April 23, 2026 • 11 mins
When You Feel Like a Burden: People Pleasing and Honoring Your Needs
When you feel like a burden, it’s easy to convince yourself that everyone else’s needs matter more than your own. In this episode, MaryAnn shares a powerful, real-life story from a sleepless night in the hospital that highlights how quickly people-pleasing can take over—and how it leads us to minimize even our most basic needs. This conversation will help you shift from “either/or” thinking to both/and, so you can honor your needs without guilt.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode
- Why you feel like a burden (and how that belief is created)
- How people-pleasing causes you to invalidate your own needs
- The “both/and” mindset that allows space for everyone’s needs
- How this pattern shows up in friendships, relationships, and work
- Why speaking up is actually a gift—not a burden
Challenge for the Week
Notice when you think, “I don’t want to be a burden.”
Then ask yourself: “What if both of our needs matter here?”
Work With Me
Ready to stop abandoning yourself and start showing up fully in your relationships?
Email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life
to check my current coaching availability.
Don’t Forget to Subscribe
Follow the podcast for more tools to help you set boundaries, honor your needs, and feel at peace as a recovering people-pleaser.
Links:
Check out my list of freebies to support you on your journey here: https://linktr.ee/maryannwalker.life
Ready for one on one coaching? Click here to check for availability: https://maryannwalker.life/contact-me
Listen
Watch
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 4 (00:42):
Well, hello and welcome back.
My name is MaryAnn Walker, and Ihelp recovering people-pleasers
learn how to take up spacewithout over-apologizing or
feeling like a burden.
And today we're gonna be talkingabout something that came up for
me this last weekend.
I am talking like middle of thenight, exhausted, no sleep.
It was quite an excitingweekend.
So this last weekend, mytwenty-one-year-old daughter,
(01:04):
she ended up in the hospitalwith pneumonia.
And that is a story in and ofitself, but since this is a
podcast for recoveringpeople-pleasers, then I wanted
to share with you something thathappened while I was staying
with her at the hospital.
On her last night in thehospital, we were woken up at
three thirty in the morning, andwe were asked to move to another
room.
And it wasn't because she wasgetting worse, but it's because
(01:26):
we were in the pediatric unit.
That's where they keep theoverflow at our hospital, and
they had a child coming in thatneeded that space.
And so we had all of about sixtyseconds in the middle of the
night to grab all of our thingswhile half asleep and
disoriented, trying to notforget anything like our
chargers and whatnot, find allof our socks, and then we walked
down the hallway into our newunit.
And when we reached the newroom, then the sweet nurse, she
(01:48):
offered to grab me a pillow fromacross the hall so that I could
get a little bit more sleep.
And that makes perfect sense atthree thirty AM, right?
So one would think that myanswer would be an easy yes, but
instead it was like my tiredbrain, it seemed to just kind of
jump back in time into itsfactory reset setting of
people-pleasing.
I instantly started thinkingabout this cute nurse and
(02:10):
everything that she was goingthrough.
I was thinking how awful and howuncomfortable it must be to have
to wake somebody up in themiddle of the night and move
them to a different room, to adifferent wing.
I was thinking about how chaoticthat night must have been for
her and for the other staff.
I was thinking about how scaredthat child must be being
admitted in the middle of thenight and wondering,"Oh, I hope
they have enough time to get theroom clean and ready for them.
(02:30):
Oh my goodness, there's just somuch going on." And suddenly my
need for a pillow, it felt likeasking for too much.
And not only did it feel liketoo much, but it felt downright
inappropriate to even make thatrequest in the moment.
So my thought after being awokenin the middle of the night and
asked to change room with mysick adult child at three thirty
(02:50):
in the morning, leaving behindthe bed that I made for myself,
was,"Well, I really don't wannabe an inconvenience for anyone."
So I told that nurse,"No, thankyou.
I'll just sleep in the chair.
It's fine." And that was that.
But here's the reallyinteresting part I made that
very unique set ofcircumstances, the fact that it
was three thirty in the morningand that I had to quickly change
rooms, I made that fact meanthat asking for a pillow was
(03:13):
going to be too much, that thatwas an inconvenience.
And yeah, there are also somethings that I made that
situation mean that wereactually helpful for me in that
situation.
For example, I made it meanthat,"Oh, my daughter must be on
the mend.
She's most likely the healthiestperson in the unit right now,
and therefore she's the bestcandidate to be moved." I was
also choosing to believe thatwhile, yes, it might be true
(03:34):
that her high sensitivity, she'salso a highly sensitive person,
that her high sensitivity, itmay have contributed to her
rapid decline, but I was alsochoosing to believe that her
high sensitivity was also makingher more sensitive to the
positive treatments that she wasreceiving, and that it was
actually helping to make herwell at an incredibly fast rate.
And all of those specificthoughts, they were actually
(03:55):
very helpful for me and made mefeel good.
And I also made it mean thathaving the nurse follow through
on her offer to grab me a pillowin the middle of the night from
across the hall, that that wouldbe too much of an inconvenience
for her, and that I would beadding to her burden.
But do you know what else isreally inconvenient?
Taking your child to theemergency room at four o'clock
(04:17):
in the morning, staying in ahospital for three days, being
woken up in the middle of thenight and being asked to change
rooms.
That is also super inconvenient.
So here is the truth that Ireally had to come back to.
It might have been aninconvenience for her to grab me
a pillow, and it could also betrue that it's inconvenient for
me and my daughter to be in ahospital and to be moved rooms
in the middle of the night, andthat getting a little bit more
(04:39):
sleep might actually help me toserve my daughter a bit better.
Both of those things could betrue at the exact same time, and
both of those experiences can bevalid.
And honestly, this is somethingthat I see a lot when I'm
working with people pleasers.
We assess everybody else'sneeds, and then we use that
assessment to invalidate our ownneeds, to invalidate our own
(05:00):
lived experience.
So then we're thinking thoughtslike,"Well, they just have more
going on.
They need this more.
I don't want to be a burden.
Their wants and needs are justmore valid than mine right now.
Their problems are more worthyof care and attention right
now." And when we do that, wejust quietly remove ourselves
from the equation...
even when we're in the hospital.
(05:23):
But what if your needs don'tmagically disappear just because
somebody else has a need?
What if it is not either or?
What if it is this and?
All right.
So let's kind of talk about afew more examples about how this
might be showing up for you.
So first let's kind of talkabout the overwhelmed friend.
Let's say that you have a friendthat is just really going
through it right now.
She's stressed.
She's expressed being maxed outand really needing a break.
(05:45):
And at the same time, guesswhat?
You're also really going throughit.
You are also really in need ofsupport.
But instead of using this as anopportunity to lean on each
other, instead you tellyourself, well, yeah, she really
has a lot on her plate rightnow.
I shouldn't bring up what I'mgoing through.
It would be inappropriate to doso.
And so you remain quiet and youdon't get the help and the love
(06:08):
and the support that you need.
But here's the truth is it canbe true that they are struggling
and it can also be true that youare also in need of support
right now.
It rarely ever works out soperfectly in life and
relationships that we can taketurns when it comes to having a
hard time, right?
In fact, it kind of seems likeeverybody gets hit right around
the same time.
(06:29):
So it would be amazing and idealif we could say, okay, this week
I get to be overwhelmed and thennext week you can be
overwhelmed.
So then we can support eachother.
Wouldn't that just be amazing?
But that's not how life worksout.
And connection does not comefrom one person disappearing so
that the other person can exist,so that the other person's needs
can exist while yours disappear.
(06:51):
It can be true that you can beconsiderate of what your friend
is going through and still sharewhat it is that you need at the
same time.
Okay, so now let's talk aboutthe overwhelmed partner.
Let's assume that your partner'shad a really long day.
They're tired.
Maybe they're stressed from workand you're thinking, okay, well,
tonight's really not a good timeto bring this up.
So you don't.
(07:11):
And then the next night, it'sthe same thing.
And it just feels like it is nownever the right time to bring up
this thing that's weighing onyou.
So maybe in an effort to manageyour partner's emotions, then
maybe you're fixing theirfavorite food.
Maybe you're accommodating whatit is that they want, the
activities that they want to bedoing.
And meanwhile, you aren't beingaccommodated, and your need for
(07:32):
resolution, it keeps beingsilenced.
You are waiting for a break intheir stress to express that you
also have needs, but theopportunity seems to never come.
And eventually what happens isthat that silence, it eventually
turns into a resentment.
It can be true that your partneris stressed, and it can also be
(07:53):
true that something matters toyou and that it needs to be
addressed.
And what a gift it can be in arelationship to actually state
your needs when you have themand allow your partner the
opportunity to step in andfulfill those needs.
And really when you think aboutit, when the alternative is
silent resentment, it reallytruly is a gift to speak up and
give your partner theinformation that they need so
(08:15):
that you can make therelationship more sustainable
for you.
It actually benefits both of youbecause if it's more sustainable
for you, you're better able toalso show up for them.
Okay, so now let's play aroundwith the idea of the workplace.
Let's say you're at work andyour manager is looking for
somebody to take on anadditional task.
And rather than asking yourselfif you currently have the
capacity to take it on rightnow, instead what you're doing
(08:37):
is you're going down your listof coworkers and you're thinking
about all of the reasons whythey don't need the extra stress
right now.
Oh yeah, that coworker overthere, yeah, she just got back
from maternity leave, so sheshouldn't do it.
Oh, and that one.
Yeah, they just broke up withtheir girlfriend, so yeah,
they're off the list.
Oh, and that one, they're havingcar trouble, so we really
shouldn't ask anything of them.
And oh, that one?
Mm.
(08:57):
Yep, they're really worriedabout their kid, so nope,
they're off the list.
So you have now determined inyour mind that everybody else
has so much more on their plate,and you are assuming their
current capacity.
And also in your assumptions,then you're assuming that, okay,
since I have determined on myown, without them saying
anything, that they're currentlytoo maxed out, I'm now going to
assume that it is myresponsibility to take on this
(09:19):
additional task.
And when you do that, you'reactually overlooking the fact
that,"Oh yeah, I actually tookon the last three tasks, and I'm
recovering from illness, and Ican't stay any later today
because I know I need to get mykid from practice." And so
you're being so concerned witheverybody else's capacity, it
feels like you're being kind,but it's actually coming at the
cost of forgetting to assessyour own current capacity.
(09:42):
So yes, it can be true that yourcoworkers could use some support
in various ways, and it can alsobe true that you don't currently
have the time, the energy, orthe capacity to take on that
extra task right now, and that'sokay.
And you know what?
It is possible to still be ateam player at work, have
compassion for your coworkers,while also honoring your own
(10:02):
personal limits.
And I'm not saying don't besensitive to other people's
circumstances and their currentcapacity, but I am saying
please, please, please stopminimizing your own capacity.
Your needs are valid, and it'snot because they're bigger than
anybody else's.
It's not like we have to give itall a number and say,"Okay,
well, I'm gonna give everybody ascore so that I can determine
(10:24):
who has the best capacity rightnow." Okay?
You get to have needs simplybecause you exist.
You don't need to justify yourneeds, and you definitely do not
need to minimize your needs.
You do not have to disappear tomake room for somebody else.
My hope for you today is thatyou'll simply start offering
yourself the same level ofcompassion that you so freely
(10:44):
offer to other people.
And if somebody offers you apillow in the middle of the
night, it is probably becausethey have the time, the energy,
and the capacity to do so.
So tell them thank you.
You'll sleep so much better.
All right, so this week I wantyou to start to notice where it
is that you might be tellingyourself that,"Oh no, it's not a
good time to bring it up.
(11:05):
They have so much more going onthan me.
I don't wanna be a burden." Andinstead, gently ask yourself,
"Okay, what if both of our needsmatter here?
How can we find a way to supporteach other and get both of our
needs met?" Now, if thisresonated with you, make sure
that you're following thepodcast.
And if you're ready to stopabandoning yourself, if you're
ready to show up more fully inyour life and in your
(11:26):
relationships, I would love tosupport you.
Speaker 5 (11:28):
You can email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life to
inquire about my currentavailability.
I promise, I'll only let youknow what my current capacity
is, so feel free to email me andI'll see what I can do.
All right, well, I hope you havea great week and let's talk
soon.
Bye now.
Well, hello and welcome back.
My name is MaryAnn Walker, and Ihelp recovering people-pleasers
learn how to take up spacewithout over-apologizing or
feeling like a burden.
And today we're gonna be talkingabout something that came up for
me this last weekend.
I am talking like middle of thenight, exhausted, no sleep.
It was quite an excitingweekend.
So this last weekend, mytwenty-one-year-old daughter,
(01:04):
she ended up in the hospitalwith pneumonia.
And that is a story in and ofitself, but since this is a
podcast for recoveringpeople-pleasers, then I wanted
to share with you something thathappened while I was staying
with her at the hospital.
On her last night in thehospital, we were woken up at
three thirty in the morning, andwe were asked to move to another
room.
And it wasn't because she wasgetting worse, but it's because
(01:26):
we were in the pediatric unit.
That's where they keep theoverflow at our hospital, and
they had a child coming in thatneeded that space.
And so we had all of about sixtyseconds in the middle of the
night to grab all of our thingswhile half asleep and
disoriented, trying to notforget anything like our
chargers and whatnot, find allof our socks, and then we walked
down the hallway into our newunit.
And when we reached the newroom, then the sweet nurse, she
(01:48):
offered to grab me a pillow fromacross the hall so that I could
get a little bit more sleep.
And that makes perfect sense atthree thirty AM, right?
So one would think that myanswer would be an easy yes, but
instead it was like my tiredbrain, it seemed to just kind of
jump back in time into itsfactory reset setting of
people-pleasing.
I instantly started thinkingabout this cute nurse and
(02:10):
everything that she was goingthrough.
I was thinking how awful and howuncomfortable it must be to have
to wake somebody up in themiddle of the night and move
them to a different room, to adifferent wing.
I was thinking about how chaoticthat night must have been for
her and for the other staff.
I was thinking about how scaredthat child must be being
admitted in the middle of thenight and wondering,"Oh, I hope
they have enough time to get theroom clean and ready for them.
(02:30):
Oh my goodness, there's just somuch going on." And suddenly my
need for a pillow, it felt likeasking for too much.
And not only did it feel liketoo much, but it felt downright
inappropriate to even make thatrequest in the moment.
So my thought after being awokenin the middle of the night and
asked to change room with mysick adult child at three thirty
(02:50):
in the morning, leaving behindthe bed that I made for myself,
was,"Well, I really don't wannabe an inconvenience for anyone."
So I told that nurse,"No, thankyou.
I'll just sleep in the chair.
It's fine." And that was that.
But here's the reallyinteresting part I made that
very unique set ofcircumstances, the fact that it
was three thirty in the morningand that I had to quickly change
rooms, I made that fact meanthat asking for a pillow was
(03:13):
going to be too much, that thatwas an inconvenience.
And yeah, there are also somethings that I made that
situation mean that wereactually helpful for me in that
situation.
For example, I made it meanthat,"Oh, my daughter must be on
the mend.
She's most likely the healthiestperson in the unit right now,
and therefore she's the bestcandidate to be moved." I was
also choosing to believe thatwhile, yes, it might be true
(03:34):
that her high sensitivity, she'salso a highly sensitive person,
that her high sensitivity, itmay have contributed to her
rapid decline, but I was alsochoosing to believe that her
high sensitivity was also makingher more sensitive to the
positive treatments that she wasreceiving, and that it was
actually helping to make herwell at an incredibly fast rate.
And all of those specificthoughts, they were actually
(03:55):
very helpful for me and made mefeel good.
And I also made it mean thathaving the nurse follow through
on her offer to grab me a pillowin the middle of the night from
across the hall, that that wouldbe too much of an inconvenience
for her, and that I would beadding to her burden.
But do you know what else isreally inconvenient?
Taking your child to theemergency room at four o'clock
(04:17):
in the morning, staying in ahospital for three days, being
woken up in the middle of thenight and being asked to change
rooms.
That is also super inconvenient.
So here is the truth that Ireally had to come back to.
It might have been aninconvenience for her to grab me
a pillow, and it could also betrue that it's inconvenient for
me and my daughter to be in ahospital and to be moved rooms
in the middle of the night, andthat getting a little bit more
(04:39):
sleep might actually help me toserve my daughter a bit better.
Both of those things could betrue at the exact same time, and
both of those experiences can bevalid.
And honestly, this is somethingthat I see a lot when I'm
working with people pleasers.
We assess everybody else'sneeds, and then we use that
assessment to invalidate our ownneeds, to invalidate our own
(05:00):
lived experience.
So then we're thinking thoughtslike,"Well, they just have more
going on.
They need this more.
I don't want to be a burden.
Their wants and needs are justmore valid than mine right now.
Their problems are more worthyof care and attention right
now." And when we do that, wejust quietly remove ourselves
from the equation...
even when we're in the hospital.
(05:23):
But what if your needs don'tmagically disappear just because
somebody else has a need?
What if it is not either or?
What if it is this and?
All right.
So let's kind of talk about afew more examples about how this
might be showing up for you.
So first let's kind of talkabout the overwhelmed friend.
Let's say that you have a friendthat is just really going
through it right now.
She's stressed.
She's expressed being maxed outand really needing a break.
(05:45):
And at the same time, guesswhat?
You're also really going throughit.
You are also really in need ofsupport.
But instead of using this as anopportunity to lean on each
other, instead you tellyourself, well, yeah, she really
has a lot on her plate rightnow.
I shouldn't bring up what I'mgoing through.
It would be inappropriate to doso.
And so you remain quiet and youdon't get the help and the love
(06:08):
and the support that you need.
But here's the truth is it canbe true that they are struggling
and it can also be true that youare also in need of support
right now.
It rarely ever works out soperfectly in life and
relationships that we can taketurns when it comes to having a
hard time, right?
In fact, it kind of seems likeeverybody gets hit right around
the same time.
(06:29):
So it would be amazing and idealif we could say, okay, this week
I get to be overwhelmed and thennext week you can be
overwhelmed.
So then we can support eachother.
Wouldn't that just be amazing?
But that's not how life worksout.
And connection does not comefrom one person disappearing so
that the other person can exist,so that the other person's needs
can exist while yours disappear.
(06:51):
It can be true that you can beconsiderate of what your friend
is going through and still sharewhat it is that you need at the
same time.
Okay, so now let's talk aboutthe overwhelmed partner.
Let's assume that your partner'shad a really long day.
They're tired.
Maybe they're stressed from workand you're thinking, okay, well,
tonight's really not a good timeto bring this up.
So you don't.
(07:11):
And then the next night, it'sthe same thing.
And it just feels like it is nownever the right time to bring up
this thing that's weighing onyou.
So maybe in an effort to manageyour partner's emotions, then
maybe you're fixing theirfavorite food.
Maybe you're accommodating whatit is that they want, the
activities that they want to bedoing.
And meanwhile, you aren't beingaccommodated, and your need for
(07:32):
resolution, it keeps beingsilenced.
You are waiting for a break intheir stress to express that you
also have needs, but theopportunity seems to never come.
And eventually what happens isthat that silence, it eventually
turns into a resentment.
It can be true that your partneris stressed, and it can also be
(07:53):
true that something matters toyou and that it needs to be
addressed.
And what a gift it can be in arelationship to actually state
your needs when you have themand allow your partner the
opportunity to step in andfulfill those needs.
And really when you think aboutit, when the alternative is
silent resentment, it reallytruly is a gift to speak up and
give your partner theinformation that they need so
(08:15):
that you can make therelationship more sustainable
for you.
It actually benefits both of youbecause if it's more sustainable
for you, you're better able toalso show up for them.
Okay, so now let's play aroundwith the idea of the workplace.
Let's say you're at work andyour manager is looking for
somebody to take on anadditional task.
And rather than asking yourselfif you currently have the
capacity to take it on rightnow, instead what you're doing
(08:37):
is you're going down your listof coworkers and you're thinking
about all of the reasons whythey don't need the extra stress
right now.
Oh yeah, that coworker overthere, yeah, she just got back
from maternity leave, so sheshouldn't do it.
Oh, and that one.
Yeah, they just broke up withtheir girlfriend, so yeah,
they're off the list.
Oh, and that one, they're havingcar trouble, so we really
shouldn't ask anything of them.
And oh, that one?
Mm.
(08:57):
Yep, they're really worriedabout their kid, so nope,
they're off the list.
So you have now determined inyour mind that everybody else
has so much more on their plate,and you are assuming their
current capacity.
And also in your assumptions,then you're assuming that, okay,
since I have determined on myown, without them saying
anything, that they're currentlytoo maxed out, I'm now going to
assume that it is myresponsibility to take on this
(09:19):
additional task.
And when you do that, you'reactually overlooking the fact
that,"Oh yeah, I actually tookon the last three tasks, and I'm
recovering from illness, and Ican't stay any later today
because I know I need to get mykid from practice." And so
you're being so concerned witheverybody else's capacity, it
feels like you're being kind,but it's actually coming at the
cost of forgetting to assessyour own current capacity.
(09:42):
So yes, it can be true that yourcoworkers could use some support
in various ways, and it can alsobe true that you don't currently
have the time, the energy, orthe capacity to take on that
extra task right now, and that'sokay.
And you know what?
It is possible to still be ateam player at work, have
compassion for your coworkers,while also honoring your own
(10:02):
personal limits.
And I'm not saying don't besensitive to other people's
circumstances and their currentcapacity, but I am saying
please, please, please stopminimizing your own capacity.
Your needs are valid, and it'snot because they're bigger than
anybody else's.
It's not like we have to give itall a number and say,"Okay,
well, I'm gonna give everybody ascore so that I can determine
(10:24):
who has the best capacity rightnow." Okay?
You get to have needs simplybecause you exist.
You don't need to justify yourneeds, and you definitely do not
need to minimize your needs.
You do not have to disappear tomake room for somebody else.
My hope for you today is thatyou'll simply start offering
yourself the same level ofcompassion that you so freely
(10:44):
offer to other people.
And if somebody offers you apillow in the middle of the
night, it is probably becausethey have the time, the energy,
and the capacity to do so.
So tell them thank you.
You'll sleep so much better.
All right, so this week I wantyou to start to notice where it
is that you might be tellingyourself that,"Oh no, it's not a
good time to bring it up.
(11:05):
They have so much more going onthan me.
I don't wanna be a burden." Andinstead, gently ask yourself,
"Okay, what if both of our needsmatter here?
How can we find a way to supporteach other and get both of our
needs met?" Now, if thisresonated with you, make sure
that you're following thepodcast.
And if you're ready to stopabandoning yourself, if you're
ready to show up more fully inyour life and in your
(11:26):
relationships, I would love tosupport you.
Speaker 5 (11:28):
You can email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life to
inquire about my currentavailability.
I promise, I'll only let youknow what my current capacity
is, so feel free to email me andI'll see what I can do.
All right, well, I hope you havea great week and let's talk
soon.
Bye now.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by Audiochuck Media Company.
NFL Daily with Gregg Rosenthal
Gregg Rosenthal and a rotating crew of elite NFL Media co-hosts, including Patrick Claybon, Colleen Wolfe, Steve Wyche, Nick Shook and Jourdan Rodrigue of The Athletic get you caught up daily on all the NFL news and analysis you need to be smarter and funnier than your friends.