January 21, 2020 • 38 mins
Episode 8 of Focus on the Future highlights the importance of building friendship within the community. Guest Angela Amado shares her knowledge on the importance of building lasting friendships and relationships with people with disabilities. Angela suggests that valuing what people with disabilities bring to the table is a great way to form lasting relationships with them. She also stresses the importance of creating friendships between people with disabilities and people without disabilities. In this episode Angela and Allycia have a conversation about how and why to form friendships in and out of the disability community.
About Angela Amado
Angela Amado has promoted person-centered approaches and social inclusion throughout her 40+ year career. She has worked both across the United States and around the world, teaching and training. Most recently, Amado was with the University of Minnesota's Institute on Community Integration (ICI).
About Focus on the Future
You can find more information about Focus on the Future at arcminnesota.org/podcast. If Episode 8 inspired a question for an Arc Advocate, call The Arc Minnesota at 833.450.1494.
Focus on the Future is a podcast for caregivers and families supporting people with disabilities. In each episode, a conversation about the journey of discovering our best life and how to achieve it. While exploring legal, financial, and quality of life structures, Focus on the Future aims to get back to what matters most: living a fulfilling and meaningful life that is defined by each individual person.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Music (00:02):
[music playing]
Allycia Wolff (00:01):
Hello, welcome to Focus on the Future, a future
planning podcast for caregiversand families, supporting people
with disabilities.
Focus on the Future is a podcastof The Arc Minnesota, a
nonprofit organizationadvocating for folks with
intellectual and developmentaldisabilities.
My name is Allycia Wolff.
I am an advocate here at The ArcMinnesota and your host for
(00:23):
Focus on the Future.
In this week's episode, we aregoing to be discussing
friendships and community andbelonging and how the
relationships that we have inour lives are directly tied to
our health and our happiness.
When I am working directly withfamilies, um, and doing future
(00:44):
planning, I often hear familiesshare that they're concerned
about the who is going to be intheir child's life and not
necessarily even just the who ofwho's going to be there to care
for somebody, but who's going tobe there to enjoy life's moments
and see all of the wonderfulthings that you know your loved
(01:05):
one has to offer and offer thatfriendship and the community
really.
And so this is something that Ireally wanted to dive into and
share more about why friendshipsand belonging are important and
then how to build that.
So I invited Angela Amado, whois a wonderful woman who has
(01:27):
dedicated her life to researchabout how people with
disabilities can create goodlasting connections and build
their network.
She has made a huge impact on mycareer.
And in this interview we'regoing to be talking pretty high
level about all the things thatshe's learned and get some good
(01:48):
takeaways from that.
And since she has had a careerof 30 years, there's going to be
a lot more information that shehas to share.
And so I would highly recommendGoogling Angela Amado.
And at the end of this podcast Iwill share a workbook that she
has created that um, go step bystep to help walk people through
(02:10):
the steps of what you canconsider as you're building your
network.
So without further ado, here isthe conversation that I had with
Angela Amado.
Thanks for joining us.
Hey Angela, welcome to thepodcast.
Could you introduce yourselfquickly for the listeners
(02:32):
please?
Angela Amado (02:32):
Sure.
My name is Angela Amado and it'sgreat for me to be doing this
podcast.
I've worked with people withmany different types of
disabilities for more than 40years and I worked for 35 years
at the University of Minnesota'sInstitute on Community
Integration.
And I've done training in many,many, many States and in Canada
(02:55):
and several European countriesand in Australia.
So I have a lot of experienceabout many different facets,
about people who have adisability label.
Allycia Wolff (03:07):
Why are friendships important and why
focus, why put this focus onhelping people with disabilities
create friendships?
Angela Amado (03:19):
There's a tremendous amount of research
about social relationships andthe more people in your life,
the impact that that has on thequality of your life.
So, our social relationshipsaffect our happiness, our social
relationships affect our health,they affect our longevity,
(03:40):
knowing that there's people whocare about you, it's just
important across the board interms of the people and the
people in our life.
And there's a lot of researchmore recently about people
reporting loneliness includingpeople who don't have a
(04:00):
disability label.
You know, there's lots ofresearch about how we've become
attached to phones or theinternet and that kind of thing
and how that's actually in somecases increasing people's
experience of loneliness asopposed to our direct experience
with other people.
And I will also say that it'simportant to, I got interested
(04:24):
in people's relationship withcommunity members because many
people with disabilities, theonly people in their life or
their family or other peoplewith disabilities, and that's
quite an isolating experience.
And just over and over again, Ihave seen people blossom when
they have more non-disabledpeople in their life.
(04:46):
But one of the reasons why it'simportant to work on it, is also
the benefit to community membersof getting to know people.
So over and over again, I've metcommunity members who will say
something like, I'm probablygetting more out of this
relationship or friendship thanthey are.
There's just in terms of usbuilding a more inclusive, a
(05:06):
more accepting, a more valuingsociety for and actually
altering the lives of peoplewith disabilities and the
quality of their life.
The benefit to community membersin getting to know people is
also one of the reasons why it'simportant to work on this.
Allycia Wolff (05:24):
So what was it about friendships that resonated
with you and what did you firstwant to do with it when you
started in this field?
Angela Amado (05:35):
When I was doing the work about people living in
the community instead ofinstitutions, a lot of people at
the time, this was in theeighties, people were saying
that people were in thecommunity, but they weren't of
the community.
And people still say that today,30 years later.
But when I was doing that workin the 80s and people were
(05:56):
saying that, that people were inthe community but not of the
community, I didn't see anybodywho was doing real work about:
was there something that peoplecould do?
Was there something thatagencies could actually do about
people having more friendshipswith community members and being
of the community.
And so I started on my firstproject actually in 1989 about
(06:19):
that, that was called Friends.
So that was how I got into thatparticular focus, was just
looking at where there thingsthat agencies and staff could do
to impact, um, the friendshipsbetween people with disabilities
and community members.
Allycia Wolff (06:35):
You started that work in the 80s and you have
been doing it consistently thenuntil you retired just a few
years ago.
Angela Amado (06:44):
I'm still doing it even though I'm retired.
I'm still doing, I'm stillworking with a couple of
agencies here in Minnesota anduh, I still get requests from
people in other States andactually from other countries
also.
I still get requests to come anddo training.
Allycia Wolff (07:01):
So you're not really retired.
Angela Amado (07:05):
I retired from the university of Minnesota, but
I'm still, I'm not retired fromthis particular passion and this
particular commitment to connectpeople with disabilities and
community members together.
Allycia Wolff (07:17):
Got it.
And in the few decades that youhave been doing this work, what
themes have come up?
What have you found?
Because you said that peoplewere talking about it as an
issue, but then not many peoplewere doing anything about it.
What did you tell people or whatlike like theories and concepts
did you give people to use?
Angela Amado (07:38):
Well, the work that I was doing about
friendship was really groundedin the whole perspective about
being person centered and it wasactually also in the 80s that
that whole initiative started,which I also do training about
what it really means to beperson centered rather than
agency centered or systemcentered.
And so some of the values ofbeing person centered, one of
(08:02):
the fundamental values about itis seeing people as their gifts,
seeing people as their interestsinstead of what it is that they
can't do.
The focus in much of disabilityservices or supports is about
what people can't do and whatthey need support for to address
that as opposed to looking atwhat is it that is someone, what
(08:26):
are they interested in, what aretheir gifts, what do they have
to offer other people?
So that's really one of thefundamental things that I've
seen is that particular focusand then using their gifts to
connect with community members.
And then another couple ofthemes that I have found over
and over again is what it isthat you believe.
(08:50):
Like do you believe that peoplehave something to offer?
Do you believe your familymember has something to offer to
you, to people in your family,to people in the wider community
and to their age peers?
What is it that people get fromknowing them?
So the belief according that theperson has something to offer,
(09:11):
that your family member hasthings to offer, that people
benefit from getting to knowthem.
Uh, your belief that there areactually community members.
There actually are non-disabledpeople who want to get to know
your family member, who want theopportunity to receive the gifts
that they have to offer thatthey would cherish the
(09:33):
opportunity to actually get toknow someone and to even
befriend them or even love them.
Get to love them.
And then that's anotherfundamental theme that I have
found.
And then the other theme, theother main thing that I have
found is that there's often aseparation between the
disability world and thecommunity world.
(09:54):
And so bringing people togetherbetween those two worlds really
means that you have to reachout, you have to ask people, you
have to invite people.
Community members don't knowthat they're needed, that
they're wanted, that, um, thatthey would love this particular
opportunity to get to knowpeople.
(10:14):
So I would say those are thethree main themes that I have
found is looking at gifts.
Uh, what it is that you believein this arena and the reaching
out and inviting or askingpeople to come together.
Allycia Wolff (10:29):
So often when I am facilitating person centered
planning meetings, I encouragefamilies to invite everybody in
their network.
You know, everybody from auntsand uncles to cousins.
And then sometimes families willsay, well, we're not that close
with them.
We don't, we don't want to askthem.
We don't want to like encroachon their personal time.
I know that they're busy andthen almost every time somebody
(10:52):
does choose to invite that auntand uncle or cousin that they
were waffling on, the cousinwill be in that meeting and
we'll say, Oh, I had no idea youlove to ride horses.
I want to ride horses.
Let's do that together and sothe most difficult piece for a
lot of people is actually askingand getting people to be
involved and to be there.
(11:14):
That's the most difficult part.
But almost always it leads topeople saying, oh, I had no
idea, but I want to be involved.
I just don't know how to ask.
When it comes to that, thatworry and concern about asking,
what do you have to say to that?
Angela Amado (11:31):
Well, it's difficult for many, many people
to ask other people foranything.
It's like, it's a common humanexperience about the difficulty
about asking.
Um, in terms of like our fear ofrejection or fear of imposing on
other people.
So family members who, uh, havea lot of experience on the
(11:56):
surface system.
Many family members have gottenused to asking.
As part of the requestingsupport, as part of advocacy is
having the courage to actuallyask.
And uh, but it's a whole otherworld to ask besides asking
professionals.
It's a whole other world to ask,uh, the people that we know in
(12:18):
terms of getting involved.
But it does really take courageand it takes, I encourage people
to try it out to practice or tothink about what it is that they
really want to say and to, andto risk it.
So one of the lessons I learnedearly on in my very first
(12:41):
project was a staff person thatwas supporting someone and the
staff person whose name wasDanielle, she had a foreign
exchange student staying withher who was from Argentina.
And there was a dance coming upand she had this idea to ask
Pablo if he would take theperson she supported, her name
was Vicki, if he would takeVicki to the dance.
(13:03):
And Danielle went through thiswhole world about like, how it's
crazy.
He'll say, no, it's like toomuch in terms of asking him.
But she did ask him and he said,sure, no problem.
Right, no problem.
And uh, he took Vicki to thedance and it was, he had a great
time and he got together withher afterward in terms of having
(13:25):
dinner with her and things likethat.
But when Danielle came back toour next meeting about this and
the first project we had, whenshe came back to the next
meeting, she said, I learnedsomething very powerful.
She said, I learned that itnever hurts to ask.
And so I learned that in thefirst project, I brought that
into every project that I've hadsince then, including our
(13:45):
projects with family membersabout just the courage just to
ask and to remember that lesson,which is that it never hurts to
ask.
Allycia Wolff (13:55):
Yeah.
It never hurts to ask.
And creating an opportunitywhere people want to say yes,
will make the ask for you andask on the other person the
easiest way to say yes.
Right?
So you want to ask somethingthat somebody wants to say yes
to.
So I already like horsebackriding: ask me to go horseback
(14:17):
riding, I'm gonna want to do itanyway.
Angela Amado (14:19):
Right.
And one of the things we, one ofthe things we've learned and
kind of developed is just likewhat makes a difference when you
ask, right?
Like when if somebody asked youto do something, what would have
you more likely to say yes,right?
So to actually identify that foryourself, what has you more
likely to say yes.
(14:40):
Depends on the person who'sasking.
It depends on how much are theyasking you to do, is that
something, is there somethingreally in it for you?
So really figuring out thosethings of time in terms of
asking or inviting someone to,to be a part of somebody's life,
to do something with them, itcould be something really simple
to start with.
(15:00):
Many people say like, oh, can Itry it first?
You know, and then see what it'slike.
So that's our experiences aboutasking anyone for anything.
Allycia Wolff (15:12):
So you have worked across a few decades and
done a few different studies andI would like to hear a few
stories from those experiences.
Angela for, for all of thelisteners here, Angela is a very
skilled storyteller.
Uh, and so I just wanted to giveher an opportunity to share some
of the positive experiences thatshe's had over the years in
(15:33):
seeing people make friendshipsand changing their lives.
Angela Amado (15:36):
Okay.
Um, so one particular story I'lltell is about somebody who was
younger, somebody who was thedaughter of a friend of mine.
His name is Jeff Strelley, andhe at the moment, he lives in
Colorado and he had a daughterwho had a very, quite severe
disability.
She had very limited physicalability and she didn't use words
(16:00):
to communicate.
And when she was five years oldand in kindergarten, they
actually had the first IEPmeeting for her.
And the way that the staff atthe school saw Shantelle was
only about what it is she couldnot do and what her limitations
(16:20):
were.
And Jeff and his wife Cindy,they made a commitment that they
were not going to have anothermeeting where with only the
professionals that they weregoing to bring in some of
Shantelle's friends fromkindergarten.
Some of the other girls who knewher in kindergarten.
And so the next meeting theyhad, they brought in some of her
(16:43):
age peers, right?
Some of her friends.
And Jeff said he made acommitment that they would never
have a meeting about Shantellewithout non-disabled kids who
were her own age.
So to get the perspective ofwhat does a, what does a kid who
doesn't have a disability, whatis normal for them at five, in
(17:07):
junior high and in senior high,et cetera.
Allycia Wolff (17:11):
What a good idea.
Angela Amado (17:13):
Yeah.
What was always the perspectiveand, and how did her friends see
her?
How did her- cause they knewShantelle had friends who didn't
have disabilities.
And so, u h, how did her friendssee her was very different than
how the teachers a nd theprofessional staff saw her.
So the other kids came in andjust said, u m, a nd just they
(17:37):
saw what Shantelles's g iftswere, what it is, and they could
read her and how she reacted incertain ways that even the
professional staff didn'tappreciate.
So she ended up having a verydifferent life.
So throughout grade school,elementary school, she was
always in an inclusive class.
(17:57):
In high school she was in aninclusive class and then in high
school they started talkingabout Shantelle going to college
and they worked out her going tocollege and then when she went
to college, the other kids said,you know, the other kids told
Jeff and Cindy, the parents, shecan't live with you anymore.
(18:20):
Right.
She's got a life to live oncampus.
And so that's great.
So on campus the girls who wereher friends got a house
together.
That was off campus.
So class that, sorry, a housethat was near the campus.
(18:42):
It was a small house.
Now when Jeff and Cindy visitedit, they were quite concerned
that it was right across thestreet from the fraternities,
fraternity houses, like anyparent be concerned about that.
But the girls who had befriendedher and who really loved her,
they, you know, they told Jeffand said, no, this is the house.
(19:05):
Jeff and Cindy kind of wanted ahouse that was in a better
condition or whatever.
But so Jeff and Cindy as theparents listened to the girls
who were her friends and whatwas good for Shantelle.
And then she also ended up beinga business owner and they
(19:30):
actually started a whole otherbusiness.
So after college she also becamea part owner of a business and
because she hates to get upearly in the morning.
And so it's different to be theowner as an employee in terms of
what time you could show up.
So these girls have taken her,have gone on trips with her to
(19:56):
Cancun and Jeff said they've gotpictures of her at these parties
like on spring break in Cancun.
And so she actually had a verydifferent life.
Allycia Wolff (20:12):
What a beautiful life.
Angela Amado (20:13):
A beautiful life.
And the story about her is inone of the books that I edited,
but Jeff Strolly, he's alsowritten other things and he
presents the story as he says,my other daughter, my second
daughter.
And he contrasts the life thatShantelle has with the
(20:35):
professional life where she'sonly seen as her disabilities
and what it is that she can'tdo.
So it's like my two daughters,these are like two, two
completely different humanbeings in terms of those
particular perspectives aboutwhat her friends say about her
as a college student, as abusiness owner, and a daughter,
(20:58):
that's only the professionallens of daughters.
Allycia Wolff (21:03):
What a fascinating story.
I think that speaks reallyheavily to how relationships and
friendships can impact our livesbecause if she wouldn't have
from such an early age, demandedthat her friends be at meetings
about her life, and so he wassetting this precedent from
(21:23):
really early on that I'm goingto expect that you have friends
and this is going to be like acollaborative effort.
I think that's a really, reallygreat story.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thank you for sharing.
Hopefully he's okay with yousharing that.
Angela Amado (21:37):
Yes, I'm sure he is.
Allycia Wolff (21:38):
Okay, good.This, this process of creating
friendships, just like you saidin your last story about
Shantelle is lifelong, right?
Like it takes constant effort tobe working on friendships and
that's true for everybody,right?
Like, I think about my lifepersonally.
(21:58):
I spend so much time every weekjust touching base with, with
all of my friends.
I know that I personally am areally extroverted person, so I
have a lot of friends it takes alot of effort.
But as this lifelong process ofkeeping relationships takes a
lot of work, what would yousuggest to families and to
people who are trying to do thatintentionally?
Angela Amado (22:25):
Well, I'd say one, one thing is that some of
us have friends that have beenlifelong friends.
Some of us have friends stillfrom high school or from
college.
Some of the families that Iworked with, there was a project
we had where we worked directlywith families about what could
they do to support friendshipsfor the young adults or adult
(22:47):
children.
And one of the things that theparents found in that project
was that they could go back topeople who had been friends with
their children in high schooland reconnect them.
So a big avenue is actuallylooking at where are there
people in somebody's life thatyou could actually reconnect
(23:08):
with.
Um, there was another parentthat I knew who, she actually
reconnected her daughter, thiswas in Minnesota, she
reconnected her daughter with ayoung lady who had been her
babysitter.
So this was a young girl again,who had quite severe physical
disabilities, who wasn't thatcapable.
(23:30):
And there was a girl that theyhad had, she'd been her
babysitter.
And when the daughter was in hertwenties and it was time for her
to move into her own place.
The mother actually reconnectedwith the woman who had been
their babysitter, who was nowmarried and had a couple of
(23:50):
babies of her own and they setup a whole living situation
where the daughter, whose namewas Missy, where the daughter
could actually move in with thewoman who was now a young
mother.
And it was a great situation forthe young mother because that
allowed her to stay at home nowwith her babies and she, where
(24:14):
she didn't have to work fulltime.
So she was supported in terms ofa support situation as the
caregiver.
So she could use waiver money toactually be the caregiver for
that daughter.
So anyway, that was a situationabout reconnecting in terms of
ending up in a life change.
But I would say, but I would sayso reconnecting with people.
(24:38):
But the other thing to rememberthough is in terms of lifelong
or longterm relationships, isthat all of our relationships go
up and down.
Right.
I was friends with people that Iworked with in previous jobs
that I don't see anymore.
Right?
So as my work situations havechanged over the course of my
life, my friendships havechanged over the course over the
(25:00):
course of my life.
Or I was friends with peoplethat I played volleyball with
when I was younger, as was on avolleyball team.
But I don't see those peopleanymore.
Or as I have moved towns orsituations, you know, my
friendships have changed.
So it's also important toremember that it's not that bad
(25:21):
or it's a life factor foreveryone when we stop being
friends with people.
And then we develop new friends,new friendships.
And then one has to you couldsay start over again about
looking for in this currentsituation, who is somebody who
could, who has the sameinterest, who could benefit from
(25:45):
getting to know the person.
And as people's life situationschange, new people, new people
come into their life, new peoplecome into our lives that we make
new friends with people.
Allycia Wolff (25:56):
It's a constant ebb and flow and it always takes
a little bit of work.
What about, a lot of people havethe concern that somebody
doesn't have the social abilityto make friends or to be like
socially appropriate.
And that's a big concern aboutlike helping somebody with a
(26:20):
disability, make friends withsomebody like in the community.
Right.
What do you have, you spoke toit a little bit with Vicki, but
what do you have to say aboutthat?
About like social skills beingundeveloped?
Angela Amado (26:32):
Every friendship, every relationship is two ways,
right?
So, or sometimes even we'refriends in a group of people.
So when someone doesn't havesocial skills themselves, I
always direct people to look forwhere could you find community
members who will come?
(26:53):
I say this way toward theperson, right?
The person with the disabilityisn't going to go toward them.
Where are you going to find thecommunity member who's going to
come toward the person with adisability?
How can you invite them?
How can you find a communitymember who would appreciate the
person, whether they have socialskills or not.
Where can you find a communitymember who will tolerate or not
(27:17):
be bothered by whatever it isthat the person is doing that
doesn't have that particularsocial skills.
And sometimes we have to talk tocommunity members about that.
We have to like talk to what theperson has to offer, what the
community member can see in theperson.
There were some colleagues ofmine who had done some research
(27:38):
in a high school situation forexample, and um, they were
interviewing the non-disabledhigh school students about what
they saw about the kids who haddisabilities, the kids who were
special-ed students.
Right.
Were the high school studentsopen to befriending the special
(28:01):
education students and just whatdid they see about them in
general?
And I remember in one, in onecase there was a young girl who
had down syndrome who was alwayssort of falling over the boys
who didn't have the disabilities.
Right?
And they were like, they weren'tthat appropriate with them.
(28:23):
They weren't sociallyappropriate with them and they
were saying things, like go awayjust so like you and will you be
my boyfriend.
And they were like saying thingslike that, and the boys without
the disabilities didn't knowwhat to do.
They were like embarrassed aboutit, but they like, they just
(28:44):
sort of kept their distance ortried to keep their distance.
It was embarrassing or awkwardfor them.
And so the people who were doingthe research, the special
education faculty, you know, theteachers, professors who were
doing the research about it,they said to the, they said to
the boys without thedisabilities, they'd say, well,
(29:06):
what would you say to a girl whodidn't have a disability?
Who was doing that?
And they said, well, the boyswould say they, well, I would
just tell them to cut it out,you know, or I would tell them
so.
And the professors said that,well, why didn't you say that to
the special education students?
And they said, you mean I can,you mean like I could just like
(29:29):
say the same thing to, so theywere held back because they
thought they had to treat thespecial education students
specially or that they couldn'tdo something with them.
So it was a whole lesson forthem to learn that.
So sometimes we have to, whenwe're asking a community member
(29:49):
or a non-disabled student orperson to become a friend,
sometimes we have to like letthem know what it is that the
person who has a disability isgoing to do.
And there's many people, manycommunity members I found people
without disabilities who they'renot bothered by it.
They just like, need to know,like I personally have a friend
(30:12):
who like, she'll always, she'llask me to, when we go out to
eat, she'll ask me to get herlike three desserts, you know,
or she'll ask me to buy hersomething or you know, or like,
or I know to say like, well no,I'm not going to do that.
Right.
But you know, in terms oftalking to other people who
would be her friend, you'd betelling them like, well no, you
(30:33):
have to just tell her no thatyou're not going to do that and
not be bothered by it.
Allycia Wolff (30:38):
Absolutely, and I think it goes back to the point
that you made earlier aboutbelieving that every person can
make friends and that there'ssomebody out there that wants to
be friends with that person andwill see that value.
When I give presentations,sometimes I say like think about
(30:59):
somebody that you hate.
Think about somebody that getsunder your skin and you just
can't stand whether it's at workor like at your gym, like just
somebody that really, reallybugs you.
You don't like them.
But then if you take yourselfout of the equation, that person
most likely has a whole networkof people that love them and
(31:20):
appreciate them.
They may have a spouse, they mayhave family, they may have a
huge network of friends.
Just because you don't like themspecifically doesn't mean that
there isn't that ability forother people to.
There's a lot of differentpeople.
Angela Amado (31:35):
And the other thing that I'm finding these
days compared to when I startedworking on this 20 or 30 years
ago, these days when people askme what I do and I talk to them
about people with disabilitiesor I talk to them about being
(31:56):
friends with people.
Like years ago, I would findmore community members would say
to me something like, oh, youmust be so special.
Right?
But these days I hardly ever getthat response.
These days much more people willtell me about somebody with a
disability who's in their familyor they'll tell me about someone
(32:19):
with a disability at work,somebody that they know through
work.
You know, I gave a presentationat the Columbus group in
Rochester, Minnesota and I wastalking about what it is that
they, that we were about andabout somebody joining the
(32:40):
Columbus group and theyimmediately, the people
immediately started telling meabout this.
Many of them do.
This young man with disabilitiesin town who was like a local
figure and who was involved inkind of like everything in town.
And they started telling meabout other people in town.
And then one of the guys afterthe meeting started telling me
(33:03):
about that he used to drive theyellow bus, the special ed bus
and how much he loved thechildren.
And I talked to him about likegetting involved again, again
with some, with people likethat.
So people with disabilitiesthese days are much more seen.
They're much more known.
(33:23):
They're like much more in ourcommunity.
People have much more directexperiences.
There's many more movies aboutpeople with disabilities, more
TV shows about people withdisabilities.
People know a lot more, inMinnesota these days, about
people, and our wider communitydoes.
And we still want to let themknow about the opportunities to
(33:47):
get to know someone and that wereally want them, that they're
really needed in terms of peoplebeing befriended.
Because sometimes you still seepeople like who think people are
taken care of, that people arebeing taken care of, but know
(34:08):
that that we really want them tohave more social life.
Allycia Wolff (34:13):
I truly believe that we all do better when we
all do better and so when ourcommunity rallies and supports
people with disabilities andsees people for their strengths,
then everybody's going to bedoing better.
You know, segregation is a partof the past and we're still
working through that.
I really believe that we'restill making a lot of strides
forward to step out of thatinstitutional frame of mind.
(34:37):
But I have been in this fieldnow for 10 years and just like
you said, even just in my 10years in this field, I have
noticed a big shift in like (34:45):
oh, you're so special to be working
with people with disabilities,to like: Oh yeah, great.
That's, that's a cool careerchoice.
And let me share with you someof my experiences.
As people are listening to thispodcast, they're probably
thinking that they want to makesome steps forward and helping
(35:07):
their child or loved one makefriends.
If you had a takeaway forpeople, something that somebody
could do within the next fewdays or month, what would you
say?
What would you give to families?
Angela Amado (35:22):
I would look at two things.
One is I would look at what areyour child's interests or your
family members interests andwhat are their gifts, and then I
would start on the second thing,is start looking for people.
So looking for the people whoare around you, like you said,
look at the extended family forexample, you could also start
(35:45):
looking for based on yourchild's interests, where would
you find people who share thatsame interest, given their
gifts, where would you findpeople who would appreciate
those gifts?
That's one way about buildingthe network, right?
Building people's networks iswhere do you find people with
the same interest because thatthat's a way we all find people.
(36:10):
That's the way we all build ournetworks, whether our interests
are in sewing or in volleyballor in politics or in sports or
in...
That's where any of us find our,uh, it's one rich resource.
It's not the only avenue, but itis a really rich avenue for
(36:31):
finding people who could be partof somebody's network.
If they're not, now build theopportunity for them to get to
know people and add them intotheir network.
So those are the, those are thetwo things that I would look for
is like, or the action, sorry, Iwould take is their interests
(36:53):
and their gifts and then whereare the people, where are the
people now who are in their life, could be brought in more
deeply and more intimately intotheir life and then where are
people, where could you findpeople who share that interest
and gifts?
Allycia Wolff (37:08):
Wonderful.
Thank you for sharing your timeand your expertise.
If this episode inspiredquestions for an advocate at The
Arc, please give us a call at833.450.1494.
(37:28):
On the next episode of Focus onthe Future, we are going to be
talking with Honoring ChoicesMinnesota.
This is a nonprofit organizationthat covers healthcare
directives and everything thatyou need to know about a
healthcare directive.
What is it?
What does it mean to plan forthe last stages of your life?
And who should be a healthcareagent?
(37:50):
We'll answer all of thesequestions and more.
Focus on the Future i s apodcast of the Arc Minnesota.
Subscribe to the podcast on yourfavorite streaming service to
stay up to date with the newestepisodes.
And if you are willing, shoot usa review, tell us how we're
doing and what you'd like tohear in the future.
And additionally, if you'd liketo support the podcast and our
(38:11):
mission, you can donate a tarcminnesota.org/podcast.
Our podcast music is composedand recorded by M icah Kadwell,
Micah is a talented guitaristfrom New Brighton, Minnesota who
has autism.
Thank you Micah and thank you tothe team who helps put this
podcast together.
Thanks everybody and have awonderful day.
[music playing]
Allycia Wolff (00:01):
Hello, welcome to Focus on the Future, a future
planning podcast for caregiversand families, supporting people
with disabilities.
Focus on the Future is a podcastof The Arc Minnesota, a
nonprofit organizationadvocating for folks with
intellectual and developmentaldisabilities.
My name is Allycia Wolff.
I am an advocate here at The ArcMinnesota and your host for
(00:23):
Focus on the Future.
In this week's episode, we aregoing to be discussing
friendships and community andbelonging and how the
relationships that we have inour lives are directly tied to
our health and our happiness.
When I am working directly withfamilies, um, and doing future
(00:44):
planning, I often hear familiesshare that they're concerned
about the who is going to be intheir child's life and not
necessarily even just the who ofwho's going to be there to care
for somebody, but who's going tobe there to enjoy life's moments
and see all of the wonderfulthings that you know your loved
(01:05):
one has to offer and offer thatfriendship and the community
really.
And so this is something that Ireally wanted to dive into and
share more about why friendshipsand belonging are important and
then how to build that.
So I invited Angela Amado, whois a wonderful woman who has
(01:27):
dedicated her life to researchabout how people with
disabilities can create goodlasting connections and build
their network.
She has made a huge impact on mycareer.
And in this interview we'regoing to be talking pretty high
level about all the things thatshe's learned and get some good
(01:48):
takeaways from that.
And since she has had a careerof 30 years, there's going to be
a lot more information that shehas to share.
And so I would highly recommendGoogling Angela Amado.
And at the end of this podcast Iwill share a workbook that she
has created that um, go step bystep to help walk people through
(02:10):
the steps of what you canconsider as you're building your
network.
So without further ado, here isthe conversation that I had with
Angela Amado.
Thanks for joining us.
Hey Angela, welcome to thepodcast.
Could you introduce yourselfquickly for the listeners
(02:32):
please?
Angela Amado (02:32):
Sure.
My name is Angela Amado and it'sgreat for me to be doing this
podcast.
I've worked with people withmany different types of
disabilities for more than 40years and I worked for 35 years
at the University of Minnesota'sInstitute on Community
Integration.
And I've done training in many,many, many States and in Canada
(02:55):
and several European countriesand in Australia.
So I have a lot of experienceabout many different facets,
about people who have adisability label.
Allycia Wolff (03:07):
Why are friendships important and why
focus, why put this focus onhelping people with disabilities
create friendships?
Angela Amado (03:19):
There's a tremendous amount of research
about social relationships andthe more people in your life,
the impact that that has on thequality of your life.
So, our social relationshipsaffect our happiness, our social
relationships affect our health,they affect our longevity,
(03:40):
knowing that there's people whocare about you, it's just
important across the board interms of the people and the
people in our life.
And there's a lot of researchmore recently about people
reporting loneliness includingpeople who don't have a
(04:00):
disability label.
You know, there's lots ofresearch about how we've become
attached to phones or theinternet and that kind of thing
and how that's actually in somecases increasing people's
experience of loneliness asopposed to our direct experience
with other people.
And I will also say that it'simportant to, I got interested
(04:24):
in people's relationship withcommunity members because many
people with disabilities, theonly people in their life or
their family or other peoplewith disabilities, and that's
quite an isolating experience.
And just over and over again, Ihave seen people blossom when
they have more non-disabledpeople in their life.
(04:46):
But one of the reasons why it'simportant to work on it, is also
the benefit to community membersof getting to know people.
So over and over again, I've metcommunity members who will say
something like, I'm probablygetting more out of this
relationship or friendship thanthey are.
There's just in terms of usbuilding a more inclusive, a
(05:06):
more accepting, a more valuingsociety for and actually
altering the lives of peoplewith disabilities and the
quality of their life.
The benefit to community membersin getting to know people is
also one of the reasons why it'simportant to work on this.
Allycia Wolff (05:24):
So what was it about friendships that resonated
with you and what did you firstwant to do with it when you
started in this field?
Angela Amado (05:35):
When I was doing the work about people living in
the community instead ofinstitutions, a lot of people at
the time, this was in theeighties, people were saying
that people were in thecommunity, but they weren't of
the community.
And people still say that today,30 years later.
But when I was doing that workin the 80s and people were
(05:56):
saying that, that people were inthe community but not of the
community, I didn't see anybodywho was doing real work about:
was there something that peoplecould do?
Was there something thatagencies could actually do about
people having more friendshipswith community members and being
of the community.
And so I started on my firstproject actually in 1989 about
(06:19):
that, that was called Friends.
So that was how I got into thatparticular focus, was just
looking at where there thingsthat agencies and staff could do
to impact, um, the friendshipsbetween people with disabilities
and community members.
Allycia Wolff (06:35):
You started that work in the 80s and you have
been doing it consistently thenuntil you retired just a few
years ago.
Angela Amado (06:44):
I'm still doing it even though I'm retired.
I'm still doing, I'm stillworking with a couple of
agencies here in Minnesota anduh, I still get requests from
people in other States andactually from other countries
also.
I still get requests to come anddo training.
Allycia Wolff (07:01):
So you're not really retired.
Angela Amado (07:05):
I retired from the university of Minnesota, but
I'm still, I'm not retired fromthis particular passion and this
particular commitment to connectpeople with disabilities and
community members together.
Allycia Wolff (07:17):
Got it.
And in the few decades that youhave been doing this work, what
themes have come up?
What have you found?
Because you said that peoplewere talking about it as an
issue, but then not many peoplewere doing anything about it.
What did you tell people or whatlike like theories and concepts
did you give people to use?
Angela Amado (07:38):
Well, the work that I was doing about
friendship was really groundedin the whole perspective about
being person centered and it wasactually also in the 80s that
that whole initiative started,which I also do training about
what it really means to beperson centered rather than
agency centered or systemcentered.
And so some of the values ofbeing person centered, one of
(08:02):
the fundamental values about itis seeing people as their gifts,
seeing people as their interestsinstead of what it is that they
can't do.
The focus in much of disabilityservices or supports is about
what people can't do and whatthey need support for to address
that as opposed to looking atwhat is it that is someone, what
(08:26):
are they interested in, what aretheir gifts, what do they have
to offer other people?
So that's really one of thefundamental things that I've
seen is that particular focusand then using their gifts to
connect with community members.
And then another couple ofthemes that I have found over
and over again is what it isthat you believe.
(08:50):
Like do you believe that peoplehave something to offer?
Do you believe your familymember has something to offer to
you, to people in your family,to people in the wider community
and to their age peers?
What is it that people get fromknowing them?
So the belief according that theperson has something to offer,
(09:11):
that your family member hasthings to offer, that people
benefit from getting to knowthem.
Uh, your belief that there areactually community members.
There actually are non-disabledpeople who want to get to know
your family member, who want theopportunity to receive the gifts
that they have to offer thatthey would cherish the
(09:33):
opportunity to actually get toknow someone and to even
befriend them or even love them.
Get to love them.
And then that's anotherfundamental theme that I have
found.
And then the other theme, theother main thing that I have
found is that there's often aseparation between the
disability world and thecommunity world.
(09:54):
And so bringing people togetherbetween those two worlds really
means that you have to reachout, you have to ask people, you
have to invite people.
Community members don't knowthat they're needed, that
they're wanted, that, um, thatthey would love this particular
opportunity to get to knowpeople.
(10:14):
So I would say those are thethree main themes that I have
found is looking at gifts.
Uh, what it is that you believein this arena and the reaching
out and inviting or askingpeople to come together.
Allycia Wolff (10:29):
So often when I am facilitating person centered
planning meetings, I encouragefamilies to invite everybody in
their network.
You know, everybody from auntsand uncles to cousins.
And then sometimes families willsay, well, we're not that close
with them.
We don't, we don't want to askthem.
We don't want to like encroachon their personal time.
I know that they're busy andthen almost every time somebody
(10:52):
does choose to invite that auntand uncle or cousin that they
were waffling on, the cousinwill be in that meeting and
we'll say, Oh, I had no idea youlove to ride horses.
I want to ride horses.
Let's do that together and sothe most difficult piece for a
lot of people is actually askingand getting people to be
involved and to be there.
(11:14):
That's the most difficult part.
But almost always it leads topeople saying, oh, I had no
idea, but I want to be involved.
I just don't know how to ask.
When it comes to that, thatworry and concern about asking,
what do you have to say to that?
Angela Amado (11:31):
Well, it's difficult for many, many people
to ask other people foranything.
It's like, it's a common humanexperience about the difficulty
about asking.
Um, in terms of like our fear ofrejection or fear of imposing on
other people.
So family members who, uh, havea lot of experience on the
(11:56):
surface system.
Many family members have gottenused to asking.
As part of the requestingsupport, as part of advocacy is
having the courage to actuallyask.
And uh, but it's a whole otherworld to ask besides asking
professionals.
It's a whole other world to ask,uh, the people that we know in
(12:18):
terms of getting involved.
But it does really take courageand it takes, I encourage people
to try it out to practice or tothink about what it is that they
really want to say and to, andto risk it.
So one of the lessons I learnedearly on in my very first
(12:41):
project was a staff person thatwas supporting someone and the
staff person whose name wasDanielle, she had a foreign
exchange student staying withher who was from Argentina.
And there was a dance coming upand she had this idea to ask
Pablo if he would take theperson she supported, her name
was Vicki, if he would takeVicki to the dance.
(13:03):
And Danielle went through thiswhole world about like, how it's
crazy.
He'll say, no, it's like toomuch in terms of asking him.
But she did ask him and he said,sure, no problem.
Right, no problem.
And uh, he took Vicki to thedance and it was, he had a great
time and he got together withher afterward in terms of having
(13:25):
dinner with her and things likethat.
But when Danielle came back toour next meeting about this and
the first project we had, whenshe came back to the next
meeting, she said, I learnedsomething very powerful.
She said, I learned that itnever hurts to ask.
And so I learned that in thefirst project, I brought that
into every project that I've hadsince then, including our
(13:45):
projects with family membersabout just the courage just to
ask and to remember that lesson,which is that it never hurts to
ask.
Allycia Wolff (13:55):
Yeah.
It never hurts to ask.
And creating an opportunitywhere people want to say yes,
will make the ask for you andask on the other person the
easiest way to say yes.
Right?
So you want to ask somethingthat somebody wants to say yes
to.
So I already like horsebackriding: ask me to go horseback
(14:17):
riding, I'm gonna want to do itanyway.
Angela Amado (14:19):
Right.
And one of the things we, one ofthe things we've learned and
kind of developed is just likewhat makes a difference when you
ask, right?
Like when if somebody asked youto do something, what would have
you more likely to say yes,right?
So to actually identify that foryourself, what has you more
likely to say yes.
(14:40):
Depends on the person who'sasking.
It depends on how much are theyasking you to do, is that
something, is there somethingreally in it for you?
So really figuring out thosethings of time in terms of
asking or inviting someone to,to be a part of somebody's life,
to do something with them, itcould be something really simple
to start with.
(15:00):
Many people say like, oh, can Itry it first?
You know, and then see what it'slike.
So that's our experiences aboutasking anyone for anything.
Allycia Wolff (15:12):
So you have worked across a few decades and
done a few different studies andI would like to hear a few
stories from those experiences.
Angela for, for all of thelisteners here, Angela is a very
skilled storyteller.
Uh, and so I just wanted to giveher an opportunity to share some
of the positive experiences thatshe's had over the years in
(15:33):
seeing people make friendshipsand changing their lives.
Angela Amado (15:36):
Okay.
Um, so one particular story I'lltell is about somebody who was
younger, somebody who was thedaughter of a friend of mine.
His name is Jeff Strelley, andhe at the moment, he lives in
Colorado and he had a daughterwho had a very, quite severe
disability.
She had very limited physicalability and she didn't use words
(16:00):
to communicate.
And when she was five years oldand in kindergarten, they
actually had the first IEPmeeting for her.
And the way that the staff atthe school saw Shantelle was
only about what it is she couldnot do and what her limitations
(16:20):
were.
And Jeff and his wife Cindy,they made a commitment that they
were not going to have anothermeeting where with only the
professionals that they weregoing to bring in some of
Shantelle's friends fromkindergarten.
Some of the other girls who knewher in kindergarten.
And so the next meeting theyhad, they brought in some of her
(16:43):
age peers, right?
Some of her friends.
And Jeff said he made acommitment that they would never
have a meeting about Shantellewithout non-disabled kids who
were her own age.
So to get the perspective ofwhat does a, what does a kid who
doesn't have a disability, whatis normal for them at five, in
(17:07):
junior high and in senior high,et cetera.
Allycia Wolff (17:11):
What a good idea.
Angela Amado (17:13):
Yeah.
What was always the perspectiveand, and how did her friends see
her?
How did her- cause they knewShantelle had friends who didn't
have disabilities.
And so, u h, how did her friendssee her was very different than
how the teachers a nd theprofessional staff saw her.
So the other kids came in andjust said, u m, a nd just they
(17:37):
saw what Shantelles's g iftswere, what it is, and they could
read her and how she reacted incertain ways that even the
professional staff didn'tappreciate.
So she ended up having a verydifferent life.
So throughout grade school,elementary school, she was
always in an inclusive class.
(17:57):
In high school she was in aninclusive class and then in high
school they started talkingabout Shantelle going to college
and they worked out her going tocollege and then when she went
to college, the other kids said,you know, the other kids told
Jeff and Cindy, the parents, shecan't live with you anymore.
(18:20):
Right.
She's got a life to live oncampus.
And so that's great.
So on campus the girls who wereher friends got a house
together.
That was off campus.
So class that, sorry, a housethat was near the campus.
(18:42):
It was a small house.
Now when Jeff and Cindy visitedit, they were quite concerned
that it was right across thestreet from the fraternities,
fraternity houses, like anyparent be concerned about that.
But the girls who had befriendedher and who really loved her,
they, you know, they told Jeffand said, no, this is the house.
(19:05):
Jeff and Cindy kind of wanted ahouse that was in a better
condition or whatever.
But so Jeff and Cindy as theparents listened to the girls
who were her friends and whatwas good for Shantelle.
And then she also ended up beinga business owner and they
(19:30):
actually started a whole otherbusiness.
So after college she also becamea part owner of a business and
because she hates to get upearly in the morning.
And so it's different to be theowner as an employee in terms of
what time you could show up.
So these girls have taken her,have gone on trips with her to
(19:56):
Cancun and Jeff said they've gotpictures of her at these parties
like on spring break in Cancun.
And so she actually had a verydifferent life.
Allycia Wolff (20:12):
What a beautiful life.
Angela Amado (20:13):
A beautiful life.
And the story about her is inone of the books that I edited,
but Jeff Strolly, he's alsowritten other things and he
presents the story as he says,my other daughter, my second
daughter.
And he contrasts the life thatShantelle has with the
(20:35):
professional life where she'sonly seen as her disabilities
and what it is that she can'tdo.
So it's like my two daughters,these are like two, two
completely different humanbeings in terms of those
particular perspectives aboutwhat her friends say about her
as a college student, as abusiness owner, and a daughter,
(20:58):
that's only the professionallens of daughters.
Allycia Wolff (21:03):
What a fascinating story.
I think that speaks reallyheavily to how relationships and
friendships can impact our livesbecause if she wouldn't have
from such an early age, demandedthat her friends be at meetings
about her life, and so he wassetting this precedent from
(21:23):
really early on that I'm goingto expect that you have friends
and this is going to be like acollaborative effort.
I think that's a really, reallygreat story.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thank you for sharing.
Hopefully he's okay with yousharing that.
Angela Amado (21:37):
Yes, I'm sure he is.
Allycia Wolff (21:38):
Okay, good.This, this process of creating
friendships, just like you saidin your last story about
Shantelle is lifelong, right?
Like it takes constant effort tobe working on friendships and
that's true for everybody,right?
Like, I think about my lifepersonally.
(21:58):
I spend so much time every weekjust touching base with, with
all of my friends.
I know that I personally am areally extroverted person, so I
have a lot of friends it takes alot of effort.
But as this lifelong process ofkeeping relationships takes a
lot of work, what would yousuggest to families and to
people who are trying to do thatintentionally?
Angela Amado (22:25):
Well, I'd say one, one thing is that some of
us have friends that have beenlifelong friends.
Some of us have friends stillfrom high school or from
college.
Some of the families that Iworked with, there was a project
we had where we worked directlywith families about what could
they do to support friendshipsfor the young adults or adult
(22:47):
children.
And one of the things that theparents found in that project
was that they could go back topeople who had been friends with
their children in high schooland reconnect them.
So a big avenue is actuallylooking at where are there
people in somebody's life thatyou could actually reconnect
(23:08):
with.
Um, there was another parentthat I knew who, she actually
reconnected her daughter, thiswas in Minnesota, she
reconnected her daughter with ayoung lady who had been her
babysitter.
So this was a young girl again,who had quite severe physical
disabilities, who wasn't thatcapable.
(23:30):
And there was a girl that theyhad had, she'd been her
babysitter.
And when the daughter was in hertwenties and it was time for her
to move into her own place.
The mother actually reconnectedwith the woman who had been
their babysitter, who was nowmarried and had a couple of
(23:50):
babies of her own and they setup a whole living situation
where the daughter, whose namewas Missy, where the daughter
could actually move in with thewoman who was now a young
mother.
And it was a great situation forthe young mother because that
allowed her to stay at home nowwith her babies and she, where
(24:14):
she didn't have to work fulltime.
So she was supported in terms ofa support situation as the
caregiver.
So she could use waiver money toactually be the caregiver for
that daughter.
So anyway, that was a situationabout reconnecting in terms of
ending up in a life change.
But I would say, but I would sayso reconnecting with people.
(24:38):
But the other thing to rememberthough is in terms of lifelong
or longterm relationships, isthat all of our relationships go
up and down.
Right.
I was friends with people that Iworked with in previous jobs
that I don't see anymore.
Right?
So as my work situations havechanged over the course of my
life, my friendships havechanged over the course over the
(25:00):
course of my life.
Or I was friends with peoplethat I played volleyball with
when I was younger, as was on avolleyball team.
But I don't see those peopleanymore.
Or as I have moved towns orsituations, you know, my
friendships have changed.
So it's also important toremember that it's not that bad
(25:21):
or it's a life factor foreveryone when we stop being
friends with people.
And then we develop new friends,new friendships.
And then one has to you couldsay start over again about
looking for in this currentsituation, who is somebody who
could, who has the sameinterest, who could benefit from
(25:45):
getting to know the person.
And as people's life situationschange, new people, new people
come into their life, new peoplecome into our lives that we make
new friends with people.
Allycia Wolff (25:56):
It's a constant ebb and flow and it always takes
a little bit of work.
What about, a lot of people havethe concern that somebody
doesn't have the social abilityto make friends or to be like
socially appropriate.
And that's a big concern aboutlike helping somebody with a
(26:20):
disability, make friends withsomebody like in the community.
Right.
What do you have, you spoke toit a little bit with Vicki, but
what do you have to say aboutthat?
About like social skills beingundeveloped?
Angela Amado (26:32):
Every friendship, every relationship is two ways,
right?
So, or sometimes even we'refriends in a group of people.
So when someone doesn't havesocial skills themselves, I
always direct people to look forwhere could you find community
members who will come?
(26:53):
I say this way toward theperson, right?
The person with the disabilityisn't going to go toward them.
Where are you going to find thecommunity member who's going to
come toward the person with adisability?
How can you invite them?
How can you find a communitymember who would appreciate the
person, whether they have socialskills or not.
Where can you find a communitymember who will tolerate or not
(27:17):
be bothered by whatever it isthat the person is doing that
doesn't have that particularsocial skills.
And sometimes we have to talk tocommunity members about that.
We have to like talk to what theperson has to offer, what the
community member can see in theperson.
There were some colleagues ofmine who had done some research
(27:38):
in a high school situation forexample, and um, they were
interviewing the non-disabledhigh school students about what
they saw about the kids who haddisabilities, the kids who were
special-ed students.
Right.
Were the high school studentsopen to befriending the special
(28:01):
education students and just whatdid they see about them in
general?
And I remember in one, in onecase there was a young girl who
had down syndrome who was alwayssort of falling over the boys
who didn't have the disabilities.
Right?
And they were like, they weren'tthat appropriate with them.
(28:23):
They weren't sociallyappropriate with them and they
were saying things, like go awayjust so like you and will you be
my boyfriend.
And they were like saying thingslike that, and the boys without
the disabilities didn't knowwhat to do.
They were like embarrassed aboutit, but they like, they just
(28:44):
sort of kept their distance ortried to keep their distance.
It was embarrassing or awkwardfor them.
And so the people who were doingthe research, the special
education faculty, you know, theteachers, professors who were
doing the research about it,they said to the, they said to
the boys without thedisabilities, they'd say, well,
(29:06):
what would you say to a girl whodidn't have a disability?
Who was doing that?
And they said, well, the boyswould say they, well, I would
just tell them to cut it out,you know, or I would tell them
so.
And the professors said that,well, why didn't you say that to
the special education students?
And they said, you mean I can,you mean like I could just like
(29:29):
say the same thing to, so theywere held back because they
thought they had to treat thespecial education students
specially or that they couldn'tdo something with them.
So it was a whole lesson forthem to learn that.
So sometimes we have to, whenwe're asking a community member
(29:49):
or a non-disabled student orperson to become a friend,
sometimes we have to like letthem know what it is that the
person who has a disability isgoing to do.
And there's many people, manycommunity members I found people
without disabilities who they'renot bothered by it.
They just like, need to know,like I personally have a friend
(30:12):
who like, she'll always, she'llask me to, when we go out to
eat, she'll ask me to get herlike three desserts, you know,
or she'll ask me to buy hersomething or you know, or like,
or I know to say like, well no,I'm not going to do that.
Right.
But you know, in terms oftalking to other people who
would be her friend, you'd betelling them like, well no, you
(30:33):
have to just tell her no thatyou're not going to do that and
not be bothered by it.
Allycia Wolff (30:38):
Absolutely, and I think it goes back to the point
that you made earlier aboutbelieving that every person can
make friends and that there'ssomebody out there that wants to
be friends with that person andwill see that value.
When I give presentations,sometimes I say like think about
(30:59):
somebody that you hate.
Think about somebody that getsunder your skin and you just
can't stand whether it's at workor like at your gym, like just
somebody that really, reallybugs you.
You don't like them.
But then if you take yourselfout of the equation, that person
most likely has a whole networkof people that love them and
(31:20):
appreciate them.
They may have a spouse, they mayhave family, they may have a
huge network of friends.
Just because you don't like themspecifically doesn't mean that
there isn't that ability forother people to.
There's a lot of differentpeople.
Angela Amado (31:35):
And the other thing that I'm finding these
days compared to when I startedworking on this 20 or 30 years
ago, these days when people askme what I do and I talk to them
about people with disabilitiesor I talk to them about being
(31:56):
friends with people.
Like years ago, I would findmore community members would say
to me something like, oh, youmust be so special.
Right?
But these days I hardly ever getthat response.
These days much more people willtell me about somebody with a
disability who's in their familyor they'll tell me about someone
(32:19):
with a disability at work,somebody that they know through
work.
You know, I gave a presentationat the Columbus group in
Rochester, Minnesota and I wastalking about what it is that
they, that we were about andabout somebody joining the
(32:40):
Columbus group and theyimmediately, the people
immediately started telling meabout this.
Many of them do.
This young man with disabilitiesin town who was like a local
figure and who was involved inkind of like everything in town.
And they started telling meabout other people in town.
And then one of the guys afterthe meeting started telling me
(33:03):
about that he used to drive theyellow bus, the special ed bus
and how much he loved thechildren.
And I talked to him about likegetting involved again, again
with some, with people likethat.
So people with disabilitiesthese days are much more seen.
They're much more known.
(33:23):
They're like much more in ourcommunity.
People have much more directexperiences.
There's many more movies aboutpeople with disabilities, more
TV shows about people withdisabilities.
People know a lot more, inMinnesota these days, about
people, and our wider communitydoes.
And we still want to let themknow about the opportunities to
(33:47):
get to know someone and that wereally want them, that they're
really needed in terms of peoplebeing befriended.
Because sometimes you still seepeople like who think people are
taken care of, that people arebeing taken care of, but know
(34:08):
that that we really want them tohave more social life.
Allycia Wolff (34:13):
I truly believe that we all do better when we
all do better and so when ourcommunity rallies and supports
people with disabilities andsees people for their strengths,
then everybody's going to bedoing better.
You know, segregation is a partof the past and we're still
working through that.
I really believe that we'restill making a lot of strides
forward to step out of thatinstitutional frame of mind.
(34:37):
But I have been in this fieldnow for 10 years and just like
you said, even just in my 10years in this field, I have
noticed a big shift in like (34:45):
oh, you're so special to be working
with people with disabilities,to like: Oh yeah, great.
That's, that's a cool careerchoice.
And let me share with you someof my experiences.
As people are listening to thispodcast, they're probably
thinking that they want to makesome steps forward and helping
(35:07):
their child or loved one makefriends.
If you had a takeaway forpeople, something that somebody
could do within the next fewdays or month, what would you
say?
What would you give to families?
Angela Amado (35:22):
I would look at two things.
One is I would look at what areyour child's interests or your
family members interests andwhat are their gifts, and then I
would start on the second thing,is start looking for people.
So looking for the people whoare around you, like you said,
look at the extended family forexample, you could also start
(35:45):
looking for based on yourchild's interests, where would
you find people who share thatsame interest, given their
gifts, where would you findpeople who would appreciate
those gifts?
That's one way about buildingthe network, right?
Building people's networks iswhere do you find people with
the same interest because thatthat's a way we all find people.
(36:10):
That's the way we all build ournetworks, whether our interests
are in sewing or in volleyballor in politics or in sports or
in...
That's where any of us find our,uh, it's one rich resource.
It's not the only avenue, but itis a really rich avenue for
(36:31):
finding people who could be partof somebody's network.
If they're not, now build theopportunity for them to get to
know people and add them intotheir network.
So those are the, those are thetwo things that I would look for
is like, or the action, sorry, Iwould take is their interests
(36:53):
and their gifts and then whereare the people, where are the
people now who are in their life, could be brought in more
deeply and more intimately intotheir life and then where are
people, where could you findpeople who share that interest
and gifts?
Allycia Wolff (37:08):
Wonderful.
Thank you for sharing your timeand your expertise.
If this episode inspiredquestions for an advocate at The
Arc, please give us a call at833.450.1494.
(37:28):
On the next episode of Focus onthe Future, we are going to be
talking with Honoring ChoicesMinnesota.
This is a nonprofit organizationthat covers healthcare
directives and everything thatyou need to know about a
healthcare directive.
What is it?
What does it mean to plan forthe last stages of your life?
And who should be a healthcareagent?
(37:50):
We'll answer all of thesequestions and more.
Focus on the Future i s apodcast of the Arc Minnesota.
Subscribe to the podcast on yourfavorite streaming service to
stay up to date with the newestepisodes.
And if you are willing, shoot usa review, tell us how we're
doing and what you'd like tohear in the future.
And additionally, if you'd liketo support the podcast and our
(38:11):
mission, you can donate a tarcminnesota.org/podcast.
Our podcast music is composedand recorded by M icah Kadwell,
Micah is a talented guitaristfrom New Brighton, Minnesota who
has autism.
Thank you Micah and thank you tothe team who helps put this
podcast together.
Thanks everybody and have awonderful day.
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