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November 9, 2025 13 mins

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What if your “fierce independence” is actually the hook that keeps you in a toxic loop? We dig into the hidden chemistry between avoidant attachment and narcissistic partners, mapping the quiet drift from self-reliance to self-erasure—and the exact steps to get your power back. Mikey opens up about the exhaustion of being gaslit, the pull of hoovering, and the grief of co‑parenting at a distance, while Dee threads practical tools you can use today.

We break down the telltale signs of the avoidant–narcissist cycle: emotional numbing, intermittent reinforcement that rewards compliance, and love bombing that resets false hope. Then we shift to action. You’ll hear a safety-first exit plan, from gathering documents and securing finances to a neutral breakup script that shuts down circular arguments. We explore no contact versus low contact for those with shared kids, including written-only communication, clear logistics, documentation, and when to involve mediators or attorneys who de-escalate rather than inflame.

Healing doesn’t end at the door. We share cognitive anchors that counter nostalgia—lists of concrete harms to reread when doubt creeps in—plus therapy-backed “micro-bravery” practices: five slow breaths to reset panic, one honest need voiced per day, and low-stakes trust tests that rebuild confidence without overwhelm. Listener questions take us through grieving the imagined future, handling threats with restraint orders and safe contacts, whether narcissists truly

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Episode Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
For our TikTok, Instagram, and other social

(00:02):
media platforms to listen to thefull show, please visit
greatdayradio.com.
That is www.greatdayradio.com.
Be sure to share the love.
Welcome to the Healing Frequencyon GreatdayRadio.com.
I'm DJ D.
Marie, and with me is DJ MikeyD.

SPEAKER_02 (00:19):
Thanks for having me, D.
It's been a minute since we tookon a full relationship talk
collaboration.
I am really excited to talkabout this topic.
It's something I wish I'dunderstood years ago.

SPEAKER_01 (00:30):
Yes, indeed, it has been a while, Mikey.
We certainly have to catch up onyour life since your divorce
later in the show.
So today we're diving intosomething really specific but
incredibly common.
Ending a relationship with anarcissist when you have an
avoidant attachment style.
Mikey, you've been through thisyourself.
What made you realize thisdynamic was happening?

SPEAKER_02 (00:53):
Honestly, the exhaustion.
I kept thinking I was justindependent and didn't need much
from relationships anyway, sowhen my partner would dismiss my
feelings, criticize me, or worstyet, gaslight me, I'd just
withdraw further.
It felt comfortable at first,like we both valued our space.

SPEAKER_01 (01:11):
Right.
That's the tricky part.
It can feel deceptivelycomfortable because both people
are prioritizing autonomy, butthen the manipulation starts
creeping in.

SPEAKER_02 (01:22):
Exactly.
And as someone avoidant, I wasalready minimizing my own needs,
so when they'd gaslight me orinvalidate my feelings, I'd just
think, well, maybe I am toosensitive, or I should just
handle this on my own.

SPEAKER_01 (01:35):
That self-blame is so common.
And for avoidant folks, there'sthis tendency to think
withdrawing is the healthieroption when actually it's just
playing into the narcissist'shands.

SPEAKER_02 (01:46):
Yeah.
And then you get stuck in thiscycle.
They pull away, you chase alittle, they give you just
enough affection to keep youhooked.
It's exhausting.

SPEAKER_01 (01:54):
Let's break this down for listeners who might be
recognizing this pattern.
What are some signs that you'rein an avoidant narcissist
dynamic?

SPEAKER_02 (02:04):
For me, it was feeling numb rather than
connected.
I'd minimize my pain to avoidconflict.
There was this constantintermittent reinforcement.
Affection only showed up when Icomplied or chased after them.
And the gaslighting, man, thatmakes you doubt your own
reality.

SPEAKER_01 (02:19):
And then there's hoovering, when they circle back
with charm after a breakup.
For avoidant people, that canfeel like proof you should stay
distant when actually it'smanipulation.

SPEAKER_02 (02:31):
Oh yeah, the hoovering got me a few times.
They'd come back saying all theright things, and part of me
would think, see, I was right tokeep my distance all along.
But really it was just anothercontrol tactic.

SPEAKER_01 (02:42):
So let's talk about actually leaving this dynamic.
Breaking up with a narcissist ishard for anyone, but it's
especially challenging whenyou're avoidant.
Why is that?

SPEAKER_02 (02:52):
Because we're already conditioned to downplay
problems and prioritizeself-reliance, so we might delay
leaving until we're completelydrained.
And narcissists often targetavoidant people because we don't
create much drama.
We just withdraw quietly.

SPEAKER_01 (03:06):
And that isolation makes it harder to reach out for
support, which is exactly whatthe narcissist wants.
So if someone's ready to leave,what's the first step?

SPEAKER_02 (03:17):
Safety first, always.
If there's any threat ofviolence or stalking, you need a
safety plan before you evenannounce you're leaving.
Contact local resources, trustedfriends, shelters, whatever you
need.

SPEAKER_01 (03:29):
And practical supports too.
Gathering important documents,securing finances, having a
place to go.
Even a temporary plan reducestheir power over you.

SPEAKER_02 (03:39):
Absolutely.
And for avoidant folks who mightstruggle with asking for help,
this is where you have to pushagainst that instinct.
Enlist allies, tell trustedpeople your plan, and ask them
to help you hold boundaries.

SPEAKER_01 (03:50):
Let's talk about the actual breakup.
What worked for you?

SPEAKER_02 (03:54):
Great question.
My breakup was sudden andunexpected to a degree.
For me, I had no time to plan orreact.
In fact, I went homeless for abrief period.
Scripting it would be huge.
I would practice a short neutralstatement and keep it brief and
unemotional.
Narcissists love to pull youinto arguments, so I would keep
with my script and stick to it.

SPEAKER_01 (04:15):
And then protecting your mental space afterward,
unfollowing or blocking onsocial media, maybe changing
locks or phone numbers ifneeded.
I recall you mentioned yoursituation after the breakup.
Have to ask, how is your lifenow?

SPEAKER_02 (04:30):
Yeah, and expect manipulation after you leave.
Hoovering, love bombing,promises to change.
Remember how they acted overtime, not their short-term
charm.
Thanks for asking.
No lie.
It has been an adjustment still.
As far as the relationship withthe ex, I have gotten past that
and mentally moved on.
With time apart, I realized thatI was never the one she wanted.

(04:51):
The heartbreak now exists withmy kiddos.
I do not have everydayconnection with them.
Visitations are scattered andcommunications are the same.
I really miss my kids.

SPEAKER_01 (05:00):
That's so important.
And for avoidant people whomight already struggle with
self-blame, cognitive reminderscan help.
Writing down their abusivebehaviors and reading them when
doubt creeps in.
Mikey, I am so sorry.
With the holidays approaching, Ican only imagine how tough that
is on you.
Just know you can always reachout to me should you need to

(05:22):
vent and talk.

SPEAKER_02 (05:23):
Thank you, Dee.
You're an amazing friend.
Therapy is crucial for me too.
Healing avoidant attachmentpatterns takes time, and a good
therapist can help you learn totolerate closeness without
pulling away.

SPEAKER_01 (05:36):
Let's talk about no contact versus low contact.
What's your take?

SPEAKER_02 (05:41):
No contact is ideal when it's safe and possible.
It really helps re-establishyour boundaries and heal.
But if you have shared kids orlegal obligations, low contact
might be necessary.
In that case, keep communicationfocused and written when
possible.
Stick to logistics only.

SPEAKER_01 (05:56):
And document everything if there are children
involved.
Set clear, written agreements.
Use structured communicationtools, maybe even involve
mediators or attorneys.

SPEAKER_02 (06:07):
Exactly.
With the exception of anattorney.
Many family attorneys try andstretch a case so they get paid.
Oftentimes they will add fuel tothe flame to keep the anger
going.
Don't get me wrong, I am notanti-lawyer.
I just want you to consider thatwhen meeting with an attorney.
Okay, back on topic.
Now, recovery for someone withavoidant attachment.

(06:27):
This is where the real workbegins.
For me, it was about threeoverlapping goals reclaiming
safety and autonomy, rebuildingemotional awareness, and
relearning secure relating.

SPEAKER_01 (06:38):
What did that look like practically?

SPEAKER_02 (06:41):
Small vulnerability experiments, sharing minor
feelings with a trustworthyfriend and noticing their
response, practicing boundarysetting in low stakes
situations, even just naming myneeds and asking for them, which
felt huge as someone who'salways been self-reliant.

SPEAKER_01 (06:57):
And being gentle with yourself through the
process, right?
Avoidant patterns formed toprotect you.
Changing them takes time.

SPEAKER_02 (07:04):
So important.
Celebrate small wins, reachingout and forcing a boundary,
staying no contact for a day,those are big steps.

SPEAKER_01 (07:12):
We get a lot of questions from listeners about
this.
One common one is what if I lovethem and still miss them?

SPEAKER_02 (07:18):
It's completely normal to grieve.
Grieve the imagined future andthe good moments, but then
ground yourself in theconsistent behaviors that hurt
you.
The good moments don't cancelout the abuse.

SPEAKER_01 (07:31):
Another one.
What if they threaten me if Ileave?

SPEAKER_02 (07:34):
Prioritize safety above everything.
Document threats, getrestraining orders if needed,
use safe contacts, involveauthorities or shelters.
Your safety comes first.

SPEAKER_01 (07:45):
And can narcissists change?

SPEAKER_02 (07:48):
Genuine change is rare without sustained,
motivated therapy andaccountability.
Don't rely on promises.
Base your decisions on theirconsistent long-term behavior,
not apologies or grand gestures.

SPEAKER_01 (07:58):
And finally, how do I trust again?

SPEAKER_02 (08:01):
That is a great question.
After my breakup and divorce,that is hard to come by, but not
out of reach.
For the sake of the show, startsmall.
Test reliable people with lowstakes requests, notice their
follow-through, and allow trustto grow gradually.
It's a process.

SPEAKER_01 (08:17):
With that being said, Mikey, have you started
dating since the divorce?
Is there any chance for you andyour ex?
Before we wrap up, what's onegrounding step someone can try
right now if they're feelingstuck?

SPEAKER_02 (08:30):
Pause and take five slow breaths to reduce panic.
Write down three concrete harmsthey've done over a period of
time, and identify one personyou can tell about your plan and
one safe place to go if you needimmediate distance.
To answer your question, as faras the ex, no chance whatsoever.
As I mentioned, since before myson was born, she let me know

(08:50):
then that I was not the one forher.
Everything else was not love buta convenience, and pretend, as
she reminded me, there wassomeone I dated for a little
while and we got very close.
What I have learned while inthat relationship is that I was
still healing and dealing withhurt, and I do have trust
issues.
The flip side to that is I havealso learned to identify red

(09:11):
flags and approach it withcaution to protect my heart from
being hurt again.

SPEAKER_01 (09:16):
Perfect.
Mikey, thank you so much forsharing your experience and
wisdom.
This is such important work.

SPEAKER_02 (09:22):
Thanks for having me, Dee.
Remember everyone, ending arelationship with a narcissist
while managing avoid anattachment is hard, but it's
possible.
With preparation, boundaries,and support, you can break the
cycle and build relationshipsthat are respectful and secure.
Stay locked in as we continuethe discussion as we talk about
marriages, affairs, andcheating.

SPEAKER_01 (09:41):
That's all the time we have for this episode on the
Healing Frequency on Great DayRadio.
Until next time, take care ofyourselves and each other.
Stay tuned in for the nextepisode after these messages.

SPEAKER_02 (09:54):
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I'm your host, DJ Mikey D,coming at you with some
fantastic local news that'llbrighten your day.
Today, we're giving a massiveshout out to the incredibly
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(10:16):
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And here's the exciting part.
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valuable real world experience.
This is exactly the kind oflocal talent we love to champion
here on Great Day, Colorado.

(10:37):
You know, supporting emergingprofessionals like Kiana isn't
just about getting greatservice.
It's about investing in ourcommunity's future.
When we support local dreams,we're building a stronger
Colorado together.
So here's my challenge to you,Colorado.
Let's rally behind Kiana andhelp her achieve those goals and
dreams.
Whether you're looking for afresh new look, some expert

(10:59):
skincare, or just want to treatyourself to some quality
self-care.
Now is the perfect time to bookan appointment.
Imagine walking out with glowingskin, feeling refreshed and
revitalized all while knowingyou're supporting a local
Colorado Springs entrepreneurchasing her passion.
Ready to book?
Here's what you need to do.
Call 7196361426 to schedule yourappointment today.

(11:23):
That's 7196361426.
Treat yourself to thatwell-deserved self-care and help
a local talent shine.
Let's make it a great day forKeanu Rose and for Colorado.
Until next time, this is DJMikey D reminding you to shop
local, support local, and buildour community together.

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