February 13, 2025 • 43 mins
We explore a parenting strategy that may seem unusual to some in this episode of Chasing Balance: No Baby Talk. We discuss the reasons behind our decision to speak to our children as equals from the beginning, eschewing the conventional baby talk and utilizing mature, real language.
Join us as we discuss the advantages of this strategy, which include helping kids strengthen their bonds with friends, teammates, and teachers as well as improving their communication and problem-solving abilities. We discuss how treating them as equals has paved the way for their development and independence and why we think it has had a long-lasting effect on their self-assurance in navigating the outside world. This episode provides a new viewpoint on raising kids who are prepared to interact with the world as engaged, thoughtful members of society, regardless of whether you are a parent, educator, or simply interested in other parenting philosophies.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey everyone, I'm Matt. I'm Deanna and in today's episode we're talking about why we never use baby talk
(00:06):
and we always talk to our kids like equals. So in this episode
(00:36):
we're going to dive into the approach of never using baby talk with our children and discuss why
us talking to them like equals has helped them foster a stronger communication and better respect
and better understanding for the rules and expectations that we set for them. Yeah, I want to
(01:00):
first started off by saying once again this podcast is not expert advice. No, it's not. Not by any
means. And in addition to that, just because we stumbled upon this doesn't mean that you're doing
it the wrong way. Right. It's not a one size fits all. It's just something that worked for us and we
(01:23):
liked how it the end results was more going and we just kind of adapted it with all three of our
kids. Yeah. And why did we start talking to them like they were adults? We don't know. We didn't
plan it. We really didn't notice that we talked to our kids like adults until it was brought to our
(01:46):
attention by family and friends giving us compliments. They would compliment us on saying,
you know, I really like how you're raising your kids and how you talk to them like adults and you
don't talk to them like kids. Yeah. Because I never, you know, I just step back and take a second and
think, I guess we do do that. So either we stumbled upon something great and we set them up for
(02:09):
success or we stumbled upon something that is going to ruin their lives. I don't think it'll ruin
their life. So yeah, we did not plan on raising our kids this way. It just happens and we didn't
even realize that we were doing it until we were complimented on it. So at least one person out
there thinks we're doing it right. I don't even know who that person is. I'll take it. So, you
(02:37):
know, baby talk is, is a powerful way to get a child's attention because, you know, they hear that
voice. It's a higher pitched tone. But what I was reading online once I wanted to do this topic is
that there is no function in that language that's being used besides getting their attention. Kind
(03:00):
of like a dog. Yeah, exactly. So, and I would say, and as funny as it is, I would say that I baby
talk the dog. Yeah. And I don't do it with, with my children. Now, even though baby talk will get
them to imitate you, you don't want them to imitate those wrong words, those wrong inflections, the
(03:22):
way that you're talking to them like a baby. You don't want them to repeat incorrect grammar in
silly words. Now, I understand, you know, the kids, they're going to be silly. But also when you're,
when you're teaching them how to speak, how to communicate, you want them to get the full
understanding, the full picture of that word, right? Yeah. And I remember when Preston first
(03:47):
started, he was like of the age to talk, and he just refused to talk. Refused. He relied heavily on
sign language. So we would just teach him more and more sign language. And then it got to the point
where the state like assisted us with speech. And they basically said no more sign language.
(04:10):
Yeah. Like he's using it as a crutch. And then it was, he had to make a sound like, oh, you want
milk? Yeah. Okay, say milk. And then, you know, he would throw these temper tantrums, because now
we're asking him to do something that he has never had to do. And it was, they said, no matter what,
if he makes a sound, even if it's like nowhere near it, then give it to him, because then he
(04:35):
needs to associate that sound. So for him, it went from inaccurate sounds, to then we need to kind of
wrap it up and reel it back into what it should. Yes. So our, our start of parenthood started out
(04:56):
that way in terms of like, we can't do baby talk. We can't do shortened versions because, you know,
he was three and he wasn't talking. They need to learn how to talk, how to communicate. And, you
know, and that's what the speech pathologist told us to like, you know, no more abbreviating
(05:18):
anything, you know, no more calling milk by a nickname or calling, you know, a bottle, like, you
know, a Baba. Yeah. No, no more doing that. You have to call it what it is. So, and a couple
examples of how we talk to our kids like adults, especially now that they're, you know, a little
(05:39):
bit older. And let me back up for a second. Now, when I say that we're talking to our kids like
adults, that means we are communicating to them. It doesn't mean that we're not letting them have
a childhood. Right. Yes. I mean, we're saying, Oh my God, I can't believe that, you know, you
believe in this or, you know, um, yeah, you know, we're not saying that you can't, you know, have
(06:03):
an imagination. You can't have imaginary friends or play imaginary or have that create, creativeness.
You know, we are just talking along the lines of communication. That's it. Yeah. And I mean,
with that being said, all three of our kids have amazing imaginations. They do. Even like our
oldest, he'll still do imaginary play with the two younger. And that's like 50% because that's
(06:28):
just, you know, how he is. He's very creative and then also forced because you have to play with
your brother. Yes. You need to play with your brothers right now because they're driving me
crazy. I need a break to get dinner ready. You know, okay. So back to what I was saying, um,
examples of how we talk to our kids like adults. So one is, and I think it's very important is
(06:52):
kind of cause and effect. Like, yeah, whether it's, they make a bad choice at school or
whether it's riding your bike without a helmet on or, you know, I think we're the only family that
really pushes that in our neighborhood. Yeah. I mean, in our neighborhood, you'll see kids
riding hoverboards, 20 miles an hour, no shirt on dirt bikes. It's just the wild, wild west out here.
(07:19):
So we try to show cause and effect. Um, we try not to have them be, we try to have them be cautious,
but not too cautious. Kind of, we still let them be kids, try new things, but we also want
their thinking to be, okay, if, if, if I do this, then this could possibly happen. For example,
(07:45):
you know, they're out there four, five, six kids in a trampoline. Yeah. And I gently remind them,
well, gently the first time remind them, Hey buddy, you have a soccer tournament this weekend.
If you get hurt, you're really going to let your team down. Yeah. You know,
um, not, you know, instead of saying, Oh, Hey buddy, just, you know, Hey buddy, calm down. Hey
(08:09):
buddy, calm down. You know, you explain it to them like, Hey, your team's counting on you.
Yeah. You have to have the forefront. You have to think longterm. You have to think like,
okay, are we getting too crazy? Could somebody potentially get hurt without planting that seed
of doubt? Right. Because you don't want them to limit their bodies and what they can do. And I
(08:31):
think that it's important for them to learn their own cause and effects. But if they're in a situation
that they aren't familiar with, or, you know, they just need that gentle reminder, giving it to them
in a way in which it doesn't plant that seed of doubt. I think that's kind of what we stem on.
And we're back and forth. Like, so, you know, jumping into a trampoline, five or six kids,
(08:55):
someone's going to step on your feet, you're going to bonk heads, something, and then you won't be
able to do a soccer tournament. So then we tell them to calm down, right? You got to, you got to
just be careful, right? Maybe kick two or three of those kids out and maybe have a limit. Yeah.
And then on the other way around, you know, if the kids to apprehensive with something like
our little list doesn't want to do the water side, we still encourage them to do it. So it's not like
(09:19):
we're just saying, don't do stuff. Don't do stuff. We are encouraging other things. And it's really
just showing them the cause and effect. Like if this happens, you know, this could be the result
of that same thing with the positive stuff. If you go down the water side, you're going to love it
and you're never going to want to stop doing it. So why don't you try it out? Right. And I think the
(09:40):
other side of things is the fact that if it's something that they're not comfortable with,
having that conversation with them, like, why aren't you comfortable with it? Why don't you want
to do it? Why don't you want to challenge yourself? And what's the worst thing that could happen?
Like what in you inside your head is stopping you because you think that this is the worst case
(10:00):
scenario. And is that worst case scenario really that bad to justify not trying it?
That leads to the second thing out here is examples of how we taught to our kids like adults.
You especially let the kids lead the discussion, whether it's something that happened at school
or they don't want to do something. You know, for example, with, you know, the sports when
(10:24):
they don't, you know, we sign them up for sports. They don't want to do it. Okay. Why don't you want
to do it? Whether they're right or wrong, we let them finish talking. Yeah. And I think a great
example of that is with Braden, our middle kid. He's been 100% soccer since today that he could
(10:45):
kick a ball. And with his soccer career, I would say at this point, he has evolved as a player.
And there is a local club that wanted him to try out essentially a higher club higher skilled
higher skill because at that point in time, he was just playing or I don't want to say just he was
(11:07):
playing at the rec level. Right. And the two the rec and the club kind of feed into each other.
Right. So the club asked him to come out and try out for the club team. So I thought that
it was a great idea. It was a great opportunity. He got there. He literally stepped on the fields,
(11:28):
looked around at all the people and he said no. Yeah. And I was like, Braden, you haven't even
tried. Right. Like you don't know these people. And he's like, I can tell you right now, it's a no,
this is not my vibe. And I was just like, okay, give it the day. If you still feel that way,
then, you know, we don't have to pursue this. And it got to the end and he was like, the answer
(11:51):
still no. Okay, you gave it a try. You stepped outside of your boundary. And I mean, granted,
I don't know what it was that really like gave him that vibe. And maybe he's more like me,
you know, like what we were talking about in our previous previous discussion was, you know,
you just get that feeling, you get that feeling because you know, he later, a few years later,
(12:16):
he transitioned over to a different rec team with a different club that feeds into it. And he gave
that a try and he's like, I love it. Yeah. So we let him lead a discussion. Yes. And we let him
make a choice. And we encouraged him to step outside of his boundary of comfort. Yep. So,
(12:37):
so far we have cause and effect. We teach our kids cause and effect. We talk to them about,
you know, if this happens, then this will be the outcome. We lead discussions. I'm sorry,
we let them lead discussions and we give our input on it, trying to encourage them into the way
that mostly what we want or what we think is best for them. And then the last thing, it's kind of
(12:57):
a small thing, but when, when they were growing up, we never gave anybody nicknames. Yes. You know,
our, our aunts, the, or I'm sorry, the kids, aunts and uncles, even their, their brother's names,
we never gave them nicknames because we wanted them to be able to say pronounce uncle, aunt,
(13:21):
you know, things, things of that nature, names like that, instead of relying on a, on a crutch
of just, you know, too small sounds put together. Yes. Yeah. That was a, that was a big one. Because
our family is so big and there's already like a full list of nicknames established. So I think
(13:43):
that was kind of like a thorn in a lot of my sibling side because they went from, you know,
like TT to aunt harmony. Right. Well, and I mean, it's cute. I understand it. It's cute. It's a nice,
you know, family tradition to have, but it was just something that we, that we did. And, and
(14:06):
another thing that I was researching online showed that during the first three years,
kids mean or learn the meaning of many words, signs and other forms of communication.
So once again, I know we think all their babies, you know, they don't, they don't know how to talk.
They don't really understand what anything it means. Maybe it might inflection
(14:28):
will make them pay more attention to me or learn something different. But the first three years,
they're sponges. Exactly. They just soak it all up. Yeah. And like you said,
infants and toddlers show their needs and wants. And if they don't know how to communicate, obviously
they do it through crying, through screaming, through hitting. And you kind of talked about
(14:52):
earlier about the sign language, all of our kids knew sign language. We talked to all of them in
sign language. Max knew our youngest knew the most sign language. And I think that he actually had
the worst speech skills out of all three of them because we taught him so much sign language.
(15:14):
And obviously his brothers would help him with everything too. Yeah. Everybody was at home when
he was a baby baby. And when he was developing, everybody was home. So it was all hands on
deck at all points in time. And that's, you know, they already had that prior knowledge.
So they would like dip into that and teach him. And you're right. He was probably the furthest
(15:38):
behind in speech. But now as he's evolved, he still, I mean, he still has his speech issues.
But he does an amazing job of... There's some things that he says that I'm just blown away by.
Like, oh my God, how do you understand that? How did you put that sentence together?
And he also does an amazing job of like, okay, mom is an understanding me. So I'm going to use
(16:02):
a different example. I'll go grab the thing that I'm talking about and explain it to her.
Exactly. And show it to her. Yeah. I mean, and it helps them develop. It helps them
communicate better with us. Yeah. Right? So once again, we're not saying that anybody else is out
there doing it wrong. This is what we have learned. This is what I'm seeing. So kids, so what we've
(16:24):
seen is that kids are sponges. The first three years of their lives, they do soak in everything
and they do try to communicate. Yeah. Whether it's crying, whether it's babble here and there,
whether it's screaming, even them doing sign language and then also on top of it, we don't
think about it. Them just coloring on a piece of paper with a crayon is a form of communication.
(16:47):
Yeah. Yes. So why not start them off on the right foot and use the right inflections or use the right
the correct way to speak to them, tell them the right words, show them the right words,
show them how things are pronounced correctly. So that's my little talk on that. Now,
(17:13):
the benefits of speaking of your kids like adults are communication skills. Like we just said,
how Max will, even though he might not be hitting the nail on the head every single time when he's
trying to tell us something, because the funny thing about Max is that so he's four years old,
he will try to have an adult conversation with us. He will. He prefers hanging out with the adults
(17:34):
more than he prefers hanging out with kids his age and that's why he loathes the idea of school.
So he, so he tries to have an adult conversation with us, which I think is because we have,
we have shown him that we are willing to talk to him like an adult. So he will have a conversation
with us like an adult. And though, even though we don't always understand some of the words that
(17:58):
he's putting together, he still has worked on those communication skills and can figure it out.
You know, he can, he can think of how he can tell us another way. Yes. While using his words at the
same time, kind of like how when he was learning to talk and we had the speech pathologist help us,
(18:19):
she said, you can do signs, but make sure that he is looking at your mouth and do the signs while
you're saying it. Don't just silently do your sign language. Yeah. Do like a little tap on your
mouth so that you can draw his attention. Yep. Also another way of us seeing the benefits of
us talking to our kids like adults, I do believe that they respect more boundaries than other kids
(18:42):
that I've seen. Yeah. They understand, you know, when it's, when it's, you know, mom and dad's
work time, you know, instead of saying, because as you may know, we work remote and instead of
us telling our, our, our young child, you know, hey, mama and data are busy. We're just busy
(19:05):
right now. We can't play right now. Mama and data are busy. Instead, hey buddy, I have to get on a
meeting real quick, but I'll be off in about 30 minutes and then I can talk to you. Yeah. You
know, and then I can take a break and play with you. Right. And it goes from kind of baby talk,
kind of dumbing it down for them and not really giving them an explanation of why
(19:27):
you can't give them attention right now and then explaining to them that you have a meeting or
what the reason is or that you have to work. And I really do think that that's worked wonders,
especially for Max because he was the first baby where we were first both remote and he
understands that now. Like if we're in a meeting, he, you know, he opens the door very quietly and
(19:49):
just goes over to the person that doesn't have a headset on. You know, very quietly whispers. Yeah.
Nine times out of 10, it's nothing of any importance, but it is very important to him.
Yeah. So they, so, so that being said, the kids also understand, I believe understand
more consequences and rules because of the whole how we teach them the cause and effect thing.
(20:12):
Yeah. I would agree with that. So they know that what we set expectations out for them,
this is how our family is. This is our family rules. This is how we look at life and how we
think that you should behave. Yeah. And these are the consequences. If you don't behave that way.
(20:33):
And I think they typically abide by those rules. For example, Preston. Yeah. He has always been a
great student. Our deal with him, and we've told him point blank, we treated it like an adult,
kind of like your manager would at work. If you don't mess up, I'm not bothering you.
Yeah. I'm not going to micromanage you. If you're putting in the work and your results are where
(20:58):
you want them to be and where we agree they should be, then yeah. And mind you, we're not demanding
straight A's out of our child. We're not demanding a hundred percent all the time out of our child.
I am. You are not. But in that conversation happens before like the school year even begins.
It's like, Hey, what are your goals for the school year? Okay, these are your goals.
(21:22):
Your like his goal was to get straight A's. 4.0. Yeah. 4.0. He wanted to be perfect.
So we're like, okay, that's your goal. And then every once in a while, we would check in on the
Google classroom. Yeah. And it's like, okay, buddy, you need to focus in on this. It looks like you
might be down here on this. It looks like your on point for these subjects. But that's very rare
(21:47):
and far between. I think we did that at the beginning of the school year, but now he's gotten
a grasp on what is expected, how to maintain it and what those steps are. If he's not doing well,
like, Oh, okay, I got to be on this test. Now I can ask my teacher if there's any extra credit
assignments that she has, but I could kind of, you know, do in order to bring that grade up.
(22:12):
So it doesn't have a big impact on my grade. Yeah. So you asked him what his goal was this
year. He says, I want to get a 4.0. I want to get straight A's. Okay, no problem, buddy.
We will help you do that. And the first semester came and it went and he did, he did pretty good.
He started falling off in math. Yeah. But falling off, it was like an A minus. No, he was around
(22:35):
the B range, which is not bad. I'm not saying that's bad, but he wanted to get straight A's.
That was his goal. So I made sure we made sure that we reached out to his teacher. Do you have
extra credit? How can he study for a test? How can he get, you know, extra practice on this?
And now he has straight A's again. Yeah. And now when he comes home, he does his homework.
(22:58):
Like we don't remind him. He does his homework when he needs to do it. Yeah. That being said,
and I've reminded him, you know, buddy, if you're not doing your homework, you understand that it
comes back on us as a responsibility, right? Yeah. He says, yes. So we give him that, that leeway
as long as you are doing everything you can to get the grades that you want. Yeah. We're good.
(23:23):
And I mean, we even made that correlation with the chores. Like I know that we've talked about
on previous episodes, we've talked about that chorebot thing app that we use. And this past
week, he only flagged that he did like 11 of his chores. And I said, well, you only did 11 of it.
So I'm only going to give you a percentage of what I should give you on a weekly basis. No,
(23:48):
let's back up. Yeah. 11 chores, meaning that he has three to four set chores per day to do. It's
not like he's got like to clean the attic, clean the garage. He has to, you know, dishes, wipe the
table down after dinner and charge his phone, charge his phone. So that's a real hard one.
And then the other one is empty his laundry basket so that we can do the laundry.
(24:11):
So it's not slave labor or anything. So it's all respectable age appropriate.
We're not demanding the stars and the moon from him. So we have this chorebot app. Yeah.
It's hanging on the wall in our kitchen on a, on a smart display. Yeah. And they are responsible
to do their chores. Yeah. And check them off. Once they're done, they get to check them off
(24:35):
because it doesn't count unless you check it off. Right. So his argument was, Mom, I already,
I did all of those. I did all of my chores. I just forgot to check it off. And I said,
okay, well, if you did your homework and you forgot to turn it in, do you get credit for that?
Or does your teacher say no? Yeah. And he's like, Oh, come on. And I know it sounds like we're
(24:57):
being assholes, but we're teaching them to be responsible for themselves. We're not yelling
at them. We're not scolding them. Right? We're saying, Hey, if you did all this work, do that
last final step. Right. You got to complete it. It only impacts you. It doesn't impact us. Yeah.
Like this is how these are ways for you to be successful. Here are your tools. And then go,
(25:22):
and then going back to school for, for the other kiddo, Braden, his big thing right now is he wants
to get, you know, do really well on spelling tests. And he has a spelling test every week. And
it's always the same thing starts off strong. Then when it gets to the end, he's got two or three
words that he's really if he on. And we say, Hey, go write those three times, you know, spell them
(25:43):
in your head, say them out loud, all that stuff. Make a song, make a jingle. And there's always the
breakdown on Thursday nights. And we have the conversation. It's not a baby conversation. It's
not a, Oh buddy, I know, I know that it sucks. You know, it's Braden, how awesome did you feel
last week when you got a hundred percent on your spelling test? Yeah. So you can either
(26:08):
sit here and, you know, be upset about it, or you can just go study these three words for 15
minutes and be very proud of yourself tomorrow after you're done with your, exactly, you know,
you know, and it's, we just cause and effect again. If you do this, this is more than likely
the outcome. Yeah. And I mean, on that note, just like a little side story that is really funny.
(26:31):
When he first started doing his spelling test at the beginning of the year, he would get like four
out of 10. He didn't put in effort at all. He didn't study at all. And that was the result. It was
four out of 10. And then the first week he really asked me, he's like, okay, I need help. So we
developed a plan. We made, we made cards. We practiced those words. He was on point. He, he did,
(26:56):
he spelled all of his words correctly on his test. And then his teacher marked him down because he
capitalized for letters at the beginning. So he ended up getting a four out of 10. But really,
he got a 10 out of 10 for spelling and he came home and he was like, this is bullshit.
And I was just like, I completely agree with you. So that's, so,
(27:23):
so, so before I get into that, let me, let me say the practical tips for speaking to your
children like grownups, like how you can do it. So you, you, you're supposed to narrate your life
to them, kind of talk to them like a story, make it interesting, but don't baby talk, don't use
(27:44):
some crazy inflections on something to gain more attention, speak slowly so they can understand
it. Cause obviously they don't always understand larger concepts like that sometimes pause and
let them react. Okay. Use real words, obviously no made up words, which is kind of self-explanatory.
(28:06):
So you need to, and I'm talking anywhere from baby to toddler, face them when you're talking
so they can see your facial expressions, your lips and exaggerate your facial expressions
and your voice as far as if you're telling something dramatic or if you're telling something
(28:26):
sad, show emotion, show emotion. Yeah. All right. But that doesn't mean that you cut off
then's words, rhyming words together just to make them to, to get more intrigued by it. You want
them to be able to understand the proper way to speak and to learn, to learn how to speak.
(28:47):
Now I want to go back to, and this is off topic. I didn't have this written down or anything.
I'm going to go and tell you guys the negative things about talking like an adult
to your kids. Oh, okay. So obviously if there's an issue with somebody at school or one of their
(29:08):
friends, you know, I will let them know, you know, that kid, that kid sounds like a bully,
that kid sounds like an asshole, and I don't think that you should be hanging around them,
or if there's even a bigger issue, you let me know. Right. And I will talk to the teacher.
Yeah. You know, I've said that multiple times with Preston, he's like, I don't want you involved
(29:34):
because you go too hard. Same thing with, with, you know, even school work. So when Preston was
having that a little bit lower grade than what he wanted for math, I told him, Hey, your teacher is
doing tutoring sessions after school. And he got in the car very upset. And he said, I don't want
to do it. And so I kind of drilled him and asked him why, and it come to find out that kids in
(29:59):
the hallway while passing were making fun of kids that stay after school to get tutoring.
And I'm like, and I point blank told him, I was like, this kid has nothing to do, whoever you heard
or whoever is down talking you has nothing to do with your future has nothing to do with your school
(30:20):
work has nothing to do with your football career has nothing to do with you has no impact on your
life. So why do you care what they think? Right? Exactly. If someone, and I told him, I said,
if someone does not affect my money, my family or my health, I don't give a shit what they think.
If it's negative, if it's negative, yeah, right. Yeah. And I've tried to tell him that and obviously,
(30:45):
you know, sometimes that backfires because my adult talking and my attitude gets portrayed.
I shouldn't say attitude. My outlook gets portrayed on them. And then they sometimes relay
that to their friends, right? Yeah. And can possibly get me in trouble or him in trouble. You know,
(31:07):
it's a few and far between. And I guess I would rather be open and honest with my kid, talk to
him like an adult, you know, say things that my parents didn't say to me. Yeah. And not because
that my parents didn't communicate with me because I didn't communicate with my parents.
And I really feel that us talking to them like adults opens up that door just wide open
(31:31):
for press and especially while he's dealing with these difficult times and hard times in
middle school and then, you know, middle school is so hard to begin with. And then in high school,
yeah, it's a whole different bag. We have that door open where he can come to us. He can come to
us. He can talk to like into adult if he's really angry. He can swear if he's angry about that
situation. He can express his emotions to us. Yeah. If it's actually, you know, heartfelt,
(31:56):
not just fooling around with his friends, swearing all the time. That's not allowed.
That's not. But if he is very passionate about something, he is allowed to come to us and I
am passionately going to respond to him and tell him what I think. Yeah. If I was given that advice
when I was a kid, like, oh, this person is picking on you. Does he have anything to do with your
(32:20):
grades? Does he have anything to do with your home life? Does he have anything to do with your
sports? Is are you going to know him in two to three years? Yeah. I mean, and for an example,
in like my life, when I was growing up, I was, I was pretty chunky. I was a, I was a fuller girl
and I got made fun of for that a lot. And the comfort that I received and obviously like as
(32:45):
a parent, you don't really want your kid to experience that and like be bullied or, or
anything like that. But my mom just simply told me like, oh, well, there's more, there's more
for God to love. It's great, but that doesn't help me. So I mean, and I think that that's part
(33:08):
of the reason why. Do you think you would have been, been, I guess, healthier earlier, mentally
and physically, if she had that conversation with you and kind of said, well, you know,
you're getting bullied about this and she tried to kind of like fix it and tell you like, okay,
well, let's, let's make a meal plan. I think you're perfect the way you are. But if you
(33:30):
aren't happy with your own skin, let's try to figure out a way to make you happy in your own
skin. Right. Having a grown up conversation instead of, and I mean, that doesn't, I mean,
I don't want to seclude, like I don't want to isolate my mom, like that it could have,
having that conversation with either my mom or my dad, I think it would have had a huge impact on
me. And that's why I have those types of conversations with our boys in like educating
(33:54):
them on food, especially and like what good food is and what bad food is and not necessarily using
good and bad, but in terms of healthy and like a treat, essentially. So I don't want them to have
like a bad outlook on that, but I want them to understand how their body works, how they digest,
(34:16):
how their metabolism works, and what good foods feed the, you know, your muscles, your brain and
all of that, just so that they can have a healthy relationship and learn at a young age. And then
hopefully that kind of transpires into their adult life. Yeah, I think, I think
(34:37):
some of the baby talk or
non adult talk to our children is because we're so
so worried about offending them and killing their spirit, right? So like what you just said, if you,
if you, you know, the problem, whether it's, it's a weight issue, you know, there's more, there's more
(34:59):
of you to love. I understand that that's coming from a loving place. Yes. But not really tackling the
issue. Right. Yeah. You know, and I think it's, you know, you're not trying to diminish your kids'
feelings. You're not trying to, you know, sugarcoat stuff, but those kind of things, there's more of
(35:22):
you to love has probably been said for generations. Yeah. And it's just something that somebody's
parents said to them or they've heard it before. So then they say it to their kid, it's just kind of
a safe thing to say. Instead of having an adult conversation, now I completely understand that
weight and, and self image and eating healthy and putting a meal plan together. That is
(35:45):
something that definitely needs to be handled carefully and, you know, with care and you're
not just going to push it off. Like, you know, I said something, you know, about Preston with
that bully at school, completely two different things, completely handled different ways.
Right. You know, your approach was very realistic and comparable and like sets them up for
(36:06):
a good outlook on how people, how to interact with people down the road. But I mean, when it comes to
nutrition, workout plans and self image, mental health, all of that, all of that, I feel like
needs to be handled differently. Like you said, but also in a way that they understand. Yeah. And
like for example, Preston came to me last night and he said, for some reason, for the last two weeks,
(36:34):
I have just been feeling so angry and so like rageful and I don't know what's going on. And I
had to have like, I just broke it down for him. Like, okay, well, it could be something else,
or it could be puberty. It could be testosterone. And then here are healthy ways to handle that.
(36:54):
Like you can go down in the basement and, you know, workout, go for a run. You got to channel
that other side. You can use the punching bag, you can do all of that. Or you could try to invest
that energy in something that uses the other side of your brain and like start building something,
putting together, do a puzzle. Or, you know, if you don't want to do any of that, you could try to
(37:18):
meditate or do yoga and try to calm it down that way. But and then I told him like, these are the
these are type the types of things that you're going to have for your entire life because of the
way that the male anatomy is compared to the way that the female anatomy is. So if it's bothering
you now, it might be heightened because of puberty, but also now is a great time for you to kind of
(37:43):
get a grasp to see what works for you. Right. Yeah. And I mean, it's just these,
I say small, but they're big conversations as far as probably what is going on in his head.
And he's a very, he has a very engineer kind of mindset where it's like, oh, okay, like he,
I can go into depth and like give him the actual like biology and like the makeup, you know,
(38:10):
no information, like it's never too much information for him. He loves it. He soaks it up.
He understands it. You identify it and then he can kind of break it down on how and why that works,
what you're saying, why it could work and how it could work for him. So through all these stories,
(38:30):
I know we kind of went off on a tangent there, but it's still showing that adult conversation,
right? Everything that we just said, even though we're not giving you, you know, bullet point,
bullet point, bullet point about why you should do this. We're kind of giving you life examples of
what we have done, what has happened to us on how it would be better or it was better to have an
(38:55):
adult conversation, an adult perspective on what that situation needed or how that situation needed
to be analyzed through an adult conversation. Yeah. Right? So just to recap, whatever you're
doing, I'm sure is working out. What we did and what we are doing is working for us. We talk to
(39:21):
our kids like adults. We have grown up conversations with them. And I mean, whether they're four years
old, whether they're 12 years old, we have grown up adult conversations with them.
Yeah. And it even goes to the point where, I mean, I just wanted to bring another point,
like when they do their wellness check or when they go to the doctors, I just sit there. I am
(39:47):
merely their chauffeur. I help Max and communicate, but Braden and Preston, they
are in charge of that. They communicate everything the doctor talks to him. And I've,
I had that one-on-one conversation with their doctor. Like, I think that it's very important
for them to be able to depict and to explain what is going on in their body. And
(40:09):
still a mom and dad just telling them, thinking exactly what we know is going on.
Exactly. I don't want to speak for them on their behalf because they are here and they have a voice
and I would like them to use it. And she agreed. And that's how we do those kinds of the doctor's
appointments because I think that that is something that I wasn't very competent with
when I was younger. And I think that that is very important, especially when it comes to,
(40:33):
you know, explaining what, like, even if you're sick or your mental health or just
describing anything that's going on in your body, you're your best advocate.
So to recap the main points, the way that we have raised and had conversations with our
(40:57):
children, we have seen that the kids can analyze situations a little bit better than their peers.
Another thing is, is that our kids understand what adults have to do on a daily basis
as far as grocery shopping, chores, pay bills, and have meetings and have to work.
(41:20):
And I also believe that because the way that we've raised them and talked to them,
they're a little bit more emotionally stable in difficult situations.
Yeah, they have a really good response. I think they handle things a little bit better.
I think they both have, or all three of them have their own ways of handling it,
(41:44):
but it's definitely a logical approach.
Right. Yeah. So that's it. That's it for this episode. We greatly appreciate everybody tuning in,
listening, downloading the episode. Once again, we are on all the streaming platforms,
and you can find us on social media at Chasing Balance Podcast.
(42:05):
And we encourage you guys to reach out and share your stories, your input,
the way that you do things. Obviously, you know, we love getting any recommendations
tips, tricks, because we're in the same situation, same struggle boat.
Still learning. Still learning after 12 years, and we love any tips and tricks.
(42:29):
This is Chasing Balance. Real life parenting, one conversation at a time.
We'll see you guys later. Bye.
Hey everyone, I'm Matt. I'm Deanna and in today's episode we're talking about why we never use baby talk
(00:06):
and we always talk to our kids like equals. So in this episode
(00:36):
we're going to dive into the approach of never using baby talk with our children and discuss why
us talking to them like equals has helped them foster a stronger communication and better respect
and better understanding for the rules and expectations that we set for them. Yeah, I want to
(01:00):
first started off by saying once again this podcast is not expert advice. No, it's not. Not by any
means. And in addition to that, just because we stumbled upon this doesn't mean that you're doing
it the wrong way. Right. It's not a one size fits all. It's just something that worked for us and we
(01:23):
liked how it the end results was more going and we just kind of adapted it with all three of our
kids. Yeah. And why did we start talking to them like they were adults? We don't know. We didn't
plan it. We really didn't notice that we talked to our kids like adults until it was brought to our
(01:46):
attention by family and friends giving us compliments. They would compliment us on saying,
you know, I really like how you're raising your kids and how you talk to them like adults and you
don't talk to them like kids. Yeah. Because I never, you know, I just step back and take a second and
think, I guess we do do that. So either we stumbled upon something great and we set them up for
(02:09):
success or we stumbled upon something that is going to ruin their lives. I don't think it'll ruin
their life. So yeah, we did not plan on raising our kids this way. It just happens and we didn't
even realize that we were doing it until we were complimented on it. So at least one person out
there thinks we're doing it right. I don't even know who that person is. I'll take it. So, you
(02:37):
know, baby talk is, is a powerful way to get a child's attention because, you know, they hear that
voice. It's a higher pitched tone. But what I was reading online once I wanted to do this topic is
that there is no function in that language that's being used besides getting their attention. Kind
(03:00):
of like a dog. Yeah, exactly. So, and I would say, and as funny as it is, I would say that I baby
talk the dog. Yeah. And I don't do it with, with my children. Now, even though baby talk will get
them to imitate you, you don't want them to imitate those wrong words, those wrong inflections, the
(03:22):
way that you're talking to them like a baby. You don't want them to repeat incorrect grammar in
silly words. Now, I understand, you know, the kids, they're going to be silly. But also when you're,
when you're teaching them how to speak, how to communicate, you want them to get the full
understanding, the full picture of that word, right? Yeah. And I remember when Preston first
(03:47):
started, he was like of the age to talk, and he just refused to talk. Refused. He relied heavily on
sign language. So we would just teach him more and more sign language. And then it got to the point
where the state like assisted us with speech. And they basically said no more sign language.
(04:10):
Yeah. Like he's using it as a crutch. And then it was, he had to make a sound like, oh, you want
milk? Yeah. Okay, say milk. And then, you know, he would throw these temper tantrums, because now
we're asking him to do something that he has never had to do. And it was, they said, no matter what,
if he makes a sound, even if it's like nowhere near it, then give it to him, because then he
(04:35):
needs to associate that sound. So for him, it went from inaccurate sounds, to then we need to kind of
wrap it up and reel it back into what it should. Yes. So our, our start of parenthood started out
(04:56):
that way in terms of like, we can't do baby talk. We can't do shortened versions because, you know,
he was three and he wasn't talking. They need to learn how to talk, how to communicate. And, you
know, and that's what the speech pathologist told us to like, you know, no more abbreviating
(05:18):
anything, you know, no more calling milk by a nickname or calling, you know, a bottle, like, you
know, a Baba. Yeah. No, no more doing that. You have to call it what it is. So, and a couple
examples of how we talk to our kids like adults, especially now that they're, you know, a little
(05:39):
bit older. And let me back up for a second. Now, when I say that we're talking to our kids like
adults, that means we are communicating to them. It doesn't mean that we're not letting them have
a childhood. Right. Yes. I mean, we're saying, Oh my God, I can't believe that, you know, you
believe in this or, you know, um, yeah, you know, we're not saying that you can't, you know, have
(06:03):
an imagination. You can't have imaginary friends or play imaginary or have that create, creativeness.
You know, we are just talking along the lines of communication. That's it. Yeah. And I mean,
with that being said, all three of our kids have amazing imaginations. They do. Even like our
oldest, he'll still do imaginary play with the two younger. And that's like 50% because that's
(06:28):
just, you know, how he is. He's very creative and then also forced because you have to play with
your brother. Yes. You need to play with your brothers right now because they're driving me
crazy. I need a break to get dinner ready. You know, okay. So back to what I was saying, um,
examples of how we talk to our kids like adults. So one is, and I think it's very important is
(06:52):
kind of cause and effect. Like, yeah, whether it's, they make a bad choice at school or
whether it's riding your bike without a helmet on or, you know, I think we're the only family that
really pushes that in our neighborhood. Yeah. I mean, in our neighborhood, you'll see kids
riding hoverboards, 20 miles an hour, no shirt on dirt bikes. It's just the wild, wild west out here.
(07:19):
So we try to show cause and effect. Um, we try not to have them be, we try to have them be cautious,
but not too cautious. Kind of, we still let them be kids, try new things, but we also want
their thinking to be, okay, if, if, if I do this, then this could possibly happen. For example,
(07:45):
you know, they're out there four, five, six kids in a trampoline. Yeah. And I gently remind them,
well, gently the first time remind them, Hey buddy, you have a soccer tournament this weekend.
If you get hurt, you're really going to let your team down. Yeah. You know,
um, not, you know, instead of saying, Oh, Hey buddy, just, you know, Hey buddy, calm down. Hey
(08:09):
buddy, calm down. You know, you explain it to them like, Hey, your team's counting on you.
Yeah. You have to have the forefront. You have to think longterm. You have to think like,
okay, are we getting too crazy? Could somebody potentially get hurt without planting that seed
of doubt? Right. Because you don't want them to limit their bodies and what they can do. And I
(08:31):
think that it's important for them to learn their own cause and effects. But if they're in a situation
that they aren't familiar with, or, you know, they just need that gentle reminder, giving it to them
in a way in which it doesn't plant that seed of doubt. I think that's kind of what we stem on.
And we're back and forth. Like, so, you know, jumping into a trampoline, five or six kids,
(08:55):
someone's going to step on your feet, you're going to bonk heads, something, and then you won't be
able to do a soccer tournament. So then we tell them to calm down, right? You got to, you got to
just be careful, right? Maybe kick two or three of those kids out and maybe have a limit. Yeah.
And then on the other way around, you know, if the kids to apprehensive with something like
our little list doesn't want to do the water side, we still encourage them to do it. So it's not like
(09:19):
we're just saying, don't do stuff. Don't do stuff. We are encouraging other things. And it's really
just showing them the cause and effect. Like if this happens, you know, this could be the result
of that same thing with the positive stuff. If you go down the water side, you're going to love it
and you're never going to want to stop doing it. So why don't you try it out? Right. And I think the
(09:40):
other side of things is the fact that if it's something that they're not comfortable with,
having that conversation with them, like, why aren't you comfortable with it? Why don't you want
to do it? Why don't you want to challenge yourself? And what's the worst thing that could happen?
Like what in you inside your head is stopping you because you think that this is the worst case
(10:00):
scenario. And is that worst case scenario really that bad to justify not trying it?
That leads to the second thing out here is examples of how we taught to our kids like adults.
You especially let the kids lead the discussion, whether it's something that happened at school
or they don't want to do something. You know, for example, with, you know, the sports when
(10:24):
they don't, you know, we sign them up for sports. They don't want to do it. Okay. Why don't you want
to do it? Whether they're right or wrong, we let them finish talking. Yeah. And I think a great
example of that is with Braden, our middle kid. He's been 100% soccer since today that he could
(10:45):
kick a ball. And with his soccer career, I would say at this point, he has evolved as a player.
And there is a local club that wanted him to try out essentially a higher club higher skilled
higher skill because at that point in time, he was just playing or I don't want to say just he was
(11:07):
playing at the rec level. Right. And the two the rec and the club kind of feed into each other.
Right. So the club asked him to come out and try out for the club team. So I thought that
it was a great idea. It was a great opportunity. He got there. He literally stepped on the fields,
(11:28):
looked around at all the people and he said no. Yeah. And I was like, Braden, you haven't even
tried. Right. Like you don't know these people. And he's like, I can tell you right now, it's a no,
this is not my vibe. And I was just like, okay, give it the day. If you still feel that way,
then, you know, we don't have to pursue this. And it got to the end and he was like, the answer
(11:51):
still no. Okay, you gave it a try. You stepped outside of your boundary. And I mean, granted,
I don't know what it was that really like gave him that vibe. And maybe he's more like me,
you know, like what we were talking about in our previous previous discussion was, you know,
you just get that feeling, you get that feeling because you know, he later, a few years later,
(12:16):
he transitioned over to a different rec team with a different club that feeds into it. And he gave
that a try and he's like, I love it. Yeah. So we let him lead a discussion. Yes. And we let him
make a choice. And we encouraged him to step outside of his boundary of comfort. Yep. So,
(12:37):
so far we have cause and effect. We teach our kids cause and effect. We talk to them about,
you know, if this happens, then this will be the outcome. We lead discussions. I'm sorry,
we let them lead discussions and we give our input on it, trying to encourage them into the way
that mostly what we want or what we think is best for them. And then the last thing, it's kind of
(12:57):
a small thing, but when, when they were growing up, we never gave anybody nicknames. Yes. You know,
our, our aunts, the, or I'm sorry, the kids, aunts and uncles, even their, their brother's names,
we never gave them nicknames because we wanted them to be able to say pronounce uncle, aunt,
(13:21):
you know, things, things of that nature, names like that, instead of relying on a, on a crutch
of just, you know, too small sounds put together. Yes. Yeah. That was a, that was a big one. Because
our family is so big and there's already like a full list of nicknames established. So I think
(13:43):
that was kind of like a thorn in a lot of my sibling side because they went from, you know,
like TT to aunt harmony. Right. Well, and I mean, it's cute. I understand it. It's cute. It's a nice,
you know, family tradition to have, but it was just something that we, that we did. And, and
(14:06):
another thing that I was researching online showed that during the first three years,
kids mean or learn the meaning of many words, signs and other forms of communication.
So once again, I know we think all their babies, you know, they don't, they don't know how to talk.
They don't really understand what anything it means. Maybe it might inflection
(14:28):
will make them pay more attention to me or learn something different. But the first three years,
they're sponges. Exactly. They just soak it all up. Yeah. And like you said,
infants and toddlers show their needs and wants. And if they don't know how to communicate, obviously
they do it through crying, through screaming, through hitting. And you kind of talked about
(14:52):
earlier about the sign language, all of our kids knew sign language. We talked to all of them in
sign language. Max knew our youngest knew the most sign language. And I think that he actually had
the worst speech skills out of all three of them because we taught him so much sign language.
(15:14):
And obviously his brothers would help him with everything too. Yeah. Everybody was at home when
he was a baby baby. And when he was developing, everybody was home. So it was all hands on
deck at all points in time. And that's, you know, they already had that prior knowledge.
So they would like dip into that and teach him. And you're right. He was probably the furthest
(15:38):
behind in speech. But now as he's evolved, he still, I mean, he still has his speech issues.
But he does an amazing job of... There's some things that he says that I'm just blown away by.
Like, oh my God, how do you understand that? How did you put that sentence together?
And he also does an amazing job of like, okay, mom is an understanding me. So I'm going to use
(16:02):
a different example. I'll go grab the thing that I'm talking about and explain it to her.
Exactly. And show it to her. Yeah. I mean, and it helps them develop. It helps them
communicate better with us. Yeah. Right? So once again, we're not saying that anybody else is out
there doing it wrong. This is what we have learned. This is what I'm seeing. So kids, so what we've
(16:24):
seen is that kids are sponges. The first three years of their lives, they do soak in everything
and they do try to communicate. Yeah. Whether it's crying, whether it's babble here and there,
whether it's screaming, even them doing sign language and then also on top of it, we don't
think about it. Them just coloring on a piece of paper with a crayon is a form of communication.
(16:47):
Yeah. Yes. So why not start them off on the right foot and use the right inflections or use the right
the correct way to speak to them, tell them the right words, show them the right words,
show them how things are pronounced correctly. So that's my little talk on that. Now,
(17:13):
the benefits of speaking of your kids like adults are communication skills. Like we just said,
how Max will, even though he might not be hitting the nail on the head every single time when he's
trying to tell us something, because the funny thing about Max is that so he's four years old,
he will try to have an adult conversation with us. He will. He prefers hanging out with the adults
(17:34):
more than he prefers hanging out with kids his age and that's why he loathes the idea of school.
So he, so he tries to have an adult conversation with us, which I think is because we have,
we have shown him that we are willing to talk to him like an adult. So he will have a conversation
with us like an adult. And though, even though we don't always understand some of the words that
(17:58):
he's putting together, he still has worked on those communication skills and can figure it out.
You know, he can, he can think of how he can tell us another way. Yes. While using his words at the
same time, kind of like how when he was learning to talk and we had the speech pathologist help us,
(18:19):
she said, you can do signs, but make sure that he is looking at your mouth and do the signs while
you're saying it. Don't just silently do your sign language. Yeah. Do like a little tap on your
mouth so that you can draw his attention. Yep. Also another way of us seeing the benefits of
us talking to our kids like adults, I do believe that they respect more boundaries than other kids
(18:42):
that I've seen. Yeah. They understand, you know, when it's, when it's, you know, mom and dad's
work time, you know, instead of saying, because as you may know, we work remote and instead of
us telling our, our, our young child, you know, hey, mama and data are busy. We're just busy
(19:05):
right now. We can't play right now. Mama and data are busy. Instead, hey buddy, I have to get on a
meeting real quick, but I'll be off in about 30 minutes and then I can talk to you. Yeah. You
know, and then I can take a break and play with you. Right. And it goes from kind of baby talk,
kind of dumbing it down for them and not really giving them an explanation of why
(19:27):
you can't give them attention right now and then explaining to them that you have a meeting or
what the reason is or that you have to work. And I really do think that that's worked wonders,
especially for Max because he was the first baby where we were first both remote and he
understands that now. Like if we're in a meeting, he, you know, he opens the door very quietly and
(19:49):
just goes over to the person that doesn't have a headset on. You know, very quietly whispers. Yeah.
Nine times out of 10, it's nothing of any importance, but it is very important to him.
Yeah. So they, so, so that being said, the kids also understand, I believe understand
more consequences and rules because of the whole how we teach them the cause and effect thing.
(20:12):
Yeah. I would agree with that. So they know that what we set expectations out for them,
this is how our family is. This is our family rules. This is how we look at life and how we
think that you should behave. Yeah. And these are the consequences. If you don't behave that way.
(20:33):
And I think they typically abide by those rules. For example, Preston. Yeah. He has always been a
great student. Our deal with him, and we've told him point blank, we treated it like an adult,
kind of like your manager would at work. If you don't mess up, I'm not bothering you.
Yeah. I'm not going to micromanage you. If you're putting in the work and your results are where
(20:58):
you want them to be and where we agree they should be, then yeah. And mind you, we're not demanding
straight A's out of our child. We're not demanding a hundred percent all the time out of our child.
I am. You are not. But in that conversation happens before like the school year even begins.
It's like, Hey, what are your goals for the school year? Okay, these are your goals.
(21:22):
Your like his goal was to get straight A's. 4.0. Yeah. 4.0. He wanted to be perfect.
So we're like, okay, that's your goal. And then every once in a while, we would check in on the
Google classroom. Yeah. And it's like, okay, buddy, you need to focus in on this. It looks like you
might be down here on this. It looks like your on point for these subjects. But that's very rare
(21:47):
and far between. I think we did that at the beginning of the school year, but now he's gotten
a grasp on what is expected, how to maintain it and what those steps are. If he's not doing well,
like, Oh, okay, I got to be on this test. Now I can ask my teacher if there's any extra credit
assignments that she has, but I could kind of, you know, do in order to bring that grade up.
(22:12):
So it doesn't have a big impact on my grade. Yeah. So you asked him what his goal was this
year. He says, I want to get a 4.0. I want to get straight A's. Okay, no problem, buddy.
We will help you do that. And the first semester came and it went and he did, he did pretty good.
He started falling off in math. Yeah. But falling off, it was like an A minus. No, he was around
(22:35):
the B range, which is not bad. I'm not saying that's bad, but he wanted to get straight A's.
That was his goal. So I made sure we made sure that we reached out to his teacher. Do you have
extra credit? How can he study for a test? How can he get, you know, extra practice on this?
And now he has straight A's again. Yeah. And now when he comes home, he does his homework.
(22:58):
Like we don't remind him. He does his homework when he needs to do it. Yeah. That being said,
and I've reminded him, you know, buddy, if you're not doing your homework, you understand that it
comes back on us as a responsibility, right? Yeah. He says, yes. So we give him that, that leeway
as long as you are doing everything you can to get the grades that you want. Yeah. We're good.
(23:23):
And I mean, we even made that correlation with the chores. Like I know that we've talked about
on previous episodes, we've talked about that chorebot thing app that we use. And this past
week, he only flagged that he did like 11 of his chores. And I said, well, you only did 11 of it.
So I'm only going to give you a percentage of what I should give you on a weekly basis. No,
(23:48):
let's back up. Yeah. 11 chores, meaning that he has three to four set chores per day to do. It's
not like he's got like to clean the attic, clean the garage. He has to, you know, dishes, wipe the
table down after dinner and charge his phone, charge his phone. So that's a real hard one.
And then the other one is empty his laundry basket so that we can do the laundry.
(24:11):
So it's not slave labor or anything. So it's all respectable age appropriate.
We're not demanding the stars and the moon from him. So we have this chorebot app. Yeah.
It's hanging on the wall in our kitchen on a, on a smart display. Yeah. And they are responsible
to do their chores. Yeah. And check them off. Once they're done, they get to check them off
(24:35):
because it doesn't count unless you check it off. Right. So his argument was, Mom, I already,
I did all of those. I did all of my chores. I just forgot to check it off. And I said,
okay, well, if you did your homework and you forgot to turn it in, do you get credit for that?
Or does your teacher say no? Yeah. And he's like, Oh, come on. And I know it sounds like we're
(24:57):
being assholes, but we're teaching them to be responsible for themselves. We're not yelling
at them. We're not scolding them. Right? We're saying, Hey, if you did all this work, do that
last final step. Right. You got to complete it. It only impacts you. It doesn't impact us. Yeah.
Like this is how these are ways for you to be successful. Here are your tools. And then go,
(25:22):
and then going back to school for, for the other kiddo, Braden, his big thing right now is he wants
to get, you know, do really well on spelling tests. And he has a spelling test every week. And
it's always the same thing starts off strong. Then when it gets to the end, he's got two or three
words that he's really if he on. And we say, Hey, go write those three times, you know, spell them
(25:43):
in your head, say them out loud, all that stuff. Make a song, make a jingle. And there's always the
breakdown on Thursday nights. And we have the conversation. It's not a baby conversation. It's
not a, Oh buddy, I know, I know that it sucks. You know, it's Braden, how awesome did you feel
last week when you got a hundred percent on your spelling test? Yeah. So you can either
(26:08):
sit here and, you know, be upset about it, or you can just go study these three words for 15
minutes and be very proud of yourself tomorrow after you're done with your, exactly, you know,
you know, and it's, we just cause and effect again. If you do this, this is more than likely
the outcome. Yeah. And I mean, on that note, just like a little side story that is really funny.
(26:31):
When he first started doing his spelling test at the beginning of the year, he would get like four
out of 10. He didn't put in effort at all. He didn't study at all. And that was the result. It was
four out of 10. And then the first week he really asked me, he's like, okay, I need help. So we
developed a plan. We made, we made cards. We practiced those words. He was on point. He, he did,
(26:56):
he spelled all of his words correctly on his test. And then his teacher marked him down because he
capitalized for letters at the beginning. So he ended up getting a four out of 10. But really,
he got a 10 out of 10 for spelling and he came home and he was like, this is bullshit.
And I was just like, I completely agree with you. So that's, so,
(27:23):
so, so before I get into that, let me, let me say the practical tips for speaking to your
children like grownups, like how you can do it. So you, you, you're supposed to narrate your life
to them, kind of talk to them like a story, make it interesting, but don't baby talk, don't use
(27:44):
some crazy inflections on something to gain more attention, speak slowly so they can understand
it. Cause obviously they don't always understand larger concepts like that sometimes pause and
let them react. Okay. Use real words, obviously no made up words, which is kind of self-explanatory.
(28:06):
So you need to, and I'm talking anywhere from baby to toddler, face them when you're talking
so they can see your facial expressions, your lips and exaggerate your facial expressions
and your voice as far as if you're telling something dramatic or if you're telling something
(28:26):
sad, show emotion, show emotion. Yeah. All right. But that doesn't mean that you cut off
then's words, rhyming words together just to make them to, to get more intrigued by it. You want
them to be able to understand the proper way to speak and to learn, to learn how to speak.
(28:47):
Now I want to go back to, and this is off topic. I didn't have this written down or anything.
I'm going to go and tell you guys the negative things about talking like an adult
to your kids. Oh, okay. So obviously if there's an issue with somebody at school or one of their
(29:08):
friends, you know, I will let them know, you know, that kid, that kid sounds like a bully,
that kid sounds like an asshole, and I don't think that you should be hanging around them,
or if there's even a bigger issue, you let me know. Right. And I will talk to the teacher.
Yeah. You know, I've said that multiple times with Preston, he's like, I don't want you involved
(29:34):
because you go too hard. Same thing with, with, you know, even school work. So when Preston was
having that a little bit lower grade than what he wanted for math, I told him, Hey, your teacher is
doing tutoring sessions after school. And he got in the car very upset. And he said, I don't want
to do it. And so I kind of drilled him and asked him why, and it come to find out that kids in
(29:59):
the hallway while passing were making fun of kids that stay after school to get tutoring.
And I'm like, and I point blank told him, I was like, this kid has nothing to do, whoever you heard
or whoever is down talking you has nothing to do with your future has nothing to do with your school
(30:20):
work has nothing to do with your football career has nothing to do with you has no impact on your
life. So why do you care what they think? Right? Exactly. If someone, and I told him, I said,
if someone does not affect my money, my family or my health, I don't give a shit what they think.
If it's negative, if it's negative, yeah, right. Yeah. And I've tried to tell him that and obviously,
(30:45):
you know, sometimes that backfires because my adult talking and my attitude gets portrayed.
I shouldn't say attitude. My outlook gets portrayed on them. And then they sometimes relay
that to their friends, right? Yeah. And can possibly get me in trouble or him in trouble. You know,
(31:07):
it's a few and far between. And I guess I would rather be open and honest with my kid, talk to
him like an adult, you know, say things that my parents didn't say to me. Yeah. And not because
that my parents didn't communicate with me because I didn't communicate with my parents.
And I really feel that us talking to them like adults opens up that door just wide open
(31:31):
for press and especially while he's dealing with these difficult times and hard times in
middle school and then, you know, middle school is so hard to begin with. And then in high school,
yeah, it's a whole different bag. We have that door open where he can come to us. He can come to
us. He can talk to like into adult if he's really angry. He can swear if he's angry about that
situation. He can express his emotions to us. Yeah. If it's actually, you know, heartfelt,
(31:56):
not just fooling around with his friends, swearing all the time. That's not allowed.
That's not. But if he is very passionate about something, he is allowed to come to us and I
am passionately going to respond to him and tell him what I think. Yeah. If I was given that advice
when I was a kid, like, oh, this person is picking on you. Does he have anything to do with your
(32:20):
grades? Does he have anything to do with your home life? Does he have anything to do with your
sports? Is are you going to know him in two to three years? Yeah. I mean, and for an example,
in like my life, when I was growing up, I was, I was pretty chunky. I was a, I was a fuller girl
and I got made fun of for that a lot. And the comfort that I received and obviously like as
(32:45):
a parent, you don't really want your kid to experience that and like be bullied or, or
anything like that. But my mom just simply told me like, oh, well, there's more, there's more
for God to love. It's great, but that doesn't help me. So I mean, and I think that that's part
(33:08):
of the reason why. Do you think you would have been, been, I guess, healthier earlier, mentally
and physically, if she had that conversation with you and kind of said, well, you know,
you're getting bullied about this and she tried to kind of like fix it and tell you like, okay,
well, let's, let's make a meal plan. I think you're perfect the way you are. But if you
(33:30):
aren't happy with your own skin, let's try to figure out a way to make you happy in your own
skin. Right. Having a grown up conversation instead of, and I mean, that doesn't, I mean,
I don't want to seclude, like I don't want to isolate my mom, like that it could have,
having that conversation with either my mom or my dad, I think it would have had a huge impact on
me. And that's why I have those types of conversations with our boys in like educating
(33:54):
them on food, especially and like what good food is and what bad food is and not necessarily using
good and bad, but in terms of healthy and like a treat, essentially. So I don't want them to have
like a bad outlook on that, but I want them to understand how their body works, how they digest,
(34:16):
how their metabolism works, and what good foods feed the, you know, your muscles, your brain and
all of that, just so that they can have a healthy relationship and learn at a young age. And then
hopefully that kind of transpires into their adult life. Yeah, I think, I think
(34:37):
some of the baby talk or
non adult talk to our children is because we're so
so worried about offending them and killing their spirit, right? So like what you just said, if you,
if you, you know, the problem, whether it's, it's a weight issue, you know, there's more, there's more
(34:59):
of you to love. I understand that that's coming from a loving place. Yes. But not really tackling the
issue. Right. Yeah. You know, and I think it's, you know, you're not trying to diminish your kids'
feelings. You're not trying to, you know, sugarcoat stuff, but those kind of things, there's more of
(35:22):
you to love has probably been said for generations. Yeah. And it's just something that somebody's
parents said to them or they've heard it before. So then they say it to their kid, it's just kind of
a safe thing to say. Instead of having an adult conversation, now I completely understand that
weight and, and self image and eating healthy and putting a meal plan together. That is
(35:45):
something that definitely needs to be handled carefully and, you know, with care and you're
not just going to push it off. Like, you know, I said something, you know, about Preston with
that bully at school, completely two different things, completely handled different ways.
Right. You know, your approach was very realistic and comparable and like sets them up for
(36:06):
a good outlook on how people, how to interact with people down the road. But I mean, when it comes to
nutrition, workout plans and self image, mental health, all of that, all of that, I feel like
needs to be handled differently. Like you said, but also in a way that they understand. Yeah. And
like for example, Preston came to me last night and he said, for some reason, for the last two weeks,
(36:34):
I have just been feeling so angry and so like rageful and I don't know what's going on. And I
had to have like, I just broke it down for him. Like, okay, well, it could be something else,
or it could be puberty. It could be testosterone. And then here are healthy ways to handle that.
(36:54):
Like you can go down in the basement and, you know, workout, go for a run. You got to channel
that other side. You can use the punching bag, you can do all of that. Or you could try to invest
that energy in something that uses the other side of your brain and like start building something,
putting together, do a puzzle. Or, you know, if you don't want to do any of that, you could try to
(37:18):
meditate or do yoga and try to calm it down that way. But and then I told him like, these are the
these are type the types of things that you're going to have for your entire life because of the
way that the male anatomy is compared to the way that the female anatomy is. So if it's bothering
you now, it might be heightened because of puberty, but also now is a great time for you to kind of
(37:43):
get a grasp to see what works for you. Right. Yeah. And I mean, it's just these,
I say small, but they're big conversations as far as probably what is going on in his head.
And he's a very, he has a very engineer kind of mindset where it's like, oh, okay, like he,
I can go into depth and like give him the actual like biology and like the makeup, you know,
(38:10):
no information, like it's never too much information for him. He loves it. He soaks it up.
He understands it. You identify it and then he can kind of break it down on how and why that works,
what you're saying, why it could work and how it could work for him. So through all these stories,
(38:30):
I know we kind of went off on a tangent there, but it's still showing that adult conversation,
right? Everything that we just said, even though we're not giving you, you know, bullet point,
bullet point, bullet point about why you should do this. We're kind of giving you life examples of
what we have done, what has happened to us on how it would be better or it was better to have an
(38:55):
adult conversation, an adult perspective on what that situation needed or how that situation needed
to be analyzed through an adult conversation. Yeah. Right? So just to recap, whatever you're
doing, I'm sure is working out. What we did and what we are doing is working for us. We talk to
(39:21):
our kids like adults. We have grown up conversations with them. And I mean, whether they're four years
old, whether they're 12 years old, we have grown up adult conversations with them.
Yeah. And it even goes to the point where, I mean, I just wanted to bring another point,
like when they do their wellness check or when they go to the doctors, I just sit there. I am
(39:47):
merely their chauffeur. I help Max and communicate, but Braden and Preston, they
are in charge of that. They communicate everything the doctor talks to him. And I've,
I had that one-on-one conversation with their doctor. Like, I think that it's very important
for them to be able to depict and to explain what is going on in their body. And
(40:09):
still a mom and dad just telling them, thinking exactly what we know is going on.
Exactly. I don't want to speak for them on their behalf because they are here and they have a voice
and I would like them to use it. And she agreed. And that's how we do those kinds of the doctor's
appointments because I think that that is something that I wasn't very competent with
when I was younger. And I think that that is very important, especially when it comes to,
(40:33):
you know, explaining what, like, even if you're sick or your mental health or just
describing anything that's going on in your body, you're your best advocate.
So to recap the main points, the way that we have raised and had conversations with our
(40:57):
children, we have seen that the kids can analyze situations a little bit better than their peers.
Another thing is, is that our kids understand what adults have to do on a daily basis
as far as grocery shopping, chores, pay bills, and have meetings and have to work.
(41:20):
And I also believe that because the way that we've raised them and talked to them,
they're a little bit more emotionally stable in difficult situations.
Yeah, they have a really good response. I think they handle things a little bit better.
I think they both have, or all three of them have their own ways of handling it,
(41:44):
but it's definitely a logical approach.
Right. Yeah. So that's it. That's it for this episode. We greatly appreciate everybody tuning in,
listening, downloading the episode. Once again, we are on all the streaming platforms,
and you can find us on social media at Chasing Balance Podcast.
(42:05):
And we encourage you guys to reach out and share your stories, your input,
the way that you do things. Obviously, you know, we love getting any recommendations
tips, tricks, because we're in the same situation, same struggle boat.
Still learning. Still learning after 12 years, and we love any tips and tricks.
(42:29):
This is Chasing Balance. Real life parenting, one conversation at a time.
We'll see you guys later. Bye.
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