November 4, 2025 • 23 mins
In this deeply personal Thanksgiving episode, I reflect on the ways that grief and gratitude are intertwined.
This episode is dedicated to my brother Adam on his birthday. Acknowledging Worldwide Bereaved Siblings Month, I share how his death reshaped what gratitude means to me.
Join me to explore how we create meaning after trauma, how you're doing gratitude wrong, and ways to utilize it for better health and happiness.
This episode is an invitation to reflect, not a prescription for how to feel. It’s a compassionate look at how healing, gratitude, and meaning-making can coexist, even when life doesn’t look the way we imagined.
Special thanks to Kyle Dine for permission to use his song The Doghouse for the podcast theme!
www.kyledine.com
Find Dr. Whitehouse:
-thefoodallergypsychologist.com
-Instagram: @thefoodallergypsychologist
-Facebook: Dr. Amanda Whitehouse, Food Allergy Anxiety Psychologist
-welcome@dramandawhitehouse.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Amanda Whitehouse, Ph (00:00):
Gratitude isn't about pretending that
(00:01):
everything's okay.
It is about being able to holdboth the light and the dark and
to still notice what's beautifuleven when it hurts.
Speaker (00:10):
Welcome to the Don't Feed the Fear podcast, where we
dive into the complex world offood allergy anxiety.
I'm your host, Dr.
Amanda Whitehouse, food allergyanxiety psychologist and food
allergy mom.
Whether you're dealing withallergies yourself or supporting
someone who is, join us for anempathetic and informative
journey toward food allergy calmand confidence..
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (00:31):
Hi everyone, and welcome back to
Don't Feed The Fear sinceThanksgiving is right around the
corner.
I wanted to start this monthwith a conversation about
gratitude and some things that Iwant you to know about it that
you might not have heard before.
Because honestly, most of us aredoing gratitude wrong, and I
don't mean that we're notthankful or that we don't
appreciate what we have.
We've heard the research aboutthe positive impact of a
(00:52):
gratitude practice, but the waymost of us are practicing
gratitude, if we are at all.
Often misses the mark when itcomes to what makes it
beneficial for our brains andfor our nervous systems.
So in this episode, I wanna helpyou understand what a helpful
gratitude practice actuallylooks like based on the research
and how you can use it to be amore regulated, resilient
present.
Person or parent in your dailylife with the people that you
(01:14):
love and maybe even find alittle more peace in the middle
of the sometimes chaos thatcomes with allergy life and
everything else complicatedthat's going on in the world
right now, and the other nonallergy related complicated
things that continue to happenin each of our lives.
And I'm going to share a littlebit of that for myself in this
episode to give you some contextfor this conversation.
(01:35):
This episode falls on ameaningful day for me.
It's my brother's birthday.
November is also worldwidebereaved siblings month.
So this conversation aboutgratitude, growth and how we
find meaning in the midst ofhardship feels especially close
to home for me, and is veryrelated to the death of my
brother in 2020.
This episode is dedicated to mybrother Adam.
(01:56):
It's his birthday today as Ipublish it.
He was a photographer and anartist.
If you've ever seen video clipsof me online, you've probably
seen one of my favoritepaintings of his hanging behind
me.
He was also a graphic designerand before he passed he had been
helping me build out a websiteand a lot of other different
things to expand my business.
We never got to finish that worktogether.
(02:16):
So much of what I'm doing nowfrom this podcast and learning
to do all the tech side of itmyself to some other projects
that I have in the works for thefuture are all my way of
finishing what he and I startedtogether, that he's not here
with me to do.
What I'm hoping to do is have avery open and nuanced
conversation with you aboutsomething that I've been
(02:37):
thinking about for a while.
I keep seeing the social mediatrend, what I'd tell you as a
psychologist, if I weren'tafraid to hurt your feelings,
and of course I have a lot ofthoughts, but this is my version
of that with a twist because Iam afraid of hurting your
feelings.
I'm a psychologist.
It's literally my job to helppeople face hard things and have
difficult conversations withoutfeeling attacked or dismissed or
(02:59):
having their feelings hurt bythe person that they're in the
conversation with So like manyof the things I want to share
with you, I just can't seem toboil them down to a social media
post that really gets all thatacross.
Instead of telling you somethingbluntly, I want to explore this
complicated topic with you.
It's an uncomfortable truth.
It's something that I'veexperienced in my own life and
with all of my clients, and Iwant to do it in a way that
(03:20):
feels gentle, curious, andsupportive.
I want you to feel invited intothis reflection that I'm
offering, not confronted by it.
And so with that spirit andmindset, this Thanksgiving
episode is not about forcedgratitude or pretending to be
thankful for the hard things,and it's certainly not about i
gnoring or pushing away yourdifficult feelings.
(03:43):
It is about looking honestly atwhat grows around those hard
things.
The compassion, the connection,and the perspective that can
slowly take root over time.
I'm still learning this too,falling in and out of helpful
habits around this.
I'm already tearing up as I'mtrying to get through what I
want to talk about today, and soplease know that this is a
really vulnerable thing for meto share and it's very honest
(04:05):
and genuine from me a bout oneof the worst things that I've
experienced that's actually beenreally helpful for me in
understanding gratitude andshifting my awareness and my
perspective of our allergy life.
So for years.
My one wish, my singular focusinto which I poured almost all
of my time and energy and moneywas that my son would outgrow
(04:28):
his food allergies.
Eventually, that wish evolvedinto a new one that he would
complete.
Oral immunotherapy, reach,maintenance, and have the layer
of protection that would let usall breathe easier, even if he
didn't ever want to eat hisallergens on a regular basis.
Really what I wanted was not formy son to be able to eat
peanuts, tree nuts sesames andthe other things he's allergic
to, but I wanted him to be safeand unfortunately, the year that
(04:53):
that wish came true, I had toface the reality that my brother
was dying.
It was his last Christmas and weall knew it.
He had been ill with cancer andwasn't responding to his
treatments.
My son and I talked about how mylongtime wish was coming true
and how that year I would changethat wish if I could.
(05:14):
During that holiday season whenmy brother was sick, we were
given this rare, heartbreaking,but also extraordinary gift of
awareness.
We knew that our time wasprobably growing short together.
We suspected that that might beour last Christmas, our last
Thanksgiving, and so weexperienced that last holiday
season together with so muchintention.
We took so many pictures, wegave so many more hugs.
(05:35):
We had conversations that mostfamilies never get the.
Chance of the courage to have.
My brother was so graciousthrough it all.
And his ability to speak soopenly with us about it is
really what created this shiftfor me.
He let my kids ask him everyquestion about dying and if he
was afraid, and what he thoughtwas gonna happen afterward, and
somehow, instead of scaringthem, that really soothed their
(05:56):
fears about death.
Even while he was facing hisown, I cannot imagine a more
beautiful gift that anyone couldgive my children than that
turning his own death into anact of love, compassion, and
emotional safety for them.
We traveled quite a distance tothe allergist that my son
completed immunotherapy with.
About a four hour drive each wayfrom Buffalo.
(06:18):
And so given the circumstancesin the family and my brother's
passing, we ended up travelingfor his 24 peanut challenge
going down, traveling fartheraway to where my brother lived
for his memorial service, andthen coming back for my son's
peanut butter challenge, whichwas eating a Reese.
For his dose to make sure thathe could tolerate the peanut in
(06:38):
the peanut butter form.
As you can imagine, he had beenso excited about that.
That was the thing that we all,as a family, had been planning
on going together to all eat aReese Cup with him to celebrate
his success, to have thisdelicious candy that he had been
waiting so long to be able totry, which of course he didn't
like.
There are no words to explainwhat a collision of emotions
(07:00):
this time in my life was.
The joy and the grief, therelief, and the safety and peace
with my son, coupled with theloss and the heartbreak of my
brother's death, and watching myfamily members be impacted by
that loss and.
That completely changed how Iunderstand gratitude.
Gratitude doesn't mean I shouldbe thankful because someone else
(07:23):
has it worse, or I should bethankful because this worse
thing could be happening to methat's not, right.
Now, it's not about comparisonor putting things on a scale and
balancing it.
This one is worse than that one,and that tips the scales in this
direction.
I think of it as zooming out,stepping back far enough to see
that your life.
Your pain, your love, yourgratitude, all of those things
(07:45):
coexist.
And unfortunately, sometimes itdoes take really difficult life
experiences to learn that.
I hope most of you don't have tohave an experience or a loss
like mine to find this out.
If you're in that place rightnow, i want you to know that you
can be exhausted and grateful.
You can be afraid and behopeful.
You can grieve what you've lostand celebrate what you still
have, and that's what realgratitude looks like.
(08:09):
After Halloween this year, myson who has food allergies
sorted through his candy and hehad far less than his brothers.
Once he got his safe candy setaside, this has never really
bothered him much, but this yearparticularly, he didn't even
blink.
He hugged me and he said, itcan't be a coincidence that I
was born with my allergies andyou ended up as my mom.
(08:31):
And that moment really stoppedme.
He was.
Expressing his awareness of howmuch I've learned, how hard I've
worked to learn to keep himsafe, and awareness of the job
that lies ahead for him as wetransition the responsibility
and the independence to him ashe gets older.
He was acknowledging how deeplywe're connected in this shared
journey that I've been on withhim, and that led us to a bigger
(08:53):
conversation about what webelieve about why things happen.
Please do not think I'm sayingthis is an, everything happens
for a reason, philosophy, orconversation, but I wanna invite
you to explore what meaning ofyour experiences feels authentic
for you.
In our family, we've come to seehis allergies as one part of a
(09:13):
much bigger story, one thatincludes its share of
heartbreaks, really scary andtraumatic moments, so many
blessings.
If that perspective feels out ofreach right now, that's okay,
and maybe it will shift someday.
Maybe it won't.
I'm not saying you should see itthat way.
I, I'm only sharing this to showyou that it's possible.
I also wanna share with you whatthe research says about it,
(09:34):
because we know that this kindof meaning making is a big part
of what can heal trauma.
The in trauma psychology, this,this concept called the meaning
making model, which tells usthat when an event deeply
challenges our beliefs aboutourselves or the world.
So, for example, you mightbelieve that life should be fair
or that you're protected as longas a, B and C are in place.
(09:57):
Or I can trust this, I can trustthe food system, I can trust,
the laws to help protect me withmy food allergies.
When that is challenged andsomething proves that that is
not the case.
It's very distressing for usthat.
Leads us to engage in a processof meaning making.
We ask, why is this happening?
(10:18):
How does this fit into my lifestory and into my picture of who
I am and what my life is.
Over time, we either adjust themeaning of the event or we shift
our broader beliefs to moreglobal or overarching picture so
that the event makes sense.
Our perspective of life growsand becomes more integrated the
(10:41):
more life experiences we have.
So what that means for us is myson's allergy, our journey, the
care and the traveling, and allof the treatments that we've
done and everything in between.
They didn't just happen to us.
We've been asking what does thismean about who we are?
What does this showing us aboutwhat we stand for and what we
believe?
What do we want our story toinclude?
(11:04):
That doesn't mean that we canrewrite and eliminate the parts
that we don't like, and thatdoesn't mean that we're
rewriting it into somethingthat's only positive.
I'm not asking you to believethat your allergy or your
child's allergy has to be for areason.
I'm simply saying considerexploring what meaning you might
make out of it In addition tothe difficult parts.
(11:25):
Are there important pieces ofgrowth?
Of value, of identity shifting,of connection?
Research suggests that thatmeaningful reflection, not
forced positivity, can supportour healing and our resilience.
So once again, I want toemphasize, I'm not telling you
how you should feel, but I'msharing with you how I feel, why
(11:48):
research tells us that it worksand to consider how you might
feel when you're ready or intime.
That perspective took shape forme.
Through grief, My brother'sillness and loss changed how I
see everything.
Gratitude, love, parenting,relationships, death.
And what matters the most?
This is a tricky topic because alot of us who have food
(12:10):
allergies, a lot of us whomanage chronic illnesses,
Whatever our challenges are,whether they're our own or
whether they're our children'sthat we're trying to manage.
When people tell us that weshould feel grateful, it feels
so dismissive.
It feels extremely invalidating,and gratitude should never be
used to dismiss someone else'spain.
Gratitude for healing, has tocome from within, not be imposed
(12:33):
upon you by someone else.
So we know people might, mean,well, they might be trying to
comfort you.
They're probably uncomfortablewith your pain or your anxiety
or stress, but that phrase shutsdown the very real fear, grief,
exhaustion, confusion,everything that comes with
managing food allergies And manyfamilies I know are navigating
so much more than foodallergies, parents with their
(12:54):
own chronic or terminalillnesses, kids with complex
medical needs of which theallergies are the least of their
concerns, or very low on thetotem pole of their concerns, or
many other layers of trauma andloss.
And what I've learned frommyself, from those people and
from reading about how thisworks, is that there are ways
that we can make an effort to begrateful, effective if it comes
(13:16):
from within.
That's what I want you to takeaway from this episode.
The research on gratitudepractices show that a gratitude
practice that includesreflection, imagery, and
emotional connection has ameasurable effect on you.
Physiologically, not just howyou feel emotionally, but on
important factors of wellness,like your heart rate
(13:37):
variability, which is a keyindicator of vagal tone and
stress resilience, greateractivation in brain regions that
are associated with empathy andemotional regulation, and a
whole host of other things.
An effective gratitude.
Practice is not, making a listin particular, forcing yourself
to make a list of things youshould be grateful for.
The research is very clear thatsurface level gratitude lists
(13:59):
don't change our mood, ourmindset, our physiology, our
brains are wired for survival.
So if you are living withchronic stress, whether that's
food, allergies, other reasonsto worry about safety, worrying
about providing for your familyaccessibility of safe food or
just trying to hold it alltogether for whatever reason you
are facing, your body is tunedto scan for threat writing down.
(14:23):
I'm thankful for.
My kids, the dinner that we hadtonight that I have a job,
doesn't convince your nervoussystem that you're safe.
What works is when you slow downenough to feel the gratitude in
your body.
Let your nervous system registerthat in that moment you are
okay.
Let your nervous systemacknowledge that there will be
(14:43):
more moments of okayness in thefuture.
That's when the gratitude shiftsyour physiology.
It activates yourparasympathetic nervous system.
It calms your stress responseand it helps you regulate.
So if you have ever felt likeyour gratitude practice isn't
working, it's probably becauseit was only happening in your
head, it not your body.
So let's talk about 10 signsthat you're doing your gratitude
(15:06):
practice wrong, and how you canshift it.
I already mentioned number one,you list the same three things
every day.
If your gratitude list looksidentical every time your brain
is checked out, this is a chore.
It's a routine and not apractice.
Number two, you say what?
You should be grateful for thatbad S word.
Should therapists often say thisline, you're shoulding all over
(15:26):
yourself, because it really doesfeel a lot like the other s.
H word.
You should be grateful.
When we are struggling, hurting,or grieving, we can't be shamed
or guilted into feeling gratefulinstead.
And it isn't just for mothers.
We do this to ourselves too.
Most of us know that we have somuch to be grateful for, but
guilting and shaming ourselvesinto trying to feel that instead
(15:48):
of the difficult emotionsbecomes a weapon against us and
makes us feel even worse.
cause then we're invalidatingour own feelings.
Then we end up adding to ourto-do list, making a list of
three things we're grateful for.
But practicing this in a waythat creates more pressure.
When gratitude feels like anobligation, it activates guilt
instead of calm.
Number three, you're statingthings.
(16:10):
Not feeling them at all.
So gratitude is a body-basedexperience.
If it's just mental or justcognitive, it won't shift your
nervous system.
After naming something on yourlist, pause and see if you can
feel even a little bit ofwarmth, relief or ease in your
body.
Number four, you use gratitudeto suppress uncomfortable
emotions.
(16:30):
If you jump to at least whensomething hurts, you're
bypassing something, So allowspace for both.
Not, I'm sad that this happened,but at least I still have my
job.
Shift those words to, I'm sadthat this happened and I'm
grateful for the support or theresources that I have.
Number five, you're comparingyour gratitude to others.
(16:52):
Comparison is the thief of joy.
If you feel like your gratitudeisn't big enough, you're missing
the point.
Gratitude is personal.
This is about your life.
Tiny things count things thatother people wouldn't appreciate
or like or want, but that aremeaningful to you.
They train your system to noticesafety and beauty in the small
moments.
Number six.
(17:12):
I see this a lot.
You only practice when thingsare good.
If gratitude disappears andstress, it's not integrated yet,
and that's okay.
But if you find it easy to feelgrateful when life is going
well, and then especiallydifficult when things are hard,
that's when your nervous systemneeds the reminder of safety the
most.
So it doesn't mean you're notdoing it right.
Go ahead and give up.
(17:33):
It means keep working on it.
Keep trying to cultivate thefeelings of gratitude, not just
go through the motions.
Number seven.
If you think gratitude meansbeing happy all the time, you're
off track.
It's not about constantpositivity, it's about presence.
So gratitude is saying even inthis, something good still
(17:54):
exists, even in this hardmoment.
I also still have things thatare good.
Number eight, you're rushingthrough it.
It's not just that you're doing1, 2, 3 things that I'm thankful
for without really feeling them,but you are just trying to get
through it as quickly as you canwithout having the time to
register the benefit.
It doesn't have to take a longtime, but we do need to slow
(18:15):
down.
So even just one mindful breathwith genuine appreciation and a
brief scan of the somatic or thebody symptoms that you're
experiencing.
When you think about the thingthat you listed that can do more
than a list of 10 things thatyou didn't actually feel.
Number nine, you feel worseafterward.
So if your gratitude practiceleaves you feeling ashamed,
(18:37):
invalidated, it's probablytangled up with self-criticism.
So again, we wanna shift fromfeeling how I should be grateful
or anyone else would be gratefulto.
I'm learning to notice gratitudeeven when it's hard.
I'm working on cultivating moregratitude, even though it's not
coming naturally for me.
Okay.
And number 10, you've lostcuriosity.
(19:00):
When gratitude falls flat, it'sa sign to refresh your approach.
So here's how you can implementthis in a way that actually
works and will benefit you.
Number one, be specific.
Instead of saying, I'm gratefulfor my family, try really
specific things that areconnected to moments that you
can re-experience.
Like I'm grateful for the way myson laughed so hard at dinner
(19:20):
tonight.
That milk came out of his nose.
try changing the questioninstead of, what am I grateful
for?
Ask something more specific.
I asked you to give specificanswers, so ask specific
questions.
What brought me comfort today?
What felt peaceful today?
Number two, pair it with thesensations from that moment.
After identifying something thatyou're grateful for, pause
(19:43):
before you go onto the next itemon the list or before you go
onto your next task for the day.
And notice how your body feels.
Tune in to the way maybe yourchest softens your shoulders.
Drop your smile naturally formson your face.
Any of the signals in your bodythat tell your nervous system,
I'm safe right now because whenwe actually experience
(20:05):
something, rather than justverbally identifying it, it
gives our body the same nervoussystem signals that we would
receive when we were actuallyliving in that moment.
And number three, just savorthat.
Let it last for a few seconds.
Give your brain time to encodethat positive emotion into your
long-term memory.
Give your nervous system asecond to shift into that safety
(20:26):
that you just signal for it, andthat's how you turn gratitude
from a thought into a practice.
Something that rewires yourbrain toward resilience.
Instead of just checking a boxon a list and then getting
frustrated and wondering whyit's not working.
For me, Thanksgiving is notabout being thankful for
everything.
It's about recognizing whatcontinues to grow, so this
season, if gratitude feels hard,try doing it differently.
(20:50):
Gratitude means awareness, notpositivity.
Let your gratitude be embodied.
Let it live in your nervoussystem, not just in your
journal.
Feel it, savor it.
Let it be honest, even if it'scomplicated.
And if you're finding your waythrough something really heavy
right now, I'm sending you somuch warmth and compassion
because Gratitude isn't a curefor pain.
It's a companion for it.
(21:11):
As we wrap up for today, hereare three action steps to
support you through the start ofthe busy holiday season.
Number one, build a gratitudepractice that redefines
gratitude as awareness, notpositivity.
Embodiment and consistencymatter more than length, so keep
it simple.
Be present.
Pause to name what youappreciate specifically and how
(21:33):
it engages your senses and helpsyour nervous system register
safety.
Number two, you could revisitthe episode I did last year
before the holidays.
It's episode nine and it'scalled a Safe Seat at the Table.
It's been one of my mostlistened to episodes, and people
continue to ask this all thetime In that episode, I break
down how to think throughdecisions about holiday
celebrations given what familymembers and events might hold,
(21:56):
and specific to your allergiesor your child's allergies and
what is needed.
To make a decision that feelslike a good option, not the
right option.
And number three, check outepisode 1 32 of the Itch podcast
that came out in October.
Courtney and Dr.
Gupta had me on their show totalk about setting boundaries
around holiday gatherings andevents.
(22:17):
I do have that episode comingup.
I'm going to be reposting ithere on the show, but I don't
have it out yet.
So if you wanna listen to thatnow, that is easy to find on the
Itch podcast, episode 1 32.
If this episode resonated, Iwould be so thankful if you
would share it with somebody whomight need to hear that their
feelings and their gratitude cancoexist.
(22:37):
And most of all, I want you allto know that I'm grateful for
you listening and spending yourtime with me here on the Don't
Feed The Fear Podcast.
I'm so appreciative to beconnected to such a supportive
community, and I really wish allthe best for you.
So to those in the US here withme, happy Thanksgiving to those
in Canada.
I know I have a lot of youlistening who already celebrated
in October.
Happy belated Thanksgiving toyou and to everyone else all
(22:59):
around the world.
I can't believe you're listeninghere to my little podcast coming
out of Buffalo, New York.
So even though you may not becelebrating this holiday, know
that I'm thankful for you too.
the content of this podcast isfor informational and
educational purposes only, andis not a substitute for
professional medical or mentalhealth advice, diagnosis, or
treatment.
If you have any questions aboutyour own medical experience or
(23:20):
mental health needs, pleaseconsult a professional.
I'm Dr.
Amanda Whitehouse.
Thanks for joining me.
And until we chat again,remember don't feed the fear.
Gratitude isn't about pretending that
(00:01):
everything's okay.
It is about being able to holdboth the light and the dark and
to still notice what's beautifuleven when it hurts.
Speaker (00:10):
Welcome to the Don't Feed the Fear podcast, where we
dive into the complex world offood allergy anxiety.
I'm your host, Dr.
Amanda Whitehouse, food allergyanxiety psychologist and food
allergy mom.
Whether you're dealing withallergies yourself or supporting
someone who is, join us for anempathetic and informative
journey toward food allergy calmand confidence..
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (00:31):
Hi everyone, and welcome back to
Don't Feed The Fear sinceThanksgiving is right around the
corner.
I wanted to start this monthwith a conversation about
gratitude and some things that Iwant you to know about it that
you might not have heard before.
Because honestly, most of us aredoing gratitude wrong, and I
don't mean that we're notthankful or that we don't
appreciate what we have.
We've heard the research aboutthe positive impact of a
(00:52):
gratitude practice, but the waymost of us are practicing
gratitude, if we are at all.
Often misses the mark when itcomes to what makes it
beneficial for our brains andfor our nervous systems.
So in this episode, I wanna helpyou understand what a helpful
gratitude practice actuallylooks like based on the research
and how you can use it to be amore regulated, resilient
present.
Person or parent in your dailylife with the people that you
(01:14):
love and maybe even find alittle more peace in the middle
of the sometimes chaos thatcomes with allergy life and
everything else complicatedthat's going on in the world
right now, and the other nonallergy related complicated
things that continue to happenin each of our lives.
And I'm going to share a littlebit of that for myself in this
episode to give you some contextfor this conversation.
(01:35):
This episode falls on ameaningful day for me.
It's my brother's birthday.
November is also worldwidebereaved siblings month.
So this conversation aboutgratitude, growth and how we
find meaning in the midst ofhardship feels especially close
to home for me, and is veryrelated to the death of my
brother in 2020.
This episode is dedicated to mybrother Adam.
(01:56):
It's his birthday today as Ipublish it.
He was a photographer and anartist.
If you've ever seen video clipsof me online, you've probably
seen one of my favoritepaintings of his hanging behind
me.
He was also a graphic designerand before he passed he had been
helping me build out a websiteand a lot of other different
things to expand my business.
We never got to finish that worktogether.
(02:16):
So much of what I'm doing nowfrom this podcast and learning
to do all the tech side of itmyself to some other projects
that I have in the works for thefuture are all my way of
finishing what he and I startedtogether, that he's not here
with me to do.
What I'm hoping to do is have avery open and nuanced
conversation with you aboutsomething that I've been
(02:37):
thinking about for a while.
I keep seeing the social mediatrend, what I'd tell you as a
psychologist, if I weren'tafraid to hurt your feelings,
and of course I have a lot ofthoughts, but this is my version
of that with a twist because Iam afraid of hurting your
feelings.
I'm a psychologist.
It's literally my job to helppeople face hard things and have
difficult conversations withoutfeeling attacked or dismissed or
(02:59):
having their feelings hurt bythe person that they're in the
conversation with So like manyof the things I want to share
with you, I just can't seem toboil them down to a social media
post that really gets all thatacross.
Instead of telling you somethingbluntly, I want to explore this
complicated topic with you.
It's an uncomfortable truth.
It's something that I'veexperienced in my own life and
with all of my clients, and Iwant to do it in a way that
(03:20):
feels gentle, curious, andsupportive.
I want you to feel invited intothis reflection that I'm
offering, not confronted by it.
And so with that spirit andmindset, this Thanksgiving
episode is not about forcedgratitude or pretending to be
thankful for the hard things,and it's certainly not about i
gnoring or pushing away yourdifficult feelings.
(03:43):
It is about looking honestly atwhat grows around those hard
things.
The compassion, the connection,and the perspective that can
slowly take root over time.
I'm still learning this too,falling in and out of helpful
habits around this.
I'm already tearing up as I'mtrying to get through what I
want to talk about today, and soplease know that this is a
really vulnerable thing for meto share and it's very honest
(04:05):
and genuine from me a bout oneof the worst things that I've
experienced that's actually beenreally helpful for me in
understanding gratitude andshifting my awareness and my
perspective of our allergy life.
So for years.
My one wish, my singular focusinto which I poured almost all
of my time and energy and moneywas that my son would outgrow
(04:28):
his food allergies.
Eventually, that wish evolvedinto a new one that he would
complete.
Oral immunotherapy, reach,maintenance, and have the layer
of protection that would let usall breathe easier, even if he
didn't ever want to eat hisallergens on a regular basis.
Really what I wanted was not formy son to be able to eat
peanuts, tree nuts sesames andthe other things he's allergic
to, but I wanted him to be safeand unfortunately, the year that
(04:53):
that wish came true, I had toface the reality that my brother
was dying.
It was his last Christmas and weall knew it.
He had been ill with cancer andwasn't responding to his
treatments.
My son and I talked about how mylongtime wish was coming true
and how that year I would changethat wish if I could.
(05:14):
During that holiday season whenmy brother was sick, we were
given this rare, heartbreaking,but also extraordinary gift of
awareness.
We knew that our time wasprobably growing short together.
We suspected that that might beour last Christmas, our last
Thanksgiving, and so weexperienced that last holiday
season together with so muchintention.
We took so many pictures, wegave so many more hugs.
(05:35):
We had conversations that mostfamilies never get the.
Chance of the courage to have.
My brother was so graciousthrough it all.
And his ability to speak soopenly with us about it is
really what created this shiftfor me.
He let my kids ask him everyquestion about dying and if he
was afraid, and what he thoughtwas gonna happen afterward, and
somehow, instead of scaringthem, that really soothed their
(05:56):
fears about death.
Even while he was facing hisown, I cannot imagine a more
beautiful gift that anyone couldgive my children than that
turning his own death into anact of love, compassion, and
emotional safety for them.
We traveled quite a distance tothe allergist that my son
completed immunotherapy with.
About a four hour drive each wayfrom Buffalo.
(06:18):
And so given the circumstancesin the family and my brother's
passing, we ended up travelingfor his 24 peanut challenge
going down, traveling fartheraway to where my brother lived
for his memorial service, andthen coming back for my son's
peanut butter challenge, whichwas eating a Reese.
For his dose to make sure thathe could tolerate the peanut in
(06:38):
the peanut butter form.
As you can imagine, he had beenso excited about that.
That was the thing that we all,as a family, had been planning
on going together to all eat aReese Cup with him to celebrate
his success, to have thisdelicious candy that he had been
waiting so long to be able totry, which of course he didn't
like.
There are no words to explainwhat a collision of emotions
(07:00):
this time in my life was.
The joy and the grief, therelief, and the safety and peace
with my son, coupled with theloss and the heartbreak of my
brother's death, and watching myfamily members be impacted by
that loss and.
That completely changed how Iunderstand gratitude.
Gratitude doesn't mean I shouldbe thankful because someone else
(07:23):
has it worse, or I should bethankful because this worse
thing could be happening to methat's not, right.
Now, it's not about comparisonor putting things on a scale and
balancing it.
This one is worse than that one,and that tips the scales in this
direction.
I think of it as zooming out,stepping back far enough to see
that your life.
Your pain, your love, yourgratitude, all of those things
(07:45):
coexist.
And unfortunately, sometimes itdoes take really difficult life
experiences to learn that.
I hope most of you don't have tohave an experience or a loss
like mine to find this out.
If you're in that place rightnow, i want you to know that you
can be exhausted and grateful.
You can be afraid and behopeful.
You can grieve what you've lostand celebrate what you still
have, and that's what realgratitude looks like.
(08:09):
After Halloween this year, myson who has food allergies
sorted through his candy and hehad far less than his brothers.
Once he got his safe candy setaside, this has never really
bothered him much, but this yearparticularly, he didn't even
blink.
He hugged me and he said, itcan't be a coincidence that I
was born with my allergies andyou ended up as my mom.
(08:31):
And that moment really stoppedme.
He was.
Expressing his awareness of howmuch I've learned, how hard I've
worked to learn to keep himsafe, and awareness of the job
that lies ahead for him as wetransition the responsibility
and the independence to him ashe gets older.
He was acknowledging how deeplywe're connected in this shared
journey that I've been on withhim, and that led us to a bigger
(08:53):
conversation about what webelieve about why things happen.
Please do not think I'm sayingthis is an, everything happens
for a reason, philosophy, orconversation, but I wanna invite
you to explore what meaning ofyour experiences feels authentic
for you.
In our family, we've come to seehis allergies as one part of a
(09:13):
much bigger story, one thatincludes its share of
heartbreaks, really scary andtraumatic moments, so many
blessings.
If that perspective feels out ofreach right now, that's okay,
and maybe it will shift someday.
Maybe it won't.
I'm not saying you should see itthat way.
I, I'm only sharing this to showyou that it's possible.
I also wanna share with you whatthe research says about it,
(09:34):
because we know that this kindof meaning making is a big part
of what can heal trauma.
The in trauma psychology, this,this concept called the meaning
making model, which tells usthat when an event deeply
challenges our beliefs aboutourselves or the world.
So, for example, you mightbelieve that life should be fair
or that you're protected as longas a, B and C are in place.
(09:57):
Or I can trust this, I can trustthe food system, I can trust,
the laws to help protect me withmy food allergies.
When that is challenged andsomething proves that that is
not the case.
It's very distressing for usthat.
Leads us to engage in a processof meaning making.
We ask, why is this happening?
(10:18):
How does this fit into my lifestory and into my picture of who
I am and what my life is.
Over time, we either adjust themeaning of the event or we shift
our broader beliefs to moreglobal or overarching picture so
that the event makes sense.
Our perspective of life growsand becomes more integrated the
(10:41):
more life experiences we have.
So what that means for us is myson's allergy, our journey, the
care and the traveling, and allof the treatments that we've
done and everything in between.
They didn't just happen to us.
We've been asking what does thismean about who we are?
What does this showing us aboutwhat we stand for and what we
believe?
What do we want our story toinclude?
(11:04):
That doesn't mean that we canrewrite and eliminate the parts
that we don't like, and thatdoesn't mean that we're
rewriting it into somethingthat's only positive.
I'm not asking you to believethat your allergy or your
child's allergy has to be for areason.
I'm simply saying considerexploring what meaning you might
make out of it In addition tothe difficult parts.
(11:25):
Are there important pieces ofgrowth?
Of value, of identity shifting,of connection?
Research suggests that thatmeaningful reflection, not
forced positivity, can supportour healing and our resilience.
So once again, I want toemphasize, I'm not telling you
how you should feel, but I'msharing with you how I feel, why
(11:48):
research tells us that it worksand to consider how you might
feel when you're ready or intime.
That perspective took shape forme.
Through grief, My brother'sillness and loss changed how I
see everything.
Gratitude, love, parenting,relationships, death.
And what matters the most?
This is a tricky topic because alot of us who have food
(12:10):
allergies, a lot of us whomanage chronic illnesses,
Whatever our challenges are,whether they're our own or
whether they're our children'sthat we're trying to manage.
When people tell us that weshould feel grateful, it feels
so dismissive.
It feels extremely invalidating,and gratitude should never be
used to dismiss someone else'spain.
Gratitude for healing, has tocome from within, not be imposed
(12:33):
upon you by someone else.
So we know people might, mean,well, they might be trying to
comfort you.
They're probably uncomfortablewith your pain or your anxiety
or stress, but that phrase shutsdown the very real fear, grief,
exhaustion, confusion,everything that comes with
managing food allergies And manyfamilies I know are navigating
so much more than foodallergies, parents with their
(12:54):
own chronic or terminalillnesses, kids with complex
medical needs of which theallergies are the least of their
concerns, or very low on thetotem pole of their concerns, or
many other layers of trauma andloss.
And what I've learned frommyself, from those people and
from reading about how thisworks, is that there are ways
that we can make an effort to begrateful, effective if it comes
(13:16):
from within.
That's what I want you to takeaway from this episode.
The research on gratitudepractices show that a gratitude
practice that includesreflection, imagery, and
emotional connection has ameasurable effect on you.
Physiologically, not just howyou feel emotionally, but on
important factors of wellness,like your heart rate
(13:37):
variability, which is a keyindicator of vagal tone and
stress resilience, greateractivation in brain regions that
are associated with empathy andemotional regulation, and a
whole host of other things.
An effective gratitude.
Practice is not, making a listin particular, forcing yourself
to make a list of things youshould be grateful for.
The research is very clear thatsurface level gratitude lists
(13:59):
don't change our mood, ourmindset, our physiology, our
brains are wired for survival.
So if you are living withchronic stress, whether that's
food, allergies, other reasonsto worry about safety, worrying
about providing for your familyaccessibility of safe food or
just trying to hold it alltogether for whatever reason you
are facing, your body is tunedto scan for threat writing down.
(14:23):
I'm thankful for.
My kids, the dinner that we hadtonight that I have a job,
doesn't convince your nervoussystem that you're safe.
What works is when you slow downenough to feel the gratitude in
your body.
Let your nervous system registerthat in that moment you are
okay.
Let your nervous systemacknowledge that there will be
(14:43):
more moments of okayness in thefuture.
That's when the gratitude shiftsyour physiology.
It activates yourparasympathetic nervous system.
It calms your stress responseand it helps you regulate.
So if you have ever felt likeyour gratitude practice isn't
working, it's probably becauseit was only happening in your
head, it not your body.
So let's talk about 10 signsthat you're doing your gratitude
(15:06):
practice wrong, and how you canshift it.
I already mentioned number one,you list the same three things
every day.
If your gratitude list looksidentical every time your brain
is checked out, this is a chore.
It's a routine and not apractice.
Number two, you say what?
You should be grateful for thatbad S word.
Should therapists often say thisline, you're shoulding all over
(15:26):
yourself, because it really doesfeel a lot like the other s.
H word.
You should be grateful.
When we are struggling, hurting,or grieving, we can't be shamed
or guilted into feeling gratefulinstead.
And it isn't just for mothers.
We do this to ourselves too.
Most of us know that we have somuch to be grateful for, but
guilting and shaming ourselvesinto trying to feel that instead
(15:48):
of the difficult emotionsbecomes a weapon against us and
makes us feel even worse.
cause then we're invalidatingour own feelings.
Then we end up adding to ourto-do list, making a list of
three things we're grateful for.
But practicing this in a waythat creates more pressure.
When gratitude feels like anobligation, it activates guilt
instead of calm.
Number three, you're statingthings.
(16:10):
Not feeling them at all.
So gratitude is a body-basedexperience.
If it's just mental or justcognitive, it won't shift your
nervous system.
After naming something on yourlist, pause and see if you can
feel even a little bit ofwarmth, relief or ease in your
body.
Number four, you use gratitudeto suppress uncomfortable
emotions.
(16:30):
If you jump to at least whensomething hurts, you're
bypassing something, So allowspace for both.
Not, I'm sad that this happened,but at least I still have my
job.
Shift those words to, I'm sadthat this happened and I'm
grateful for the support or theresources that I have.
Number five, you're comparingyour gratitude to others.
(16:52):
Comparison is the thief of joy.
If you feel like your gratitudeisn't big enough, you're missing
the point.
Gratitude is personal.
This is about your life.
Tiny things count things thatother people wouldn't appreciate
or like or want, but that aremeaningful to you.
They train your system to noticesafety and beauty in the small
moments.
Number six.
(17:12):
I see this a lot.
You only practice when thingsare good.
If gratitude disappears andstress, it's not integrated yet,
and that's okay.
But if you find it easy to feelgrateful when life is going
well, and then especiallydifficult when things are hard,
that's when your nervous systemneeds the reminder of safety the
most.
So it doesn't mean you're notdoing it right.
Go ahead and give up.
(17:33):
It means keep working on it.
Keep trying to cultivate thefeelings of gratitude, not just
go through the motions.
Number seven.
If you think gratitude meansbeing happy all the time, you're
off track.
It's not about constantpositivity, it's about presence.
So gratitude is saying even inthis, something good still
(17:54):
exists, even in this hardmoment.
I also still have things thatare good.
Number eight, you're rushingthrough it.
It's not just that you're doing1, 2, 3 things that I'm thankful
for without really feeling them,but you are just trying to get
through it as quickly as you canwithout having the time to
register the benefit.
It doesn't have to take a longtime, but we do need to slow
(18:15):
down.
So even just one mindful breathwith genuine appreciation and a
brief scan of the somatic or thebody symptoms that you're
experiencing.
When you think about the thingthat you listed that can do more
than a list of 10 things thatyou didn't actually feel.
Number nine, you feel worseafterward.
So if your gratitude practiceleaves you feeling ashamed,
(18:37):
invalidated, it's probablytangled up with self-criticism.
So again, we wanna shift fromfeeling how I should be grateful
or anyone else would be gratefulto.
I'm learning to notice gratitudeeven when it's hard.
I'm working on cultivating moregratitude, even though it's not
coming naturally for me.
Okay.
And number 10, you've lostcuriosity.
(19:00):
When gratitude falls flat, it'sa sign to refresh your approach.
So here's how you can implementthis in a way that actually
works and will benefit you.
Number one, be specific.
Instead of saying, I'm gratefulfor my family, try really
specific things that areconnected to moments that you
can re-experience.
Like I'm grateful for the way myson laughed so hard at dinner
(19:20):
tonight.
That milk came out of his nose.
try changing the questioninstead of, what am I grateful
for?
Ask something more specific.
I asked you to give specificanswers, so ask specific
questions.
What brought me comfort today?
What felt peaceful today?
Number two, pair it with thesensations from that moment.
After identifying something thatyou're grateful for, pause
(19:43):
before you go onto the next itemon the list or before you go
onto your next task for the day.
And notice how your body feels.
Tune in to the way maybe yourchest softens your shoulders.
Drop your smile naturally formson your face.
Any of the signals in your bodythat tell your nervous system,
I'm safe right now because whenwe actually experience
(20:05):
something, rather than justverbally identifying it, it
gives our body the same nervoussystem signals that we would
receive when we were actuallyliving in that moment.
And number three, just savorthat.
Let it last for a few seconds.
Give your brain time to encodethat positive emotion into your
long-term memory.
Give your nervous system asecond to shift into that safety
(20:26):
that you just signal for it, andthat's how you turn gratitude
from a thought into a practice.
Something that rewires yourbrain toward resilience.
Instead of just checking a boxon a list and then getting
frustrated and wondering whyit's not working.
For me, Thanksgiving is notabout being thankful for
everything.
It's about recognizing whatcontinues to grow, so this
season, if gratitude feels hard,try doing it differently.
(20:50):
Gratitude means awareness, notpositivity.
Let your gratitude be embodied.
Let it live in your nervoussystem, not just in your
journal.
Feel it, savor it.
Let it be honest, even if it'scomplicated.
And if you're finding your waythrough something really heavy
right now, I'm sending you somuch warmth and compassion
because Gratitude isn't a curefor pain.
It's a companion for it.
(21:11):
As we wrap up for today, hereare three action steps to
support you through the start ofthe busy holiday season.
Number one, build a gratitudepractice that redefines
gratitude as awareness, notpositivity.
Embodiment and consistencymatter more than length, so keep
it simple.
Be present.
Pause to name what youappreciate specifically and how
(21:33):
it engages your senses and helpsyour nervous system register
safety.
Number two, you could revisitthe episode I did last year
before the holidays.
It's episode nine and it'scalled a Safe Seat at the Table.
It's been one of my mostlistened to episodes, and people
continue to ask this all thetime In that episode, I break
down how to think throughdecisions about holiday
celebrations given what familymembers and events might hold,
(21:56):
and specific to your allergiesor your child's allergies and
what is needed.
To make a decision that feelslike a good option, not the
right option.
And number three, check outepisode 1 32 of the Itch podcast
that came out in October.
Courtney and Dr.
Gupta had me on their show totalk about setting boundaries
around holiday gatherings andevents.
(22:17):
I do have that episode comingup.
I'm going to be reposting ithere on the show, but I don't
have it out yet.
So if you wanna listen to thatnow, that is easy to find on the
Itch podcast, episode 1 32.
If this episode resonated, Iwould be so thankful if you
would share it with somebody whomight need to hear that their
feelings and their gratitude cancoexist.
(22:37):
And most of all, I want you allto know that I'm grateful for
you listening and spending yourtime with me here on the Don't
Feed The Fear Podcast.
I'm so appreciative to beconnected to such a supportive
community, and I really wish allthe best for you.
So to those in the US here withme, happy Thanksgiving to those
in Canada.
I know I have a lot of youlistening who already celebrated
in October.
Happy belated Thanksgiving toyou and to everyone else all
(22:59):
around the world.
I can't believe you're listeninghere to my little podcast coming
out of Buffalo, New York.
So even though you may not becelebrating this holiday, know
that I'm thankful for you too.
the content of this podcast isfor informational and
educational purposes only, andis not a substitute for
professional medical or mentalhealth advice, diagnosis, or
treatment.
If you have any questions aboutyour own medical experience or
(23:20):
mental health needs, pleaseconsult a professional.
I'm Dr.
Amanda Whitehouse.
Thanks for joining me.
And until we chat again,remember don't feed the fear.
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