May 14, 2025 • 49 mins
Episode 8: The BIG "O": The Myths & The Lies About Orgasms
In this provocative episode of "Hart 2 Harts With Erika M," Erika takes the reins and delves into the tantalizing world of orgasms, peeling back the layers of myths and lies that surround this essential aspect of human sexuality.
Join Erika as she navigates through the various misconceptions about orgasms, exploring everything from the science behind them to the societal pressures that shape our perceptions of pleasure. She’ll tackle questions like: What truly defines an orgasm? Are there different types? And why do so many people experience frustration when it comes to achieving that peak moment of ecstasy?
With her signature blend of candidness and humor, Erika invites listeners to rethink their views on sexual fulfillment and encourages open dialogue about desires and experiences. This episode is a fearless exploration of pleasure, designed to empower listeners to embrace their sexuality and understand their bodies better. Tune in for an enlightening journey that promises to challenge norms and celebrate the beauty of the "big O"!E:**Episode 8: The Big O – The Myths & The Lies About Orgasms**
In this provocative episode of "Hart 2 Harts With Erika M," Erika takes the reins and delves into the tantalizing world of orgasms, peeling back the layers of myths and lies that surround this essential aspect of human sexuality.
Join Erika as she navigates through the various misconceptions about orgasms, exploring everything from the science behind them to the societal pressures that shape our perceptions of pleasure. She’ll tackle questions like: What truly defines an orgasm? Are there different types? And why do so many people experience frustration when it comes to achieving that peak moment of ecstasy?
With her signature blend of candidness and humor, Erika invites listeners to rethink their views on sexual fulfillment and encourages open dialogue about desires and experiences. This episode is a fearless exploration of pleasure, designed to empower listeners to embrace their sexuality and understand their bodies better. Tune in for an enlightening journey that promises to challenge norms and celebrate the beauty of the "big O"!
..."grab your drink, we should talk"...
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:01):
You're listening to Heart to Hearts with Erika M.
Where midlife isn't a crisis,it's a calling.
Unfiltered, unapologetic, and ohso real.
Let's talk about it, shall we?
Now here's your host, Erika M.
SPEAKER_01 (00:19):
Hello, welcome back.
It's Erika M.
Here with another episode,episode 8, The Big O Orgasms.
The myths, the lies, and thetruth.
We're going to unpack a lot ofstuff here and got to be honest
with you, I was hesitating onpulling this trigger.
I wasn't sure.
But anyway, here I am and I'mback heart to hearts.
My heart to your heart talkingabout the truth and the
(00:39):
realities that no one wants todiscuss because they're messy.
They're not so pretty.
They're not always fun to hear.
And most of the time we don'tWe're in denial, so let's get to
it.
So, Sultry Souls, this episodeis going to be rated M for
mature, messy, and maybe alittle embarrassing.
I know, if you're shy or timid,go for a walk with headphones
on, so just know that, okay?
(01:00):
I'll be touching on topics thatmight tickle your boundaries,
stroke your curiosity, andpossibly spank your old belief
systems, believe it or not.
Before we dive into the steamydepths of today's episode, let's
get one thing straight.
These opinions shared here areall mine.
Erica M., and don't reflectanyone else's views or their
questionable life choices.
If you find yourself feeling abit hot and bothered, that's on
(01:21):
you.
We're exploring the tantalizingworld of sex, intimacy, and
hormones, so take what ignitesyour passion and leave the rest
behind.
And remember, for any medical orpsychological concerns, consult
a professional, please.
I am not that.
because we can't be held liablefor any spontaneous bedroom
escapades or epiphanies that mayarise.
Now let's turn up the heat,shall we?
(01:41):
Listener discretion, stronglyadvised.
But if you're grown, bold, andready to sip the truth tea with
a splash of sass from E, thencome closer, because mama's got
a mic and she's not holdingback.
Let's undress this.
No pun intended.
So grab your drink, your matcha,your tea, your cognac, your
wine.
I miss wine.
But I'm sober, as you know, andI'm also celibate.
(02:03):
So this is pretty crazy that I'mtalking about all this, but it's
important stuff that we all needto talk about.
So let me ask you guyssomething.
Have you ever felt completelydesired one moment then
discarded the next?
Like you were the center ofsomeone's world at night, but
then by morning, it's like younever existed.
Are you left confused and maybewith emotional whiplash and
you're not understanding whatjust happened even though it was
(02:26):
a wonderful night?
It's not love.
It's a trap.
And behind that charm that youexperience, that seductive smile
or that voice that melted you,is something far more dangerous
than you think.
And today I'm going to pull backthat curtain and veil.
I want to talk about the fivesexual secrets that most
narcissists Never want you toknow.
And once you hear them, you'llnever see them or unsee them,
(02:49):
excuse me.
You'll never unsee them again.
And of course, unhear them.
So that makes more sense.
So I want to say sex when sharedbetween two people who actually
care for each other can be sobeautiful.
The connection and the trust andthe vulnerability is
unmatchable.
Something you will always seek.
If you found it, you know whatI'm talking about.
(03:10):
If you haven't, you seek it.
It's like, Kind of that anomaly,you know, like you don't know.
Does it really exist?
I hear about it.
But does it exist?
Does he exist?
Well, once more, and I'm goingto use the word narcissist right
now because here's another termI'll use that I haven't used.
And it's not part of it, but itis part of it because this is
(03:31):
the dynamic between two peoplehaving sex, sharing this
whatever we call sex is,intimacy or transactional.
Let's break it down to thetruth.
It happens between two people.
So when it's that way, ofcourse, you can build it with a
healthy person or a not healthyperson.
And usually the narcissists arethe unhealthy people.
(03:54):
And usually they seek the morehealthy version, which is the
super empath.
But what happens if the superempath or the empath that's a
baby empath, like a babyvampire, sounds so funny.
You'll know if you know.
I'm not going to explaineverything.
You know if you know.
We'll have doubts and then we'llget influenced by that
narcissist who could probably be10.0 like my last situationship,
(04:15):
whom I will just call A, okay?
We're going to call him A, whoshowed me that even though I was
strong and I entered into it, Imet him at a very vulnerable
stage.
So he got the best of me.
And that's why this episode'sexisting.
So thank you, A.
Though it's not for you, I wantto say thank you because my
transformation is because ofthis experience and because it
(04:35):
will never happen again, ever.
So I want to share this with allof you so that you can learn
from what I did, from what Ididn't do, and maybe apply it in
your own lives.
So the myth and the lies and thelegendary orgasm all fall into
play on all of this because ithappens between two people.
Usually it's between two toxicpeople, one that's awakened
maybe a little bit and maybethat isn't or is about to be or
(04:57):
maybe down the line.
And then there's the other onewhom is in there for the
transactional orgasm, the sex,the ATM version of intimacy.
instead of the bespoke intimacyand the energy exchange that no
one discusses, they kind ofpretend, if you will.
So yes, that O, not Oprah, notoxygen, not, oh my God, I can't
(05:18):
believe I did that.
I'm talking about the realorgasm.
Did you guys ever know thathaving an orgasm will bond you
to someone, whether you like himor not?
So even if it starts offtransactional and you think it's
an ATM versus credit cardinsertion transaction, which is
what I'm calling this, It's notbecause once you do, if you do,
and I hope you do, get toorgasm, there's this chemical
(05:40):
that gets released and it'scalled oxytocin.
And if you do it and he doesn't,and he doesn't reach that
oxytocin, which normally hewon't, not because it's
transactional, right?
You haven't built anythingtoward one another.
You don't have a connection.
Maybe it's physical.
Maybe it's he thinks you're hotand you think he's good looking
and maybe he's doing it for youand whatever.
(06:00):
Or you're both horny, fill inthe blanks.
It's not intimacy.
There's no bond.
Even if you are entering it thatway, you will not walk out of it
that way.
Ladies, that's the truth.
That's why you get hooked up,strung out, and for years, never
the same.
So wake up.
Get out of the slumber.
(06:21):
Don't do it.
Don't sell yourself so short fortransactional sex.
Use your body in a way as aweapon and not their...
whatever they give you as a toolfor your weapon.
You know what I'm saying?
Because it all gets weaponizedin the end.
Let me not get too incredibly...
So that delicious rush thatsweeps you up and down,
(06:43):
hopefully over and over and overagain.
I've felt that, and it'samazing.
Well, it's been a minute.
Are you the woman that thinksher vagina's gold?
Well, think again.
Today we're talking about thattaboo.
Men don't feel bonded becauseyou give them great sex and or
(07:04):
your beauty is amazing andyou're a 10 or an 11 or they can
trophy you around.
Are you kidding me?
No.
Whether he came or not, that isthe question.
And that is really all he's outfor most of the time.
I'm sort of like I'm pushing ita little bit because I'm saying
that's all they want.
But I'm saying the majority,there's a lot of men that don't
(07:26):
want that.
Men that do, I mean, they allkind of want sex if they're
normal and straight, right?
And I say normal because that'swhat we consider straight, like
side heterosexuals, that existsfor a reason.
So if you are that woman thatthinks her vagina is full of
gold and like, I don't know,hummingbirds, think again.
Because whether he came or not,it doesn't matter.
(07:47):
He did not bond with you.
And yeah, if you reached yourclimax, which I said, I hope you
did, there's no other way to saythis than you released oxytocin
and you will be bonding withhim.
So now, what was released hasmade that fuckboy look into an
interesting counterpart.
Someone that you thought you'dnever invest in has now suddenly
(08:09):
become, oh, he's interesting.
Maybe I can overlook X, Y, or Z.
Hmm.
That chemical oxytocin bonds youto him prematurely, ladies.
Shocker?
Uh-uh.
We know it because babies, whenthey breastfeed, cling to their
mothers via breastfeedingbecause oxytocin is released.
I think everyone knows that.
(08:30):
Same thing for a man, by theway.
So he requires somethingdifferent.
Of course he does.
And which brings me to thatpart, vasopressin.
And men don't even know theyneed this, by the way.
They most of the time don'tknow.
They know they need more to getbonded, to feel bonded.
And they ask themselves, whydon't I feel that?
(08:51):
I've had an ex-boyfriend whoused to say, Erica, I don't have
that feeling.
What's wrong with me?
because there was no bonding.
No vasopressin was established.
And I'll get into that.
Vasopressin, the hormone that'sall about bonding and
attachment, okay?
And women express this and feelthis as well.
In those romantic, emotional,and sexual relationships,
(09:12):
vasopressin is like yourromantic sidekick, if you will,
promoting behaviors like pairbonding, trust, emotional
closeness.
It's kind of like going on anisland and you and your man go
and you decide you're going todo it this way and you're going
to follow each other's leads andyou help each other and you win
and you're high-fiving eachother and all of a sudden
vasopressin is released and youtwo have formed a bond.
(09:34):
That is first for a man.
That's the unsung hero ofmonogamy and attachment across
species, including us fabuloushumans, and that's what takes
place there.
But right after that, hopefully,he experiences oxytocin.
Now, we're getting steamy here.
So vasopressin is released,enhancing his emotional
(09:55):
connections between...
Well, it's not just him.
I'm speaking about him, butboth.
And he experienced more of it.
His vasopressin receptors areway more than women's.
They enhance emotionalconnections between each other.
So this hormone teams up withoxytocin, the love hormone.
Are you following me here?
While oxytocin is all aboutmaternal bonding and empathy,
(10:17):
vasopressin is more focused onromantic attachments,
particularly from the maleperspective, as I mentioned
earlier.
But what happens when he doesn'trelease vasopressin?
Let's break it down because thescience of modern sex and
bonding has totally evolved.
And boy, do we have some juicybacks.
First, I'll tell you, oxytocinand bonding, often called the
love hormone, oxytocin isreleased during that physical
(10:39):
touch, you know, forming bondsand promoting trust and
intimacy.
It's like your emotional glue.
Women get that all the time.
That's why we like foreplay.
That's why we need it.
Did you know it takes us aboutnine minutes to have an actual
orgasm while men are down thereor doing something or thinking
that they're doing something?
It takes time.
And that's why you have theexchange.
Men, we don't expect you to begoing downtown for 15 minutes
(11:01):
straight.
Women need to feel comfortableand then relaxed.
And that's why sometimes theyintroduce wine and all those
other things, right?
To relax you, inhibit you,uninhibit you.
I used to always go around whenI was younger.
I'm so uninhibited.
I'm a great lover.
Well, yeah, I am.
And I'm not just saying that.
I am an incredibly presentlover.
because I don't approach ittransactionally.
(11:23):
And when I have, I've alwaysregretted it because I didn't
even know I was doing it.
And there was a good chunk of mylife where that happened.
Thank God I've learned later inlife not to do that and also
learned just most recently, Iwant to say the last five to 10
years, how important it is notto do it that way.
But was I always successful?
(11:43):
No.
like a lot of us, we give inbecause we want love and we
reassociate oxytocin and bondingtogether to feel this love
hormone.
So like I mentioned, oxytocinand bonding is called the love
hormone.
Vasopressin's role, the hormoneis all about long-term bonding,
especially for the fellas.
It works in harmony withoxytocin to spark that loyalty
(12:05):
and attachment after thosesteamy sessions we have, you
know?
Now, That's also where itdoesn't happen, because if they
didn't release that vasopressin,well, there's no bond.
He gets up, you get dressed, hegets dressed, and each of you go
your own ways, and it's kind ofcold, like you didn't just share
the most intimate, sacred partsof yourselves.
You probably don't even knoweach other's last names.
Shame on you.
(12:26):
And if that's the case, it'ssad.
So you need to reflect, and I'mjust going to say it that way,
and that's that.
So the power of physical touch.
I'm not judging you.
If I were your mom or yoursister or your best friend,
which I think I am right now, Iwould ask you to do that with
some discernment and someaccountability for your own lack
of judgment.
Anyway, I'll leave it there.
(12:47):
So the power of physical touch.
Not only do we get oxytocin andvasopressin, but also endorphins
that boost our mood, ourwell-being, creating a cycle of
emotional closeness and desirefor more physical intimacy.
You know, the second timearound.
And, you know, the attachmenttheory behind that, early
relationships shape how we bondas adults.
(13:08):
It is important, securely attachyourself to individuals who
enjoy these healthierrelationships, everyone.
While anxious or avoidance typesstruggle with attachment, it's
another factor to this, right?
Sexual intimacy and emotionalhealth, spoiler alert, is good
for your emotional well-being.
It promotes closeness, improvesyour moods, and reduces stress.
(13:31):
So of course we seek it.
Not only it's fun, it's so, Idon't know, I love it.
I love it.
And sexual satisfaction and arelationship strength is so
important to longevity in arelationship.
A satisfying sex life is linkedto overall happiness in
relationships.
Who knew?
I did.
I always knew.
(13:52):
But the problem with me was thatI centered so much about that
that I forgot about the rest.
Even if I intelligently knewabout the rest, my focus was
about the sexual satisfactionthat would actually strengthen,
I thought, strengthen my bondand my relationship.
Well, satisfying sex is great.
And yes, it'll always be thereif you've got it.
(14:14):
If you had it with that person,it would always be there.
I'm here to tell you.
It used to be an ongoing jokebetween me and my girlfriends
how my exes would always circleand recycle and want to come
back.
And I'm not talking once ortwice or a year later.
I'm talking decades to this day.
So I'm proud of that, but at thesame time, proud in what way?
That I'm actually a really greatlover and I know how to connect
(14:36):
with people?
I'm actually really proud ofthat because most of my exes are
my friends.
And I don't have that many, butI'm just saying, says something.
Are yours your friends?
Yeah.
So the neurochemicals duringorgasm when you climax, your
brain releases a cocktail offeel-good neurochemicals.
Did you know that?
(14:56):
Dopamine, serotonin, these areyour party favors for bonding.
Yeah, and we all need them.
Modern sex and intimacy today,intimacy isn't just physical.
Emotional vulnerability plays ahuge role in deep connections.
Now let's get real for a moment.
The fakers.
the real ones, and the lostsouls, or even worse, the never
(15:17):
ever had ones.
Let's be honest, how many womenare actually having orgasms, not
faking them, and notchoreographing them for his ego?
I know a lot of people likethat.
They think it's like eitherperformance or they're a
starfish or they're OnlyFansporn star.
There is a middle ground,everyone, and it's called figure
(15:37):
it out.
It's called figure it out.
I can't be all things toeveryone.
So here's the deal.
Sex is everywhere, but pleasure,real embodied pleasure, that a
different ballgame pleasure isso rare.
I used to navigate relationshipstransactionally, like I
mentioned, not realizing I waschipping away at my self-esteem
and respect.
I wondered why it felt so hollowsometimes and why I didn't feel
(15:59):
fulfilled, even if it endedright.
Even if I left and walked awaywith respect and loving,
cherishing feelings, it didn'talways go there.
It didn't last very long, Ishould say.
It always left me feeling anemotional hangover because I
felt like I just...
How would I put it?
When you betray yourself.
Because even if I cared aboutthem and I wanted more, because
(16:20):
that's usually the case, I feltlike I actually betrayed myself.
So I'm here and I want to talkabout all this, but I'm also
wanting to talk about thatbecause it's extremely important
to ask yourself these hardquestions.
And like I mentioned, it left mewith an emotional hangover.
I found myself asking...
Why?
Why do I feel this way?
(16:41):
So I'm talking about discoveringyour sensuality, not your
sexuality, organically.
Not because some magazine toldyou to lick a popsicle stick
this way because he'll love itand he's going to be pleased
that you did this.
Who cares?
Yes, explore each other'sbodies.
Get to know him.
Learn some things before you getto know him so that when you're
preparing yourself to beintimate with your, hopefully,
(17:03):
husband or your fiance orcommitted partner for life, And
I say this because it'simportant to understand that sex
is not meant to betransactional.
It just isn't.
It's turned into that.
In fact, it's turned intosomething far uglier than that,
that I don't even want to gothere right now.
Let's just stick to topic andthen we'll go there.
(17:24):
So your body is sovereign.
And if you don't treat it thatway, that's how it's going to
get treated like it's not.
My sovereign body stands on afoundation of self-respect today
and vulnerability that is chosenby I don't choose to give it to
everyone.
I don't choose to give myself-respect away to anyone and
most definitely will not, howwould I say, compromise my
sovereignty and my standards forany man, no matter what.
(17:49):
I'm protected of my body at allcosts because I've claimed that
ultimate prize, me.
I am the prize.
My cookie jar is closed.
And guess what?
You can too, right now, at anyage.
Lady, it's about you.
And ladies, it's aboutrecognizing your worth and
(18:09):
cherishing it.
Because if you don't, no onewill.
And let me be crystal clearabout that.
If you don't, no one will.
Sex does not equal intimacy.
Sex does not equal love.
And sex does not equal bonding.
Not for men anyway.
And now is when you get yourwake-up call.
I truly hope you've experiencedearth-shattering, leg-quivering
(18:31):
orgasms.
Because if you haven't, You'retruly missing out on building
something that's sacred withyourself and your lover and in
your relationship.
And oxytocin is our drug,ladies.
We would be cuddling one nightand having a climactic moment.
And by breakfast, we're planningbaby names.
Yeah, that's usually how it goesdown.
But for the guys, it's adifferent story altogether.
(18:51):
And vasopressin is the realbonding hormone for them.
Not orgasms, not tight jeans,not your decadent dessert of a
vagina.
Nope.
It's about challenge, trust,respect, and safety.
Yeah, they need that.
Did you know men feel thosethings and need them as well?
If those aren't present, he'snot bonding and he's just
(19:11):
releasing.
That is the fact.
Hence, where we're going withall this.
So if you're only connectingbetween the sheets or through
steamy texts or FaceTime,whatever, Sorry, I had to say
it, eh?
But you're just a booty call.
If that triggers you, oh well.
But you already knew that,didn't you?
I was late to that game.
(19:33):
I thought I was engaging withsomeone that really cared about
me.
I thought I was moving forwardwith someone on a path that was
going to lead to more.
And I became and I allowedmyself to be vulnerable in a
situation that I felt was verymuch destined.
I don't say that lightly at all.
And I'll revert to thisbecause...
It is my last experiencesexually.
And it's also been close to twoyears this August that that's
(19:56):
happened.
So I'm coming up and it's beencelibacy since.
So bravo to me, but it's changedme, informed me in ways where I
can talk about this now.
I used to not be able to talkabout this.
I used to not be able toactually look at myself in the
mirror and talk to myself thisway.
But now I can see it for what itreally was and what it really
is, is it was really messed up.
I was taken for, how would I saythis without sounding like a
(20:18):
victim?
I was set up and it was nevermeant to be an emotional
connection.
It was never meant to last.
It was always meant for fun.
And I think I surprised someone.
I think I surprised somebodywith not only my loyalty and my
love and my essence and howwonderful I am in bed, but also
as a person and alsointelligently.
I might have surprised them evenjust with this podcast, but who
(20:40):
cares because it's too late now.
And all I'm trying to say isthat when men can screw with
your mind, they will.
But you can't screw your wayinto a man's soul.
You can't moan your way into hismorals.
biology doesn't lie.
Sadly, it's the truth.
Double standard or not, it's theway we're built.
And I'm not, I know I'm going tobe stepping on toes by saying
all this.
(21:00):
So if you want to complain, gotalk to someone else.
Maybe you're guilty.
I don't know.
Now let's shift gears and talkabout sensuality.
Because like I mentionedearlier, it's not about
sexuality.
It's about sensuality.
I'm not talking about lingeriethough.
Yeah, ladies, rock it.
Go for it.
Go to La Perla.
Go get your trashy lingerie.
I don't know, whatever yourthing is.
But I'm talking about how youmove, how you breathe, how you
(21:22):
inhabit your temple, your sacredbody.
Do you touch yourself withreverence or does that feel too
much for you?
How do you approach lovemaking?
Is it just sex for you?
Is it?
Because there's a hugedifference.
Do you speak to your body likeit's sacred or like a project
needing approval?
Do you choose yourself or do youlet men treat you like an ATM?
(21:44):
Ask yourself these questions.
Sit down with that.
Do you choose yourself or do youlet men treat you like an ATM?
Now, that's a hard one toanswer.
I'm pretty sure you're not goingto be happy about answering
that.
But hey, if you're waking up,wake up, baby.
It's time to smell the coffee.
I want you to look at yourselfand ask yourself, are you
(22:06):
choosing you?
Or are you just into the instantgratification and hope that
there's more afterward?
Hey, anyone can walk up to abank and pull money.
Are you that person?
Are you their ATM?
You are when you answer theircalls after 9 p.m.
That's all I'll say about that.
So are you a walking AI dollmachine that thinks that your
(22:28):
looks are all that matter?
Are you a starfish that youthink is so rare and precious?
Or are you a bespoken royalqueen goddess?
I don't know, but I dodefinitely consider myself a
queen.
And do you explore yourselfwithout shame, without mirrors,
without rushing to climax?
I used to rush.
(22:48):
I used to think that things werea little bit more on the DL.
Ladies, one of the best thingsmy ex told me was, Erica, let me
tell you something.
He says, men know what they'regetting themselves into, whether
you are chubby or not chubby orthis or that.
When you get naked, pretty muchthat's all out the window
(23:11):
because they already know it wasthere.
So you're not fooling anyone.
You're not hiding anything thatthey didn't already know and
see.
So if you haven't met your ownpleasure first because you're
shy or ashamed or just not thatbold, he sure as hell won't.
Women can experience severaldifferent types of orgasms, but
(23:32):
yet they don't even know that.
Men don't even know it.
Most of you.
Sorry, I'm going to say it.
Not sorry.
each with unique sensations andtriggers.
And here's an overview because Iwant to give you this because
it's important.
It's important for you to knowthat there's more than just one
type of orgasm or two.
There's several.
Let me touch on those.
I hope you're drinking.
(23:53):
That's all I can say.
Clitoral orgasm.
That's the most common.
The clitoris is a highlysensitive area, and this type of
orgasm is typically the mostcommon for women.
That's hands down.
Of course, the trigger is director indirect stimulation of the
clitoris, either through manual,oral, or penetration-based
activities.
The sensations are sharp,concentrated feeling of pleasure
(24:15):
in the genital area, oftenaccompanied by rhythmic
contractions.
Yes, so even if she reaches thatclimax...
She will have thosecontractions.
And that's why usually if menare very well informed, I'll say
that, they know how to givesomeone multiple ones at the
time that they're having anorgasm because they'll keep
(24:36):
going.
They won't stop.
And I'm not talking aboutthrusting.
I'm talking about fingers,mouths, or both together.
And I've experienced that.
But if you don't and you're justone of those get in, get out,
maybe go there for a second ortwo, you are the worst lover
ever and you should not be doingit.
Sorry, I'm going to say it.
And yes, I've had that.
Second, vaginal orgasm, whichmost women find very difficult.
(25:01):
Stimulation of vaginal walls,particularly the G-spot.
It's a sensitive area located afew inches inside the vaginal
canal, if you didn't know.
And it's a deep, full-bodiedsensation that can feel
different from the clitoralorgasm.
It's actually very different.
It's sometimes described as alonger, lasting, more intense
experience.
It's actually pretty intense,and it's really good.
(25:23):
They all are, but here, let mekeep going.
Then there's the G-spot orgasm.
Trigger is the directstimulation of the G-spot, which
is located on the anterior...
which is the front wall of thevagina, about two to three
inches inside.
So it's kind of like you putyour finger, okay, like, I don't
know how to say this.
(25:44):
You know when you're callingsomeone over to you, you got
your finger out, your hands up,your fingers pointing, and
you're telling them to come herewith your finger?
That's what you do inside yourvagina.
That's all I'm going to sayabout that.
So it's a powerful orgasm thatmay feel different from the
clitoral orgasm, more internal,with a deeper, almost
pressure-like sensation.
Pretty amazing, actually.
So there's the blended orgasmsas well.
(26:06):
I didn't know if you knew that,but there's a combination.
And that's what I mentionedearlier when I said the fingers
as well as the mouth, as well asthe time when you can keep
going.
This occurs when a womanexperiences both clitoral and
vaginal G-spot orgasms at thesame time or in close proximity
and succession, which isamazing.
And it's a sensation that'sheightened sense of pleasure as
(26:28):
the brain possesses pleasurefrom multiple nerve areas at
once.
Yep.
And the cervical orgasm triggerdeep penetration that stimulates
the cervix and, of course, oftendeeper and more intense than a
G-spot orgasm.
This type of orgasm is rare andsomeone, well, some women report
it's a feeling of full-bodiedand deeply satisfying.
(26:49):
Yeah, that's all I can say aboutthat for now.
Next is the anal orgasm.
I know, I know.
Backdoor entrance.
But stimulation of the analarea, either through penetration
or external massage, can be verypleasurable.
And the anus has a highconcentration of nerve endings.
And for some women, analstimulation can lead to strong
(27:12):
orgasms.
It may be combined with vaginaland or clitoral stimulation.
And then there's the nippleorgasm.
which is stimulation of thenipples through touching,
licking, or sucking, and someonewho experienced orgasm-like
sensations or even reachedorgasm from nipple stimulations
alone.
This is because the breasts areconnected to the erogenous
(27:32):
zones.
And I didn't say that right.
It's erogenous.
Then there's the mental orpsychological orgasm trigger, a
deeply emotional and or mentalconnection that can lead some
women to experience orgasmwithout direct Physical
stimulation.
I've read about this.
I've seen videos on it, and Ifound it to be absolutely
(27:53):
fascinating.
And yes, I've had one.
And yes, it's possible.
So I'm saying that.
Sensations often described as astrong emotional body-wide
release that can feel just asintense as a physical orgasm.
The mind is so powerful.
It is the tool or a weapon.
You decide.
But man, when you use it as atool, it's a great piece of
(28:15):
arsenal.
And then there's the nine, ofcourse, the nine multiple
orgasm.
I say nine because it's justlike, there's so many that can
happen, right?
But like a woman can experiencemore than just one orgasm during
a single sexual encounter,usually with a short break
between them.
And sensation is a series ofintense sensations that may
build an intensity with eachsubsequent orgasm.
(28:37):
And that is probably like thetime when you need to like take
a break, eat a meal, take ashower, take a break, come back
to it because those are prettyamazing.
If you know, you know.
So the key factors influencingorgasm types are physical
sensitivity.
Each woman, as you know, isunique.
(28:57):
Her body is different and noteveryone's made the same and
different types of stimulationwork for different people.
So that's why the communication,the intimacy is so paramount
here.
The psychological factors play aWho are you with?
Are they in a good state ofmind?
Are they good emotionally?
Are they emotionally connected?
And the comfort level with apartner can affect the
(29:18):
experience of orgasm.
Of course it does.
That's why I said, do you knoweach other's last names?
Do you care?
Do you know what each other doesfor a living?
Do you have any idea if theyhave siblings?
Are you connected that way or isit just purely physical?
Ask yourself these hardquestions.
Then there's a hormonal cycle.
which changes throughout themenstrual cycle, can influence
sexual arousal and orgasmicresponses, which is what I
(29:40):
talked about in one of myepisodes about menopause.
Menopause and menopause.
So go back to that and thenwe'll talk.
So the myth of the one orgasmversus the multiple.
The number nine.
I love to call it the numbernine.
Multiple orgasms are possiblefor some women where they may
experience multiple peaks orpleasures in a single session.
(30:03):
However, not all women are goingto experience this.
Understanding these varioustypes are the triggers that we
need to help women to get betterat exploring their own bodies,
their own intimacy, their owneverythings, and embrace their
sexual experiences so that whenthey walk into them, they're not
just these meek starfishes.
that think that they don'treally have to do or say much.
And I'm saying that with a lotof love, ladies.
(30:25):
But you know what?
I don't blame you.
I know so many like you.
That's why I'm such athoroughbred in bed.
I'm going to say it the way itis because there's not a lot of
women built like me and there'snot a lot of women that know a
lot.
And when they do, they rarelyshare it.
So here I am.
Take it.
Scoop it up.
Re-listen to this a few times ifyou have to.
444 on the clock, by the way.
So gentlemen, let me start withthis.
(30:49):
Gentlemen, with experience arelike well-bred horses.
They're so rare.
You know that, right?
Thoroughbred horses are superrare and they're very sought
after.
They're meticulous and refined,like love sommeliers, I like to
call them.
Connoisseurs of the vaginaunderworld, if you will.
But just like fine wine, amazingsex can lead to premature
(31:11):
bonding because you releaseoxytocin, like I mentioned,
immediately and you feel thatbond.
And despite your feelings, andit can be dangerous and
addictive, you're going to goforward.
Because regardless, you've justreleased oxytocin, there's a
bonding effect, and now thatperson that you didn't think
that was so cute or maybe notthat interesting and that you
thought this is going to be justtransactional, it'll be a one-
(31:33):
or two-time thing, has nowbecome something that you want
to seek.
And you don't even know why.
Because you're like, why do Ifeel this way?
Well, it's because you bondedwith that guy during sex, and he
didn't.
So detrimental and harmful islike a beyond here.
It is a cycle we need to break.
It's just detrimental toyourself, your psyche, the way
(31:55):
you're going to go forward.
And if you do all of what I'msharing with you, you having
these intimacy relationships,transactional or not, it's going
to bond you to someone.
So choose wisely, ladies,please.
So explore yourselves.
There are so many reasons whyyou can do this.
It doesn't have to be with aman.
(32:17):
Premature giving can misleadyou.
Taking your power for free inthe name of casual fun is
expensive.
Let's be blunt.
Your vagina is your life canal.
You produce a human being fromyour body and you bird them
through your canal.
Now you're allowing somestranger to come and take house
and home in there for very free,how would I say, rent?
(32:39):
You know, sometimes they don'teven buy a ticket and all you
ladies do is just lay down.
I don't understand it.
You're not a pair of shoes youjust toss aside after one or two
uses, you know?
So don't treat your lotus flowerlike a pair of Crocs, you know?
Try to do something that's alittle different.
Don't be a Lily Phillips.
Water down to think that you'relike, I don't know, something
(33:01):
else.
Write that down.
Your flower carries power.
Wow, that sounded good.
Your flower carries power.
And a lot of weight, by the way.
And a man's entire karmichistory, actually.
can actually affect you.
Let me rephrase that, okay?
When you have intimacy with aman, sex, whatever you want to
(33:23):
call it, if whatever you'redoing, I should say, his entire
karmic history is going to enterinto you.
If you're not careful, you canend up with an entity
attachment.
If you don't believe in that,read up on it.
Research it.
It's true.
That's why Liliths and Jezebelsexist.
It works both ways, girls.
(33:43):
Both ways, men and women alike.
And that will literally kill youwith an STI or STD, an unwanted
pregnancy.
So you're now attached tosomeone you didn't really care
about.
Now you're all, I don't know,maybe potentially wifed up or
having an unwanted pregnancywith someone you barely know.
It's dangerous.
(34:05):
So who you lay with willliterally leave a residue inside
you and imprint on your life.
Do you understand that?
Okay, so the many masks ofintimacy, the mass love and the
base success, sex, excuse me,when he comes in with his story,
it's like the hamburger effect.
He robs you of your sacred honeyand leaves you confused.
(34:27):
Yeah, and now you know why.
Proving how the lack ofvasopressin means energy, sex,
and intimacy are nothing withoutthat bond.
A key takeaway regarding men'svasopressin release compared to
women's oxytocin release is thatthe distinct role these hormones
play in social bonding andemotional regulation is very
paramount.
And it's often associated withbehaviors like social bonding,
(34:50):
aggression, and territoriality.
I can never say the word.
Territoriality?
You guys can help me with that.
Men typically releasevasopressin during moments of
social interactions,particularly in contexts related
to bonding, such as during anintimate relationship and when
forming social attachments, notjust during sex.
It can also be released inresponse to stress or
competitive situationsinfluencing him and how men
(35:12):
react in social contexts.
So, In women, of course, theoxytocin is contrast in
primarily linking her tonurturing behaviors, you know,
the maternal instincts andemotional connections, getting
up, making sure he's good andhe's got something to eat or
he's well taken care of, thatmommy effect.
Women often experience oxytocinreleasing during childbirth,
(35:33):
breastfeeding, and socialinteractions also, and that
promotes bonding.
So understanding these hormonaldifferences highlights how men
and women may approachrelationships and social
interactions.
different.
You know what I'm saying?
It's not about just thevasopressin enhancing male
bonding behaviors and oxytocinfostering female nurturing and
emotional connections.
(35:53):
This distinction can help informdiscussions about gender
dynamics and relationships andsocial structures.
So yes, have the orgasms, butwhom are you giving them to?
What is it costing you?
When it comes to women andreaching orgasm, the statistics
can be quite telling.
and often highlight disparitiesin sexual experiences.
(36:17):
And so, like, here are some ofthe statistics and the insights
about women and orgasms.
The orgasm rates researchindicates that approximately 65%
to 70% of women reportexperiencing orgasm during
sexual encounters with apartner.
That's not bad.
Now, it's not 100%.
It's not even 75%.
Compared to about the 90% ofmen.
(36:37):
Did you get that difference?
65 to 70% of women reportingexperience orgasm during sexual
encounters with a partnercompared to about 90% of men.
This more than suggests thatwomen are less likely to climax
in heterosexual encounters.
Yeah, sadly, that's the truth.
I don't know.
I'd like to say it's probablylike 50% of women, but I'm not
(36:59):
being pessimistic.
I'm speaking from what I hear.
So faking orgasm is another partof this and studies show that
around 50 to 70% of women havefaked an orgasm at some point.
And this often stems from adesire to please their partner
or to avoid awkwardness,underlining the pressure some
women feel during sexualexperiences.
It's like we're so freaking, Idon't know, holding a
(37:21):
white-gloved baby, newborn babyin our hands when coddling him
so he feels good about somethinghe didn't even bother trying to
do.
And if he thought so, Wake up.
You didn't.
Because if you cannot tell whena woman is giving you a fake
orgasm, you're not a good lover.
Bottom line, you need to go backto sex education, intimacy
(37:43):
school, because it's not abouttransactional ATM getting off.
You just may as well just go geta hole in a wall.
And I'm saying that bluntlybecause it needs to be said that
way.
There's a clitoral stimulationcalled Research indicates that
the majority of women requiredirect clitoral stimulation, you
will hear this all the damntime, to reach orgasm.
(38:05):
In fact, around 70% of women saythat they need clitoral
stimulation to achieve orgasm,which emphasizes the importance
of understanding female anatomy.
Do you guys know the femaleanatomy?
Yeah, I'm asking.
It's shocking to hear some ofthe things men say or don't
know.
It's unbelievable sometimes.
I'm just like astounded.
(38:27):
And then let's lead me to thenext part, the frequency of
orgasms.
According to surveys, when womentypically reporting having
orgasms less frequently thanmen, of course, in some studies,
women reporting achieving orgasmonly about 40% of the time.
What did I say about 50% earlyduring sexual encounters
compared to men's higher rates?
I kind of vibrate on thissubject.
(38:49):
Factors influencing orgasm, andnot vibrate in a good way.
Factors influencing orgasm, suchas emotional connection, quality
of the relationship, and comfortwith one's own lotus.
And a deeper dive into the topicof orgasms, particularly
focusing on women.
Did you know how many differentorgasms there were, like I
mentioned above?
I want you all to ask yourselfthose questions, or was the
(39:11):
first time you've ever heard allthat?
I really want to know.
Fellas, do you?
Women, I know you don't, but ifyou don't, you do now, all of
you.
So let's face it, 98% of youapproach sex as mechanical and
transactional.
Because if you don't know yourown body, your own pleasure
zones, or how to get there,you're just as guilty.
(39:32):
You're just as culpable.
So, sorry to say this, but we'reall responsible for that.
And it's not just on one genderor another.
And the responsibility does fallon both of us.
The psychological factor, thephysical factor, the experience
itself, and how we exchange.
It's not just an age thing.
(39:52):
It's a real fact that it'ssomething we all do.
We all seek.
Animals seek it.
We seek it.
So why are we not talking aboutall these important things?
Why am I now at 54 realizingsome of this?
I never knew about vasopressinbefore.
until I started realizing thatthere's a huge break.
(40:12):
We're not broken.
There's just breaks in our, howwould I put it, our evolution,
if you will, that age andexperience sometimes don't give
you.
And so we have to figure thisout and we have to research and
reflect and find out the answersas to why women aren't seeking
these orgasms.
It's social, it's cultural, it'show you were brought up.
(40:35):
I don't know.
But studies show that womenoften become more comfortable
with their bodies and sexualpleasure as they age.
Hence, my point that age is nota curse.
It's an evolution and leading toincreased orgasm frequency.
So hallelujah, ladies.
And women in their 30s and 40soften report higher satisfaction
(40:55):
levels.
Now, the orgasm gap, it refersto the display between men and
women regarding orgasm frequencyduring heterosexual encounters.
This gap highlights the need forbetter communication and
understanding, like I mentioned,in sexual relationships.
Now, the health benefitsreaching orgasm has numerous
health benefits that no onereally discusses, but let me
just say it.
(41:16):
It does include reduced stress,improved sleep, and increased
feelings of intimacy andconnection with your partners.
Why would we want that?
So the myths and misconceptions,there are many myths surrounding
the female orgasms, includingthe idea that all women should
be able to reach orgasm easilyor through sex.
I'm sorry, just likeintercourse, I should say,
vaginal and penetration.
(41:36):
That's not true.
In reality, every woman'sexperience is unique, and
factors such as arousal, let merephrase that, factors such as
arousal, comfort, and emotionalconnection all play crucial
roles.
So by understanding theseaspects, you can approach the
subjects of women's orgasms withgreater insight and awareness,
gentlemen, fostering yourhealthier conversations and
(42:00):
intimacy and pleasure foryourselves as well.
So if you need more specificstatistics or information, just
feel free to ask and go find it.
I'm just saying.
Now, there's another factor tothis that we should cover and
talk about.
There's always something elsethat sort of...
can conclude as to why men aretransactional about sex, right?
(42:21):
And that's called sex addiction.
Sex addiction is characterizedby an inability to control
sexual impulses leading tonegative consequences.
Usually it's going out on yourpartner, repeatedly with
different women, women you don'tknow, calling prostitutes, being
gone for days and day out,probably using sex and drugs
with it.
It's usually one-on-one.
(42:42):
It does.
I'm sorry.
They intersect together,alcohol, drugs, and sexual
behavior.
I'm not going to lie.
And substances can lowerinhibitions and heighten sexual
desire.
So of course people do use them.
We know that.
Let's explore that a little bitbecause it's not just sex
addiction.
It's exploring also loveaddiction and avoidant
attachment.
It's all there.
It's all parallel.
(43:03):
In my opinion, it's sosubjective to everything.
And love addiction leads toobsessive behaviors rooted in
attachment issues, which comesbecause you've released oxytocin
to someone you didn't knowduring sex that now is avoiding
you.
So now your avoidant attachmentis triggered.
And all of it comes fromprobably your childhood and
(43:23):
early neglect or maybe someS.A.ing that happened to you or
some sort of challenge that madeintimacy challenging.
So of course, these things andfactors all take place and have
a big role in how we addressorgasms, intimacy, pleasuring
ourselves, connecting andbonding, communication.
And when that happens, when wechoose to share that with
(43:44):
someone or whether we just getchosen and do it.
So let's address this a littlebit about that.
It's called my famous line, theelephant in the room, the lack
of emotional intelligence andempathy.
It isn't your fault.
You know, it's not your faultthat at 13 or 16 and even 18,
but after that, what's yourexcuse?
(44:04):
That you didn't know all this.
There's no bond and noconnection, just a game of the
hamburger effect because that'swhat you were seeing or were
taught subconsciously orconsciously.
For many men, sex isn't viewedas an act of love.
That's just the facts.
What does that do?
It leaves all of us women prettymuch lost and confused.
(44:25):
It's performative sex versusintimacy, ladies.
And it's all about acting.
Well, intimacy is aboutconnection, vulnerability, and
presence.
And if you haven't felt that, Ipray that you do.
Just spot it if you got it,okay?
And today's fragmented cultureleads to sex without love,
making it transactional.
And that's the truth.
(44:45):
So you can change thatnarrative.
You know, I can tell you thatthere's many times when I've had
experiences with people whom Iwas completely and utterly in
love with and completely bondedto.
And was convinced that thatperson was also in that place.
But what ended up happening wasit was performative.
That person had love, avoidancy,love addiction, all kinds of
(45:09):
different parallels.
And you know, I know him todayand I know he's not like that
today and that he's done thework and gone through the dark
night of the soul.
And he's quite an incredibleman.
I got to be honest with you.
I struggled with reaching out tohim and having him as a guest on
my show today because I thoughtit would be interesting to have
a male perspective and maybeI'll bring him back for that.
We're just in our 10 episodesright now and I'm getting
(45:31):
familiar with all of you andhopefully setting the stage for
you all to see what I'm comingwith because I'm coming with my
arsenal, baby, and I'm talkingabout it all.
So if no one told you today,you're allowed to take up space
in your own pleasure.
I'm allowed to tell you thattoo.
And I'm telling you, you'reallowed to wait for more than
just the O.
Wait for the man who's worthy ofit.
And you're allowed to say,that's not enough for me
(45:53):
anymore.
You know, you are.
At any age.
This chapter of your life, it'sabout unapologetic embodiment.
Not silence.
Not shame.
Just soul.
Some sassy sensuality.
And power.
Personal power.
So in closing, don't forget tovalue your previous yoni power
(46:13):
and the gift of self-pleasuringto save your sacred, sacral
energy for a true love that willrecognize you, reciprocate, and
not leave you with unrequitedexpectations or love.
Now, expectations is a trickyword, but we have them.
They exist.
And you're not aiming too highto want to actually cuddle after
(46:34):
your intimate session and maybewanting a second round.
It's not about just getting up,taking a shower, and leaving.
If it is, shame on you.
And God, ladies, you're worth somuch more than that.
Your vag, your vajay, yourvagin, your vagin, isn't an ATM.
Save your life sacred energy forsomeone who you actually think
(47:00):
is worth giving it to.
Because there's an exchangewhether you like it or not.
And not everyone is going tobond and some always do.
And now we know why.
So this has been heart tohearts, my heart to yours.
Of course, there's so much moreI want to unpack right now.
I mean, there's so much beautyin having sex and so much beauty
(47:21):
and in love.
And I want that.
I no longer chose to betransactional and or settle like
we all do today.
A lot.
I say not all.
I say all a lot.
So excuse me for that.
Everyone knows, I hope, thatit's not an absolute.
I'm speaking in generalities andthis is my perspective.
So my POV, fellas and ladies, itisn't, it is personal.
(47:44):
And hopefully you've gottensomething from this and I'll
expand on this again and moreand in depth and I'll hopefully
have a couple of guests and togo into it and, you know.
But in the meantime, this hasbeen Heart to Hearts with me,
your host, Erica M.
Unfiltered, unrushed, unabashed.
and of course, unapologeticallyyours.
(48:05):
So if you haven't already, wouldyou hit the subscribe button for
me?
Would you share, maybe hit alike, and maybe comment if you'd
like to say hi.
Let me know where you're hearingme from.
And of course, I don't know theplatform you're hearing me from,
but if you are or not, andyou're on YouTube, I'm there as
well.
So love to see and hear from youand say whatever it is you've
(48:25):
got on your chest and let itout.
I'll be back next Sunday.
And until then, stay soft, staybold, Stay empowered.
And above all, explore yourbody.
Remember, you're not a tool.
That your body is a weapon andyour vag isn't a tool.
You can use them for goodthings.
(48:46):
And all you have to do is decidewho gets it, when, and why.
Those are big, giant factorsthat you need to answer for
yourself.
I'm just a catalyst to push youthere.
We'll talk soon.
And remember, you are so worthit.
Never forget that, no matterwhat.
UNKNOWN (49:03):
Bye.
SPEAKER_00 (49:03):
Well, that's a wrap on this episode of Heart to
Hearts with Erica M.
If today hit a nerve, stirred atruth, or sparked a comeback,
make sure to subscribe, share,and come back next Sunday when
Erica talks about whatever shewants.
Midlife isn't the end.
It's where the story gets goodand the middle gets rewritten
your way.
You're listening to Heart to Hearts with Erika M.
Where midlife isn't a crisis,it's a calling.
Unfiltered, unapologetic, and ohso real.
Let's talk about it, shall we?
Now here's your host, Erika M.
SPEAKER_01 (00:19):
Hello, welcome back.
It's Erika M.
Here with another episode,episode 8, The Big O Orgasms.
The myths, the lies, and thetruth.
We're going to unpack a lot ofstuff here and got to be honest
with you, I was hesitating onpulling this trigger.
I wasn't sure.
But anyway, here I am and I'mback heart to hearts.
My heart to your heart talkingabout the truth and the
(00:39):
realities that no one wants todiscuss because they're messy.
They're not so pretty.
They're not always fun to hear.
And most of the time we don'tWe're in denial, so let's get to
it.
So, Sultry Souls, this episodeis going to be rated M for
mature, messy, and maybe alittle embarrassing.
I know, if you're shy or timid,go for a walk with headphones
on, so just know that, okay?
(01:00):
I'll be touching on topics thatmight tickle your boundaries,
stroke your curiosity, andpossibly spank your old belief
systems, believe it or not.
Before we dive into the steamydepths of today's episode, let's
get one thing straight.
These opinions shared here areall mine.
Erica M., and don't reflectanyone else's views or their
questionable life choices.
If you find yourself feeling abit hot and bothered, that's on
(01:21):
you.
We're exploring the tantalizingworld of sex, intimacy, and
hormones, so take what ignitesyour passion and leave the rest
behind.
And remember, for any medical orpsychological concerns, consult
a professional, please.
I am not that.
because we can't be held liablefor any spontaneous bedroom
escapades or epiphanies that mayarise.
Now let's turn up the heat,shall we?
(01:41):
Listener discretion, stronglyadvised.
But if you're grown, bold, andready to sip the truth tea with
a splash of sass from E, thencome closer, because mama's got
a mic and she's not holdingback.
Let's undress this.
No pun intended.
So grab your drink, your matcha,your tea, your cognac, your
wine.
I miss wine.
But I'm sober, as you know, andI'm also celibate.
(02:03):
So this is pretty crazy that I'mtalking about all this, but it's
important stuff that we all needto talk about.
So let me ask you guyssomething.
Have you ever felt completelydesired one moment then
discarded the next?
Like you were the center ofsomeone's world at night, but
then by morning, it's like younever existed.
Are you left confused and maybewith emotional whiplash and
you're not understanding whatjust happened even though it was
(02:26):
a wonderful night?
It's not love.
It's a trap.
And behind that charm that youexperience, that seductive smile
or that voice that melted you,is something far more dangerous
than you think.
And today I'm going to pull backthat curtain and veil.
I want to talk about the fivesexual secrets that most
narcissists Never want you toknow.
And once you hear them, you'llnever see them or unsee them,
(02:49):
excuse me.
You'll never unsee them again.
And of course, unhear them.
So that makes more sense.
So I want to say sex when sharedbetween two people who actually
care for each other can be sobeautiful.
The connection and the trust andthe vulnerability is
unmatchable.
Something you will always seek.
If you found it, you know whatI'm talking about.
(03:10):
If you haven't, you seek it.
It's like, Kind of that anomaly,you know, like you don't know.
Does it really exist?
I hear about it.
But does it exist?
Does he exist?
Well, once more, and I'm goingto use the word narcissist right
now because here's another termI'll use that I haven't used.
And it's not part of it, but itis part of it because this is
(03:31):
the dynamic between two peoplehaving sex, sharing this
whatever we call sex is,intimacy or transactional.
Let's break it down to thetruth.
It happens between two people.
So when it's that way, ofcourse, you can build it with a
healthy person or a not healthyperson.
And usually the narcissists arethe unhealthy people.
(03:54):
And usually they seek the morehealthy version, which is the
super empath.
But what happens if the superempath or the empath that's a
baby empath, like a babyvampire, sounds so funny.
You'll know if you know.
I'm not going to explaineverything.
You know if you know.
We'll have doubts and then we'llget influenced by that
narcissist who could probably be10.0 like my last situationship,
(04:15):
whom I will just call A, okay?
We're going to call him A, whoshowed me that even though I was
strong and I entered into it, Imet him at a very vulnerable
stage.
So he got the best of me.
And that's why this episode'sexisting.
So thank you, A.
Though it's not for you, I wantto say thank you because my
transformation is because ofthis experience and because it
(04:35):
will never happen again, ever.
So I want to share this with allof you so that you can learn
from what I did, from what Ididn't do, and maybe apply it in
your own lives.
So the myth and the lies and thelegendary orgasm all fall into
play on all of this because ithappens between two people.
Usually it's between two toxicpeople, one that's awakened
maybe a little bit and maybethat isn't or is about to be or
(04:57):
maybe down the line.
And then there's the other onewhom is in there for the
transactional orgasm, the sex,the ATM version of intimacy.
instead of the bespoke intimacyand the energy exchange that no
one discusses, they kind ofpretend, if you will.
So yes, that O, not Oprah, notoxygen, not, oh my God, I can't
(05:18):
believe I did that.
I'm talking about the realorgasm.
Did you guys ever know thathaving an orgasm will bond you
to someone, whether you like himor not?
So even if it starts offtransactional and you think it's
an ATM versus credit cardinsertion transaction, which is
what I'm calling this, It's notbecause once you do, if you do,
and I hope you do, get toorgasm, there's this chemical
(05:40):
that gets released and it'scalled oxytocin.
And if you do it and he doesn't,and he doesn't reach that
oxytocin, which normally hewon't, not because it's
transactional, right?
You haven't built anythingtoward one another.
You don't have a connection.
Maybe it's physical.
Maybe it's he thinks you're hotand you think he's good looking
and maybe he's doing it for youand whatever.
(06:00):
Or you're both horny, fill inthe blanks.
It's not intimacy.
There's no bond.
Even if you are entering it thatway, you will not walk out of it
that way.
Ladies, that's the truth.
That's why you get hooked up,strung out, and for years, never
the same.
So wake up.
Get out of the slumber.
(06:21):
Don't do it.
Don't sell yourself so short fortransactional sex.
Use your body in a way as aweapon and not their...
whatever they give you as a toolfor your weapon.
You know what I'm saying?
Because it all gets weaponizedin the end.
Let me not get too incredibly...
So that delicious rush thatsweeps you up and down,
(06:43):
hopefully over and over and overagain.
I've felt that, and it'samazing.
Well, it's been a minute.
Are you the woman that thinksher vagina's gold?
Well, think again.
Today we're talking about thattaboo.
Men don't feel bonded becauseyou give them great sex and or
(07:04):
your beauty is amazing andyou're a 10 or an 11 or they can
trophy you around.
Are you kidding me?
No.
Whether he came or not, that isthe question.
And that is really all he's outfor most of the time.
I'm sort of like I'm pushing ita little bit because I'm saying
that's all they want.
But I'm saying the majority,there's a lot of men that don't
(07:26):
want that.
Men that do, I mean, they allkind of want sex if they're
normal and straight, right?
And I say normal because that'swhat we consider straight, like
side heterosexuals, that existsfor a reason.
So if you are that woman thatthinks her vagina is full of
gold and like, I don't know,hummingbirds, think again.
Because whether he came or not,it doesn't matter.
(07:47):
He did not bond with you.
And yeah, if you reached yourclimax, which I said, I hope you
did, there's no other way to saythis than you released oxytocin
and you will be bonding withhim.
So now, what was released hasmade that fuckboy look into an
interesting counterpart.
Someone that you thought you'dnever invest in has now suddenly
(08:09):
become, oh, he's interesting.
Maybe I can overlook X, Y, or Z.
Hmm.
That chemical oxytocin bonds youto him prematurely, ladies.
Shocker?
Uh-uh.
We know it because babies, whenthey breastfeed, cling to their
mothers via breastfeedingbecause oxytocin is released.
I think everyone knows that.
(08:30):
Same thing for a man, by theway.
So he requires somethingdifferent.
Of course he does.
And which brings me to thatpart, vasopressin.
And men don't even know theyneed this, by the way.
They most of the time don'tknow.
They know they need more to getbonded, to feel bonded.
And they ask themselves, whydon't I feel that?
(08:51):
I've had an ex-boyfriend whoused to say, Erica, I don't have
that feeling.
What's wrong with me?
because there was no bonding.
No vasopressin was established.
And I'll get into that.
Vasopressin, the hormone that'sall about bonding and
attachment, okay?
And women express this and feelthis as well.
In those romantic, emotional,and sexual relationships,
(09:12):
vasopressin is like yourromantic sidekick, if you will,
promoting behaviors like pairbonding, trust, emotional
closeness.
It's kind of like going on anisland and you and your man go
and you decide you're going todo it this way and you're going
to follow each other's leads andyou help each other and you win
and you're high-fiving eachother and all of a sudden
vasopressin is released and youtwo have formed a bond.
(09:34):
That is first for a man.
That's the unsung hero ofmonogamy and attachment across
species, including us fabuloushumans, and that's what takes
place there.
But right after that, hopefully,he experiences oxytocin.
Now, we're getting steamy here.
So vasopressin is released,enhancing his emotional
(09:55):
connections between...
Well, it's not just him.
I'm speaking about him, butboth.
And he experienced more of it.
His vasopressin receptors areway more than women's.
They enhance emotionalconnections between each other.
So this hormone teams up withoxytocin, the love hormone.
Are you following me here?
While oxytocin is all aboutmaternal bonding and empathy,
(10:17):
vasopressin is more focused onromantic attachments,
particularly from the maleperspective, as I mentioned
earlier.
But what happens when he doesn'trelease vasopressin?
Let's break it down because thescience of modern sex and
bonding has totally evolved.
And boy, do we have some juicybacks.
First, I'll tell you, oxytocinand bonding, often called the
love hormone, oxytocin isreleased during that physical
(10:39):
touch, you know, forming bondsand promoting trust and
intimacy.
It's like your emotional glue.
Women get that all the time.
That's why we like foreplay.
That's why we need it.
Did you know it takes us aboutnine minutes to have an actual
orgasm while men are down thereor doing something or thinking
that they're doing something?
It takes time.
And that's why you have theexchange.
Men, we don't expect you to begoing downtown for 15 minutes
(11:01):
straight.
Women need to feel comfortableand then relaxed.
And that's why sometimes theyintroduce wine and all those
other things, right?
To relax you, inhibit you,uninhibit you.
I used to always go around whenI was younger.
I'm so uninhibited.
I'm a great lover.
Well, yeah, I am.
And I'm not just saying that.
I am an incredibly presentlover.
because I don't approach ittransactionally.
(11:23):
And when I have, I've alwaysregretted it because I didn't
even know I was doing it.
And there was a good chunk of mylife where that happened.
Thank God I've learned later inlife not to do that and also
learned just most recently, Iwant to say the last five to 10
years, how important it is notto do it that way.
But was I always successful?
(11:43):
No.
like a lot of us, we give inbecause we want love and we
reassociate oxytocin and bondingtogether to feel this love
hormone.
So like I mentioned, oxytocinand bonding is called the love
hormone.
Vasopressin's role, the hormoneis all about long-term bonding,
especially for the fellas.
It works in harmony withoxytocin to spark that loyalty
(12:05):
and attachment after thosesteamy sessions we have, you
know?
Now, That's also where itdoesn't happen, because if they
didn't release that vasopressin,well, there's no bond.
He gets up, you get dressed, hegets dressed, and each of you go
your own ways, and it's kind ofcold, like you didn't just share
the most intimate, sacred partsof yourselves.
You probably don't even knoweach other's last names.
Shame on you.
(12:26):
And if that's the case, it'ssad.
So you need to reflect, and I'mjust going to say it that way,
and that's that.
So the power of physical touch.
I'm not judging you.
If I were your mom or yoursister or your best friend,
which I think I am right now, Iwould ask you to do that with
some discernment and someaccountability for your own lack
of judgment.
Anyway, I'll leave it there.
(12:47):
So the power of physical touch.
Not only do we get oxytocin andvasopressin, but also endorphins
that boost our mood, ourwell-being, creating a cycle of
emotional closeness and desirefor more physical intimacy.
You know, the second timearound.
And, you know, the attachmenttheory behind that, early
relationships shape how we bondas adults.
(13:08):
It is important, securely attachyourself to individuals who
enjoy these healthierrelationships, everyone.
While anxious or avoidance typesstruggle with attachment, it's
another factor to this, right?
Sexual intimacy and emotionalhealth, spoiler alert, is good
for your emotional well-being.
It promotes closeness, improvesyour moods, and reduces stress.
(13:31):
So of course we seek it.
Not only it's fun, it's so, Idon't know, I love it.
I love it.
And sexual satisfaction and arelationship strength is so
important to longevity in arelationship.
A satisfying sex life is linkedto overall happiness in
relationships.
Who knew?
I did.
I always knew.
(13:52):
But the problem with me was thatI centered so much about that
that I forgot about the rest.
Even if I intelligently knewabout the rest, my focus was
about the sexual satisfactionthat would actually strengthen,
I thought, strengthen my bondand my relationship.
Well, satisfying sex is great.
And yes, it'll always be thereif you've got it.
(14:14):
If you had it with that person,it would always be there.
I'm here to tell you.
It used to be an ongoing jokebetween me and my girlfriends
how my exes would always circleand recycle and want to come
back.
And I'm not talking once ortwice or a year later.
I'm talking decades to this day.
So I'm proud of that, but at thesame time, proud in what way?
That I'm actually a really greatlover and I know how to connect
(14:36):
with people?
I'm actually really proud ofthat because most of my exes are
my friends.
And I don't have that many, butI'm just saying, says something.
Are yours your friends?
Yeah.
So the neurochemicals duringorgasm when you climax, your
brain releases a cocktail offeel-good neurochemicals.
Did you know that?
(14:56):
Dopamine, serotonin, these areyour party favors for bonding.
Yeah, and we all need them.
Modern sex and intimacy today,intimacy isn't just physical.
Emotional vulnerability plays ahuge role in deep connections.
Now let's get real for a moment.
The fakers.
the real ones, and the lostsouls, or even worse, the never
(15:17):
ever had ones.
Let's be honest, how many womenare actually having orgasms, not
faking them, and notchoreographing them for his ego?
I know a lot of people likethat.
They think it's like eitherperformance or they're a
starfish or they're OnlyFansporn star.
There is a middle ground,everyone, and it's called figure
(15:37):
it out.
It's called figure it out.
I can't be all things toeveryone.
So here's the deal.
Sex is everywhere, but pleasure,real embodied pleasure, that a
different ballgame pleasure isso rare.
I used to navigate relationshipstransactionally, like I
mentioned, not realizing I waschipping away at my self-esteem
and respect.
I wondered why it felt so hollowsometimes and why I didn't feel
(15:59):
fulfilled, even if it endedright.
Even if I left and walked awaywith respect and loving,
cherishing feelings, it didn'talways go there.
It didn't last very long, Ishould say.
It always left me feeling anemotional hangover because I
felt like I just...
How would I put it?
When you betray yourself.
Because even if I cared aboutthem and I wanted more, because
(16:20):
that's usually the case, I feltlike I actually betrayed myself.
So I'm here and I want to talkabout all this, but I'm also
wanting to talk about thatbecause it's extremely important
to ask yourself these hardquestions.
And like I mentioned, it left mewith an emotional hangover.
I found myself asking...
Why?
Why do I feel this way?
(16:41):
So I'm talking about discoveringyour sensuality, not your
sexuality, organically.
Not because some magazine toldyou to lick a popsicle stick
this way because he'll love itand he's going to be pleased
that you did this.
Who cares?
Yes, explore each other'sbodies.
Get to know him.
Learn some things before you getto know him so that when you're
preparing yourself to beintimate with your, hopefully,
(17:03):
husband or your fiance orcommitted partner for life, And
I say this because it'simportant to understand that sex
is not meant to betransactional.
It just isn't.
It's turned into that.
In fact, it's turned intosomething far uglier than that,
that I don't even want to gothere right now.
Let's just stick to topic andthen we'll go there.
(17:24):
So your body is sovereign.
And if you don't treat it thatway, that's how it's going to
get treated like it's not.
My sovereign body stands on afoundation of self-respect today
and vulnerability that is chosenby I don't choose to give it to
everyone.
I don't choose to give myself-respect away to anyone and
most definitely will not, howwould I say, compromise my
sovereignty and my standards forany man, no matter what.
(17:49):
I'm protected of my body at allcosts because I've claimed that
ultimate prize, me.
I am the prize.
My cookie jar is closed.
And guess what?
You can too, right now, at anyage.
Lady, it's about you.
And ladies, it's aboutrecognizing your worth and
(18:09):
cherishing it.
Because if you don't, no onewill.
And let me be crystal clearabout that.
If you don't, no one will.
Sex does not equal intimacy.
Sex does not equal love.
And sex does not equal bonding.
Not for men anyway.
And now is when you get yourwake-up call.
I truly hope you've experiencedearth-shattering, leg-quivering
(18:31):
orgasms.
Because if you haven't, You'retruly missing out on building
something that's sacred withyourself and your lover and in
your relationship.
And oxytocin is our drug,ladies.
We would be cuddling one nightand having a climactic moment.
And by breakfast, we're planningbaby names.
Yeah, that's usually how it goesdown.
But for the guys, it's adifferent story altogether.
(18:51):
And vasopressin is the realbonding hormone for them.
Not orgasms, not tight jeans,not your decadent dessert of a
vagina.
Nope.
It's about challenge, trust,respect, and safety.
Yeah, they need that.
Did you know men feel thosethings and need them as well?
If those aren't present, he'snot bonding and he's just
(19:11):
releasing.
That is the fact.
Hence, where we're going withall this.
So if you're only connectingbetween the sheets or through
steamy texts or FaceTime,whatever, Sorry, I had to say
it, eh?
But you're just a booty call.
If that triggers you, oh well.
But you already knew that,didn't you?
I was late to that game.
(19:33):
I thought I was engaging withsomeone that really cared about
me.
I thought I was moving forwardwith someone on a path that was
going to lead to more.
And I became and I allowedmyself to be vulnerable in a
situation that I felt was verymuch destined.
I don't say that lightly at all.
And I'll revert to thisbecause...
It is my last experiencesexually.
And it's also been close to twoyears this August that that's
(19:56):
happened.
So I'm coming up and it's beencelibacy since.
So bravo to me, but it's changedme, informed me in ways where I
can talk about this now.
I used to not be able to talkabout this.
I used to not be able toactually look at myself in the
mirror and talk to myself thisway.
But now I can see it for what itreally was and what it really
is, is it was really messed up.
I was taken for, how would I saythis without sounding like a
(20:18):
victim?
I was set up and it was nevermeant to be an emotional
connection.
It was never meant to last.
It was always meant for fun.
And I think I surprised someone.
I think I surprised somebodywith not only my loyalty and my
love and my essence and howwonderful I am in bed, but also
as a person and alsointelligently.
I might have surprised them evenjust with this podcast, but who
(20:40):
cares because it's too late now.
And all I'm trying to say isthat when men can screw with
your mind, they will.
But you can't screw your wayinto a man's soul.
You can't moan your way into hismorals.
biology doesn't lie.
Sadly, it's the truth.
Double standard or not, it's theway we're built.
And I'm not, I know I'm going tobe stepping on toes by saying
all this.
(21:00):
So if you want to complain, gotalk to someone else.
Maybe you're guilty.
I don't know.
Now let's shift gears and talkabout sensuality.
Because like I mentionedearlier, it's not about
sexuality.
It's about sensuality.
I'm not talking about lingeriethough.
Yeah, ladies, rock it.
Go for it.
Go to La Perla.
Go get your trashy lingerie.
I don't know, whatever yourthing is.
But I'm talking about how youmove, how you breathe, how you
(21:22):
inhabit your temple, your sacredbody.
Do you touch yourself withreverence or does that feel too
much for you?
How do you approach lovemaking?
Is it just sex for you?
Is it?
Because there's a hugedifference.
Do you speak to your body likeit's sacred or like a project
needing approval?
Do you choose yourself or do youlet men treat you like an ATM?
(21:44):
Ask yourself these questions.
Sit down with that.
Do you choose yourself or do youlet men treat you like an ATM?
Now, that's a hard one toanswer.
I'm pretty sure you're not goingto be happy about answering
that.
But hey, if you're waking up,wake up, baby.
It's time to smell the coffee.
I want you to look at yourselfand ask yourself, are you
(22:06):
choosing you?
Or are you just into the instantgratification and hope that
there's more afterward?
Hey, anyone can walk up to abank and pull money.
Are you that person?
Are you their ATM?
You are when you answer theircalls after 9 p.m.
That's all I'll say about that.
So are you a walking AI dollmachine that thinks that your
(22:28):
looks are all that matter?
Are you a starfish that youthink is so rare and precious?
Or are you a bespoken royalqueen goddess?
I don't know, but I dodefinitely consider myself a
queen.
And do you explore yourselfwithout shame, without mirrors,
without rushing to climax?
I used to rush.
(22:48):
I used to think that things werea little bit more on the DL.
Ladies, one of the best thingsmy ex told me was, Erica, let me
tell you something.
He says, men know what they'regetting themselves into, whether
you are chubby or not chubby orthis or that.
When you get naked, pretty muchthat's all out the window
(23:11):
because they already know it wasthere.
So you're not fooling anyone.
You're not hiding anything thatthey didn't already know and
see.
So if you haven't met your ownpleasure first because you're
shy or ashamed or just not thatbold, he sure as hell won't.
Women can experience severaldifferent types of orgasms, but
(23:32):
yet they don't even know that.
Men don't even know it.
Most of you.
Sorry, I'm going to say it.
Not sorry.
each with unique sensations andtriggers.
And here's an overview because Iwant to give you this because
it's important.
It's important for you to knowthat there's more than just one
type of orgasm or two.
There's several.
Let me touch on those.
I hope you're drinking.
(23:53):
That's all I can say.
Clitoral orgasm.
That's the most common.
The clitoris is a highlysensitive area, and this type of
orgasm is typically the mostcommon for women.
That's hands down.
Of course, the trigger is director indirect stimulation of the
clitoris, either through manual,oral, or penetration-based
activities.
The sensations are sharp,concentrated feeling of pleasure
(24:15):
in the genital area, oftenaccompanied by rhythmic
contractions.
Yes, so even if she reaches thatclimax...
She will have thosecontractions.
And that's why usually if menare very well informed, I'll say
that, they know how to givesomeone multiple ones at the
time that they're having anorgasm because they'll keep
(24:36):
going.
They won't stop.
And I'm not talking aboutthrusting.
I'm talking about fingers,mouths, or both together.
And I've experienced that.
But if you don't and you're justone of those get in, get out,
maybe go there for a second ortwo, you are the worst lover
ever and you should not be doingit.
Sorry, I'm going to say it.
And yes, I've had that.
Second, vaginal orgasm, whichmost women find very difficult.
(25:01):
Stimulation of vaginal walls,particularly the G-spot.
It's a sensitive area located afew inches inside the vaginal
canal, if you didn't know.
And it's a deep, full-bodiedsensation that can feel
different from the clitoralorgasm.
It's actually very different.
It's sometimes described as alonger, lasting, more intense
experience.
It's actually pretty intense,and it's really good.
(25:23):
They all are, but here, let mekeep going.
Then there's the G-spot orgasm.
Trigger is the directstimulation of the G-spot, which
is located on the anterior...
which is the front wall of thevagina, about two to three
inches inside.
So it's kind of like you putyour finger, okay, like, I don't
know how to say this.
(25:44):
You know when you're callingsomeone over to you, you got
your finger out, your hands up,your fingers pointing, and
you're telling them to come herewith your finger?
That's what you do inside yourvagina.
That's all I'm going to sayabout that.
So it's a powerful orgasm thatmay feel different from the
clitoral orgasm, more internal,with a deeper, almost
pressure-like sensation.
Pretty amazing, actually.
So there's the blended orgasmsas well.
(26:06):
I didn't know if you knew that,but there's a combination.
And that's what I mentionedearlier when I said the fingers
as well as the mouth, as well asthe time when you can keep
going.
This occurs when a womanexperiences both clitoral and
vaginal G-spot orgasms at thesame time or in close proximity
and succession, which isamazing.
And it's a sensation that'sheightened sense of pleasure as
(26:28):
the brain possesses pleasurefrom multiple nerve areas at
once.
Yep.
And the cervical orgasm triggerdeep penetration that stimulates
the cervix and, of course, oftendeeper and more intense than a
G-spot orgasm.
This type of orgasm is rare andsomeone, well, some women report
it's a feeling of full-bodiedand deeply satisfying.
(26:49):
Yeah, that's all I can say aboutthat for now.
Next is the anal orgasm.
I know, I know.
Backdoor entrance.
But stimulation of the analarea, either through penetration
or external massage, can be verypleasurable.
And the anus has a highconcentration of nerve endings.
And for some women, analstimulation can lead to strong
(27:12):
orgasms.
It may be combined with vaginaland or clitoral stimulation.
And then there's the nippleorgasm.
which is stimulation of thenipples through touching,
licking, or sucking, and someonewho experienced orgasm-like
sensations or even reachedorgasm from nipple stimulations
alone.
This is because the breasts areconnected to the erogenous
(27:32):
zones.
And I didn't say that right.
It's erogenous.
Then there's the mental orpsychological orgasm trigger, a
deeply emotional and or mentalconnection that can lead some
women to experience orgasmwithout direct Physical
stimulation.
I've read about this.
I've seen videos on it, and Ifound it to be absolutely
(27:53):
fascinating.
And yes, I've had one.
And yes, it's possible.
So I'm saying that.
Sensations often described as astrong emotional body-wide
release that can feel just asintense as a physical orgasm.
The mind is so powerful.
It is the tool or a weapon.
You decide.
But man, when you use it as atool, it's a great piece of
(28:15):
arsenal.
And then there's the nine, ofcourse, the nine multiple
orgasm.
I say nine because it's justlike, there's so many that can
happen, right?
But like a woman can experiencemore than just one orgasm during
a single sexual encounter,usually with a short break
between them.
And sensation is a series ofintense sensations that may
build an intensity with eachsubsequent orgasm.
(28:37):
And that is probably like thetime when you need to like take
a break, eat a meal, take ashower, take a break, come back
to it because those are prettyamazing.
If you know, you know.
So the key factors influencingorgasm types are physical
sensitivity.
Each woman, as you know, isunique.
(28:57):
Her body is different and noteveryone's made the same and
different types of stimulationwork for different people.
So that's why the communication,the intimacy is so paramount
here.
The psychological factors play aWho are you with?
Are they in a good state ofmind?
Are they good emotionally?
Are they emotionally connected?
And the comfort level with apartner can affect the
(29:18):
experience of orgasm.
Of course it does.
That's why I said, do you knoweach other's last names?
Do you care?
Do you know what each other doesfor a living?
Do you have any idea if theyhave siblings?
Are you connected that way or isit just purely physical?
Ask yourself these hardquestions.
Then there's a hormonal cycle.
which changes throughout themenstrual cycle, can influence
sexual arousal and orgasmicresponses, which is what I
(29:40):
talked about in one of myepisodes about menopause.
Menopause and menopause.
So go back to that and thenwe'll talk.
So the myth of the one orgasmversus the multiple.
The number nine.
I love to call it the numbernine.
Multiple orgasms are possiblefor some women where they may
experience multiple peaks orpleasures in a single session.
(30:03):
However, not all women are goingto experience this.
Understanding these varioustypes are the triggers that we
need to help women to get betterat exploring their own bodies,
their own intimacy, their owneverythings, and embrace their
sexual experiences so that whenthey walk into them, they're not
just these meek starfishes.
that think that they don'treally have to do or say much.
And I'm saying that with a lotof love, ladies.
(30:25):
But you know what?
I don't blame you.
I know so many like you.
That's why I'm such athoroughbred in bed.
I'm going to say it the way itis because there's not a lot of
women built like me and there'snot a lot of women that know a
lot.
And when they do, they rarelyshare it.
So here I am.
Take it.
Scoop it up.
Re-listen to this a few times ifyou have to.
444 on the clock, by the way.
So gentlemen, let me start withthis.
(30:49):
Gentlemen, with experience arelike well-bred horses.
They're so rare.
You know that, right?
Thoroughbred horses are superrare and they're very sought
after.
They're meticulous and refined,like love sommeliers, I like to
call them.
Connoisseurs of the vaginaunderworld, if you will.
But just like fine wine, amazingsex can lead to premature
(31:11):
bonding because you releaseoxytocin, like I mentioned,
immediately and you feel thatbond.
And despite your feelings, andit can be dangerous and
addictive, you're going to goforward.
Because regardless, you've justreleased oxytocin, there's a
bonding effect, and now thatperson that you didn't think
that was so cute or maybe notthat interesting and that you
thought this is going to be justtransactional, it'll be a one-
(31:33):
or two-time thing, has nowbecome something that you want
to seek.
And you don't even know why.
Because you're like, why do Ifeel this way?
Well, it's because you bondedwith that guy during sex, and he
didn't.
So detrimental and harmful islike a beyond here.
It is a cycle we need to break.
It's just detrimental toyourself, your psyche, the way
(31:55):
you're going to go forward.
And if you do all of what I'msharing with you, you having
these intimacy relationships,transactional or not, it's going
to bond you to someone.
So choose wisely, ladies,please.
So explore yourselves.
There are so many reasons whyyou can do this.
It doesn't have to be with aman.
(32:17):
Premature giving can misleadyou.
Taking your power for free inthe name of casual fun is
expensive.
Let's be blunt.
Your vagina is your life canal.
You produce a human being fromyour body and you bird them
through your canal.
Now you're allowing somestranger to come and take house
and home in there for very free,how would I say, rent?
(32:39):
You know, sometimes they don'teven buy a ticket and all you
ladies do is just lay down.
I don't understand it.
You're not a pair of shoes youjust toss aside after one or two
uses, you know?
So don't treat your lotus flowerlike a pair of Crocs, you know?
Try to do something that's alittle different.
Don't be a Lily Phillips.
Water down to think that you'relike, I don't know, something
(33:01):
else.
Write that down.
Your flower carries power.
Wow, that sounded good.
Your flower carries power.
And a lot of weight, by the way.
And a man's entire karmichistory, actually.
can actually affect you.
Let me rephrase that, okay?
When you have intimacy with aman, sex, whatever you want to
(33:23):
call it, if whatever you'redoing, I should say, his entire
karmic history is going to enterinto you.
If you're not careful, you canend up with an entity
attachment.
If you don't believe in that,read up on it.
Research it.
It's true.
That's why Liliths and Jezebelsexist.
It works both ways, girls.
(33:43):
Both ways, men and women alike.
And that will literally kill youwith an STI or STD, an unwanted
pregnancy.
So you're now attached tosomeone you didn't really care
about.
Now you're all, I don't know,maybe potentially wifed up or
having an unwanted pregnancywith someone you barely know.
It's dangerous.
(34:05):
So who you lay with willliterally leave a residue inside
you and imprint on your life.
Do you understand that?
Okay, so the many masks ofintimacy, the mass love and the
base success, sex, excuse me,when he comes in with his story,
it's like the hamburger effect.
He robs you of your sacred honeyand leaves you confused.
(34:27):
Yeah, and now you know why.
Proving how the lack ofvasopressin means energy, sex,
and intimacy are nothing withoutthat bond.
A key takeaway regarding men'svasopressin release compared to
women's oxytocin release is thatthe distinct role these hormones
play in social bonding andemotional regulation is very
paramount.
And it's often associated withbehaviors like social bonding,
(34:50):
aggression, and territoriality.
I can never say the word.
Territoriality?
You guys can help me with that.
Men typically releasevasopressin during moments of
social interactions,particularly in contexts related
to bonding, such as during anintimate relationship and when
forming social attachments, notjust during sex.
It can also be released inresponse to stress or
competitive situationsinfluencing him and how men
(35:12):
react in social contexts.
So, In women, of course, theoxytocin is contrast in
primarily linking her tonurturing behaviors, you know,
the maternal instincts andemotional connections, getting
up, making sure he's good andhe's got something to eat or
he's well taken care of, thatmommy effect.
Women often experience oxytocinreleasing during childbirth,
(35:33):
breastfeeding, and socialinteractions also, and that
promotes bonding.
So understanding these hormonaldifferences highlights how men
and women may approachrelationships and social
interactions.
different.
You know what I'm saying?
It's not about just thevasopressin enhancing male
bonding behaviors and oxytocinfostering female nurturing and
emotional connections.
(35:53):
This distinction can help informdiscussions about gender
dynamics and relationships andsocial structures.
So yes, have the orgasms, butwhom are you giving them to?
What is it costing you?
When it comes to women andreaching orgasm, the statistics
can be quite telling.
and often highlight disparitiesin sexual experiences.
(36:17):
And so, like, here are some ofthe statistics and the insights
about women and orgasms.
The orgasm rates researchindicates that approximately 65%
to 70% of women reportexperiencing orgasm during
sexual encounters with apartner.
That's not bad.
Now, it's not 100%.
It's not even 75%.
Compared to about the 90% ofmen.
(36:37):
Did you get that difference?
65 to 70% of women reportingexperience orgasm during sexual
encounters with a partnercompared to about 90% of men.
This more than suggests thatwomen are less likely to climax
in heterosexual encounters.
Yeah, sadly, that's the truth.
I don't know.
I'd like to say it's probablylike 50% of women, but I'm not
(36:59):
being pessimistic.
I'm speaking from what I hear.
So faking orgasm is another partof this and studies show that
around 50 to 70% of women havefaked an orgasm at some point.
And this often stems from adesire to please their partner
or to avoid awkwardness,underlining the pressure some
women feel during sexualexperiences.
It's like we're so freaking, Idon't know, holding a
(37:21):
white-gloved baby, newborn babyin our hands when coddling him
so he feels good about somethinghe didn't even bother trying to
do.
And if he thought so, Wake up.
You didn't.
Because if you cannot tell whena woman is giving you a fake
orgasm, you're not a good lover.
Bottom line, you need to go backto sex education, intimacy
(37:43):
school, because it's not abouttransactional ATM getting off.
You just may as well just go geta hole in a wall.
And I'm saying that bluntlybecause it needs to be said that
way.
There's a clitoral stimulationcalled Research indicates that
the majority of women requiredirect clitoral stimulation, you
will hear this all the damntime, to reach orgasm.
(38:05):
In fact, around 70% of women saythat they need clitoral
stimulation to achieve orgasm,which emphasizes the importance
of understanding female anatomy.
Do you guys know the femaleanatomy?
Yeah, I'm asking.
It's shocking to hear some ofthe things men say or don't
know.
It's unbelievable sometimes.
I'm just like astounded.
(38:27):
And then let's lead me to thenext part, the frequency of
orgasms.
According to surveys, when womentypically reporting having
orgasms less frequently thanmen, of course, in some studies,
women reporting achieving orgasmonly about 40% of the time.
What did I say about 50% earlyduring sexual encounters
compared to men's higher rates?
I kind of vibrate on thissubject.
(38:49):
Factors influencing orgasm, andnot vibrate in a good way.
Factors influencing orgasm, suchas emotional connection, quality
of the relationship, and comfortwith one's own lotus.
And a deeper dive into the topicof orgasms, particularly
focusing on women.
Did you know how many differentorgasms there were, like I
mentioned above?
I want you all to ask yourselfthose questions, or was the
(39:11):
first time you've ever heard allthat?
I really want to know.
Fellas, do you?
Women, I know you don't, but ifyou don't, you do now, all of
you.
So let's face it, 98% of youapproach sex as mechanical and
transactional.
Because if you don't know yourown body, your own pleasure
zones, or how to get there,you're just as guilty.
(39:32):
You're just as culpable.
So, sorry to say this, but we'reall responsible for that.
And it's not just on one genderor another.
And the responsibility does fallon both of us.
The psychological factor, thephysical factor, the experience
itself, and how we exchange.
It's not just an age thing.
(39:52):
It's a real fact that it'ssomething we all do.
We all seek.
Animals seek it.
We seek it.
So why are we not talking aboutall these important things?
Why am I now at 54 realizingsome of this?
I never knew about vasopressinbefore.
until I started realizing thatthere's a huge break.
(40:12):
We're not broken.
There's just breaks in our, howwould I put it, our evolution,
if you will, that age andexperience sometimes don't give
you.
And so we have to figure thisout and we have to research and
reflect and find out the answersas to why women aren't seeking
these orgasms.
It's social, it's cultural, it'show you were brought up.
(40:35):
I don't know.
But studies show that womenoften become more comfortable
with their bodies and sexualpleasure as they age.
Hence, my point that age is nota curse.
It's an evolution and leading toincreased orgasm frequency.
So hallelujah, ladies.
And women in their 30s and 40soften report higher satisfaction
(40:55):
levels.
Now, the orgasm gap, it refersto the display between men and
women regarding orgasm frequencyduring heterosexual encounters.
This gap highlights the need forbetter communication and
understanding, like I mentioned,in sexual relationships.
Now, the health benefitsreaching orgasm has numerous
health benefits that no onereally discusses, but let me
just say it.
(41:16):
It does include reduced stress,improved sleep, and increased
feelings of intimacy andconnection with your partners.
Why would we want that?
So the myths and misconceptions,there are many myths surrounding
the female orgasms, includingthe idea that all women should
be able to reach orgasm easilyor through sex.
I'm sorry, just likeintercourse, I should say,
vaginal and penetration.
(41:36):
That's not true.
In reality, every woman'sexperience is unique, and
factors such as arousal, let merephrase that, factors such as
arousal, comfort, and emotionalconnection all play crucial
roles.
So by understanding theseaspects, you can approach the
subjects of women's orgasms withgreater insight and awareness,
gentlemen, fostering yourhealthier conversations and
(42:00):
intimacy and pleasure foryourselves as well.
So if you need more specificstatistics or information, just
feel free to ask and go find it.
I'm just saying.
Now, there's another factor tothis that we should cover and
talk about.
There's always something elsethat sort of...
can conclude as to why men aretransactional about sex, right?
(42:21):
And that's called sex addiction.
Sex addiction is characterizedby an inability to control
sexual impulses leading tonegative consequences.
Usually it's going out on yourpartner, repeatedly with
different women, women you don'tknow, calling prostitutes, being
gone for days and day out,probably using sex and drugs
with it.
It's usually one-on-one.
(42:42):
It does.
I'm sorry.
They intersect together,alcohol, drugs, and sexual
behavior.
I'm not going to lie.
And substances can lowerinhibitions and heighten sexual
desire.
So of course people do use them.
We know that.
Let's explore that a little bitbecause it's not just sex
addiction.
It's exploring also loveaddiction and avoidant
attachment.
It's all there.
It's all parallel.
(43:03):
In my opinion, it's sosubjective to everything.
And love addiction leads toobsessive behaviors rooted in
attachment issues, which comesbecause you've released oxytocin
to someone you didn't knowduring sex that now is avoiding
you.
So now your avoidant attachmentis triggered.
And all of it comes fromprobably your childhood and
(43:23):
early neglect or maybe someS.A.ing that happened to you or
some sort of challenge that madeintimacy challenging.
So of course, these things andfactors all take place and have
a big role in how we addressorgasms, intimacy, pleasuring
ourselves, connecting andbonding, communication.
And when that happens, when wechoose to share that with
(43:44):
someone or whether we just getchosen and do it.
So let's address this a littlebit about that.
It's called my famous line, theelephant in the room, the lack
of emotional intelligence andempathy.
It isn't your fault.
You know, it's not your faultthat at 13 or 16 and even 18,
but after that, what's yourexcuse?
(44:04):
That you didn't know all this.
There's no bond and noconnection, just a game of the
hamburger effect because that'swhat you were seeing or were
taught subconsciously orconsciously.
For many men, sex isn't viewedas an act of love.
That's just the facts.
What does that do?
It leaves all of us women prettymuch lost and confused.
(44:25):
It's performative sex versusintimacy, ladies.
And it's all about acting.
Well, intimacy is aboutconnection, vulnerability, and
presence.
And if you haven't felt that, Ipray that you do.
Just spot it if you got it,okay?
And today's fragmented cultureleads to sex without love,
making it transactional.
And that's the truth.
(44:45):
So you can change thatnarrative.
You know, I can tell you thatthere's many times when I've had
experiences with people whom Iwas completely and utterly in
love with and completely bondedto.
And was convinced that thatperson was also in that place.
But what ended up happening wasit was performative.
That person had love, avoidancy,love addiction, all kinds of
(45:09):
different parallels.
And you know, I know him todayand I know he's not like that
today and that he's done thework and gone through the dark
night of the soul.
And he's quite an incredibleman.
I got to be honest with you.
I struggled with reaching out tohim and having him as a guest on
my show today because I thoughtit would be interesting to have
a male perspective and maybeI'll bring him back for that.
We're just in our 10 episodesright now and I'm getting
(45:31):
familiar with all of you andhopefully setting the stage for
you all to see what I'm comingwith because I'm coming with my
arsenal, baby, and I'm talkingabout it all.
So if no one told you today,you're allowed to take up space
in your own pleasure.
I'm allowed to tell you thattoo.
And I'm telling you, you'reallowed to wait for more than
just the O.
Wait for the man who's worthy ofit.
And you're allowed to say,that's not enough for me
(45:53):
anymore.
You know, you are.
At any age.
This chapter of your life, it'sabout unapologetic embodiment.
Not silence.
Not shame.
Just soul.
Some sassy sensuality.
And power.
Personal power.
So in closing, don't forget tovalue your previous yoni power
(46:13):
and the gift of self-pleasuringto save your sacred, sacral
energy for a true love that willrecognize you, reciprocate, and
not leave you with unrequitedexpectations or love.
Now, expectations is a trickyword, but we have them.
They exist.
And you're not aiming too highto want to actually cuddle after
(46:34):
your intimate session and maybewanting a second round.
It's not about just getting up,taking a shower, and leaving.
If it is, shame on you.
And God, ladies, you're worth somuch more than that.
Your vag, your vajay, yourvagin, your vagin, isn't an ATM.
Save your life sacred energy forsomeone who you actually think
(47:00):
is worth giving it to.
Because there's an exchangewhether you like it or not.
And not everyone is going tobond and some always do.
And now we know why.
So this has been heart tohearts, my heart to yours.
Of course, there's so much moreI want to unpack right now.
I mean, there's so much beautyin having sex and so much beauty
(47:21):
and in love.
And I want that.
I no longer chose to betransactional and or settle like
we all do today.
A lot.
I say not all.
I say all a lot.
So excuse me for that.
Everyone knows, I hope, thatit's not an absolute.
I'm speaking in generalities andthis is my perspective.
So my POV, fellas and ladies, itisn't, it is personal.
(47:44):
And hopefully you've gottensomething from this and I'll
expand on this again and moreand in depth and I'll hopefully
have a couple of guests and togo into it and, you know.
But in the meantime, this hasbeen Heart to Hearts with me,
your host, Erica M.
Unfiltered, unrushed, unabashed.
and of course, unapologeticallyyours.
(48:05):
So if you haven't already, wouldyou hit the subscribe button for
me?
Would you share, maybe hit alike, and maybe comment if you'd
like to say hi.
Let me know where you're hearingme from.
And of course, I don't know theplatform you're hearing me from,
but if you are or not, andyou're on YouTube, I'm there as
well.
So love to see and hear from youand say whatever it is you've
(48:25):
got on your chest and let itout.
I'll be back next Sunday.
And until then, stay soft, staybold, Stay empowered.
And above all, explore yourbody.
Remember, you're not a tool.
That your body is a weapon andyour vag isn't a tool.
You can use them for goodthings.
(48:46):
And all you have to do is decidewho gets it, when, and why.
Those are big, giant factorsthat you need to answer for
yourself.
I'm just a catalyst to push youthere.
We'll talk soon.
And remember, you are so worthit.
Never forget that, no matterwhat.
UNKNOWN (49:03):
Bye.
SPEAKER_00 (49:03):
Well, that's a wrap on this episode of Heart to
Hearts with Erica M.
If today hit a nerve, stirred atruth, or sparked a comeback,
make sure to subscribe, share,and come back next Sunday when
Erica talks about whatever shewants.
Midlife isn't the end.
It's where the story gets goodand the middle gets rewritten
your way.
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