March 7, 2025 • 11 mins
What Role Does Unresolved Trauma Play In How We Experience And Express Anger, And How Can We Begin To Heal Those Deeper Triggers?
The protective barriers we build in childhood often follow us into adulthood, shaping our emotional responses in ways we don't fully recognize. Trauma recovery coach Demetria Nickens takes us on a powerful journey exploring how unresolved trauma manifests as anger throughout our lives.
When we experience trauma, particularly in childhood, our brain catalogs successful survival strategies. If fighting helped you escape danger once, your brain automatically reaches for that same response when faced with perceived threats later in life. This becomes problematic when we continue applying childhood protection mechanisms to adult situations. As Demetria eloquently explains, "Things that served you and protected you when you were younger doesn't mean that they serve and protect you now."
The path to healing begins with awareness. Noticing physical sensations like sweating or increased heart rate before emotional reactions take hold creates space to interrupt automatic responses. This bodily awareness serves as an early warning system, allowing us to choose different reactions rather than falling into established patterns. Most importantly, we must recognize when we're "trauma reacting" versus responding to present circumstances.
Ready to transform your relationship with anger by healing its underlying causes? Tune in to this transformative episode that might just change how you understand your emotional responses forever!
For more information about Dove’s Inner B.E.A.U.T.Y. visit:
https://www.DovesInnerBeauty.com/
Dove’s Inner B.E.A.U.T.Y.
(336) 298-6599
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Dove's Inner Beauty Podcast, where we
foster emotional awareness, oneindividual at a time.
Leading the way is DemetriaNickens, a certified mental
health first aid instructor andtrauma recovery coach with over
two decades of experience infostering emotional awareness in
others by engaging their mentalhealth awareness in others by
(00:30):
engaging their mental health.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Unresolved trauma can shape the way we experience
emotions, especially anger.
For many, anger becomes aprotective shield masking pain
that hasn't yet been addressed.
In this episode, we're going todiscuss the deep connection
between trauma and anger and howhealing from past wounds can
lead to greater emotionalbalance and peace.
(00:55):
Welcome back everyone.
This is Garfield Bourne,co-host slash producer, back in
the studio with coach DemetriaNickens.
Demetria, how's it going today?
Speaker 3 (01:06):
Going well so.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
Demetria, what role does unresolved trauma play in
how we experience and expressanger, and how can we begin to
heal those deeper triggers?
Speaker 3 (01:23):
Great question.
First, I want to speak aboutthis idea of trauma.
Right, most people don't wantto sit and talk about trauma.
It's one of those words thatpeople just want to avoid
altogether, like, no, I don'twant to go there when a trauma
has happened to you in general,right in your life.
It is something that mostpeople hide.
(01:44):
They they don't want to talkabout.
It's just one of those wordsthat people shy away from.
And so when you think abouttrauma and how it impacts anger,
it's possible that itabsolutely has impacted.
I want to start with an exampleof how this could possibly kind
of turn.
You think about trauma a lot oftimes.
It's about a loss of control,right?
(02:04):
So I don't know.
Let's say, you got into a hugefight when you were a kid and
now that fight left you hurt andbruised and you just remember
this fight when you were a kidand it just imprints on you,
this pain of this fight, right,anytime someone gets loud with
you, you know you're, you'remore of a freeze.
(02:25):
I don't want to move becauseI'm scared.
Right, anytime someone getsangry, you're in a fight mode
because you're thinking aboutthis fight from your kid, right?
So it could be either way, itcould be something completely
different.
But just give me that but iseveryone's very different?
But generally, when you thinkabout this idea of trauma, it is
not only printed Right, yourbrain is meant to protect you at
(02:47):
the end of the day, right, itis how it is wired.
Your brain is wired to protect.
And so if in that situation,when you were a kid, right, and
you were in this fight, you werewired to fight and that got you
out of it, or you were wired tofreeze and that got you out of
it, or you were wired to run andthat got you out of it, or you
were wired to run and that gotyou out of it, then your brain
(03:08):
said, all right, this thingright here protected you.
So let's say, because we'retalking about anger, fight.
Right, you fought your waythrough that situation and you
got out of it.
Right, great, so fightinghelped you get out of that
situation.
So now your brain says, okay,we're going to fight, we're
going to fight to protect you.
And so anytime you get intoanother situation and where you
(03:30):
feel threatened, now you go tofight, because your brain has
now said, hey, this worked inthe past.
Your brain continues to thinkthat through.
So, as you go through life andyou go through situations that
might be similar to thatsituation from your trauma, your
(03:52):
brain's going to react in thesame way because, hey, it's
helped you then, so it's goingto help you now.
However, how about when you getolder and you get into a
situation where you're at schooland you feel like your teacher
has threatened you?
Can you go fighting thisteacher in order to get your way
?
You'd be kicked out of school.
All types of things can happen,right, but our brain has
(04:14):
automatically said, hey,fighting has worked for you
before.
So what do you mean?
You can't fight now, and soyou're conflicting with your
automatic nervous systemprocesses, right, and so in
order to fix that, you have toregulate.
You have to understand thatthis is even happening to you.
In order to fix that, you haveto go back and kind of fix that
(04:35):
trauma from way back when, right, and all the times that it's
happened and it's continued toprove itself to be correct.
Because things that served youand protected you when you were
younger doesn't mean that theyserve and protect you now.
Younger doesn't mean that theyserve and protect you now.
And so oftentimes, with anger,right, people just automatically
(04:56):
fight, flight or freeze or fawn.
We've added fawn over the yearsfrom a trauma perspective.
But these ideas that this ishow people react and while one
of those things may have servedyou where fight may have served
you because I don't know, anger,threatening, whatever it was
that made you feel this way mayhave served you, is it going to
always serve you?
It's not, and if we don't goback and start to heal some of
(05:17):
those trauma wounds, we won'tever be able to fix it moving
forward.
So at what point do you decideto go talk to a therapist?
At what point do you decide Ineed a coach?
At what point do you decide togo talk to a therapist?
At what point do you decide Ineed a coach?
At what point do you decidethat maybe I need to heal my
inner child?
Right.
At what point do you decidethat you need to work on your
(05:40):
bodily awareness and emotion?
Right?
At what point do you say okay,I feel sweaty, I feel hot, I'm
noticing that these things aregoing on with me and so you have
to deal with your trauma inthat way because you're feeling
it throughout your body.
Right, you got to make thosedecisions so you can make those
changes, and without stopping tostart looking at that trauma
(06:03):
and how it impacted you.
Right, what they call liketrauma reaction.
Right, you're reacting fromyour trauma.
You're not reacting out ofwhat's going on right now in
your life.
You're reacting from somethingthat happened way back then and
you don't even recognize.
And so this is why you knowhear me say this over and over
and over and over Noticing is soimportant in the process.
Can I notice that this is thecase?
(06:25):
And then can I be honest enoughwith myself to say, yeah, every
time I get mad, I fightsomebody, right, every time I
get angry, this is what I'vebeen doing and it's proved to
work for me most of my life.
However, now that I'm an adult,or now that I'm in college, or
whatever that looks like nowthat you're older, does it still
serve you now, or is it justgetting you in trouble, right?
(06:46):
Does it still serve you now, oris it getting you fired from
jobs?
Does it serve you now or are itjust getting you in trouble,
right?
Does it still serve you now, oris it getting you fired from
jobs?
Does it serve you now, or areyou just feel like you're stuck
in a space, and so it'simportant that you really start
to stop and sit with yourselfand say, okay, thank you for
serving me back then, but I needto serve me now.
And what is the new way that Ican say that I can now move
(07:09):
forward?
When this happens, I need tostop.
When I feel the emotion,instead of just immediately
reacting, I need to focus onwhat this thing is that is
making me react so negatively orso such in a in a in a fight
way.
Right, you got to start workingwith somebody to start breaking
some of that down so that youcan stop trauma reacting.
(07:32):
Right, because every time youget mad or threatened or
whatever, the actual trauma isRight.
You can't go around doing thatsame thing because it's not
going to continue to serve youas an adult.
Maybe it protected you then andyou can honor that that the
young.
You did survive because of that.
You can still honor that Right.
Thank you to the younger methat helped me survive.
(07:54):
I appreciate you.
I Making sure that it's servingyou in your adulthood and as
you get older.
How can you change that to makeyourself the better person now?
Because if not, you're juststill acting like the same young
(08:14):
person that was back in thatfight a few years ago.
Right, and whatever the traumais, this is a similar pattern,
right, you'll find the pattern,but you got to find the pattern
in your life and what that lookslike.
You never go back and say I'mgoing to look at my trauma,
understand the patterns, thelies and things that I've told
myself about this pattern, howit is quote unquote, not helped
(08:35):
me.
What I've told all of thatmatters, right, and that's a lot
to sit with in one person bythemselves.
This is why people go totherapy.
This is why they get a coach,right, this is why you know the
work needs to be done.
But you got to be willing to sitwith yourself to do the work,
and that is the hardest part ofit, because nobody wants to sit
and cry and talk and think aboutthis old thing that happened
(08:58):
back then.
They feel like they've gottenover it.
They never oh, it's fine, Idon't worry about it, it's
nothing, okay.
No, you suppressed it.
Right, it's not.
Oh, it's fine, I don't worryabout it, it's not there, okay.
No, you suppressed it, right,it's not that it's fine, it's
just.
You're really good atsuppression.
So how can you, instead ofsuppressing and just feeling and
doing the same thing, feel andheal, all right, because that is
what's going to move us forward, that is when we get us to our
(09:20):
goals and move us in thedirection I want.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
It seems like everything starts with the
self-awareness.
If someone has a friend orfamily member that's not
self-aware, what is the onething that you can share to kind
of prompt that self-awareness?
Speaker 3 (09:44):
Prompting self-awareness.
I think it's something that youhave to be willing to do.
The first step is knowing thatyou got a problem right that age
old say it.
It really is that first step,that knowing you have a problem
if you are not willing to beself-aware.
I think that's part of theproblem.
You can't make someone else beself-aware.
You can tell them all day longyou are the problem and you are
(10:07):
the issue, and pointing fingersis not helpful, right?
If you're a family member andyou're dealing with someone that
has concerns or issues,pointing the finger is never
going to get them to beself-aware.
Inviting them to a meeting,inviting them to say, hey, I
know someone, would you like totalk to them about this?
You know, being empathetic,those things matter, right?
(10:29):
Those things knowing that, hey,I'm here to listen to you about
whatever and did not judgewhatever they say, just listen.
Right, because those thingsopen the doors for people to be
willing to start to talk.
People are never going to talkto you if they don't feel a
safety, right, and so if you cancreate a moment of peace, of
(10:50):
safety to someone else, thenthey're way more willing to
start having those conversationsand way more willing to then
become self-aware, but the wallwill be up until you know people
feel that safety around them.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Today we got a lot of good stuff on anger, managing
anger and how it relates totrauma.
I guess if you need more, yougot to reach out and get that
coach.
Demetria, get that Lifeline.
Okay, listen, demetria, love it.
You have a wonderful rest ofthe day.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
Thank you for tuning in to the Doves Inner Beauty
podcast, where we fosteremotional awareness, one
individual at a time.
For a complimentaryconsultation, visit
DovesInnerBeautycom or call336-298-6599.
That's 336-298-6599.
(11:48):
That's 336-298-6599.
Welcome to the Dove's Inner Beauty Podcast, where we
foster emotional awareness, oneindividual at a time.
Leading the way is DemetriaNickens, a certified mental
health first aid instructor andtrauma recovery coach with over
two decades of experience infostering emotional awareness in
others by engaging their mentalhealth awareness in others by
(00:30):
engaging their mental health.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Unresolved trauma can shape the way we experience
emotions, especially anger.
For many, anger becomes aprotective shield masking pain
that hasn't yet been addressed.
In this episode, we're going todiscuss the deep connection
between trauma and anger and howhealing from past wounds can
lead to greater emotionalbalance and peace.
(00:55):
Welcome back everyone.
This is Garfield Bourne,co-host slash producer, back in
the studio with coach DemetriaNickens.
Demetria, how's it going today?
Speaker 3 (01:06):
Going well so.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
Demetria, what role does unresolved trauma play in
how we experience and expressanger, and how can we begin to
heal those deeper triggers?
Speaker 3 (01:23):
Great question.
First, I want to speak aboutthis idea of trauma.
Right, most people don't wantto sit and talk about trauma.
It's one of those words thatpeople just want to avoid
altogether, like, no, I don'twant to go there when a trauma
has happened to you in general,right in your life.
It is something that mostpeople hide.
(01:44):
They they don't want to talkabout.
It's just one of those wordsthat people shy away from.
And so when you think abouttrauma and how it impacts anger,
it's possible that itabsolutely has impacted.
I want to start with an exampleof how this could possibly kind
of turn.
You think about trauma a lot oftimes.
It's about a loss of control,right?
(02:04):
So I don't know.
Let's say, you got into a hugefight when you were a kid and
now that fight left you hurt andbruised and you just remember
this fight when you were a kidand it just imprints on you,
this pain of this fight, right,anytime someone gets loud with
you, you know you're, you'remore of a freeze.
(02:25):
I don't want to move becauseI'm scared.
Right, anytime someone getsangry, you're in a fight mode
because you're thinking aboutthis fight from your kid, right?
So it could be either way, itcould be something completely
different.
But just give me that but iseveryone's very different?
But generally, when you thinkabout this idea of trauma, it is
not only printed Right, yourbrain is meant to protect you at
(02:47):
the end of the day, right, itis how it is wired.
Your brain is wired to protect.
And so if in that situation,when you were a kid, right, and
you were in this fight, you werewired to fight and that got you
out of it, or you were wired tofreeze and that got you out of
it, or you were wired to run andthat got you out of it, or you
were wired to run and that gotyou out of it, then your brain
(03:08):
said, all right, this thingright here protected you.
So let's say, because we'retalking about anger, fight.
Right, you fought your waythrough that situation and you
got out of it.
Right, great, so fightinghelped you get out of that
situation.
So now your brain says, okay,we're going to fight, we're
going to fight to protect you.
And so anytime you get intoanother situation and where you
(03:30):
feel threatened, now you go tofight, because your brain has
now said, hey, this worked inthe past.
Your brain continues to thinkthat through.
So, as you go through life andyou go through situations that
might be similar to thatsituation from your trauma, your
(03:52):
brain's going to react in thesame way because, hey, it's
helped you then, so it's goingto help you now.
However, how about when you getolder and you get into a
situation where you're at schooland you feel like your teacher
has threatened you?
Can you go fighting thisteacher in order to get your way
?
You'd be kicked out of school.
All types of things can happen,right, but our brain has
(04:14):
automatically said, hey,fighting has worked for you
before.
So what do you mean?
You can't fight now, and soyou're conflicting with your
automatic nervous systemprocesses, right, and so in
order to fix that, you have toregulate.
You have to understand thatthis is even happening to you.
In order to fix that, you haveto go back and kind of fix that
(04:35):
trauma from way back when, right, and all the times that it's
happened and it's continued toprove itself to be correct.
Because things that served youand protected you when you were
younger doesn't mean that theyserve and protect you now.
Younger doesn't mean that theyserve and protect you now.
And so oftentimes, with anger,right, people just automatically
(04:56):
fight, flight or freeze or fawn.
We've added fawn over the yearsfrom a trauma perspective.
But these ideas that this ishow people react and while one
of those things may have servedyou where fight may have served
you because I don't know, anger,threatening, whatever it was
that made you feel this way mayhave served you, is it going to
always serve you?
It's not, and if we don't goback and start to heal some of
(05:17):
those trauma wounds, we won'tever be able to fix it moving
forward.
So at what point do you decideto go talk to a therapist?
At what point do you decide Ineed a coach?
At what point do you decide togo talk to a therapist?
At what point do you decide Ineed a coach?
At what point do you decidethat maybe I need to heal my
inner child?
Right.
At what point do you decidethat you need to work on your
(05:40):
bodily awareness and emotion?
Right?
At what point do you say okay,I feel sweaty, I feel hot, I'm
noticing that these things aregoing on with me and so you have
to deal with your trauma inthat way because you're feeling
it throughout your body.
Right, you got to make thosedecisions so you can make those
changes, and without stopping tostart looking at that trauma
(06:03):
and how it impacted you.
Right, what they call liketrauma reaction.
Right, you're reacting fromyour trauma.
You're not reacting out ofwhat's going on right now in
your life.
You're reacting from somethingthat happened way back then and
you don't even recognize.
And so this is why you knowhear me say this over and over
and over and over Noticing is soimportant in the process.
Can I notice that this is thecase?
(06:25):
And then can I be honest enoughwith myself to say, yeah, every
time I get mad, I fightsomebody, right, every time I
get angry, this is what I'vebeen doing and it's proved to
work for me most of my life.
However, now that I'm an adult,or now that I'm in college, or
whatever that looks like nowthat you're older, does it still
serve you now, or is it justgetting you in trouble, right?
(06:46):
Does it still serve you now, oris it getting you fired from
jobs?
Does it serve you now or are itjust getting you in trouble,
right?
Does it still serve you now, oris it getting you fired from
jobs?
Does it serve you now, or areyou just feel like you're stuck
in a space, and so it'simportant that you really start
to stop and sit with yourselfand say, okay, thank you for
serving me back then, but I needto serve me now.
And what is the new way that Ican say that I can now move
(07:09):
forward?
When this happens, I need tostop.
When I feel the emotion,instead of just immediately
reacting, I need to focus onwhat this thing is that is
making me react so negatively orso such in a in a in a fight
way.
Right, you got to start workingwith somebody to start breaking
some of that down so that youcan stop trauma reacting.
(07:32):
Right, because every time youget mad or threatened or
whatever, the actual trauma isRight.
You can't go around doing thatsame thing because it's not
going to continue to serve youas an adult.
Maybe it protected you then andyou can honor that that the
young.
You did survive because of that.
You can still honor that Right.
Thank you to the younger methat helped me survive.
(07:54):
I appreciate you.
I Making sure that it's servingyou in your adulthood and as
you get older.
How can you change that to makeyourself the better person now?
Because if not, you're juststill acting like the same young
(08:14):
person that was back in thatfight a few years ago.
Right, and whatever the traumais, this is a similar pattern,
right, you'll find the pattern,but you got to find the pattern
in your life and what that lookslike.
You never go back and say I'mgoing to look at my trauma,
understand the patterns, thelies and things that I've told
myself about this pattern, howit is quote unquote, not helped
(08:35):
me.
What I've told all of thatmatters, right, and that's a lot
to sit with in one person bythemselves.
This is why people go totherapy.
This is why they get a coach,right, this is why you know the
work needs to be done.
But you got to be willing to sitwith yourself to do the work,
and that is the hardest part ofit, because nobody wants to sit
and cry and talk and think aboutthis old thing that happened
(08:58):
back then.
They feel like they've gottenover it.
They never oh, it's fine, Idon't worry about it, it's
nothing, okay.
No, you suppressed it.
Right, it's not.
Oh, it's fine, I don't worryabout it, it's not there, okay.
No, you suppressed it, right,it's not that it's fine, it's
just.
You're really good atsuppression.
So how can you, instead ofsuppressing and just feeling and
doing the same thing, feel andheal, all right, because that is
what's going to move us forward, that is when we get us to our
(09:20):
goals and move us in thedirection I want.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
It seems like everything starts with the
self-awareness.
If someone has a friend orfamily member that's not
self-aware, what is the onething that you can share to kind
of prompt that self-awareness?
Speaker 3 (09:44):
Prompting self-awareness.
I think it's something that youhave to be willing to do.
The first step is knowing thatyou got a problem right that age
old say it.
It really is that first step,that knowing you have a problem
if you are not willing to beself-aware.
I think that's part of theproblem.
You can't make someone else beself-aware.
You can tell them all day longyou are the problem and you are
(10:07):
the issue, and pointing fingersis not helpful, right?
If you're a family member andyou're dealing with someone that
has concerns or issues,pointing the finger is never
going to get them to beself-aware.
Inviting them to a meeting,inviting them to say, hey, I
know someone, would you like totalk to them about this?
You know, being empathetic,those things matter, right?
(10:29):
Those things knowing that, hey,I'm here to listen to you about
whatever and did not judgewhatever they say, just listen.
Right, because those thingsopen the doors for people to be
willing to start to talk.
People are never going to talkto you if they don't feel a
safety, right, and so if you cancreate a moment of peace, of
(10:50):
safety to someone else, thenthey're way more willing to
start having those conversationsand way more willing to then
become self-aware, but the wallwill be up until you know people
feel that safety around them.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Today we got a lot of good stuff on anger, managing
anger and how it relates totrauma.
I guess if you need more, yougot to reach out and get that
coach.
Demetria, get that Lifeline.
Okay, listen, demetria, love it.
You have a wonderful rest ofthe day.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
Thank you for tuning in to the Doves Inner Beauty
podcast, where we fosteremotional awareness, one
individual at a time.
For a complimentaryconsultation, visit
DovesInnerBeautycom or call336-298-6599.
That's 336-298-6599.
(11:48):
That's 336-298-6599.
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