November 19, 2025 • 31 mins
What if the anxiety that feels “normal” is just a habit your brain learned—and can unlearn? We dig into the subtle ways chronic worry becomes a comfort zone, how early cues and environments shape our stress responses, and the simple, daily practices that rebuild calm from the inside out.
We share practical tools you can use today. You’ll hear the traffic-light test for runaway thoughts, sensory anchors that snap you back to the present, and micro breaks that slow the feeling of time so you can think clearly again. We talk about editing your media diet, setting kind but firm boundaries with people who lead with bad news, and why self-care is not selfish when your work and family rely on your steadiness. You’ll learn how to spot the quiet signs of chronic anxiety—irritability, low energy, avoidance—and how small rituals retrain your nervous system toward safety.
This conversation blends real-life stories with therapist-backed strategies: grounding with touch, scent, and sight; reframing unhelpful beliefs like “worry keeps me safe”; and creating a new comfort zone where calm is familiar, not frightening. We also tackle lifestyle levers—caffeine, sleep, movement—and show how minor swaps add up to a resilient baseline. The aim isn’t to eliminate fear; it’s to meet life’s ups and downs with clarity, presence, and a kinder inner voice.
If this resonates, tap follow, share with a friend who needs a softer day, and leave a quick review to help others find the show. Your support helps this community grow—and helps more people remember that peace is a practice we can all learn.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Feeling anxious.
I think we all do sometimes, butwhat we might not realize is
that anxiety, feeling anxiousand the whole thing around
anxiety can actually besomething we can unlearn.
Yeah, and it can be somethingthat you're so comfortable with
(00:21):
having without even realizing itthat you can you it it kind of
forms a an anxiety habit of youjust feeling anxious all the
time and that kind of gives youa feeling of safety.
We are therapists, we are hereto help you, and you're
listening to get real with uhEnglish podcast, and it always
(00:48):
seems to be unbelievable,doesn't it?
Because it does why on earthwould anxiety be a habit?
But unfortunately, it's verymuch a habit, and it's something
that we learn even when we'revery, very young, and we can
learn it from a parent, from uhsomebody that takes care of us,
(01:11):
and we can observe and and andlearn.
We kind of catch it, can't we?
You can catch anxiety.
You catch anxiety, you you verymuch feel it when somebody's
around you, you can just feelit.
There are small non-verbal cuesthat that person will give off
as well, and us as humans, wecan detect those cues, and we're
(01:33):
very, very good at detectingthem when we're very young.
And even small babies, yes, theycan see they can detect it, even
babies in the womb can detectit.
That's what yeah, apparentlythat is very, very true.
And as soon as we're born, we'revery, very capable and very able
because that's what we need forsurvival.
(01:54):
So we need to know that we'regonna have somebody that's gonna
look after us and be able tonourish us and take care of us,
and if that person isoverwhelmed and feeling very,
very anxious, we certainly totake that makes a very anxious
baby.
So it's something that we learn.
So if we can learn to beanxious, we can also unlearn it,
(02:18):
can't we?
Yes, that's the exciting newstalk about today is how to
unlearn some of these mentalbehaviors that we have learned
and can they're tricky becausethey may have been instilled in
us for a very, very long timeand they may have become part of
what's actually become ourcomfort zone.
(02:40):
So we know we feel when we feelanxious, we feel as if that's
normal, and that is how we'resupposed to be feeling because
if we're not feeling anxious,like what many of our clients
have told us, they fear theworst may happen.
That brings me back to a timewhen I was thinking about when I
(03:01):
had really high blood pressure,poor thing, and I didn't know I
had it.
No, and uh it was actually thegynecologist at the time that
she measured my blood pressure,and she said, No, it's really
high, you have to go to acardiologist for that.
So I went to the cardiologistand I said, But how come I don't
I I can't notice this?
And she said, Unfortunately,when you have very high blood
(03:25):
pressure, sometimes that's whyit's called the silent killer,
you're not aware of it, and yourbody is actually used to running
on that high blood pressure, andyou're gonna feel really weird
once you're on medication atfirst, until you get used to it.
So I'm warning you, Violetta, becareful.
When you first start taking themedication, you might feel a bit
(03:46):
out of sorts, which I did, andthen I thought of her, and then
I thought, okay, this is normal,so it was fine.
And then afterwards, I got usedto it and I was fine.
But it's funny how it's it'ssimilar to feeling anxious.
I was feeling okay on it, eventhough I knew well, once I found
out, I knew I had high bloodpressure.
But I thought, how comes I'm notfeeling like bad, ill, or
(04:07):
something?
Well, wouldn't I know?
Wouldn't I know?
Wouldn't I have a symptom ofthis?
And a lot of the times that'sthe same with anxiety, unless
you're in tune with it, orsomebody you've listened to like
this podcast, or somebody elsehas told you about it, you might
just not really become be awareof it, but you might just be
living in a constant state ofchronic anxiety, which is the
(04:30):
kind of anxiety we're actuallygonna be talking about more
today, because that's theanxiety that we feel is the the
more subtle one, the one that'sthe one that's habit forming.
It's habit forming, exactly.
It's like what what what's thatexpression you say?
You don't realise until the tonethe boiling frog.
The boiling frog, yeah.
What what is that?
Well, the boiling frog is thatyou put a frog in the cold water
(04:53):
and they don't realise they'rein boiling hot water and they
die.
They don't realise that thewater slowly gets hotter, they
don't uh because because atfirst you put them in cold water
and so they're they it's a slowthing, they slow thing.
So they can't jump out.
That's what I think about them.
No, no, that's it.
(05:15):
That's uh the way the metaphorcomes from which is what when
you're in a high stresssituation or you're feeling
really anxious, you probablyknow you're anxious, but you
don't realise how anxious andhow abnormal that actually is
until maybe you have feeldifferent like a panic attack or
something that actually alertsyou to it.
(05:35):
Something quite dramatic, thenyou think, oh dear, yeah.
That and that'll actually alert,and then that's when you go to
your doctor, and then the doctorwill tell you you're suffering
from anxiety and it's beenbrought on by this or whatever.
But um a lot of the times youdon't realize what it is until
you don't no longer have it.
(05:56):
Yes, or how insidious itactually is and how it's
affecting you and your Iremember, for example, my my my
son's girlfriend, when she firstcame over to stay with us, she
used to she used to really shesaid, gosh, everyone's sort of
so calm around here.
This house is calm.
And I said, But your house iscalm too.
(06:17):
She said, Oh no.
You know, those words, sheactually said it, no.
I can especially around you.
She said, I feel like calm, andand and I've only noticed it now
because it's different to how Iwould feel at my house, and she
loves her parents very much, butshe said it feels different
here.
So sometimes it takes for you toactually go out of that
(06:40):
environment for you to realizewhat kind of environment you're
actually in.
It's like sometimes at work youmight think it's normal to feel
like that constant state ofanxiety until you go to a new
new job and you think, gosh,people around here are like so
chill.
What the hell is going on?
You know, this is nice, this isgood.
(07:02):
I like this, but you didn'trealize it because you were
constantly in it.
Very much like the high bloodpressure or the frog.
Yes, yeah, which is scary.
And so, what how what can weactually help you with if we can
make you realize that numberone, you may be in that chronic
(07:26):
state of anxiety.
Well, if you're snapping orbeing maybe you know, getting
angry quickly and things likethat, that's one of the signs,
isn't it?
That is one of the signs.
Another sign is that you don'tfeel that you have enough energy
just to do anything at all.
So, like anybody that comes andsays, Do you want to do this?
(07:46):
your first reaction would be, ohno, yeah, uh, I can't handle it.
You think I can't handle it.
There's a reason why you'rethinking you can't handle it
because your brain is filledwith anxiety and anxious
thoughts.
Yeah.
So you feel as if anything elsethat's comes.
(08:06):
Anything that's not an autopilotthat you're not doing every day
is an extra.
So it's an extra thing.
If it's a nice thing, like goingon holiday or yeah, it could be
something good, but that's good.
It's just an extra thing for youto think about, and you you just
feel as if you can't.
It could tip over, you know, theuh the the the the balance of
(08:31):
balance because you're trying tokeep everything together, aren't
you?
You're like juggling and tryingto walk on eggs, as to say,
because your nervous system isactually walking on these
eggshells, and you don't reallyrealize it.
So we have to first of all,first step is to become aware of
(08:52):
it and think maybe it, you know,that's how I might be feeling
right now.
And even though we'retherapists, I say that to myself
many a times.
I think, gosh, I'm actuallyanxious now.
I know, I'm feeling anxiety.
Yeah, I'm feeling anxiety.
But then I'm become aware of itand I think, okay, yes.
(09:15):
I also think about something wespoke about in an episode before
this, which is are thesethoughts, is this thought
actually helpful to me now forme to be overthinking something?
And if if the answer is no, thenI really do try and you know
stop thinking about it.
I know that can be easier saidthan done, depending on what it
(09:39):
is, but many times there arethoughts that you can put aside,
or you can use the like the thetraffic light system, can't you?
Where you say, is this a helpfulthought, green, go ahead with
it.
Yes.
Or if it's not helpful, red,stop.
Stop.
And you can you can in your mindstop, and then you can you can
(10:03):
change your thoughts becausewhen our mind is ours.
It shouldn't be a runaway train,it shouldn't be like free to
just roam and like uh someonewas telling me the other day, a
friend of mine was saying, mymind is like is like inside it's
like chaos.
I I I'm constantly having allthese anxious thoughts floating
(10:27):
around inside me, bits of newsthat I read about people that
have died, or a plane crash, oruh an earthquake somewhere in
the world, and all the the theworld is so unsettled, and we're
not at peace, and there's somany wars going on.
And I said, You have to put astop to all that, and when
(10:48):
you're in the present moment,just be here and now.
And she said, How do I do that?
And I said, You have to installa habit of mindfulness.
So I she, you know, putting thebrakes on those thoughts and
bringing yourself back to whereyou are now, are your feet
grounded on the floor, is thesunshine around you, or you've
(11:11):
got a pretty flower on your onyour desk at work, just come
back into the now and how yoursenses are feeling.
So, you know, take a few deepbreaths and then think about
something pleasant.
That that's actually a reallygood point.
Even just having a plant or apretty flower, and I think you
if you make the effort to tobecome aware of grounding
(11:35):
yourself and making sure thatever in your environment there
is something that's going togive you joy, like like a um a
plant or a flower or something,something you can look at that
could bring you back into thepresent.
I think that's why we likepleasant things around us so
much.
Yeah, we could even be like alittle crystal or a little soft
(11:58):
toy.
We bought a soft toy the otherday, didn't we?
Just because we liked it.
Yeah, they're like this teddybear.
You're thinking, oh, we're a bitold for that.
We just bought ourselves, youknow, these two like little
teddy bears.
Well, you bought one foryourself, and then you bought me
one.
I did, because I thought there'stwo of them.
Of course, I there's two, andthey were like there, they were
(12:20):
really cute, like crochetedlittle teddy bears in this
lovely camel colour.
But look, even the way I'mexplaining it, when I see that
little toy, it brings me joy.
It reminds me of the memoryconduct.
But the reason is that it bringsyou back into where you are now,
exactly into the present moment.
(12:41):
It's something to look at that'ssensory and will give you that
joy.
It's the same thing, like a softblanket, something you can touch
will bring you back.
Many people, in order to bringthem back, they have that
elastic band technique whichgives you they snap the elastic
band that they put on theirwrist.
That's a different way, andthat's also bringing you back
(13:02):
in.
If you prefer that, that's alsoa renowned technique that bring
gives you a little snap, alittle bit of pain in that case,
which we go for more somethingthat brings you delight instead
of the pain.
But that's a very instantlyquick way of bringing you back
into the moment.
Back into the lovely, thatlovely soft little waistcoat
(13:25):
that I bought the other day.
Yes, I loved it, and then I wentand I was touching it really
softly, caressing it.
I I thought this is really cute.
It was like a fake false burstthing, but it was lovely and
soft and tactile.
And that's a reason why youliked it so much.
But then I actually reallyenjoyed wearing it, and I got
compliments on it as well, otherpeople saying they liked it, and
(13:48):
I said yes, and I also like itbecause it's really lovely to
wear, because it's very tactileand soft.
But there's a reason behindthese things, is and if we're
aware of them, we're put more,we won't like you think that was
a guilty pleasure buying alittle toy.
But the toy also brought us backto our childhood, didn't we
(14:12):
think of dad?
And then he used to buy us softtoys.
Exactly.
So and it's like it'severything, they're all anchors
to the past, but they're good,feel good anchors that make you
feel grounded and in the presentmoment and loved.
So if you buy yourself somefresh flowers, there's actually
a big study around fresh flowersin the home and how they can
actually obviously, if you'renot allergic to them, I was
(14:34):
thinking that I'm like allergicto some of them, but if you're
not having uh investing themoney and the time or going to
pick them or whatever, even inyourself and having them in your
home can reduce anxiety becauseit's something that's going to
make you focused on that at themoment, and it defocuses you
(14:56):
from the rest of your anxiousthoughts.
It can help you by focusing onsomething that makes you feel
good, you're also slowing timedown, which makes you feel as if
you have more time to doeverything in the end.
That's very interesting becausetime is such a playful element,
(15:19):
really.
It is totally, totally littlemischievous thing.
You can actually manage to slowit down yourself, and you would
say that's that's impossible.
It's an illusion, but everythingis an illusion.
When you're waiting for adentist appointment out there,
you're nervous.
(15:39):
Well, I am, and time seems that20 minutes waiting there, oh my
gosh, can be like an eternity.
Whether as 20 minutes having achat with you with your letter
can seem like nothing.
We said it today, didn't we?
How time has flown by.
Time just flew by the minute youcame here, and it was lunchtime
(16:00):
already.
And I thought, how could thatbe?
And I realize, you know, theheart that that is why it's such
a playful element, because it'sit can become so.
I mean, we had that client,didn't we, who said she was
really busy, she's a doctor.
She said she was really busy allthe time, and we said, slow time
down.
And she said, How can I do that?
I go, first of all, you have tomake time for yourself.
(16:22):
So between one visit and thenext, make sure you have a
break, a five-minute break.
And she said, Oh, that's a goodidea.
And then in those five can yeah,in those five minutes, take a
few deep breaths.
You can maybe journal a coupleof thoughts down that are making
you feel good, something lookforward to something you're
(16:42):
going to do tonight.
Sensory things around you thatare pleasant.
Like, well, we said that aswell.
That really helped her.
You can have some a nice scentthat you can smell.
I think she even had some kindof soft toy, if I remember
correctly.
I can't remember.
I can't remember exactly, butthere was something that she
said she would actually look atthat would actually make her
(17:05):
feel calmer.
Yeah.
Have some kind of good anchor toit because everything we have
around us reflects back somekind of anchor to us, and it
will bring us back into thattime and moment.
That's why we bring backsouvenirs from holidays.
Otherwise, why would we do that?
We go to a place, might even bejust a little pebble, and we
(17:26):
might keep that because thatreminded us of something.
Well, you brought back theoregano, didn't you?
The oregano.
And I what was I doing?
You were smelling, you smell it.
We bought that back from fromCalabria from our holidays.
From our holidays in in thesouth of Italy.
We were we bought that back andwe and I was just smelling it,
(17:47):
yes, immediately bringing meback to that place, and also to
our my our childhood where weused to have that on the
mountains when we would go to LaSierra in Spain because our mum
was Spanish, and that that kindof smell just instantly brings
me back to it.
But those were the days where wewould just be roaming.
(18:07):
Happy and free like wild.
We would think we would nobodywas looking at us, but
obviously, our auntie was justdown at the house.
We thought it was this massivemountain that we were climbing.
It's a big garden, it was forour standards.
For our standards, because wewere from London and we had
little homes, uh, little homes,little gardens.
(18:29):
To be just out there on theSierra, it was like, oh we're
the mountain.
We thought we were wild, didn'twe?
We did.
We were wild.
We were we weren't that wildaround all day, yeah.
But now of course we had shoeson, but not all the time.
Did we?
Not all the time, no.
But we were like free.
We felt as if we were freebecause we did nothing all day
(18:52):
but play exactly in them in thegarden, yeah, in the mountains,
in the mountainside and climb upto the top of the mountain with
the rocks like little rabbits.
Yes, that's why it was such ajoy at that age.
Sunshine, we get called in forfood at lunch.
For food and we'd have to havethe siesta, we'd have to be
forced to go to sleep a coupleof hours if we say, Hey, that
was tedious.
(19:12):
I still remember all the adultsin the same room.
Otherwise, the kids would bemaking a well do you remember
they just built the because theyhadn't built their main house,
they'd built the little house,they'd just built like a little
shack house of one floor, andall the beds were in the like
side by side.
Oh my god, there was like itlooked like a five beds in the
(19:33):
dormitory, yeah, like a littlecooker in the corner.
I can't remember.
But they were just whale days ofjust like doing nothing all day,
just playing with our cousins inthe sunshine.
You could see the adults justlike preparing food.
Is that what like yeah, theywould like to go to the garden
would be uh growing theirtomatoes, oh yeah, it'd be like
(19:56):
a vegetable patch, yeah, yeah.
It was just total contact withnature, and I think that's
probably why I love it so much.
I was good men love that.
Oh yeah, it just plays lovely.
Yeah, and so having somethinglike that brings back that kind
of anchor and those kind ofmemories, that's why they're
(20:17):
important.
That can really bring you backinto your help you naturally
unlearn some of the habits thatyou might have formed.
So you have to and I think youhave to become really aware of
like what is actually making youfeel anxious.
(20:39):
So notice like when you'rescrolling on social media, is it
making you feel good or is itgiving you anxiety?
For instance, the other daythere was a lady that was
scrolling through and she wastelling, look at this, look at
this horrible thing that'shappened.
Oh my god.
That's not too far away from me.
So she was really relating.
And I said to her, Look, you'vealready told me that you suffer
(21:02):
from anxiety, so this is nothelping you right now.
We're at, you know, we're at thedinner table, just enjoy being
here and now in the presentmoment.
And she said, Oh, you're soright.
I should do more of that.
So just become aware of what'sactually giving you joy and
what's actually overwhelming youand making you feel as if you
can't you can't do anythingabout it.
(21:25):
Because when that's when I thinkthat's when people get really
anxious when you feel as if youhave no control or you can't
help in any way, but you can youcan be the driver, you can
control in many, many aspects.
You can control some of thethoughts that are going to go in
(21:47):
through your brain, you can dothat by learning that these
thoughts can be harnessed, as tosay, in a certain way.
You know, your brain is not justa wild horse off and about and
running and going nuts.
No, you can control it, you canlearn to harness it, you can
(22:08):
learn to drive it in theappropriate way that's a good
way for you.
And it doesn't just have to becompletely, it could be a good
wild, like us when we were kids.
That was a good kind of wild.
So you can change it from a wildthat gives you anxiety to some
(22:29):
other kind of free, calm mindthat can select thoughts out and
keep the ones and and the onesthat are calming for you.
So certain focus on certainthings that make you feel good
throughout your day, and becomemore aware of what's causing you
(22:50):
anxiety, and you can eitherphysically get away from it, you
know, like if it's something andscrolling through your phone, or
if it's people that are makingyou a certain person that's
perhaps producing a lot ofanxiety in you, you can perhaps
limit your time, create certainboundaries, and learn to say no
as well and learn to say no,yes.
(23:12):
You have you can learn to say noto certain especially speak up
for yourself and say no, I'msorry, but this isn't just right
for me right now.
So if you that can take a lot ofcourage, so you have someone
that always wants you to watchthe news, for instance, or is
always talking about somedisaster that's happened, you
can say that.
(23:33):
I can't really take that rightnow.
Can you just, you know, keep itto yourself, please?
And it's not selfish becausesome people say, Oh, you're
selfish, you're not interestedin what's happening in the
world, you're not interested inwhat's going on, you're just a
selfish person.
But the thing is that we believethat if you can keep inner peace
within yourself, then you'regonna be able to emanate that
(23:56):
peace to the people around youand the people that truly matter
to you.
And if everybody did that in theworld, the world would be a very
peaceful and loving world.
So we can only, you know, we canwhat might seem selfish by
because you're not uh becomebeing informed of every tragedy
(24:16):
that's happening, in the end, itmakes you that calm person that
makes other people want to bearound you, and you will
transfer that calmness, you'lltransfer me, transfer it onto
them.
So, in the end, it's an act ofbeing maybe selfish in the
(24:37):
moment and taking care ofyourself is helping so many
other people around you, andthat's especially important to
remember, also, as people thatare in the giving, like if
you're a nurse or a doctor's andhow to therapy on the plane, put
your own life mask on first,exactly, and it's because if you
(25:01):
don't have that, then the peoplearound you won't have it either.
So if you don't bother to putyour oxygen mask on, you're not
gonna be able to help that manypeople around you, and it's the
same thing as saying, okay, I'mgonna take care of myself and
what's going through my own mindat the moment, which is
important for me in order to beable to help all the other
(25:23):
people around me, is really,really essential.
And I think just by knowing thatit's anxiety is something that
you've learnt, whether youlearnt it by yourself or it's a
transferred habit, somethingthat somebody else has taught
you to be that way, is somethingyou can unlearn.
And the first step is justbecoming aware of it and saying,
(25:44):
I don't want that.
I'm aware of this now, and wow,boy, is this gonna make a change
in my life.
What is, and you're becomingmore you're focused on what's
making you feel good, and thereis less of what's making you
feel anxious, and that canbecome part of your normal life.
The new routine and the newroutine, a new comfort zone,
(26:08):
which is a zone that you'reactually calm in.
And you can actually you canalso actually listen to
mindfulness and learn new thingsas well about how how
mindfulness works and how youcan become more mindful and more
in the present moment.
Because when you are in thepresent moment, that's when your
(26:28):
life expands and you feel greatand you feel good and you feel
calm, and you can share thatloving energy with other people.
You've got more time, more time,more you can become more
empathic with other people, youbecome more aware of the
non-verbal cues they're givingoff, and you can also help them
(26:51):
more, the people that you lovearound you, you can think
because because your mind iscalmer and your anxiety is quiet
and everybody feels anxiety,everybody.
We feel it, we know that it'sit's a normal thing, but whether
it's always always present inyour life, it doesn't have to
(27:12):
be.
No, no, you can learn to manageit, you can manage it, and learn
to quieten it, and you can learnto prioritize feeling and learn
how to feel it every day andlearn how to feel it and feel
safe not feeling it, yeah.
And you can also maybe look atyour habits as well.
What do you what are you eating?
(27:32):
What are you drinking?
Are you having 10 cups of coffeeexactly during the day just
because you feel you need to youknow survive?
Or look at maybe changing it tosome matcha tea or something
else that feel makes you feelenergized, but karma.
Yes, that's a good point.
Just looking at your dailyhabits, all the kind of habits
that you wouldn't think anxietyis a habit.
(27:54):
No, just cutting back.
Or it it's like we had Iremember somebody once told me,
but if I don't worry about it,it means that something horrible
is going to happen.
Now that that's we know thatthat's not a reasonable way of
thinking.
Is that true?
Is that really true?
If you don't worry, willsomething no, it that's not
(28:16):
true.
You did if you don't worry aboutit, it doesn't mean that it's
well, how was it?
You know, that's right.
I'm getting twisted in my ownmind now saying worry doesn't
help you, does it?
No, worry does not actually helpyou, exactly.
It doesn't mean that it's it'slike when you think if I'm too
(28:38):
happy, something bad is going tohappen.
Yeah, and you don't allow youdon't allow yourself to feel
happy.
Exactly, yes.
And is that necessarily true?
No, it's not.
It's not true, it's not true,it's you feeling fear and
anxious and that's anxiousbecause you're suddenly feeling
(28:58):
so happy or so calm.
You think this isn't life.
This can't life can't be likethat.
This can't be right.
Something bad has to happen.
But it does that something badand something good always
happen.
Life will always have its upsand downs.
We have to focus and plungeourselves into the good and
(29:22):
allow the bad.
Allow the bad to just it's justpart of this roller coaster that
life is.
Things will always happen, andthere is not much we can
actually control, even in ourown personal lives, our health.
Uh yes, up to a certain point wecan control it.
We can build ourselves, but thenafterwards things happen that
(29:45):
would that are uh out of ourcontrol in everything, every
life, it's always like that.
You can't you might get suddenlyfind your partner's decided to
leave you.
There's that's out of yourcontrol.
You could have done everythingyou you could possibly to save
that relationship, but it's justchanged.
(30:07):
It's and that's when you have tolearn to let go.
And letting go is a big part ofunderstanding uh how to uh you
couldn't let go of your anxietytoo in the same way, very much
so.
So I think we've tried to saysome of the main points for
(30:30):
today, and obviously there's alot more to discuss, but this is
just the first step about how tobecome aware that anxiety is
something that you may havelearned how to do, and you can
learn to undo it slowly butsurely.
Surely.
(30:50):
So do come and say hi onInstagram at get will with the
English Sisters to show yoursupport andor on YouTube or both
if you're feeling generous.
And come and see the videoversion of this too, where
you'll see us the video.
Also, click on the link in ourbio so you can see everything
(31:14):
that we're up to at the moment,and just come and say hi.
We really appreciate you.
Thank you for listening.
The podcast is growing, we wantit to grow more, so please do
subscribe to our YouTubechannel, follow us on social
media because every like andevery follow they really do
count, they count and they makeus grow, and we appreciate you
(31:34):
so much.
So, thank you very much.
Thank you.
Lots of love and smiles from theEnglish sisters.
Bye.
Feeling anxious.
I think we all do sometimes, butwhat we might not realize is
that anxiety, feeling anxiousand the whole thing around
anxiety can actually besomething we can unlearn.
Yeah, and it can be somethingthat you're so comfortable with
(00:21):
having without even realizing itthat you can you it it kind of
forms a an anxiety habit of youjust feeling anxious all the
time and that kind of gives youa feeling of safety.
We are therapists, we are hereto help you, and you're
listening to get real with uhEnglish podcast, and it always
(00:48):
seems to be unbelievable,doesn't it?
Because it does why on earthwould anxiety be a habit?
But unfortunately, it's verymuch a habit, and it's something
that we learn even when we'revery, very young, and we can
learn it from a parent, from uhsomebody that takes care of us,
(01:11):
and we can observe and and andlearn.
We kind of catch it, can't we?
You can catch anxiety.
You catch anxiety, you you verymuch feel it when somebody's
around you, you can just feelit.
There are small non-verbal cuesthat that person will give off
as well, and us as humans, wecan detect those cues, and we're
(01:33):
very, very good at detectingthem when we're very young.
And even small babies, yes, theycan see they can detect it, even
babies in the womb can detectit.
That's what yeah, apparentlythat is very, very true.
And as soon as we're born, we'revery, very capable and very able
because that's what we need forsurvival.
(01:54):
So we need to know that we'regonna have somebody that's gonna
look after us and be able tonourish us and take care of us,
and if that person isoverwhelmed and feeling very,
very anxious, we certainly totake that makes a very anxious
baby.
So it's something that we learn.
So if we can learn to beanxious, we can also unlearn it,
(02:18):
can't we?
Yes, that's the exciting newstalk about today is how to
unlearn some of these mentalbehaviors that we have learned
and can they're tricky becausethey may have been instilled in
us for a very, very long timeand they may have become part of
what's actually become ourcomfort zone.
(02:40):
So we know we feel when we feelanxious, we feel as if that's
normal, and that is how we'resupposed to be feeling because
if we're not feeling anxious,like what many of our clients
have told us, they fear theworst may happen.
That brings me back to a timewhen I was thinking about when I
(03:01):
had really high blood pressure,poor thing, and I didn't know I
had it.
No, and uh it was actually thegynecologist at the time that
she measured my blood pressure,and she said, No, it's really
high, you have to go to acardiologist for that.
So I went to the cardiologistand I said, But how come I don't
I I can't notice this?
And she said, Unfortunately,when you have very high blood
(03:25):
pressure, sometimes that's whyit's called the silent killer,
you're not aware of it, and yourbody is actually used to running
on that high blood pressure, andyou're gonna feel really weird
once you're on medication atfirst, until you get used to it.
So I'm warning you, Violetta, becareful.
When you first start taking themedication, you might feel a bit
(03:46):
out of sorts, which I did, andthen I thought of her, and then
I thought, okay, this is normal,so it was fine.
And then afterwards, I got usedto it and I was fine.
But it's funny how it's it'ssimilar to feeling anxious.
I was feeling okay on it, eventhough I knew well, once I found
out, I knew I had high bloodpressure.
But I thought, how comes I'm notfeeling like bad, ill, or
(04:07):
something?
Well, wouldn't I know?
Wouldn't I know?
Wouldn't I have a symptom ofthis?
And a lot of the times that'sthe same with anxiety, unless
you're in tune with it, orsomebody you've listened to like
this podcast, or somebody elsehas told you about it, you might
just not really become be awareof it, but you might just be
living in a constant state ofchronic anxiety, which is the
(04:30):
kind of anxiety we're actuallygonna be talking about more
today, because that's theanxiety that we feel is the the
more subtle one, the one that'sthe one that's habit forming.
It's habit forming, exactly.
It's like what what what's thatexpression you say?
You don't realise until the tonethe boiling frog.
The boiling frog, yeah.
What what is that?
Well, the boiling frog is thatyou put a frog in the cold water
(04:53):
and they don't realise they'rein boiling hot water and they
die.
They don't realise that thewater slowly gets hotter, they
don't uh because because atfirst you put them in cold water
and so they're they it's a slowthing, they slow thing.
So they can't jump out.
That's what I think about them.
No, no, that's it.
(05:15):
That's uh the way the metaphorcomes from which is what when
you're in a high stresssituation or you're feeling
really anxious, you probablyknow you're anxious, but you
don't realise how anxious andhow abnormal that actually is
until maybe you have feeldifferent like a panic attack or
something that actually alertsyou to it.
(05:35):
Something quite dramatic, thenyou think, oh dear, yeah.
That and that'll actually alert,and then that's when you go to
your doctor, and then the doctorwill tell you you're suffering
from anxiety and it's beenbrought on by this or whatever.
But um a lot of the times youdon't realize what it is until
you don't no longer have it.
(05:56):
Yes, or how insidious itactually is and how it's
affecting you and your Iremember, for example, my my my
son's girlfriend, when she firstcame over to stay with us, she
used to she used to really shesaid, gosh, everyone's sort of
so calm around here.
This house is calm.
And I said, But your house iscalm too.
(06:17):
She said, Oh no.
You know, those words, sheactually said it, no.
I can especially around you.
She said, I feel like calm, andand and I've only noticed it now
because it's different to how Iwould feel at my house, and she
loves her parents very much, butshe said it feels different
here.
So sometimes it takes for you toactually go out of that
(06:40):
environment for you to realizewhat kind of environment you're
actually in.
It's like sometimes at work youmight think it's normal to feel
like that constant state ofanxiety until you go to a new
new job and you think, gosh,people around here are like so
chill.
What the hell is going on?
You know, this is nice, this isgood.
(07:02):
I like this, but you didn'trealize it because you were
constantly in it.
Very much like the high bloodpressure or the frog.
Yes, yeah, which is scary.
And so, what how what can weactually help you with if we can
make you realize that numberone, you may be in that chronic
(07:26):
state of anxiety.
Well, if you're snapping orbeing maybe you know, getting
angry quickly and things likethat, that's one of the signs,
isn't it?
That is one of the signs.
Another sign is that you don'tfeel that you have enough energy
just to do anything at all.
So, like anybody that comes andsays, Do you want to do this?
(07:46):
your first reaction would be, ohno, yeah, uh, I can't handle it.
You think I can't handle it.
There's a reason why you'rethinking you can't handle it
because your brain is filledwith anxiety and anxious
thoughts.
Yeah.
So you feel as if anything elsethat's comes.
(08:06):
Anything that's not an autopilotthat you're not doing every day
is an extra.
So it's an extra thing.
If it's a nice thing, like goingon holiday or yeah, it could be
something good, but that's good.
It's just an extra thing for youto think about, and you you just
feel as if you can't.
It could tip over, you know, theuh the the the the balance of
(08:31):
balance because you're trying tokeep everything together, aren't
you?
You're like juggling and tryingto walk on eggs, as to say,
because your nervous system isactually walking on these
eggshells, and you don't reallyrealize it.
So we have to first of all,first step is to become aware of
(08:52):
it and think maybe it, you know,that's how I might be feeling
right now.
And even though we'retherapists, I say that to myself
many a times.
I think, gosh, I'm actuallyanxious now.
I know, I'm feeling anxiety.
Yeah, I'm feeling anxiety.
But then I'm become aware of itand I think, okay, yes.
(09:15):
I also think about something wespoke about in an episode before
this, which is are thesethoughts, is this thought
actually helpful to me now forme to be overthinking something?
And if if the answer is no, thenI really do try and you know
stop thinking about it.
I know that can be easier saidthan done, depending on what it
(09:39):
is, but many times there arethoughts that you can put aside,
or you can use the like the thetraffic light system, can't you?
Where you say, is this a helpfulthought, green, go ahead with
it.
Yes.
Or if it's not helpful, red,stop.
Stop.
And you can you can in your mindstop, and then you can you can
(10:03):
change your thoughts becausewhen our mind is ours.
It shouldn't be a runaway train,it shouldn't be like free to
just roam and like uh someonewas telling me the other day, a
friend of mine was saying, mymind is like is like inside it's
like chaos.
I I I'm constantly having allthese anxious thoughts floating
(10:27):
around inside me, bits of newsthat I read about people that
have died, or a plane crash, oruh an earthquake somewhere in
the world, and all the the theworld is so unsettled, and we're
not at peace, and there's somany wars going on.
And I said, You have to put astop to all that, and when
(10:48):
you're in the present moment,just be here and now.
And she said, How do I do that?
And I said, You have to installa habit of mindfulness.
So I she, you know, putting thebrakes on those thoughts and
bringing yourself back to whereyou are now, are your feet
grounded on the floor, is thesunshine around you, or you've
(11:11):
got a pretty flower on your onyour desk at work, just come
back into the now and how yoursenses are feeling.
So, you know, take a few deepbreaths and then think about
something pleasant.
That that's actually a reallygood point.
Even just having a plant or apretty flower, and I think you
if you make the effort to tobecome aware of grounding
(11:35):
yourself and making sure thatever in your environment there
is something that's going togive you joy, like like a um a
plant or a flower or something,something you can look at that
could bring you back into thepresent.
I think that's why we likepleasant things around us so
much.
Yeah, we could even be like alittle crystal or a little soft
(11:58):
toy.
We bought a soft toy the otherday, didn't we?
Just because we liked it.
Yeah, they're like this teddybear.
You're thinking, oh, we're a bitold for that.
We just bought ourselves, youknow, these two like little
teddy bears.
Well, you bought one foryourself, and then you bought me
one.
I did, because I thought there'stwo of them.
Of course, I there's two, andthey were like there, they were
(12:20):
really cute, like crochetedlittle teddy bears in this
lovely camel colour.
But look, even the way I'mexplaining it, when I see that
little toy, it brings me joy.
It reminds me of the memoryconduct.
But the reason is that it bringsyou back into where you are now,
exactly into the present moment.
(12:41):
It's something to look at that'ssensory and will give you that
joy.
It's the same thing, like a softblanket, something you can touch
will bring you back.
Many people, in order to bringthem back, they have that
elastic band technique whichgives you they snap the elastic
band that they put on theirwrist.
That's a different way, andthat's also bringing you back
(13:02):
in.
If you prefer that, that's alsoa renowned technique that bring
gives you a little snap, alittle bit of pain in that case,
which we go for more somethingthat brings you delight instead
of the pain.
But that's a very instantlyquick way of bringing you back
into the moment.
Back into the lovely, thatlovely soft little waistcoat
(13:25):
that I bought the other day.
Yes, I loved it, and then I wentand I was touching it really
softly, caressing it.
I I thought this is really cute.
It was like a fake false burstthing, but it was lovely and
soft and tactile.
And that's a reason why youliked it so much.
But then I actually reallyenjoyed wearing it, and I got
compliments on it as well, otherpeople saying they liked it, and
(13:48):
I said yes, and I also like itbecause it's really lovely to
wear, because it's very tactileand soft.
But there's a reason behindthese things, is and if we're
aware of them, we're put more,we won't like you think that was
a guilty pleasure buying alittle toy.
But the toy also brought us backto our childhood, didn't we
(14:12):
think of dad?
And then he used to buy us softtoys.
Exactly.
So and it's like it'severything, they're all anchors
to the past, but they're good,feel good anchors that make you
feel grounded and in the presentmoment and loved.
So if you buy yourself somefresh flowers, there's actually
a big study around fresh flowersin the home and how they can
actually obviously, if you'renot allergic to them, I was
(14:34):
thinking that I'm like allergicto some of them, but if you're
not having uh investing themoney and the time or going to
pick them or whatever, even inyourself and having them in your
home can reduce anxiety becauseit's something that's going to
make you focused on that at themoment, and it defocuses you
(14:56):
from the rest of your anxiousthoughts.
It can help you by focusing onsomething that makes you feel
good, you're also slowing timedown, which makes you feel as if
you have more time to doeverything in the end.
That's very interesting becausetime is such a playful element,
(15:19):
really.
It is totally, totally littlemischievous thing.
You can actually manage to slowit down yourself, and you would
say that's that's impossible.
It's an illusion, but everythingis an illusion.
When you're waiting for adentist appointment out there,
you're nervous.
(15:39):
Well, I am, and time seems that20 minutes waiting there, oh my
gosh, can be like an eternity.
Whether as 20 minutes having achat with you with your letter
can seem like nothing.
We said it today, didn't we?
How time has flown by.
Time just flew by the minute youcame here, and it was lunchtime
(16:00):
already.
And I thought, how could thatbe?
And I realize, you know, theheart that that is why it's such
a playful element, because it'sit can become so.
I mean, we had that client,didn't we, who said she was
really busy, she's a doctor.
She said she was really busy allthe time, and we said, slow time
down.
And she said, How can I do that?
I go, first of all, you have tomake time for yourself.
(16:22):
So between one visit and thenext, make sure you have a
break, a five-minute break.
And she said, Oh, that's a goodidea.
And then in those five can yeah,in those five minutes, take a
few deep breaths.
You can maybe journal a coupleof thoughts down that are making
you feel good, something lookforward to something you're
(16:42):
going to do tonight.
Sensory things around you thatare pleasant.
Like, well, we said that aswell.
That really helped her.
You can have some a nice scentthat you can smell.
I think she even had some kindof soft toy, if I remember
correctly.
I can't remember.
I can't remember exactly, butthere was something that she
said she would actually look atthat would actually make her
(17:05):
feel calmer.
Yeah.
Have some kind of good anchor toit because everything we have
around us reflects back somekind of anchor to us, and it
will bring us back into thattime and moment.
That's why we bring backsouvenirs from holidays.
Otherwise, why would we do that?
We go to a place, might even bejust a little pebble, and we
(17:26):
might keep that because thatreminded us of something.
Well, you brought back theoregano, didn't you?
The oregano.
And I what was I doing?
You were smelling, you smell it.
We bought that back from fromCalabria from our holidays.
From our holidays in in thesouth of Italy.
We were we bought that back andwe and I was just smelling it,
(17:47):
yes, immediately bringing meback to that place, and also to
our my our childhood where weused to have that on the
mountains when we would go to LaSierra in Spain because our mum
was Spanish, and that that kindof smell just instantly brings
me back to it.
But those were the days where wewould just be roaming.
(18:07):
Happy and free like wild.
We would think we would nobodywas looking at us, but
obviously, our auntie was justdown at the house.
We thought it was this massivemountain that we were climbing.
It's a big garden, it was forour standards.
For our standards, because wewere from London and we had
little homes, uh, little homes,little gardens.
(18:29):
To be just out there on theSierra, it was like, oh we're
the mountain.
We thought we were wild, didn'twe?
We did.
We were wild.
We were we weren't that wildaround all day, yeah.
But now of course we had shoeson, but not all the time.
Did we?
Not all the time, no.
But we were like free.
We felt as if we were freebecause we did nothing all day
(18:52):
but play exactly in them in thegarden, yeah, in the mountains,
in the mountainside and climb upto the top of the mountain with
the rocks like little rabbits.
Yes, that's why it was such ajoy at that age.
Sunshine, we get called in forfood at lunch.
For food and we'd have to havethe siesta, we'd have to be
forced to go to sleep a coupleof hours if we say, Hey, that
was tedious.
(19:12):
I still remember all the adultsin the same room.
Otherwise, the kids would bemaking a well do you remember
they just built the because theyhadn't built their main house,
they'd built the little house,they'd just built like a little
shack house of one floor, andall the beds were in the like
side by side.
Oh my god, there was like itlooked like a five beds in the
(19:33):
dormitory, yeah, like a littlecooker in the corner.
I can't remember.
But they were just whale days ofjust like doing nothing all day,
just playing with our cousins inthe sunshine.
You could see the adults justlike preparing food.
Is that what like yeah, theywould like to go to the garden
would be uh growing theirtomatoes, oh yeah, it'd be like
(19:56):
a vegetable patch, yeah, yeah.
It was just total contact withnature, and I think that's
probably why I love it so much.
I was good men love that.
Oh yeah, it just plays lovely.
Yeah, and so having somethinglike that brings back that kind
of anchor and those kind ofmemories, that's why they're
(20:17):
important.
That can really bring you backinto your help you naturally
unlearn some of the habits thatyou might have formed.
So you have to and I think youhave to become really aware of
like what is actually making youfeel anxious.
(20:39):
So notice like when you'rescrolling on social media, is it
making you feel good or is itgiving you anxiety?
For instance, the other daythere was a lady that was
scrolling through and she wastelling, look at this, look at
this horrible thing that'shappened.
Oh my god.
That's not too far away from me.
So she was really relating.
And I said to her, Look, you'vealready told me that you suffer
(21:02):
from anxiety, so this is nothelping you right now.
We're at, you know, we're at thedinner table, just enjoy being
here and now in the presentmoment.
And she said, Oh, you're soright.
I should do more of that.
So just become aware of what'sactually giving you joy and
what's actually overwhelming youand making you feel as if you
can't you can't do anythingabout it.
(21:25):
Because when that's when I thinkthat's when people get really
anxious when you feel as if youhave no control or you can't
help in any way, but you can youcan be the driver, you can
control in many, many aspects.
You can control some of thethoughts that are going to go in
(21:47):
through your brain, you can dothat by learning that these
thoughts can be harnessed, as tosay, in a certain way.
You know, your brain is not justa wild horse off and about and
running and going nuts.
No, you can control it, you canlearn to harness it, you can
(22:08):
learn to drive it in theappropriate way that's a good
way for you.
And it doesn't just have to becompletely, it could be a good
wild, like us when we were kids.
That was a good kind of wild.
So you can change it from a wildthat gives you anxiety to some
(22:29):
other kind of free, calm mindthat can select thoughts out and
keep the ones and and the onesthat are calming for you.
So certain focus on certainthings that make you feel good
throughout your day, and becomemore aware of what's causing you
(22:50):
anxiety, and you can eitherphysically get away from it, you
know, like if it's something andscrolling through your phone, or
if it's people that are makingyou a certain person that's
perhaps producing a lot ofanxiety in you, you can perhaps
limit your time, create certainboundaries, and learn to say no
as well and learn to say no,yes.
(23:12):
You have you can learn to say noto certain especially speak up
for yourself and say no, I'msorry, but this isn't just right
for me right now.
So if you that can take a lot ofcourage, so you have someone
that always wants you to watchthe news, for instance, or is
always talking about somedisaster that's happened, you
can say that.
(23:33):
I can't really take that rightnow.
Can you just, you know, keep itto yourself, please?
And it's not selfish becausesome people say, Oh, you're
selfish, you're not interestedin what's happening in the
world, you're not interested inwhat's going on, you're just a
selfish person.
But the thing is that we believethat if you can keep inner peace
within yourself, then you'regonna be able to emanate that
(23:56):
peace to the people around youand the people that truly matter
to you.
And if everybody did that in theworld, the world would be a very
peaceful and loving world.
So we can only, you know, we canwhat might seem selfish by
because you're not uh becomebeing informed of every tragedy
(24:16):
that's happening, in the end, itmakes you that calm person that
makes other people want to bearound you, and you will
transfer that calmness, you'lltransfer me, transfer it onto
them.
So, in the end, it's an act ofbeing maybe selfish in the
(24:37):
moment and taking care ofyourself is helping so many
other people around you, andthat's especially important to
remember, also, as people thatare in the giving, like if
you're a nurse or a doctor's andhow to therapy on the plane, put
your own life mask on first,exactly, and it's because if you
(25:01):
don't have that, then the peoplearound you won't have it either.
So if you don't bother to putyour oxygen mask on, you're not
gonna be able to help that manypeople around you, and it's the
same thing as saying, okay, I'mgonna take care of myself and
what's going through my own mindat the moment, which is
important for me in order to beable to help all the other
(25:23):
people around me, is really,really essential.
And I think just by knowing thatit's anxiety is something that
you've learnt, whether youlearnt it by yourself or it's a
transferred habit, somethingthat somebody else has taught
you to be that way, is somethingyou can unlearn.
And the first step is justbecoming aware of it and saying,
(25:44):
I don't want that.
I'm aware of this now, and wow,boy, is this gonna make a change
in my life.
What is, and you're becomingmore you're focused on what's
making you feel good, and thereis less of what's making you
feel anxious, and that canbecome part of your normal life.
The new routine and the newroutine, a new comfort zone,
(26:08):
which is a zone that you'reactually calm in.
And you can actually you canalso actually listen to
mindfulness and learn new thingsas well about how how
mindfulness works and how youcan become more mindful and more
in the present moment.
Because when you are in thepresent moment, that's when your
(26:28):
life expands and you feel greatand you feel good and you feel
calm, and you can share thatloving energy with other people.
You've got more time, more time,more you can become more
empathic with other people, youbecome more aware of the
non-verbal cues they're givingoff, and you can also help them
(26:51):
more, the people that you lovearound you, you can think
because because your mind iscalmer and your anxiety is quiet
and everybody feels anxiety,everybody.
We feel it, we know that it'sit's a normal thing, but whether
it's always always present inyour life, it doesn't have to
(27:12):
be.
No, no, you can learn to manageit, you can manage it, and learn
to quieten it, and you can learnto prioritize feeling and learn
how to feel it every day andlearn how to feel it and feel
safe not feeling it, yeah.
And you can also maybe look atyour habits as well.
What do you what are you eating?
(27:32):
What are you drinking?
Are you having 10 cups of coffeeexactly during the day just
because you feel you need to youknow survive?
Or look at maybe changing it tosome matcha tea or something
else that feel makes you feelenergized, but karma.
Yes, that's a good point.
Just looking at your dailyhabits, all the kind of habits
that you wouldn't think anxietyis a habit.
(27:54):
No, just cutting back.
Or it it's like we had Iremember somebody once told me,
but if I don't worry about it,it means that something horrible
is going to happen.
Now that that's we know thatthat's not a reasonable way of
thinking.
Is that true?
Is that really true?
If you don't worry, willsomething no, it that's not
(28:16):
true.
You did if you don't worry aboutit, it doesn't mean that it's
well, how was it?
You know, that's right.
I'm getting twisted in my ownmind now saying worry doesn't
help you, does it?
No, worry does not actually helpyou, exactly.
It doesn't mean that it's it'slike when you think if I'm too
(28:38):
happy, something bad is going tohappen.
Yeah, and you don't allow youdon't allow yourself to feel
happy.
Exactly, yes.
And is that necessarily true?
No, it's not.
It's not true, it's not true,it's you feeling fear and
anxious and that's anxiousbecause you're suddenly feeling
(28:58):
so happy or so calm.
You think this isn't life.
This can't life can't be likethat.
This can't be right.
Something bad has to happen.
But it does that something badand something good always
happen.
Life will always have its upsand downs.
We have to focus and plungeourselves into the good and
(29:22):
allow the bad.
Allow the bad to just it's justpart of this roller coaster that
life is.
Things will always happen, andthere is not much we can
actually control, even in ourown personal lives, our health.
Uh yes, up to a certain point wecan control it.
We can build ourselves, but thenafterwards things happen that
(29:45):
would that are uh out of ourcontrol in everything, every
life, it's always like that.
You can't you might get suddenlyfind your partner's decided to
leave you.
There's that's out of yourcontrol.
You could have done everythingyou you could possibly to save
that relationship, but it's justchanged.
(30:07):
It's and that's when you have tolearn to let go.
And letting go is a big part ofunderstanding uh how to uh you
couldn't let go of your anxietytoo in the same way, very much
so.
So I think we've tried to saysome of the main points for
(30:30):
today, and obviously there's alot more to discuss, but this is
just the first step about how tobecome aware that anxiety is
something that you may havelearned how to do, and you can
learn to undo it slowly butsurely.
Surely.
(30:50):
So do come and say hi onInstagram at get will with the
English Sisters to show yoursupport andor on YouTube or both
if you're feeling generous.
And come and see the videoversion of this too, where
you'll see us the video.
Also, click on the link in ourbio so you can see everything
(31:14):
that we're up to at the moment,and just come and say hi.
We really appreciate you.
Thank you for listening.
The podcast is growing, we wantit to grow more, so please do
subscribe to our YouTubechannel, follow us on social
media because every like andevery follow they really do
count, they count and they makeus grow, and we appreciate you
(31:34):
so much.
So, thank you very much.
Thank you.
Lots of love and smiles from theEnglish sisters.
Bye.
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