Ever felt lonely sitting right next to your partner? We go straight into the quiet moments where intimacy thins and the tough choices that follow. Instead of arguing over labels, we pull apart the real issues: defining what fidelity actually means, how emotional intimacy with someone else can feel like a deeper cut than a physical slip, and why intent matters but impact still breaks trust. Along the way, we share personal stories of betrayal, distance, and the hard-earned lessons that come from trying to repair what feels beyond repair.
We map out the gray areas couples trip over—DMs with an ex, sharing private struggles with a close friend, and those “just talking” connections that start meeting needs once filled at home. You’ll hear a practical framework for setting boundaries that protect trust without turning love into surveillance, and a better question than “Is it cheating?” namely, “What need is unmet, and how do we meet it together?” From there, we lay out the playbook: scheduled check-ins that prioritize emotions over logistics, reviving shared activities that once sparked joy, and active listening that replaces defens
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Episode Transcript
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(00:02):
media audience, please visitgreatdayradio.com or
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Welcome to Great Day Radio'sIntimate Connections.
I'm DJ D.
Marie, and with me is DJ MikeyD.
SPEAKER_00 (00:16):
Great to be here, D.
This is such an important topicwe're diving into today.
SPEAKER_01 (00:20):
Absolutely.
We're talking about somethingthat affects so many
relationships.
What happens when intimacydisappears, and whether seeking
connection outside therelationship is really cheating
when that intimacy is gone.
SPEAKER_00 (00:34):
You know, I think we need to start by defining what
we mean by intimacy because it'sso much more than just physical
connection, right?
SPEAKER_01 (00:43):
Exactly.
Intimacy is this beautifultapestry of emotional
connection, mental engagement,feeling seen and understood by
your partner.
When that starts to fade, peoplecan feel incredibly lonely, even
when they're sitting right nextto their significant other.
SPEAKER_00 (00:59):
That loneliness is real.
It is how I felt in my long-termrelationship with my ex.
I felt like we were roommatesrather than partners.
The emotional distance becomesthis huge chasm between us.
SPEAKER_01 (01:12):
Wow.
That is rough.
And that's where things getcomplicated.
When someone feels thatemotional starvation in their
relationship, is it cheating ifthey seek that emotional
nourishment elsewhere?
SPEAKER_00 (01:24):
I think we have to look at intent.
Is someone seeking connectionelsewhere because they're trying
to fill a void theirrelationship isn't providing, or
are they actively trying tosabotage the relationship?
SPEAKER_01 (01:35):
That's such a good point.
The why matters so much.
But here's the thing even if theintent isn't malicious, the
impact on the other partner canstill feel like betrayal.
SPEAKER_00 (01:46):
Wait, can I jump in here?
Because I think we need todistinguish between emotional
and physical intimacy.
Some people might be okay withtheir partner having deep
friendships, but draw the lineat physical intimacy, while for
others, emotional intimacy withsomeone else feels like the
bigger betrayal.
It really comes down to whateach couple defines as their
boundaries.
SPEAKER_01 (02:06):
That's exactly it.
And that's why communication iseverything.
So many couples never actuallyhave that conversation about
what fidelity means to thembeyond the obvious don't sleep
with other people.
SPEAKER_00 (02:19):
Right.
Like, is it okay to have deepemotional conversations with an
ex?
Is it crossing a line to shareyour relationship problems with
a close friend of the oppositesex?
These are the gray areas thatcan cause so much pain when
they're not discussed.
SPEAKER_01 (02:34):
I remember working with a couple where the husband
felt completely betrayed becausehis wife was sharing intimate
details of their marriage withher best friend, a male friend
she'd known since college.
To him, that felt like emotionalcheating, but to her, she was
just seeking support from atrusted friend.
It reminds me of the story youshared with me about your ex.
(02:57):
Do you mind discussing itbriefly?
SPEAKER_00 (03:00):
That's such a common scenario, and it highlights how
we all have different cheatingthresholds.
The real issue isn't necessarilythe action itself, but the
breach of trust that occurs whenboundaries aren't respected.
For me, I was completing collegeafter transitioning out of the
military.
My ex was having a relationshipwhile I was in Washington State,
(03:20):
and she was in Colorado.
Once approached, she insistedthat it was an emotional
relationship.
The person she was talking toshared details about her
discontent with me.
He also stated they werephysically intimate at some
point.
It was hurtful, but I still feltlike we could work on the issue
since we were both guilty ofhaving an outside relationship.
SPEAKER_01 (03:39):
So here's the million-dollar question.
If intimacy has been missingfrom a relationship for months
or even years, is seeking itelsewhere ever justified?
SPEAKER_00 (03:49):
Man, that's tough.
I don't think there's a one sizefits all answer.
Some people would say absolutelynot, that you work on the
relationship or end it beforeseeking connection elsewhere.
Others might argue that humanbeings have fundamental needs
for connection and when thosearen't being met, but here's
what I keep coming back to theimportance of addressing the
intimacy gap before it becomes acrisis.
SPEAKER_01 (04:11):
Exactly.
It becomes a survival mechanismrather than a choice.
So many couples wait untilthey're in this desperate place
where one or both partners areso starved for connection that
they're vulnerable to seeking itelsewhere.
The time to have theseconversations is before you
reach that breaking point.
SPEAKER_00 (04:30):
Indeed.
(05:40):
And that requires vulnerability,which is scary.
It means saying, hey, I'm notfeeling connected to you lately,
or I miss the emotional intimacywe used to have rather than
letting resentment build up.
SPEAKER_01 (05:51):
Which brings us back to our original question.
Is it cheating?
I think the answer is it dependson the relationship's agreed
upon boundaries.
But more importantly, if you'reconsidering seeking intimacy
elsewhere, that's a huge redflag that your relationship
needs attention.
SPEAKER_00 (06:09):
That's the health perspective right there.
Instead of asking, is thischeating?
Maybe the better question is,why am I feeling the need to
seek this outside myrelationship?
And what can my partner and I doto address that need together?
SPEAKER_01 (06:21):
Beautifully said.
Because at the end of the day,relationships are living things
that need care and attention.
When intimacy fades, it's notnecessarily anyone's fault.
It's often just life happening.
But how we respond to thatfading determines everything.
SPEAKER_00 (06:38):
I think about couples who've been together for
decades.
They go through seasons whereintimacy ebbs and flows.
The successful ones learn torecognize those patterns and
proactively work on reconnectingrather than letting distance
become the new normal.
SPEAKER_01 (06:51):
That's so true.
And you know what?
Sometimes that means gettingprofessional help.
There's no shame in couplescounseling when you're
struggling to reconnect.
In fact, I'd argue it's one ofthe healthiest things you can do
for your relationship.
SPEAKER_00 (07:06):
Absolutely.
I do wish my ex would haveaccepted an offer to seek
marriage counseling.
Unfortunately, she turned itdown several times in our
relationship.
I believe a good therapist canhelp you have those difficult
conversations in a safe spaceand give you tools to rebuild
intimacy.
It's not about assigning blame,it's about rebuilding
connection.
SPEAKER_01 (07:25):
Let's talk practical for a minute.
For couples who feel likeintimacy is slipping away, what
are some concrete things theycan do to start rebuilding?
SPEAKER_00 (07:35):
Well, first, schedule regular check-ins, like
actual appointments with eachother to talk about the
relationship withoutdistractions.
Second, rediscover sharedactivities that brought you joy
early in the relationship.
And third, and this is huge,practice active listening.
SPEAKER_01 (07:52):
Active listening is everything.
So many conflicts arise becausewe're not truly hearing each
other.
We're just waiting for our turnto talk.
SPEAKER_00 (08:01):
Exactly.
And you know, I want to sharesomething personal if that's
okay.
Early in my marriage, we wentthrough a rough patch where we
felt really disconnected.
Military lifestyle had a lot todo with that disconnect.
We started this practice oftaking 15 minutes every evening
to just talk.
No phones, no TV, just checkingin about our days and how we
(08:23):
were feeling while I wasdeployed.
SPEAKER_01 (08:25):
That's beautiful.
And did it help?
SPEAKER_00 (08:27):
I believe then that it transformed our relationship.
Be mindful, she did not want tobe with me prior to discovering
she was pregnant with our son.
Those 15 minutes became sacredspace where we could be
vulnerable and reconnect.
It wasn't always easy.
Sometimes we had difficultconversations, but it prevented
that emotional distance fromgrowing further.
SPEAKER_01 (08:49):
I love that.
It's such a simple practice, butso powerful.
It's about creating intentionalspace for connection rather than
hoping it will just happennaturally.
SPEAKER_00 (08:59):
Which brings us full circle to our original question.
If you're creating thatintentional space and still
feeling disconnected, that'swhen you know you need to dig
deeper, maybe with professionalhelp, rather than looking
outside the relationship.
SPEAKER_01 (09:14):
And if your partner isn't willing to create that
space with you, that's when youhave to ask some hard questions
about whether the relationshipis meeting both people's needs.
SPEAKER_00 (09:23):
Exactly, because seeking intimacy elsewhere when
your partner is unwilling towork on the relationship, that's
a different scenario than whenboth people are trying but
struggling.
SPEAKER_01 (09:33):
So here's my takeaway.
Rather than getting caught up inthe is it cheating debate, focus
on the health of yourrelationship.
If intimacy is lacking, addressit directly with your partner.
Have those uncomfortableconversations.
Seek help if you need it.
SPEAKER_00 (09:49):
And remember that intimacy isn't just something
that happens to you, it'ssomething you actively create
and maintain.
It takes work, but it's workthat's so worth it.
SPEAKER_01 (09:59):
Beautifully said, Mikey.
For our listeners who arestruggling with intimacy in
their relationships, we want youto know you're not alone, and
there are healthy ways toaddress it.
SPEAKER_00 (10:10):
And if you take one thing from our conversation
today, let it be this (10:12):
the time to work on intimacy is before it
becomes a crisis.
Don't wait until you'reconsidering seeking connection
elsewhere to address thedistance in your relationship.
SPEAKER_01 (10:23):
That's perfect.
Mikey, thank you so much forthis incredible conversation and
sharing your own challenges inyour previous relationship.
Such important insights.
SPEAKER_00 (10:33):
Always a pleasure, Dee.
This is such vital stuff forpeople to think about.
SPEAKER_01 (10:37):
To all our listeners, be gentle with
yourselves and your partners.
Relationships are journeys, notdestinations.
Thanks for joining us onIntimate Connections on Great
Day Radio Relationship TalkPodcast.
Until next time.
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