The holidays can be one of the most painful times of year for families grieving a baby lost through miscarriage, early pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or infant loss. In this powerful follow-up conversation, we welcome back Sarah (@SarahTheDetoxCoach) to talk about navigating grief through Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, and every celebration that now feels different, quieter, and heavier.
Sarah, who has experienced several early pregnancy losses, shares her personal journey, coping strategies, and emotional truth about facing family gatherings, holiday traditions, and joyful spaces when your heart is broken.
This episode offers support, validation, and guidance for anyone grieving this holiday season.
Because grief doesn’t take a holiday, and every loss matters.
Please join BabyLossAwareness.org to find free support services, volunteer, donate or get involved.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:11):
Crying Out Loud, a podcast by Chasing the Rainbows with your
host Bernice Quisenberry. Welcome back to Cry It Out Loud,
the podcast where we hold space for parents surviving the
unimaginable. Miscarriage, early baby loss,
(00:33):
still birth, infant loss, infertility, and pregnancy after
loss. All baby loss.
I'm your host from Chasing the Rainbows, A nonprofit providing
free daily emotional support because grief has no timeline
fit into a schedule, and no parent should ever feel alone.
Today, we are continuing an important conversation with
Sarah, known as Sarah the Detox coach on Instagram, whose
(00:57):
honesty, courage and advocacy have touched so many listeners.
In our last episode with Sarah, which will air in weeks, she
shared her earning with us, which definitely tune in for
that and make sure you have thaton your schedule through her
multiple early term early baby losses and her healing through
holistic Wellness. But today we're talking about a
(01:20):
topic that nearly every parent struggles with, and that's the
holidays. The lights, the music, the
gatherings, the traditions, theycan be incredibly painful
reminders of what should have been and who is missing.
Sarah, thank you so much for being here and for helping us
bring light to a season that canfeel so dark for so many.
Thank you. I'm truly so honored to be here.
(01:43):
I love being able to connect with so many other couples going
through the same heartbreaking journey, so thank you so much
for having me. Absolutely.
Thank you, Sarah, for being here.
And it is tough. It's, you know, tough as we
approach the holidays, the day itself and then that grief
hangover, you know, for days after.
(02:05):
So you shedding light on this important topic just means a lot
to put, you know your pain out there.
What you do, what you have done,just really means the world.
Thank you so much. Yeah, so just a little bit of a
back story. So I had four pregnancy losses
(02:26):
before my beautiful little rainbow baby came into the
world. But I'm going to say my second
miscarriage because my second miscarriage is the one that I
first knew about. I had no idea about my first one
because the doctors never told me about my lab work.
So picture this. It was Christmas Eve when I
(02:46):
finally took a pregnancy test and got my first positive.
And so I was so excited to shareit with my husband 'cause we
hadn't only been trying for, youknow, 8 months.
Which I know in retrospect is not a long time compared to, you
know, other fertility journeys. But still, I mean, it was a very
(03:09):
rough year in 2020. So this was just such an amazing
like way to close the year. And so we woke up Christmas Day
where I put it in his stocking to tell him and I recorded it,
which I never got to release because, you know, we told our
families the next day and then New Year's, which was our engage
(03:33):
adversary, I, we were in the ER and that was my first known
miscarriage. So since then, the holidays have
just never looked the same for me.
So I know how difficult this time of year can be for couples
navigating this heartbreaking journey.
(03:53):
So I just want to let you know first of all, that I'm here like
I'm with you. And you don't ever have to feel
alone because that's what the space is so beautiful for is
that we're able to find people that we connect with and you
don't feel so alone. So I'm genuinely thank you so
much for creating this space because it's been a heaven sent
(04:16):
for me. So I just want to say thank you
for that too. Thank you, Sarah.
Yeah, it's it's true. Like we need to be around others
who understand what we're going through, our community of people
where we don't have to over explain ourselves in a world
that we do feel like we have to,or why we're still grieving or
why this is painful for us. And having this space is so
important. And having you as a volunteer
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and supporting us really means the world too.
To give a voice, you know, for others that might not feel like
they can give a voice right now.It's truly hard.
It's very hard to, I mean, I, I five years ago, I never imagined
this would be my life. I never imagined that I would be
sharing my story on social mediawith the world, literally
(05:04):
millions of people. I never imagined this.
But you know, when you, you hearthe statistic 1 and 4, but then
when you become the statistic, your life completely changes and
you see the world through a different set of lenses.
(05:26):
And suddenly, like, you don't recognize yourself.
You feel like you can't, you can't even talk to your best
friends. Like, like that was the biggest
thing for me is I didn't have anyone I could tell like my
negative thoughts to, you know, like everyone's trying to like
enforce these positive thoughts.And in a separate note, like
(05:49):
speaking positive to your body is a very, it's a healing
technique, which does work. Like if you speak positive
things to your body, like it's your nervous system's going to
listen. But on a second note, like I'm,
I'm the kind of personality I need to be angry.
I need to be mad. Like those are the phases of
grief that you need to feel. And I felt like I always had to
(06:12):
be so strong and so positive. So like, there was things that I
couldn't even tell my best friend back home.
One, she has three beautiful, healthy children.
And I just didn't know how to put that in words like what I
was feeling without like offending her.
So that was something that was extremely difficult for me to
(06:32):
navigate is having someone that I could trust to talk to and be
able to say negative things. And you know, that's what I love
this space for is because there are other women that are feeling
those same emotions of grief andthat you are able to be like,
get everything out there, right?Like that's what I needed.
(06:53):
That's what I truly need is justget it all out there because the
then you're able to start the healing process.
Yes, and to really have someone sit with you in your grief, you
know that everyone has great intentions when they say things,
right? And they hate seeing us in pain.
So they especially loved ones. So they want to say things like,
you know, everything happens fora reason.
(07:14):
And in those moments, it's like we're, you know, dealing with
the anger, we're dealing with all those feelings that come
with grief. And it's like, no, we just want
you to sit here angry with us for one minute.
Just let me just get this out. And honestly, it's.
Right. It's like it does cut that pain
for us and it, you know, sometimes cuts it in half,
sometimes just takes a little bit off.
But then you finally feel like you can breathe like once like
(07:35):
you do cry it out loud, like I just want to cry.
Nothing you say is going to takethis pain away, but let me just
get it out there and then let's go.
And when people were asking you how you're doing, like in our
space, we really want to know how you're doing.
Like tell us like this is where I'm at.
Like it is. And it's going to be the ugly
and great. We're here for it all, like the
ugly, the beauty, whatever. But out there in society, when
(07:57):
someone's asking, like, how are you doing?
They want to hear the fine, the OK, the good.
They don't want you to like trauma dump on them.
But in all reality, we're reallygoing through the worst
nightmare a parent can go through.
So, you know, if you don't really want the real and the
raw, don't ask. Yes, like and.
You know, yeah, it always turns so awkward, I guess because
(08:18):
like, like you said, they peopledo, they have the best of
intentions. They really do.
But until you, you're on the other side of it.
You're like, oh, I really shouldn't have said that.
You know, like, I mean, there's even time still.
I mean, I have thousands of women coming to me in my inboxes
asking me questions. And there's even still, like,
(08:40):
sometimes it even feels hard to say.
I'm so sorry, sorry, doesn't change what is going on, you
know, but like I always do my best to like open up a space for
them to just vent because I mean, the truth is, is like, I
could tell you a million ways that I used a million things
that I used to on my own personal healing journey.
(09:03):
And I can give you tips, protocols, you know, healing
techniques. But like the truth is, is you
have to, you have to put in the work and you have to process
your emotions first. So that's why I try to create a
space where people can just, youknow, dump their emotions, I
guess is the best way to put it,because that's really the most
healing. You're exactly right.
(09:24):
And it's really hearing other people's stories, experiences
and what they did because then you can find your own and you
can take like Modge Podge, you can take this person and this
person and this person and like create your own.
And some days that might work at, you know, whatever you put
into place. And then other days you're going
to rely on someone help carry you and you're going to do
something that they did to try something new because what you
(09:46):
were doing before wasn't workingand you know, because.
What you just said, like, you literally ripped the words out
of my mouth because, like, I'm so bad with words sometimes, but
what you just said is just like,spot on, spot on.
Sorry. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, no, Sarah.
No. Yeah, it's so true.
(10:06):
So it is hearing that and like today, you know, these holidays
and Oh, my goodness, you know, we're four years out from losing
our infant daughter and I'm likestill, you know, so I would love
to hear from you. Like the holidays are heavy
going into it, the lead up everything.
And, you know, how did you like,what were they like for you,
(10:31):
like after your losses, like thefirst holidays specifically?
And what really surprised you, whether it was painful or
unexpected, you know, Yeah. If I could put it in one like
phrase it, it was a blur. Like, I like looking back, like
I'm looking back at videos and Ijust there's things that I'm
(10:54):
just like, I don't, I remember being there physically, but like
emotionally I'm so detached and like, and even Thanksgiving,
Thanksgiving is this week, whichis I'm not going to get
emotional, but it's my favorite holiday.
And it was two years ago last month that we lost my daughter's
(11:16):
sibling. And you know, after miscarriage
and being able to welcome my beautiful rainbow baby, I was
like, nothing in the world's going to stop me and brought me
from joy now, right? Like you, you're like, I have
exactly what I wanted. And I find that living with
grief while you were also a mother is also just as equally,
if not more hard because you want to show up for them.
(11:38):
You want to give them the magic,you know, all of the core
memories, but like you're also piercing yourself back together,
which is really, really hard. So Thanksgiving is my favorite.
And then, you know, there was a period of time where I just I
lost that sparkle and I don't know if I'll ever fully get that
back. But like it is super hard still
(12:00):
to deal with and to still to process through because I want
to show up for my little rainbowbaby.
I want to give her everything that she, you know, all the
magic of the season. So it's ridiculously hard, but I
feel like, you know, there's pieces of me that will never
ever fully have like joy in the sparkle back, which is OK, like
(12:23):
I now, now I'm OK. I've learned to live with it and
I feel like at all some capacitywe we've learned to live with it
because we've accepted like they're in our hearts, right,
like we are. We are still going to celebrate
them. We'll light a candle for them.
We'll, you know, we'll do all ofthe things and include them in
our hearts just because we're not hanging a stocking or, you
(12:47):
know, taking them to the Christmas Eve church with us or
setting a dinner plate for them.Like they're still in our
hearts. We still pray for them.
We still, you know, they're still there in a sense.
So it's just learning to, it's learning to live with it while
healing at the same time. Absolutely.
(13:10):
I know that first year I, I feelthat so much.
You're like, I know I was physically there.
You're almost robotic. And honestly, the first year in
general after losing our babies and going through these
traumatic losses is hard to remember anything.
Like I like people remind me of events or current events or
things that happened in their life, which I knew about because
they told me, but I didn't remember and like it.
(13:34):
It was like all just kind of a blur.
And it's really like that with the holidays too.
Like I don't think preparing like I wish I would have done
this the first year, like with my husband having a game plan,
like, you know, when we were going to someone's house for a
holiday activity or yeah, like, listen, this is our code word.
(13:54):
Like if I need to escape, we gotta go.
Like this is it like I can't. Like I'm setting those
boundaries for yourself to know,like it's OK to allow yourself
just to go and, or if you're hosting to go up to your
bedroom, like you got this, you can entertain the guests.
Like I need like an hour to cry or like I need an hour just to
escape. And like really like sit with
something like, you know, and, and sitting with like our losses
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and things like that and like really getting to a place where
maybe I can go and re enter, youknow, but if not, that's OK too.
But the lighting the candle. But you said, Sarah, we started
doing that too. We started lighting a candle in
the morning to be like, listen, we're going to welcome anybody
who wants to talk about our babies, you know, before we
start anything because like, that elephant in the room,
right? I'm like, come on, people.
(14:38):
We're going to still talk about it.
We're still going to remember. Like, you guys need to like,
just know it's OK. And like, nobody feel awkward
about it almost, you know, like this is what we need to do for
ourselves because that's what's important because not all of our
living, our children are living in our arms today.
You hit the nail on the head with the boundaries thing that
(14:59):
that's probably my biggest lesson, to be honest.
Learning to set boundaries was the first step of me healing
because boundaries are so important because you know,
there's there's pieces of us that we don't want to show the
(15:19):
world to. There's just not.
And that was really hard for me during it was so hard because I
was never somebody that was ableto really tell people no until
the past three years. I've been really good at telling
(15:40):
people no in the past three years.
It's just because I had to learnto protect my space, my
emotions, like, and it's been well clarifying for me to learn
to set boundaries. Like no, we're not going to go
to this event. Like I don't, you know, I don't
have to have a physical presenceat this event.
(16:00):
I mean, it's they know, they know what I'm going through.
They don't understand that that's a them problem.
It's not a me problem. I've expressed my feelings
towards it. I've communicated everything
that I possibly could to make them understand.
I'm just not comfortable. And when you're not comfortable,
you don't have to put yourself in that space.
So I I hope you know that. Yes.
(16:23):
And if this is true, this is a like.
This is also like, I feel like when we go through our losses
too, it's like so exposed, like you do you feel exposed, you
feel like vulnerable because like it is, you know, horrific
with a parent living without their child.
And so in these sometimes, you know, it is private, like some
of the things that we're going through, some of the feelings
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that we're having and we don't want to share, we don't want to
talk about it. And do we have to over explain
ourselves to people that don't understand?
Like there's just no need for that when we're trying to
protect our own peace, our own happiness as or, you know,
picking up those pieces to learnto live in this doodality of
grief and still loving life and a life worth living, right?
So like trying to figure all that out without our children
(17:06):
here is so difficult. So it's like we don't need one
more thing to beat ourselves up about.
No. And also having the same
conversation over and over and over and refeed, it gets
daunting, like to have that sameconversation.
And it's like, you know, I understand that they, they're
super curious. They, they want to know the
(17:26):
details. They maybe they never known
anyone that's gone through miscarriage.
Maybe they have a bunch of questions And it's just like, it
can be so draining and overwhelming.
And it's OK to createspace to like be like, I can't handle
this conversation. It's not that I'm trying to be
rude or that I don't want you toknow this information.
I'm just saying I don't want this information to come from
(17:47):
me. Maybe go online, Go online and
start researching about like we know what couples go through and
ask questions to GPT or something I don't know.
Yes, like let me protect my own peace, like my own sanity, like
what I'm like, it took everything I had to get here
today. So like, I'm not ready to to, to
(18:09):
yeah, deep dive into those questions for you.
That's what Google's for, right?And.
Also, it's OK to not go to baby showers.
It's OK to leave the room. And so this is the time of year
a lot of people make pregnancy announcements and it's OK to
leave the room. It is not rude, it's not polite.
It's you're protecting your boundaries and your peace.
(18:30):
So if you need to like quietly go to the other room, leave if
you have to, you know, and then you can explain yourself later
after their joy is you know it'sthere.
It's been said they'll understand.
I promise you they will understand.
I mean, like even, it was so hard, even my my sister
(18:51):
announcing my nephew coming intothe world and how angry I felt,
how jealous I felt. And it's like, you want to feel
happy, but you, there's a piece of you that's happy because you,
you know, you have a new nephew being born, right?
But then the other half of you is just like, why can't that be
(19:12):
me? And it's OK to feel both
emotions. It's OK to feel both emotions at
once, and it's OK to disconnect from that conversation and
process your emotions. It's OK to disconnect.
Absolutely, absolutely. And it's that invisible grief,
invisible spaces. And so the person doing the
(19:33):
pregnancy announcement, they're thinking of their situation,
they should be right. They're celebrating joy and all
that. But then we also have to look at
ourselves. That's not our situation, right?
And this we need to disconnect ourselves sometimes from that
situation and allowing us to then handle what we need to
handle, right? So we're not then ruining their
(19:54):
moment, right? And so removing yourself
sometimes is the best option, you know, just to like handle
what was just presented to you because you didn't know it was
coming. And then, OK, not space that I
can go and approach him or I cantalk to him or I can be there
for them. But also in your time like that
too, like you, like they're handling their joy, you're
handling your own stuff too. So that's really important to
(20:16):
know that. Agreed.
And something I struggled with. Yeah.
Sarah and I would love, you know, to hear you too.
So Thanksgiving, right? It's all about giving thanks and
being grateful. And I struggled so hard,
especially our first year, firstholidays, to feel like that
fakeness almost. Sometimes you feel like that,
(20:36):
like when people all come together in a room or they're
out of Friendsgiving or whateverit is, they're not their real
authentic self. They're always shining light on,
you know, the best things that are happening in their life.
It can be like a social media reel all happening at once in
that room. And it's like really hard to
actually like sit there and say,like, I am not grateful this
(20:58):
year. Like I'm not thankful.
Like I am in the midst of my grief, Like I am in pain right
now. And not that, you know, I'm
ungrateful for life. Trust me.
Because people like to remind usof that, right?
When like, they're like, oh, we should be grateful for this and
that, like, in your pain. And it's like, it's not that
we're like, don't make us feel guilty and blamed because we're
already doing that to ourselves.We're already beating ourselves
(21:18):
up about everything. You know what, we could have
done different all those things,but like, to actually, like, sit
there. And it is so just.
Yeah, yeah. Even the whole at least you have
a daughter or at least you have one baby.
Like it's not OK to say. It's just not.
I wish more people knew that. At least are you should don't
(21:41):
open your mouth. That's what we always say.
Like if anything's going to comeout, and it's only in this space
too, not when someone loses a parent, they don't say, well, at
least you have another parent. Like they don't say, like at
least be grateful that you had aparent, you know?
No, it's like this is the only time someone inserts that.
And it's like, why are we comparing losses?
There should never be a comparison of losses or living
children in this moment because their child doesn't replace a
(22:02):
child. Just let's throw that out there
too, Sarah. Yeah, keep going.
Agree. I agree 100% like Thanksgiving,
you're right. It's like everybody's counting
their blessings right They I mean we go around the dinner
table or kids write it on littleleaves and they ask you to
participate. You know, like it's hard because
it's like you have that divide of pardon me is grateful there.
(22:26):
I mean, there are so many amazing things that God has
provided me that I am thankful for.
But on the other hand, like I'm still angry.
I'm still sad. Like life isn't what I pictured
it to be this time, especially this time of year at my age.
Like I could go on a foot of tea.
(22:46):
And then there's people that arelike they get, they find it hard
to be around me. And that's something that I've
learned to live with and learn to accept.
Like not all people are going tounderstand.
And that's OK. Like I have two amazing,
incredible best friends that like will always have my back.
(23:10):
And like, I don't need this big circle of all these, you know,
like this fake conversation, like you were saying, like
that's on social media. Like I don't need all of that.
Like I have this very small community of people that get
everything that I've been through and like, I don't need
to act or, you know, be myself. Like, and I've learned to say
no. I've learned to say no if I
(23:31):
don't feel comfortable in a situation not be able to be that
way. Like if I feel like I have to go
and act and be a certain way, like I'm not going to go.
And that's just who I am now. And that's you get what you get
to be honest, so. Exactly and no is a complete
sentence. No period.
That's fine. You don't need to over explain
yourself. You don't need to add anything
else to that. If you don't want to do
(23:53):
something, if it feels cringy toyou, if it's not, if it's
feeling awkward for you, there'sa reason your body's rejecting
that. Like thinking through going to
some, there's a reason for that.And I feel like we intentionally
live once we lose babies. Like at least for myself, I
should say, I've learned that like whoever gets my time or
however I use my time is what welike.
(24:14):
It's so precious on this earth. Like we like, we know that
because our baby's life was taken like they were only here
for a short period, you know? And it's like, so to live in
that, right? And understand that some people
are only here for seasons and reasons.
And also it's quality over quantity now, right?
And all of those things come into effect with the people that
(24:34):
we welcome into our lives and keep in our lives and ones that
are actually gonna understand orbe there and, you know, sit with
us and not just want the ones that are always checking in on
them or that joyous person. Like they actually want to be
there for us when we're going through like, hard times and
really like hard times with processing our grief and, you
(24:57):
know, being OK and sitting with us in it.
It's true. Yeah.
And I know for me too, somethingthat I personally struggle with,
and I, you mentioned it earlier that like that you want to be
grateful. And there was a huge piece of me
that struggled with like my faith, obviously, because I'm a,
(25:19):
I'm a very religious person. So that was something that I
struggled with a lot. And so when I just I had
conversations with myself, as silly as that sound, like I had
conversations with myself to kind of like be my own personal
cheerleader and like know that everything that I'm doing is to
protect me, to show up and be a good mom for the daughter that I
(25:44):
do have to be a Good Wife. And everything else is just
noise that I mean, at the end ofthe day, like if everything that
I've learned through faith is leading me to like that's my
umbrella, that's what I'm protecting and anybody else can
just. Be.
(26:05):
They can just be because I'm notworried about anybody than
what's in my little umbrella. Exactly.
And it's really the essentials, especially right after, right
after going through our losses. It's like the essentials are
like taking care of yourself, like being able to shower,
self-care, like do the basics, drink water, eat, you know,
(26:26):
those kind of things and then take care of our loved one, like
our immediate loved ones, right?And our house, like what that
looks like. And you're so spot on, Sarah,
the essentials really for survival mode when you're in it.
Yes and there is no timeline forthat and there is no being
dramatic like I, I was in comparison mode for the longest
(26:47):
time. I'm like, well, I'm not this
bad. I'm not that bad like one, there
is no timeline because grief andtrauma can live in the body for
decades, right? So it's like don't feel rushed
to be OK in a month or a year orfive years.
Like there is no time like for you are going to hold on to that
(27:10):
child probably till the day thatyou die and that's OK.
Like that your life has changed and it's OK to accept that. 2
There is no being dramatic. Like I, I, that's the part that
I had to learn to let go a lot. It's like, you know, oh, that
person, she can't even feed herself.
She can't even drink water. Like she's being so dramatic.
(27:31):
It's not dramatic. Like everybody's way that they
handle grief, everybody handles it differently.
There is no being dramatic. So whatever your body is trying
to do or like tell you, just listen to your body.
Your body knows exactly what to do.
Drown out all the noise. If you find someone, it's going
(27:52):
to be hurtful. It's really, I mean, I had
family members say some very hurtful things about me behind
my back. And you know what it's like, you
learn to forgive and forget kindof thing.
Like I forgive you, but I will never forget what you said.
But you just, you learn to adapt.
You learn to adapt to it and protect yourself.
Absolutely. I could not have said that
(28:13):
better, Sarah. It is exactly right.
And it's doing what you need to do in those moments to get you
to a place where you can be thatfunctioning person, right, for
your family, like show up, thosekind of things.
And for some people to say things behind your back.
I always like. It was really hard for me to
know, like, yeah, won't forget it.
(28:33):
But also, like, shame on them. And like, you know, then they
miss out on your life. They miss out on so much.
And like, oh, well, like they don't get to have the best
version of you if they can't handle, you know, the worst
version of you when you're goingthrough, like, the depths of
this. And so, yeah, it's, it's true.
Yeah. That was hard.
That was a hard one for me truthfully, because it's like
(28:56):
everyone's all like, Oh well, they're family or their blood.
Like, well, it doesn't get you afree pass to disrespect somebody
for the way that they process emotions.
Like everybody doesn't have the same like moral compass when it
comes to handling grief. You know, everybody and it looks
different for everybody and it'sOK.
(29:18):
I mean, you know, obviously somepeople are going to be like, I
want to help like, and that's great.
But like, if you don't want help, it's OK to say no.
I I just want to process this alone so.
Yes, and you don't need to feel like you need to over share or
over explain or over anything like you like exactly right.
I think sometimes like for myself, like I'm a people
(29:40):
pleaser, so like always wanting to do for others.
And it's really, it was really hard to turn that off and
understand that like, no, I really need to focus on myself
now. Like that is OK and being OK
with it, not feeling that guilt and shame over it or blame, you
know, all those things and just allowing it to be what it is.
And then now like at such a morecomfortable space and place with
(30:02):
being who I am and like being unapologetically like accepting
of myself, which is like, and it's all around, which I love
that you talked about, Sarah, isthat self talk, those positive
affirmations and almost like prep yourself, like gearing up
for something. And I know we do this.
Like I did it in my head, like Iwould work through every
situation because I never because from trauma, right?
(30:24):
Like you just don't want to put yourself in a situation that
like you don't have an escape route or you don't have have a
plan BCD in your head already. And because like never goes as
plan A. So it's like trying to like
figure out what you do have control over and what you can
control. But then how you would navigate
that. Because like, I feel like we do
play that all out and that's probably the lead up before the
holiday. Why I have grief hangovers
(30:46):
after. But like, seriously, it's like
playing it all out in your head.My husband right nuts because
I'm like what is this? I'm not that like I'm think of
every possible thing and it's like always the worst moment to
we're laying down to bed like we're all cuddling our daughter
like while she falls asleep and I'm like, Oh, but I didn't think
(31:08):
about this. And he's like stop, like
seriously stop. I like that's what I do.
And So what I learned to do is this is a technique that really
did help me is that if I had a situation like that, I would get
up and I would write it on a post it now and then, you know,
like in the morning, I'm like, Oh, I guess that's, that's not
really big a deal. And you just crumble it up and
(31:29):
throw it away. So then the thought is gone.
Like you wrote it up, you got itout, you got the message out on
paper, you told yourself. And then you realize a little
bit later that I guess if that happened, it wouldn't be the
worst thing in the world. Or if it is something that like,
and then you keep that sticking on, you have that discussion
with your spouse and you're like, this is my boundary
because of the scenario like this is a priority.
(31:50):
So that was a technique that really did work for me,
especially this time of year. Yeah, I hope.
Yeah. Oh, thanks for sharing that,
Sarah. Absolutely.
You know, so as we before we wrap up, I would love, what is
your message to grieving parentsthis holiday season?
Love to hear what you, you know,have to say to them.
(32:13):
Oh, that's a loading person. Yeah.
I it's hard. It's OK to be hard.
It's OK to be angry. It's OK to disconnect.
It's OK to not be present. It's OK to not be as thankful as
you once were. But the most important piece in
(32:34):
this is that I hope this is the biggest take away that I hope
that you know, is that you are adifferent person than you were
before you went through this. And there's this thing that we
have in our we have this image in our head our entire life, the
way that our life is going to look, that our life is going to
look like. But here's the thing, like you
(32:58):
are building so much resilience in yourself and there's going to
be so many different versions ofyou.
And I think the biggest piece for me is that learning to let
go of the version of me that I thought my life was going to
look like and just kind of just roll with it.
Because when you learn to let that expectation go, you start
(33:22):
finding little glimmers of hope again, especially during this
time. And so I hope that's one, the
biggest take away and two, that you just learned to say no,
create a safe space for yourself.
Realize that not everyone is going to understand the season
for you. They're just not.
And so if it makes you feel morecomfortable to not attend
(33:45):
certain events or to walk away when someone announces a
pregnancy, even if it's your sister, like I, it's, it's
difficult and it's OK to feel the way that they do.
You don't owe anyone an explanation.
You just, you work on you, you work on being yourself and you
learn to let go of what your ownexpectations are of yourself.
(34:11):
So. Thank you, Sarah, thank you for
your vulnerability, your wisdom,your compassion.
The holidays can be incredibly triggering and isolating for
families who have lost a baby, but hearing your story brings
comfort to so many who feel unseen, so thank you.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
(34:31):
To every parent listening, your grief is real, your love is
real, your baby matters and you do not have to walk through this
season alone. Chase the Rainbow's offers free
daily emotional support, different services to fit
whatever you need and seek, evenon holidays.
Because grief doesn't pause, andneither does our care.
Please visit babylossawareness.org, join our
(34:52):
support groups, and connect withus at Chase and the Rainbows,
Inc. And together we can hold space
for your heartbreak. Together we remember and
together we heal. Every loss matters today and
every holiday season. Thanks again, Sarah.
Thank you.
Crying Out Loud, a podcast by Chasing the Rainbows with your
host Bernice Quisenberry. Welcome back to Cry It Out Loud,
the podcast where we hold space for parents surviving the
unimaginable. Miscarriage, early baby loss,
(00:33):
still birth, infant loss, infertility, and pregnancy after
loss. All baby loss.
I'm your host from Chasing the Rainbows, A nonprofit providing
free daily emotional support because grief has no timeline
fit into a schedule, and no parent should ever feel alone.
Today, we are continuing an important conversation with
Sarah, known as Sarah the Detox coach on Instagram, whose
(00:57):
honesty, courage and advocacy have touched so many listeners.
In our last episode with Sarah, which will air in weeks, she
shared her earning with us, which definitely tune in for
that and make sure you have thaton your schedule through her
multiple early term early baby losses and her healing through
holistic Wellness. But today we're talking about a
(01:20):
topic that nearly every parent struggles with, and that's the
holidays. The lights, the music, the
gatherings, the traditions, theycan be incredibly painful
reminders of what should have been and who is missing.
Sarah, thank you so much for being here and for helping us
bring light to a season that canfeel so dark for so many.
Thank you. I'm truly so honored to be here.
(01:43):
I love being able to connect with so many other couples going
through the same heartbreaking journey, so thank you so much
for having me. Absolutely.
Thank you, Sarah, for being here.
And it is tough. It's, you know, tough as we
approach the holidays, the day itself and then that grief
hangover, you know, for days after.
(02:05):
So you shedding light on this important topic just means a lot
to put, you know your pain out there.
What you do, what you have done,just really means the world.
Thank you so much. Yeah, so just a little bit of a
back story. So I had four pregnancy losses
(02:26):
before my beautiful little rainbow baby came into the
world. But I'm going to say my second
miscarriage because my second miscarriage is the one that I
first knew about. I had no idea about my first one
because the doctors never told me about my lab work.
So picture this. It was Christmas Eve when I
(02:46):
finally took a pregnancy test and got my first positive.
And so I was so excited to shareit with my husband 'cause we
hadn't only been trying for, youknow, 8 months.
Which I know in retrospect is not a long time compared to, you
know, other fertility journeys. But still, I mean, it was a very
(03:09):
rough year in 2020. So this was just such an amazing
like way to close the year. And so we woke up Christmas Day
where I put it in his stocking to tell him and I recorded it,
which I never got to release because, you know, we told our
families the next day and then New Year's, which was our engage
(03:33):
adversary, I, we were in the ER and that was my first known
miscarriage. So since then, the holidays have
just never looked the same for me.
So I know how difficult this time of year can be for couples
navigating this heartbreaking journey.
(03:53):
So I just want to let you know first of all, that I'm here like
I'm with you. And you don't ever have to feel
alone because that's what the space is so beautiful for is
that we're able to find people that we connect with and you
don't feel so alone. So I'm genuinely thank you so
much for creating this space because it's been a heaven sent
(04:16):
for me. So I just want to say thank you
for that too. Thank you, Sarah.
Yeah, it's it's true. Like we need to be around others
who understand what we're going through, our community of people
where we don't have to over explain ourselves in a world
that we do feel like we have to,or why we're still grieving or
why this is painful for us. And having this space is so
important. And having you as a volunteer
(04:38):
and supporting us really means the world too.
To give a voice, you know, for others that might not feel like
they can give a voice right now.It's truly hard.
It's very hard to, I mean, I, I five years ago, I never imagined
this would be my life. I never imagined that I would be
sharing my story on social mediawith the world, literally
(05:04):
millions of people. I never imagined this.
But you know, when you, you hearthe statistic 1 and 4, but then
when you become the statistic, your life completely changes and
you see the world through a different set of lenses.
(05:26):
And suddenly, like, you don't recognize yourself.
You feel like you can't, you can't even talk to your best
friends. Like, like that was the biggest
thing for me is I didn't have anyone I could tell like my
negative thoughts to, you know, like everyone's trying to like
enforce these positive thoughts.And in a separate note, like
(05:49):
speaking positive to your body is a very, it's a healing
technique, which does work. Like if you speak positive
things to your body, like it's your nervous system's going to
listen. But on a second note, like I'm,
I'm the kind of personality I need to be angry.
I need to be mad. Like those are the phases of
grief that you need to feel. And I felt like I always had to
(06:12):
be so strong and so positive. So like, there was things that I
couldn't even tell my best friend back home.
One, she has three beautiful, healthy children.
And I just didn't know how to put that in words like what I
was feeling without like offending her.
So that was something that was extremely difficult for me to
(06:32):
navigate is having someone that I could trust to talk to and be
able to say negative things. And you know, that's what I love
this space for is because there are other women that are feeling
those same emotions of grief andthat you are able to be like,
get everything out there, right?Like that's what I needed.
(06:53):
That's what I truly need is justget it all out there because the
then you're able to start the healing process.
Yes, and to really have someone sit with you in your grief, you
know that everyone has great intentions when they say things,
right? And they hate seeing us in pain.
So they especially loved ones. So they want to say things like,
you know, everything happens fora reason.
(07:14):
And in those moments, it's like we're, you know, dealing with
the anger, we're dealing with all those feelings that come
with grief. And it's like, no, we just want
you to sit here angry with us for one minute.
Just let me just get this out. And honestly, it's.
Right. It's like it does cut that pain
for us and it, you know, sometimes cuts it in half,
sometimes just takes a little bit off.
But then you finally feel like you can breathe like once like
(07:35):
you do cry it out loud, like I just want to cry.
Nothing you say is going to takethis pain away, but let me just
get it out there and then let's go.
And when people were asking you how you're doing, like in our
space, we really want to know how you're doing.
Like tell us like this is where I'm at.
Like it is. And it's going to be the ugly
and great. We're here for it all, like the
ugly, the beauty, whatever. But out there in society, when
(07:57):
someone's asking, like, how are you doing?
They want to hear the fine, the OK, the good.
They don't want you to like trauma dump on them.
But in all reality, we're reallygoing through the worst
nightmare a parent can go through.
So, you know, if you don't really want the real and the
raw, don't ask. Yes, like and.
You know, yeah, it always turns so awkward, I guess because
(08:18):
like, like you said, they peopledo, they have the best of
intentions. They really do.
But until you, you're on the other side of it.
You're like, oh, I really shouldn't have said that.
You know, like, I mean, there's even time still.
I mean, I have thousands of women coming to me in my inboxes
asking me questions. And there's even still, like,
(08:40):
sometimes it even feels hard to say.
I'm so sorry, sorry, doesn't change what is going on, you
know, but like I always do my best to like open up a space for
them to just vent because I mean, the truth is, is like, I
could tell you a million ways that I used a million things
that I used to on my own personal healing journey.
(09:03):
And I can give you tips, protocols, you know, healing
techniques. But like the truth is, is you
have to, you have to put in the work and you have to process
your emotions first. So that's why I try to create a
space where people can just, youknow, dump their emotions, I
guess is the best way to put it,because that's really the most
healing. You're exactly right.
(09:24):
And it's really hearing other people's stories, experiences
and what they did because then you can find your own and you
can take like Modge Podge, you can take this person and this
person and this person and like create your own.
And some days that might work at, you know, whatever you put
into place. And then other days you're going
to rely on someone help carry you and you're going to do
something that they did to try something new because what you
(09:46):
were doing before wasn't workingand you know, because.
What you just said, like, you literally ripped the words out
of my mouth because, like, I'm so bad with words sometimes, but
what you just said is just like,spot on, spot on.
Sorry. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, no, Sarah.
No. Yeah, it's so true.
(10:06):
So it is hearing that and like today, you know, these holidays
and Oh, my goodness, you know, we're four years out from losing
our infant daughter and I'm likestill, you know, so I would love
to hear from you. Like the holidays are heavy
going into it, the lead up everything.
And, you know, how did you like,what were they like for you,
(10:31):
like after your losses, like thefirst holidays specifically?
And what really surprised you, whether it was painful or
unexpected, you know, Yeah. If I could put it in one like
phrase it, it was a blur. Like, I like looking back, like
I'm looking back at videos and Ijust there's things that I'm
(10:54):
just like, I don't, I remember being there physically, but like
emotionally I'm so detached and like, and even Thanksgiving,
Thanksgiving is this week, whichis I'm not going to get
emotional, but it's my favorite holiday.
And it was two years ago last month that we lost my daughter's
(11:16):
sibling. And you know, after miscarriage
and being able to welcome my beautiful rainbow baby, I was
like, nothing in the world's going to stop me and brought me
from joy now, right? Like you, you're like, I have
exactly what I wanted. And I find that living with
grief while you were also a mother is also just as equally,
if not more hard because you want to show up for them.
(11:38):
You want to give them the magic,you know, all of the core
memories, but like you're also piercing yourself back together,
which is really, really hard. So Thanksgiving is my favorite.
And then, you know, there was a period of time where I just I
lost that sparkle and I don't know if I'll ever fully get that
back. But like it is super hard still
(12:00):
to deal with and to still to process through because I want
to show up for my little rainbowbaby.
I want to give her everything that she, you know, all the
magic of the season. So it's ridiculously hard, but I
feel like, you know, there's pieces of me that will never
ever fully have like joy in the sparkle back, which is OK, like
(12:23):
I now, now I'm OK. I've learned to live with it and
I feel like at all some capacitywe we've learned to live with it
because we've accepted like they're in our hearts, right,
like we are. We are still going to celebrate
them. We'll light a candle for them.
We'll, you know, we'll do all ofthe things and include them in
our hearts just because we're not hanging a stocking or, you
(12:47):
know, taking them to the Christmas Eve church with us or
setting a dinner plate for them.Like they're still in our
hearts. We still pray for them.
We still, you know, they're still there in a sense.
So it's just learning to, it's learning to live with it while
healing at the same time. Absolutely.
(13:10):
I know that first year I, I feelthat so much.
You're like, I know I was physically there.
You're almost robotic. And honestly, the first year in
general after losing our babies and going through these
traumatic losses is hard to remember anything.
Like I like people remind me of events or current events or
things that happened in their life, which I knew about because
they told me, but I didn't remember and like it.
(13:34):
It was like all just kind of a blur.
And it's really like that with the holidays too.
Like I don't think preparing like I wish I would have done
this the first year, like with my husband having a game plan,
like, you know, when we were going to someone's house for a
holiday activity or yeah, like, listen, this is our code word.
(13:54):
Like if I need to escape, we gotta go.
Like this is it like I can't. Like I'm setting those
boundaries for yourself to know,like it's OK to allow yourself
just to go and, or if you're hosting to go up to your
bedroom, like you got this, you can entertain the guests.
Like I need like an hour to cry or like I need an hour just to
escape. And like really like sit with
something like, you know, and, and sitting with like our losses
(14:17):
and things like that and like really getting to a place where
maybe I can go and re enter, youknow, but if not, that's OK too.
But the lighting the candle. But you said, Sarah, we started
doing that too. We started lighting a candle in
the morning to be like, listen, we're going to welcome anybody
who wants to talk about our babies, you know, before we
start anything because like, that elephant in the room,
right? I'm like, come on, people.
(14:38):
We're going to still talk about it.
We're still going to remember. Like, you guys need to like,
just know it's OK. And like, nobody feel awkward
about it almost, you know, like this is what we need to do for
ourselves because that's what's important because not all of our
living, our children are living in our arms today.
You hit the nail on the head with the boundaries thing that
(14:59):
that's probably my biggest lesson, to be honest.
Learning to set boundaries was the first step of me healing
because boundaries are so important because you know,
there's there's pieces of us that we don't want to show the
(15:19):
world to. There's just not.
And that was really hard for me during it was so hard because I
was never somebody that was ableto really tell people no until
the past three years. I've been really good at telling
(15:40):
people no in the past three years.
It's just because I had to learnto protect my space, my
emotions, like, and it's been well clarifying for me to learn
to set boundaries. Like no, we're not going to go
to this event. Like I don't, you know, I don't
have to have a physical presenceat this event.
(16:00):
I mean, it's they know, they know what I'm going through.
They don't understand that that's a them problem.
It's not a me problem. I've expressed my feelings
towards it. I've communicated everything
that I possibly could to make them understand.
I'm just not comfortable. And when you're not comfortable,
you don't have to put yourself in that space.
So I I hope you know that. Yes.
(16:23):
And if this is true, this is a like.
This is also like, I feel like when we go through our losses
too, it's like so exposed, like you do you feel exposed, you
feel like vulnerable because like it is, you know, horrific
with a parent living without their child.
And so in these sometimes, you know, it is private, like some
of the things that we're going through, some of the feelings
(16:43):
that we're having and we don't want to share, we don't want to
talk about it. And do we have to over explain
ourselves to people that don't understand?
Like there's just no need for that when we're trying to
protect our own peace, our own happiness as or, you know,
picking up those pieces to learnto live in this doodality of
grief and still loving life and a life worth living, right?
So like trying to figure all that out without our children
(17:06):
here is so difficult. So it's like we don't need one
more thing to beat ourselves up about.
No. And also having the same
conversation over and over and over and refeed, it gets
daunting, like to have that sameconversation.
And it's like, you know, I understand that they, they're
super curious. They, they want to know the
(17:26):
details. They maybe they never known
anyone that's gone through miscarriage.
Maybe they have a bunch of questions And it's just like, it
can be so draining and overwhelming.
And it's OK to createspace to like be like, I can't handle
this conversation. It's not that I'm trying to be
rude or that I don't want you toknow this information.
I'm just saying I don't want this information to come from
(17:47):
me. Maybe go online, Go online and
start researching about like we know what couples go through and
ask questions to GPT or something I don't know.
Yes, like let me protect my own peace, like my own sanity, like
what I'm like, it took everything I had to get here
today. So like, I'm not ready to to, to
(18:09):
yeah, deep dive into those questions for you.
That's what Google's for, right?And.
Also, it's OK to not go to baby showers.
It's OK to leave the room. And so this is the time of year
a lot of people make pregnancy announcements and it's OK to
leave the room. It is not rude, it's not polite.
It's you're protecting your boundaries and your peace.
(18:30):
So if you need to like quietly go to the other room, leave if
you have to, you know, and then you can explain yourself later
after their joy is you know it'sthere.
It's been said they'll understand.
I promise you they will understand.
I mean, like even, it was so hard, even my my sister
(18:51):
announcing my nephew coming intothe world and how angry I felt,
how jealous I felt. And it's like, you want to feel
happy, but you, there's a piece of you that's happy because you,
you know, you have a new nephew being born, right?
But then the other half of you is just like, why can't that be
(19:12):
me? And it's OK to feel both
emotions. It's OK to feel both emotions at
once, and it's OK to disconnect from that conversation and
process your emotions. It's OK to disconnect.
Absolutely, absolutely. And it's that invisible grief,
invisible spaces. And so the person doing the
(19:33):
pregnancy announcement, they're thinking of their situation,
they should be right. They're celebrating joy and all
that. But then we also have to look at
ourselves. That's not our situation, right?
And this we need to disconnect ourselves sometimes from that
situation and allowing us to then handle what we need to
handle, right? So we're not then ruining their
(19:54):
moment, right? And so removing yourself
sometimes is the best option, you know, just to like handle
what was just presented to you because you didn't know it was
coming. And then, OK, not space that I
can go and approach him or I cantalk to him or I can be there
for them. But also in your time like that
too, like you, like they're handling their joy, you're
handling your own stuff too. So that's really important to
(20:16):
know that. Agreed.
And something I struggled with. Yeah.
Sarah and I would love, you know, to hear you too.
So Thanksgiving, right? It's all about giving thanks and
being grateful. And I struggled so hard,
especially our first year, firstholidays, to feel like that
fakeness almost. Sometimes you feel like that,
(20:36):
like when people all come together in a room or they're
out of Friendsgiving or whateverit is, they're not their real
authentic self. They're always shining light on,
you know, the best things that are happening in their life.
It can be like a social media reel all happening at once in
that room. And it's like really hard to
actually like sit there and say,like, I am not grateful this
(20:58):
year. Like I'm not thankful.
Like I am in the midst of my grief, Like I am in pain right
now. And not that, you know, I'm
ungrateful for life. Trust me.
Because people like to remind usof that, right?
When like, they're like, oh, we should be grateful for this and
that, like, in your pain. And it's like, it's not that
we're like, don't make us feel guilty and blamed because we're
already doing that to ourselves.We're already beating ourselves
(21:18):
up about everything. You know what, we could have
done different all those things,but like, to actually, like, sit
there. And it is so just.
Yeah, yeah. Even the whole at least you have
a daughter or at least you have one baby.
Like it's not OK to say. It's just not.
I wish more people knew that. At least are you should don't
(21:41):
open your mouth. That's what we always say.
Like if anything's going to comeout, and it's only in this space
too, not when someone loses a parent, they don't say, well, at
least you have another parent. Like they don't say, like at
least be grateful that you had aparent, you know?
No, it's like this is the only time someone inserts that.
And it's like, why are we comparing losses?
There should never be a comparison of losses or living
children in this moment because their child doesn't replace a
(22:02):
child. Just let's throw that out there
too, Sarah. Yeah, keep going.
Agree. I agree 100% like Thanksgiving,
you're right. It's like everybody's counting
their blessings right They I mean we go around the dinner
table or kids write it on littleleaves and they ask you to
participate. You know, like it's hard because
it's like you have that divide of pardon me is grateful there.
(22:26):
I mean, there are so many amazing things that God has
provided me that I am thankful for.
But on the other hand, like I'm still angry.
I'm still sad. Like life isn't what I pictured
it to be this time, especially this time of year at my age.
Like I could go on a foot of tea.
(22:46):
And then there's people that arelike they get, they find it hard
to be around me. And that's something that I've
learned to live with and learn to accept.
Like not all people are going tounderstand.
And that's OK. Like I have two amazing,
incredible best friends that like will always have my back.
(23:10):
And like, I don't need this big circle of all these, you know,
like this fake conversation, like you were saying, like
that's on social media. Like I don't need all of that.
Like I have this very small community of people that get
everything that I've been through and like, I don't need
to act or, you know, be myself. Like, and I've learned to say
no. I've learned to say no if I
(23:31):
don't feel comfortable in a situation not be able to be that
way. Like if I feel like I have to go
and act and be a certain way, like I'm not going to go.
And that's just who I am now. And that's you get what you get
to be honest, so. Exactly and no is a complete
sentence. No period.
That's fine. You don't need to over explain
yourself. You don't need to add anything
else to that. If you don't want to do
(23:53):
something, if it feels cringy toyou, if it's not, if it's
feeling awkward for you, there'sa reason your body's rejecting
that. Like thinking through going to
some, there's a reason for that.And I feel like we intentionally
live once we lose babies. Like at least for myself, I
should say, I've learned that like whoever gets my time or
however I use my time is what welike.
(24:14):
It's so precious on this earth. Like we like, we know that
because our baby's life was taken like they were only here
for a short period, you know? And it's like, so to live in
that, right? And understand that some people
are only here for seasons and reasons.
And also it's quality over quantity now, right?
And all of those things come into effect with the people that
(24:34):
we welcome into our lives and keep in our lives and ones that
are actually gonna understand orbe there and, you know, sit with
us and not just want the ones that are always checking in on
them or that joyous person. Like they actually want to be
there for us when we're going through like, hard times and
really like hard times with processing our grief and, you
(24:57):
know, being OK and sitting with us in it.
It's true. Yeah.
And I know for me too, somethingthat I personally struggle with,
and I, you mentioned it earlier that like that you want to be
grateful. And there was a huge piece of me
that struggled with like my faith, obviously, because I'm a,
(25:19):
I'm a very religious person. So that was something that I
struggled with a lot. And so when I just I had
conversations with myself, as silly as that sound, like I had
conversations with myself to kind of like be my own personal
cheerleader and like know that everything that I'm doing is to
protect me, to show up and be a good mom for the daughter that I
(25:44):
do have to be a Good Wife. And everything else is just
noise that I mean, at the end ofthe day, like if everything that
I've learned through faith is leading me to like that's my
umbrella, that's what I'm protecting and anybody else can
just. Be.
(26:05):
They can just be because I'm notworried about anybody than
what's in my little umbrella. Exactly.
And it's really the essentials, especially right after, right
after going through our losses. It's like the essentials are
like taking care of yourself, like being able to shower,
self-care, like do the basics, drink water, eat, you know,
(26:26):
those kind of things and then take care of our loved one, like
our immediate loved ones, right?And our house, like what that
looks like. And you're so spot on, Sarah,
the essentials really for survival mode when you're in it.
Yes and there is no timeline forthat and there is no being
dramatic like I, I was in comparison mode for the longest
(26:47):
time. I'm like, well, I'm not this
bad. I'm not that bad like one, there
is no timeline because grief andtrauma can live in the body for
decades, right? So it's like don't feel rushed
to be OK in a month or a year orfive years.
Like there is no time like for you are going to hold on to that
(27:10):
child probably till the day thatyou die and that's OK.
Like that your life has changed and it's OK to accept that. 2
There is no being dramatic. Like I, I, that's the part that
I had to learn to let go a lot. It's like, you know, oh, that
person, she can't even feed herself.
She can't even drink water. Like she's being so dramatic.
(27:31):
It's not dramatic. Like everybody's way that they
handle grief, everybody handles it differently.
There is no being dramatic. So whatever your body is trying
to do or like tell you, just listen to your body.
Your body knows exactly what to do.
Drown out all the noise. If you find someone, it's going
(27:52):
to be hurtful. It's really, I mean, I had
family members say some very hurtful things about me behind
my back. And you know what it's like, you
learn to forgive and forget kindof thing.
Like I forgive you, but I will never forget what you said.
But you just, you learn to adapt.
You learn to adapt to it and protect yourself.
Absolutely. I could not have said that
(28:13):
better, Sarah. It is exactly right.
And it's doing what you need to do in those moments to get you
to a place where you can be thatfunctioning person, right, for
your family, like show up, thosekind of things.
And for some people to say things behind your back.
I always like. It was really hard for me to
know, like, yeah, won't forget it.
(28:33):
But also, like, shame on them. And like, you know, then they
miss out on your life. They miss out on so much.
And like, oh, well, like they don't get to have the best
version of you if they can't handle, you know, the worst
version of you when you're goingthrough, like, the depths of
this. And so, yeah, it's, it's true.
Yeah. That was hard.
That was a hard one for me truthfully, because it's like
(28:56):
everyone's all like, Oh well, they're family or their blood.
Like, well, it doesn't get you afree pass to disrespect somebody
for the way that they process emotions.
Like everybody doesn't have the same like moral compass when it
comes to handling grief. You know, everybody and it looks
different for everybody and it'sOK.
(29:18):
I mean, you know, obviously somepeople are going to be like, I
want to help like, and that's great.
But like, if you don't want help, it's OK to say no.
I I just want to process this alone so.
Yes, and you don't need to feel like you need to over share or
over explain or over anything like you like exactly right.
I think sometimes like for myself, like I'm a people
(29:40):
pleaser, so like always wanting to do for others.
And it's really, it was really hard to turn that off and
understand that like, no, I really need to focus on myself
now. Like that is OK and being OK
with it, not feeling that guilt and shame over it or blame, you
know, all those things and just allowing it to be what it is.
And then now like at such a morecomfortable space and place with
(30:02):
being who I am and like being unapologetically like accepting
of myself, which is like, and it's all around, which I love
that you talked about, Sarah, isthat self talk, those positive
affirmations and almost like prep yourself, like gearing up
for something. And I know we do this.
Like I did it in my head, like Iwould work through every
situation because I never because from trauma, right?
(30:24):
Like you just don't want to put yourself in a situation that
like you don't have an escape route or you don't have have a
plan BCD in your head already. And because like never goes as
plan A. So it's like trying to like
figure out what you do have control over and what you can
control. But then how you would navigate
that. Because like, I feel like we do
play that all out and that's probably the lead up before the
holiday. Why I have grief hangovers
(30:46):
after. But like, seriously, it's like
playing it all out in your head.My husband right nuts because
I'm like what is this? I'm not that like I'm think of
every possible thing and it's like always the worst moment to
we're laying down to bed like we're all cuddling our daughter
like while she falls asleep and I'm like, Oh, but I didn't think
(31:08):
about this. And he's like stop, like
seriously stop. I like that's what I do.
And So what I learned to do is this is a technique that really
did help me is that if I had a situation like that, I would get
up and I would write it on a post it now and then, you know,
like in the morning, I'm like, Oh, I guess that's, that's not
really big a deal. And you just crumble it up and
(31:29):
throw it away. So then the thought is gone.
Like you wrote it up, you got itout, you got the message out on
paper, you told yourself. And then you realize a little
bit later that I guess if that happened, it wouldn't be the
worst thing in the world. Or if it is something that like,
and then you keep that sticking on, you have that discussion
with your spouse and you're like, this is my boundary
because of the scenario like this is a priority.
(31:50):
So that was a technique that really did work for me,
especially this time of year. Yeah, I hope.
Yeah. Oh, thanks for sharing that,
Sarah. Absolutely.
You know, so as we before we wrap up, I would love, what is
your message to grieving parentsthis holiday season?
Love to hear what you, you know,have to say to them.
(32:13):
Oh, that's a loading person. Yeah.
I it's hard. It's OK to be hard.
It's OK to be angry. It's OK to disconnect.
It's OK to not be present. It's OK to not be as thankful as
you once were. But the most important piece in
(32:34):
this is that I hope this is the biggest take away that I hope
that you know, is that you are adifferent person than you were
before you went through this. And there's this thing that we
have in our we have this image in our head our entire life, the
way that our life is going to look, that our life is going to
look like. But here's the thing, like you
(32:58):
are building so much resilience in yourself and there's going to
be so many different versions ofyou.
And I think the biggest piece for me is that learning to let
go of the version of me that I thought my life was going to
look like and just kind of just roll with it.
Because when you learn to let that expectation go, you start
(33:22):
finding little glimmers of hope again, especially during this
time. And so I hope that's one, the
biggest take away and two, that you just learned to say no,
create a safe space for yourself.
Realize that not everyone is going to understand the season
for you. They're just not.
And so if it makes you feel morecomfortable to not attend
(33:45):
certain events or to walk away when someone announces a
pregnancy, even if it's your sister, like I, it's, it's
difficult and it's OK to feel the way that they do.
You don't owe anyone an explanation.
You just, you work on you, you work on being yourself and you
learn to let go of what your ownexpectations are of yourself.
(34:11):
So. Thank you, Sarah, thank you for
your vulnerability, your wisdom,your compassion.
The holidays can be incredibly triggering and isolating for
families who have lost a baby, but hearing your story brings
comfort to so many who feel unseen, so thank you.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
(34:31):
To every parent listening, your grief is real, your love is
real, your baby matters and you do not have to walk through this
season alone. Chase the Rainbow's offers free
daily emotional support, different services to fit
whatever you need and seek, evenon holidays.
Because grief doesn't pause, andneither does our care.
Please visit babylossawareness.org, join our
(34:52):
support groups, and connect withus at Chase and the Rainbows,
Inc. And together we can hold space
for your heartbreak. Together we remember and
together we heal. Every loss matters today and
every holiday season. Thanks again, Sarah.
Thank you.
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