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October 27, 2025 14 mins


Why does reflecting on death feel so uncomfortable, yet hold surprising value for our mental wellness?
You’re not alone if the thought makes you uneasy.
In this episode, you’ll discover:

  1. Why most of us avoid thoughts of mortality—and the hidden costs of that avoidance.
  2. How reflecting on death, even briefly, can shift daily stress and anxiety.
  3. What hospice work and mindfulness practices reveal about living with greater calm and clarity.

 Take 20 minutes to see how reflecting on death can free you to live more fully—you’re worth it.

Send us a text




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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (3) (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover
how reflecting on deathsomething we often avoid can
actually reduce anxiety.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:08):
Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the
podcast where you and I tacklestress and anxiety in midlife so
you can stop feeling like crap,feel more present at home, and
thrive at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon a LicensedClinical Social Worker with over
50,000 hours of therapy sessionsand 32 years of teaching

(00:28):
practical science-backed mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast This timeof year with Halloween, all
Saints and all souls we'resurrounded by reminders of
death.
It's a subject that we usuallyavoid because it creates so much
anxiety, so much discomfort.
Yet when we give it thoughtfulattention, it can surprisingly

(00:50):
help us live more fully.
In today's episode, I sit downwith my beloved cousin, Beth
Cavanaugh RN, a hospice nursewith nearly two decades of
experience for an honest andheartfelt conversation about
death through the lens of mentalwellness.
What she has learned at thebedside isn't creepy, but

(01:11):
profoundly human and it has thepower to change how we live our
everyday life.
Welcome to the podcast, Beth.
I'm really excited to have thisconversation with you, and let's
begin by having you introduceyourself to our listeners.

Guest (01:27):
Thank you MJ for having me.
I'm a hospice nurse.
I've been a hospice nurse forabout 18 years and nurse for 28
years.
Got a couple of kids live inPortland, Oregon.

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (01:37):
I don't know if we jump into the topic
of death, but let's respectfullytrod into the topic your
experience of being a hospicenurse.
Gives you a very uniqueperspective.
Beth is in town.
Because she was a guest lecturerat Notre Dame yesterday in a
hospice course.
And one of the.
Students asked.

(01:57):
A really good question of deathis creepy.
And how do you acclimateyourself?
To this creepy thing.
That's part of your everydaywork life.

Guest (02:08):
It felt pretty heavy.
Throughout that first year ofbeing a hospice nurse.
And then I had this conversationwith one of my mentor nurses,
Renee.
And we had a discussion aboutour significance as a hospice
nurse and our insignificance.
And I think that really helpedme because I can be an

(02:31):
incredibly significant presencein my eight or 12 hour shift as
a hospice nurse.
And then at the end of my shift,I'm not really responsible for.
How they got into this place.
Who's here.
Who's not here with them.
So it relieved myself at theburden.
That I felt on my shouldersabout their death.

(02:53):
When I got to work, I would justreally focus on my eight hour
shift.
Do my best.
And I think that really helpedme deal with it on a day to day.
And as far as the creepy factorgoes, I feel like I'm in the
presence of grace, 95% of thetime when I'm with people who
are dying.
I don't view it as creepy atall.
I feel it like it is an honor tobe there.

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (03:15):
I'm pretty sure that our listeners
can experience your presence,even though it's audio.
Because what happened yesterdayin class, Beth was here to talk.
At a course, that's part of myhusband's center.
At Notre Dame, the Hildebrandcenter for compassionate care in
medicine.
He said to the students You canfeel that best presence is

(03:37):
medicinal.
That it is healing.
Our tendency as a culture.
Is to avoid thinking aboutdeath.
Until we know it's knocking onthe door.
And one of the things I'velearned as a human, one of the
things I've learned as atherapist is that there's some
value in those of us who arestill living.

(03:59):
To think about.
Def.
Not how we want to die, butthat's part of it for some
people, for sure.
But I just wonder if you couldtalk about how that can be
valuable.
Really to not only how we liveour life, but also to our mental
wellness.

Guest (04:15):
Yeah.
I feel like it being in thepresence of death, working in
the presence of death.
I feel like it is only had apositive impact on my life.
But being in hospice care andbeing surrounded by.
Death and the awareness that,oh, I might die soon.
It happens all the time.
And now at age 54, I.

(04:38):
Worked with plenty of 54 yearolds who are dying.
And so I'm constantly remindedthat this is my fate.
This is all of our fates.
And being with that awareness, Ithink it changes on a day-to-day
level.
Some days when I think, oh dearGod, like I could die soon.
I'll go home and I'll buy aticket to Hawaii because I will
say, this is what I want to dobefore I died.

(05:00):
No matter what I have got to getto Hawaii.
Also, I can be oftentimes a lotkinder to my husband because I
think of.
When I think of dying, I think Idon't want to be that, Grumpy
wife that comes in the door.
I feel like I'm in this constantstate of remembering how I want
to be as a person when I'maround people who are dying.

(05:21):
Again, I think there's a lot ofgrace at the bedside, which is
pretty profound to witnessPeople really sinking into the
reality of their death andgetting on board with it, which
takes a long time for manypeople.
I think the ones who have theeasiest times are people who are
religious and know exactly wherethey're going to go.

(05:42):
And there is no.
No question.
They have a much easier timewith dying.
People who have less of an ideathere's more process that has to
happen.
With where am I going next?
What's happening?
Is there a next so for me, it'salso solidified my belief in
God.
But I feel like it's reallypowerful and it's really good.

(06:02):
And it's full of love.
I say that because.
I've seen a lot of patients whoare dying.
And they will see deceasedrelatives.
They will talk to deceasedrelatives.
They will talk to Jesus.
They will have these verycomforting experiences with
their baby who died.

(06:23):
To be in that liminal space,which I feel like I can be a lot
of times with people who aretransitioning towards death.
It makes me think there's gottabe something else.
There's gotta be something coolon the other side.
And it honestly makes living forme a little more enjoyable when
I think that.
It makes thinking of dyingeasier.

(06:44):
I think a lot about my purposeand meaning and hospice care can
easily do that for me.

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (06:50):
That's a really beautiful perspective
and I feel like I'm on theopposite.
End of the continuum I was deathavoidant.
And I took this course how tounderstand the mind it was from
a Buddhist perspective.
A good number of years ago.
And in one of the classes theywere teaching a meditation on
death.
The teacher who was thisBuddhist monk who was adorable.

(07:12):
Is instructing the 40 people inthis class about this
meditation.
And we're supposed to read thisand do this, and then also do
this meditation during thatweek.
And I was creeped out.
I just didn't think about death.
I'm a good student and I'm goingto read all the stuff and do all
the homework.
And I tried to do the deathmeditation.

(07:33):
And I lasted like two seconds.
I came back to class the nextweek and the teacher said, how'd
you do?
And I said, Not very good.
And he goes, what do you mean.
I said I could only really staywith that meditation for two
seconds.
I was creeped out and he goes,oh, that's really good.
And I said, really?
He goes, yeah, most people won'thave even done it.
Then we have this beautifuldiscussion about this is the

(07:55):
culture that we grow up and thatwe're so busy living life.
That we don't want to thinkabout death, even if we are
people filled with faith.
And what we believe we're goingto go to is really positive.
One of the things I committed tomyself that day was to get
really familiar with thismeditation.

(08:15):
So I wouldn't be so afraid.
And that has been very powerfulfor me.
Again, I'm not at your level.
But it's really helped me.
In a lot of ways, such as notavoiding checking things out,
medically.
I see this with a lot ofclients.
I had a man in my office who washaving left arm pain.

(08:35):
I had a woman online who washaving all these symptoms.
You don't need a therapysession.
You need the ER.
In both.
I had to talk them in.
They did go, things were fine.
But when they came back the nextweek, I said, I want us to talk
about your death, because one ofthe things that I learned is in
being death avoidant.

(08:56):
I would not always take mysymptoms seriously.
And one of the commitments Imade in thinking about death
while I was very busy livingfully, I'm not going to be a
person who avoids my medicalsymptom, And so I want you to
think about from your experienceas a nurse.
How you see.
People.
Avoiding death.

Guest (09:16):
Oh yeah.
People avoid it until the minutethey die.
That happens all the time.
So there's this gal and she wasincredibly angry when she was.
Dying she was tiny.
Full of muscle and strength andsinew and feistiness and I felt
like that was the only thingholding her together was her
spirit and her anger.

(09:38):
And it was pretty impressive.
She would not allow us to gether pain managed because.
Her husband.
Was very angry.
That she was dying too.
So these are two people who areincredibly angry.
And not dealing with the deaththing and pushing it off.
And not having any conversationsabout it, but being really angry

(09:59):
at the healthcare professionals.
It was a really intense threemonths with this patient who I
loved.
Because I found her Persistenceto be so heartwarming.
And her avoidance of reallygetting on board with her death.
feel like if she would've gottenon board with her death, Her

(10:20):
pain could have been bettermanage.
Maybe she and her husband wouldhave been open to having a
chaplain or social worker comein and really talk to them
about.
Death.
Her death and how it's going toimpact them.
They avoided it.
Until she died.
Her husband.
Was just angry.
I came in and he was I hate thisfacility, blamed it all on us.

(10:44):
That's why she died.
In spite of stage four cancermetastasized everywhere.
I sat with him for a little bit.
I had some trust with him, butnot a lot.
He ended up.
Sitting with this gal who wasprobably in her seventies or
eighties and she and her husbandhad a.
Positivity course, they haddeveloped in their life.

(11:07):
And this gal was positive.
And just everything was good andeverything was bright.
He sat down with this gal.
Who is the wife of anotherpatient?
And within that 15 minutes, Ifelt kind of a transformation.
And this is after his wife haddied.
So we're waiting for the funeralhome to come pick up his wife.
I see him.

(11:29):
Walk into the room with a Bible.
And he read to his wife, hisdead wife.
From the Bible.
And he sobbed at the bedside.
He caressed her arm.
And it was the first time I hadseen any physical love between
the two of them.
It made me really sad.
That this couldn't have happenedbefore.

(11:52):
His wife died so she couldexperience it also.
So I feel like it's just amissed opportunity.
To clean up some things.
Mostly your relationship withyourself.
Maybe your relationship withGod, the define, However you
define it.
And relationships with yourclosest people in your life.

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (12:11):
That story.
Goes to the bottom of my soulbecause it's my experience for
many people that.
The blame and unclaimed that wedo emotionally.
Is what we do with illness anddeath.
That it's big right often,because we don't think about it
directly.
Even if we know.
Someone is aging.

(12:32):
Even if we know someone is sick.
We don't directly do the innerwork.
Connected to it.
So we use whatever is our normalway of processing emotion.

Guest (12:43):
Which,

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (12:44):
as I've said on this podcast, many times
is to use an external mindset.
Blame and unclaimed.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (2) (12:50):
Which often leans us away from really
facing death more directly,something that is inevitable.
But so uncomfortable, and thatwas my reason for wanting to do
this podcast.
And I'm so glad, Beth, that youcould share with us how working
with the dying has reshaped youroutlook.
And I hope that my reflectionson my own journey from death

(13:11):
avoidance to learning how tothink about it in a more direct
and healthy way can help ourlisteners begin to think about
this really difficult topic thatwe are going to continue on
Thursday with part two of ourconversation.
Beth is going to share a movingbedside story and explain
something that I had never heardbefore, that our bodies actually

(13:35):
know how to die.
And we're gonna look at somereally practical ways that you
can begin to practice letting goin small, daily, not scary or
creepy steps, because both of usbelieve doing small daily steps
can really help you when bigmoments come because you'll be
more prepared.

(13:56):
So I hope you'll join us forThursday's episode.
It's one you won't want to miss.
Thanks for listening to creatingMidlife Calm.
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