Why your nervous system can’t always tell the difference between actual danger and emotional discomfort
What You’ll Learn in This Episode
- The “house fire vs. burnt toast” framework for understanding your reactions
- How people-pleasing conditioning makes everything feel like an emergency
- The difference between “I am not safe” and “I don’t feel safe”
- How to ground yourself when your emotional smoke alarm goes off
- Why rejection, awkwardness, or disconnection can feel life-threatening (even when they’re not)
- Practical questions to calm your nervous system in real time
Challenge for the Week
The next time you feel that surge of anxiety, urgency, or emotional overwhelm, pause and ask yourself:
“Am I safe?”
“Do I feel safe?”
“Is this a house fire or just burnt toast?”
Then practice not rushing to fix, explain, or escape the feeling. Just notice it. Let your body learn that discomfort isn’t danger.
Work With Me
If you recognize yourself in this episode—if your nervous system often treats small moments like emergencies—you don’t have to keep navigating that alone.
This is exactly the kind of pattern I help people rewire in coaching. Together, we work on building self-trust, emotional regulation, and a calmer internal response system so you can stop living in constant “alarm mode.”
I’m currently opening up my summer coaching calendar.
Reach out here to check for availability: maryann@maryannwalker.life
Don’t Forget to Subscribe
If this episode helped you understand yourself a little more, make sure you’re subscribed so you don’t miss future episodes on people-pleasing, nervous system regulation, and rebuilding self-trust from the inside out.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker (00:42):
Well, hello and welcome back.
So first I'm really curious,what is the weather like where
you were at?
Spring in northern Utah is kindof crazy.
I think that we have experiencedall four seasons, multiple weeks
in a row, and it's kind ofcrazy.
I think we're like maybe slowlygetting more sun than snow, but
every day is an adventure here.
So today we're going to betalking about smoke alarms and
(01:04):
the alarms that go off in ourhead.
So have you ever smelled smokeand then you kind of instantly
start running around the house?
You're trying to find the sourceof it, wondering, oh no, was
that match really out when I putit in the trash?
Maybe somebody burned somepopcorn, maybe something was
left in the oven for too long.
But smoke alarms are going offeven, and you smell it and
you're not quite sure how bad itis yet, but there's definitely
(01:25):
something going on, and untilyou find the source, then you're
really on high alert.
I remember when my babies werebabies and my youngest, who was
probably three at the time, shejust loved to come in bed with
me.
So she was practicing sleepingin her own bed, but multiple
nights a week she'd get out ofbed and she'd come and she'd
climb in bed with me.
And most of the time she'd besleeping, you know, in the crook
(01:47):
of my arm with her head on myshoulder, and I don't know what
the appeal was, but throughoutthe night, she would slowly
creep up and eventually shewould end up sleeping on my
face.
So that's what was happening onthis particular night, is I
brought her into bed with me andthen she slowly was creeping up
and sleeping on my face like acat.
And then when that happens is Ijust know it's time for me to
(02:09):
take her to her room becausenobody can sleep like that,
right?
So I was taking her to herbedroom and when I opened up my
bedroom door, I smelled smoke.
And it was a very strong smellof smoke.
It was so strong I couldn'treally tell what direction to go
in to even look for it.
And I opened up my otherdaughter's bedroom door, and
then it just hit me so hard.
The smoke was so strong, Icouldn't see any flames, but
(02:31):
this was definitely where thesmoke was coming from.
So in the middle of the night, Iturned on the light and I was
trying to find the source, andthen I could see that her
blanket.
It was smoking.
And what had happened was myfive-year-old had taken the lamp
in underneath her blankets sothat she could read at night
without my knowing.
And then when she fell asleep,the blanket fell down on top of
(02:52):
the bulb and it had burned ahole in her quilt while she was
sleeping in that bed.
And I noticed that my nervoussystem was so scared, my nervous
system was responding to whatcould have happened, and I had a
harder time bringing it back towhat did happen, like how
perfectly that my 3-year-olddecided to sleep on my face that
night so that I would becompelled to get up in the night
(03:15):
and find the smell, and thenfind the source.
And really, we were safe.
The only damage that was donewas a hole in that quilt, but
the quilt didn't instantly burstinto flames.
My kids were okay.
My house didn't burn down, butmy nervous system was having a
little bit of a differentresponse.
And that's what we're gonna betalking about today is kind of
(03:35):
noticing where your nervoussystem, it might be reacting to
a burnt quilt or maybe burnttoast in the same way that it
would be responding to if yourhouse was actually on fire.
Because for many of mylisteners, then it can be a
challenge for the nervous systemto know the difference, and that
means oftentimes we'reresponding with a 10 out of 10
emotional response regardless ofhow serious the actual situation
(03:58):
is.
For example, maybe you didn'tget invited out to lunch with
your coworkers or somebodyhonked at you while in traffic,
or you got a text that says,Hey, can we talk tonight?
And for some people then thosethings, then they'll just roll
right off of their back.
But when you are somebody whohas been conditioned to tie your
sense of personal safety toother people's reactions to you,
(04:19):
like many people pleasers havebeen conditioned to do, then
those moments, they don't feelsmall, but instead, then they
immediately feel like rejection.
Or danger or a loss of communityor belonging, it can feel so
scary and jarring.
And then the body, it respondsaccordingly, right?
So your heart rate, it picks upyour thoughts, they start
racing, and you have a big pitin your stomach, and then
(04:42):
suddenly it feels like, okay,something is very, very wrong.
I'm not sure that I'm okay here.
now, before we go any further, Ijust wanna say this clearly,
nothing is wrong with you if youhave big emotions and a big
nervous system response todifferent situations.
Your brain and your nervoussystem, they're just doing
exactly what they've beendesigned to do.
(05:03):
There was a time in humanhistory when rejection from the
group.
It literally meant danger.
If you were cast out of thetribe, then you could lose
access to food.
You could lose access to shelterand protection.
It would mean exposure to theelements, and it could mean
death.
And so your brain learned overtime to, okay, I need to stay
connected at all costs.
(05:24):
And then anything that couldpotentially threaten the
connection, it instantly feltlike an immediate threat to
personal survival.
But here's the thing is we donot live in caves anymore, so
not getting invited to lunch,it's not the same as being cast
out into the wilderness.
Somebody honking at you...
it is not a threat to yourpersonal survival.
(05:46):
Somebody saying we need totalk...
it doesn't automatically meanthat there's danger, but your
nervous system doesn't alwaysknow that.
So what do we do?
First, we slow it down and westart to ask better questions.
Now, two foundational questionsthat I like to ask myself when
I'm having a big reaction.
(06:06):
It can feel like that big spike,that emotional surge that oh no
feeling.
Two questions I like to ask are,am I safe and do I feel safe?
Yeah, because those two thingsare not the same thing.
So when you ask yourself thosetwo questions, you might start
to notice that you know what?
My body, it feels unsafe rightnow.
But when I look around the room,I can see, okay, well, nobody's
(06:28):
trying to harm me right now.
Nobody is charging at me with aweapon.
I have shelter.
I'm physically safe right now.
I'm not being physicallyattacked.
And so just noticing thatdistinction between, okay, my
body doesn't feel safe, but mymind knows I am safe.
Then it can actually beincredibly grounding.
It can help to bring you backinto the present moment.
And here's another question thatI like to ask when I find myself
(06:51):
having a 10 outta 10 reactionis, okay, is the house on fire
or is this just burned toast?
Because they're both going tocreate a smell.
They both can trigger reaction.
They both can set off the smokealarm, and both of them are
going to get your attention, butthey require very different
(07:12):
responses.
Okay.
If you called 9 1 1 for burnedtoast, then that might be a
problem, right?
Because burned toast, yes, itcan be annoying, it can be
uncomfortable.
It can be a little bit wastefuland inconvenient to have burnt
toast, but it's completelymanageable.
But a house fire, that's when,okay, I need immediate
(07:33):
attention.
I need to call for help.
This is urgent.
This is dangerous.
There's an actual threat to mypersonal safety, and it requires
immediate action to be taken.
And what happens for a lot ofpeople pleasers that haven't
learned how to manage thenervous system, is that
everything starts to feel like ahouse fire.
Everything is a 10 out of 10reaction.
(07:54):
Now, before coaching.
I used to really live in my headabout everything, so if I wasn't
invited somewhere, I would havean instant story in my head.
My 10 out of 10 reaction wouldbe uhoh.
They don't like me.
I must've done something wrong.
I need to fix this.
I would feel very panicked andvery urgent in that situation.
I would spiral, but withcoaching then things have
(08:16):
improved significantly.
For me.
I'm better able to distinguishbetween burn toast and a house
fire, for example, a few yearsago than I was at a women's
event and there was a group ofwomen that I knew we were
friendly.
We were in similar, A few yearsago I was at a women's event and
there was a group of women therethat I knew, and we were
friendly with each other.
We ran around in similarcircles.
We weren't circle close, butyeah, we knew each other pretty
(08:38):
well.
And so I was chatting with thisgroup of women and then at some
point then they started talkingabout their monthly dinner.
They were talking about wherethey were gonna go, what time,
who was coming.
And I was just standing thereuninvited.
And then at that point, then oneof them actually pointed out the
(09:00):
obvious and they said, oh, heyguys, I don't think MaryAnn is
invited.
Maybe we should talk about thislater.
And I was literally standingright there hearing this whole
thing.
And honestly, I wasn't upset.
Because of coaching, I was ableto just be curious about it.
I was curious about, well, howinteresting that they're
choosing to talk about thisright now, and in my presence,
(09:23):
knowing that I'm not invited,but I wasn't hurt.
My house wasn't burning down.
And yeah, this was just a littlebit of stinky burned toast.
My house wasn't burning down.
This was just a little bit ofstinky burned toast.
So they all kind of stood thereawkwardly once it was pointed
out to them.
Ultimately, no, I did not get aninvitation, but you know what I
(09:46):
did do?
I decided to go and find anothergroup to talk to.
And it was fine.
Now, there was a time when thatmoment would've sent me
spinning.
I would've made it mean theydon't like me.
I'm not good enough.
I don't belong here.
Something must be wrong with me.
The alarms would be blaring.
I would be in emergencymanagement mode.
(10:07):
But in reality, it was just alittle bit awkward.
It was a little uncomfortablefor me, but it wasn't dangerous.
And also, let's be honest, theyalready had an established
group.
They were better.
And let's be honest, theyalready had an established
group.
They'd obviously been doing thisfor a while, and I realized
(10:30):
that, yeah, I think that we'rejust better suited to be
acquaintances instead ofintimate friends, and that's
okay.
And also I know that for me, Iprefer to hang out with women
who are inclusive andconsiderate of their audience.
And so honestly, it was fine.
I was able to go and talk withother women and it turned out
just fine.
So let's kind of explore anotherimportant distinction here.
(10:52):
When your house is burning down,you're unsafe.
And when you're unsafe, you'reat risk of serious harm when
there's burn to.
So let's explore.
Now, let's explore thisdistinction a little bit
further.
When your house is burning down,you are literally unsafe.
And when you are unsafe, you areat risk for serious harm.
(11:17):
But when there's bird toast, butwhen there's burned toast, it's
just a little uncomfortable inthe moment and a little
offensive to the nose, andthat's it.
But your brain doesn't alwaysdistinguish between the two of
those things.
Okay?
Your brain's job is just tosound the alarm, to keep you
safe.
Hey, I smell smoke.
You better find the source ofit, and then you get to figure
out what it is that you're gonnado with it.
(11:37):
So your brain is gonna sound thealarm, it's gonna trigger the
smoke detectors, and then youget to figure.
And then you get to figure outhow serious it is.
Now, let's kind of walk throughsome everyday examples and slow
them down a little bit.
Okay?
These are some situations that Isee in my coaching practice
where people might have a bigreaction to them.
Okay?
(11:57):
For example, somebody honks atyou in traffic.
Your brain is going to say, oh,I must have done something
wrong.
They must be mad at me.
I'm unsafe.
But in reality.
The other person, they're justreacting to something you are
still physically safe.
Maybe they just liked yourbumper sticker.
Maybe they're in a hurry, but itdoesn't automatically mean that
(12:18):
you've done anything wrong whensomebody honks.
Okay, so just let it go.
Okay, another example.
You received a, can we talktonight?
Text.
And your brain wants to jumpinto something is wrong.
I'm in trouble.
I must've done something wrongand I don't know what it is, and
I don't know how to fix it.
And now I'm in freak out mode.
But in reality.
It could be something completelyneutral.
(12:39):
They might want to have aninform, they might wanna have an
informational talk with you.
It might even be a positive talkwith you.
We don't know.
So don't let your brain run awaywith one storyline just because
the alarm bells are going off.
Okay?
Another example.
You weren't invited tosomething.
Your brain is going to say, I'mbeing rejected.
They don't like me.
(13:01):
They don't like me.
We must not be friends anymore,when in reality, there could be
a hundred reasons that youweren't invited that have
nothing to do with your worth.
All right?
Let's say that you are gettingyour performance review at work,
and your brain wants to say, I'mfailing.
I'm going to get fired.
This is the end.
But the truth is that feedback,it's just a part of growth and
(13:23):
feeling a little bit ofdiscomfort, it doesn't
automatically mean that you arein danger.
Okay?
So just embrace the.
Okay, so just embrace, yourbrain is going to say, I'm
failing.
I don't.
I'm, your brain is going to say,I'm failing.
I'm gonna get fired.
This is the end for me.
(13:45):
But in reality, then guess what?
Critical feedback.
It's just a part of growth.
Being uncomfortable.
Hearing that critical feedback,it doesn't.
Being uncomfortable hearing thatcritical feedback, it doesn't
automatically mean that you'rein danger.
All right.
Another really common one,somebody's disappointed in you.
Your brain is gonna say, oh no,I've messed up.
(14:05):
I need to fix this.
I must have done somethingwrong.
When in reality, guess what?
You can survive somebody else'sfeelings and they're being
upset.
It doesn't necessarily mean thatyou've done anything wrong, and
I especially wanna repeat thisfor all of my parents of
teenagers, guess what?
They're gonna have feelings.
There's gonna be days when theydon't like you.
It does not automatically mean.
(14:27):
That you're a bad parent.
Okay?
All right.
Another example, your child getsa poor grade and your brain's
gonna jump into, oh no, this isa pattern.
This is the beginning of theend.
They're going to struggleforever.
I must be failing as a parent.
What is the teacher going tothink of me?
But what if your kid was justtired that day?
What if they didn't understandthe assignment?
(14:48):
What if they had an off day?
What if this is a learningopportunity and it's better that
they fail on this one assignmentso that they can learn the
lesson and they don't fail lateron in life?
What if this is perfect timing?
So seeing this as a burnt toastsituation, it can help you to
respond with curiosity insteadof panic instead of panic.
(15:09):
All right.
Now imagine that you are in anear car accident, okay?
So your nervous system, it'scompletely lit up right now and
you're thinking, oh no, that wasclose.
We're not safe.
We're not safe.
I can't believe that almosthappened, but pause for a
moment, what actually happened.
You're okay.
Yeah, everybody is okay.
(15:30):
Your body is currently reactingto what could have happened.
It's not responding to what didhappen, so just slow it down and
remind yourself that, okay,these alarm bell, and just
remind yourself that, okay,these alarm bells, they're here
to keep me safe, but I am safe.
Okay?
That's another situation whereit's very helpful to ask
yourself the question, am Isafe?
(15:50):
Do I feel safe?
And kind of bringing a littlebit of distinction in there so
that you can get more groundedin that situation.
When everything feels like ahouse is on fire, then you're
living in constant urgency, aconstant state of emergency.
You're in constant anxiety,you're in constant self
abandonment.
But when you learn todistinguish between, but when
(16:12):
you learn to distinguish betweenburn toast and a house fire,
that's when you can create somespace, okay?
And in that space, you get tochoose a more appropriate
response.
Now, if you take nothing elsefrom this episode, I want you to
take this when you feel yourselfbeing triggered, just pause and
ask yourself, am I safe?
(16:33):
Do I feel safe?
And is this a house fire or isit just burned toast?
And then let it be okay if it'sjust uncomfortable.
You do not have to fix itimmediately.
You don't even have to make itgo away.
You can just be with thediscomfort and know that that
stinky smell, the house is gonnaair out eventually.
(16:54):
It's going to be okay.
Now, if you recognize yourselfin this, if your brain tends to
treat everything like anemergency, I want you to know
that you can learn how totolerate discomfort.
You can learn how to staygrounded.
Even when you smell smoke andthe smoke alarms are going off,
you can learn how to rewrite thestory that your brain is telling
you into something that's moresupportive for you in the life
(17:16):
that you wanna create.
And that is exactly what I dowith my coaching clients.
So if you're ready to stopliving in constant house fire
mode and start responding from aplace of calm clarity.
And self-trust, then I wouldlove to support you.
I'm currently filling up mysummer calendar and I would love
to have you on it so you canemail me at
maryann@maryannwalker.life orclick the link in the show notes
(17:38):
now to check out my currentavailability.
I would love to work with you.
You are not in danger.
You are just learning how to sitwith a little bit of stinky
burned toast and it's going tobe okay.
All right.
I promise you can handle it.
All right, well, I hope you havea great week and let's talk
soon.
Bye now.
Well, hello and welcome back.
So first I'm really curious,what is the weather like where
you were at?
Spring in northern Utah is kindof crazy.
I think that we have experiencedall four seasons, multiple weeks
in a row, and it's kind ofcrazy.
I think we're like maybe slowlygetting more sun than snow, but
every day is an adventure here.
So today we're going to betalking about smoke alarms and
(01:04):
the alarms that go off in ourhead.
So have you ever smelled smokeand then you kind of instantly
start running around the house?
You're trying to find the sourceof it, wondering, oh no, was
that match really out when I putit in the trash?
Maybe somebody burned somepopcorn, maybe something was
left in the oven for too long.
But smoke alarms are going offeven, and you smell it and
you're not quite sure how bad itis yet, but there's definitely
(01:25):
something going on, and untilyou find the source, then you're
really on high alert.
I remember when my babies werebabies and my youngest, who was
probably three at the time, shejust loved to come in bed with
me.
So she was practicing sleepingin her own bed, but multiple
nights a week she'd get out ofbed and she'd come and she'd
climb in bed with me.
And most of the time she'd besleeping, you know, in the crook
(01:47):
of my arm with her head on myshoulder, and I don't know what
the appeal was, but throughoutthe night, she would slowly
creep up and eventually shewould end up sleeping on my
face.
So that's what was happening onthis particular night, is I
brought her into bed with me andthen she slowly was creeping up
and sleeping on my face like acat.
And then when that happens is Ijust know it's time for me to
(02:09):
take her to her room becausenobody can sleep like that,
right?
So I was taking her to herbedroom and when I opened up my
bedroom door, I smelled smoke.
And it was a very strong smellof smoke.
It was so strong I couldn'treally tell what direction to go
in to even look for it.
And I opened up my otherdaughter's bedroom door, and
then it just hit me so hard.
The smoke was so strong, Icouldn't see any flames, but
(02:31):
this was definitely where thesmoke was coming from.
So in the middle of the night, Iturned on the light and I was
trying to find the source, andthen I could see that her
blanket.
It was smoking.
And what had happened was myfive-year-old had taken the lamp
in underneath her blankets sothat she could read at night
without my knowing.
And then when she fell asleep,the blanket fell down on top of
(02:52):
the bulb and it had burned ahole in her quilt while she was
sleeping in that bed.
And I noticed that my nervoussystem was so scared, my nervous
system was responding to whatcould have happened, and I had a
harder time bringing it back towhat did happen, like how
perfectly that my 3-year-olddecided to sleep on my face that
night so that I would becompelled to get up in the night
(03:15):
and find the smell, and thenfind the source.
And really, we were safe.
The only damage that was donewas a hole in that quilt, but
the quilt didn't instantly burstinto flames.
My kids were okay.
My house didn't burn down, butmy nervous system was having a
little bit of a differentresponse.
And that's what we're gonna betalking about today is kind of
(03:35):
noticing where your nervoussystem, it might be reacting to
a burnt quilt or maybe burnttoast in the same way that it
would be responding to if yourhouse was actually on fire.
Because for many of mylisteners, then it can be a
challenge for the nervous systemto know the difference, and that
means oftentimes we'reresponding with a 10 out of 10
emotional response regardless ofhow serious the actual situation
(03:58):
is.
For example, maybe you didn'tget invited out to lunch with
your coworkers or somebodyhonked at you while in traffic,
or you got a text that says,Hey, can we talk tonight?
And for some people then thosethings, then they'll just roll
right off of their back.
But when you are somebody whohas been conditioned to tie your
sense of personal safety toother people's reactions to you,
(04:19):
like many people pleasers havebeen conditioned to do, then
those moments, they don't feelsmall, but instead, then they
immediately feel like rejection.
Or danger or a loss of communityor belonging, it can feel so
scary and jarring.
And then the body, it respondsaccordingly, right?
So your heart rate, it picks upyour thoughts, they start
racing, and you have a big pitin your stomach, and then
(04:42):
suddenly it feels like, okay,something is very, very wrong.
I'm not sure that I'm okay here.
now, before we go any further, Ijust wanna say this clearly,
nothing is wrong with you if youhave big emotions and a big
nervous system response todifferent situations.
Your brain and your nervoussystem, they're just doing
exactly what they've beendesigned to do.
(05:03):
There was a time in humanhistory when rejection from the
group.
It literally meant danger.
If you were cast out of thetribe, then you could lose
access to food.
You could lose access to shelterand protection.
It would mean exposure to theelements, and it could mean
death.
And so your brain learned overtime to, okay, I need to stay
connected at all costs.
(05:24):
And then anything that couldpotentially threaten the
connection, it instantly feltlike an immediate threat to
personal survival.
But here's the thing is we donot live in caves anymore, so
not getting invited to lunch,it's not the same as being cast
out into the wilderness.
Somebody honking at you...
it is not a threat to yourpersonal survival.
(05:46):
Somebody saying we need totalk...
it doesn't automatically meanthat there's danger, but your
nervous system doesn't alwaysknow that.
So what do we do?
First, we slow it down and westart to ask better questions.
Now, two foundational questionsthat I like to ask myself when
I'm having a big reaction.
(06:06):
It can feel like that big spike,that emotional surge that oh no
feeling.
Two questions I like to ask are,am I safe and do I feel safe?
Yeah, because those two thingsare not the same thing.
So when you ask yourself thosetwo questions, you might start
to notice that you know what?
My body, it feels unsafe rightnow.
But when I look around the room,I can see, okay, well, nobody's
(06:28):
trying to harm me right now.
Nobody is charging at me with aweapon.
I have shelter.
I'm physically safe right now.
I'm not being physicallyattacked.
And so just noticing thatdistinction between, okay, my
body doesn't feel safe, but mymind knows I am safe.
Then it can actually beincredibly grounding.
It can help to bring you backinto the present moment.
And here's another question thatI like to ask when I find myself
(06:51):
having a 10 outta 10 reactionis, okay, is the house on fire
or is this just burned toast?
Because they're both going tocreate a smell.
They both can trigger reaction.
They both can set off the smokealarm, and both of them are
going to get your attention, butthey require very different
(07:12):
responses.
Okay.
If you called 9 1 1 for burnedtoast, then that might be a
problem, right?
Because burned toast, yes, itcan be annoying, it can be
uncomfortable.
It can be a little bit wastefuland inconvenient to have burnt
toast, but it's completelymanageable.
But a house fire, that's when,okay, I need immediate
(07:33):
attention.
I need to call for help.
This is urgent.
This is dangerous.
There's an actual threat to mypersonal safety, and it requires
immediate action to be taken.
And what happens for a lot ofpeople pleasers that haven't
learned how to manage thenervous system, is that
everything starts to feel like ahouse fire.
Everything is a 10 out of 10reaction.
(07:54):
Now, before coaching.
I used to really live in my headabout everything, so if I wasn't
invited somewhere, I would havean instant story in my head.
My 10 out of 10 reaction wouldbe uhoh.
They don't like me.
I must've done something wrong.
I need to fix this.
I would feel very panicked andvery urgent in that situation.
I would spiral, but withcoaching then things have
(08:16):
improved significantly.
For me.
I'm better able to distinguishbetween burn toast and a house
fire, for example, a few yearsago than I was at a women's
event and there was a group ofwomen that I knew we were
friendly.
We were in similar, A few yearsago I was at a women's event and
there was a group of women therethat I knew, and we were
friendly with each other.
We ran around in similarcircles.
We weren't circle close, butyeah, we knew each other pretty
(08:38):
well.
And so I was chatting with thisgroup of women and then at some
point then they started talkingabout their monthly dinner.
They were talking about wherethey were gonna go, what time,
who was coming.
And I was just standing thereuninvited.
And then at that point, then oneof them actually pointed out the
(09:00):
obvious and they said, oh, heyguys, I don't think MaryAnn is
invited.
Maybe we should talk about thislater.
And I was literally standingright there hearing this whole
thing.
And honestly, I wasn't upset.
Because of coaching, I was ableto just be curious about it.
I was curious about, well, howinteresting that they're
choosing to talk about thisright now, and in my presence,
(09:23):
knowing that I'm not invited,but I wasn't hurt.
My house wasn't burning down.
And yeah, this was just a littlebit of stinky burned toast.
My house wasn't burning down.
This was just a little bit ofstinky burned toast.
So they all kind of stood thereawkwardly once it was pointed
out to them.
Ultimately, no, I did not get aninvitation, but you know what I
(09:46):
did do?
I decided to go and find anothergroup to talk to.
And it was fine.
Now, there was a time when thatmoment would've sent me
spinning.
I would've made it mean theydon't like me.
I'm not good enough.
I don't belong here.
Something must be wrong with me.
The alarms would be blaring.
I would be in emergencymanagement mode.
(10:07):
But in reality, it was just alittle bit awkward.
It was a little uncomfortablefor me, but it wasn't dangerous.
And also, let's be honest, theyalready had an established
group.
They were better.
And let's be honest, theyalready had an established
group.
They'd obviously been doing thisfor a while, and I realized
(10:30):
that, yeah, I think that we'rejust better suited to be
acquaintances instead ofintimate friends, and that's
okay.
And also I know that for me, Iprefer to hang out with women
who are inclusive andconsiderate of their audience.
And so honestly, it was fine.
I was able to go and talk withother women and it turned out
just fine.
So let's kind of explore anotherimportant distinction here.
(10:52):
When your house is burning down,you're unsafe.
And when you're unsafe, you'reat risk of serious harm when
there's burn to.
So let's explore.
Now, let's explore thisdistinction a little bit
further.
When your house is burning down,you are literally unsafe.
And when you are unsafe, you areat risk for serious harm.
(11:17):
But when there's bird toast, butwhen there's burned toast, it's
just a little uncomfortable inthe moment and a little
offensive to the nose, andthat's it.
But your brain doesn't alwaysdistinguish between the two of
those things.
Okay?
Your brain's job is just tosound the alarm, to keep you
safe.
Hey, I smell smoke.
You better find the source ofit, and then you get to figure
out what it is that you're gonnado with it.
(11:37):
So your brain is gonna sound thealarm, it's gonna trigger the
smoke detectors, and then youget to figure.
And then you get to figure outhow serious it is.
Now, let's kind of walk throughsome everyday examples and slow
them down a little bit.
Okay?
These are some situations that Isee in my coaching practice
where people might have a bigreaction to them.
Okay?
(11:57):
For example, somebody honks atyou in traffic.
Your brain is going to say, oh,I must have done something
wrong.
They must be mad at me.
I'm unsafe.
But in reality.
The other person, they're justreacting to something you are
still physically safe.
Maybe they just liked yourbumper sticker.
Maybe they're in a hurry, but itdoesn't automatically mean that
(12:18):
you've done anything wrong whensomebody honks.
Okay, so just let it go.
Okay, another example.
You received a, can we talktonight?
Text.
And your brain wants to jumpinto something is wrong.
I'm in trouble.
I must've done something wrongand I don't know what it is, and
I don't know how to fix it.
And now I'm in freak out mode.
But in reality.
It could be something completelyneutral.
(12:39):
They might want to have aninform, they might wanna have an
informational talk with you.
It might even be a positive talkwith you.
We don't know.
So don't let your brain run awaywith one storyline just because
the alarm bells are going off.
Okay?
Another example.
You weren't invited tosomething.
Your brain is going to say, I'mbeing rejected.
They don't like me.
(13:01):
They don't like me.
We must not be friends anymore,when in reality, there could be
a hundred reasons that youweren't invited that have
nothing to do with your worth.
All right?
Let's say that you are gettingyour performance review at work,
and your brain wants to say, I'mfailing.
I'm going to get fired.
This is the end.
But the truth is that feedback,it's just a part of growth and
(13:23):
feeling a little bit ofdiscomfort, it doesn't
automatically mean that you arein danger.
Okay?
So just embrace the.
Okay, so just embrace, yourbrain is going to say, I'm
failing.
I don't.
I'm, your brain is going to say,I'm failing.
I'm gonna get fired.
This is the end for me.
(13:45):
But in reality, then guess what?
Critical feedback.
It's just a part of growth.
Being uncomfortable.
Hearing that critical feedback,it doesn't.
Being uncomfortable hearing thatcritical feedback, it doesn't
automatically mean that you'rein danger.
All right.
Another really common one,somebody's disappointed in you.
Your brain is gonna say, oh no,I've messed up.
(14:05):
I need to fix this.
I must have done somethingwrong.
When in reality, guess what?
You can survive somebody else'sfeelings and they're being
upset.
It doesn't necessarily mean thatyou've done anything wrong, and
I especially wanna repeat thisfor all of my parents of
teenagers, guess what?
They're gonna have feelings.
There's gonna be days when theydon't like you.
It does not automatically mean.
(14:27):
That you're a bad parent.
Okay?
All right.
Another example, your child getsa poor grade and your brain's
gonna jump into, oh no, this isa pattern.
This is the beginning of theend.
They're going to struggleforever.
I must be failing as a parent.
What is the teacher going tothink of me?
But what if your kid was justtired that day?
What if they didn't understandthe assignment?
(14:48):
What if they had an off day?
What if this is a learningopportunity and it's better that
they fail on this one assignmentso that they can learn the
lesson and they don't fail lateron in life?
What if this is perfect timing?
So seeing this as a burnt toastsituation, it can help you to
respond with curiosity insteadof panic instead of panic.
(15:09):
All right.
Now imagine that you are in anear car accident, okay?
So your nervous system, it'scompletely lit up right now and
you're thinking, oh no, that wasclose.
We're not safe.
We're not safe.
I can't believe that almosthappened, but pause for a
moment, what actually happened.
You're okay.
Yeah, everybody is okay.
(15:30):
Your body is currently reactingto what could have happened.
It's not responding to what didhappen, so just slow it down and
remind yourself that, okay,these alarm bell, and just
remind yourself that, okay,these alarm bells, they're here
to keep me safe, but I am safe.
Okay?
That's another situation whereit's very helpful to ask
yourself the question, am Isafe?
(15:50):
Do I feel safe?
And kind of bringing a littlebit of distinction in there so
that you can get more groundedin that situation.
When everything feels like ahouse is on fire, then you're
living in constant urgency, aconstant state of emergency.
You're in constant anxiety,you're in constant self
abandonment.
But when you learn todistinguish between, but when
(16:12):
you learn to distinguish betweenburn toast and a house fire,
that's when you can create somespace, okay?
And in that space, you get tochoose a more appropriate
response.
Now, if you take nothing elsefrom this episode, I want you to
take this when you feel yourselfbeing triggered, just pause and
ask yourself, am I safe?
(16:33):
Do I feel safe?
And is this a house fire or isit just burned toast?
And then let it be okay if it'sjust uncomfortable.
You do not have to fix itimmediately.
You don't even have to make itgo away.
You can just be with thediscomfort and know that that
stinky smell, the house is gonnaair out eventually.
(16:54):
It's going to be okay.
Now, if you recognize yourselfin this, if your brain tends to
treat everything like anemergency, I want you to know
that you can learn how totolerate discomfort.
You can learn how to staygrounded.
Even when you smell smoke andthe smoke alarms are going off,
you can learn how to rewrite thestory that your brain is telling
you into something that's moresupportive for you in the life
(17:16):
that you wanna create.
And that is exactly what I dowith my coaching clients.
So if you're ready to stopliving in constant house fire
mode and start responding from aplace of calm clarity.
And self-trust, then I wouldlove to support you.
I'm currently filling up mysummer calendar and I would love
to have you on it so you canemail me at
maryann@maryannwalker.life orclick the link in the show notes
(17:38):
now to check out my currentavailability.
I would love to work with you.
You are not in danger.
You are just learning how to sitwith a little bit of stinky
burned toast and it's going tobe okay.
All right.
I promise you can handle it.
All right, well, I hope you havea great week and let's talk
soon.
Bye now.
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