July 3, 2025 • 12 mins
Have you ever felt unexpectedly lonely on holidays like the 4th of July?
You’re not failing—your midlife may simply be calling you to build a new bridge and make an update.
In this episode, you'll discover:
- Why midlife loneliness is more common than you think
- One powerful mindset shift to help you move from isolation to interdependence
- A practical framework to help you reconnect with loved ones—with energy, purpose, and ease
🎧 You are not alone. You may just need a new way to build back connection—one breath, one reach, one invitation at a time.
Want the BRIDGE Framework one-pager?
📩 Email me at mj@mjmurrayvachon.com and I’ll send it your way.
****
About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.
Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover how to
build a bridge out of yourloneliness.
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
while achieving greater successat work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
(00:22):
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
Have you ever felt a surprisingwave of loneliness on a holiday?
If you felt that quiet ache,you're not alone.
In our last episode, we exploredwhy the 4th of July or any
holiday can feel unexpectedlylonely in midlife, and how our
(00:46):
cultures focus on self-awarenesswhen disconnected from deeper
values and relationships mayactually be fueling your
loneliness.
If you haven't listened toepisode 1 71, I invite you to do
so.
That's where I introduced theconcept of selfspection, a new
way of reflecting that connectsself-awareness with purpose,
(01:10):
values, and belonging, as I liketo say, self spec, right sizes
your I helping you move beyondthe rigid capital letter version
of yourself into a lowercaseitalicized i a self that is
flexible, adaptive, connecting,relational, and uniquely you.
(01:33):
In this episode, you'll discoverhow to reframe midlife
loneliness as a call to updatenot a personal flaw, and you'll
learn to use the bridgeframework to take small but
meaningful steps towardsreconnection and re-energizing
yourself.
If you'd like a one pager tohelp guide this process, just
(01:54):
email me mj@mjmurrayvachon.comI'd be happy to send this to
you.
Before we dive in, let's revisitMonday's inner challenge.
I invited you to reflect onwhether you've stepped away from
people or communities simplybecause they don't perfectly
align with your values at thispoint in midlife.
(02:15):
If your answer was maybe, orabsolutely, you're in the right
place.
Today's episode will help youtake action from that insight.
Let me begin with coping skillnumber one, reframe loneliness
as an update, not a flaw.
Midlife loneliness can sneak upon you.
(02:35):
Just the other day, one of myclients had this brave insight.
I just realized that when my songets his driver's license, I'm
gonna have an enormous void inmy life between work home and
his activities.
Her days were full.
But what happens when thatchanges?
Another client who runs ahome-based business, said to me.
My whole life exists betweenthese four walls, and I find
(02:59):
myself really lonely and longingto connect with others.
Let me be clear.
If you feel this way, you're nota failure.
Quite the opposite.
You're a midlifer balancing alot, and that often means
putting your social life last.
Many of the social structuresthat once gave you natural
connection, offices,neighborhoods, churches,
(03:23):
extended family have shifted ordisappeared.
So if you feel alone while doingeverything right.
You aren't alone.
loneliness feels awful.
It comes with tough thoughts andbehaviors.
No one really knows me.
Where's the ice cream?
Or I'll drink wine and watch amovie.
(03:44):
Then there's doom scrolling,feeling briefly connected, but
empty once you put the phonedown.
Loneliness can be a vortex or aspringboard.
Going down is easier.
But when you reframe lonelinessas a signal, not a sentence, you
give yourself permission to leanin to an update.
(04:05):
So let me share with you copingskill number two.
Build a bridge.
Years ago, I worked with aclient who had just retired
early from a demanding 60 hour aweek career.
She didn't have children, andher husband was happily
introverted and deeply into hiscomputer.
She came to therapy mildlydepressed, and I quickly saw
(04:26):
that loneliness was at the root.
She had artistic talent andcould have spent her days
drawing and painting, but thatwouldn't have eased her
loneliness.
She'd be busy, but still alone.
That's when I introduced her toself.
The practice of using yourmidlife self-awareness and
pairing it with your deepervalues, your introspection to
(04:50):
build a bridge towardconnection.
And here's the key.
Most bridges in your life werebuilt for you by school, work,
parenting, or church.
This bridge is built by you.
Let's begin.
Ask yourself this.
Who are three people you'd liketo connect with?
What are three activities you'dlike to try?
(05:12):
Where are three places you'dconsider volunteering?
What are three values you wantto live out more?
That gives you 12 possibilities.
Now let's walk through thebridge framework beginning with
B.
Breathe and notice whatenergizes you.
Take a breath and look at yourlist.
(05:32):
What brings a small spark ofenergy?
Not fireworks, just a flicker oflife.
One client felt pulled towardthe value of learning and taking
a class.
Another remembered a neighborshe hadn't spoken to in years.
Trust what surfaces.
Let your body lead, not justyour mind.
R, reach out.
(05:54):
This is the hard part becauseloneliness whispers reasons why
you shouldn't.
And your anxiety can cause youto have catastrophic thoughts
about what would happen if youwould reach out.
Be brave and reach out.
Maybe you've tried before and itdidn't work, but use your
midlife grit.
(06:14):
Try again.
The client who wanted to take aclass told me she couldn't
afford tuition and she didn'twanna sit next to a bunch of 20
year olds.
I introduced her to foreverlearning a program for people
over 50.
Another client texted her oldneighbor, wanna grab coffee
sometime?
Easy, brave human, which leadsus to, I.
(06:37):
Invite.
Don't wait.
Be the one to initiate.
One small invitation is enough.
My client's text was met with areply.
I'd love to, but life is crazyright now.
Maybe in a couple years itcrushed her.
She spiraled.
I shouldn't have done it.
I knew I shouldn't have done it.
(06:57):
How embarrassing.
But reaching out, no matter, theoutcome is still progress.
Which brings us to the nextstep.
Dee, don't overthink.
I asked her, would you have saidsomething similar three years
ago when your life was packedwith teens and work?
Probably her neighbor said, I'mbusy, but she heard I don't
(07:22):
matter.
Overthinking makes it about you.
Don't.
You've got 12 possibilities.
Return to your list.
She did.
And there were two ideas thatstood out.
One Ride a horse, anothervolunteer at Reins of Life, a
local therapeutic riding center.
That felt less risky, so shesigned up and that brings us to
(07:44):
G Give without keeping score.
My client didn't wanna overcommit.
She just wanted to connect.
Once a week, she showed up andled horses, the joy and bravery
of the children.
She helped energized her in waysshe hadn't expected.
Volunteering is a powerfulantidote to loneliness.
(08:06):
You give without expectinganything in return, and in that
giving something shifts, onechild squealed with joy every
time she arrived.
My other client who stuckthrough her first class, which
was okay, found her groovesecond semester, and a few years
later, she and four classmatespick a new course each term and
(08:30):
follow it up with lunch.
Which leads us to the lastconnector in your bridge.
Engage gently.
After a year of volunteering,that same client felt a nudge to
ride again.
Her inner critic said, you aretoo old to get on a horse.
But she found a class calledBack in the Saddle again.
(08:51):
She joined.
She loved it.
Engage gently.
Be present, not perfect.
Let yourself grow in new waysyou haven't imagined.
To be honest, I hate that youhave to work this hard to build
a bridge out of loneliness.
It's not your fault, you're notdoing anything wrong.
(09:12):
It's that our old socialstructures aren't there, like
they once were.
Here are some things my otherclients have done.
Join the Library Book Club.
Start a regular meal withfriends.
Volunteer at the local Y.
Try a new hobby with theirpartner.
Connect with cousins.
Explore online groups likegrateful gatherings.
(09:32):
Go back to church.
Babysit for neighbors and rockbabies at the hospital.
Trust whatever surfaces.
Building bridges with othersstarts with building a bridge
within yourself, which leads meto my last coping skill and
actually one of my favoritethings to do.
(09:53):
Reconnect through a gratitudewalk, go through one day and
notice every person who makesyour life better.
It may sound cheesy.
But it works.
Yesterday, my husband was out oftown and I tried it.
I woke up in the morning and Iread the paper and I thought of
all the people who helpedproduce it.
I watched the show Four Seasonson Netflix and laughed.
(10:16):
So grateful for Tina Faye, God,I just love her At the store.
I chatted with someone about allthe creamer options, a bit mind
boggling if you want my opinion.
Then at checkout, the clerkasked for my ID for wine and we
both laughed.
It's small, but it adds up.
Our phone has unintentionallytaught us to go through our day
(10:39):
with tunnel vision.
Build a bridge throughout yourday and notice the people who
help you be grateful for thesmall things that they do that
allow your day to operate.
Gratitude takes the alone out oflonely.
In this episode, you discoveredhow midlife loneliness is a call
(10:59):
to update, not a sign thatsomething's wrong with you.
You learned how self spectrum,the practice of linking
self-awareness to your valuesand relationships can guide you
back to belonging.
You explored the bridgeframework with practical steps
for building connection.
One breath, one, reach, oneinvitation at a time.
(11:22):
And finally, you're invited totry a gratitude walk to gently
shift your perspective andreconnect the life around you
with a spirit.
Of gratefulness.
You are not alone.
When you start to look at yourlife through this lens, you'll
walk into Independence Day witha renewed sense of
interdependence.
(11:42):
So have a meaningful fourth.
Build a bridge.
Go to the parade, watch thefireworks.
Invite someone to the beach orthe ballpark.
And if you'd like that onepager, I'm building a bridge,
email me.
mj@mjmurrayvachon.com and ifthis episode resonated with you,
consider sharing it with someonewho might be walking through the
(12:05):
same kind of quietdisconnection.
Thanks for listening.
And I'll be back on Monday withcreating midlife calm, where
we're building bridges.
Back to connection.
One breath at a time.
In this episode, you'll discover how to
build a bridge out of yourloneliness.
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
while achieving greater successat work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
(00:22):
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
Have you ever felt a surprisingwave of loneliness on a holiday?
If you felt that quiet ache,you're not alone.
In our last episode, we exploredwhy the 4th of July or any
holiday can feel unexpectedlylonely in midlife, and how our
(00:46):
cultures focus on self-awarenesswhen disconnected from deeper
values and relationships mayactually be fueling your
loneliness.
If you haven't listened toepisode 1 71, I invite you to do
so.
That's where I introduced theconcept of selfspection, a new
way of reflecting that connectsself-awareness with purpose,
(01:10):
values, and belonging, as I liketo say, self spec, right sizes
your I helping you move beyondthe rigid capital letter version
of yourself into a lowercaseitalicized i a self that is
flexible, adaptive, connecting,relational, and uniquely you.
(01:33):
In this episode, you'll discoverhow to reframe midlife
loneliness as a call to updatenot a personal flaw, and you'll
learn to use the bridgeframework to take small but
meaningful steps towardsreconnection and re-energizing
yourself.
If you'd like a one pager tohelp guide this process, just
(01:54):
email me mj@mjmurrayvachon.comI'd be happy to send this to
you.
Before we dive in, let's revisitMonday's inner challenge.
I invited you to reflect onwhether you've stepped away from
people or communities simplybecause they don't perfectly
align with your values at thispoint in midlife.
(02:15):
If your answer was maybe, orabsolutely, you're in the right
place.
Today's episode will help youtake action from that insight.
Let me begin with coping skillnumber one, reframe loneliness
as an update, not a flaw.
Midlife loneliness can sneak upon you.
(02:35):
Just the other day, one of myclients had this brave insight.
I just realized that when my songets his driver's license, I'm
gonna have an enormous void inmy life between work home and
his activities.
Her days were full.
But what happens when thatchanges?
Another client who runs ahome-based business, said to me.
My whole life exists betweenthese four walls, and I find
(02:59):
myself really lonely and longingto connect with others.
Let me be clear.
If you feel this way, you're nota failure.
Quite the opposite.
You're a midlifer balancing alot, and that often means
putting your social life last.
Many of the social structuresthat once gave you natural
connection, offices,neighborhoods, churches,
(03:23):
extended family have shifted ordisappeared.
So if you feel alone while doingeverything right.
You aren't alone.
loneliness feels awful.
It comes with tough thoughts andbehaviors.
No one really knows me.
Where's the ice cream?
Or I'll drink wine and watch amovie.
(03:44):
Then there's doom scrolling,feeling briefly connected, but
empty once you put the phonedown.
Loneliness can be a vortex or aspringboard.
Going down is easier.
But when you reframe lonelinessas a signal, not a sentence, you
give yourself permission to leanin to an update.
(04:05):
So let me share with you copingskill number two.
Build a bridge.
Years ago, I worked with aclient who had just retired
early from a demanding 60 hour aweek career.
She didn't have children, andher husband was happily
introverted and deeply into hiscomputer.
She came to therapy mildlydepressed, and I quickly saw
(04:26):
that loneliness was at the root.
She had artistic talent andcould have spent her days
drawing and painting, but thatwouldn't have eased her
loneliness.
She'd be busy, but still alone.
That's when I introduced her toself.
The practice of using yourmidlife self-awareness and
pairing it with your deepervalues, your introspection to
(04:50):
build a bridge towardconnection.
And here's the key.
Most bridges in your life werebuilt for you by school, work,
parenting, or church.
This bridge is built by you.
Let's begin.
Ask yourself this.
Who are three people you'd liketo connect with?
What are three activities you'dlike to try?
(05:12):
Where are three places you'dconsider volunteering?
What are three values you wantto live out more?
That gives you 12 possibilities.
Now let's walk through thebridge framework beginning with
B.
Breathe and notice whatenergizes you.
Take a breath and look at yourlist.
(05:32):
What brings a small spark ofenergy?
Not fireworks, just a flicker oflife.
One client felt pulled towardthe value of learning and taking
a class.
Another remembered a neighborshe hadn't spoken to in years.
Trust what surfaces.
Let your body lead, not justyour mind.
R, reach out.
(05:54):
This is the hard part becauseloneliness whispers reasons why
you shouldn't.
And your anxiety can cause youto have catastrophic thoughts
about what would happen if youwould reach out.
Be brave and reach out.
Maybe you've tried before and itdidn't work, but use your
midlife grit.
(06:14):
Try again.
The client who wanted to take aclass told me she couldn't
afford tuition and she didn'twanna sit next to a bunch of 20
year olds.
I introduced her to foreverlearning a program for people
over 50.
Another client texted her oldneighbor, wanna grab coffee
sometime?
Easy, brave human, which leadsus to, I.
(06:37):
Invite.
Don't wait.
Be the one to initiate.
One small invitation is enough.
My client's text was met with areply.
I'd love to, but life is crazyright now.
Maybe in a couple years itcrushed her.
She spiraled.
I shouldn't have done it.
I knew I shouldn't have done it.
(06:57):
How embarrassing.
But reaching out, no matter, theoutcome is still progress.
Which brings us to the nextstep.
Dee, don't overthink.
I asked her, would you have saidsomething similar three years
ago when your life was packedwith teens and work?
Probably her neighbor said, I'mbusy, but she heard I don't
(07:22):
matter.
Overthinking makes it about you.
Don't.
You've got 12 possibilities.
Return to your list.
She did.
And there were two ideas thatstood out.
One Ride a horse, anothervolunteer at Reins of Life, a
local therapeutic riding center.
That felt less risky, so shesigned up and that brings us to
(07:44):
G Give without keeping score.
My client didn't wanna overcommit.
She just wanted to connect.
Once a week, she showed up andled horses, the joy and bravery
of the children.
She helped energized her in waysshe hadn't expected.
Volunteering is a powerfulantidote to loneliness.
(08:06):
You give without expectinganything in return, and in that
giving something shifts, onechild squealed with joy every
time she arrived.
My other client who stuckthrough her first class, which
was okay, found her groovesecond semester, and a few years
later, she and four classmatespick a new course each term and
(08:30):
follow it up with lunch.
Which leads us to the lastconnector in your bridge.
Engage gently.
After a year of volunteering,that same client felt a nudge to
ride again.
Her inner critic said, you aretoo old to get on a horse.
But she found a class calledBack in the Saddle again.
(08:51):
She joined.
She loved it.
Engage gently.
Be present, not perfect.
Let yourself grow in new waysyou haven't imagined.
To be honest, I hate that youhave to work this hard to build
a bridge out of loneliness.
It's not your fault, you're notdoing anything wrong.
(09:12):
It's that our old socialstructures aren't there, like
they once were.
Here are some things my otherclients have done.
Join the Library Book Club.
Start a regular meal withfriends.
Volunteer at the local Y.
Try a new hobby with theirpartner.
Connect with cousins.
Explore online groups likegrateful gatherings.
(09:32):
Go back to church.
Babysit for neighbors and rockbabies at the hospital.
Trust whatever surfaces.
Building bridges with othersstarts with building a bridge
within yourself, which leads meto my last coping skill and
actually one of my favoritethings to do.
(09:53):
Reconnect through a gratitudewalk, go through one day and
notice every person who makesyour life better.
It may sound cheesy.
But it works.
Yesterday, my husband was out oftown and I tried it.
I woke up in the morning and Iread the paper and I thought of
all the people who helpedproduce it.
I watched the show Four Seasonson Netflix and laughed.
(10:16):
So grateful for Tina Faye, God,I just love her At the store.
I chatted with someone about allthe creamer options, a bit mind
boggling if you want my opinion.
Then at checkout, the clerkasked for my ID for wine and we
both laughed.
It's small, but it adds up.
Our phone has unintentionallytaught us to go through our day
(10:39):
with tunnel vision.
Build a bridge throughout yourday and notice the people who
help you be grateful for thesmall things that they do that
allow your day to operate.
Gratitude takes the alone out oflonely.
In this episode, you discoveredhow midlife loneliness is a call
(10:59):
to update, not a sign thatsomething's wrong with you.
You learned how self spectrum,the practice of linking
self-awareness to your valuesand relationships can guide you
back to belonging.
You explored the bridgeframework with practical steps
for building connection.
One breath, one, reach, oneinvitation at a time.
(11:22):
And finally, you're invited totry a gratitude walk to gently
shift your perspective andreconnect the life around you
with a spirit.
Of gratefulness.
You are not alone.
When you start to look at yourlife through this lens, you'll
walk into Independence Day witha renewed sense of
interdependence.
(11:42):
So have a meaningful fourth.
Build a bridge.
Go to the parade, watch thefireworks.
Invite someone to the beach orthe ballpark.
And if you'd like that onepager, I'm building a bridge,
email me.
mj@mjmurrayvachon.com and ifthis episode resonated with you,
consider sharing it with someonewho might be walking through the
(12:05):
same kind of quietdisconnection.
Thanks for listening.
And I'll be back on Monday withcreating midlife calm, where
we're building bridges.
Back to connection.
One breath at a time.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.