December 12, 2025 • 21 mins
What started as a walk to urgent care ended with the words, ‘you’re having a heart attack,’ and a truth I never saw coming. An angiogram gone silent, and five blocked arteries that shouldn’t have let me stand. Then the doctor’s words about my eventual fate - “that was going to be you” - became the line that split my life in two. That surgery didn’t just save me. It became the compass I’ve followed ever since.
In this episode, I talk about what changed after that day: eating with intention, moving with purpose, and communicating without yelling, gaslighting, or going to emotional war. That shift carried into fatherhood too. I stopped worrying about who my son might become and started appreciating the boy right in front of me.
There’s also the peace part and the ongoing lessons that continue to this day. The boundaries I drew, the twisted people I sent to the “cornfield,” and the stress I finally stopped confusing with responsibility. This is a conversation about survival, yes, but more than that, it’s about design. How you design your days, your circle, and your energy when you realize you don’t get unlimited minutes.
It's Here! Get the book – “Hi World, I’m Dad: How Fathers Can Journey to Autism Awareness, Acceptance, and Appreciation” on audio, digital, or print.
Follow Us On TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.
Also, be sure to read the blog that started it all - Hi Blog! I'm Dad.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
James Guttman (00:51):
Hello, Pod.
It is James Guttman.
It is Friday.
It is December 12th.
It is 2025.
Thank you so much for joiningme here on the podcast.
Wherever you found me, Iappreciate it.
Uh, Audible, you know, thewhole Spotify.
We go through this.
it's been a sickly December,right?
Like everyone's sick.
(01:12):
I don't feel well.
I feel better.
I will tell you this.
About a week ago, I'm like, oh,I'm this is it.
This is how I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna die from the weather.
But I am better.
This is actually the secondtime I'm recording this audio
because the last time I did it,I sounded like Barry White.
I'm like, hey everybody, let'stalk about autism.
I don't want to do that.
So I figured we come on here,we'll talk a little bit about a
(01:34):
topic that's important today andthis week for me.
Um, if you guys follow me onsocial media,@Hi James Guttman,
H I James Guttman on TikTok andInstagram and all that stuff.
I posted a video talking aboutmy scar.
And for those of you guys whodon't know, the backstory, I had
a quintuple bypass when I was35 years old.
(01:57):
And the date that that happenedwas December 13th.
So tomorrow marks 13 yearssince I had a quintuple bypass.
Now, it's a big deal.
People hear they go, oh my god,and it is a big deal.
But we have to understand tooabout this surgery, this crazy
um in my head, actually, upuntil it happened, this was the
(02:19):
craziest surgery I could evenimagine.
I had zero time to prepare forthis.
This isn't the kind of thingwhere I went to the doctor and
they told me, like, you know,we're gonna have to bring you in
for bypass surgery.
No, this was boom, boom, boom.
That day I had written anarticle about different strokes
for world wrestling insanity,which was my old life.
(02:40):
It was my uh my website aboutwrestling and pop culture.
And literally within fourhours, I was being prepped for
the biggest surgery of my life.
The first surgery of my life,that's another thing we should
probably mention.
I had never gotten any othersurgery, no tonsils, no uh, you
know, I had broke a bone, theyjust put a cast on it, nobody
(03:02):
had to cut me open.
I had no time to prep for thismentally.
I didn't get to Google nothing.
So, what had happened was I hadbeen having heart attacks and
didn't even realize it.
And I do mention before I saidhi, James Guttman on social
media because this morning Iposted a video talking about my
scar from this surgery.
(03:22):
I forgot to mention that.
And what's important to know isthat that day was the last of
what had been a series of heartattacks that I had been having
for years and not even knowingwhat they were.
And the reason I didn't knowwhat they were was because I
kept getting better within like10, 15 minutes.
I would be out of breath.
(03:43):
I'd be like, oh my God, whatthe heck?
I get all hot.
And even now it's funny becauseto talk about it, my brain kind
of flashes back and I rememberit.
I remember that feeling, Iremember how it would be.
But it would go away, and youthink, oh, that's that's good,
that's fine.
In fact, that day that's whathappened.
So I had I had this heartattack.
I had hung up the phone withpeople I would never speak to
(04:04):
again.
We'll get into that.
And at the time, my wife at thetime was home, and my son,
Lucas, who now is 14 and thestar of the show for all of you
guys who follow, uh, was a baby.
He was a really cute baby, andhe was in his crib.
She's like, Look, you're I'mhome.
You're home.
Let's just go walk to thewalk-in center, which I guess
(04:27):
maybe that's where they gettheir name from.
So I literally walked next doorto this urgent care and they
rushed me in because they knewimmediately.
They were like, We saw you andwe knew that something wasn't
right.
But still, I was expectingyou're dehydrated or you need to
move around more, or you don'thow's your sleep?
I expected something simple.
I didn't expect you arecurrently having a heart attack.
(04:48):
We're sending you to thehospital, and that's what
happened.
So they send me to the firsthospital here out here on Long
Island.
Um, and I'll name them.
I'll name them Good SamaritanHospital that wanted to send me
home because they no longer sawanything on the chart that
showed me that I was having aheart attack.
And they tried to explain it tome like a five-year-old.
Well, see, there's things onthe chart, there's these bad
(05:10):
things that are usually there ifyou had and they're not on
there for you.
So I we don't think it's aheart attack.
I said, I don't care what youthink, I'm not leaving until you
tell me for sure.
And even the paramedics whobrought me, like, we're not
gonna bring him back.
Like they sent us here.
I went in, and this is the partof the story where you know, a
guy I know was one of thetechnicians, and he was like,
Hey, James Guttman, and I'mlaying there, you know, with
(05:32):
everything out for everyone tosee.
I was like, Oh my god, hey, howare you?
We're talking, and he'sintroducing me to everybody.
Oh, I knew this guy in highschool.
We gotta get we're all laughingand joking, and then everyone
stops laughing.
During the angi, it's anangiogram that I'm having.
It's one of the only times thatthey can really see inside to
see how your you know yourarteries are.
(05:53):
And the doctor was like, No,James, you have substantial
blockage.
I whenever I quote this story,I almost quote it word for word
because these are the kind ofwords that don't leave.
He was like, You havesubstantial blockage in all your
arteries.
And he starts showing me he'slike 80%, 70%, 90%.
That even how I was walkingaround, it didn't make any
sense.
And then he said the thing thatstuck with me that changed
(06:13):
everything.
He goes, You know those guysthat walk around totally healthy
and then drop dead at 40 of aheart attack, that was gonna be
you.
I was 35.
I was five years away fromdropping dead of a heart attack.
I had gone to the doctor, I hadgotten clean bills of health,
EKGs, way to go, pats on theback, and here I was on death's
(06:33):
door.
The whole ride to the nexthospital, I thought I was dead.
They sent me to anotherhospital for the surgery.
Knock on that, thank God.
And um, I thought I was dead.
I don't mean I thought I wasdead like I would be dead.
I mean I thought I wascurrently dead.
And the reason why was that um,you know, again, my I'm no
longer married, but my wife atthe time couldn't get to the
(06:55):
hospital.
She had to get somebody towatch the kids, no one could
watch the kids.
So I didn't see anybody I knewfrom Good Samaritan Hospital
until I went to my surgery atSt.
Francis.
And me, my brain, I createnarratives, I overthink
everything.
I was like, oh, I'm dead.
This is like the eternalwaiting area in between this
(07:17):
little room I'm in.
This is what happens when yougo to the other side.
I really was convinced I wasdead.
And who knows, man?
Maybe I was, maybe there's amillion timelines where I just
like killed over that day.
But I went in, I remembergetting wheeled down the
hallway, looking in one of thosebig round mirrors in the
corner, seeing my head with thestupid little shower cap on.
(07:39):
And then, and it's crazybecause I don't remember exactly
when I, you know, went under,but I do remember the doors
opening and like the room beingjust very white and very well
lit.
But I could just be, you know,imagining it from TV shows
because it seems like inhindsight, like one of those
like six feet under, kind of thedoors open, the light flashes
(08:01):
it on you.
Now, all that's the story ofthe surgery.
And what's funny is that thismajor surgery, this
life-changing thing, this scarthat was left on my chest, this
tattoo that I got on my chest toremind me of the date and the
time and all this stuff, that'sjust really just the start of
the story, you know?
It's that old free, that oldsaying, I don't know if it was
(08:22):
Hemingway, Churchill, maybe Idon't know who it was.
I I know it is Jake the SnakeRoberts, because that's that's
where I had to quote from.
And it said, This is not theend, this is not the beginning,
this is not even the beginningof the end.
It is the end of the beginning.
And that that surge it was theend of the beginning.
Um it was the moment thatchanged who I was.
(08:43):
For the first time ever, I gotto see death not as an
intangible, I saw it as areality.
And I know you're listening tothis and thinking, well, we all
know that.
We're all gonna die.
Everybody walks around sayingthat I know I'll die one day.
You do and you don't.
You know you'll die one day,but that one day in your head is
like a million years away.
You're an old man or an oldwoman, and you're in some
(09:04):
futuristic spaceship.
No, it could happen in fiveminutes.
It could happen right now.
I might not get to the end ofthe sentence before you're like,
you're gone.
And that day reminded me ofthat.
You could be writing aboutdifferent strokes at 3 p.m.
and on your way to possiblydying at seven.
It's crazy.
That's a reality.
(09:25):
And it made me realize how muchtime I wasted worrying about
nonsense, how much time I wastedbeing frustrated.
Because I was told when I leftthat hospital I didn't have to
do anything.
Well, this is all genetic, iswhat they said to me.
It's all genetic.
You don't have to changeanything.
I said, Well, what if I changemy diet?
Well, you can.
I know I can.
I'm a human being.
(09:45):
Like, what will it stave itoff?
Like, if I'm if I really havethis genetic condition that I'm
predisposed to, like if I eatbetter and exercise more and
keep a healthier, you know,mindset, will it help?
Like, yeah.
Well, then why wouldn't I dothat?
So I did that.
Usually when I tell this story,I talk about it in terms of
autism appreciation as well,because I had been worried about
(10:07):
Lucas for so long.
Lucas was about a year and ahalf.
I was concerned all the timeabout him having autism, not
speaking yet.
And the time that I was in thathospital, that one week that I
was in the hospital, all Iwanted to do was see my kids
again.
I didn't care if he talked orif he did or didn't.
I just wanted my kids.
(10:28):
And that was a major thing forme.
And that's what made me realizethat autism and worries and
special needs and all this otherstuff, it's not it's not the
major thing of who my kid was.
The major thing is that he's mykid.
I loved him just as much as Iloved his sister, and I knew it
that day.
Not to say I didn't know itbefore, but I'm gonna be honest
(10:49):
with you, I don't know.
He was little.
The only thing that we hadreally had, him and I, was this
overlying feeling of concern forhim all the time.
So I knew that I had to lovehim because I was worried about
him.
But my main thought when Ithought about Lucas was worry
and concern and what's tomorrowgonna be.
And I finally got a chance tosee him just as my kid, my baby,
(11:11):
my boy.
I just want to go back to mykids.
I I thought about, and this isone of the things too, ma'am.
I decided that day that my lifewas very important to live it
the way I wanted to live it,because you only get one and it
could be over tomorrow.
But also to stay alive, to stayhappy.
And the biggest thing for mewas frustration, stress,
(11:37):
anxiety, maybe.
I never really had anxiety, butstress, getting annoyed.
I would get annoyed about a lotof stupid stuff, a lot of
people, and I dealt withannoying people, so that's what
happens.
And I decided that day I didn'twant to die, and I didn't want
something as stupid as stressand annoyance to stop me from
living a full life.
(11:57):
I thought at the time about howall the good things that I had
done up until that moment wouldthen be framed differently.
How my four-year-old daughterOlivia at the time now had a
story where she would go back topeople and they would ask about
her dad, and she would be like,Oh, my dad loved me.
Everyone says he loved me, butthen he died when I was four.
(12:18):
And that broke my heart.
It almost felt like I'd rathernot have been around at all than
do that.
You know what I mean?
Like it really felt like, oh mygod, this is gonna destroy
people, this is gonna hurtpeople.
It's gonna be her one of thestories of her life.
And I made it a mission tochange how I viewed the world.
And through the years, I'vemade changes and I've worked on
(12:42):
myself and the things that Ineed in my life.
And one of the things in thatvideo this morning that I posted
on social media and showing myscar is that I used to be
embarrassed of my scar.
I saw it as a negative.
And it's not a negative.
Not all scars are negatives,but some of them are positives.
And the scar from my quintuplebypass reminds me to live every
(13:03):
single day and to do it in a waythat I know I'm supposed to, to
surround myself with the peoplethat I'm supposed to surround
myself with.
I don't yell, I don't getangry, I don't fight.
If I have a disagreement withyou, we are gonna discuss it and
(13:25):
I want to know why you thinkthat.
Right?
So if you think A, B, and C, Ihate, I don't even want to do it
like this.
I hate the letter stupid thing.
A, B and C I do C, B, and C.
If you think something and Ithink the opposite, I want to
know why you think what youthink.
That's it.
And we're gonna talk about it.
I'm not gonna call you names,and I'm not gonna yell at you,
and I'm not gonna scream at you,and I'm not gonna gaslight you,
and I'm not gonna turn aroundafter the fact and be like,
(13:47):
well, I always thought that, andyou didn't say that.
What did you say?
You didn't know.
Well, people do that, man.
I had people in my life who dothat back then, as recently as
this year.
This year has been a completewipe the slate clean year.
2026, I'm going into completelynew and fresh, and I'm so happy
(14:08):
about that.
I've been through some crazystuff.
I don't talk about a lot of iton here.
I don't talk about familyissues.
Um, I've been through breakupsand stuff.
What am I gonna do?
I'm gonna post memes andbathroom selfies.
How old are we?
I don't do that.
I take these things that I'vebeen through, these issues that
I've dealt with that haveannoyed me and angered me and
(14:30):
reminded me this is not who youwant to be, and I use them to
better myself.
And the reason why I bring thisup is people sometimes view
this as weakness.
They see it as like, oh, he'snot gonna fight, and I can treat
him this way or act this way.
And what people are starting torealize now, what I'm starting
to realize now is that my peaceand my growth and my family
(14:52):
means more to me than anythingelse.
And if you're one of thosepeople that sucks that energy
from me, if you're one of thosepeople who monopolizes my day
with anger and phone calls andI'm twisted, I don't want to
hear it.
Gone.
Gone into the cornfield.
We talked about the cornfield.
You guys remember thecornfield?
(15:12):
I did the whole thing aboutAnthony from It's a Wonderful,
uh, it's a it's a It's aWonderful Life was the name of
the episode, I think, right?
And it was uh Twilight Zone.
Anthony was a little boy wholived in the town and he had the
power to send people away intothe like hold of the cornfield,
just wish you away.
And he would wish you away ifhe didn't like you.
And I love that, right?
(15:33):
I mean, the kid was evil, soobviously he didn't he didn't
use his powers correctly.
If I had those powers, oh mygod, and guess what though?
I do have those, and so do you.
We all do.
And for once, I'm using thosepowers.
I'm not going back in time andfinding people that I've cut out
of my life and trying to havethat conversation to explain to
(15:55):
them, hey, why did you act likethis?
Don't you understand?
I it never goes anywhere.
People will say anything to youin that moment to bring you
back in, and they're still whothey are.
And the reason why I neverrealized that is because I'm on
this constant journey to be anew person.
I'm on this constant journey tobetter myself.
(16:16):
And it blows my mind sometimesthat not everybody is.
People have no desire to betterthemselves.
I want to experienceeverything, I want to learn
everything.
I want to be around people whomake me think, I want to be
around people who help me grow.
And I haven't.
Not always, but I've definitelyfound myself stuck in
(16:37):
situations that took away fromthe growth that I'm supposed to
be experiencing.
And this scar on my chestreminds me what I'm supposed to
be doing, who I'm supposed to bearound, and what I'm supposed
to be experiencing.
And that was my whole point andshowing it and talking about
this and sharing my story witheveryone because I know that so
(16:59):
often, you know, people hearabout autism positivity.
How does this dad, this singledad, you know, again, too, I
talk about cutting people out ofmy life, and people assume I'm
talking about my divorce.
Um, and maybe a little bit, butyou have to remember I was
married for another seven yearsafter my surgery.
So it's not like that was theimmediate change.
No, there were changes that hadto be made.
(17:20):
Some are slower than others,some are quicker than others,
and there's still some lessonsthat I'm still learning now.
And I have to remember that.
And I want to remind people ofthat because when you hear about
it and you think about autismpositivity, and this guy who's a
single dad and he has a kid whohas severe autism that can
still see it in such a positivelight, it seems like, how does
(17:43):
he do this?
And I know that this is such amajor change from what people
are used to.
And I know this because I saidbefore when I wrote the
Huffington Post article aboutnot wanting a cure for Lucas's
autism, I got emails from peoplechastising me.
Well, because you have yourautism, but you don't know.
Some people have kids withsevere autism that'll never talk
and never, you know, havecertain life skills.
And I'm like, you're talking toone of them.
(18:05):
My son doesn't have to be highfunctioning for me to love him
and not want to change him.
My son is who he is.
And that's part again, maybemaybe the surgery had a hand in
that.
I don't know what it is, butit's how I see the world.
And it's how I see other peopletoo, you know.
I see the best in people.
I try to.
And this year taught me thatsome people are not the best,
(18:28):
you know, they don't have yourbest interest at heart.
You think it, and you wouldtell yourself that people get
mad at you, they yell, theyscream, and you think to
yourself, I must have donesomething because this person
says they care about me.
And meanwhile, they've beenscreaming at me for like two
days.
Like there must be like somesort, I must have done
something.
I didn't do anything.
I didn't do anything.
And I'm able to say that andrealize that.
(18:50):
And finally not have thatpositive attitude used against
me by others and by myself.
You stand up for who you are,you evolve and you change.
And that's what the scar hastaught me, and that's what the
surgery has taught me, andthat's what it has shown me.
And my goal in sharing thatwith you is to let you know
(19:11):
everybody can live like this.
You know, it takes, for me, Iguess it took a near-death
experience.
It takes really the idea of,oh, I could be gone, and these
people are wasting the minutesthat I have in my life.
My kids don't waste my minutes.
I mean, don't get me wrong,there's definitely days where
I'm just like, Olivia, what areyou talking about?
(19:31):
You know, and you kind of gothrough that.
But for the most part, no, it'snever my kids.
It's all these other people whohave all these other issues,
have all these things to say.
And I let them in and I allowedit to become an issue.
And you shouldn't live for howyou want to live.
Be who you want to be.
You know what's best, you knowwhat works, and you know what
(19:55):
you want.
And I'm telling you, you couldsit there and you can try.
To be practical and you couldtry to reason things out, but
you could also be gone tomorrow.
So live your life and live itthe best you can.
That's what I do.
And that does it for me.
Do me a favor.
Here's all the plugs.
Hipodomdad.com.
You get all the archives.
Hiblogomdad.com.
(20:16):
Monday, Wednesday, new blogs.
Hi, James Gelvin, all socialmedia.
You got the cartoon, you got,you know, clips and videos.
It's fantastic.
Hi, World I'm Dad, how fatherscan journey from autism
awareness to acceptance toappreciation.
That's available freakingeverywhere, including
audiobooks, digital, print.
You get it, you got it, good.
(20:36):
Um, yeah.
Thank you so much for listeningto me today.
This has been an importantpodcast, and I'm really glad
that we brought the podcast backjust in time for it.
Till next time, this is JamesGuttman saying, be well.
Byepod.
I'm done.
Hello, Pod.
It is James Guttman.
It is Friday.
It is December 12th.
It is 2025.
Thank you so much for joiningme here on the podcast.
Wherever you found me, Iappreciate it.
Uh, Audible, you know, thewhole Spotify.
We go through this.
it's been a sickly December,right?
Like everyone's sick.
(01:12):
I don't feel well.
I feel better.
I will tell you this.
About a week ago, I'm like, oh,I'm this is it.
This is how I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna die from the weather.
But I am better.
This is actually the secondtime I'm recording this audio
because the last time I did it,I sounded like Barry White.
I'm like, hey everybody, let'stalk about autism.
I don't want to do that.
So I figured we come on here,we'll talk a little bit about a
(01:34):
topic that's important today andthis week for me.
Um, if you guys follow me onsocial media,@Hi James Guttman,
H I James Guttman on TikTok andInstagram and all that stuff.
I posted a video talking aboutmy scar.
And for those of you guys whodon't know, the backstory, I had
a quintuple bypass when I was35 years old.
(01:57):
And the date that that happenedwas December 13th.
So tomorrow marks 13 yearssince I had a quintuple bypass.
Now, it's a big deal.
People hear they go, oh my god,and it is a big deal.
But we have to understand tooabout this surgery, this crazy
um in my head, actually, upuntil it happened, this was the
(02:19):
craziest surgery I could evenimagine.
I had zero time to prepare forthis.
This isn't the kind of thingwhere I went to the doctor and
they told me, like, you know,we're gonna have to bring you in
for bypass surgery.
No, this was boom, boom, boom.
That day I had written anarticle about different strokes
for world wrestling insanity,which was my old life.
(02:40):
It was my uh my website aboutwrestling and pop culture.
And literally within fourhours, I was being prepped for
the biggest surgery of my life.
The first surgery of my life,that's another thing we should
probably mention.
I had never gotten any othersurgery, no tonsils, no uh, you
know, I had broke a bone, theyjust put a cast on it, nobody
(03:02):
had to cut me open.
I had no time to prep for thismentally.
I didn't get to Google nothing.
So, what had happened was I hadbeen having heart attacks and
didn't even realize it.
And I do mention before I saidhi, James Guttman on social
media because this morning Iposted a video talking about my
scar from this surgery.
(03:22):
I forgot to mention that.
And what's important to know isthat that day was the last of
what had been a series of heartattacks that I had been having
for years and not even knowingwhat they were.
And the reason I didn't knowwhat they were was because I
kept getting better within like10, 15 minutes.
I would be out of breath.
(03:43):
I'd be like, oh my God, whatthe heck?
I get all hot.
And even now it's funny becauseto talk about it, my brain kind
of flashes back and I rememberit.
I remember that feeling, Iremember how it would be.
But it would go away, and youthink, oh, that's that's good,
that's fine.
In fact, that day that's whathappened.
So I had I had this heartattack.
I had hung up the phone withpeople I would never speak to
(04:04):
again.
We'll get into that.
And at the time, my wife at thetime was home, and my son,
Lucas, who now is 14 and thestar of the show for all of you
guys who follow, uh, was a baby.
He was a really cute baby, andhe was in his crib.
She's like, Look, you're I'mhome.
You're home.
Let's just go walk to thewalk-in center, which I guess
(04:27):
maybe that's where they gettheir name from.
So I literally walked next doorto this urgent care and they
rushed me in because they knewimmediately.
They were like, We saw you andwe knew that something wasn't
right.
But still, I was expectingyou're dehydrated or you need to
move around more, or you don'thow's your sleep?
I expected something simple.
I didn't expect you arecurrently having a heart attack.
(04:48):
We're sending you to thehospital, and that's what
happened.
So they send me to the firsthospital here out here on Long
Island.
Um, and I'll name them.
I'll name them Good SamaritanHospital that wanted to send me
home because they no longer sawanything on the chart that
showed me that I was having aheart attack.
And they tried to explain it tome like a five-year-old.
Well, see, there's things onthe chart, there's these bad
(05:10):
things that are usually there ifyou had and they're not on
there for you.
So I we don't think it's aheart attack.
I said, I don't care what youthink, I'm not leaving until you
tell me for sure.
And even the paramedics whobrought me, like, we're not
gonna bring him back.
Like they sent us here.
I went in, and this is the partof the story where you know, a
guy I know was one of thetechnicians, and he was like,
Hey, James Guttman, and I'mlaying there, you know, with
(05:32):
everything out for everyone tosee.
I was like, Oh my god, hey, howare you?
We're talking, and he'sintroducing me to everybody.
Oh, I knew this guy in highschool.
We gotta get we're all laughingand joking, and then everyone
stops laughing.
During the angi, it's anangiogram that I'm having.
It's one of the only times thatthey can really see inside to
see how your you know yourarteries are.
(05:53):
And the doctor was like, No,James, you have substantial
blockage.
I whenever I quote this story,I almost quote it word for word
because these are the kind ofwords that don't leave.
He was like, You havesubstantial blockage in all your
arteries.
And he starts showing me he'slike 80%, 70%, 90%.
That even how I was walkingaround, it didn't make any
sense.
And then he said the thing thatstuck with me that changed
(06:13):
everything.
He goes, You know those guysthat walk around totally healthy
and then drop dead at 40 of aheart attack, that was gonna be
you.
I was 35.
I was five years away fromdropping dead of a heart attack.
I had gone to the doctor, I hadgotten clean bills of health,
EKGs, way to go, pats on theback, and here I was on death's
(06:33):
door.
The whole ride to the nexthospital, I thought I was dead.
They sent me to anotherhospital for the surgery.
Knock on that, thank God.
And um, I thought I was dead.
I don't mean I thought I wasdead like I would be dead.
I mean I thought I wascurrently dead.
And the reason why was that um,you know, again, my I'm no
longer married, but my wife atthe time couldn't get to the
(06:55):
hospital.
She had to get somebody towatch the kids, no one could
watch the kids.
So I didn't see anybody I knewfrom Good Samaritan Hospital
until I went to my surgery atSt.
Francis.
And me, my brain, I createnarratives, I overthink
everything.
I was like, oh, I'm dead.
This is like the eternalwaiting area in between this
(07:17):
little room I'm in.
This is what happens when yougo to the other side.
I really was convinced I wasdead.
And who knows, man?
Maybe I was, maybe there's amillion timelines where I just
like killed over that day.
But I went in, I remembergetting wheeled down the
hallway, looking in one of thosebig round mirrors in the
corner, seeing my head with thestupid little shower cap on.
(07:39):
And then, and it's crazybecause I don't remember exactly
when I, you know, went under,but I do remember the doors
opening and like the room beingjust very white and very well
lit.
But I could just be, you know,imagining it from TV shows
because it seems like inhindsight, like one of those
like six feet under, kind of thedoors open, the light flashes
(08:01):
it on you.
Now, all that's the story ofthe surgery.
And what's funny is that thismajor surgery, this
life-changing thing, this scarthat was left on my chest, this
tattoo that I got on my chest toremind me of the date and the
time and all this stuff, that'sjust really just the start of
the story, you know?
It's that old free, that oldsaying, I don't know if it was
(08:22):
Hemingway, Churchill, maybe Idon't know who it was.
I I know it is Jake the SnakeRoberts, because that's that's
where I had to quote from.
And it said, This is not theend, this is not the beginning,
this is not even the beginningof the end.
It is the end of the beginning.
And that that surge it was theend of the beginning.
Um it was the moment thatchanged who I was.
(08:43):
For the first time ever, I gotto see death not as an
intangible, I saw it as areality.
And I know you're listening tothis and thinking, well, we all
know that.
We're all gonna die.
Everybody walks around sayingthat I know I'll die one day.
You do and you don't.
You know you'll die one day,but that one day in your head is
like a million years away.
You're an old man or an oldwoman, and you're in some
(09:04):
futuristic spaceship.
No, it could happen in fiveminutes.
It could happen right now.
I might not get to the end ofthe sentence before you're like,
you're gone.
And that day reminded me ofthat.
You could be writing aboutdifferent strokes at 3 p.m.
and on your way to possiblydying at seven.
It's crazy.
That's a reality.
(09:25):
And it made me realize how muchtime I wasted worrying about
nonsense, how much time I wastedbeing frustrated.
Because I was told when I leftthat hospital I didn't have to
do anything.
Well, this is all genetic, iswhat they said to me.
It's all genetic.
You don't have to changeanything.
I said, Well, what if I changemy diet?
Well, you can.
I know I can.
I'm a human being.
(09:45):
Like, what will it stave itoff?
Like, if I'm if I really havethis genetic condition that I'm
predisposed to, like if I eatbetter and exercise more and
keep a healthier, you know,mindset, will it help?
Like, yeah.
Well, then why wouldn't I dothat?
So I did that.
Usually when I tell this story,I talk about it in terms of
autism appreciation as well,because I had been worried about
(10:07):
Lucas for so long.
Lucas was about a year and ahalf.
I was concerned all the timeabout him having autism, not
speaking yet.
And the time that I was in thathospital, that one week that I
was in the hospital, all Iwanted to do was see my kids
again.
I didn't care if he talked orif he did or didn't.
I just wanted my kids.
(10:28):
And that was a major thing forme.
And that's what made me realizethat autism and worries and
special needs and all this otherstuff, it's not it's not the
major thing of who my kid was.
The major thing is that he's mykid.
I loved him just as much as Iloved his sister, and I knew it
that day.
Not to say I didn't know itbefore, but I'm gonna be honest
(10:49):
with you, I don't know.
He was little.
The only thing that we hadreally had, him and I, was this
overlying feeling of concern forhim all the time.
So I knew that I had to lovehim because I was worried about
him.
But my main thought when Ithought about Lucas was worry
and concern and what's tomorrowgonna be.
And I finally got a chance tosee him just as my kid, my baby,
(11:11):
my boy.
I just want to go back to mykids.
I I thought about, and this isone of the things too, ma'am.
I decided that day that my lifewas very important to live it
the way I wanted to live it,because you only get one and it
could be over tomorrow.
But also to stay alive, to stayhappy.
And the biggest thing for mewas frustration, stress,
(11:37):
anxiety, maybe.
I never really had anxiety, butstress, getting annoyed.
I would get annoyed about a lotof stupid stuff, a lot of
people, and I dealt withannoying people, so that's what
happens.
And I decided that day I didn'twant to die, and I didn't want
something as stupid as stressand annoyance to stop me from
living a full life.
(11:57):
I thought at the time about howall the good things that I had
done up until that moment wouldthen be framed differently.
How my four-year-old daughterOlivia at the time now had a
story where she would go back topeople and they would ask about
her dad, and she would be like,Oh, my dad loved me.
Everyone says he loved me, butthen he died when I was four.
(12:18):
And that broke my heart.
It almost felt like I'd rathernot have been around at all than
do that.
You know what I mean?
Like it really felt like, oh mygod, this is gonna destroy
people, this is gonna hurtpeople.
It's gonna be her one of thestories of her life.
And I made it a mission tochange how I viewed the world.
And through the years, I'vemade changes and I've worked on
(12:42):
myself and the things that Ineed in my life.
And one of the things in thatvideo this morning that I posted
on social media and showing myscar is that I used to be
embarrassed of my scar.
I saw it as a negative.
And it's not a negative.
Not all scars are negatives,but some of them are positives.
And the scar from my quintuplebypass reminds me to live every
(13:03):
single day and to do it in a waythat I know I'm supposed to, to
surround myself with the peoplethat I'm supposed to surround
myself with.
I don't yell, I don't getangry, I don't fight.
If I have a disagreement withyou, we are gonna discuss it and
(13:25):
I want to know why you thinkthat.
Right?
So if you think A, B, and C, Ihate, I don't even want to do it
like this.
I hate the letter stupid thing.
A, B and C I do C, B, and C.
If you think something and Ithink the opposite, I want to
know why you think what youthink.
That's it.
And we're gonna talk about it.
I'm not gonna call you names,and I'm not gonna yell at you,
and I'm not gonna scream at you,and I'm not gonna gaslight you,
and I'm not gonna turn aroundafter the fact and be like,
(13:47):
well, I always thought that, andyou didn't say that.
What did you say?
You didn't know.
Well, people do that, man.
I had people in my life who dothat back then, as recently as
this year.
This year has been a completewipe the slate clean year.
2026, I'm going into completelynew and fresh, and I'm so happy
(14:08):
about that.
I've been through some crazystuff.
I don't talk about a lot of iton here.
I don't talk about familyissues.
Um, I've been through breakupsand stuff.
What am I gonna do?
I'm gonna post memes andbathroom selfies.
How old are we?
I don't do that.
I take these things that I'vebeen through, these issues that
I've dealt with that haveannoyed me and angered me and
(14:30):
reminded me this is not who youwant to be, and I use them to
better myself.
And the reason why I bring thisup is people sometimes view
this as weakness.
They see it as like, oh, he'snot gonna fight, and I can treat
him this way or act this way.
And what people are starting torealize now, what I'm starting
to realize now is that my peaceand my growth and my family
(14:52):
means more to me than anythingelse.
And if you're one of thosepeople that sucks that energy
from me, if you're one of thosepeople who monopolizes my day
with anger and phone calls andI'm twisted, I don't want to
hear it.
Gone.
Gone into the cornfield.
We talked about the cornfield.
You guys remember thecornfield?
(15:12):
I did the whole thing aboutAnthony from It's a Wonderful,
uh, it's a it's a It's aWonderful Life was the name of
the episode, I think, right?
And it was uh Twilight Zone.
Anthony was a little boy wholived in the town and he had the
power to send people away intothe like hold of the cornfield,
just wish you away.
And he would wish you away ifhe didn't like you.
And I love that, right?
(15:33):
I mean, the kid was evil, soobviously he didn't he didn't
use his powers correctly.
If I had those powers, oh mygod, and guess what though?
I do have those, and so do you.
We all do.
And for once, I'm using thosepowers.
I'm not going back in time andfinding people that I've cut out
of my life and trying to havethat conversation to explain to
(15:55):
them, hey, why did you act likethis?
Don't you understand?
I it never goes anywhere.
People will say anything to youin that moment to bring you
back in, and they're still whothey are.
And the reason why I neverrealized that is because I'm on
this constant journey to be anew person.
I'm on this constant journey tobetter myself.
(16:16):
And it blows my mind sometimesthat not everybody is.
People have no desire to betterthemselves.
I want to experienceeverything, I want to learn
everything.
I want to be around people whomake me think, I want to be
around people who help me grow.
And I haven't.
Not always, but I've definitelyfound myself stuck in
(16:37):
situations that took away fromthe growth that I'm supposed to
be experiencing.
And this scar on my chestreminds me what I'm supposed to
be doing, who I'm supposed to bearound, and what I'm supposed
to be experiencing.
And that was my whole point andshowing it and talking about
this and sharing my story witheveryone because I know that so
(16:59):
often, you know, people hearabout autism positivity.
How does this dad, this singledad, you know, again, too, I
talk about cutting people out ofmy life, and people assume I'm
talking about my divorce.
Um, and maybe a little bit, butyou have to remember I was
married for another seven yearsafter my surgery.
So it's not like that was theimmediate change.
No, there were changes that hadto be made.
(17:20):
Some are slower than others,some are quicker than others,
and there's still some lessonsthat I'm still learning now.
And I have to remember that.
And I want to remind people ofthat because when you hear about
it and you think about autismpositivity, and this guy who's a
single dad and he has a kid whohas severe autism that can
still see it in such a positivelight, it seems like, how does
(17:43):
he do this?
And I know that this is such amajor change from what people
are used to.
And I know this because I saidbefore when I wrote the
Huffington Post article aboutnot wanting a cure for Lucas's
autism, I got emails from peoplechastising me.
Well, because you have yourautism, but you don't know.
Some people have kids withsevere autism that'll never talk
and never, you know, havecertain life skills.
And I'm like, you're talking toone of them.
(18:05):
My son doesn't have to be highfunctioning for me to love him
and not want to change him.
My son is who he is.
And that's part again, maybemaybe the surgery had a hand in
that.
I don't know what it is, butit's how I see the world.
And it's how I see other peopletoo, you know.
I see the best in people.
I try to.
And this year taught me thatsome people are not the best,
(18:28):
you know, they don't have yourbest interest at heart.
You think it, and you wouldtell yourself that people get
mad at you, they yell, theyscream, and you think to
yourself, I must have donesomething because this person
says they care about me.
And meanwhile, they've beenscreaming at me for like two
days.
Like there must be like somesort, I must have done
something.
I didn't do anything.
I didn't do anything.
And I'm able to say that andrealize that.
(18:50):
And finally not have thatpositive attitude used against
me by others and by myself.
You stand up for who you are,you evolve and you change.
And that's what the scar hastaught me, and that's what the
surgery has taught me, andthat's what it has shown me.
And my goal in sharing thatwith you is to let you know
(19:11):
everybody can live like this.
You know, it takes, for me, Iguess it took a near-death
experience.
It takes really the idea of,oh, I could be gone, and these
people are wasting the minutesthat I have in my life.
My kids don't waste my minutes.
I mean, don't get me wrong,there's definitely days where
I'm just like, Olivia, what areyou talking about?
(19:31):
You know, and you kind of gothrough that.
But for the most part, no, it'snever my kids.
It's all these other people whohave all these other issues,
have all these things to say.
And I let them in and I allowedit to become an issue.
And you shouldn't live for howyou want to live.
Be who you want to be.
You know what's best, you knowwhat works, and you know what
(19:55):
you want.
And I'm telling you, you couldsit there and you can try.
To be practical and you couldtry to reason things out, but
you could also be gone tomorrow.
So live your life and live itthe best you can.
That's what I do.
And that does it for me.
Do me a favor.
Here's all the plugs.
Hipodomdad.com.
You get all the archives.
Hiblogomdad.com.
(20:16):
Monday, Wednesday, new blogs.
Hi, James Gelvin, all socialmedia.
You got the cartoon, you got,you know, clips and videos.
It's fantastic.
Hi, World I'm Dad, how fatherscan journey from autism
awareness to acceptance toappreciation.
That's available freakingeverywhere, including
audiobooks, digital, print.
You get it, you got it, good.
(20:36):
Um, yeah.
Thank you so much for listeningto me today.
This has been an importantpodcast, and I'm really glad
that we brought the podcast backjust in time for it.
Till next time, this is JamesGuttman saying, be well.
Byepod.
I'm done.
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