Chasing Balance - House Rules

In this episode, we’re pulling back the curtain on the real house rules — the unwritten ones our kids have created that seem to run the household. From disrupting dinner time with last-minute requests to turning our clean laundry system into a never-ending game of "find the hamper," we’re diving into the hilarious (and sometimes maddening) behaviors that we, as parents, never agreed to but are forced to live with every day.

We’ll share some of the most ridiculous and laugh-out-loud "rules" our kids have created, including the never-ending quest to find lost keys, the strategic food rejection game, and the art of leaving toothpaste fingerprints in places we’d never expect. You won’t want to miss these real-life parenting moments that make us wonder, "Why don’t we have a say in these house rules?!"

Got any funny or frustrating house rules your kids have imposed? Share them with us!

Don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe for more parenting laughs and stories. We love hearing from you—whether it's about house rules or your own parenting triumphs and challenges!

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hey everyone, I'm Matt. I'm Deanna. And this is Chasing Balance. And in today's episode,

(00:06):
we got a fun one for you. We're talking about our unwritten house rules.

(00:35):
So in this episode, we are going to go back and forth kind of in the minds or the voices
of our children, as if you and I are the new kid coming into a family and we got to teach
you the household rules as a kid, the unwritten household rules that our kids have for our

(01:02):
house. So hopefully you guys listening can relate to this. Hopefully it goes off without
a hitch and it's pretty funny. So do you want to start off or do you want me to start? I'm
going to start. Okay. So just so you know, in our house, when you need your butt wiped,

(01:24):
you must ask mom and dad right when they sit down, they're about to eat and put the first
bite of food in their mouth. So you ruin the rest of their meal. That's a rule. You have
to do that. You have to. Yes. Just so you know, okay. Tell me in our house, yes, you

(01:45):
must at least have eight snacks in a row and a row. Okay. And leave all of the wrappers
in the pantry. You can't throw them out. No, that's unacceptable. Mom and dad don't get
mad about that. They don't. Okay. I'm going to keep it on the poop one. Okay. Cause I

(02:06):
know we all have to do that. Right. Everybody poops when you poo. Yes. You must use at least
a half a roll of toilet paper to wipe your butt. Just to make sure that you clog the
toilet. Yes. You have to. There's no other way to do it. There's no other. Yes. You have
to do that. Well, on that note, yes. In our house, yes. If you pick your nose, you got

(02:32):
to eat it, right? No, no, no. No. What do you do? You don't use a Kleenex. No, no, no.
And then if you choose not to pick it, you must take that booger and rub it right on
the chair. They don't have Kleenexes here? They do. They do have Kleenexes. But they
don't want you to use them for some reason. They say that they want you to use them, but

(02:56):
they're lying. Okay. In this house, sometimes you'll hear mom and dad yelling a little bit.
Okay. They have this key holder, right? Okay. But they never hang their keys up on it. And
they're always running around the house yelling, where are the fucking keys?

(03:23):
Do they yell at us for putting that like meeting to put our stuff back where they belong? I
think so. So that's why everything's okay. Okay. Okay. Well, in our house, even though
you may know how to pee directly into the toilet, you must leave a pee trail on the

(03:49):
toilet seat just to hear mom say, Oh my God. Just like three or four drops. No, you must
cover the entire room. Oh, the whole seat, the whole entire seat. So it's nice and refreshing.
Okay. I'll make note of that. All right. When mom and dad say it's time to eat dinner, when

(04:12):
you come to the dinner table, you have to act like they're trying to poison you. You
got to look at that food. Like you've never seen it before in your life. Like what is
this? Okay. You have to make them feel like shit for giving you that pile of shit.
All right. It's a must. So in our house, when playing a game, there must be a minimum of

(04:43):
150 rules. Oh, absolutely. Okay. I see what you're saying. Yes. But then half of those
rules have to negate the other roles, the other person that's obviously. Okay. So, you
know that I got it. Okay. So there in our house, there are laundry hampers, right? And

(05:04):
each one of our bedrooms do not let any of your clothes get into the hamper, right? They
can touch it, but do not let any of your clothes or your wet towels get into the hamper. They
must be laid on the floor. That's so interesting because I also wanted to note that in our
house, they will win. Mom and dad. They will win. Okay. If you do not change your clothes,

(05:36):
a minimum of three times a day. And when you change those clothes, are they dirty or they
clean? Nope. No, they all go in the pile that we talked about on the floor, on the floor.
Right. Yes. All right. Hey, when mom and dad say it's bedtime before you go upstairs, you

(05:58):
have to sprinkle Legos everywhere, across every floor so that our robot vacuum at night has
something to choke on. The goal is to kill the vacuum. You don't want anything clean
in this house. Also in our, in our house, any game played must be played as if your

(06:27):
life depends on it. Oh yeah. You got to be competitive. You have to, whether it's, it
involves pulling a hamstring. That hamstring is worth it. Even if it's a game of like co-fish
or something. Yes, exactly. Okay. All right. Just know that if you need something and dad's

(06:47):
right next to you, you have to seek out mom, no matter where she is in the house. And I'm
talking if she's out, just call her. It's a must. Okay. You must wait until mom and dad

(07:15):
are on a work meeting to ask them the most trivial question with the utmost importance.
Okay. Like what? Like where's mom? Okay. It is a rule that at dinnertime you throw out

(07:39):
at least 50% of your dinner. Obviously. And then two minutes later, go straight for the
fuck. You have to proclaim that you are starving. Because of the trash that was served. The
poison that was served. When mom and dad begin having a conversation, that is the opportunity

(08:02):
that you have to ask them all of the questions or try to be the most annoying version of
yourself so that they inevitably stop having that conversation. So if they have a conversation,
they win. We don't want mom and dad to talk. No, no, never. No. I want to go back to the
snacks thing. I just want to make sure I'm clear on this. So if you say you're full at

(08:28):
dinnertime, it doesn't mean you're fully full. Right. It means that you're just ready for
ice cream to granola bars, pretzels and a bag of Scooby snacks. Right? Yes. I just wanted
to make sure I was clear on that. All right. The most important rule though, that you must
follow at all times is that no matter what time of day it is, whether it is five in the

(08:50):
morning or 10 at night, we must always use our outdoor voices. Oh, is it good to slam
doors to them? Yes. Slam doors, kick, scream, all of it. Yeah. All the time. The last one
I have, and this is pretty important. It's pretty important. I'm sure I'll come up with

(09:12):
others in the future, but when you're brushing your teeth, you must leave toothpaste fingerprints
on the walls. Okay. And we have these points and you get extra credit points if those fingerprints
are nowhere near the bathroom. Right. Okay. What about the toothpaste that you spit out

(09:36):
in the sink? Do you wash that down? No, leave that there until it dries. Okay. Yeah. So
it's harder to clean. Yes. That's it. The last one that I have on my list, and I'm sure there'll
be more, is no matter how many times mom and dad request for you to not kick the car seat
in front of them or in front of you, you will kick it, but also make sure that your shoes

(10:02):
are full of mud at the time. Well, obviously. Yes. That's the whole point. Yes. So that
you can see the size 13 shoe sole on that seat. Never want to get it rubbed off, right?
Just imprinted in there. All right. So this was hopefully one of many just unwritten household

(10:24):
rules that our kids seem to have come up with and not let us in on these rules or else we
would have changed them. So we hope you appreciated these little stories. We thank you for listening
and we will see you next time.