May 13, 2025 • 22 mins
Get the PDF of Amy Young's The Wide Spectrum of Mothering
How do you feel about Mother's Day?
I have always been part of churches that sought to celebrate mothers. Honoring the women in our midst for the brave and difficult work of mothering is right and beautiful!
But it’s not that simple.
Mother’s Day has been a complicated holiday for many women. So much so, that they stay home from church on that day.
This year, I read a piece by Amy Young at the beginning of our service—words that acknowledged both the joy and the ache this day can carry. It resonated deeply with so many women, I decided to share it on the podcast.
Whether you love Mother’s Day or find it painful (or somewhere in between), I pray you’ll find today’s episode encouraging and insightful.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This past Sunday was Mother's Day.
Now, I've been a part ofchurches that traditionally
sought to celebrate and honormothers, which is a beautiful
thing to do.
Honoring the women in our midstfor the brave and difficult
work of mothering is right andbeautiful.
But it's not that simple.
Mother's Day has been acomplicated holiday for many
(00:23):
women, so much so I've knownthem to stay home from church on
that day.
This year I read a beautifulpiece written by Amy Young at
the beginning of our service.
It resonated with so many womenthat I decided to talk about it
here on the podcast.
Whether you love Mother's Dayor loathe it, I think you'll
(00:43):
find today's episode encouragingand insightful, no matter what
your mothering journey lookslike.
Thank you.
(01:52):
To say Mother's Day iscomplicated is an understatement
.
I'm a word person.
I love to write and speak, Ilove to read and do research,
and I know our words arepowerful.
So when I hear sayings likehappy Mother's Day being spoken
to those who are in very painfulsituations, something in me
(02:14):
just kind of squirms Like we'rebeing disingenuous or
inadvertently pouring salt intowounds that we don't even know
exist.
And it's not just Mother's Day.
I feel the same way whenbirthdays roll around when I
know someone is in a season ofsuffering, and then we just
shoot them a happy birthday textor post it on their Facebook
(02:36):
page.
And maybe I'm being overlysensitive or dramatic, but I
want to let that person knowthat they are seen and
celebrated.
At the same time, I don't wantto minimize their experience
with a trite happy birthday.
So I've begun to send out abirthday prayer.
I'll send a text that sayssomething like I pray this year.
(02:59):
You feel the nearness of Jesus,you experience his hope, peace,
joy and love in new andbeautiful ways.
You are loved, or I love you,depending on my relationship
with that person.
But I find it hard to say happybirthday when I know somebody
is in a really painful season,and you might think that's just
(03:20):
semantics, but I want my peopleto know that they are seen and
celebrated, even if their lifeis anything but happy.
In a similar way, mother's Dayseems to be one of those
holidays which brings our woundsto the surface.
For a culture that seems todevalue motherhood in favor of
all the other things that womencan be doing, motherhood remains
(03:43):
a core longing for most women.
We feel it in our bodies.
Like every month, we have areminder that we were created to
bear life, and for so many whocannot conceive or who have
experienced loss throughmiscarriage or stillbirth, or
for those who've never marriedand never been given the
(04:04):
opportunity to bear children,mother's Day can feel like a
painful reminder of unfulfilledlongings.
In scripture we see so manystories of women who desperately
long for children Sarah, whosebarrenness, even after God
promised a child, led her toforce her slave to sleep with
(04:24):
her husband and that didn't turnout real well.
Rebecca, isaac's wife, racheland Leah, whose rivalry revolved
around who could produce moresons for Jacob.
Hannah, who was tormented byher husband's second wife, who
was able to bear children andrubbed it in her face that she
was not.
Elizabeth, whose barrenness wasa source of shame and reproach.
(04:48):
We see in these women thelonging that is reflected in our
hearts In other episodes.
I've talked here and there aboutmy own motherhood journey and
I've told my story before, but Ithink sometimes when I tell my
story it can almost sound like aand they lived happily ever
(05:09):
after tale.
But becoming a mother was justthe beginning of my story.
Some of you might be familiarwith it, but even if you are,
I'd like to share a little bitmore about what motherhood has
looked like for me.
When Greg and I got married in1994, we decided we were going
to wait a year before trying toget pregnant.
(05:30):
We assumed it would be reallysimple, because the women in my
family don't seem to have anytrouble producing babies.
But that was not our story.
We tried for several years, andwhen I say tried, I mean we
tracked ovulation, we did thetemperature charts, we scheduled
sex.
We went to a specialist whodiagnosed us with unexplained
(05:54):
infertility.
We looked around at everyoneelse who seemed to make
pregnancy look so easy.
We're like what's wrong with us?
It was at that time when Ibegan to realize how painful
Mother's Day can actually be.
We looked at our options.
We could not afford infertilitytreatments and we honestly,
(06:14):
just for us personally, didn'tfeel like that was the right
route to go.
We really believed that God wasleading us to begin our family
through adoption, but wecouldn't afford that either.
Step one was always fill outthis application and send us
$2,000, $5,000, $10,000.
We didn't have that.
(06:34):
And then God brought us to achurch in Florida where our lead
pastor told us about an agencyin New Hampshire that had a
heart for helping pastors orpeople in ministry with adoption
.
So Greg called them and a monthlater they called him back.
Now, mind you, we had not giventhe agency any money, we had
(06:56):
not filled out an application,we hadn't done a home study.
To this day I have never spokento anyone at that agency.
But when they called Greg back,they said we have these twins.
They were adopted from Romaniaand they're living with a family
who had begun the adoptionprocess but came to the
(07:16):
conclusion that God broughtthese kids over to the US for
somebody else, and preferably apastor's family.
Now I have since learned thatthis is called disruption and
it's actually a really commonoccurrence with adoptions.
But the way God linedeverything up was nothing short
of miraculous.
That family with those twins.
(07:38):
They were living in New Jersey,right by my parents' house.
I was able to fly up there andmeet them and bring them to my
parents' home.
Let me just give you a timelineso you can understand how crazy
our story is.
We moved to Florida in February.
We called an adoption agency inMarch.
They called us back in April.
(08:00):
I flew up to New Jersey in Mayand we brought the kids home in
June While I was in New Jerseyis when we actually filled out
the application.
It's an amazing story, but it'sreally just the beginning.
I was 25 years old.
Isabella and Alex, our twins,had spent the first 18 months of
(08:21):
their life in a Romanianorphanage.
We later learned a lot abouttheir family of origin.
They are actually the youngestof nine children, one of whom
was also adopted out into theUnited States.
Their father was a shepherd,but he was not a good man.
Their birth mother's pregnancywas fraught with abuse and she
(08:44):
died shortly after giving birth.
They were in a Romanianorphanage from the time they
were born until they were 18months old.
Then they were brought to theUS by another family who they
lived with for eight months, whohad four children of their own
under the age of six, and thenthey came to us.
(09:05):
So, by the age of two, theirlittle lives had been riddled
with trauma and I'll remind you,I was 25 years old.
I knew nothing about trauma orparenting or much of anything
for that matter, but we tookthem home and we loved them the
best that we could.
I had finally become a mother,and still there was this deep
(09:33):
longing in my heart to givebirth.
So about a year later, greg andI went to an iridologist, which
is kind of like reflexology forthe eyes.
The theory is that all of thenerve endings in your body are
connected to your iris and sothey can look at different parts
of your eye and they can tellyou what's wrong.
Look at different parts of youreye and they can tell you
(09:58):
what's wrong.
Well, they told us that we hada weak reproductive system and
they put us on a bunch of herbsand they told us no white bread,
no red meat, no processed foods.
We were only to eat real foodand organic when possible.
And Greg said I will do thisfor six months.
Greg, by the way, is the kingof Oreos and ice cream, but he
(10:20):
said I'll try this for sixmonths.
And the doctor the iridologistsaid you'll know in three to
four months if this is going towork for you.
And in three and a half monthsI was pregnant with Brie.
Now, ultimately, I believe Godopened my womb, but I think he
used some of those things tohelp with that process.
When Bree was eight months old,I was nursing her and I felt
(10:43):
like my milk was drying up and Iwas like what's wrong.
And I found out I was pregnant.
Now I had had Bree at abirthing center and so I was
going back there for thispregnancy and I had told the
midwife about halfway into thepregnancy.
I'm like sitting on the couchone night.
I'm like I feel like there'stwo heads in here.
(11:03):
I called my midwife and she'slike oh no, she's like the
baby's just lying sideways.
You're feeling their head andtheir butt.
It's not two babies.
So I was like, okay, I justbelieved her and we went away on
vacation and we kept postponingour ultrasound.
We were just in no rush.
So at 28 weeks I had my firstultrasound and Greg had come
(11:27):
with me and the first thing thetech said was did she hear two
heartbeats?
And we just looked at eachother and started laughing.
We're like you have got to begetting me.
And she's like well, I see twobabies in there, and that was
Caleb and Gabrielle.
So we went from undiagnosedinfertility to adoption to five
(11:51):
children in three and a halfyears.
Overwhelm was my new MO.
The old ladies at our churchwould walk by me and be like, oh
, you're so sweet, look at yourprecious family.
And I was like, um, no, I needhelp.
And somebody around here isgoing to get hurt.
(12:11):
Did I love being a mother?
Yes, was I thrilled to havechildren, of course, and also I
had turned into someone I didn'trecognize.
I was always overwhelmed, I wasangry.
I would scream at theseprecious little people that were
all around me all the time.
(12:33):
I would say things like no morequestions, you have reached
your question limit for the day,or I'd say I just want everyone
to stop touching me.
I loved my kids.
I really did, and I did thebest I could.
But, as every mom knows, wedon't know what we're doing.
We're figuring it out as we go,and so our kids grew and they
(12:57):
are now amazing adults and theyhave struggles of their own.
And do I wish I could go backand do a million things
differently?
Yes, because motherhood wasn'tall snuggles on the couch and
popsicles and beach days andbedtime stories Though it was
those things.
It was also exhaustion and rageand out-of-body experiences
(13:19):
where I looked at myself andwondered who is this monster and
where did she come from andwhat is wrong with her.
The parenting books we had werelimited, but I latched onto
them.
I was like somebody tell mewhat to do.
There were some really goodthings that we learned and some
really terrible things, and nowmy kids have to work through
(13:42):
their own childhood issues andwounds.
This week, we've had one of mydaughters in town and we were
talking about mothering.
She's not a mother yet, but shewas expressing appreciation for
me and also letting me knowthat it's time for me to let go.
Incidentally, greg was justtelling me the same thing.
(14:02):
He's like Teresa you need toopen your hands, pry your
fingers open and let your adultkids be the adults that they are
.
And you know what that's hard.
Mothering is hard because youlove your kids with every fiber
of your being and they have thecapacity to break your heart
(14:24):
into a million pieces.
We had one of our kids cut uscompletely out of their life for
an entire year.
We've had another one of ourkids tell us all the things we
did wrong as parents Granted.
That child has also come backand thanked us for all the
things we did right.
But motherhood, like everythingelse in this broken world, is
(14:46):
always a combination of joy andsorrow, of highs and lows, of
beauty and pain.
And this is unavoidable because, as I say often on this podcast
, we live after the fall.
In Genesis 3, 16, god isspeaking to the woman.
This is just after they sinnedand he said he's pronouncing a
(15:08):
curse and he says I will makeyour pains and childbearing very
severe.
With painful labor, you willgive birth to children.
Now there were two majorconsequences for the woman after
the fall.
One is pain and childbearingand the other is your desire
(15:30):
will be for your husband and hewill rule over you.
Your desire will be for yourhusband and he will rule over
you, because when God createdman and woman in Genesis 1, he
issued a command to both of themto have dominion over the earth
, and I really believe that thatco-rulership was distorted
during the fall.
I think the oppression of womenwas a direct result of the
curse, but that is a podcast foranother day.
(15:55):
I want to go back to that firstconsequence, pain and
childbearing, because I thinksometimes we kind of relegate
that to labor pain.
We're like, oh, it's Eve'sfault that we have pain when we
give birth.
But that word pain is so muchmore nuanced.
It literally means sorrow orworrisomeness.
It's relational pain, it'sfamilial pain.
(16:19):
You know, yeah, we can get anepidural.
We can think, oh, we haveoutsmarted God.
But every mother knows that thepain of mothering extends way
beyond labor.
And then I have so many friendswhose stories have turned out
nothing like mine, friends whodesperately long to become
(16:40):
mothers but haven't been able to, some because they could never
conceive, some after losingmultiple babies through
miscarriage, some who wanted tomarry and raise a family but
didn't.
For these friends and so manyothers, they have to wrestle
with the definition of womanhoodthat is celebrated on Mother's
(17:02):
Day, and I don't want todiminish the good, beautiful,
noble work of mothering.
I think it needs to becelebrated, celebrated.
And also I don't want to makethe women who haven't had that
opportunity ever feel likethey're less than or that they
can't measure up to theidealized image of what it means
(17:22):
to be a woman.
And to my friends who haveexperienced the loss of children
, the rejection of children, thedeath of children, I want to
acknowledge the grief of thosepainful realities.
Typically in churches we honormothers on Mother's Day, which
can be a beautiful, lovelygesture, but the well-meaning
(17:45):
stand if you have one child,stand if you have two children,
stand if you have the oldestchild, if you have the youngest
child have inadvertently leftthe women seated beside us
feeling alienated and wounded.
I have known many friends whohave not come to church on
Mother's Day for this reason.
So this year we wanted to dosomething different.
(18:07):
We want to honor mothers, butwe also want to acknowledge the
wide spectrum of mothering.
So I read this beautiful piecethat I found on Amy Young's
website, called the Messy Middle, and you know I would love a
blog with a title like that.
This piece resonated with somany women because I think it
(18:30):
said to every woman present wesee you, we acknowledge you, we
honor your story.
So, whether your relationshipto Mother's Day is filled with
joy or pain, whether it bringslaughter or tears, whether you
feel satisfaction or longingtoday, and honestly, most of us,
(18:52):
no matter what our story is,are holding all of those things
at the same time, but by God'sgrace, he is holding us, no
matter what season we're in.
So I'm going to close byreading Amy's beautiful words.
I have attached a link to Amy'soriginal post and also a PDF of
(19:12):
what I'm reading, because Iadded a few extra lines which
were not in her original post.
Oh, if you're on my email list,I've already sent you the PDF
and the link to the originalpost, and if you're not on my
email list and you want to getan email that you actually love
to open each week, you can signup for that in the show notes.
(19:33):
And now the Wide Spectrum ofMothering by Amy Young.
To those who gave birth thisyear we celebrate with you.
To those who lost a child.
We mourn with you To those whoare in the trenches with little
ones every day and wear thebadge of food stains.
(19:55):
We appreciate you.
To those who experienced lossthrough miscarriage, failed
adoptions or running away.
We mourn with you To those whowalk the hard path of
infertility, fraught with pokes,prods, tears and disappointment
.
We walk with you.
Forgive us when we say foolishthings.
(20:18):
We don't mean to make thisharder than it is.
To those who are adoptive momswe champion you.
To those who are foster moms,mentor moms and spiritual moms
we need you.
To those who have warm andclose relationships with your
children we celebrate with youTo those who have warm and close
relationships with yourchildren.
We celebrate with you To thosewho have disappointment,
(20:40):
heartache and distance with yourchildren.
We sit with you.
To those who are raising yourchildren's children we support
you.
To those who lost their mothersthis year.
We grieve with you.
To those who experienced abuseat the hand of your mother.
We acknowledge your pain.
To those who have abortedchildren we remember them and
(21:04):
you on this day.
To those who are waiting for aprodigal to return, we pray with
you.
To those who are single andlong to be married and mothering
your own children.
We mourn that life has notturned out the way you longed
for it to be.
To those who step-parent wewalk with you on these complex
(21:26):
paths.
To those who envisionedlavishing love on your
grandchildren, yet that dream isnot to be.
We grieve with you.
To those who will have emptiernests in the upcoming year, we
grieve and rejoice with you.
And to those who are pregnantwith new life, both expected and
(21:46):
surprising.
We anticipate with you thisMother's Day.
We walk with you.
Mothering is not for the faintof heart and we have real
warriors in our midst.
We remember you, lord.
I want to lift up all of mysisters right now those who are
(22:09):
grieving and those who arerejoicing, those who have
experienced the joy of givingbirth and those who have
experienced the pain of notbeing able to bear children.
I pray that your grace wouldcover it all, that you would
hold us, keep us together, makeus sensitive to one another,
(22:32):
help us to love and support eachother, no matter our stories.
Lord, we thank you that you area good God, that you are
sovereign and working all thingsaccording to your purposes,
even when we don't understandthem.
I pray that each womanlistening would feel seen and
loved by you In Jesus' name amen.
(22:54):
Thanks for hanging out with metoday on Find Hope here.
To find anything I mentioned onthe episode, go to
TeresaWhitingcom slash listen,which is where you can find the
show notes.
One last thing If you know awoman who would appreciate
today's episode, would you takejust a second and share it with
(23:15):
her?
That's one way you can partnerwith me to spread hope.
In closing, I want to leave youwith this prayer from Romans 15
, 13.
May the God of hope fill youwith all joy and peace in
believing, so that, by the powerof the Holy Spirit, you may
(23:36):
abound in hope.
This past Sunday was Mother's Day.
Now, I've been a part ofchurches that traditionally
sought to celebrate and honormothers, which is a beautiful
thing to do.
Honoring the women in our midstfor the brave and difficult
work of mothering is right andbeautiful.
But it's not that simple.
Mother's Day has been acomplicated holiday for many
(00:23):
women, so much so I've knownthem to stay home from church on
that day.
This year I read a beautifulpiece written by Amy Young at
the beginning of our service.
It resonated with so many womenthat I decided to talk about it
here on the podcast.
Whether you love Mother's Dayor loathe it, I think you'll
(00:43):
find today's episode encouragingand insightful, no matter what
your mothering journey lookslike.
Thank you.
(01:52):
To say Mother's Day iscomplicated is an understatement
.
I'm a word person.
I love to write and speak, Ilove to read and do research,
and I know our words arepowerful.
So when I hear sayings likehappy Mother's Day being spoken
to those who are in very painfulsituations, something in me
(02:14):
just kind of squirms Like we'rebeing disingenuous or
inadvertently pouring salt intowounds that we don't even know
exist.
And it's not just Mother's Day.
I feel the same way whenbirthdays roll around when I
know someone is in a season ofsuffering, and then we just
shoot them a happy birthday textor post it on their Facebook
(02:36):
page.
And maybe I'm being overlysensitive or dramatic, but I
want to let that person knowthat they are seen and
celebrated.
At the same time, I don't wantto minimize their experience
with a trite happy birthday.
So I've begun to send out abirthday prayer.
I'll send a text that sayssomething like I pray this year.
(02:59):
You feel the nearness of Jesus,you experience his hope, peace,
joy and love in new andbeautiful ways.
You are loved, or I love you,depending on my relationship
with that person.
But I find it hard to say happybirthday when I know somebody
is in a really painful season,and you might think that's just
(03:20):
semantics, but I want my peopleto know that they are seen and
celebrated, even if their lifeis anything but happy.
In a similar way, mother's Dayseems to be one of those
holidays which brings our woundsto the surface.
For a culture that seems todevalue motherhood in favor of
all the other things that womencan be doing, motherhood remains
(03:43):
a core longing for most women.
We feel it in our bodies.
Like every month, we have areminder that we were created to
bear life, and for so many whocannot conceive or who have
experienced loss throughmiscarriage or stillbirth, or
for those who've never marriedand never been given the
(04:04):
opportunity to bear children,mother's Day can feel like a
painful reminder of unfulfilledlongings.
In scripture we see so manystories of women who desperately
long for children Sarah, whosebarrenness, even after God
promised a child, led her toforce her slave to sleep with
(04:24):
her husband and that didn't turnout real well.
Rebecca, isaac's wife, racheland Leah, whose rivalry revolved
around who could produce moresons for Jacob.
Hannah, who was tormented byher husband's second wife, who
was able to bear children andrubbed it in her face that she
was not.
Elizabeth, whose barrenness wasa source of shame and reproach.
(04:48):
We see in these women thelonging that is reflected in our
hearts In other episodes.
I've talked here and there aboutmy own motherhood journey and
I've told my story before, but Ithink sometimes when I tell my
story it can almost sound like aand they lived happily ever
(05:09):
after tale.
But becoming a mother was justthe beginning of my story.
Some of you might be familiarwith it, but even if you are,
I'd like to share a little bitmore about what motherhood has
looked like for me.
When Greg and I got married in1994, we decided we were going
to wait a year before trying toget pregnant.
(05:30):
We assumed it would be reallysimple, because the women in my
family don't seem to have anytrouble producing babies.
But that was not our story.
We tried for several years, andwhen I say tried, I mean we
tracked ovulation, we did thetemperature charts, we scheduled
sex.
We went to a specialist whodiagnosed us with unexplained
(05:54):
infertility.
We looked around at everyoneelse who seemed to make
pregnancy look so easy.
We're like what's wrong with us?
It was at that time when Ibegan to realize how painful
Mother's Day can actually be.
We looked at our options.
We could not afford infertilitytreatments and we honestly,
(06:14):
just for us personally, didn'tfeel like that was the right
route to go.
We really believed that God wasleading us to begin our family
through adoption, but wecouldn't afford that either.
Step one was always fill outthis application and send us
$2,000, $5,000, $10,000.
We didn't have that.
(06:34):
And then God brought us to achurch in Florida where our lead
pastor told us about an agencyin New Hampshire that had a
heart for helping pastors orpeople in ministry with adoption
.
So Greg called them and a monthlater they called him back.
Now, mind you, we had not giventhe agency any money, we had
(06:56):
not filled out an application,we hadn't done a home study.
To this day I have never spokento anyone at that agency.
But when they called Greg back,they said we have these twins.
They were adopted from Romaniaand they're living with a family
who had begun the adoptionprocess but came to the
(07:16):
conclusion that God broughtthese kids over to the US for
somebody else, and preferably apastor's family.
Now I have since learned thatthis is called disruption and
it's actually a really commonoccurrence with adoptions.
But the way God linedeverything up was nothing short
of miraculous.
That family with those twins.
(07:38):
They were living in New Jersey,right by my parents' house.
I was able to fly up there andmeet them and bring them to my
parents' home.
Let me just give you a timelineso you can understand how crazy
our story is.
We moved to Florida in February.
We called an adoption agency inMarch.
They called us back in April.
(08:00):
I flew up to New Jersey in Mayand we brought the kids home in
June While I was in New Jerseyis when we actually filled out
the application.
It's an amazing story, but it'sreally just the beginning.
I was 25 years old.
Isabella and Alex, our twins,had spent the first 18 months of
(08:21):
their life in a Romanianorphanage.
We later learned a lot abouttheir family of origin.
They are actually the youngestof nine children, one of whom
was also adopted out into theUnited States.
Their father was a shepherd,but he was not a good man.
Their birth mother's pregnancywas fraught with abuse and she
(08:44):
died shortly after giving birth.
They were in a Romanianorphanage from the time they
were born until they were 18months old.
Then they were brought to theUS by another family who they
lived with for eight months, whohad four children of their own
under the age of six, and thenthey came to us.
(09:05):
So, by the age of two, theirlittle lives had been riddled
with trauma and I'll remind you,I was 25 years old.
I knew nothing about trauma orparenting or much of anything
for that matter, but we tookthem home and we loved them the
best that we could.
I had finally become a mother,and still there was this deep
(09:33):
longing in my heart to givebirth.
So about a year later, greg andI went to an iridologist, which
is kind of like reflexology forthe eyes.
The theory is that all of thenerve endings in your body are
connected to your iris and sothey can look at different parts
of your eye and they can tellyou what's wrong.
Look at different parts of youreye and they can tell you
(09:58):
what's wrong.
Well, they told us that we hada weak reproductive system and
they put us on a bunch of herbsand they told us no white bread,
no red meat, no processed foods.
We were only to eat real foodand organic when possible.
And Greg said I will do thisfor six months.
Greg, by the way, is the kingof Oreos and ice cream, but he
(10:20):
said I'll try this for sixmonths.
And the doctor the iridologistsaid you'll know in three to
four months if this is going towork for you.
And in three and a half monthsI was pregnant with Brie.
Now, ultimately, I believe Godopened my womb, but I think he
used some of those things tohelp with that process.
When Bree was eight months old,I was nursing her and I felt
(10:43):
like my milk was drying up and Iwas like what's wrong.
And I found out I was pregnant.
Now I had had Bree at abirthing center and so I was
going back there for thispregnancy and I had told the
midwife about halfway into thepregnancy.
I'm like sitting on the couchone night.
I'm like I feel like there'stwo heads in here.
(11:03):
I called my midwife and she'slike oh no, she's like the
baby's just lying sideways.
You're feeling their head andtheir butt.
It's not two babies.
So I was like, okay, I justbelieved her and we went away on
vacation and we kept postponingour ultrasound.
We were just in no rush.
So at 28 weeks I had my firstultrasound and Greg had come
(11:27):
with me and the first thing thetech said was did she hear two
heartbeats?
And we just looked at eachother and started laughing.
We're like you have got to begetting me.
And she's like well, I see twobabies in there, and that was
Caleb and Gabrielle.
So we went from undiagnosedinfertility to adoption to five
(11:51):
children in three and a halfyears.
Overwhelm was my new MO.
The old ladies at our churchwould walk by me and be like, oh
, you're so sweet, look at yourprecious family.
And I was like, um, no, I needhelp.
And somebody around here isgoing to get hurt.
(12:11):
Did I love being a mother?
Yes, was I thrilled to havechildren, of course, and also I
had turned into someone I didn'trecognize.
I was always overwhelmed, I wasangry.
I would scream at theseprecious little people that were
all around me all the time.
(12:33):
I would say things like no morequestions, you have reached
your question limit for the day,or I'd say I just want everyone
to stop touching me.
I loved my kids.
I really did, and I did thebest I could.
But, as every mom knows, wedon't know what we're doing.
We're figuring it out as we go,and so our kids grew and they
(12:57):
are now amazing adults and theyhave struggles of their own.
And do I wish I could go backand do a million things
differently?
Yes, because motherhood wasn'tall snuggles on the couch and
popsicles and beach days andbedtime stories Though it was
those things.
It was also exhaustion and rageand out-of-body experiences
(13:19):
where I looked at myself andwondered who is this monster and
where did she come from andwhat is wrong with her.
The parenting books we had werelimited, but I latched onto
them.
I was like somebody tell mewhat to do.
There were some really goodthings that we learned and some
really terrible things, and nowmy kids have to work through
(13:42):
their own childhood issues andwounds.
This week, we've had one of mydaughters in town and we were
talking about mothering.
She's not a mother yet, but shewas expressing appreciation for
me and also letting me knowthat it's time for me to let go.
Incidentally, greg was justtelling me the same thing.
(14:02):
He's like Teresa you need toopen your hands, pry your
fingers open and let your adultkids be the adults that they are
.
And you know what that's hard.
Mothering is hard because youlove your kids with every fiber
of your being and they have thecapacity to break your heart
(14:24):
into a million pieces.
We had one of our kids cut uscompletely out of their life for
an entire year.
We've had another one of ourkids tell us all the things we
did wrong as parents Granted.
That child has also come backand thanked us for all the
things we did right.
But motherhood, like everythingelse in this broken world, is
(14:46):
always a combination of joy andsorrow, of highs and lows, of
beauty and pain.
And this is unavoidable because, as I say often on this podcast
, we live after the fall.
In Genesis 3, 16, god isspeaking to the woman.
This is just after they sinnedand he said he's pronouncing a
(15:08):
curse and he says I will makeyour pains and childbearing very
severe.
With painful labor, you willgive birth to children.
Now there were two majorconsequences for the woman after
the fall.
One is pain and childbearingand the other is your desire
(15:30):
will be for your husband and hewill rule over you.
Your desire will be for yourhusband and he will rule over
you, because when God createdman and woman in Genesis 1, he
issued a command to both of themto have dominion over the earth
, and I really believe that thatco-rulership was distorted
during the fall.
I think the oppression of womenwas a direct result of the
curse, but that is a podcast foranother day.
(15:55):
I want to go back to that firstconsequence, pain and
childbearing, because I thinksometimes we kind of relegate
that to labor pain.
We're like, oh, it's Eve'sfault that we have pain when we
give birth.
But that word pain is so muchmore nuanced.
It literally means sorrow orworrisomeness.
It's relational pain, it'sfamilial pain.
(16:19):
You know, yeah, we can get anepidural.
We can think, oh, we haveoutsmarted God.
But every mother knows that thepain of mothering extends way
beyond labor.
And then I have so many friendswhose stories have turned out
nothing like mine, friends whodesperately long to become
(16:40):
mothers but haven't been able to, some because they could never
conceive, some after losingmultiple babies through
miscarriage, some who wanted tomarry and raise a family but
didn't.
For these friends and so manyothers, they have to wrestle
with the definition of womanhoodthat is celebrated on Mother's
(17:02):
Day, and I don't want todiminish the good, beautiful,
noble work of mothering.
I think it needs to becelebrated, celebrated.
And also I don't want to makethe women who haven't had that
opportunity ever feel likethey're less than or that they
can't measure up to theidealized image of what it means
(17:22):
to be a woman.
And to my friends who haveexperienced the loss of children
, the rejection of children, thedeath of children, I want to
acknowledge the grief of thosepainful realities.
Typically in churches we honormothers on Mother's Day, which
can be a beautiful, lovelygesture, but the well-meaning
(17:45):
stand if you have one child,stand if you have two children,
stand if you have the oldestchild, if you have the youngest
child have inadvertently leftthe women seated beside us
feeling alienated and wounded.
I have known many friends whohave not come to church on
Mother's Day for this reason.
So this year we wanted to dosomething different.
(18:07):
We want to honor mothers, butwe also want to acknowledge the
wide spectrum of mothering.
So I read this beautiful piecethat I found on Amy Young's
website, called the Messy Middle, and you know I would love a
blog with a title like that.
This piece resonated with somany women because I think it
(18:30):
said to every woman present wesee you, we acknowledge you, we
honor your story.
So, whether your relationshipto Mother's Day is filled with
joy or pain, whether it bringslaughter or tears, whether you
feel satisfaction or longingtoday, and honestly, most of us,
(18:52):
no matter what our story is,are holding all of those things
at the same time, but by God'sgrace, he is holding us, no
matter what season we're in.
So I'm going to close byreading Amy's beautiful words.
I have attached a link to Amy'soriginal post and also a PDF of
(19:12):
what I'm reading, because Iadded a few extra lines which
were not in her original post.
Oh, if you're on my email list,I've already sent you the PDF
and the link to the originalpost, and if you're not on my
email list and you want to getan email that you actually love
to open each week, you can signup for that in the show notes.
(19:33):
And now the Wide Spectrum ofMothering by Amy Young.
To those who gave birth thisyear we celebrate with you.
To those who lost a child.
We mourn with you To those whoare in the trenches with little
ones every day and wear thebadge of food stains.
(19:55):
We appreciate you.
To those who experienced lossthrough miscarriage, failed
adoptions or running away.
We mourn with you To those whowalk the hard path of
infertility, fraught with pokes,prods, tears and disappointment
.
We walk with you.
Forgive us when we say foolishthings.
(20:18):
We don't mean to make thisharder than it is.
To those who are adoptive momswe champion you.
To those who are foster moms,mentor moms and spiritual moms
we need you.
To those who have warm andclose relationships with your
children we celebrate with youTo those who have warm and close
relationships with yourchildren.
We celebrate with you To thosewho have disappointment,
(20:40):
heartache and distance with yourchildren.
We sit with you.
To those who are raising yourchildren's children we support
you.
To those who lost their mothersthis year.
We grieve with you.
To those who experienced abuseat the hand of your mother.
We acknowledge your pain.
To those who have abortedchildren we remember them and
(21:04):
you on this day.
To those who are waiting for aprodigal to return, we pray with
you.
To those who are single andlong to be married and mothering
your own children.
We mourn that life has notturned out the way you longed
for it to be.
To those who step-parent wewalk with you on these complex
(21:26):
paths.
To those who envisionedlavishing love on your
grandchildren, yet that dream isnot to be.
We grieve with you.
To those who will have emptiernests in the upcoming year, we
grieve and rejoice with you.
And to those who are pregnantwith new life, both expected and
(21:46):
surprising.
We anticipate with you thisMother's Day.
We walk with you.
Mothering is not for the faintof heart and we have real
warriors in our midst.
We remember you, lord.
I want to lift up all of mysisters right now those who are
(22:09):
grieving and those who arerejoicing, those who have
experienced the joy of givingbirth and those who have
experienced the pain of notbeing able to bear children.
I pray that your grace wouldcover it all, that you would
hold us, keep us together, makeus sensitive to one another,
(22:32):
help us to love and support eachother, no matter our stories.
Lord, we thank you that you area good God, that you are
sovereign and working all thingsaccording to your purposes,
even when we don't understandthem.
I pray that each womanlistening would feel seen and
loved by you In Jesus' name amen.
(22:54):
Thanks for hanging out with metoday on Find Hope here.
To find anything I mentioned onthe episode, go to
TeresaWhitingcom slash listen,which is where you can find the
show notes.
One last thing If you know awoman who would appreciate
today's episode, would you takejust a second and share it with
(23:15):
her?
That's one way you can partnerwith me to spread hope.
In closing, I want to leave youwith this prayer from Romans 15
, 13.
May the God of hope fill youwith all joy and peace in
believing, so that, by the powerof the Holy Spirit, you may
(23:36):
abound in hope.
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