November 5, 2025 • 22 mins
Your student is coming home for break! You’re excited and maybe even a little nervous. In this episode, Vicki and Lynn help you think about what to expect, how to prepare for your student’s return and survival strategies for the whole family.
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (01:10):
Welcome to the College Parent Central Podcast.
Whether your child is justbeginning the college admission
process or is already incollege, this podcast is for
you.
You'll find food for thought andinformation about college and
about navigating that delicatebalance of guidance,
involvement, and knowing when toget out of the way.
(01:32):
Join your hosts, Vicki Nelsonand Lynn Abrahams, as they share
support and a celebration of theamazing experience of having a
child in college.
SPEAKER_01 (01:48):
Hi, welcome to the College Parent Central Podcast.
I'm Vicki Nelson, and I am aprofessor of communication and
former director of academicadvising.
And I have three girls who haveall graduated from college.
SPEAKER_02 (02:04):
And my name's Lynn Abrahams.
I work with college students whohave learning differences.
And I have two sons.
One made it through college, andthe second one has taken a
little break, and we'll probablybe back.
SPEAKER_01 (02:20):
And we're here to talk about the ups and downs and
ins and outs of being a collegeparent.
So this time we thought we'dtalk a little bit about what
happens when it becomes time foryour student to come home for
break.
We're all excited because ourstudents are coming home.
(02:40):
Perhaps they've been home for aweekend before, or maybe not at
all, if they're a little furtheraway.
But a break is different from aweekend.
So we're excited, maybe a littlenervous about what to expect,
and we can't wait to catch upand have quality time.
Perhaps we have planned theirfavorite meals and cleaned the
(03:05):
house.
I know I was remembering when Iused to come home from college,
and that was a while ago, but mymother always had fresh
brownies, chocolate chips ontop, every time for that first
night when I got home fromcollege.
So I know that she was preparingand planning and thinking and
cleaning and excited aboutrefilling that empty nest.
(03:31):
And it's all it's all wonderful,but it's important that we
recognize that we haveexpectations and if and that we
may not be exactly sure howthings are going to go.
SPEAKER_02 (03:46):
So you know, a lot of my students I see are um
really anticipating going home.
They're looking forward toseeing their pets and sleeping
in their beds.
Um parents come on that listsomewhere along the line after
pets and beds and food.
But um but they're excited aboutit.
(04:07):
Um and I even remember, youknow, when when my first son
came home for his firstvacation, um, you know, I was a
little nervous about it.
You know, I I wanted it all togo well.
Um and I have to say I doremember him coming home and
sleeping for about three days.
And I was um at first I thoughthe was sick.
But I, you know, I think thatwhen when kids get home, they're
(04:32):
um, you know, they get to letdown a little bit.
And um the college schedule is alittle, you know, it's intense
living in a dorm.
And so I do remember him cominghome and just sort of, you know,
relaxing.
Um peace and quiet of home.
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (04:50):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (04:50):
Absolutely.
Um and I also remember thinkingthat the son that came home was
different than the one who left.
SPEAKER_01 (05:03):
Even just a few weeks are enough to make a
difference.
SPEAKER_02 (05:06):
Um and I see that with my students too.
They come back and um, you know,they want to be acknowledged.
They they want their parents toacknowledge the fact that
they've been living away, youknow, and that they are
different.
SPEAKER_01 (05:19):
Yes.
Yeah.
Um it's it's and and it requiresadjustments on everyone's part.
It's it's awkward a little bitat the beginning.
SPEAKER_02 (05:27):
Yep.
Yeah.
Um and I think that um thatthings have changed in our own
home too.
You know, when st when our kidsleave, it sort of impacts the
family dynamics a little bit.
And so um, you know, thosechanges have happened and then
they kind of reverse a littlebit when when kids get home.
SPEAKER_01 (05:48):
So a little jockeying for place, perhaps if
there are siblings, you know,that the the that second child
has now become the older childor an only.
I there was with my threedaughters, there was one year
when the older two were bothaway at college, and now the the
baby of the family was suddenlyan only child.
(06:10):
And I'm I'm not sure she lovedall of the attention she
suddenly was getting, but it butit definitely had changed.
And so when they came home, theywere coming into a different
family in a way.
Um and and they're coming homeafter having been really
completely independent atschool, and they've become
(06:33):
accustomed to that.
They're they're used to theirown routine, they're used to
going to sleep when they wantand waking up at all hours, uh
coming and going as they wantto, and so suddenly they have to
re-enter the family, and andthose those family routines that
(06:53):
seem so automatic beforesuddenly may feel restrictive.
And and as parents and family athome, we have to be ready for
some disruption.
That they're that that thestudent's schedule is not always
our schedule when they're up attwo in the morning doing their
laundry because that's theirprime time of day, or we hear
(07:16):
the refrigerator down in thekitchen.
Uh it it it's a it's a lotdifferent than the routine that
we had before.
SPEAKER_02 (07:22):
Or sleeping during the day.
Sleeping for three days.
Right.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (07:28):
Um and and and remembering that that may make
the student feel a little bit asthough they don't fit in
anymore.
Um it wasn't that long ago thatwe were working at surviving
that that in-between summerbetween high school and college,
and and that student who didn'tbelong to high school anymore
(07:49):
and didn't belong to college anddidn't quite know where they fit
in, and now they're coming backto their family, and certainly
they fit in, but it feelsdifferent.
It doesn't fit quite the sameway.
And so, you know, am I a childagain?
Am I an adult?
Do I revert?
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (08:08):
One foot in two worlds.
SPEAKER_01 (08:10):
Yes, yes, definitely.
And so often they're they'redoing that at a time that's a
holiday time, Thanksgiving,Christmas, and holidays are
stressful for everyone anyway.
Right.
So so there's a lot going on,and and the more that we can
anticipate before they even stepthrough the door, um, that
(08:31):
that's that's going to be anunusual time.
Right.
Yeah.
Uh but there are a few things wecan do to prepare, perhaps, that
um that might help.
And and the first thing is whatwe've just talked about, that
recognizing that this may be anawkward time, because if we're
not prepared for that, then itit's suddenly in our face that
(08:53):
wait a minute, why are thingsfeeling uncomfortable?
Um and even before they comehome, maybe we want to check in
and see if there's anything weshould be prepared for.
Um purple hair or new piercingsor tattoos.
Yes, those, you know, I'm eight,I'm 18, I'm on my own now, and
(09:16):
and and somehow a tattoo seemsto often be one way to do that.
Or um the beard.
Um, I know I, you know, I havesome some freshmen who um are
looking um pretty bushy beforeThanksgiving.
Um, but then they come backafter Thanksgiving looking a
little more trim.
So I think maybe someconversations have happened at
(09:39):
home or have they shaved theirhead or whatever, but maybe just
asking so that you're nottotally taken by surprise when
they walk in the door.
SPEAKER_02 (09:47):
Um and that said, it's probably good to remind
your student if you've made anybig changes.
Yes, you know.
I do remember a student uh who Iworked with went home during
vacation and um and theirparents had um changed their
room and let the younger sistergo into their room.
(10:10):
And it it was um and it wasupsetting for the student
because she didn't reallyprepare for that, you know.
SPEAKER_01 (10:18):
Or has it become the craft room or the home office?
SPEAKER_02 (10:22):
Right, right.
So any big changes, you know,students want to know.
Yeah, they know they want toknow what they're walking into,
you know, as well.
Um and then I think it'sprobably good to have some
conversations with your studentsabout what's what you're
planning or what's happening.
Like, you know, are theredoctor's appointments or dentist
appointments?
(10:42):
Are there, you know, things thatare already um sort of carved in
that that are going to happenduring the vacation, during the
you know, the time at home.
Um and it's also good to remindstudents if they have
appointments, you know, umremind them that they could be
the ones calling to make thoseappointments.
(11:03):
I mean, we tend to to do thatfor our kids.
I know that I do that, I dothat.
Um but um but it's good to thinkabout, you know, gee, you know,
encouraging our students to dosomething like that on their
own.
SPEAKER_01 (11:16):
And that gives them the opportunity to do that and
to feel independent, but it alsomeans that whenever they
schedule it, then they know thatand they can plan around it.
And and they're not going to getannoyed because you scheduled an
appointment for them at thedentist at a time when they
wanted to meet their friends.
They they own the whole process.
SPEAKER_02 (11:36):
Right.
Yeah.
Right.
And that and that probablyincludes like dinners together,
you know, having a conversationabout what you expect and what
they expect.
You know, if there are certainnights that you really want them
to be there for dinner andcertain nights that that are
okay if they go off, or certainfamily obligations.
(11:57):
I mean, it's just sort of goodto outline that beforehand so
that there are no surprises.
SPEAKER_01 (12:01):
And and so that they can feel that they're not being
asked to be to show up all thetime, that that there's some
compromises around, yes, I know,because they're going to want to
catch up with all of theirfriends.
Right.
And and you have some time forthat, but this dinner is a must,
or this event is happening, andand we'll compromise around that
(12:25):
makes makes everybody feel alittle better.
And and for some of these theseuh conversations, just really
saying at the beginning ofbreak, perhaps let's sit down
and just take a few minutes andthink and think about what we
need to uh negotiate over overbreak.
SPEAKER_02 (12:46):
Right, like who's get the who gets the car and who
you know, if there are anychores that they were doing
before they left, whetherthey're supposed expected to
jump back in and do them.
SPEAKER_01 (12:56):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (12:56):
Um, taking out the trash and stuff like that.
SPEAKER_01 (12:59):
Carpooling the younger sister to her games or
whatever might be going on.
Yeah.
And curfew.
SPEAKER_02 (13:09):
Oh yes, there's that.
Because, you know, our I mean,you know, students are don't
have a curfew when they're incollege.
No, they don't.
You know, we have a room now atwhere, you know, where we work
where they can study 24 hours aday.
I mean, they're, you know.
So the idea that they have to besomewhere at a certain time is,
(13:32):
you know, might be something totalk about.
SPEAKER_01 (13:34):
And and it's something to negotiate because
they they do have to, at leastto a certain extent, step back
into the family.
And so when they're away atcollege, I'm not aware of when
they're coming and going.
Right.
But but when they're back livingunder my roof, I'm aware when I
hear the door at two in themorning or I notice that the the
(13:58):
hall light is still on, whichmeans they haven't come home.
We with our girls, because wecouldn't, it didn't feel right
for us to tell them you must bein by a certain time because
they had been on their own.
But I needed peace of mind ofknowing they were home safe.
So we we left a hall light on,and when you come home, turn the
(14:19):
hall light off.
And and we we sort of negotiatedif that hall light's still on by
the middle of the night, I'mgonna text you and say, Are you
okay?
Uh and so that worked for us.
It was comfortable.
And different things work fordifferent families, but it
depends on uh on the family.
But if you haven't had aconversation about it
beforehand, um then it's it it'sa little tougher.
(14:43):
And I think it makes adifference to students if they
feel they've been involved inthe discussion, right?
Rather than being dictated to,you know, you must be in or I
don't care.
But let's let's talk about howhow it's going to work.
And there's a certain respect oftheir adult status when when you
(15:04):
sit down and have thoseconversations.
And whether it's the curfew orthe car or the chores or or
family meals or whatever, let'slet's talk about it and make
some decisions together.
SPEAKER_02 (15:18):
Right.
It you know, it's hard topredict what it's gonna be like,
you know, when they've been awayand then they come home.
But um, but you're you know,you're right.
Having having conversationsabout it is the only way to go.
And just be honest about whatyou what you want.
Um and um and also, you know,just show I you know, I remember
(15:40):
m my son feeling like he, youknow, he wanted to be
acknowledged for the growth thathe's you know, he he's lived
alone, you know, and it's it's abig deal.
And it's you know, usually thefirst time, you know, kids have
lived away from home.
You know, I I remember um, youknow, my son talking about how
this was different than going tocamp.
(16:01):
You know, he went to camp in thein the summer, but he remembered
when there was all of a sudden atime where it was past the time
that he would have stayed atcamp.
You know, all of a sudden it waslike this is different.
Um and so it's the first time,you know, having that
experience, living living alone.
SPEAKER_01 (16:19):
And even camp is usually fairly structured.
Right.
And and so being college is not,yeah, right.
It it's a very differentexperience.
And I think all that said, it'simportant though that we
continue to be the parent.
And and and that really for meinvolved knowing what my limits
(16:42):
were, uh, knowing what thingswere not open to negotiation.
And and and sometimes that thatwas as simple as reminding my
student that I still have to getup in the morning and go to
work.
And so it's fine that you don'twant to go to bed until two or
(17:04):
three in the morning, but y youcan't have all your your friends
here making a lot of noisebecause I still have to get up
at six in the morning and go towork.
SPEAKER_02 (17:12):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (17:13):
So there were a couple of things that that I I
needed to say, no, this is thisis still the way it's going to
be, and then other things we cannegotiate and then and working
on how we are how we're gonnawork it out and and what are the
what are limits in in that way.
SPEAKER_02 (17:30):
You know, I think it's also interesting that
different vacations as you gothrough the first year, second
year, third year of college, youknow, it starts to shift a
little bit.
And at some point, you know,your kids are gonna start to
refer to where they live, youknow, in college as their home.
Oh.
And you know, that could hurt alittle at first.
(17:53):
It did.
I remember that is not yourhome.
Yeah.
So so the this it's a processthat that you know goes on.
SPEAKER_01 (18:03):
So so being prepared for the experience, we've, you
know, you anticipate, you thinkabout getting ready, you
prepare, you maybe m have aconversation and you negotiate,
but then there's still that uhshaking up the empty nest again
and and and having them comeback.
SPEAKER_02 (18:23):
Yep.
I think the one, you know, onelast thing I would say it is
that I think it's important toum really look for the positive
changes in our kids and um letthem know that we see it.
Yeah.
You know, that we do see thatthere's been changes, you know,
there and some positive, somegood things um that come from
(18:47):
growing up and growing away.
SPEAKER_01 (18:49):
Yeah, yeah.
And and staying flexible and andnot trying to predict what's
going to happen, just sort ofbeing willing to go with the
flow and give them give themspace and hold them close at at
the same time.
Um I know another thing for mein terms of that staying
(19:12):
flexible.
In my anticipation of the break,I always thought this is going
to be when I'm going to hear allabout their life at school.
Um they're going to come homeand I'm going to hear about
their friends, and I'm going tohear what they're doing and what
they're involved in, and I'mgoing to hear how their classes
are going.
And they came home and reallydidn't want to talk about that
(19:32):
at all.
And that that was a surprise forme.
And at first I I think I was alittle worried, you know, why
why don't you want to tell meabout school?
What's going on there that youdon't want to share with me?
But the more I began to thinkabout it, I that's their world.
And I I I think to a certainextent they they may want to
(19:56):
keep that world as theirs.
And the other thing that's goingon is their day-to-day life
doesn't necessarily seemnoteworthy.
I want to hear all about it.
And they say, well, there'snothing to tell.
It's it's just normal, it's justaverage.
So um yeah, I mean, you you canask some questions and maybe you
(20:18):
get some information, but uhrecognizing that they may just
not want to talk about it.
SPEAKER_02 (20:26):
Right.
And every, you know, every kidis different.
And, you know, some may need tokeep the two worlds separate,
and some may wanna, you know,bridge the gap a little bit
more.
SPEAKER_01 (20:41):
And and some students and parents have been
communicating a lot in between,too.
So there is to be that may makea difference as well.
Right.
So so it's a wonderfulexperience having students home
for break, I think.
SPEAKER_02 (20:57):
Sometimes it's wonderful when they go back to,
I have to say.
SPEAKER_01 (21:00):
It's okay for you both to be ready for break to be
over at the at the end.
And you've you've taken sometime and and you've gotten to
know each other over again, andyou you everybody's rested a
little bit more and and had somegood times, and and now you're
ready to go back and have thenest be quiet again.
(21:22):
Again, right.
Um so breaks coming up, andhopefully everyone will have a
good one with a little bit ofanticipation and preparation and
um everybody going with theflow, but it's a good time.
All right.
So thanks for joining us todayat the College Parent Central
(21:45):
podcast.
And as always, we hope thatwe've given you some things to
think about, some tips thatmaybe can help you on that
roller coaster ride that iscollege parenting.
Um, and if you're finding someof this information helpful, uh
tell your friends and subscribeto the podcast and check out
(22:07):
College Parentcentral.com tofind more articles on all kinds
of topics and useful informationthat we hope will help you as
you're going through thisjourney.
SPEAKER_02 (22:20):
And so until next time.
And remember to enjoy the ride.
See you later.
Bye.
Welcome to the College Parent Central Podcast.
Whether your child is justbeginning the college admission
process or is already incollege, this podcast is for
you.
You'll find food for thought andinformation about college and
about navigating that delicatebalance of guidance,
involvement, and knowing when toget out of the way.
(01:32):
Join your hosts, Vicki Nelsonand Lynn Abrahams, as they share
support and a celebration of theamazing experience of having a
child in college.
SPEAKER_01 (01:48):
Hi, welcome to the College Parent Central Podcast.
I'm Vicki Nelson, and I am aprofessor of communication and
former director of academicadvising.
And I have three girls who haveall graduated from college.
SPEAKER_02 (02:04):
And my name's Lynn Abrahams.
I work with college students whohave learning differences.
And I have two sons.
One made it through college, andthe second one has taken a
little break, and we'll probablybe back.
SPEAKER_01 (02:20):
And we're here to talk about the ups and downs and
ins and outs of being a collegeparent.
So this time we thought we'dtalk a little bit about what
happens when it becomes time foryour student to come home for
break.
We're all excited because ourstudents are coming home.
(02:40):
Perhaps they've been home for aweekend before, or maybe not at
all, if they're a little furtheraway.
But a break is different from aweekend.
So we're excited, maybe a littlenervous about what to expect,
and we can't wait to catch upand have quality time.
Perhaps we have planned theirfavorite meals and cleaned the
(03:05):
house.
I know I was remembering when Iused to come home from college,
and that was a while ago, but mymother always had fresh
brownies, chocolate chips ontop, every time for that first
night when I got home fromcollege.
So I know that she was preparingand planning and thinking and
cleaning and excited aboutrefilling that empty nest.
(03:31):
And it's all it's all wonderful,but it's important that we
recognize that we haveexpectations and if and that we
may not be exactly sure howthings are going to go.
SPEAKER_02 (03:46):
So you know, a lot of my students I see are um
really anticipating going home.
They're looking forward toseeing their pets and sleeping
in their beds.
Um parents come on that listsomewhere along the line after
pets and beds and food.
But um but they're excited aboutit.
(04:07):
Um and I even remember, youknow, when when my first son
came home for his firstvacation, um, you know, I was a
little nervous about it.
You know, I I wanted it all togo well.
Um and I have to say I doremember him coming home and
sleeping for about three days.
And I was um at first I thoughthe was sick.
But I, you know, I think thatwhen when kids get home, they're
(04:32):
um, you know, they get to letdown a little bit.
And um the college schedule is alittle, you know, it's intense
living in a dorm.
And so I do remember him cominghome and just sort of, you know,
relaxing.
Um peace and quiet of home.
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (04:50):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (04:50):
Absolutely.
Um and I also remember thinkingthat the son that came home was
different than the one who left.
SPEAKER_01 (05:03):
Even just a few weeks are enough to make a
difference.
SPEAKER_02 (05:06):
Um and I see that with my students too.
They come back and um, you know,they want to be acknowledged.
They they want their parents toacknowledge the fact that
they've been living away, youknow, and that they are
different.
SPEAKER_01 (05:19):
Yes.
Yeah.
Um it's it's and and it requiresadjustments on everyone's part.
It's it's awkward a little bitat the beginning.
SPEAKER_02 (05:27):
Yep.
Yeah.
Um and I think that um thatthings have changed in our own
home too.
You know, when st when our kidsleave, it sort of impacts the
family dynamics a little bit.
And so um, you know, thosechanges have happened and then
they kind of reverse a littlebit when when kids get home.
SPEAKER_01 (05:48):
So a little jockeying for place, perhaps if
there are siblings, you know,that the the that second child
has now become the older childor an only.
I there was with my threedaughters, there was one year
when the older two were bothaway at college, and now the the
baby of the family was suddenlyan only child.
(06:10):
And I'm I'm not sure she lovedall of the attention she
suddenly was getting, but it butit definitely had changed.
And so when they came home, theywere coming into a different
family in a way.
Um and and they're coming homeafter having been really
completely independent atschool, and they've become
(06:33):
accustomed to that.
They're they're used to theirown routine, they're used to
going to sleep when they wantand waking up at all hours, uh
coming and going as they wantto, and so suddenly they have to
re-enter the family, and andthose those family routines that
(06:53):
seem so automatic beforesuddenly may feel restrictive.
And and as parents and family athome, we have to be ready for
some disruption.
That they're that that thestudent's schedule is not always
our schedule when they're up attwo in the morning doing their
laundry because that's theirprime time of day, or we hear
(07:16):
the refrigerator down in thekitchen.
Uh it it it's a it's a lotdifferent than the routine that
we had before.
SPEAKER_02 (07:22):
Or sleeping during the day.
Sleeping for three days.
Right.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (07:28):
Um and and and remembering that that may make
the student feel a little bit asthough they don't fit in
anymore.
Um it wasn't that long ago thatwe were working at surviving
that that in-between summerbetween high school and college,
and and that student who didn'tbelong to high school anymore
(07:49):
and didn't belong to college anddidn't quite know where they fit
in, and now they're coming backto their family, and certainly
they fit in, but it feelsdifferent.
It doesn't fit quite the sameway.
And so, you know, am I a childagain?
Am I an adult?
Do I revert?
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (08:08):
One foot in two worlds.
SPEAKER_01 (08:10):
Yes, yes, definitely.
And so often they're they'redoing that at a time that's a
holiday time, Thanksgiving,Christmas, and holidays are
stressful for everyone anyway.
Right.
So so there's a lot going on,and and the more that we can
anticipate before they even stepthrough the door, um, that
(08:31):
that's that's going to be anunusual time.
Right.
Yeah.
Uh but there are a few things wecan do to prepare, perhaps, that
um that might help.
And and the first thing is whatwe've just talked about, that
recognizing that this may be anawkward time, because if we're
not prepared for that, then itit's suddenly in our face that
(08:53):
wait a minute, why are thingsfeeling uncomfortable?
Um and even before they comehome, maybe we want to check in
and see if there's anything weshould be prepared for.
Um purple hair or new piercingsor tattoos.
Yes, those, you know, I'm eight,I'm 18, I'm on my own now, and
(09:16):
and and somehow a tattoo seemsto often be one way to do that.
Or um the beard.
Um, I know I, you know, I havesome some freshmen who um are
looking um pretty bushy beforeThanksgiving.
Um, but then they come backafter Thanksgiving looking a
little more trim.
So I think maybe someconversations have happened at
(09:39):
home or have they shaved theirhead or whatever, but maybe just
asking so that you're nottotally taken by surprise when
they walk in the door.
SPEAKER_02 (09:47):
Um and that said, it's probably good to remind
your student if you've made anybig changes.
Yes, you know.
I do remember a student uh who Iworked with went home during
vacation and um and theirparents had um changed their
room and let the younger sistergo into their room.
(10:10):
And it it was um and it wasupsetting for the student
because she didn't reallyprepare for that, you know.
SPEAKER_01 (10:18):
Or has it become the craft room or the home office?
SPEAKER_02 (10:22):
Right, right.
So any big changes, you know,students want to know.
Yeah, they know they want toknow what they're walking into,
you know, as well.
Um and then I think it'sprobably good to have some
conversations with your studentsabout what's what you're
planning or what's happening.
Like, you know, are theredoctor's appointments or dentist
appointments?
(10:42):
Are there, you know, things thatare already um sort of carved in
that that are going to happenduring the vacation, during the
you know, the time at home.
Um and it's also good to remindstudents if they have
appointments, you know, umremind them that they could be
the ones calling to make thoseappointments.
(11:03):
I mean, we tend to to do thatfor our kids.
I know that I do that, I dothat.
Um but um but it's good to thinkabout, you know, gee, you know,
encouraging our students to dosomething like that on their
own.
SPEAKER_01 (11:16):
And that gives them the opportunity to do that and
to feel independent, but it alsomeans that whenever they
schedule it, then they know thatand they can plan around it.
And and they're not going to getannoyed because you scheduled an
appointment for them at thedentist at a time when they
wanted to meet their friends.
They they own the whole process.
SPEAKER_02 (11:36):
Right.
Yeah.
Right.
And that and that probablyincludes like dinners together,
you know, having a conversationabout what you expect and what
they expect.
You know, if there are certainnights that you really want them
to be there for dinner andcertain nights that that are
okay if they go off, or certainfamily obligations.
(11:57):
I mean, it's just sort of goodto outline that beforehand so
that there are no surprises.
SPEAKER_01 (12:01):
And and so that they can feel that they're not being
asked to be to show up all thetime, that that there's some
compromises around, yes, I know,because they're going to want to
catch up with all of theirfriends.
Right.
And and you have some time forthat, but this dinner is a must,
or this event is happening, andand we'll compromise around that
(12:25):
makes makes everybody feel alittle better.
And and for some of these theseuh conversations, just really
saying at the beginning ofbreak, perhaps let's sit down
and just take a few minutes andthink and think about what we
need to uh negotiate over overbreak.
SPEAKER_02 (12:46):
Right, like who's get the who gets the car and who
you know, if there are anychores that they were doing
before they left, whetherthey're supposed expected to
jump back in and do them.
SPEAKER_01 (12:56):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (12:56):
Um, taking out the trash and stuff like that.
SPEAKER_01 (12:59):
Carpooling the younger sister to her games or
whatever might be going on.
Yeah.
And curfew.
SPEAKER_02 (13:09):
Oh yes, there's that.
Because, you know, our I mean,you know, students are don't
have a curfew when they're incollege.
No, they don't.
You know, we have a room now atwhere, you know, where we work
where they can study 24 hours aday.
I mean, they're, you know.
So the idea that they have to besomewhere at a certain time is,
(13:32):
you know, might be something totalk about.
SPEAKER_01 (13:34):
And and it's something to negotiate because
they they do have to, at leastto a certain extent, step back
into the family.
And so when they're away atcollege, I'm not aware of when
they're coming and going.
Right.
But but when they're back livingunder my roof, I'm aware when I
hear the door at two in themorning or I notice that the the
(13:58):
hall light is still on, whichmeans they haven't come home.
We with our girls, because wecouldn't, it didn't feel right
for us to tell them you must bein by a certain time because
they had been on their own.
But I needed peace of mind ofknowing they were home safe.
So we we left a hall light on,and when you come home, turn the
(14:19):
hall light off.
And and we we sort of negotiatedif that hall light's still on by
the middle of the night, I'mgonna text you and say, Are you
okay?
Uh and so that worked for us.
It was comfortable.
And different things work fordifferent families, but it
depends on uh on the family.
But if you haven't had aconversation about it
beforehand, um then it's it it'sa little tougher.
(14:43):
And I think it makes adifference to students if they
feel they've been involved inthe discussion, right?
Rather than being dictated to,you know, you must be in or I
don't care.
But let's let's talk about howhow it's going to work.
And there's a certain respect oftheir adult status when when you
(15:04):
sit down and have thoseconversations.
And whether it's the curfew orthe car or the chores or or
family meals or whatever, let'slet's talk about it and make
some decisions together.
SPEAKER_02 (15:18):
Right.
It you know, it's hard topredict what it's gonna be like,
you know, when they've been awayand then they come home.
But um, but you're you know,you're right.
Having having conversationsabout it is the only way to go.
And just be honest about whatyou what you want.
Um and um and also, you know,just show I you know, I remember
(15:40):
m my son feeling like he, youknow, he wanted to be
acknowledged for the growth thathe's you know, he he's lived
alone, you know, and it's it's abig deal.
And it's you know, usually thefirst time, you know, kids have
lived away from home.
You know, I I remember um, youknow, my son talking about how
this was different than going tocamp.
(16:01):
You know, he went to camp in thein the summer, but he remembered
when there was all of a sudden atime where it was past the time
that he would have stayed atcamp.
You know, all of a sudden it waslike this is different.
Um and so it's the first time,you know, having that
experience, living living alone.
SPEAKER_01 (16:19):
And even camp is usually fairly structured.
Right.
And and so being college is not,yeah, right.
It it's a very differentexperience.
And I think all that said, it'simportant though that we
continue to be the parent.
And and and that really for meinvolved knowing what my limits
(16:42):
were, uh, knowing what thingswere not open to negotiation.
And and and sometimes that thatwas as simple as reminding my
student that I still have to getup in the morning and go to
work.
And so it's fine that you don'twant to go to bed until two or
(17:04):
three in the morning, but y youcan't have all your your friends
here making a lot of noisebecause I still have to get up
at six in the morning and go towork.
SPEAKER_02 (17:12):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (17:13):
So there were a couple of things that that I I
needed to say, no, this is thisis still the way it's going to
be, and then other things we cannegotiate and then and working
on how we are how we're gonnawork it out and and what are the
what are limits in in that way.
SPEAKER_02 (17:30):
You know, I think it's also interesting that
different vacations as you gothrough the first year, second
year, third year of college, youknow, it starts to shift a
little bit.
And at some point, you know,your kids are gonna start to
refer to where they live, youknow, in college as their home.
Oh.
And you know, that could hurt alittle at first.
(17:53):
It did.
I remember that is not yourhome.
Yeah.
So so the this it's a processthat that you know goes on.
SPEAKER_01 (18:03):
So so being prepared for the experience, we've, you
know, you anticipate, you thinkabout getting ready, you
prepare, you maybe m have aconversation and you negotiate,
but then there's still that uhshaking up the empty nest again
and and and having them comeback.
SPEAKER_02 (18:23):
Yep.
I think the one, you know, onelast thing I would say it is
that I think it's important toum really look for the positive
changes in our kids and um letthem know that we see it.
Yeah.
You know, that we do see thatthere's been changes, you know,
there and some positive, somegood things um that come from
(18:47):
growing up and growing away.
SPEAKER_01 (18:49):
Yeah, yeah.
And and staying flexible and andnot trying to predict what's
going to happen, just sort ofbeing willing to go with the
flow and give them give themspace and hold them close at at
the same time.
Um I know another thing for mein terms of that staying
(19:12):
flexible.
In my anticipation of the break,I always thought this is going
to be when I'm going to hear allabout their life at school.
Um they're going to come homeand I'm going to hear about
their friends, and I'm going tohear what they're doing and what
they're involved in, and I'mgoing to hear how their classes
are going.
And they came home and reallydidn't want to talk about that
(19:32):
at all.
And that that was a surprise forme.
And at first I I think I was alittle worried, you know, why
why don't you want to tell meabout school?
What's going on there that youdon't want to share with me?
But the more I began to thinkabout it, I that's their world.
And I I I think to a certainextent they they may want to
(19:56):
keep that world as theirs.
And the other thing that's goingon is their day-to-day life
doesn't necessarily seemnoteworthy.
I want to hear all about it.
And they say, well, there'snothing to tell.
It's it's just normal, it's justaverage.
So um yeah, I mean, you you canask some questions and maybe you
(20:18):
get some information, but uhrecognizing that they may just
not want to talk about it.
SPEAKER_02 (20:26):
Right.
And every, you know, every kidis different.
And, you know, some may need tokeep the two worlds separate,
and some may wanna, you know,bridge the gap a little bit
more.
SPEAKER_01 (20:41):
And and some students and parents have been
communicating a lot in between,too.
So there is to be that may makea difference as well.
Right.
So so it's a wonderfulexperience having students home
for break, I think.
SPEAKER_02 (20:57):
Sometimes it's wonderful when they go back to,
I have to say.
SPEAKER_01 (21:00):
It's okay for you both to be ready for break to be
over at the at the end.
And you've you've taken sometime and and you've gotten to
know each other over again, andyou you everybody's rested a
little bit more and and had somegood times, and and now you're
ready to go back and have thenest be quiet again.
(21:22):
Again, right.
Um so breaks coming up, andhopefully everyone will have a
good one with a little bit ofanticipation and preparation and
um everybody going with theflow, but it's a good time.
All right.
So thanks for joining us todayat the College Parent Central
(21:45):
podcast.
And as always, we hope thatwe've given you some things to
think about, some tips thatmaybe can help you on that
roller coaster ride that iscollege parenting.
Um, and if you're finding someof this information helpful, uh
tell your friends and subscribeto the podcast and check out
(22:07):
College Parentcentral.com tofind more articles on all kinds
of topics and useful informationthat we hope will help you as
you're going through thisjourney.
SPEAKER_02 (22:20):
And so until next time.
And remember to enjoy the ride.
See you later.
Bye.
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