November 25, 2025 • 33 mins
...and then there’s the moment you’re just standing in the pasta sauce aisle, realizing your life doesn’t come in a set of two anymore.
No one warns you about that part of life after divorce.
The everyday grief.
The way your stomach drops when you reach for a family-size anything and remember: it’s just me now.
In this episode, Dawn, Joy, and Tiff unpack why the tiny, ordinary moments hit harder than the big ones — and why the grocery store aisle can feel like a spiritual breakdown near the beans.
You’ll learn:
- why these moments have little to do with missing him
- what’s actually happening in your nervous system when that wave hits
- the parts of you (IFS) that come online in grocery-store grief
- why your identity feels shaky, young, or overwhelmed
- the difference between the “old hard” and the “new hard” of healing
- why your body says no long before your mind catches on
- how to honor your capacity during the holidays
- the sentence that will ground you instantly when the grief sneaks up
And later, in our My Body Said No segment, we share the real, raw ways our bodies are setting boundaries this season — and how honoring those no’s is a core part of healing divorce grief.
If you’ve ever pretended to compare marinara jars just to get a second to breathe… this episode will feel like someone finally naming what you’ve been carrying.
Love you.
See you Thursday for the grounding ritual inside our premium episode.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn
Instagram: (@dawnwiggins)
Instagram: (@coachtiffini)
On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
Post Divorce Road Map : 21 Days of Journaling
Promo Code: MAGICDROP
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_03 (01:01):
Okay, listen, none of us were truly prepared for
the grocery store aisle afterdivorce.
Like, yeah, people warn youabout holidays and court and
co-parenting and all of that,but nobody fully pulls you aside
and prepares you for a pastasauce aisle, might freaking take
you out.
So the first time you reachedfor family-sized anything and
(01:23):
realized, oh, it's just me now,and your stomach dropped in a
way you could still feel.
And it wasn't about him, it wasthat tiny painful shift in
identity, realizing your lifedoesn't come in the set of two
packaging anymore.
So if you've ever stood therepretending to compare marinara
jars just to buy yourself asecond to breathe, you're not
(01:44):
crazy.
You're grieving more than youever realized.
Let's talk about that.
Hi, love.
Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary,the podcast helping divorcees go
beyond talk therapy to processyour grief, find the healing you
crave, and build back yourconfidence.
(02:06):
I'm your host, Don Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer, and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
All right, darlings.
(02:26):
Today we are going to explainwhy the everyday moments hit
harder than the big onessometimes.
Super, super fascinatingconcept.
And a little later in theepisode, we are gonna give you a
sentence to say in your headthat will really help soften the
sting when it sneaks up on you.
And that's how grief works,right?
It just really sort of likezings you out of nowhere.
(02:48):
So we're gonna give you asentence to really be able to
ground and keep repeating toyourself.
Later in the episode, we aregonna dig into what that moment
in the grocery store aisle ismost deeply about because it's
not actually missing him.
It goes far beyond that.
And we're gonna help you getgrounded in those moments.
And if you stick with us to theend, we are going to have a
(03:09):
segment called My Body Said No.
And in the My Body Said Nosegment, we are going to reveal
to you the ways in which ourbodies have been saying no to do
with the holidays, even yearslater, and how we are tackling
those things and how you cantoo.
So let's freaking dig in.
Also, sidebaring, no one who'veheard me say this at the top of
the episode, but we areimpatiently, not patiently,
(03:33):
awaiting your submissions forour new segment on the ways that
you are winning at life anddivorce right now because we are
here to go well beyond namingour wounds, loves.
Like when we listen to theepisodes, we get really good at
naming our wounds, feeling seen,feeling heard, feeling
understood.
But then we have to go releasingthem and sending us your wins
and focusing on those thingsfundamentally helps you release
(03:57):
wounds.
So we are impatiently waitingand cannot wait to get your
submissions.
In the meantime, help me welcomeTiffer Doodle and Producer Joy
to the episode.
Good morning, ladies.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Tell me the very specificreasons each of you cannot wait
to get emails from our listenersabout the things that they're
(04:18):
winning at.
SPEAKER_02 (04:20):
Listen, like celebrating the tiny wins is
everything.
Like it gives it gives all threeof us such a high, knowing that
our listeners are noticing andletting us be in on the win and
including us in their in theirvibe up, in their leveling up.
SPEAKER_03 (04:44):
Right.
And it's so momentum building,like you tell us, and then we
celebrate you, and that keepsthe high like it's literally on
the vibrational scale, it keepsthe vibration going.
Because very often we there's somuch harder stuff than there is
good stuff, and then we havetrouble breaking out of that low
vibe state.
So when you share a high vibestate and somebody celebrates
you, right?
It keeps that high vibe stategoing.
SPEAKER_02 (05:04):
Right.
And it's like the it's like uhwe're we're a team, we're a
unit, we're like that, that likethat community um facet in your
brain that kicks in when you getto include someone in your win
and they get to celebrate you,and it's like this cycle of
circle of family team building.
SPEAKER_01 (05:23):
I feel like women tend to focus way too hard too
on the bad days and like the badshit that happens through the
course of the day or thetriggers they experienced.
And a lot of times I tell women,like, take a step back and look
at how far you've come.
Or look at the things that youwere able to do today that you
couldn't have done a week ago, amonth ago, a year ago.
SPEAKER_03 (05:40):
We're so hard on ourselves, right?
We could get five complimentsand one like you could stand to
do this, and then we focus onthe you could stand to do this
versus the compliments.
Yeah, we have to retrain ourbrains, right?
So when we share our wins, we'reliterally teaching our reticular
activating system to look formore wins, and then all of a
sudden we see more wins, andthen absolutely we retrain our
brains to be going in adifferent direction.
(06:01):
So it's literally an act ofreclaiming and empowering your
healing journey to email us yourwins.
So we're not letting you off thehook with this.
Send us your email today.
Auntie Dawn said I had to sendher my wins so that we can love
you and celebrate you and keepthe vibes going.
All right, back to the episode.
(06:25):
Let's talk about why theeveryday moments hit so much
harder sometimes than the bigones.
So we're in the grocery storeand Q scene, right?
We're in the grocery store, youknow, you can hear the like
music playing over the whatever.
I'm always cold in the grocerygrocery store, you like I'm
always like extra cold.
SPEAKER_00 (06:43):
It's crazy.
SPEAKER_03 (06:45):
I know.
And um, I don't know, maybeyou've got a million things in
your mind, you're tired, youknow, the budget to consider,
whatever it is, and then likeall of these feelings hit you.
Um talk us through it.
Why does it why does it hit sofreaking hard?
SPEAKER_01 (07:00):
Around the holidays for me, so my holidays with him
looked a little bit differentbecause he was in the military.
So there weren't a lot ofChristmases or holidays that he
was home for, but there was thebox, and all the wives wanted to
send the Christmas boxesoverseas with all their favorite
things in them.
So for my ex-husband loved theQueen Anne's chocolate-covered
(07:20):
cherries, he was obsessed withthem, and they always come out
around Christmas time.
So post divorce, every time Isaw a box of Queen Anne's
chocolate-covered cherries, Iwould just get this sinking
feeling like I have nobody tobuy those for now.
And then I would think, well,who's buying stuff for him?
Is he okay?
Is he bad?
Like all of this ruminating shitlike started to come up with me.
(07:43):
Um, and I remember still feelinglike that like two or three
years post-divorce, where Istill felt this impulse to buy
the freaking cherries for him.
And it was wild.
Also, the holidays were alwaysabout our families.
We lived in North Carolina, ourfamilies both lived in similar
towns right next to each other.
And so I would always take mydaughter up to Pennsylvania and
(08:06):
we would celebrate Thanksgivingand/or Christmas with both
families, but it was only me.
Post-divorce, let's talk aboutthe fact that I was a leper to
his family.
And I was still forced toengage.
And because my daughter was soyoung, sometimes she wasn't
comfortable being there byherself.
So she would say, Mommy, can youplease stay?
(08:27):
And when I would hear thosedreaded words, I'd be like, Oh
my god.
Yeah.
Wow, I'm not sure.
SPEAKER_03 (08:35):
Yeah, I relate so much to that buying something
for somebody else.
Like, I, if I started datingthis guy right around the time
of getting divorced, right?
Read anxious attachment style.
And I would go to the grocerystore all the time to buy things
for him to avoid this exactgrocery store sensation, right?
So as long as I had somebody tobuy food for, I was not, or like
(08:58):
their favorite drink or whateverit was, right?
Then as long as I had somebodyto care for, I didn't have to
feel that intense, like I am allalone sensation that came down
the road right after that thingcrashed and burned.
Yeah, and I think it speaks somuch to the roles we play and
the lack of identity in capitalS self, right?
(09:18):
That we uh relate more to theroles we play as women
caretaker, mother, partner,spouse, boss, sister, daughter,
whatever it is.
And then when that role isstripped, we it see so clearly
like how much our identity issort of built on on um
foundation of sand.
I don't know.
Does that make sense?
(09:38):
Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01 (09:40):
And it's scary how it can all be wiped away in a
second.
It's like you build a life withsomebody, and some of our
clients have built a life withsomebody decades long.
Decades.
You know, I'm talking 20, 30years, and all of a sudden
everything you knew goes likequicksand, and it's it's scary
to how quickly everything canchange.
The relationships with hisfamily, the relationships with
(10:01):
your friends, everything thatonce felt stable and like it was
part of your existence no longerexists.
I actually had someone reach outto us this morning in our online
community, and she said, I feelcompletely lost without him.
I don't even know who I amanymore.
You must think I'm crazy.
And I'm like, actually, I wouldthink you're crazy if you didn't
feel that way.
That's right.
Yeah, when you go through this,it feels like everything that
(10:23):
felt safe to you is no longersafe.
And that feeling of it's likewalking down the stairs and
missing a step, right?
That stomach drop every morning,like shit, the life that I built
and created for myself is nolonger it anymore.
And I don't know who to turn toor where to go.
These people who looked at me atthe holidays who welcomed me
into their home with smiles ontheir faces, whether they were
(10:46):
fake or not, now look at me likeI am the worst thing that ever
came into because they saw youas the role and not as the
person.
SPEAKER_03 (10:56):
Right?
So it's it's something that issociety-wide, right?
We celebrate roles versuspeople.
What you can do for me, not whoyou are.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Joy, I know you had a lot ofgrocery store moments when you
were in your life.
SPEAKER_02 (11:13):
I did, because my identity was him, right?
Like I was a stay-at-home mom.
I was a stay-at-home wife, andso like everything I remember, I
remember like the night he left,I walked into the kitchen, and
this big, huge, very expensivebottle of LaFroig was on my
(11:37):
counter, and I'm like, like,it's because everything was
always about himself.
Going to the grocery store, Iwould pick his favorite snacks
and I'd get his favorite foods,and I would get the big bottle
of mouthwash, and I would dobecause everything revolved
around my role as his wife, asuh, because that is, you know,
(11:57):
like what I was bred or designedor um told to be, right?
Conditioned to be.
And so when he left and I wouldgo to the grocery store, I all
of a sudden like I don't I don'tknow what to buy, I don't know
what to get, I don't know,because everything was
programmed, pre-programmed, andI don't need the big battle of
(12:20):
mouthwash anymore.
And so I spent years, um, andlater on in the episode, I'm
super excited about uh the toolsthat that we're gonna talk
about, but like I spent yearswith headphones in because I was
so anxious and I didn'tnecessarily understand what was
(12:43):
happening, but I did not believethat I was safe.
It was like a in the grocerystore.
In the grocery store, right?
And so like I I was gonna runinto somebody or I was gonna
have somebody say something, orI was gonna buy the wrong thing,
or yes, you were gonna run intosomebody.
SPEAKER_03 (13:01):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (13:02):
And so, and then I start ruminating and I start
perseverating on what happenswhen I get a flash of, you know,
like I get a flash of blondehair and oh my gosh, what am I,
what am I, who am I gonna see?
What am I gonna say?
What am I gonna do?
Especially when I was with mychildren, because then then now
I'm not as a mother able to keepthem safe.
And it was all perception, likeI was never unsafe.
(13:24):
Now I know that.
Then I didn't, my body did not.
And so I continuously tried toschedule my grocery store trips
around work hours.
I continuously try scheduled my,you know, like I would do when
he had the girls, I would docertain areas errands at certain
(13:45):
times visitation-wise, right?
And so I would do certain thingsat certain times to avoid
running into anybody oranything.
And I felt like the whole town,the whole town was constantly
staring at me, whispering behindmy back, gossiping, whatever the
case was with.
So I was very, very, very awareof every time I walked into a
store.
SPEAKER_03 (14:04):
So I love that you talked about you used earbuds
for years.
Can you imagine, for instance,if at that time you had had our
Thursday premium episode to helpground you in that context, in
that moment, in that space,right?
Because our this week premiumepisode is gonna address this,
like what is needed and what iscalled for when you're having
that panic attack in the groceryaisle.
(14:26):
Can you imagine if you had hadaccess to that then?
Because you would listen to alot of really great stuff,
right?
Like a podcast or 528 Hertz.
But what if you at that time hadbeen able to go beyond like
trying to escape the sense ofnot being safe and instead were
able to like ground in themoment into your capital S self?
Wouldn't that have been amazing?
SPEAKER_02 (14:46):
Yeah.
So we all it would have saved mea lot of extra.
SPEAKER_03 (14:53):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So we're all sort of on the samepage that the reason the grocery
store is so big and scary isbecause our identities, for
whatever reason, right, likeattachment style related, early
childhood experiences, likesocietal shaping and programming
and whatnot, really um shaped usto have uh an identity founded
(15:15):
on somebody other than ourself,right?
And so then here we are in thegrocery store and our identity
feels really shook.
We don't have a clear sense ofself or walls of self, right?
If we feel like, I don't know,like we're oozing, uh not solid,
not stable, right?
And I might even argue we feelyoung, right?
Like because if you sent aneight-year-old into the grocery
(15:36):
store to shop on their own, theywould feel really overwhelmed
and insecure and anxious anduncomfortable and not like they
had the capacity, right?
And I think that's a lot of whathappens in divorce, is it
reveals the parts of us that areyoung and unhealed and
disassociated.
And so that grocery store aislefeels so overwhelming because to
our subconscious mind, itprofoundly is.
It's real what you'reexperiencing in that moment.
(15:57):
So let's go through.
I have this sentence that I wantyou to be able to stay in your
head.
And you could just work with theroot of the sentence, right?
I'm going to I'm gonna say morethan one sentence, but I'm gonna
repeat the main core sentencemany, many, many times.
So this is a moment to just sortof soften through the shoulders,
soften through the jaw, take abreath, and just receive this,
(16:19):
right?
When you're in this grocerystore aisle to notice my body is
simply asking for safety rightnow.
And I am learning where to findit.
In this breath, in moments justlike this one, and in the spaces
(16:41):
where I'm learning to feel safewith myself and other women,
maybe for the first time.
It's the same safety we keeppracticing together on Thursday
premium episodes when we gobeyond naming the wound and
begin to release it.
I feel so much safer when Irelease the wounds.
And in workshops where my bodyfinally remembers what safety
(17:04):
feels like, my body's justasking for safety right now.
And I am learning where to findit.
Take a big deep breath.
Wonderful.
Let's dig a little bit deeper,Tiffany.
(17:26):
If you could talk us through thedeeper elements of what's going
on in that aisle from an IFS,from a parts perspective.
Because it's not about missinghim, right?
It's deeper than that.
So talk to us a little bit aboutwhat's going on from like an
exile manager firefighter partperspective in the grocery store
aisle.
SPEAKER_01 (17:46):
Mm-hmm.
So you're definitely gonna haveagain these younger parts.
So somewhere in your backstoryare themes of abandonment,
rejection, not belonging.
Also, like Joy said, havingother people look at you, you
know, feeling like you're beingstared at, feeling very
uncomfortable.
And so it's basically theseyounger parts that are asking to
(18:07):
be seen that are superactivated.
Um, and so usually in situationslike that, your manager might
take over and just look at yourchecklist.
You might have a manager thatcomes in and is trying to people
please, so you're smiling ateverybody, you're going above
and beyond to be chatty withpeople that you aren't normally
chatty with, just to prove apoint, to prove that you're okay
(18:27):
and that you have it together.
Firefighter could say, I need toget the hell out of here now.
Um, and you might just likeabandon cart and abortion.
We have we have somebody who didthat, yeah.
You know, it's like this is toooverwhelming, I need to run.
It's all these beautiful layersof you, right?
And it's kind of those partsbecome very activated when they
(18:48):
don't feel seen and they don'tfeel welcome.
And so we always try to pushthat stuff away.
We always try to push away whatfeels uncomfortable or what
feels scary.
I'm really excited too becauseon our Thursday episodes, we're
gonna start a segment two that'scalled After the Mic.
And this is gonna offer theseraw peak behind the curtains of
(19:09):
joy, Dawn and myself in ourcurrent life now, things that
we're still dealing with, thingsthat we still feel triggered in
sometimes, and how we kind ofwork through it many, many years
post-divorce andpost-separation, right?
SPEAKER_03 (19:21):
Because the difference between naming the
wound and releasing the wound isbeing able to tolerate staying
with it and responding to itdifferently, right?
And so, yeah, that's what's soexciting about because yeah, uh,
you know, historically, if youwere in the grocery store aisle
and you wanted to distanceyourself from that pain, you
would use all these strategiesthat the parts have, right, to
distance from the pain.
(19:42):
But healing is about being ableto sit with it for a moment and
release it or shed it or put itdown or unburden yourself from
the pain, right?
It's like, I I want us to do anemail series where we talk about
the two different types of hard,right?
Where we have the old way ofhard, which is when we're just
stuck in it, and we're eitherlike stuck in the hard or dare I
say spiraling downwards in thehard.
(20:03):
And then there's the new kind ofhard where we're improving our
capacity to feel it and releaseit.
And it's hard to release it,right?
It's hard to unburden, but it'sa different kind of hard that
gets lighter and lighter becauseyou're spiraling up, right?
And so it's like, can you askyourself, am I doing the old
kind of hard right now when I'mstaying stuck in the hard or I'm
(20:26):
spiraling deeper into the hard?
Or am I doing the new hard whereI'm releasing and unburdening?
Because the reality is, is thereasons we panic in the grocery
store, the reasons our partspanic is because they don't have
the resources, they don't havethe confidence, you don't have
the confidence in yourself thatyou can handle it, and you don't
have confidence in your path oryour journey or your healing
(20:49):
process that you're gonna beable to have what you want in
the end, right?
And so it's from this place offeeling inadequate or insecure,
like I can't have what I want,or I don't have the strength to
face this, or I don't have theconfidence to move through it,
that we panic.
Because panic really comes froma feeling like we don't have the
resources, there's not enough ofsomething.
SPEAKER_01 (21:08):
I would love to tell everybody out there that
listening to our podcast isgonna magically heal you in 30
days or less, right?
Like we would love to have thosedisplay.
Okay, wouldn't that be amazing?
Yeah, but but it goes beyondthat.
So, like to all the women thatare like hanging out in the
outskirts, right?
Like it's like a team sectiononly, right?
Like you're back there andyou're listening to us on the
(21:28):
pod and you're you have theawareness to kind of know what's
going on.
Take it a step further.
Join our online community, joinpremium, come into our
workshops, come into our divorceprograms.
Like, that's when all of thisshit will really start to change
for you.
The new kind of hard.
Yes, like the new kind of hard.
The difference is now you haveus and a community of other
(21:49):
women to hold you through that.
That's the difference.
And that's where change startsto really start to shift.
SPEAKER_03 (21:56):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
So when you're in that moment inthe aisle and you need to get
grounded, right?
That's the thing that theThursday episode is going to
help you do.
But let's talk about, let's namewhat it is that needs to happen
to get grounded in that aisle.
So you're having a spiritualbreakdown near the beans, right?
And you're like black beans orkidney beans or pinto beans, I
don't know.
(22:16):
And so what needs to happen isthe ability to witness those
parts that are using thosestrategies, right?
The manager that Tiffany talkedabout that goes to her
checklist, or the one thatstarts overcompensating by, you
know, talking to somebody aboutbeans awkwardly, right?
Or the firefighter.
I remember who it was that ranout on her cart.
Um, it's Karen from an ApauseLove Lounge.
(22:37):
She tells this storypost-divorce that she literally
did that.
She left the cart in the grocerystore aisle and ran outside and
got in her car.
That was it was her firefighterpart, right?
That did that.
And I think it's a really,really, really common story.
So when you're having thatspiritual breakdown near the
beans, the goal is to take abreath, to be in your body, to
feel in your body, right?
And to witness those parts ofyou and those strategies that
(22:59):
are going on.
And that's we're gonna walk youthrough in the Thursday episode
is the ability to get in touchwith and witness those parts so
that they can feel seen, heard,and supported.
So there's more resource.
Okay, so let's dig into ourholiday season 2025 version of
my body said no, right?
This is a segment we're gonna domore and more.
My body said no.
(23:20):
I think there is so much of ummy body said no going on for
women day in and day out oflife, but we override the body,
right?
We override the body and we justpush through, and that leads to
disassociation.
It leads to more suffering forlonger, it it breaks down the
process of healing, right?
When we ignore the body sayingno, it actually interrupts the
(23:43):
process of healing when weoverride.
And so we're gonna talk aboutthe ways that our body said no
lately, bonus points if it canhave to do with the holidays,
and the ways we're honoring ourbodies and we're doing it
differently, right?
Now, I want to acknowledge thatdoing it differently takes
capacity.
And and the the journey ofhealing really is the process of
(24:05):
unburdening parts, which expandsour capacity, right?
Shedding painful layers we'vebeen carrying around, like
literally like Scrooge with hishis chains and his weights and
all that crap, right?
It's like the process of healingreally is unburdening all those
weights we've been carrying.
It increases our capacity andand then we rise, right?
And we can we can face thingsand do things differently.
Um, and I know all of ourfavorite tools to unburden are
(24:27):
things like, for instance,homeopathy, IFS, EMDR, somatics,
you name it, right?
But yeah, let's talk about theways we, my body, my body said
no.
Who wants to go first?
SPEAKER_01 (24:37):
This past weekend I had brunch plans with somebody.
And I just woke up that morningfeeling like shit.
Like I just did not feel like Ihad capacity to hold a
conversation or be social orhave the energy to really even
put on makeup or actual pants.
Actual pants.
I basically yeah, actual pantsinstead of my yoga pants instead
(24:58):
of it all the time.
And so I just I felt that waveof guilt for a split second, and
then I just sent a text andsaid, I'm so sorry, but I'm not
feeling well today and my bodysays now I'm gonna reschedule.
SPEAKER_03 (25:11):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Amazing.
Can we talk about a recentawareness I had that if a
restaurant is serving brunch andit doesn't have sourdough, it's
missing the entire plot.
That's that's how I feel aboutit's how I feel about brunch.
It must have sourdough.
SPEAKER_01 (25:26):
So I know where I'm taking you for brunch when you
visit me.
Absolutely.
unknown (25:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (25:31):
Yeah.
For sure.
Yeah.
My body is a good one.
Yeah.
Like um I I live in a southernmountain city where brunch is
part of religion.
It is like breathing air.
It is and people get really intoit.
And if you don't havereservations on Sunday, you're
not getting into brunch anywherehere.
Wow.
That's intense.
(25:52):
Yeah.
Okay.
But it's so much fun.
I love it.
SPEAKER_03 (25:54):
Yeah.
I love that.
Well, well done, honoring yourbody.
SPEAKER_02 (26:00):
Don, I really love the your breakdown earlier this
morning when you talked aboutself-energy versus narcissism.
You know, like what thebreakdown of this of the stages
of.
Can you tell our listeners thatonly because I think it really
helps put because as women, weare kind of shamed for having
(26:21):
our our own needs and our owndesires for listening to our
body.
Right, right.
And so, like, I really love theway you broke that down and
explained the difference.
SPEAKER_03 (26:30):
Yeah.
So this is borrowed from LoriGerber.
She is our in-house datingexpert.
She was historically the datingexpert for like MASH.com and
Zeus and JDate and in our12-month healing container, a
different D-Word, she is ourin-house dating consultant that
the women in our program get towork with at the end.
Um, she has been a guest on thepodcast several times.
(26:51):
She is a dear friend.
I'm on menopause love loungewith her, so I got this from
her.
But she describes that um whenyou are in a relationship, and
this could be a friendship, itcould be a family relationship,
it could be with a spouse orpartner, that when you solely
care about the other person'sexperience of the relationship,
(27:12):
and you are not able to consideryour own needs or your own
perspective or your own identityor your own experience of it,
that is codependency.
When you are in a relationshipand you mostly care about the
other person's per perspectiveand you struggle to care about
your perspective, but maybe youconsider it sometimes, that is
people pleasing.
(27:33):
When you are able to be in arelationship with someone,
anyone, and you are able todance between I care about my
experience of the relationshipand yours, mine and yours, mine
and yours, and we can't actuallymultitask.
Our brains actually can't holdmultiple things at once.
We do switch between subjects.
So it is a dance of I thou, Ithou, I thou, which many
(27:55):
historical philosophers andpsychologists have written about
over the years.
But this is not a new concept.
That is the healthy balance weare looking for in relationship,
that I take turns caring aboutmy experience and your
experience in the relationship.
But if you are someone who's inrelationship and you mostly only
care about your experience ofit, and you only sometimes care
(28:16):
about other people's experienceof it, you are selfish.
And if you are in a relationshipand you solely care about your
experience and you don't reallycare about the other person's
experience, that is narcissism.
And so there are a lot of waysto analyze narcissism these
days, or selfishness, orcodependency, or people
pleasing, right?
But I, my body said no thisweekend to something
(28:36):
specifically about the holidaysbecause I am so used to taking
ultimate responsibility for thepeople who are selfish or
narcissistic in relationshipsand don't really give much
credence at all to my experienceof the relationship.
And I'm used to overcompensatingfor them a lot.
And so this weekend, my bodysaid no to having our family
(28:58):
Thanksgiving in the place thatwe've been having it for the
last couple of years becauseit's not enjoyable.
It's awful.
And my body said no, and I allof a sudden mustered up the
courage to tell the person whotypically hosts it that I am
pulling rank.
I didn't say it like that, andrelocating it to our home where
it will be more grounded, warm,inviting, stable, where I can
(29:20):
be, you know, in self-energyrather than having to
disassociate to escape howuncomfortable it is at this
other person's house.
So my body said no, and Ihonored it.
And I made the phone call and Isaid to the person, I'm gonna
make this uncomfortable request,and my heart is gonna race while
I do it, but I'm gonna do itanyways.
So thank you for listening.
And it was received, and it'sfine.
(29:41):
And is there gonna be somediscomfort maybe in the
unfoldment?
And that's the differencebetween old hard and new hard,
right?
So, and this is what I think isreally, really important for
people to understand because oldhard is it's hard, and I go and
I disassociate or I suck it upor I push it down and I power
through.
But I have now disconnected fromself and I've used old trauma
patterns.
(30:01):
New hard is I break the cycleand I feel a little anxious or
uncomfortable doing it, but it'swhile I'm holding space for
those parts of me to feel seen,heard, and understood, and I
make, I forge a literal newsynaptic pathway in my brain for
the new way and build confidencetowards that new way.
So, yes, both ways areuncomfortable, but one keeps us
(30:23):
entrenched in the old traumapatterns and one builds the
scaffolding and theinfrastructure for independence,
autonomy, interdependence,actually, not even independent,
interdependence, right?
Receiving new love, receivingsupport, initiating support for
and with myself, right?
First, and then being able toreceive it from other places.
So yeah, my body said no.
SPEAKER_02 (30:45):
I love it, and and the immediate pushback and shame
and the response, but able tostand in that and stay in self
without going small or withoutretreating and understanding
that that's there.
Their stuff that's not yours.
You don't do anything wrong byrequesting that change of venue,
(31:05):
you know.
Um, I thought I thought that wasa really beautiful breakdown.
SPEAKER_01 (31:09):
And also expect people that you're setting these
boundaries with to not receiveit well.
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (31:14):
This isn't a good idea.
SPEAKER_03 (31:15):
Right.
In this case, yeah, in thiscase, it did go well, but I can
tell you there are other peoplein my life where it would not
have gone that well.
Right.
Um, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (31:23):
And we have some clients that'll text me and say,
Hey, I set that boundary now.
This person is pissed off orthey went off on me.
Well, yes, that is going tohappen.
And that is a hundred percentokay.
SPEAKER_03 (31:32):
Yep.
Yeah.
And that's where we have to holdlots of space for our own
nervous systems and our parts ofself, right?
Our managers, our firefighters,our exiles.
We have to love them well sothat they can um feel that they
are worth that boundary setting.
SPEAKER_02 (31:47):
Right.
And they are safe to feel it.
They are safe to um they're notactually in danger or on fire.
SPEAKER_03 (31:56):
We really are just all sweet, like little girls and
boys running around pretendingto be adults.
Yeah, and healing really is theprocess of integrating all those
young parts, right?
And feeling actually grown.
And it's an incredible relief.
Yeah.
We would love to hear yourversions of my body said no.
(32:19):
And I listened, right?
So send us some examples, sendus a DM with My Body Said No.
Send us your wins, send us yourjoys, send us your
breakthroughs.
Like, let's freaking not justtalk about healing.
Let's heal together.
So take these steps.
Like, right, join us.
Join us in doing the behavior ofhealing because it's more than
just, yeah, hearing and a newyear is coming.
SPEAKER_01 (32:42):
Do you want to be in the same spot a year from now,
or would you rather be someplacemagical, right?
SPEAKER_03 (32:47):
No, 100%.
100%.
Yeah.
So, but it's really, can you letit in, right?
Can you let it in?
Can you do the new hard versusthe old heart?
Yeah.
All right.
We'll see you in th on theThursday premium episode where
we help you get grounded in selfwhen you're in that grocery
store aisle and can't wait forit.
Love you so much.
Peace.com.
Okay, listen, none of us were truly prepared for
the grocery store aisle afterdivorce.
Like, yeah, people warn youabout holidays and court and
co-parenting and all of that,but nobody fully pulls you aside
and prepares you for a pastasauce aisle, might freaking take
you out.
So the first time you reachedfor family-sized anything and
(01:23):
realized, oh, it's just me now,and your stomach dropped in a
way you could still feel.
And it wasn't about him, it wasthat tiny painful shift in
identity, realizing your lifedoesn't come in the set of two
packaging anymore.
So if you've ever stood therepretending to compare marinara
jars just to buy yourself asecond to breathe, you're not
(01:44):
crazy.
You're grieving more than youever realized.
Let's talk about that.
Hi, love.
Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary,the podcast helping divorcees go
beyond talk therapy to processyour grief, find the healing you
crave, and build back yourconfidence.
(02:06):
I'm your host, Don Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer, and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
All right, darlings.
(02:26):
Today we are going to explainwhy the everyday moments hit
harder than the big onessometimes.
Super, super fascinatingconcept.
And a little later in theepisode, we are gonna give you a
sentence to say in your headthat will really help soften the
sting when it sneaks up on you.
And that's how grief works,right?
It just really sort of likezings you out of nowhere.
(02:48):
So we're gonna give you asentence to really be able to
ground and keep repeating toyourself.
Later in the episode, we aregonna dig into what that moment
in the grocery store aisle ismost deeply about because it's
not actually missing him.
It goes far beyond that.
And we're gonna help you getgrounded in those moments.
And if you stick with us to theend, we are going to have a
(03:09):
segment called My Body Said No.
And in the My Body Said Nosegment, we are going to reveal
to you the ways in which ourbodies have been saying no to do
with the holidays, even yearslater, and how we are tackling
those things and how you cantoo.
So let's freaking dig in.
Also, sidebaring, no one who'veheard me say this at the top of
the episode, but we areimpatiently, not patiently,
(03:33):
awaiting your submissions forour new segment on the ways that
you are winning at life anddivorce right now because we are
here to go well beyond namingour wounds, loves.
Like when we listen to theepisodes, we get really good at
naming our wounds, feeling seen,feeling heard, feeling
understood.
But then we have to go releasingthem and sending us your wins
and focusing on those thingsfundamentally helps you release
(03:57):
wounds.
So we are impatiently waitingand cannot wait to get your
submissions.
In the meantime, help me welcomeTiffer Doodle and Producer Joy
to the episode.
Good morning, ladies.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Tell me the very specificreasons each of you cannot wait
to get emails from our listenersabout the things that they're
(04:18):
winning at.
SPEAKER_02 (04:20):
Listen, like celebrating the tiny wins is
everything.
Like it gives it gives all threeof us such a high, knowing that
our listeners are noticing andletting us be in on the win and
including us in their in theirvibe up, in their leveling up.
SPEAKER_03 (04:44):
Right.
And it's so momentum building,like you tell us, and then we
celebrate you, and that keepsthe high like it's literally on
the vibrational scale, it keepsthe vibration going.
Because very often we there's somuch harder stuff than there is
good stuff, and then we havetrouble breaking out of that low
vibe state.
So when you share a high vibestate and somebody celebrates
you, right?
It keeps that high vibe stategoing.
SPEAKER_02 (05:04):
Right.
And it's like the it's like uhwe're we're a team, we're a
unit, we're like that, that likethat community um facet in your
brain that kicks in when you getto include someone in your win
and they get to celebrate you,and it's like this cycle of
circle of family team building.
SPEAKER_01 (05:23):
I feel like women tend to focus way too hard too
on the bad days and like the badshit that happens through the
course of the day or thetriggers they experienced.
And a lot of times I tell women,like, take a step back and look
at how far you've come.
Or look at the things that youwere able to do today that you
couldn't have done a week ago, amonth ago, a year ago.
SPEAKER_03 (05:40):
We're so hard on ourselves, right?
We could get five complimentsand one like you could stand to
do this, and then we focus onthe you could stand to do this
versus the compliments.
Yeah, we have to retrain ourbrains, right?
So when we share our wins, we'reliterally teaching our reticular
activating system to look formore wins, and then all of a
sudden we see more wins, andthen absolutely we retrain our
brains to be going in adifferent direction.
(06:01):
So it's literally an act ofreclaiming and empowering your
healing journey to email us yourwins.
So we're not letting you off thehook with this.
Send us your email today.
Auntie Dawn said I had to sendher my wins so that we can love
you and celebrate you and keepthe vibes going.
All right, back to the episode.
(06:25):
Let's talk about why theeveryday moments hit so much
harder sometimes than the bigones.
So we're in the grocery storeand Q scene, right?
We're in the grocery store, youknow, you can hear the like
music playing over the whatever.
I'm always cold in the grocerygrocery store, you like I'm
always like extra cold.
SPEAKER_00 (06:43):
It's crazy.
SPEAKER_03 (06:45):
I know.
And um, I don't know, maybeyou've got a million things in
your mind, you're tired, youknow, the budget to consider,
whatever it is, and then likeall of these feelings hit you.
Um talk us through it.
Why does it why does it hit sofreaking hard?
SPEAKER_01 (07:00):
Around the holidays for me, so my holidays with him
looked a little bit differentbecause he was in the military.
So there weren't a lot ofChristmases or holidays that he
was home for, but there was thebox, and all the wives wanted to
send the Christmas boxesoverseas with all their favorite
things in them.
So for my ex-husband loved theQueen Anne's chocolate-covered
(07:20):
cherries, he was obsessed withthem, and they always come out
around Christmas time.
So post divorce, every time Isaw a box of Queen Anne's
chocolate-covered cherries, Iwould just get this sinking
feeling like I have nobody tobuy those for now.
And then I would think, well,who's buying stuff for him?
Is he okay?
Is he bad?
Like all of this ruminating shitlike started to come up with me.
(07:43):
Um, and I remember still feelinglike that like two or three
years post-divorce, where Istill felt this impulse to buy
the freaking cherries for him.
And it was wild.
Also, the holidays were alwaysabout our families.
We lived in North Carolina, ourfamilies both lived in similar
towns right next to each other.
And so I would always take mydaughter up to Pennsylvania and
(08:06):
we would celebrate Thanksgivingand/or Christmas with both
families, but it was only me.
Post-divorce, let's talk aboutthe fact that I was a leper to
his family.
And I was still forced toengage.
And because my daughter was soyoung, sometimes she wasn't
comfortable being there byherself.
So she would say, Mommy, can youplease stay?
(08:27):
And when I would hear thosedreaded words, I'd be like, Oh
my god.
Yeah.
Wow, I'm not sure.
SPEAKER_03 (08:35):
Yeah, I relate so much to that buying something
for somebody else.
Like, I, if I started datingthis guy right around the time
of getting divorced, right?
Read anxious attachment style.
And I would go to the grocerystore all the time to buy things
for him to avoid this exactgrocery store sensation, right?
So as long as I had somebody tobuy food for, I was not, or like
(08:58):
their favorite drink or whateverit was, right?
Then as long as I had somebodyto care for, I didn't have to
feel that intense, like I am allalone sensation that came down
the road right after that thingcrashed and burned.
Yeah, and I think it speaks somuch to the roles we play and
the lack of identity in capitalS self, right?
(09:18):
That we uh relate more to theroles we play as women
caretaker, mother, partner,spouse, boss, sister, daughter,
whatever it is.
And then when that role isstripped, we it see so clearly
like how much our identity issort of built on on um
foundation of sand.
I don't know.
Does that make sense?
(09:38):
Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01 (09:40):
And it's scary how it can all be wiped away in a
second.
It's like you build a life withsomebody, and some of our
clients have built a life withsomebody decades long.
Decades.
You know, I'm talking 20, 30years, and all of a sudden
everything you knew goes likequicksand, and it's it's scary
to how quickly everything canchange.
The relationships with hisfamily, the relationships with
(10:01):
your friends, everything thatonce felt stable and like it was
part of your existence no longerexists.
I actually had someone reach outto us this morning in our online
community, and she said, I feelcompletely lost without him.
I don't even know who I amanymore.
You must think I'm crazy.
And I'm like, actually, I wouldthink you're crazy if you didn't
feel that way.
That's right.
Yeah, when you go through this,it feels like everything that
(10:23):
felt safe to you is no longersafe.
And that feeling of it's likewalking down the stairs and
missing a step, right?
That stomach drop every morning,like shit, the life that I built
and created for myself is nolonger it anymore.
And I don't know who to turn toor where to go.
These people who looked at me atthe holidays who welcomed me
into their home with smiles ontheir faces, whether they were
(10:46):
fake or not, now look at me likeI am the worst thing that ever
came into because they saw youas the role and not as the
person.
SPEAKER_03 (10:56):
Right?
So it's it's something that issociety-wide, right?
We celebrate roles versuspeople.
What you can do for me, not whoyou are.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Joy, I know you had a lot ofgrocery store moments when you
were in your life.
SPEAKER_02 (11:13):
I did, because my identity was him, right?
Like I was a stay-at-home mom.
I was a stay-at-home wife, andso like everything I remember, I
remember like the night he left,I walked into the kitchen, and
this big, huge, very expensivebottle of LaFroig was on my
(11:37):
counter, and I'm like, like,it's because everything was
always about himself.
Going to the grocery store, Iwould pick his favorite snacks
and I'd get his favorite foods,and I would get the big bottle
of mouthwash, and I would dobecause everything revolved
around my role as his wife, asuh, because that is, you know,
(11:57):
like what I was bred or designedor um told to be, right?
Conditioned to be.
And so when he left and I wouldgo to the grocery store, I all
of a sudden like I don't I don'tknow what to buy, I don't know
what to get, I don't know,because everything was
programmed, pre-programmed, andI don't need the big battle of
(12:20):
mouthwash anymore.
And so I spent years, um, andlater on in the episode, I'm
super excited about uh the toolsthat that we're gonna talk
about, but like I spent yearswith headphones in because I was
so anxious and I didn'tnecessarily understand what was
(12:43):
happening, but I did not believethat I was safe.
It was like a in the grocerystore.
In the grocery store, right?
And so like I I was gonna runinto somebody or I was gonna
have somebody say something, orI was gonna buy the wrong thing,
or yes, you were gonna run intosomebody.
SPEAKER_03 (13:01):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (13:02):
And so, and then I start ruminating and I start
perseverating on what happenswhen I get a flash of, you know,
like I get a flash of blondehair and oh my gosh, what am I,
what am I, who am I gonna see?
What am I gonna say?
What am I gonna do?
Especially when I was with mychildren, because then then now
I'm not as a mother able to keepthem safe.
And it was all perception, likeI was never unsafe.
(13:24):
Now I know that.
Then I didn't, my body did not.
And so I continuously tried toschedule my grocery store trips
around work hours.
I continuously try scheduled my,you know, like I would do when
he had the girls, I would docertain areas errands at certain
(13:45):
times visitation-wise, right?
And so I would do certain thingsat certain times to avoid
running into anybody oranything.
And I felt like the whole town,the whole town was constantly
staring at me, whispering behindmy back, gossiping, whatever the
case was with.
So I was very, very, very awareof every time I walked into a
store.
SPEAKER_03 (14:04):
So I love that you talked about you used earbuds
for years.
Can you imagine, for instance,if at that time you had had our
Thursday premium episode to helpground you in that context, in
that moment, in that space,right?
Because our this week premiumepisode is gonna address this,
like what is needed and what iscalled for when you're having
that panic attack in the groceryaisle.
(14:26):
Can you imagine if you had hadaccess to that then?
Because you would listen to alot of really great stuff,
right?
Like a podcast or 528 Hertz.
But what if you at that time hadbeen able to go beyond like
trying to escape the sense ofnot being safe and instead were
able to like ground in themoment into your capital S self?
Wouldn't that have been amazing?
SPEAKER_02 (14:46):
Yeah.
So we all it would have saved mea lot of extra.
SPEAKER_03 (14:53):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So we're all sort of on the samepage that the reason the grocery
store is so big and scary isbecause our identities, for
whatever reason, right, likeattachment style related, early
childhood experiences, likesocietal shaping and programming
and whatnot, really um shaped usto have uh an identity founded
(15:15):
on somebody other than ourself,right?
And so then here we are in thegrocery store and our identity
feels really shook.
We don't have a clear sense ofself or walls of self, right?
If we feel like, I don't know,like we're oozing, uh not solid,
not stable, right?
And I might even argue we feelyoung, right?
Like because if you sent aneight-year-old into the grocery
(15:36):
store to shop on their own, theywould feel really overwhelmed
and insecure and anxious anduncomfortable and not like they
had the capacity, right?
And I think that's a lot of whathappens in divorce, is it
reveals the parts of us that areyoung and unhealed and
disassociated.
And so that grocery store aislefeels so overwhelming because to
our subconscious mind, itprofoundly is.
It's real what you'reexperiencing in that moment.
(15:57):
So let's go through.
I have this sentence that I wantyou to be able to stay in your
head.
And you could just work with theroot of the sentence, right?
I'm going to I'm gonna say morethan one sentence, but I'm gonna
repeat the main core sentencemany, many, many times.
So this is a moment to just sortof soften through the shoulders,
soften through the jaw, take abreath, and just receive this,
(16:19):
right?
When you're in this grocerystore aisle to notice my body is
simply asking for safety rightnow.
And I am learning where to findit.
In this breath, in moments justlike this one, and in the spaces
(16:41):
where I'm learning to feel safewith myself and other women,
maybe for the first time.
It's the same safety we keeppracticing together on Thursday
premium episodes when we gobeyond naming the wound and
begin to release it.
I feel so much safer when Irelease the wounds.
And in workshops where my bodyfinally remembers what safety
(17:04):
feels like, my body's justasking for safety right now.
And I am learning where to findit.
Take a big deep breath.
Wonderful.
Let's dig a little bit deeper,Tiffany.
(17:26):
If you could talk us through thedeeper elements of what's going
on in that aisle from an IFS,from a parts perspective.
Because it's not about missinghim, right?
It's deeper than that.
So talk to us a little bit aboutwhat's going on from like an
exile manager firefighter partperspective in the grocery store
aisle.
SPEAKER_01 (17:46):
Mm-hmm.
So you're definitely gonna haveagain these younger parts.
So somewhere in your backstoryare themes of abandonment,
rejection, not belonging.
Also, like Joy said, havingother people look at you, you
know, feeling like you're beingstared at, feeling very
uncomfortable.
And so it's basically theseyounger parts that are asking to
(18:07):
be seen that are superactivated.
Um, and so usually in situationslike that, your manager might
take over and just look at yourchecklist.
You might have a manager thatcomes in and is trying to people
please, so you're smiling ateverybody, you're going above
and beyond to be chatty withpeople that you aren't normally
chatty with, just to prove apoint, to prove that you're okay
(18:27):
and that you have it together.
Firefighter could say, I need toget the hell out of here now.
Um, and you might just likeabandon cart and abortion.
We have we have somebody who didthat, yeah.
You know, it's like this is toooverwhelming, I need to run.
It's all these beautiful layersof you, right?
And it's kind of those partsbecome very activated when they
(18:48):
don't feel seen and they don'tfeel welcome.
And so we always try to pushthat stuff away.
We always try to push away whatfeels uncomfortable or what
feels scary.
I'm really excited too becauseon our Thursday episodes, we're
gonna start a segment two that'scalled After the Mic.
And this is gonna offer theseraw peak behind the curtains of
(19:09):
joy, Dawn and myself in ourcurrent life now, things that
we're still dealing with, thingsthat we still feel triggered in
sometimes, and how we kind ofwork through it many, many years
post-divorce andpost-separation, right?
SPEAKER_03 (19:21):
Because the difference between naming the
wound and releasing the wound isbeing able to tolerate staying
with it and responding to itdifferently, right?
And so, yeah, that's what's soexciting about because yeah, uh,
you know, historically, if youwere in the grocery store aisle
and you wanted to distanceyourself from that pain, you
would use all these strategiesthat the parts have, right, to
distance from the pain.
(19:42):
But healing is about being ableto sit with it for a moment and
release it or shed it or put itdown or unburden yourself from
the pain, right?
It's like, I I want us to do anemail series where we talk about
the two different types of hard,right?
Where we have the old way ofhard, which is when we're just
stuck in it, and we're eitherlike stuck in the hard or dare I
say spiraling downwards in thehard.
(20:03):
And then there's the new kind ofhard where we're improving our
capacity to feel it and releaseit.
And it's hard to release it,right?
It's hard to unburden, but it'sa different kind of hard that
gets lighter and lighter becauseyou're spiraling up, right?
And so it's like, can you askyourself, am I doing the old
kind of hard right now when I'mstaying stuck in the hard or I'm
(20:26):
spiraling deeper into the hard?
Or am I doing the new hard whereI'm releasing and unburdening?
Because the reality is, is thereasons we panic in the grocery
store, the reasons our partspanic is because they don't have
the resources, they don't havethe confidence, you don't have
the confidence in yourself thatyou can handle it, and you don't
have confidence in your path oryour journey or your healing
(20:49):
process that you're gonna beable to have what you want in
the end, right?
And so it's from this place offeeling inadequate or insecure,
like I can't have what I want,or I don't have the strength to
face this, or I don't have theconfidence to move through it,
that we panic.
Because panic really comes froma feeling like we don't have the
resources, there's not enough ofsomething.
SPEAKER_01 (21:08):
I would love to tell everybody out there that
listening to our podcast isgonna magically heal you in 30
days or less, right?
Like we would love to have thosedisplay.
Okay, wouldn't that be amazing?
Yeah, but but it goes beyondthat.
So, like to all the women thatare like hanging out in the
outskirts, right?
Like it's like a team sectiononly, right?
Like you're back there andyou're listening to us on the
(21:28):
pod and you're you have theawareness to kind of know what's
going on.
Take it a step further.
Join our online community, joinpremium, come into our
workshops, come into our divorceprograms.
Like, that's when all of thisshit will really start to change
for you.
The new kind of hard.
Yes, like the new kind of hard.
The difference is now you haveus and a community of other
(21:49):
women to hold you through that.
That's the difference.
And that's where change startsto really start to shift.
SPEAKER_03 (21:56):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
So when you're in that moment inthe aisle and you need to get
grounded, right?
That's the thing that theThursday episode is going to
help you do.
But let's talk about, let's namewhat it is that needs to happen
to get grounded in that aisle.
So you're having a spiritualbreakdown near the beans, right?
And you're like black beans orkidney beans or pinto beans, I
don't know.
(22:16):
And so what needs to happen isthe ability to witness those
parts that are using thosestrategies, right?
The manager that Tiffany talkedabout that goes to her
checklist, or the one thatstarts overcompensating by, you
know, talking to somebody aboutbeans awkwardly, right?
Or the firefighter.
I remember who it was that ranout on her cart.
Um, it's Karen from an ApauseLove Lounge.
(22:37):
She tells this storypost-divorce that she literally
did that.
She left the cart in the grocerystore aisle and ran outside and
got in her car.
That was it was her firefighterpart, right?
That did that.
And I think it's a really,really, really common story.
So when you're having thatspiritual breakdown near the
beans, the goal is to take abreath, to be in your body, to
feel in your body, right?
And to witness those parts ofyou and those strategies that
(22:59):
are going on.
And that's we're gonna walk youthrough in the Thursday episode
is the ability to get in touchwith and witness those parts so
that they can feel seen, heard,and supported.
So there's more resource.
Okay, so let's dig into ourholiday season 2025 version of
my body said no, right?
This is a segment we're gonna domore and more.
My body said no.
(23:20):
I think there is so much of ummy body said no going on for
women day in and day out oflife, but we override the body,
right?
We override the body and we justpush through, and that leads to
disassociation.
It leads to more suffering forlonger, it it breaks down the
process of healing, right?
When we ignore the body sayingno, it actually interrupts the
(23:43):
process of healing when weoverride.
And so we're gonna talk aboutthe ways that our body said no
lately, bonus points if it canhave to do with the holidays,
and the ways we're honoring ourbodies and we're doing it
differently, right?
Now, I want to acknowledge thatdoing it differently takes
capacity.
And and the the journey ofhealing really is the process of
(24:05):
unburdening parts, which expandsour capacity, right?
Shedding painful layers we'vebeen carrying around, like
literally like Scrooge with hishis chains and his weights and
all that crap, right?
It's like the process of healingreally is unburdening all those
weights we've been carrying.
It increases our capacity andand then we rise, right?
And we can we can face thingsand do things differently.
Um, and I know all of ourfavorite tools to unburden are
(24:27):
things like, for instance,homeopathy, IFS, EMDR, somatics,
you name it, right?
But yeah, let's talk about theways we, my body, my body said
no.
Who wants to go first?
SPEAKER_01 (24:37):
This past weekend I had brunch plans with somebody.
And I just woke up that morningfeeling like shit.
Like I just did not feel like Ihad capacity to hold a
conversation or be social orhave the energy to really even
put on makeup or actual pants.
Actual pants.
I basically yeah, actual pantsinstead of my yoga pants instead
(24:58):
of it all the time.
And so I just I felt that waveof guilt for a split second, and
then I just sent a text andsaid, I'm so sorry, but I'm not
feeling well today and my bodysays now I'm gonna reschedule.
SPEAKER_03 (25:11):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Amazing.
Can we talk about a recentawareness I had that if a
restaurant is serving brunch andit doesn't have sourdough, it's
missing the entire plot.
That's that's how I feel aboutit's how I feel about brunch.
It must have sourdough.
SPEAKER_01 (25:26):
So I know where I'm taking you for brunch when you
visit me.
Absolutely.
unknown (25:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (25:31):
Yeah.
For sure.
Yeah.
My body is a good one.
Yeah.
Like um I I live in a southernmountain city where brunch is
part of religion.
It is like breathing air.
It is and people get really intoit.
And if you don't havereservations on Sunday, you're
not getting into brunch anywherehere.
Wow.
That's intense.
(25:52):
Yeah.
Okay.
But it's so much fun.
I love it.
SPEAKER_03 (25:54):
Yeah.
I love that.
Well, well done, honoring yourbody.
SPEAKER_02 (26:00):
Don, I really love the your breakdown earlier this
morning when you talked aboutself-energy versus narcissism.
You know, like what thebreakdown of this of the stages
of.
Can you tell our listeners thatonly because I think it really
helps put because as women, weare kind of shamed for having
(26:21):
our our own needs and our owndesires for listening to our
body.
Right, right.
And so, like, I really love theway you broke that down and
explained the difference.
SPEAKER_03 (26:30):
Yeah.
So this is borrowed from LoriGerber.
She is our in-house datingexpert.
She was historically the datingexpert for like MASH.com and
Zeus and JDate and in our12-month healing container, a
different D-Word, she is ourin-house dating consultant that
the women in our program get towork with at the end.
Um, she has been a guest on thepodcast several times.
(26:51):
She is a dear friend.
I'm on menopause love loungewith her, so I got this from
her.
But she describes that um whenyou are in a relationship, and
this could be a friendship, itcould be a family relationship,
it could be with a spouse orpartner, that when you solely
care about the other person'sexperience of the relationship,
(27:12):
and you are not able to consideryour own needs or your own
perspective or your own identityor your own experience of it,
that is codependency.
When you are in a relationshipand you mostly care about the
other person's per perspectiveand you struggle to care about
your perspective, but maybe youconsider it sometimes, that is
people pleasing.
(27:33):
When you are able to be in arelationship with someone,
anyone, and you are able todance between I care about my
experience of the relationshipand yours, mine and yours, mine
and yours, and we can't actuallymultitask.
Our brains actually can't holdmultiple things at once.
We do switch between subjects.
So it is a dance of I thou, Ithou, I thou, which many
(27:55):
historical philosophers andpsychologists have written about
over the years.
But this is not a new concept.
That is the healthy balance weare looking for in relationship,
that I take turns caring aboutmy experience and your
experience in the relationship.
But if you are someone who's inrelationship and you mostly only
care about your experience ofit, and you only sometimes care
(28:16):
about other people's experienceof it, you are selfish.
And if you are in a relationshipand you solely care about your
experience and you don't reallycare about the other person's
experience, that is narcissism.
And so there are a lot of waysto analyze narcissism these
days, or selfishness, orcodependency, or people
pleasing, right?
But I, my body said no thisweekend to something
(28:36):
specifically about the holidaysbecause I am so used to taking
ultimate responsibility for thepeople who are selfish or
narcissistic in relationshipsand don't really give much
credence at all to my experienceof the relationship.
And I'm used to overcompensatingfor them a lot.
And so this weekend, my bodysaid no to having our family
(28:58):
Thanksgiving in the place thatwe've been having it for the
last couple of years becauseit's not enjoyable.
It's awful.
And my body said no, and I allof a sudden mustered up the
courage to tell the person whotypically hosts it that I am
pulling rank.
I didn't say it like that, andrelocating it to our home where
it will be more grounded, warm,inviting, stable, where I can
(29:20):
be, you know, in self-energyrather than having to
disassociate to escape howuncomfortable it is at this
other person's house.
So my body said no, and Ihonored it.
And I made the phone call and Isaid to the person, I'm gonna
make this uncomfortable request,and my heart is gonna race while
I do it, but I'm gonna do itanyways.
So thank you for listening.
And it was received, and it'sfine.
(29:41):
And is there gonna be somediscomfort maybe in the
unfoldment?
And that's the differencebetween old hard and new hard,
right?
So, and this is what I think isreally, really important for
people to understand because oldhard is it's hard, and I go and
I disassociate or I suck it upor I push it down and I power
through.
But I have now disconnected fromself and I've used old trauma
patterns.
(30:01):
New hard is I break the cycleand I feel a little anxious or
uncomfortable doing it, but it'swhile I'm holding space for
those parts of me to feel seen,heard, and understood, and I
make, I forge a literal newsynaptic pathway in my brain for
the new way and build confidencetowards that new way.
So, yes, both ways areuncomfortable, but one keeps us
(30:23):
entrenched in the old traumapatterns and one builds the
scaffolding and theinfrastructure for independence,
autonomy, interdependence,actually, not even independent,
interdependence, right?
Receiving new love, receivingsupport, initiating support for
and with myself, right?
First, and then being able toreceive it from other places.
So yeah, my body said no.
SPEAKER_02 (30:45):
I love it, and and the immediate pushback and shame
and the response, but able tostand in that and stay in self
without going small or withoutretreating and understanding
that that's there.
Their stuff that's not yours.
You don't do anything wrong byrequesting that change of venue,
(31:05):
you know.
Um, I thought I thought that wasa really beautiful breakdown.
SPEAKER_01 (31:09):
And also expect people that you're setting these
boundaries with to not receiveit well.
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (31:14):
This isn't a good idea.
SPEAKER_03 (31:15):
Right.
In this case, yeah, in thiscase, it did go well, but I can
tell you there are other peoplein my life where it would not
have gone that well.
Right.
Um, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (31:23):
And we have some clients that'll text me and say,
Hey, I set that boundary now.
This person is pissed off orthey went off on me.
Well, yes, that is going tohappen.
And that is a hundred percentokay.
SPEAKER_03 (31:32):
Yep.
Yeah.
And that's where we have to holdlots of space for our own
nervous systems and our parts ofself, right?
Our managers, our firefighters,our exiles.
We have to love them well sothat they can um feel that they
are worth that boundary setting.
SPEAKER_02 (31:47):
Right.
And they are safe to feel it.
They are safe to um they're notactually in danger or on fire.
SPEAKER_03 (31:56):
We really are just all sweet, like little girls and
boys running around pretendingto be adults.
Yeah, and healing really is theprocess of integrating all those
young parts, right?
And feeling actually grown.
And it's an incredible relief.
Yeah.
We would love to hear yourversions of my body said no.
(32:19):
And I listened, right?
So send us some examples, sendus a DM with My Body Said No.
Send us your wins, send us yourjoys, send us your
breakthroughs.
Like, let's freaking not justtalk about healing.
Let's heal together.
So take these steps.
Like, right, join us.
Join us in doing the behavior ofhealing because it's more than
just, yeah, hearing and a newyear is coming.
SPEAKER_01 (32:42):
Do you want to be in the same spot a year from now,
or would you rather be someplacemagical, right?
SPEAKER_03 (32:47):
No, 100%.
100%.
Yeah.
So, but it's really, can you letit in, right?
Can you let it in?
Can you do the new hard versusthe old heart?
Yeah.
All right.
We'll see you in th on theThursday premium episode where
we help you get grounded in selfwhen you're in that grocery
store aisle and can't wait forit.
Love you so much.
Peace.com.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Male Room with Dr. Jesse Mills
As Director of The Men’s Clinic at UCLA, Dr. Jesse Mills has spent his career helping men understand their bodies, their hormones, and their health. Now he’s bringing that expertise to The Male Room — a podcast where data-driven medicine meets common sense. Each episode separates fact from hype, science from snake oil, and gives men the tools to live longer, stronger, and happier lives. With candor, humor, and real-world experience from the exam room and the operating room, Dr. Mills breaks down the latest health headlines, dissects trends, and explains what actually works — and what doesn’t. Smart, straightforward, and entertaining, The Male Room is the show that helps men take charge of their health without the jargon.