey want in time to shop on
(06:54):
Friday.
So that's a little frustratingtoo.
But I think that we have to setboundaries right, and so
boundaries are healthy forrelationships, boundaries are
healthy for finances, and so wejust have to sit down as a unit
with our spouse or significantother, or, if you're a single
(07:15):
parent, then you get to be incharge of what those boundaries
are right and say all right,what does this look like for us
and how much debt are we willingto incur?
And why are we willing to incurdebt for Christmas?
And for some people it might beokay, because we want to party
(07:38):
it up, we want it to be big andbold and bright and fireworks,
and we're willing to go intodebt for that, and that's okay,
right, like if that works foryour family, as long as you guys
are on the same page, as youknow partners and spouses, then
that's okay.
But that's not okay foreverybody.
Sandy Zamalis (07:57):
Yeah.
So your big recommendationthere is you really need to have
a conversation with yourpartner or spouse and say, all
right, what does this need tolook like for us, so that we
both feel comfortable with howwe celebrate the holidays and
the money that we're about tospend.
Dr. Amy Moore (08:12):
And that's great advice for communicating about
anything big right that I meanmoney creates conflict in many
families, in many families, andso if we can reduce some of that
conflict by having just openconversations about it ahead of
time rather than putting out afire later, then I think that's
(08:35):
great advice yeah.
Sandy Zamalis (08:37):
Well, talking about boundaries, let's talk
about the schedule.
How do we put boundaries aroundall the things that we have to
try to get accomplished duringthe holiday season?
Dr. Amy Moore (08:47):
Yeah.
So I love that you bring thatup, because I like to include
this in something I like to callthe holiday shoulds.
We should RSVP, yes, to everyChristmas party we're invited to
because we're great friends.
We should right, we shouldparticipate in all the things,
(09:09):
because that's what you doduring the holiday season.
And so I think that we have toget rid of that thinking that
there is such thing as a holidayshould.
Right, holidays should fit ourwants and our desires and our
needs and our vision for what wewant holidays to look like in
(09:29):
our family.
And so we got to put aside thatidea that we should do anything
.
So there's this thing in ACTtherapy Actually, it's called
ACT therapy, but some people usethe initials ACT and it's
called the choice point, and sowhat that is is like a fork in
(09:52):
the road, and so one directionis moving towards what you want
and the other direction ismoving away from what you want.
And so if we look at settingboundaries on our time during
holiday seasons and we use thischoice point and we say, what is
(10:16):
it that we want for the holidayseason?
Sandy Zamalis (10:19):
What are you trying to move towards right?
Dr. Amy Moore (10:21):
Yes, Do we want holidays to be about connecting
with family.
If that's our vision, then wehave a choice to make.
We got this invitation to thisbig holiday party and it means
we're going to miss our kids'Christmas play, or it means that
(10:41):
we're going to have to give upour family game night.
So then we say, all right, isattending this party going to
move us towards our goal ofholidays being about family
connection, or does it move usaway from the goal of family
connection over the holidays?
And I think that that helps usset boundaries.
Sandy Zamalis (11:02):
That's a really, really good point.
What do we do, though, forfamily events?
I think those are the harderones to set boundaries around.
I feel like that's always ahuge negotiation with immediate
family to figure out.
You know what that's going tolook like, and often it changes,
you know, sometimes every year,depending on family and life
(11:26):
circumstances, but certainly,you know, every five or so years
things change.
I know.
I remember when my kids werelittle when they were really
little, and it didn't matter wewould go visit family on
Christmas and we would stay withthem, and then, on Christmas
Day, you know, they would openall their gifts.
You know wherever we were, butat some point, my husband and I
(11:47):
had to have the conversationbecause we were four hours away
from either of our our families.
So we had to choose is it goingto be my family this year, is
it going to be his family thisyear?
And we had to sit down anddecide.
You know what?
I really want our kids to wakeup in their own house on
Christmas morning, and thenwe'll figure out the rest, but
(12:11):
we're not going to go anywhere,at least on Christmas Eve or
Christmas Day.
Now we've had to renegotiatethat since, because and even my
kids as they got older like wethey would open their gifts at
home on Christmas day.
But then, uh, because mysister-in-law was relatively
close and our family couldgather there for dinner.
(12:32):
We would then leave and go tothe dinner, but it was still a
drive.
It's like a two hour drive toget there.
Um, and then my kids started tobalk at that because they would
be in the middle of their newthings and all of a sudden, you
know, yank them out and makethem look pretty and take them
(12:52):
to dinner with the family.
So we had to renegotiate that alittle bit at some point.
So it feels like it's always anegotiation.
So how do you have those hardconversations with family to try
to set boundaries around familygatherings?
Dr. Amy Moore (13:08):
Yeah, those are hard.
I mean, family conflict isanother one of the major
stressors that people experienceduring the holidays, because
not everybody wants holidays tolook the same.
Sandy Zamalis (13:23):
Right.
Dr. Amy Moore (13:24):
Right.
So again, what do you want yourholiday season to look like as
your core nuclear family?
And then use that choice pointright.
So if my kids waking up onChristmas morning in their own
beds is what I want Christmasday to look like, then use the
(13:48):
choice point right.
We're not going to go to thegrandparents to spend the night
on Christmas Eve because thatmoves us away from my vision of
them waking up in their own beds.
But what does it look like forChristmas afternoon?
I don't know.
Like you have to use what yourfamily culture looks like in
setting that vision right.
(14:09):
And when your kids love drivingtwo hours, then go drive two
hours.
But when your kids are fightingand kicking and screaming and
saying we just want to be herein front of our fire in our
pajamas playing with our newtoys, then is it worth it to
dress them up in the itchy dressand the stuffy suit, stick them
(14:31):
in a car for two hours for themto go eat yet more turkey, I
don't know Like.
To me that seems miserable.
Sandy Zamalis (14:40):
Yeah, I totally agree, which is why we had to
renegotiate.
Dr. Amy Moore (14:45):
Right, and isn't it easier to invite people to
your house when you're the onewith all the kids than it is to
pack the kids up and go tograndma's?
Sandy Zamalis (14:58):
Yeah.
Sometimes, Sometimes yeah, itwas always harder in our family,
like my mom and my brotherlived in the same community, so,
like the larger gathering wasthere, so it was whether we were
joining that gathering or notjoining that gathering, whereas,
(15:20):
you know, on my husband's sideof the family, both of them were
long drives, so it was like ameet in the middle scenario,
because we were just trying tohelp meet in the middle.
But even this year now my kidsare way, much older, they're in
their late 20s and my husbandand I were just talking the
other day about how you knowit'll be interesting this year
(15:41):
because inevitably they're goingto find partners, get married,
have children, and then what isthat going to look like?
How are we going to negotiatethat?
And then what is that?
Dr. Amy Moore (15:50):
going to look like.
How are we going to negotiatethat?
Yeah, we were just having theexact same conversation because
all three of my boys have mettheir girls, right, so they've
(16:11):
met the girls.
That they're going to splityour time between our house and
her house on Christmas Day andassumptions are dangerous, right
, but I didn't know how else tophrase the question.
Just to confirm that, luckily,all the girls all three girls'
families live in the same townas we do, right, so it would be
(16:32):
easy to split time, you know,and communicating, okay, what
time are you all having dinner?
And maybe we can adjust ourdinner, and my boys are boys.
They'll eat two dinners.
I don't know if the girls will,but I know that.
You know, a couple ofThanksgivings ago they did
(16:52):
dinner at one house and dessertat the other.
Families, right, so that wewere able to put our all the
parents.
That comes from knowing that wewon't always have all of our
(17:15):
kids with us on every singleholiday, once they've found life
partners.
Sandy Zamalis (17:22):
Well, let's yeah, let's talk about grief, because
I think that's probably in thetop five, I'm sure, for holiday
stressors lost loved ones orjust not having family around
because they've made otherchoices.
How do we manage that griefaspect of missing loved ones
over the holidays?
Dr. Amy Moore (17:43):
Yeah.
So I think that it's importantfor us to honor those who were
grieving and honor our own grief.
I don't think that we need tostuff it down or try to not
think about the fact that thisis my first holiday season
(18:04):
without my dad, for example,because he died in April.
I think that it's important forme to recognize and for my mom
to recognize that loss oh mygosh, this is the first
Christmas without him and thisis really hard and then maybe
even make space for aconversation.
Hey, do you remember theChristmas when the kids were
(18:25):
three and he gave everybody apiggyback ride or whatever?
You know our favorite memoriesof him, whether it was during
the holidays or not, right, butto be able to honor that loss
and that space and the personthat you're grieving, I think
that makes people feel reallygood and seen.
(18:45):
I think it's important forpeople to feel seen in their
grief and not just pretend like.
I think it's important forpeople to feel seen in their
grief and not just pretend like,okay, you need to be happy
because it's a happy holiday.
Sandy Zamalis (18:57):
Yeah, what about grief of being alone during the
holiday season?
Do you have any recommendations?
For example, if you're a singleparent and it isn't your year
to have the kids over theholidays, or you just, for
whatever reason, find yourselfalone during this time?
Dr. Amy Moore (19:17):
So I think that it's important to learn how to
sit with that feeling right, tobe able to say, man, this is
hard, this is hard and I'msuffering right now because I am
missing my kids or I am missingthe person that you know I've
lost.
And then, at the same time, howcan I engage in a meaningful
(19:42):
way instead of staying alone?
Today, right, day, right.
So can I go volunteer at church?
Or can I go volunteer at thehomeless shelter or the soup
kitchen?
Or can I invite myself to afriend's celebration?
Right, and I think about that,if I had a friend who was alone,
(20:06):
hopefully I would think I wouldinvite them anyway.
But let's say that I wasclueless and did not invite
someone who was alone.
But they called up and said,hey, can I join you for
Christmas dinner, since I don'thave my kids this year and I'm
alone?
Of course, I would say yes,like, come be with us.
And so I think that we just getto be a little bit brave in
(20:26):
those moments, right, and saycan I join you, because social
connection is really, you know,the bomb to that wound, you know
, to help get us through.
Sandy Zamalis (20:38):
And maybe even flip that around and don't
assume that everyone has plansand maybe make a plan to invite
friends that may not have aplace to be for the holidays to
your house so that you can ifyou're someone like me, I like
to do things for people in thatway, so I would.
I would love to cook for people.
(20:59):
I would feel probably awkwardand I would have a harder time,
but I would definitely be moreinclined to just make a dinner
and invite as many people as Icould think of that might want
to come, that might have nowhereelse to go.
Dr. Amy Moore (21:14):
Yep absolutely.
Sandy Zamalis (21:16):
Yeah, but I agree , I think it's important to find
ways to connect, even if it'sjust for a small window in the
day, and maybe find things youenjoy doing.
I know I've had a couple yearswhere I've been, you know, alone
(21:36):
or not necessarily in theholidays, but I'll choose to do
something like go to a movie andjust be around people.
You'd be shocked how manypeople go to the movies on the
holidays, but you could go to amovie, see a show, just find
something to look forward to.
(21:56):
Yeah something that brings youjoy.
Yeah, something that brings youjoy.
Let's talk about food andalcohol issues.
I think that's probably moreprevalent now than ever before
because of so many foodallergies and all of that kind
of different diets andintolerances.
(22:19):
How do you navigate that duringthe holiday season, with family
, with doing family events,trying to get through the
onslaught of cookies and alcohol?
Dr. Amy Moore (22:34):
Yeah, so that's another top stressor, right,
food and alcohol.
And so you know, in terms offood, my advice is always to do
everything in moderation, and sojust because there's some
amazing sweets during theholidays doesn't mean that you
have to eat all of the things.
So my friend, who we spendevery Christmas and Thanksgiving
(23:01):
dinner with, makes the mostamazing desserts, and she does
not just make one dessert, shewill make four, five, six, seven
different desserts, and they'reall phenomenal, and so I will
take a bite of each of them, nota slice of each of them, right?
(23:22):
So I want to be able to tastethem and sample them.
But who can eat seven?
Well, okay, let me rephrase,because my boys will fill their
plates with slices, but the restof us who struggle to maintain
a healthy weight, right, like,just take a bite so that that
way you can savor it, you canmindfully eat that bite, you
(23:46):
know where you say wow, thetexture of this is so amazing,
the taste of this is soindulgent, right, like,
mindfully focus on that one biteof that dessert, and it's like
having a full piece of it.
Right, you don't have to have,you know, 1900 calories of sugar
(24:09):
.
You can have 200 calories ofthat sugar.
Sandy Zamalis (24:12):
Not to mention all the inflammation.
Dr. Amy Moore (24:15):
Right, yeah, we're going to do another
episode on sugar, aren't we?
Yeah?
Sandy Zamalis (24:21):
We probably need to.
Dr. Amy Moore (24:23):
Yeah, and so I don't think that we don't have
to fill our plates right, justsample things right so that you
get to participate in it, butwithout overindulging, because
it's painful to go.
Oh my gosh, I gained fivepounds over the holidays, or I
gained 10 pounds over theholidays and now I have to lose
(24:43):
it.
That's effortful, especially aswe age, if we can prevent that
weight gain, you know, by reallypaying attention to what we're
putting on our plates.
But you know, the food allergyand food sensitivity issue is
real.
I have a difficult timeparticipating in holiday parties
because of all of my foodallergies and many times I have
(25:07):
chosen to either eat before I goright, and then I'll just have,
you know, a sparkling water orsomething while I'm there, or
I'll bring my own.
Sandy Zamalis (25:18):
Yeah, that's what I was going to recommend.
I just bring what I can eat andshare, and that makes it easier
because at least I know there'sone choice for me so that I can
indulge in that.
Yeah, and hopefully someoneelse brought something I could
maybe fit in.
Dr. Amy Moore (25:36):
And I think that food allergies, like you said,
are super prevalent now.
So there are places that offerthose kinds of options, but I
think that we have to feelcomfortable saying to the host
or hostess you know, hey, I'vegot these food allergies.
Would it be okay if I broughtthis dish to share, so that I
(25:58):
know that there's something thatI'll be able to eat?
And a good hostess will eithersay, yes, absolutely bring that,
or you don't have to bring it.
I know what your food allergiesare, so I've already got that
covered.
Sandy Zamalis (26:14):
Right.
Dr. Amy Moore (26:15):
Right.
And if the host or hostess doesnot give you one of those two
options, then go back to yourchoice point Right?
Is this what I want my holidayto look like?
Right, having to go somewherewhere I can't eat anything,
where I can't bring anything ofmy own to eat?
(26:36):
Right, is that what I want myholiday to look like?
Sandy Zamalis (26:39):
Yeah, and you could probably use that same
rule for alcohol as well, likeif you're really trying to not
drink as heavily over theholiday season or keep that to a
minimum.
You know, again, providing yourown, bringing your own drink
that you can enjoy is helpful sothat you can engage in that and
(27:04):
still be a part of the fun.
If that is one of your choicepoints, right, yeah, absolutely
you want to be there be present,but you don't necessarily have
to engage if that's not whatyour plan is or what you want to
do for your holiday season.
Dr. Amy Moore (27:18):
I enjoy putting a flavored sparkling water in a
crystal glass.
To me that feels Fancy.
It does and so I don't have tohave champagne in that glass
right to feel like I'mparticipating.
I'm happy to have my sparklingwater in the champagne glass and
a lot of places do really yummymocktails now, like I was at a
(27:40):
wedding this summer and themocktail had I don't know four
different juices in it plussparkling water and I know it
was beautiful.
It was served in this Manhattanglass.
It was beautiful, so you canparticipate Sometimes it's all
about presentation.
(28:01):
Yes, it is right, Right.
So then I think it's alsoimportant to remember okay, what
does it look like when we dooverindulgent alcohol?
So does family conflict risewhen we do overindulge in
alcohol?
So does family conflict rise?
In my family it does, right,alcohol kind of feeds the
personalities that thrive onconflict.
And so if you are one ofconflictual what's the word, if
(28:34):
you begin to engage in conflictwhen you drink too much, is that
what you envision your holidayto look like?
Then, maybe stop at one or two,yeah, plus, how are you going
to feel the next day?
Is that what you want yourholiday to look like?
(28:54):
Do you want to spend the nextday hungover instead of enjoying
the time with your family?
I don't know.
I just love the choice point.
Sandy Zamalis (29:02):
Yeah Well, it forces you to be mindful, really
, of what it is you want theseason to look like, so that
you're getting the most out ofit and it's like your life any
given day.
But the holidays shouldn't bedifferent.
I think the problem is thatsometimes the holidays, you just
get roped into all of theshoulds, right.
Dr. Amy Moore (29:26):
So having to really think that through, it
just gets amplified.
So it's helpful to stop habitsthat you are hopefully doing the
(29:51):
rest of the year, right.
So, taking care of yourphysical needs, you know,
walking or working out, sleepingwell, watching the types of
foods that you're putting intoyour body Don't stop those
healthy habits.
Right, you can treat yourselfduring the holiday season
(30:16):
because it is fun, but thatdoesn't mean that you have to do
that to the exclusion of all ofthe great ways that you're
taking care of yourself the restof the year.
And then you know, one piece ofadvice that I want people to
hear is, if you see a therapistregularly already, don't stop
seeing your therapist over theholidays, right?
You don't wanna lose thetraction that you're making in
(30:37):
therapy by saying, hey, I'mgonna be really busy over the
holidays, it's a reallystressful season, so you know
I'll see you in January, okay,well, you just said the reason
why you should still be seeingyour therapist it's a really
stressful season, right, and sodon't take a vacation from
therapy.
That is a message that I wantpeople to hear loud and clear,
(31:00):
because you don't want to movebackwards in your progress and
you really might want thatadditional support during the
stressful season want thatadditional support during the
stressful season.
Sandy Zamalis (31:19):
Right, we've talked about a lot of it from,
like, our own personalperspective or from a mom or
dad's perspective, but let'stalk about trying to make sure
we avoid the meltdowns and theoverstimulation for our kids.
What recommendations do youhave for those?
Because if you can catch itearly and try to avoid it, it's
(31:40):
super helpful.
Dr. Amy Moore (31:43):
One thing I would avoid is overscheduling.
So we don't want to add stressto our kids, we don't want to
exhaust our kids.
What does an exhausted toddlerdo?
They melt down, right.
And so, really beingintentional about how you manage
(32:07):
the schedule while the kids areon school vacation without
overscheduling, it's verytempting to say, well, hey,
while we're on Christmas break,let's do all the things, all the
things.
Christmas break exists for areason to give kids a break.
So let them right, let themenjoy that downtime.
(32:30):
They need time to decompressfrom the semester, you know,
especially those middleschoolers and high schoolers who
have, you know, been going andgoing and going all semester.
So that's my number one tip isto not overschedule.
And then I think it's important, then, to set boundaries on
(32:55):
what you want your holidays tolook like and really A sense of
theme it's our theme and reallyclearly explain those to the
kids.
Hey, I know that you're off,you don't have any homework to
do, but we're going to set alimit on the amount of time that
you get to play video games.
We're going to set a limit onthe amount of time you get to
(33:17):
spend in front of the television, because we still want to take
care of your physical andemotional needs over the
holidays.
Sandy Zamalis (33:25):
I always loved planning crafts and things to do
with my kids during that time,which can sometimes be stressful
, so I would try not to makethem like super intense or hard
crafts, but just the ability tosit together and work on
something together.
I also really enjoyed takingthat time to pick a book to read
(33:47):
together as a family, just tobe intentional.
I don't know why the holidaysis a great time to do that.
You can do that anytime, butsometimes I think, with
everything going on, it's like anice connection point of
something to look forward to.
The Best Christmas Pageant Everwas our favorite book to read
(34:10):
during this time of year becauseit was short.
Dr. Amy Moore (34:13):
And then did you have like a discussion about it,
oh, sure, yeah, we knew I meanthat story.
Sandy Zamalis (34:19):
We knew by heart after a couple of years, so we
just enjoyed the story together.
But sometimes we would pickother books as well, and that
was just a fun time.
And you know, game nights arealways something great to add
during the holiday season too,because usually it's colder,
right, nobody's.
You know, a lot of the sportshave taken a break and it's the
(34:41):
time that you have together, sowhy not play some board games
together as well?
Dr. Amy Moore (34:46):
Yeah, I love that , and you know we would do
family movie nights over theholidays, right?
So the the Christmas favorites.
Sandy Zamalis (34:54):
Movie marathons.
I love movie marathons.
Dr. Amy Moore (34:56):
Yeah, right, and so like the die hard series you
know, that's the original onewas a classic Christmas movie.
Older kids y'all, yeah, youknow, or?
Sandy Zamalis (35:10):
Or Harry Potter my kids love.
I mean Harry Potter always hada Christmas element to it and
that's like a long series.
You could get through the wholething, oh yeah, but there's so
many out there to pick from andto do, but it's just that
quality time, that fun timetogether.
I used to pray for snow.
I love all times.
I just really love snow becauseit forces you, because you
(35:32):
can't go anywhere, forces you tosit together, forces you to
fire up the hot cocoa and sitaround a table together, even if
it's just playing cards, andtry to.
You know, just be together.
Dr. Amy Moore (35:47):
And I like to do cooking projects too.
Sandy Zamalis (35:50):
Yeah, that's always fun.
Dr. Amy Moore (35:51):
And what would typically happen in our house is
I would say, hey, I'm going tomake some cookies, christmas
cookies, if anybody wants tohelp and Evan, my youngest,
would inevitably want to helpright, he was always in the
middle of that action and theother two would go, and then,
within a few minutes, someoneelse would wander in.
(36:12):
Right, can I lick the spoon?
Well, no, but you can help dothis.
Right, I had this thing aboutraw egg.
I know they're pasteurized nowand I know it's okay, but I
guess that's a throwback fromthe 70s, when I couldn't lick
the spoon and so whatever.
Sandy Zamalis (36:28):
But I know I'm a total spoon licker.
I will eat the cookie dough raw.
I won't even make the cookie.
I was laughing with my husbandI'm not eating greens right now
(36:49):
but one of our clients.
We were supporting them fortheir volleyball team and they
were doing like these fancycookie dough packets that then
you could throw in the oven andjust make cookies.
Well, I got like the whitechocolate macadamia cookies and
I've not made one of them, buthalf that box is gone.
Cookies, and I've not made oneof them, but half that box is
gone.
I've eaten half the box of justthe dough balls that are in my
freezer.
So it will be there until I,you know, for a while now, since
(37:14):
I'm not eating that anymore.
But it's just really funny to mebecause some people aren't.
They won't.
You know that egg thing gets in, is in their head and they
won't do it.
I don't know, but I rememberwatching Rocky as a kid.
I don't know if you rememberthat scene where he cracks like
three eggs into a glass anddrinks them raw.
And I'm like if Rocky can do it.
Dr. Amy Moore (37:35):
You know, people put it in their blenders, and I
don't know, maybe it's a texturething too.
Oh, I'm sure.
Sandy Zamalis (37:41):
I'm sure, I don't know, I just have it.
Maybe it's a texture thing too,but the wrong, oh, I'm sure,
I'm sure.
Dr. Amy Moore (37:43):
We digress, yeah.
So just being intentional abouthow we schedule that that time,
I think is super important tominimize meltdowns, right, you
know?
And to make sure that even inthe busyness that we are
scheduling downtime as well.
Sandy Zamalis (38:03):
Yeah, and that would include, you know, don't
let them, don't let the kidsstay up too late.
I mean they still need theirsleep, cause it's just they've
got to maintain that schedulewhen school starts again, so
letting them get too off kilteron the schedule only makes
getting back into schoolschedule that much harder.
And then also, you know,managing that day to day.
(38:25):
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Dr. Amy Moore (39:19):
All right.
So I want to talk a little bitabout managing our own
expectations for the holidaysevery party that she threw was
Martha Stewart, perfect, right?
Everything was beautifullyarranged and decorated and the
(39:49):
food was gourmet and it wasperfect.
And so I grew up thinking thatentertaining and being a good
hostess meant that you were aperfect hostess, that everything
that you did should be perfect.
And it took me a lot of yearsof stressing about making sure
(40:13):
it was all perfect, that mybaseboards were sparkling clean
before anybody came into myhouse, that everything was made
from scratch, that I boughtnothing pre-prepared or
pre-packaged.
It took many years of stressing, thinking that that was the
expectation of what a hostessshould be, before I realized
(40:34):
that my mom loved doing that.
She made everything someticulously perfect because it
brought her joy, because sheenjoyed spending time.
It was an art to her.
That doesn't mean that everybodyhas to do it that way, right.
(40:56):
Hostessing, entertaining, beinghospitable to others, should
not be stressful.
It should be enjoyable, right?
It should be a gift to you andto your guests, and so I think
that was a really big lessonthat I learned too late, really,
right?
I wish I had realized earlieron, as a younger mom, that she
(41:19):
did that just because she lovedit, not because that's what you
should do, right.
It's one of those shoulds thatyou need to switch to.
What do I want?
What do I want to do?
What do I want my party to looklike?
Sandy Zamalis (41:34):
Right, that's such a good point, and I mean
that includes decorating,includes decorating I'm a
terrible decorator or even, youknow, making all of the
Christmas goodies to give away,like in my house it was always
well, in both sides of my familyreally, or my husband's side
(41:57):
and my side the amount of bakedgoods that get made is mind
boggling, and I felt like Ineeded to perpetuate that, like
I needed to make the sevendifferent types of cookies.
Make sure I made the baklavajust the way Yaya makes it.
I had to go through the wholething and it wasn't until I
think, probably five years ago,that I just said you know, I'm
(42:20):
going to make the one thing thatI like the best, and then, if
there's enough to share, I will,and if there's not, then I
won't, I won't, I just won't,and that's okay.
And then Christmas cards.
Christmas cards was a big onefor me too, like getting all the
Christmas cards together andmaking sure you have the family
(42:41):
holiday photo.
We have never, I will confessto the world, we have never had
a holiday family photo taken,and the guilt that I have from
that.
Every year I look at it andthink, ah, why don't I ever do
that, but it's just not on mylist.
It never makes priority.
It never hits the top at all,ever.
(43:01):
It's always an afterthought.
Dr. Amy Moore (43:04):
Well then, that's not in your vision for what
your holiday to look like, right?
No?
Sandy Zamalis (43:09):
that's right.
That's right.
But, yeah, I think, like whatyou're saying is you almost have
to.
You have to shed your childlikevision of what the holidays
look like and really reframe itin your present adult vision of
what you want your holiday to be.
Dr. Amy Moore (43:28):
Yeah, just because that's what your mom
wanted her holiday parties tolook like does not mean that
that's what they are supposed tolook like, what they should
look like or what they have tolook like.
For you, right, you get todefine what you want your
holiday to be.
That's the beauty of it, right?
And so there's so much freedomin that realization that you get
(43:50):
to define it.
And once you've defined whatyou want your holiday to look
like, every single decision youmake about the holiday season
can be made through that lens,right?
It either moves you towardswhat you want your holiday
season to look like or it movesyou away from what you want your
holiday season to look like.
It really makes those choicespretty simple.
(44:11):
Now, with one caveat you may berequired to attend your office
holiday party, right?
That is probably an expectationthat your company, unless you
work for yourself, might be anexpectation, and so you can't
control that.
You need to focus on what youcan control.
So there are going to be thosethings where you go, oh I got to
(44:32):
do this even though I don'twant to.
That's life, right?
Sandy Zamalis (44:37):
But maybe you can just make an appearance.
Dr. Amy Moore (44:40):
I do that Show up late, leave early, you are
there.
Sandy Zamalis (44:43):
You came, you participated.
Dr. Amy Moore (44:52):
Make sure you talk to the boss so they know
they saw you Great point Exactly.
And then the other thing I wantto talk about briefly is you
know how stressful the holidayseason is, and so if you're
stressed, then everyone else isprobably stressed too, right?
So I mentioned that study byAPA at the very top of the show.
Nine out of 10 people areexperiencing additional stress
(45:14):
over the holiday season, so wehave to focus on being kind.
It's going to be frustrating tostand in long lines.
It's going to be frustrating tostand in long lines.
It's going to be frustrating todrive in holiday traffic.
It's going to be frustratingwhen they're sold out of
something that we wanted, and sowe have to recognize that
(45:37):
everyone else is experiencingstress as well.
Everyone else is experiencingstress as well, and if we can
say I'm going to be kind, thenit keeps the temperature low or
lower on the stressful situation, rather than throwing fuel on a
fire.
Sandy Zamalis (45:56):
I would add, adding really focusing on adding
gratitude to that as well, liketrying to just be mindful every
day and think about the thingsyou're grateful for in the
holiday season, will keep yougrounded.
In that It'll help you be kind.
Dr. Amy Moore (46:13):
And what a great conversation to have as a family
right over the dinner table.
Hey, let's everybody name threethings that they're grateful
for today, right, what a neatway to hear what people value,
right?
But then also to keepmindfulness, I mean, I'm sorry,
to keep gratitude in mind.
Sandy Zamalis (46:35):
A colleague of ours recently posted on Facebook
the like a November calendar ofbeing grateful and that's what
was popped up in my head and Ireally loved the idea because it
was someone to say thank you toevery day, versus the typical
thank you things we get duringthis time of year.
But it was a say thank you toyour medical provider today,
(47:01):
Just little things like that.
Like I thought that would bereally powerful if we spent the
whole holiday season justthanking people.
Dr. Amy Moore (47:08):
I love that.
I'm gonna write that down so Idon't forget.
Sandy Zamalis (47:12):
Donisa, if you're listening, you know it's you so
.
Dr. Amy Moore (47:16):
Thanks, Donisa.
Okay, I don't wanna leavewithout saying that we recognize
that sometimes the holidays canbe so, so hard that you might
feel that you don't have anysupport and that you're all
alone.
And so please get help.
Don't hesitate to reach out.
You can call 988 for help ifyou are just feeling like you're
(47:40):
at the end of your rope.
Don't suffer alone.
Sandy Zamalis (47:47):
That's a good way to end.
Dr. Amy Moore (47:48):
Yeah, all right.
Well, this was a superinteresting conversation.
I loved hearing how you managethe holiday season in different
ways than I manage the holidayseason.
So, listeners, I hope that youall got some great ideas from
both of us.
All right, well, thank you somuch for listening today.
(48:11):
If you like us at all, pleasefollow us on Instagram and
TikTok.
At the Brainy Moms.
You can find all our episodeson every major podcast platform,
but you can go to our websiteat thebrainymomscom.
You can also find me on mybrand new personal Instagram.
Dr Amy Says Grace, and you canfind Sandy on TikTok at the
(48:34):
Brain Trainer Lady.
If you want to see herdemonstrate and talk about brain
training exercises that sheuses all day, every day at
LearningRx.
You can find her there, don'tforget.
You can check our show notesfor some resources from our
sponsor, learningrx, includingsome free brain training
exercises that you can try athome.
(48:56):
That is all the smart stuffthat we have for you today, so
we're going to catch you nexttime.
Have a great week.
Hi smart moms and dads.
Welcome to another episode ofthe Brainy Moms podcast brought
to you today by LearningRx BrainTraining Centers.
I'm Dr Amy Moore and I am herewith Sandy Zimalis and we are
going to talk about holidaystress.
So there was the study put outby the American Psychological
Association about this time lastyear that said nine out of 10
(00:25):
people experience some sort ofincreased stress over the
holidays, and so it's happeningright Like we are entering into
holiday season or in the middleof holiday season, and I think
we ought to talk about some waysthat we can mitigate some of
that stress.
Why people are experiencingstress, what causes that.
(00:48):
Let's give our listeners maybesome tried and true tips that we
have.
Hi, sandy.
Sandy Zamalis (00:56):
Good morning.
I always feel like this time ofyear is a gauntlet.
Right, it's just a gauntlet,especially if you have school
age kids, because there's justso many events that you're
trying to put into your schedule.
There's family expectations,there's all of the things to do,
food to cook, cleaning,decorating I mean the list goes
(01:18):
on and on and on and on.
So I think maybe what we shouldtalk about is you know what are
some of, what are some maybethe top topics that we find that
people really think are causingsome of that stress?
Dr. Amy Moore (01:33):
Yeah, so I think one of the top stressors is
money.
Sure Right, I mean holidays,especially in an inflation year
inflation year, yeah, but I mean, if you think about it, it
costs money to entertain duringthe holidays.
(01:53):
It costs money to participatein gift exchanges.
It costs money to buy gifts forfamily, for your kids, for your
friends.
It costs money.
Sandy Zamalis (02:02):
To travel?
Yeah, oh, to travel.
Dr. Amy Moore (02:05):
Absolutely, and so you know, being able to work
all that into your budget isstressful.
Right, Deciding what yourbudget is can be stressful.
Realizing that your budget isprobably a lot smaller than you
want it to be is stressful.
So money, I think, is one ofthe top stressors.
Sandy Zamalis (02:27):
So that's a great point.
So years ago my husband kind ofmade me open up a Christmas
share account.
As I know, most banks have likea Christmas share account, like
a little envelope that you putmoney in every month.
You can't touch it until theygive it to you back into your
(02:48):
checking account in October.
Have you ever used somethinglike that, Just something where
at least you're saving money forthe occasion?
Yeah, that has been really,really helpful.
I don't know that I went intothat willingly, but my husband's
an envelope guy.
He's very much a oh, a DaveRamsey Well not even, I think
even before Dave Ramsey but he'sjust very much.
I mean, likes his envelopes,Like he's got a performance fund
(03:12):
because he's a car guy, right,so money goes into that envelope
.
We've got the savings envelopeand the checking envelope and
the Christmas fund, you know.
Dr. Amy Moore (03:20):
So yeah, he's just an envelope thinker and I
am not that I'm like a whole potkind of thinker.
Sandy Zamalis (03:27):
But you know what ?
It's really nice when thatmoney gets put into the checking
account in October and it'slike, oh all right, this is my
money, this is what I can spendfor the holidays and I don't
have that stressor anymore.
So that has been really helpful.
Have you guys used a strategyon the money side?
Dr. Amy Moore (03:48):
So early on, when the kids were little, I used to
just spend and spend and spend.
Right, I would take their list,I would buy everything on their
list because I wanted my kidsto feel excited about Christmas
morning.
And then I would spend threemonths working down the
(04:10):
Christmas debt, right.
So I'd spend January, february,march and sometimes April when
my tax refund would come inpaying off the credit cards from
overspending at Christmas.
And so one year it's probablybeen 15 years ago Jeff said why
(04:34):
don't we look at our financesbefore you start spending for
Christmas and only spend what wehave, so that we don't have to
spend four months and our taxreturn paying off Christmas debt
?
And so then that made me startto think.
Well, I wasn't even intentionalin budgeting, right, I was just
(04:57):
buying off the list superirresponsible.
Sandy Zamalis (05:02):
And so yes.
Dr. Amy Moore (05:04):
Right.
So now I you know I look at ourfinances in the fall and go,
okay, what's reasonable?
You know what won't put me in?
Sandy Zamalis (05:10):
debt.
Yeah, I've had friends do kindof like like for family, like
gift exchanges, to try to keepthe cost down for gifts to
family and friends.
One of my very good friends Iknow in the maybe this was a
thing at some point in thechurch community but they would
do like the three gift rule, youknow, like something they want,
(05:35):
something they need, and Ican't remember what the third
one was, but kind of like that.
You know gold, frankincense andmyrrh kind of idea and that
helped them keep the cost downon the gift giving.
Because it does it gets soexpensive, especially as they
get older, because their wantsget more expensive, their
clothes get more expensive, thethings they need get more
(05:57):
expensive.
Yeah, absolutely, that's a realbattle.
Are you a saving like a youknow coupon shopper, try to grab
the savings kind of person?
Dr. Amy Moore (06:10):
I didn't mean to laugh.
I wanted to go.
Have you met?
me Well, but I've never beenshopping with you, I'm an online
shopper, yeah, in fact the memethat says, hey, I don't know
who needs to hear this today,but you don't need anything from
Amazon.
That is the meme that speaks tome.
(06:32):
No, I do shop on Black Friday.
Yeah, because I think the dealsare really good.
Yeah, on Cyber Monday, thedeals are really good.
In Cyber Monday, the deals arereally good.
The problem I'm having is mykids are all adults now and they
won't give me a list of thingsthey want in time to shop on
(06:54):
Friday.
So that's a little frustratingtoo.
But I think that we have to setboundaries right, and so
boundaries are healthy forrelationships, boundaries are
healthy for finances, and so wejust have to sit down as a unit
with our spouse or significantother, or, if you're a single
(07:15):
parent, then you get to be incharge of what those boundaries
are right and say all right,what does this look like for us
and how much debt are we willingto incur?
And why are we willing to incurdebt for Christmas?
And for some people it might beokay, because we want to party
(07:38):
it up, we want it to be big andbold and bright and fireworks,
and we're willing to go intodebt for that, and that's okay,
right, like if that works foryour family, as long as you guys
are on the same page, as youknow partners and spouses, then
that's okay.
But that's not okay foreverybody.
Sandy Zamalis (07:57):
Yeah.
So your big recommendationthere is you really need to have
a conversation with yourpartner or spouse and say, all
right, what does this need tolook like for us, so that we
both feel comfortable with howwe celebrate the holidays and
the money that we're about tospend.
Dr. Amy Moore (08:12):
And that's great advice for communicating about
anything big right that I meanmoney creates conflict in many
families, in many families, andso if we can reduce some of that
conflict by having just openconversations about it ahead of
time rather than putting out afire later, then I think that's
(08:35):
great advice yeah.
Sandy Zamalis (08:37):
Well, talking about boundaries, let's talk
about the schedule.
How do we put boundaries aroundall the things that we have to
try to get accomplished duringthe holiday season?
Dr. Amy Moore (08:47):
Yeah.
So I love that you bring thatup, because I like to include
this in something I like to callthe holiday shoulds.
We should RSVP, yes, to everyChristmas party we're invited to
because we're great friends.
We should right, we shouldparticipate in all the things,
(09:09):
because that's what you doduring the holiday season.
And so I think that we have toget rid of that thinking that
there is such thing as a holidayshould.
Right, holidays should fit ourwants and our desires and our
needs and our vision for what wewant holidays to look like in
(09:29):
our family.
And so we got to put aside thatidea that we should do anything
.
So there's this thing in ACTtherapy Actually, it's called
ACT therapy, but some people usethe initials ACT and it's
called the choice point, and sowhat that is is like a fork in
(09:52):
the road, and so one directionis moving towards what you want
and the other direction ismoving away from what you want.
And so if we look at settingboundaries on our time during
holiday seasons and we use thischoice point and we say, what is
(10:16):
it that we want for the holidayseason?
Sandy Zamalis (10:19):
What are you trying to move towards right?
Dr. Amy Moore (10:21):
Yes, Do we want holidays to be about connecting
with family.
If that's our vision, then wehave a choice to make.
We got this invitation to thisbig holiday party and it means
we're going to miss our kids'Christmas play, or it means that
(10:41):
we're going to have to give upour family game night.
So then we say, all right, isattending this party going to
move us towards our goal ofholidays being about family
connection, or does it move usaway from the goal of family
connection over the holidays?
And I think that that helps usset boundaries.
Sandy Zamalis (11:02):
That's a really, really good point.
What do we do, though, forfamily events?
I think those are the harderones to set boundaries around.
I feel like that's always ahuge negotiation with immediate
family to figure out.
You know what that's going tolook like, and often it changes,
you know, sometimes every year,depending on family and life
(11:26):
circumstances, but certainly,you know, every five or so years
things change.
I know.
I remember when my kids werelittle when they were really
little, and it didn't matter wewould go visit family on
Christmas and we would stay withthem, and then, on Christmas
Day, you know, they would openall their gifts.
You know wherever we were, butat some point, my husband and I
(11:47):
had to have the conversationbecause we were four hours away
from either of our our families.
So we had to choose is it goingto be my family this year, is
it going to be his family thisyear?
And we had to sit down anddecide.
You know what?
I really want our kids to wakeup in their own house on
Christmas morning, and thenwe'll figure out the rest, but
(12:11):
we're not going to go anywhere,at least on Christmas Eve or
Christmas Day.
Now we've had to renegotiatethat since, because and even my
kids as they got older like wethey would open their gifts at
home on Christmas day.
But then, uh, because mysister-in-law was relatively
close and our family couldgather there for dinner.
(12:32):
We would then leave and go tothe dinner, but it was still a
drive.
It's like a two hour drive toget there.
Um, and then my kids started tobalk at that because they would
be in the middle of their newthings and all of a sudden, you
know, yank them out and makethem look pretty and take them
(12:52):
to dinner with the family.
So we had to renegotiate that alittle bit at some point.
So it feels like it's always anegotiation.
So how do you have those hardconversations with family to try
to set boundaries around familygatherings?
Dr. Amy Moore (13:08):
Yeah, those are hard.
I mean, family conflict isanother one of the major
stressors that people experienceduring the holidays, because
not everybody wants holidays tolook the same.
Sandy Zamalis (13:23):
Right.
Dr. Amy Moore (13:24):
Right.
So again, what do you want yourholiday season to look like as
your core nuclear family?
And then use that choice pointright.
So if my kids waking up onChristmas morning in their own
beds is what I want Christmasday to look like, then use the
(13:48):
choice point right.
We're not going to go to thegrandparents to spend the night
on Christmas Eve because thatmoves us away from my vision of
them waking up in their own beds.
But what does it look like forChristmas afternoon?
I don't know.
Like you have to use what yourfamily culture looks like in
setting that vision right.
(14:09):
And when your kids love drivingtwo hours, then go drive two
hours.
But when your kids are fightingand kicking and screaming and
saying we just want to be herein front of our fire in our
pajamas playing with our newtoys, then is it worth it to
dress them up in the itchy dressand the stuffy suit, stick them
(14:31):
in a car for two hours for themto go eat yet more turkey, I
don't know Like.
To me that seems miserable.
Sandy Zamalis (14:40):
Yeah, I totally agree, which is why we had to
renegotiate.
Dr. Amy Moore (14:45):
Right, and isn't it easier to invite people to
your house when you're the onewith all the kids than it is to
pack the kids up and go tograndma's?
Sandy Zamalis (14:58):
Yeah.
Sometimes, Sometimes yeah, itwas always harder in our family,
like my mom and my brotherlived in the same community, so,
like the larger gathering wasthere, so it was whether we were
joining that gathering or notjoining that gathering, whereas,
(15:20):
you know, on my husband's sideof the family, both of them were
long drives, so it was like ameet in the middle scenario,
because we were just trying tohelp meet in the middle.
But even this year now my kidsare way, much older, they're in
their late 20s and my husbandand I were just talking the
other day about how you knowit'll be interesting this year
(15:41):
because inevitably they're goingto find partners, get married,
have children, and then what isthat going to look like?
How are we going to negotiatethat?
And then what is that?
Dr. Amy Moore (15:50):
going to look like.
How are we going to negotiatethat?
Yeah, we were just having theexact same conversation because
all three of my boys have mettheir girls, right, so they've
(16:11):
met the girls.
That they're going to splityour time between our house and
her house on Christmas Day andassumptions are dangerous, right
, but I didn't know how else tophrase the question.
Just to confirm that, luckily,all the girls all three girls'
families live in the same townas we do, right, so it would be
(16:32):
easy to split time, you know,and communicating, okay, what
time are you all having dinner?
And maybe we can adjust ourdinner, and my boys are boys.
They'll eat two dinners.
I don't know if the girls will,but I know that.
You know, a couple ofThanksgivings ago they did
(16:52):
dinner at one house and dessertat the other.
Families, right, so that wewere able to put our all the
parents.
That comes from knowing that wewon't always have all of our
(17:15):
kids with us on every singleholiday, once they've found life
partners.
Sandy Zamalis (17:22):
Well, let's yeah, let's talk about grief, because
I think that's probably in thetop five, I'm sure, for holiday
stressors lost loved ones orjust not having family around
because they've made otherchoices.
How do we manage that griefaspect of missing loved ones
over the holidays?
Dr. Amy Moore (17:43):
Yeah.
So I think that it's importantfor us to honor those who were
grieving and honor our own grief.
I don't think that we need tostuff it down or try to not
think about the fact that thisis my first holiday season
(18:04):
without my dad, for example,because he died in April.
I think that it's important forme to recognize and for my mom
to recognize that loss oh mygosh, this is the first
Christmas without him and thisis really hard and then maybe
even make space for aconversation.
Hey, do you remember theChristmas when the kids were
(18:25):
three and he gave everybody apiggyback ride or whatever?
You know our favorite memoriesof him, whether it was during
the holidays or not, right, butto be able to honor that loss
and that space and the personthat you're grieving, I think
that makes people feel reallygood and seen.
(18:45):
I think it's important forpeople to feel seen in their
grief and not just pretend like.
I think it's important forpeople to feel seen in their
grief and not just pretend like,okay, you need to be happy
because it's a happy holiday.
Sandy Zamalis (18:57):
Yeah, what about grief of being alone during the
holiday season?
Do you have any recommendations?
For example, if you're a singleparent and it isn't your year
to have the kids over theholidays, or you just, for
whatever reason, find yourselfalone during this time?
Dr. Amy Moore (19:17):
So I think that it's important to learn how to
sit with that feeling right, tobe able to say, man, this is
hard, this is hard and I'msuffering right now because I am
missing my kids or I am missingthe person that you know I've
lost.
And then, at the same time, howcan I engage in a meaningful
(19:42):
way instead of staying alone?
Today, right, day, right.
So can I go volunteer at church?
Or can I go volunteer at thehomeless shelter or the soup
kitchen?
Or can I invite myself to afriend's celebration?
Right, and I think about that,if I had a friend who was alone,
(20:06):
hopefully I would think I wouldinvite them anyway.
But let's say that I wasclueless and did not invite
someone who was alone.
But they called up and said,hey, can I join you for
Christmas dinner, since I don'thave my kids this year and I'm
alone?
Of course, I would say yes,like, come be with us.
And so I think that we just getto be a little bit brave in
(20:26):
those moments, right, and saycan I join you, because social
connection is really, you know,the bomb to that wound, you know
, to help get us through.
Sandy Zamalis (20:38):
And maybe even flip that around and don't
assume that everyone has plansand maybe make a plan to invite
friends that may not have aplace to be for the holidays to
your house so that you can ifyou're someone like me, I like
to do things for people in thatway, so I would.
I would love to cook for people.
(20:59):
I would feel probably awkwardand I would have a harder time,
but I would definitely be moreinclined to just make a dinner
and invite as many people as Icould think of that might want
to come, that might have nowhereelse to go.
Dr. Amy Moore (21:14):
Yep absolutely.
Sandy Zamalis (21:16):
Yeah, but I agree , I think it's important to find
ways to connect, even if it'sjust for a small window in the
day, and maybe find things youenjoy doing.
I know I've had a couple yearswhere I've been, you know, alone
(21:36):
or not necessarily in theholidays, but I'll choose to do
something like go to a movie andjust be around people.
You'd be shocked how manypeople go to the movies on the
holidays, but you could go to amovie, see a show, just find
something to look forward to.
(21:56):
Yeah something that brings youjoy.
Yeah, something that brings youjoy.
Let's talk about food andalcohol issues.
I think that's probably moreprevalent now than ever before
because of so many foodallergies and all of that kind
of different diets andintolerances.
(22:19):
How do you navigate that duringthe holiday season, with family
, with doing family events,trying to get through the
onslaught of cookies and alcohol?
Dr. Amy Moore (22:34):
Yeah, so that's another top stressor, right,
food and alcohol.
And so you know, in terms offood, my advice is always to do
everything in moderation, and sojust because there's some
amazing sweets during theholidays doesn't mean that you
have to eat all of the things.
So my friend, who we spendevery Christmas and Thanksgiving
(23:01):
dinner with, makes the mostamazing desserts, and she does
not just make one dessert, shewill make four, five, six, seven
different desserts, and they'reall phenomenal, and so I will
take a bite of each of them, nota slice of each of them, right?
(23:22):
So I want to be able to tastethem and sample them.
But who can eat seven?
Well, okay, let me rephrase,because my boys will fill their
plates with slices, but the restof us who struggle to maintain
a healthy weight, right, like,just take a bite so that that
way you can savor it, you canmindfully eat that bite, you
(23:46):
know where you say wow, thetexture of this is so amazing,
the taste of this is soindulgent, right, like,
mindfully focus on that one biteof that dessert, and it's like
having a full piece of it.
Right, you don't have to have,you know, 1900 calories of sugar
(24:09):
.
You can have 200 calories ofthat sugar.
Sandy Zamalis (24:12):
Not to mention all the inflammation.
Dr. Amy Moore (24:15):
Right, yeah, we're going to do another
episode on sugar, aren't we?
Yeah?
Sandy Zamalis (24:21):
We probably need to.
Dr. Amy Moore (24:23):
Yeah, and so I don't think that we don't have
to fill our plates right, justsample things right so that you
get to participate in it, butwithout overindulging, because
it's painful to go.
Oh my gosh, I gained fivepounds over the holidays, or I
gained 10 pounds over theholidays and now I have to lose
(24:43):
it.
That's effortful, especially aswe age, if we can prevent that
weight gain, you know, by reallypaying attention to what we're
putting on our plates.
But you know, the food allergyand food sensitivity issue is
real.
I have a difficult timeparticipating in holiday parties
because of all of my foodallergies and many times I have
(25:07):
chosen to either eat before I goright, and then I'll just have,
you know, a sparkling water orsomething while I'm there, or
I'll bring my own.
Sandy Zamalis (25:18):
Yeah, that's what I was going to recommend.
I just bring what I can eat andshare, and that makes it easier
because at least I know there'sone choice for me so that I can
indulge in that.
Yeah, and hopefully someoneelse brought something I could
maybe fit in.
Dr. Amy Moore (25:36):
And I think that food allergies, like you said,
are super prevalent now.
So there are places that offerthose kinds of options, but I
think that we have to feelcomfortable saying to the host
or hostess you know, hey, I'vegot these food allergies.
Would it be okay if I broughtthis dish to share, so that I
(25:58):
know that there's something thatI'll be able to eat?
And a good hostess will eithersay, yes, absolutely bring that,
or you don't have to bring it.
I know what your food allergiesare, so I've already got that
covered.
Sandy Zamalis (26:14):
Right.
Dr. Amy Moore (26:15):
Right.
And if the host or hostess doesnot give you one of those two
options, then go back to yourchoice point Right?
Is this what I want my holidayto look like?
Right, having to go somewherewhere I can't eat anything,
where I can't bring anything ofmy own to eat?
(26:36):
Right, is that what I want myholiday to look like?
Sandy Zamalis (26:39):
Yeah, and you could probably use that same
rule for alcohol as well, likeif you're really trying to not
drink as heavily over theholiday season or keep that to a
minimum.
You know, again, providing yourown, bringing your own drink
that you can enjoy is helpful sothat you can engage in that and
(27:04):
still be a part of the fun.
If that is one of your choicepoints, right, yeah, absolutely
you want to be there be present,but you don't necessarily have
to engage if that's not whatyour plan is or what you want to
do for your holiday season.
Dr. Amy Moore (27:18):
I enjoy putting a flavored sparkling water in a
crystal glass.
To me that feels Fancy.
It does and so I don't have tohave champagne in that glass
right to feel like I'mparticipating.
I'm happy to have my sparklingwater in the champagne glass and
a lot of places do really yummymocktails now, like I was at a
(27:40):
wedding this summer and themocktail had I don't know four
different juices in it plussparkling water and I know it
was beautiful.
It was served in this Manhattanglass.
It was beautiful, so you canparticipate Sometimes it's all
about presentation.
(28:01):
Yes, it is right, Right.
So then I think it's alsoimportant to remember okay, what
does it look like when we dooverindulgent alcohol?
So does family conflict risewhen we do overindulge in
alcohol?
So does family conflict rise?
In my family it does, right,alcohol kind of feeds the
personalities that thrive onconflict.
And so if you are one ofconflictual what's the word, if
(28:34):
you begin to engage in conflictwhen you drink too much, is that
what you envision your holidayto look like?
Then, maybe stop at one or two,yeah, plus, how are you going
to feel the next day?
Is that what you want yourholiday to look like?
(28:54):
Do you want to spend the nextday hungover instead of enjoying
the time with your family?
I don't know.
I just love the choice point.
Sandy Zamalis (29:02):
Yeah Well, it forces you to be mindful, really
, of what it is you want theseason to look like, so that
you're getting the most out ofit and it's like your life any
given day.
But the holidays shouldn't bedifferent.
I think the problem is thatsometimes the holidays, you just
get roped into all of theshoulds, right.
Dr. Amy Moore (29:26):
So having to really think that through, it
just gets amplified.
So it's helpful to stop habitsthat you are hopefully doing the
(29:51):
rest of the year, right.
So, taking care of yourphysical needs, you know,
walking or working out, sleepingwell, watching the types of
foods that you're putting intoyour body Don't stop those
healthy habits.
Right, you can treat yourselfduring the holiday season
(30:16):
because it is fun, but thatdoesn't mean that you have to do
that to the exclusion of all ofthe great ways that you're
taking care of yourself the restof the year.
And then you know, one piece ofadvice that I want people to
hear is, if you see a therapistregularly already, don't stop
seeing your therapist over theholidays, right?
You don't wanna lose thetraction that you're making in
(30:37):
therapy by saying, hey, I'mgonna be really busy over the
holidays, it's a reallystressful season, so you know
I'll see you in January, okay,well, you just said the reason
why you should still be seeingyour therapist it's a really
stressful season, right, and sodon't take a vacation from
therapy.
That is a message that I wantpeople to hear loud and clear,
(31:00):
because you don't want to movebackwards in your progress and
you really might want thatadditional support during the
stressful season want thatadditional support during the
stressful season.
Sandy Zamalis (31:19):
Right, we've talked about a lot of it from,
like, our own personalperspective or from a mom or
dad's perspective, but let'stalk about trying to make sure
we avoid the meltdowns and theoverstimulation for our kids.
What recommendations do youhave for those?
Because if you can catch itearly and try to avoid it, it's
(31:40):
super helpful.
Dr. Amy Moore (31:43):
One thing I would avoid is overscheduling.
So we don't want to add stressto our kids, we don't want to
exhaust our kids.
What does an exhausted toddlerdo?
They melt down, right.
And so, really beingintentional about how you manage
(32:07):
the schedule while the kids areon school vacation without
overscheduling, it's verytempting to say, well, hey,
while we're on Christmas break,let's do all the things, all the
things.
Christmas break exists for areason to give kids a break.
So let them right, let themenjoy that downtime.
(32:30):
They need time to decompressfrom the semester, you know,
especially those middleschoolers and high schoolers who
have, you know, been going andgoing and going all semester.
So that's my number one tip isto not overschedule.
And then I think it's important, then, to set boundaries on
(32:55):
what you want your holidays tolook like and really A sense of
theme it's our theme and reallyclearly explain those to the
kids.
Hey, I know that you're off,you don't have any homework to
do, but we're going to set alimit on the amount of time that
you get to play video games.
We're going to set a limit onthe amount of time you get to
(33:17):
spend in front of the television, because we still want to take
care of your physical andemotional needs over the
holidays.
Sandy Zamalis (33:25):
I always loved planning crafts and things to do
with my kids during that time,which can sometimes be stressful
, so I would try not to makethem like super intense or hard
crafts, but just the ability tosit together and work on
something together.
I also really enjoyed takingthat time to pick a book to read
(33:47):
together as a family, just tobe intentional.
I don't know why the holidaysis a great time to do that.
You can do that anytime, butsometimes I think, with
everything going on, it's like anice connection point of
something to look forward to.
The Best Christmas Pageant Everwas our favorite book to read
(34:10):
during this time of year becauseit was short.
Dr. Amy Moore (34:13):
And then did you have like a discussion about it,
oh, sure, yeah, we knew I meanthat story.
Sandy Zamalis (34:19):
We knew by heart after a couple of years, so we
just enjoyed the story together.
But sometimes we would pickother books as well, and that
was just a fun time.
And you know, game nights arealways something great to add
during the holiday season too,because usually it's colder,
right, nobody's.
You know, a lot of the sportshave taken a break and it's the
(34:41):
time that you have together, sowhy not play some board games
together as well?
Dr. Amy Moore (34:46):
Yeah, I love that , and you know we would do
family movie nights over theholidays, right?
So the the Christmas favorites.
Sandy Zamalis (34:54):
Movie marathons.
I love movie marathons.
Dr. Amy Moore (34:56):
Yeah, right, and so like the die hard series you
know, that's the original onewas a classic Christmas movie.
Older kids y'all, yeah, youknow, or?
Sandy Zamalis (35:10):
Or Harry Potter my kids love.
I mean Harry Potter always hada Christmas element to it and
that's like a long series.
You could get through the wholething, oh yeah, but there's so
many out there to pick from andto do, but it's just that
quality time, that fun timetogether.
I used to pray for snow.
I love all times.
I just really love snow becauseit forces you, because you
(35:32):
can't go anywhere, forces you tosit together, forces you to
fire up the hot cocoa and sitaround a table together, even if
it's just playing cards, andtry to.
You know, just be together.
Dr. Amy Moore (35:47):
And I like to do cooking projects too.
Sandy Zamalis (35:50):
Yeah, that's always fun.
Dr. Amy Moore (35:51):
And what would typically happen in our house is
I would say, hey, I'm going tomake some cookies, christmas
cookies, if anybody wants tohelp and Evan, my youngest,
would inevitably want to helpright, he was always in the
middle of that action and theother two would go, and then,
within a few minutes, someoneelse would wander in.
(36:12):
Right, can I lick the spoon?
Well, no, but you can help dothis.
Right, I had this thing aboutraw egg.
I know they're pasteurized nowand I know it's okay, but I
guess that's a throwback fromthe 70s, when I couldn't lick
the spoon and so whatever.
Sandy Zamalis (36:28):
But I know I'm a total spoon licker.
I will eat the cookie dough raw.
I won't even make the cookie.
I was laughing with my husbandI'm not eating greens right now
(36:49):
but one of our clients.
We were supporting them fortheir volleyball team and they
were doing like these fancycookie dough packets that then
you could throw in the oven andjust make cookies.
Well, I got like the whitechocolate macadamia cookies and
I've not made one of them, buthalf that box is gone.
Cookies, and I've not made oneof them, but half that box is
gone.
I've eaten half the box of justthe dough balls that are in my
freezer.
So it will be there until I,you know, for a while now, since
(37:14):
I'm not eating that anymore.
But it's just really funny to mebecause some people aren't.
They won't.
You know that egg thing gets in, is in their head and they
won't do it.
I don't know, but I rememberwatching Rocky as a kid.
I don't know if you rememberthat scene where he cracks like
three eggs into a glass anddrinks them raw.
And I'm like if Rocky can do it.
Dr. Amy Moore (37:35):
You know, people put it in their blenders, and I
don't know, maybe it's a texturething too.
Oh, I'm sure.
Sandy Zamalis (37:41):
I'm sure, I don't know, I just have it.
Maybe it's a texture thing too,but the wrong, oh, I'm sure,
I'm sure.
Dr. Amy Moore (37:43):
We digress, yeah.
So just being intentional abouthow we schedule that that time,
I think is super important tominimize meltdowns, right, you
know?
And to make sure that even inthe busyness that we are
scheduling downtime as well.
Sandy Zamalis (38:03):
Yeah, and that would include, you know, don't
let them, don't let the kidsstay up too late.
I mean they still need theirsleep, cause it's just they've
got to maintain that schedulewhen school starts again, so
letting them get too off kilteron the schedule only makes
getting back into schoolschedule that much harder.
And then also, you know,managing that day to day.
(38:25):
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Dr. Amy Moore (39:19):
All right.
So I want to talk a little bitabout managing our own
expectations for the holidaysevery party that she threw was
Martha Stewart, perfect, right?
Everything was beautifullyarranged and decorated and the
(39:49):
food was gourmet and it wasperfect.
And so I grew up thinking thatentertaining and being a good
hostess meant that you were aperfect hostess, that everything
that you did should be perfect.
And it took me a lot of yearsof stressing about making sure
(40:13):
it was all perfect, that mybaseboards were sparkling clean
before anybody came into myhouse, that everything was made
from scratch, that I boughtnothing pre-prepared or
pre-packaged.
It took many years of stressing, thinking that that was the
expectation of what a hostessshould be, before I realized
(40:34):
that my mom loved doing that.
She made everything someticulously perfect because it
brought her joy, because sheenjoyed spending time.
It was an art to her.
That doesn't mean that everybodyhas to do it that way, right.
(40:56):
Hostessing, entertaining, beinghospitable to others, should
not be stressful.
It should be enjoyable, right?
It should be a gift to you andto your guests, and so I think
that was a really big lessonthat I learned too late, really,
right?
I wish I had realized earlieron, as a younger mom, that she
(41:19):
did that just because she lovedit, not because that's what you
should do, right.
It's one of those shoulds thatyou need to switch to.
What do I want?
What do I want to do?
What do I want my party to looklike?
Sandy Zamalis (41:34):
Right, that's such a good point, and I mean
that includes decorating,includes decorating I'm a
terrible decorator or even, youknow, making all of the
Christmas goodies to give away,like in my house it was always
well, in both sides of my familyreally, or my husband's side
(41:57):
and my side the amount of bakedgoods that get made is mind
boggling, and I felt like Ineeded to perpetuate that, like
I needed to make the sevendifferent types of cookies.
Make sure I made the baklavajust the way Yaya makes it.
I had to go through the wholething and it wasn't until I
think, probably five years ago,that I just said you know, I'm
(42:20):
going to make the one thing thatI like the best, and then, if
there's enough to share, I will,and if there's not, then I
won't, I won't, I just won't,and that's okay.
And then Christmas cards.
Christmas cards was a big onefor me too, like getting all the
Christmas cards together andmaking sure you have the family
(42:41):
holiday photo.
We have never, I will confessto the world, we have never had
a holiday family photo taken,and the guilt that I have from
that.
Every year I look at it andthink, ah, why don't I ever do
that, but it's just not on mylist.
It never makes priority.
It never hits the top at all,ever.
(43:01):
It's always an afterthought.
Dr. Amy Moore (43:04):
Well then, that's not in your vision for what
your holiday to look like, right?
No?
Sandy Zamalis (43:09):
that's right.
That's right.
But, yeah, I think, like whatyou're saying is you almost have
to.
You have to shed your childlikevision of what the holidays
look like and really reframe itin your present adult vision of
what you want your holiday to be.
Dr. Amy Moore (43:28):
Yeah, just because that's what your mom
wanted her holiday parties tolook like does not mean that
that's what they are supposed tolook like, what they should
look like or what they have tolook like.
For you, right, you get todefine what you want your
holiday to be.
That's the beauty of it, right?
And so there's so much freedomin that realization that you get
(43:50):
to define it.
And once you've defined whatyou want your holiday to look
like, every single decision youmake about the holiday season
can be made through that lens,right?
It either moves you towardswhat you want your holiday
season to look like or it movesyou away from what you want your
holiday season to look like.
It really makes those choicespretty simple.
(44:11):
Now, with one caveat you may berequired to attend your office
holiday party, right?
That is probably an expectationthat your company, unless you
work for yourself, might be anexpectation, and so you can't
control that.
You need to focus on what youcan control.
So there are going to be thosethings where you go, oh I got to
(44:32):
do this even though I don'twant to.
That's life, right?
Sandy Zamalis (44:37):
But maybe you can just make an appearance.
Dr. Amy Moore (44:40):
I do that Show up late, leave early, you are
there.
Sandy Zamalis (44:43):
You came, you participated.
Dr. Amy Moore (44:52):
Make sure you talk to the boss so they know
they saw you Great point Exactly.
And then the other thing I wantto talk about briefly is you
know how stressful the holidayseason is, and so if you're
stressed, then everyone else isprobably stressed too, right?
So I mentioned that study byAPA at the very top of the show.
Nine out of 10 people areexperiencing additional stress
(45:14):
over the holiday season, so wehave to focus on being kind.
It's going to be frustrating tostand in long lines.
It's going to be frustrating tostand in long lines.
It's going to be frustrating todrive in holiday traffic.
It's going to be frustratingwhen they're sold out of
something that we wanted, and sowe have to recognize that
(45:37):
everyone else is experiencingstress as well.
Everyone else is experiencingstress as well, and if we can
say I'm going to be kind, thenit keeps the temperature low or
lower on the stressful situation, rather than throwing fuel on a
fire.
Sandy Zamalis (45:56):
I would add, adding really focusing on adding
gratitude to that as well, liketrying to just be mindful every
day and think about the thingsyou're grateful for in the
holiday season, will keep yougrounded.
In that It'll help you be kind.
Dr. Amy Moore (46:13):
And what a great conversation to have as a family
right over the dinner table.
Hey, let's everybody name threethings that they're grateful
for today, right, what a neatway to hear what people value,
right?
But then also to keepmindfulness, I mean, I'm sorry,
to keep gratitude in mind.
Sandy Zamalis (46:35):
A colleague of ours recently posted on Facebook
the like a November calendar ofbeing grateful and that's what
was popped up in my head and Ireally loved the idea because it
was someone to say thank you toevery day, versus the typical
thank you things we get duringthis time of year.
But it was a say thank you toyour medical provider today,
(47:01):
Just little things like that.
Like I thought that would bereally powerful if we spent the
whole holiday season justthanking people.
Dr. Amy Moore (47:08):
I love that.
I'm gonna write that down so Idon't forget.
Sandy Zamalis (47:12):
Donisa, if you're listening, you know it's you so
.
Dr. Amy Moore (47:16):
Thanks, Donisa.
Okay, I don't wanna leavewithout saying that we recognize
that sometimes the holidays canbe so, so hard that you might
feel that you don't have anysupport and that you're all
alone.
And so please get help.
Don't hesitate to reach out.
You can call 988 for help ifyou are just feeling like you're
(47:40):
at the end of your rope.
Don't suffer alone.
Sandy Zamalis (47:47):
That's a good way to end.
Dr. Amy Moore (47:48):
Yeah, all right.
Well, this was a superinteresting conversation.
I loved hearing how you managethe holiday season in different
ways than I manage the holidayseason.
So, listeners, I hope that youall got some great ideas from
both of us.
All right, well, thank you somuch for listening today.
(48:11):
If you like us at all, pleasefollow us on Instagram and
TikTok.
At the Brainy Moms.
You can find all our episodeson every major podcast platform,
but you can go to our websiteat thebrainymomscom.
You can also find me on mybrand new personal Instagram.
Dr Amy Says Grace, and you canfind Sandy on TikTok at the
(48:34):
Brain Trainer Lady.
If you want to see herdemonstrate and talk about brain
training exercises that sheuses all day, every day at
LearningRx.
You can find her there, don'tforget.
You can check our show notesfor some resources from our
sponsor, learningrx, includingsome free brain training
exercises that you can try athome.
(48:56):
That is all the smart stuffthat we have for you today, so
we're going to catch you nexttime.
Have a great week.
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