January 16, 2026 • 18 mins
Some mornings don’t announce themselves.
You wake up tired, have a cup of coffee, do the same things you always do, and then suddenly you realize that the years you spent believing you could teach your son everything might not be enough.
In this episode, I talk honestly about what it feels like to raise a 14-year-old boy with autism while carrying a deep love for who he is and a growing fear about what I may never be able to give him. I share why I avoid labels, why I protect my son’s privacy, and how lonely it can feel when the people around you simply cannot understand the realities you live with every day.
This is not about despair. It is about the quiet grief that lives inside love. It is about the guilt that shows up when progress stalls. It is about the relief of finally saying the unspeakable to someone who already knows.
There is no tidy ending here. Just the truth of being a father who adores his son and sometimes forgets that not everyone else knows what this life is really like.
It's Here! Get the book – “Hi World, I’m Dad: How Fathers Can Journey to Autism Awareness, Acceptance, and Appreciation” on audio, digital, or print.
Follow Us On TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.
Also, be sure to read the blog that started it all - Hi Blog! I'm Dad.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
James Guttman (00:00):
Hi Pod, it's James Guttman, the writer behind
HiblogIm Dad.com.
I am the host of HiPod I'm Dad.
Thank you for checking us outright here.
2026 is chugging along, and ithas been for me one of the best
years ever.
I gotta tell you, I feel uhphysically healthy, I feel
mentally healthy, I've reallybeen in a good place.
And I think one of the things,kind of a theme with the blog,
(00:23):
and one of the things that I saya lot about autism positivity
is that having a boy like mineand recognizing who he is and
the beauty behind his autism isthe kind of thing that involves
a healthy dose of reality,right?
I don't make anything up whenit comes to my son.
I don't pretend, I don't put onairs.
(00:45):
Uh Lucas is 14, he isnonverbal, he has what many call
severe autism.
And I don't pretend, right?
And I know people come up to mesometimes, oh, he understands
everything.
And I will be like, no, hedoesn't understand everything.
And he doesn't need tounderstand everything.
If Lucas was a verbal14-year-old without autism, he
(01:08):
wouldn't understand everything.
I think it's it's one of thosethings that I stray away from
calling him a superhero orcalling him some sort of
otherworldly being.
He is my boy, he is my son, heis a part of me.
Uh, he happens to have whatmany call profound autism,
however you want to put it, hehas autism.
He doesn't speak, he doesn'tspeak with words.
(01:29):
Doesn't make him less than, itdoesn't make him more than.
He is himself.
And the things that I talkabout when I talk about autism
appreciation are real things.
I don't make up skills, I don'tpretend he can levitate.
Lucas is a sweet boy.
He expresses himself throughemotion and feeling and actions.
(01:49):
And I love every minute I havewith this kid.
For the most, I mean, and thisis what we're gonna get to in a
second.
Again, there's a reality.
Lucas is not only 14, but as Isaid, he has severe autism.
And one of the reasons why thisblog has gained traction over
the last, at this point, nineyears, it's insane, is because
(02:14):
many people are familiar withthe hardships that come with
raising a child who haspronounced needs, right?
And I learned things.
I've talked to people, I'vebeen on podcasts, and they tell
me that we don't say specialneeds or additional needs.
And I'm like, okay, whateversemantics you want to use, I
really don't care.
Like you guys might notice, Idon't say autistic.
(02:35):
Um, that's only a personalpreference.
For me, it's like when Idescribe my son, to say he is
autistic is to make that hisentire like label, so to speak.
Whereas when I say a boy withautism, he's a boy first.
My son with autism, he's my sonfirst.
That's for me.
Being called, I don't care whatyou say, as long as it's not
(02:56):
offensive, as long as it's notcoming from a place of uh trying
to demean him or say somethingbad about him, I'm totally cool
with it.
But one of the reasons whytalking about the positivity of
his personality strikes peopleas unique and different is
because the difficulties thatcome with raising a boy like him
are very much on display.
(03:17):
And I forget sometimes whatpeople outside my home know to
be reality, right?
To them, they see us at a shopright or you know, a target.
And Lucas is upset, he'sdifficult, he doesn't want to
walk down an aisle, and I haveto stand there and kind of rub
his back and coax him into it,and they see that and they go,
(03:39):
that must be hard for that dad.
And yeah, I mean, I guess.
But in many ways, it's a dropin the bucket compared to a lot
of the things that need to bedone when you have a child who,
to be honest with you, lacksmany life skills.
And I say that, right?
I say lacks life skills.
(04:00):
And you can piece it together.
But even as you're piecing ittogether, I've started to learn
that most people really aren'tpiecing it together.
Do you know who can piece thattogether?
Other parents in a situationlike mine.
Other parents to children withsevere or pronounced autism can
read between the lines and hearthe words I'm not saying when I
(04:24):
say them.
My son is 14 years old.
He's going to be 15 this year.
There is a level of privacy andthere is a level of respect
that I owe him by doing thispodcast and by doing the blog
that I take very seriously.
Since the first day I starteddoing this, I made myself a
(04:44):
deal.
Certain things I will not talkabout on here.
I might use code words, I mighttalk around them, I might try
to explain them in ways, butthere are pronounced
difficulties that I do have todeal with when it comes to my
son.
His mom does too.
We split custody.
Um, he's there half the week.
We have reunion Wednesdays.
(05:05):
If you guys see on socialmedia, I sometimes post pictures
on Wednesdays, reunionWednesday.
And it's one of the happiestdays of my week.
But it also begins, you know,the most work that I have to do
for the week.
Getting him up in the morningis not simply like, get up,
buddy, let's go to school.
It's not like that, man.
I have to help him get ready.
I have to help him bathe.
We have to do different thingsto get him set.
(05:28):
And I always hesitate todescribe it because I feel like
it's a very difficult way totalk about it without seeming
like I'm demeaning him.
You know, I don't want to beone of these people who gives
him a mental age.
And I've wrote a blog aboutthat once.
I don't like to say, you know,he's really like mentally four
and three years.
Like, I don't do that.
He's 14 and he has autism.
There's no mentally this age,it doesn't work like that.
(05:49):
Because in many ways, he is 14.
He does 14-year-old things.
He goes into his room, hecloses the door, he doesn't want
to be bothered.
14-year-old things.
I get it.
But there are things that hehas done consistently since he
was a toddler, since he was aninfant that will continue.
Um, when I try to explain itsometimes, I try to find ways
(06:10):
that I can relate this to peoplewho don't understand it, where
they will understand it.
Lucas watches the same TV showsthat he watched as a baby.
I have watched the same SesameStreet episodes for 15 years.
In fact, get this one on, uhalmost 20, because I was
watching it with his sisterbefore he was born, and she's
almost three years older thanhim.
(06:31):
So I have been Rafi concertafter Rafi concert.
I've seen it repeatedly, and hewatches them, he loves them.
It's his thing.
We've read the same bedtimestories.
I read him Frog and Friends theother day.
And I've read that book sincehe was like three years old, and
he loves it.
We sing the same songs, heplays with many of the same
(06:51):
toys.
Lucas likes what Lucas likes.
And a lot of his likes arethings that he discovered at a
young age, and he has stayedwith that.
And I love that about him.
But there are also many lifeskills that he has never picked
up that he continues to needhelp with, just like he did at
that age.
The code word I've always used,and I say code word, code
(07:13):
phrase, whatever, don't correctme, is tying his shoes.
I always say that.
He'll need help tying hisshoes.
And again, people who have aboy like Lucas know what I'm
talking about.
I don't know if everybody does.
And I'm finding out that manypeople don't, because you'll say
it to them and they'll besurprised by it.
So this past week I had a verydifficult morning.
(07:34):
I've written about this before,um, maybe not as um strongly as
I wrote about it in the lastblog.
And to me, it was important tobe as unfiltered as possible
when it came to how I felt.
And I want to explain to youwhy.
When your child is missingmilestones, a two, three, four,
(08:00):
five, it gets scary, right?
Especially when they hit fiveyears old.
I've always talked about fiveyears old being really the point
where I was just like, oh myGod.
Up until then, I was playinggames, and one day, and dear
God, hey God, please, next year.
But once he hit five, it's anacceptance to an extent.
Okay, now we have to deal withthis.
(08:20):
But still, he's five.
Eighteen is a long way away.
We have 13 years.
I'm gonna go over this with himevery single day.
I'm gonna teach him everysingle thing I can.
And we have worked every day ofhis entire life to show him
words and to show him how tocommunicate and to help him
(08:41):
understand things.
I have tried positivereinforcement.
I have tried, you know, wavinga finger in his face.
No, no, no.
I have tried redirection, youname it, I've tried it.
And for some things, it'sworked.
You know, some things he cando, some things it's been great.
Um, he knows certain skills Ididn't think he would know.
There's certain ways ofexpressing himself.
I was looking at videos.
(09:02):
I've been looking at videos andtrying to post them on my
social media.
And I went back and I saw avideo of me trying to teach him
how to kiss on the cheek.
I'm like, Lucas, give me akiss.
And he wasn't able to do it,and now he does it constantly.
So things like that.
All right, cool, I could dothat.
But there are definitely thingsthat he still doesn't get.
And one of the things that cansometimes really pull you down
(09:24):
is that when Lucas falls alittle bit down a chute, he
doesn't go down one step, right?
Like if you're teaching someonesomething and there's like five
steps and they're inching away,inching their way, and they
slip, it's usually like close towhere they were, but a little
bit further down.
With Lucas, it'll just becompletely like, oh, now he
doesn't get it at all.
(09:44):
And as I said before, at five,eighteen is thirteen years away.
At fifteen, eighteen is threeyears away.
And you start to come to arealization I might never be
able to teach my son thesethings.
And I had a morning that wasincredibly difficult emotionally
(10:06):
for me.
Because not only was I tryingto correct him and fix this and
dealing with the work that camewith it, but he didn't get it.
And he's tapping me andlaughing and clapping.
And I'm sitting there dyinginside, thinking, what am I
doing?
What have I been doing thiswhole time?
He still doesn't get it.
He still doesn't understandwhat I'm doing.
(10:27):
And we're in the car and he'stapping me and laughing and not
getting it, not getting you knowhow difficult this had been.
And it feels so incrediblyalone.
To the point where people willcome to you and you'll you'll
say, Are you okay?
And you go, Yeah, I just had arough morning with Lucas.
And they'll say, What happened?
(10:49):
And I had people do that, and Ididn't want to tell them
because I knew they wouldn'tunderstand.
And I knew that the supportthat they gave me would never be
able to fully grasp how it wasaffecting me.
In times like this, it'simportant to have people in your
life who have similarsituations.
I have a good friend, her sonis very similar to Lucas.
(11:10):
I texted her and I explained alot of things that I knew if I
had explained to someone elsewould have shocked them.
And to her, it was just like,oh.
And it's so weird becausethere's a comfort in that.
In saying the unspeakable toanother person and having them
just be like, oh yeah.
(11:31):
And then they have a story, andyou're like, okay, and you
breathe out.
And that's what I needed to do.
I needed to breathe.
I needed to get it out, Ineeded to have a place to say
it.
But you forget.
Because you forget, as I do.
I go through life, and I havepeople in my life and people
around me that don't havechildren like Lucas, don't have
(11:53):
a situation like this.
And maybe if you're listeningto this, don't be offended if
you don't, and you're a familymember, perhaps, or something
like that, and you're not aparent.
Um, but those people around me,I think to myself, well,
everyone gets it, everyone getsit.
And then when an extrememourning happens, you realize
how few do.
And that feeling can reallysting.
(12:16):
And it stung me.
So I was really grateful tohave someone that I could turn
to and explain it.
But beyond that, there is thatguilt and that worry and that
fear that I have failed my son.
And that is a feeling thatstarts to, you know, dissipates
after you start thinking, it'swe all beat ourselves up, right?
We beat ourselves up abouteverything in life, and I didn't
(12:38):
do good enough, and I didn't dothis, and I didn't do that.
So it goes away.
But oh my God, in that moment,it is the world crashes down on
you because I got news for you.
My kids come first beforeanything.
Anything, right?
To know that I am working ashard as I can every single day
(13:01):
to make them both better peopleis what keeps me going.
It keeps me working, it keepsme from not quitting a job, like
for no reason.
Somebody sends you an emaillike this is wrong, with
exclamation points, not beinglike, why don't you cram it with
walnuts, ugly?
I don't do that.
You want to?
Oh my god, do you want to?
But you don't.
And you don't do it because youhave to take care of your kids.
(13:23):
So when you have a morningwhere you see that a lot of the
things that you've been tryingto teach your child 14 years not
only don't take, but he doesn'teven understand when he's done
something wrong or when hehasn't um fulfilled this thing
(13:46):
that you have daily told him todo, it will just spins your head
around.
And it would be easy, right?
Like you guys are listening tothis right now, and you're
going, it sounds a lot likeautism positivity.
It is, and I'll tell you whyit's autism positivity.
If I was one of those parentsand I've met them and I knew
them and I know them thatcomplain nonstop about my child
(14:10):
is so rough for me and all theterrible things about having a
child like Lucas, this wouldn'thurt as bad because it would be
like, of course.
Of course, he doesn't get it.
Of course, one day he might endup in a situation where I can't
care for him anymore.
Of course.
When that happens, it'll belike a mini vacation.
It'll be tough, but like I'llvisit.
(14:31):
But 99% of the time I forgetabout it.
I go through the motions and Ido these things for him,
focusing so much on the beautyof who he is that I forget about
some of the challenges thatstill exist.
And some of the things that ashe gets bigger and I get older
(14:53):
are gonna be tougher for me todo.
And then I think who's gonna doit?
Where is he gonna go?
What's he gonna do?
Who's he gonna be?
How did I end up in a placethat I tried desperately to
avoid?
It's not my fault, great,whatever.
To paraphrase Billy Joel, willthat be your consolation when
(15:14):
he's gone?
It feels so painful to thinkabout.
And here I am, it's themorning, I've had one cup of
coffee, I'm tired because he'sbeen up since four, you know,
and you just don't know how tohold it together.
I don't have these mornings ona regular basis.
I don't even have them on anoccasional basis.
(15:35):
I have them on such a sporadicbasis, but when they hit, they
hit and they come out ofnowhere.
So I will say this (15:42):
like I said before, if you're one of those
people listening to this and youdon't have a child like mine in
your life, in your house, Ishould say.
If you have a friend who has achild like Lucas, if you have a
family member, if you're agrandparent, an aunt, an uncle,
a babysitter, whatever, um,don't be offended when they
(16:03):
don't come to you, but alsorecognize that there are
challenges that people face thatgo beyond what you think they
are.
They don't talk about it.
A lot of us don't.
We'll talk to each other aboutit.
But it's important.
And that's why each day when Iget up and I see my son, and I
(16:26):
love him, and he comes to me andhe claps and we smile and we
take pictures and we have fun.
It's all so real.
And it's all legitimate becausehe is a wonderful, happy,
loving boy.
And it's that love and it'sthat care that makes me want to
do everything for him.
And the pain comes when I thinkto myself, there might come a
(16:47):
time where I can't.
And will anybody love him theway I do and be able to do it?
And that's the fear, and that'sthe reality.
And that's why I wrote thatthis week.
And there was no bow to tie itup.
I didn't have anything sweet atthe end to tell you.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I mean, I have life plans andpeople, people want to respond
and they they comment, like, youhave to put money aside.
(17:09):
I get all that.
We all do stuff and we all planfor it, but even as you're
planning for it, it stilldoesn't take away the sting that
comes with the reality of it.
And it's because I love thiskid.
I love him so much.
And if anybody in the worlddeserves everything, it's him.
He asks nothing directly ofanyone.
(17:31):
He doesn't ask anything of me.
I do these things for himbecause I know he needs me.
And that's it.
That's the whole point.
And that's what makes me wantto do everything for him.
So I appreciate you allowing meto vent to you last week.
Uh, if you want to check itout, it's on the high blog page.
(17:52):
It's when Loving My Son withAutism Isn't Enough was the name
of it.
Um, it was one of the onlyblogs.
It doesn't have a picture ofhim in it.
I didn't feel it wasappropriate.
But I love this kid, man.
And if you have a kid likemine, you do too, and you get
it, and I see you.
And that does it for me.
This is James Gutman.
unknown (18:11):
Thank you.
Hi Pod, it's James Guttman, the writer behind
HiblogIm Dad.com.
I am the host of HiPod I'm Dad.
Thank you for checking us outright here.
2026 is chugging along, and ithas been for me one of the best
years ever.
I gotta tell you, I feel uhphysically healthy, I feel
mentally healthy, I've reallybeen in a good place.
And I think one of the things,kind of a theme with the blog,
(00:23):
and one of the things that I saya lot about autism positivity
is that having a boy like mineand recognizing who he is and
the beauty behind his autism isthe kind of thing that involves
a healthy dose of reality,right?
I don't make anything up whenit comes to my son.
I don't pretend, I don't put onairs.
(00:45):
Uh Lucas is 14, he isnonverbal, he has what many call
severe autism.
And I don't pretend, right?
And I know people come up to mesometimes, oh, he understands
everything.
And I will be like, no, hedoesn't understand everything.
And he doesn't need tounderstand everything.
If Lucas was a verbal14-year-old without autism, he
(01:08):
wouldn't understand everything.
I think it's it's one of thosethings that I stray away from
calling him a superhero orcalling him some sort of
otherworldly being.
He is my boy, he is my son, heis a part of me.
Uh, he happens to have whatmany call profound autism,
however you want to put it, hehas autism.
He doesn't speak, he doesn'tspeak with words.
(01:29):
Doesn't make him less than, itdoesn't make him more than.
He is himself.
And the things that I talkabout when I talk about autism
appreciation are real things.
I don't make up skills, I don'tpretend he can levitate.
Lucas is a sweet boy.
He expresses himself throughemotion and feeling and actions.
(01:49):
And I love every minute I havewith this kid.
For the most, I mean, and thisis what we're gonna get to in a
second.
Again, there's a reality.
Lucas is not only 14, but as Isaid, he has severe autism.
And one of the reasons why thisblog has gained traction over
the last, at this point, nineyears, it's insane, is because
(02:14):
many people are familiar withthe hardships that come with
raising a child who haspronounced needs, right?
And I learned things.
I've talked to people, I'vebeen on podcasts, and they tell
me that we don't say specialneeds or additional needs.
And I'm like, okay, whateversemantics you want to use, I
really don't care.
Like you guys might notice, Idon't say autistic.
(02:35):
Um, that's only a personalpreference.
For me, it's like when Idescribe my son, to say he is
autistic is to make that hisentire like label, so to speak.
Whereas when I say a boy withautism, he's a boy first.
My son with autism, he's my sonfirst.
That's for me.
Being called, I don't care whatyou say, as long as it's not
(02:56):
offensive, as long as it's notcoming from a place of uh trying
to demean him or say somethingbad about him, I'm totally cool
with it.
But one of the reasons whytalking about the positivity of
his personality strikes peopleas unique and different is
because the difficulties thatcome with raising a boy like him
are very much on display.
(03:17):
And I forget sometimes whatpeople outside my home know to
be reality, right?
To them, they see us at a shopright or you know, a target.
And Lucas is upset, he'sdifficult, he doesn't want to
walk down an aisle, and I haveto stand there and kind of rub
his back and coax him into it,and they see that and they go,
(03:39):
that must be hard for that dad.
And yeah, I mean, I guess.
But in many ways, it's a dropin the bucket compared to a lot
of the things that need to bedone when you have a child who,
to be honest with you, lacksmany life skills.
And I say that, right?
I say lacks life skills.
(04:00):
And you can piece it together.
But even as you're piecing ittogether, I've started to learn
that most people really aren'tpiecing it together.
Do you know who can piece thattogether?
Other parents in a situationlike mine.
Other parents to children withsevere or pronounced autism can
read between the lines and hearthe words I'm not saying when I
(04:24):
say them.
My son is 14 years old.
He's going to be 15 this year.
There is a level of privacy andthere is a level of respect
that I owe him by doing thispodcast and by doing the blog
that I take very seriously.
Since the first day I starteddoing this, I made myself a
(04:44):
deal.
Certain things I will not talkabout on here.
I might use code words, I mighttalk around them, I might try
to explain them in ways, butthere are pronounced
difficulties that I do have todeal with when it comes to my
son.
His mom does too.
We split custody.
Um, he's there half the week.
We have reunion Wednesdays.
(05:05):
If you guys see on socialmedia, I sometimes post pictures
on Wednesdays, reunionWednesday.
And it's one of the happiestdays of my week.
But it also begins, you know,the most work that I have to do
for the week.
Getting him up in the morningis not simply like, get up,
buddy, let's go to school.
It's not like that, man.
I have to help him get ready.
I have to help him bathe.
We have to do different thingsto get him set.
(05:28):
And I always hesitate todescribe it because I feel like
it's a very difficult way totalk about it without seeming
like I'm demeaning him.
You know, I don't want to beone of these people who gives
him a mental age.
And I've wrote a blog aboutthat once.
I don't like to say, you know,he's really like mentally four
and three years.
Like, I don't do that.
He's 14 and he has autism.
There's no mentally this age,it doesn't work like that.
(05:49):
Because in many ways, he is 14.
He does 14-year-old things.
He goes into his room, hecloses the door, he doesn't want
to be bothered.
14-year-old things.
I get it.
But there are things that hehas done consistently since he
was a toddler, since he was aninfant that will continue.
Um, when I try to explain itsometimes, I try to find ways
(06:10):
that I can relate this to peoplewho don't understand it, where
they will understand it.
Lucas watches the same TV showsthat he watched as a baby.
I have watched the same SesameStreet episodes for 15 years.
In fact, get this one on, uhalmost 20, because I was
watching it with his sisterbefore he was born, and she's
almost three years older thanhim.
(06:31):
So I have been Rafi concertafter Rafi concert.
I've seen it repeatedly, and hewatches them, he loves them.
It's his thing.
We've read the same bedtimestories.
I read him Frog and Friends theother day.
And I've read that book sincehe was like three years old, and
he loves it.
We sing the same songs, heplays with many of the same
(06:51):
toys.
Lucas likes what Lucas likes.
And a lot of his likes arethings that he discovered at a
young age, and he has stayedwith that.
And I love that about him.
But there are also many lifeskills that he has never picked
up that he continues to needhelp with, just like he did at
that age.
The code word I've always used,and I say code word, code
(07:13):
phrase, whatever, don't correctme, is tying his shoes.
I always say that.
He'll need help tying hisshoes.
And again, people who have aboy like Lucas know what I'm
talking about.
I don't know if everybody does.
And I'm finding out that manypeople don't, because you'll say
it to them and they'll besurprised by it.
So this past week I had a verydifficult morning.
(07:34):
I've written about this before,um, maybe not as um strongly as
I wrote about it in the lastblog.
And to me, it was important tobe as unfiltered as possible
when it came to how I felt.
And I want to explain to youwhy.
When your child is missingmilestones, a two, three, four,
(08:00):
five, it gets scary, right?
Especially when they hit fiveyears old.
I've always talked about fiveyears old being really the point
where I was just like, oh myGod.
Up until then, I was playinggames, and one day, and dear
God, hey God, please, next year.
But once he hit five, it's anacceptance to an extent.
Okay, now we have to deal withthis.
(08:20):
But still, he's five.
Eighteen is a long way away.
We have 13 years.
I'm gonna go over this with himevery single day.
I'm gonna teach him everysingle thing I can.
And we have worked every day ofhis entire life to show him
words and to show him how tocommunicate and to help him
(08:41):
understand things.
I have tried positivereinforcement.
I have tried, you know, wavinga finger in his face.
No, no, no.
I have tried redirection, youname it, I've tried it.
And for some things, it'sworked.
You know, some things he cando, some things it's been great.
Um, he knows certain skills Ididn't think he would know.
There's certain ways ofexpressing himself.
I was looking at videos.
(09:02):
I've been looking at videos andtrying to post them on my
social media.
And I went back and I saw avideo of me trying to teach him
how to kiss on the cheek.
I'm like, Lucas, give me akiss.
And he wasn't able to do it,and now he does it constantly.
So things like that.
All right, cool, I could dothat.
But there are definitely thingsthat he still doesn't get.
And one of the things that cansometimes really pull you down
(09:24):
is that when Lucas falls alittle bit down a chute, he
doesn't go down one step, right?
Like if you're teaching someonesomething and there's like five
steps and they're inching away,inching their way, and they
slip, it's usually like close towhere they were, but a little
bit further down.
With Lucas, it'll just becompletely like, oh, now he
doesn't get it at all.
(09:44):
And as I said before, at five,eighteen is thirteen years away.
At fifteen, eighteen is threeyears away.
And you start to come to arealization I might never be
able to teach my son thesethings.
And I had a morning that wasincredibly difficult emotionally
(10:06):
for me.
Because not only was I tryingto correct him and fix this and
dealing with the work that camewith it, but he didn't get it.
And he's tapping me andlaughing and clapping.
And I'm sitting there dyinginside, thinking, what am I
doing?
What have I been doing thiswhole time?
He still doesn't get it.
He still doesn't understandwhat I'm doing.
(10:27):
And we're in the car and he'stapping me and laughing and not
getting it, not getting you knowhow difficult this had been.
And it feels so incrediblyalone.
To the point where people willcome to you and you'll you'll
say, Are you okay?
And you go, Yeah, I just had arough morning with Lucas.
And they'll say, What happened?
(10:49):
And I had people do that, and Ididn't want to tell them
because I knew they wouldn'tunderstand.
And I knew that the supportthat they gave me would never be
able to fully grasp how it wasaffecting me.
In times like this, it'simportant to have people in your
life who have similarsituations.
I have a good friend, her sonis very similar to Lucas.
(11:10):
I texted her and I explained alot of things that I knew if I
had explained to someone elsewould have shocked them.
And to her, it was just like,oh.
And it's so weird becausethere's a comfort in that.
In saying the unspeakable toanother person and having them
just be like, oh yeah.
(11:31):
And then they have a story, andyou're like, okay, and you
breathe out.
And that's what I needed to do.
I needed to breathe.
I needed to get it out, Ineeded to have a place to say
it.
But you forget.
Because you forget, as I do.
I go through life, and I havepeople in my life and people
around me that don't havechildren like Lucas, don't have
(11:53):
a situation like this.
And maybe if you're listeningto this, don't be offended if
you don't, and you're a familymember, perhaps, or something
like that, and you're not aparent.
Um, but those people around me,I think to myself, well,
everyone gets it, everyone getsit.
And then when an extrememourning happens, you realize
how few do.
And that feeling can reallysting.
(12:16):
And it stung me.
So I was really grateful tohave someone that I could turn
to and explain it.
But beyond that, there is thatguilt and that worry and that
fear that I have failed my son.
And that is a feeling thatstarts to, you know, dissipates
after you start thinking, it'swe all beat ourselves up, right?
We beat ourselves up abouteverything in life, and I didn't
(12:38):
do good enough, and I didn't dothis, and I didn't do that.
So it goes away.
But oh my God, in that moment,it is the world crashes down on
you because I got news for you.
My kids come first beforeanything.
Anything, right?
To know that I am working ashard as I can every single day
(13:01):
to make them both better peopleis what keeps me going.
It keeps me working, it keepsme from not quitting a job, like
for no reason.
Somebody sends you an emaillike this is wrong, with
exclamation points, not beinglike, why don't you cram it with
walnuts, ugly?
I don't do that.
You want to?
Oh my god, do you want to?
But you don't.
And you don't do it because youhave to take care of your kids.
(13:23):
So when you have a morningwhere you see that a lot of the
things that you've been tryingto teach your child 14 years not
only don't take, but he doesn'teven understand when he's done
something wrong or when hehasn't um fulfilled this thing
(13:46):
that you have daily told him todo, it will just spins your head
around.
And it would be easy, right?
Like you guys are listening tothis right now, and you're
going, it sounds a lot likeautism positivity.
It is, and I'll tell you whyit's autism positivity.
If I was one of those parentsand I've met them and I knew
them and I know them thatcomplain nonstop about my child
(14:10):
is so rough for me and all theterrible things about having a
child like Lucas, this wouldn'thurt as bad because it would be
like, of course.
Of course, he doesn't get it.
Of course, one day he might endup in a situation where I can't
care for him anymore.
Of course.
When that happens, it'll belike a mini vacation.
It'll be tough, but like I'llvisit.
(14:31):
But 99% of the time I forgetabout it.
I go through the motions and Ido these things for him,
focusing so much on the beautyof who he is that I forget about
some of the challenges thatstill exist.
And some of the things that ashe gets bigger and I get older
(14:53):
are gonna be tougher for me todo.
And then I think who's gonna doit?
Where is he gonna go?
What's he gonna do?
Who's he gonna be?
How did I end up in a placethat I tried desperately to
avoid?
It's not my fault, great,whatever.
To paraphrase Billy Joel, willthat be your consolation when
(15:14):
he's gone?
It feels so painful to thinkabout.
And here I am, it's themorning, I've had one cup of
coffee, I'm tired because he'sbeen up since four, you know,
and you just don't know how tohold it together.
I don't have these mornings ona regular basis.
I don't even have them on anoccasional basis.
(15:35):
I have them on such a sporadicbasis, but when they hit, they
hit and they come out ofnowhere.
So I will say this (15:42):
like I said before, if you're one of those
people listening to this and youdon't have a child like mine in
your life, in your house, Ishould say.
If you have a friend who has achild like Lucas, if you have a
family member, if you're agrandparent, an aunt, an uncle,
a babysitter, whatever, um,don't be offended when they
(16:03):
don't come to you, but alsorecognize that there are
challenges that people face thatgo beyond what you think they
are.
They don't talk about it.
A lot of us don't.
We'll talk to each other aboutit.
But it's important.
And that's why each day when Iget up and I see my son, and I
(16:26):
love him, and he comes to me andhe claps and we smile and we
take pictures and we have fun.
It's all so real.
And it's all legitimate becausehe is a wonderful, happy,
loving boy.
And it's that love and it'sthat care that makes me want to
do everything for him.
And the pain comes when I thinkto myself, there might come a
(16:47):
time where I can't.
And will anybody love him theway I do and be able to do it?
And that's the fear, and that'sthe reality.
And that's why I wrote thatthis week.
And there was no bow to tie itup.
I didn't have anything sweet atthe end to tell you.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I mean, I have life plans andpeople, people want to respond
and they they comment, like, youhave to put money aside.
(17:09):
I get all that.
We all do stuff and we all planfor it, but even as you're
planning for it, it stilldoesn't take away the sting that
comes with the reality of it.
And it's because I love thiskid.
I love him so much.
And if anybody in the worlddeserves everything, it's him.
He asks nothing directly ofanyone.
(17:31):
He doesn't ask anything of me.
I do these things for himbecause I know he needs me.
And that's it.
That's the whole point.
And that's what makes me wantto do everything for him.
So I appreciate you allowing meto vent to you last week.
Uh, if you want to check itout, it's on the high blog page.
(17:52):
It's when Loving My Son withAutism Isn't Enough was the name
of it.
Um, it was one of the onlyblogs.
It doesn't have a picture ofhim in it.
I didn't feel it wasappropriate.
But I love this kid, man.
And if you have a kid likemine, you do too, and you get
it, and I see you.
And that does it for me.
This is James Gutman.
unknown (18:11):
Thank you.
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