Ep.69 - The Talents we Wish we Had... - Conversational Humor - An Improv Comedy Hour

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
I freaking love our podcast. I'm so hungry right now.
I assumed his name was Darth Virgin.
Come on, you're talking dirty tome right now.
She's like, what do you got in your mouth?
And I got a fruit by the foot, hanging halfway down to my leg.
I like to eat my calories, not drink them.

(00:24):
All right, hello, hello, and welcome back to episode 69 of
Conversational Humor with Pawn and Ball Roll.
Oh you want to start this off friendly when you left ME3
samoas? I stuck four boxes of Girl Scout
cookies in front of pawn. 3 Samoas.
Just to see how his diet post Caribbean cruises.
Do it. He just jammed an entire Samoa

(00:45):
in his mouth, Ranked those in front of you.
Samoas are #1 right? Tag along two Yeah thin mince 3
Dosi dos 40. Really.
Just out of Pierce spite for you.
I don't know what I would do. I'd go Samoa one.
Samoas are the goat. Oh, Girl Scout cookies they are.
Like when you were a little kid,you were like going immediately
for the purple boxes. Today is Friday, April the 11th

(01:08):
of 2025 and we're going to be talking about the talents we
wish we. Had Why don't we talk about Sean
leaving an open beer in my seat?I left that beer can here for
two weeks just so punk and see how much fun we were having
without him. It's good to have you back, but
I haven't seen you in a month. It's been a long time.
You are back from paradise and went right into hell.

(01:29):
Yeah, it was a tough week. Going back into like a full work
week, you're in cold weather, it's rainy like is it's, that's
when you're questioning your life choices.
I think the first. Day you're like, was it worth
it? Wasn't the first day back was
nice? I think it was like 50.
Was it 5? This show was like a trick.
You know? You're like, man, Michigan ain't
so bad. Like, I kind of missed this
place. And then the next day it was

(01:49):
like 21 and sleeting. But not just the weather.
Like waking up and going to work, getting back into the
grind from being, you know, fluffed up all week or a week
and 1/2 or two weeks, however long you were.
Gone. I don't have, like, some random
dude from a random country waiting on me, like, you know,
on a cruise ship. They're from all over different
countries. Yeah, so you, you randomly have

(02:11):
a dude named They always lie. It's always Marker Kevin.
But it's not Marker Kevin, Right.
But they're always like, Chris, you need a mojito.
I'm like Mojito Utah 2. And then when you like, you go
to ports. And especially if like Royal
Caribbean owns that island or the section of the island you're
going, your drink package still works and your waiters and

(02:33):
waitresses come and bartenders come with you.
So like, we show up on an islandand I'm like, I, I have no idea
what I'm expecting. He's like, Chris, Chris Mojito.
They're like, hell yeah, maybe Mojito because, you know, you
prepaid your gratuities. But because they're waiting like
hand and foot on you every morning you slip on a 20 or so,
you know? And that means the world to them

(02:54):
because most people aren't tipping.
A $20 bill to some of these countries that are working in
pesos is like a fortune. I'm I promise you.
Multiply 20 times however many people he's waiting on.
We're in Haiti, which you would not think was my favorite, but
Royal Caribbean owns a section. It was my favorite place of
anywhere we went. But they have bar tops in the
middle of the ocean. Oh yeah, and.

(03:14):
I commandeered one of those and this.
Guy was like walking our drinks out there and Oh yeah, I'm like
no, no, we'll go. He loved us so much he's gonna
walk our drinks to. The in the middle of the water,
we have one of those floating. It was in the Dominican like
where they filmed Pirates of theCaribbean where he's like
marooned on that island, you know, And there was a floating
bar because we went on a catamaran and it was me and Chad

(03:36):
and Patrick and our ladies and Ijust completely took it over.
We were buzzed and I, I just told the bartender I was like,
hey, goalie on the beach Royal. I got this like the whole
catamaran that was with us. I wouldn't let anybody have a
drink unless they did a shot first.
Oh my God. This cat and ran on the way back
to the art resort was outrageous.
Like everyone loved me, then everyone hated me.
Yep. Yeah.

(03:57):
Well, welcome back. I'm assuming that I'm assuming
there's a podcast sticker on theback of your rental car.
There is. If not, you're dead tonight.
I put Lauren goes, Dude, what are you, 12?
Why do you keep leaving stickerson the main dining hall chairs?
I was like, you know, you got toget dressed up for these dinners
and I'm like slapping, I get. Snickers on it.

(04:18):
I can't wait to get a listener from Haiti.
Yeah, she's like, you're not even going to get no listeners
because they're going to be mad and peel them off the chair.
Well, I was wondering I I was the only thing I was
disappointed in. We can get more into your trip
and appetizers in a second. I was just disappointed that I
didn't get any pictures of Pawn,double fist and ice cream.
Cone listen to me. I I had the funniest thing,
which so I have I forget what I was doing.

(04:41):
I was up with the boys on the pool deck 'cause our group was
so big. We had one area of the pool deck
the entire time from 7:00 AM when it opened until it.
Closed. I made fun of how big your group
was in the last podcast. It would Did you?
It was so 4040. Seven that stresses me out.
Pop But it was like, I don't know you.
I I wasn't always with somebody.We were, it was like family.

(05:02):
We it was all family. Sometimes you want to just
relax. Yeah, small talk.
Yeah. But I think I was up.
We got back from maybe the Bahamas or something, and the
girls were tired or anyways, I had just got sauced up, so I was
like, I'll be right back. I went to the full deck with the
boys and Lauren said, hey, I'm coming up.
I said bring me an ice cream. And she, she, I swear to God, it

(05:27):
had to be 36 inches tall, standing high and cone on a
cone. And everywhere she's walking
through, everybody's like, what in the hell things?
Is weaving. She go, so I told her I go.
You gotta make sure you say large like I want a large ice
cream 'cause they give you little Kitty cones.
You know 1 biters legitimately 1.
'Cause they're just serving a bunch of.

(05:47):
People, the trick is if you say I want a large they like, we'll
hook you up with a a grown up. So she said large and I go.
He must have thought you were hot because it was standing like
the Eiffel Tower. Lauren's officially 30 A6 inch
ice cream cone hot dude. It was something it was so I'm
eating it like stumbling back because she came up broad and we
were going to walk back in an entire table of full-fledged

(06:10):
adults, not adults like us, actual adults.
They were like, Oh my God, I gotto get one of those.
And I'm like, well, you better have her take like, I don't know
what to tell you, lady, you're not getting this.
You're not getting this size. Yeah, it was great.
Well, I was waiting to see how you did on your diet when you
came back. I was actually pawn and I were.
Horrific. You said beforehand that you
were going to count calories on a cruise ship.
I was like punch. Wait, wait, let me tell you

(06:33):
something. So I made it Thursday.
I know my exact weight. I was getting down.
I was like, man, I'm actually like starting to really get back
in shape and I made it Thursday night was we were down in Cocoa
Beach Friday. I made it like I was eating
steak and shrimp for dinner. Like I was eating smart, you
know, not crazy and having like vegetables me.

(06:54):
No, I was being smart having having like what was I having
for Dragin and tonics like 100 calories a drink.
I was being smart. I'm being smart.
Saturday, something happened. I don't remember what the switch
was, but I had a brain was like we're on vacation.
Something happened and I want I want all of it now.
Pawn. Got to Saturday and he was like,
my body's going to look somewhatthe same by Thursday if I just

(07:17):
go nuts right now I'm. Fine, it has been an absolute
avalanche. So starting tomorrow, we're.
Back Well, I said I put on here I was like pawn could join the
jiu jitsu gym that my son does jiu jitsu at.
But as we were leaving last time, I realized that right next
door to that is quote the Cheesecake Shop and Cafe.
No no, no fun would lose a poundand gain 2.

(07:37):
I have this tweet that I think Imight have read before, but it
says at Mitch Terhammerath says Magic Mike grossed 167,000,000.
If you girls think dad's bods are cool, keep dreaming pal.
And some guy responded and he goes Shrek grossed 484,000,000.
Just so we're clear. And I thought of fun when I read
that. Thank you.

(07:59):
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Conversational humor and you canfind us on Facebook at.
Conversational humor podcast. If you haven't already listened,
go back and check out episode 68where Sean successfully sat in I

(08:21):
had almost said shat in for pawn.
The Girl Scout kickies are gone by the.
Way there was 3 samoas, you leftme 3.
Or Sean successfully sat in for pawn on the movie how we would
do in our favorite movies. And of course I got a little bit
piggish pawn because, you know, I always got to get a little
piggish. Oh yeah, at one point I I was
giggling when I was re listeningto it when I said listen if I
was Adam Sandler in 51st dates, sometimes I would go on dates

(08:46):
with Lucy and sometimes I would I was like, but her parents
would not want me around. That's for sure, no.
So get into our appetizer section.
I do want to hear more about pawns.
Cruise, I'm sure you're full of stories and I was saving some
Chicago stories to compare to you.
I. That was the pictures were
great, but here's one before I forget because I will forget

(09:07):
this. So on the cruise, like we had a
really nice time. We we took a bunch of people and
we spent some money and I was feeling myself a little bit and
and I and the world has a way ofhumbling you.
I bought I bought a new car, a new to me, not a new car.
And it happened to be at Land Rover of Troy.
That's where I bought the car. From this guy over here, I.

(09:28):
Mean no big deal. But anyway, so I'm waiting.
I'm waiting for all the paperwork to get done and they
had like $185,000 Land Rover in there blue all white.
Interior spends that money. That was my question to the
sale. Me and the salesman were like
making fun of people, but I tookpictures of it 'cause I was
like, this may be 1 of aesthetically, it's one of the

(09:49):
most beautiful cars I've ever seen in my life.
And another salesman comes up and goes, oh, is that what you
guys ended up going with? And you're like.
I I got I bought a Jeep Grand Cherokee.
So I go no, and I pointed it thethe Jeep Grand Cherokees right
out the drive go. Oh no, I went with that.
See that over? From the news lot he goes in, he
cement this with his whole heart.

(10:10):
This was not him being funny. He went, oh, what's it's got
four wheels, That's all that matters.
And I was like, am I the poorestperson?
There's no response. You just looked at it and you're
like exit stage left. He met, he was like seriously
taken aback that in a Jeep GrandCherokee where I'm from is a
nice vehicle. Hell yeah dude, the Jeep Grand
Cherokee is a. Classic.

(10:30):
Nice. They've always looked nice.
But he was not impressed. And he's talking about $185,000
range. I have the pictures also to you
right now. I realized while you were in the
Caribbean and I was in Chicago, 2 very different things.
We had a great time, but they'retwo very different things.
Pawn and I were exchanging pictures and I realized I was

(10:51):
the real life version of social media.
I was Facebook. I was trying to make my life
look as good as yours. Just Pawns enemy is that.
A Sears Tower. In paradise.
And I'm like, yeah, well, we're on a glass floor in the Sears
Tower right now. We're at Harry Carey's having a
cheeseburger. It was quite different.
Just a couple things on the Chicago trip that I didn't

(11:13):
mention last week. The Willis Tower, as you
mentioned, anybody that goes to Chicago for a family trip and
wants to go up, they have those glass block boxes.
Which are they freaky to be on? I could not go into it.
I bet I could only get a toe onto it.
So this is the problem. I have a I'm cheap cost Steph me
and Max 104 dollars are you kidding $104.00 to go up an

(11:36):
elevator to look out windows. Are you kidding me?
Pun I'm serious and as soon as Iget off the elevator my knees
turn into like jello. I can't explain what happens to
me. I'm like wobbling around looking
for things to hold. Onto like I may make sense so.
It's an irrational fear. Yeah, we get to that.
We're in line. So you go all the way around the
tower and then at the end is theglass boxes that you get in,
there's like four or five of them.

(11:57):
How many people were in there, would you say?
At a time, yeah. They were doing.
There's got to be a damn weight limit.
Yeah, you just can't. You can't have unlimited people
on the class. It's only like a inch and a half
thick, yeah. It's not, it's not an irrational
fear. It's like, my man, that's not
irrational. That's a totally.
Rational for and I'm thinking like is there a is there a zero?
Is there a chance that I plummetto my death?

(12:18):
What here is. What do you think the odds
makers would put the of you surviving?
Like from the time you walk in the building to the time walking
back out, like at at, you know, what do you think the odds are
that you could die? It's not 0 ministry that's
that's my. Problem.
It's not 0. It's not 0, it's greater than 0,
so. 1/2 percent. So we had to go in line to get

(12:38):
into these things. And the whole time, you know,
like the classic alarm on your cell phone that's like, yes.
And it's like going off and going off.
And I'm like, dude, whoever's cell phone that is, is driving.
Me or are you like, is that a sensor on the glass?
Exactly. We get up to this glass, I'm
like, I got to like try my hardest to go into this thing
just to get family pictures and say I did it, you know?

(12:59):
Yeah, I'm like, you can do this ball rock.
Oh wait, and now that you say that, you weren't in any of the
glass pictures, correct. I didn't even think about.
That it was. I have one with just my toe on
it. There was a handle on the wall
and I was like, I can't let go of this.
Like I have to continue. Holding it Was that scary, huh?
I was terrified, dude. You know what the alarms were?
We get up to the glass box and the kid goes, all right, here's

(13:20):
your family photo and I don't goout there.
And then he goes, alright, you guys now have 90 seconds to take
as many photos as you want. He starts a timer.
Ohh, is that what that was? All the timers are going off so
now I'm terrified and I'm on a clock like I'm in Mission
Impossible. So do they just kick you off of
there after night? You paid $104.00 for 90 seconds.
90. Our best?

(13:43):
Dude, it's don't. It's the biggest RIP off I've
ever done. Yeah, that's horrible.
Go to the Hancock Tower. There's a restaurant like the
86th floor. Order a flute of champagne.
You'll enjoy yourself more. Yeah, that's, that's ridiculous.
I, I would, I can't really complain about very much.
You know what I did? So we brought my daughter's
boyfriend and he was very cute trying to pay for stuff the
whole time. And I go listen to this,

(14:04):
especially as a guy. This is what may be the last
time you're he's 20. I mean, this will probably be
the last time in your life everything gets paid for.
Just do me a favor. Shut up.
Just cut it out. Just accept the free food.
Yeah, this is my official statement of we appreciate what
you're trying to pay. Yeah, and that could.
Think about how much money you have when you're. 20, not very
much. So you're so poor you're like,

(14:25):
there was a point where pride meant relief for him because,
like, pride wise, you want to pay for all your stuff.
And then eventually when he got comfortable, he said, Oh yeah,
I'm gonna grab that beef jerky. Like there's a certain point
where you're like, Oh, yeah, do you know?
How I knew when it was time to come home from Canada when I was
20. Like we would go over the border
to Windsor to drink. Ohh when I'm when my $20 ran out
that's 20 bucks. Exchange it to be like 27 and we

(14:51):
do like $5 pictures and when we were out of money, we went back.
That was it. We had no money.
Yeah, he, he, he was. I really did.
There was a point where I was like, no, you can't pay for
anything. And he would like.
So we stopped at Chick-fil-A onetime and I, I can't forget why I
waited, but the girls went in first.
Anyways, he had an opportunity to sneak off and he, he snuck

(15:13):
off and bought his own food because he was tired of me
paying. And I go, hey, what do you you
could've saved that 14 bucks. Yeah, cheap guy.
Maybe tip the bartender once or twice.
I. Mean I'm trying to accrue points
through the credit union. Let me put it on my card.
Were your kids sneaking booze? I.
Was so he? No, he's he doesn't drink.
My oldest daughter doesn't either.

(15:33):
However, what happens on the cruise stays on the cruise.
Yes, my daughter was. I have a video where I was
looking for her and I look down and she's in a bikini with a
mojito in her hand doing the cause on the pool deck.
They give everybody dance lessons.
She's in a crowd of like 40 people doing the salsa dance

(15:55):
with a cocktail like she's 37 years old.
You're like, should I be mad? Or proud I was she she was
having a couple cocktails. So I have a couple things I want
to say about Chicago. That piss, you know.
Does do this properly? You know, pisses me off off what
we were out to eat at Giordano's.
It's like the big pizza chain there.
And this is a quick one, but we're just.

(16:17):
Getting down. I'm so fat.
I've never been to Chicago and Iknow that place.
We're just getting done with dinner and you know how like
restaurants have like the breezeway or like the what do
you call that entryway? Or I I would call it a
breezeway. 2 doors. Yeah.
So that it, you know, you were in the Caribbean.
We were in 42° Chicago Gray and it was cold, like we were
wearing winter coats. And this group of people like

(16:40):
come up like like right next to our table and this guy tries to
go out that door that just opens.
It's like an emergency exit thatOh no, into the street.
And I immediately thought a pun.You know what pisses?
Me. You know what pisses me?
The door would have opened and like blown all the napkins off
our table. I would have speared that guy in
the Michigan Ave. I was.
Like was he sober? Just dumb.

(17:01):
People are just so. Inconsiderate dude.
You know, I, oh, didn't Lauren send you a list of my hatred for
driving? I we're going to do that as a
list. OK.
But he goes, dude, we're making a new list on the way to
Florida. People are so inconsiderate down
South. The driving.
You want to know what pisses me off?

(17:21):
When you get a freaking F-350 with AU haul trailer in the left
hand lane doing 60. And then I I wait and I'm trying
to be patient and courteous and finally I'm like, I'm passing
this dude. So I pass him.
You know what's in front of him?I'm dude in a pickup pole in a
boat. Why are you in the left lane?
There's people who drive in the left lane in that situation in.

(17:43):
It it's it is an irrational anger that I have.
It makes my hands. On the way to Chicago, I was
behind a guy and he's like barely going faster than the
semi in the right lane pond, andI'm like almost to the point
where I can go, yeah. And then he's slowed.
Down I'm I'm kidding. I'm gonna do it on purpose.
I'm gonna kill the guy. Do it on purpose.
Everyone else pisses me off about restaurants.

(18:05):
What? You get it sometimes around
here, but Chicago is a little hoity toidier.
I hate going to places. We were at Hairy Carey's where
they give you ketchup in a cup this big.
I'm like, dude, I'm white. Like a one.
OK, yeah, I'm gonna need. So I asked for extra ketchup.
I'm like, can I get more ketchup?
This isn't enough. I like a lot of ketchup.
Yeah. She brings me one additional

(18:26):
one. I was like, listen lady.
Harry Carey's turning over his grain.
Whatever bottle you got that ketchup out of, can you bring me
that bottle, please? Yeah, that's we were at the Shed
Museum. I wanted you guys there so badly
for this moment. Pun.
What's the coolest under under ocean?
What's the smartest, coolest under ocean animal there is?
Octopus. Octopus correct the answer.
There's this. Beautiful.

(18:47):
Octopus, I was very proud answering that.
Yes, I know this one. I know this one.
Of the tanks and it's like up inthe corner and you know how they
are like, you like, take turns like at a zoo.
Yeah. Pawn.
I can't describe these human beings.
In the Shedd Aquarium, there were three kids blocking the
entire display of the octopus, facing away from the display
having a conversation. With what are their parents
doing? The conversation was with their

(19:08):
parents who were in front of them.
Just chatting away, pawn. Just chatting away and pawn.
I'm not exaggerating. Kevin, if you don't, there was
a. Line.
There was a line that we were inthe front of of like 15 people
behind us to see this octopus. And these people were there for
at least 5 minutes. And I don't usually say stuff
out loud, but I'm like, wow, it's amazing.

(19:28):
That's an that's a majestic beast that everyone in line
would love to see. Did they even acknowledge it?
They. Didn't even acknowledge it, the
kids just kept talking about hist-ball game.
There are times. Past them go to like four more
exhibits and they're still thereupon.
I want to. Like murder.
Because I can't, I, I don't knowif it was the way they were

(19:48):
raised. I cannot be that inconsiderate.
Even if I'm angry at somebody, it's still me.
How do you go? How do you go through life?
Not is it? So my question is, is it
intentional? Are these people like just to
spite the rest of humans on earth?
They were standing there for so long and it was so awkward.
I was like, Steph, the mom's probably about to glue her hand

(20:10):
to the front of the cage for what do you call it?
I was like, this lady is about to glue her hand to the front of
this octopus cage in protest. I couldn't even think of the
word protest 'cause when you said it, my brain went to the
girlfriend. Girls with their boobs out.
Yeah. Last thing I'll say about
Chicago, we went to. So we went to some cool museums.
We didn't go to all the normals.We went to Museum of Illusions,
which I sent you some pictures of.

(20:31):
Yeah. Then my son's like, he likes
like the horror movies, you know, even though he's scared of
them all, Like he was asking youabout what was that movie?
Paranormal activity, Yeah. He's like if I watch Part 2 will
I be scared? But I, you know what I love?
I love that he's scared and he'sstill like, he's inquisitive
enough to be like, I mean, I'm probably going to do it, but
like, you think I'll die if I watch?

(20:52):
So he's like, Steph's looking upthese different museums and
there is a Museum of medieval torture in Chicago.
Do they have the devices? Yeah, we're like Steph and I are
like reading the reviews. We're like, dude, he's 12.
Should we? Is this like really
irresponsible parenting and. Then we hung him up by his ball
sack. Oh, no, Matt, you can't.
Look at this exhibit. They have an actual ball sack in

(21:14):
a fish hook. Max.
I know. No, we, we're we're gonna go.
We're gonna be the octopus kid. That.
Just looks like an. Exit.
That's why they were blocking the octopus.
Yeah, because the balls, they'relike, no one can see this.
That's so funny dude. They're just straight up

(21:35):
ignoring while you make rude comments.
I wish other people could see that ball sack.
It was so it was the the Museum of Torture was actually really,
actually turned out to be cool. I would suggest it to anybody
and we're going through and we're like, which one do you
think's the worst? Is it that one?
Is that one? There's some sick stuff.
Oh yeah. Like it's at the very end of the
thing. Was just a dude that was married

(21:56):
with brat kids and a bitch for a.
While that was the worst one, sorry I was a joke.
Getting into our errors and omissions section, our ES and
OS, I didn't know if you were going to come prepared with any
puns, so I did write a couple down.
Good, because I did not. From episode 68, how we would do

(22:17):
in our favorite movies. Oh I'm sorry, is this the
Tagalog? I just took a picture of Pun
with all the cookies I'm going to.
I'm going to clip his bare feet out and then post it on.
His, yeah, Thank you. How are we doing in our favorite
movies? I had Castaway on my list.
So if I was Tom Hanks and Castaway?
It's just been a jerkfest. You would have yanked that puppy

(22:39):
right off your body, I'll tell you that.
Right, I'm outside. That's awesome.
I wonder does the Internet work out?
Here while the waves are hittingmy feet.
No, I said. I said he he spoiler alert, he
lives. I would not.
Comes home to a horrible realization.
I know whoever wrote the end of that movie.
That was awful. Was in a bad mood.

(23:00):
He lives. I would have been like the first
sign of discomfort, like my lighter runs out of kerosene.
I'm jumping off the. Cliff Yeah, Yeah, that's it.
I'm gonna. Immediately jumping off.
The Cliff cut myself and then jump in the in the ocean.
Yeah, there's no well, there's better ways to dive.
Good God. Slowly eaten by shark.
Are you got any more cruise stories for me?
I really, so my kids are older, you know, my youngest is 13, but

(23:22):
Lauren's daughter is is turning 8 on Monday, so she was 7.
Is that how age works? You're trying to over explain
things like am I still talking to the seven-year old?
Is that I forgot how when parents go on vacation when's.
She going to be after she's donebeing 8.

(23:43):
I'm confused. I think she'll be 8 1/2.
I it for parents with young kidsit is still work.
Trip versus a vacation. Needed constant, you know, she's
young and she wants to play and she's like fun play kids.
Which is fine. Which is fine, but I did feel, I
did feel bad. And, you know, I would normally

(24:04):
stay back, but there were a couple of times where, like, I
think I'm gonna stay with boys. Chris, I need to hit that water
slide real quick. You know, I I realized how much
more of a better. Did you go falling overboard?
I. I realized how much of A better
parent that Lauren is than I because, like, my kids are,

(24:27):
well, Brianna's 819. Yeah, it's so it's like
different. Phase, so different phases of
life. There were like, you know,
Cameron was was hitting me up for money or Brianna, would you
know, there were like, hey, can we go snorkeling?
Yeah, why don't I just I could have pre booked it before the
cruise. You said you didn't want to go
snorkeling. Now it's nine times the price.

(24:47):
How about we all go? Snorkeling that they do, they do
get you that way. Yeah, that's, that's the adult.
Dad could have got 15% off. I could have got points for
that. Yeah, it's not just you, though.
It's phase of life. Ask me if I was a better dad
five years ago than I am now. There's no doubt.
Yeah, five years ago. Yeah, there's no question.
Because you just get out of the phase of you're taking care of

(25:09):
A7 year. Old I just had a conversation
with Jackson yesterday where I'mlike, I think I even said I
don't want to constantly be yourparent, even though that's.
Exactly what I am. What I meant was I don't want to
micromanage it. You know, you're old enough now
to do some stuff. I don't come independence.
I did and I and I was in the middle of a heated conversation,

(25:31):
so I couldn't laugh, but I was like, did I just say I don't?
I meant I don't want to manage you.
I. Don't want to be your parent all
the. Time, just like sometimes.
Can you go back with your mom forget I'm existing get into our
sports section. We don't have to talk a ton of
sports. But when I go on vacations like

(25:53):
I was, do you go I go into like a sports time warp like I lose
complete track of. Oh yeah, I did.
Yeah. It like makes sense to me that
the like Miami teams, the fan base is crap.
Like the Marlins, the Dolphins, the Heat, like no one cares
about teams down there. Nope.
You know why? Because they live off A1A.
Florida's. Yeah, because Florida's awesome.
Yeah, they're at the beach. Who cares about us?

(26:13):
When I'm on vacation I lose complete track.
Of the only reason I did not wasMarch Madness.
Who won the tournament? Florida.
I told you Uconn's women's were going to win.
I told you. I told you Paige and AZ were
getting a shit win. Oh, they won't.
They slaughtered. Everyone watered it wasn't even.
Close. Yeah, the men's side.

(26:34):
Have you ever you you might you,You guys were home already.
The Duke loss. We were.
We were out for my sister's 40thbirthday.
Which I wasn't invited to by theway it.
Was weird, told her to invite you.
Wow, the Duke loss was as bad ofa loss I've ever seen in sports.
Yeah, I I went to bed. When they were up like 7 with 32

(26:55):
seconds left or something. I I went to, I went to bed, they
were up and when I woke up and they lost, I was like, what the
same thing with the Florida gamethough.
I went to bed and Florida was getting.
They were down by 12 in the in Florida.
Was getting worked with Houston.I don't even I still don't know
how they won that game. I watched the whole thing and I
still doesn't make sense to me. Yeah, they were losing for like
38 minutes and 50 seconds of theentire.

(27:18):
Game I went to bed and was like,wow, I can't believe Houston
actually won. That you know what bothers me
about the the way Houston plays.This probably doesn't bother
you, but you're stronger than mewith the ball.
Houston plays quote good defense, but they foul everybody
away from the ball non-stop. Yeah, I, I.
It makes it unwatchable. Shit, it's like that.
It's like that trap in hockey that got outlawed.

(27:39):
What was it? Neutral zone trap?
Yeah, they just mug everybody away from the ball and I can't
stand it. I don't like it only because you
look, it kills the flow of the kick.
I don't want Lauren. We were.
We went out to eat Duke Verse, who did Duke beat to get to the
final 40? Anyways, we're watching and
she's like, Oh my God, I feel like it's been the final two

(28:00):
minutes for 20 minutes and I'm like, it's unwatchable when it
takes 30 minutes for the last two minutes.
I. Know and you know that's a
problem when guys start complaining about it because
that's like such a chick. And I was buzzed and I was like,
oh, this is getting dreadful. I was watching that final game
and what's the guy's name? The guard from Florida?
Walter Clayton. Yeah, Clayton.
He was having, they were saying Walter Clayton's off his game.

(28:22):
He's having a bad game. That's because every time he
would pass the ball from the point and try to make a cut,
they were just like forearm and back outside the three-point and
they would not let him even run.It was.
Great if you're a coach. Yeah, it's great, if not so
great if you're. The opposing Kelvin Sampson,
such a great defensive coach that he's like, hey, just hold
everybody, mug everybody a favor, check them all.
When that kid comes through the lane, punch him in the nut.

(28:42):
Can't. I can't stand watching games
like that, to be honest with you.
The last thing about the championship game, I think I
meant to mention this before. You know what really annoys me
is when they play in those stadiums, how the benches are
down aesthetically. It looks all Yeah, it's all you
can focus on. It's so displeasing, like
college, college basketball, Like one of the images I have in
my head is someone hits a big three and the whole bench is

(29:04):
holding arms, jumping up and down.
They're like right on the court with you.
It like pushes that all away from the court.
The only time that didn't botherme was the aircraft carrier.
Who did? Michigan State.
Didn't they play North Carolina?They did in Germany.
And I feel like the seats were alittle down, the court was
elevated a little bit. I I feel like I remember that
but. Usually 10 years ago, that was
a. Long time ago but I seen

(29:25):
pictures from that recently in it.
I forgot how cool it was when the sun was setting.
Oh dude. Aircraft cracker game.
I'm surprised I didn't become a thing.
Didn't they do another one? They might have, but it should
be an annual thing. Should be an annual thing, I
agree. A couple things on NBAI got I
hate talking about NBA coaches because I really could care less
and I don't know the names of most of them.
Luca got traded while we were away, right?

(29:46):
No, he got traded before you left.
No, no, but I mean we haven't done a podcast since he got
traded. I think we did and we like kind
of skipped over. It did we.
A Luca trade is so bad. You know the conspiracy behind
it with them, it's not the Fratitas who own the Mavs, but
it's somebody who owns the. Cuban, but he doesn't.
He's yeah, he sold it to the controlling partner is somebody

(30:10):
who owns casinos. The thought was they want to
tank Lucidity interest so they can build a casino attached, get
the casino approved to the NBA team.
So they traded their superstar to just kind of like, tell the
fans to piss off. Because they're gonna make more
money on the casino. That's if that's true, that's
sick. That's sick.
Do you know Vegas is building anNBA arena north of Fountain

(30:33):
Blue? Are they?
And it's gonna have a casino attached to it.
I was like Anne Hotel. I was like, Oh my God, I I read
something that said the Luca trade reminded people of when
the Pistons traded Chauncey Billups for Allen Iverson.
Because it was like I felt like that was the them admitting they
wanted to tear down. Maybe, but Billups was a beloved
character. I mean, did you see the scene in

(30:54):
Dallas when the Lakers played Dallas the other day and Luca
was like almost sobbing on the sideline pregame?
I was like this is like. Tough to walk.
Did I send that picture to the group chat with you and Russo?
Were Luke Lucas face when I was like dude he's about to
annihilate Daviless every time they play.
I mean, he did he he lit him up for 46 I think.

(31:16):
He's lost the crap ton of weighttoo.
He's like I'm telling. You on a mission?
On a mission, they broke that dude's heart.
Yeah, like he legitimately lookslike his heart's.
Broke and and a lot of times people are like, oh, I don't
feel bad for athletes. They make bajillions of dollars.
But like he was saying, he's like, I came here when I was 18.
Would it cost from America? I was like learning how to live
in this country with these people.
He can't get the supermax now They they cost him like $140

(31:38):
million. Yeah.
It's that that is disgusting. To your franchise player in his
prime. That's a big middle finger to
your fans. Dude, yeah, it was.
Imagine if the Pistons went traded.
I mean, the Pistons are not The Mavericks and Kate Cunningham is
not Luca, but imagine if they just traded Kate Cunningham for
name. Ageing superstar here that's
going to be out of league in twoyears.

(31:59):
I mean, they get. They trade Kade for LeBron James
right now. We'd be furious.
You would lose your mind, yeah. Yeah, we got the Brown James
just quickly the coaches and theNBA getting fired.
You see Michael Malone of the. Yep.
I mean, fantastic. Coach the Nuggets.
I don't understand it. This here says four of the last
six teams to win a title have since fired their coach.

(32:20):
You know why? And Paul, these are small market
teams. They don't even.
It's because the athletes are sosoft.
Mike Malone's like a legitimate hard.
Hard, yeah. He's a hard nosed coach.
So Jokic doesn't like him. No, they said.
Jokic likes him, but sometimes he thought he was being a little
too hard on the team. Cry me a river dude.
I just can't believe so listen to these teams.
Nick Nurse fired from the Raptors, who won it in 19 and.

(32:41):
Nick Nurse, just the coach of the year he was.
The coach of the year. But you're the Toronto Raptors
actors, yeah? Like, oh wait, they, no, they
won the title immediately after,didn't they?
No, they won it with him. They.
Won it with. It OK, that's right, Frank Vogel
with the Lakers 2020 we get. It we can understand.
Everybody yeah, Mike Budenholzerwith the box 2021 like
Milwaukee, you won it with Kareem Abdul Jabbar and not and

(33:03):
yeah, like you stop getting too ahead of your skates, man.
These small market teams need torealize that they're not.
They're not gonna level up like the Boston Celtics and the
Lakers. No.
Even the Pistons can't. The Celtics run is isn't just.
Crazy. And then Malone with the
Nuggets. I guess we did it.
Chuck Daley got fired after. Yeah, that's true.
But I think when Larry Brown wonit in 04, he could have done

(33:24):
whatever. He wanted.
We were pissed when they fired Rick Carlisle for Larry.
Brown for Larry Brown. We're like, what are you doing?
Carlisle's young, he's fantastic, but that was actually
a smart. Move.
He was the coach of The Mavericks when they won it,
right? Yep.
I think that's all I got for, oh, just quickly, the Gretzky
record was broken. I kind of kind of hurt my heart
a little bit. Yeah.
Like, I like Ovetchkin because he's a physical player, but I

(33:46):
don't know, I think because of the fact that Gretzky was his
points record is so much bigger than Ovetchkin.
Yeah, and the crazy thing about Gretzky I didn't realize was
like the majority of his scoringstopped at like 33.
That's right. I saw one of those things on
Facebook that showed like the trajectory of both of their
goals and Gretzky's curve is like up and over, and Ovechkin's

(34:07):
is like a straight line, straight line.
He just ran him down. Yeah.
That was the longevity versus the greatness.
But what I do love about Ovechkin getting it is like, do
you remember when like Emmett Smith broke the all time rushing
record and he was like an Arizona Cardinal or?
Something he was a cardinal. Russian for like 600 yards a
year. Ovie's on his original team.
Yeah, and still scoring at a high level.

(34:29):
Dude, he's one of the best players in the league.
Yeah, he's got like 44 goals. Yeah, they're the one seed in
their count. That's why I'm not mad about it.
I'm not annoyed at all. Mad at all?
I like Ovie. It's just it was one of those
records you thought was gonna last forever.
Last thing I'll say on the Gretzky thing cuz I I jotted
down a stat here. Gretzky started off.
Gretzky scored his 1001 thousandth point, not goal

(34:51):
points, 1000 points. In his 424th game, he was 23 and
he had 1000 points. It's insanity.
For perspective, the best playeron the wings is Dylan Arkin.
He's like what, an 80 point scorer?
Ten seasons in the league, 568. Points he's he's.
He's a 56 pointer a. Year, he's 725 games, so he's

(35:16):
got almost double the games and he's got half the points,
Gretzky. Insanity.
Yeah. Alright, it's list time, baby.
Let's do it. And this weeks list is the
talents we wish we had. There's not many that I wish I
had, but I'll tell you the number one no.
I can say that. Imagine having I'm not a very
talented person. I'm kind of funny, kind of

(35:38):
funny, pretty jovial, but imagine having a talent that
other people envy. Oh, what?
A weird feeling that would be. I think we, I think my #1 is
going to be the same That was for superpowers.
I think maybe 'cause I, I was, Iused a talent that for
superpowers, but it's really a talent.
Well let me tell you, imagine I typed this and I said now

(36:00):
imagine having a talent that other people don't envy.
I do like like there's several 100.
Does anyone ever look at someoneand be like, is 1 hell of a
seamstress? Yeah, like that's a talent.
I was looking up the different types of talents and I'm like,
man, you gotta be sitting there going.
I could have been Caitlin Clark or or a.

(36:20):
Seamstress. And God gave me seamstress and
you know those people that are just good at everything, Yes.
Like you're just, it's not even a talent.
Earl Hooks guys. Fantastic, I got it.
Typed out right here like Earl like.
Earl guys graded everything. Watching his Facebook page, the
guy hits a 300 game in bowling every other week.
Below average love maker? Not that I know.
Not that I know. I don't know well.

(36:41):
That was my Third Point. Can you imagine me to pleasure a
woman? I.
Got, I don't know, maybe Earl. Good night.
Earl let us know. I got one of those.
Cousin. My cousin Mike is good at every
sport he plays. Yeah, We were at my dad's house.
We're playing horseshoes in the backyard.
And he's like, I've never playedhorseshoes in my life.
How's this work? And I explained the scoring to

(37:01):
him. He picks up a horseshoe.
Ringer. Ringer.
Obnoxious. I hate your guts.
Yeah. You're like, hey, you want to
play beer pong? And he does not miss.
Yeah. The beer pong game lasts 5
seconds and. You're blackout drunk, this guy.
What are you good at? Uno?
That's so. Funny you said Earl Hooks.
I have him on the show. My number one would undoubtedly
be singing. If I could sing, I would be

(37:25):
obnoxious and I wouldn't even like I wouldn't always do it.
But I would You Can't Sing. You're obnoxious.
'Cause I'm a shit. Well, I would do it in ways
where like, I would only do it when crowds are around where I
bet. Oh, there's a piano in this
restaurant. What do you know?
They're like, oh God, he's doingFrank Sinatra.

(37:45):
Let me just destroy your guys's brains with how good.
I would like join, I would scoutkaraoke competitions for like
dudes who are like, oh, he's a good karaoke singer and like,
he's got a little crowd. And I would just Aretha Franklin
him out of the building and then, oh, sorry, didn't know I
could sing excuse. Me Which way to pick up my
Grammy yeah just put them all intheir place I.

(38:08):
Would I would invite my friends over and make sure I was in the
shower so I so that they would think they'd caught me singing
in the shower, but it was all playing this whole time.
It's like, Oh my God, I never knew we could.
Sing You sound like an absolute.Angel, it's like it sounds like
I'm showering with Mariah Carey.I should.
Pun be on The Voice. You're like, what the heck
should? Pun be on American Idol, I put

(38:29):
on here singing too, but not because not necessarily because
of those reasons. I actually said if you're in a
band, what do you want to do andsing?
I mean, singers get all the. Attention.
Yeah. Or drummers.
I'm not saying I would work favor players, so that I think
that's an important distinction in the list.
We're not saying we would be themost famous singer, just
something that you're good at. Yeah, just something you're good
at. Yeah, because I don't want to be

(38:49):
Chris Brown. I don't need, I don't need to
win American Idol. Although when Pun was in the
Caribbean, I hadn't seen him in a month.
Yeah. And I did hear Kelly Clarks on
the radio, and it made me miss you because she was like, I was
gonna. Miss Pun.
But yeah, it's gotta be either 'cause I I think the drums would
be the most fun to play. I think guitar but drums is up.
You know, I would love imagine, imagine taking Lauren out for

(39:12):
dinner and there's a piano at a restaurant.
You just flex. And you just might show the hell
out of her. Yeah, Yeah.
And everybody in the restaurant's like, look how
lucky that girl. Oh my God, is she dating
Beethoven? And meanwhile, puns is tapping
away. Yeah, All right.
So my first one would be I put II'd like to be a little bit
smarter pun. I feel like I'm relatively

(39:34):
intelligent, but like to get my degree.
Go ahead. Like people point out how
freakishly like this is, how smart you want to be where
people are like dude what is wrong with that guy?
How could he possibly know that?I don't want to be like genius
level. What I want to be is someone who
I typed here. First of all, shout out to the

(39:55):
corporate head of marketing. I probably don't get out of
college without Santi because heis the smart guy.
I just had to work so hard to get my degree.
Like I had to bust my absolute ass.
I wasn't one of those guys that just went to class and I was
like, everything that that Japanese professor just told me
makes perfect sense. That was never me.
Like you always were surprised every time you got a passing
grade. Yeah, like I whoop.

(40:16):
Wow are. You kidding?
That's. Right I what you got?
I I wrote. I started writing this list at
the beginning of the week. Got that wrote down someone.
Someone messaged me that by the way.
Wrote down. Yeah, my sister.
Go ahead. I want to know what I was going
through when I wrote this down because it says when, what?
Go ahead. No, you go ahead.

(40:36):
It it says I I wish I had the talent to stop saying dumb shit
all the time when Lauren when I talk to Lauren.
So what did that? What was I saying?
She calls, you call her the phone from work and she's like
drive safely. Dumb, dumb.
I just constantly find a way to say things that she's like, what
is wrong with you? What is wrong with this guy?
Also, I have salsa lessons. That's not for my talent, but I

(41:00):
had that rope for appetizers andI don't know why.
Where was I going to go with that salsa?
Because it's on my list. Salsa lessons dance.
Damn it, that's on my I'll just.Go to the next one.
Alright, so the next one on my list, and this is a stupid one,
but again, this isn't something I'm getting famous off, but have
you ever been to a wedding? I mean, we're white.
No, I've never been to a wedding.

(41:20):
What do you turn after your 7-8?That's the dumb shit you say to
Lauren. Constantly.
I constantly say things where I like, I think I'm talking to
children and you're like, hey, I'm a full grown adult.
You're like how? Time works.
You're like, listen, Lauren, just bear with me.
I'm gonna make a good point eventually.
So have you ever been to a wedding where there's someone
that knows how to dance at a wedding and you're like damn

(41:42):
dude, like how? Fun.
The envy is very real for those people.
Cause for white boys like us. Yeah, we don't have rhythm.
We gotta get pretty intoxicated before we got the bravery to go
out there. And then we're not even dancing,
we're just. We're I don't know.
We're expressing ourselves in inways that make other people
laugh. That's you know.
We're expressing ourselves in ways that get us out on a
social. Media rhythmically.

(42:04):
Is that a word? Yeah.
Rhythmically, rhythmically, I said I want to dance good enough
just to not end up in some real that goes viral on.
Social media, yeah, dancing's also on my list.
I I agree. And not the same thing with
singing. I would not dance all the time,
but I would make sure it's in spectacular fashion.
Like at a wedding. Absolutely.
Or at a corporate event where noone knows You Can Dance and

(42:25):
you're like, hey, hit it. Absolutely something.
With a boom box, Carlton has a boom.
Box, I've ripped my tuxedo off and I just have a full warm up
on. Yeah.
Yeah, I used to date a girl who had three cousins that could
full blown break dance. So I went to, like, a family
wedding with them. And these dudes are, like, doing
things that you can't imagine the human body can do.

(42:48):
Yeah. And one of them had a little
kid, a little boy, and he looks like he was about 5.
Could he dance? And they taught him like 3 moves
and unbelievable. I was like, if that guy happens
to be a single father, all he has to do is take his son
dancing anywhere and Oh yeah, are just.
Throwing themselves. I would shove that kid over if I
was walking through. Walking through.
That move walking through that salsa line.

(43:08):
You said salsa dancing though. Yeah.
Is there a sexier thing you can do on a date than go go get
salsa lessons for you and Laura,that's what.
We're do we are going to do thatto you.
Yeah. Yeah, we really are taking salsa
lessons. And you're going to feel very.
White and I want to, I want to break it out when it's least
expected. We're going to be at a real
junker hole in the wall called the Gold Star.

(43:29):
No, you're doing it at your daughter's graduation party.
And I'm going to be in. I love that dude.
The. Napoleon Dynamite dance.
You're going to go to those lessons like, hi, I'm Chris.
And he's going to be like, ma'am, now hold my.
Papas, if I could grow the dance, if I could grow hair, I
swear to you I would slick it back.
Yeah, you got to have the fiercefew buttons on buttons, yes.

(43:51):
Oh yes. Oh yeah.
Oh yeah. What else do I got on mine?
I said this isn't a talent pun, and you can probably relate
since you're bald. This isn't a talent.
But man, sometimes I wish I had,like, you know, those people
that have really good hair. Yeah.
You're seeing Andy with the goodhair.
Never see a dude and you're like, man, that guys got.
Like, yeah, Lorenzo Lamas. Yeah, Lorenzo, Lorenzo.

(44:12):
Ryan, the aforementioned Ryan Gosling.
Yeah, I've never been envious ofhaving a luscious head of hair.
I've always buzz cut it. Except when I had the Street
Fighter guile. But and to God, yes I did.
You never seen that? These pictures that you like.
Kyle, listen, you think my turtleneck sweaters?
Puns Pun, You have owned the bald head for a long time.

(44:35):
A long time. Pun wears it well.
Even, you know, it's funny, as Iwas shaving my head even before
I realized I was going bald. And then one day I was shaving
my head and I was like, oh wait,are you actually bald?
Yeah. It was like you just like skips
over. I'm not not bust cutting
anything. Just skips over the top section.
Cut my hair in nine years, then there's nothing.
You got a lot, or should I keep reeling?
Them all I have my next one is fighting at like an elite level

(45:01):
fighting so that way I could be out at a bar and be like hey,
you Samoans in the corner all six of you are you're about to
die you're about to die I. Don't want to be a great fighter
but I've always said I should like learn some basics to defend
Stephanie. Yeah, your family's honor.
Yeah, my family, yeah. She's enough to do Steven Seagal

(45:21):
movie. You know what?
If that guy dumps a drink on Steph and just karate chaps you
in the throat and you dropped your knees like Oh yeah.
And the next morning I'm like, expecting more papers.
Max is. Sitting on the couch looking at
you and you walk in and go. He's like, he used to be my
hero, baby. You are pathetic, dad.
I always say when, like if we'reout in public, I'm not a great

(45:42):
fighter, but I'm brave so. Yeah, that's all it takes.
I'm always like Steph, I'll justthrow myself a danger and you
run the opposite direction. Why you carry a firearm or a
knife? Yeah, when we were walking by
that crackhead park over by the Masonic Temple for a wedding
crackhead park, there's some crackies coming up to us.
And I was like, Steph, cover your mouth and run.
Yeah, yeah, I'm going to try to get out of this without.
Having If you hear me scream, don't look back.

(46:02):
How about this one is actually something that would be cool to
be really, really good at and just to be like funny.
Like I feel like I'm funny enough to make people laugh in
conversation, but how about the people that do stand up
successfully are like next? Level, yeah.
I wanted to ask you of all the like big fames you could have.
Music, comedy, acting, sports. Am I forgetting a big one?

(46:27):
Singing, acting, sports. Comedy.
Comedy. I would.
Those are the big venues people go see you.
At I would pick comedy. You would pick comedy, like
which one is the biggest? Fame be only because I think
singing. If I could pick one real talent,
I would probably pick singing because I it's I I just think
it's the coolest. But to be known as, I think

(46:50):
comedy would be the because theyseem the most down to earth,
It's the most relatable. And it's also underwhelming in a
way that I like that people don't realize how much work it
takes for like a successful comedian.
People really have no idea how much freaking work Kevin Hart or
Eddie Murphy or Dave. They don't understand how the

(47:10):
level of funny that those peopleare.
Young comedians don't even get it.
No, you think I'm going to write4 jokes and make some kind of
1/2 an hour special? You're like in a different
stratosphere from. Those and I love the humility in
it that not a lot of people understand.
You know, I like, I like it thatyou have a a real superpower
that not a lot of people know about.
I remember seeing a Saturday Night Live special on Chris

(47:31):
Farley and they were like, he had, quote, big American fame.
Like he was like larger than life.
Everybody knew who Chris Farley was and he made people laugh.
And I was like, God, that would be like.
The best? Superpower But then also,
haven't you ever been to a concert?
I mean, music is like, so I don't even know what word to

(47:51):
use, like moving. I mean, you go to there's like
songs people love. Yeah, people love music.
Imagine the world without music.I know, and that's maybe why I
didn't pick it, 'cause it was, it feels a little more
performative. But that's a weird thing to say,
even though 'cause comedy is very performative.
It is. But I feel like you almost gotta
be, like, sexy when you're a singer.
You gotta be like dramatic comedy.
I feel like you could really be Andy.

(48:12):
Yeah, And you know what I mean? And just like, say funny shit
all the time. Yeah, like Nate, Bargatzi seems
more approachable. More approachable than, like,
Mick Jagger. Mick Jagger exactly right.
Mick Jagger has to always be Mick Jagger in public.
Where like, yeah, Nate Bargatzi's probably really
similar to his character. Yeah.
Like and easily it's not. I mean I would love to be an
athlete, but sports, like you can go to a different market and

(48:35):
no one gives a crap who Kate Cunningham is or football
Hutchinson. Football players, I think, get
away with it because they're always wearing a helmet.
You. Know and then acting like actors
are huge, but they're not accessible at all.
And they all also seem like the most dysfunctional human beings
on earth. Oh yeah, they seem so out of
touch with they. Seem like the most awful.
Human, the most awful. Awful.
Yeah. Last week, after we said the

(48:55):
movies we would be good in or what we would do in our favorite
movies, at the end in Goodbyes, I said Sean.
I was like, hey, you think Brad Pitt loves any of those kids
he's adopted? No, I, I really think like
there's no way if if you're a comedian and you're like a bad
person, it's because you got a drug problem probably.
But if you're an actor and you're a bad person, I think

(49:16):
they do horrible things. If you were to, if you were to
approach those four people, who do you think would be the rudest
and meanest in order? Singer, actor, athlete,
comedian. I think singer and actor would
be 1A and 1B and then athlete would be third and the comedian
would be I. Completely agree.
I'd put actor first though. Yeah, yeah.

(49:38):
All right. My next one is and this one.
We talk about losing weight all the time.
Pawn. I wish I was a good cook.
Oh yeah, like a. Sous chef guy that like knows
just how to make anything. Also, that's one of the sexiest
qualities you could possibly a man or woman can have.
Like if you got somebody who canreally cook and is passionate
about it. Date night.

(49:58):
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fantastic.
And they make the plate look very attractive too.
Present presentation I. Feel like they have their lives
together. When you can put together a
plate. You're like this dude.
Really. Like he's got a shit together.
I mean like I understand how heat works and.
Yeah, yeah. But that's I I microwaved 4
large eggs today in the microwave.

(50:20):
Yeah. Guess what I have for dinner
every night? Chicken with olive oil and a
sauteed. 1000% like. Yeah, just you get.
I'm like, imagine just being able to make yourself anything
you want. The fun you'd be.
Eating healthy and you'd be eating amazing.
Lauren is the cook for everything.
She's she. Lauren is like she's a good
enough cook where she can like venture and do things where I'm

(50:42):
the chicken guy in the house where she's like, you cook
chicken way better and I'm like,it's the only thing I know how
to do. I don't I've been doing it for
25. All I know how to do with I can
cook a steak on the although youknow what, all right, let me say
cooking meat over fire is the only skill in cooking that I
have. I cook you a mean steak, Yes,
but like. Grilling that's like, but that

(51:04):
sort of as a talent. I guess but like I can watch a
clock at 5 minutes, I flip the steak the other 5 minutes but I
can get the grill marks. Right.
I'm telling you, my son's into the cooking stuff now.
We watch the episode. I was like, let's watch this
show, Chop. So the other night, the three of
us watched Chop stopped and theywere like, OK, chef's your
appetizer. I think it was like the first
episode ever. He was like, your appetizer has
to be made of these ingredients.And it was like baby octopus.

(51:27):
Yeah, balsamic vinegar elbow, like ginger.
And I was like. Steph was like, what would you
do? I was like you'd have grilled
octopus with ginger and balsamic.
My time would run out because I'd be looking for ginger.
Where do you get that at CVS? I've been there.
No, they give it to you. Ohh.
I've I've been sitting just holding a raw tentacle at the
end of the 30 minutes minutes like I didn't know what to do.

(51:48):
No, cooking is I'm, I, I wish I would have thought of that
'cause that really that that would be very high on my list,
'cause I think people who can cook are like, yeah, real
superheroes. I did sports and, and it
wouldn't matter if it was football or basketball, probably
preferably basketball, but like elite level athletics, like I, I
would. I just want to experience one

(52:09):
time. Yeah.
Could you, I mean, what does it feel like to be with, to throw a
football? And to be treated like an
athlete. Oh yeah, like a guy.
I just, I I just want to know like I want one time to just
know that feeling of like I can dunk from the free throw line.
Yeah. What does like what does gliding
through the air feel like? Or I could throw this football
6570, a 100 yard. What does it feel like to throw

(52:32):
an 80 yard spiral? Rope on a rope journeys.
Yeah, but what does that feel like?
What does it feel like to throw a baseball at 100 miles an hour?
How about this, Think about this.
What does it feel like to be a high school kid that's so good
at sports that you get Division One letters to your house?
Yeah. It's like, could you imagine if
Kentucky was like, Chris, we want you to come play for us?
And you'd be like, I mean, that's like a different.

(52:55):
Is a different stratosphere. Yeah, different stratosphere.
I have one sport on mine. I put cricket.
No, we're watching it right now.I don't.
I mean, I said on the our dream jobs, I don't want to be a
golfer because they have the best lives.
They never see the snow. Yeah.
I just want to be like a little bit better at golf.
I'm like functional that I can play with people because I don't
slow them down. But I'm not good.

(53:16):
Yeah. And it's like I enjoy getting
out away from my family and drinking beer in the sun for.
Four. That sounds horrible.
But could you imagine if you're like shooting in so par 72, I'd
shoot like 95 to 100 range. Yeah, if I shot in the low 80s,
I would be obsessed with golf. I'd want to do it all the time
like Earl. Like Earl the guy.

(53:37):
I just, I just wanted to be a little bit better so I could
enjoy it a little bit more because I do enjoy.
Golf, and it's also kind of braggadocious too, like because
how much do you play golf, maybe?
Nowadays 3 * a. Year 3 * a year, never.
But the three times you do play where you're like, you shoot an
80 and people are like, what in the hell?
I. Appreciate you giving me credit

(53:58):
for shooting an 80 pun. I've shot 89 twice in my life
and that was it. I haven't even come close to
par. Yeah.
How about, oh, I have this one for sport.
This isn't really sports, but how about I wish I was better at
running because you need cardio.I want to be in good shape all
the time, but I I hate running. Yeah.
And people say anybody can be a runner.

(54:20):
You just got to do this and train.
There are people that are good at running and there are people
like me that it's like torture. Yeah, I mean, even with like a
podcast or there's nothing that can mine.
I know where you're going with. That there's nothing that can
mine numb you enough to enjoy running.
Yeah, mine numb you enough to not be watching the.
Clock to not be miserable. How far am I now?
That's the secret, but that's how That's how much running

(54:42):
sucks. It's like you gotta, you have to
find something enough to where you're not watching the clock
and then you've broke the that'sthe nature, that's the code.
You just have to not hate it enough to watch the clock.
But like how? OK.
That's the secret to every hard thing.
If you were to run a 5K right now, 3.1 miles, how many miles
into it would you be before you started to go?
This sucks, I wanna walk. Oh shit, I'm gonna shoot

(55:04):
immediately. But I wouldn't.
I was. Gonna put mine 1/2.
I would, I mean, I would run thewhole time, but I in mentally, I
bet you the moment that the crowd like, you know, the start
line, the moment that that fizzled out, I'd be like, I
don't even want to do this. Oh yeah, I really don't even
want to be the. Beginning of the Detroit Half
Marathon. The marathon's tough, but that

(55:25):
starting line's awesome. There's like thousands of
people, hundreds of people linedup to go.
Through I'd be running 3 minute miles and at the start line
you're running for 1/2 block. And next thing you know, you're
running up the tunnel from into Windsor or back from Windsor,
and it's sweaty and nasty in there and you're like, I want to
be done. But I would like, I would play
mental tricks no matter how far I was running.

(55:46):
If I signed up for something where I would just pretend there
was somebody with a camera watching me the whole time, that
when's this gonna quit? When's this gonna quit?
But you know that there's peoplethat are good at running that
can, Oh yeah, destroy you all the time.
Like you can't say it's not a talent if it's like some guy
from Kenya. I, you know, I did wins it every
year. I didn't realize I was.
I was watching some controversy about marathon guys and they're

(56:08):
not allowed to wear certain shoes, certain Nikes, OK.
And they were showing why everybody's like, what?
Who cares? It's just got extra padding.
But then they bend it and then one flies across the room and
the other one only flies halfwayacross the room.
So the extra spring in their setsprings you.
Because dudes are like breaking 4 minute mind.
Same thing with golf equipment, like yeah Tiger Woods hit the

(56:28):
ball 100 yards further than JackNicklaus cause Jack was playing
with wood clubs. Right, right.
And tigers using titanium? That's like on a space shuttle.
Right, but I mean, if like if the how you defined golf was by
yards, you could just couldn't compare the two.
That's that's why with running like time is everything.
I actually thought about 'cause I was like, I was like looking
up what talents there are. Like, I was like, what if you
were like, like, good? Is that when I thought about

(56:50):
running, I thought about swimming, and I was like,
running is so much cooler than swimming.
Like who's cooler, Michael Phelps or Usain Bolt?
Oh man. Usain Bolt, you're that picture
of him going across the. Finish.
Yeah, but you're also we never, well, you you mentioned two of
the greatest and like we never seen something like Usain Bolt,
but we really never seen anything like Michael.
Phelps, oh Michael Phelps is by a lot of people consider the

(57:11):
greatest athlete ever, ever to live.
Yeah, and he's also like a University of Michigan guy.
But did you know if you and I were with you the same Bolt?
And we were like, we were like getting out of our car to go to
a restaurant. He'd be like at the table while
we were still closing the door. Like he just he would just walk
faster than everybody. He would just move in a
different. That's why I want to feel that
athleticism. What, like I just, what does

(57:32):
that feel like to run that fast?Just to like be like, hey, let's
go run around the block real quick.
And then you actually get to feel what that feels like.
I see the meme every year they say at the Olympics this year
they should put average Joe's running the events next to OH.
God, could you imagine me tryingto hurdle dude?
I would have one of those tall ice creams.

(57:53):
I'm like, that's too much. I thought we were literally on
vacation. Why are we doing this?
Lawrence said you wouldn't make it over the hurdle because of
that moose knuckle. You don't want to catch that
thing on a fence, all right? You got anything else?
No, that's. It the only other talents I even

(58:15):
could think of was. Yodelin.
Yodeling, we went through was singing.
What about an elite level yoyor?Can you do a catch in the
cradle? How about drawing?
Would you want to be a good yes like I, I actually have no
interest. In I do I.
Do I like don't care that I'm not good at?
It I was the worst wannabe drawer ever as a teenager

(58:37):
because I would draw things in abusy.
In art Class Pawn, I could draw the 3D house with the tree on
the left side or only half a tree with the owl hole and then
the sun up in the top right corner.
Good enough for me. Stephanie's really good at
drawing, so like if we go to a birthday party, she always is
the person that writes the person's name on the card.
And then she draws a flower and I'm like.
How do you do that? Don't.

(58:57):
Isn't that like cooking though? Where it's like you meant you
like subconsciously like hold those people in slightly higher
regard if they can cook and drawIf you the drawing is like you
know. What it made me think of is it's
Stephanie's handwriting. Looks like art.
Yeah, mine looks like a kid thatdidn't get out of the third.
Grade dude. That's why when she tells me to

(59:18):
fill out a card, I'm like, no, they have to be.
Able to do you think you're like?
I wonder how many other good hidden things?
I wonder how many other hidden things you're good at.
Yeah, she's, trust me, she's good at.
Play. The last thing I got on my list
is I would sort of. I think it'd be cool to be a
writer. Like author.
Yeah, like an author, like imagine this would have to be

(59:38):
something that you're really good at or.
Like the article is on Playboy. Like just a long piece.
She was reaching for the Tupperware.
And then I said I. Saw her midriff.
No, like it would be like, imagine if you were good enough
to write something like, OK, I'mgoing to use the biggest titles
ever, but like Harry Potter or something that like, I mean,
people love that stuff. Yeah.

(01:00:00):
I enjoy reading. You don't as much, or you do.
I do but not. Are you chewing gum?
I am and it's it's juicy Fruit. It's so good.
I was waiting for you to notice.So all I, all I can say is that
like writing inspires people andI think it'd be really cool to
write a book. And I've, I've told Steph I was
like, I want to write a book. And then she's like, about what?
And I was like, I can't write a book.

(01:00:20):
I'm not. I got nothing.
I'm not Tom Clancy. But you know what type of thing?
I don't want to be good at writing poetry.
Like who? I was looking through the list
of talents and I was like, poetry?
Who are who even wants to write that?
Who does anyone read? Poetry exists.
When's the last time you read The Raven?
I know the Ravens forevermore. I'm telling you, sports didn't

(01:00:42):
exist and they were like, we need something to entertain us.
And some poet was like, I got this great idea.
Yeah, Edgar Allan Poe sucks. I saw this funny tweet to close
it out that said at Canaric, 33 said.
With two weeks of school left, Idecided to let the kids sit
wherever they want. The boys put all their desks in
one big group and named it Fart Island.
The girls made a similar group and named it the Tortured Poets

(01:01:04):
Department. Fear of what is How's it going?
Something hath No Fear. Like a scorn woman.
Yeah, that's the truth, dude. The only crazy girl that's funny
is the girl in Wedding Crashers.Oh yeah, but I'd still find you.

(01:01:25):
I get into our goodbye section, I told Sean last week.
Goodbye, my love. My love, I told Sean last week
that we didn't the AI experimentthat I said every time we talk
about a country, it ends up on our list.
So you started yelling Iraq, Iraq, Iraq and I yelled
Argentina. Yeah.
Did not work. Dang it.
But we did pick up South Korea. Oh, see, plot work the whole
time. That's what I was shooting for.

(01:01:45):
So we were shooting for. That's the good Korea.
And who are? For those that don't know.
Actually, it's not even close. They're the really way better.
Yeah, like not Yeah, you're not gonna have famine and be
murdered. Yeah, it's not for reading
Facebook. It's not like the Michigan Ohio
State. Right.
No, no, no, no. This is we South.
Korea by a mile. Yeah.
Yeah, they've been listening actively, too.

(01:02:06):
So if you're from South Korea, drop us a line.
Yeah, we think you're the best Korea.
As as mentioned earlier, I have a couple thoughts on Masters
week before I let you out of here.
Pawn. There's a stat I wanted to read
you before I got to the cool part of Masters.
At the par train. Tweeted that he was wrong.
He said that Tiger Woods streak of 142 made cuts is the most
impressive record ever, so he played in 142 straight events.

(01:02:30):
And it did miss the. Cut, which is unthinkable yeah,
I'd have to look up who's 2nd place, but he said, but thanks
to at Lou Stanger, I know it's this is the coolest that ever
from 1999. Tiger's not at the Masters this
week by the way, popped his Achilles from 1999 to 2009.
Tiger was more likely 34% to winthe whole tournament then to

(01:02:53):
finish 9th or worse. Wow that's insane. 32% of the
time he finished ninth or worse,34%.
What do you finish 1st? 15 majors.
He's got Jack has 18 and he has 15.
Yeah, he's got like 82 wins. Tiger Woods stats are so fun.
That's on a 10 year stretch. Pun.
That's crazy. One of the best traditions of

(01:03:14):
the masters is that. He was plowing all the Denny's
races at the same time. He was doing all kinds of Haney
shit. He was doing Haney shit.
I want to read his book. Yeah, I want to read.
About his book, well, he's got abook.
Yeah, he's got a lot, a lot of biographies.
Well, people. Wrote this.
Yeah, I don't know if there's anautobiography.
The one of the best traditions at the Masters is that the
winner from the previous year, they have a champion's dinner.

(01:03:36):
So you get the green jacket and the.
Person you get to make the menu.Gets to make the menu and since
pawn has a love for. Food Long John Silver Baby No.
We're going fish and chips, babyI I decided to read Pawn and
see. It was a reaction to Scotty
Scheffler, last year's winners. This is his menu.
Appetizers. Cheeseburger sliders.
Love them. Firecracker shrimp with sweet

(01:03:56):
Thai chili and Sriracha Mayo. Love them Papa Chef's meatball
and raviola bites with pecorcinicheese and tomato basil sauce.
Thumbs up. Texas style chili.
Thumbs up for the main course hegoes to the wood fired cowboy
rib eye steak or black. Double, double thumbs up.
Family style Mac and cheese, jalapeno creamed corn.

(01:04:16):
Thumbs up. No, no, only.
Only the creamed corn would throw me off.
You could just pass. Yeah, just pass that soy glazed.
Brussels sprouts, Chipotle lime,roasted sweet potatoes.
Damn, all sounds great. You know pun needs to win.
What's his dessert? What's his dessert?
Dessert. Oh.
This is why I love but. Should that be our list next
week? What's that?
What would our masters menu be? We shouldn't do that as the

(01:04:38):
list, but we should do that as apart of the of the podcast I'm
in. He's like a normal guy from
Texas. Please be cheesecake.
He went very simpler than that. What he went warm chocolate chip
cookies. Oh skillet.
Oh, the skillet you get the. With the vanilla bean, With the
vanilla bean ice cream, I was like, oh.

(01:05:00):
Man, no, we're talking. I like I like how we sort of
tangent off before dessert and you were like, tell me what's up
for. Dessert.
What do we have for dessert? He was cooking serving cookies
off of skillet. Now that's a man's man right
there. Whoever designed that wasn't a
woman. Who designed that?
That was a man. Yeah, they were.
Like, he was like, what do you want?
He's like, I want a cookie. And she's, like, here.

(01:05:21):
And he's like, not on a paper plate.
Yeah. Heat up in that skillet.
Put up. Heat up that piece of cast iron.
Put on. Put on a.
Warm. How big of a cookie you want?
How big of a skillet you got? Speaking of fancy food, I saw a
headline that said The Texas Roadhouse has replaced the Olive
Garden as America's top casual dining.

(01:05:41):
It really is. I mean, although you're talking
to a guy who likes Chili's. I mean, I like Applebee's.
Chili's chips and salsa. Yeah, top notch.
Listen, no one is under the illusion you're going to Chili's
or Applebee's for that stuff. We should.
It just hurt my heart because, you know, I used to work at.
The LLG. So did my sister.
Texas Roadhouse superior. Though, but that butter, I have

(01:06:02):
to believe that it's because in the appetizers draft people
listen to this podcast. It's so popular that you said
Texas Roadhouse bread and butteror whatever, and all of a sudden
it surpasses the olive. Garden it is, yeah, it's
fantastic. You ever see the movie Ghost?
Yes, which have I seen? A Patrick Swayze movie?
You crazy? I'll end with at Kelly Lee,
tweeted the pottery scene from Ghost.

(01:06:25):
But it's me helping the guy at the Olive Garden put more cheese
on my pasta. There's actually a very funny
Instagram. There's so good.
There's a funny Instagram reel Iseen where you can tell they
like we're like, hey, will you film a video with us where it
the video turns on and she's grating the cheese into his
mouth and his entire shirts covered with the cheese.

(01:06:47):
It's so fun. As an Olive Garden former
waiter, my and waitress, my sister and I can attest it.
It's not as funny because that happened in real life.
Really at? Least once in a like people.
Trying to get it in their mouth.Not in their mouth, but like
putting a mountain this big thatit was falling into their laps.
I was like here, just keep the just keep.
It So was there a limit where they would say hey OK this is

(01:07:08):
Nope, just endless. You weren't supposed to leave
the cheese grater at their table, but sometimes you just
gave up because you're like, none of my other.
Like, I'm. I'm standing here for three
minutes. Yeah.
It's like the only person that can stand there that long is
that octopus family. All right, Pun, What are we
doing next week? I don't know something but it
involves the masters menu. We should do a bubble gum draft.

(01:07:31):
How about what did I text you the other day?
How about do you want to do cellphone apps?
We can do that. There's a Topanga of cell phone
apps that I guarantee. You pornhub?
I don't even know if that's an app all.
Right. You want to do a cell phone
apps? We can do a draft style or we
can just take turns. Let's do the cell phone apps
all. Right next week we're doing the
cell phone apps possibly draft that's it for us thank you guys

(01:07:55):
for thank you guys for tuning inand giving us a five star make
sure to click subscribe that's. South Korea.
Thank you. Thank you.
No, no, no. Delete that.
Delete that. That was China, by the way.
Delete. Do not believe that.
That was China, by the way. All right.
Fun. That's all.
I got what you got. That's it for me.
Dog poos.

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Ep.69 - The Talents we Wish we Had...