May 21, 2026 • 21 mins
What if the reason you feel drained isn’t because you’re doing too much—but because you’re doing too much of what doesn’t actually matter to you? In this episode, MaryAnn Walker explores how many recovering people pleasers lose touch with their own wants and needs after years of living by other people’s expectations, checklists, and definitions of “a good life.” Over time, this creates exhaustion, resentment, and a quiet sense of disconnection from yourself.
Through real client stories and personal reflection, MaryAnn unpacks how easy it is to end up saying yes to careers, relationships, routines, and even home decor without ever stopping to ask, “Do I actually like this?” She explains why so many people pleasers struggle to identify their own preferences—and how this isn’t a flaw, but a learned pattern from prioritizing everyone else’s comfort over their own self-awareness.
You’ll walk away with simple, practical ways to start rebuilding that connection to yourself: slowing down before answering, practicing small daily preferences, and learning to treat your needs as valid information instead of a burden. If you’ve been feeling lost, stuck, or unsure of what you actually want, this episode will help you start finding your way back to you.
Work With Me
If you’re ready to stop overthinking, navigate your emotions more effectively, and create healthier thought patterns, I’d love to support you.
I offer one-on-one coaching for recovering people-pleasers and highly sensitive people who want to build self-trust, set healthier boundaries, and feel more emotionally grounded.
What's your next step? Book a free clarity call here to see if we are a good fit: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult
$7 Meditation for a limited time! I also created a special 20-minute meditation for recovering people-pleasers featuring over 100 affirmations designed to help rewire your brain for self-trust, boundaries, and emotional peace. It’s an easy and supportive way to practice more intentional thinking each day, but it's only available for a limited time at this price, so grab yours now! https://maryannwalker-life.kit.com/products/stop-people-pleasing-meditation
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Links Mentioned in This Episode
- MaryAnn Walker Life Coaching Website: https://maryannwalker.life/
- Free Clarity Call: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult
- $7 Meditation for Recovering People Pleasers: https://maryannwalker-life.kit.com/products/stop-people-pleasing-meditation
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 2 (00:42):
What if the real reason why you're feeling
drained isn't because you'redoing too much, but because
you're not actually making spacefor the things that really light
you up and bring you joy?
As a coach for recovering peoplepleasers, so often in my
practice I see people who havebeen living their life according
to other people's checklists.
So maybe their checklist comesfrom their parents, maybe it
comes from their partner, maybeit comes from their church or
(01:03):
their community, but they havethis checklist in their mind,
and that's how they've beenliving their lives.
They've been told their wholelives that this checklist should
make you happy.
If you just follow this list ofinstructions, then you'll have
joy.
This is what you should do for acareer.
This is what you should do as aparent.
This is what you should do forall of these different areas of
life, and if you do this, thenyou'll find joy and happiness.
(01:23):
But guess what?
Then they come into coaching,and they're feeling unfulfilled.
And not only are they feelingunfulfilled, but they don't even
know what it is that they wantor need anymore because they've
been tuned into what otherpeople think they should want
and need, but they've nevertaken the time to really
discover what it is that theyactually want.
For example, there was one womanthat I coached who was feeling a
little bit stuck.
(01:44):
She had been raised in areligion that told her that her
place was in the home, and sheenjoyed being home with her
kids.
But because she was home withher kids, she never received a
degree.
She never really thought aboutwhat it was that she might like
career-wise.
So now that the kids wereleaving the nest, she was kind
of faced with a decision.
She was currently in a job thatdidn't require a degree, but it
wasn't very fulfilling for her,and she wasn't sure,"Okay, well,
(02:05):
do I wanna go back to school?
And if I did, what would I evenwant to do?" She had no idea who
it was that she was anymorebecause she'd never taken the
time to just sit with herselfand ask that question.
Another client, she wasstruggling to decide which job
opportunity she should take.
Everybody had an idea as towhich job would be more
appealing for her, and all sheneeded was a safe space to
(02:26):
explore those ideas to see,"Okay, which job actually
resonates with me?
Which job is going to help me tofeel fulfilled?" And all she
needed was a safe space free ofjudgment and free of any other
checklists or lists ofinstructions as to what she
should do.
She did not need another persontelling her what she should do.
She just needed a safe place toreflect on what it was that she
actually wanted.
(02:48):
Still another client, she waslooking at her closet one day
and realized,"Oh my goodness, Ihave even been buying my
wardrobe according to someoneelse's checklist." Or rather in
this case, it was what shethought someone else's checklist
might be.
So in order to be a responsiblewife, in order to be a
responsible mother, she workedreally hard to not spend any
money on herself.
(03:09):
So her entire closet was filledwith clothes not only from the
clearance rack, but everythingwas black She figured,"This will
make it so much easier for meto, you know, hide stains, to
coordinate outfits.
I'm just gonna wear black allthe time." But that wasn't a
reflection of who she actuallywas on the inside.
She didn't even know what styleshe might like, but she knew
that black was no longer servingher, that she wanted more
(03:30):
movement, she wanted lessrestriction, she wanted more
color and more freedom ofself-expression, but had never
given herself an opportunity tojust sit and look through
different fashion designs andsee,"Okay, what might be fun for
me to wear?
What might I actually enjoy?"And recognizing that she could
still be fiscally responsible ifthat was a value of hers and
(03:50):
find a way to express herselfNow, so often than my clients,
they haven't actually taken thattime to identify what is it that
might make me feel good?
What is it that I actually want?
Now, I confess that when I firstgot married and me and my
husband had our first place, Ididn't really design the space
according to something that feltgood to me.
I'd never designed a spacebefore really, and so I thought,
(04:12):
"Well, you know, I'll, I'll justkinda, you know, I'll look
through the magazines and seewhat's popular, and I'll do it
that way." And so I had basicfurniture.
I had basic artwork.
Everything was just basic,basic, very beige It was not
really a reflection of who I am.
And it took me a while torealize that, you know what?
This is my house.
Why am I decorating my home, whyam I painting my home to be so
(04:36):
generic that it's gonna havegreat resale value, right?
That, okay, well, I need to makeit super generic so it will
appeal to everybody.
Well, guess what?
When it appeals to everybody, itkind of appeals to nobody So I
started actually expressingmyself in my home, putting
things in my home purely tobring me joy.
In fact, right now, like, Ireally love adding a little bit
of whimsy here and there.
So in my main bathroom in myhouse, hanging just over the
(04:59):
toilet, I have a golden handthat is holding a vial that I
put my propagates in.
I love propagating my plants.
I'm always propagatingsomething, and I thought,"You
know what?
I'm gonna put a cute plant overmy toilet, and I'm gonna have
this golden hand coming out ofthe wall, 3D, to hold it." And
it just adds a little bit of joyand whimsy.
Guess what?
(05:19):
There's gonna be people thatcome over to my house that don't
care for it and think thatthat's silly or tacky, but I
absolutely love it But I had totake some time to decide that
what I wanted was actually apriority for me, that me
experiencing joy, that me havingthings around me that make me
happy, that that was actuallysomething of importance.
(05:40):
Now, many people pleasers, thenthey have become accustomed over
time to tracking other people'semotional states more than their
own, to track other people'swants and desires over their
own.
They've made that a value, andthat can be a great thing,
right?
When you wanna make peoplehappy, it can be so good to be
able to tune into them and say,"Okay, what is it that they
might want?
What would bring them joy?"There is some joy that comes
(06:01):
with that, with bringing otherpeople joy and happiness.
But when that's your sole focus,is bringing other people joy,
then we tend to minimize ordevalue what it is that we
actually want, and this is whenwe become a little bit
disassociated from ourselves.
We no longer know what it isthat we even like anymore.
And this kind of reminds me, Iknow I've talked about it here
(06:23):
on the podcast before, but it'sbeen a hot minute, so I'm giving
myself a pass.
But one of my favorite moviescenes of all times for this
population is that scene in TheRunaway Bride where she finally
sits down and she makes eggs ofevery different kind, right?
So she's got eggs Benedict, eggsover easy, scrambled, fried, all
of these things.
And she's finally sitting downand trying a whole bunch of
different eggs to discover howshe likes her eggs.
(06:46):
Because every relationship thatshe'd been in, she would simply
say,"Oh, I'll just have whatyou're having," and was very
agreeable, which looks great onthe surface, right?
But when you're going throughlife constantly agreeing with
other people, then it doesactually minimize who you are,
and it can create that confusionwhere then you no longer know
what it is that you actuallylike or what it is that you
enjoy.
(07:07):
So today we're going to betalking about why it is
important to get your needs mettoo, and also how to identify
your needs and how to get thoseneeds met.
So first of all, why is it soimportant to make sure that your
needs are met too?
Now, we have all heard theanalogy that,"Hey, make sure you
put on your own air mask first."But for many people pleasers,
they do not even identify thatthey need air until the plane is
(07:29):
already going down, until thingshave already reached critical
mass.
And at that point, you know, theemotions are really high.
It's harder to articulate whatit is that you need.
You might just be gasping forair.
But because you've become soaccustomed to putting air masks
on everyone else, you make thatyour priority, and then guess
what?
You're no longer able to catch abreath, and it can create real
problems.
(07:49):
So learning how to state yourneeds is critical, okay?
And the goal is not to beable...
I mean, yes, we want to be ableto identify our needs when we
have reached critical mass.
But if you can learn to identifyyour needs ahead of time before
it's reached that level, it'sgoing to significantly decrease
the anxiety that you're feelingin a relationship.
It's going to increase theintimacy that you're
experiencing in a relationship,and it's going to make your
(08:11):
relationships more balanced inthe giving and receiving.
Because I know how much you'regiving, and guess what?
The people that you are in arelationship with, they
genuinely want to know how tofill your cup.
They want to know what it isthat you need.
But they've grown accustomed toyou minimizing your needs or
simply agreeing with them, andso they also assume,"Oh yeah,
she'll just have what I'mhaving.
We like the same things, right?"So practice actually stating
(08:35):
your needs.
When we are very vague about ourneeds, which is what most people
do, is they're just vague,right?
They're like,"Oh, I don't know.
I'll just have whatever you'rehaving." But when we're vague
about what it is that we need,it makes it so much harder for
other people to fulfill yourneeds.
And I totally get it because I'ma recovering people pleaser
myself, and I remember havingthe moment when I thought,"Okay,
I need to state my needs, and Ineed to be responsible for what
(08:57):
it is that I want." But for me,it felt so tedious in the
beginning.
It felt so hard to articulate myneeds.
It can feel like,"Okay, here Iam, yet again, taking on the
lion's share of the emotionallabor in a relationship." But
here's the thing, is learning toarticulate your needs in the
moment, it's not taking onadditional emotional labor that
doesn't belong to you.
(09:18):
It's actually taking ownershipof your own needs, which is
very, very different.
So up until this point, okay, ifyou're listening here, more than
likely then, you know, we'llthink about this in terms of a
workout.
So let's say that you're usingyour right arm to serve other
people, and every time thatyou're helping somebody else,
tuning into their needs, um,making sure that their needs are
met, making sure their wants aremet, checking in on them to see
(09:39):
how they're doing, you'reworking that muscle on your
right side, okay?
That bicep is doing all thosecurls, doing all those reps, and
it's getting so big and amazing.
But on the left side, that's theone where you're trying to tune
into,"Okay, but what is it thatI need right now?
What do I want right now?
How can I get my needs met?"That muscle is simply
underdeveloped.
And sometimes we think, okay,you know, just like I said, we
(10:01):
think,"Okay, but it's me takingtoo much ownership if I'm
putting in the work toarticulate what it is that I
need." And I can understand whyyou feel that way because, to be
frank, most people that you'rein a relationship with, they
don't actually have toarticulate what it is that they
want.
You are very good at reading theroom.
You're very good at seeing whatpeople might need or how you
might be supportive.
You have conditioned yourself tobe very in tune with that, okay?
(10:25):
So it's easy to assume thatsince this is easy for me, it
should be easy for other people.
If they really cared about me,then they would just do this
thing.
Then they would just see what itis that I need.
But practice flexing that othermuscle of actually articulating
what it is that you need.
When you make vague requests,it's like asking somebody to
take shots in the dark.
And guess what?
Shots in the dark rarely meettheir mark.
(10:47):
So practice being kind but clearin what it is that you need.
So let me share with you threepractical ways to start
identifying and communicatingyour needs.
Okay.
Number one, give yourself sometime to get to know what it is
that you want.
Okay?
You've taken a lot of timedisassociating from your wants
and needs, so dedicate some timeand space to identify your needs
(11:08):
so that you can articulate them.
Oftentimes, when somebody makesa request, they say,"Hey, what
is it that you want right now?
Hey, what do you need rightnow?" Then the silence can feel
so uncomfortable that the brainjust wants to fill it in with a
quick answer, right?
So remember, when somebody asksyou a question, like,"What would
you like to do for yourbirthday?" Or hey, you know, a
really big one that came up acouple weeks ago was,"What would
(11:28):
you like for Mother's Day?
What would you like yourMother's Day to look like?" And
many women, they just decided tofill it in in the moment with
what they thought would beeasiest for the other person to
fulfill, right?
They still weren't actuallythinking about themselves.
They were thinking,"Oh, there isa right and a wrong answer here,
and I need to give the answerthat is going to be easiest for
them to fulfill." So remember,you do not have to answer
(11:50):
immediately.
It's okay to say,"Hey, let methink about that for a little
while." Or even,"Hey, can I getback to you on that?
I'm not quite sure what I'dlike." Because the truth is, you
cannot communicate what youhaven't actually allowed
yourself time and space toreally think about.
So it's okay to say,"Hey, I justneed a minute to think that
through," and that's okay.
It's okay to take space andreally identify what it is that
(12:11):
you want.
There was one gal that I wasworking with where her husband
asked her what she wanted forher birthday, and what she
really, really wanted was just aquiet day with no
responsibilities.
That just sounded amazing.
That's all that she wanted.
Maybe with one or two friends.
That was it.
But what her husband wanted wasto throw her a big party with
all of her friends and all ofher various communities.
(12:32):
So this meant, you know, thebook club, the church group, the
neighborhood, the coworkers,right?
All of them coming together, andfrankly, that made her feel
uncomfortable because now,instead of just enjoying her
birthday, she was thinking,"Ohno, how am I going to make all
of these various groups mesh?
How am I gonna make sure thateverybody feels included?
Oh, and cleaning up the house.
Boy, I know my husband's notgonna think to scrub the toilet
(12:53):
before they all come, so I'mgonna have to do all the prep
work to get the house ready, andthen we're gonna have to clean
up afterwards." And it was notactually what she wanted for her
birthday.
But because she felt souncomfortable with the silence
when he proposed the idea, thenshe just said,"Oh yeah, sure.
That's exactly what I want." Sojust notice if you're
prioritizing other people'swants above your own.
(13:15):
It is okay to say,"Let me thinkabout it, and I'll get back to
you," okay?
Even if they're super excitedabout it, even if they feel like
they've chosen the most perfectthing and you might disagree,
it's okay to give yourself somespace to figure out what it is
that you want.
All right.
Tip number two is practicestating small preferences daily,
and this can start with justsmall, low-stakes decisions
(13:36):
like,"Okay, do I wanna go on awalk or watch a movie?
Do I want Italian or Mexicanfood?
Do I want a night out or a nightin?" And just practice regularly
asking yourself,"What do Iactually want?
What would feel good to me?
What is it that I actuallyprefer right now?" You can also
try some solo exploration, somaybe you're taking yourself on
dates.
(13:56):
Maybe you're trying out some newactivities, and as you're doing
this, just kind of notice,"Okay,is this energizing me or is this
draining me?
I have never taken the time todiscover these things about
myself, so what is it that Iactually want?" I remember that
for myself, I took myself.
I d- just escaped for three daysto a cabin on the lake all by
myself.
I got to choose the food, I gotto choose the activities, and I
(14:17):
got to be the one that figuredout,"Okay, when I'm bored, what
do I want to do?" I knew Ineeded to take a solo trip by
myself because if anybody elsecame with me, I knew I would be
accommodating them.
I'd be saying,"Oh yeah, sure.
That's exactly where I wasthinking for dinner too." Or I'd
be saying,"Oh yes, that'sdefinitely the activity that we
should do." And while there is atime and a place to compromise
(14:38):
and to go do fun things withother people, I knew that for
me, I needed to discover what itwas that I wanted for myself.
I needed to take that time andshow myself that what I wanted
and what I needed was also apriority.
All right, tip number three isrecognize that stating needs is
a kindness.
Your people really do want tofill your cup, okay?
(14:58):
I know that you've probably beenconditioned to believe that,
"Well, I must make myselfsmaller.
I must minimize my needs.
I must be highly accommodating.
I must be highly flexible and dowhat other people want to do."
You may have been conditioned tobelieve that that's the only way
to earn love, but you don't needto earn love.
And the people that are reallyfor you, they're going to want
to know what it is that youwant.
They are going to want to makethe relationship sustainable for
(15:20):
you because they're going towant to keep you around.
And the only way thatrelationships can continue is if
it is mutually sustainable,okay?
If there's some balance there,if both parties' needs are met.
So stating your needs is akindness.
If you want people to remain inyour life, then you need to let
them know what it is that youneed in order to maintain that
relationship.
(15:41):
And in the beginning, it can bea challenge to state your needs,
so it's also okay in this momentto just tell people the honest
truth of,"You know what?
I don't know.
I don't know where I want to goeat." Or you could even tell
them,"I'm trying to figure outwhich cuisine I like more, okay?
So I don't know if I want to goto that place or that place.
Maybe we should go out twice soI can be better educated on what
it is that I like." Practicebeing honest about where it is
(16:03):
that you're at.
If you don't know what it isthat you want in the moment,
it's okay to say that.
It's okay to say,"You know what?
I'm practicing figuring out whatI want.
I'm a recovering people pleaser.
I've been listening to MaryAnn'spodcast.
It's fantastic if you wannalisten to it and help me with my
journey.
But I'm not quite sure what itis that I want in this moment
because I haven't practicedthat.
I'm gonna need a little bit oftime.
Is it okay if I get back to youtomorrow and give you a better
(16:25):
answer then?
Because I need some time to sitwith me and figure that out."
It's okay to tell people exactlywhere you're at.
That is a kindness, to be clearin your communication.
And also, guess what?
I get it, that you have probablyspent your entire life not
identifying your needs andpracticing instead building that
other muscle of identifying andfulfilling other people's needs.
(16:45):
And change will not happenovernight.
In fact, as you start to makechanges, then you might still be
working through a lot ofemotions, wondering,"Well, is it
okay for me to want this?
I don't know.
What if they have a differentpreference?
What if they don't like what itis that I'm making a request
for?
What's gonna happen next?"Right?
Having those fears, having thatanxiety, asking those questions,
it's fine, okay?
(17:06):
It's normal, and it comes withthe territory, okay?
It's just practicing buildingthat new muscle of tuning into
what it is that you actuallywant.
And when you first start workingout, it can be a little
uncomfortable, there's somemuscle fatigue.
There's some soreness that comeswith it.
You might even need to build insome recovery time here and
there.
But keep practicing and makethat muscle stronger.
(17:26):
And as you're doing that, justkeep building your personal
awareness gradually.
So maybe for you, this meanskeeping a list of likes and
dislikes.
Maybe it means having achecklist of things that you
want to try to figure out if youlike it or not, okay?
Maybe you want to find somesmall way to celebrate as you
practice stating your needs orwants or preferences, right?
So maybe you're just suggestinga restaurant that you think,"Oh,
it would be fun to go heretonight," and maybe they have a
(17:48):
different idea, and maybe thegroup kind of votes out your
idea.
But find some small way toreward yourself when you do
speak up, so maybe you just havea few Hershey Kisses in your
drawer, and you let yourselfhave one every time that you
express something that youactually like, every time that
you express a preference.
But find some small way tocelebrate yourself as you
practice doing that.
And also kind of start to noticeyour own emotional reactions.
(18:09):
Notice your emotional reactionsand just use them as data, okay?
That,"Okay, I'm not going tojudge myself.
I'm just gonna recognize that,okay, this is still a challenge
for me to state this need orwant." Or,"Oh, you know what?
I didn't actually care for that.
I s- wish that instead of goingminiature golfing, I would've
chosen open mic night," but justuse it as information instead of
judging that,"Oh, I chose wrong.
I didn't like that." Rememberthat all you're doing is
(18:31):
gathering data, and this databenefits not only you but those
that you're in relationshipwith.
Now, let me tell you what someof the most common side effects
are for stating yourpreferences.
Number one is it issignificantly more likely that
your wants and needs are goingto be met.
If people know your preferences,they're more likely to actually
(18:51):
accommodate those preferences.
You might also start to noticethat your energy increases
because now you're no longer anempty vessel that's only pouring
into other people but neverfilling yourself up.
So you're gonna have thatincrease in energy.
You're gonna notice that yourresentment is decreasing in
relationship.
You're going to notice that youremotional capacity is expanding
because, again, your cup is morefull now, and when your cup is
(19:12):
more full, you're better able toshow up as your authentic self
and not feel as drained whenother people have needs because
your needs have also been met.
Clarity of communication is akindness, and it helps to
strengthen our relationships andnot strain them.
I wanna remind you that yourneeds are not a burden, okay?
Your needs are simplyinformation.
(19:32):
And as much as it would simplifythings if everybody was as
intuitive as you, if everybodywas as accommodating of you,
then other people, they're notmind readers.
They're probably not asintuitive as you, and they need
you to speak up and let yourvoice be heard.
Tell them what it is that youmight want.
See if you can cultivate thoserelationships that allow you the
space to discover what it isthat you want and what it is
(19:54):
that you need.
Those safe spaces to figure out,"Okay, what is it that I wanna
do career-wise?
What kind of fashion do I like?
How do I want to dress everyday?
How is it that I wanna show upin this world?
What is it that I like to do,and what fills my cup?" Try to
cultivate those spaces where itis safe to practice and explore
those things.
I think you'll notice it willreally deepen those
relationships.
(20:14):
And of course, if you need helpfiguring out who you are, what
it is that you want, and how tocommunicate those things, then
come and work with me.
You know that I am here to help.
So here's to discovering what itis that you actually want out of
life, and just practicevocalizing that.
All right.
Well, I hope you have a greatweek, and let's talk soon.
Bye now.
What if the real reason why you're feeling
drained isn't because you'redoing too much, but because
you're not actually making spacefor the things that really light
you up and bring you joy?
As a coach for recovering peoplepleasers, so often in my
practice I see people who havebeen living their life according
to other people's checklists.
So maybe their checklist comesfrom their parents, maybe it
comes from their partner, maybeit comes from their church or
(01:03):
their community, but they havethis checklist in their mind,
and that's how they've beenliving their lives.
They've been told their wholelives that this checklist should
make you happy.
If you just follow this list ofinstructions, then you'll have
joy.
This is what you should do for acareer.
This is what you should do as aparent.
This is what you should do forall of these different areas of
life, and if you do this, thenyou'll find joy and happiness.
(01:23):
But guess what?
Then they come into coaching,and they're feeling unfulfilled.
And not only are they feelingunfulfilled, but they don't even
know what it is that they wantor need anymore because they've
been tuned into what otherpeople think they should want
and need, but they've nevertaken the time to really
discover what it is that theyactually want.
For example, there was one womanthat I coached who was feeling a
little bit stuck.
(01:44):
She had been raised in areligion that told her that her
place was in the home, and sheenjoyed being home with her
kids.
But because she was home withher kids, she never received a
degree.
She never really thought aboutwhat it was that she might like
career-wise.
So now that the kids wereleaving the nest, she was kind
of faced with a decision.
She was currently in a job thatdidn't require a degree, but it
wasn't very fulfilling for her,and she wasn't sure,"Okay, well,
(02:05):
do I wanna go back to school?
And if I did, what would I evenwant to do?" She had no idea who
it was that she was anymorebecause she'd never taken the
time to just sit with herselfand ask that question.
Another client, she wasstruggling to decide which job
opportunity she should take.
Everybody had an idea as towhich job would be more
appealing for her, and all sheneeded was a safe space to
(02:26):
explore those ideas to see,"Okay, which job actually
resonates with me?
Which job is going to help me tofeel fulfilled?" And all she
needed was a safe space free ofjudgment and free of any other
checklists or lists ofinstructions as to what she
should do.
She did not need another persontelling her what she should do.
She just needed a safe place toreflect on what it was that she
actually wanted.
(02:48):
Still another client, she waslooking at her closet one day
and realized,"Oh my goodness, Ihave even been buying my
wardrobe according to someoneelse's checklist." Or rather in
this case, it was what shethought someone else's checklist
might be.
So in order to be a responsiblewife, in order to be a
responsible mother, she workedreally hard to not spend any
money on herself.
(03:09):
So her entire closet was filledwith clothes not only from the
clearance rack, but everythingwas black She figured,"This will
make it so much easier for meto, you know, hide stains, to
coordinate outfits.
I'm just gonna wear black allthe time." But that wasn't a
reflection of who she actuallywas on the inside.
She didn't even know what styleshe might like, but she knew
that black was no longer servingher, that she wanted more
(03:30):
movement, she wanted lessrestriction, she wanted more
color and more freedom ofself-expression, but had never
given herself an opportunity tojust sit and look through
different fashion designs andsee,"Okay, what might be fun for
me to wear?
What might I actually enjoy?"And recognizing that she could
still be fiscally responsible ifthat was a value of hers and
(03:50):
find a way to express herselfNow, so often than my clients,
they haven't actually taken thattime to identify what is it that
might make me feel good?
What is it that I actually want?
Now, I confess that when I firstgot married and me and my
husband had our first place, Ididn't really design the space
according to something that feltgood to me.
I'd never designed a spacebefore really, and so I thought,
(04:12):
"Well, you know, I'll, I'll justkinda, you know, I'll look
through the magazines and seewhat's popular, and I'll do it
that way." And so I had basicfurniture.
I had basic artwork.
Everything was just basic,basic, very beige It was not
really a reflection of who I am.
And it took me a while torealize that, you know what?
This is my house.
Why am I decorating my home, whyam I painting my home to be so
(04:36):
generic that it's gonna havegreat resale value, right?
That, okay, well, I need to makeit super generic so it will
appeal to everybody.
Well, guess what?
When it appeals to everybody, itkind of appeals to nobody So I
started actually expressingmyself in my home, putting
things in my home purely tobring me joy.
In fact, right now, like, Ireally love adding a little bit
of whimsy here and there.
So in my main bathroom in myhouse, hanging just over the
(04:59):
toilet, I have a golden handthat is holding a vial that I
put my propagates in.
I love propagating my plants.
I'm always propagatingsomething, and I thought,"You
know what?
I'm gonna put a cute plant overmy toilet, and I'm gonna have
this golden hand coming out ofthe wall, 3D, to hold it." And
it just adds a little bit of joyand whimsy.
Guess what?
(05:19):
There's gonna be people thatcome over to my house that don't
care for it and think thatthat's silly or tacky, but I
absolutely love it But I had totake some time to decide that
what I wanted was actually apriority for me, that me
experiencing joy, that me havingthings around me that make me
happy, that that was actuallysomething of importance.
(05:40):
Now, many people pleasers, thenthey have become accustomed over
time to tracking other people'semotional states more than their
own, to track other people'swants and desires over their
own.
They've made that a value, andthat can be a great thing,
right?
When you wanna make peoplehappy, it can be so good to be
able to tune into them and say,"Okay, what is it that they
might want?
What would bring them joy?"There is some joy that comes
(06:01):
with that, with bringing otherpeople joy and happiness.
But when that's your sole focus,is bringing other people joy,
then we tend to minimize ordevalue what it is that we
actually want, and this is whenwe become a little bit
disassociated from ourselves.
We no longer know what it isthat we even like anymore.
And this kind of reminds me, Iknow I've talked about it here
(06:23):
on the podcast before, but it'sbeen a hot minute, so I'm giving
myself a pass.
But one of my favorite moviescenes of all times for this
population is that scene in TheRunaway Bride where she finally
sits down and she makes eggs ofevery different kind, right?
So she's got eggs Benedict, eggsover easy, scrambled, fried, all
of these things.
And she's finally sitting downand trying a whole bunch of
different eggs to discover howshe likes her eggs.
(06:46):
Because every relationship thatshe'd been in, she would simply
say,"Oh, I'll just have whatyou're having," and was very
agreeable, which looks great onthe surface, right?
But when you're going throughlife constantly agreeing with
other people, then it doesactually minimize who you are,
and it can create that confusionwhere then you no longer know
what it is that you actuallylike or what it is that you
enjoy.
(07:07):
So today we're going to betalking about why it is
important to get your needs mettoo, and also how to identify
your needs and how to get thoseneeds met.
So first of all, why is it soimportant to make sure that your
needs are met too?
Now, we have all heard theanalogy that,"Hey, make sure you
put on your own air mask first."But for many people pleasers,
they do not even identify thatthey need air until the plane is
(07:29):
already going down, until thingshave already reached critical
mass.
And at that point, you know, theemotions are really high.
It's harder to articulate whatit is that you need.
You might just be gasping forair.
But because you've become soaccustomed to putting air masks
on everyone else, you make thatyour priority, and then guess
what?
You're no longer able to catch abreath, and it can create real
problems.
(07:49):
So learning how to state yourneeds is critical, okay?
And the goal is not to beable...
I mean, yes, we want to be ableto identify our needs when we
have reached critical mass.
But if you can learn to identifyyour needs ahead of time before
it's reached that level, it'sgoing to significantly decrease
the anxiety that you're feelingin a relationship.
It's going to increase theintimacy that you're
experiencing in a relationship,and it's going to make your
(08:11):
relationships more balanced inthe giving and receiving.
Because I know how much you'regiving, and guess what?
The people that you are in arelationship with, they
genuinely want to know how tofill your cup.
They want to know what it isthat you need.
But they've grown accustomed toyou minimizing your needs or
simply agreeing with them, andso they also assume,"Oh yeah,
she'll just have what I'mhaving.
We like the same things, right?"So practice actually stating
(08:35):
your needs.
When we are very vague about ourneeds, which is what most people
do, is they're just vague,right?
They're like,"Oh, I don't know.
I'll just have whatever you'rehaving." But when we're vague
about what it is that we need,it makes it so much harder for
other people to fulfill yourneeds.
And I totally get it because I'ma recovering people pleaser
myself, and I remember havingthe moment when I thought,"Okay,
I need to state my needs, and Ineed to be responsible for what
(08:57):
it is that I want." But for me,it felt so tedious in the
beginning.
It felt so hard to articulate myneeds.
It can feel like,"Okay, here Iam, yet again, taking on the
lion's share of the emotionallabor in a relationship." But
here's the thing, is learning toarticulate your needs in the
moment, it's not taking onadditional emotional labor that
doesn't belong to you.
(09:18):
It's actually taking ownershipof your own needs, which is
very, very different.
So up until this point, okay, ifyou're listening here, more than
likely then, you know, we'llthink about this in terms of a
workout.
So let's say that you're usingyour right arm to serve other
people, and every time thatyou're helping somebody else,
tuning into their needs, um,making sure that their needs are
met, making sure their wants aremet, checking in on them to see
(09:39):
how they're doing, you'reworking that muscle on your
right side, okay?
That bicep is doing all thosecurls, doing all those reps, and
it's getting so big and amazing.
But on the left side, that's theone where you're trying to tune
into,"Okay, but what is it thatI need right now?
What do I want right now?
How can I get my needs met?"That muscle is simply
underdeveloped.
And sometimes we think, okay,you know, just like I said, we
(10:01):
think,"Okay, but it's me takingtoo much ownership if I'm
putting in the work toarticulate what it is that I
need." And I can understand whyyou feel that way because, to be
frank, most people that you'rein a relationship with, they
don't actually have toarticulate what it is that they
want.
You are very good at reading theroom.
You're very good at seeing whatpeople might need or how you
might be supportive.
You have conditioned yourself tobe very in tune with that, okay?
(10:25):
So it's easy to assume thatsince this is easy for me, it
should be easy for other people.
If they really cared about me,then they would just do this
thing.
Then they would just see what itis that I need.
But practice flexing that othermuscle of actually articulating
what it is that you need.
When you make vague requests,it's like asking somebody to
take shots in the dark.
And guess what?
Shots in the dark rarely meettheir mark.
(10:47):
So practice being kind but clearin what it is that you need.
So let me share with you threepractical ways to start
identifying and communicatingyour needs.
Okay.
Number one, give yourself sometime to get to know what it is
that you want.
Okay?
You've taken a lot of timedisassociating from your wants
and needs, so dedicate some timeand space to identify your needs
(11:08):
so that you can articulate them.
Oftentimes, when somebody makesa request, they say,"Hey, what
is it that you want right now?
Hey, what do you need rightnow?" Then the silence can feel
so uncomfortable that the brainjust wants to fill it in with a
quick answer, right?
So remember, when somebody asksyou a question, like,"What would
you like to do for yourbirthday?" Or hey, you know, a
really big one that came up acouple weeks ago was,"What would
(11:28):
you like for Mother's Day?
What would you like yourMother's Day to look like?" And
many women, they just decided tofill it in in the moment with
what they thought would beeasiest for the other person to
fulfill, right?
They still weren't actuallythinking about themselves.
They were thinking,"Oh, there isa right and a wrong answer here,
and I need to give the answerthat is going to be easiest for
them to fulfill." So remember,you do not have to answer
(11:50):
immediately.
It's okay to say,"Hey, let methink about that for a little
while." Or even,"Hey, can I getback to you on that?
I'm not quite sure what I'dlike." Because the truth is, you
cannot communicate what youhaven't actually allowed
yourself time and space toreally think about.
So it's okay to say,"Hey, I justneed a minute to think that
through," and that's okay.
It's okay to take space andreally identify what it is that
(12:11):
you want.
There was one gal that I wasworking with where her husband
asked her what she wanted forher birthday, and what she
really, really wanted was just aquiet day with no
responsibilities.
That just sounded amazing.
That's all that she wanted.
Maybe with one or two friends.
That was it.
But what her husband wanted wasto throw her a big party with
all of her friends and all ofher various communities.
(12:32):
So this meant, you know, thebook club, the church group, the
neighborhood, the coworkers,right?
All of them coming together, andfrankly, that made her feel
uncomfortable because now,instead of just enjoying her
birthday, she was thinking,"Ohno, how am I going to make all
of these various groups mesh?
How am I gonna make sure thateverybody feels included?
Oh, and cleaning up the house.
Boy, I know my husband's notgonna think to scrub the toilet
(12:53):
before they all come, so I'mgonna have to do all the prep
work to get the house ready, andthen we're gonna have to clean
up afterwards." And it was notactually what she wanted for her
birthday.
But because she felt souncomfortable with the silence
when he proposed the idea, thenshe just said,"Oh yeah, sure.
That's exactly what I want." Sojust notice if you're
prioritizing other people'swants above your own.
(13:15):
It is okay to say,"Let me thinkabout it, and I'll get back to
you," okay?
Even if they're super excitedabout it, even if they feel like
they've chosen the most perfectthing and you might disagree,
it's okay to give yourself somespace to figure out what it is
that you want.
All right.
Tip number two is practicestating small preferences daily,
and this can start with justsmall, low-stakes decisions
(13:36):
like,"Okay, do I wanna go on awalk or watch a movie?
Do I want Italian or Mexicanfood?
Do I want a night out or a nightin?" And just practice regularly
asking yourself,"What do Iactually want?
What would feel good to me?
What is it that I actuallyprefer right now?" You can also
try some solo exploration, somaybe you're taking yourself on
dates.
(13:56):
Maybe you're trying out some newactivities, and as you're doing
this, just kind of notice,"Okay,is this energizing me or is this
draining me?
I have never taken the time todiscover these things about
myself, so what is it that Iactually want?" I remember that
for myself, I took myself.
I d- just escaped for three daysto a cabin on the lake all by
myself.
I got to choose the food, I gotto choose the activities, and I
(14:17):
got to be the one that figuredout,"Okay, when I'm bored, what
do I want to do?" I knew Ineeded to take a solo trip by
myself because if anybody elsecame with me, I knew I would be
accommodating them.
I'd be saying,"Oh yeah, sure.
That's exactly where I wasthinking for dinner too." Or I'd
be saying,"Oh yes, that'sdefinitely the activity that we
should do." And while there is atime and a place to compromise
(14:38):
and to go do fun things withother people, I knew that for
me, I needed to discover what itwas that I wanted for myself.
I needed to take that time andshow myself that what I wanted
and what I needed was also apriority.
All right, tip number three isrecognize that stating needs is
a kindness.
Your people really do want tofill your cup, okay?
(14:58):
I know that you've probably beenconditioned to believe that,
"Well, I must make myselfsmaller.
I must minimize my needs.
I must be highly accommodating.
I must be highly flexible and dowhat other people want to do."
You may have been conditioned tobelieve that that's the only way
to earn love, but you don't needto earn love.
And the people that are reallyfor you, they're going to want
to know what it is that youwant.
They are going to want to makethe relationship sustainable for
(15:20):
you because they're going towant to keep you around.
And the only way thatrelationships can continue is if
it is mutually sustainable,okay?
If there's some balance there,if both parties' needs are met.
So stating your needs is akindness.
If you want people to remain inyour life, then you need to let
them know what it is that youneed in order to maintain that
relationship.
(15:41):
And in the beginning, it can bea challenge to state your needs,
so it's also okay in this momentto just tell people the honest
truth of,"You know what?
I don't know.
I don't know where I want to goeat." Or you could even tell
them,"I'm trying to figure outwhich cuisine I like more, okay?
So I don't know if I want to goto that place or that place.
Maybe we should go out twice soI can be better educated on what
it is that I like." Practicebeing honest about where it is
(16:03):
that you're at.
If you don't know what it isthat you want in the moment,
it's okay to say that.
It's okay to say,"You know what?
I'm practicing figuring out whatI want.
I'm a recovering people pleaser.
I've been listening to MaryAnn'spodcast.
It's fantastic if you wannalisten to it and help me with my
journey.
But I'm not quite sure what itis that I want in this moment
because I haven't practicedthat.
I'm gonna need a little bit oftime.
Is it okay if I get back to youtomorrow and give you a better
(16:25):
answer then?
Because I need some time to sitwith me and figure that out."
It's okay to tell people exactlywhere you're at.
That is a kindness, to be clearin your communication.
And also, guess what?
I get it, that you have probablyspent your entire life not
identifying your needs andpracticing instead building that
other muscle of identifying andfulfilling other people's needs.
(16:45):
And change will not happenovernight.
In fact, as you start to makechanges, then you might still be
working through a lot ofemotions, wondering,"Well, is it
okay for me to want this?
I don't know.
What if they have a differentpreference?
What if they don't like what itis that I'm making a request
for?
What's gonna happen next?"Right?
Having those fears, having thatanxiety, asking those questions,
it's fine, okay?
(17:06):
It's normal, and it comes withthe territory, okay?
It's just practicing buildingthat new muscle of tuning into
what it is that you actuallywant.
And when you first start workingout, it can be a little
uncomfortable, there's somemuscle fatigue.
There's some soreness that comeswith it.
You might even need to build insome recovery time here and
there.
But keep practicing and makethat muscle stronger.
(17:26):
And as you're doing that, justkeep building your personal
awareness gradually.
So maybe for you, this meanskeeping a list of likes and
dislikes.
Maybe it means having achecklist of things that you
want to try to figure out if youlike it or not, okay?
Maybe you want to find somesmall way to celebrate as you
practice stating your needs orwants or preferences, right?
So maybe you're just suggestinga restaurant that you think,"Oh,
it would be fun to go heretonight," and maybe they have a
(17:48):
different idea, and maybe thegroup kind of votes out your
idea.
But find some small way toreward yourself when you do
speak up, so maybe you just havea few Hershey Kisses in your
drawer, and you let yourselfhave one every time that you
express something that youactually like, every time that
you express a preference.
But find some small way tocelebrate yourself as you
practice doing that.
And also kind of start to noticeyour own emotional reactions.
(18:09):
Notice your emotional reactionsand just use them as data, okay?
That,"Okay, I'm not going tojudge myself.
I'm just gonna recognize that,okay, this is still a challenge
for me to state this need orwant." Or,"Oh, you know what?
I didn't actually care for that.
I s- wish that instead of goingminiature golfing, I would've
chosen open mic night," but justuse it as information instead of
judging that,"Oh, I chose wrong.
I didn't like that." Rememberthat all you're doing is
(18:31):
gathering data, and this databenefits not only you but those
that you're in relationshipwith.
Now, let me tell you what someof the most common side effects
are for stating yourpreferences.
Number one is it issignificantly more likely that
your wants and needs are goingto be met.
If people know your preferences,they're more likely to actually
(18:51):
accommodate those preferences.
You might also start to noticethat your energy increases
because now you're no longer anempty vessel that's only pouring
into other people but neverfilling yourself up.
So you're gonna have thatincrease in energy.
You're gonna notice that yourresentment is decreasing in
relationship.
You're going to notice that youremotional capacity is expanding
because, again, your cup is morefull now, and when your cup is
(19:12):
more full, you're better able toshow up as your authentic self
and not feel as drained whenother people have needs because
your needs have also been met.
Clarity of communication is akindness, and it helps to
strengthen our relationships andnot strain them.
I wanna remind you that yourneeds are not a burden, okay?
Your needs are simplyinformation.
(19:32):
And as much as it would simplifythings if everybody was as
intuitive as you, if everybodywas as accommodating of you,
then other people, they're notmind readers.
They're probably not asintuitive as you, and they need
you to speak up and let yourvoice be heard.
Tell them what it is that youmight want.
See if you can cultivate thoserelationships that allow you the
space to discover what it isthat you want and what it is
(19:54):
that you need.
Those safe spaces to figure out,"Okay, what is it that I wanna
do career-wise?
What kind of fashion do I like?
How do I want to dress everyday?
How is it that I wanna show upin this world?
What is it that I like to do,and what fills my cup?" Try to
cultivate those spaces where itis safe to practice and explore
those things.
I think you'll notice it willreally deepen those
relationships.
(20:14):
And of course, if you need helpfiguring out who you are, what
it is that you want, and how tocommunicate those things, then
come and work with me.
You know that I am here to help.
So here's to discovering what itis that you actually want out of
life, and just practicevocalizing that.
All right.
Well, I hope you have a greatweek, and let's talk soon.
Bye now.
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