May 28, 2026 • 21 mins
3 Ways to Correct Out-of Balance Relationships
Ever wonder how people pleasers often end up carrying the emotional weight in relationships and why it happens? Today I'm sharing 3 practical ways to create more balance without losing yourself in the process.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
- How to recognize when a relationship has become emotionally imbalanced
- Why highly sensitive people and people pleasers often become the “default helper”
- The difference between radical acceptance, boundaries, and making requests
- How resentment builds when your needs go unspoken
- Simple ways to create healthier, more sustainable relationships
3 Ways to Make Change:
1- Change your mindset while maintaining the status quo
2- Start to say "no"
3- Start making requests in relationship
Challenge for the Week:
Notice one relationship in your life that feels out of balance. Ask yourself:
- Am I choosing this dynamic on purpose?
- Do I need to say no more often?
- Or do I need to start making requests and expressing my needs?
Pick one small action this week that helps create more balance for you.
Work With Me
You do not have to keep abandoning yourself to maintain connection. Healthier relationships are possible, and I can help.
I currently offer a limited number of clarity calls each month for those interested in one-on-one coaching. Email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life to secure your spot now!
Don’t Forget to Subscribe
If this episode resonated with you, make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss future conversations on boundaries, emotional healing, people pleasing, and creating healthier relationships.
Links Mentioned in This Episode:
- Relationship Circles Episode: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2028767/episodes/12905497
- MaryAnn Walker Coaching: https://maryannwalker.life/
- Check out my other freebies and offerings here: https://linktr.ee/maryannwalker.life
- Get your FREE How to Restore Balance in Relationship Workbook here: https://maryannwalker-life.kit.com/bf9af10f51
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 4 (00:42):
Well, hello and welcome back.
Now, today we're going to betalking about out-of-balance
relationships, how to identifythem, and more importantly, how
to get out of theseout-of-balance relationships.
But before we dive in, I wantedto share a personal story with
you.
Now, many of my listeners knowthat when I was living in
Kansas, then I worked as areflexologist, and I rented
space from the local yogastudio, and I really enjoyed my
(01:03):
time there.
But before I was really legit, Iknew I needed to talk with my
county and make sure all theboxes were checked so that I
could work with the publiclegally, right?
So some of the things the countywanted me to do was, you know,
submit my practicum hours, showthem my certificate, pay a fee,
all normal things.
And also, they wanted me to geta background check, get
fingerprinted, get a passportphoto.
(01:25):
And the real clincher is theyalso wanted me to get a note
from my doctor that said Ididn't have any communicable
diseases so that I wouldn't getanybody sick working with them.
Now, this last one, it proved tobe the biggest challenge because
when I told my doctor,"Hey,after my physical, can you
please write a note for thecounty saying I don't have any
communicable diseases and canwork as a reflexologist and
(01:45):
actually touch people?" And mydoctor said,"Actually, no.
I cannot legally write thatbecause in order to say that, I
would have to test you for everysingle disease.
That would be expensive.
We would have no reason to dothat.
It would all be out of yourpocket.
And plus, there's so manydiseases, there is no possible
way that we could write a notethat says that.
I would be held legally liableif I wrote a note like that." I
(02:07):
said,"Oh, geez.
Well, that is a problem.
Okay, I'll let the county know.
Probably it'll be fine.
I can't be the only one withthis problem," right?
So I contact the county, said,"Hey, this is what my doctor
said.
Can we reword that in a way thatwould hold them less liable, but
so I could still work?" And theysaid,"No, that's exactly what it
needs to say." So I went backand forth, back and forth, back
and forth.
Now, ultimately, I was able toget the county to accept a note
(02:31):
that said,"MaryAnn is notcurrently demonstrating anything
that would lead us to believethat she has a communicable
disease that would prevent herfrom working with the general
public." And they finallyaccepted that.
Oh, good.
I'm so excited.
I get to get to work,'cause thisis a very important piece of
paper I needed to have placed inmy office where everybody could
see to make me legit and make itso that I could legally work.
(02:51):
So when the piece of paperarrived, when my license
arrived, I was so excited, and Iopened it up, and then I felt a
little bit deflated because whatthe license was for was a
massage and tattoo parloremployee.
And I thought,"Well, that's kindof interesting because that's
not what I am." But I thought,"Okay, I mean, a lot of people
don't know what reflexology is,and so I guess massage, I guess
(03:13):
I can kinda look the other way.
Maybe that one's close enough."But then I looked at where I was
licensed to.
You guys, it said I was licensedas a massage and tattoo parlor
employee for Leesonworth County.
Keep in mind, I lived inLeavenworth County.
They had misspelled the county.
(03:35):
And I realized in that moment, Ithought,"Oh, my goodness, I
can't believe that they held meto such a high standard when
they were holding themselves tosuch a small standard." It
really felt like such anout-of-balance relationship
where they wanted to make surethat everything that I was
doing, that I was really willingto invest in these significant
ways, but really the bar waspretty low for them.
(03:56):
Now, it is my assumption for youthat if you are listening here,
that you may have also hadexperiences where you have found
yourself in an imbalancedrelationship where they're
asking so much of you andrequiring so little of
themselves.
And so maybe they expect you toaccommodate them, but they
rarely accommodate you, or maybethey expect a lot of
consideration around their time,their energy, their
(04:17):
circumstances, but they struggleto be considerate of the same
things about you.
Or maybe they want you tocompletely rearrange your
schedule in order to supportthem and show up for them, but
they rarely, if ever, show upfor you.
Many of my listeners, becausethey have the belief that,"Well,
if I just tough it out for longenough, then I'll finally get a
return on my investment," thenthey stay in these
(04:39):
out-of-balance relationshipsuntil they just can't take it
anymore.
They blow up.
They become burned out, andthat's when the relationship
really experiences significantstruggle.
It is not beneficial to eitherparty to knowingly participate
in imbalance in a relationship.
So we're going to talk about howto identify imbalance, how to
(05:00):
get out of it, and how to noticethese things a little bit
earlier in relationships so thatyou can minimize resentment
later.
So first of all, why are youalways in these out-of-balance
relationships?
The answer is pretty simple.
It's because you're a reallysuper awesome human.
When you are the person thatalways says yes, then of course
they're going to turn to you.
It feels good when people sayyes, and they've identified,
(05:23):
"When I go and ask that person,they generally say no, and that
does not feel very good.
But when I go over here, thenthey genuinely say yes, and so
then I feel really good, and Idon't have to feel bad.
So I'm gonna go to them firstnext time." And then you become
their default person, right?
So of course they're going towant to turn to you.
You make people's lives so mucheasier.
You never make them feel like aburden, so of course they're
(05:45):
going to seek you out.
You're the one who always saysyes, and so you quickly become
their go-to person.
You become the person that theycan depend on.
But this isn't necessarilycreating a dynamic where you can
also depend upon them,especially if you're somebody
that really doesn't wannainconvenience anybody.
We're more likely to stay inout-of-balance relationships
when we have the belief thatasking for something, making any
(06:07):
request in a relationship is aninconvenience.
So let me share with you a fewstories from my practice with
the details changed a bit tokind of illustrate what these
imbalances can look like.
I had one client who alwaysfound herself in the childcare
role.
She was a stay-at-home mom, andit worked out pretty well for
her generally.
She thought,"Oh, you know what?
The kids can play.
It's just a play date.
(06:27):
This'll be just fine." But soonshe found herself feeling really
burned out and taken advantageof.
And when she attempted to createbalance by saying,"Hey, can you
watch my kids?" Then her friendstraight-up told her, she said,
"You know what?
Watching other people's kids isyour thing, not my thing.
So don't ask me to watch yourkids'cause that's not gonna
happen." And it's okay for thatfriend to have that boundary.
(06:49):
However, what was ringing in myclient's ears was,"She just told
me how she's not going toreciprocate.
She didn't offer up other waysthat she could, and now I'm
scared to make a request becauseshe told me,'I'm not going to be
reciprocating in a relationshipthe same way that you are.'" It
was easy for her to make theassumption that"this friend is
not willing to reciprocate' eventhough maybe this friend might
(07:09):
have been willing to reciprocatein other ways, but the
conversation stopped there.
So over time, then this client,she started to feel really used.
She started to feel burned out.
She found herself watching thisfriend's children more and not
less, and it wasn't serving her.
And here's the thing is, myclient, she didn't want to
inconvenience anybody.
She didn't wanna burn them out,So instead, she kept burning
(07:32):
herself out without making anyrequests in relationship,
without expressing that she alsohas needs and that she would at
least occasionally like forthose needs to be met in order
to make the relationship moresustainable for her.
All of that went unspoken.
Another client that we're gonnacall Pam, right?
Everybody loves people-pleasingPam.
Well, Pam noticed that everytime she went out with her
(07:54):
friend Sarah, then Sarah wouldonly talk about herself the
entire time.
She would never pause for Pam oranybody else to interject.
She would never inquire aboutPam, and Pam was kind of just
silently waiting, thinking,"Okay, well, maybe eventually
she'll ask how I'm doing." Andon the rare occasion that Sarah
did ask how Pam was doing, itfelt kind of obligatory, like
checking a box, and as soon asthe question was answered, then
(08:18):
the topic of conversation wouldjust go right back to Sarah.
Another client, Jodi, she wasstarting to feel really burned
out by her new acquaintance,Anne.
Anne had reached out to Jodiunder the guise of friendship,
but Jodi was now realizing thatwhat Anne really wanted was
Jodi's connections.
She wanted her expertise, hernetworking skills, And it did
feel really good initially tofeel needed, but what Jodi
(08:41):
really wanted was a friend, notsomebody she needed to mentor.
So often, people pleasers assumethat other people are at least
as sensitive as they are.
But when it comes to beinghighly sensitive, did you know
that only 20% of the populationis considered highly sensitive?
So when we're thinking,"Well, itshould be obvious what it is
that I want.
They should be able to pick upon my cues.
(09:02):
I'm able to pick up on theircues.
I pick up on the subtleties.
I'm able to pick up on theirenergy level and their little
microexpressions." But otherpeople do not have that same
level of awareness that you do,so it is vital that you speak
up.
There are a million differentways that we could approach
these imbalances, but todaywe're going to talk about three
(09:23):
ways, okay?
The first way is to justcontinue to say yes, but change
your mindset about it.
The second is to create balanceby starting to say no, and the
third way is to start to makerequests in a relationship.
And this is a choose your ownadventure, okay?
Every single one of these isgoing to have forms of comfort
and discomfort, and you get tochoose what it is that you want,
(09:45):
but I just want you to choose iton purpose, right?
So often we are just resignedto,"I guess this is just the way
that it is," and we lose ourpower.
But there's so much power to behad in acknowledging that we do
in fact have a choice So firstlet's explore the option of just
allowing things to continue inthe way that they are, but
changing your mindset.
(10:05):
This sounds so simple, but it isso powerful.
So much of our discomfort comesfrom simply believing that the
other person should bedifferent, that they should be
doing things in a certain way,that they should not be doing
things in this way.
That's the reason why you'reexperiencing so much discomfort.
But when we're able to radicallyaccept that,"Okay, I'm just
gonna accept that this is theway that it is, that this is out
(10:27):
of balance, and I'm choosingthis on purpose," then it can
help you to experiencesignificantly less discomfort.
Okay?
So let's talk about the comfortand discomfort with this option.
The comfort comes in, you don'thave to speak up.
You don't have to challenge thestatus quo, right?
You don't have to learn how tomake requests.
You don't have to learn toidentify your needs and actually
speak them out loud.
You don't have to do any ofthat.
(10:48):
That's where the comfort comesin.
The discomfort comes inacknowledging that, okay, things
are currently out of balance,and it's creating some
discomfort for me, but I do notneed to add to that discomfort
by thinking that things shouldbe any different.
I can just radically acceptthat.
Okay, so that is option one.
Now let's talk about creatingbalance by saying no.
(11:09):
Again, there is some comfortfound in this.
When you start to stateboundaries, you get to actually
do what it is that you want todo.
You no longer have to changeyour schedule or rearrange your
priorities or lose sleep just sothat you can show up for
somebody else.
It is okay for you to have thoseboundaries.
That's going to create somecomfort for you in the long term
when you start to say no.
And there's also a little bit ofdiscomfort in the moment when
(11:32):
you start practicing saying no.
More than likely, this is askill that you haven't
necessarily practiced over time.
This is a weak muscle that needsto be strengthened, so it is
going to be a little bit moreuncomfortable for you because
this is new.
And that discomfort, it does notmean that you're doing anything
wrong.
It just means that this is askill set that you haven't
practiced enough for it tobecome second nature to you.
(11:53):
And so yeah, you're gonna havesome growing pains here as you
practice saying no.
The third way that we can createbalance in our relationships,
and this one is my favorite,even though it does require a
little bit more work and effortup front, but the third way is
to actually start to makerequests in relationship.
This is going to help you to getyour needs met.
And yeah, there is also thatdiscomfort where you have to
(12:14):
actually identify your needs andactually make a request, but
ultimately, this is going tohelp you to create more balanced
and sustainable relationships.
So again, remember that each ofthese offer both comfort and
discomfort.
Keeping things the way that theyare is already uncomfortable.
But there is some comfort in notrocking the boat or making a
request.
Making a request of somebodyelse, it can be uncomfortable in
(12:36):
the beginning, but there's somuch comfort that can actually
be had in getting your needsmet.
Saying no can be uncomfortable,but there is comfort in doing
what it is that you want to doevery now and then.
So now let's look at how each ofthese clients might handle their
current situations differentlyusing these three tips, okay?
So for the perpetual babysitter,she could choose to continue to
babysit and avoid anyconfrontation.
She could choose to just not sayanything and reframe in her mind
(12:59):
or maybe look for,"Okay, I knowthat this friend isn't
reciprocating with childcare,but maybe they reciprocate in
other ways.
I really appreciate that theylisten to me when I need an ear,
that they're always availablewith a phone call, that I can
always turn to them in otherways.
So I'm gonna choose to focus onthe ways that they are investing
into relationship," right?
So maybe you want to just kindof reframe and look for other
(13:20):
ways, and maybe that'll make iteasier for you to allow for the
status quo.
Or she could choose to just beunavailable the next time that
they need childcare.
And I hear you, I can hear youmoaning and groaning right now
that,"Oh, no, but I don't wannasay no.
I don't wanna tell them that I'munavailable.
That sounds so rude.
Am I gonna have to inventreasons?" Maybe.
Maybe you have an appointmentwith your bed and you're taking
a nap, okay?
(13:41):
It's okay, though, to say no.
Saying no is, there's nothingreally wrong with that.
In fact, it can really help tocreate balance in a
relationship.
Because if you are the onlyperson that they're turning to
of course you're going to getburned out over time.
But occasionally beingunavailable will help them look
for other people that could helpto share the load.
So maybe this is finding anotherneighbor that can watch their
(14:01):
kids, or maybe it's actuallypaying someone for childcare.
But you do not have toconstantly be available to other
people when it's not working foryou.
When you're feeling burned out,it's just a sign that something
needs to change, okay?
It doesn't mean that anything'swrong with you.
It is just information.
Okay?
So acknowledge that, okay, I'mfeeling burned out and something
(14:22):
needs to change.
Another option that she hasavailable to her is actually
making a request for supportfrom this friend.
So for example, she could say,"Oh yeah, of course I can watch
your kids that day.
And also, I know that you're agreat cook, and it's honestly a
little bit tricky for me towatch all the kids and prepare
dinner.
So if, when you bring the kidsover, if you could bring dinner
also, that would be so great.
(14:42):
I would really appreciate that."When you make a request like
that, now you're getting a mealin exchange for babysitting, and
that will help you to feel alittle bit more appreciated, a
little bit less taken forgranted because now you have
something coming in to fill yourcup to make it more sustainable
for you.
Okay?
So again, just notice you haveall of these options that are
available to you.
You can pick any one that youwant.
(15:04):
Now, for the client with thefriend who talks too much,, she
could just choose to justcontinue with the way that she
is and knowing that,"Okay, I'mjust gonna mentally prepare and
know that when my friend asks meto go on a walk or to meet up
for lunch, what she's reallymeaning is,'Hey, I just need a
space to verbally process andtalk out loud, and I would love
it for you to be a soundingboard.'" I can reframe her
(15:24):
question in my mind and thencheck in with myself to see if I
can give it a wholehearted yesor not, okay?
She could just shift her mindsetaround a little bit and continue
to have things going alongbecause she's gonna feel
significantly different aboutthis friend if she's able to
radically accept that this iswhat it is and I don't need to
change her.
She doesn't need to be anybodydifferent.
(15:45):
Another option is she canrecognize that, okay, I can
accept that this friend is gonnatalk a lot, and knowing that I'm
going to create some space forme afterwards.
I'm gonna make sure that I phonethat friend that is a really
good listener so that I can alsofeel held.
Another option is that she mightchoose to just take a page out
of that friend's handbook andjust start to volunteer
information about herself.
(16:06):
Learn how to interject.
This friend is really good attalking about herself, and you
can learn from that.
You can grow from that.
More than likely, this is askill that as a people pleaser
is really painfully hard foryou.
I know that for me, I often justkind of wait to be asked
questions, but there is a timeand a place to interject,
especially if you'reexperiencing imbalance in a
relationship.
(16:27):
So she could follow thatfriend's example and just start
sharing the things that aregoing on in her life and see how
it plays out, right?
And she might practice it inthat relationship, or she can
take notes when she's out withthat friend and practice that
skillset in other relationshipsso that she could get her needs
met elsewhere.
Another thing that she could dois just start to create a little
bit more space.
So if going out every week iscausing a lot more imbalance for
(16:49):
you, maybe you wanna go out likeonce a month or once a quarter,
but just kind of notice, okay,how much can I give before I'm
experiencing burnout andresentment?
And adjust your investmentaccordingly.
Because you do need to havesomething coming in in order for
you to better hold space forthat friend.
You can practice creating spacefor yourself so that you can
(17:10):
have a better quality ofconversation rather than the
quantity, okay?
It's okay to just set timelimits for yourself in order to
make it more sustainable foryou.
Now, for the unpaid mentor, thenshe could let things continue
and just consider it her act ofservice and just choose to feel
good about it, that, okay, yeah,sure, I know that when this
person calls that she's wantingsome business insight.
Sure, I can offer that to her.
(17:31):
And she could do that instead ofthinking,"Ugh, I wish this could
have been a friendship instead.
I just wish that things weredifferent." But instead just
radically accept that, okay, itlooks like this is gonna be more
of a business acquaintanceshiprather than a friendship.
Now I did do an episode a whileback, and I will link it in the
show notes on relationshipcircles.
But here's kind of the mainidea, is I want you to picture
(17:52):
your relationships like rings ona bullseye.
And in the center of thebullseye, that's where your
intimate relationships are.
And when it comes to intimacy,the higher the level of
intimacy, the higher theexpectations.
So noticing that, okay, rightnow I have very different
expectations of this person thanthey have of me.
She's treating this like abusiness acquaintanceship, and
(18:13):
I'm treating this like we shouldbe in best friendship, and
that's shifting my expectationshere.
So maybe instead of keeping herin the center of my bullseye,
where I have the highestexpectations, maybe I need to
readjust my expectations andmove her out a little bit and
recognize that, okay, yes, thisis just a business
acquaintanceship, right?
So I get it, that when you'rethinking,"Okay, I finally have
(18:35):
this friend, and now we're gonnahave this close, intimate
relationship," then we instantlytend to put people in the middle
of the bullseye because that'swhere we hope that they will be.
But that also means that we'reinstantly putting them into high
expectations, and that can makeit a little bit tricky.
So adjust your expectations, andthat can help you to have a
little bit more realisticrelationship.
(18:55):
They've essentially let you knowover time that, yeah, I'm
treating this relationship as abusiness acquaintanceship.
Okay?
They've already let you knowwhat it is they're looking for
in a relationship.
It's your expectations that needto shift and change there.
Again, there are a milliondifferent ways to approach
things, but maybe one way thatyou can create balance is just
let them know,"Hey, you knowwhat?
I actually don't feelcomfortable offering business
(19:16):
advice to friends, but if you'dlike to set up an appointment
with me, here's where you canbook, here's how much it costs.
What do you think?
Also, would you like to go tothat movie Thursday night?"
Right?
You can kind of create ways toput things into different boxes
to make it something that's moresuitable for you.
If they don't wanna go to amovie and they really do only
want your business expertise,then now you have more
information and they have anopportunity to pay you for your
(19:38):
services in order to make itfeel more comfortable for you So
just to recap, there are atleast three ways that you can
adjust your relationships inorder to feel more balanced and
fulfilled.
You can radically accept thatthis is the way that it is, and
I'm gonna stop hoping for changebecause thinking that things
should be different is making memiserable, so I'm gonna change
my mindset around it, right?
That's number one.
(19:58):
Or you can create balance bysaying no and just being
unavailable, or you can start toactually make requests in your
relationships.
Now, of course, this issomething that always sounds
very simple but isn't alwayseasy, right?
So if you would like help andsupport, come and work with me.
I'm currently offering only fourfree clarity calls per month.
These are 30-minute calls whereI can just kind of see what's
(20:20):
coming up for you and we can seeif you'd be a good fit for
coaching or not.
These are prerequisites forworking with me one-on-one, but
again, I only have four slotsavailable each month.
So if you're interested inworking with me, let me know.
You can click the link in theshow notes.
I'd love to work with you.
You do not have to stay inout-of-balance relationships.
There is hope and I can help.
Speaker 7 (20:39):
And hey, really quick before you go, if you're still
here listening, check out thelink in the show notes.
I have created a workbook usingthe tools we've talked about
here to help you to identifyyour out of balance
relationships and also come upwith a plan about how to restore
balance.
So come and check it out.
It's in the show notes.
I'll see you next week.
Bye now.
Well, hello and welcome back.
Now, today we're going to betalking about out-of-balance
relationships, how to identifythem, and more importantly, how
to get out of theseout-of-balance relationships.
But before we dive in, I wantedto share a personal story with
you.
Now, many of my listeners knowthat when I was living in
Kansas, then I worked as areflexologist, and I rented
space from the local yogastudio, and I really enjoyed my
(01:03):
time there.
But before I was really legit, Iknew I needed to talk with my
county and make sure all theboxes were checked so that I
could work with the publiclegally, right?
So some of the things the countywanted me to do was, you know,
submit my practicum hours, showthem my certificate, pay a fee,
all normal things.
And also, they wanted me to geta background check, get
fingerprinted, get a passportphoto.
(01:25):
And the real clincher is theyalso wanted me to get a note
from my doctor that said Ididn't have any communicable
diseases so that I wouldn't getanybody sick working with them.
Now, this last one, it proved tobe the biggest challenge because
when I told my doctor,"Hey,after my physical, can you
please write a note for thecounty saying I don't have any
communicable diseases and canwork as a reflexologist and
(01:45):
actually touch people?" And mydoctor said,"Actually, no.
I cannot legally write thatbecause in order to say that, I
would have to test you for everysingle disease.
That would be expensive.
We would have no reason to dothat.
It would all be out of yourpocket.
And plus, there's so manydiseases, there is no possible
way that we could write a notethat says that.
I would be held legally liableif I wrote a note like that." I
(02:07):
said,"Oh, geez.
Well, that is a problem.
Okay, I'll let the county know.
Probably it'll be fine.
I can't be the only one withthis problem," right?
So I contact the county, said,"Hey, this is what my doctor
said.
Can we reword that in a way thatwould hold them less liable, but
so I could still work?" And theysaid,"No, that's exactly what it
needs to say." So I went backand forth, back and forth, back
and forth.
Now, ultimately, I was able toget the county to accept a note
(02:31):
that said,"MaryAnn is notcurrently demonstrating anything
that would lead us to believethat she has a communicable
disease that would prevent herfrom working with the general
public." And they finallyaccepted that.
Oh, good.
I'm so excited.
I get to get to work,'cause thisis a very important piece of
paper I needed to have placed inmy office where everybody could
see to make me legit and make itso that I could legally work.
(02:51):
So when the piece of paperarrived, when my license
arrived, I was so excited, and Iopened it up, and then I felt a
little bit deflated because whatthe license was for was a
massage and tattoo parloremployee.
And I thought,"Well, that's kindof interesting because that's
not what I am." But I thought,"Okay, I mean, a lot of people
don't know what reflexology is,and so I guess massage, I guess
(03:13):
I can kinda look the other way.
Maybe that one's close enough."But then I looked at where I was
licensed to.
You guys, it said I was licensedas a massage and tattoo parlor
employee for Leesonworth County.
Keep in mind, I lived inLeavenworth County.
They had misspelled the county.
(03:35):
And I realized in that moment, Ithought,"Oh, my goodness, I
can't believe that they held meto such a high standard when
they were holding themselves tosuch a small standard." It
really felt like such anout-of-balance relationship
where they wanted to make surethat everything that I was
doing, that I was really willingto invest in these significant
ways, but really the bar waspretty low for them.
(03:56):
Now, it is my assumption for youthat if you are listening here,
that you may have also hadexperiences where you have found
yourself in an imbalancedrelationship where they're
asking so much of you andrequiring so little of
themselves.
And so maybe they expect you toaccommodate them, but they
rarely accommodate you, or maybethey expect a lot of
consideration around their time,their energy, their
(04:17):
circumstances, but they struggleto be considerate of the same
things about you.
Or maybe they want you tocompletely rearrange your
schedule in order to supportthem and show up for them, but
they rarely, if ever, show upfor you.
Many of my listeners, becausethey have the belief that,"Well,
if I just tough it out for longenough, then I'll finally get a
return on my investment," thenthey stay in these
(04:39):
out-of-balance relationshipsuntil they just can't take it
anymore.
They blow up.
They become burned out, andthat's when the relationship
really experiences significantstruggle.
It is not beneficial to eitherparty to knowingly participate
in imbalance in a relationship.
So we're going to talk about howto identify imbalance, how to
(05:00):
get out of it, and how to noticethese things a little bit
earlier in relationships so thatyou can minimize resentment
later.
So first of all, why are youalways in these out-of-balance
relationships?
The answer is pretty simple.
It's because you're a reallysuper awesome human.
When you are the person thatalways says yes, then of course
they're going to turn to you.
It feels good when people sayyes, and they've identified,
(05:23):
"When I go and ask that person,they generally say no, and that
does not feel very good.
But when I go over here, thenthey genuinely say yes, and so
then I feel really good, and Idon't have to feel bad.
So I'm gonna go to them firstnext time." And then you become
their default person, right?
So of course they're going towant to turn to you.
You make people's lives so mucheasier.
You never make them feel like aburden, so of course they're
(05:45):
going to seek you out.
You're the one who always saysyes, and so you quickly become
their go-to person.
You become the person that theycan depend on.
But this isn't necessarilycreating a dynamic where you can
also depend upon them,especially if you're somebody
that really doesn't wannainconvenience anybody.
We're more likely to stay inout-of-balance relationships
when we have the belief thatasking for something, making any
(06:07):
request in a relationship is aninconvenience.
So let me share with you a fewstories from my practice with
the details changed a bit tokind of illustrate what these
imbalances can look like.
I had one client who alwaysfound herself in the childcare
role.
She was a stay-at-home mom, andit worked out pretty well for
her generally.
She thought,"Oh, you know what?
The kids can play.
It's just a play date.
(06:27):
This'll be just fine." But soonshe found herself feeling really
burned out and taken advantageof.
And when she attempted to createbalance by saying,"Hey, can you
watch my kids?" Then her friendstraight-up told her, she said,
"You know what?
Watching other people's kids isyour thing, not my thing.
So don't ask me to watch yourkids'cause that's not gonna
happen." And it's okay for thatfriend to have that boundary.
(06:49):
However, what was ringing in myclient's ears was,"She just told
me how she's not going toreciprocate.
She didn't offer up other waysthat she could, and now I'm
scared to make a request becauseshe told me,'I'm not going to be
reciprocating in a relationshipthe same way that you are.'" It
was easy for her to make theassumption that"this friend is
not willing to reciprocate' eventhough maybe this friend might
(07:09):
have been willing to reciprocatein other ways, but the
conversation stopped there.
So over time, then this client,she started to feel really used.
She started to feel burned out.
She found herself watching thisfriend's children more and not
less, and it wasn't serving her.
And here's the thing is, myclient, she didn't want to
inconvenience anybody.
She didn't wanna burn them out,So instead, she kept burning
(07:32):
herself out without making anyrequests in relationship,
without expressing that she alsohas needs and that she would at
least occasionally like forthose needs to be met in order
to make the relationship moresustainable for her.
All of that went unspoken.
Another client that we're gonnacall Pam, right?
Everybody loves people-pleasingPam.
Well, Pam noticed that everytime she went out with her
(07:54):
friend Sarah, then Sarah wouldonly talk about herself the
entire time.
She would never pause for Pam oranybody else to interject.
She would never inquire aboutPam, and Pam was kind of just
silently waiting, thinking,"Okay, well, maybe eventually
she'll ask how I'm doing." Andon the rare occasion that Sarah
did ask how Pam was doing, itfelt kind of obligatory, like
checking a box, and as soon asthe question was answered, then
(08:18):
the topic of conversation wouldjust go right back to Sarah.
Another client, Jodi, she wasstarting to feel really burned
out by her new acquaintance,Anne.
Anne had reached out to Jodiunder the guise of friendship,
but Jodi was now realizing thatwhat Anne really wanted was
Jodi's connections.
She wanted her expertise, hernetworking skills, And it did
feel really good initially tofeel needed, but what Jodi
(08:41):
really wanted was a friend, notsomebody she needed to mentor.
So often, people pleasers assumethat other people are at least
as sensitive as they are.
But when it comes to beinghighly sensitive, did you know
that only 20% of the populationis considered highly sensitive?
So when we're thinking,"Well, itshould be obvious what it is
that I want.
They should be able to pick upon my cues.
(09:02):
I'm able to pick up on theircues.
I pick up on the subtleties.
I'm able to pick up on theirenergy level and their little
microexpressions." But otherpeople do not have that same
level of awareness that you do,so it is vital that you speak
up.
There are a million differentways that we could approach
these imbalances, but todaywe're going to talk about three
(09:23):
ways, okay?
The first way is to justcontinue to say yes, but change
your mindset about it.
The second is to create balanceby starting to say no, and the
third way is to start to makerequests in a relationship.
And this is a choose your ownadventure, okay?
Every single one of these isgoing to have forms of comfort
and discomfort, and you get tochoose what it is that you want,
(09:45):
but I just want you to choose iton purpose, right?
So often we are just resignedto,"I guess this is just the way
that it is," and we lose ourpower.
But there's so much power to behad in acknowledging that we do
in fact have a choice So firstlet's explore the option of just
allowing things to continue inthe way that they are, but
changing your mindset.
(10:05):
This sounds so simple, but it isso powerful.
So much of our discomfort comesfrom simply believing that the
other person should bedifferent, that they should be
doing things in a certain way,that they should not be doing
things in this way.
That's the reason why you'reexperiencing so much discomfort.
But when we're able to radicallyaccept that,"Okay, I'm just
gonna accept that this is theway that it is, that this is out
(10:27):
of balance, and I'm choosingthis on purpose," then it can
help you to experiencesignificantly less discomfort.
Okay?
So let's talk about the comfortand discomfort with this option.
The comfort comes in, you don'thave to speak up.
You don't have to challenge thestatus quo, right?
You don't have to learn how tomake requests.
You don't have to learn toidentify your needs and actually
speak them out loud.
You don't have to do any ofthat.
(10:48):
That's where the comfort comesin.
The discomfort comes inacknowledging that, okay, things
are currently out of balance,and it's creating some
discomfort for me, but I do notneed to add to that discomfort
by thinking that things shouldbe any different.
I can just radically acceptthat.
Okay, so that is option one.
Now let's talk about creatingbalance by saying no.
(11:09):
Again, there is some comfortfound in this.
When you start to stateboundaries, you get to actually
do what it is that you want todo.
You no longer have to changeyour schedule or rearrange your
priorities or lose sleep just sothat you can show up for
somebody else.
It is okay for you to have thoseboundaries.
That's going to create somecomfort for you in the long term
when you start to say no.
And there's also a little bit ofdiscomfort in the moment when
(11:32):
you start practicing saying no.
More than likely, this is askill that you haven't
necessarily practiced over time.
This is a weak muscle that needsto be strengthened, so it is
going to be a little bit moreuncomfortable for you because
this is new.
And that discomfort, it does notmean that you're doing anything
wrong.
It just means that this is askill set that you haven't
practiced enough for it tobecome second nature to you.
(11:53):
And so yeah, you're gonna havesome growing pains here as you
practice saying no.
The third way that we can createbalance in our relationships,
and this one is my favorite,even though it does require a
little bit more work and effortup front, but the third way is
to actually start to makerequests in relationship.
This is going to help you to getyour needs met.
And yeah, there is also thatdiscomfort where you have to
(12:14):
actually identify your needs andactually make a request, but
ultimately, this is going tohelp you to create more balanced
and sustainable relationships.
So again, remember that each ofthese offer both comfort and
discomfort.
Keeping things the way that theyare is already uncomfortable.
But there is some comfort in notrocking the boat or making a
request.
Making a request of somebodyelse, it can be uncomfortable in
(12:36):
the beginning, but there's somuch comfort that can actually
be had in getting your needsmet.
Saying no can be uncomfortable,but there is comfort in doing
what it is that you want to doevery now and then.
So now let's look at how each ofthese clients might handle their
current situations differentlyusing these three tips, okay?
So for the perpetual babysitter,she could choose to continue to
babysit and avoid anyconfrontation.
She could choose to just not sayanything and reframe in her mind
(12:59):
or maybe look for,"Okay, I knowthat this friend isn't
reciprocating with childcare,but maybe they reciprocate in
other ways.
I really appreciate that theylisten to me when I need an ear,
that they're always availablewith a phone call, that I can
always turn to them in otherways.
So I'm gonna choose to focus onthe ways that they are investing
into relationship," right?
So maybe you want to just kindof reframe and look for other
(13:20):
ways, and maybe that'll make iteasier for you to allow for the
status quo.
Or she could choose to just beunavailable the next time that
they need childcare.
And I hear you, I can hear youmoaning and groaning right now
that,"Oh, no, but I don't wannasay no.
I don't wanna tell them that I'munavailable.
That sounds so rude.
Am I gonna have to inventreasons?" Maybe.
Maybe you have an appointmentwith your bed and you're taking
a nap, okay?
(13:41):
It's okay, though, to say no.
Saying no is, there's nothingreally wrong with that.
In fact, it can really help tocreate balance in a
relationship.
Because if you are the onlyperson that they're turning to
of course you're going to getburned out over time.
But occasionally beingunavailable will help them look
for other people that could helpto share the load.
So maybe this is finding anotherneighbor that can watch their
(14:01):
kids, or maybe it's actuallypaying someone for childcare.
But you do not have toconstantly be available to other
people when it's not working foryou.
When you're feeling burned out,it's just a sign that something
needs to change, okay?
It doesn't mean that anything'swrong with you.
It is just information.
Okay?
So acknowledge that, okay, I'mfeeling burned out and something
(14:22):
needs to change.
Another option that she hasavailable to her is actually
making a request for supportfrom this friend.
So for example, she could say,"Oh yeah, of course I can watch
your kids that day.
And also, I know that you're agreat cook, and it's honestly a
little bit tricky for me towatch all the kids and prepare
dinner.
So if, when you bring the kidsover, if you could bring dinner
also, that would be so great.
(14:42):
I would really appreciate that."When you make a request like
that, now you're getting a mealin exchange for babysitting, and
that will help you to feel alittle bit more appreciated, a
little bit less taken forgranted because now you have
something coming in to fill yourcup to make it more sustainable
for you.
Okay?
So again, just notice you haveall of these options that are
available to you.
You can pick any one that youwant.
(15:04):
Now, for the client with thefriend who talks too much,, she
could just choose to justcontinue with the way that she
is and knowing that,"Okay, I'mjust gonna mentally prepare and
know that when my friend asks meto go on a walk or to meet up
for lunch, what she's reallymeaning is,'Hey, I just need a
space to verbally process andtalk out loud, and I would love
it for you to be a soundingboard.'" I can reframe her
(15:24):
question in my mind and thencheck in with myself to see if I
can give it a wholehearted yesor not, okay?
She could just shift her mindsetaround a little bit and continue
to have things going alongbecause she's gonna feel
significantly different aboutthis friend if she's able to
radically accept that this iswhat it is and I don't need to
change her.
She doesn't need to be anybodydifferent.
(15:45):
Another option is she canrecognize that, okay, I can
accept that this friend is gonnatalk a lot, and knowing that I'm
going to create some space forme afterwards.
I'm gonna make sure that I phonethat friend that is a really
good listener so that I can alsofeel held.
Another option is that she mightchoose to just take a page out
of that friend's handbook andjust start to volunteer
information about herself.
(16:06):
Learn how to interject.
This friend is really good attalking about herself, and you
can learn from that.
You can grow from that.
More than likely, this is askill that as a people pleaser
is really painfully hard foryou.
I know that for me, I often justkind of wait to be asked
questions, but there is a timeand a place to interject,
especially if you'reexperiencing imbalance in a
relationship.
(16:27):
So she could follow thatfriend's example and just start
sharing the things that aregoing on in her life and see how
it plays out, right?
And she might practice it inthat relationship, or she can
take notes when she's out withthat friend and practice that
skillset in other relationshipsso that she could get her needs
met elsewhere.
Another thing that she could dois just start to create a little
bit more space.
So if going out every week iscausing a lot more imbalance for
(16:49):
you, maybe you wanna go out likeonce a month or once a quarter,
but just kind of notice, okay,how much can I give before I'm
experiencing burnout andresentment?
And adjust your investmentaccordingly.
Because you do need to havesomething coming in in order for
you to better hold space forthat friend.
You can practice creating spacefor yourself so that you can
(17:10):
have a better quality ofconversation rather than the
quantity, okay?
It's okay to just set timelimits for yourself in order to
make it more sustainable foryou.
Now, for the unpaid mentor, thenshe could let things continue
and just consider it her act ofservice and just choose to feel
good about it, that, okay, yeah,sure, I know that when this
person calls that she's wantingsome business insight.
Sure, I can offer that to her.
(17:31):
And she could do that instead ofthinking,"Ugh, I wish this could
have been a friendship instead.
I just wish that things weredifferent." But instead just
radically accept that, okay, itlooks like this is gonna be more
of a business acquaintanceshiprather than a friendship.
Now I did do an episode a whileback, and I will link it in the
show notes on relationshipcircles.
But here's kind of the mainidea, is I want you to picture
(17:52):
your relationships like rings ona bullseye.
And in the center of thebullseye, that's where your
intimate relationships are.
And when it comes to intimacy,the higher the level of
intimacy, the higher theexpectations.
So noticing that, okay, rightnow I have very different
expectations of this person thanthey have of me.
She's treating this like abusiness acquaintanceship, and
(18:13):
I'm treating this like we shouldbe in best friendship, and
that's shifting my expectationshere.
So maybe instead of keeping herin the center of my bullseye,
where I have the highestexpectations, maybe I need to
readjust my expectations andmove her out a little bit and
recognize that, okay, yes, thisis just a business
acquaintanceship, right?
So I get it, that when you'rethinking,"Okay, I finally have
(18:35):
this friend, and now we're gonnahave this close, intimate
relationship," then we instantlytend to put people in the middle
of the bullseye because that'swhere we hope that they will be.
But that also means that we'reinstantly putting them into high
expectations, and that can makeit a little bit tricky.
So adjust your expectations, andthat can help you to have a
little bit more realisticrelationship.
(18:55):
They've essentially let you knowover time that, yeah, I'm
treating this relationship as abusiness acquaintanceship.
Okay?
They've already let you knowwhat it is they're looking for
in a relationship.
It's your expectations that needto shift and change there.
Again, there are a milliondifferent ways to approach
things, but maybe one way thatyou can create balance is just
let them know,"Hey, you knowwhat?
I actually don't feelcomfortable offering business
(19:16):
advice to friends, but if you'dlike to set up an appointment
with me, here's where you canbook, here's how much it costs.
What do you think?
Also, would you like to go tothat movie Thursday night?"
Right?
You can kind of create ways toput things into different boxes
to make it something that's moresuitable for you.
If they don't wanna go to amovie and they really do only
want your business expertise,then now you have more
information and they have anopportunity to pay you for your
(19:38):
services in order to make itfeel more comfortable for you So
just to recap, there are atleast three ways that you can
adjust your relationships inorder to feel more balanced and
fulfilled.
You can radically accept thatthis is the way that it is, and
I'm gonna stop hoping for changebecause thinking that things
should be different is making memiserable, so I'm gonna change
my mindset around it, right?
That's number one.
(19:58):
Or you can create balance bysaying no and just being
unavailable, or you can start toactually make requests in your
relationships.
Now, of course, this issomething that always sounds
very simple but isn't alwayseasy, right?
So if you would like help andsupport, come and work with me.
I'm currently offering only fourfree clarity calls per month.
These are 30-minute calls whereI can just kind of see what's
(20:20):
coming up for you and we can seeif you'd be a good fit for
coaching or not.
These are prerequisites forworking with me one-on-one, but
again, I only have four slotsavailable each month.
So if you're interested inworking with me, let me know.
You can click the link in theshow notes.
I'd love to work with you.
You do not have to stay inout-of-balance relationships.
There is hope and I can help.
Speaker 7 (20:39):
And hey, really quick before you go, if you're still
here listening, check out thelink in the show notes.
I have created a workbook usingthe tools we've talked about
here to help you to identifyyour out of balance
relationships and also come upwith a plan about how to restore
balance.
So come and check it out.
It's in the show notes.
I'll see you next week.
Bye now.
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