Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

When Michelle Valiukenas lost her daughter Colette after being born at 24 weeks, the grief was devastating – and this grief had real effects on her friendships, both good and bad.

In today’s episode, Michelle and I talk about the evolution of relationships through all of life’s ups and downs and the value of showing up imperfectly.

Shortly after recording, my own friends lost their son in the NICU, and I felt uncertain how to go abou...

One reason I do this work is I believe all humans deserve to feel safe – but for a lot of us, that’s not a reality right now. 

Across the country, from Minneapolis to Maine, people, including children, are being kidnapped from their homes under the guise of immigration crackdown. 

So today’s episode is about leveraging connection as a form of resistance to protect our neighbors. What can you offer, and how do you present yourself as ...

Ever feel like, all of a sudden, you have TOO many friendships to juggle?

I know – this sounds like the most privileged problem ever! But truly, it’s a common experience, and I think the reason some of us get burnt out is because we feel we need to show up for each person in the same way. 

My thoughts? Some friends are lifelines; others add color to your life. Both types matter. But you don’t have to show up the same way for everyone...

Have I made it sound like it’s easy to keep friendships strong and resilient?

If so, let me set the record straight: making changes in friendships, even if they’re for the better, is HARD. A lot of the time, it involves uncomfortable conversations, confrontation, and hard feelings. It’s so tempting to push problems aside to keep relations “peaceful.”

I think there’s an expectation to put in work for romantic and familial relationship...

Imagine you’re fresh out of college and just moved back to your hometown. Suddenly, making plans with your friends feels hard.

Instead of meeting them in the apartment next door or in the dining hall, you’re texting back and forth, trying to get together – but much of the time, it doesn’t pan out, or it’s just not the same. This story is a reality for so many people, including today’s guest.

Jason Edmonds is a Seattle resident who de...

I sobbed in the car about the holidays this week – but not for reasons you might think.

Here’s what made me emotional: I am so grateful and excited for the ways we are celebrating our holidays this year. It could not be further from the reasons I’ve car sobbed in years past.

Some of you are already excited about the holidays, and I love that for you. But that is not everyone’s experience, and for years, it was not mine. There was a p...

If you’re somebody who dreads going to a party, then this episode is for you.

Sometimes the couch feels more appealing than going out into the world and socializing, and I get it. Attending a gathering takes energy. Sometimes it feels awkward. But gatherings can also make us feel inspired and supported and invigorated.

Today I offer an approach that will help you take charge of your guest experience with three simple questions. You c...

Raise your hand if you’ve ever walked away from an interaction and thought, gosh, I was so awkward! They’ll never want to talk to me again.

If this is you, you’re not alone, and honestly, it probably wasn’t as bad as you think; we’re often harder on ourselves than other people are on us. When it comes to connections, there’s a name for this underestimation of how much others actually enjoy interacting with us.

The Liking Gap is a soc...

Let's talk about the Martha Stewart trap so many of us have fallen into.

You decide you’re going to get everyone together to see your new place. But then you start thinking you need to deep clean everything; you need more seating, more cutlery, and you need to cook a nice meal. Eventually you start wondering: when did hosting get so expensive?

I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be. Today’s episode will reframe a few things ...

I’ve never been a big drinker. In my early twenties, I remember having to stand up for myself to be included during drinking games, even though I was drinking water.

But at a recent gathering we hosted, I realized there were actually MORE non-drinkers than drinkers present. Making non-alcoholic options (and non-alcoholic activities) a normal part of our get-togethers has certainly been an evolution, and I’m grateful for it.

There are...

Ninety-four percent of people have experienced more than one friendship break-up.

Let that sink in. Nearly EVERYONE listening has been through this heartbreak multiple times – and yet, we barely even talk about it as a society! 

This statistic comes from a survey conducted by today’s guest, Meenadchi, a somatic healing practitioner, communications expert, author of Decolonization Non-Violent Communication, and TEDx Talk presenter abo...

There is a message I keep getting in my DMs, and it breaks my heart every single time. 

It’s too late for me to make friends. I’m too old. I’ve messed up. I missed the boat.

I get why people feel this way. Societel messages lead us to believe there is a point in our lives when, if we don’t have the community connections we want, then we will never have them.

But if you’re on the shore, watching your boat cruise away, I want to share w...

Lots of people tell me they want couple friendships – you know, those picture-perfect foursomes you see in movies, where everybody gets along effortlessly.

Here’s the truth: couple friendships are complex! Why? Because you’re not just making friends couple-to-couple. You’re actually building FOUR SEPARATE FRIENDSHIPS at the same time. 

My husband and I have lots of couple friendships – probably more than 20 – and they range from old ...

Calling someone you haven’t spoken to in two years isn’t weird; it’s just being human.

Today’s guest is Jacob Marquez, also known as J. Henry, a Seattle-based tech entrepreneur and musical artist whose approach to relationships challenges a lot of conventional friendship wisdom.

Jacob is the founder of Seattle’s Best Brunch, bringing creatives together to collaborate and spotlight each other’s work, and he’s developing an app that he...

Cheer your friends on for hanging out with each other … even if it’s without you!

It might sound like counterintuitive friendship advice. But the truth is, when my friends have rich, full social lives, I actually benefit more than anyone. 

In this episode, I’m going to share some stories where I have either encouraged my friends to make other friends or actually cheered them on for hanging out without me. 

My friend who’s moved away a...

Imagine you’re an expat in Berlin in the early 2000s, with no smartphones, no social media, and barely any internet. You walk down the street and spot someone wearing a T-shirt made by a friend from your past life in Baltimore. Do you approach them? 

Well, that’s what today’s guest Amy Stafford did – and this moment led her to being part of the Lucky Trimmer, one of the most beloved dance festivals in Europe.

Amy isn’t even a dancer;...

One of the best things about being part of a group – whether a book club, neighborhood, friend group, or formal community – is feeling like you belong to something.

But that feeling isn’t always instant; sometimes, if you’re new, you might wonder, at what point do I actually fit in? That’s what we’re talking about in today’s episode: what belonging to a group actually feels like vs. what we think it should feel like. 

I want to refra...

Lately I’ve been hearing about how the price of community is inconvenience.

You know what I’m talking about: those posts about how, if you want a village, you have to be a villager. You have to give the rides, buy the gifts, and drop off the meals. But I think these messages focusing on inconvenience are missing the point.

Yesterday, I was at a baby shower for a friend who has wanted to be a mom for so long that I could cry thinking ...

When putting yourself out there, rejection is inevitable. But here’s a reframe you might need to hear: YOU are not being rejected. It’s only your OFFER that is being rejected.

Tanesha Moody was, at one point, drowning in rejection from every direction, from job applications to dating apps to her own friendships. Instead of retreating, she got curious and discovered the transformative power of separating rejection from yourself. 

Toda...