December 23, 2025 • 56 mins
In this deeply emotional episode of Cry It Out Loud, NBC News Chief Weather Forecaster Melissa Zaremba shares her personal journey through pregnancy loss, grief, and navigating the heartbreak of passing her baby daughter Evelyn’s due date.
Melissa opens up about losing her baby at 16 weeks, going through the birthing process in the hospital, and the ways she honors her daughter every day. She talks honestly about the emotional trauma of miscarriage, the societal silence surrounding baby loss, and how she’s found the courage to speak openly giving her daughter a voice she never got to use.
This episode is for anyone who has experienced:
Miscarriage or early pregnancy loss
Stillbirth or infant loss
Pregnancy after loss
Grief during the holidays or milestones
Melissa’s story reminds us that every loss matters, grief has no timeline, and healing can coexist with heartbreak.
Listen for heartfelt guidance, validation, and hope because no parent should grieve alone.
Resources Mentioned:
Visit Chasing the Rainbows for free support groups, peer mentorship, care packages, journals, mindful movement, private chat communities and other trauma-informed support resources for infertility, pregnancy and infant loss families.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:11):
Crying Out Loud, a podcast by Chasing the Rainbows with your
host Bernice Quisenberry. Welcome back to Cried Out Loud,
a podcast done by Chasing the Rainbows.
Today's episode is 1. I want you to take in slowly,
(00:33):
like a breath you didn't realizeyou were holding.
We are joined by someone whose presence many of you know from
the weather forecast. But today, she's here in a
different kind of storm. Melissa Zurimba, she's the chief
weather forecaster for NBC News 11 and Fox 9, experienced A
heartbreaking loss this June when her daughter, Evelyn Rose,
was born at 16 weeks. And as the holidays approached
(00:55):
and as November arrived, the month that should have been
Evelyn's birth month, Melissa found herself navigating a
reality no parent prepares for, passing her baby girl's due date
with empty arms. This episode isn't just about
loss. It's about love.
It's about the ache of December lights without the baby you
wished you were rocking to sleep.
It's about giving a voice to a daughter who never got to speak.
(01:17):
It's about finding ways to honorthe babies who should be here,
but are instead held in a different way.
Melissa, thank you so much for being here, for bringing your
heart, and for allowing us to hold space for Evelyn today.
Yeah, thank you so much, Bernice, for having me.
And you know, it's definitely been tough, but I just want to
be here and share my story and help other people.
(01:39):
So I'm hoping those people that are going through what I went
through, this really helps and they can relate and feel not
alone. So that's why I'm here.
So I'm super excited to join youand talk about my experience.
Thank you and thanks and I, you know, I would love for you to
dive in and tell our listeners, you know, about your story about
Evelyn. Anything you would like to
(02:00):
share? Yeah, so I unexpectedly got
pregnant with my boyfriend. Like we weren't even trying or
planning it. And all of a sudden I didn't
even really have symptoms either.
Like, you know, I've always wanted a baby and of course I've
always wanted a baby girl. Obviously, like this was a dream
come true When I found out the timing was a little unexpected,
(02:22):
but at the end of the day, I wassuper excited and we couldn't
wait. We were making plans and
everything. So we went to our first couple
appointments and she was doing great.
You know, she had good heartbeatand my boyfriend, he's a
firefighter and paramedic and sohe works in the medical.
(02:42):
So I would ask him and be like, does her heartbeat sound good?
Does she sound good? Does she look good?
So like he would give me like that thumbs up and you have she
has a great strong heartbeat. So we went to those appointments
and everything was great. We did that testing to, you
know, do the genetics and everything.
And so we waited on that and then we finally did the gender
(03:06):
reveal, which was super exciting.
It was a little tough planning it, but we were super excited to
finally find out because we didn't know what we were having.
We gave it to one of my boyfriend's friend.
So my boyfriend's curve, he actually gave it to his really
good friend and she kept the secret for like months.
So we actually did a whole reveal, which was amazing and
(03:30):
the best, one of the best days of our lives because it was so
great. He was a firefighter, so he
actually had his friend die in the fire truck.
And we sprayed it. And when we saw that it turned
pink. I was so excited because I want.
So, yeah. So we were having our gender
reveal. So we're super excited about
(03:51):
that. And you know, we had the water
come out of the fire truck and me and Kurt sprayed it and it
turned pink and I was just like already crying because I've
always wanted to be a girl mom. And a girl is something I've
always wanted. Like, don't get me wrong, I
would love a little boy, but I'mjust super girly.
(04:11):
And I wanted like that little girl best friend.
So I was really excited because I know in Kurt's family to get a
girl is so special because they have more boys and they've only
had few girls. So I was just like, wow, we
actually got a girl like so we were super excited and we had
our follow up appointment that following Monday.
(04:33):
So we did the gender reveal thatSaturday and then we went and
did our appointment. And it does suck though, because
we I had work that day. Kurt was actually working too.
And then we went in and I was super excited.
My doctor told me how I was feeling and I will say my
pregnancy, I feel like a lot of women don't always get lucky.
(04:57):
But like my pregnancy I didn't even know I was pregnant for a
good month. I had no symptoms.
The only reason I found out is because, you know, having a
missed period. And I was like wow, OK I'm late
and then got tested, took a testand took a couple of them.
So that's how I knew. So during my pregnancy it's was
super easy. All I felt was really tired and
(05:19):
a little nauseous and hungry. So I enjoyed eating and you
know, all that stuff. So that was really, really a
good pregnancy. So I didn't really have any like
terrible morning sickness or anything like that.
So when we went to my appointment, my doctor was
asking me, oh, how are you feeling?
And I'm like, fantastic. I'm like, I'm feeling great.
(05:41):
I actually wore a pink top because I knew it was a girl and
I was just like, I'm wearing pink today because we finally
found out what we're having and it was a girl.
So I was super excited and he was excited.
I haven't felt anything like, you know, being pregnant and
being that new going into that new motherly role, you, you
(06:02):
sense when things are wrong. But I didn't like going into
that appointment. I felt great excited.
I was excited that now we have a, we know what we're having.
It's a girl and we're going to start shopping for it, her and
everything. So then we had our like
appointment where we were starting to like he was doing
the ultrasound and everything and looking at her and I didn't
(06:27):
even really notice he was struggling.
Like, I just thought maybe she was, like, sleeping because our
last appointment, she was like, laying there and you, like, got
her to move and, like, pushed onmy belly and she started moving.
So I thought maybe she was sleeping and she's taking after
me because I'm not a morning person.
I'm more of that night owl. So I just thought maybe she was
(06:50):
sleeping. And then he just kind of kept
taking a while, like, to find, you know, the heartbeat and
stuff. And then finally he just stopped
and he was just like, I can't find her heartbeat.
Yeah, I like, you know, hearing those words were the worst
(07:11):
things. Like, you go into your
appointment super excited to seeyour baby and be happy.
And I finally found out I was having the girl I always wanted.
And then to get that, you can't find her heartbeat was really
just gut retching. Like I just felt like somebody
just like, punched me or like, hurt me in the stomach.
It just felt terrible. But still, even in that moment I
(07:35):
will say like I was still positive.
Like I honestly thought it's fine.
Like we live in Yuma, we're a small town so we had to go
somewhere else to get a more detailed ultrasound.
So we went somewhere else that day.
We had to wait a couple of hoursactually, and that was awful.
Like I Remember Me and my boyfriend were just sitting on
(07:56):
the couch crying, waiting. And I'm like, I think, is she
OK? Do you think she's OK?
Like she has to be OK Because I was getting bigger and, you
know, everyone was noticing thatmy stomach was growing and I was
getting bigger. So I didn't think anything was
wrong. So we went to that appointment
and I was waiting and we're and I was just already crying before
(08:18):
we went into that more detailed ultrasound.
That's the place we go to. Like when you hit that 20 weeks
mark. So we are waiting.
And then as soon as the nurse came in, she even told me she
was, we talked to your doctor. I just want to prepare you now
that you most likely won't hear a heartbeat and we're not going
(08:39):
to get that. So she kind of already prepared
me in a way, but part of me justdidn't think it was real.
And I just kept thinking, no, no, like you're going to find
it. And she looked and then the
doctor came in, was able to likelook at Evelyn and more details
because I'm like, what could have happened?
Because that's something that when you're you've never been
(09:00):
pregnant before, I didn't even think, you know, I never tried
to get pregnant. So like to actually get pregnant
and have a baby inside, you know, my belly, like I never
thought that could happen. And it did.
So I was really excited and happy.
And then to have that taken fromme just really hurts.
(09:21):
And having the doctor, like, look at her and take like, you
know, the more detailed pictures.
Yeah, unfortunately, like, they kept telling me that I didn't do
anything wrong. But still, you blame yourself.
You still think. You still think.
And then it just is unfortunate because I didn't feel anything,
(09:41):
like most or most and even a lotof women, like, feel that
something's wrong or they get bleeding or they get really bad
cramping. I had none of that.
So that's just what's weird. Like going to this appointment,
it's like completely blindsided.Like, you know, I didn't even
know like I felt great. No crampings, no bleeding.
(10:04):
Like I will say the whole time Iwas pregnant, anytime I went to
the restroom, that was like the thing I always looked for is to
make sure I wasn't bleeding. That was just something I was
always paranoid about and I justlooked and made sure and going
to this appointment, I was just,we were shocked, very shocked,
and I didn't know how to deal with it because you never think
(10:26):
it's going to happen to you until it does.
And it's just a whole new world.Yes, yeah.
You see life out of a different lens, Melissa, It's so true.
And you like most of the time everyone focuses on those first
12 weeks, right? They're like, if you get through
those first 12 weeks, all those things, right?
And then to get past them and it's still horrific anytime, any
(10:50):
stage and age of your baby losing them is horrific.
And you get past the clear mark.And a lot of times, you know,
the late term baby loss and things like that, you know,
aren't talked about, you know, aren't as they should be.
Yeah. So like I, yeah, we thought we
were in that safe zone. Like we made it to that second
(11:12):
trimester was the early part. But still we made it that far.
And I thought we were good like and not having any symptoms or
anything. Like I felt very strong and
confident about everything. And so to go in that appointment
and be happy and not know anything's wrong and then hear
the doctor say she's gone and can't find her heartbeat, it
(11:36):
just, it still doesn't make sense to me till this day.
Like I'm still very confused. And even even though like they
say it's not your fault, I feel like maybe I could have done
something better. Maybe I should have eaten
better. Because I will say, being
pregnant, I enjoy pigging out because I'm kind of one of those
people, like who tries to watch what I eat and, you know, be
(11:58):
kind of careful. So I really enjoyed everything.
And she was my friend. She's my best friend.
And you know, having her in my belly, like I've always felt not
alone. She was always there if I was
having a good day, bad day, or Iwas emotional, like she was
always there for me. I just touched my belly and I
(12:19):
was just like, she's here. Like she's in there.
And then when we went to the doctor and found out, she was
gone. Like the whole process, they
don't prepare you for either. Like they were like, OK, you
got, I had to go back to my doctor and make a plan.
And I was like telling my boyfriend I'm like a plan.
I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, we have to get her
out. And I was like, didn't even
(12:42):
think about that. And we live in a smaller town,
so it does suck because we had to wait a couple of days before.
So we found out we lost her and then we had to wait a couple of
days. Yeah.
And I am going to go back and talk about kind of what went
(13:04):
wrong and I guess if you want tocall it that.
Because, yeah, like when I askedwhat was wrong and what
happened, they said not my fault.
I guess she just, they think shewas like either stopped growing
because she was measuring 14 weeks.
So I carried her for 16 weeks and she was measuring 14.
(13:25):
So she was little and they were like, she either stopped growing
and she finally passed or she just passed.
Like they think I could have possibly still held her for two
weeks dead. Hearing that is really upsetting
too, because it's like it's still early.
(13:46):
You can't feel anything. And it's so unfortunate.
But yeah, that, yeah, it was just some, I guess one of those
genetic things. So it's just she was missing a
chromosome and she just didn't make it.
So they're like, it's nothing meor Kurt had genetically or
anything like that. It was just what my doctor told
(14:07):
me that was really helped me understand was just, it's just
science. It's just was doing its thing
and it just didn't line up. And that helped me kind of
understand because for a while Ijust kept asking my boyfriend
like, what exactly happened? I don't understand.
And so they kind of helped me understand, like, not your
(14:27):
fault. It's just some type of genetic
thing that it's nothing you did or Kurt did.
It's just didn't line up and shejust passed.
And that was really still hard. Like till this day like, I still
can't accept it. Yeah.
Like it's just, I know. We never get those answers fully
(14:52):
and there's not enough research,there's not enough, you know,
around this to understand what causes it or, you know, to tell
us exactly what it is and how even just to know, you know,
'cause those feelings of shame, blame and guilt we do as birth
Mamas, you know, as like holdingour babies and you know, our
(15:13):
when our bodies don't do the onething that we're supposed to do
and it happens in a loss like this and it's traumatic and
losing her babies. It's so hard to live with and
understand. Yeah.
And I remember like we finally decided what we were going to do
and we were just going to go to the hospital and birth her
instead of because like I, I wanted to still see her and
(15:36):
spend time with her because likeall the options they gave, there
was like 3 options and me and myboyfriend just didn't like any
of those. And I'm like it's going to be
tough to go through that. But till this day I don't regret
that because I actually got to see her, hold her, take
pictures, spend time with her. And the nurses were so nice.
They let her stay with us on an ice pack all night and she slept
(15:59):
by me till that day. Like I just wish she was still
here. Like even though she's not alive
like I told my boyfriend I was like I just wish I could still
just carry her little body with me even if she was dead.
I know that probably sounds crazy but just the fact that she
would still be here. Like waking up to her even
though she wasn't alive, just having her next to me looking at
(16:23):
her and touching her I was. It felt comforting because she's
my baby, so. I know our, our our arms ache
without our babies here with us right at any stage or age.
And so, like we want nothing more than to just hold them and
have them. Yeah, Melissa.
(16:43):
I just, I really, it's probably because it's still new.
Like it just happened in June ofthis year.
So it's still fresh. But at the same time, like
everyone keeps telling me like Iam going to therapy and I'm
trying, you know, to help myselfand take time and heal and but
(17:04):
everyone keeps telling me it's going to get easier.
But I just don't see that being true.
I don't know it's just because it's fresh or what, but it's
just that's the one thing everyone says is like, it will
get easier. I know it doesn't seem that way,
but eventually you will cope. You will never forget her, but
you will learn to just live withit and deal with it.
(17:26):
And I don't know, I just my heart.
I just still can't. Yeah, I, I don't know.
It's just, it's just, it's a terrible situation.
And when it all happened, and I finally, because like, you know,
I work in news. So on Mother's Day, I announced
that I was going to be a mom because I thought that was going
(17:47):
to be a good time for my viewers.
Because I was like, they got to know because they're going to
know I'm getting big. And I'm like, I don't want him
to think I'm just, you know, gaining some weight.
And I wanted to know. So I picked Mother's Day to say
like, I would be a mom. So that was a really special
moment. And then after like some months
(18:08):
went by, like then I just disappeared.
I didn't go to work after everything happened.
I took that three month off to just recover just to kind of be
ready because it's like I have, you know, I have a hard job
where it's like I got to go on TV and look happy all the time
and do my hair and makeup. So that was really tough.
(18:28):
So I was like, I'm taking my time off.
So I took that three month period off and just really
focused on myself. If I want to just lay in bed.
I did cried. So I did all of that and after
like I finally shared my story because a lot of people were
like, where is she? She just one day she was on air
(18:49):
and the next day she was gone. And it was so unexpected.
It's like I was had my gender reveal planning to go to work
that day on that Monday after myappointment.
And then I just never came back.So that was really hard to not
just for me, but to share with my viewers and people and to
just like, you know, I had to make a post and just like share
(19:12):
and say like this is what happened.
I'm going to be gone for a little bit and it just sucks
because once I finally explaineda little bit on little bit of
the story and what happened, people, more people kept
reaching out to me and my boyfriend Kurt and telling us
like this happened to me. And me and Kurt were so
(19:34):
surprised with how common this is.
And it's just so crazy that nobody talks about it.
And that's kind of why I built that strength to talk about it
and share because I'm like, I feel like this deserves
attention. This needs to be talked about
more. And This is why I'm here, and
(19:56):
This is why I keep trying to spread more awareness is 'cause
I just want more people to feel comfortable talking about it,
'cause the numbers. And everything, like I did have
our news do a special story and me and Kurt actually did an
interview and talked about our story to all of our people here
in town. And it's just crazy how so many
(20:17):
people continue to say thank youfor sharing your story that
helped me. Or I went through the same
thing, or I went for something similar.
And it's just crazy how nobody says anything.
Yes, it's, you know, when we're going through these losses and
hearing one and four, it's like that isn't really comforting,
(20:37):
but it's like it kind of is knowing that, OK, where are
they? Like where are those one and
four? And that's, you know, why we
have a community here at Chasingthe Rainbows for everyone to
unite because it's so important.It's because if not, you know,
it was really hard grieving alone and feeling that
loneliness, right, and isolationthat all of us have felt at one
(20:58):
point or another. So having that community is so
important, behind you and besideyou to carry you when the grief
is heavy and overwhelming, whichit is for a while.
You know, for me at least, I should say it was for a while.
I guess I had complicated grief is what it's called.
But yeah, Melissa, I feel you somuch on all of this.
(21:18):
Yeah, and it's just, it's just such an eye opener when it
happens to you because you just never think about any of this.
And it's just crazy that I was so happy.
And then to tell my parents and family and friends and they were
just like, what? Because they, my mom literally
just saw me for our gender reveal And she was like, you're
getting bigger. You look good.
(21:40):
And then to call her that following Monday and tell her
that she's gone. It's just so unfortunate because
we finally found out we're having a girl and we were
starting to plan now. We missed out on all of those
great opportunities. Like even picking her name.
I had no names picked out. Like I thought I had my whole
(22:01):
pregnancy to pick out a name andI know a lot of women have their
names already kind of picked outand their dream names.
I wasn't one of those. I actually was like, I'm going
to wait till the moment, kind ofjust go through that my
pregnancy and pick and then whenI hold her, I'll know.
But I didn't have time. We only had those two days.
(22:23):
Like we had to wait two days before we could actually have
her and just two days to plan what?
Everyone has months to find thatspecial name.
Yeah. But I will say I saw her name on
TikTok a lot. And I don't know why I always
liked it. And I kept going back and forth
(22:45):
with her name. And then I looked up the meaning
of it. And the meaning is like, I read
there was like wished for. And it's just so crazy to me
because she's something I've always wished for and wanted my
whole life because I'm actually in my 30s and I'm like, this is
my time where I'm like, even in my 20s, I've always wanted a
baby. And it's just being a mom is
(23:07):
always something I've always wanted.
And people who do know me know when I said I was pregnant,
they're we're excited because this is what you always wanted.
I'm like, yeah. So getting her was just a the
wish I always wanted and it justreally sucks that she was taken
because it's just very unfortunate too because my
boyfriend and me our relationship was also kind of
(23:27):
new too. So we got pregnant in a new
relationship. But I remember the night before
we went to our appointment, I told my boyfriend I'm like you
and this baby are the best things that's ever happened to
me and it's all I've ever wanted.
Like that night, I, that's literally what I told him and
then to go the next day. And then it was just taken for
(23:49):
me. I, it still doesn't make sense
to me. It's like, why would I hold her
for that long? Why didn't she go sooner?
It's just those you have all those questions that you just
never get answers to. Yes.
And it's really hard to process and deal and live with and learn
how to live with and to a point,you know, where we have to find
(24:13):
the comfort. We have to find, you know, like
we processed it enough. We, you know, discussed it from
all angles. You know, I don't know how many
times I felt like I needed to ask questions, just medical
questions to my doctor about different things to figure stuff
out just because we want those answers.
These are our babies, you know, And for us to continue to live a
(24:34):
life without them in our arms, you know, we have to do whatever
we have to do to find that comfort.
Yeah, and I just feel like it's still never enough.
No, no, Melissa. No.
I know those Google deep dives staying up late doing, you know,
looking for things. Yeah, yeah.
(24:55):
And it's just, I would never want this to happen to anybody.
Like not even my worst enemy. I would never want them to go
through this because it's just awful.
It's just this is the most exciting, special moment in your
life. And then things happen and now
it just triggers even more things that I'm worried about.
(25:17):
Now, if I do decide to, you know, try for another baby one
day, I'm going to be paranoid. I feel like this pregnancy I had
with Evelyn, I was excited. I love being pregnant.
I couldn't wait for my stomach to get bigger.
I kept saying I wish it gets bigger.
So when I finally started growing, I was excited.
So now I feel like if I do that again, I'm just not going to
(25:40):
enjoy it. I'm just going to be scared,
like, oh, is she OK? Is she OK?
Like every appointment, I'm going to be nervous versus
excited. It just takes the joy out of
something that is supposed to bejoyful.
Yeah. I don't know how I'm going to
cope with that or how anyone copes with that.
Yes, that bliss afterwards and everything, it's right.
It's completely robbed of us. And that's why we hold space for
(26:03):
pregnancy after loss support groups because then people can
come in and talk about it 'causewe're reliving our traumas all
over again. And it's hard not to.
Every appointment, every time wego to the bathroom, you know,
and, and trying to, you know, for nine months and now knowing
how common this is and everything too.
It's like I said, not comfortingearlier.
(26:25):
And this is one of those situations, pregnancy after
loss, to know, you know, is thisgoing to happen again?
There's no guarantee. And we've already, yeah.
And it's unfortunate too becauselike people who don't go through
it just don't understand. And I hate saying that because I
don't want them to go through it, but it just people don't
(26:46):
realize what we feel every day. Like I know just driving to work
or getting ready for work, I just start crying or just get
emotional and it's just a pain that just you carry with.
And I just feel so heavy all thetime and empty.
And it's just those things that a lot of people don't realize.
Like they'll look at me like, oh, she looks happy, she looks
(27:06):
good. But really it's like, no, do you
realize the pain inside that? I'm, I'm literally probably, if
you look inside me, I'm probablyalways crying and hurt.
It's just those things. And I hate sometimes being happy
too, because I don't want to be happy without my sleeping.
That's another thing is I feel guilty trying to be happy and I
(27:29):
know she would want me to be happy.
Yes, yes, Melissa, yes, you do. Because I, I know I felt the
same way. Like I almost like my sadness
was a connection to her, right. And like I felt like if I was
happy, that means that I'm getting over her and I wasn't
getting over her. And nor do I think we ever do.
It's, you know, we just learn tolive with and continue to move
(27:49):
forward, but with them in a different way.
And it's like, but you do you feel like a shell of a person.
Like the first year I didn't, I can't really remember anything
that happened that first year after losing our baby.
And just like, like I know I waspresent at different things, but
you're a shell of a like inside.It's just like so much pain and
from, you know, traumatically losing our babies.
(28:13):
Yeah, until this day, like I still can't accept it.
Like I still don't think it's real.
Like having those reminders. That's the worst too, is you
always have a reminder. Like I went to my last therapy
appointment last week and they were like on my chart, they just
were asking like, because they always take my blood pressure
(28:34):
and everything before I go in. And then they a question popped
up for them to ask me and they were like, are you
breastfeeding? And I'm like, no.
So it's like you're always getting those reminders every
single day that people don't realize.
And it's just sometimes I'm like, I want it to end, but then
I don't want it to end because Ifeel like, you know, you want to
(28:57):
have those moments to always remember and think about your
baby, you know, So having those you're like, you always remember
and think about it, but that same time it brings back all the
negative things, you know, So it's just, and then another hard
thing is like seeing everyone else have babies or announcing
(29:20):
their pregnancy. And it's like I feel like when
you're your experience happened,you lost your baby.
I feel like you just see more ofthose pregnancy announcements
and people having their babies. Like I feel like ever since my
experience and I lost Evelyn, I feel like that's always what I'm
seeing the other person's pregnant.
(29:42):
I don't even know these people. Like, you know, it's just on
your feet. You just get them.
And it's just like torturing me sometimes.
But it's hard to stay off and it's just all the time.
It's just there's a reminder andit's it's hard to deal with
every single day. Yes, I'm still trying to figure
it out. Yes, I know it.
(30:03):
You know, I look at the timelinein life, like my life's timeline
and say, you know, there's OK, was this before or after Brooke?
Like is what I do. And it's interesting because
there's such a distinction. Like, you know, it's almost
like, yeah, just that hard line in the sand because, like, this
was who I was before, and she completely changed me.
(30:23):
And now this is who I am today. And I'll never get that person
back. And I think that was also a
really hard reality to live with, too, was understanding,
like, I'm AI. She's changed me.
Yeah, like, I honestly feel thattoo.
Like she's brought so much, so much to my life and she's always
going to be a part of it. And it's just crazy that I'll
(30:46):
never get to, you know, have herhere because, like, she made me
a mom. And I never thought that would
happen because I never tried. So just even having that alone,
becoming a mom, that is special.But it, it is really sad to
think if I do try to have another baby one day, I'm always
(31:08):
going to want her. And it just makes me think,
yeah, how am I going to move on?Like I feel like I'm, I
shouldn't have another baby because she was my baby.
And I would hate, I don't want to feel like I'm replacing her
even though we're not. But I just think that's an
emotion a lot of us have is we're just, we want a baby so
(31:28):
bad that we want to try, but then we don't want to try
because we're like, we don't want to ever replace our baby.
We lost, yes. We're constantly like living in
two like worlds and like trying to understand how they like
merge together, right, like the one with our, you know, babies.
We don't hold in our arms. We hold in our hearts that we
(31:49):
want in like yearn for and search for and just would do
anything to have them here. And then also like
understanding, you know, what our future holds or what that
looks like and will we have any,you know, living and getting to
that point too? I know and, you know, deciding
is that something that we want? But society makes us feel like,
you know, when we were sharing about our baby loss, we're like,
(32:11):
we'll try again. And like that always like
resonates like or like at least you got pregnant or, you know,
just go have another one. And it's like we just can't go
have another one. And like babies don't replace
babies, right? Like you said, Melissa, you said
it so perfectly, like it's neverthat.
And so, but it's learning first like who we are and how to live
with, you know, this profound grief of baby not being here
(32:35):
like we have planned and hoped for our whole entire lives.
Yeah, that's what it goes back to.
Like people just don't understand and it I know they
don't mean when they say certainthings like what you just said,
like, oh, you can try for another one.
At least you got pregnant. At least you know, you can have
kids or you know, stuff like that.
(32:56):
But at the same time, I hate hearing those or people.
The one thing I really don't like is when people say things
happen for a reason. Like what was the reason why our
babies died? Like there is no reason for
that, you know? I that's the one thing I hate
that I've honestly been so emotional.
But I bet you one of these days I'm probably going to snap and
(33:16):
be like, no, because I know somebody did say that.
And I'm like, no, I was like that.
I will not believe like in my everyday life sometimes, yeah,
like I do say like, you know, things happen for a reason.
But when it comes to like this situation, I cannot get behind
that. And that's something I've heard
a few times from people. And I know they don't mean it in
that negative way, but I take itin that negative way and get
(33:38):
upset. And it's just one of these days,
like when I hear that, I'm just like, part of me is just gets
angry. Like, no, like my daughter
didn't deserve to die. I didn't deserve this.
My boyfriend, my family, nobody does that baby.
All of our babies are so special.
(33:59):
And it's just very unfortunate when they're taken and to hear
those words that I just can't get behind that.
No, and it almost minimizes it because like you're saying,
Melissa, like we say that in like everyday, like small little
things, like everything happens for a reason.
Not when it comes to loss and baby loss is the only time
people say that. I know we preach this on the
(34:19):
podcast. It's a recurring theme because
unfortunately it's said too manytimes during this when someone
loses a parent or a grandparent,they don't say everything
happens for a reason. It's only during these scenarios
and I know, so I'm the type of person now, you know, being a
couple years out from my loss. Now when someone makes those
comments or says those same things to me still to this day,
(34:41):
it's like, can I just educate you so you don't do this in the
next lost mom or lost parent that you talk to?
Because I need to tell you that is so insensitive and explain
why. Cuz I just feel like please
don't do that to the next one. Please don't.
Like it's OK. You said it to me fine.
Like I can, you know, I'm not init now.
Like in the like depths of like,cuz I swear that first like year
(35:02):
or two, it was just like, what is happening?
I, I, you know, you don't want to alienate yourself even more
and isolate yourself even more from people because you already
feel that from all the grieving and like your heartache that you
have. And so I know it's just awful.
Yeah, so like you kind of said, like it's like we're living in
like 2 different lives and worlds.
(35:26):
Like I feel like everyone keeps going and I'm just here.
You're stopped, yes. And I just even though I am
still getting back into doing mynormal things, I just still feel
like stopped. Yeah, like going and doing the
routine. I remember I couldn't even go to
the store for like months. Like I finally went to the store
(35:48):
and I got anxiety. Like I remember that first like
store experience. I just was upset.
Like I just had so much anxiety.Like I just couldn't do it.
I'm like, I love going to Targetand it's like one of the things
that I love to do. And it's like when I finally
went out, like it was just, it was hard doing that.
(36:09):
And that's what I kind of tried to explain to people too, like
it's OK to take your time on thing, but on things.
But people who haven't been through it don't realize they're
like, what did you do while you were gone, like for three
months? Did you like, what did you do?
And I was like, nothing stayed at home.
I was like, I didn't even leave the house.
Like I would go for car rides. That was the most I would do
(36:33):
that. I was like, like if my boyfriend
wanted to go somewhere, I was like, OK, I'll go, but I'll stay
in the car. Like that's the only thing I
would do is just, yeah, I know you don't know too is when you
go through this loss and especially how far you've gone
and birthing. Like I didn't even realize all
(36:55):
the after, like they were still like, oh, wait, X amount of
weeks before you can just go in a pool or you're still going to
bleed or you're still going to feel this way.
So it's just like like a lot of people that I have opened up to
and told them like I didn't knowyou went through all that.
(37:16):
I didn't know you still had that.
And I'm like, yeah, I was like, it's an eye opener.
You just don't really know unless you've gone through it.
And it's like, I know till this day, like I still can't believe
everything that has happened. And when I first had her, I
still kept thinking she was in my belly for a while.
(37:38):
Or there was part of me that didn't even want to go to the
doctor because like I mentioned,we live in a small town.
We have like 1 hospital. So that's why we had to wait a
little longer. We couldn't just rush to the
hospital to get her out. And then part of me was like
hoping they wouldn't even call because I was like, well, maybe
they won't call so I can keep her.
But then eventually she would have came out is what I've
(37:59):
learned too. So it's just, yeah, the whole
thing is just not what you expect or think about.
And that's kind of what I hope people try to understand.
Like, even though you haven't been through it, I just want
people to understand and be sensitive and not say certain
things. I just, that's another thing
(38:19):
with doing stuff like this. It's not only, you know,
spreading awareness and trying to comfort others who've gone
through it, but it's also to educate people to say, hey,
like, just because you haven't gone through it, you still need
to try to understand and be sensitive to those people and
realize that a loss is a loss nomatter how many weeks.
(38:40):
Because that's another thing people say.
I mean, I haven't had that said to me, but some people will tell
other people like, well, at least it was only a couple weeks
or at least it was this like, no, like that's another thing,
sensitive thing. I hate when people say that too,
or I hear other people say that to others.
Like, this is what I'm really hoping and why I became so
(39:03):
strong. And spreading awareness is not
only to help those that are going through it, but yeah, to
spread education of those to be like, hey, be more mindful to us
and how we're feeling. Absolutely.
And there's insensitivities. I know they think they're
comforting, but if you're opening your mouth and saying at
least, or you should at the beginning of your sentence,
(39:25):
don't say it like there is no need for that because anything
that comes out afterwards is notgoing to be helpful and it's not
going to take our pain away. So.
Yeah, Melissa, how did you do you know, with your first
Thanksgiving, your holiday with it?
And how did you honor sweet Evelyn?
Yeah, like I feel like I love the holidays.
(39:47):
I'm sure a lot of us do. But this year I honestly hate
the holidays. I don't want to do anything.
I just want to stay at home. It was hard, like Thanksgiving,
I forced myself to go have a small Thanksgiving with some
family, but that was hard. Like personally I rather have
just wanted to stay at home. So coping with it, it's just.
(40:10):
I think I'm getting to that point where it's like, I'm still
hurting and upset, but you're just learning to kind of deal
with it. That's why I ended up going to
Thanksgiving dinners because I'mlike, well, I feel like I need
to. I probably should or I'll be at
home crying. So I'm just kind of starting to
just go with it. But it is really hard because it
(40:33):
would have been her first Thanksgiving.
And it's like seeing everyone else posting about their babies
or even just their families. Like I honestly get emotional
when people just post about their kids, even if it's not a
baby, even if it's like their teenager, their little little
kid, like they're just, you know, not a baby.
(40:53):
I still get emotional and upset because I'm like, oh, at least
they have their their child there.
They at least are making these memories.
I don't. And the ones who are going for
it, we don't get to have these memories.
Like her due date was the week before Thanksgiving.
(41:14):
And all I could tell my boyfriend on Thanksgiving was
like, Evelyn would have been here.
She would have been here by now.We would have been just, I've
been on maternity leave. I'd be staying here.
I would be still recovering. I would be just holding her and
playing with her and taking careof her.
But that's what I wanted. I was, I'm excited for that and
(41:34):
so it's just, it was hard to deal with and I'm honestly
dreading Christmas because I would have been the first
Christmas. So it's like, it does really, it
really hurts and sucks and it's something you'll never, I just
feel like you'll just never copewith, but you're just learning
to deal with and somewhat try toenjoy your holiday.
(41:56):
But I do always try to honor herand it does make me happy to do
that stuff. So I always get her flowers,
just any festive flowers. So I got her some Thanksgiving
flowers. I'm planning to get her some
Christmas flowers. I got her a white pumpkin for
October and I still kept that out through November because
November is still pumpkin season.
(42:17):
So I kept her little white pumpkin out for those last
couple of months and I finally transitioned into her pink tree
that I got. But that's something with loss.
It's like you love honoring yourbaby in these ways, but then you
stop and think and it's just like, it shouldn't be this way
(42:38):
because I still get emotional. Like I'll put her tree out.
Like I put her tree out and I'm just like, oh, it looks so cute.
But then you just stop and thinkand it's just like, she would
have been here. You shouldn't be doing like, I
don't know. I just feel like no one should
go through this at all. And the holidays, you just feel
even more empty. Another reminder.
(42:59):
And it's just another emotional day, which a lot of people I
hope will realize that too. Because I know going through
this, I don't want people to be scared to invite me to things
and just assume, oh, she's just not going to come because she's
going through it. Like, no, I would rather make
that decision myself. I don't want people to be scared
(43:19):
to like invite me, talk to me like.
So that's another thing I've been struggling with too, is I
feel like some people are afraidto approach me or invite me
because they're just like, and she's not going to come or, and
she doesn't want to talk about it.
How do you know? I'd rather people have those
uncomfortable conversations thannot have them at all.
(43:40):
Yes, we always say to people, you know, make yourself
uncomfortable to make the other one comfortable.
That is what is grief support, right?
When you're supporting a loved one, a friend, a family, it's
interesting because your circle almost gets smaller in these
situations. And after we go through our
losses of our babies because thepeople that don't understand or
don't invite us or don't want totalk about it or don't want to
(44:00):
hear about it, it's like, you know, it does like get us to
like quality over quantity anymore with our friend and
family group, you know? Yeah, I know that is true.
And I feel like, yeah, your friend group does kind of get a
little smaller because you when you go through something like
this, you kind of you realize who your real friends are and
who is really there for you. Because also, like, I've had
(44:24):
acquaintances who didn't even congratulate me on my pregnancy.
But as soon as I announced that I lost Evelyn, they were quick
to give me their condolences. And I'm like, you can't be happy
for me in my good and bad times.You should be there for both.
Be there in those happy moments,be there for me and those not
(44:45):
happy moments. That's like what a real friend
or just a person with a good heart has.
So I've experienced a lot of that too.
And it's really unfortunate because I'm like, I remember
those people that were really happy when I was pregnant and
then those who want to come and try to comfort me now.
Why weren't you there when I wasexcited and now that I'm sad you
(45:07):
want to be there? I feel like that's another thing
that I've gone through and I'm sure a lot of other people go
through as well. Absolutely.
Yeah. And it's really understanding.
Like, who are those true people who are in your life and your
ride or die? You know, the ones that are
going to stand beside you through thick and thin and not
just be there for the glory daysor when they need something.
(45:30):
And it's a harsh reality, but I also felt like it was something
that, you know, our daughter gave us is having those like who
intentionally and I am I going to have in my life today and who
do I want to spend my time with because our time is so valuable.
You know, look, you know how short our, you know, babies were
here, even though you know theirgreatest blessings and gifts?
(45:51):
It's like, you know, time is tootoo precious, too valuable.
Yeah, and it's great. But also unfortunate is when you
find people who've gone through it and you bond, you make a bond
through our lost babies. And it's just, it's great.
But it's just sad because it's like, why do we have to have
these relationships where we bond over such a sad and
(46:15):
heartbreaking and most awful thing that has ever happened in
our life? And that's how we become like
friends or we relate to each other.
It's just, it's just unfortunate, but a blessing too,
because then it's like, oh, it'snice to have somebody who gets
it and understands. Yeah, so.
Yeah. Yeah, obviously.
(46:37):
Yeah, it's just a terrible thing.
But I'm just, you said, swingingalong every day.
Yeah. Oh, Melissa, Now, you said that
you earlier that you were seeinga therapist.
What else have you been doing tocope?
And I love that you get her flowers for every holiday, too,
to honor her and make her a partof, you know, the holiday and
(46:59):
the day and, yeah, the season. Yeah.
So honestly, yeah, like I don't really do too much.
All I'm doing is just constantlygoing to therapy, just talking
about it, being open and honestly sharing with it on
social media. I was really scared to talk
about it. I know just to say the
announcement that we lost her, Iwas like nervous.
(47:22):
Like I remember I was sweating and just so nervous because it's
just like, you never know how people are going to look at it.
Like I was telling my boyfriend,I'm like, yeah, people are going
to be sad. I'm like, what if someone says a
negative comment and says something mean?
Because that can happen. I know.
But thankfully I didn't experience that.
So just kind of sharing really helped cope and realizing that
(47:45):
it helps others, makes me feel better and feels like I'm doing
something to help other people and that honestly helps me.
And just learning to do my everyday things slowly but
surely that also helps. I do notice when I'm busy and
distracted, it helps me to not always think about it and cry,
(48:07):
but when I'm not doing anything,it brings all that negative
stuff back. So I feel like just trying to
just slowly get to normal. I guess you want to call it?
That's really helped me buying things for her.
Like her middle name is Rose, sowe like to call her Evelyn Rose
because I just like roses and that's just a pretty flower and
(48:32):
it symbolizes me and Kurt's lovetoo, is why I decided that
because she was conceived in February, so the Valentine love
month. So I and the roses for
Valentine. So I do like to collect a lot of
like pink roses. Like anytime I see like a pink
rose or something, I'm like, I need that.
(48:53):
I want that. So that honestly buying things
for her, even though she's not here, it makes me happy.
It's sad, but it brings joy to me.
Like I like to put things on my desk.
I like to put things at home. I know during the awareness
month in October, we made ribbons to pass out to people.
Like doing stuff like that honestly has really helped me.
(49:18):
And it's really unfortunate thatI've had this situation.
But at the same time, I feel like having the situation
happened to me has helped me to bring more awareness and to just
like find a reason to kind of give back to others.
Because before, like I will say,like I come from a really great
(49:39):
family where, you know, I have my both my parents, sisters
family. I come from a loving,
supportive, great family where we don't really have a lot of
like events like this happen in our lives.
So I don't I can say when I tellpeople about like my story, I've
always like, I come from a good family.
(50:00):
Nothing really goes on. But having this, I have a story
and I feel like it's a powerful story that I can share and help.
And it's like before I never hadthat and it sucks.
But at the same time, it does make me feel better to help
people because that's I'm one ofthose people.
Like I do love to help people. And now I feel like I have such
a strong like platform and like background to give something and
(50:25):
just share my experience and be there.
So that helps me cope. So I do enjoy helping and
honoring Evelyn as much as I can.
Like getting little gifts from people that like, from her.
Like my sister got me this necklace of her name and it has
her birthstone and a heart, you know, stuff like that.
(50:48):
It's just, it's crazy how I was so like meaningful those things
are to you. And it's something just so
simple. It doesn't take much.
It's just it means everything like Evelyn is something so
special is always going to be mydaughter and I'm always going to
be her mom. And having these things, it's so
(51:08):
valuable. Like she was such a blessing and
will always be special. And it's just just wish she was
here big and holding her and laughing.
And that's something a lot of people don't know either, is
like we miss out on a lot of things.
We never get to see their first like talk or like their words
(51:30):
walk. Can't put them in a cute outfit.
Can't even see what they're fully going to look like.
Like that was one thing that I was like, what would Evelyn look
like? Like, will she have my hair,
your hair, your eyes, my eyes? Because Kurt has brown, I have
green. I'm like, what would she have
(51:51):
gotten? Like, we're always going to have
those things that we'll never get.
And it's just so sad to think about sometimes because we're
missing out on everything. Yeah, absolutely, Melissa.
Well, thank you so much for sharing all of that.
Now, what would you like to leave our listeners with?
(52:14):
I just want to say anyone that is going through it like it's OK
to feel how you feel. If you want to feel angry, feel
angry, you want to cry, you cry.Don't let anyone tell you how to
feel in your emotions. And also be understanding with
your partner. Like you guys are going to
handle things different so try not to be hard on each other.
Like if you have your partner, you guys work together and just
(52:36):
try not to, you know, kick at each other for not feeling a
certain way. And I will say that's something
I'm very blessed with with my boyfriend is like, after all
this happened, I thought I was, he's going to make me leave.
Or I, you know, what if things like, you know, we just ended up
breaking up, But I feel like we've gotten stronger.
We're stronger. We're there for each other.
(52:57):
And it's just, that's very important.
And I know a lot of people unfortunately don't always have
that. So I do want to say be kind to
yourself, be kind to your partner and just also realize
you aren't alone. There are so many people out
there who have gone through whatyou've gone through or have a
similar experience and it's OK to talk about it.
(53:18):
And always your baby is always going to be your baby and
they'll never be forgotten. Even though they're not here,
they're always going to be thereand just be kind to yourself and
just always know that your baby's going to be in your
heart, no matter if it's, you know, they're not physically
here, at least they're, they're above you, they're in your
heart. And don't be scared to talk
(53:40):
about them. I know a lot of people are just
scared to share their story. Talk about it.
Don't be scared, be open becauseyou'd be surprised with how
impactful just you saying a few words or sharing something can
impact someone else in more of apositive way.
And they'll feel not alone. Because I've had people reach
(54:02):
out to me, which I was surprisedand they said just a simple
post, just even me making those ribbons, A lot of people are
like, wow, like that helps me because I lost a baby too.
So this symbolizes my lost baby.So it's just any little thing
you do, it will really, it speaks louder than you think.
(54:24):
Melissa, thank you. Thank you for your
vulnerability. Thank you for sharing everything
that you did, for speaking Evelyn Rose's name out loud, for
letting us meet her through yourwords, and for reminding
grieving parents that the holidays may look different, but
they can still hold love, meeting, and connection.
Thank you. Yeah, no, thank you.
And I'm very thankful for you guys because I do want to say
(54:45):
one more thing. It's just crazy how everything
happened and I felt so alone. But seeing posts like what you
guys post on social, it brought so much comfort to my life and
being able to re share the wordsyou guys put there are things
that I want to share but I don'talways know how.
So having like people like you and organizations like like I
(55:09):
didn't even was, I wasn't even looking for you guys.
And it's just like going throughthis, you guys found me and it's
just a blessing to have you guysand everything you post and do.
So I'm very thankful to have support even just online.
It makes a difference. Thank you, Melissa, thank you
(55:29):
for that. And to anyone listening, you
don't have to navigate this season alone.
We do offer eleven daily supportservices for free holiday grief
groups and a community that understands and we're here for
you. So please reach out and thank
you again, Melissa, for everything, for your kind words
and for being here. It really means a lot.
(55:50):
Yeah, thank you so much for having me.
I hope this helps others. Sending you guys all a happy
holidays and big hugs and loves and all of our babies are
together. Yes.
Oh, thank you, Melissa.
Crying Out Loud, a podcast by Chasing the Rainbows with your
host Bernice Quisenberry. Welcome back to Cried Out Loud,
a podcast done by Chasing the Rainbows.
Today's episode is 1. I want you to take in slowly,
(00:33):
like a breath you didn't realizeyou were holding.
We are joined by someone whose presence many of you know from
the weather forecast. But today, she's here in a
different kind of storm. Melissa Zurimba, she's the chief
weather forecaster for NBC News 11 and Fox 9, experienced A
heartbreaking loss this June when her daughter, Evelyn Rose,
was born at 16 weeks. And as the holidays approached
(00:55):
and as November arrived, the month that should have been
Evelyn's birth month, Melissa found herself navigating a
reality no parent prepares for, passing her baby girl's due date
with empty arms. This episode isn't just about
loss. It's about love.
It's about the ache of December lights without the baby you
wished you were rocking to sleep.
It's about giving a voice to a daughter who never got to speak.
(01:17):
It's about finding ways to honorthe babies who should be here,
but are instead held in a different way.
Melissa, thank you so much for being here, for bringing your
heart, and for allowing us to hold space for Evelyn today.
Yeah, thank you so much, Bernice, for having me.
And you know, it's definitely been tough, but I just want to
be here and share my story and help other people.
(01:39):
So I'm hoping those people that are going through what I went
through, this really helps and they can relate and feel not
alone. So that's why I'm here.
So I'm super excited to join youand talk about my experience.
Thank you and thanks and I, you know, I would love for you to
dive in and tell our listeners, you know, about your story about
Evelyn. Anything you would like to
(02:00):
share? Yeah, so I unexpectedly got
pregnant with my boyfriend. Like we weren't even trying or
planning it. And all of a sudden I didn't
even really have symptoms either.
Like, you know, I've always wanted a baby and of course I've
always wanted a baby girl. Obviously, like this was a dream
come true When I found out the timing was a little unexpected,
(02:22):
but at the end of the day, I wassuper excited and we couldn't
wait. We were making plans and
everything. So we went to our first couple
appointments and she was doing great.
You know, she had good heartbeatand my boyfriend, he's a
firefighter and paramedic and sohe works in the medical.
(02:42):
So I would ask him and be like, does her heartbeat sound good?
Does she sound good? Does she look good?
So like he would give me like that thumbs up and you have she
has a great strong heartbeat. So we went to those appointments
and everything was great. We did that testing to, you
know, do the genetics and everything.
And so we waited on that and then we finally did the gender
(03:06):
reveal, which was super exciting.
It was a little tough planning it, but we were super excited to
finally find out because we didn't know what we were having.
We gave it to one of my boyfriend's friend.
So my boyfriend's curve, he actually gave it to his really
good friend and she kept the secret for like months.
So we actually did a whole reveal, which was amazing and
(03:30):
the best, one of the best days of our lives because it was so
great. He was a firefighter, so he
actually had his friend die in the fire truck.
And we sprayed it. And when we saw that it turned
pink. I was so excited because I want.
So, yeah. So we were having our gender
reveal. So we're super excited about
(03:51):
that. And you know, we had the water
come out of the fire truck and me and Kurt sprayed it and it
turned pink and I was just like already crying because I've
always wanted to be a girl mom. And a girl is something I've
always wanted. Like, don't get me wrong, I
would love a little boy, but I'mjust super girly.
(04:11):
And I wanted like that little girl best friend.
So I was really excited because I know in Kurt's family to get a
girl is so special because they have more boys and they've only
had few girls. So I was just like, wow, we
actually got a girl like so we were super excited and we had
our follow up appointment that following Monday.
(04:33):
So we did the gender reveal thatSaturday and then we went and
did our appointment. And it does suck though, because
we I had work that day. Kurt was actually working too.
And then we went in and I was super excited.
My doctor told me how I was feeling and I will say my
pregnancy, I feel like a lot of women don't always get lucky.
(04:57):
But like my pregnancy I didn't even know I was pregnant for a
good month. I had no symptoms.
The only reason I found out is because, you know, having a
missed period. And I was like wow, OK I'm late
and then got tested, took a testand took a couple of them.
So that's how I knew. So during my pregnancy it's was
super easy. All I felt was really tired and
(05:19):
a little nauseous and hungry. So I enjoyed eating and you
know, all that stuff. So that was really, really a
good pregnancy. So I didn't really have any like
terrible morning sickness or anything like that.
So when we went to my appointment, my doctor was
asking me, oh, how are you feeling?
And I'm like, fantastic. I'm like, I'm feeling great.
(05:41):
I actually wore a pink top because I knew it was a girl and
I was just like, I'm wearing pink today because we finally
found out what we're having and it was a girl.
So I was super excited and he was excited.
I haven't felt anything like, you know, being pregnant and
being that new going into that new motherly role, you, you
(06:02):
sense when things are wrong. But I didn't like going into
that appointment. I felt great excited.
I was excited that now we have a, we know what we're having.
It's a girl and we're going to start shopping for it, her and
everything. So then we had our like
appointment where we were starting to like he was doing
the ultrasound and everything and looking at her and I didn't
(06:27):
even really notice he was struggling.
Like, I just thought maybe she was, like, sleeping because our
last appointment, she was like, laying there and you, like, got
her to move and, like, pushed onmy belly and she started moving.
So I thought maybe she was sleeping and she's taking after
me because I'm not a morning person.
I'm more of that night owl. So I just thought maybe she was
(06:50):
sleeping. And then he just kind of kept
taking a while, like, to find, you know, the heartbeat and
stuff. And then finally he just stopped
and he was just like, I can't find her heartbeat.
Yeah, I like, you know, hearing those words were the worst
(07:11):
things. Like, you go into your
appointment super excited to seeyour baby and be happy.
And I finally found out I was having the girl I always wanted.
And then to get that, you can't find her heartbeat was really
just gut retching. Like I just felt like somebody
just like, punched me or like, hurt me in the stomach.
It just felt terrible. But still, even in that moment I
(07:35):
will say like I was still positive.
Like I honestly thought it's fine.
Like we live in Yuma, we're a small town so we had to go
somewhere else to get a more detailed ultrasound.
So we went somewhere else that day.
We had to wait a couple of hoursactually, and that was awful.
Like I Remember Me and my boyfriend were just sitting on
(07:56):
the couch crying, waiting. And I'm like, I think, is she
OK? Do you think she's OK?
Like she has to be OK Because I was getting bigger and, you
know, everyone was noticing thatmy stomach was growing and I was
getting bigger. So I didn't think anything was
wrong. So we went to that appointment
and I was waiting and we're and I was just already crying before
(08:18):
we went into that more detailed ultrasound.
That's the place we go to. Like when you hit that 20 weeks
mark. So we are waiting.
And then as soon as the nurse came in, she even told me she
was, we talked to your doctor. I just want to prepare you now
that you most likely won't hear a heartbeat and we're not going
(08:39):
to get that. So she kind of already prepared
me in a way, but part of me justdidn't think it was real.
And I just kept thinking, no, no, like you're going to find
it. And she looked and then the
doctor came in, was able to likelook at Evelyn and more details
because I'm like, what could have happened?
Because that's something that when you're you've never been
(09:00):
pregnant before, I didn't even think, you know, I never tried
to get pregnant. So like to actually get pregnant
and have a baby inside, you know, my belly, like I never
thought that could happen. And it did.
So I was really excited and happy.
And then to have that taken fromme just really hurts.
(09:21):
And having the doctor, like, look at her and take like, you
know, the more detailed pictures.
Yeah, unfortunately, like, they kept telling me that I didn't do
anything wrong. But still, you blame yourself.
You still think. You still think.
And then it just is unfortunate because I didn't feel anything,
(09:41):
like most or most and even a lotof women, like, feel that
something's wrong or they get bleeding or they get really bad
cramping. I had none of that.
So that's just what's weird. Like going to this appointment,
it's like completely blindsided.Like, you know, I didn't even
know like I felt great. No crampings, no bleeding.
(10:04):
Like I will say the whole time Iwas pregnant, anytime I went to
the restroom, that was like the thing I always looked for is to
make sure I wasn't bleeding. That was just something I was
always paranoid about and I justlooked and made sure and going
to this appointment, I was just,we were shocked, very shocked,
and I didn't know how to deal with it because you never think
(10:26):
it's going to happen to you until it does.
And it's just a whole new world.Yes, yeah.
You see life out of a different lens, Melissa, It's so true.
And you like most of the time everyone focuses on those first
12 weeks, right? They're like, if you get through
those first 12 weeks, all those things, right?
And then to get past them and it's still horrific anytime, any
(10:50):
stage and age of your baby losing them is horrific.
And you get past the clear mark.And a lot of times, you know,
the late term baby loss and things like that, you know,
aren't talked about, you know, aren't as they should be.
Yeah. So like I, yeah, we thought we
were in that safe zone. Like we made it to that second
(11:12):
trimester was the early part. But still we made it that far.
And I thought we were good like and not having any symptoms or
anything. Like I felt very strong and
confident about everything. And so to go in that appointment
and be happy and not know anything's wrong and then hear
the doctor say she's gone and can't find her heartbeat, it
(11:36):
just, it still doesn't make sense to me till this day.
Like I'm still very confused. And even even though like they
say it's not your fault, I feel like maybe I could have done
something better. Maybe I should have eaten
better. Because I will say, being
pregnant, I enjoy pigging out because I'm kind of one of those
people, like who tries to watch what I eat and, you know, be
(11:58):
kind of careful. So I really enjoyed everything.
And she was my friend. She's my best friend.
And you know, having her in my belly, like I've always felt not
alone. She was always there if I was
having a good day, bad day, or Iwas emotional, like she was
always there for me. I just touched my belly and I
(12:19):
was just like, she's here. Like she's in there.
And then when we went to the doctor and found out, she was
gone. Like the whole process, they
don't prepare you for either. Like they were like, OK, you
got, I had to go back to my doctor and make a plan.
And I was like telling my boyfriend I'm like a plan.
I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, we have to get her
out. And I was like, didn't even
(12:42):
think about that. And we live in a smaller town,
so it does suck because we had to wait a couple of days before.
So we found out we lost her and then we had to wait a couple of
days. Yeah.
And I am going to go back and talk about kind of what went
(13:04):
wrong and I guess if you want tocall it that.
Because, yeah, like when I askedwhat was wrong and what
happened, they said not my fault.
I guess she just, they think shewas like either stopped growing
because she was measuring 14 weeks.
So I carried her for 16 weeks and she was measuring 14.
(13:25):
So she was little and they were like, she either stopped growing
and she finally passed or she just passed.
Like they think I could have possibly still held her for two
weeks dead. Hearing that is really upsetting
too, because it's like it's still early.
(13:46):
You can't feel anything. And it's so unfortunate.
But yeah, that, yeah, it was just some, I guess one of those
genetic things. So it's just she was missing a
chromosome and she just didn't make it.
So they're like, it's nothing meor Kurt had genetically or
anything like that. It was just what my doctor told
(14:07):
me that was really helped me understand was just, it's just
science. It's just was doing its thing
and it just didn't line up. And that helped me kind of
understand because for a while Ijust kept asking my boyfriend
like, what exactly happened? I don't understand.
And so they kind of helped me understand, like, not your
(14:27):
fault. It's just some type of genetic
thing that it's nothing you did or Kurt did.
It's just didn't line up and shejust passed.
And that was really still hard. Like till this day like, I still
can't accept it. Yeah.
Like it's just, I know. We never get those answers fully
(14:52):
and there's not enough research,there's not enough, you know,
around this to understand what causes it or, you know, to tell
us exactly what it is and how even just to know, you know,
'cause those feelings of shame, blame and guilt we do as birth
Mamas, you know, as like holdingour babies and you know, our
(15:13):
when our bodies don't do the onething that we're supposed to do
and it happens in a loss like this and it's traumatic and
losing her babies. It's so hard to live with and
understand. Yeah.
And I remember like we finally decided what we were going to do
and we were just going to go to the hospital and birth her
instead of because like I, I wanted to still see her and
(15:36):
spend time with her because likeall the options they gave, there
was like 3 options and me and myboyfriend just didn't like any
of those. And I'm like it's going to be
tough to go through that. But till this day I don't regret
that because I actually got to see her, hold her, take
pictures, spend time with her. And the nurses were so nice.
They let her stay with us on an ice pack all night and she slept
(15:59):
by me till that day. Like I just wish she was still
here. Like even though she's not alive
like I told my boyfriend I was like I just wish I could still
just carry her little body with me even if she was dead.
I know that probably sounds crazy but just the fact that she
would still be here. Like waking up to her even
though she wasn't alive, just having her next to me looking at
(16:23):
her and touching her I was. It felt comforting because she's
my baby, so. I know our, our our arms ache
without our babies here with us right at any stage or age.
And so, like we want nothing more than to just hold them and
have them. Yeah, Melissa.
(16:43):
I just, I really, it's probably because it's still new.
Like it just happened in June ofthis year.
So it's still fresh. But at the same time, like
everyone keeps telling me like Iam going to therapy and I'm
trying, you know, to help myselfand take time and heal and but
(17:04):
everyone keeps telling me it's going to get easier.
But I just don't see that being true.
I don't know it's just because it's fresh or what, but it's
just that's the one thing everyone says is like, it will
get easier. I know it doesn't seem that way,
but eventually you will cope. You will never forget her, but
you will learn to just live withit and deal with it.
(17:26):
And I don't know, I just my heart.
I just still can't. Yeah, I, I don't know.
It's just, it's just, it's a terrible situation.
And when it all happened, and I finally, because like, you know,
I work in news. So on Mother's Day, I announced
that I was going to be a mom because I thought that was going
(17:47):
to be a good time for my viewers.
Because I was like, they got to know because they're going to
know I'm getting big. And I'm like, I don't want him
to think I'm just, you know, gaining some weight.
And I wanted to know. So I picked Mother's Day to say
like, I would be a mom. So that was a really special
moment. And then after like some months
(18:08):
went by, like then I just disappeared.
I didn't go to work after everything happened.
I took that three month off to just recover just to kind of be
ready because it's like I have, you know, I have a hard job
where it's like I got to go on TV and look happy all the time
and do my hair and makeup. So that was really tough.
(18:28):
So I was like, I'm taking my time off.
So I took that three month period off and just really
focused on myself. If I want to just lay in bed.
I did cried. So I did all of that and after
like I finally shared my story because a lot of people were
like, where is she? She just one day she was on air
(18:49):
and the next day she was gone. And it was so unexpected.
It's like I was had my gender reveal planning to go to work
that day on that Monday after myappointment.
And then I just never came back.So that was really hard to not
just for me, but to share with my viewers and people and to
just like, you know, I had to make a post and just like share
(19:12):
and say like this is what happened.
I'm going to be gone for a little bit and it just sucks
because once I finally explaineda little bit on little bit of
the story and what happened, people, more people kept
reaching out to me and my boyfriend Kurt and telling us
like this happened to me. And me and Kurt were so
(19:34):
surprised with how common this is.
And it's just so crazy that nobody talks about it.
And that's kind of why I built that strength to talk about it
and share because I'm like, I feel like this deserves
attention. This needs to be talked about
more. And This is why I'm here, and
(19:56):
This is why I keep trying to spread more awareness is 'cause
I just want more people to feel comfortable talking about it,
'cause the numbers. And everything, like I did have
our news do a special story and me and Kurt actually did an
interview and talked about our story to all of our people here
in town. And it's just crazy how so many
(20:17):
people continue to say thank youfor sharing your story that
helped me. Or I went through the same
thing, or I went for something similar.
And it's just crazy how nobody says anything.
Yes, it's, you know, when we're going through these losses and
hearing one and four, it's like that isn't really comforting,
(20:37):
but it's like it kind of is knowing that, OK, where are
they? Like where are those one and
four? And that's, you know, why we
have a community here at Chasingthe Rainbows for everyone to
unite because it's so important.It's because if not, you know,
it was really hard grieving alone and feeling that
loneliness, right, and isolationthat all of us have felt at one
(20:58):
point or another. So having that community is so
important, behind you and besideyou to carry you when the grief
is heavy and overwhelming, whichit is for a while.
You know, for me at least, I should say it was for a while.
I guess I had complicated grief is what it's called.
But yeah, Melissa, I feel you somuch on all of this.
(21:18):
Yeah, and it's just, it's just such an eye opener when it
happens to you because you just never think about any of this.
And it's just crazy that I was so happy.
And then to tell my parents and family and friends and they were
just like, what? Because they, my mom literally
just saw me for our gender reveal And she was like, you're
getting bigger. You look good.
(21:40):
And then to call her that following Monday and tell her
that she's gone. It's just so unfortunate because
we finally found out we're having a girl and we were
starting to plan now. We missed out on all of those
great opportunities. Like even picking her name.
I had no names picked out. Like I thought I had my whole
(22:01):
pregnancy to pick out a name andI know a lot of women have their
names already kind of picked outand their dream names.
I wasn't one of those. I actually was like, I'm going
to wait till the moment, kind ofjust go through that my
pregnancy and pick and then whenI hold her, I'll know.
But I didn't have time. We only had those two days.
(22:23):
Like we had to wait two days before we could actually have
her and just two days to plan what?
Everyone has months to find thatspecial name.
Yeah. But I will say I saw her name on
TikTok a lot. And I don't know why I always
liked it. And I kept going back and forth
(22:45):
with her name. And then I looked up the meaning
of it. And the meaning is like, I read
there was like wished for. And it's just so crazy to me
because she's something I've always wished for and wanted my
whole life because I'm actually in my 30s and I'm like, this is
my time where I'm like, even in my 20s, I've always wanted a
baby. And it's just being a mom is
(23:07):
always something I've always wanted.
And people who do know me know when I said I was pregnant,
they're we're excited because this is what you always wanted.
I'm like, yeah. So getting her was just a the
wish I always wanted and it justreally sucks that she was taken
because it's just very unfortunate too because my
boyfriend and me our relationship was also kind of
(23:27):
new too. So we got pregnant in a new
relationship. But I remember the night before
we went to our appointment, I told my boyfriend I'm like you
and this baby are the best things that's ever happened to
me and it's all I've ever wanted.
Like that night, I, that's literally what I told him and
then to go the next day. And then it was just taken for
(23:49):
me. I, it still doesn't make sense
to me. It's like, why would I hold her
for that long? Why didn't she go sooner?
It's just those you have all those questions that you just
never get answers to. Yes.
And it's really hard to process and deal and live with and learn
how to live with and to a point,you know, where we have to find
(24:13):
the comfort. We have to find, you know, like
we processed it enough. We, you know, discussed it from
all angles. You know, I don't know how many
times I felt like I needed to ask questions, just medical
questions to my doctor about different things to figure stuff
out just because we want those answers.
These are our babies, you know, And for us to continue to live a
(24:34):
life without them in our arms, you know, we have to do whatever
we have to do to find that comfort.
Yeah, and I just feel like it's still never enough.
No, no, Melissa. No.
I know those Google deep dives staying up late doing, you know,
looking for things. Yeah, yeah.
(24:55):
And it's just, I would never want this to happen to anybody.
Like not even my worst enemy. I would never want them to go
through this because it's just awful.
It's just this is the most exciting, special moment in your
life. And then things happen and now
it just triggers even more things that I'm worried about.
(25:17):
Now, if I do decide to, you know, try for another baby one
day, I'm going to be paranoid. I feel like this pregnancy I had
with Evelyn, I was excited. I love being pregnant.
I couldn't wait for my stomach to get bigger.
I kept saying I wish it gets bigger.
So when I finally started growing, I was excited.
So now I feel like if I do that again, I'm just not going to
(25:40):
enjoy it. I'm just going to be scared,
like, oh, is she OK? Is she OK?
Like every appointment, I'm going to be nervous versus
excited. It just takes the joy out of
something that is supposed to bejoyful.
Yeah. I don't know how I'm going to
cope with that or how anyone copes with that.
Yes, that bliss afterwards and everything, it's right.
It's completely robbed of us. And that's why we hold space for
(26:03):
pregnancy after loss support groups because then people can
come in and talk about it 'causewe're reliving our traumas all
over again. And it's hard not to.
Every appointment, every time wego to the bathroom, you know,
and, and trying to, you know, for nine months and now knowing
how common this is and everything too.
It's like I said, not comfortingearlier.
(26:25):
And this is one of those situations, pregnancy after
loss, to know, you know, is thisgoing to happen again?
There's no guarantee. And we've already, yeah.
And it's unfortunate too becauselike people who don't go through
it just don't understand. And I hate saying that because I
don't want them to go through it, but it just people don't
(26:46):
realize what we feel every day. Like I know just driving to work
or getting ready for work, I just start crying or just get
emotional and it's just a pain that just you carry with.
And I just feel so heavy all thetime and empty.
And it's just those things that a lot of people don't realize.
Like they'll look at me like, oh, she looks happy, she looks
(27:06):
good. But really it's like, no, do you
realize the pain inside that? I'm, I'm literally probably, if
you look inside me, I'm probablyalways crying and hurt.
It's just those things. And I hate sometimes being happy
too, because I don't want to be happy without my sleeping.
That's another thing is I feel guilty trying to be happy and I
(27:29):
know she would want me to be happy.
Yes, yes, Melissa, yes, you do. Because I, I know I felt the
same way. Like I almost like my sadness
was a connection to her, right. And like I felt like if I was
happy, that means that I'm getting over her and I wasn't
getting over her. And nor do I think we ever do.
It's, you know, we just learn tolive with and continue to move
(27:49):
forward, but with them in a different way.
And it's like, but you do you feel like a shell of a person.
Like the first year I didn't, I can't really remember anything
that happened that first year after losing our baby.
And just like, like I know I waspresent at different things, but
you're a shell of a like inside.It's just like so much pain and
from, you know, traumatically losing our babies.
(28:13):
Yeah, until this day, like I still can't accept it.
Like I still don't think it's real.
Like having those reminders. That's the worst too, is you
always have a reminder. Like I went to my last therapy
appointment last week and they were like on my chart, they just
were asking like, because they always take my blood pressure
(28:34):
and everything before I go in. And then they a question popped
up for them to ask me and they were like, are you
breastfeeding? And I'm like, no.
So it's like you're always getting those reminders every
single day that people don't realize.
And it's just sometimes I'm like, I want it to end, but then
I don't want it to end because Ifeel like, you know, you want to
(28:57):
have those moments to always remember and think about your
baby, you know, So having those you're like, you always remember
and think about it, but that same time it brings back all the
negative things, you know, So it's just, and then another hard
thing is like seeing everyone else have babies or announcing
(29:20):
their pregnancy. And it's like I feel like when
you're your experience happened,you lost your baby.
I feel like you just see more ofthose pregnancy announcements
and people having their babies. Like I feel like ever since my
experience and I lost Evelyn, I feel like that's always what I'm
seeing the other person's pregnant.
(29:42):
I don't even know these people. Like, you know, it's just on
your feet. You just get them.
And it's just like torturing me sometimes.
But it's hard to stay off and it's just all the time.
It's just there's a reminder andit's it's hard to deal with
every single day. Yes, I'm still trying to figure
it out. Yes, I know it.
(30:03):
You know, I look at the timelinein life, like my life's timeline
and say, you know, there's OK, was this before or after Brooke?
Like is what I do. And it's interesting because
there's such a distinction. Like, you know, it's almost
like, yeah, just that hard line in the sand because, like, this
was who I was before, and she completely changed me.
(30:23):
And now this is who I am today. And I'll never get that person
back. And I think that was also a
really hard reality to live with, too, was understanding,
like, I'm AI. She's changed me.
Yeah, like, I honestly feel thattoo.
Like she's brought so much, so much to my life and she's always
going to be a part of it. And it's just crazy that I'll
(30:46):
never get to, you know, have herhere because, like, she made me
a mom. And I never thought that would
happen because I never tried. So just even having that alone,
becoming a mom, that is special.But it, it is really sad to
think if I do try to have another baby one day, I'm always
(31:08):
going to want her. And it just makes me think,
yeah, how am I going to move on?Like I feel like I'm, I
shouldn't have another baby because she was my baby.
And I would hate, I don't want to feel like I'm replacing her
even though we're not. But I just think that's an
emotion a lot of us have is we're just, we want a baby so
(31:28):
bad that we want to try, but then we don't want to try
because we're like, we don't want to ever replace our baby.
We lost, yes. We're constantly like living in
two like worlds and like trying to understand how they like
merge together, right, like the one with our, you know, babies.
We don't hold in our arms. We hold in our hearts that we
(31:49):
want in like yearn for and search for and just would do
anything to have them here. And then also like
understanding, you know, what our future holds or what that
looks like and will we have any,you know, living and getting to
that point too? I know and, you know, deciding
is that something that we want? But society makes us feel like,
you know, when we were sharing about our baby loss, we're like,
(32:11):
we'll try again. And like that always like
resonates like or like at least you got pregnant or, you know,
just go have another one. And it's like we just can't go
have another one. And like babies don't replace
babies, right? Like you said, Melissa, you said
it so perfectly, like it's neverthat.
And so, but it's learning first like who we are and how to live
with, you know, this profound grief of baby not being here
(32:35):
like we have planned and hoped for our whole entire lives.
Yeah, that's what it goes back to.
Like people just don't understand and it I know they
don't mean when they say certainthings like what you just said,
like, oh, you can try for another one.
At least you got pregnant. At least you know, you can have
kids or you know, stuff like that.
(32:56):
But at the same time, I hate hearing those or people.
The one thing I really don't like is when people say things
happen for a reason. Like what was the reason why our
babies died? Like there is no reason for
that, you know? I that's the one thing I hate
that I've honestly been so emotional.
But I bet you one of these days I'm probably going to snap and
(33:16):
be like, no, because I know somebody did say that.
And I'm like, no, I was like that.
I will not believe like in my everyday life sometimes, yeah,
like I do say like, you know, things happen for a reason.
But when it comes to like this situation, I cannot get behind
that. And that's something I've heard
a few times from people. And I know they don't mean it in
that negative way, but I take itin that negative way and get
(33:38):
upset. And it's just one of these days,
like when I hear that, I'm just like, part of me is just gets
angry. Like, no, like my daughter
didn't deserve to die. I didn't deserve this.
My boyfriend, my family, nobody does that baby.
All of our babies are so special.
(33:59):
And it's just very unfortunate when they're taken and to hear
those words that I just can't get behind that.
No, and it almost minimizes it because like you're saying,
Melissa, like we say that in like everyday, like small little
things, like everything happens for a reason.
Not when it comes to loss and baby loss is the only time
people say that. I know we preach this on the
(34:19):
podcast. It's a recurring theme because
unfortunately it's said too manytimes during this when someone
loses a parent or a grandparent,they don't say everything
happens for a reason. It's only during these scenarios
and I know, so I'm the type of person now, you know, being a
couple years out from my loss. Now when someone makes those
comments or says those same things to me still to this day,
(34:41):
it's like, can I just educate you so you don't do this in the
next lost mom or lost parent that you talk to?
Because I need to tell you that is so insensitive and explain
why. Cuz I just feel like please
don't do that to the next one. Please don't.
Like it's OK. You said it to me fine.
Like I can, you know, I'm not init now.
Like in the like depths of like,cuz I swear that first like year
(35:02):
or two, it was just like, what is happening?
I, I, you know, you don't want to alienate yourself even more
and isolate yourself even more from people because you already
feel that from all the grieving and like your heartache that you
have. And so I know it's just awful.
Yeah, so like you kind of said, like it's like we're living in
like 2 different lives and worlds.
(35:26):
Like I feel like everyone keeps going and I'm just here.
You're stopped, yes. And I just even though I am
still getting back into doing mynormal things, I just still feel
like stopped. Yeah, like going and doing the
routine. I remember I couldn't even go to
the store for like months. Like I finally went to the store
(35:48):
and I got anxiety. Like I remember that first like
store experience. I just was upset.
Like I just had so much anxiety.Like I just couldn't do it.
I'm like, I love going to Targetand it's like one of the things
that I love to do. And it's like when I finally
went out, like it was just, it was hard doing that.
(36:09):
And that's what I kind of tried to explain to people too, like
it's OK to take your time on thing, but on things.
But people who haven't been through it don't realize they're
like, what did you do while you were gone, like for three
months? Did you like, what did you do?
And I was like, nothing stayed at home.
I was like, I didn't even leave the house.
Like I would go for car rides. That was the most I would do
(36:33):
that. I was like, like if my boyfriend
wanted to go somewhere, I was like, OK, I'll go, but I'll stay
in the car. Like that's the only thing I
would do is just, yeah, I know you don't know too is when you
go through this loss and especially how far you've gone
and birthing. Like I didn't even realize all
(36:55):
the after, like they were still like, oh, wait, X amount of
weeks before you can just go in a pool or you're still going to
bleed or you're still going to feel this way.
So it's just like like a lot of people that I have opened up to
and told them like I didn't knowyou went through all that.
(37:16):
I didn't know you still had that.
And I'm like, yeah, I was like, it's an eye opener.
You just don't really know unless you've gone through it.
And it's like, I know till this day, like I still can't believe
everything that has happened. And when I first had her, I
still kept thinking she was in my belly for a while.
(37:38):
Or there was part of me that didn't even want to go to the
doctor because like I mentioned,we live in a small town.
We have like 1 hospital. So that's why we had to wait a
little longer. We couldn't just rush to the
hospital to get her out. And then part of me was like
hoping they wouldn't even call because I was like, well, maybe
they won't call so I can keep her.
But then eventually she would have came out is what I've
(37:59):
learned too. So it's just, yeah, the whole
thing is just not what you expect or think about.
And that's kind of what I hope people try to understand.
Like, even though you haven't been through it, I just want
people to understand and be sensitive and not say certain
things. I just, that's another thing
(38:19):
with doing stuff like this. It's not only, you know,
spreading awareness and trying to comfort others who've gone
through it, but it's also to educate people to say, hey,
like, just because you haven't gone through it, you still need
to try to understand and be sensitive to those people and
realize that a loss is a loss nomatter how many weeks.
(38:40):
Because that's another thing people say.
I mean, I haven't had that said to me, but some people will tell
other people like, well, at least it was only a couple weeks
or at least it was this like, no, like that's another thing,
sensitive thing. I hate when people say that too,
or I hear other people say that to others.
Like, this is what I'm really hoping and why I became so
(39:03):
strong. And spreading awareness is not
only to help those that are going through it, but yeah, to
spread education of those to be like, hey, be more mindful to us
and how we're feeling. Absolutely.
And there's insensitivities. I know they think they're
comforting, but if you're opening your mouth and saying at
least, or you should at the beginning of your sentence,
(39:25):
don't say it like there is no need for that because anything
that comes out afterwards is notgoing to be helpful and it's not
going to take our pain away. So.
Yeah, Melissa, how did you do you know, with your first
Thanksgiving, your holiday with it?
And how did you honor sweet Evelyn?
Yeah, like I feel like I love the holidays.
(39:47):
I'm sure a lot of us do. But this year I honestly hate
the holidays. I don't want to do anything.
I just want to stay at home. It was hard, like Thanksgiving,
I forced myself to go have a small Thanksgiving with some
family, but that was hard. Like personally I rather have
just wanted to stay at home. So coping with it, it's just.
(40:10):
I think I'm getting to that point where it's like, I'm still
hurting and upset, but you're just learning to kind of deal
with it. That's why I ended up going to
Thanksgiving dinners because I'mlike, well, I feel like I need
to. I probably should or I'll be at
home crying. So I'm just kind of starting to
just go with it. But it is really hard because it
(40:33):
would have been her first Thanksgiving.
And it's like seeing everyone else posting about their babies
or even just their families. Like I honestly get emotional
when people just post about their kids, even if it's not a
baby, even if it's like their teenager, their little little
kid, like they're just, you know, not a baby.
(40:53):
I still get emotional and upset because I'm like, oh, at least
they have their their child there.
They at least are making these memories.
I don't. And the ones who are going for
it, we don't get to have these memories.
Like her due date was the week before Thanksgiving.
(41:14):
And all I could tell my boyfriend on Thanksgiving was
like, Evelyn would have been here.
She would have been here by now.We would have been just, I've
been on maternity leave. I'd be staying here.
I would be still recovering. I would be just holding her and
playing with her and taking careof her.
But that's what I wanted. I was, I'm excited for that and
(41:34):
so it's just, it was hard to deal with and I'm honestly
dreading Christmas because I would have been the first
Christmas. So it's like, it does really, it
really hurts and sucks and it's something you'll never, I just
feel like you'll just never copewith, but you're just learning
to deal with and somewhat try toenjoy your holiday.
(41:56):
But I do always try to honor herand it does make me happy to do
that stuff. So I always get her flowers,
just any festive flowers. So I got her some Thanksgiving
flowers. I'm planning to get her some
Christmas flowers. I got her a white pumpkin for
October and I still kept that out through November because
November is still pumpkin season.
(42:17):
So I kept her little white pumpkin out for those last
couple of months and I finally transitioned into her pink tree
that I got. But that's something with loss.
It's like you love honoring yourbaby in these ways, but then you
stop and think and it's just like, it shouldn't be this way
(42:38):
because I still get emotional. Like I'll put her tree out.
Like I put her tree out and I'm just like, oh, it looks so cute.
But then you just stop and thinkand it's just like, she would
have been here. You shouldn't be doing like, I
don't know. I just feel like no one should
go through this at all. And the holidays, you just feel
even more empty. Another reminder.
(42:59):
And it's just another emotional day, which a lot of people I
hope will realize that too. Because I know going through
this, I don't want people to be scared to invite me to things
and just assume, oh, she's just not going to come because she's
going through it. Like, no, I would rather make
that decision myself. I don't want people to be scared
(43:19):
to like invite me, talk to me like.
So that's another thing I've been struggling with too, is I
feel like some people are afraidto approach me or invite me
because they're just like, and she's not going to come or, and
she doesn't want to talk about it.
How do you know? I'd rather people have those
uncomfortable conversations thannot have them at all.
(43:40):
Yes, we always say to people, you know, make yourself
uncomfortable to make the other one comfortable.
That is what is grief support, right?
When you're supporting a loved one, a friend, a family, it's
interesting because your circle almost gets smaller in these
situations. And after we go through our
losses of our babies because thepeople that don't understand or
don't invite us or don't want totalk about it or don't want to
(44:00):
hear about it, it's like, you know, it does like get us to
like quality over quantity anymore with our friend and
family group, you know? Yeah, I know that is true.
And I feel like, yeah, your friend group does kind of get a
little smaller because you when you go through something like
this, you kind of you realize who your real friends are and
who is really there for you. Because also, like, I've had
(44:24):
acquaintances who didn't even congratulate me on my pregnancy.
But as soon as I announced that I lost Evelyn, they were quick
to give me their condolences. And I'm like, you can't be happy
for me in my good and bad times.You should be there for both.
Be there in those happy moments,be there for me and those not
(44:45):
happy moments. That's like what a real friend
or just a person with a good heart has.
So I've experienced a lot of that too.
And it's really unfortunate because I'm like, I remember
those people that were really happy when I was pregnant and
then those who want to come and try to comfort me now.
Why weren't you there when I wasexcited and now that I'm sad you
(45:07):
want to be there? I feel like that's another thing
that I've gone through and I'm sure a lot of other people go
through as well. Absolutely.
Yeah. And it's really understanding.
Like, who are those true people who are in your life and your
ride or die? You know, the ones that are
going to stand beside you through thick and thin and not
just be there for the glory daysor when they need something.
(45:30):
And it's a harsh reality, but I also felt like it was something
that, you know, our daughter gave us is having those like who
intentionally and I am I going to have in my life today and who
do I want to spend my time with because our time is so valuable.
You know, look, you know how short our, you know, babies were
here, even though you know theirgreatest blessings and gifts?
(45:51):
It's like, you know, time is tootoo precious, too valuable.
Yeah, and it's great. But also unfortunate is when you
find people who've gone through it and you bond, you make a bond
through our lost babies. And it's just, it's great.
But it's just sad because it's like, why do we have to have
these relationships where we bond over such a sad and
(46:15):
heartbreaking and most awful thing that has ever happened in
our life? And that's how we become like
friends or we relate to each other.
It's just, it's just unfortunate, but a blessing too,
because then it's like, oh, it'snice to have somebody who gets
it and understands. Yeah, so.
Yeah. Yeah, obviously.
(46:37):
Yeah, it's just a terrible thing.
But I'm just, you said, swingingalong every day.
Yeah. Oh, Melissa, Now, you said that
you earlier that you were seeinga therapist.
What else have you been doing tocope?
And I love that you get her flowers for every holiday, too,
to honor her and make her a partof, you know, the holiday and
(46:59):
the day and, yeah, the season. Yeah.
So honestly, yeah, like I don't really do too much.
All I'm doing is just constantlygoing to therapy, just talking
about it, being open and honestly sharing with it on
social media. I was really scared to talk
about it. I know just to say the
announcement that we lost her, Iwas like nervous.
(47:22):
Like I remember I was sweating and just so nervous because it's
just like, you never know how people are going to look at it.
Like I was telling my boyfriend,I'm like, yeah, people are going
to be sad. I'm like, what if someone says a
negative comment and says something mean?
Because that can happen. I know.
But thankfully I didn't experience that.
So just kind of sharing really helped cope and realizing that
(47:45):
it helps others, makes me feel better and feels like I'm doing
something to help other people and that honestly helps me.
And just learning to do my everyday things slowly but
surely that also helps. I do notice when I'm busy and
distracted, it helps me to not always think about it and cry,
(48:07):
but when I'm not doing anything,it brings all that negative
stuff back. So I feel like just trying to
just slowly get to normal. I guess you want to call it?
That's really helped me buying things for her.
Like her middle name is Rose, sowe like to call her Evelyn Rose
because I just like roses and that's just a pretty flower and
(48:32):
it symbolizes me and Kurt's lovetoo, is why I decided that
because she was conceived in February, so the Valentine love
month. So I and the roses for
Valentine. So I do like to collect a lot of
like pink roses. Like anytime I see like a pink
rose or something, I'm like, I need that.
(48:53):
I want that. So that honestly buying things
for her, even though she's not here, it makes me happy.
It's sad, but it brings joy to me.
Like I like to put things on my desk.
I like to put things at home. I know during the awareness
month in October, we made ribbons to pass out to people.
Like doing stuff like that honestly has really helped me.
(49:18):
And it's really unfortunate thatI've had this situation.
But at the same time, I feel like having the situation
happened to me has helped me to bring more awareness and to just
like find a reason to kind of give back to others.
Because before, like I will say,like I come from a really great
(49:39):
family where, you know, I have my both my parents, sisters
family. I come from a loving,
supportive, great family where we don't really have a lot of
like events like this happen in our lives.
So I don't I can say when I tellpeople about like my story, I've
always like, I come from a good family.
(50:00):
Nothing really goes on. But having this, I have a story
and I feel like it's a powerful story that I can share and help.
And it's like before I never hadthat and it sucks.
But at the same time, it does make me feel better to help
people because that's I'm one ofthose people.
Like I do love to help people. And now I feel like I have such
a strong like platform and like background to give something and
(50:25):
just share my experience and be there.
So that helps me cope. So I do enjoy helping and
honoring Evelyn as much as I can.
Like getting little gifts from people that like, from her.
Like my sister got me this necklace of her name and it has
her birthstone and a heart, you know, stuff like that.
(50:48):
It's just, it's crazy how I was so like meaningful those things
are to you. And it's something just so
simple. It doesn't take much.
It's just it means everything like Evelyn is something so
special is always going to be mydaughter and I'm always going to
be her mom. And having these things, it's so
(51:08):
valuable. Like she was such a blessing and
will always be special. And it's just just wish she was
here big and holding her and laughing.
And that's something a lot of people don't know either, is
like we miss out on a lot of things.
We never get to see their first like talk or like their words
(51:30):
walk. Can't put them in a cute outfit.
Can't even see what they're fully going to look like.
Like that was one thing that I was like, what would Evelyn look
like? Like, will she have my hair,
your hair, your eyes, my eyes? Because Kurt has brown, I have
green. I'm like, what would she have
(51:51):
gotten? Like, we're always going to have
those things that we'll never get.
And it's just so sad to think about sometimes because we're
missing out on everything. Yeah, absolutely, Melissa.
Well, thank you so much for sharing all of that.
Now, what would you like to leave our listeners with?
(52:14):
I just want to say anyone that is going through it like it's OK
to feel how you feel. If you want to feel angry, feel
angry, you want to cry, you cry.Don't let anyone tell you how to
feel in your emotions. And also be understanding with
your partner. Like you guys are going to
handle things different so try not to be hard on each other.
Like if you have your partner, you guys work together and just
(52:36):
try not to, you know, kick at each other for not feeling a
certain way. And I will say that's something
I'm very blessed with with my boyfriend is like, after all
this happened, I thought I was, he's going to make me leave.
Or I, you know, what if things like, you know, we just ended up
breaking up, But I feel like we've gotten stronger.
We're stronger. We're there for each other.
(52:57):
And it's just, that's very important.
And I know a lot of people unfortunately don't always have
that. So I do want to say be kind to
yourself, be kind to your partner and just also realize
you aren't alone. There are so many people out
there who have gone through whatyou've gone through or have a
similar experience and it's OK to talk about it.
(53:18):
And always your baby is always going to be your baby and
they'll never be forgotten. Even though they're not here,
they're always going to be thereand just be kind to yourself and
just always know that your baby's going to be in your
heart, no matter if it's, you know, they're not physically
here, at least they're, they're above you, they're in your
heart. And don't be scared to talk
(53:40):
about them. I know a lot of people are just
scared to share their story. Talk about it.
Don't be scared, be open becauseyou'd be surprised with how
impactful just you saying a few words or sharing something can
impact someone else in more of apositive way.
And they'll feel not alone. Because I've had people reach
(54:02):
out to me, which I was surprisedand they said just a simple
post, just even me making those ribbons, A lot of people are
like, wow, like that helps me because I lost a baby too.
So this symbolizes my lost baby.So it's just any little thing
you do, it will really, it speaks louder than you think.
(54:24):
Melissa, thank you. Thank you for your
vulnerability. Thank you for sharing everything
that you did, for speaking Evelyn Rose's name out loud, for
letting us meet her through yourwords, and for reminding
grieving parents that the holidays may look different, but
they can still hold love, meeting, and connection.
Thank you. Yeah, no, thank you.
And I'm very thankful for you guys because I do want to say
(54:45):
one more thing. It's just crazy how everything
happened and I felt so alone. But seeing posts like what you
guys post on social, it brought so much comfort to my life and
being able to re share the wordsyou guys put there are things
that I want to share but I don'talways know how.
So having like people like you and organizations like like I
(55:09):
didn't even was, I wasn't even looking for you guys.
And it's just like going throughthis, you guys found me and it's
just a blessing to have you guysand everything you post and do.
So I'm very thankful to have support even just online.
It makes a difference. Thank you, Melissa, thank you
(55:29):
for that. And to anyone listening, you
don't have to navigate this season alone.
We do offer eleven daily supportservices for free holiday grief
groups and a community that understands and we're here for
you. So please reach out and thank
you again, Melissa, for everything, for your kind words
and for being here. It really means a lot.
(55:50):
Yeah, thank you so much for having me.
I hope this helps others. Sending you guys all a happy
holidays and big hugs and loves and all of our babies are
together. Yes.
Oh, thank you, Melissa.
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