10 Minute Thoughts - Real Talk: When It's Time to End a Friendship

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Can you recognize when a friendship has run its course, or are you still holding on to a relationship that's draining your energy? On this episode of Go Ask Sawyer, I share my personal journey of grappling with ending friendships, reflecting on my own shortcomings and struggles to show up for others. From constant arguments to feeling emotionally exhausted and untrue to myself, I discuss the key signs that a friendship may need to end. We also delve into the tough conversations around aligning values and deciding when it's time to distance oneself from negative influences.

Navigating the end of a friendship is never easy, and as a self-confessed "big ghoster," I open up about my desire to transition towards more direct, albeit awkward, communication. Join me as I uncover the complex dynamics involved in recognizing when a friendship is no longer beneficial. We'll explore the imbalances in effort and emotional investment, and how to address the persistent arguments that signal it's time to move on. This episode aims to provide valuable insights and encourages the courage needed to prioritize your personal well-being, offering a candid and heartfelt discussion for anyone grappling with difficult friendships.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, welcome back to Go Ask Sawyer.
This is Jamie, your host with10-Minute Thoughts, and I have
recorded this podcast.
I think this is my ninth time.
I have deleted and deleted, anddeleted and friends.
I just got to be super honestand say I have not been a good
friend all the time.
I have not been a good friendto people that I love.

(00:21):
I have not been a good friendto family members.
I have not been a good friendto myself.
I want to talk today a littlebit about how do you know when a
friendship is over, and I thinkthat's something that we don't
talk about or discuss very often.
Usually it's something.
There's some sort of fight orsome sort of drama or something,
and then two people just fallaway from each other and nothing

(00:43):
is really ever talked about, ormaybe surface level things are
talked about, but that's reallyabout it.
I had a friendship all throughhigh school, into college and
after college we got in a hugefight, both hurt feelings and
instead of like sitting with thefeelings, we both just screamed
at each other over the phoneand then didn't talk for three
years, maybe four.

(01:04):
I have not been a good friendin that I have not shown up for
people.
I have not listened to people.
I have not shown up as my trueself.
I have not spoken up for myselfin friendships, for the other
people to know what hurts me,for the other people to know
what I don't stand for.
When I first came out as gay, Ihad a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot

(01:28):
of gay jokes.
I endured a lot of gay jokesand I felt like I just needed to
take it because it was like apunishment or something.
But how do you really likestand up and say like no, like,
don't make those jokes.
It makes me feel uncomfortable.
Saying like no, like don't makethose jokes, it makes me feel
uncomfortable, don't make thosejokes.
Like I'm not okay with that.

(01:48):
How do you say to a friend likethe way you view the world is
not in alignment with myself?
Anyone who knows me knows I'mconstantly on some sort of
growth journey.
Um, I've been for since I've, Iguess, since I've really come
out, just to kind of dig deep asto why it took me so long to
come out and you know why Istruggled so much with it, and I

(02:09):
mean a lot of that had to dowith, oh my gosh, so many things
.
But I mean growing up in a veryLutheran household bubble,
going to private schools no oneever talked about gay people.
I mean back in the 80s when Iwas born, and into the 90s and
early 2000s, like divorce was abig deal, so coming out was

(02:30):
still not even accepted, and Iwas also married.
So so many layers to that.
But how and why do we stay infriendships that make us feel
bad?
How and why do we stay infriendships that there's arguing
almost every time you hang out?
Why do we stay in friendshipsthat we know we should end but
what we don't feel good enoughabout ourself to end it, we

(02:52):
don't feel strong enough to evenhave the conversation with that
other person.
Hey, I don't think we're inalignment anymore.
Hey, I don't think we seethings the same and there is
100%, I think, a differencebetween us having different
views of the world and thensometimes realizing that other
person's views are like negativetoward you.

(03:15):
How do you know when afriendship is over, when there's
too much fighting, when yourealize you're giving a lot into
the friendship?
Maybe you're always the one toreach out.
Maybe you're always the one tosay, hey, I miss you, hey, I
miss hanging out with you,feeling every time you hang out
like I am here but I don't wantto be here.

(03:35):
I'm here but I'm talking aboutsurface level things.
I'm here but it's not real, andI think we all get to a point
in our lives Now.
It took me a long place to getto where I am now in my forties,
where I don't want drama, likeas soon as I feel something's
off, I'm leaving.
As soon as I feel somethingtension, I'm leaving.

(03:57):
I just don't want that.
I can't.
My system, my nervous system,just doesn't even want to handle
that anymore.
And I have gone back and forthabout oh, maybe I'm being
selfish, maybe I'm expecting toomuch, maybe I want too much.
I can't always have a light,peaceful time, but also why not,
if the people that I have in mylife are truly people that I,

(04:18):
man, I just enjoy being around.
They bring light, they bringlaughter we can have.
We can go deep in conversations.
We might not always see eye toeye, I understand that, but
we're not going to get to thepoint where I feel like I'm
being attacked, where I feellike my beliefs are even being
attacked.
It's different to have aconversation with someone to be
like, okay, let me hear yourpoint of view, let me see where

(04:39):
you're coming from, and to feellike someone is just they're in
it to win it right.
The right fighters, the I don'tcare what the other person has
to say, I am right, those arethe hard.
Those are the hardconversations to have.
And are we willing to sit andhave those or are we just going
to ghost?
I keep thinking about how Idistance myself from situations.

(05:00):
Anyone else out there distancethemselves from situations or
people that they just are like Idon't think we can hang out.
Do you have the conversation?
I recently had a conversationwith someone that I just don't
think we're in alignment anymoreand it was just weird and
awkward because I've neverreally had that conversation.

(05:21):
Is that normal to have thatfriendship conversation?
I don't think that that wasever really taught to us.
Once you have a friend, they'rejust your friend forever, until
someone stops calling or textingand then they're just gone and
then they pop back up in yourlife and again I have friends
like we're busy.
I see some of my people onceevery six months, once every

(05:42):
three months.
Do I wish it was more often?
I do, but I also know we'readults and we have other things
that preoccupy our time.
I have a lot of reallydifferent groups of friendships
that are so amazing and sounique, and I'm so thankful that
I have a lot of reallydifferent groups of friendships
that are so amazing and sounique and I'm so thankful that
I have a million differentoutlets.
But how do you know when it'stime to be done?
How do you have that?

(06:03):
I love this for what it was andnow we're done.
What happens when a friend keepsshowing you who they are and it
doesn't feel good a fewdifferent times and all of a
sudden it's like I don't want tobe involved in this anymore?
What happens when they say Ipromise I've changed, I promise
I've healed, I promise I've doneA, b and C?
Do you even have the energy togive them that second chance,

(06:25):
third chance, fourth chance,fifth chance?
Or is it just like yeah, I'mgood, I'm trying to live more in
the mindset of show me once,I'll give you a second chance,
show me twice and I'm just goingto be good, because I've been
shown that all too often, ifthey've shown me once and twice,
they will show me again Ifyou've lied to me once or twice,
you will lie to me again.

(06:45):
If you've ditched me once ortwice, you will ditch me again.
If you've berated my beliefs orif you've berated who I am, or
if you've made fun of me once ortwice, you will do it again.
Now I will also takeresponsibility in the fact of.
Have I told you that hurt me?
Have I told you that's not okay?
Because I'm a people pleaser,probably would have never said

(07:06):
that before, because I didn'twant to hurt your feelings.
I didn't want to make youuncomfortable.
I would rather take on theuncomfort than make you feel
uncomfortable.
I would rather take on the.
Okay, I'm just going to bequiet over here and let you be
okay so I can fix the situation.
How many of us have done that?
How many of us have sat inplaces where you're like this is

(07:28):
just not okay, but I wouldrather sit here than either A
get up and walk away, b say hey,I'm just not okay with this
anymore, or I don't want to keepgossiping.
Right, like those friendshipswe have around gossiping.
And all of a sudden, one dayyou're like I don't want to keep
gossiping and then the otherpeople are like oh my gosh,
that's weird.
Like why does that matter?
You know they say theconversations that are just real

(07:49):
gossipy are like that surfacelevel.
And it's just hard for me to beon surface level anymore.
It's hard for me to not want togo deep and like want to know
more about you and ask morequestions because I just surface
level is exhausting.
Everyone's trying to live theirown life, like everyone's
trying to do their own thing.
I want to know who you are, atyour core, at your essence.

(08:11):
I don't really care aboutanybody else that's not in the
room.
So how do you know when thatfriendship is over?
How do you know when it needsto be done?
Is it a feeling?
Constant arguments?
You realize you're giving waymore than they're giving.
And then the next questionwould be do you have the
conversation to say, hey, thisis done, or do you just ghost?
I would like.
I used to ghost, I'm a bigghoster, but I would like to

(08:34):
move into the space of.
I'd like to have a conversationand then be done.
That's going to be awkward.
Maybe that'll be a podcastabout when I actually do that.
I love you all.
Let's stay friends.
Bye.