Spotting Subtle Signs Of Toxic Relationships Before They Spiral

Welcome to this week's Blonde Intelligence, I am your host Ms. Roni and I always seek to give you exquisite cranial repertoire. Red flags rarely arrive as flashing sirens—they tiptoe in as jokes that sting, plans that shift without warning, and friends you “should” see less. We dive into the anatomy of toxic dynamics and map how gaslighting, secrecy, and intermittent affection reshape your sense of self until the relationship sets the terms of your reality. Pulling examples from reality TV and everyday life, we unpack why hot-cold reinforcement is so addictive, how attachment styles fuel the chase, and what it takes to reclaim clarity when your peace keeps getting taxed.

I walk through practical tools that move beyond vague advice. You’ll hear how to set boundaries that name behaviors—like “do not check my phone without asking”—and how to use I statements to state needs without escalating blame. We talk through what healthy privacy looks like compared to secrecy that controls money, time, or information, and how to respond when transparency is refused. There’s space for tough truths too: if someone brags about “hitting below the belt,” that’s not passion, that’s a pattern that calls for skills, support, or separation.

You’ll get actionable steps for rebuilding a support network, documenting patterns to counter self-doubt, and working with therapy to break cycles of criticism and withdrawal. When control escalates, we outline safety planning, from storing vital documents to contacting local services. Most of all, we center a simple standard: if your peace is the price of admission, the relationship is too expensive. Listen to learn the signs, gather the words, and choose a path that protects your dignity and future.

If this resonated, follow the show, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review—your voice helps others find the clarity they deserve.

@rroneice @BlondeIntelligence #BlondeIntelligence #BoundariesNotBarter #GaslightToGlowUp #PeaceOverPrice

Support the show

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_01 (00:03):
Learn about the indie artist from the indie
artist.

SPEAKER_03 (00:06):
I'm Shannon Key.
I'm an artist.
My name is Lauren, as youalready said.
I am a singer-songwriter.
So I'm all femmes.
I originally come from theCaribbean, St.
Vincent, the Grenadines.

SPEAKER_02 (00:17):
My name is Brian Dusev.
I'm an East Coast Canadianrocker.

SPEAKER_01 (00:23):
And then I found myself in Las Vegas, where I'm
at currently, for dancing forCircle Du Soleil with my own
solos.
I also learned from musicindustry professionals.

SPEAKER_03 (00:33):
I'm a music producer.
I've been producingprofessionally for about 14
years.
I have uh worked with a couplepeople in the industry.
Uh Gregmy nominated, Trev Rich,Misha from 702.

SPEAKER_02 (00:46):
After I got my deal with Universal Music, after the
Alicia Keys and Gunner Record,and many other that I've done,
and then Alicia Keys was thenumber one adult RB song of the
year.

SPEAKER_01 (00:58):
I asked the question.

SPEAKER_02 (01:00):
That's a great question.

SPEAKER_01 (01:02):
Yeah, it's a good question.

SPEAKER_02 (01:05):
Ooh, uh, that is a good question.
Wow.
I love all these questions.
These are great.
Like most of the questions thatI get are like, you know, tell
me about Justin Bieber.

SPEAKER_01 (01:16):
Indie Artist Music Hustle is for the indie artists,
their fans, industryprofessionals, and the music
lover.
Subscribe on YouTube, Facebook,or the podcast on Apple,
Spotify, Pandora, or BlondeIntelligence Facebook page.
Don't forget to add me to yourplaylist.
Bye.

(01:37):
Really funny, especially hopingsomeone across the pond.
Let's go.
Welcome to this week's BlondeIntelligence.
I'm your host, Miss Ronnie, andI always seek to give you
exquisite cranial repertoire.
This week I'm gonna talk alittle bit about uh a subject
that a couple of commentatorsthat I like to listen to on

(02:00):
YouTube talked about.
And they were totally differentbut reverted back to the same
subject, which was toxicrelationships.
So one of the commentators is atarot reader by the name of Blue
Nola Tarot.
She was talking about Prishonand Blueface, and the other is a

(02:21):
commentator by the name ofVoodoo Doll TV, for which I've
mentioned her before, and shetalks about scenarios within
reality TV and gives her comicaltake on it.
But she was talking about VoodooDoll TV was talking about um
that she calls some of the womenon Love and Hip Hop Miami La

(02:44):
Dummy.
And I know that the basis oflove and hip hop is to showcase
talent and the other side ofbeing in love with someone in, I
would say, the music industry,whether it's being the artist or
whether it's being the mama, orbecause no word, a baby mama is

(03:06):
just a lot.
And Blue Nolatero was talkingabout the toxicity in Blueface
and Krishan's relationship, andthat she felt, and this was a
reading that she done a whileago, that she referred back to
in a current reading, that whenhe got out of jail that they
would be together, and that umit would be short-lived, for

(03:29):
which we see that it is now.
But I was just wondering, dopeople even look at the subtle
signs of a toxic relationship?
And all the time it's not for TVin everyday life, partners do
things to their partners, andsometimes it makes you wonder is

(03:55):
that person in a relationship bythemselves?
Subtle signs of a toxicrelationship often start small
and can be easy to dismiss, butover time they steadily
undermine a person's autonomy,self-esteem, and emotional
safety.

(04:15):
Psychologically, these signsinclude chronic criticism and
gaslighting, emotionalmanipulation, boundary erosion,
isolation from friends andfamily, and inconsistent
affection.
For example, let's look just useuh Krishna and and and Blueface.

(04:41):
There's a lot of criticism onboth sides, especially on Mad
Day and a lot of gaslighting.
And people don't think thatemotional manipulation is a big
thing.
But if it tears on your peace ofmind or disturbs your peace,

(05:06):
then it's part of a toxicrelationship.
For example, a partner whorepeatedly jokes about your
choices in a way that makes youdoubt yourself, then denies it
when you bring it up, isengaging in gaslighting.
Such as, I have, and I'm notbeing funny, but I have noticed
this from black men.
They'll mess with a woman andthey'll be like, leave me alone,

(05:29):
leave me alone.
And they keep on, and when thewoman gets mad, then it's like,
I was just trying to get a riseout of you.
I have always been one to saythat if your rise is at my
expense, then you might not needto do that because I'm good for
walking off and leaving.
Another common pattern isgradual isolation.

(05:53):
A partner suggests that youspend less time with a friend
because they know them better,which slowly cuts you off from
support networks and increasesdependencies.
And I even think about um MaryJ.
Bly song, No More Crying.
Mary J.
Blige's song, no more crying.
And she talked about how thatman didn't want her around

(06:18):
friends and family.
And even with men, if they don'twant you around their family.
That's an issue too.
So I just it's it's like classicthings, but I think as as the

(06:41):
Bible says the world gets morewickeder and wiser, people find
more ways to just be evil totheir partners for no reason.
Especially when I see it on youknow, on reality TV.
But think about all the storiesthat people have that are not on

(07:03):
reality TV.
So the next one is secrecy.
Secrecy can be a sign oftoxicity depending on the
context.
Now, people have to have healthyboundaries and privacy, which is
normal.
But secrecy that serves control,deception, or emotional

(07:27):
distancing is problematic.
For instance, hiding financialtransactions, lying about time
spent with others, ordeliberately withholding
important information aboutmajor decisions or secrecy
behaviors that indicate a lackof trust and respect.
Psychologically, secrecy used tomanipulate or conceal harmful

(07:52):
behavior increases anxiety anduncertainty in the other
partner, contributing topossible lowered self-worth.
Psychological mechanisms,psychological mechanisms that
sustain toxicity includecognitive distortion, which is
constant negative feedback,which can become internalized,

(08:14):
changing your own self-concept.
Attachment dynamics, anxious oravoidant attachment styles can
interact to produce cycles ofblame and withdrawals.
And I see that a lot in men.
They'll get hurt when they're16, 17 years old, and then try
to carry, say they carry thatout throughout their lives.

(08:36):
And anytime that a seriousrelationship comes up or
somebody being real with them,they want to run off and want to
go play.
So that right there is anavoidant attachment styles.
Reinforcement schedules,intermittent positive attention,
warmth, sometimes cold,sometimes hot, make it hard to
leave because people hope forgood moments to return.

(09:00):
So when people say you have touh outweigh the good, see if the
good outweighs the bad.
Sometimes people look for thegood and want to ignore the bad.
And I'm not one of those people.
I feel like it is what it is.
If you keep doing shit that Idon't like and shit to hurt me,
then I'm not finna stay aroundfor you to keep doing it.

(09:21):
That's just the bottom line.
Learned helplessness, repeatedfailed attempts to change a
partner's behavior can leadsomeone to accept mistreatment.
So if you say it to, hey, Idon't like when you do this
right here, and you're gonnakeep doing it after I done gave
your ass another chance, thenyou asking to, as Ray say, hit

(09:45):
the rope, Jack, and don't comeback no more.
Now, practical well, practicalsolutions and interventions.
Now, when I used to be a parenteducator, because I used to work
with uh parents who are in riskof losing their children for

(10:06):
child abuse and neglect.
And we had something that wetaught called I statements and
you blaming statements.
So if you're takingaccountability for something,
you don't start off with you,you, you.
You start off with I.

(10:27):
I feel like I don't like this.
So establish clear boundaries,name specific behaviors that are
unacceptable.
Do not check my phone withoutasking.
And state the consequencescommon.
Use assertive communication, Istatements to describe feelings
and needs.
I feel anxious when plans changewithout notice.

(10:50):
I need us to agree on changes inadvance.
Seek external support, maintainfriendships and family contacts,
reconnecting with social supportnetworks, reducing isolation and
provide perspective.
Couple therapy or individualtherapy, a trained clinician can
help identify maladaptivebehaviors such as cycles of

(11:14):
pursuit and withdrawal, andteach tools such as emotion
regulation, cognitiverestructuring, and a healthier
conflict resolution.
I dated a guy, we talked aboutwhen we would have
disagreements.
And I say I try to make it aconscious effort not to hit
below the belt, becausesometimes you can say things

(11:38):
that you can't come back from.
And he said, Well, I hit belowthe belt.
And I was like, Do you thinkthat's the right thing to do?
And he was like, At the time, Idon't care.
Okay.
In that situation, he needs tolook for a healthier conflict
resolution.
And if you feel like that yougotta hit below the belt with
people that you love, it's aproblem.

(11:59):
Safety planning.
If secrecy or control andbehavior escalates to stalking,
financial control, or physicalthreats, develop a safety plan
and contact local supportservices or authorities.
I know a girl that every timeshe tells her boyfriend that
she's gonna leave because she'sbeen thinking about it for

(12:21):
years, he'll say stuff to herlike, I guess you want to get
your ass beat first.
I don't understand why peoplethink that you're just gonna
allow that to happen.
So, examples to illustrateapplication.
Case A.
Leah's partner frequentlybelittles her choices about

(12:42):
university, but frames commentsas helpful advice.
Leah starts doubting heracademic goals, interventive.
Leah documents instances,discusses feelings with a
counselor, and sets a boundarythat such commentary is not
acceptable.
If it continues, she reducesshared decision making and seeks

(13:04):
couple therapy.
Now, I've seen this before.
I used to work with somebodythat had a friend that would
always say, You need to listento me.
I'm just trying to give you somehelpful advice on what you don't
need to trust.
I'm just trying to lead you inthe right direction.
And I told him, I said, he justwanna keep you where he is.

(13:24):
He don't want you to growwithout him.
But I'm a very straightforwardperson, so coming from me, you
know, it wasn't fully acceptedin the way that I was trying to
give helpful information.
But hopefully now that person C,because I'm gonna leave that at
that.

(13:44):
Case B, secrecy with financialcontrol.
Sam's partner makes largepurchases without telling Sam
and has joint accountstatements.
This secrecy undermines Sam'sfinancial autonomy.
Intervention.
Sam insists on transparentaccess to accounts, seeks

(14:06):
financial counseling, and placesshort-term limits on joint
spending while consideringseparation if secrecy persists.
And I don't know if peopleunderstand the thing about
secrecy.
Secrecy is lying.
You're withholding information.
If you were in the court of law,that would be a crime.

(14:27):
So I don't see why people feellike it's alright to do it in a
relationship, especially ifdirect questions are being asked
to you.
I don't like secrecy.
For me, secrecy is deceptive andit's grounds for termination.

(14:47):
That's just me.
Some people can go back andforgive some things.
I know sometimes people be wantto believe the good, as I said
earlier, and well, maybe it wasthis, and and maybe he didn't
tell me because of this.
No.
You know exactly what you wasdoing.
It's not a damn thing that youcan say about it, especially

(15:08):
when you know that you're doingstuff that the other person
won't like.
You can't like that person andwant to be in a relationship
with them if you're gonna doshit that you know they're not
gonna like.
And men do it a lot, especiallywhen they think that they
throwing a little change or theypaying a card note or they
taking care of this.
And that's the reason why I havealways been the type of woman
that like to make my own moneyand not have to ask nobody for

(15:30):
shit.
Because I am not gonna kiss yourass to get along with your face.
And that's all that I have foryou today.
And remember, you can catchBlonde Intelligence on our
podcasting platform, streaminglive on social media sometimes,
and you can catch your merch andanything about blonde

(15:51):
intelligence on the website atwww.blonde-intelligence.com.
And I will see you all nextweek.
Bye.

SPEAKER_00 (16:00):
Hey girl, let me tell you about this podcast.
Girl, everybody has a podcastthese days.
But this one interviews new andinteresting indie artists.
It's called Indie Artist MusicHustle with Blonde Intelligence.
Really?
Where can I find it?
It's on all podcastingplatforms, streams live on
social media and onrpentradio.com.

(16:21):
What'd you say it was calledagain?
It's called Indie Artist MusicHustle with Blonde Intelligence.
Girl, I'm gonna have to checkher out.
Give it a check, girl.