January 23, 2025 • 16 mins
What happens when a minor car accident on your wedding day introduces you to a sewage-dripping creature that knows nothing about human life?
Content warning for profanity.
Music: "Skinny Food Fighters Blues 85" by Won Jong Hwa from Pixabay
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Coffee (00:06):
Hi, this is Coffee McCann and welcome to episode 40
of Discount Storytime.
Literature's finest dumpsterfire.
Today's story is Sewage MonsterVows Enjoy.
(00:27):
People are entirely toodistracted on their wedding day
to be allowed to drive.
I mean, it's their wedding dayfor crying out loud.
But I had to learn the hard way.
Many years ago I was driving tothe chapel to marry Tina and
tried to remember something Iwas supposed to do before the
(00:48):
ceremony, but my head was in theclouds.
Unfortunately, with my head wayup in the clouds, my foot
wasn't down on the brake and Ihit the car in front of me.
It was a small Honda Civic andlooked worse for wear, but the
new bumper dent didn't help.
I got out to make sure everyonewas okay and to assess the
(01:11):
damage.
You won't believe who or Ishould say what got out of the
Honda Civic.
Imagine a tall brute like sixfoot five and wide as a mountain
.
Now imagine it sweatingprofusely like from every pore,
(01:33):
but instead of sweat, clumpysewage juice dribbled out.
Yep, I just had my firstencounter with the sewage
monster.
I am so sorry I didn't.
I was, I started.
I just had my first encounterwith the sewage monster.
I am so sorry I didn't.
I was.
I started, but the sewagemonster walked right up to me
and cocked its large headsideways.
(01:54):
It stood over me and leanedforward, dripping foul waste off
its chin.
Luckily I wasn't wearing mywedding tuxedo yet.
It said in a squishing,gravelly voice your automobile
impacted my automobile.
(02:14):
Its enormous eyes blinked a lot, probably because of forehead
runoff.
Yes, I'm sorry, it was anaccident.
I said rather lamely.
Today is my wedding day and I'mall nervous and I'm supposed to
be doing something, but I can'tremember what and wasn't paying
attention.
Look, I can give you myinsurance information, but if
(02:38):
it's okay with you, perhaps wecan first see how much.
What is wedding day?
Asked the sewage monster,almost as if it didn't care
about car insurance.
I'm getting married to myfiancée, tina, in a few hours.
The sewage monster rubbed itsdamp chin thoughtfully.
(03:02):
I do not know of these things,for I have always lived in
sewage town, but yesterday Idecided to explore the surface
and learn about surface life andits traditions.
I am curious like that.
(03:25):
Oh, so that's why you bought acar?
Bought a car, it asked.
I noticed the Honda Civic'sdriver's side door was missing,
(03:49):
well more like torn off.
Sewage Monster continued what isa wedding?
I explained to Sewage Monsterabout weddings and marriage and
started describing where babiescome from.
When I heard police sirens,somebody probably used their
fancy car phone to call thepolice and complain about the
traffic jam we were causing.
Sewage Monster sighed afeculent sigh.
(04:10):
I sure wish I could someday seea wedding day.
It sounds lovely.
I probably won't, though.
Humans have been cruel.
You are the only one who hasshown kindness to this poor
(04:33):
sewage monster.
Thank you for not chasing mewith a pitchfork.
It gave me a sad look andturned to leave.
Well, that just about broke myheart.
How can people be so mean?
Someone had to show the sewagemonster that the surface world
(04:57):
could be kind, and that someoneis.
Today I called out hey, sewagemonster, how would you like to
not just see a wedding but be ina wedding?
The sewage monster looked at meand its eyes welled up with
murky tears and grayish clumps.
(05:19):
Do you mean it?
Do you really mean it?
Aww, I couldn't help but smile.
Of course I do.
Come on, my new best friend,time's a-wastin'.
With that, the sewage monsterhopped into my car.
Well, to be accurate, I put asmany towels as I could find on
(05:42):
the passenger seat.
Then the sewage monster hoppedinto my car and then we took off
.
Well, to be accurate, I rolleddown the windows and then we
took off.
Well, to be accurate, I rolleddown the windows and then we
took off.
We made it to the chapel just intime for me to get dressed in
(06:04):
my white tuxedo, but therewasn't a moment to spare.
The guests had arrived andseated, so we meaning myself and
my new best friend, the sewagemonster were cutting it close.
I had to explain the newsituation to Stan, my best man
also.
When Stan saw me, he asked whenhave you been?
(06:26):
The ceremony is startingDelicately, I explained to Stan.
I got held up.
Say, you know how bummed I'vefelt to be stuck with you for a
best man.
Stan flinched and said I do now.
Well, good news, you're not mybest man anymore.
(06:51):
Move over.
Stan was so shocked I thoughthe was going to cry.
He is such a crybaby,especially in public.
You should have heard himblubber throughout his sister's
funeral.
But Stan, stunned, just movedaside and I waved the sewage
monster in to take Stan's place.
There we stood the three musketdeers.
(07:14):
Just in time the organiststarted playing the wedding
march and I saw my bride, tina,the most beautiful woman outside
of those in music videos I hadever seen.
She had styled her curly hairand taken her father's arm.
(07:35):
Tina was so busy trying not totrip on the front of her dress
she didn't look up for a fewsteps.
Then she saw me and smiled.
Well, sort of Well.
She smiled at me at first, butwhen she saw the sewage monster
her face paled.
So much for the blushing bridebecause she looked white as a
(07:59):
ghost.
Tina and her father cautiouslyshuffled up the aisle.
As her father gave her away, hefrowned at me and shook his
head.
Then the minister started WillI get had here?
Have let this haste to.
She was purposefullymouth-breathing.
(08:23):
Well, I thought that was prettyunprofessional and would
definitely factor that into hertip.
Tina and I decided to write ourown vows.
Tina went first and had somebeautiful stuff to say at the
beginning, but then it gotpretty wordy and repetitive.
At one point she was going onand said and coffee, you and me
(08:49):
will make a beautiful eye,boomed the sewage monster and
Tina jumped you and I will blah,blah, blah, not me.
An awkward silence followed.
I tried to ease the situationby taking the sewage monster's
(09:13):
side and said to Tina Sewagemonster is right, I think.
I think you meant to say Iinstead of me.
Pretty sure the sewage monstersaid it's okay, tina, you're
trying, please continue.
Tina glared at me while herthroat made a weird sound.
(09:37):
Then, after a minute, she saidshe was done and it was my
goddamn turn.
That's when I remembered what Iwas supposed to be doing
earlier.
I was supposed to come up withsome wedding vows but I got
distracted by the car accidentwith my new best friend.
Well, isn't that a pickle?
(09:59):
But cleverness prevailed and Isimply said same-sies.
That was close.
Same Zs Whew, that was close.
The ceremony went on asrehearsed, mostly.
When it came time for the rings, I turned to Sewage Monster.
It just stared at me andshifted its weight from side to
(10:21):
side on the growing sludgepuddle.
I whispered the ring, I needthe ring guys.
Stan took the ring out of hispocket and tried handing it to
me, but I pushed it back andwhispered no, handing the ring
to the groom is the job of thebest man, not some low-life
(10:45):
groomsman.
Give it to Sewage Monster first.
Groomsmen.
Give it to Sewage Monster first.
Stan flashed an angry look, butcarefully handed the ring to the
Sewage Monster, who took it,gave it a long look and popped
it in its mouth like apeppermint.
Tina and the wedding guestsgroaned.
I held up my palm no, sewagemonster, I need that.
(11:08):
Give it here.
Sewage monster just stared atme and pretended not to hear.
I repeated myself and sewagemonster looked up like it
couldn't hear me still, but Icould hear it chewing on the
ring.
I wondered how strong its teethwere.
Give it, give it, I said firmlyand put the flat of my palm
(11:35):
under its mouth.
Give now, sewage monster.
It finally gave me areproachful look, bent its head
forward and spit the gooey ringinto my hand.
It's important to reward goodbehavior right away.
So I scratched its dribblingchin, which was much warmer and
(11:59):
stickier than you might think.
Might think.
I turned to Tina to put the ringon her finger, but she just
stared at the goopy ring inhorror.
So I carefully flicked the goopoff before putting it on Tina's
shaking finger.
Boy, she hadn't retched thatmuch since that time.
She got really drunk in college.
(12:21):
Then the rest of the ceremonywas smooth sailing pretty much,
and we kissed and everyone whohadn't left cheered.
And here's the cutest part.
The sewage monster was soovercome with joy.
It rushed right past me andgave Tina a great big squishy
(12:46):
bear hug.
Luckily for us, tina's weddingdress was already pretty old and
used, as it was hergrandmother's.
Finally, tina came up for aircoughing and gagging.
Instead of the traditionalrecessional Tina stormed out
without me, screaming words thatmade parents cover their
(13:07):
children's ears.
Then it was just me, the sewagemonster.
Oh, and Stan.
Stan looked around and saidwell, so much for the honeymoon.
The sewage monster askedhoneymoon, what is honeymoon?
It looked at me with its bigdraining eyes and asked can I
(13:33):
join the honeymoon?
Well, it looked so gosh darncute and hopeful.
How could anyone say no?
Of course you can, tina, and Iwould love to take you with us
on our honeymoon.
And let me tell you, when Tinasaw that I brought Sewage
(13:57):
Monster on our cruise ship, shewas overcome with all sorts of
emotions and to this day shebrings up the Sewage Monster
every time we have an argumentthe end.
Thank you for listening.
(14:17):
I hope you enjoyed SewageMonster Vows.
If you did, please refer it toa friend.
Oh, and the new DiscountStorytime website is up.
It's pretty bare bones and Iplan to keep it that way so that
it's quick and easy to load onmobile devices and all that good
stuff.
(14:37):
So you can go there, you cansee these podcast episodes,
there's a blog if you want toread some of the stories, and
there's also the discount ideas.
So please check it out and ifyou have ideas for it or
suggestions, I would love tohear from you.
And until next time, play nicewith others, be super duper kind
(15:02):
to yourself and, as always,remember to laugh Bye.
Hi, this is Coffee McCann and welcome to episode 40
of Discount Storytime.
Literature's finest dumpsterfire.
Today's story is Sewage MonsterVows Enjoy.
(00:27):
People are entirely toodistracted on their wedding day
to be allowed to drive.
I mean, it's their wedding dayfor crying out loud.
But I had to learn the hard way.
Many years ago I was driving tothe chapel to marry Tina and
tried to remember something Iwas supposed to do before the
(00:48):
ceremony, but my head was in theclouds.
Unfortunately, with my head wayup in the clouds, my foot
wasn't down on the brake and Ihit the car in front of me.
It was a small Honda Civic andlooked worse for wear, but the
new bumper dent didn't help.
I got out to make sure everyonewas okay and to assess the
(01:11):
damage.
You won't believe who or Ishould say what got out of the
Honda Civic.
Imagine a tall brute like sixfoot five and wide as a mountain
.
Now imagine it sweatingprofusely like from every pore,
(01:33):
but instead of sweat, clumpysewage juice dribbled out.
Yep, I just had my firstencounter with the sewage
monster.
I am so sorry I didn't.
I was, I started.
I just had my first encounterwith the sewage monster.
I am so sorry I didn't.
I was.
I started, but the sewagemonster walked right up to me
and cocked its large headsideways.
(01:54):
It stood over me and leanedforward, dripping foul waste off
its chin.
Luckily I wasn't wearing mywedding tuxedo yet.
It said in a squishing,gravelly voice your automobile
impacted my automobile.
(02:14):
Its enormous eyes blinked a lot, probably because of forehead
runoff.
Yes, I'm sorry, it was anaccident.
I said rather lamely.
Today is my wedding day and I'mall nervous and I'm supposed to
be doing something, but I can'tremember what and wasn't paying
attention.
Look, I can give you myinsurance information, but if
(02:38):
it's okay with you, perhaps wecan first see how much.
What is wedding day?
Asked the sewage monster,almost as if it didn't care
about car insurance.
I'm getting married to myfiancée, tina, in a few hours.
The sewage monster rubbed itsdamp chin thoughtfully.
(03:02):
I do not know of these things,for I have always lived in
sewage town, but yesterday Idecided to explore the surface
and learn about surface life andits traditions.
I am curious like that.
(03:25):
Oh, so that's why you bought acar?
Bought a car, it asked.
I noticed the Honda Civic'sdriver's side door was missing,
(03:49):
well more like torn off.
Sewage Monster continued what isa wedding?
I explained to Sewage Monsterabout weddings and marriage and
started describing where babiescome from.
When I heard police sirens,somebody probably used their
fancy car phone to call thepolice and complain about the
traffic jam we were causing.
Sewage Monster sighed afeculent sigh.
(04:10):
I sure wish I could someday seea wedding day.
It sounds lovely.
I probably won't, though.
Humans have been cruel.
You are the only one who hasshown kindness to this poor
(04:33):
sewage monster.
Thank you for not chasing mewith a pitchfork.
It gave me a sad look andturned to leave.
Well, that just about broke myheart.
How can people be so mean?
Someone had to show the sewagemonster that the surface world
(04:57):
could be kind, and that someoneis.
Today I called out hey, sewagemonster, how would you like to
not just see a wedding but be ina wedding?
The sewage monster looked at meand its eyes welled up with
murky tears and grayish clumps.
(05:19):
Do you mean it?
Do you really mean it?
Aww, I couldn't help but smile.
Of course I do.
Come on, my new best friend,time's a-wastin'.
With that, the sewage monsterhopped into my car.
Well, to be accurate, I put asmany towels as I could find on
(05:42):
the passenger seat.
Then the sewage monster hoppedinto my car and then we took off
.
Well, to be accurate, I rolleddown the windows and then we
took off.
Well, to be accurate, I rolleddown the windows and then we
took off.
We made it to the chapel just intime for me to get dressed in
(06:04):
my white tuxedo, but therewasn't a moment to spare.
The guests had arrived andseated, so we meaning myself and
my new best friend, the sewagemonster were cutting it close.
I had to explain the newsituation to Stan, my best man
also.
When Stan saw me, he asked whenhave you been?
(06:26):
The ceremony is startingDelicately, I explained to Stan.
I got held up.
Say, you know how bummed I'vefelt to be stuck with you for a
best man.
Stan flinched and said I do now.
Well, good news, you're not mybest man anymore.
(06:51):
Move over.
Stan was so shocked I thoughthe was going to cry.
He is such a crybaby,especially in public.
You should have heard himblubber throughout his sister's
funeral.
But Stan, stunned, just movedaside and I waved the sewage
monster in to take Stan's place.
There we stood the three musketdeers.
(07:14):
Just in time the organiststarted playing the wedding
march and I saw my bride, tina,the most beautiful woman outside
of those in music videos I hadever seen.
She had styled her curly hairand taken her father's arm.
(07:35):
Tina was so busy trying not totrip on the front of her dress
she didn't look up for a fewsteps.
Then she saw me and smiled.
Well, sort of Well.
She smiled at me at first, butwhen she saw the sewage monster
her face paled.
So much for the blushing bridebecause she looked white as a
(07:59):
ghost.
Tina and her father cautiouslyshuffled up the aisle.
As her father gave her away, hefrowned at me and shook his
head.
Then the minister started WillI get had here?
Have let this haste to.
She was purposefullymouth-breathing.
(08:23):
Well, I thought that was prettyunprofessional and would
definitely factor that into hertip.
Tina and I decided to write ourown vows.
Tina went first and had somebeautiful stuff to say at the
beginning, but then it gotpretty wordy and repetitive.
At one point she was going onand said and coffee, you and me
(08:49):
will make a beautiful eye,boomed the sewage monster and
Tina jumped you and I will blah,blah, blah, not me.
An awkward silence followed.
I tried to ease the situationby taking the sewage monster's
(09:13):
side and said to Tina Sewagemonster is right, I think.
I think you meant to say Iinstead of me.
Pretty sure the sewage monstersaid it's okay, tina, you're
trying, please continue.
Tina glared at me while herthroat made a weird sound.
(09:37):
Then, after a minute, she saidshe was done and it was my
goddamn turn.
That's when I remembered what Iwas supposed to be doing
earlier.
I was supposed to come up withsome wedding vows but I got
distracted by the car accidentwith my new best friend.
Well, isn't that a pickle?
(09:59):
But cleverness prevailed and Isimply said same-sies.
That was close.
Same Zs Whew, that was close.
The ceremony went on asrehearsed, mostly.
When it came time for the rings, I turned to Sewage Monster.
It just stared at me andshifted its weight from side to
(10:21):
side on the growing sludgepuddle.
I whispered the ring, I needthe ring guys.
Stan took the ring out of hispocket and tried handing it to
me, but I pushed it back andwhispered no, handing the ring
to the groom is the job of thebest man, not some low-life
(10:45):
groomsman.
Give it to Sewage Monster first.
Groomsmen.
Give it to Sewage Monster first.
Stan flashed an angry look, butcarefully handed the ring to the
Sewage Monster, who took it,gave it a long look and popped
it in its mouth like apeppermint.
Tina and the wedding guestsgroaned.
I held up my palm no, sewagemonster, I need that.
(11:08):
Give it here.
Sewage monster just stared atme and pretended not to hear.
I repeated myself and sewagemonster looked up like it
couldn't hear me still, but Icould hear it chewing on the
ring.
I wondered how strong its teethwere.
Give it, give it, I said firmlyand put the flat of my palm
(11:35):
under its mouth.
Give now, sewage monster.
It finally gave me areproachful look, bent its head
forward and spit the gooey ringinto my hand.
It's important to reward goodbehavior right away.
So I scratched its dribblingchin, which was much warmer and
(11:59):
stickier than you might think.
Might think.
I turned to Tina to put the ringon her finger, but she just
stared at the goopy ring inhorror.
So I carefully flicked the goopoff before putting it on Tina's
shaking finger.
Boy, she hadn't retched thatmuch since that time.
She got really drunk in college.
(12:21):
Then the rest of the ceremonywas smooth sailing pretty much,
and we kissed and everyone whohadn't left cheered.
And here's the cutest part.
The sewage monster was soovercome with joy.
It rushed right past me andgave Tina a great big squishy
(12:46):
bear hug.
Luckily for us, tina's weddingdress was already pretty old and
used, as it was hergrandmother's.
Finally, tina came up for aircoughing and gagging.
Instead of the traditionalrecessional Tina stormed out
without me, screaming words thatmade parents cover their
(13:07):
children's ears.
Then it was just me, the sewagemonster.
Oh, and Stan.
Stan looked around and saidwell, so much for the honeymoon.
The sewage monster askedhoneymoon, what is honeymoon?
It looked at me with its bigdraining eyes and asked can I
(13:33):
join the honeymoon?
Well, it looked so gosh darncute and hopeful.
How could anyone say no?
Of course you can, tina, and Iwould love to take you with us
on our honeymoon.
And let me tell you, when Tinasaw that I brought Sewage
(13:57):
Monster on our cruise ship, shewas overcome with all sorts of
emotions and to this day shebrings up the Sewage Monster
every time we have an argumentthe end.
Thank you for listening.
(14:17):
I hope you enjoyed SewageMonster Vows.
If you did, please refer it toa friend.
Oh, and the new DiscountStorytime website is up.
It's pretty bare bones and Iplan to keep it that way so that
it's quick and easy to load onmobile devices and all that good
stuff.
(14:37):
So you can go there, you cansee these podcast episodes,
there's a blog if you want toread some of the stories, and
there's also the discount ideas.
So please check it out and ifyou have ideas for it or
suggestions, I would love tohear from you.
And until next time, play nicewith others, be super duper kind
(15:02):
to yourself and, as always,remember to laugh Bye.
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