April 2, 2026 • 16 mins
Were you taught that you are responsible for others emotions?
Maybe you were told things like “Don’t hurt their feelings,” “Go give them a hug or they’ll be sad,” or “You need to help them—that’s what good people do.” While these messages were often meant to teach kindness and empathy, many of us internalized something very different: that it’s our job to keep everyone else emotionally comfortable.
In this episode, life coach MaryAnn Walker explores the conditioning behind people-pleasing and emotional responsibility. You’ll learn the crucial difference between caring about someone’s feelings and believing you’re responsible for managing them, and why letting others experience their emotions is actually healthier for both of you.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode
- Why many people grow up believing they are responsible for other people’s emotions
- How childhood messages like “don’t hurt their feelings” shape people-pleasing behaviors
- The difference between compassion for someone’s feelings and taking responsibility for them
- How constantly managing others’ emotions can prevent them from developing emotional resilience
- Why people-pleasing often leads to burnout, resentment, and emotional exhaustion
- The hidden “silent contracts” that create resentment in relationships
- Why emotional maturity means taking responsibility for your own emotional experience
True kindness does not require sacrificing your own needs or constantly preventing other people from feeling uncomfortable. Healthy relationships happen when each person takes responsibility for their own emotions.
When you stop trying to manage everyone else’s emotional experience, something powerful happens:
You stop walking on eggshells.
You communicate more honestly.
And your relationships become healthier and more authentic.
Challenge for the Week
Start noticing two patterns in your life:
1️⃣ Where are you taking responsibility for someone else’s emotions?
Are you saying yes when you really want to say no? Avoiding honest conversations to prevent discomfort?
2️⃣ Where might you be expecting others to manage your emotions?
Are you waiting for someone else to change before you allow yourself to feel peaceful or happy?
Real emotional maturity happens when each person learns to manage their own emotional experience.
Recommended Episodes:
Guilt vs Discomfort for Highly Sensitive People https://www.buzzsprout.com/2028767/episodes/18327300
The Stories we Tell Ourselves & The Meanings We Create: Separating Fact from Fiction https://www.buzzsprout.com/2028767/episodes/18113784
Ayni: Sacred Reciprocity in Relationships https://www.buzzsprout.com/2028767/episodes/17895032
How to Stop Fixing, Controlling and Over-Accomodating Everyone https://www.buzzsprout.com/2028767/episodes/17147279
Work With Me
If this episode resonates with you and you’re realizing how much energy you’ve spent managing other people’s emotions, you’re not alone. This is exactly the work I help my clients with.
Together we can help you:
- Stop feeling responsible for everyone else’s moods
- Learn how to regulate and manage your own emotions
- Communicate your needs with confidence
- Create healthier, more balanced relationships
Join my waitlist by emailing me at maryann@maryannwalker.life
or visit www.maryannwalker.life
to learn more.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker (00:42):
Well, hello and welcome back.
My name is MaryAnn Walker andI'm the life coach for those who
are starting to discover thatthey're investing a whole lot of
energy into managing otherpeople's emotions.
And today we're going to explorea bit of the conditioning behind
that because many of us wereraised to not only prioritize
other people's feelings over ourown, but we were also taught
either explicitly or implicitlythat we are responsible for
(01:05):
other people's emotions.
For example, maybe you were toldby a parent or a teacher, don't
hurt their feelings.
Now on the surface, and thissounds like good advice, right?
It sounds kind, it soundsconsiderate.
It sounds like something athoughtful person would do.
But for many people, then thatmessage, it didn't just teach us
to be considerate of otherpeople, but it taught us that we
are responsible for otherpeople's emotions.
(01:27):
And that's a very differentthing.
A lot of us were raised toprioritize other people's
feelings over our own.
For example, growing up, maybeyou heard things like,"well, you
better go give grandma, grandpa,aunt, uncle, whoever it is, you
better go give them a hug,goodbye.
Or else they'll be sad." Eventhough you were a kid who didn't
really like hugs.
Or maybe you were told.
"You need to include that kid sothat they don't feel left out,"
(01:48):
even though that particular kidwas kind of mean to you, and you
actually needed a break fromthem, not more engagement.
Or maybe you were told, Hey,well you can't say no to their
request.
You have to help them, even ifit's inconvenient for you.
That's what good people do.
Now, again, the intention behindthese messages was usually good.
Parents and teachers and clergy,they were trying to teach
(02:08):
kindness and empathy.
They were trying to teachconsideration and understanding.
But what many of us internalizedfrom these moments was, other
people's emotions are myresponsibility.
And when you grow up believingthat, then it really shapes how
it is that you move throughrelationships as an adult.
It creates kind of like ahypervigilance where"it is my
job to make sure that everybodyelse is okay and I can't be okay
(02:30):
until everybody else is okay."It creates a hypersensitivity to
other people's moods andemotions, and it creates a
belief that"if somebody is upsetit means that I'm not safe' or
it means"I have done somethingwrong.
I have failed in some way." Youstart to become somebody who
tries to anticipate everybodyelse's feelings so that you can
better manage them.
(02:51):
And then you get really busyacting on that, right?
So you're getting busy workingto prevent anybody from
experiencing any form ofdisappointment.
You're working hard to preventconflict by being super
agreeable and never letting onthat, oh, well, I actually feel
differently about this, or Imight prefer this.
You can't let them know becauseyour job is to be agreeable.
Otherwise, it might upsetsomebody.
You're working really hard toprevent the discomfort of
(03:13):
others.
Even if it's making you reallyuncomfortable.
And now you're making decisionsnot based on what actually works
for you, but you're makingdecision based on what is gonna
keep everybody else happy andemotionally comfortable.
But here is the really importantdistinction.
There is a big differencebetween having consideration for
(03:34):
someone's feelings and beingresponsible for those feelings.
And somebody having a negativeemotion...
it doesn't necessarily mean thatthere's anything wrong.
It just means that they'refeeling their feelings.
And that's okay.
And letting them feel theirfeelings.
It does not mean that you're abig fat jerk.
In fact, you can care about howsomebody else feels.
(03:54):
You can be thoughtful, you canbe compassionate.
You can even choose toaccommodate someone's request
when you're able to.
But that does not mean that youare personally responsible for
their emotional reactions.
If as we're driving down theroad, if my husband gets upset
with traffic, it is not my jobto fix it for him.
It is his job to learn how tomanage his emotions around
(04:15):
traffic.
If my teen doesn't like theirjob or doesn't like their
teacher, it is not myresponsibility to jump in and
fix it for them so they don'thave to experience any form of
discomfort.
Instead, it is theirresponsibility to learn how to
navigate their own emotions andsolve their own problems.
That's what helps us to bemature adults, is having those
opportunities.
(04:35):
If somebody asks me to dosomething for them and they get
upset when their timing doesn'tmatch with my timing, and I
can't help them out in the waythat they wanted me to, it is
not my job to change my scheduleand shift around my priorities
in order to calm them down.
Instead, it is theirresponsibility to feel their
feelings and come up withanother solution to their
(04:56):
problem.
Right?
I can still have compassionaround how frustrating it must
be to think that you have founda solution and that MaryAnn was
the answer, only to discoverthat, oh, you know what,
Maryanne's not gonna work outthis time, but it is not my job
to fix it for them.
Having compassion someone andbeing responsible for their
feelings are two very differentthings.
And this is where things startto get a little bit complicated
(05:17):
for people pleasers.
Because the truth is thathelping somebody when you
genuinely want to help, it canfeel so good.
Being generous, it feels sogood.
Being inclusive, it feels sogood being accommodating.
When it works for you, it canfeel so good.
But the moment that you startbelieving that you are now
somehow personally responsiblefor how somebody else feels,
(05:39):
then all of those things, theyjust land differently.
This is when your thoughts shiftfrom I want to, and I choose to,
to, well, I have to, and I'msupposed to.
It has a very differentemotional weight.
And then what used to felt likekindness and generosity, it's
now starting to feel like dutyand obligation.
And duty and obligation..
(06:00):
They don't feel good, right?
It feels heavy.
It feels like pressure.
It feels like you don't reallyhave a choice or a say in the
matter.
And over time, then thatpressure, it can turn into
burnout or resentment, whichisn't kind.
And guess what?
Resentment and burnout, they donot serve the relationship
either, so it's not actuallyhelping when you notice that
those emotions are coming in.
(06:21):
And there are two things thathappen when we take on the
responsibility of managing otherpeople's emotions.
The first thing is that when youconstantly manage somebody
else's emotional experience,then you're actually preventing
them from developing their ownemotional resilience.
In other words, you might thinkthat you're helping them, but
what you're actually doing ispreventing them from ever having
(06:43):
to feel and process their ownemotions.
It's kind of a little bit likehaving a swim instructor that
never actually lets theirstudents swim or even go near
the deep end.
And they may say no, butsomething bad might happen if I
let them do that.
And yeah, it might.
And if they aren't given theopportunity to learn how to
swim, if they're never exposedto the deep end, they will never
(07:04):
learn how to swim on their own.
Okay.
Another example.
Maybe you have a friend or afamily member who gets upset
whenever somebody disagrees withthem and because they don't know
how to manage their ownemotions, then everybody around
them, they're all trying tomanage their emotions for them.
So everyone around themconstantly avoids disagreeing
with them or even sharing analternative perspective.
And this might be aboutpolitics, religion, the stock
(07:26):
market, you name it.
But they're avoiding all thosesubjects just to keep this one
person comfortable.
And it can seem like a kindness.
But the truth is that nowthey're never going to have the
opportunity to learn how todevelop the skills needed to
handle a perceived disagreementor a difference of opinion.
And that's not actually servingthem.
And especially if they havefriends or family members who do
(07:48):
actually have different viewswhen it comes to religion and
politics and all those things,if they have different morals
and values and opinions.
So by everybody choosing to walkon eggshells around them,
they're never actually given theopportunity to learn that not
only is discomfort a part oflife, but it's absolutely
something that they can survive,right?
It's not a life or deathexperience here.
Not only that, but if they canlearn how to tolerate different
(08:11):
views and opinions over time,how much happier will not only
they be, but how much happierwill their friends and family
members be when they're actuallyfree to express themselves and
express that they actually viewthe world differently.
When we constantly manage otherpeople's emotions, we
unintentionally keep themtrapped in emotional childhood.
Because real emotional growthand maturity, it only happens
(08:32):
when people are allowed to feeltheir feelings and learn how to
work through them.
The second thing that happenswhen you believe that you're
personally responsible for howother people feel is that
there's often an unconsciousassumption that they're also now
responsible for how it is thatyou feel.
Doesn't everybody do that?
We're all supposed to just makesure everybody feels okay, and
that includes me.
(08:53):
You are now responsible for howI feel, which is actually a very
disempowering belief because nowyour happiness is not tied to
what is inside of you and withinyour control, but now your
happiness is tied to what isoutside of you and outside of
your control.
It is so easy to assume thatbecause I'm being so kind and
considerate of others' emotionsand I'm doing things for them
(09:15):
and I'm sacrificing for themthat they should do the same
thing for me.
And this expectation, it'srarely spoken out loud, but
instead it's kind of like asilent contract that we have
with other people, and it reallycan lead to a lot of resentment
when they do not follow ourinvisible manual for them.
So when this is happening, youmight find yourself thinking
things like.
"Really after all the thingsthat I've done for them, this is
(09:36):
the least that they could do."Or,"well, they should just know
what it is that I need rightnow.
Why aren't they showing up forme?" Or"why don't they put as
much effort into making me happyas I put into making them happy?
And that is when resentment canstart to build because now
you're living according to acontract that the other person
they never really agreed to,they have no idea what your
(09:56):
rules of engagement are forthem.
And if you wanna learn moreabout this, I will link a few
episodes in the show notes aboutmanuals and expectations because
This is a big deal and it cantake a while to kind of workshop
through that.
So check out the show and let'ssee if this resonates with you.
But for now, I want you to knowthat when you expect other
people to manage your emotionsrather than creating connection,
it's usually creating tensionand resentment.
(10:17):
Because if your emotional statedepends upon somebody else's
behavior, then your peace...
It's always going to be fragile.
Now, let me give you just areally simple example here.
Let's say that you tellyourself, well all feel happy
when my partner finally startshelping out more around the
house.
Now, if helping out around thehouse, then yeah, that is
absolutely a reasonable requestto make.
(10:38):
But if your happiness becomesdependent upon and conditional
upon them doing the dishes, thenyou have just handed over the
keys to your own emotionalexperience.
You've essentially said, well,my happiness will begin once you
start to behave the way that Iwant you to behave.
Until then, I'm gonna stayfrustrated in a relationship.
I'm gonna stay irritated, I'mgonna stay unhappy.
And now you are the one who isdelaying your own joy.
(11:00):
You could choose to justexperience joy now, but you have
made your capacity to feel joyconditional upon they're getting
the dishes done.
So another example might looklike this.
So imagine that somebody isposting something on social
media and then they'reconstantly checking their phone
to see how many people liked it.
When this happens then theiremotional state, it is rising
and falling based on how manypeople have responded.
(11:23):
If a lot of people have engagedwith their post, then they feel
really good about life.
But if no one is engaging, thenthey start to feel rejected or
unimportant.
They're allowing externalcircumstances to dictate if what
it is that they're sharing abouttheir life, if it's valid or
not.
So now their emotionalexperience, it is now dependent
upon something outside ofthemselves, and that's a really
(11:45):
unstable place to live inemotionally.
So today I want you to start tonotice two things in your life.
First, I want you to noticewhere you might be taking
responsibility for somebodyelse's emotions.
Where is it that you're peoplepleasing and placating just to
make somebody else happy, butwhen it's making yourself
miserable.
Right?
Are there situations where youfeel like it is your job to keep
somebody else from beingdisappointed?
Are there moments where you sayyes to something you don't
(12:07):
actually want to do becauseyou're trying to protect
somebody else from feelingupset?
Are there conversations thatyou're avoiding because you're
afraid that the other personmight feel uncomfortable?
Just kind of start to noticethose patterns.
Okay.
And then the second thing I wantyou to notice is the opposite
dynamic.
Notice if there are places whereyou are unintentionally putting
somebody else in charge of youremotional experience.
(12:28):
Are there moments where you'rewaiting to see how somebody else
shows up before you decide howyou're going to feel about a
situation?
Are you waiting for somebodyelse to validate you before you
allow yourself to feel confidentin yourself?
Are you waiting for somebodyelse to change before you allow
yourself to feel peace?
Because real emotional maturity,it looks far different from
that.
Okay?
Real emotional maturity isactually recognizing that every
(12:51):
single person is responsible fortheir own emotional experience.
This means that you get tomanage your emotions and they
get to manage theirs.
Now, this does not mean that westop caring about each other.
It doesn't mean that we stopbeing kind or thoughtful,.
But it does mean that we stoptaking ownership of emotions
that don't belong to us.
And interestingly enough, whenyou stop trying to control
(13:12):
everybody else's emotionalexperience, then your
relationships are going tobecome significantly healthier.
There's going to be morehonesty, there's going to be
more clarity, and there's goingto be significantly less silent
resentment because now everyoneis standing in their own
emotional responsibility.
All right.
One more quick story before wewrap up.
Before coaching, I was veryguilty of both attempting to
(13:33):
manage my husband's emotions andexpecting him to manage mine,
and I didn't even realize thisuntil I began coaching.
I didn't realize how often I hadthe silent expectation that my
husband show up for me incertain ways until my
expectations weren't met.
And I found myself feeling upsetand miserable and resentful.
And to be honest with you, itdid take some practice.
And at one point I did have totell my husband, I said, Hey,
(13:55):
I'm practicing being moreresponsible for my own emotions
and I'm practicing explicitlystating requests instead of just
expecting you to know what it isthat I want and expecting you to
mind read.
So I'm probably gonna be alittle bit clumsy as I learn to
manage my emotions and let youmanage your emotions.
And I'm probably gonna be clumsyas I work to practice stating
requests and making actualrequests instead of just
assuming that you'll know.
(14:15):
But.
Please be patient with me.
And guess what?
now I am way better at not overowning somebody else's emotional
experience, and I'm way betterat processing my own emotions.
Change is possible even ifyou've lived this way for a very
long time.
Lasting peace doesn't come fromconstantly managing everybody
else's emotional experience.
(14:36):
Lasting piece comes fromlearning how to regulate and
manage your own emotionsregardless of how other people
are showing up.
And when you start to do thatwork, then something really
amazing happens.
You stop feeling like you'rewalking on eggshells.
You stop feeling responsible foreverybody else's mood, and you
start showing up inrelationships with a lot more
confidence and authenticity.
(14:57):
So if today's conversation hasresonated with you, if you're
starting to realize that youhave spent a lot of your life
trying to manage everybodyelse's emotional experience, and
if the idea of letting that goreally creates a lot of emotions
for you that you don't wannadeal with, I want you to know
you were not alone.
Okay?
This is something I personallylearned how to overcome, and
it's something that I see allthe time in my practice, and it
(15:17):
is exactly the kind of work thatI help people with.
So if you're ready to startlearning how to regulate your
own emotions, how to communicateyour needs more clearly, and how
to create healthier dynamics inyour relationships, I would love
to support you.
You can come and join my waitlist by emailing me at
maryann@maryannwalker.life or bygoing to my website,
www.maryannwalker.life.
Let me know that you'reinterested and then you can be
(15:38):
the first one to know when aspot opens up.
All right.
Well, I hope you have a greatweek and let's talk soon.
Bye now.
Well, hello and welcome back.
My name is MaryAnn Walker andI'm the life coach for those who
are starting to discover thatthey're investing a whole lot of
energy into managing otherpeople's emotions.
And today we're going to explorea bit of the conditioning behind
that because many of us wereraised to not only prioritize
other people's feelings over ourown, but we were also taught
either explicitly or implicitlythat we are responsible for
(01:05):
other people's emotions.
For example, maybe you were toldby a parent or a teacher, don't
hurt their feelings.
Now on the surface, and thissounds like good advice, right?
It sounds kind, it soundsconsiderate.
It sounds like something athoughtful person would do.
But for many people, then thatmessage, it didn't just teach us
to be considerate of otherpeople, but it taught us that we
are responsible for otherpeople's emotions.
(01:27):
And that's a very differentthing.
A lot of us were raised toprioritize other people's
feelings over our own.
For example, growing up, maybeyou heard things like,"well, you
better go give grandma, grandpa,aunt, uncle, whoever it is, you
better go give them a hug,goodbye.
Or else they'll be sad." Eventhough you were a kid who didn't
really like hugs.
Or maybe you were told.
"You need to include that kid sothat they don't feel left out,"
(01:48):
even though that particular kidwas kind of mean to you, and you
actually needed a break fromthem, not more engagement.
Or maybe you were told, Hey,well you can't say no to their
request.
You have to help them, even ifit's inconvenient for you.
That's what good people do.
Now, again, the intention behindthese messages was usually good.
Parents and teachers and clergy,they were trying to teach
(02:08):
kindness and empathy.
They were trying to teachconsideration and understanding.
But what many of us internalizedfrom these moments was, other
people's emotions are myresponsibility.
And when you grow up believingthat, then it really shapes how
it is that you move throughrelationships as an adult.
It creates kind of like ahypervigilance where"it is my
job to make sure that everybodyelse is okay and I can't be okay
(02:30):
until everybody else is okay."It creates a hypersensitivity to
other people's moods andemotions, and it creates a
belief that"if somebody is upsetit means that I'm not safe' or
it means"I have done somethingwrong.
I have failed in some way." Youstart to become somebody who
tries to anticipate everybodyelse's feelings so that you can
better manage them.
(02:51):
And then you get really busyacting on that, right?
So you're getting busy workingto prevent anybody from
experiencing any form ofdisappointment.
You're working hard to preventconflict by being super
agreeable and never letting onthat, oh, well, I actually feel
differently about this, or Imight prefer this.
You can't let them know becauseyour job is to be agreeable.
Otherwise, it might upsetsomebody.
You're working really hard toprevent the discomfort of
(03:13):
others.
Even if it's making you reallyuncomfortable.
And now you're making decisionsnot based on what actually works
for you, but you're makingdecision based on what is gonna
keep everybody else happy andemotionally comfortable.
But here is the really importantdistinction.
There is a big differencebetween having consideration for
(03:34):
someone's feelings and beingresponsible for those feelings.
And somebody having a negativeemotion...
it doesn't necessarily mean thatthere's anything wrong.
It just means that they'refeeling their feelings.
And that's okay.
And letting them feel theirfeelings.
It does not mean that you're abig fat jerk.
In fact, you can care about howsomebody else feels.
(03:54):
You can be thoughtful, you canbe compassionate.
You can even choose toaccommodate someone's request
when you're able to.
But that does not mean that youare personally responsible for
their emotional reactions.
If as we're driving down theroad, if my husband gets upset
with traffic, it is not my jobto fix it for him.
It is his job to learn how tomanage his emotions around
(04:15):
traffic.
If my teen doesn't like theirjob or doesn't like their
teacher, it is not myresponsibility to jump in and
fix it for them so they don'thave to experience any form of
discomfort.
Instead, it is theirresponsibility to learn how to
navigate their own emotions andsolve their own problems.
That's what helps us to bemature adults, is having those
opportunities.
(04:35):
If somebody asks me to dosomething for them and they get
upset when their timing doesn'tmatch with my timing, and I
can't help them out in the waythat they wanted me to, it is
not my job to change my scheduleand shift around my priorities
in order to calm them down.
Instead, it is theirresponsibility to feel their
feelings and come up withanother solution to their
(04:56):
problem.
Right?
I can still have compassionaround how frustrating it must
be to think that you have founda solution and that MaryAnn was
the answer, only to discoverthat, oh, you know what,
Maryanne's not gonna work outthis time, but it is not my job
to fix it for them.
Having compassion someone andbeing responsible for their
feelings are two very differentthings.
And this is where things startto get a little bit complicated
(05:17):
for people pleasers.
Because the truth is thathelping somebody when you
genuinely want to help, it canfeel so good.
Being generous, it feels sogood.
Being inclusive, it feels sogood being accommodating.
When it works for you, it canfeel so good.
But the moment that you startbelieving that you are now
somehow personally responsiblefor how somebody else feels,
(05:39):
then all of those things, theyjust land differently.
This is when your thoughts shiftfrom I want to, and I choose to,
to, well, I have to, and I'msupposed to.
It has a very differentemotional weight.
And then what used to felt likekindness and generosity, it's
now starting to feel like dutyand obligation.
And duty and obligation..
(06:00):
They don't feel good, right?
It feels heavy.
It feels like pressure.
It feels like you don't reallyhave a choice or a say in the
matter.
And over time, then thatpressure, it can turn into
burnout or resentment, whichisn't kind.
And guess what?
Resentment and burnout, they donot serve the relationship
either, so it's not actuallyhelping when you notice that
those emotions are coming in.
(06:21):
And there are two things thathappen when we take on the
responsibility of managing otherpeople's emotions.
The first thing is that when youconstantly manage somebody
else's emotional experience,then you're actually preventing
them from developing their ownemotional resilience.
In other words, you might thinkthat you're helping them, but
what you're actually doing ispreventing them from ever having
(06:43):
to feel and process their ownemotions.
It's kind of a little bit likehaving a swim instructor that
never actually lets theirstudents swim or even go near
the deep end.
And they may say no, butsomething bad might happen if I
let them do that.
And yeah, it might.
And if they aren't given theopportunity to learn how to
swim, if they're never exposedto the deep end, they will never
(07:04):
learn how to swim on their own.
Okay.
Another example.
Maybe you have a friend or afamily member who gets upset
whenever somebody disagrees withthem and because they don't know
how to manage their ownemotions, then everybody around
them, they're all trying tomanage their emotions for them.
So everyone around themconstantly avoids disagreeing
with them or even sharing analternative perspective.
And this might be aboutpolitics, religion, the stock
(07:26):
market, you name it.
But they're avoiding all thosesubjects just to keep this one
person comfortable.
And it can seem like a kindness.
But the truth is that nowthey're never going to have the
opportunity to learn how todevelop the skills needed to
handle a perceived disagreementor a difference of opinion.
And that's not actually servingthem.
And especially if they havefriends or family members who do
(07:48):
actually have different viewswhen it comes to religion and
politics and all those things,if they have different morals
and values and opinions.
So by everybody choosing to walkon eggshells around them,
they're never actually given theopportunity to learn that not
only is discomfort a part oflife, but it's absolutely
something that they can survive,right?
It's not a life or deathexperience here.
Not only that, but if they canlearn how to tolerate different
(08:11):
views and opinions over time,how much happier will not only
they be, but how much happierwill their friends and family
members be when they're actuallyfree to express themselves and
express that they actually viewthe world differently.
When we constantly manage otherpeople's emotions, we
unintentionally keep themtrapped in emotional childhood.
Because real emotional growthand maturity, it only happens
(08:32):
when people are allowed to feeltheir feelings and learn how to
work through them.
The second thing that happenswhen you believe that you're
personally responsible for howother people feel is that
there's often an unconsciousassumption that they're also now
responsible for how it is thatyou feel.
Doesn't everybody do that?
We're all supposed to just makesure everybody feels okay, and
that includes me.
(08:53):
You are now responsible for howI feel, which is actually a very
disempowering belief because nowyour happiness is not tied to
what is inside of you and withinyour control, but now your
happiness is tied to what isoutside of you and outside of
your control.
It is so easy to assume thatbecause I'm being so kind and
considerate of others' emotionsand I'm doing things for them
(09:15):
and I'm sacrificing for themthat they should do the same
thing for me.
And this expectation, it'srarely spoken out loud, but
instead it's kind of like asilent contract that we have
with other people, and it reallycan lead to a lot of resentment
when they do not follow ourinvisible manual for them.
So when this is happening, youmight find yourself thinking
things like.
"Really after all the thingsthat I've done for them, this is
(09:36):
the least that they could do."Or,"well, they should just know
what it is that I need rightnow.
Why aren't they showing up forme?" Or"why don't they put as
much effort into making me happyas I put into making them happy?
And that is when resentment canstart to build because now
you're living according to acontract that the other person
they never really agreed to,they have no idea what your
(09:56):
rules of engagement are forthem.
And if you wanna learn moreabout this, I will link a few
episodes in the show notes aboutmanuals and expectations because
This is a big deal and it cantake a while to kind of workshop
through that.
So check out the show and let'ssee if this resonates with you.
But for now, I want you to knowthat when you expect other
people to manage your emotionsrather than creating connection,
it's usually creating tensionand resentment.
(10:17):
Because if your emotional statedepends upon somebody else's
behavior, then your peace...
It's always going to be fragile.
Now, let me give you just areally simple example here.
Let's say that you tellyourself, well all feel happy
when my partner finally startshelping out more around the
house.
Now, if helping out around thehouse, then yeah, that is
absolutely a reasonable requestto make.
(10:38):
But if your happiness becomesdependent upon and conditional
upon them doing the dishes, thenyou have just handed over the
keys to your own emotionalexperience.
You've essentially said, well,my happiness will begin once you
start to behave the way that Iwant you to behave.
Until then, I'm gonna stayfrustrated in a relationship.
I'm gonna stay irritated, I'mgonna stay unhappy.
And now you are the one who isdelaying your own joy.
(11:00):
You could choose to justexperience joy now, but you have
made your capacity to feel joyconditional upon they're getting
the dishes done.
So another example might looklike this.
So imagine that somebody isposting something on social
media and then they'reconstantly checking their phone
to see how many people liked it.
When this happens then theiremotional state, it is rising
and falling based on how manypeople have responded.
(11:23):
If a lot of people have engagedwith their post, then they feel
really good about life.
But if no one is engaging, thenthey start to feel rejected or
unimportant.
They're allowing externalcircumstances to dictate if what
it is that they're sharing abouttheir life, if it's valid or
not.
So now their emotionalexperience, it is now dependent
upon something outside ofthemselves, and that's a really
(11:45):
unstable place to live inemotionally.
So today I want you to start tonotice two things in your life.
First, I want you to noticewhere you might be taking
responsibility for somebodyelse's emotions.
Where is it that you're peoplepleasing and placating just to
make somebody else happy, butwhen it's making yourself
miserable.
Right?
Are there situations where youfeel like it is your job to keep
somebody else from beingdisappointed?
Are there moments where you sayyes to something you don't
(12:07):
actually want to do becauseyou're trying to protect
somebody else from feelingupset?
Are there conversations thatyou're avoiding because you're
afraid that the other personmight feel uncomfortable?
Just kind of start to noticethose patterns.
Okay.
And then the second thing I wantyou to notice is the opposite
dynamic.
Notice if there are places whereyou are unintentionally putting
somebody else in charge of youremotional experience.
(12:28):
Are there moments where you'rewaiting to see how somebody else
shows up before you decide howyou're going to feel about a
situation?
Are you waiting for somebodyelse to validate you before you
allow yourself to feel confidentin yourself?
Are you waiting for somebodyelse to change before you allow
yourself to feel peace?
Because real emotional maturity,it looks far different from
that.
Okay?
Real emotional maturity isactually recognizing that every
(12:51):
single person is responsible fortheir own emotional experience.
This means that you get tomanage your emotions and they
get to manage theirs.
Now, this does not mean that westop caring about each other.
It doesn't mean that we stopbeing kind or thoughtful,.
But it does mean that we stoptaking ownership of emotions
that don't belong to us.
And interestingly enough, whenyou stop trying to control
(13:12):
everybody else's emotionalexperience, then your
relationships are going tobecome significantly healthier.
There's going to be morehonesty, there's going to be
more clarity, and there's goingto be significantly less silent
resentment because now everyoneis standing in their own
emotional responsibility.
All right.
One more quick story before wewrap up.
Before coaching, I was veryguilty of both attempting to
(13:33):
manage my husband's emotions andexpecting him to manage mine,
and I didn't even realize thisuntil I began coaching.
I didn't realize how often I hadthe silent expectation that my
husband show up for me incertain ways until my
expectations weren't met.
And I found myself feeling upsetand miserable and resentful.
And to be honest with you, itdid take some practice.
And at one point I did have totell my husband, I said, Hey,
(13:55):
I'm practicing being moreresponsible for my own emotions
and I'm practicing explicitlystating requests instead of just
expecting you to know what it isthat I want and expecting you to
mind read.
So I'm probably gonna be alittle bit clumsy as I learn to
manage my emotions and let youmanage your emotions.
And I'm probably gonna be clumsyas I work to practice stating
requests and making actualrequests instead of just
assuming that you'll know.
(14:15):
But.
Please be patient with me.
And guess what?
now I am way better at not overowning somebody else's emotional
experience, and I'm way betterat processing my own emotions.
Change is possible even ifyou've lived this way for a very
long time.
Lasting peace doesn't come fromconstantly managing everybody
else's emotional experience.
(14:36):
Lasting piece comes fromlearning how to regulate and
manage your own emotionsregardless of how other people
are showing up.
And when you start to do thatwork, then something really
amazing happens.
You stop feeling like you'rewalking on eggshells.
You stop feeling responsible foreverybody else's mood, and you
start showing up inrelationships with a lot more
confidence and authenticity.
(14:57):
So if today's conversation hasresonated with you, if you're
starting to realize that youhave spent a lot of your life
trying to manage everybodyelse's emotional experience, and
if the idea of letting that goreally creates a lot of emotions
for you that you don't wannadeal with, I want you to know
you were not alone.
Okay?
This is something I personallylearned how to overcome, and
it's something that I see allthe time in my practice, and it
(15:17):
is exactly the kind of work thatI help people with.
So if you're ready to startlearning how to regulate your
own emotions, how to communicateyour needs more clearly, and how
to create healthier dynamics inyour relationships, I would love
to support you.
You can come and join my waitlist by emailing me at
maryann@maryannwalker.life or bygoing to my website,
www.maryannwalker.life.
Let me know that you'reinterested and then you can be
(15:38):
the first one to know when aspot opens up.
All right.
Well, I hope you have a greatweek and let's talk soon.
Bye now.
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