July 15, 2024 • 24 mins
Sit down and shut up, because Bill is here. He's a commanding figure from the Gold Coast, who's not fond of many people, and when he's talking you better listen, because he has something important to say.
Today, he has something to confess. Who is Bill, and what is he concealing?
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Do you have a familiar stranger in your life, someone
you see regularly on the train or at the gym
or the supermarket. You don't know anything about them. Their
life is but a mystery to you. They might look
like a normal person, but they may have a dungeon
in their house, or have a connection to Hollywood, or
they may have even been famous in a past life.
(00:28):
That's where I come in. Hi, I'm at Simone and
I'm finding the most interesting people who may present as
very regular people. I'm ready to squeeze out another confession. Head.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Hi, my name's Bill. I'm from the Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia.
I live on a hobby phone with my wife. We
have two children six grandchildren under the age of five.
I love the ocean, the sun, the sand, and I
enjoy animals more than people. However, I am conceding feeling
something from you, Art Simone, but I'm ready to confess.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Hello. Bill, how are you going very well?
Speaker 2 (01:09):
And thank you for having me?
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Oh, thanks for coming on the podcast here today. Now.
You're nice and clean cut, you're well lit, you look
like you know what you're doing. You're on the Gold Coast.
How long have you been there for your whole life or.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Our whole life. Yeah, I came up when I was
probably two or three years of age.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
Okay, sidetrack though, what's your favorite Gold Coast theme park?
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Go? Oh, it has to be wet mild.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Oh, that's a very uncommon answer. Maybe that's a clue.
I'm going to write that down. Wet things. Okay, wet
things could be important. I personally am a movie world person,
but I think that's just because, you know, I feel
like I have star quality and star power, and I
feel like I just belong in movie world. Do you
like the sun? Are you okay with that?
Speaker 2 (01:53):
I love the surf, sull and sand.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
Oh okay, I don't only like surf, sun as I
actually only like none of those things. But maybe we'll
have lots in common. Who knows. Who knows. So what
I'm gonna do is ask you three questions, and from
the answers to those three questions, I have to work
out what it is that you're concealing from me here today.
(02:17):
Are you ready? Bill?
Speaker 2 (02:18):
I'm ready?
Speaker 1 (02:19):
All right, Bill? Okay. First question, what is a motto
you live by?
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Sit down, shut up, or fuck off?
Speaker 1 (02:31):
Sit down, shut up or fuck off. Okay, now, is
that something you've had to say a lot in your life?
Speaker 2 (02:39):
Quite a lot?
Speaker 1 (02:42):
And where did you first come across this? Rather to
the point motto always placed.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
In a position of having to say it, and it's
just been an ongoing thing since.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Okay, all right, Look, I wish I could use that.
I work in a lot of nightclubs with a lot
of easy people, and I tell you what, it'd be
lovely to bark that at some Okay. Question number two
in alternate universe, who would you be and what would
your profession be?
Speaker 2 (03:11):
Oh, you know what, I'd still be me, but I'd
be a cleaner because I'm always cleaning up other people's shit.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Cleaner. Okay, cleaner. Well, you're coming across very authoritative. Authoritative,
authoritative now I'm having on those days. I may look
like I have a big brain because my hair is
so big, but it's actually filled with plastic bags and
if you're in the room with me, you'd be able
to hear them anyway. Question number three, our final question
(03:39):
is what is your take on the meaning of life?
To avoid death?
Speaker 2 (03:47):
What the fuck.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
The meaning of life is? Not to die at all? Okay?
Avoid death? Wow? Okay, They've really set me up with
a lot of information. Should really pull apart here today, Bill. Okay,
so I'm getting that you have to tell a lot
of people what to do, and you're cleaning up things,
so you'd be a good cleaner cleaning up. That sounds
(04:12):
like messy situations, but could be any type of messy situation,
not actual mess okay, messy lives, messy people, messy wives, okay,
and avoiding death. How else could you avoid death? Not
to live in the first place.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
What's a bit?
Speaker 1 (04:33):
But you're here in front of me, so that's interesting. Okay, Okay, right,
are you like an ambo? Like that's all that's coming
to mind? Bill, I'm just going to go for that. Bill,
Are you an ambo?
Speaker 2 (04:48):
No, I'm not.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
Duh.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Excuse me. My name's Bill Edgar and I am the
coffin confessor. Sit down, shut up or fuck I'm hired
by the decease before they die to tell those that
were loved how much they were loved, and those that
my clients love to hate to fuck off.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
What what the fuck is that? Bill? You're a coffin confessor.
I'm saying that like I know what it is, but
I'm very confused. Is he into coffins? Does he sell them?
Does he feel them? Who is he confessing to? All right,
(05:35):
we're here with Bil who is not an ambo. He
is but a coffin confessor. And if you're like me,
you probably have no idea what the hell he's talking about.
So please, Bill, can you give me a top line
of what a coffin confessor is? What that entails?
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Well, basically, I'm engaged by the decease to turn up
at the funeral and to let the secrets out of
the closet. Every person on the planet has a skeleton
in the closet, and I reveal them at the funeral
and be it good, bad, funny or said it doesn't
matter then whether you like me or loath me, you
won't forget me.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
So you gate crashed funerals to deliver news on behalf
of the deceased.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
That's correct.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
Wow, Okay, before we go into that, is this something
that has that you've seen happen in other places and
you're like, I could do that? Or did you make
this up yourself?
Speaker 2 (06:30):
Yeah? So I'm the only coffin confessor on the planet.
There's no one else like me, and it created in
twenty and eighteen. As it started as a joke, I
told a dying man that I crash his funeral for him,
and he took me up on the offer, and from
there it went from one funeral to another to another
and then another doors open where I'd be going to
viewings and pinpricking the body to make sure he's dead,
(06:52):
or placing items in coffins, or gain your people's homes
and sweeping them of items they don't want their family
and friends to find after they've done.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Do you know what, though, it's quite a useful service
because now that you've mentioned sweeping a house of items,
a lot of people in their lives, maybe not me,
may have certain objects in their house that they might
not want I don't know their mother seeing, or maybe
any other relatives seeing. So I am exactly that makes
(07:23):
complete sense of our bill. Top draw on my bedside?
Can you just burn that?
Speaker 2 (07:28):
Please? Can you?
Speaker 1 (07:29):
I don't want to see that? Please?
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
Now have you always been a good secret keeper?
Speaker 2 (07:34):
I believe so. I've been a private investigator for about
fourteen years now, so I do keep secrets and I
hold them dearly because you know, it's my job. It's
a trust that people rely on me.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
I said earlier that we've got nothing in common, and
we've just really cemented that even more because the world
that I come from, there is no secrets kept whatsoever.
You try to get a room of drag queens together
and everyone has got I know absolutely everything about everyone
else by the end of the night. So I think
I would personally be a terrible Actually, i'd be good
at the confessing maybe if I got maybe if they
(08:10):
got given the gossip the morning of the funeral, and
then I could rock up and be like, so, I
bet you bet you didn't know this. Oh that's right
to say. What's it like delivering secrets? You know? Do
you have a sassy side?
Speaker 2 (08:22):
No, I don't have a sassy side. I have a look,
my integrity is everything. I go in and I sit
amongst mourners, family and friends, and I stand up at
a specific time that my client and I have basically
worked out, and I'll interrupt the service by standing up
and saying, excuse me, my name's Billaid guy, I'm the
coffin professor city and shut up. Well fuck off, this
(08:43):
is your loved one laying in the coffin and they've
left something unset. If you want to hear it, stay
and listen. If you don't chuck off.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
Do people look at you when you arrive at the
funeral and like they're start out and being like, who
the fuck is this guy sitting in here? Like as
there have been a scenario where you've us to leave
before you can even deliver the news that you have to.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Oh yeah, some people get a bit upset, But as
soon as I get the crowd on my side, the
crowd usually hushould send down and ask them to leave
because they want to hear. They want to hear what
they loved. One left une said, I'm just a messenger.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
You must be a good guy because they're dead. So
if you don't shut up to the funeral and do it,
who's going to know because you're the only one that
knows the secret. So wow, you you must be a
really top notch bloke. If you're you're like, no, I'm
still gonna go do my job because I'll tell you what.
Some of us wake up in the morning and if
we don't have if our boss is dead, what's the point.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Yeah, I get it, but we all die, and I
know more people dead than alive. Now, so I'm going
where they're going, and there's no way I'm going to
rip the dead off.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Now that you mentioned that that could be a good
horror movie. Anyway, so you said it started, you know
as AA. How did people then start to catch on
about this service and find out about you?
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Well, I I basically read aloud exactly what my client
once said. Because it's their letter, they sign it. I
have a contractual agreement and a video of me and
my client. But once I finished reading, I placed the
letter back in the envelope, place it on the coffin,
and I leave. So I don't know if the funeral
continues or not. I just walk out. Now, this first
particular crash, I left, and the young girl came out
(10:22):
and she said, excuse me, Bill, and my dad would
be proud, thank you so much for doing that. The
second lady that came out asked me and insisted that
I see her auntie, who was in palliative care. And
I decided to go and see her, and she asked
me to crash her funeral. And from that funeral, there
was a reporter there and the reporter made a headline story,
just a little one, and then I was on Good
(10:44):
Morning Britain. And after thirty minutes of been on Good
Morning Britain, I had fourteen and a half thousand requests
from the UK.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
Does that mean you get to travel a lot to
get to some funerals or do you Sometimes it's not
about showing up in Perine, might be just delivering some news,
whether that is by the mail or by you know.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Exactly a lot of times the overseas stuff is either
via zoom or a face to face you know, teleconference
or something like that. But to mean I do have
to travel overseas, I've got a lot going on in
the entertainment industry. So there there's quite a lot going on.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
Could you guess, now, guess how many different people's information
you've got like on the backburner, ready to deliver it
when the time is right.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Oh, one hundred and nearly a thousand and nothing. Yeah.
And the other thing too is as a private investigator,
and I know the internet world very well. I'm an
old school I write everything down as well, so I
don't trust the Internet. I don't trust you know, the
back doors of internet. So you know, I make sure
it's all written down and it's hidden safely and securely.
(11:52):
And that's the trust that my clients have in me.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Have the police. Then, if someone's confessed to a crime,
for example, police giving me a rough time to try
and get some more information out. And how does the
situation like that work?
Speaker 2 (12:05):
Okay, So if someone confesses a crime to me, I
have to report it. You're obliged to report it. However,
if they write it down, put it in a post
envelope and post it to me, or I post it
in myself and I don't open it, I don't know
the crime, so I don't have to report it until
the day of the feral.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
Right, Okay, Well there's a way around it all, isn't there?
There always is? Yes, how do you know if some
of them have carcked it? Like do you have to
like fully? Like because a bitteres aren't even a thing anymore?
Like how do you how do you keep track to
be like, oh shit, I've missed the fear and I
don't even know what's happening. Like how do you I
understand the ones that are knocking on death's door you
(12:42):
can keep an eye out for how do you watch
out those the other ones?
Speaker 2 (12:46):
Every person that's engaged my services has a confident Okay, great,
that knows that I'm engaged. They don't know what I do.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
Or think something to do with the will or something
I don't know well exactly.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
Yeah, they know I'm going to do so, they know
I'm the coffin confessor. They just don't know what it is.
And it could, like I say, it be good, bad,
funny or sad.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
So and when you sit down have a meeting with
your client and they tell you what they want you
to do, there wouldn't be much in the world that
shocks you. But is there still some things you're like, Oh, okay,
did you get caught by surprise? Sometimes even now.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
No, I don't think so. I think I've seen everything
and I've heard everything. I mean, obviously there might be
an item at a house that I wouldn't have suspected.
Like you know, there was a lady recently who was
quite an elderly lady, and she named her toy Clive
after a husband had passed away some years ago. And
(13:42):
Clive was no small fella. That'll be surprised.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
All right, when I'm going you get rid of Clive,
please send him out to pasture, all right, bloody? How well,
good honor though, good honor that, But that is quite
true because I feel, you know, I feel like some
of we have packs with our best years to go.
If anything happens, just go and fix this please. So
it's nice that it's just a service, But how do
you prove to someone that you are trustworthy? Because I
(14:11):
have trust issues? And how do I know that if
I call you up and I give you a little
bit of gossip or a little secret, a little bit
of news to deliver, that I can trust you.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
Look, it comes down to morals, integrity, and ethics, and
that's what I have. I mean, it's proof now since
twenty and eighteen, I have not let a secret out.
I won't do it until the funeral. Sometimes I don't
even know what the secret is until I met the
funeral and I have in the envelope myself.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
That's going to be fun. You must look forward to
those days you're like, oh, I get to open envelope,
you know whatever one, two, three, four today or what's
it going to be exactly?
Speaker 2 (14:46):
And especially like sometimes someone will confess to a crime, so.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
Oh god, this is heaven. This is like maybe drag queens,
are you franchised maybe drag Quay wouldn't really good at this.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
I have a lot of trust issues.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
I don't know I felt real Has there any been
moments where you felt in danger or threatened by other
people because of what you do?
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Only one particular funeral where I revealed that the guy
was gay and he was a bikey, and the other
boys said that I was going to end up in
the grave with him. Mission they didn't like what they heard.
But again, if those people really knew and loved that man,
they already knew they really did. So again, it's not
like I'm saying anything new to some people at the
funeral service. You know some of them already know. It's
(15:39):
just a big reveal.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
Really yeah, I guess what you kind of delivered to is,
you know, infamously and like you've heard of messages being
delivered when the will is being announced or red out
or anything. So it's not an entirely new concept, but
you seem to be modernizing it a little bit more
and making a bit more personal and more in your
(16:01):
face performative and fun. So, of course there's a lot
of darkness around death, but what are some of the
fun things you've been able to do, or the funny
requests or the ones that you've really enjoyed doing, you.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
Know what, you know, even the bad ones I enjoyed doing.
The more I'll get it, through it out of it. Nowadays,
it's pretty cool just to be the only person that's
invited to a funeral by the actual decease. I'm probably
the only person on the planet that's inbted by anybody
that's died. So but I've got to say the one
that sticks in my memory is it is probably the funniest.
(16:38):
And I don't know the circumstances around why it was
so funny, but the gentleman, he'd been petrified that he
wasn't going to be in the casket, it was going
to be somebody else, because many years ago at his
grandmother's funeral, they brought the wrong casket and wrong body.
They actually buried the wrong body and everything, and he
was shocked that, Yeah, I worried that was going to happen,
(17:00):
and so he asked me to walk up to the
coffin and check that it was him in the casket
midway through the service. Midway midway, so I had to
work out what coffin he was in, and how to
open it, because not all coffins are the same. They're
very difficult to open some of them that have locks
and latches and secret little compartments. So I had to
(17:20):
work all that out. However, he also asked that I
play on my phone, Pop goes the Weasel.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
Oh my god, I know.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
He didn't tell me why, but he said, when you
do it, and when you check it's me, look at
my wife, give her the thumbs up, and that's all
you have to do. Well, when I did it, and
I looked at his wife, she was in hysterics, and
it was a thing between them too. It was just
something very secretive and very beautiful between the both of
(17:50):
them because she went from morning to hysterical and it
was just a beautiful thought process for her to think
of him. You know, it's good. I enjoyed it.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
Have secondhand anxiety from you explaining that story. How do
you push through that? Because what I how do you do?
I wouldn't.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
I don't know. I've seen enough dead bodies to not
worry about seeing your dead body.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Yeah, but it's even just in front of a room
of people going oh yeah, better put Pop goes the
police salon.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Oh, fuck them. I don't have any concern for those
left beyond. It's not about them.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
It's you and I guess too. At the end of
the day, you don't know any of those people. You'rerobably
never going to see them ever again the rest of
your life. It'd be different if it was a rumor
of people that you didn't know. Jeez, do you ever
have to sometimes kind of question your own morals? Like,
I know you're working on behalf of your client, but
(18:48):
do you have to bring your own reason into some
situations to go perhaps my client isn't thinking properly, or
this isn't right, you know.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Yeah, And this is where my background comes in. I
investigate every claim that i'm told. So if Joe Blogg
said to me, I'm looking, I've been screwing the neighbor
next door and she's not letting me see the kid, well,
you know what, I'll investigate that claim. I'll do it
as discreetly and as professionally as I can, and then
(19:21):
even if I find it's true, I'll say, listen, how
about we just say you were screwing a neighbor because
you live in a complex and it could be man
or woman, that's not out her when you're gone, because
she's got three kids, you know, she has her husband,
and I know how vengeful and revenge you on her.
But let's just let her know secretly that you're desires
in your thoughts, but let the crowd know that it
(19:42):
could have been anybody. So I'll work around a few
areas that I'm not going to destroy a family over it.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Yeah, And that's a really good point, because some older
people do get very vengeful and always really want to
have the last say.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
Although there are a lot of vaults in the families too,
you know, And these vultures circle as soon as I
know you're on your deathbed, they're circling trying to get
all your shit, you know. And you don't know the
vultures are there until they're there. And sometimes they could
be standing right beside you throughout life, just waiting, you know,
So I couldn't give a fuck about them. I love
standing up at funerals and telling them to fuck off.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
Now, I will ask you, is there a kind of
funeral you haven't gone to yet that you want to experience?
I don't know, maybe a witch burning, or maybe I
don't know, a mummification could be fun. Is there any
because I feel like you've been to all sorts of funerals.
Is there something that you're waiting to see one day?
Speaker 2 (20:42):
Yeah? Too? Oh, going to go into a tomb? I'd
like to. Yeah, something like that would be something I'd
like to see. You know, I've jumped in another man's grave,
I've lay in the grave, I've been to the cremation,
and I've sort of lay on the bed of the
crematorium as well. I've done all those things to experience
what it was like. I even had coffins on my
(21:03):
own farm that I was People were coming in staying
because I had coffin camping and it worked out really
well for a while.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
So that's quite a camp though. I like that. No,
I really like And it's really pleasant to meet someone
like you because death is very scary for a lot
of people. And the service you offer and from just
meeting you, I think you demystify and make death a
little less scary. How do you price something like this, like,
(21:33):
how do you go? How much is a secret worth?
And it's a lot of people and depending on the
secret it could be a lot of money.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
Well, yeah, I mean it's between two and ten thousand
dollars a year. They don't need the money where they're going,
and I never get a complaint.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
That's true, And I mean people are going to wonder.
People are going to wonder to get paid in advance
or does it go into a magical thing that releases
at a certain date.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
In time, like yeah, it goes into a trust account,
so it's not released until the day they're funeral and
that I've done the job.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
Well, there's your motivation to do the job, then, isn't there. Okay,
forget about the dead people hunting you down. You don't
get paid Gill, It's done so so I think the
only way to close this out would be to give
you a confession that I'd like you to keep. I'll
give you bit of background. So I haven't told anyone this,
(22:26):
and my housemate will be really upset when I do
reveal it. But luckily I don't think he listens to
my podcast because he's not a good friend. But my
housemate is obsessed with house plants. Obsessed obsessed with house plants.
You won every day too, if possible, and I've been
very accepting, But there's one type of house plant I hate,
(22:48):
and I don't think they deserve to be in the house.
And they're those mangy, gross, succulent things. Their kid is
give me something with the flail, Give me something with
the vine. Why do I need this meat bloody thing
with some rocks on the bottom that's just sitting in
a jar. Anyway, The reveal is that I've been throwing
the succulents over the back fence so.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
Well that sucks.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
So if you could please deliver that, if I have
an untimely JESK, that would be wonderful, not a.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
Problem at all. I'll let him know you spit his
succulents out.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
So Bill isn't an ambo. He is a Goffin confessor,
and I hope he enjoys my succulent secret. You've been
listening to an iHeart Australia production Concealed with artsimone. Listen
to more of what you love an iHeart, and I
must confess I look amazing today. So what are you
waiting for? I know you're dying to check me out
(23:54):
on the socials.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
Momma, Yes,
Do you have a familiar stranger in your life, someone
you see regularly on the train or at the gym
or the supermarket. You don't know anything about them. Their
life is but a mystery to you. They might look
like a normal person, but they may have a dungeon
in their house, or have a connection to Hollywood, or
they may have even been famous in a past life.
(00:28):
That's where I come in. Hi, I'm at Simone and
I'm finding the most interesting people who may present as
very regular people. I'm ready to squeeze out another confession. Head.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Hi, my name's Bill. I'm from the Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia.
I live on a hobby phone with my wife. We
have two children six grandchildren under the age of five.
I love the ocean, the sun, the sand, and I
enjoy animals more than people. However, I am conceding feeling
something from you, Art Simone, but I'm ready to confess.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Hello. Bill, how are you going very well?
Speaker 2 (01:09):
And thank you for having me?
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Oh, thanks for coming on the podcast here today. Now.
You're nice and clean cut, you're well lit, you look
like you know what you're doing. You're on the Gold Coast.
How long have you been there for your whole life or.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Our whole life. Yeah, I came up when I was
probably two or three years of age.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
Okay, sidetrack though, what's your favorite Gold Coast theme park?
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Go? Oh, it has to be wet mild.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Oh, that's a very uncommon answer. Maybe that's a clue.
I'm going to write that down. Wet things. Okay, wet
things could be important. I personally am a movie world person,
but I think that's just because, you know, I feel
like I have star quality and star power, and I
feel like I just belong in movie world. Do you
like the sun? Are you okay with that?
Speaker 2 (01:53):
I love the surf, sull and sand.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
Oh okay, I don't only like surf, sun as I
actually only like none of those things. But maybe we'll
have lots in common. Who knows. Who knows. So what
I'm gonna do is ask you three questions, and from
the answers to those three questions, I have to work
out what it is that you're concealing from me here today.
(02:17):
Are you ready? Bill?
Speaker 2 (02:18):
I'm ready?
Speaker 1 (02:19):
All right, Bill? Okay. First question, what is a motto
you live by?
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Sit down, shut up, or fuck off?
Speaker 1 (02:31):
Sit down, shut up or fuck off. Okay, now, is
that something you've had to say a lot in your life?
Speaker 2 (02:39):
Quite a lot?
Speaker 1 (02:42):
And where did you first come across this? Rather to
the point motto always placed.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
In a position of having to say it, and it's
just been an ongoing thing since.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Okay, all right, Look, I wish I could use that.
I work in a lot of nightclubs with a lot
of easy people, and I tell you what, it'd be
lovely to bark that at some Okay. Question number two
in alternate universe, who would you be and what would
your profession be?
Speaker 2 (03:11):
Oh, you know what, I'd still be me, but I'd
be a cleaner because I'm always cleaning up other people's shit.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Cleaner. Okay, cleaner. Well, you're coming across very authoritative. Authoritative,
authoritative now I'm having on those days. I may look
like I have a big brain because my hair is
so big, but it's actually filled with plastic bags and
if you're in the room with me, you'd be able
to hear them anyway. Question number three, our final question
(03:39):
is what is your take on the meaning of life?
To avoid death?
Speaker 2 (03:47):
What the fuck.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
The meaning of life is? Not to die at all? Okay?
Avoid death? Wow? Okay, They've really set me up with
a lot of information. Should really pull apart here today, Bill. Okay,
so I'm getting that you have to tell a lot
of people what to do, and you're cleaning up things,
so you'd be a good cleaner cleaning up. That sounds
(04:12):
like messy situations, but could be any type of messy situation,
not actual mess okay, messy lives, messy people, messy wives, okay,
and avoiding death. How else could you avoid death? Not
to live in the first place.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
What's a bit?
Speaker 1 (04:33):
But you're here in front of me, so that's interesting. Okay, Okay, right,
are you like an ambo? Like that's all that's coming
to mind? Bill, I'm just going to go for that. Bill,
Are you an ambo?
Speaker 2 (04:48):
No, I'm not.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
Duh.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Excuse me. My name's Bill Edgar and I am the
coffin confessor. Sit down, shut up or fuck I'm hired
by the decease before they die to tell those that
were loved how much they were loved, and those that
my clients love to hate to fuck off.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
What what the fuck is that? Bill? You're a coffin confessor.
I'm saying that like I know what it is, but
I'm very confused. Is he into coffins? Does he sell them?
Does he feel them? Who is he confessing to? All right,
(05:35):
we're here with Bil who is not an ambo. He
is but a coffin confessor. And if you're like me,
you probably have no idea what the hell he's talking about.
So please, Bill, can you give me a top line
of what a coffin confessor is? What that entails?
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Well, basically, I'm engaged by the decease to turn up
at the funeral and to let the secrets out of
the closet. Every person on the planet has a skeleton
in the closet, and I reveal them at the funeral
and be it good, bad, funny or said it doesn't
matter then whether you like me or loath me, you
won't forget me.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
So you gate crashed funerals to deliver news on behalf
of the deceased.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
That's correct.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
Wow, Okay, before we go into that, is this something
that has that you've seen happen in other places and
you're like, I could do that? Or did you make
this up yourself?
Speaker 2 (06:30):
Yeah? So I'm the only coffin confessor on the planet.
There's no one else like me, and it created in
twenty and eighteen. As it started as a joke, I
told a dying man that I crash his funeral for him,
and he took me up on the offer, and from
there it went from one funeral to another to another
and then another doors open where I'd be going to
viewings and pinpricking the body to make sure he's dead,
(06:52):
or placing items in coffins, or gain your people's homes
and sweeping them of items they don't want their family
and friends to find after they've done.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Do you know what, though, it's quite a useful service
because now that you've mentioned sweeping a house of items,
a lot of people in their lives, maybe not me,
may have certain objects in their house that they might
not want I don't know their mother seeing, or maybe
any other relatives seeing. So I am exactly that makes
(07:23):
complete sense of our bill. Top draw on my bedside?
Can you just burn that?
Speaker 2 (07:28):
Please? Can you?
Speaker 1 (07:29):
I don't want to see that? Please?
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
Now have you always been a good secret keeper?
Speaker 2 (07:34):
I believe so. I've been a private investigator for about
fourteen years now, so I do keep secrets and I
hold them dearly because you know, it's my job. It's
a trust that people rely on me.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
I said earlier that we've got nothing in common, and
we've just really cemented that even more because the world
that I come from, there is no secrets kept whatsoever.
You try to get a room of drag queens together
and everyone has got I know absolutely everything about everyone
else by the end of the night. So I think
I would personally be a terrible Actually, i'd be good
at the confessing maybe if I got maybe if they
(08:10):
got given the gossip the morning of the funeral, and
then I could rock up and be like, so, I
bet you bet you didn't know this. Oh that's right
to say. What's it like delivering secrets? You know? Do
you have a sassy side?
Speaker 2 (08:22):
No, I don't have a sassy side. I have a look,
my integrity is everything. I go in and I sit
amongst mourners, family and friends, and I stand up at
a specific time that my client and I have basically
worked out, and I'll interrupt the service by standing up
and saying, excuse me, my name's Billaid guy, I'm the
coffin professor city and shut up. Well fuck off, this
(08:43):
is your loved one laying in the coffin and they've
left something unset. If you want to hear it, stay
and listen. If you don't chuck off.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
Do people look at you when you arrive at the
funeral and like they're start out and being like, who
the fuck is this guy sitting in here? Like as
there have been a scenario where you've us to leave
before you can even deliver the news that you have to.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Oh yeah, some people get a bit upset, But as
soon as I get the crowd on my side, the
crowd usually hushould send down and ask them to leave
because they want to hear. They want to hear what
they loved. One left une said, I'm just a messenger.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
You must be a good guy because they're dead. So
if you don't shut up to the funeral and do it,
who's going to know because you're the only one that
knows the secret. So wow, you you must be a
really top notch bloke. If you're you're like, no, I'm
still gonna go do my job because I'll tell you what.
Some of us wake up in the morning and if
we don't have if our boss is dead, what's the point.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Yeah, I get it, but we all die, and I
know more people dead than alive. Now, so I'm going
where they're going, and there's no way I'm going to
rip the dead off.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Now that you mentioned that that could be a good
horror movie. Anyway, so you said it started, you know
as AA. How did people then start to catch on
about this service and find out about you?
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Well, I I basically read aloud exactly what my client
once said. Because it's their letter, they sign it. I
have a contractual agreement and a video of me and
my client. But once I finished reading, I placed the
letter back in the envelope, place it on the coffin,
and I leave. So I don't know if the funeral
continues or not. I just walk out. Now, this first
particular crash, I left, and the young girl came out
(10:22):
and she said, excuse me, Bill, and my dad would
be proud, thank you so much for doing that. The
second lady that came out asked me and insisted that
I see her auntie, who was in palliative care. And
I decided to go and see her, and she asked
me to crash her funeral. And from that funeral, there
was a reporter there and the reporter made a headline story,
just a little one, and then I was on Good
(10:44):
Morning Britain. And after thirty minutes of been on Good
Morning Britain, I had fourteen and a half thousand requests
from the UK.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
Does that mean you get to travel a lot to
get to some funerals or do you Sometimes it's not
about showing up in Perine, might be just delivering some news,
whether that is by the mail or by you know.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Exactly a lot of times the overseas stuff is either
via zoom or a face to face you know, teleconference
or something like that. But to mean I do have
to travel overseas, I've got a lot going on in
the entertainment industry. So there there's quite a lot going on.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
Could you guess, now, guess how many different people's information
you've got like on the backburner, ready to deliver it
when the time is right.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Oh, one hundred and nearly a thousand and nothing. Yeah.
And the other thing too is as a private investigator,
and I know the internet world very well. I'm an
old school I write everything down as well, so I
don't trust the Internet. I don't trust you know, the
back doors of internet. So you know, I make sure
it's all written down and it's hidden safely and securely.
(11:52):
And that's the trust that my clients have in me.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Have the police. Then, if someone's confessed to a crime,
for example, police giving me a rough time to try
and get some more information out. And how does the
situation like that work?
Speaker 2 (12:05):
Okay, So if someone confesses a crime to me, I
have to report it. You're obliged to report it. However,
if they write it down, put it in a post
envelope and post it to me, or I post it
in myself and I don't open it, I don't know
the crime, so I don't have to report it until
the day of the feral.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
Right, Okay, Well there's a way around it all, isn't there?
There always is? Yes, how do you know if some
of them have carcked it? Like do you have to
like fully? Like because a bitteres aren't even a thing anymore?
Like how do you how do you keep track to
be like, oh shit, I've missed the fear and I
don't even know what's happening. Like how do you I
understand the ones that are knocking on death's door you
(12:42):
can keep an eye out for how do you watch
out those the other ones?
Speaker 2 (12:46):
Every person that's engaged my services has a confident Okay, great,
that knows that I'm engaged. They don't know what I do.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
Or think something to do with the will or something
I don't know well exactly.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
Yeah, they know I'm going to do so, they know
I'm the coffin confessor. They just don't know what it is.
And it could, like I say, it be good, bad,
funny or sad.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
So and when you sit down have a meeting with
your client and they tell you what they want you
to do, there wouldn't be much in the world that
shocks you. But is there still some things you're like, Oh, okay,
did you get caught by surprise? Sometimes even now.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
No, I don't think so. I think I've seen everything
and I've heard everything. I mean, obviously there might be
an item at a house that I wouldn't have suspected.
Like you know, there was a lady recently who was
quite an elderly lady, and she named her toy Clive
after a husband had passed away some years ago. And
(13:42):
Clive was no small fella. That'll be surprised.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
All right, when I'm going you get rid of Clive,
please send him out to pasture, all right, bloody? How well,
good honor though, good honor that, But that is quite
true because I feel, you know, I feel like some
of we have packs with our best years to go.
If anything happens, just go and fix this please. So
it's nice that it's just a service, But how do
you prove to someone that you are trustworthy? Because I
(14:11):
have trust issues? And how do I know that if
I call you up and I give you a little
bit of gossip or a little secret, a little bit
of news to deliver, that I can trust you.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
Look, it comes down to morals, integrity, and ethics, and
that's what I have. I mean, it's proof now since
twenty and eighteen, I have not let a secret out.
I won't do it until the funeral. Sometimes I don't
even know what the secret is until I met the
funeral and I have in the envelope myself.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
That's going to be fun. You must look forward to
those days you're like, oh, I get to open envelope,
you know whatever one, two, three, four today or what's
it going to be exactly?
Speaker 2 (14:46):
And especially like sometimes someone will confess to a crime, so.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
Oh god, this is heaven. This is like maybe drag queens,
are you franchised maybe drag Quay wouldn't really good at this.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
I have a lot of trust issues.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
I don't know I felt real Has there any been
moments where you felt in danger or threatened by other
people because of what you do?
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Only one particular funeral where I revealed that the guy
was gay and he was a bikey, and the other
boys said that I was going to end up in
the grave with him. Mission they didn't like what they heard.
But again, if those people really knew and loved that man,
they already knew they really did. So again, it's not
like I'm saying anything new to some people at the
funeral service. You know some of them already know. It's
(15:39):
just a big reveal.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
Really yeah, I guess what you kind of delivered to is,
you know, infamously and like you've heard of messages being
delivered when the will is being announced or red out
or anything. So it's not an entirely new concept, but
you seem to be modernizing it a little bit more
and making a bit more personal and more in your
(16:01):
face performative and fun. So, of course there's a lot
of darkness around death, but what are some of the
fun things you've been able to do, or the funny
requests or the ones that you've really enjoyed doing, you.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
Know what, you know, even the bad ones I enjoyed doing.
The more I'll get it, through it out of it. Nowadays,
it's pretty cool just to be the only person that's
invited to a funeral by the actual decease. I'm probably
the only person on the planet that's inbted by anybody
that's died. So but I've got to say the one
that sticks in my memory is it is probably the funniest.
(16:38):
And I don't know the circumstances around why it was
so funny, but the gentleman, he'd been petrified that he
wasn't going to be in the casket, it was going
to be somebody else, because many years ago at his
grandmother's funeral, they brought the wrong casket and wrong body.
They actually buried the wrong body and everything, and he
was shocked that, Yeah, I worried that was going to happen,
(17:00):
and so he asked me to walk up to the
coffin and check that it was him in the casket
midway through the service. Midway midway, so I had to
work out what coffin he was in, and how to
open it, because not all coffins are the same. They're
very difficult to open some of them that have locks
and latches and secret little compartments. So I had to
(17:20):
work all that out. However, he also asked that I
play on my phone, Pop goes the Weasel.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
Oh my god, I know.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
He didn't tell me why, but he said, when you
do it, and when you check it's me, look at
my wife, give her the thumbs up, and that's all
you have to do. Well, when I did it, and
I looked at his wife, she was in hysterics, and
it was a thing between them too. It was just
something very secretive and very beautiful between the both of
(17:50):
them because she went from morning to hysterical and it
was just a beautiful thought process for her to think
of him. You know, it's good. I enjoyed it.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
Have secondhand anxiety from you explaining that story. How do
you push through that? Because what I how do you do?
I wouldn't.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
I don't know. I've seen enough dead bodies to not
worry about seeing your dead body.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Yeah, but it's even just in front of a room
of people going oh yeah, better put Pop goes the
police salon.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Oh, fuck them. I don't have any concern for those
left beyond. It's not about them.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
It's you and I guess too. At the end of
the day, you don't know any of those people. You'rerobably
never going to see them ever again the rest of
your life. It'd be different if it was a rumor
of people that you didn't know. Jeez, do you ever
have to sometimes kind of question your own morals? Like,
I know you're working on behalf of your client, but
(18:48):
do you have to bring your own reason into some
situations to go perhaps my client isn't thinking properly, or
this isn't right, you know.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Yeah, And this is where my background comes in. I
investigate every claim that i'm told. So if Joe Blogg
said to me, I'm looking, I've been screwing the neighbor
next door and she's not letting me see the kid, well,
you know what, I'll investigate that claim. I'll do it
as discreetly and as professionally as I can, and then
(19:21):
even if I find it's true, I'll say, listen, how
about we just say you were screwing a neighbor because
you live in a complex and it could be man
or woman, that's not out her when you're gone, because
she's got three kids, you know, she has her husband,
and I know how vengeful and revenge you on her.
But let's just let her know secretly that you're desires
in your thoughts, but let the crowd know that it
(19:42):
could have been anybody. So I'll work around a few
areas that I'm not going to destroy a family over it.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Yeah, And that's a really good point, because some older
people do get very vengeful and always really want to
have the last say.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
Although there are a lot of vaults in the families too,
you know, And these vultures circle as soon as I
know you're on your deathbed, they're circling trying to get
all your shit, you know. And you don't know the
vultures are there until they're there. And sometimes they could
be standing right beside you throughout life, just waiting, you know,
So I couldn't give a fuck about them. I love
standing up at funerals and telling them to fuck off.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
Now, I will ask you, is there a kind of
funeral you haven't gone to yet that you want to experience?
I don't know, maybe a witch burning, or maybe I
don't know, a mummification could be fun. Is there any
because I feel like you've been to all sorts of funerals.
Is there something that you're waiting to see one day?
Speaker 2 (20:42):
Yeah? Too? Oh, going to go into a tomb? I'd
like to. Yeah, something like that would be something I'd
like to see. You know, I've jumped in another man's grave,
I've lay in the grave, I've been to the cremation,
and I've sort of lay on the bed of the
crematorium as well. I've done all those things to experience
what it was like. I even had coffins on my
(21:03):
own farm that I was People were coming in staying
because I had coffin camping and it worked out really
well for a while.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
So that's quite a camp though. I like that. No,
I really like And it's really pleasant to meet someone
like you because death is very scary for a lot
of people. And the service you offer and from just
meeting you, I think you demystify and make death a
little less scary. How do you price something like this, like,
(21:33):
how do you go? How much is a secret worth?
And it's a lot of people and depending on the
secret it could be a lot of money.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
Well, yeah, I mean it's between two and ten thousand
dollars a year. They don't need the money where they're going,
and I never get a complaint.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
That's true, And I mean people are going to wonder.
People are going to wonder to get paid in advance
or does it go into a magical thing that releases
at a certain date.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
In time, like yeah, it goes into a trust account,
so it's not released until the day they're funeral and
that I've done the job.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
Well, there's your motivation to do the job, then, isn't there. Okay,
forget about the dead people hunting you down. You don't
get paid Gill, It's done so so I think the
only way to close this out would be to give
you a confession that I'd like you to keep. I'll
give you bit of background. So I haven't told anyone this,
(22:26):
and my housemate will be really upset when I do
reveal it. But luckily I don't think he listens to
my podcast because he's not a good friend. But my
housemate is obsessed with house plants. Obsessed obsessed with house plants.
You won every day too, if possible, and I've been
very accepting, But there's one type of house plant I hate,
(22:48):
and I don't think they deserve to be in the house.
And they're those mangy, gross, succulent things. Their kid is
give me something with the flail, Give me something with
the vine. Why do I need this meat bloody thing
with some rocks on the bottom that's just sitting in
a jar. Anyway, The reveal is that I've been throwing
the succulents over the back fence so.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
Well that sucks.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
So if you could please deliver that, if I have
an untimely JESK, that would be wonderful, not a.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
Problem at all. I'll let him know you spit his
succulents out.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
So Bill isn't an ambo. He is a Goffin confessor,
and I hope he enjoys my succulent secret. You've been
listening to an iHeart Australia production Concealed with artsimone. Listen
to more of what you love an iHeart, and I
must confess I look amazing today. So what are you
waiting for? I know you're dying to check me out
(23:54):
on the socials.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
Momma, Yes,
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