April 10, 2026 • 20 mins
I used to feel like I was waiting for something that would finally make everything make sense - my son’s verbal language. When you’re raising a young child with nonverbal autism, the hardest part isn’t always the day-to-day. It’s the uncertainty, the questions, and not having answers for any of it.
In this episode, I talk about those early years, the pressure from other people, and the reactions that come when your child doesn’t fit expectations. From denial disguised as reassurance to “cures” that miss the point entirely, it’s a reality a lot of parents quietly deal with.
The shift came when I stopped waiting. Not because everything got easier, but because I started seeing my son for who he is right now—not someone I’m still waiting to meet. That’s where autism appreciation began for me, and it changed everything about how I see him, our life, and what actually matters.
It's Here! Get the book – “Hi World, I’m Dad: How Fathers Can Journey to Autism Awareness, Acceptance, and Appreciation” on audio, digital, or print.
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Also, be sure to read the blog that started it all - Hi Blog! I'm Dad.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
James Guttman (00:00):
Hi Pod I'm Dad.
Folks, it's James Guttman.
It's High Pod I'm Dad.
Welcome back to another editionof the show.
You guys know me.
I host High Pod I'm Dad everyFriday.
I'm the dad behind Hiblog I'mDad.com.
Writing about autismappreciation, writing about
parenting since 2017.
This has been a big week for mein both respects.
(00:21):
My daughter picking hercollege.
And of course, as you guysknow, it is autism, and I
naturally in my head say autismappreciation month.
For my son, he's nonverbal.
He has profound autism, severeautism, whoever you want to term
it.
And it's funny because when Ioriginally started writing this
blog back in 2017, I wrote aboutboth my kids, but a lot of the
(00:44):
early ones are about mydaughter, and not necessarily
about my son, who was nonverbalthen.
He was, you know, God, like sixyears old.
Just he wasn't even six yet.
He was about a month away fromturning six.
And the reason I didn't writeabout Lucas so much early on is
I didn't get it.
I didn't understand a lot ofhow he acted.
I didn't have answers foranybody on anything, which was
(01:07):
always to me the biggest concernin the early days of autism
parenting for me.
And one of the things that whenI write, I try to remember for
the people who are reading this,listening to this.
The scariest part of having akid who's young with autism is
that you don't know why thingsare happening or what the future
is going to be like.
And everybody asks you thosequestions.
(01:29):
Why does he clap like that?
I don't know.
You know, does he like school?
Is he going to go tokindergarten?
I don't know.
I don't know any of theseanswers yet.
Every single day is another,you know, experience of finding
out where we are.
It's almost like waiting for apackage in the mail.
And for us, the package we werewaiting for in the mail was
language.
(01:50):
When is this kid gonna talk?
Because up until then, Lucashad done every single thing that
we were waiting for, albeit ata delayed rate, right?
So he didn't walk right away,but eventually he walked.
He didn't sit up right away,but eventually he sat up.
And these delays and theseconcerns, if you will, were
right from the beginning.
(02:11):
You know, my daughter was justshy of three years old when he
was born.
So we had just experienced whatmany would consider a textbook
level of milestone achievement,right?
And my daughter, in allhonesty, was advanced with that.
Like her milestones were quickand fast, and we were like, this
(02:31):
is the easiest, man.
Parenting, layup, we got it.
This is how you do it.
It's all us, man.
This kid is rolling overbecause I mean people would
congratulate us.
Oh, she's she's talking.
Congratulations.
Good job, Daddy.
Good job on the work you did.
Oh, cool.
Thanks.
I'm amazing.
I appreciate it.
And then when Lucas came alongand he wasn't doing these
(02:52):
things, nobody was like, What acrappy job you're doing.
Like, don't get me wrong, therewere definitely moments where I
felt terrible based on thereactions, you know.
I had one relative once, Iremember this to this day.
Ugh, it still makes me likeit's a hundred years ago.
Lucas wasn't talking, and itwas obvious.
(03:12):
And when you have a child thatdoesn't talk, especially at an
age when they should be talking,you deal with a lot of
different reactions, right?
You have some people who willoffer to cure your child all day
long.
You know, they'll turn around,you know, I had a I had a
neighbor, you have to give himthis, you know, elderberry root,
(03:33):
and you have to mix it withthese crystals, and then you
have to like put it on hisastrological sign and tattoo it
on his head.
I'm like, I'm not doing any ofthat.
He'll talk.
And then you have people whoare in denial when I'm not in
denial, right?
So I had a relative one timeask, or uh a distant relative
now, ask, what does he call hissister?
(03:54):
Does he call her Olivia?
Does he call her sissy?
And I'm like, first of all, hedoes not call her sissy.
And I said, I'm like, hedoesn't call her anything, he
doesn't speak yet.
And this relative, an olderrelative, picked up my son and
goes, Oh, daddy's silly.
You talk.
Yes, you do, you talk.
I've never wanted toclothesline somebody in my life,
(04:17):
just like attack.
I was like, Are you kidding me?
And it bothered me so muchbecause I wouldn't, if my son
said even half a word, I wouldbe like, he talks, he says half
a word.
I was so eager and so waitingfor it that to have somebody
else pretend like daddy's beingsilly because I'm admitting out
loud this painful thing thatwe're dealing with bothered me.
(04:39):
But that's what you deal withwhen you deal with people like
that.
So when the blog first cameout, I didn't write a lot about
him because I didn't have a lotto share other than we're
waiting for him to talk.
Hopefully soon.
So every day you're waiting forthat package to be delivered in
the mail, and it was speech.
So a lot of the early blogswere about pity, not wanting
pity, which to this day remainsone of my biggest issues.
(05:03):
Those of you guys who follow mewho have been on these blogs
forever, you guys know that notonly do I have Lucas, who is,
you know, nonverbal withprofound autism, that I know a
lot of people will see as one ofthose, oh, it's so hard for
you.
I got it.
I also had heart surgery at aquintuple bypass when I was 35.
It is as insane as it sounds.
It's a crazy story.
Uh, every December I talk aboutit.
That's when it happened.
(05:23):
It's, you know, I've writtenabout it, and I'll I'll go in
depth sometimes.
Major, major, major thing.
People go, oh, hard for you.
I went through a divorce.
I've had all these differentthings.
And I never want to be pitied.
I hate it.
I would rather you hear mystory, see who I am now, see the
work that I do, the way I seethe world, the ways I try to
(05:46):
help other people, and beinspired by the fact that I
could go through things and comeout of it the other side better
for it, which I have.
I'm you compare me now to mebefore Lucas was born, before my
surgery in 2012, I'm adifferent person, all for the
better.
I've had people who don't likeme tell me I'm better.
He's better, he's just adifferent person.
(06:07):
I know, I am, thank you.
That's by design.
And that was if I'm beinghonest with you guys, one of the
reasons why I've I've changedbecause of my son and because of
all these things that we'vedealt with, you don't know what
you can deal with until you dealwith it.
You don't know what you cansurvive until you survive it.
(06:28):
And I've known people whoeagerly anticipate breakdowns.
They get excited for it.
You know, oh, the next month isthe anniversary of something,
someone died or somethinghappened, and they proceed to
plan their breakdown.
You know, I'm gonna be a messthe third week of June, and
(06:49):
don't even talk to me becausethat's the day that like, dude,
if you're planning it, it's notreally real.
Like for me, my goal, and maybeI'm a different person, and
again, you do you, whatever youhave to do.
My goal in life is to not feelbad.
I don't want to feel bad,right?
I want to deal with reality anddeal with situations and handle
them as I can handle them.
And the reason why is when youfeel bad, I feel like it's
(07:09):
harder to focus, it's harder todeal with something, it's harder
to get yourself to the otherside of something.
And plus, and this is somethingfor my heart surgery, we're
we're all gonna die, right?
Spoiler alert, I hope I hopenone of you guys are surprised
by that, but we're all gonnadie, right?
So we're here for a limitedamount of time.
So feel bad and stress and dealwith the things that are
(07:33):
pertinent in that moment thatyou have to.
It's almost this emotion thatwe have to deal with, but it's
on a need to deal with basis.
It's not something that shouldbe eagerly, you know,
anticipated in your life.
It shouldn't be something thatyou plan out.
It's not a vacation, it's not atrip, it's it's misery.
So sometimes I have to dealwith something that's difficult
to deal with.
And I do.
And in that moment, we handleit.
(07:55):
It hurts sometimes, thedecisions are difficult.
And trust me, man, with a witha son like mine, with a future
that is still in many ways up inthe air, there are difficult
decisions that I deal with whenit comes to Lucas.
But every time I see my son, Idon't think like, oh my God, I
have all these difficultdecisions.
No, man, we have fun and welaugh and we play.
And he is literally like, youknow, and I have a lot of people
(08:17):
in my life, so I'll just sayhe's one of my favorite people
in the world.
Like, I love Lucas.
I love running over and hugginghim and squeezing him.
She's a happy boy who shows mea side of the world that I never
would have seen without him.
Nobody else experiences lifethe way Lucas experiences life,
and he allows me to be a part ofthat.
And that's why I appreciatehim.
(08:38):
So I don't look for misery, Idon't look for sad things.
So the early days of writingthis blog was focused on don't
pity us.
I don't want to be pitied.
And that was a big deal.
I hadn't yet appreciated hisautism because I still wasn't
sure what it looked like.
Again, he was five.
That was the age where Iaccepted that he had autism.
(09:01):
And I've written about this inmy book, High World, I'm dead.
Pick it up if you want.
It's there.
Um, available everywhere.
Digital, you know, I do a I douh an audiobook, all that stuff.
And I talk about it.
I talk about the idea that Iwasn't sure not only what autism
was going to mean for ourfamily, but I wasn't sure if he
(09:22):
had autism or was nonverbal.
I was aware of it when he wasyoung.
I noticed it, I saw it, sawwarning signs, as they say.
I accepted it somewhatbegrudgingly when I brought him
for a hearing test, and theytold me that he wasn't deaf, and
I was like, oh, damn it.
Which is one of the weirdest.
I didn't, I don't use thatbingo card line.
I didn't have that on my bingocard, but I definitely did not
(09:42):
have being disappointed that myson wasn't deaf on my bingo card
when he was born, but I was.
I was like, oh, guess he's he'snot deaf.
But the appreciation didn'tcome until after he was five,
after I told myself, this is theage where I accept and I know
that the chances of him one dayjust being like, hey dad, how
(10:03):
are you?
What are you doing?
Like that's that might nothappen.
And I gotta be honest, and I'vewritten about it before, and
people, I don't know, I clashwith people because they don't
really get it.
Things were so much easier whenI was able to finally say to
myself, this is what you have,this is your situation, this is
your son.
But nothing is waiting.
(10:25):
There's no package that's stillgonna be delivered to them.
It might still come, that'd begreat.
If it comes, fantastic.
I want him to talk, I don'tneed him to talk.
And I say that to this day.
And once I was able to do that,I was able to look at him not
as someone who was strugglingand somebody we were still
waiting for the complete versionof.
This is the complete version ofLucas.
This is who he is.
(10:46):
And once I did that, I was ableto look at the beauty and the
wonderful things that he broughtto my life, the things that he
brought to our family, the wayhe saw the world.
And that's where autismappreciation came from for me.
And a lot of parents who aregoing through this in the early
days, I know, I know thatfeeling, I know that worry.
(11:08):
Um, and it's so complicated.
You worry if it's somethingthat you're responsible for, I
would blame myself.
I brought this kid into theworld, and now potentially he
has such a difficult life aheadof him.
I don't even know what it is.
I'm to blame.
I dealt with that.
There's that pain.
There's the worry, and here'sthe crazy one.
(11:29):
Before Lucas was, you know,officially nonverbal or um
definitely in have autism, Iwould be upset about it.
And then I would be upset withmyself for being upset about it.
Because I was like, well, if hereally does, like, what does
that say about you that you'reupset that he has it?
It was like a circle ofself-deprecating guilt where I
(11:52):
was constantly looking at my ownrole in this.
And I can tell you now, tenyears later, 10 years of writing
this blog, February of nextyear will be 10 years.
I have never been more, I don'tknow, surprised is the right
word, maybe, more surprised bymy life and how this thing has
(12:15):
affected us than I am now.
Right?
Like I never, if I could goback in time, and I've said this
before, go back in time to, youknow, 2016, 2014, and I say to
myself, you know, hey, I'mcoming from the future.
I'm from 2026, don't ask aboutpolitics.
Um, and I told myself, I cananswer anything you want.
(12:39):
The questions that I would askmyself then to now would be does
Lucas talk?
Um, does he have this lifeskill?
Is he able to do this, do that?
And all of my answers, hand tohand to my heart, are not good
for myself back then.
No, he doesn't.
No, he doesn't.
No, he doesn't.
All of these things that I hadon a checklist in my brain 10
years ago, he needs to do thisfor me to be happy, he needs to
(13:02):
do that for me to be happy, forus to be good, for us to be
great, for him to be okay.
This checklist that I had islargely unchecked, and our lives
are amazing, right?
Is there heartache to come?
Sure.
There's difficulty for anyparent with a kid.
If you have a kid who'sneurotypical, and that's another
(13:22):
thing, too, that I think helpsas the kids get older, too.
When when you have a childwho's three and four, everyone's
kind of on the same playingfield, right?
Like we have babies when ourfriends have babies.
And you exchange stories, youknow, oh, he talked today.
Oh, my kid talked today, too.
Oh, you kid to his first step.
Oh, my kid took his firststeps.
We went to the Wiggles concert.
We did, and all of these thingsare happy-go-lucky parenting
(13:45):
moments.
It's not until your kids startgetting older that troubles
start to arise, even if your kiddoesn't have, you know, autism
or downstream or some sort oflike considered ailment.
And I'm doing finger quotes inthe air, disability, whatever it
is.
As you get older, suddenlythings start to happen.
Oh, he's acting up in school,or oh, bad grades, or oh, you
(14:06):
know, now you know kids areteenagers, you get doing drugs,
drinking.
And suddenly everybody else isnot having this idyllic life
that you assume they're havingas you're struggling with your
young child that you can'tanswer questions for.
And suddenly now I go out withmy son, and if uh another kid
might be causing their parentstrouble, oh, this kid gives me
(14:28):
all this heart, he keepscrashing the car, he keeps, you
know, getting into fights withcops, and I've got Lucas next to
me.
And Lucas might require me towatch him a little bit more,
deal with him more, but he'shugging me, he's kissing me,
he's he holds my hand as we walkdown the street.
It's I'm very lucky and I'mvery fortunate to have such a
loving and um pure soul in mylife.
(14:50):
I don't feel as needed withanybody.
And I never have, and I neverwill, as I do with Lucas.
Lucas needs me.
Lucas needs me not only to takecare of him, he needs me to
help make decisions for him, heneeds me to, in some ways,
regulate his mood and like knowI anticipate what he needs.
(15:12):
I'm somebody that he knows hecan go to, and he doesn't need
words to get the things that hewants.
And to me, that makes a hugedifference in his behavior.
There's no meltdowns, there'sthere's no I would get the
feeling that early on when hewould have these meltdowns, that
he didn't know for sure if Iknew what he wanted.
(15:34):
And I've written about this,I've talked about this, and it
required so much.
It required to show him, Lucas,I know you want food.
Look, it's cooking, and youbring him over to the stove.
It took a lot early on to showhim, I get you, I get what you
want, and it's coming.
And now we're at the pointwhere we have this rhythm where
he doesn't necessarily need meto show him the oven anymore in
(15:55):
order to accept that I'm cookingfor him.
I just go, I'm cooking, go.
And he knows that if he asksfor something and I send him to
go wait for it, I'm not sendinghim away to never eat again.
I'm sending him away and it'llbe here soon.
And that means the world to me.
And that's that's a big part ofthe role he plays in my life
and the role that autism hasended up playing in, you know,
(16:17):
the life of my family.
And this is something that 10years ago I couldn't answer.
And that's why it took 10 yearsto not fully 10 years, but like
now we have autismappreciation.
Whereas in the beginning, andthat's one of the things I love
about having this blog for solong and having you guys listen
and read it, you've grown withme and you've seen the way
autism uh has affected ourfamily in real time, page by
(16:38):
page by page by page, article byarticle by article.
And there's no way to go backin time and read that timeline
of thousands of posts that we'vedone for the last decade and
not have a sense of appreciationfor autism yourself.
It might not be the best thing,and I know I've heard from
other parents that they argue,my kid does okay, that's your
(16:59):
kid, man.
I get it, I know.
Maybe you don't appreciate it,maybe it's different for you.
But this is the story of howautism has affected us.
And every family, it'sindividual.
And before you think it's anautism thing, parenting is
affected differently indifferent houses, too.
Somebody can have, you know,two boys and a girl, you have
two boys and a girl, and youhave a very different life.
It's never the same.
(17:19):
So, same thing with autism.
My son has autism, severe,profound autism, however you put
it, nonverbal.
This is how it affects us, andI love him for it.
You might have the exact samesetup and hate it.
I don't know.
I'm just telling you our story,and that's all I've ever been
able to do.
And over the last 10 years, toread who he is and how he's
developed and the things thatwe've learned and these
struggles that we had andarticles about things that he
(17:42):
doesn't even do anymore.
He doesn't run anymore, hedoesn't uh steal food
necessarily from people all thetime anymore.
All those things are gone.
But I wrote about handling themand dealing with them, how he
did it, haircuts, things likethat.
Yeah, man, my son is one of akind.
I love him so much, and that'swhy this month, April, every
(18:02):
month I want people to do ittoo.
Just appreciate, appreciatepeople like him.
In the very least, right?
And this is the one thing thatI've always thought is across
every spectrum.
I've talked about it with whenI was peered on Jubilee, and I
was on this panel withhigh-functioning people on the
spectrum.
And one thing I notice withthem, with my son, uh, even as
(18:23):
he's considered low-functioningby many, it's a sense of
honesty, a sense of purity whenit comes to their emotions.
Lucas smiles when he's happy.
Lucas cries when he's sad.
Lucas doesn't pretend.
Lucas can't fake a smile.
Lucas doesn't gas you up orjust try to make you feel better
to get something.
He is the most honest and realperson I've ever met.
(18:46):
There's no one with less of atrue filter than my son.
His emotions burn brighter.
Um, and he reminds me every dayto be alive, and I love him for
it.
And hopefully, it's helped youguys too, man.
It's April.
So uh, if you get a chance, goback to some of the old ones.
The blog, all the archives areup there.
You can read every single oldpost and you can get an idea of
(19:08):
what it means for different timeperiods and what you go
through.
But in the end, yeah, man,there's no one that I appreciate
the way I appreciate Lucas.
And I'm so lucky uh to be ableto share him with you.
So thank you.
That does it for me, guys.
I'm gonna be back Monday with abrand new blog.
I'll be back next Friday uhwith a new edition of the
podcast.
Do me a favor too, follow me onsocial media.
(19:29):
Hi, James Gutman.
It's on Instagram, TikTok.
TikTok is great.
We're doing great over theretoo.
Uh, post little videos relatedto these podcasts.
Um, but also every everyweekend I post a quote on
Instagram and Facebook.
Hi, James Gutman, H I JamesGutman.
That's how you find me.
Uh, and I'm everywhere.
Also, if you want a speaker,I'm doing some speaking events,
I'm doing some lined up for uhApril and for uh going into the
(19:52):
summer, whether you're a specialeducation PTA offices, uh, if
you want me to come kind ofexplain some of this in person.
I love it.
I love talking about Lucas.
There's nothing I love more.
We have a link to that on theblog's main page, and that does
it for me.
Until next time, this is JamesGutman saying, be well.
Byepod.
I'm dad.
Hi Pod I'm Dad.
Folks, it's James Guttman.
It's High Pod I'm Dad.
Welcome back to another editionof the show.
You guys know me.
I host High Pod I'm Dad everyFriday.
I'm the dad behind Hiblog I'mDad.com.
Writing about autismappreciation, writing about
parenting since 2017.
This has been a big week for mein both respects.
(00:21):
My daughter picking hercollege.
And of course, as you guysknow, it is autism, and I
naturally in my head say autismappreciation month.
For my son, he's nonverbal.
He has profound autism, severeautism, whoever you want to term
it.
And it's funny because when Ioriginally started writing this
blog back in 2017, I wrote aboutboth my kids, but a lot of the
(00:44):
early ones are about mydaughter, and not necessarily
about my son, who was nonverbalthen.
He was, you know, God, like sixyears old.
Just he wasn't even six yet.
He was about a month away fromturning six.
And the reason I didn't writeabout Lucas so much early on is
I didn't get it.
I didn't understand a lot ofhow he acted.
I didn't have answers foranybody on anything, which was
(01:07):
always to me the biggest concernin the early days of autism
parenting for me.
And one of the things that whenI write, I try to remember for
the people who are reading this,listening to this.
The scariest part of having akid who's young with autism is
that you don't know why thingsare happening or what the future
is going to be like.
And everybody asks you thosequestions.
(01:29):
Why does he clap like that?
I don't know.
You know, does he like school?
Is he going to go tokindergarten?
I don't know.
I don't know any of theseanswers yet.
Every single day is another,you know, experience of finding
out where we are.
It's almost like waiting for apackage in the mail.
And for us, the package we werewaiting for in the mail was
language.
(01:50):
When is this kid gonna talk?
Because up until then, Lucashad done every single thing that
we were waiting for, albeit ata delayed rate, right?
So he didn't walk right away,but eventually he walked.
He didn't sit up right away,but eventually he sat up.
And these delays and theseconcerns, if you will, were
right from the beginning.
(02:11):
You know, my daughter was justshy of three years old when he
was born.
So we had just experienced whatmany would consider a textbook
level of milestone achievement,right?
And my daughter, in allhonesty, was advanced with that.
Like her milestones were quickand fast, and we were like, this
(02:31):
is the easiest, man.
Parenting, layup, we got it.
This is how you do it.
It's all us, man.
This kid is rolling overbecause I mean people would
congratulate us.
Oh, she's she's talking.
Congratulations.
Good job, Daddy.
Good job on the work you did.
Oh, cool.
Thanks.
I'm amazing.
I appreciate it.
And then when Lucas came alongand he wasn't doing these
(02:52):
things, nobody was like, What acrappy job you're doing.
Like, don't get me wrong, therewere definitely moments where I
felt terrible based on thereactions, you know.
I had one relative once, Iremember this to this day.
Ugh, it still makes me likeit's a hundred years ago.
Lucas wasn't talking, and itwas obvious.
(03:12):
And when you have a child thatdoesn't talk, especially at an
age when they should be talking,you deal with a lot of
different reactions, right?
You have some people who willoffer to cure your child all day
long.
You know, they'll turn around,you know, I had a I had a
neighbor, you have to give himthis, you know, elderberry root,
(03:33):
and you have to mix it withthese crystals, and then you
have to like put it on hisastrological sign and tattoo it
on his head.
I'm like, I'm not doing any ofthat.
He'll talk.
And then you have people whoare in denial when I'm not in
denial, right?
So I had a relative one timeask, or uh a distant relative
now, ask, what does he call hissister?
(03:54):
Does he call her Olivia?
Does he call her sissy?
And I'm like, first of all, hedoes not call her sissy.
And I said, I'm like, hedoesn't call her anything, he
doesn't speak yet.
And this relative, an olderrelative, picked up my son and
goes, Oh, daddy's silly.
You talk.
Yes, you do, you talk.
I've never wanted toclothesline somebody in my life,
(04:17):
just like attack.
I was like, Are you kidding me?
And it bothered me so muchbecause I wouldn't, if my son
said even half a word, I wouldbe like, he talks, he says half
a word.
I was so eager and so waitingfor it that to have somebody
else pretend like daddy's beingsilly because I'm admitting out
loud this painful thing thatwe're dealing with bothered me.
(04:39):
But that's what you deal withwhen you deal with people like
that.
So when the blog first cameout, I didn't write a lot about
him because I didn't have a lotto share other than we're
waiting for him to talk.
Hopefully soon.
So every day you're waiting forthat package to be delivered in
the mail, and it was speech.
So a lot of the early blogswere about pity, not wanting
pity, which to this day remainsone of my biggest issues.
(05:03):
Those of you guys who follow mewho have been on these blogs
forever, you guys know that notonly do I have Lucas, who is,
you know, nonverbal withprofound autism, that I know a
lot of people will see as one ofthose, oh, it's so hard for
you.
I got it.
I also had heart surgery at aquintuple bypass when I was 35.
It is as insane as it sounds.
It's a crazy story.
Uh, every December I talk aboutit.
That's when it happened.
(05:23):
It's, you know, I've writtenabout it, and I'll I'll go in
depth sometimes.
Major, major, major thing.
People go, oh, hard for you.
I went through a divorce.
I've had all these differentthings.
And I never want to be pitied.
I hate it.
I would rather you hear mystory, see who I am now, see the
work that I do, the way I seethe world, the ways I try to
(05:46):
help other people, and beinspired by the fact that I
could go through things and comeout of it the other side better
for it, which I have.
I'm you compare me now to mebefore Lucas was born, before my
surgery in 2012, I'm adifferent person, all for the
better.
I've had people who don't likeme tell me I'm better.
He's better, he's just adifferent person.
(06:07):
I know, I am, thank you.
That's by design.
And that was if I'm beinghonest with you guys, one of the
reasons why I've I've changedbecause of my son and because of
all these things that we'vedealt with, you don't know what
you can deal with until you dealwith it.
You don't know what you cansurvive until you survive it.
(06:28):
And I've known people whoeagerly anticipate breakdowns.
They get excited for it.
You know, oh, the next month isthe anniversary of something,
someone died or somethinghappened, and they proceed to
plan their breakdown.
You know, I'm gonna be a messthe third week of June, and
(06:49):
don't even talk to me becausethat's the day that like, dude,
if you're planning it, it's notreally real.
Like for me, my goal, and maybeI'm a different person, and
again, you do you, whatever youhave to do.
My goal in life is to not feelbad.
I don't want to feel bad,right?
I want to deal with reality anddeal with situations and handle
them as I can handle them.
And the reason why is when youfeel bad, I feel like it's
(07:09):
harder to focus, it's harder todeal with something, it's harder
to get yourself to the otherside of something.
And plus, and this is somethingfor my heart surgery, we're
we're all gonna die, right?
Spoiler alert, I hope I hopenone of you guys are surprised
by that, but we're all gonnadie, right?
So we're here for a limitedamount of time.
So feel bad and stress and dealwith the things that are
(07:33):
pertinent in that moment thatyou have to.
It's almost this emotion thatwe have to deal with, but it's
on a need to deal with basis.
It's not something that shouldbe eagerly, you know,
anticipated in your life.
It shouldn't be something thatyou plan out.
It's not a vacation, it's not atrip, it's it's misery.
So sometimes I have to dealwith something that's difficult
to deal with.
And I do.
And in that moment, we handleit.
(07:55):
It hurts sometimes, thedecisions are difficult.
And trust me, man, with a witha son like mine, with a future
that is still in many ways up inthe air, there are difficult
decisions that I deal with whenit comes to Lucas.
But every time I see my son, Idon't think like, oh my God, I
have all these difficultdecisions.
No, man, we have fun and welaugh and we play.
And he is literally like, youknow, and I have a lot of people
(08:17):
in my life, so I'll just sayhe's one of my favorite people
in the world.
Like, I love Lucas.
I love running over and hugginghim and squeezing him.
She's a happy boy who shows mea side of the world that I never
would have seen without him.
Nobody else experiences lifethe way Lucas experiences life,
and he allows me to be a part ofthat.
And that's why I appreciatehim.
(08:38):
So I don't look for misery, Idon't look for sad things.
So the early days of writingthis blog was focused on don't
pity us.
I don't want to be pitied.
And that was a big deal.
I hadn't yet appreciated hisautism because I still wasn't
sure what it looked like.
Again, he was five.
That was the age where Iaccepted that he had autism.
(09:01):
And I've written about this inmy book, High World, I'm dead.
Pick it up if you want.
It's there.
Um, available everywhere.
Digital, you know, I do a I douh an audiobook, all that stuff.
And I talk about it.
I talk about the idea that Iwasn't sure not only what autism
was going to mean for ourfamily, but I wasn't sure if he
(09:22):
had autism or was nonverbal.
I was aware of it when he wasyoung.
I noticed it, I saw it, sawwarning signs, as they say.
I accepted it somewhatbegrudgingly when I brought him
for a hearing test, and theytold me that he wasn't deaf, and
I was like, oh, damn it.
Which is one of the weirdest.
I didn't, I don't use thatbingo card line.
I didn't have that on my bingocard, but I definitely did not
(09:42):
have being disappointed that myson wasn't deaf on my bingo card
when he was born, but I was.
I was like, oh, guess he's he'snot deaf.
But the appreciation didn'tcome until after he was five,
after I told myself, this is theage where I accept and I know
that the chances of him one dayjust being like, hey dad, how
(10:03):
are you?
What are you doing?
Like that's that might nothappen.
And I gotta be honest, and I'vewritten about it before, and
people, I don't know, I clashwith people because they don't
really get it.
Things were so much easier whenI was able to finally say to
myself, this is what you have,this is your situation, this is
your son.
But nothing is waiting.
(10:25):
There's no package that's stillgonna be delivered to them.
It might still come, that'd begreat.
If it comes, fantastic.
I want him to talk, I don'tneed him to talk.
And I say that to this day.
And once I was able to do that,I was able to look at him not
as someone who was strugglingand somebody we were still
waiting for the complete versionof.
This is the complete version ofLucas.
This is who he is.
(10:46):
And once I did that, I was ableto look at the beauty and the
wonderful things that he broughtto my life, the things that he
brought to our family, the wayhe saw the world.
And that's where autismappreciation came from for me.
And a lot of parents who aregoing through this in the early
days, I know, I know thatfeeling, I know that worry.
(11:08):
Um, and it's so complicated.
You worry if it's somethingthat you're responsible for, I
would blame myself.
I brought this kid into theworld, and now potentially he
has such a difficult life aheadof him.
I don't even know what it is.
I'm to blame.
I dealt with that.
There's that pain.
There's the worry, and here'sthe crazy one.
(11:29):
Before Lucas was, you know,officially nonverbal or um
definitely in have autism, Iwould be upset about it.
And then I would be upset withmyself for being upset about it.
Because I was like, well, if hereally does, like, what does
that say about you that you'reupset that he has it?
It was like a circle ofself-deprecating guilt where I
(11:52):
was constantly looking at my ownrole in this.
And I can tell you now, tenyears later, 10 years of writing
this blog, February of nextyear will be 10 years.
I have never been more, I don'tknow, surprised is the right
word, maybe, more surprised bymy life and how this thing has
(12:15):
affected us than I am now.
Right?
Like I never, if I could goback in time, and I've said this
before, go back in time to, youknow, 2016, 2014, and I say to
myself, you know, hey, I'mcoming from the future.
I'm from 2026, don't ask aboutpolitics.
Um, and I told myself, I cananswer anything you want.
(12:39):
The questions that I would askmyself then to now would be does
Lucas talk?
Um, does he have this lifeskill?
Is he able to do this, do that?
And all of my answers, hand tohand to my heart, are not good
for myself back then.
No, he doesn't.
No, he doesn't.
No, he doesn't.
All of these things that I hadon a checklist in my brain 10
years ago, he needs to do thisfor me to be happy, he needs to
(13:02):
do that for me to be happy, forus to be good, for us to be
great, for him to be okay.
This checklist that I had islargely unchecked, and our lives
are amazing, right?
Is there heartache to come?
Sure.
There's difficulty for anyparent with a kid.
If you have a kid who'sneurotypical, and that's another
(13:22):
thing, too, that I think helpsas the kids get older, too.
When when you have a childwho's three and four, everyone's
kind of on the same playingfield, right?
Like we have babies when ourfriends have babies.
And you exchange stories, youknow, oh, he talked today.
Oh, my kid talked today, too.
Oh, you kid to his first step.
Oh, my kid took his firststeps.
We went to the Wiggles concert.
We did, and all of these thingsare happy-go-lucky parenting
(13:45):
moments.
It's not until your kids startgetting older that troubles
start to arise, even if your kiddoesn't have, you know, autism
or downstream or some sort oflike considered ailment.
And I'm doing finger quotes inthe air, disability, whatever it
is.
As you get older, suddenlythings start to happen.
Oh, he's acting up in school,or oh, bad grades, or oh, you
(14:06):
know, now you know kids areteenagers, you get doing drugs,
drinking.
And suddenly everybody else isnot having this idyllic life
that you assume they're havingas you're struggling with your
young child that you can'tanswer questions for.
And suddenly now I go out withmy son, and if uh another kid
might be causing their parentstrouble, oh, this kid gives me
(14:28):
all this heart, he keepscrashing the car, he keeps, you
know, getting into fights withcops, and I've got Lucas next to
me.
And Lucas might require me towatch him a little bit more,
deal with him more, but he'shugging me, he's kissing me,
he's he holds my hand as we walkdown the street.
It's I'm very lucky and I'mvery fortunate to have such a
loving and um pure soul in mylife.
(14:50):
I don't feel as needed withanybody.
And I never have, and I neverwill, as I do with Lucas.
Lucas needs me.
Lucas needs me not only to takecare of him, he needs me to
help make decisions for him, heneeds me to, in some ways,
regulate his mood and like knowI anticipate what he needs.
(15:12):
I'm somebody that he knows hecan go to, and he doesn't need
words to get the things that hewants.
And to me, that makes a hugedifference in his behavior.
There's no meltdowns, there'sthere's no I would get the
feeling that early on when hewould have these meltdowns, that
he didn't know for sure if Iknew what he wanted.
(15:34):
And I've written about this,I've talked about this, and it
required so much.
It required to show him, Lucas,I know you want food.
Look, it's cooking, and youbring him over to the stove.
It took a lot early on to showhim, I get you, I get what you
want, and it's coming.
And now we're at the pointwhere we have this rhythm where
he doesn't necessarily need meto show him the oven anymore in
(15:55):
order to accept that I'm cookingfor him.
I just go, I'm cooking, go.
And he knows that if he asksfor something and I send him to
go wait for it, I'm not sendinghim away to never eat again.
I'm sending him away and it'llbe here soon.
And that means the world to me.
And that's that's a big part ofthe role he plays in my life
and the role that autism hasended up playing in, you know,
(16:17):
the life of my family.
And this is something that 10years ago I couldn't answer.
And that's why it took 10 yearsto not fully 10 years, but like
now we have autismappreciation.
Whereas in the beginning, andthat's one of the things I love
about having this blog for solong and having you guys listen
and read it, you've grown withme and you've seen the way
autism uh has affected ourfamily in real time, page by
(16:38):
page by page by page, article byarticle by article.
And there's no way to go backin time and read that timeline
of thousands of posts that we'vedone for the last decade and
not have a sense of appreciationfor autism yourself.
It might not be the best thing,and I know I've heard from
other parents that they argue,my kid does okay, that's your
(16:59):
kid, man.
I get it, I know.
Maybe you don't appreciate it,maybe it's different for you.
But this is the story of howautism has affected us.
And every family, it'sindividual.
And before you think it's anautism thing, parenting is
affected differently indifferent houses, too.
Somebody can have, you know,two boys and a girl, you have
two boys and a girl, and youhave a very different life.
It's never the same.
(17:19):
So, same thing with autism.
My son has autism, severe,profound autism, however you put
it, nonverbal.
This is how it affects us, andI love him for it.
You might have the exact samesetup and hate it.
I don't know.
I'm just telling you our story,and that's all I've ever been
able to do.
And over the last 10 years, toread who he is and how he's
developed and the things thatwe've learned and these
struggles that we had andarticles about things that he
(17:42):
doesn't even do anymore.
He doesn't run anymore, hedoesn't uh steal food
necessarily from people all thetime anymore.
All those things are gone.
But I wrote about handling themand dealing with them, how he
did it, haircuts, things likethat.
Yeah, man, my son is one of akind.
I love him so much, and that'swhy this month, April, every
(18:02):
month I want people to do ittoo.
Just appreciate, appreciatepeople like him.
In the very least, right?
And this is the one thing thatI've always thought is across
every spectrum.
I've talked about it with whenI was peered on Jubilee, and I
was on this panel withhigh-functioning people on the
spectrum.
And one thing I notice withthem, with my son, uh, even as
(18:23):
he's considered low-functioningby many, it's a sense of
honesty, a sense of purity whenit comes to their emotions.
Lucas smiles when he's happy.
Lucas cries when he's sad.
Lucas doesn't pretend.
Lucas can't fake a smile.
Lucas doesn't gas you up orjust try to make you feel better
to get something.
He is the most honest and realperson I've ever met.
(18:46):
There's no one with less of atrue filter than my son.
His emotions burn brighter.
Um, and he reminds me every dayto be alive, and I love him for
it.
And hopefully, it's helped youguys too, man.
It's April.
So uh, if you get a chance, goback to some of the old ones.
The blog, all the archives areup there.
You can read every single oldpost and you can get an idea of
(19:08):
what it means for different timeperiods and what you go
through.
But in the end, yeah, man,there's no one that I appreciate
the way I appreciate Lucas.
And I'm so lucky uh to be ableto share him with you.
So thank you.
That does it for me, guys.
I'm gonna be back Monday with abrand new blog.
I'll be back next Friday uhwith a new edition of the
podcast.
Do me a favor too, follow me onsocial media.
(19:29):
Hi, James Gutman.
It's on Instagram, TikTok.
TikTok is great.
We're doing great over theretoo.
Uh, post little videos relatedto these podcasts.
Um, but also every everyweekend I post a quote on
Instagram and Facebook.
Hi, James Gutman, H I JamesGutman.
That's how you find me.
Uh, and I'm everywhere.
Also, if you want a speaker,I'm doing some speaking events,
I'm doing some lined up for uhApril and for uh going into the
(19:52):
summer, whether you're a specialeducation PTA offices, uh, if
you want me to come kind ofexplain some of this in person.
I love it.
I love talking about Lucas.
There's nothing I love more.
We have a link to that on theblog's main page, and that does
it for me.
Until next time, this is JamesGutman saying, be well.
Byepod.
I'm dad.
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