May 14, 2026 • 15 mins
Do you tend to default to negative thoughts or positive thinking? What if the truth is actually somewhere in the middle?
In this week’s episode, we explore the practice of coming up with three different ways to think about any situation. When you can see that there isn’t just one “right” way to interpret what’s happening, it helps you step back, see things more clearly, and begin choosing your thoughts with intention instead of autopilot.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode
- Why the brain naturally has a negativity bias
- How optimism can sometimes keep us stuck or lead to burnout
- How to practice “best friend thoughts” that feel supportive and compassionate
- Why neutral thoughts can help you see situations more clearly
- How to stop taking every circumstance personally
- Real-life examples of reframing situations in healthier ways
- Why you don’t have to force yourself to feel positive all the time
- How intentional thinking can help build self-confidence and emotional resilience
Challenge for the Week
Choose one neutral circumstance from your life this week and practice coming up with:
- One negative thought
- One positive or “best friend” thought
- One neutral thought
Notice how each thought changes the way you feel emotionally and physically. Pay attention to which thought patterns you naturally default to and practice expanding your perspective.
Remember: your thoughts are optional, and awareness is the first step toward creating change.
Work With Me
If you’re ready to stop overthinking, navigate your emotions more effectively, and create healthier thought patterns, I’d love to support you.
I offer one-on-one coaching for recovering people-pleasers and highly sensitive people who want to build self-trust, set healthier boundaries, and feel more emotionally grounded.
What's your next step? Book a free clarity call here to see if we are a good fit: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult
$7 Meditation for a limited time! I also created a special 20-minute meditation for recovering people-pleasers featuring over 100 affirmations designed to help rewire your brain for self-trust, boundaries, and emotional peace. It’s an easy and supportive way to practice more intentional thinking each day, but it's only available for a limited time at this price, so grab yours now! https://maryannwalker-life.kit.com/products/stop-people-pleasing-meditation
Don’t Forget to Subscribe
If this episode resonated with you, make sure you subscribe to Inner Work with MaryAnn Walker so you never miss an episode. And if you know someone who tends to get stuck in negative thinking or overanalyzing, share this episode with them — it may be exactly what they need to hear this week.
Links Mentioned in This Episode
- MaryAnn Walker Life Coaching Website: https://maryannwalker.life/
- Free Clarity Call: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult
- $7 Meditation for Recovering People Pleasers: https://maryannwalker-life.kit.com/products/stop-people-pleasing-meditation
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 6 (00:42):
Well, hello and welcome back.
I hope that everybody is doingwell.
I know that for so many of you,this is a very busy time of year
with all of the end-of-schoolactivities and so many things
going on and graduations.
So I want you to know I'm reallythinking about you.
I'm really empathizing with you.
For me, this is my first yearnot having any school events.
I don't have any kids currentlyin public school, and oh my
(01:04):
goodness, my heart goes out toyou.
So I wanted to share somethingwith you kind of fun.
It is not very often that I dolive events, and I've kind of
missed it a little bit.
It's been a hot minute sinceI've done anything like that.
So I was recently invited tospeak at a women's event, and I
am so looking forward to it.
In fact, the day that thisepisode drops, I will be
(01:25):
presenting at this littlewomen's gathering, and I thought
I would share one of theexercises that I plan to do with
these women because I think itcan be so empowering.
So here's how we're gonna play.
Are you ready?
First, you're gonna come up witha neutral circumstance, and then
you're gonna come up with threedifferent ways to think about
it.
Okay?
So remember, the circumstance iscompletely neutral.
(01:47):
It's not positive or negative.
It's just the facts, and thenyou're gonna come up with one
positive thought, one negativethought, and one neutral
thought, and it sounds simpleenough, right?
And here's why I want you tocome up with three different
thoughts from three differentcategories.
It's really going to challengeyour mind.
It's really going to expand howit is that you engage with the
world, and here's why.
(02:08):
For many people, in fact, formost people, then they tend to
look at the negative.
So the brain has a negativitybias, and this is a safety
mechanism, okay?
So if you tend to look at thenegative, there's nothing wrong
with you.
Your brain just works exactlythe way it was designed.
So your brain is designed toseek out problems to keep you
safe.
So it's gonna be looking, belike,"Oh, watch your step over
(02:30):
there.
Oh, be careful.
That person might be kind ofangry." It's gonna look for all
of these things and say,"Oh, youbetter avoid that," in order to
keep you safe.
That's its job, is to seek outproblems.
But one problem with this isthat when you have a negativity
bias, it's kind of like goingthrough life with blinders on.
So yes, you're going to beseeing all of the problems, but
(02:52):
you're not seeing the wholepicture.
In fact, you're gonna beoverlooking a lot of the
positive things that arehappening around you.
Now, for other people, then theydo have a default setting that
goes towards optimism, andagain, this is in an effort to
keep them safe.
If they can always be on thepositive side, they might not
experience any negativeemotions, right?
(03:12):
That's always the hope.
And this optimism, it can be areally, really helpful thing
when you're wanting to feelgood, when you're wanting to
feel capable, when you'rewanting some forward momentum.
And also, sometimes it's thispositivity that, again, we're
not seeing the whole picture.
We're only looking at thepossibility of what could be and
how amazing it could be.
(03:33):
And so sometimes thispositivity, it can lead us to
bite off more than we can chew,or it can lead us towards
burnout.
And so just like with the brainthat is always looking for the
negative, sometimes the brainthat only sees the positive,
it's not seeing the wholepicture.
And for many people, then thiscould be a potential reason why
they remain stuck in unhealthyand unsupportive relationships,
(03:54):
because they're forever lookingat the potential and how great
things could be with just a fewsmall changes.
And so it might be keeping themstuck in some ways because
they're struggling to radicallyaccept what is, which is
impacting their decision-making.
And to be honest, there aregoing to be some times in life
when having a full-on positivethought, that's going to be a
(04:14):
bit of a challenge, okay?
So we're gonna kinda refer tothe positive thoughts as either
positive thoughts or best friendthoughts, because our best
friend always wants us to feelbetter, right?
So thinking about it in terms ofwhat would my best friend tell
me right now can help you tolook for those positive thoughts
if you struggle with anegativity bias.
And then the third kind ofthought that we're going to be
practicing is just simply havinga neutral thought.
(04:36):
So this is a thought that is notpositive or negative.
It's just neutral.
And this neutrality, it can helpto create some curiosity, and it
can actually help us to seethings a little bit more
clearly.
So these neutral thoughts, Ikind of want you to think of
them as being a judge, okay?
So you're gonna have this sideover here that says,"Here's all
the evidence that I'm right,"and then this side over here
(04:57):
saying,"Oh, no, but I have allof this counter-evidence that
I'm right." And the judge has tosit and decide from a neutral
space what's actually true.
It's taking all of the evidencein, working to see all of it
clearly, and then making adecision.
So oftentimes the judge is gonnasay,"Okay, I hear you, and I
hear you, and I'm actuallyseeing that the truth is
somewhere in the middle." Sopracticing those neutral
(05:20):
thoughts can be very helpful ifyou're wanting to see things a
little bit more clearly.
And then once you've identifiedat least these three different
ways of looking at yourcircumstance, then it's really
helpful because you can see atthat point that, wow, I have
options here.
I'm not locked into one thing.
I'm not stuck.
I'm not trapped.
I have control over what it isthat I want to think, okay?
(05:42):
Nobody can control your thinkingbut you.
And raising your awarenessaround the fact that it is a
choice can be so empowering, andthat's where we can gain and
develop so much self-confidence,is by just recognizing that,
wow, I do have a choice here.
Okay, so that being said, nowlet's play around with a few
examples, okay?
So last week when my lastepisode dropped, then I had a
(06:05):
longtime listener and a formerclient message me on social
media, and she just let me know,"Hey, MaryAnn, I just wanna let
you know that it sounds likeyour unedited version of the
podcast dropped instead of youredited version." And there are
so many different thoughts thatI could think about this, right?
So she let me know the factsthat,"Hey, just so you know,
this is what was uploaded," andthen I have so many options
(06:26):
available to me about what tothink, okay?
So some of the more negativethoughts might be,"Ugh, how
embarrassing.
That is so unprofessional.
People are probably gonna stoplistening.
I'm going to be losinglisteners.
I'm gonna be seeing my downloadsdiminish over this.
I should hide.
I should shut down.
I'm probably not a very goodpodcaster.
(06:47):
I'm probably not even a goodcoach.
I should just quit." But none ofthose thoughts are actually
helpful, okay?
So some more positive thoughtsor some best friend thoughts
might be,"Oh my goodness, Isimply adore Katie.
I am so grateful that she tooktime out of her day to let me
know that there was a problem.
Awe, that was so nice of her,and I'm so grateful that I found
(07:09):
out about it and that I was ableto get it resolved within seven
hours of it dropping instead ofdays or weeks later.
Oh, what a lifesaver.
I sure love my people.
I just so love that they have myback.
I feel so loved and supported bymy community." Now, those
thoughts are significantly moresupportive.
And I will admit that, yes,there was a time when I would've
(07:32):
been absolutely mortified.
And I'll be honest with you,yeah, this has happened before.
It's happened more than oncethat the unedited version went
out.
And over time and throughcoaching, I've been able to
learn how to just radicallyaccept what is without getting
sucked into the mind drama andshutting down.
I've been able to learn how tobetter process in the moment and
see things clearly and justcourse-correct as needed so that
(07:55):
I can just fix the problem andmove on instead of just getting
stuck in my head.
So for me, on this particularday, I mostly had a lot of
positive best friend thoughts,and it felt good to be in that
headspace.
And for me, the most helpfulthoughts were the positive best
friend thoughts about how much Iappreciate Katie.
Thank you, Katie.
(08:15):
And also just a few neutralthoughts, right?
So the neutral thoughts were,"Okay, the file's wrong.
It's time to fix it." That's it.
I didn't have to actually makeit mean anything positive or
negative about me I could justmake it, okay, that's a thing
that happened.
Let's fix it.
All right?
Okay, let's use another example.
And as I share this one, just asa reminder, I want to remind you
(08:37):
that circumstances are neutraluntil we have a thought about
it.
So you're gonna identify yourcircumstance and make sure it
has no emotion attached to it,no personal bias, okay?
So for example, if somebody cameto me on a coaching call and
they said,"My partner is sorude," they might be saying it
like it's a fact, but it's not afact.
(08:58):
It's just a thought.
They can tell me that theirpartner's so rude, but I have no
idea what actually happened.
Okay?
So in this particular instance,I might say,"Hey, can you tell
me what happened?
What are you saying?
Like, why was your partner beingrude?
What happened?" And then theymight say,"Well, I tried a new
recipe, and they said that theydidn't like it." Okay.
(09:19):
Neutral circumstance is partnersaid that they didn't like the
new recipe that I tried.
And there's a lot of ways thatwe could think about that,
right?
So some negative thoughts, we'vealready identified one, my
partner is so rude.
We might also be thinking,"Theyshould just be grateful that I
cooked." Or we might bethinking,"Well, if they don't
like it, they should do thecooking." Or we might be
thinking,"Well, if they can'tsay something nice, they
(09:40):
shouldn't say anything at all.
Right?
There's so many negativethoughts that we could think
about that.
Now, some best friend thoughtsmight be,"Well, I tried my
best," or maybe,"Hmm, at least Iliked it." Or we might even
think,"You know what?
I'm really glad that my partnerfeels safe enough to let me know
their preferences." Because thetruth is, a lot of people have
food preferences.
(10:01):
You probably also have foodpreferences.
And there's a few foods thatpeople are very opinionated
about.
For example, olives.
I do not personally know anybodythat is neutral about olives.
People either love them or theyhate them.
That's just how it is.
Same with pineapple on pizza.
People have a lot of strongopinions about pineapple on
pizza.
(10:21):
And so you might have positivethoughts or negative thoughts,
or you might even have some moreneutral thoughts like,"Oh, I
wonder what it is that theydidn't like about it.
Is it just that they don't likeolives?
Okay, well, that's easy enoughto change.
Is it that they really don'tlike kale?
Um, what is it?
Do they like their steak cookeddifferently?
Like, what's the problem?
Is there a way that I could makea meal that I like and make it
(10:43):
versatile enough that they couldalso like it?
Or is this something that I'mjust going to make for myself
when they're not at home becauseI really like it and they don't
like it?" Right?
There's just so many ways thatwe could think about it.
But when we're having moreneutral thoughts like,"Oh, I
guess that they just don't likeolives," then we're not taking
it personally.
We're not making it meananything negative about us or
about our partner, right?
(11:05):
We're able to just radicallyaccept things exactly the way
that they are.
Okay, now let's do anotherexample.
I'm gonna use an example of adog because we adopted a dog
from the Humane Society inJanuary, and it's been a little
bit of an adjustment.
Oh my goodness, though, she isthe sweetest thing.
I absolutely adore her.
But we've had a few messes inthe house.
So we're gonna use that as ourexample.
(11:25):
Your dog made a mess on thecarpet.
Now, more than likely, you'renot going to be super optimistic
about this one.
This might be a situation whereyou actually lean a little bit
more towards being eithernegative or neutral.
You do not have to be happy thatyour dog peed on the carpet,
okay?
So some negative thoughts mightbe,"I can't believe that my
partner didn't let the dog out.
(11:46):
This is all their fault.
They should have known to letthe dog out." Or we might be
thinking,"You know what?
That dog is always doing thingsthat they shouldn't be doing.
Boy, that's frustrating.
I hate cleaning up pee." Thoseare all the negative thoughts we
could be thinking.
Some best friend thoughts mightbe,"Eh, these things happen." Or
we might even think,"Boy, I'mglad I have my own carpet
cleaner.
(12:06):
That makes things easier." Or,"Well, at least my dog is cute."
Those are the best friendthoughts, right?
And some neutral thoughts mightjust be,"I guess it's time to
clean the carpet," right?
It's no big deal.
It's just time to clean thecarpet.
It's not a problem.
Now, the main thing that I wantyou to notice is that all
thoughts are optional.
There are so many thoughts thatwe could think, and some
(12:28):
thoughts are gonna feel good andsupportive, and other thoughts
are gonna feel terrible, andthen other thoughts are just
gonna kind of neutralize thesituation.
They all serve a purpose, andonce you're better able to
recognize that all thoughts areoptional, that's when you're
able to more intentionallychoose into them, right?
That's where theself-empowerment is, is I can't
control my circumstances, but Ican always control how it is I'm
(12:52):
choosing to think about mycircumstances, and there are a
million different ways to thinkabout it.
Also, I wanna point out thatthere are times when you might
just wanna feel bad And that'sokay.
Feelings are a part of life.
Life is fifty percent positiveand fifty percent negative.
It just is.
That is the human experience.
(13:13):
And I know that for me, I do notwant to jump up and down for joy
when somebody close to me dies.
I actually want to feel grief.
I want to feel sadness.
I want to miss them.
I want to feel those feelings,and that's okay.
Also, as another example, if Iwas working for somebody else
and I got laid off, I would notwant to immediately jump into,
(13:33):
"Oh, thank you so much for thisopportunity to work somewhere
else.
I'm so excited to rewrite myresume.
I'm so excited to learn somebodyelse's new systems and protocols
and how to do my work.
Oh, I'm so excited about all ofthis." I wouldn't want to do
that, right?
I would want to feel my grief,and then later I could look at
the bright side.
So notice too the timing ofthese thoughts, that sometimes
you just wanna feel bad, andthat's okay.
(13:56):
You don't need to make yourselffeel worse by telling yourself
that you shouldn't be feelingbad.
The goal is not to always feelgood.
The goal is simply to raise yourown personal awareness around
the fact that your thoughtscreate your feelings, and then
choose your thoughts moreintentionally.
So this week, just start tonotice where your thoughts are.
(14:16):
Just kind of notice where you'rekind of leaning towards the
negative.
Notice where you're leaningtowards the positive, and notice
where you're practicing justbeing a little bit more neutral
about what's going on aroundyou.
And see if you can come up withat least three ways to think
about your specific situation.
And of course, if you would likehelp and support learning how to
navigate your mind, learning howto navigate your emotions,
(14:37):
learning how to create newthoughts, you know that I've got
you.
So you can click the link in theshow notes to come and work with
me.
And also, I want to let you knowabout a special offering that I
have for you.
I have personally created a20-minute meditation just for
you, just for recoveringpeople-pleasers.
This meditation, it containsover 100 affirmations
specifically for recoveringpeople-pleasers.
(14:59):
It's there to help you to rewireyour brain, help you to use your
thoughts in more supportiveways, and it just gives me a way
to be in your ear for 20 minutesa day.
Now, this is a more upbeatmeditation, and so yes, you can
listen to it as you're fallingasleep, but it's also okay to
listen to as you're taking awalk or as you're doing the
dishes.
And it's just one small way thatyou can practice into new
(15:20):
thoughts, and it's available toyou for only$7.
So check out the link in theshow notes and until next week,
you know, here's to being moreintentional with our thoughts,
and I'll see you next time.
Bye now
Well, hello and welcome back.
I hope that everybody is doingwell.
I know that for so many of you,this is a very busy time of year
with all of the end-of-schoolactivities and so many things
going on and graduations.
So I want you to know I'm reallythinking about you.
I'm really empathizing with you.
For me, this is my first yearnot having any school events.
I don't have any kids currentlyin public school, and oh my
(01:04):
goodness, my heart goes out toyou.
So I wanted to share somethingwith you kind of fun.
It is not very often that I dolive events, and I've kind of
missed it a little bit.
It's been a hot minute sinceI've done anything like that.
So I was recently invited tospeak at a women's event, and I
am so looking forward to it.
In fact, the day that thisepisode drops, I will be
(01:25):
presenting at this littlewomen's gathering, and I thought
I would share one of theexercises that I plan to do with
these women because I think itcan be so empowering.
So here's how we're gonna play.
Are you ready?
First, you're gonna come up witha neutral circumstance, and then
you're gonna come up with threedifferent ways to think about
it.
Okay?
So remember, the circumstance iscompletely neutral.
(01:47):
It's not positive or negative.
It's just the facts, and thenyou're gonna come up with one
positive thought, one negativethought, and one neutral
thought, and it sounds simpleenough, right?
And here's why I want you tocome up with three different
thoughts from three differentcategories.
It's really going to challengeyour mind.
It's really going to expand howit is that you engage with the
world, and here's why.
(02:08):
For many people, in fact, formost people, then they tend to
look at the negative.
So the brain has a negativitybias, and this is a safety
mechanism, okay?
So if you tend to look at thenegative, there's nothing wrong
with you.
Your brain just works exactlythe way it was designed.
So your brain is designed toseek out problems to keep you
safe.
So it's gonna be looking, belike,"Oh, watch your step over
(02:30):
there.
Oh, be careful.
That person might be kind ofangry." It's gonna look for all
of these things and say,"Oh, youbetter avoid that," in order to
keep you safe.
That's its job, is to seek outproblems.
But one problem with this isthat when you have a negativity
bias, it's kind of like goingthrough life with blinders on.
So yes, you're going to beseeing all of the problems, but
(02:52):
you're not seeing the wholepicture.
In fact, you're gonna beoverlooking a lot of the
positive things that arehappening around you.
Now, for other people, then theydo have a default setting that
goes towards optimism, andagain, this is in an effort to
keep them safe.
If they can always be on thepositive side, they might not
experience any negativeemotions, right?
(03:12):
That's always the hope.
And this optimism, it can be areally, really helpful thing
when you're wanting to feelgood, when you're wanting to
feel capable, when you'rewanting some forward momentum.
And also, sometimes it's thispositivity that, again, we're
not seeing the whole picture.
We're only looking at thepossibility of what could be and
how amazing it could be.
(03:33):
And so sometimes thispositivity, it can lead us to
bite off more than we can chew,or it can lead us towards
burnout.
And so just like with the brainthat is always looking for the
negative, sometimes the brainthat only sees the positive,
it's not seeing the wholepicture.
And for many people, then thiscould be a potential reason why
they remain stuck in unhealthyand unsupportive relationships,
(03:54):
because they're forever lookingat the potential and how great
things could be with just a fewsmall changes.
And so it might be keeping themstuck in some ways because
they're struggling to radicallyaccept what is, which is
impacting their decision-making.
And to be honest, there aregoing to be some times in life
when having a full-on positivethought, that's going to be a
(04:14):
bit of a challenge, okay?
So we're gonna kinda refer tothe positive thoughts as either
positive thoughts or best friendthoughts, because our best
friend always wants us to feelbetter, right?
So thinking about it in terms ofwhat would my best friend tell
me right now can help you tolook for those positive thoughts
if you struggle with anegativity bias.
And then the third kind ofthought that we're going to be
practicing is just simply havinga neutral thought.
(04:36):
So this is a thought that is notpositive or negative.
It's just neutral.
And this neutrality, it can helpto create some curiosity, and it
can actually help us to seethings a little bit more
clearly.
So these neutral thoughts, Ikind of want you to think of
them as being a judge, okay?
So you're gonna have this sideover here that says,"Here's all
the evidence that I'm right,"and then this side over here
(04:57):
saying,"Oh, no, but I have allof this counter-evidence that
I'm right." And the judge has tosit and decide from a neutral
space what's actually true.
It's taking all of the evidencein, working to see all of it
clearly, and then making adecision.
So oftentimes the judge is gonnasay,"Okay, I hear you, and I
hear you, and I'm actuallyseeing that the truth is
somewhere in the middle." Sopracticing those neutral
(05:20):
thoughts can be very helpful ifyou're wanting to see things a
little bit more clearly.
And then once you've identifiedat least these three different
ways of looking at yourcircumstance, then it's really
helpful because you can see atthat point that, wow, I have
options here.
I'm not locked into one thing.
I'm not stuck.
I'm not trapped.
I have control over what it isthat I want to think, okay?
(05:42):
Nobody can control your thinkingbut you.
And raising your awarenessaround the fact that it is a
choice can be so empowering, andthat's where we can gain and
develop so much self-confidence,is by just recognizing that,
wow, I do have a choice here.
Okay, so that being said, nowlet's play around with a few
examples, okay?
So last week when my lastepisode dropped, then I had a
(06:05):
longtime listener and a formerclient message me on social
media, and she just let me know,"Hey, MaryAnn, I just wanna let
you know that it sounds likeyour unedited version of the
podcast dropped instead of youredited version." And there are
so many different thoughts thatI could think about this, right?
So she let me know the factsthat,"Hey, just so you know,
this is what was uploaded," andthen I have so many options
(06:26):
available to me about what tothink, okay?
So some of the more negativethoughts might be,"Ugh, how
embarrassing.
That is so unprofessional.
People are probably gonna stoplistening.
I'm going to be losinglisteners.
I'm gonna be seeing my downloadsdiminish over this.
I should hide.
I should shut down.
I'm probably not a very goodpodcaster.
(06:47):
I'm probably not even a goodcoach.
I should just quit." But none ofthose thoughts are actually
helpful, okay?
So some more positive thoughtsor some best friend thoughts
might be,"Oh my goodness, Isimply adore Katie.
I am so grateful that she tooktime out of her day to let me
know that there was a problem.
Awe, that was so nice of her,and I'm so grateful that I found
(07:09):
out about it and that I was ableto get it resolved within seven
hours of it dropping instead ofdays or weeks later.
Oh, what a lifesaver.
I sure love my people.
I just so love that they have myback.
I feel so loved and supported bymy community." Now, those
thoughts are significantly moresupportive.
And I will admit that, yes,there was a time when I would've
(07:32):
been absolutely mortified.
And I'll be honest with you,yeah, this has happened before.
It's happened more than oncethat the unedited version went
out.
And over time and throughcoaching, I've been able to
learn how to just radicallyaccept what is without getting
sucked into the mind drama andshutting down.
I've been able to learn how tobetter process in the moment and
see things clearly and justcourse-correct as needed so that
(07:55):
I can just fix the problem andmove on instead of just getting
stuck in my head.
So for me, on this particularday, I mostly had a lot of
positive best friend thoughts,and it felt good to be in that
headspace.
And for me, the most helpfulthoughts were the positive best
friend thoughts about how much Iappreciate Katie.
Thank you, Katie.
(08:15):
And also just a few neutralthoughts, right?
So the neutral thoughts were,"Okay, the file's wrong.
It's time to fix it." That's it.
I didn't have to actually makeit mean anything positive or
negative about me I could justmake it, okay, that's a thing
that happened.
Let's fix it.
All right?
Okay, let's use another example.
And as I share this one, just asa reminder, I want to remind you
(08:37):
that circumstances are neutraluntil we have a thought about
it.
So you're gonna identify yourcircumstance and make sure it
has no emotion attached to it,no personal bias, okay?
So for example, if somebody cameto me on a coaching call and
they said,"My partner is sorude," they might be saying it
like it's a fact, but it's not afact.
(08:58):
It's just a thought.
They can tell me that theirpartner's so rude, but I have no
idea what actually happened.
Okay?
So in this particular instance,I might say,"Hey, can you tell
me what happened?
What are you saying?
Like, why was your partner beingrude?
What happened?" And then theymight say,"Well, I tried a new
recipe, and they said that theydidn't like it." Okay.
(09:19):
Neutral circumstance is partnersaid that they didn't like the
new recipe that I tried.
And there's a lot of ways thatwe could think about that,
right?
So some negative thoughts, we'vealready identified one, my
partner is so rude.
We might also be thinking,"Theyshould just be grateful that I
cooked." Or we might bethinking,"Well, if they don't
like it, they should do thecooking." Or we might be
thinking,"Well, if they can'tsay something nice, they
(09:40):
shouldn't say anything at all.
Right?
There's so many negativethoughts that we could think
about that.
Now, some best friend thoughtsmight be,"Well, I tried my
best," or maybe,"Hmm, at least Iliked it." Or we might even
think,"You know what?
I'm really glad that my partnerfeels safe enough to let me know
their preferences." Because thetruth is, a lot of people have
food preferences.
(10:01):
You probably also have foodpreferences.
And there's a few foods thatpeople are very opinionated
about.
For example, olives.
I do not personally know anybodythat is neutral about olives.
People either love them or theyhate them.
That's just how it is.
Same with pineapple on pizza.
People have a lot of strongopinions about pineapple on
pizza.
(10:21):
And so you might have positivethoughts or negative thoughts,
or you might even have some moreneutral thoughts like,"Oh, I
wonder what it is that theydidn't like about it.
Is it just that they don't likeolives?
Okay, well, that's easy enoughto change.
Is it that they really don'tlike kale?
Um, what is it?
Do they like their steak cookeddifferently?
Like, what's the problem?
Is there a way that I could makea meal that I like and make it
(10:43):
versatile enough that they couldalso like it?
Or is this something that I'mjust going to make for myself
when they're not at home becauseI really like it and they don't
like it?" Right?
There's just so many ways thatwe could think about it.
But when we're having moreneutral thoughts like,"Oh, I
guess that they just don't likeolives," then we're not taking
it personally.
We're not making it meananything negative about us or
about our partner, right?
(11:05):
We're able to just radicallyaccept things exactly the way
that they are.
Okay, now let's do anotherexample.
I'm gonna use an example of adog because we adopted a dog
from the Humane Society inJanuary, and it's been a little
bit of an adjustment.
Oh my goodness, though, she isthe sweetest thing.
I absolutely adore her.
But we've had a few messes inthe house.
So we're gonna use that as ourexample.
(11:25):
Your dog made a mess on thecarpet.
Now, more than likely, you'renot going to be super optimistic
about this one.
This might be a situation whereyou actually lean a little bit
more towards being eithernegative or neutral.
You do not have to be happy thatyour dog peed on the carpet,
okay?
So some negative thoughts mightbe,"I can't believe that my
partner didn't let the dog out.
(11:46):
This is all their fault.
They should have known to letthe dog out." Or we might be
thinking,"You know what?
That dog is always doing thingsthat they shouldn't be doing.
Boy, that's frustrating.
I hate cleaning up pee." Thoseare all the negative thoughts we
could be thinking.
Some best friend thoughts mightbe,"Eh, these things happen." Or
we might even think,"Boy, I'mglad I have my own carpet
cleaner.
(12:06):
That makes things easier." Or,"Well, at least my dog is cute."
Those are the best friendthoughts, right?
And some neutral thoughts mightjust be,"I guess it's time to
clean the carpet," right?
It's no big deal.
It's just time to clean thecarpet.
It's not a problem.
Now, the main thing that I wantyou to notice is that all
thoughts are optional.
There are so many thoughts thatwe could think, and some
(12:28):
thoughts are gonna feel good andsupportive, and other thoughts
are gonna feel terrible, andthen other thoughts are just
gonna kind of neutralize thesituation.
They all serve a purpose, andonce you're better able to
recognize that all thoughts areoptional, that's when you're
able to more intentionallychoose into them, right?
That's where theself-empowerment is, is I can't
control my circumstances, but Ican always control how it is I'm
(12:52):
choosing to think about mycircumstances, and there are a
million different ways to thinkabout it.
Also, I wanna point out thatthere are times when you might
just wanna feel bad And that'sokay.
Feelings are a part of life.
Life is fifty percent positiveand fifty percent negative.
It just is.
That is the human experience.
(13:13):
And I know that for me, I do notwant to jump up and down for joy
when somebody close to me dies.
I actually want to feel grief.
I want to feel sadness.
I want to miss them.
I want to feel those feelings,and that's okay.
Also, as another example, if Iwas working for somebody else
and I got laid off, I would notwant to immediately jump into,
(13:33):
"Oh, thank you so much for thisopportunity to work somewhere
else.
I'm so excited to rewrite myresume.
I'm so excited to learn somebodyelse's new systems and protocols
and how to do my work.
Oh, I'm so excited about all ofthis." I wouldn't want to do
that, right?
I would want to feel my grief,and then later I could look at
the bright side.
So notice too the timing ofthese thoughts, that sometimes
you just wanna feel bad, andthat's okay.
(13:56):
You don't need to make yourselffeel worse by telling yourself
that you shouldn't be feelingbad.
The goal is not to always feelgood.
The goal is simply to raise yourown personal awareness around
the fact that your thoughtscreate your feelings, and then
choose your thoughts moreintentionally.
So this week, just start tonotice where your thoughts are.
(14:16):
Just kind of notice where you'rekind of leaning towards the
negative.
Notice where you're leaningtowards the positive, and notice
where you're practicing justbeing a little bit more neutral
about what's going on aroundyou.
And see if you can come up withat least three ways to think
about your specific situation.
And of course, if you would likehelp and support learning how to
navigate your mind, learning howto navigate your emotions,
(14:37):
learning how to create newthoughts, you know that I've got
you.
So you can click the link in theshow notes to come and work with
me.
And also, I want to let you knowabout a special offering that I
have for you.
I have personally created a20-minute meditation just for
you, just for recoveringpeople-pleasers.
This meditation, it containsover 100 affirmations
specifically for recoveringpeople-pleasers.
(14:59):
It's there to help you to rewireyour brain, help you to use your
thoughts in more supportiveways, and it just gives me a way
to be in your ear for 20 minutesa day.
Now, this is a more upbeatmeditation, and so yes, you can
listen to it as you're fallingasleep, but it's also okay to
listen to as you're taking awalk or as you're doing the
dishes.
And it's just one small way thatyou can practice into new
(15:20):
thoughts, and it's available toyou for only$7.
So check out the link in theshow notes and until next week,
you know, here's to being moreintentional with our thoughts,
and I'll see you next time.
Bye now
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