December 9, 2025 • 42 mins
In this special crossover episode, Dr. Whitehouse shares a recent guest appearance on The Itch Podcast (episode 132), where she joined hosts Dr. Payel Gupta and Kortney Kwong Hing for an open and compassionate conversation about navigating difficult family interactions during the holiday season. Together, they unpack how to set and maintain boundaries, communicate effectively, and stay grounded in the face of emotional triggers, expectations, and family histories.
This episode offers both validation and practical strategies for anyone who finds the holidays to be more complex than joyful. It’s about protecting your peace, holding compassion for yourself and others, and remembering that it’s okay to celebrate the season in a way that honors your emotional wellbeing.
Find The Itch wherever you get your podcasts:
https://www.itchpodcast.com/
@theitchpodcast
Special thanks to Kyle Dine for permission to use his song The Doghouse for the podcast theme!
www.kyledine.com
Find Dr. Whitehouse:
-thefoodallergypsychologist.com
-Instagram: @thefoodallergypsychologist
-Facebook: Dr. Amanda Whitehouse, Food Allergy Anxiety Psychologist
-welcome@dramandawhitehouse.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
This week on.
Don't Feed The Fear.
I'm sharing something a littlebit different with you.
I had the absolute pleasure ofbeing a guest on The Itch
podcast and I loved getting toknow their lovely hosts.
Our conversation really was sotimely.
All three of us felt that it wasso important.
For our community this time ofyear, We talked about one of the
most common, and honestly one ofthe hardest things that comes up
this time of year for foodallergy families navigating
(00:22):
tricky family dynamics duringthe holidays, from communication
breakdowns to boundary settings,misunderstandings, and to the
ways our nervous systems reactunder stress.
I try to lay it all out in a waythat can be helpful and
actionable for you in order tonavigate the holidays in a way
that's a little bit moreenjoyable.
So if you've ever left a familygathering, feeling emotionally
(00:43):
drained or unsure of how toexpress what you really need or
are asking of your family, and Iknow that's almost all of you,
this episode will speak to you.
Thank you so much again toKortney and Dr.
Gupta.
For having me on the show.
Speaker (00:57):
Welcome to the Don't Feed the Fear podcast, where we
dive into the complex world offood allergy anxiety.
I'm your host, Dr.
Amanda Whitehouse, food allergyanxiety psychologist and food
allergy mom.
Whether you're dealing withallergies yourself or supporting
someone who is, join us for anempathetic and informative
journey toward food allergy calmand confidence..
Kortney Kwong Hing (01:18):
We are joined by a fellow Podcaster
today.
We have Dr.
Amanda Whitehouse with us, and Iwill let her do the
introduction.
So, Dr.
Whitehouse, welcome to the Itchpodcast.
We'd love to know a little bitabout you, your background, and
obviously what podcast you have.
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (01:34):
Thank you so much for having me.
I've been listening to the twoof you for a while and I'm so
excited to be here to chat withyou.
My podcast is called Don't Feedthe Fear, and what I focus on is
the social emotional aspects offood allergy and allergic
disease management.
So I'm a food allergy mom.
I'm a licensed psychologist, andwithout ever intending to, we
just obviously are drawn to whatwe're dealing with in our lives,
(01:55):
and so my specialty has moved inthat direction.
As I dealt with our ownstressors at home and then
learned how to support myclients and my families as they
found their way to my officewith similar concerns,
Payel Gupta, MD (02:05):
a mom with a mission.
Those are our favorite people tointerview.
Thank you so much for shiftingyour energy that way and helping
so many families.
So today's topic is reallynavigating family issues related
to children with food allergies,and the theme of the episode is
really communication andboundaries.
So I think you are definitelythe perfect person to have that
(02:28):
conversation with.
So our first question is, whatkinds of family issues do you
see come up most often in yourpractice when it comes to food
allergies and social emotionalissues?
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (02:41):
I see a lot of, in any relationship,
whether it's between parents.
Between parents and child,parents and extended family.
The root of the issue beingpeople having a different coping
style and approaching a problemfrom a different perspective
expecting the other person toapproach the problem in the way
that they would be the mostcomfortable approaching the
problem.
So that's a really generalizedway to say it because obviously
(03:02):
it gets very specific to foodallergies.
But really I try to teach peoplehow it boils down to our
attachment styles and ournervous system functioning.
And most of those people thenkind of sort into people who.
Are approaching a problem morefrom an attack mode.
Let's solve this problem.
Let's identify all the aspectsand take care of it.
And then people who areapproaching it or avoiding it
(03:24):
more from a, we don't need tomake a big deal about this.
Let's not go overboard.
This is maybe too much.
And obviously either of thoseextremes isn't good.
So the solution in a generalizedway is finding a balance and a
back and forth between.
Those two extremes.
But from my perspective, that'swhat I see at the root of almost
all of those challenges that weface.
Payel Gupta, MD (03:44):
My next question would be, how do you
know what your style is?
How do you know as a personwhere you're coming from?
And then number two, how do youthen interplay that with the
style of somebody else?
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (03:58):
We are very focused on what we want
other people to do, how I wantthe teacher to handle this
situation, how I want myextended family to treat the
allergy when we arrive forThanksgiving dinner.
But the root of it is what yousaid, understanding how do I
operate, understanding my child,how do they tend to operate?
What are their patterns?
You know, people thinkattachment is what's my
relationship with my mom and dadlike, but really it explains our
(04:21):
general coping style in life.
If you think about the termfight or flight that most people
are really familiar with.
Those two things.
Fight meaning to fight back, toapproach a problem and attack
it, and flight meaning to runaway or to avoid.
If you think of how you dealwith most problems in your life,
it's helpful to put it out ofthe context of food allergy
(04:42):
because that's so triggering andso escalating for us.
And just think about how youapproach other things so I can
use myself.
As an example, I was a personwho in grad school or when I was
getting my education orapproaching my future and my
career, I put all my assignmentsin my calendar right away.
I made a chart of when I neededto start, which assignments and
how much time they would take,and I gathered all my resources,
(05:04):
and that's how I approachchallenges in my life.
So I really have an upfront,what we would call a fight.
Approach to most stressors.
I wanna have control over thesituation.
I wanna exert as much influenceover every aspect of this as I
can.
And for most situations that Ifound myself in, just given my
life, that worked for me.
(05:24):
So when it came time to become aparent, I read all the books, I
listened to podcasts, I thoughtI had this great education,
right?
It was gonna prepare me.
I've got this under control.
I know all the things that Ineed to know, or I know how to
find the information.
That's my coping style as anapproach.
Attack, fight back.
I'm gonna take control of thisproblem and this is
oversimplified.
It's not just these two, butneither is of these extremes is
(05:46):
ideal if we don't have awell-rounded approach.
And I learned that very quicklywhen I became a food allergy
Mom.
And I didn't know about foodallergies.
I didn't know how to approachit.
I didn't understand foodlabeling and how it all works.
And so.
My approach, I gotta figure thisout.
I've gotta attack it.
What's wrong with me?
Why don't I know all thisinformation?
I should have predicted thisbecame problematic it can be
(06:06):
helpful.
But I didn't have as many skillsto take a step back from a
problem.
The other extreme of that wouldbe someone who can recognize
that they tend to respond toproblems in their lives by
saying, you know what, I'll waitand see what happens, and when
the time comes, I will figureout a plan.
At that point in time, it'llprobably be okay, or I feel well
(06:27):
resourced enough to manage thiswhen the time comes.
I trust other people.
I don't have to have controlover this maybe.
Those people might have a littlebit more of a difficult time
working with difficult emotionsand facing them, versus someone
who has my style, who's like, Ican handle the stress.
I've got this.
I'll just tough through thestress.
People who have more of an avoidapproach tend to not want to
(06:48):
talk about that, not to wannaprocess their feelings out loud
with someone or with theirpartner.
If they're having a tough timeto say, well, let's talk through
it.
Let's understand how you'refeeling and why.
So we can come up with asolution that might be less of
a, a preferred skill.
For them.
So again, you can see how eitherside of that really isn't
helpful and we need to be ableto, shift back and forth between
those and use that balance ofapproaches.
Payel Gupta, MD (07:10):
So once you figure out who you are and you
try to look at your familymembers and see where they are,
then what's the next step?
In figuring out how to deal withthe different levels of concern
or vigilance about thatparticular food allergy.
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (07:32):
The annoying answer that nobody ever
wants to hear this, but reallythere's a lot more inner
self-focused work in going intothose interactions.
So before we're even ready toapproach the family members or
have a discussion aboutsomething.
But once we know what ourpatterns are and what we tend to
do more, the key is learning to.
Understand your own nervoussystem and how it's functioning
(07:52):
and recognizing the signs ofwhen my nervous system is
triggered or escalated.
If I know that I can take thatinto whatever interaction or
conversation or request, I'mapproaching with a family member
and know the signs of when I amregulated.
I am feeling comfortable in thisconversation versus.
They just said something thatreally set me off and now I'm
(08:13):
panicky.
I'm angry.
My heart is racing, my breathingis changing.
The pace of my speech is pickingup because I'm activated and I'm
upset about this conversation.
It really is important to havethese good interactions with
people, but the foundation of itis me being able to stay
regulated and then to know whenI'm not, and then take a beat,
find a way, or have a plan aheadof time where if this doesn't
(08:34):
go.
Productively.
Here's the step that I'm goingto take to pause and then
regroup before we continue thisnegotiation or this
conversation.
Kortney Kwong Hing (08:43):
Do you think it's also worth knowing the
person that you're going to havethe interaction with?
Do you think it's worth knowingtheir way of coping?
Maybe you don't have arelationship where you can be
like, so what kind of person areyou?
But just to prepare, like ifyou're gonna meet someone who
you know has the exact oppositestyle that you can know.
Oh, I'm gonna look out for thisand this because if this
(09:04):
happens, then I know I'm notgonna get through to them at
all, and it's best to just stop,take a pause, because I can see
that they're not gonna come atme in a nice way.
Amanda Whitehouse, (09:14):
Absolutely.
I think that's one of the mostimportant things, and that's
what happens when we take thetime to learn how this works.
It's information that we allknow already, but we're not
practiced at applying it in ourinteractions with other people.
So once you get comfortableidentifying this, yes.
If it's someone you know wellalready, if it's your parents,
you are listening to thisconversation, most of us can go,
oh yeah, I know this is how momdoes it.
(09:36):
This is how dad does it.
And when they get upset.
This is what they do every time.
You know, dad leaves the room,mom starts to talk faster, you
know, whatever it might be,you'll be familiar with those
people, but even when it'ssomeone you don't know well, you
start to be able to pick up onthis faster and faster.
Sometimes people take that interms of a manipulative
approach, and that's not whatI'm suggesting.
(09:56):
It's just when you'reinteracting with someone, if
they are not regulated, if youcan tell that this is not going
in a direction that can beproductive, it's a respectful
thing to do to.
Change gears in whatever way isnecessary.
So you get better and better atpicking up on this in people and
then shifting and stayingregulated.
And there's this reallyimportant concept in this world
of nervous system regulationthat we talk about called
(10:18):
co-regulation.
We all understand this too.
I hold my baby against my chestand I rock, and I speak
soothingly.
The baby calms and we areconnected.
Our nervous systems areconnected, and that doesn't only
apply to our babies, and itdoesn't end when our babies
aren't being held and rocked onour chests anymore.
If I'm in an interaction withsomeone and they become
(10:38):
dysregulated, but I can staycalm and I can acknowledge
what's happening with them, if Ican stay regulated and do things
that will help them.
To reregulate with me becauseI'm calm and because I
understand how this works, thenwe might be able to continue
moving forward and obviouslyavoid some of those hurt
feelings that happen and maybenot take it personally because
we can understand that it's notcoming from just the requests
(11:00):
that I'm making about my childand their food allergies.
It's a bigger issue that's arooted in things that everyone
doesn't have this education andunderstanding about in terms of
how they're responding to us,let alone then the allergy
content specifically that theymight not.
Understand.
Kortney Kwong Hing (11:15):
Yeah, I think that makes a lot of sense.
But you've used this wordregulate a lot and I just wanna
have a little bit more claritybefore I could say that totally
makes sense.
So when you're talking aboutregulated, what exactly do you
mean
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (11:26):
by that?
That's a great point.
I talk about this all the time,so I appreciate you making sure
that I bring it back to thebasics about this.
Again, most of us are familiarwith that term fight or flight.
We understand that it means whenI am afraid or when I'm upset,
this is how I respond.
What that is rooted to is ourbodies nervous systems and our
protective mechanisms within ourbodies that are telling us when
(11:47):
we think there's danger and howto protect ourselves or get to
safety.
So obviously most of us ashumans are no longer being
chased by wild animals.
We're not in danger in the waythat we used to be.
Evolutionarily speaking on aday-to-day basis.
But this is still how our body'salarm system works and telling
us something's wrong orsomething is not okay.
When we are regulated, we'refeeling safe.
(12:09):
Basically, when we aredysregulated, our body is
telling us we're unsafe.
This is not okay.
I need to get to safety.
It sounds extreme because I'mhaving a conversation.
With my mom about theThanksgiving Turkey, I know I'm
safe.
My logical brain realizes I'msafe.
But for those of us who livewith allergies or are allergy
(12:29):
parents, we can very quickly goor are already living all the
time in what's genuinely notsafe, right?
Which is us or our child havinga really dangerous reaction.
So it helps to understand that'struly what's happening is your
body is reacting as.
If you are being attacked inthat moment when we are
dysregulated, and if you thinkof it in that way, if you think
about if you were under attack.
(12:50):
What would happen in your body?
We don't think about it in theseterms all the time, but we know
what that means.
Our heart starts racing.
Our breathing gets shallow andrapid.
We get sweaty, we get shaky.
We get kind of a narrow focuswhere we have trouble taking the
whole picture in and we hunkerdown on this one point that
we're trying to make, or thisone piece that we want to be
understood.
All of those changes in the bodyare very physiological and once
(13:13):
they take place.
They don't stop and they don'tallow us to participate in a
conversation in a way that,again, is, is productive and
regulated.
We are then approaching theperson that we're talking to as
if they're the opponent.
They're the attacker, they'rethe aggressor, and we need to
either fight back or defendourselves from them.
It all sounds very dramatic, butit truly isn't because all of us
(13:35):
can feel how strong thatreaction is in the body and how
it takes over, and then laterwe'll go.
Oh my gosh, I got so worked upor I can't believe I raised my
voice or, or they yelled andthen I yelled back.
All of these things that we knowwe, we wouldn't typically do.
We don't interact in those waysuntil we get triggered or
dysregulated.
So I guess I explaineddysregulated more than
regulated, you know, which wasyour question, but that helps
(13:58):
us.
Connect with the other side ofit.
When we're regulated, we'refeeling safe, we're comfortable,
we feel that people arelistening to us.
We can access our logicalthinking and our rational
brains.
And then when we get shiftedinto fight or flight mode,
literally the blood flow to thatarea of the brain is restricted
and we don't have access to thattype of thinking anymore until
we return to safety as definedby our nervous systems.
Payel Gupta, MD (14:22):
So helpful.
And so when you're firststarting these conversations
with family and friends, so yousaid, number one, make sure that
you know where you are and makesure that you're in a good place
to have a conversation thatparticular day or moment before
you get started on theconversation.
But what are the things that youthink are really important for
(14:44):
families to communicate topeople that are taking care of
their children?
We'll have a role in making surethat they are keeping them safe.
Amanda Whitehouse, P (14:54):
Definitely whatever your individual
situation is, is going todetermine that, right?
In terms of what your history ofreactions is and the severity
and your allergens and the ageof your child, as far as the
specifics.
But what we need to communicateto them is a boundary, and I
think we have misunderstandingsabout what boundary setting
means.
(15:14):
If I have a toddler who's goingto be running around the house
with 35 extended family membersand there's trail mix on the
table and he's allergic to nutsand everyone's touching it and
touching all the surfaces, I canmake a decision about that not
feeling safe for my child basedon our individual situation.
Communicating that boundary tomy family.
It does not mean I expect youall to adhere to this boundary.
(15:38):
The boundary is I'm drawing acircle in the sand.
Here is the circle within whichme and my child or our family
feel safe and can interact withyou and have a wonderful holiday
and chit chat and enjoy yourcompany and for us to feel
comfortable and have a great daytogether.
If those people are willing tojoin you within that circle,
wherever that line has beendrawn, then that is their
(16:01):
decision.
People think that a boundarymeans I can force them or
convince them or make themcomply with what we need.
Unfortunately, we all know fromexperience that that's not the
case..
So really setting andcommunicating that boundary,
whatever it is for youspecifically, is about you
stating what it is, making itreally clear, and then knowing,
again, I'm gonna stay regulated,I'm going to be prepared for
(16:25):
what might happen.
What we're going to do if peoplecan't adhere to this boundary,
obviously it's great if it canbe communicated in advance.
If you express this to family,Hey, we just got this diagnosis.
He's really little.
This is new for us.
We're learning our way and we'reconcerned about this, this, and
that.
So if we cannot have these foodsin this way.
On that holiday, that would begreat.
(16:47):
Does that work for everybody?
And if people say, yes,wonderful.
Well, we won't do this.
Can I make this in this way?
Then you have it all sorted outahead of time.
That's ideal.
That's all that we're reallyasking for.
As allergy moms, sometimes itdoesn't feel like people get it,
but then what happens if youshow up in the trail mix is on
the coffee table in front of theTV with an arm's reach of my
child.
(17:08):
Now is when the boundary getstested and there's not a right
or a wrong way to respond tothat.
But again, it's about me makinga decision of what I feel safe
doing.
So a lot of us might just have aconversation with them.
We might say, you know, wetalked about this before.
I'm not sure where the mix upwas.
What are we going to do?
And then again.
Now, where's my boundary?
(17:28):
After I've communicated and hadthis conversation, if people are
getting, you know, aggressive,like we've mentioned, some
people are like, no, I'm notgonna do that.
It's Christmas.
I have to have a bowl of nutsout.
It's a tradition to have theNutcracker and all of those
things.
Then that gives us a reallyclear understanding of who
isn't, isn't going to respectour boundaries.
Then we have to make a decisionaccordingly.
It's a difficult topic.
(17:49):
It's emotionally challenging forus.
It also is usually really clearto us, especially maybe more so
as allergy parents.
I think individuals who areolder teens or adults with
allergies have a harder timewhen it's me drawing and holding
that line.
But when it's a mom and it's mytoddler.
Sorry.
It's easy for me to hold thatboundary and we can't be here
for you for this holiday,?
(18:09):
And unfortunately, sometimes itdoes come to that.
Either we have to leave, we canonly stay to say hello, whatever
behavior you need to do inresponse that holds and respects
that boundary.
But again, ultimately I am theone.
Who is maintaining the boundarythat I have set, not everybody
that I have expressed it to.
Does that make sense?
Payel Gupta, MD (18:26):
Absolutely.
And we've talked about this withteenagers.
It's figuring out what makes youfeel safe, and then if you're
not in a safe situation, you canremove yourself from that
situation.
So again, it's more aboutfiguring out what it is that you
need and then respecting that.
And making sure that if you'renot getting that, that you can
(18:49):
get away from that situationquickly.
So I think that, again, it doesbecome very complicated when
family's involved, when alsoit's maybe the other person that
you're in partnership with theirfamily that maybe.
Not wanting to be in that circlewith you.
That also makes it challenging,and then that leads to a
downward spiral within thefamily dynamic.
(19:10):
So I do think that all of thesethings can become very
challenging, and that's why it'simportant to talk about
different tools and skills thatwe can use to help.
People cope with everything thatthey already have to deal with
as a food allergy parent, butthis then just gets added into
the mix.
But Courtney, I'm sure you havecomments on that too.
Kortney Kwong Hing (19:29):
Oh my goodness.
Do I have experiences?
I think one thing I heard yousay, which was really
interesting is like to removeyourself from a dangerous
situation, like if the nuts showup.
But I would also say for mepersonally, it's where you can
feel the.
Dysregulation starting to happenand like the nasty side of you
(19:49):
starting to come up becauseyou're just like, this is my
life.
I feel like everyone is like mysafety, my life, and you're just
not understanding me.
When that starts to come up,that's another time I have to
say.
Remove yourself because you'rejust gonna make this whole
situation way worse.
And no one's gonna sympathizewith you, and no one's gonna
actually wanna like join you inyour circle, your boundary
(20:12):
circle.
They're gonna wanna stay outsidebecause they only see this as a
fight, and you are fighting themand they're gonna fight you, and
they're not gonna meet youhalfway.
So I just wanted to reiteratethe fact for me, it's not just
like is an allergen present, butis an emotional something,
something coming up that I needto step away from.
And I've learned that now muchbetter.
(20:32):
I've been able to just actuallyleave the room, like, which
means really rude, but I'm like,look, if I don't leave this
room, it's gonna get reallynasty, really fast.
And I don't like to be nasty, solet me just go.
But then what Dr.
G also said was thispartnership, right?
And you know, I am now anallergy adult with a husband and
we have to communicate myallergies with his parents, but
(20:55):
I can only imagine what it'slike.
To have a child that you'relooking after and to make sure
that the parents are on the samepage.
So I would love to ask you aquestion about like, how do you
make sure that you and yourpartner are on the same page?
Because I know for me and myhusband, it's like, if this
happens, I need you to back me.
Right?
I know they're your parents andthere's always that weird
(21:16):
dynamic between parents, but I'myour wife and you need to help
me stay safe, and I need to beon my side because I can't be
against everyone in this room.
I need a partner in this andyou're my partner.
And we've communicated that andhe knows kind of my tells.
I think he knows what I'mstarting to dysregulate faster
than I do at this point.
(21:37):
But how do you work with apartner?
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (21:39):
Yeah, and you make such a great point.
It goes back to thatco-regulation.
You have this close relationshipwith your partner.
He might be able to identify,and this goes for, couples
raising kids or when the adultsare the ones with the allergies.
They're not dysregulated.
If they know you well, you'rereally closely connected.
They understand your tells andthey might even.
Start to feel a little bit ofyour anxiety as it gets bigger.
And that's going to be a reallyimportant skill and a great way
(22:01):
that you can support each otheris by them recognizing it.
And those are things we can havespecific conversations about
with each other.
Right?
When we're regulated.
Again, let's talk about whathappened the last time we talked
about this with your parents andwhat do you notice?
And me, and when you see medoing that, I might not be able
to acknowledge it, but that'slike you said, this is when I
need you to step in.
And I think that the other sideof it is what you said, what can
(22:23):
give us.
Compassion for the other peoplein this situation because
they're only seeing us in attackmode.
And if that's what they see,that's naturally going to put
other people into that mode too.
And it may not to us feel likeit is as important, but So for
example, Kortney with yourhusband, I mean his
relationship.
I know you know this, but hisrelationship with his parents is
really important to him as is myrelationship with my child,
(22:46):
right?
So if he sees you in attack modeand then he's dysregulated, or
his parents are responding in,in attack mode, back at you,
here's all the people that Ilove the most going head to head
or feeling reallyconfrontational.
What he wants in order for himto feel safe and okay again, is
for the conflict.
To stop probably, and he mightnot see it as I need to tell
(23:07):
them that this is what Kortneyneeds in order to feel okay,
because then that might feellike a threat or a challenge to
his relationship with hisparents.
And so when we know that thepeople we're interacting with
are also in this.
Mindset, this state now of, ofattack mode or I'm, I'm fighting
back or feeling defensive.
It might not happen in themoment, but later we can go home
(23:27):
and we can kind of process andthink through.
They were just as upset as Iwas.
I said things in a way or withwords that I might not usually
use.
So did they, and maybe theydon't have this awareness and
education that I have about howthis works, so maybe I can find
some forgiveness, you know, forthem about the way that they're
handling this and regroup abouthow we might approach it.
(23:47):
So for parents raising a childtogether and approaching this, I
think that's an important thingin terms of.
As a couple, how do I handlethis?
How do you tend to handle it andhow can we find, it doesn't have
to be the middle ground.
Sometimes it is a hard line oneway or the other way.
Sometimes we just need to avoid,we are walking away, we're not
going, sometimes it isabsolutely, you know, you matter
(24:10):
in my life and I'm going toapproach this problem.
I'm, I'm not giving up thisconversation with you, mom.
I wanna be able to spendChristmas with you.
It's really important to me.
Obviously I'm not attacking her,but I am approaching this
problem in a way that's problemsolving.
And then so backing each otherup.
If it's the in-laws, obviouslyhaving that plan going into it,
having an understanding, I keepturning it inward on us, and I
(24:33):
don't mean to make it sound likeit's our fault, but obviously
it's our responsibility.
I think one thing for couplesthat they often get into is.
Is the boundary that I'm tryingto set coming from a regulated,
safe, calm, logicalunderstanding of what I need, or
is the actual request that Iwanna make coming from me being
dysregulated and upset oroffended.
(24:54):
So if I am marching into afamily gathering and I'm telling
my spouse, we are telling themthere are absolutely no nuts.
They must clean out thecupboards.
There can be no nuts in thishome because I am so afraid and
panicky about what could happen.
That's not a boundary that'scoming from a regulated state,
right?
That might not be exactly whatmy child needs to be safe.
(25:15):
We can help each other torealize that if we can have
these conversations between eachother, and again, find some
middle ground and not always bein an extreme.
But know when the extremes arenecessary and helpful too.
Payel Gupta, MD (25:26):
So what I'm hearing you say is really
communication and communicatingbefore you get into situations
and troubleshooting what all ofthese different scenarios could
look like and where maybe you inpartnership, if you have a
partnership, where your hardlines are, where your boundaries
are, and establishing thosebefore you get into the
(25:47):
situation.
Again, you can't plan for everysingle situation, and that's the
other.
Key problem in life in general,you just cannot plan for every
single scenario.
So communication beforehand,knowing your boundaries, trying
to stick to those boundaries inpartnership, and then making
sure you're regulated.
But what are some other thingsthat you can do in the moment?
(26:11):
Some other tools or tricks thatyou have that you would
recommend for families goinginto these situations as the
holidays really are approaching?
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (26:20):
I think one of the most important things
that gets overlooked, and wehave to be really mindful of the
way that we do this, but asparents, I think sometimes we
forget to include our kids inthe conversation.
I don't mean include the kids inthe heated conversation with all
of the in-laws or on the grouptext that's getting nasty, but I
mean, how do you feel?
I have seen and worked with alot of families where they were.
(26:40):
Really not seeing this eye toeye when they were talking to,
you know, the in-laws or theadults.
But when mom told grandpa, youknow, Johnny told me he doesn't
wanna hug you on Christmasbecause he knows that you eat
those nuts and you do use theNutcracker and have your walnuts
every Christmas.
It really makes him feeluncomfortable and not putting
blame on the child, not puttingresponsibility on the child for
(27:03):
communicating it, but helpingpeople to understand how they're
actually.
Impacting the person with theallergy that we're talking
about, particularly when it's achild and we live in a society
that kind of doesn't treat kidslike they're whole people with
feelings and experiences.
I think that that's a reallypowerful and important part of
it.
So that would look like,obviously having a very calm.
(27:24):
Conversation with the child inadvance, allowing them to
express themselves, being reallygood listeners and validating
their feelings about it.
And then depending on what theysay and what's appropriate with
their permission, inserting thatinto the conversation about what
they would really prefer.
A lot of times kids have reallygood solutions to these problems
too, that we don't think toinclude them.
'cause we're.
Heated up about it and maybethey're not as stressed as we
(27:47):
are and they can help us solvethe problem.
And then in the moment whenwe're communicating that, you
know, you said like when it'sactually happening, what can we
do?
I think if you get good atrecognizing what's going on,
knowing what regulates people,so what regulates me, what
regulates my partner, whatregulates these people that I'm
talking to?
And the number one thing isbringing it back to, we all want
(28:08):
the same thing here.
I know all of us really want tohave a wonderful Christmas.
I realize it's important to allof us to include as many of our
traditions as we can safely, butI know that the most important
thing to all of us is keeping mychild safe or keeping you safe
as the person with the allergy.
When we do that, that takes usfrom sitting across the table.
(28:28):
Feeling like adversaries toreminding everyone in the
conversation, we are all on thesame page.
We might not all agree on how toget to where we wanna go, but we
all want the same thing.
And the most important thing isthe safety of this person we're
trying to protect.
Kortney Kwong Hing (28:41):
I really love that you say include the
child because it is a familydecision really.
Like what boundaries we set.
I know from my own personalexperience, some of the
boundaries that were set I feltwere too much too strong or made
me feel uncomfortable because Ididn't want everyone to change
just because of me.
And that's something that I amlearning from friends happens at
(29:03):
a certain age.
You know, when kids start to geta little bit older in the tween
years, this is just fromanecdotes, but they don't want
their food allergies to dictateas much and they're okay with.
Stepping back themselves orsaying, I want everyone to have
this experience.
It's not every kid.
Some kids don't want that, butI'm just saying that by having
that conversation, you might besurprised what makes your child
(29:25):
feel uncomfortable and whatmakes'em feel okay.
And you might be surprised howmuch they're okay with.
Sometimes we want to really putour kid in a bubble as much as
possible, but they just wannalive as free as possible.
And I try still in my midthirties, I feel like.
What's really interesting iswhen you define the two
different coping styles at thebeginning, I have one.
(29:49):
I live with in my everyday life,and when it comes to food
allergies, I manage everythingdifferently.
It's very interesting and nowI'm starting as I'm working on
this to bring them together andkind of find more balance.
But when it comes to foodallergies, I am a freeze person.
I am a flight person.
I just shut down completely.
And in real life, I'm very vocalabout everything I want, and I'm
(30:13):
very planned.
And it's kind of surprisingsometimes I just go completely
inwards.
I don't really know where I'mcoming with this, but it's just
interesting to communicate withyour child because.
Their coping skills, at leastfrom my experience, might be
completely different becausethey're compartmentalizing their
lives and I've very clearlycompartmentalized how I deal
with normal life and how I dealwith food allergy life.
(30:33):
And I just wonder, is thatsomething you see in families?
Do they have different littleunits that they're living with
emotionally?
Amanda Whitehouse, (30:39):
Absolutely.
I, I'm so glad that you'resharing that from your
perspective and describing thenhow that has carried forward
it's normal for you to have thatdifferent response because
obviously the danger, the threatof food allergy is a different
level than my homeworkassignment for this paper or my
job or this deadline.
It isn't uncommon.
And if the people in your lifeagain know you and recognize
(31:00):
that, then they can.
Abide by that and bring it intothe conversation.
You know, you asked about thefamilies that I work with a lot
of times, and I will throwmyself under the bus with
everybody else because I'm ananxious allergy mom.
As kids get older, you know, Istill look at my 14-year-old,
and half the time I'm stillseeing my, my little cute two
and a half year old with hisringlet.
Hanging down his face, and Idon't always keep up with how
(31:21):
mature and how much he'sgrowing.
And we can do that as moms andthe toddler who would put his
hands in his mouth, every chancehe got is now 14 and he's really
responsible about washing hishands and checking his food.
And so if.
I'm going only on what makes mefeel nervous and agitated.
I might make a differentresponse than, like you said,
Kortney.
If I ask him and he says I'mfine with it, they can have
(31:42):
peanut butter pie and I'll justmake sure I know which one it is
or bring one for me that I caneat and I'm fine.
So their comfort level and youknow, understanding what
proximity is safe for themversus uncomfortable and
comfortable for me are allfactors to bring into the
conversation hopefully before weever.
Talk to the family about whatwe're going to ask of them at
(32:03):
that event.
Payel Gupta, MD (32:04):
What I'm hearing there is that things can
change, right?
So we can have a conversationwith our child when they're
younger and we should be havingthose conversations, and that
might look different than asthey get older.
So it sounds like we shouldprobably be having these
conversations pretty frequentlywith everyone as much as
possible to see if there's anychange in perspective that's
going on.
And one other family member thatmay or may not be present is.
(32:28):
Sibling.
So how do you see siblingscoming into all of this and what
kind of dynamics have you seenthat would be really important
for people to keep in mind?
It's a great
question
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (32:40):
and it is something that I think we
don't talk about enough.
So I'm glad that we have achance and some time for it
today because like any family, Ithink we tend to think, oh, this
is just a problem that we dealwith with food allergy families.
You know, this kid can't havethis and this one can't.
Every family has a mix.
If there are siblings ofdifferent needs.
Different challenges, differentstrengths, and so I work with
(33:01):
the families that I talk toabout creating that team mindset
and making sure that we knowthat allergies are not the whole
focus of the family or whatdefines our decisions, but each
person in the family being openand being.
Exploratory about, here's what Ibring to the table, here's how I
need help from you and how weoperate as a team.
How that shows up in foodallergy families is a lot of
(33:22):
times the food allergic childhas some challenges.
Some things they might feel leftout on.
The siblings who don't have foodallergies feel like that food
allergic kid gets all thisspecial attention and they got
to drive to the doctor with you,and go out to lunch afterward
and do all these things that tothem feel like special attention
and that to the food allergicchild feel like.
A burden.
I didn't want to go and do that.
(33:43):
That's not a special day withmom.
That's stressful for me that Ihad to go get a blood draw.
Then she took me for lunchafterward so that we could
regroup.
So I think, one of the thingsthat's important is really
giving balance to attending toeach child how they're feeling,
making space for them to talkabout their emotions.
Being really good listeners invalidating how they're feeling
one-on-one, where they can saythat honestly and openly.
(34:05):
Not in the presence of theirsiblings, and then as a team and
as a family, really talkingabout how we've all got each
other's backs with whatever itmay be.
I really like, especially whenwe're talking about these
extended family gatherings or ifwe're going to special events or
restaurants, is one where Ireally like to use this.
I don't like saying he haspeanut, tree nut on sesame
allergies, what can he eat?
(34:26):
I have always, from the time myson was young, said, we manage
food allergies as a family.
Here are the allergens.
It doesn't mean that thesiblings necessarily can't,
especially like I said, now thatthey're older, order those
allergens or eat thoseallergens, but we are letting
that child know.
The siblings know we're allhelping to keep each other safe,
and I think the language that weuse around this can be really
(34:47):
powerful in setting that exampleand then obviously giving those
kids, all the kids a chance toexperience the things they might
feel like they're missing out onone-on-one when we can, but when
we're a family.
Together, we are a team.
The most important thing iskeeping everybody safe and
feeling protected by the rest ofthe team.
Payel Gupta, MD (35:05):
I really love that the, we are in this
together and not isolating thatparticular person and constantly
making that person feel.
Like they're the reason thatthings have to be different.
I think that that makes totalsense.
And I really also loved all thescenarios you talked about
because I didn't even thinkabout, you know, the sibling
thinking that these are specialmoments, but then the allergy
(35:27):
person thinking this is notspecial.
And so even having thatconversation and understanding
how each person feels and thenbringing it back together and
saying, you know, I think Bobbyreally doesn't.
Feel special when he is on thesetrips with me because it's
really scary for him.
So I think, yeah, putting all ofthat into context is so helpful
and I'd never really, reallythought about that.
(35:49):
So I'm really glad that youbrought that up.
Kortney Kwong Hing (35:51):
As a food allergy kid, I never realized
that.
It was like where all managingmy food allergies, I never
considered that.
My sister was also dealing withthem.
I thought it was just me and myparents.
Taking care of me.
I never thought of how itimpacted her until later in
life, but as a kid, I didn'teven consider that it was
something that bothered her.
And I think that it's reallyimportant to also put that into
(36:14):
the We context for the Allergykid, so that they understand.
I mean, now I know because mysister.
Even now, we'll go to arestaurant and order and she'll
have to say something and it'sthe sweetest thing.
And she's like, I'm sorry, Ijust have to, I just get so
nervous.
And it's because she's alsoseeing reactions, you know, as a
child.
And that's made her nervous.
And she says somehow that mighthave led her down the road to
(36:35):
becoming a doctor of likewanting to take care of
something and wanting to takecare of a person.
But I never thought about it.
I thought she was just beingannoying, to be honest.
And she was.
In total panic mode when wewould eat out, and it's
important for us to remember asa food allergy person that
everyone the we is managing thefood allergy.
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (36:54):
I have a little story to add on to that.
My son with allergies had anexample of this not too long ago
where he kind of got to see thereverse, like you're.
Describing Kortney and one ofhis brothers had kind of a, a
scary thing where he wasswimming and we thought there
was a dry drowning thing, but itwas actually, he had just gotten
this horrible infection, but hewas really sick and when we
called the doctor, you know,they said, rush him to the
(37:14):
hospital.
Don't go to urgent care.
Call the ambulance right away.
We were on the road.
It was a really scary moment andhe still, the older brother that
it didn't happen to, still talksabout how scary that was for
him, and it's been a reallyimportant perspective shift for
him.
When he thinks his brothers arebeing mean or annoying, like you
said, Kortney, he realizes nowthat they're scared for him and
they're feeling protective.
And so I think finding thoseexamples, it's hard.
(37:36):
We don't wanna just brush pastthose hard things.
That's why it's important toprocess them because they can
give perspective and examples tokids on, you don't get to see
this often, but now you knowwhat it's like a little bit to
see something scary happen toyour sibling, and talk about how
that affects everybody in thefamily dynamic.
Kortney Kwong Hing (37:51):
Thank you, Dr.
Whitehouse, for sharing thatthat.
Actually means a lot.
I'm now replaying so many thingsthat happened to me in the past
and going, aha, this all makessense now, doesn't it?
Well, we have covered so manyamazing things.
And is there anything that youfeel we've missed when we're
talking about communication andsetting boundaries?
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (38:11):
I think there's one part with talking
with grandparents and in-lawsthat I didn't touch on.
There's just too much to say.
But I think it's reallyimportant for us to remember
from a really compassionatemindset that there is really a
generational difference and agenerational gap in how we deal
with feelings and how we dealwith problems.
And that's another thing that Ihave found very effective with.
The parents that I'm workingwith is to remember that they're
(38:33):
interacting with a generation ofpeople who have a really strong
value that is internalizedabout.
We don't sit around and talkabout our feelings.
We don't wallow, we don't selfpity, and a lot of what we do
can be perceived as that.
It's not a judgment of us, andif we don't take it personally,
then it can help us to rememberthis is how they were taught to
get by, this is what theirparents expected of them in
(38:56):
order to be supported and to.
Get along in the family dynamic.
It's not ideal, but it's naturalfor them to continue those
patterns and to recreate thatwith their kids.
A lot of people are reallyreceptive to this when we
approach it in a way where theydon't feel like we're attacking
them for all the reasons that wetalked about.
So I just wanted to throw thatin there.
I think it helps us to be reallyempathetic toward them when we
(39:18):
realize like.
Oh, if you talked to yourparents about how you were
feeling, they told you maybesome pretty harsh words about
not being a baby or suck it up,or whatever it might have been.
So that goes really deep and canbe triggering for them in terms
of how now we wanna have thiswhole different approach and
emotional style to challengesand.
Difficult things in our lives.
Payel Gupta, MD (39:38):
Such important points to remember, and I've
really enjoyed this conversationand I'm really looking forward
to listening to more of yourepisodes on your podcast.
Kortney Kwong Hing (39:48):
Thank you so much.
I will definitely be checkingout more about this regulation
and deregulation.
I feel like it's.
Very interesting.
It's something I've playedaround with a little bit and so
I'm gonna go look at it more inthis analogy, context.
Thank you
Payel Gupta, MD (40:01):
so much for joining us.
Same, and I'm sure this is notthe last time we'll be chatting.
I feel like we have a lot morethat we could have gotten into
and we should.
So looking forward to havingmore conversations with you,
Amanda.
That was really wonderful.
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (40:16):
I love that.
Payel Gupta, MD (40:16):
Thank you so much.
I loved getting to share thisspace on the Itch podcast And to
have such an open conversationabout the emotional layers of
the holidays, because let's behonest, for many of this, this
season can bring up love andgratitude and hope and joy, and
tension, and fear and stress.
So before you go, here are threesmall but powerful action steps
you can take this week.
(40:37):
Number one, pause before youreact when an interaction starts
to feel charged.
You can feel your body start toshift.
You know, you're entering intoterritory where it's likely to
have a difficult interactionwith someone.
So do what you need to do to getyourself regulated again before
you try to interact.
Remember that regulating yourbody changes everything,
(40:57):
including how your interactionswith other people will go.
Number two, name your limitsclearly and kindly.
Boundaries don't have to soundharsh and they shouldn't sound
like demands.
They should communicate ourgenuine desire to spend time or
be with someone number three,reflect afterward, not during.
It's probably not the time inthe midst of the holiday
(41:18):
gathering with extended familyall around to solve and process
the things that are difficultwithin your family dynamic,
reflect later on what felt good,what didn't, how things went,
and what you might wanna changenext time.
And stay tuned for an episodethat I'm planning in January of
2026 to talk more about how toimprove those relationships
aside from the stress of theholidays.
(41:40):
Once we're out, once we'reremoved from the stress of the
holidays and when we can think alittle bit more clearly about
what we want from ourrelationships with others.
As always, thank you so much forsupporting my show, for sharing
the episode, for leaving meratings and reviews that are
helping other people to find theinformation and for spending
your time with me because I knowthat it's limited, especially
this time of year.
(42:01):
I hope that you all have awonderful and very safe holiday
season where you feel supportedand loved by the people around
you.
the content of this podcast isfor informational and
educational purposes only, andis not a substitute for
professional medical or mentalhealth advice, diagnosis, or
treatment.
If you have any questions aboutyour own medical experience or
(42:22):
mental health needs, pleaseconsult a professional.
I'm Dr.
Amanda Whitehouse.
Thanks for joining me.
And until we chat again,remember don't feed the fear.
This week on.
Don't Feed The Fear.
I'm sharing something a littlebit different with you.
I had the absolute pleasure ofbeing a guest on The Itch
podcast and I loved getting toknow their lovely hosts.
Our conversation really was sotimely.
All three of us felt that it wasso important.
For our community this time ofyear, We talked about one of the
most common, and honestly one ofthe hardest things that comes up
this time of year for foodallergy families navigating
(00:22):
tricky family dynamics duringthe holidays, from communication
breakdowns to boundary settings,misunderstandings, and to the
ways our nervous systems reactunder stress.
I try to lay it all out in a waythat can be helpful and
actionable for you in order tonavigate the holidays in a way
that's a little bit moreenjoyable.
So if you've ever left a familygathering, feeling emotionally
(00:43):
drained or unsure of how toexpress what you really need or
are asking of your family, and Iknow that's almost all of you,
this episode will speak to you.
Thank you so much again toKortney and Dr.
Gupta.
For having me on the show.
Speaker (00:57):
Welcome to the Don't Feed the Fear podcast, where we
dive into the complex world offood allergy anxiety.
I'm your host, Dr.
Amanda Whitehouse, food allergyanxiety psychologist and food
allergy mom.
Whether you're dealing withallergies yourself or supporting
someone who is, join us for anempathetic and informative
journey toward food allergy calmand confidence..
Kortney Kwong Hing (01:18):
We are joined by a fellow Podcaster
today.
We have Dr.
Amanda Whitehouse with us, and Iwill let her do the
introduction.
So, Dr.
Whitehouse, welcome to the Itchpodcast.
We'd love to know a little bitabout you, your background, and
obviously what podcast you have.
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (01:34):
Thank you so much for having me.
I've been listening to the twoof you for a while and I'm so
excited to be here to chat withyou.
My podcast is called Don't Feedthe Fear, and what I focus on is
the social emotional aspects offood allergy and allergic
disease management.
So I'm a food allergy mom.
I'm a licensed psychologist, andwithout ever intending to, we
just obviously are drawn to whatwe're dealing with in our lives,
(01:55):
and so my specialty has moved inthat direction.
As I dealt with our ownstressors at home and then
learned how to support myclients and my families as they
found their way to my officewith similar concerns,
Payel Gupta, MD (02:05):
a mom with a mission.
Those are our favorite people tointerview.
Thank you so much for shiftingyour energy that way and helping
so many families.
So today's topic is reallynavigating family issues related
to children with food allergies,and the theme of the episode is
really communication andboundaries.
So I think you are definitelythe perfect person to have that
(02:28):
conversation with.
So our first question is, whatkinds of family issues do you
see come up most often in yourpractice when it comes to food
allergies and social emotionalissues?
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (02:41):
I see a lot of, in any relationship,
whether it's between parents.
Between parents and child,parents and extended family.
The root of the issue beingpeople having a different coping
style and approaching a problemfrom a different perspective
expecting the other person toapproach the problem in the way
that they would be the mostcomfortable approaching the
problem.
So that's a really generalizedway to say it because obviously
(03:02):
it gets very specific to foodallergies.
But really I try to teach peoplehow it boils down to our
attachment styles and ournervous system functioning.
And most of those people thenkind of sort into people who.
Are approaching a problem morefrom an attack mode.
Let's solve this problem.
Let's identify all the aspectsand take care of it.
And then people who areapproaching it or avoiding it
(03:24):
more from a, we don't need tomake a big deal about this.
Let's not go overboard.
This is maybe too much.
And obviously either of thoseextremes isn't good.
So the solution in a generalizedway is finding a balance and a
back and forth between.
Those two extremes.
But from my perspective, that'swhat I see at the root of almost
all of those challenges that weface.
Payel Gupta, MD (03:44):
My next question would be, how do you
know what your style is?
How do you know as a personwhere you're coming from?
And then number two, how do youthen interplay that with the
style of somebody else?
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (03:58):
We are very focused on what we want
other people to do, how I wantthe teacher to handle this
situation, how I want myextended family to treat the
allergy when we arrive forThanksgiving dinner.
But the root of it is what yousaid, understanding how do I
operate, understanding my child,how do they tend to operate?
What are their patterns?
You know, people thinkattachment is what's my
relationship with my mom and dadlike, but really it explains our
(04:21):
general coping style in life.
If you think about the termfight or flight that most people
are really familiar with.
Those two things.
Fight meaning to fight back, toapproach a problem and attack
it, and flight meaning to runaway or to avoid.
If you think of how you dealwith most problems in your life,
it's helpful to put it out ofthe context of food allergy
(04:42):
because that's so triggering andso escalating for us.
And just think about how youapproach other things so I can
use myself.
As an example, I was a personwho in grad school or when I was
getting my education orapproaching my future and my
career, I put all my assignmentsin my calendar right away.
I made a chart of when I neededto start, which assignments and
how much time they would take,and I gathered all my resources,
(05:04):
and that's how I approachchallenges in my life.
So I really have an upfront,what we would call a fight.
Approach to most stressors.
I wanna have control over thesituation.
I wanna exert as much influenceover every aspect of this as I
can.
And for most situations that Ifound myself in, just given my
life, that worked for me.
(05:24):
So when it came time to become aparent, I read all the books, I
listened to podcasts, I thoughtI had this great education,
right?
It was gonna prepare me.
I've got this under control.
I know all the things that Ineed to know, or I know how to
find the information.
That's my coping style as anapproach.
Attack, fight back.
I'm gonna take control of thisproblem and this is
oversimplified.
It's not just these two, butneither is of these extremes is
(05:46):
ideal if we don't have awell-rounded approach.
And I learned that very quicklywhen I became a food allergy
Mom.
And I didn't know about foodallergies.
I didn't know how to approachit.
I didn't understand foodlabeling and how it all works.
And so.
My approach, I gotta figure thisout.
I've gotta attack it.
What's wrong with me?
Why don't I know all thisinformation?
I should have predicted thisbecame problematic it can be
(06:06):
helpful.
But I didn't have as many skillsto take a step back from a
problem.
The other extreme of that wouldbe someone who can recognize
that they tend to respond toproblems in their lives by
saying, you know what, I'll waitand see what happens, and when
the time comes, I will figureout a plan.
At that point in time, it'llprobably be okay, or I feel well
(06:27):
resourced enough to manage thiswhen the time comes.
I trust other people.
I don't have to have controlover this maybe.
Those people might have a littlebit more of a difficult time
working with difficult emotionsand facing them, versus someone
who has my style, who's like, Ican handle the stress.
I've got this.
I'll just tough through thestress.
People who have more of an avoidapproach tend to not want to
(06:48):
talk about that, not to wannaprocess their feelings out loud
with someone or with theirpartner.
If they're having a tough timeto say, well, let's talk through
it.
Let's understand how you'refeeling and why.
So we can come up with asolution that might be less of
a, a preferred skill.
For them.
So again, you can see how eitherside of that really isn't
helpful and we need to be ableto, shift back and forth between
those and use that balance ofapproaches.
Payel Gupta, MD (07:10):
So once you figure out who you are and you
try to look at your familymembers and see where they are,
then what's the next step?
In figuring out how to deal withthe different levels of concern
or vigilance about thatparticular food allergy.
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (07:32):
The annoying answer that nobody ever
wants to hear this, but reallythere's a lot more inner
self-focused work in going intothose interactions.
So before we're even ready toapproach the family members or
have a discussion aboutsomething.
But once we know what ourpatterns are and what we tend to
do more, the key is learning to.
Understand your own nervoussystem and how it's functioning
(07:52):
and recognizing the signs ofwhen my nervous system is
triggered or escalated.
If I know that I can take thatinto whatever interaction or
conversation or request, I'mapproaching with a family member
and know the signs of when I amregulated.
I am feeling comfortable in thisconversation versus.
They just said something thatreally set me off and now I'm
(08:13):
panicky.
I'm angry.
My heart is racing, my breathingis changing.
The pace of my speech is pickingup because I'm activated and I'm
upset about this conversation.
It really is important to havethese good interactions with
people, but the foundation of itis me being able to stay
regulated and then to know whenI'm not, and then take a beat,
find a way, or have a plan aheadof time where if this doesn't
(08:34):
go.
Productively.
Here's the step that I'm goingto take to pause and then
regroup before we continue thisnegotiation or this
conversation.
Kortney Kwong Hing (08:43):
Do you think it's also worth knowing the
person that you're going to havethe interaction with?
Do you think it's worth knowingtheir way of coping?
Maybe you don't have arelationship where you can be
like, so what kind of person areyou?
But just to prepare, like ifyou're gonna meet someone who
you know has the exact oppositestyle that you can know.
Oh, I'm gonna look out for thisand this because if this
(09:04):
happens, then I know I'm notgonna get through to them at
all, and it's best to just stop,take a pause, because I can see
that they're not gonna come atme in a nice way.
Amanda Whitehouse, (09:14):
Absolutely.
I think that's one of the mostimportant things, and that's
what happens when we take thetime to learn how this works.
It's information that we allknow already, but we're not
practiced at applying it in ourinteractions with other people.
So once you get comfortableidentifying this, yes.
If it's someone you know wellalready, if it's your parents,
you are listening to thisconversation, most of us can go,
oh yeah, I know this is how momdoes it.
(09:36):
This is how dad does it.
And when they get upset.
This is what they do every time.
You know, dad leaves the room,mom starts to talk faster, you
know, whatever it might be,you'll be familiar with those
people, but even when it'ssomeone you don't know well, you
start to be able to pick up onthis faster and faster.
Sometimes people take that interms of a manipulative
approach, and that's not whatI'm suggesting.
(09:56):
It's just when you'reinteracting with someone, if
they are not regulated, if youcan tell that this is not going
in a direction that can beproductive, it's a respectful
thing to do to.
Change gears in whatever way isnecessary.
So you get better and better atpicking up on this in people and
then shifting and stayingregulated.
And there's this reallyimportant concept in this world
of nervous system regulationthat we talk about called
(10:18):
co-regulation.
We all understand this too.
I hold my baby against my chestand I rock, and I speak
soothingly.
The baby calms and we areconnected.
Our nervous systems areconnected, and that doesn't only
apply to our babies, and itdoesn't end when our babies
aren't being held and rocked onour chests anymore.
If I'm in an interaction withsomeone and they become
(10:38):
dysregulated, but I can staycalm and I can acknowledge
what's happening with them, if Ican stay regulated and do things
that will help them.
To reregulate with me becauseI'm calm and because I
understand how this works, thenwe might be able to continue
moving forward and obviouslyavoid some of those hurt
feelings that happen and maybenot take it personally because
we can understand that it's notcoming from just the requests
(11:00):
that I'm making about my childand their food allergies.
It's a bigger issue that's arooted in things that everyone
doesn't have this education andunderstanding about in terms of
how they're responding to us,let alone then the allergy
content specifically that theymight not.
Understand.
Kortney Kwong Hing (11:15):
Yeah, I think that makes a lot of sense.
But you've used this wordregulate a lot and I just wanna
have a little bit more claritybefore I could say that totally
makes sense.
So when you're talking aboutregulated, what exactly do you
mean
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (11:26):
by that?
That's a great point.
I talk about this all the time,so I appreciate you making sure
that I bring it back to thebasics about this.
Again, most of us are familiarwith that term fight or flight.
We understand that it means whenI am afraid or when I'm upset,
this is how I respond.
What that is rooted to is ourbodies nervous systems and our
protective mechanisms within ourbodies that are telling us when
(11:47):
we think there's danger and howto protect ourselves or get to
safety.
So obviously most of us ashumans are no longer being
chased by wild animals.
We're not in danger in the waythat we used to be.
Evolutionarily speaking on aday-to-day basis.
But this is still how our body'salarm system works and telling
us something's wrong orsomething is not okay.
When we are regulated, we'refeeling safe.
(12:09):
Basically, when we aredysregulated, our body is
telling us we're unsafe.
This is not okay.
I need to get to safety.
It sounds extreme because I'mhaving a conversation.
With my mom about theThanksgiving Turkey, I know I'm
safe.
My logical brain realizes I'msafe.
But for those of us who livewith allergies or are allergy
(12:29):
parents, we can very quickly goor are already living all the
time in what's genuinely notsafe, right?
Which is us or our child havinga really dangerous reaction.
So it helps to understand that'struly what's happening is your
body is reacting as.
If you are being attacked inthat moment when we are
dysregulated, and if you thinkof it in that way, if you think
about if you were under attack.
(12:50):
What would happen in your body?
We don't think about it in theseterms all the time, but we know
what that means.
Our heart starts racing.
Our breathing gets shallow andrapid.
We get sweaty, we get shaky.
We get kind of a narrow focuswhere we have trouble taking the
whole picture in and we hunkerdown on this one point that
we're trying to make, or thisone piece that we want to be
understood.
All of those changes in the bodyare very physiological and once
(13:13):
they take place.
They don't stop and they don'tallow us to participate in a
conversation in a way that,again, is, is productive and
regulated.
We are then approaching theperson that we're talking to as
if they're the opponent.
They're the attacker, they'rethe aggressor, and we need to
either fight back or defendourselves from them.
It all sounds very dramatic, butit truly isn't because all of us
(13:35):
can feel how strong thatreaction is in the body and how
it takes over, and then laterwe'll go.
Oh my gosh, I got so worked upor I can't believe I raised my
voice or, or they yelled andthen I yelled back.
All of these things that we knowwe, we wouldn't typically do.
We don't interact in those waysuntil we get triggered or
dysregulated.
So I guess I explaineddysregulated more than
regulated, you know, which wasyour question, but that helps
(13:58):
us.
Connect with the other side ofit.
When we're regulated, we'refeeling safe, we're comfortable,
we feel that people arelistening to us.
We can access our logicalthinking and our rational
brains.
And then when we get shiftedinto fight or flight mode,
literally the blood flow to thatarea of the brain is restricted
and we don't have access to thattype of thinking anymore until
we return to safety as definedby our nervous systems.
Payel Gupta, MD (14:22):
So helpful.
And so when you're firststarting these conversations
with family and friends, so yousaid, number one, make sure that
you know where you are and makesure that you're in a good place
to have a conversation thatparticular day or moment before
you get started on theconversation.
But what are the things that youthink are really important for
(14:44):
families to communicate topeople that are taking care of
their children?
We'll have a role in making surethat they are keeping them safe.
Amanda Whitehouse, P (14:54):
Definitely whatever your individual
situation is, is going todetermine that, right?
In terms of what your history ofreactions is and the severity
and your allergens and the ageof your child, as far as the
specifics.
But what we need to communicateto them is a boundary, and I
think we have misunderstandingsabout what boundary setting
means.
(15:14):
If I have a toddler who's goingto be running around the house
with 35 extended family membersand there's trail mix on the
table and he's allergic to nutsand everyone's touching it and
touching all the surfaces, I canmake a decision about that not
feeling safe for my child basedon our individual situation.
Communicating that boundary tomy family.
It does not mean I expect youall to adhere to this boundary.
(15:38):
The boundary is I'm drawing acircle in the sand.
Here is the circle within whichme and my child or our family
feel safe and can interact withyou and have a wonderful holiday
and chit chat and enjoy yourcompany and for us to feel
comfortable and have a great daytogether.
If those people are willing tojoin you within that circle,
wherever that line has beendrawn, then that is their
(16:01):
decision.
People think that a boundarymeans I can force them or
convince them or make themcomply with what we need.
Unfortunately, we all know fromexperience that that's not the
case..
So really setting andcommunicating that boundary,
whatever it is for youspecifically, is about you
stating what it is, making itreally clear, and then knowing,
again, I'm gonna stay regulated,I'm going to be prepared for
(16:25):
what might happen.
What we're going to do if peoplecan't adhere to this boundary,
obviously it's great if it canbe communicated in advance.
If you express this to family,Hey, we just got this diagnosis.
He's really little.
This is new for us.
We're learning our way and we'reconcerned about this, this, and
that.
So if we cannot have these foodsin this way.
On that holiday, that would begreat.
(16:47):
Does that work for everybody?
And if people say, yes,wonderful.
Well, we won't do this.
Can I make this in this way?
Then you have it all sorted outahead of time.
That's ideal.
That's all that we're reallyasking for.
As allergy moms, sometimes itdoesn't feel like people get it,
but then what happens if youshow up in the trail mix is on
the coffee table in front of theTV with an arm's reach of my
child.
(17:08):
Now is when the boundary getstested and there's not a right
or a wrong way to respond tothat.
But again, it's about me makinga decision of what I feel safe
doing.
So a lot of us might just have aconversation with them.
We might say, you know, wetalked about this before.
I'm not sure where the mix upwas.
What are we going to do?
And then again.
Now, where's my boundary?
(17:28):
After I've communicated and hadthis conversation, if people are
getting, you know, aggressive,like we've mentioned, some
people are like, no, I'm notgonna do that.
It's Christmas.
I have to have a bowl of nutsout.
It's a tradition to have theNutcracker and all of those
things.
Then that gives us a reallyclear understanding of who
isn't, isn't going to respectour boundaries.
Then we have to make a decisionaccordingly.
It's a difficult topic.
(17:49):
It's emotionally challenging forus.
It also is usually really clearto us, especially maybe more so
as allergy parents.
I think individuals who areolder teens or adults with
allergies have a harder timewhen it's me drawing and holding
that line.
But when it's a mom and it's mytoddler.
Sorry.
It's easy for me to hold thatboundary and we can't be here
for you for this holiday,?
(18:09):
And unfortunately, sometimes itdoes come to that.
Either we have to leave, we canonly stay to say hello, whatever
behavior you need to do inresponse that holds and respects
that boundary.
But again, ultimately I am theone.
Who is maintaining the boundarythat I have set, not everybody
that I have expressed it to.
Does that make sense?
Payel Gupta, MD (18:26):
Absolutely.
And we've talked about this withteenagers.
It's figuring out what makes youfeel safe, and then if you're
not in a safe situation, you canremove yourself from that
situation.
So again, it's more aboutfiguring out what it is that you
need and then respecting that.
And making sure that if you'renot getting that, that you can
(18:49):
get away from that situationquickly.
So I think that, again, it doesbecome very complicated when
family's involved, when alsoit's maybe the other person that
you're in partnership with theirfamily that maybe.
Not wanting to be in that circlewith you.
That also makes it challenging,and then that leads to a
downward spiral within thefamily dynamic.
(19:10):
So I do think that all of thesethings can become very
challenging, and that's why it'simportant to talk about
different tools and skills thatwe can use to help.
People cope with everything thatthey already have to deal with
as a food allergy parent, butthis then just gets added into
the mix.
But Courtney, I'm sure you havecomments on that too.
Kortney Kwong Hing (19:29):
Oh my goodness.
Do I have experiences?
I think one thing I heard yousay, which was really
interesting is like to removeyourself from a dangerous
situation, like if the nuts showup.
But I would also say for mepersonally, it's where you can
feel the.
Dysregulation starting to happenand like the nasty side of you
(19:49):
starting to come up becauseyou're just like, this is my
life.
I feel like everyone is like mysafety, my life, and you're just
not understanding me.
When that starts to come up,that's another time I have to
say.
Remove yourself because you'rejust gonna make this whole
situation way worse.
And no one's gonna sympathizewith you, and no one's gonna
actually wanna like join you inyour circle, your boundary
(20:12):
circle.
They're gonna wanna stay outsidebecause they only see this as a
fight, and you are fighting themand they're gonna fight you, and
they're not gonna meet youhalfway.
So I just wanted to reiteratethe fact for me, it's not just
like is an allergen present, butis an emotional something,
something coming up that I needto step away from.
And I've learned that now muchbetter.
(20:32):
I've been able to just actuallyleave the room, like, which
means really rude, but I'm like,look, if I don't leave this
room, it's gonna get reallynasty, really fast.
And I don't like to be nasty, solet me just go.
But then what Dr.
G also said was thispartnership, right?
And you know, I am now anallergy adult with a husband and
we have to communicate myallergies with his parents, but
(20:55):
I can only imagine what it'slike.
To have a child that you'relooking after and to make sure
that the parents are on the samepage.
So I would love to ask you aquestion about like, how do you
make sure that you and yourpartner are on the same page?
Because I know for me and myhusband, it's like, if this
happens, I need you to back me.
Right?
I know they're your parents andthere's always that weird
(21:16):
dynamic between parents, but I'myour wife and you need to help
me stay safe, and I need to beon my side because I can't be
against everyone in this room.
I need a partner in this andyou're my partner.
And we've communicated that andhe knows kind of my tells.
I think he knows what I'mstarting to dysregulate faster
than I do at this point.
(21:37):
But how do you work with apartner?
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (21:39):
Yeah, and you make such a great point.
It goes back to thatco-regulation.
You have this close relationshipwith your partner.
He might be able to identify,and this goes for, couples
raising kids or when the adultsare the ones with the allergies.
They're not dysregulated.
If they know you well, you'rereally closely connected.
They understand your tells andthey might even.
Start to feel a little bit ofyour anxiety as it gets bigger.
And that's going to be a reallyimportant skill and a great way
(22:01):
that you can support each otheris by them recognizing it.
And those are things we can havespecific conversations about
with each other.
Right?
When we're regulated.
Again, let's talk about whathappened the last time we talked
about this with your parents andwhat do you notice?
And me, and when you see medoing that, I might not be able
to acknowledge it, but that'slike you said, this is when I
need you to step in.
And I think that the other sideof it is what you said, what can
(22:23):
give us.
Compassion for the other peoplein this situation because
they're only seeing us in attackmode.
And if that's what they see,that's naturally going to put
other people into that mode too.
And it may not to us feel likeit is as important, but So for
example, Kortney with yourhusband, I mean his
relationship.
I know you know this, but hisrelationship with his parents is
really important to him as is myrelationship with my child,
(22:46):
right?
So if he sees you in attack modeand then he's dysregulated, or
his parents are responding in,in attack mode, back at you,
here's all the people that Ilove the most going head to head
or feeling reallyconfrontational.
What he wants in order for himto feel safe and okay again, is
for the conflict.
To stop probably, and he mightnot see it as I need to tell
(23:07):
them that this is what Kortneyneeds in order to feel okay,
because then that might feellike a threat or a challenge to
his relationship with hisparents.
And so when we know that thepeople we're interacting with
are also in this.
Mindset, this state now of, ofattack mode or I'm, I'm fighting
back or feeling defensive.
It might not happen in themoment, but later we can go home
(23:27):
and we can kind of process andthink through.
They were just as upset as Iwas.
I said things in a way or withwords that I might not usually
use.
So did they, and maybe theydon't have this awareness and
education that I have about howthis works, so maybe I can find
some forgiveness, you know, forthem about the way that they're
handling this and regroup abouthow we might approach it.
(23:47):
So for parents raising a childtogether and approaching this, I
think that's an important thingin terms of.
As a couple, how do I handlethis?
How do you tend to handle it andhow can we find, it doesn't have
to be the middle ground.
Sometimes it is a hard line oneway or the other way.
Sometimes we just need to avoid,we are walking away, we're not
going, sometimes it isabsolutely, you know, you matter
(24:10):
in my life and I'm going toapproach this problem.
I'm, I'm not giving up thisconversation with you, mom.
I wanna be able to spendChristmas with you.
It's really important to me.
Obviously I'm not attacking her,but I am approaching this
problem in a way that's problemsolving.
And then so backing each otherup.
If it's the in-laws, obviouslyhaving that plan going into it,
having an understanding, I keepturning it inward on us, and I
(24:33):
don't mean to make it sound likeit's our fault, but obviously
it's our responsibility.
I think one thing for couplesthat they often get into is.
Is the boundary that I'm tryingto set coming from a regulated,
safe, calm, logicalunderstanding of what I need, or
is the actual request that Iwanna make coming from me being
dysregulated and upset oroffended.
(24:54):
So if I am marching into afamily gathering and I'm telling
my spouse, we are telling themthere are absolutely no nuts.
They must clean out thecupboards.
There can be no nuts in thishome because I am so afraid and
panicky about what could happen.
That's not a boundary that'scoming from a regulated state,
right?
That might not be exactly whatmy child needs to be safe.
(25:15):
We can help each other torealize that if we can have
these conversations between eachother, and again, find some
middle ground and not always bein an extreme.
But know when the extremes arenecessary and helpful too.
Payel Gupta, MD (25:26):
So what I'm hearing you say is really
communication and communicatingbefore you get into situations
and troubleshooting what all ofthese different scenarios could
look like and where maybe you inpartnership, if you have a
partnership, where your hardlines are, where your boundaries
are, and establishing thosebefore you get into the
(25:47):
situation.
Again, you can't plan for everysingle situation, and that's the
other.
Key problem in life in general,you just cannot plan for every
single scenario.
So communication beforehand,knowing your boundaries, trying
to stick to those boundaries inpartnership, and then making
sure you're regulated.
But what are some other thingsthat you can do in the moment?
(26:11):
Some other tools or tricks thatyou have that you would
recommend for families goinginto these situations as the
holidays really are approaching?
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (26:20):
I think one of the most important things
that gets overlooked, and wehave to be really mindful of the
way that we do this, but asparents, I think sometimes we
forget to include our kids inthe conversation.
I don't mean include the kids inthe heated conversation with all
of the in-laws or on the grouptext that's getting nasty, but I
mean, how do you feel?
I have seen and worked with alot of families where they were.
(26:40):
Really not seeing this eye toeye when they were talking to,
you know, the in-laws or theadults.
But when mom told grandpa, youknow, Johnny told me he doesn't
wanna hug you on Christmasbecause he knows that you eat
those nuts and you do use theNutcracker and have your walnuts
every Christmas.
It really makes him feeluncomfortable and not putting
blame on the child, not puttingresponsibility on the child for
(27:03):
communicating it, but helpingpeople to understand how they're
actually.
Impacting the person with theallergy that we're talking
about, particularly when it's achild and we live in a society
that kind of doesn't treat kidslike they're whole people with
feelings and experiences.
I think that that's a reallypowerful and important part of
it.
So that would look like,obviously having a very calm.
(27:24):
Conversation with the child inadvance, allowing them to
express themselves, being reallygood listeners and validating
their feelings about it.
And then depending on what theysay and what's appropriate with
their permission, inserting thatinto the conversation about what
they would really prefer.
A lot of times kids have reallygood solutions to these problems
too, that we don't think toinclude them.
'cause we're.
Heated up about it and maybethey're not as stressed as we
(27:47):
are and they can help us solvethe problem.
And then in the moment whenwe're communicating that, you
know, you said like when it'sactually happening, what can we
do?
I think if you get good atrecognizing what's going on,
knowing what regulates people,so what regulates me, what
regulates my partner, whatregulates these people that I'm
talking to?
And the number one thing isbringing it back to, we all want
(28:08):
the same thing here.
I know all of us really want tohave a wonderful Christmas.
I realize it's important to allof us to include as many of our
traditions as we can safely, butI know that the most important
thing to all of us is keeping mychild safe or keeping you safe
as the person with the allergy.
When we do that, that takes usfrom sitting across the table.
(28:28):
Feeling like adversaries toreminding everyone in the
conversation, we are all on thesame page.
We might not all agree on how toget to where we wanna go, but we
all want the same thing.
And the most important thing isthe safety of this person we're
trying to protect.
Kortney Kwong Hing (28:41):
I really love that you say include the
child because it is a familydecision really.
Like what boundaries we set.
I know from my own personalexperience, some of the
boundaries that were set I feltwere too much too strong or made
me feel uncomfortable because Ididn't want everyone to change
just because of me.
And that's something that I amlearning from friends happens at
(29:03):
a certain age.
You know, when kids start to geta little bit older in the tween
years, this is just fromanecdotes, but they don't want
their food allergies to dictateas much and they're okay with.
Stepping back themselves orsaying, I want everyone to have
this experience.
It's not every kid.
Some kids don't want that, butI'm just saying that by having
that conversation, you might besurprised what makes your child
(29:25):
feel uncomfortable and whatmakes'em feel okay.
And you might be surprised howmuch they're okay with.
Sometimes we want to really putour kid in a bubble as much as
possible, but they just wannalive as free as possible.
And I try still in my midthirties, I feel like.
What's really interesting iswhen you define the two
different coping styles at thebeginning, I have one.
(29:49):
I live with in my everyday life,and when it comes to food
allergies, I manage everythingdifferently.
It's very interesting and nowI'm starting as I'm working on
this to bring them together andkind of find more balance.
But when it comes to foodallergies, I am a freeze person.
I am a flight person.
I just shut down completely.
And in real life, I'm very vocalabout everything I want, and I'm
(30:13):
very planned.
And it's kind of surprisingsometimes I just go completely
inwards.
I don't really know where I'mcoming with this, but it's just
interesting to communicate withyour child because.
Their coping skills, at leastfrom my experience, might be
completely different becausethey're compartmentalizing their
lives and I've very clearlycompartmentalized how I deal
with normal life and how I dealwith food allergy life.
(30:33):
And I just wonder, is thatsomething you see in families?
Do they have different littleunits that they're living with
emotionally?
Amanda Whitehouse, (30:39):
Absolutely.
I, I'm so glad that you'resharing that from your
perspective and describing thenhow that has carried forward
it's normal for you to have thatdifferent response because
obviously the danger, the threatof food allergy is a different
level than my homeworkassignment for this paper or my
job or this deadline.
It isn't uncommon.
And if the people in your lifeagain know you and recognize
(31:00):
that, then they can.
Abide by that and bring it intothe conversation.
You know, you asked about thefamilies that I work with a lot
of times, and I will throwmyself under the bus with
everybody else because I'm ananxious allergy mom.
As kids get older, you know, Istill look at my 14-year-old,
and half the time I'm stillseeing my, my little cute two
and a half year old with hisringlet.
Hanging down his face, and Idon't always keep up with how
(31:21):
mature and how much he'sgrowing.
And we can do that as moms andthe toddler who would put his
hands in his mouth, every chancehe got is now 14 and he's really
responsible about washing hishands and checking his food.
And so if.
I'm going only on what makes mefeel nervous and agitated.
I might make a differentresponse than, like you said,
Kortney.
If I ask him and he says I'mfine with it, they can have
(31:42):
peanut butter pie and I'll justmake sure I know which one it is
or bring one for me that I caneat and I'm fine.
So their comfort level and youknow, understanding what
proximity is safe for themversus uncomfortable and
comfortable for me are allfactors to bring into the
conversation hopefully before weever.
Talk to the family about whatwe're going to ask of them at
(32:03):
that event.
Payel Gupta, MD (32:04):
What I'm hearing there is that things can
change, right?
So we can have a conversationwith our child when they're
younger and we should be havingthose conversations, and that
might look different than asthey get older.
So it sounds like we shouldprobably be having these
conversations pretty frequentlywith everyone as much as
possible to see if there's anychange in perspective that's
going on.
And one other family member thatmay or may not be present is.
(32:28):
Sibling.
So how do you see siblingscoming into all of this and what
kind of dynamics have you seenthat would be really important
for people to keep in mind?
It's a great
question
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (32:40):
and it is something that I think we
don't talk about enough.
So I'm glad that we have achance and some time for it
today because like any family, Ithink we tend to think, oh, this
is just a problem that we dealwith with food allergy families.
You know, this kid can't havethis and this one can't.
Every family has a mix.
If there are siblings ofdifferent needs.
Different challenges, differentstrengths, and so I work with
(33:01):
the families that I talk toabout creating that team mindset
and making sure that we knowthat allergies are not the whole
focus of the family or whatdefines our decisions, but each
person in the family being openand being.
Exploratory about, here's what Ibring to the table, here's how I
need help from you and how weoperate as a team.
How that shows up in foodallergy families is a lot of
(33:22):
times the food allergic childhas some challenges.
Some things they might feel leftout on.
The siblings who don't have foodallergies feel like that food
allergic kid gets all thisspecial attention and they got
to drive to the doctor with you,and go out to lunch afterward
and do all these things that tothem feel like special attention
and that to the food allergicchild feel like.
A burden.
I didn't want to go and do that.
(33:43):
That's not a special day withmom.
That's stressful for me that Ihad to go get a blood draw.
Then she took me for lunchafterward so that we could
regroup.
So I think, one of the thingsthat's important is really
giving balance to attending toeach child how they're feeling,
making space for them to talkabout their emotions.
Being really good listeners invalidating how they're feeling
one-on-one, where they can saythat honestly and openly.
(34:05):
Not in the presence of theirsiblings, and then as a team and
as a family, really talkingabout how we've all got each
other's backs with whatever itmay be.
I really like, especially whenwe're talking about these
extended family gatherings or ifwe're going to special events or
restaurants, is one where Ireally like to use this.
I don't like saying he haspeanut, tree nut on sesame
allergies, what can he eat?
(34:26):
I have always, from the time myson was young, said, we manage
food allergies as a family.
Here are the allergens.
It doesn't mean that thesiblings necessarily can't,
especially like I said, now thatthey're older, order those
allergens or eat thoseallergens, but we are letting
that child know.
The siblings know we're allhelping to keep each other safe,
and I think the language that weuse around this can be really
(34:47):
powerful in setting that exampleand then obviously giving those
kids, all the kids a chance toexperience the things they might
feel like they're missing out onone-on-one when we can, but when
we're a family.
Together, we are a team.
The most important thing iskeeping everybody safe and
feeling protected by the rest ofthe team.
Payel Gupta, MD (35:05):
I really love that the, we are in this
together and not isolating thatparticular person and constantly
making that person feel.
Like they're the reason thatthings have to be different.
I think that that makes totalsense.
And I really also loved all thescenarios you talked about
because I didn't even thinkabout, you know, the sibling
thinking that these are specialmoments, but then the allergy
(35:27):
person thinking this is notspecial.
And so even having thatconversation and understanding
how each person feels and thenbringing it back together and
saying, you know, I think Bobbyreally doesn't.
Feel special when he is on thesetrips with me because it's
really scary for him.
So I think, yeah, putting all ofthat into context is so helpful
and I'd never really, reallythought about that.
(35:49):
So I'm really glad that youbrought that up.
Kortney Kwong Hing (35:51):
As a food allergy kid, I never realized
that.
It was like where all managingmy food allergies, I never
considered that.
My sister was also dealing withthem.
I thought it was just me and myparents.
Taking care of me.
I never thought of how itimpacted her until later in
life, but as a kid, I didn'teven consider that it was
something that bothered her.
And I think that it's reallyimportant to also put that into
(36:14):
the We context for the Allergykid, so that they understand.
I mean, now I know because mysister.
Even now, we'll go to arestaurant and order and she'll
have to say something and it'sthe sweetest thing.
And she's like, I'm sorry, Ijust have to, I just get so
nervous.
And it's because she's alsoseeing reactions, you know, as a
child.
And that's made her nervous.
And she says somehow that mighthave led her down the road to
(36:35):
becoming a doctor of likewanting to take care of
something and wanting to takecare of a person.
But I never thought about it.
I thought she was just beingannoying, to be honest.
And she was.
In total panic mode when wewould eat out, and it's
important for us to remember asa food allergy person that
everyone the we is managing thefood allergy.
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (36:54):
I have a little story to add on to that.
My son with allergies had anexample of this not too long ago
where he kind of got to see thereverse, like you're.
Describing Kortney and one ofhis brothers had kind of a, a
scary thing where he wasswimming and we thought there
was a dry drowning thing, but itwas actually, he had just gotten
this horrible infection, but hewas really sick and when we
called the doctor, you know,they said, rush him to the
(37:14):
hospital.
Don't go to urgent care.
Call the ambulance right away.
We were on the road.
It was a really scary moment andhe still, the older brother that
it didn't happen to, still talksabout how scary that was for
him, and it's been a reallyimportant perspective shift for
him.
When he thinks his brothers arebeing mean or annoying, like you
said, Kortney, he realizes nowthat they're scared for him and
they're feeling protective.
And so I think finding thoseexamples, it's hard.
(37:36):
We don't wanna just brush pastthose hard things.
That's why it's important toprocess them because they can
give perspective and examples tokids on, you don't get to see
this often, but now you knowwhat it's like a little bit to
see something scary happen toyour sibling, and talk about how
that affects everybody in thefamily dynamic.
Kortney Kwong Hing (37:51):
Thank you, Dr.
Whitehouse, for sharing thatthat.
Actually means a lot.
I'm now replaying so many thingsthat happened to me in the past
and going, aha, this all makessense now, doesn't it?
Well, we have covered so manyamazing things.
And is there anything that youfeel we've missed when we're
talking about communication andsetting boundaries?
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (38:11):
I think there's one part with talking
with grandparents and in-lawsthat I didn't touch on.
There's just too much to say.
But I think it's reallyimportant for us to remember
from a really compassionatemindset that there is really a
generational difference and agenerational gap in how we deal
with feelings and how we dealwith problems.
And that's another thing that Ihave found very effective with.
The parents that I'm workingwith is to remember that they're
(38:33):
interacting with a generation ofpeople who have a really strong
value that is internalizedabout.
We don't sit around and talkabout our feelings.
We don't wallow, we don't selfpity, and a lot of what we do
can be perceived as that.
It's not a judgment of us, andif we don't take it personally,
then it can help us to rememberthis is how they were taught to
get by, this is what theirparents expected of them in
(38:56):
order to be supported and to.
Get along in the family dynamic.
It's not ideal, but it's naturalfor them to continue those
patterns and to recreate thatwith their kids.
A lot of people are reallyreceptive to this when we
approach it in a way where theydon't feel like we're attacking
them for all the reasons that wetalked about.
So I just wanted to throw thatin there.
I think it helps us to be reallyempathetic toward them when we
(39:18):
realize like.
Oh, if you talked to yourparents about how you were
feeling, they told you maybesome pretty harsh words about
not being a baby or suck it up,or whatever it might have been.
So that goes really deep and canbe triggering for them in terms
of how now we wanna have thiswhole different approach and
emotional style to challengesand.
Difficult things in our lives.
Payel Gupta, MD (39:38):
Such important points to remember, and I've
really enjoyed this conversationand I'm really looking forward
to listening to more of yourepisodes on your podcast.
Kortney Kwong Hing (39:48):
Thank you so much.
I will definitely be checkingout more about this regulation
and deregulation.
I feel like it's.
Very interesting.
It's something I've playedaround with a little bit and so
I'm gonna go look at it more inthis analogy, context.
Thank you
Payel Gupta, MD (40:01):
so much for joining us.
Same, and I'm sure this is notthe last time we'll be chatting.
I feel like we have a lot morethat we could have gotten into
and we should.
So looking forward to havingmore conversations with you,
Amanda.
That was really wonderful.
Amanda Whitehouse, PhD (40:16):
I love that.
Payel Gupta, MD (40:16):
Thank you so much.
I loved getting to share thisspace on the Itch podcast And to
have such an open conversationabout the emotional layers of
the holidays, because let's behonest, for many of this, this
season can bring up love andgratitude and hope and joy, and
tension, and fear and stress.
So before you go, here are threesmall but powerful action steps
you can take this week.
(40:37):
Number one, pause before youreact when an interaction starts
to feel charged.
You can feel your body start toshift.
You know, you're entering intoterritory where it's likely to
have a difficult interactionwith someone.
So do what you need to do to getyourself regulated again before
you try to interact.
Remember that regulating yourbody changes everything,
(40:57):
including how your interactionswith other people will go.
Number two, name your limitsclearly and kindly.
Boundaries don't have to soundharsh and they shouldn't sound
like demands.
They should communicate ourgenuine desire to spend time or
be with someone number three,reflect afterward, not during.
It's probably not the time inthe midst of the holiday
(41:18):
gathering with extended familyall around to solve and process
the things that are difficultwithin your family dynamic,
reflect later on what felt good,what didn't, how things went,
and what you might wanna changenext time.
And stay tuned for an episodethat I'm planning in January of
2026 to talk more about how toimprove those relationships
aside from the stress of theholidays.
(41:40):
Once we're out, once we'reremoved from the stress of the
holidays and when we can think alittle bit more clearly about
what we want from ourrelationships with others.
As always, thank you so much forsupporting my show, for sharing
the episode, for leaving meratings and reviews that are
helping other people to find theinformation and for spending
your time with me because I knowthat it's limited, especially
this time of year.
(42:01):
I hope that you all have awonderful and very safe holiday
season where you feel supportedand loved by the people around
you.
the content of this podcast isfor informational and
educational purposes only, andis not a substitute for
professional medical or mentalhealth advice, diagnosis, or
treatment.
If you have any questions aboutyour own medical experience or
(42:22):
mental health needs, pleaseconsult a professional.
I'm Dr.
Amanda Whitehouse.
Thanks for joining me.
And until we chat again,remember don't feed the fear.
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