Ep. 199 How to Banish Your Inner Critic in Midlife and Move From Anxiety and Stress to Calm and Self-Trust

Why does your inner critic keep pushing you harder even when you already know how to get things done in midlife?
Your inner critic often hides behind “truth,” “motivation,” or “standards.”
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1.  Why tracing the roots of your inner critic matter and how giving it a midlife update can free you to trust yourself and enjoy your life
2.  How self-criticism wires your body for stress and anxiety—and what you can do to shift into calm
3.   A simple, science-backed coping skill that helps you move from judgment         to  gratitude, confidence, and self-trust 

 Take 11 minutes to rewire your inner critic, ease anxiety, and increase calm in midlife—you’re worth it.

Send us a text

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Episode Transcript

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover how to
quiet the harshest critic you'llever face your inner one.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:06):
Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the
podcast where you and I tacklestress and anxiety in midlife so
you can stop feeling like crap,feel more present at home, and
thrive at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon a LicensedClinical Social Worker with over
50,000 hours of therapy sessionsand 32 years of teaching

(00:26):
practical science-backed mentalwellness.

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:30):
Welcome to the podcast.
On Monday, we talked about howtaming your outer critic is the
first step to quieting yourinner critic.
Today we're going to flip it.
We'll take that same skill andturn it inward.
In this episode, you'll discoverthree things, why your inner
critic is so much trickier thanyour outer one.

(00:51):
How to trace where that firstvoice started and why it still
shows up in midlife, and how touse the science-backed
three-step process.
Notice, name and tame, aim andreframe to finally calm it down.
This isn't about toxicpositivity, it's about rewiring

(01:12):
your inner critic so you canlower anxiety, feel more
confidence and gratitude, aswell as calm in midlife.
On Monday, I gave you an InnerChallenge pick an area of your
life such as driving, parenting,or working on a project.
And for one day notice everytime you catch yourself

(01:33):
criticizing someone else.
And then say, critic, quit itand practice the three steps.
How'd you do?
I use this challenge as a resetfor myself, and I notice how
often that outer critic wassneaking in without me really
realizing it.
Just that little shift made abig difference because as we

(01:56):
said, knowing doesn't changethings.
But it points us in the rightdirection of doing and it's
taking the right action thatreally can help us cultivate
calm.
Today we're taking that sameskill and turning it inward.
On your inner critic.
You are outer critic.
It's easy to spot.

(02:18):
You say it, you hear it, butyour inner critic, it's
sneakier.
It hides as truth, motivation,or standards.
It feels harder to quiet itbecause it sounds like your
voice, but here's the good news,even though it's harder to spot
your Inner critic.

(02:38):
The same.
Critic quit it.
Process works on that sneakyinner voice notice name and
tame, aim and reframe.
So here's a question I want youto think about.
What school did your innercritic attend?
Maybe you had a parent who wasoverly critical.
Or the opposite.
A parent who thought you weregifted, which created a lot of

(03:01):
pressure.
Maybe you grew up in a highachieving school or
neighborhood, or you followed atalented sibling, or you had a
learning difference undiagnosedA DHD, or didn't like sports.
All of this making you feel youweren't good at what others
valued as a child, you absorbedeverything around you.

(03:22):
You didn't yet have thesuperpower of self-reflection.
That's why pausing now inmidlife to assess the origin of
your critical voice is sopowerful.
Let me share a story.
A few years ago, I was teachingmy mental wellness program,
Inner Challenge to the freshmanfootball players at Notre Dame.
One of my students had aparticularly loud inner and

(03:45):
outer critic.
After day one, he said, I can'timagine a class like this will
help me.
I've gotten here by beating theshit outta myself.
Being nice won't get me to thepros.
I looked at him and said, well,just show up.
Take what you can, punt the restand wouldn't you know it.
He became one of my most curiousstudents ever.

(04:08):
in one paper he wrote, I learnedto be competitive and
self-critical through football,but I always had a team around
me that believed in me off thefield.
I don't have that team.
My critical voice takes over andit paralyzes me.
Honestly, it's sucks.
That's the truth about yourinner voice.

(04:29):
It can drive success in one areaand make you feel stuck.
Everywhere else.
Which leads me to my nextinsight that may be surprising
many people, and perhaps you areone, are afraid to let go of
their inner critic.
Because they believe it's thereason they've succeeded.
And sometimes that's true.

(04:50):
I once worked with a client whowas the youngest in her family.
She grew up pushing herself tokeep up with her talented older
siblings as an adult in midlife.
She was still acting like theyoungest child.
Her home was organized, hercareer successful, her
relationship solid, but insideshe was her own drill sergeant.

(05:10):
Never taking time to savor hersuccess.
She said to me, I get whatyou're saying, MJ, that I don't
need to push myself so hard, butI don't know if I can trust
myself without being critical.
And that's the heart of it.
The fear that if you soften yourinner critic you'll stop doing

(05:31):
what needs to be done.
It's really an issue of can youtrust yourself?
I'm gonna bet you can.
And in doing so, you mightactually do it with more
enjoyment and intention.
By midlife, you already know howto get things done.
Why not enjoy the ride more?

(05:52):
Go ahead.
Thank yourself criticism for itsservice.
Then gently say you're notneeded in the same way anymore.
Guess what happened to thiswoman after she did the update
and softened her Inner critic?
She came to therapy one day andsaid, now that my Inner critic
isn't talking all the time, Ifind myself feeling grateful

(06:13):
when I get things done before, Ididn't have any space in my head
to enjoy success because I wastoo afraid of the next failure.
But now I actually find myselfpausing and taking it in when
things go well.
She realized gratitude helpedquiet both her inner critic and
her outer one.

(06:35):
The goal isn't to silence yourInner critic forever.
It's actually to move from themind of a child where a critic
runs the show to the mind of amidlife adult, where you decide
when to listen and when tosoften.
That's a crucial update.
And what I found with my clientsis understanding the science

(06:55):
behind self-criticism can reallyhelp motivate you to softening
your inner voice.
Here's what research shows.
Self-criticism lights up thesame brain regions as physical
pain.
Isn't that mind blowing when youcriticize yourself?
It's like pulling a hamstring.
It fuels anxiety by keeping yourbody in fight or flight mode.

(07:20):
Think about it.
When you pull a hamstring, youautomatically stop and care for
it.
You don't keep sprinting untilyou throw out your back.
Yet with self-criticism, youkeep running.
Let me share an example.
You've got a big presentationtomorrow and you go to bed and
all of a sudden your critic,shows up with a highlight reel

(07:43):
of failure and a novel about howthe big boss will be there.
Your body is already in fight orflight, and you haven't even
walked in the room.
Now let's run it with critic.
Quit it.
Notice the night before youcatch the thought.
I can't screw this up.
You notice your shoulders aretense, your stomach twists name

(08:05):
and tame.
You say, quit it, critic, groundyour feet and take some breaths.
You let your shoulders drop andyou remind yourself.
Being nervous is normal.
It means I care, and you staywith your breath.
Work for 60 to 90 seconds, andwhen you feel your body relax.

(08:28):
You move to aim and refrain.
You reparent yourself.
You offer reassurance the wayyou'd comfort a scared child.
You're prepared.
This is one presentation.
It won't make or break life.
You can do this.
Of course, this doesn't eraseall your nerves.

(08:48):
You're still going to feel someanxiousness until the
presentation's over, but itkeeps your mind from getting
stuck in negativity and creatinga feature film about failure.
You calm your body.
You create space for resilience.
You might even run a positivemental movie, something I talked

(09:09):
about in episode 180 6.
It can help your brain shiftfrom fear to calm and
confidence.
Our culture gives you lots ofmessages that your inner critic
is the key to your success.
Work harder, be tougher, neverlet up.
But the truth is that kind ofconstant pressure might push you

(09:30):
forward for a while, yet itsteals your joy, your
confidence, and even yourability to trust yourself.
Remember, your outer critic wasjust practice, but learning to
quiet your inner critic.
That's the real game changer.
And in midlife, trust me, youhave what it takes to do this.

(09:54):
And what's the payoff?
More gratitude, more confidence,grounding in self-trust, and of
course calm.
In this episode, you'vediscovered why your Inner critic
is harder to spot than yourouter critic, where it learned
its voice and how self-criticismwires your body for stress, and

(10:17):
you practice turning critic.
Quit it inward.
Notice name and tame.
Aim and reframe To reparentyourself right size pressure
with a positive mental movie,and to move from judgment to
gratitude, confidence,self-trust, and calm.

(10:39):
thanks for listening, and I'llbe back on Monday celebrating my
200th episode of CreatingMidlife Calm.