November 20, 2024 • 42 mins
What if reigniting passion in your relationship wasn’t just possible but downright transformational? Intimacy expert Susan Bratton spills the secrets of rekindling romance at any age and rediscovering connection with practical tips and tools that will add fire and desire to your love life. Whether you’re looking to deepen your connection or simply spice things up, this conversation is your permission slip to embrace The Big O, learn about real lovemaking, and explore the health benefits of intimacy like never before. Get ready to start livin' libido loca!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Susan Bratton (00:06):
I want to give you the tools to have a sex
life that keeps you younger, makes you live
longer and gives you a happier life than
someone who gives up on their sex life
because they didn't get the information.
Hilary Russo (00:22):
What would you say about having more
intimacy in your love life, creating a
better experience in the bedroom and beyond?
And we all know how to have sex?
Right, we know how to have sex, not a
problem, there, got it.
Check that off the list.
But when it comes to being a better lover
and connector and communicator with your
(00:42):
partner in the boudoir and beyond, how does
that sound?
I imagine you're like all right, sign me
uphill.
I hear you, I got it.
And it's easy for us to think about it that
way.
But life gets in the way.
We're purpose-driven humans here, right,
you're tuning into HIListically Speaking
week after week because you know you want
(01:05):
to have the value of being a better human
being over human doing.
But we get caught up in the do-do-do world,
right, that's how we learn to hug it out
with ourselves.
So it's easy to watch that sex life really
dwindle.
And we have career, we have kids, we have
life.
Everything can get in the way.
(01:25):
And before you know it, everything can get
in the way and before you know it, your
connection is in crisis.
So what do you do about it?
Well, I have the perfect guest who's going
to have a wonderful conversation with us.
It's Susan Bratton.
(01:45):
She is known as the intimacy expert to
millions, and you can be one of those just
from tuning into this podcast A champion,
an advocate for those who desire more
passion in their love life, not just sex
life, love life.
We're going to talk about the difference,
Susan, I'm so glad you're here.
This is something I think we can all find
value in, and I know you have a story and
the first thing people always ask is how
does somebody get into this work?
How do you make a career of being the
(02:06):
intimacy expert to millions?
It's a good question.
Susan Bratton (02:10):
I made it up, Hilary.
Just like the rest of my life, I have a
determination to create the life that I
want, and a part of what I wanted to do
through you.
Know how they always say your greatest
wound becomes your greatest gift.
Hilary Russo (02:26):
Oh yeah absolutely.
Susan Bratton (02:28):
I just love that saying.
And what happened for me was that when I
was 42, I almost got divorced from my
husband.
We'd been together for a dozen years and
when I first met him, sex was good.
But over the years I just wanted less and
(02:49):
less and less, until I was avoiding him,
until I used every trick in the book to get
out of having sex with him and it drove him
to emotionally disconnect from me.
We had busy careers, we were raising our
daughter and there I was, standing in the
doorway of my beautiful home with my little
(03:10):
girl, who was six years old, watching my
husband drive away.
I'd asked him to move out and he had been
seeing another woman, basically just to get
his needs met and just try to stay in the
marriage with me.
It's a lot easier for women to give up our
sexuality generally than it is for men.
(03:31):
And I thought what the hell am I doing?
I love this guy, I just don't want to have
sex with him.
What can be done here?
And I was like turn around, come back.
We've got to figure this out.
Because my first response when I found out
that he was with someone else was like well,
then we need to get divorced, but then I
realized I don't want to get divorced, I
(03:52):
want to fix the problem.
What's the problem?
And hindsight being 2020, the problem was
that I had had intercourse with my husband
for 12 years, day in, day out, and I'd
never had an orgasm from it my husband for
12 years, day in, day out, and I'd never
had an orgasm from it.
It just wasn't that great for me.
Well, how come it wasn't?
That's what we set about figuring out,
because it was great for him every time he
did it, but it wasn't for me.
(04:14):
I'm 63 now, so I've been with him 33 years,
so this was two decades ago and within a
matter of months we solved the problem and
started having great sex.
Great sex so great that we were like, oh my
God, we need to tell everyone how easy it
(04:34):
is to learn to have great sex.
And we were internet startup people, we
lived in the Silicon Valley, we had done
very well with our startups and we decided
to start a company together, which was the
birth of Personal Life Media, a publishing
company that teaches passionate lovemaking.
We went on to launch the Steamy Sex Ed
(04:55):
video collection, better Lover products,
and basically what we did to start having
good sex was we went to therapy, but that
was helpful for me moving through some
trauma that I'd had.
I had a lot of trauma.
I'd had a lot of sexual abuse and a lot of
emotional abuse as a child.
(05:15):
It made me feel very unsafe and I
dissociated a lot during sex because of it.
My therapist really helped me work through
all of that and get right with it and let
it go and see where it was holding me and
see how it was keeping me from being my
essential self.
(05:35):
The learning sex techniques was really the
trick.
We just didn't know what we were doing Like.
In your introduction to me you said you
know we all, we all know how to, we all
know how to have sex.
And I'm like not if you know what I know.
What most people are having is procreative
tab A into slot B, and that's not
pleasurable romantic, erotic,
(05:58):
heart-connected, conscious, passionate
lovemaking.
And there's literally no place to learn
that except from people like myself.
And I am not a therapist.
I don't sit in a chair.
I don't sit in a chair in a room with
people and work through their traumas.
I'm the opposite end of that.
I'm the plus up.
I'm the person who says here's how to have
(06:20):
the 20 kinds of orgasms.
Here's how to do bedroom communication.
Here's how to know what you want and ask
for it.
Here's how to have the 20 kinds of orgasms.
Here's how to do bedroom communication.
Here's how to know what you want and ask
for it.
Here's how to have your partner love you,
asking for what you want, because that's
what they want to give you.
Here's how your arousal works as compared
to your partner's and how you're not broken
because you don't operate like he does.
(06:42):
So stop beating on yourself and thinking
you're broken.
Your libido's ruined.
There's something wrong.
It's literally that you haven't gotten the
kind of lovemaking that a woman's body
needs, because everything we see in
pornography and the media is male focused.
So once you right those wrongs and give
those simple techniques.
(07:03):
I have the easiest job in the world.
I tell you what to do, you do it and by the
third time you try it, it works Three times
a charm for almost everything sexually.
The first time someone does something,
they're like oh, I didn't notice it, I
didn't feel it, I didn't like it, I wasn't
sure.
That's because it's new.
You're creating new neural pathways and
that was one of the things that I was
really excited to come on and talk to you
(07:23):
about, Hilary, is because you start with
the mind, and we know the mind is the
biggest sex organ.
But why?
These are things that I was really excited
to talk to you about today, because my
sense of your audience is that, if you're
listening to Hilary and I right now, you
are a person who's like I want tips, I want
techniques, I want to overcome whatever's
(07:46):
been holding me back.
I am a, I'm an overachiever.
Give me the tools, and that's why you're
spending time here.
So I want to give you the tools to have a
sex life that keeps you younger, makes you
live longer and gives you a happier life
than someone who gives up on their sex life
(08:06):
because they didn't get the information.
Hilary Russo (08:08):
Now you got people really curious,
including myself, because, yes, the idea
that it's easy to just have sex, the sexual
act, but truly having the intimacy and the
arousal and the orgasms is, is we sometimes
look at it that it's hard to get that?
(08:29):
It's hard to get that because life gets in
the way.
It's hard to get that because I've been
through my traumas.
It's hard to get that because I don't
really, even when I ask what I want, I'm
not getting what I want.
But can we simplify this?
Like, how do we get to that place to where
it's an experience that both parties
involved are going to just really connect
and say more of that, please?
(08:50):
Yeah.
Susan Bratton (08:51):
There's three legs to the stool.
So when you're looking at the big, big, big,
big picture, what's the 10,000 foot
perspective on your understanding?
How to have that what I call sex span?
Extending your sex span, not just your
health span, but your sex span.
Great sex that keeps getting better your
whole life long.
(09:11):
Because for me, at 63 now, I'm having the
best sex of my life and there is absolutely
no question in my mind that it's going to
continue to get better, because I've been
on a 20 plus year trajectory of it getting
better.
I have more skills, more confidence, more
orgasmic pleasure and intensity.
So how do you do this?
(09:32):
How do you get on what I like to call the
upward pleasure spiral?
It's like transforming friction.
My genitals rubbing together gives me an
orgasm, all right, it does.
Gives me an orgasm All right it does.
But it's like friction into connection,
into a depth of soulful, passionate
intimacy where you get so turned on for
(09:53):
each other and you're just in this place
where the world falls away and you're
playing off of each other.
And it's the kind of sex that makes you
feel like you can touch source.
It's the kind of sex that makes you look
forward to the next time instead of ugh.
I know I've got to have sex with him and I
just don't feel like it.
Hilary Russo (10:15):
Can I touch on one thing?
You just said, connecting to source, and it
reminds me I've had people on the show talk
about libido before, even tantric sex.
Is it similar to that where we're talking
about the tantric side of things?
Because, connecting to source and the soul,
self, and that experience where both of you
are just feeling that energy.
Susan Bratton (10:35):
Yeah, source is a word for Another word for
Gaia, which is another word for God, which
is another word for the conscious
connection we all have to each other, thing
(10:57):
that has held us back from having the kind
of passionate intimacy that we have wanted
our whole lives but given up.
Believing is available to us, and that's
because when you have super passionate sex
(11:17):
you can actually through orgasmic pleasure,
ecstatic bliss, you can actually feel like
you touched God, gaia, source, whatever it
might be.
That's what tantric lovemaking is.
It is the kind of orgasmic ecstasy that
makes you see God, and churches want to
(11:39):
shut that shit down, because if you're
seeing God through loving someone else,
you're not coming into church to see God
there.
And that's why religious repression has
been to say that sex is for procreation
only.
And then it becomes patriarchal.
(12:00):
We become we're supposed to have sex
instead of we want to, because we're wildly
erotic goddesses, and all of that is
repression that we need to break free from
as best we can in this lifetime.
If you believe in afterlife, I mean I
personally don't, but I like the concept.
(12:21):
It sounds great.
I just haven't gotten to that as an actual
possibility for myself.
Hilary Russo (12:28):
I'm more concerned with this life.
Susan Bratton (12:30):
Me too.
I'm very concerned with this life, and so
even when I say the word sex, people think
intercourse, we've got to have sex, all
right, I've got to have intercourse.
That's what sex, because of that
patriarchal, religious repression.
But sex, and we think about it as foreplay
and sex and it's like, but wait a minute,
if we had matriarchal pleasure, if we were
(12:53):
female focused on pleasure, we'd go at the
timeframe of the female body.
We're currently thinking there's something
wrong with us as women because we're not
always horny, initiating sex coming within
two to three minutes, all the stuff that
(13:14):
men's bodies do, and we don't ever see any
images of that in pornography or the media.
All we see is men's arousal pattern and we
think there's something wrong with us.
And so what I really like to explain is
that, if you think about libido, desire and
arousal, libido- is your health.
(13:35):
If you're not healthy, you don't have a
libido.
The minute you start feeling like, oh, sex
is maybe something I could be interested in,
your health is returning.
Desire is the emotional body.
How do you feel about yourself?
With all the issues so many people struggle
with around self-worth, around body image,
(13:56):
around trauma, no wonder desire is
suppressed.
And then, how do you feel about your
partner?
Are they satisfying you outside the bedroom?
Because it's very hard to feel connected in
the bedroom if you are frustrated outside
the bedroom.
For most people they have a hard time
bifurcating that.
(14:16):
And then arousal is men.
They get nighttime erections, they wake up
with morning wood.
They are naturally testosterone dominant,
they're very goal oriented and they have
fast acting hemodynamics, which is blood
flow.
The blood flow needs to go into their penis
very quickly, into the spongy tissue
chambers.
(14:37):
And if I took the spongy tissue chambers
out of a penis and put it on my hand, it
would cover my hand.
It's all sponge in there and the blood
needs to flow in and push the smooth muscle
tissue to lock off and hold the blood in
there and hold that firm erection.
Well, we women have the same amount of
erectile tissue in our vulva.
(15:00):
We have three sponges, just like our
male-bodied partners do.
They have two corpus cavernosum and one
corpus spongiosum.
We have a clitoral, urethral and perineal
sponge that wraps around our vagina.
The tip of the clitoris goes into a shaft,
goes into two arms, goes into two bulbous
legs, if you will.
Our urethral sponge, which is called a spot,
(15:22):
a G-spot, it's not a spot.
Our urethral sponge, which is called a spot,
a G spot, it's not a spot, it's a long tube
of tissue and a perineal sponge on the
bottom of the floor of our vagina.
So we're literally wrapped in erectile
tissue, but we're estrogen dominant, which
means we're the prey, not the predator,
which means we don't feel safe.
So things need to be really safe for us to
let down, get out of our head and into our
(15:42):
body.
We need time for that.
We need to be soothed because we are
running, scared and multitasking as
estrogen dominant women.
Hilary Russo (15:54):
It's just how we all are.
Susan Bratton (15:56):
And we have all these nooks and crannies
that our erectile tissue goes into and it
doesn't lock off like the penis.
So it seeps into all of that tissue but if
we're stressed out the seeping doesn't work
and we don't get full erectile function as
(16:17):
women.
And often what's happened for women is, if
they're in a relationship with their
partner, their partner's pissed at them
because they never initiate.
They have to feel like they have to do all
the work.
Then they feel rejected, then they're in
victimhood.
She feels guilty because she doesn't want
sex.
She's responsive rather than spontaneous.
You've heard these words.
I'm sure many people have now and she is
(16:42):
always worrying about everything.
That's just natural for women.
We have our eye on a lot of.
We're very multitasking and so we're not
calmed down.
And we need to get calmed down and in our
body, for the blood to actually flow, for
our tears to let down, for our mouth to get
moist and saliva to run, for our breasts to
let down, we need hissing, we need breast
(17:03):
play, we need outer touch, not just
penetration.
And because we've been rushing ourselves,
we think there's something wrong with our
libido, when there's not a damn thing wrong
with it other than we haven't been made
love to the way we, as female-bodied people
need.
And so, even though I have 20 years of
(17:24):
confident sexual maturation and skills mad
skills I can come 20 different ways.
I've done everything and anything.
I'm very comfortable with it all.
I am an experimenter, I am a sexual
biohacker.
I have really kept my genitals in fantastic
(17:47):
working order.
Even now I have to say to myself okay, well,
I'm getting a yoni massage for my husband.
I'm completely relaxed.
Oh, is it taking me too long?
No, girl, just let her get turned on my
yoni, which is a tantric lovemaking word
for our entire female genital system.
(18:08):
I like it better than vulva, which is the
outsider, vagina, which is just the inside.
We've got all this tissue we need to
account for and the spiritual connection to
that tissue as well, the seat of our power.
And so I just have to sometimes tell myself
hey, just give yourself the time, you'll
get she always gets there what she need.
(18:30):
Tell your husband what she's telling you.
He accommodates, he knows, he's not in a
rush, he's patient, he won't even have a
quickie with me.
He's like no, you know, you know you're
going to get mad at me.
She'll get a little chip on her shoulder If
I do that.
I'm not having quickies with you.
No, no.
So you have to learn to slow down.
When guys say to me what's the number one
(18:50):
sex trick, I say slow down, turn around,
come back and get us and do the heavy
lifting to help us get turned on, because
once we're turned on, we can really go and
go and go and go.
And we don't want you to shut us down for
that either, by the way, right.
Hilary Russo (19:06):
I do have some male listeners here as well
and those who identify as.
How can we support both sides here?
Because obviously, you know, I'm listening
to you and I'm thinking there are times
when men, and mostly they're going to come
faster.
And so how do you create this dance where
(19:27):
you are pulling back a little bit and
creating that beautiful dance communication,
that intimate communication, to where it
becomes pleasurable for both?
Susan Bratton (19:39):
So first thing is that if a guy feels like
he comes too fast, he can learn a technique
that I teach called the me breath.
I teach this with Jim Benson and the me
breath is an ancient Taoist strategy for
gassing and breaking your urge to ejaculate
so that you can last as long as she wants
you to, as long as she is enjoying herself,
(20:01):
and it's called getting ejaculatory choice,
the me breath.
And if you go to tuningforktipcom, that
will explain what the me breath is and the
tuning fork.
Analogy is that when you can get in your
turn on instead of holding back because
you're worried about ejaculating too soon,
when you can show her your turn on instead
of holding back because you're worried
about ejaculating too soon, when you can
show her your turn on and excitement
(20:22):
instead of just doing her, you're actually
being with her.
There's that interplay.
Then it's like you, your tuning fork put up
next to her, your turn on will resonate and
turn her on.
So many guys are like strategizing in their
heads instead of being in their hearts and
in their penis.
Hilary Russo (20:41):
Well, we'll add that link to the notes of
this podcast episode, definitely.
I know we have a lot of things we're going
to be adding to the notes of this podcast,
specifically just talking about how can we
elevate that arousal to create the
connection, and I know you have these three
points that you want to talk about.
So we want to go back to that.
(21:01):
Yeah, well, we can circle back to that.
Susan Bratton (21:02):
Yeah, I'll just answer the rest of the this
question and then we can go back.
Great, the thing to do is to stop thinking
about sex as intercourse and to think about
sex as intimate pleasure.
Yeah, so, holding each other full body
massage, having some connection and
(21:22):
conversation to get things off your chest,
yoni massage, lingam massage, oral
pleasuring and intercourse, integrating
toys, maybe a vibrating penis ring or a
little vibrator while you're penetrating
her, or whatever it might be.
Lots of kissing, lots of breast play, lots
(21:45):
of touch, because what you're trying to do
is generate her letdown, but also co-create
a lot of oxytocin, because the oxytocin is
the counter to cortisol, the stress hormone.
That's right.
And so when you have orgasms, you're
getting this big charge of oxygen to your
brain.
(22:06):
You're getting a vascular event, you're
getting mood improvement, you're balancing
the cortisol.
You're even promoting immune support, like
natural killer cells and IgA and T cells
and endorphins that get rid of pain and the
semen.
If you're in a pair bonded couple and
(22:28):
you're ejaculating inside her, she's
getting spermidine and testosterone and
serotonin and luteinizing hormone and all.
I mean we are very symbiotic.
Plus, you're getting strength and stamina
and flexibility and all these I mean we go
to yoga.
How about some doggy style?
(22:51):
That's some good downward dog right there
right.
Hilary Russo (22:54):
Well, my question would be for those who
might be a little uncomfortable with this
conversation.
You know there, there might be listeners
out there that are like this is not in my
game, looking around, like, is anyone
listening to me, listening to this?
And we hear you.
I mean, I know you're out there and that's
okay too.
How do we find that comfort, or how do you
take that first step to experiment, to play,
(23:18):
to try something outside of what's your
comfort zone?
Susan Bratton (23:23):
Yeah, perfect.
Well, the first thing is that what I have
found with people is that the large
majority, large majority of people, when
they hear me speak, they're like, oh whoa,
she's so comfortable talking about this
stuff.
And that's just because I do it regularly,
and it becomes comfortable when you do it.
Sex is a mastery skill, just like cooking.
(23:44):
The more you cook, the better your food
tastes.
It's exactly the same.
And so you hearing me now, you can handle
it.
You're a grownup, this is big person.
Talk, you can handle it.
I haven't said anything that is, you know,
like weird or what have you.
It's like this is what we do, so we should
(24:04):
be able to talk about it.
And that brings me back to the three things.
See if we segue well done, Hilary so
there's three legs of the set, the
fantastic sex life that keeps getting
better.
Three legs of that platform.
One is communication skills.
Do you know what you want?
(24:25):
Can you ask for it?
Does your partner love to hear what you
want?
Can you talk about fantasies?
Can you tell them what is hot about them?
Can you hear them tell you what's hot about
you?
Are you comfortable moaning and making
sounds and giving feedback in the bedroom?
If you're not comfortable with any of those
things, you could just learn how to do them.
(24:46):
Practice makes perfect.
Try it three times.
It's very easy.
I'll give you a book.
Dirtytalkbookcom is my book.
That is how to Talk Dirty Without Feeling
Weird.
It is five techniques that bring worship,
adoration, pleasure and communication into
the bedroom in ways that are not yucky but
(25:08):
are really hot.
Love that, and that's very important.
And then the second leg of the stool is
technique 20 kinds of orgasms, Susan.
How did you do that?
How could there be 20 kinds of?
I mean 20 kinds of orgasms, Susan.
How did you do that?
How could there be 20 kinds of?
I mean?
I've heard of like clitoral and vaginal and
things like that.
What are you even taught?
This is where you can just keep learning
(25:29):
and learning and learning and expanding
your techniques, and the best thing that I
can tell you about techniques is to develop
a sex life bucket list.
If you are lucky enough to have a partner,
if you go to sexlifebucketlistcom that's
another resource.
I give you a PDF you can print out and then
(25:51):
I do a little 40 minute video.
And this is your first erotic play date are
48 erotic playdates that I walk you through
each one in the video, so you can just pop
open your laptop or your phone in bed, have
your printouts, walk through it with me and
then mark them a, b or c.
(26:12):
Oh, that is definitely going on my bucket
list.
I want to find my G spot or whatever it
might be Right, yeah, and B is well.
It wouldn't be for me, but if you want to
become a multi-orgasmic man, I want to
support you in having full body energy
orgasms so you have ejaculatory choice and
can last as long as you want.
That sounds great.
Hilary Russo (26:32):
Yeah, and this is something you can even do
with your partner in bed sitting there with
your laptop open and then the laptop goes
flying off the bed because you're putting
things into action.
Exactly Right Idea into action.
Okay, love that.
Susan Bratton (26:46):
And then your C.
You mark some of them as Cs, which is it's
not for me right now, but never say never.
And nothing on the sex life bucket list is
yucky, it's not going to make you feel
weird and what it gives you is these 48
ideas.
And then you take your A's and your
partner's A's and you merge them together
and then instead of like, well, I know I
need to have sex, we should schedule sex.
(27:07):
You're like oh, we're going to try that new
Pulse Queen Yoni vibrator while you give me
a Yoni massage and see how that feels and
see if we can get me to full engorgement,
like Susan Bratton talked about.
And then we'll have intercourse and we'll
do like a split test and I'll tell you is
it better?
Did I have a better orgasm?
Did I finally have an orgasm from
(27:28):
intercourse?
Because we did that thing.
And so it's a way for you to kind of start
to think about developing that new
relationship energy in the bedroom again,
because no matter how long you've been
together, you can always have a renaissance
in your relationship and you can have many
of them over the years.
(27:48):
You might fall off or have some problems,
and then you come back together and it's
better than ever.
So I think the techniques are very
important and that's what the sex life
bucket list is kind of about.
It's like how do you learn?
What do you want to learn next, so that
your sex life can keep getting better?
And then the third leg of that platform is
(28:10):
essentially this sex ban idea of ageless
sexuality.
So, okay, I'm in my 50s.
I feel like maybe my clitoris has atrophied
a little bit.
I'm having a little bit more of a struggle
achieving an orgasm.
I noticed that there's some vaginal laxity.
(28:31):
I'm starting to feel like a little
incontinence.
I don't know, it just seems like my
genitals raging.
My husband I noticed that not only is he
not as firm as he used to be, it takes him
a lot longer to get hard and then he
struggles to maintain an erection and,
honestly, it looks like he's gotten smaller,
like his penis is shrinking.
(28:52):
What can we do about that?
And that's where you get into the
regenerative therapies like Gaines Wave.
I'm a spokesperson for them.
I like to talk about them because it's a
treatment you go in and get done that uses
this acoustic wave little wand over the
genital erectile tissue and that stimulates
(29:13):
new tissue growth and it basically reverses
the atrophy of aging.
If you keep your genitals in good order or
do regenerative therapy to them, you learn
new techniques and you work on your
communication skills.
Hilary Russo (29:32):
This is how you go the distance with your
sex span those three things, and this is so
important because in this day and age,
fortunately, as women get older especially,
we start or women do start questioning
themselves or sexuality.
Am I still going to be able to do this?
(29:53):
Is my body still in good working order?
Even though they say that we reach our
prime later, there's a point where it's
like my body's changing, my mind's changing,
and you know we talk a lot about longevity
in this day and age as well, but we're not
really talking about the sexual longevity.
So I love that you're touching on that.
That's what I talk about.
That's what I love that you're talking
about Cause we don't hear a lot about that.
And it's all working together, this
(30:15):
beautiful vehicle of ours, so that's
wonderful.
Can we talk about the one product that I
know that you want to share with my
audience, which could really up the game?
Susan Bratton (30:28):
Yes, so many women deal with loss of
internal lubrication in the vaginal canal
and that's estrogen decline, it's loss of
nitric oxide production and it's also being
rushed to sex.
They have melts which are little inserts
(30:50):
that are made of cocoa butter and CBD.
You can buy non-CBD.
There are a few people who are like I don't
want CBD for one reason or another.
Hilary Russo (30:57):
You can buy these from Foria.
Susan Bratton (30:57):
Everything that I'm saying also comes CBD
free, but I love the CBD.
It's phytocannabinoids that trigger our
body's endocannabinoid system to create
that mind yoni connection the pleasure
healing pathway of our own endocannabinoid
system.
We have endocannabinoid receptors in the
(31:18):
vulva and they trigger pleasure.
So it's like a kickstart to your sensation
and the melts melt inside the vagina and
cocoa butter is full of oleic acid, which
is what your good vaginal bacteria want to
eat.
It's very healthy and it coats the tissue
in a way where it's hard to get lube up
(31:41):
inside you.
So this is a way to get the cocoa butter
and the CBD and the botanicals up inside
you.
They even have relief melts for women who
are very, very dry from menopause and just
need more moisture.
And then the outside outside, you rub on
what their product called Awaken Arousal
(32:02):
Oil.
It's not a lube, it's an arousal oil that
uses botanicals and CBD and MCT oil, which
comes from coconuts, but it's not coconut
oil.
Coconut oil creates proteins and little
sticky things and it can be disruptive to
the vaginal microbiome because it's
(32:23):
naturally antibacterial.
Mct oil is refined and doesn't have any
negative properties.
It's positive.
It's actually the ketones for your brain.
So the Awaken you just put a couple drops
on and you or your partner can rub them on
the outer vulva, on the clitoral shaft and
tip, and that starts sending signals to
(32:44):
your brain oh, oh, okay, oh, I'm feeling it,
that's nice.
And then their sex oil is on top of
everything, all the slide and glide that
you want.
Do you have to use all three?
No, is it a ritual that becomes very
sensual for couples?
(33:05):
Yes, and so I recommend the pleasure
protocol, the three things used together
every time.
No, you don't have to use it, but try it
together.
It's the bomb.
And the thing that I don't like, I cannot.
This is not a sexual lubricant, sexual.
This is sex oil melts and awaken arousal
(33:29):
oil.
And the thing to understand about sexual
lubricants is that they are an FDA class
two managed product, and so they must have
preservatives in them, which is why I do
not like them, because I don't want to put
sodium benzoate on my vagina, because it's
(33:53):
mucus membrane.
It's the same as your mouth.
If I wouldn't put in my mouth, if I
wouldn't put KY put in my mouth, if I
wouldn't put ky jelly in my mouth, why
would I put it on my vulva?
I would never, and so what I like about the
pleasure protocol is that it's three
beautiful, clean products that work
together, create a ritual, calm and soothe
(34:17):
you, awaken your arousal and when you spend
the time having your partner put something
on you like that, it just allows you to
kind of like ease into connection and
loving.
Yeah, I love that the difference between
that and someone just like spitting or
(34:37):
something.
Hilary Russo (34:38):
Smooth it on you right, Smother it.
Susan Bratton (34:40):
That's disgusting.
Hilary Russo (34:40):
And I love that you call it a ritual, like
you're creating a ritual that sounds so
beautiful.
In that, just in that, it sounds like a
process that you're connecting and
communicating.
So I know that those of you tuning in are
going how do I get my hands on this product?
(35:02):
So we are going to put a link to that the
for you in the notes of this podcast
episode.
Grab yourself some.
Susan is generously sending me some.
Yeah, I'm very excited to incorporate it,
because create those new rituals with your
partner.
You know, experiment with yourself first.
You know everything starts with self.
It's the self love first.
So love this, Susan.
You've shared so much great content here
and I do want to mention one thing, folks,
we have not said.
(35:23):
Susan calls herself the orgasmonaut.
You love that.
Susan Bratton (35:28):
You're so cute.
Hilary Russo (35:28):
I just had to throw that out there.
So you're learning from like a NASA
inspired, she's the orgasminaut for you, in
addition to being the intimacy expert to
millions.
But if you are looking for some way to amp
things up and I don't just mean like I
don't want to make it sound less this is a
beautiful process.
(35:49):
We are meant to connect.
We are human creatures, we are meant to
connect and you shared so much unbelievable
information to create that pleasure
potential, that orgasmic pleasure potential,
and you know some people who might have
been through traumatic experiences where
they struggle with that.
(36:09):
It's really creating, like you said, it's a
safe space first.
It's always creating that safe space.
So I want to make sure that folks know it's
all about creating a safe space first in
your partnership, in your own life, and
know that there are tools and there are
people that can help you with that.
So thanks for being a big part of that.
Susan, we're going to do some rapid fire
(36:31):
here.
Orgasminaut, I'm ready, okay, you're ready.
I'm going to throw out a word.
I'm ready, okay, you're ready.
I'm going to throw out a word, first word
that comes to mind, bring it on back.
It's just rapid fire, word association and
boy, oh boy.
I am so curious to see what you're going to
come back with.
This might be the most fun rapid fire I've
ever done.
You ready, yeah, okay, here we go Orgasmic.
Susan Bratton (36:56):
Buffet.
Hilary Russo (36:59):
Libido.
Susan Bratton (37:00):
Desire and arousal All right.
Sex ban, hot sex till the day you die.
Hilary Russo (37:09):
Pleasure.
It is impossible for you to come up with
one word, isn't it?
Yes, pleasure, yes, oh.
Your word back is yes.
Oh, my God, you're hilarious.
Intimacy, slow Desire.
Susan Bratton (37:33):
Being held.
Hilary Russo (37:35):
Oh, I felt that Safety Warm candlelight,
okay, orgasminaut.
Susan Bratton (37:46):
Silver, lame.
Hilary Russo (37:48):
Silver.
Oh, that's right If you're just tuning in.
Susan had actually told me that that is
part of your costume.
Susan Bratton (37:57):
Like my little costume.
Yeah, I wear a little space costume, yeah.
Hilary Russo (38:00):
I love it.
That's, I'm like envisioning that right now,
and it's, it's giving me.
It's giving me giggles.
I love it.
Okay, last word, I don't know if I said
this um sex Love.
Yeah, it always comes back to love, right?
So wait?
Susan Bratton (38:14):
final word love.
Hilary Russo (38:15):
It always comes back to love, right?
So wait, final word love.
What's the final word?
Expansion.
Oh, there's always room for more, right?
Always, Always.
Susan, I love this.
This is so great.
I want to give you a moment to share a
final thought with those tuning into
HIListically Speaking.
Susan Bratton (38:34):
Yeah, we've covered a lot of ground and you
might be thinking to yourself I don't even
know where to start.
I've given you the big picture, the 10,000
foot view of you know.
It's learning to communicate.
It's learning pleasure skills and thinking
about your sex life as something that
benefits your longevity and your happiness
(38:56):
throughout your life, and that it's less
about something that you have to do and
more about something that is not only good
for you and healing and nurturing and
calming, but it's also something that will
bring you pleasure over time for the rest
of your life.
(39:16):
So where to start?
I'd say, of all the things that I've talked
about, the sex life bucket list, just
printing that out and looking at it
yourself and saying where do I want to go?
Sexuality is so vast.
What's right for you right now?
Is that yoni massage sounding good?
Is it the embrace?
(39:37):
Is it sex positions?
Is it oral pleasuring?
Would you like to try some toys?
You'll know when you do your bucket list
what it is, where you are, maybe the next
steps on your own journey, in your own not
only sexual maturation, but sexual
emancipation from all of the repression
(39:59):
that you've grown up under that's affected
you in so many ways, to take back your
pleasure as your birthright?
Yeah, and one of the most important things
in this life, in addition to the love of
family and friends.
Art and music and nature, these are the
gifts of our humanity.
And your art and music and nature, these
are the gifts of our humanity, and your
(40:21):
sexuality is one of them.
Don't let people take it from you.
Take it back step by step.
Hilary Russo (40:28):
Yeah, it's choice.
Love that Absolutely beautiful bucket list.
We're gonna put all this in the podcast
notes, Susan, such a pleasure to have you
here.
Thank you, Hilary.
I, uh and I'm putting emphasis on the word
pleasure, yeah, this is juicy, my friends.
So much that we shared with you during this
(40:50):
episode, with Susan Bratton, from her books
to her bucket list, and even giving you
some extra products to try.
So make sure you check out those links that
are in the notes of this podcast episode.
If you are looking to elevate your intimacy,
we can all be orgasminauts if we want to,
right.
(41:10):
And if you know someone who might find this
episode a must have which I imagine is just
about everyone Go ahead and pay it forward,
share it, pass it along.
Don't forget to leave a rating and review.
And look, you might want to reference back
to this episode at some time, so consider
downloading it as well, so it's right there
when you need it most.
(41:32):
HIListically, Speaking is edited by Two
Market Media, with music by Lipbone Redding
and, of course, supported by you.
So thank you On that note.
Thank you for putting yourself first, for
choosing to hug it out with yourself day
after day, so that you can enjoy the best
things in life, including those intimate
(41:52):
moments that start between the sheets.
I love you, I believe in you and I'm
sending hugs your way, be well.
I want to give you the tools to have a sex
life that keeps you younger, makes you live
longer and gives you a happier life than
someone who gives up on their sex life
because they didn't get the information.
Hilary Russo (00:22):
What would you say about having more
intimacy in your love life, creating a
better experience in the bedroom and beyond?
And we all know how to have sex?
Right, we know how to have sex, not a
problem, there, got it.
Check that off the list.
But when it comes to being a better lover
and connector and communicator with your
(00:42):
partner in the boudoir and beyond, how does
that sound?
I imagine you're like all right, sign me
uphill.
I hear you, I got it.
And it's easy for us to think about it that
way.
But life gets in the way.
We're purpose-driven humans here, right,
you're tuning into HIListically Speaking
week after week because you know you want
(01:05):
to have the value of being a better human
being over human doing.
But we get caught up in the do-do-do world,
right, that's how we learn to hug it out
with ourselves.
So it's easy to watch that sex life really
dwindle.
And we have career, we have kids, we have
life.
Everything can get in the way.
(01:25):
And before you know it, everything can get
in the way and before you know it, your
connection is in crisis.
So what do you do about it?
Well, I have the perfect guest who's going
to have a wonderful conversation with us.
It's Susan Bratton.
(01:45):
She is known as the intimacy expert to
millions, and you can be one of those just
from tuning into this podcast A champion,
an advocate for those who desire more
passion in their love life, not just sex
life, love life.
We're going to talk about the difference,
Susan, I'm so glad you're here.
This is something I think we can all find
value in, and I know you have a story and
the first thing people always ask is how
does somebody get into this work?
How do you make a career of being the
(02:06):
intimacy expert to millions?
It's a good question.
Susan Bratton (02:10):
I made it up, Hilary.
Just like the rest of my life, I have a
determination to create the life that I
want, and a part of what I wanted to do
through you.
Know how they always say your greatest
wound becomes your greatest gift.
Hilary Russo (02:26):
Oh yeah absolutely.
Susan Bratton (02:28):
I just love that saying.
And what happened for me was that when I
was 42, I almost got divorced from my
husband.
We'd been together for a dozen years and
when I first met him, sex was good.
But over the years I just wanted less and
(02:49):
less and less, until I was avoiding him,
until I used every trick in the book to get
out of having sex with him and it drove him
to emotionally disconnect from me.
We had busy careers, we were raising our
daughter and there I was, standing in the
doorway of my beautiful home with my little
(03:10):
girl, who was six years old, watching my
husband drive away.
I'd asked him to move out and he had been
seeing another woman, basically just to get
his needs met and just try to stay in the
marriage with me.
It's a lot easier for women to give up our
sexuality generally than it is for men.
(03:31):
And I thought what the hell am I doing?
I love this guy, I just don't want to have
sex with him.
What can be done here?
And I was like turn around, come back.
We've got to figure this out.
Because my first response when I found out
that he was with someone else was like well,
then we need to get divorced, but then I
realized I don't want to get divorced, I
(03:52):
want to fix the problem.
What's the problem?
And hindsight being 2020, the problem was
that I had had intercourse with my husband
for 12 years, day in, day out, and I'd
never had an orgasm from it my husband for
12 years, day in, day out, and I'd never
had an orgasm from it.
It just wasn't that great for me.
Well, how come it wasn't?
That's what we set about figuring out,
because it was great for him every time he
did it, but it wasn't for me.
(04:14):
I'm 63 now, so I've been with him 33 years,
so this was two decades ago and within a
matter of months we solved the problem and
started having great sex.
Great sex so great that we were like, oh my
God, we need to tell everyone how easy it
(04:34):
is to learn to have great sex.
And we were internet startup people, we
lived in the Silicon Valley, we had done
very well with our startups and we decided
to start a company together, which was the
birth of Personal Life Media, a publishing
company that teaches passionate lovemaking.
We went on to launch the Steamy Sex Ed
(04:55):
video collection, better Lover products,
and basically what we did to start having
good sex was we went to therapy, but that
was helpful for me moving through some
trauma that I'd had.
I had a lot of trauma.
I'd had a lot of sexual abuse and a lot of
emotional abuse as a child.
(05:15):
It made me feel very unsafe and I
dissociated a lot during sex because of it.
My therapist really helped me work through
all of that and get right with it and let
it go and see where it was holding me and
see how it was keeping me from being my
essential self.
(05:35):
The learning sex techniques was really the
trick.
We just didn't know what we were doing Like.
In your introduction to me you said you
know we all, we all know how to, we all
know how to have sex.
And I'm like not if you know what I know.
What most people are having is procreative
tab A into slot B, and that's not
pleasurable romantic, erotic,
(05:58):
heart-connected, conscious, passionate
lovemaking.
And there's literally no place to learn
that except from people like myself.
And I am not a therapist.
I don't sit in a chair.
I don't sit in a chair in a room with
people and work through their traumas.
I'm the opposite end of that.
I'm the plus up.
I'm the person who says here's how to have
(06:20):
the 20 kinds of orgasms.
Here's how to do bedroom communication.
Here's how to know what you want and ask
for it.
Here's how to have the 20 kinds of orgasms.
Here's how to do bedroom communication.
Here's how to know what you want and ask
for it.
Here's how to have your partner love you,
asking for what you want, because that's
what they want to give you.
Here's how your arousal works as compared
to your partner's and how you're not broken
because you don't operate like he does.
(06:42):
So stop beating on yourself and thinking
you're broken.
Your libido's ruined.
There's something wrong.
It's literally that you haven't gotten the
kind of lovemaking that a woman's body
needs, because everything we see in
pornography and the media is male focused.
So once you right those wrongs and give
those simple techniques.
(07:03):
I have the easiest job in the world.
I tell you what to do, you do it and by the
third time you try it, it works Three times
a charm for almost everything sexually.
The first time someone does something,
they're like oh, I didn't notice it, I
didn't feel it, I didn't like it, I wasn't
sure.
That's because it's new.
You're creating new neural pathways and
that was one of the things that I was
really excited to come on and talk to you
(07:23):
about, Hilary, is because you start with
the mind, and we know the mind is the
biggest sex organ.
But why?
These are things that I was really excited
to talk to you about today, because my
sense of your audience is that, if you're
listening to Hilary and I right now, you
are a person who's like I want tips, I want
techniques, I want to overcome whatever's
(07:46):
been holding me back.
I am a, I'm an overachiever.
Give me the tools, and that's why you're
spending time here.
So I want to give you the tools to have a
sex life that keeps you younger, makes you
live longer and gives you a happier life
than someone who gives up on their sex life
(08:06):
because they didn't get the information.
Hilary Russo (08:08):
Now you got people really curious,
including myself, because, yes, the idea
that it's easy to just have sex, the sexual
act, but truly having the intimacy and the
arousal and the orgasms is, is we sometimes
look at it that it's hard to get that?
(08:29):
It's hard to get that because life gets in
the way.
It's hard to get that because I've been
through my traumas.
It's hard to get that because I don't
really, even when I ask what I want, I'm
not getting what I want.
But can we simplify this?
Like, how do we get to that place to where
it's an experience that both parties
involved are going to just really connect
and say more of that, please?
(08:50):
Yeah.
Susan Bratton (08:51):
There's three legs to the stool.
So when you're looking at the big, big, big,
big picture, what's the 10,000 foot
perspective on your understanding?
How to have that what I call sex span?
Extending your sex span, not just your
health span, but your sex span.
Great sex that keeps getting better your
whole life long.
(09:11):
Because for me, at 63 now, I'm having the
best sex of my life and there is absolutely
no question in my mind that it's going to
continue to get better, because I've been
on a 20 plus year trajectory of it getting
better.
I have more skills, more confidence, more
orgasmic pleasure and intensity.
So how do you do this?
(09:32):
How do you get on what I like to call the
upward pleasure spiral?
It's like transforming friction.
My genitals rubbing together gives me an
orgasm, all right, it does.
Gives me an orgasm All right it does.
But it's like friction into connection,
into a depth of soulful, passionate
intimacy where you get so turned on for
(09:53):
each other and you're just in this place
where the world falls away and you're
playing off of each other.
And it's the kind of sex that makes you
feel like you can touch source.
It's the kind of sex that makes you look
forward to the next time instead of ugh.
I know I've got to have sex with him and I
just don't feel like it.
Hilary Russo (10:15):
Can I touch on one thing?
You just said, connecting to source, and it
reminds me I've had people on the show talk
about libido before, even tantric sex.
Is it similar to that where we're talking
about the tantric side of things?
Because, connecting to source and the soul,
self, and that experience where both of you
are just feeling that energy.
Susan Bratton (10:35):
Yeah, source is a word for Another word for
Gaia, which is another word for God, which
is another word for the conscious
connection we all have to each other, thing
(10:57):
that has held us back from having the kind
of passionate intimacy that we have wanted
our whole lives but given up.
Believing is available to us, and that's
because when you have super passionate sex
(11:17):
you can actually through orgasmic pleasure,
ecstatic bliss, you can actually feel like
you touched God, gaia, source, whatever it
might be.
That's what tantric lovemaking is.
It is the kind of orgasmic ecstasy that
makes you see God, and churches want to
(11:39):
shut that shit down, because if you're
seeing God through loving someone else,
you're not coming into church to see God
there.
And that's why religious repression has
been to say that sex is for procreation
only.
And then it becomes patriarchal.
(12:00):
We become we're supposed to have sex
instead of we want to, because we're wildly
erotic goddesses, and all of that is
repression that we need to break free from
as best we can in this lifetime.
If you believe in afterlife, I mean I
personally don't, but I like the concept.
(12:21):
It sounds great.
I just haven't gotten to that as an actual
possibility for myself.
Hilary Russo (12:28):
I'm more concerned with this life.
Susan Bratton (12:30):
Me too.
I'm very concerned with this life, and so
even when I say the word sex, people think
intercourse, we've got to have sex, all
right, I've got to have intercourse.
That's what sex, because of that
patriarchal, religious repression.
But sex, and we think about it as foreplay
and sex and it's like, but wait a minute,
if we had matriarchal pleasure, if we were
(12:53):
female focused on pleasure, we'd go at the
timeframe of the female body.
We're currently thinking there's something
wrong with us as women because we're not
always horny, initiating sex coming within
two to three minutes, all the stuff that
(13:14):
men's bodies do, and we don't ever see any
images of that in pornography or the media.
All we see is men's arousal pattern and we
think there's something wrong with us.
And so what I really like to explain is
that, if you think about libido, desire and
arousal, libido- is your health.
(13:35):
If you're not healthy, you don't have a
libido.
The minute you start feeling like, oh, sex
is maybe something I could be interested in,
your health is returning.
Desire is the emotional body.
How do you feel about yourself?
With all the issues so many people struggle
with around self-worth, around body image,
(13:56):
around trauma, no wonder desire is
suppressed.
And then, how do you feel about your
partner?
Are they satisfying you outside the bedroom?
Because it's very hard to feel connected in
the bedroom if you are frustrated outside
the bedroom.
For most people they have a hard time
bifurcating that.
(14:16):
And then arousal is men.
They get nighttime erections, they wake up
with morning wood.
They are naturally testosterone dominant,
they're very goal oriented and they have
fast acting hemodynamics, which is blood
flow.
The blood flow needs to go into their penis
very quickly, into the spongy tissue
chambers.
(14:37):
And if I took the spongy tissue chambers
out of a penis and put it on my hand, it
would cover my hand.
It's all sponge in there and the blood
needs to flow in and push the smooth muscle
tissue to lock off and hold the blood in
there and hold that firm erection.
Well, we women have the same amount of
erectile tissue in our vulva.
(15:00):
We have three sponges, just like our
male-bodied partners do.
They have two corpus cavernosum and one
corpus spongiosum.
We have a clitoral, urethral and perineal
sponge that wraps around our vagina.
The tip of the clitoris goes into a shaft,
goes into two arms, goes into two bulbous
legs, if you will.
Our urethral sponge, which is called a spot,
(15:22):
a G-spot, it's not a spot.
Our urethral sponge, which is called a spot,
a G spot, it's not a spot, it's a long tube
of tissue and a perineal sponge on the
bottom of the floor of our vagina.
So we're literally wrapped in erectile
tissue, but we're estrogen dominant, which
means we're the prey, not the predator,
which means we don't feel safe.
So things need to be really safe for us to
let down, get out of our head and into our
(15:42):
body.
We need time for that.
We need to be soothed because we are
running, scared and multitasking as
estrogen dominant women.
Hilary Russo (15:54):
It's just how we all are.
Susan Bratton (15:56):
And we have all these nooks and crannies
that our erectile tissue goes into and it
doesn't lock off like the penis.
So it seeps into all of that tissue but if
we're stressed out the seeping doesn't work
and we don't get full erectile function as
(16:17):
women.
And often what's happened for women is, if
they're in a relationship with their
partner, their partner's pissed at them
because they never initiate.
They have to feel like they have to do all
the work.
Then they feel rejected, then they're in
victimhood.
She feels guilty because she doesn't want
sex.
She's responsive rather than spontaneous.
You've heard these words.
I'm sure many people have now and she is
(16:42):
always worrying about everything.
That's just natural for women.
We have our eye on a lot of.
We're very multitasking and so we're not
calmed down.
And we need to get calmed down and in our
body, for the blood to actually flow, for
our tears to let down, for our mouth to get
moist and saliva to run, for our breasts to
let down, we need hissing, we need breast
(17:03):
play, we need outer touch, not just
penetration.
And because we've been rushing ourselves,
we think there's something wrong with our
libido, when there's not a damn thing wrong
with it other than we haven't been made
love to the way we, as female-bodied people
need.
And so, even though I have 20 years of
(17:24):
confident sexual maturation and skills mad
skills I can come 20 different ways.
I've done everything and anything.
I'm very comfortable with it all.
I am an experimenter, I am a sexual
biohacker.
I have really kept my genitals in fantastic
(17:47):
working order.
Even now I have to say to myself okay, well,
I'm getting a yoni massage for my husband.
I'm completely relaxed.
Oh, is it taking me too long?
No, girl, just let her get turned on my
yoni, which is a tantric lovemaking word
for our entire female genital system.
(18:08):
I like it better than vulva, which is the
outsider, vagina, which is just the inside.
We've got all this tissue we need to
account for and the spiritual connection to
that tissue as well, the seat of our power.
And so I just have to sometimes tell myself
hey, just give yourself the time, you'll
get she always gets there what she need.
(18:30):
Tell your husband what she's telling you.
He accommodates, he knows, he's not in a
rush, he's patient, he won't even have a
quickie with me.
He's like no, you know, you know you're
going to get mad at me.
She'll get a little chip on her shoulder If
I do that.
I'm not having quickies with you.
No, no.
So you have to learn to slow down.
When guys say to me what's the number one
(18:50):
sex trick, I say slow down, turn around,
come back and get us and do the heavy
lifting to help us get turned on, because
once we're turned on, we can really go and
go and go and go.
And we don't want you to shut us down for
that either, by the way, right.
Hilary Russo (19:06):
I do have some male listeners here as well
and those who identify as.
How can we support both sides here?
Because obviously, you know, I'm listening
to you and I'm thinking there are times
when men, and mostly they're going to come
faster.
And so how do you create this dance where
(19:27):
you are pulling back a little bit and
creating that beautiful dance communication,
that intimate communication, to where it
becomes pleasurable for both?
Susan Bratton (19:39):
So first thing is that if a guy feels like
he comes too fast, he can learn a technique
that I teach called the me breath.
I teach this with Jim Benson and the me
breath is an ancient Taoist strategy for
gassing and breaking your urge to ejaculate
so that you can last as long as she wants
you to, as long as she is enjoying herself,
(20:01):
and it's called getting ejaculatory choice,
the me breath.
And if you go to tuningforktipcom, that
will explain what the me breath is and the
tuning fork.
Analogy is that when you can get in your
turn on instead of holding back because
you're worried about ejaculating too soon,
when you can show her your turn on instead
of holding back because you're worried
about ejaculating too soon, when you can
show her your turn on and excitement
(20:22):
instead of just doing her, you're actually
being with her.
There's that interplay.
Then it's like you, your tuning fork put up
next to her, your turn on will resonate and
turn her on.
So many guys are like strategizing in their
heads instead of being in their hearts and
in their penis.
Hilary Russo (20:41):
Well, we'll add that link to the notes of
this podcast episode, definitely.
I know we have a lot of things we're going
to be adding to the notes of this podcast,
specifically just talking about how can we
elevate that arousal to create the
connection, and I know you have these three
points that you want to talk about.
So we want to go back to that.
(21:01):
Yeah, well, we can circle back to that.
Susan Bratton (21:02):
Yeah, I'll just answer the rest of the this
question and then we can go back.
Great, the thing to do is to stop thinking
about sex as intercourse and to think about
sex as intimate pleasure.
Yeah, so, holding each other full body
massage, having some connection and
(21:22):
conversation to get things off your chest,
yoni massage, lingam massage, oral
pleasuring and intercourse, integrating
toys, maybe a vibrating penis ring or a
little vibrator while you're penetrating
her, or whatever it might be.
Lots of kissing, lots of breast play, lots
(21:45):
of touch, because what you're trying to do
is generate her letdown, but also co-create
a lot of oxytocin, because the oxytocin is
the counter to cortisol, the stress hormone.
That's right.
And so when you have orgasms, you're
getting this big charge of oxygen to your
brain.
(22:06):
You're getting a vascular event, you're
getting mood improvement, you're balancing
the cortisol.
You're even promoting immune support, like
natural killer cells and IgA and T cells
and endorphins that get rid of pain and the
semen.
If you're in a pair bonded couple and
(22:28):
you're ejaculating inside her, she's
getting spermidine and testosterone and
serotonin and luteinizing hormone and all.
I mean we are very symbiotic.
Plus, you're getting strength and stamina
and flexibility and all these I mean we go
to yoga.
How about some doggy style?
(22:51):
That's some good downward dog right there
right.
Hilary Russo (22:54):
Well, my question would be for those who
might be a little uncomfortable with this
conversation.
You know there, there might be listeners
out there that are like this is not in my
game, looking around, like, is anyone
listening to me, listening to this?
And we hear you.
I mean, I know you're out there and that's
okay too.
How do we find that comfort, or how do you
take that first step to experiment, to play,
(23:18):
to try something outside of what's your
comfort zone?
Susan Bratton (23:23):
Yeah, perfect.
Well, the first thing is that what I have
found with people is that the large
majority, large majority of people, when
they hear me speak, they're like, oh whoa,
she's so comfortable talking about this
stuff.
And that's just because I do it regularly,
and it becomes comfortable when you do it.
Sex is a mastery skill, just like cooking.
(23:44):
The more you cook, the better your food
tastes.
It's exactly the same.
And so you hearing me now, you can handle
it.
You're a grownup, this is big person.
Talk, you can handle it.
I haven't said anything that is, you know,
like weird or what have you.
It's like this is what we do, so we should
(24:04):
be able to talk about it.
And that brings me back to the three things.
See if we segue well done, Hilary so
there's three legs of the set, the
fantastic sex life that keeps getting
better.
Three legs of that platform.
One is communication skills.
Do you know what you want?
(24:25):
Can you ask for it?
Does your partner love to hear what you
want?
Can you talk about fantasies?
Can you tell them what is hot about them?
Can you hear them tell you what's hot about
you?
Are you comfortable moaning and making
sounds and giving feedback in the bedroom?
If you're not comfortable with any of those
things, you could just learn how to do them.
(24:46):
Practice makes perfect.
Try it three times.
It's very easy.
I'll give you a book.
Dirtytalkbookcom is my book.
That is how to Talk Dirty Without Feeling
Weird.
It is five techniques that bring worship,
adoration, pleasure and communication into
the bedroom in ways that are not yucky but
(25:08):
are really hot.
Love that, and that's very important.
And then the second leg of the stool is
technique 20 kinds of orgasms, Susan.
How did you do that?
How could there be 20 kinds of?
I mean 20 kinds of orgasms, Susan.
How did you do that?
How could there be 20 kinds of?
I mean?
I've heard of like clitoral and vaginal and
things like that.
What are you even taught?
This is where you can just keep learning
(25:29):
and learning and learning and expanding
your techniques, and the best thing that I
can tell you about techniques is to develop
a sex life bucket list.
If you are lucky enough to have a partner,
if you go to sexlifebucketlistcom that's
another resource.
I give you a PDF you can print out and then
(25:51):
I do a little 40 minute video.
And this is your first erotic play date are
48 erotic playdates that I walk you through
each one in the video, so you can just pop
open your laptop or your phone in bed, have
your printouts, walk through it with me and
then mark them a, b or c.
(26:12):
Oh, that is definitely going on my bucket
list.
I want to find my G spot or whatever it
might be Right, yeah, and B is well.
It wouldn't be for me, but if you want to
become a multi-orgasmic man, I want to
support you in having full body energy
orgasms so you have ejaculatory choice and
can last as long as you want.
That sounds great.
Hilary Russo (26:32):
Yeah, and this is something you can even do
with your partner in bed sitting there with
your laptop open and then the laptop goes
flying off the bed because you're putting
things into action.
Exactly Right Idea into action.
Okay, love that.
Susan Bratton (26:46):
And then your C.
You mark some of them as Cs, which is it's
not for me right now, but never say never.
And nothing on the sex life bucket list is
yucky, it's not going to make you feel
weird and what it gives you is these 48
ideas.
And then you take your A's and your
partner's A's and you merge them together
and then instead of like, well, I know I
need to have sex, we should schedule sex.
(27:07):
You're like oh, we're going to try that new
Pulse Queen Yoni vibrator while you give me
a Yoni massage and see how that feels and
see if we can get me to full engorgement,
like Susan Bratton talked about.
And then we'll have intercourse and we'll
do like a split test and I'll tell you is
it better?
Did I have a better orgasm?
Did I finally have an orgasm from
(27:28):
intercourse?
Because we did that thing.
And so it's a way for you to kind of start
to think about developing that new
relationship energy in the bedroom again,
because no matter how long you've been
together, you can always have a renaissance
in your relationship and you can have many
of them over the years.
(27:48):
You might fall off or have some problems,
and then you come back together and it's
better than ever.
So I think the techniques are very
important and that's what the sex life
bucket list is kind of about.
It's like how do you learn?
What do you want to learn next, so that
your sex life can keep getting better?
And then the third leg of that platform is
(28:10):
essentially this sex ban idea of ageless
sexuality.
So, okay, I'm in my 50s.
I feel like maybe my clitoris has atrophied
a little bit.
I'm having a little bit more of a struggle
achieving an orgasm.
I noticed that there's some vaginal laxity.
(28:31):
I'm starting to feel like a little
incontinence.
I don't know, it just seems like my
genitals raging.
My husband I noticed that not only is he
not as firm as he used to be, it takes him
a lot longer to get hard and then he
struggles to maintain an erection and,
honestly, it looks like he's gotten smaller,
like his penis is shrinking.
(28:52):
What can we do about that?
And that's where you get into the
regenerative therapies like Gaines Wave.
I'm a spokesperson for them.
I like to talk about them because it's a
treatment you go in and get done that uses
this acoustic wave little wand over the
genital erectile tissue and that stimulates
(29:13):
new tissue growth and it basically reverses
the atrophy of aging.
If you keep your genitals in good order or
do regenerative therapy to them, you learn
new techniques and you work on your
communication skills.
Hilary Russo (29:32):
This is how you go the distance with your
sex span those three things, and this is so
important because in this day and age,
fortunately, as women get older especially,
we start or women do start questioning
themselves or sexuality.
Am I still going to be able to do this?
(29:53):
Is my body still in good working order?
Even though they say that we reach our
prime later, there's a point where it's
like my body's changing, my mind's changing,
and you know we talk a lot about longevity
in this day and age as well, but we're not
really talking about the sexual longevity.
So I love that you're touching on that.
That's what I talk about.
That's what I love that you're talking
about Cause we don't hear a lot about that.
And it's all working together, this
(30:15):
beautiful vehicle of ours, so that's
wonderful.
Can we talk about the one product that I
know that you want to share with my
audience, which could really up the game?
Susan Bratton (30:28):
Yes, so many women deal with loss of
internal lubrication in the vaginal canal
and that's estrogen decline, it's loss of
nitric oxide production and it's also being
rushed to sex.
They have melts which are little inserts
(30:50):
that are made of cocoa butter and CBD.
You can buy non-CBD.
There are a few people who are like I don't
want CBD for one reason or another.
Hilary Russo (30:57):
You can buy these from Foria.
Susan Bratton (30:57):
Everything that I'm saying also comes CBD
free, but I love the CBD.
It's phytocannabinoids that trigger our
body's endocannabinoid system to create
that mind yoni connection the pleasure
healing pathway of our own endocannabinoid
system.
We have endocannabinoid receptors in the
(31:18):
vulva and they trigger pleasure.
So it's like a kickstart to your sensation
and the melts melt inside the vagina and
cocoa butter is full of oleic acid, which
is what your good vaginal bacteria want to
eat.
It's very healthy and it coats the tissue
in a way where it's hard to get lube up
(31:41):
inside you.
So this is a way to get the cocoa butter
and the CBD and the botanicals up inside
you.
They even have relief melts for women who
are very, very dry from menopause and just
need more moisture.
And then the outside outside, you rub on
what their product called Awaken Arousal
(32:02):
Oil.
It's not a lube, it's an arousal oil that
uses botanicals and CBD and MCT oil, which
comes from coconuts, but it's not coconut
oil.
Coconut oil creates proteins and little
sticky things and it can be disruptive to
the vaginal microbiome because it's
(32:23):
naturally antibacterial.
Mct oil is refined and doesn't have any
negative properties.
It's positive.
It's actually the ketones for your brain.
So the Awaken you just put a couple drops
on and you or your partner can rub them on
the outer vulva, on the clitoral shaft and
tip, and that starts sending signals to
(32:44):
your brain oh, oh, okay, oh, I'm feeling it,
that's nice.
And then their sex oil is on top of
everything, all the slide and glide that
you want.
Do you have to use all three?
No, is it a ritual that becomes very
sensual for couples?
(33:05):
Yes, and so I recommend the pleasure
protocol, the three things used together
every time.
No, you don't have to use it, but try it
together.
It's the bomb.
And the thing that I don't like, I cannot.
This is not a sexual lubricant, sexual.
This is sex oil melts and awaken arousal
(33:29):
oil.
And the thing to understand about sexual
lubricants is that they are an FDA class
two managed product, and so they must have
preservatives in them, which is why I do
not like them, because I don't want to put
sodium benzoate on my vagina, because it's
(33:53):
mucus membrane.
It's the same as your mouth.
If I wouldn't put in my mouth, if I
wouldn't put KY put in my mouth, if I
wouldn't put ky jelly in my mouth, why
would I put it on my vulva?
I would never, and so what I like about the
pleasure protocol is that it's three
beautiful, clean products that work
together, create a ritual, calm and soothe
(34:17):
you, awaken your arousal and when you spend
the time having your partner put something
on you like that, it just allows you to
kind of like ease into connection and
loving.
Yeah, I love that the difference between
that and someone just like spitting or
(34:37):
something.
Hilary Russo (34:38):
Smooth it on you right, Smother it.
Susan Bratton (34:40):
That's disgusting.
Hilary Russo (34:40):
And I love that you call it a ritual, like
you're creating a ritual that sounds so
beautiful.
In that, just in that, it sounds like a
process that you're connecting and
communicating.
So I know that those of you tuning in are
going how do I get my hands on this product?
(35:02):
So we are going to put a link to that the
for you in the notes of this podcast
episode.
Grab yourself some.
Susan is generously sending me some.
Yeah, I'm very excited to incorporate it,
because create those new rituals with your
partner.
You know, experiment with yourself first.
You know everything starts with self.
It's the self love first.
So love this, Susan.
You've shared so much great content here
and I do want to mention one thing, folks,
we have not said.
(35:23):
Susan calls herself the orgasmonaut.
You love that.
Susan Bratton (35:28):
You're so cute.
Hilary Russo (35:28):
I just had to throw that out there.
So you're learning from like a NASA
inspired, she's the orgasminaut for you, in
addition to being the intimacy expert to
millions.
But if you are looking for some way to amp
things up and I don't just mean like I
don't want to make it sound less this is a
beautiful process.
(35:49):
We are meant to connect.
We are human creatures, we are meant to
connect and you shared so much unbelievable
information to create that pleasure
potential, that orgasmic pleasure potential,
and you know some people who might have
been through traumatic experiences where
they struggle with that.
(36:09):
It's really creating, like you said, it's a
safe space first.
It's always creating that safe space.
So I want to make sure that folks know it's
all about creating a safe space first in
your partnership, in your own life, and
know that there are tools and there are
people that can help you with that.
So thanks for being a big part of that.
Susan, we're going to do some rapid fire
(36:31):
here.
Orgasminaut, I'm ready, okay, you're ready.
I'm going to throw out a word.
I'm ready, okay, you're ready.
I'm going to throw out a word, first word
that comes to mind, bring it on back.
It's just rapid fire, word association and
boy, oh boy.
I am so curious to see what you're going to
come back with.
This might be the most fun rapid fire I've
ever done.
You ready, yeah, okay, here we go Orgasmic.
Susan Bratton (36:56):
Buffet.
Hilary Russo (36:59):
Libido.
Susan Bratton (37:00):
Desire and arousal All right.
Sex ban, hot sex till the day you die.
Hilary Russo (37:09):
Pleasure.
It is impossible for you to come up with
one word, isn't it?
Yes, pleasure, yes, oh.
Your word back is yes.
Oh, my God, you're hilarious.
Intimacy, slow Desire.
Susan Bratton (37:33):
Being held.
Hilary Russo (37:35):
Oh, I felt that Safety Warm candlelight,
okay, orgasminaut.
Susan Bratton (37:46):
Silver, lame.
Hilary Russo (37:48):
Silver.
Oh, that's right If you're just tuning in.
Susan had actually told me that that is
part of your costume.
Susan Bratton (37:57):
Like my little costume.
Yeah, I wear a little space costume, yeah.
Hilary Russo (38:00):
I love it.
That's, I'm like envisioning that right now,
and it's, it's giving me.
It's giving me giggles.
I love it.
Okay, last word, I don't know if I said
this um sex Love.
Yeah, it always comes back to love, right?
So wait?
Susan Bratton (38:14):
final word love.
Hilary Russo (38:15):
It always comes back to love, right?
So wait, final word love.
What's the final word?
Expansion.
Oh, there's always room for more, right?
Always, Always.
Susan, I love this.
This is so great.
I want to give you a moment to share a
final thought with those tuning into
HIListically Speaking.
Susan Bratton (38:34):
Yeah, we've covered a lot of ground and you
might be thinking to yourself I don't even
know where to start.
I've given you the big picture, the 10,000
foot view of you know.
It's learning to communicate.
It's learning pleasure skills and thinking
about your sex life as something that
benefits your longevity and your happiness
(38:56):
throughout your life, and that it's less
about something that you have to do and
more about something that is not only good
for you and healing and nurturing and
calming, but it's also something that will
bring you pleasure over time for the rest
of your life.
(39:16):
So where to start?
I'd say, of all the things that I've talked
about, the sex life bucket list, just
printing that out and looking at it
yourself and saying where do I want to go?
Sexuality is so vast.
What's right for you right now?
Is that yoni massage sounding good?
Is it the embrace?
(39:37):
Is it sex positions?
Is it oral pleasuring?
Would you like to try some toys?
You'll know when you do your bucket list
what it is, where you are, maybe the next
steps on your own journey, in your own not
only sexual maturation, but sexual
emancipation from all of the repression
(39:59):
that you've grown up under that's affected
you in so many ways, to take back your
pleasure as your birthright?
Yeah, and one of the most important things
in this life, in addition to the love of
family and friends.
Art and music and nature, these are the
gifts of our humanity.
And your art and music and nature, these
are the gifts of our humanity, and your
(40:21):
sexuality is one of them.
Don't let people take it from you.
Take it back step by step.
Hilary Russo (40:28):
Yeah, it's choice.
Love that Absolutely beautiful bucket list.
We're gonna put all this in the podcast
notes, Susan, such a pleasure to have you
here.
Thank you, Hilary.
I, uh and I'm putting emphasis on the word
pleasure, yeah, this is juicy, my friends.
So much that we shared with you during this
(40:50):
episode, with Susan Bratton, from her books
to her bucket list, and even giving you
some extra products to try.
So make sure you check out those links that
are in the notes of this podcast episode.
If you are looking to elevate your intimacy,
we can all be orgasminauts if we want to,
right.
(41:10):
And if you know someone who might find this
episode a must have which I imagine is just
about everyone Go ahead and pay it forward,
share it, pass it along.
Don't forget to leave a rating and review.
And look, you might want to reference back
to this episode at some time, so consider
downloading it as well, so it's right there
when you need it most.
(41:32):
HIListically, Speaking is edited by Two
Market Media, with music by Lipbone Redding
and, of course, supported by you.
So thank you On that note.
Thank you for putting yourself first, for
choosing to hug it out with yourself day
after day, so that you can enjoy the best
things in life, including those intimate
(41:52):
moments that start between the sheets.
I love you, I believe in you and I'm
sending hugs your way, be well.
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Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.